Making friends is no easy task. It takes a lot of growing confidence and a positive self-image to crack the code of successful and happy friendships. As children go through their pre-primary years it is often a struggle to gain acceptance from peers, and not be the isolated child roaming the playground. Children often seek control over their lives and worry about having their needs met.  Often times the behaviours which they display in this regard may make them come across as a bit of a tyrant. They have big ideas running through their minds and they want things to be done exactly right. They tend to be egocentric and want others to play the way they want to play, and struggle to take “no” for an answer. If this is your child, take note, as it may quite possibly lead to bigger problems in the long run if not nurtured appropriately.  As adults we tend to be bossy too, but recognise when things are not working out and instead formulate new action plans. Children on the other hand find it difficult to move beyond their own immediate needs. For some, bossiness is momentary, while others have a naturally dominant personality. This in turn could lead to more consistent bossy behaviour.  Tell-tale signs of a ‘bossy’ kid include: Telling other kids that they do things wrong, having difficulty waiting for a turn (more often than not), disagreeing with rules (and/or often creating new rules), focusing on winning, and interrupting often. Those learners with a more dominant personality will also try to gain some control, test one’s limit, be attention seeking, and copy the behaviour of other children or an adult.  Ultimately bossy children tend to be bright, gifted, assertive and creative. If nurtured properly these traits can become an asset in developing appropriate leadership skills. However, if left untamed bossy children may well feel and become more isolated within any environment.  Parents and other adults can be important teachers as children learn how to get along with their friends. They need your help in understanding what works and what doesn’t work. And most importantly, they need your encouragement as they build strong friendships.  Here are some key tips to help tone down that bossy-boots:  Tips to tone down bossiness  Tip #1: Satisfy the need to be in charge  Look for opportunities where your child can have power to make decisions or take control. Provide choices when it comes to food, chores, dressing, play and other daily activities.  Tip #2: Model how to give directions  Often times our kids simply repeat the behaviours they learn from watching us. Stop and take a look at how you ask your spouse and your kids to do things. Modelling our own requests in a positive, calm manner can make a big difference in how our kids talk to their siblings and peers. Practice mutual respect. Apologise when you make a mistake and keep your voice firm but calm when correcting behaviours. And avoid humiliation when correcting bossy behaviour in a group setting, by rather taking your child aside and pointing out specifics, followed by examples of more appropriate ways to handle the situation.  Tip #3: Role-Play  Look for as many situations as possible to take advantage of modelling, turn-taking and asking permission to do things with other people, rather than being bossy. Get your children to use those active imaginations in a role-play, using puppets and stuffed toys working through issues such as negotiation, speaking out about feelings and finding alternative positive ways of how heated situations may be handled better. You could also do a role reversal: Allow your child to be you for fifteen minutes. She gets to make and enforce the rules, choose the meals, and run the show. Watch out! It will probably be fairly eye opening!  Tip #4: Say “yes” whenever possible  No one likes to be told “No” the majority of the time and let’s face it, pre-schoolers make unreasonable requests all day long and get told “No” on a regular basis. This is often deflating. Rather look for opportunities to say “Yes” to your child whenever possible, so that he feels like his personal wants and needs are being met.  Tip #5: Play board games  Most bossy kids have the need to win. Board games are a wonderful opportunity to nonchalantly enforce turn-taking and playing by a set of rules. It’s also a good moment to reinforce that the joy can be in the game itself, rather than the outcome. Be excited about the game and how much fun it is enjoying the time you are spending together, not about who is winning or losing. This will help plant the seed that it’s not about winning, it’s about interacting and enjoying an experience together.  Even with it being quite frustrating, always make yourself as parent/guardian available, aware and ready to jump in when your child needs help with which behaviours are bossy and how to change them. Bossiness can’t be cured overnight, but the sooner you start the sooner your child will learn to play and be fair towards others.  Now that we know how to assist a bossy child, let’s take a look at ways of encouraging a sensitive child to stand up to Miss Bossy Boots.  Having been a teacher in the Foundation Phase I often came across sensitive learners being taken advantage of and suddenly I realised that teaching and encouraging parents to teach their children to stand up for themselves was far more important than encouraging an easy going personality. You can’t change a child’s inherent nature, but you can help kids stick up for their right, with confidence.  Being assertive helps in virtually every relationship at school, at home and on the playground. In the classroom, it puts a child at an advantage because she’s comfortable commanding the teacher’s attention, raising her hand if she knows the answer, and asking for extra help if she is lost. She will also have