How can two or three children in the same family be so different? They are brought up in the same broad social environment, under a similar set of rules and an identical family value system. They also come from the same genetic pool yet they can be so different in personality, interests and achievement. While they may be born into the same family they are not born into the same position. The effects of their birth position have a significant impact on children, their behavior and their personalities. In order to really understand children it is useful to look at how their position in the family impacts on their development. If we look at the big three in birth order – first, middle and youngest – we will notice that children born in each position share a similar set of characteristics. Note that birth order presents possibilities only for parents. Also only children share similar birth order characteristics to first borns – they are super first borns. First borns are often more motivated to achieve than later borns. A greater percentage of first borns end up in the professions such as medicine and law. They go for jobs where determination, strong powers of concentration and discipline are valued. First borns are born into a pressured yet treasured position. They are usually the objects of great delight in a family – they are the first. Parents and grandparents often overdo everything with first borns. There is an air of expectancy even before their birth. Names are chosen half way through the pregnancy and photo albums are filled as baby’s every special moment is captured on film. They are the centre of attention, which is an obvious plus if you are a first-born child. The flipside to this adulation is that first borns are coached, prodded and pushed to perform. The expectations are high for first borns, particularly first-born boys, so pressure is something they know all about. It is no coincidence that anecdotal evidence suggest that first born males tend to be lower risk-takers as learners than girls or those in other birth positions. First-born boys fear failure so they often steer away from areas where they can’t excel. Interestingly, some first borns confuse excellence with perfectionism and won’t try unless they can do the perfect job. These kids drive their parents and teachers nuts as they just won’t move out of their comfort zones to take a few risks and even (shock, horror) mess up. This is first-born thing. First borns are trailblazers for parents and for the children to follow. Parents are usually hardest on their first borns in terms of discipline and they loosen up as they move further down the family. First borns usually don’t react well to the arrival of the second born. To parents the arrival of another child means a playmate for their eldest. To the first born the arrival of another child means only one thing –DETHRONEMENT. You can read the headlines: “The emperor loses his crown.” Well not quite. The first-born child does everything in his of her power to retain the favoured first position. He will point out the failings of the second born to his parents. In all likelihood as he grows up the first born may well be less than pleasant to this intruder –particularly if they are both boys. According to Kevin Leman author of The New Birth Order Book there are two types of first borns. The first are the compliant nurturers and caregivers. These children love to please and also love to do well in school as they have a high need for mum or dad’s approval. They also like to look after and care for other children. These compliant nurturers are more likely to be girls. Parents often rely heavily on their first borns and let them take much of the responsibility around the home. The second types of first borns are the aggressive movers and shakers. These children are assertive, achievement-oriented and strong-willed. They are often boys who have the drive but not the skills to be effective leaders. Their bull-in-a-China-shop approach doesn’t always endear them to others. The middle (and in all likelihood the second) child is influenced by his elder sibling. The one rule of thumb about birth order is that children are directly influenced by the sibling above and will differ from that sibling. Frank Sulloway, the author of Born To Rebel, puts it succinctly, when he says that the first rule of the sibling road is that first and second borns will be different in personality, interests and achievement. Generally, the middle or second will be what the first-born isn’t. If the first born is responsible the next in line may well be a pest. If the first born is serious, as they often are, the second borns may well be easy-going and gregarious. Middle born children are victims of bad timing. Born too late to get the perks and privileges of being born first but too early to get the easy ride that youngest receive, middles often feel squeezed between these two siblings and wonder, “Why me?” or “Its not fair!” The positive side to middle borns is that as they are squeezed between two siblings they are good negotiators and generally develop an adept set of people skills. They are often more flexible as their lives tend to fit in more with the first born. Also they tend to spend more time with children away from their family to avoid the frustration of being an outsider in the family. Middle children subsequently can end up with more friends than their elder sibling. Middle born children, particularly if they are surrounded by other boys often become the free spirit or the child most likely to upset (annoy, hassle) his siblings. If you have three children sitting quietly watching television and you suddenly hear a yelp coming from the television room you can bet that the middle child has

By using four simple, yet powerful steps from the Love and Logic Institute, parents can give their children the gifts of responsibility and self–esteem. With these gifts, dads will become heroes in their children’s hearts and Father’s Day will become a true celebration of love and respect. Get started now by using the following steps: Step 1: Show your kids how to make mistakes and solve them. Great dads (and moms) don’t try to be perfect. Instead, they allow their children to witness some of their small mistakes, show that they are human, and model what it looks like to be a good problem–solver. For example, on a cool evening, a wise dad might purposefully leave his jacket at home and say to his kids, “Oops! I forgot to bring my jacket. I’m chilly. I sure am going to remember it next time!” Step 2: Give your kids plenty of opportunities to make “affordable” mistakes. Love and Logic parents know that the consequences of mistakes grow more dangerous as their children grow older. Therefore, they hope and pray their youngsters will make plenty of small or “affordable” mistakes when they are young, when the “price tags” of these mistakes are small. For example, on another cool evening during the same week, dad might say to his kids, “We are leaving in 10 minutes. I’m going to treat you like big kids. How fun! You get to be in charge of remembering what you need to bring with you.” Step 3: If a mistake is made, provide a strong “dose” of empathy and hold your child accountable. Believe it or not, the parents who are loved and respected by kids provide firm consequences for mistakes or misbehavior. The most loved and respected dads (and moms) provide a strong message of caring or empathy before they deliver consequences. If a child forgets to bring his or her jacket, a Love and Logic parent might say very sincerely, “This is so sad. You forgot your jacket, and now you’re chilly. We can’t drive all the way home to get it. Hang in there. I love you.” Step 4: Give your children the same task again. The very next day, the same father might say, “We are leaving in 10 minutes. You again get to be in charge of remembering what you need to bring with you.” When parents give their children responsibility for the same task again, without nagging or reminding them of their previous mistakes, they send a very powerful message: “You are smart enough to learn from your mistakes!” It’s never too early or too late to give your children the gifts of Love and Logic. A father I know used these steps with his four–year–old daughter, Amy. He even picked the same decision – remembering one’s jacket. Little Amy forgot her jacket just once! The next evening, as they were preparing to leave for the grocery store, she looked at her father, smiled with pride, and exclaimed, “Daddy! I brought my jacket just in case I’m chilly!” Give Love and Logic a try and join thousands of parents who have discovered easy and effective ways to increase their children’s responsibility and raise self–esteem. Author: Dr. Charles Fay

  What are your thoughts on rewarding children? “I honestly think using rewards to change or enhance behaviours in children is an excellent and positive tool. We often fall into the habit of focussing only on the misbehaviours of our children, and then punishing them for that; either by taking away privileges, spanking, yelling, threatening and the problem here is that this negative focus on the child, very seldom has a long term effect in changing the behaviour. The child might stop the behaviour for the moment, you might feel that it’s working, but in actual fact it won’t help you turn a positive behaviour into a habit, as your focus is more on what not to do than on what to do. How do I know if what I’m doing, as a parent, is no longer rewarding – but bribing? Ok, now this is a very common question; and understandably so! In short – a bribe gets your child to change his behaviour on the spot. Rewards help change behaviour over time and in the long run, and also teaches your child to work for something in a positive way. You’re in the shop, and your son starts throwing a tantrum. You try giving him “the look”, you start threatening, and then you say something like; if you stop this behaviour right now, I will buy you a toy in the shop before we leave”. This is a bribe and the effects are negative. Firstly the child quickly learns if I want something from the shop, all I need to do is to start acting up, and mom will buy me something to keep me quiet. So you are actually reinforcing the negative behaviour – you are teaching your child to misbehave in public; as there is a very nice pay off to it. You are teaching your child to manipulate you into buying him something. The focus is on the negative again and it has no influence on changing behavior for the better. Rewarding on the other hand, as I said; focuses on the positive. Is very clearly outlined set of expectations and helps change positive behaviours into habits. It is premeditated. So in other words, you have to go and sit and identify some specific positive behaviour that you would like to focus on. Start with one or two and once they are firmly set habits, move on to the following ones. Using our example again of going to the store; The positive behaviour that you would like to encourage is sitting still inside the shopping cart, while you do your shopping. You have several ways of rewarding this behaviour: Positive feedback and attention is one way. Constantly expressing with your tone of voice, eye contact, affection, words – look how big you are, sitting so still in the shopping cart. Positive feedback, positive facial expression and attention is a form of reward, especially if they are still young. When they are a little older, you can sit together and make a list of rewards. For example watching tv for 10 minutes longer than usual, or having a friend come over Friday afternoon, or a special gift – anything that your child would like to put on the list. You can make a reward chart and every time the child does behave positively, he gets an extra star on the chart until he gets to 10 and then he can choose one of his rewards. The big difference here is a bribe gets the child to stop negative behaviour for the moment, is a very impulsive kind of thing and does not lead to positive behavioral changes in the long run. Rewards are well thought out; in advance and clearly communicated to the child, as a positive reinforcement to enhance the positive behaviour. At what age should I stop giving rewards? In my opinion it’s not really an age thing. Bribes can go on forever, because the child learnt that it’s a manipulation tool. But rewards, if done correctly, turn positive behaviours into habits. As soon as the habit is nicely fixed, the material rewards can stop. Emotional rewards such as positive feedback and praise shouldn’t stop. Is there another way to reinforce good behaviour other than rewards If you want to reinforce positively and for the long run in a manner that builds trust in your relationship and that helps you bond with your child, I think rewarding is the best way. Of course you can enforce positive behaviour through threats and hidings and punishment and so forth, but it won’t have the long term beneficial positive effect that you would get from using rewarding instead. Think of the differences in the emotional climate of your home regarding threats, punishment and so forth vs positive feedback and positive reward and focusing on the good instead of the bad. Can you give us some examples of acceptable rewards? There’s a misperception that rewards need to be something huge, or something monetary. It also includes the small things – it’s a look of approval while your child is doing something right, it’s acknowledging positive behaviour by saying “thank you for sitting so still” – again specifically wording the behaviour in question, it’s positive attention. Something like; a huge hug and saying I’m so proud of you for sitting still in the shopping cart today. Rewards also include things like stars on a reward chart:, a friend coming over, a privilege being extended a little or being added to his list of privileges. So not necessarily something that is going to cost you an arm or a leg.