Advice Column - Parenting Hub

Advice from the experts

5 Things to do to avoid hearing NO

It is incredibly frustrating when our child says “NO” to us. If we react to it, they could feel more powerful than we want them to, causing them to do it more often. Often times, they are saying no as a way of communicating that they need to feel more powerful. We want our children to have the power to say no to others, so we must be careful how we handle their objections at home. Here are five methods to gain a child’s cooperation. Don’t Overreact When They Tell You No. Overreacting gives your children inappropriate power and may anger you. If they refuse to comply, turn your original request into an entertaining activity in order to get it done. Race them to the bath or tell them you’re going to pick up more puzzle pieces then they will. If you find yourself becoming angry, walk away and let it go, and use one of the following ideas next time to be more successful. Use Choices Instead of Commands. Giving a child a choice rules out “no” as an automatic response. Instead of saying “Go get your pajamas on,” say, “Would you like to wear your pink pajamas or the ones with little ducks on them?” List Choices of Chores for Older Children. Instead of ordering your child to rake the leaves or take out the trash, create a list of 3 or 4 reasonable tasks that you could use help with, being sure that what you really want is on the list. Tell your child that you need his help and all he has to do is pick one or two things from the list. Be ready to remain calm in case he doesn’t pick what you really wanted, so make sure that you’re comfortable with all of the choices listed. Say “I’m Not Ready for You to do That.” Because she will repeat what you say, avoid using the word “no” yourself. If she asks to do something that might be dangerous or something you’re not ready for her to do, say it. Tell her that you’re “not ready for her to do that,” instead of judging her age, size or abilities. It also avoids power struggles, labels and arguments; instead, it models respect. Say “I’m Not Willing To Do That.” Saying “No” to your child when he asks you to do something for him, such as take him to the park or buy him something, models a behavior that he will repeat. Replacing the word “No” with the statement above demonstrates a personal boundary and is not just a challenge for him to make you say “Yes.” If you must say the word “No,” be sure to say it in a way that is calm and respectful. If you yell “No” at your child, he will repeat it in the same way.

July 20, 2016

5 Steps to study success for working parents

In today’s challenging economy, many parents are taking on further studies, often in an effort to better provide for their families after graduating. But studying while having to balance work and family responsibilities is not for the faint of heart, and could have a detrimental effect not only on the existing family budget, but also the general wellbeing of a family, if not approached with a clear strategy. “In the past, people studied in a particular discipline and were largely committed to that for life,” says Tammy Oppenheim, Head of Programme: Faculty of Humanities at The Independent Institute of Education, SA’s largest and most accredited private higher education provider. “But in 2016, the landscape has altered completely. People are exposed to a great deal more information and experiences, and many choose to alter their career path, which may require further study later in life. Even for those who stay in their selected field, study is vital to ensure they remain relevant and up-to-date on the requirements of your field,” she says. “If approached correctly, further study can fast-track a career and give access to promotions or financial rewards that would have been otherwise unachievable.” In addition to financial reward, a change of career path and upwards mobility can also contribute beneficially to self-esteem and self-actualisation, helping parents to be the best role-models they can be for their children, says Oppenheim. “Modelling life-long learning and good study habits can help your children on their own study path and also provide valuable common ground and conversation opportunities, particularly in the teenage years. But to successfully handle the increased pressure and demands study brings to the family dynamic, everyone needs to be on the same page.” So what can parents do to make a success of further study while keeping up with their parental responsibilities? Oppenheim says there are 5 important facets to making it work: DO YOUR RESEARCH Choose an academic institution that caters to your needs as a parent, such as those offering part-time and distance studies. Attending lectures on the weekend or from the comfort of your own home gives greater flexibility, especially for parents who work full-time. Smaller academic institutions also tend to offer greater individual support and flexibility, both of which are invaluable to a busy parent. HAVE A PLAN B IN PLACE FOR EVERY EVENTUALITY Arrange for back-up childcare for those times when you are absolutely unavailable, for instance when you have an exam or presentation scheduled, just in case your original plans fall through. BE HONEST WITH YOUR CHILDREN Explain what you are studying and why, and show your children the value of a life-long-learning philosophy. School-age children often take great pleasure in having learning as a common interest with parents. Sitting together for study-time is both good bonding-time and a great way to model good study habits for your children. MENTALLY COMPARTMENTALISE People are complex. An individual may be a mother, a worker, a student, a spouse and a friend all at the same time. However, it can be daunting to have your head-space filled up with all of your roles at the same time. Careful scheduling can help avoid this. Carve out blocks of time for each of your responsibilities, and don’t allow guilt or distraction from one area to intrude when you are focusing on another area. GET SUPPORT Taking on tertiary studies as a parent will be challenging and time-consuming and can feel isolating and overwhelming. Speak to fellow students with children, join an online parenting forum and seek out others who are going through the same experience. Simply verbalising your challenges can be helpful, but chances are there may also be some useful advice in response. “When you are in the middle of an exam period and your little one has a cold and wants to be held all night, and your boss is drowning you in work, it can feel overwhelming and never-ending. But it is important to remind yourself that your studies have an end-date,” says Oppenheim. “Visualise your journey: In one week I will have finished my first set of exams; in 6 months I will have finished my research proposal; in two years I will be walking across the stage at my graduation. Studying is not going to be easy; but it is most definitely going to be worth it.”

July 19, 2016

Buckle Up

I’m quite shocked as I drive around town just how many parents have their kids running wild in the car, particularly when the parents themselves are strapped in. Aside from the fact that it is illegal, and if your child does die in an accident where they were not strapped in you are legally up for manslaughter, yes, aside from this, it seems counterintuitive to me that parents would buckle up themselves and not think to look out for the safety of their precious offspring. For a while, I drove around with a sign in my back window that said, “Do you love your child? Then why are they not wearing a seatbelt?” When I’ve actually confronted people about this, the most common reason they give is that the kids don’t like wearing a seatbelt or being in a car chair and that they scream or have tantrums and they just can’t deal with it every time they get in the car. And I can totally relate. My own kids went through a phase of screaming when being strapped in (and sometimes for the entire journey) and when you’re sleep deprived and overworked this can be too much for your frazzled nerves to handle. And I still say… You are the parent, and there are times that you need to put your foot down. There are going to be many more moments in your parenting journey where your kids will not be happy with the decisions that you make, and the sooner they understand that you are the parent and it is your job to keep them safe whether they like that or not, the better. I love negotiating with my kids and teaching them how to make a strong argument for things that they would like changed. However, some rules are simply non-negotiable. And safety needs to be non-negotiable. I promise you that they will not scream every time they get strapped in for the rest of their lives. They will do it a couple of times and once they realise that it is a non-negotiable and that you are not going to be swayed by tantrums, they will stop. If you need some incentive to actually enforce this life-saving safety routine, here is some shocking, but essential information from the Child Accident Prevention Foundation: Passenger deaths in children are the 4th leading cause of unnatural deaths in South Africa, and that’s not even looking at paralysis, disabilities or other injuries. An adult is guilty of a criminal offence if he/she should allow a child younger than 14 years to travel unrestrained in a motor vehicle. That’s a criminal offence, not a traffic fine. At 25km/hour a child sitting or standing next to the driver can be killed in an emergency stop if its head hits the windscreen/interior of the car. Yes, you read that correctly – 25km/hour. At 40km/hour the blow to a child’s head is the same as dropping him/her from 6 meters onto concrete. We are not talking about speeding down the highway to Durban here – we’re talking trips down the road to school. Please, please rethink the safety of your incredible, beautiful, awesome children and buckle up. The discomfort you’ll have the deal with when they have those few tantrums in the car is nothing compared to the suffering you’ll endure if your child is killed or disabled because you didn’t want to insist on safety first. We can all save lives, and it starts with our own kids… after all, aren’t the lives you created the ones you’d most like to save?!

July 18, 2016

Leave Me Alone!

The realities of teen loneliness, depression and suicide attempts in South Africa By Janine Shamos “There’s no point to this hell called life is there? It never gets better! No-one understands how I feel. They think I’m making it up – just being dramatic and looking for attention. I’ve had enough…”For many teens suffering from depression, loneliness and isolation are part of their daily struggle. “I felt so alone, like no one could ever understand what I was going through. I started asking myself if I was being pathetic and dramatic.” Teens like Lungi (16) are not alone. Research shows that 1 in 5 teens have considered suicide and almost 17% have formulated a plan to take their lives. The teen years can be emotionally turbulent and stressful. Teens face pressures to succeed, fit in, family and financial stress, loss and trauma, and many struggle with self-esteem issues, self-doubt, and feelings of alienation. “Very concerning is that 60% of youth who have a mental health problem like depression, anxiety or trauma, don’t get the help they need”, says SADAG’s Cassey Chambers. Gina (19) is no stranger to sadness. “I’ve had bad things happen my whole life, like since I was just a kid. I just kinda dealt with it, you know?” But last year, Gina’s precious St. Bernard, “Lord”, was poisoned. Already fragile (she was repeating matric and not doing well at school, as well as dealing with very shaky family relationships), Gina’s boyfriend left her. “He said I was like jinxed or something. I felt so alone. I really just gave up.” One Friday, during the school assembly, Gina tried to take her life in the matric girls’ bathroom. Suicide is a desperate attempt to escape unbearable pain and suffering. “Blinded by feelings of self-loathing, hopelessness, and isolation, a severely depressed person can’t see any way of finding relief except through death”, explains psychologist Liane Lurie. “They wish there was an alternative to committing suicide, but they just can’t see one.” This is why SADAG’s teen suicide prevention programme, and National Teen Suicide Prevention Week, is so vital – it gives teens hope for an alternative. Through SADAG’s national school-based programme, “Suicide shouldn’t be a secret”, approximately 700 000 teens have been made aware of the signs, symptoms of depression and suicide, and critically, how to intervene. “We know that many teen suicides could have been prevented if people knew what to look for”, says Chambers who says that SADAG often hears stories of teens who told friends about wanting to die, but were not taken seriously. Lungi spoke to friends about how she was feeling, and even tried to talk to an aunt about the fact that she wanted to kill herself. “No-one really listened to me – they thought I was just looking for attention.” But SADAG has shown that 80% of teen who are suicidal have given some kind of warning, just like Lungi did. Friends are in a key position to pick up on warning signs that a friend or classmate is depressed or suicidal. “It is very important never to take warning signs lightly or promise to keep them secret”, says Lurie. There are so many youth who suffer in silence, scared of being judged, unsure how to talk about how they are feeling. Often, families are the last to know. TV personality, SadeGilliberti, knows this from first-hand experience. “My depression started early, and when I was depressed my parents didn’t know. When my father found out he was shocked, but he supported me.” Family support is a key factor in teen health. “Family support, good communication, friendships and cultural or religious beliefs are all things that can help a teen deal with depression or stress”, says Lurie. One of the hardest things to do is speak to a depressed teen – they are moody and emotional – and many people feel uncomfortable with the topic of suicide. There are many myths and misconceptions about how to deal with a depressed or potentially suicidal friend, and too often victims of suicide are blamed and their families and friends are stigmatised. People don’t communicate openly about suicide with the result that suicide is left shrouded in secrecy. “Many youth wonder if it’s a good idea to say anything to a friend if you notice something wrong”, says Chambers. “They worry about their friend becoming angry but it is always better to risk the friendship that to risk the friend. Get help before someone you care about does something that can’t be reversed.” Help doesn’t always come in the expected way. For one Grade 10 student, life-saving support came from a friend’s sister on WhatsApp. “My brother was worried about a friend of his who was going through a really hard time and was starting to talk very negatively and aggressively”, says Tracy. “He was concerned so I offered to try help.” Shaun didn’t want to talk face-to-face but agreed to chat via the popular social media app. Shaun was feeling very isolated and his family didn’t seem to be taking any notice of his disturbing behaviour – he was cutting his arms, drinking heavily, locking himself in his room, and refusing to go to school. Tracy says she thinks talking to Shaun ‘anonymously’ in a non-threatening way is what he needed to build trust and open up – and ultimately allow him to get the help he needed. Death from youth suicide is only part of the problem. For every completed suicide, there are an estimated 20 attempted suicides. And far too often, these go unnoticed. Fortunately for Gina, a teacher noticed she hadn’t returned from the bathroom and went to check on her. Ms Smit, a Maths teacher, found Gina unconscious on the floor. After being taken to hospital for treatment, Gina had daily sessions with her Life Orientation teacher at school. “He really helped me to heal.” Gina says that her teacher helped her see life in a different way and encouraged her

July 14, 2016

Parents most at risk for colds and flu

As South Africa braces itself for another onslaught of cold and flu infections this winter season, the biggest risk factor for catching the common cold is having children under the age 12. So says leading colds and flu generic medicine provider, Pharma Dynamics. According to Mariska van Aswegen, spokesperson for Pharma Dynamics, parents fall ill almost twice as much as anyone else. “Young children are a reservoir of germs and if they’re at crèche, school or anyplace else where they are around other children, they’re in a super-virus environment, which makes them the perfect vectors for illness and for passing viruses around. Kids hug, touch and cough all over each other. They chew on toys and as a result share their saliva, and then parents hug, kiss and cuddle them. It’s no wonder that the average parent catches a cold more compared to those without children,” she says. A recent study conducted by the University of Utah’s School of Medicine confirms this notion. They found that families with two, three or four children have some type of virus present in their household just under 60% of the time, whereas childless households were only infected with viruses three to four weeks of the year. Each additional child in a household increased a family member’s risk of falling ill. Households with one child tested positive about 18 weeks of the year, while families with more than four children tested positive about 45 weeks of the year – that’s a whopping 87% of the time. Van Aswegen adds that parents who live with small children are 1.5 times more likely to be sick since children under the age of five tend to have at least one virus present in their mucus 50% of the time. “As we enter another cold and flu season it is imperative that those at risk, especially parents of younger children, give their immune systems a boost, whilst adequately protecting themselves from sources of cross-infection. But for a parent with little ones, it’s difficult to take care of yourself when you’re ill, since you have to take care of everyone else. This makes the recovery process so much harder (and unpleasant). “I often get asked whether there is any sense in trying to stop the spread of infection by wearing a mask for example, but the best and most practical way of protecting yourself (and your family), is to practise proper handwashing techniques and to do so often. This could reduce the chances of catching your child’s cold by 30 to 50%. Another way is to stay out of waiting rooms in doctor’s offices, emergency rooms and the shops, and to avoid public transport as much as possible. Also use your judgement about your own situation. If you are pregnant and have had several bouts of flu or have a newborn, you may actually want to wear a mask. “Besides eating your greens, getting enough sleep is another critical factor in fighting off colds and flu. Research tells us that people who sleep six hours or less a night are four times more likely to catch a cold when exposed to a virus, compared to those who get in more than seven hours a night. Most parents probably don’t get enough Zs, but it’s vital to our wellbeing, so try to carefully plan your day to ensure enough time is spent in slumber land,” she advises. Van Aswegen says keeping a clean and dust-free house is equally important. “It might also be worth getting an air filter to clean and purify the air in your home, especially if you’ve experienced wave after wave of illness in your household. “In truth, there is no cure for the common cold or flu, but time-deprived parents may benefit from supplements that can boost their immune system. Look for one’s that contain Vitamin C, zinc and Echinacea, which when used in combination are excellent at combating colds and flu, such as Efferflu C Immune Booster. She says that if you do catch your child’s cold, there is an upside to all of this shared illness business. “Once a child starts to develop a functioning immune system, at about six months, then the exposure to general viruses and germs isn’t necessarily a bad thing since it helps build and stimulate the immune system. It’s important to remember that a child’s immune system will only be fully developed between 12 to 14 years of age, when they finally reach adult levels of antibody formation, so you may be in for a tough few years, but as the children grow up it will help them fight other infections and stay healthier in the long-run,” concludes van Aswegen.

July 13, 2016

Parental Control report reveals chats, games and narcotics most popular among children

Kaspersky Lab’s latest report shows that children around the world spend most of their time online using communication tools such as social networks, email, chats, etc. (accounting for 67% of online activity). Globally, gaming portals (11%) and websites containing information about alcohol, narcotics and tobacco (9%) came second and third, respectively. At the same time, there is a noticeable difference between children’s interests in different countries. In South Africa, the figures are as follows: Social networks (56%) Email (12%) Chats (6%) Gaming (9%) Drugs (7%) The report, covering 12 months, shows anonymised statistics from Kaspersky Lab solutions for Windows PCs and Macs with the Parental Control module switched on, and presents the share of visits or attempted visits to websites with potentially harmful content that fall under one of the 14 preset categories*. The statistics show that during the reporting period, children cut back on visits to communication media and adult-themed websites. This trend can be explained by children moving most of their sensitive activities to mobile devices, which were not covered in the report. The “Internet communication media” category was most popular in Mexico (86%), Russia, Brazil and Italy (all slightly more than 70%). The least communicative during this period were children in China (30%), Germany (31%) and the UK (32%). Interestingly, the less popular this category was in a country, the more popular the “Computer games” category was. Children in the UK (28%), Germany (26%) and Australia (21%) are most likely to play online, while children from Mexico (4%), Italy (6%) and Japan (7%) do so less frequently. When it comes to watching videos, listening to music and downloading software, kids in Japan are the clear leaders (12% of all Parental Control notifications). They are also more likely to shop online (17%), as are children and teenagers in China (20%). The category “Alcohol, tobacco and narcotics” racked up the most notifications in Germany (23%) and the UK (25%). In its turn, adult content generated most interest among children in China (23%) and Japan (5%). This topic was of least interest in the UK and the US (both less than 1%). “The popularity of certain types of websites among children in different countries can be linked to each country’s cultural traits and economic conditions. We see that children are becoming more self-reliant online: they choose what music to listen to, what movies and cartoons to watch, and what software to install. This independence is great, but on the Web, as well as in real life, it is necessary to guide youngsters and teach them how to behave wisely, safely and responsibly. We at Kaspersky Lab believe that to prevent encounters with harmful content, parents need to combine a comprehensive security solution with constant communication. Conversations educate young users about online threats and help to build trusting relationships in families, while security solutions provide a basis for such conversations and a safe environment for all the family,” says Anna Larkina, Senior Web Content Analyst at Kaspersky Lab. The Kaspersky Total Security – multi-device and Kaspersky Internet Security – multi-device consumer solutions include a Parental Control module to help adults protect their children against online threats and block any sites or apps with inappropriate content. Kaspersky Lab also offers the Safe Kids solution that allows parents to monitor what their children do, see or search for online across all devices, and to show them what is dangerous or inappropriate online.

July 12, 2016

Auditory Processing – Another Buzz Word?

Auditory processing has become quite a buzz word amongst school teachers and therapists recently. And rightly so, as it is often under-identified or misdiagnosed as attention deficit disorder or bad behaviour, due to poor listening skills. What is Auditory Processing? Auditory processing is “what the brain does with what the ear hears” (Katz, 1994). In short, it is the ability of the brain to identify, localise, attend, remember and respond to auditory stimuli, generally the spoken word. Central auditory processing disorders (CAPD) or auditory processing disorders (APD) are a pattern of disorders whereby certain of the skills that make up auditory processing skills are relatively weak, thereby affecting listening behaviours. How Do You Know If It Is Auditory Processing, Or Just ‘Not Listening’? Central auditory processing disorder (CAPD) and attention deficit disorder (ADD or ADHD) often present with similar symptoms. The primary symptoms for ADD tend to be inattentiveness, distractibility, hyperactivity, restlessness and impulsivity. The primary symptoms for auditory processing disorder (APD) tend to be difficulty hearing in background noise, difficulty following oral instructions, poor listening skills, academic difficulties, distractibility and inattentiveness.[i] How Is Auditory Processing Assessed? Auditory processing is generally assessed by an audiologist (hearing healthcare professional). The audiologist would begin by assessing the outer, middle and inner ear structure and function to make sure that the hearing levels themselves are within normal limits, and there is no ear wax or middle ear infection preventing your child from listening! Thereafter, the audiologist runs a series of tests. Your child wears a set of headphones and responds to auditory tests. Other tests involve more direct interaction with the audiologist. The results are scored and compared against normative data for children of the same age group. Relative strengths and relative weaknesses are identified. The following subtests typically make up an auditory processing assessment: Auditory memory or sequencing for stories, sentences, words and digits Auditory discrimination between similar sounding words (chat/fat) Auditory closure for words that are missing a portion or are distorted Auditory analysis which involves breaking a word down into parts Auditory synthesis which involves building a word up by parts Speech in noise testing to test the child’s ability to ignore competing background noise Dichotic listening which involves listening to words or sentences presented to each ear at the same time Certain children present with patterns of strengths or weaknesses for certain skills. Depending on the pattern of presentation, this may result in certain difficulties in the classroom environment. Can Auditory Processing Weaknesses Be Treated? Treatment of auditory processing weaknesses is typically tailor-made for your child, depending on the pattern of weaknesses or strengths identified. Speech therapists are typically involved to provide auditory processing therapy, alternatively a home program of exercises may be suggested. Certain classroom modifications may be recommended to the teacher. If the weakness is significant, then assistive listening devices like an FM system may be helpful for some children. What can parents do to help? If you suspect that your child may be presenting with an auditory processing weakness, you can arrange for auditory processing testing to be conducted by a local audiologist . Testing is typically conducted on primary school-aged children age 6-11, but testing can be conducted on teenagers, depending on the tests available at your audiologist. The audiologist will be able to provide further information, specific to your child’s presentation.

July 11, 2016

Increased screen time can lead to higher need for OT therapy in South African children

Occupational specialists warn that too much TV and electronic time can affect physical and social development in children, leading to a higher need for OT. OT specialist, from Sensory Zone, Ray Anne Cook recently addressed a workshop of parents at Toy Kingdom, Canal Walk, Cape Town, to talk more on the importance of play, especially in the foundation years for children. According to Cook, “when children sit in front of a screen, they are not developing holistically; they are not using their bodies to move. The screen is simultaneous visual and auditory stimulation which is not calming or soothing for a child as much as movement and resistance activities are.” Cook elaborates further in the press release below. Some of the key insights include: Sensory Development– at the age of 2 years old, a child does not yet know where their body is and they need to explore and see how their bodies can move in a 3 dimensional world. This is where motor planning skills becomes important so that children can learn to problem solve. Cook highlights the need for traditional play time with educational toys that can encourage problem solving skills. Empathy and Social Skills– children need to learn from a very young age how to react to the world around them, and playing with toys such as dolls and action figures can help with understanding feelings of empathy Spatial awareness– giving your children the freedom to move during play will increase their sense of understanding of their bodies. If a child is frequently knocking into things, it is more than likely that his or her sense of touch and body space awareness is underdeveloped. Signs to look out for? – Cook advises that generally, if a child does not enjoy an age appropriate game or activity, has difficulty engaging with his peers in play, is unable to participate actively in everyday classroom tasks and is struggling to develop independence in age appropriate tasks at home, i.e. play, dressing, feeding, toileting etc., there may be a deficit or delay in skills development What sorts of toys are useful? – Cook includes of list of the sorts of toys to help development, e.g. things that feel weird, toys that require use of both hands etc. To help parents navigate their stores to find skills building toys, Toy Kingdom have introduced a category system in stores nationwide that helps parents identify which toys help to build certain skills. Occupational therapy is a term becoming increasingly known to South African parents as one of the fields recruited to assist with early childhood development, particularly in the areas of play, motor and perceptions skills. A child’s occupation is play and they develop and learn through play. OT specialist Ray Anne Cook recently addressed a group of parents at an OT workshop hosted by toy brand, Toy Kingdom, and emphasised concerns around too much screen time. “When children sit in front of a screen, they are not developing holistically; they are not using their bodies to move. The screen is simultaneous visual and auditory stimulation which is not calming or soothing for a child as much as movement and resistance activities are. ” Cook explained that the first two years in a child’s life focuses on sensory development, followed by sensory motor development from ages 2-4 years which explores touch. “At the age of 2 years old, a child does not yet know where their body is and they need to explore and see how their bodies can move in a 3 dimensional world. This is where motor planning skills becomes important so that children can learn to problem solve.” Cook highlights the need for traditional play time with educational toys that can encourage problem solving skills. She believes that a child who does not learn to problem solve in the classroom, playground or at home and in the community will have trouble tackling issues later on in life. Cook further stresses the importance of nurturing a child’s interest when it comes to toys, and to not force children onto toys that a parent thinks they should be playing with. If the toys or games speak to the child’s interest, the child will be more inclined to play. Children need to learn from a very young age how to react to the world around them, and playing with toys such as dolls and action figures can help with understanding feelings of empathy, as well help to build social skills. “Play is relationship building, this is the space where social skills are developed and parents must be mindful that it’s not about getting the game right, it’s about the experience the child is having. Never force a child to play, let them discover their surroundings” said Cook. Giving your children the freedom to move during play will increase their sense of understanding of their bodies. If a child is frequently knocking into things, it is more than likely that his or her sense of touch and body space awareness is underdeveloped. Cook explains that even doing something as simple as pulling a child on a blanket across the floor will not only be fun for the child, but will teach him or her about the sense of balance. For many parents, knowing what to look out for in their children when assessing their needs for further skill development or occupational therapy can be daunting. Cook advises that generally, if a child does not enjoy an age appropriate game or activity, has difficulty engaging with his peers in play, is unable to participate actively in everyday classroom tasks and is struggling to develop independence in age appropriate tasks at home, i.e. play, dressing, feeding, toileting etc., there may be a deficit or delay in skills development. She also explains that often children’s resistant, controlling or avoidant behaviour can be the first sign that they are finding something challenging. Quality development in the right areas can assist young children to inhibit the basic skills needed to perform efficiently

July 8, 2016

Breastfeeding could save the lives of thousands of infants affected by drought

South Africa is currently suffering one of the worst droughts in recorded history. This poses a major health risk to thousands of infants in drought ridden areas, which can be largely mitigated by simply supporting and encouraging breastfeeding mothers. “Disaster areas are particularly dangerous for infants because their fragile immune systems struggle to cope with stressors like overcrowding, lack of access to clean water and lack of quality medical treatment” says Stasha Jordan, breastfeeding activist and executive director of the South African Breastmilk Reserve (SABR). Diarrhoea is rarely fatal in adults, but it kills over 2 million children under the age of 5 each year around the world. Up to 90% of deaths in emergency situations are due to diarrhoea.1 To compound this tragedy, many of these deaths are avoidable through breastfeeding. A stark illustration of this fact is the investigation by the Centre for Disease Classification (CDC) into the deaths of more than 500 children in Botswana in 2005-06 after a major flood. The study found that nearly all the babies who died were formula fed, and that breastfeeding infants were almost entirely spared.2 Some of these deaths result directly from contaminated water, but even access to clean drinking water does not guarantee an infant’s safety. The United Nations Refugee Agency has found that “insufficient water means that containers and utensils used for mixing milk are often dirty, thus making secondary contamination highly probable. [Dried skim milk], [dried whole milk] or infant formula that are reconstituted with contaminated water are ideal media for breeding harmful bacteria.”3 Proper cleaning and sterilising of cleaning implements, surfaces and hands consumes enormous amounts of water. Feeding an infant eight times a day on formula requires 24 litres of clean water per day, and about 170 litres per week.4 Yet each time there is a humanitarian disaster, aid agencies are flooded with donations of breastmilk substitutes. This stems from a widespread misconception that, during disasters, women’s breastmilk is somehow compromised.5 “Many mothers are worried that, during times of stress or hunger, their breastmilk will not be sufficient to provide for their baby’s needs, and so they are swayed into formula feeding by well-meaning aid workers,” says Jordan, “The irony is that continuing to breastfeed is the single most healthy thing that they could do for their child,” she adds Karleen Gribble and Nina Berry, two leading academics on breastfeeding, state unambiguously that “mothers who are exclusively breastfeeding are able to continue to provide food to their infants regardless of the stress they might be experiencing and their own access to food” and that “exclusive breastfeeding could be considered an emergency preparedness activity.”4 Five of our provinces have already been declared disaster areas as a result of the drought, and millions of the country’s poorest people are struggling to access enough clean water. In that context, supporting breastfeeding mothers is more vital than ever. “It is our collective responsibility as a society to ensure that babies who are already being breastfed continue to be and that babies who are not breastfed re-start breastfeeding,” says Jordan. ”Together we can help prevent a humanitarian disaster and save the lives of thousands of infants,” she concludes. To get involved and alleviate the challenges faced by the SABR, including low breastfeeding rates in South Africa, sourcing donor mothers and funding for the operation of the milk-banks, please visit www.sabr.org.za or call 011 482 1920 or e-mail: [email protected]. References: Why infant formula causes deaths due to diarrhoea. Karleen Gribble (2007). Protecting infants in emergencies: Information for the Media, IFE Core Group UNHCR policy related to the acceptance, distribution and use of milk products in refugee settings Emergency preparedness for those who care for infants in developed country contexts, Gribble and Berry, International Breastfeeding Journal (2011) Supporting breastfeeding in emergencies: protecting women’s reproductive rights and maternal and infant health, Karleen D. Gribble, Marie McGrath, Ali MacLaine and Lida Lhotska

July 7, 2016

Advice on keeping your children safe during winter holidays

Parents and guardians should make sure their children follow basic personal safety rules throughout the year, to protect them from the evils that might wait for them in the outside world. That’s the advice from a local private security company, who says it believes these safety rules should constantly be reinforced on children, especially with the winter school holidays just a few weeks away. “Instead of starting these safety training sessions anew, it makes more sense to instil a sense of responsibility with your children that they follow throughout the year. As much as we would love to look after our children 24/7, there will come a time when they have to fend for themselves. We have to prepare and equip them. Safety must be a part of your child’s education,” said ADT Security’s General Manager (Coastal) Adrian Good. He explained there are basic and practical safety precautions parents can share with their children regardless of whether they are left with a caregiver, domestic staff or stay at home by themselves during the holidays. “It is important that they know to always keep entry and exit doors locked, and that nobody is to enter the property without your permission. If you have a home security system installed teach them how to activate and deactivate it and how and when to use other security devices like panic buttons.” He adds that it is a good idea to have a list of emergency contacts – including the number for your local police station and private security service provider – near the telephone and to explain to children when and how it must be used. “You should also ensure your children know how to behave in a safe and responsible manner if they are active online,” said Good. He suggests teaching children the following: Never post any personal information online – like an address, email address or mobile number. Think carefully before posting pictures or videos of yourself. Once you’ve put a picture of yourself online most people can see it and may be able to download it, it’s not just yours anymore. Keep your privacy settings as high as possible. Never give out your passwords. Don’t befriend people you don’t know. Don’t meet up with people you’ve met online. Your child should always tell you if an online contact they have never met suggests they meet up. Remember that not everyone online is who they say they are. Think carefully about what you say before you post something online. Respect other people’s views, even if you don’t agree with someone else’s views doesn’t mean you need to be rude. If a child sees something online that makes them feel uncomfortable, unsafe or worried: they should leave the website, turn off their computer and tell someone immediately. Lastly, he said, it is important that your child always feel secure enough to come and talk to you about anything that maybe scare them or make them feel uneasy. In this way, parents can take action when their children need their help in dealing with whatever might be bothering them.

July 6, 2016

Gorillas, Alligators and Compassion

Accidents happen. All the time. Yet another occurred this week. Another toddler with an animal – first it was the gorilla, then the alligator. And now the internet is alive with criticisms, articles, and perfect people. Compassion and tolerance, people, what happened to those? I am so tired of the posts about the gorilla. I even saw a meme with a picture of Harambe – or some random gorilla probably – that said “I had to die because some stupid b!tch wasn’t watching her kid”. Honestly? I wonder if the person who created that meme would actually have the mettle to say that to that mother’s face. Easy to be opinionated behind a screen, isn’t it? So black and white. Save the endangered gorilla and let the 4yr old die – I mean there are hundreds of those roaming the planet. And now they are killing alligators to try find a body to give those poor parents some closure. But that is ok? Both horrendous accidents, although one ended very tragically. And yet, people point fingers. At everyone. The zoo, the children, the resort, and the parents. Mostly the parents. Good grief people. What is wrong with us? Have we lost the ability to be compassionate? Let the person who has never had an accident happen throw the first stone. I challenge anyone to take care of a toddler and see if you can get through one day – hell, in some cases, one HOUR – without having to run at least once to save them from a fateful end! Whether it’s them rushing after a ball that runs into a road, or climbing an electric gate that is about to open, or putting some garden fertiliser in their mouth… or even a peanut, which can be deadly for an allergic child… or stopping them from climbing up a bookshelf that could quite easily fall forward on top of them. I guarantee you small children will head boldly and ignorantly into the threat of imminent danger without a second thought for consequence. That is how they operate. That is how they learn. The prefrontal cortex does not develop until much later and only then can they project possible outcomes without actually experiencing them. I mean, do we honestly think any parent would blatantly ignore the dangers that present themselves daily to their children? I have three boys. I promise you accidents happen. Fortunately for most of us, those crazy moments that could otherwise have ended in disaster, end in a last minute save. They make for hilarious dinner time tales that everyone laughs at and then says, “Sheesh! Imagine if you didn’t get there in time!” Well, this little boy’s mom did NOT get there in time. And that father was not able to save his boy. These incidents didn’t end in hilarious dinner stories. These incidents were not one of those last minute saves. But we weren’t there. We don’t know what exactly happened. We don’t know if those parents tried to stop their children or if they warned him off. We just don’t know. And sadly, accidents happen. In this case, tragedy. But who are we to sit here and point fingers? To judge those parents? We were not there. We don’t know how many times that mom may have said “Stay away from the railings!” Or if that dad had said, “Don’t go in the water!” I know that my children don’t always listen first time when I say something. Do yours? So let’s be more compassionate. Let’s put ourselves in their shoes for a minute. Who knows how any of this is going to pan out for any of them? But one thing is clear – they are all forever changed. They are all heartbroken. And they all did what they believed was best at the time. That ‘negligent’ mom you seem to be judging, that ‘irresponsible’ father who you just cannot believe ‘allowed’ that to happen. It could have been any one of us. Accidents happen. We need to find our compassion again. We need to not be so black and white. The world is a multi-coloured spectrum where no one can actually judge another because no one has actually walked the exact footsteps of that person. We were not there. We don’t know. Stop judging other parents.

July 5, 2016

Dyslexia: Fact or Fiction?

Megan struggles to read. She is eight years old and everyone in her class seems to read better than her. Megan tries really hard but it never gets easier. She feels silly. Mom thinks Megan has dyslexia. According to popular belief, dyslexia is a disorder which causes kids to struggle with reading, spelling, writing and studying. Many believe that dyslexia is a neurological disorder in the brain that causes information to be processed and interpreted differently. Some people even believe that dyslexia is genetic. Road to Reading Susan du Plessis, director of Edublox Reading and Learning Clinic, says that if the term ‘dyslexia’ is only used to indicate a reading problem, it’s used correctly, but she doesn’t subscribe to the theory that it’s a neurological disorder. Susan shares this view with many others in both the fields of medicine and education. Many kids are labeled dyslexic from a very early age, long before they’ve even mastered the basic foundations required for reading. Can any child be labeled a ‘poor reader’ if he hasn’t been taught correctly or mastered specific steps on the road to reading? Let’s look at the sport of ice hockey. Before you kit your child out with the protective gear required by the sport and expect him to make the team, he first needs to learn how to ice skate, both forward and backward. He must also learn to turn and stop. Once he has mastered this step, he can move on to learning to control the puck with the stick, to pass and receive a pass, and to shoot. Only when these skills are well practiced and achieved, and he also knows the rules of the game, can he possibly make the team. “It’s exactly the same with reading,” explains Susan. “Without a good foundation and mastering the individual steps, children simply don’t learn to read well.” Steps to Reading Learning to read is a process. In order for a child to master this complex task, he or she needs to master the following skills: Language This vital first step begins at birth. Before any child can learn to read, he or she must have a good grasp of language. It’s the step that fits in at the same level as the ‘learning to skate’ section in our analogy on playing ice hockey. Before any child can learn to read, he must have a good command of language. Cognitive skills The next step on the road to reading starts when your child is two or three years old. Cognitive skills are mental skills that are used to acquire knowledge. Learning difficulties, like dyslexia, are often linked to weak cognitive skills. Concentration, perception, memory and logical thinking are four important cognitive skills needed for reading. Concentration: Children need to be taught to focus their attention and keep it focused for a period of time. Concentration is both an ‘act of will’ and a skill. Skills need to be taught and like other skills, concentration can be improved with regular practice. Perception: Perception is the ability to identify, recognise and interpret something, usually through the senses of sight or hearing. Two important perceptual skills for reading are directionality and form discrimination. Directionality relates to the direction of objects ‘in relation to self’ while form discrimination is the ability to perceive differences in the shape of objects. In reading, both these skills are essential — from learning the letters of the alphabet to syllables and then recognising whole words. Memory: There are many different kinds of memory and each is an important foundational skill for reading and spelling. Visual memory is particularly important, because a child must remember the visual appearance of words and letter sequence in order to read them. Logical thinking: Logical thinking is the ability ‘think head’ in sequence or steps in a way that makes sense or logically follows the previous step. This is an important skill for reading comprehension, because by using logical thinking skills, a child can anticipate what happens next. Susan says that weak cognitive skills can be strengthened and normal cognitive skills can be enhanced to increase ease and performance in learning. “Specific brain-training exercises can strengthen these weaknesses leading to increased performance in reading, spelling and learning,” she states. Just like the ice hockey player who is proud of his achievement when he finally makes the team, so your child, with some extra help in the right areas, can be a great reader — and proud of it too.

July 4, 2016

Let’s play!

By Chantel Nortje, BSc Physiotherapy (Hons), UCT Physiotherapist with special interest in paediatrics In today’s fast-paced, technology-driven world it’s easy to forget the basics when it comes to our children’s growth and development. Added to this, with society’s shift towards all things digital – media, television, hand-held devices, and online and digital games – not enough time is spent engaged in traditional games and activities that would normally encourage the development of sensory, perceptual, language and motor skills. As modern-day adults, we need to remind ourselves that our children also have full-time jobs. Their work is to play and it’s a highly-skilled occupation that we need to encourage and nurture. We all get into bad routines of not setting aside enough regular time to provide our fully-focused attention, engaging with our children while they play traditional games and enjoy fun, messy activities. It is important to note that a lack of exposure to age-appropriate stimulation can lead to difficulties and barriers to learning. With my training and experience as a physiotherapist, I see many children missing out on crucial development milestones and, as a result, they struggle more – and at an earlier age – in the school environment. As children move and build their body’s strength through active play, they also develop important motor skills. One of the most significant benefits gained from encouraging active play is the development of physical stability needed for fine motor skills, which relate to the development of the small muscles of the hands needed for writing, cutting and other complex dexterity tasks later on. It is helpful and fun to concentrate on playing games or doing activities together that include children using their body and shoulder muscles to encourage fine motor skills. Progress and maturity of these areas of development form the basis, and provide benefits, for school-related tasks such as sitting at a desk for a prolonged period, writing, cutting, drawing, tying shoe laces, writing from the left to the right side of the page, and motor planning (being able to plan and execute purposeful movement). During my therapy sessions with children I have used a variety of the Tower Kids© products, including the sand art and foam mosaic, as mediums for strengthening children’s hand and finger muscles and developing fine motor skills. These fun, multisensory activities specifically target and strengthen hand and finger muscles by facilitating the repetitive use of various types of important finger grasps and hand postures over a prolonged time to create a beautiful craft that is unique and special. The benefit of developing these fine motor skills will positively impact school-related tasks, such as writing or cutting, and playing and having fun together is also a great way to spend quality time with your child. I encourage people to slow down and really invest in the process of their children’s development and spending time playing with them, rather than trying to get ahead as fast as possible. Taking it a little slower and spending time together helps children to lay down really solid foundations that they can build on successfully in years to come. By engaging in activities aimed at particular areas of motor development, families can help children learn and cope with the ever-increasing expectations placed on them at school, while having fun at the same time!

June 30, 2016

Make every day fun!

It is almost school holidays again, and to prevent your children from complaining that they are bored or from spending all their time in front of the television, you need to be creative and plan ahead. Here are a few suggestions to inspire you. Monday: Museums and maestro’s Visit a museum – preferably one that will interest your children – or find out what is being performed at your local theatre. (Many museums and theatres offer fun, interactive holiday programmes for children.) If nothing is happening in your area, why not encourage your children to create, practise and perform their own play? Tuesday: Try it at home Holiday fun doesn’t have to be expensive. Bake cupcakes, make playdough, tie-dye a t-shirt, or dig out all your craft materials and let your children unleash their creativity! Wednesday: Will you dare? Older children will enjoy skating or testing their fear of heights by trying wall climbing or zip lining, while younger ones will enjoy the challenge of the jungle gym at a play centre. You can also visit a theme park, which will undoubtedly offer something to challenge everyone. Thursday: Treat some animals Our country teems with places where you can see and even pet all kinds of animals – from the ordinary to the peculiar! Is there an aquarium, zoo, snake park, crocodile farm or bird paradise in your back yard? Go visit it! Better yet, give of your time and help out at an animal shelter – you can walk or play with the animals, or assist with other tasks that need doing. Friday: Find out more about your town Load the children in the car and go explore the nooks and crannies of your town. You can also explore your area on foot (find out if there are any fun day trips) or by bike (why not pack a picnic basket?). End the day with a movie marathon – let everyone choose their favourite movie, make buckets of popcorn, get comfortable on the couch and relax! Impak is a curriculum provider for home, tutor and school education. Visit www.impak.co.za for more information.

June 27, 2016

Winter skincare tips for your baby

One minute you’re wondering if the blistering heat will ever come to an end and the next you’re leaving home in the dark bundled in layers of warmth. It’s May and autumn has taken hold in South Africa. When it comes to your young ones, the changing seasons bring unwelcome bouts of colds and flu – which are often connected to skin ailments. Su-Marie Annandale from baby skincare brand Krayons has the following tips for common autumn and winter skin ailments: Chapped cheeks and nose can often occur from continued running, and wiping of your child’s nose. Annandale suggests taking a facecloth soaked in warm water and gently dabbing the affected area. Once the skin is warm, apply Krayons Aqueous Cream gently in upward stokes until it has been absorbed. Follow this same routine two to three times a day to help your little one avoid chapped cheeks. Heat rash sometimes happens when your babe is wrapped up too warmly. You’ll see itchy red bumps arising from the clogging of sweat glands. The best way to combat this is to dress your baby in breathable layers so that one or two layers can be removed if the weather warms-up. Watch out for overheating, especially in little babies. Take time to pamper at bath time. Use this special time with your children to really indulge their skin. In winter, use Krayons Aqueous cream before the bath and rub generously onto your child’s skin. Make sure that the water isn’t too hot and avoid harsh soap products on their skin in the winter months (when skin is especially dry). Once bath time is over, pat the skin dry and apply another layer of cream before dressing. Finish off with a quick swipe of Krayons petroleum jelly on their lips. Don’t forget to use sunscreen throughout the year. The sun can cause unnecessary damage to young skin in summer and winter. Annandale says that your child’s skincare routine in the winter months should be more proactive than reactive. “Keeping your baby or child’s skin adequately moisturised in the cold will make sure that many skin ailments are avoided.” The full range of Krayons products are available at all major retail outlets for between R7,99 for the Krayons soap bar to R32,99 for the 500ml Petroleum Jelly. Ends. Follow Krayons on Facebook : www.facebook.com/krayonsbabies

June 23, 2016

10 Ways to deal with depressed children

Child depression is often undiagnosed and untreated because it is passed off as normal emotional and psychological changes that occur during growth. However, like any other medical condition, depression grows. It is vital that we slay this repulsive dragon before it consumes our children. Here are 10 signs and symptoms of depression and how to deal with them before your child becomes depressed. Irritability or anger When your child is agitated and angry it is imperative that you step in, calm them down, and then find out the cause. You need to do this in a manner whereby you show your child that they have your full support, and he or she will in turn trust and open up to you. Continuous feelings of sadness and hopelessness If your child is continuously sad and feeling hopeless it is most certainly up to you as the parent to give them something to smile about. Reasoning with them when things affect them emotionally immediately creates a sign of hope. Social withdrawal You have got to allow your child their social space and in the same breath question why, when they don’t make use of it. Sometimes it’s a good thing to arrange secret get together with your child’s friends at home if they become too antisocial. This surprise will force them to get interacting again in no time. An increase or decrease in appetite Realising a noticeable change in your child’s appetite is absolutely necessary. This could either mean that your child is ill or that he or she is depressed. As a concerned parent you should never allow a child to stop eating and you should also put restraints on unhealthy eating. This is why ensuring that your child is eating their required 3 meals a day with snacks in between is imperative. This is where a family table-setting dinner and breakfast should come into play everyday. Sleeplessness or excessive sleep The sleeping pattern of your child initially reveals a lot about what they are going through. Anxiety or illness is often the cause for insomnia or excessive sleeping. If your child isn’t ill, this means that you need to implement a more hands on approach and identify what their anxiety is and thereafter find ways to deal with it. Vocal outbursts or crying In these situations, the most ideal way to handle the problem is by maintaining composure. Keeping cool, calm and collected is of essence and will allow the child the space to calm down. Whereas, yelling and use of vulgar language will only add fuel to the fire that burns rage. Fatigue and low energy Fatigue and low energy, although commonly related to illness is actually controlled by the type of mindset we have. Motivation and anticipation will not result in fatigue or low energy. This ultimately suggests that if your child is displaying these symptoms, you need to motivate and show your support more often. Feelings of worthlessness or guilt Sometimes children’s self-esteem drops to a point where they feel like they have become a burden and nothing they do will turn out favourable. This attitude is brought about by continual negativity. The moment you see your child displaying these symptoms, you should step up and start introducing a positive atmosphere in all aspects of your child’s life. This will immediately turn the tables. Impaired thinking or concentration A distracted child who regularly day-dreams and is being continuously amused by silly things is a child you need to pay close attention to. Something is hampering their concentration and you need to get to the bottom of it by monitoring and showing your child that you are indeed aware of their distractions. However, make them wary by showing that you’d like to know if there is any way you can assist them to make it better. Thoughts of death or suicide This is the stage we should never even allow our children to reach. But this isn’t avoidable, and isn’t always a result of the situation at home, but more often by the social situations our children are faced with in the outside world. The only way to deal with this is by doing so realistically. Providing your child with hope and all the reasons why they should live instead of whining about all the reasons they are considering suicide is an instant dose of positive and the correct way to go. Not all children display all of these symptoms at once. In fact, most will display different symptoms at different times and in different settings. At Sugar Bay Resort we don’t let depression put any of our campers down. We realise that it’s not the problem itself which needs a direct approach, but more the way we handle it. We handle depression by having lots of fun and tackling situations indirectly, by which, in the end, after final campfire, we get to hear how these depression dragons were slayed by children themselves.

June 23, 2016

Does it get any easier?

My early morning meeting began today with a rather frazzled mother of three rushing in at the last minute, gratefully grabbing a cup of coffee, and then collapsing on her chair with the desperate plea, “Your kids are bigger than mine… tell me this gets easier!” I just smiled. What do I tell her? It does get easier, in a practical way. They learn to brush their own teeth, pack their own bags, dress themselves and make their own breakfasts. You can actually wake them up and then say, “Get ready I’m going to shower,” and they do. They clean up after themselves… sometimes. They feed dogs and cats and fish without you worrying they will poison them. Or leave a trail of animal food all over the house. They learn to wipe for themselves! That’s a milestone worth celebrating! And ultimately they slowly become independent – if you let them of course. But does it get easier? I am not so sure. In some ways it gets harder. The emotional stuff becomes bigger. Their problems get bigger and more adult like. The troubles they face get more serious. But it is still filled with those rewarding moments that make it so worthwhile. I have a six-year gap between my oldest and my youngest, so I am still firmly entrenched in Lego and toys and learning to read and tears and the turmoils of friends not being their friends today. But then I am as involved in the teens that everyone seems so afraid of. I hear about first kisses and stupid stuff that friends do, and I get to watch how peer pressure manifests its ugly little head – although sometimes in a positive way, thankfully. But does it get any easier? I really don’t think so. You see I’m a parent. And the older my kids get the more I realise that each age and stage has its own set of challenges. But underlying all of them, is the same basic drive. A protective instinct so fierce and primal that it turns you into someone who would be prepared to die for your child. It enables you to imagine carrying out acts so barbaric when your child is threatened or hurt, that a mamma bear would flinch. The responsibility you feel and the need to get it right, never gets any easier. So as we begin our meeting, I look into her desperate eyes and try find an answer. An honest answer. “It does get easier,” I said. “Soon they will be doing everything for themselves and you can arrive at meetings totally together and unfrazzled!” and she sighed and sipped her coffee, gratefully grabbing at the leaf I offered, “Thank goodness!” I know she was not ignorant of the changes that will come, and the other challenges she will face as a mom. It’s what she needed to hear in that moment, even though I suspect that she knows deep down that a parent’s job never really gets easier, she grabbed that little piece of sanity then and there, in the moment, because like all parents, we know that once that child is born, your heart will forever walk outside your body, and that never gets any easier.

June 22, 2016

Introducing Finding Dory

Finding Dory, the soon to be released movie about the friendly but forgetful blue tang fish, follows on the adventurous escapades of the characters in Finding Nemo. In the new movie, Dory, with the help of Nemo and Marlin, embarks on a quest to reunite with her mother and father. Fortunately for Dory fans, Prima Toys has launched a multitude of memorable toy products around the characters, that are ideal for children aged four and over. The toys are cute, colourful and fun and are the perfect gift for girls who enjoy character play. Below is a list of the top products in the Finding Dory range: Swiggle Fish Swiggle fish are Finding Dory friends with fun fish motion that you control. All the figures have their own unique fish-like movement. All core characters, including Dory, Nemo, Hank, Destiny and Bailey, are available in this range. Finding Dory Big Feature Figures Our big feature figures act just like they do in the movie with super fun actions. Each character has its own signature feature and you can push or pull to release their actions. Ideal for ages four and over. Finding Dory Let’s Speak Whale Now you can speak fluent Whale with the help of your favourite blue tang fish Dory. Speak into the device to record your favourite phrase and play back to hear it spoken in official whale language. Ideal for ages four and up. Finding Dory Bath Squirters Watch out because our Finding Dory fish friends are going to get you wet! The cute Finding Dory Bath Squirters are great for bath time and outdoor fun. Squeeze under water to fill them up, then squeeze to release water and wet your friends! Perfect for ages four and up. All Finding Dory products are available at good toy stores and retailers countrywide. For more information go to www.Facebook.com/PrimaToys

June 20, 2016

Ten things to do before baby arrives

Well, here I sit, 38, almost 39 weeks pregnant, can you believe it?! The last few weeks are a bit of a roller-coaster of emotions and general craziness: getting all our last ducks in a row before baby arrives, thinking about labour, wondering if I’m going to be a good mom and in Dan and my case, starting to pack up our home. Madness. The last thing you want is to be running around like a headless chicken when you already have so much on your mind (and to do list), so here are my top 10 things to do before your kiddo is in your arms. Finish baby’s room: Get all the painting and assembling and decorating done. It’s a lot of work and I promise you, you will not feel like doing it when you the kid inside of you feels as if it weighs about 20kg and is about to drop out any second. Dan and I aimed to have the room done by the end of my second trimester, and we did… Only to buy a new house that we will be moving into a week or so after baby is due. Yes, we are crazy, don’t be like us. Wash all the baby clothes: “They’re so tiny, how many loads could this possibly be?” I thought to myself one Sunday afternoon. Turns out, 4 loads. Yes 4 loads of baby clothes and blankets and anything else washable. And then another 4 loads after my baby shower. That’s 8 loads to shove in the washing machine, 8 loads to hang up and 8 loads to fold (incredibly neatly if you’re anything like me) and put away. I hate laundry on any normal day, and despite this clothing being so darn cute, by the third load you’re pretty much over it. So block out a week and just do one or two loads a day. Don’t forget to buy the baby washing liquid and if you use softener, use white vinegar instead. Sort out maternity and paternity leave: I don’t have experience in applying for maternity leave and the UIF process that goes along with it but it seems like a mission, especially the UIF part, so my advice would be to get the process going as soon as you can. I know there are agencies that will deal with the nitty gritty for you so definitely consider using them if you can to avoid some stress. When it comes to paternity leave, I think most company’s give 2 or 3 working days. Chat to your partner about when the best time to take those days would be: do you want to use them around the birth or only start the leave the day you return home from the hospital? Try to figure out what will work best for you both as well as baby. Of course, if the employer allows it, you can extend this leave by using annual leave as well. It made me feel so much more at ease once Dan’s paternity leave was booked, knowing that he would be around and knowing exactly when he would be going back to work. Have sex: Yes, there, I said it. Look, I’m not saying that you need to keep to your pre-pregnancy, bend like a pretzel, kitchen counter top ways; but what I am saying is that when the mood strikes, even if ever so slightly, go with it. We all know that sex releases the happy hormones but what is even more important (to me anyway) is that it makes you and your partner feel connected and close again. Besides the normal day-to-day stresses of everyday life, you are both also dealing with the stresses that pregnancy brings and this often tends to take over the relationship forcing intimacy to take a bit of a back seat. If something as simple as sex can help you reconnect, I say do it, quite literally. Yes, you probably feel like you need a forklift to move you and you definitely need to be a bit more creative now that you have a belly in the way, but it’s so worth it.* Have your baby shower: I loved my baby shower so much, I had all my favourite gals with me and it was just a divine morning of food and chatting. What I loved most about my baby shower though, is that I was still able to enjoy it and wasn’t trying to mask uncomfortable Braxton Hicks or acid reflux that seems to now be plaguing me in the last few days. I was about 34 weeks when I had mine and I think anything between 32 weeks and then is a good time. You don’t want to be exhausted and uncomfortable when you should be having a good time if you have it too late. Go shopping and get cooking: I can’t imagine cooking and preparing meals being too high on the priority list once baby is here. What I’ve done is make a few frozen meals that I can whip out after we’ve had Corn Flakes 4 nights in a row. Another good idea is to stock up on your non-perishables. Stuff like tea, coffee, toilet paper, items that won’t go off. I think that this is pretty important – I don’t think you or your partner are going to feel like zooting off to the shops, and if you have a c-section, you usually can’t drive for 6 weeks so going to the shops might not even be an option. On that note though, if you haven’t signed up for online shopping, maybe do that so that if you do need something and can’t get to the shops, you can order online. I would suggest Woolworths and Pick ‘n Pay for groceries and Dischem for goodies for baby. Pack the hospital bags: I won’t go into this too much as I have already done two blog posts and two YouTube videos on

June 20, 2016

Nurturing Mom

Did you know that nature supports mothers taking time out for themselves? And that if you mess with nature you end up actually being a less-caring mother – on a PHYSICAL level? We have a little hormone running through us called Oxytocin. You might remember it from your pregnancy and birth – it’s the one that facilitates birth and helps with lactation and bonding with your baby. It is even sometimes referred to as the “bonding hormone”. Now most mothers forget about Oxytocin once they’ve weaned their babies. So what most don’t know is that Oxytocin is decreased by what I will call “over-care”. When you give and give and give and look after everyone else’s needs and not your own and put yourself last and tire yourself out. When you come to that point where your husband asks you for a bit of loving and you shout back at him “I just have nothing left to give!!!” you know you’re running out of Oxytocin. Nature does not want you to be self-sacrificing. Or to give up on the things that bring you pleasure and rejuvenation. In fact, if your Oxytocin levels drop too low you won’t even bond with your kids anymore. You can feel tired, drained, pessimistic and sucked-dry and you may even consider eating your offspring (or at least trying to send them back from where they came!). We need Oxytocin to empathise with, trust and love other human beings (including our own kids). So if you’re already feeling like a murderous mom, here are some things that you can do to nurture yourself and at the same time up your Oxytocin levels and help yourself and your entire family: Get loads of hugs. From anyone and everyone. 8 hugs a day – minimum! Hold hands and make eye contact. With your kids, your spouse, your friends. Even a handshake will release small amounts of Oxytocin. Long candlelit dinners gazing into your loved-one’s eyes are better. Watch a chick-flick! Tearjerkers are awesome Oxytocin stimulators. Join a choir or go to a karaoke night with your friends. Singing in company makes our oxytocin sing too. Take up the Tango. Or any kind of partner dancing that takes your fancy. Do something scary – jump out of a plane, ride a rollercoaster, shoot guns. Take a walk with a friend. Give and accept love and gifts. Spend time with your girlfriends. If you can’t get out to connect, at least pop onto Facebook and connect with your friends virtually. Eat bananas, eggs and peppers. Listen to soothing music. Breathe deeply. Make sure you are taking time out everyday to nurture yourself and your Oxytocin and you will be a much more empathetic, kind, caring mother. So the next time your partner asks you why you are going out AGAIN for a girl’s movie, dinner and dancing evening, tell him it is essential for the survival of your children!

June 16, 2016

Super mom or Scary mom

I am an amazing mother. I’m also a pretty damn shocking one. I am calm and patient and understanding. I’m also short tempered and irritable and impatient. I do things that build my kids up… and I do things that break them down. Sound familiar? Or are you still seeing yourself through the lens of super mom or scary mom? Do you have yourself on a pedestal or in a pit? Are you tooting your own horn or dragging yourself though the mud? The truth is, we all have all traits. We’re all sometimes fantastic and sometimes terrible. We’re all sometimes dependable and sometimes unavailable, sometimes present and sometimes distracted, sometimes kind and sometimes cruel. There’s no getting away from it. You are a human being, and like all human beings you have all traits. Not that this is good or bad either. Even our so-called “bad” traits have their place in the world and in parenting. When we look at someone and fantasise that they are some kind of a super mom, what we are doing is firstly focusing only on their good traits (they have the opposite too, I promise, even if you’re not seeing it right now) and then being too humble to admit that we have those same good traits that they do. We may display these traits at a different time or even in a different way, but we have them. We do the same then when we label someone as a scary mom. We focus in on their bad traits (and ignore the good ones that are definitely there too) and we’re too proud to see that we have those ”bad” traits too. It’s actually a really helpful life lesson to do this. The people in our worlds will reflect to us the traits that we are too proud or humble to see in ourselves. If we can stop in those moments and find those traits, we will gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and will be more patient and loving with ourselves, our children, and everyone else. So what makes someone a “good” parent then? If there were such a thing, I would say it would be someone who both acknowledges and embraces all traits in themselves, in their partner and in their kids; who allows themselves and their family to be normal and human and to express all their traits. Too often, as parents, we are expecting ourselves or our children to only display one half of our nature – to be always good, kind, loving, generous, patient, respectful, truthful, trustworthy, helpful, humble, focused, charming, fun, and meticulous. Nobody can be expected to live that out on a day-to-day basis – it’s a recipe for rebellion at least and insanity at worst. Every one of us is also lazy, rude, impulsive, quarrelsome, malicious, stingy, bossy, unfriendly, self-centred, arrogant, obnoxious and sullen. When we stop judging these traits as “bad” and see them as part of the colourful array of human traits that we’ve all been given, we’ll start moving away from self-judgement, guilt and self-minimization and start moving towards wholeness. We will also stop punishing our children for being human and will help them to grow up with a healthy self-image. Let us embrace both super mom and scary mom and stop judging ourselves as being anything less than the perfectly multifaceted beings that we are.

June 16, 2016

Time for bed!

An eye-opening estimated 70% of children are not getting enough sleep or enough quality sleep these days! Keep reading to find out what this is doing and how to help them and yourself, as a parent, rest easier! The amount of sleep a child needs varies depending on age and health, but here is a quick guideline to help you gauge how much sleep your child ideally needs! Age Sleep hours needed per day 1-4 Weeks 15 – 16 1-4 Months 14 – 15 4-12 Months 14 – 15 1-3 Years 12 – 14 3-6 Years 10 – 12 7-12 Years 10 – 11 12-18 Years 8 – 9 So, why do we our children need regular, quality sleep? Sleep serves a critical role in our health and well-being and gives your body a rest, allowing it to prepare for the next day. Every movement we make uses vital resources and creates minuscule wear and tear for our bodies. At night, while we sleep, our body finally gets the chance to rebuild itself. While we are awake, our minds are barraged from input from 5 senses, as well as constantly using thought, logic, creativity, and creating memories. Sleep gives the brain the time it needs to sort out and store information, replace chemicals, and solve problems. If you are having a hard time trying to get your kids to sleep as much as they should, here are a few age-appropriate tips to give you a hand: Newborns Observe baby’s sleep patterns and identify signs of sleepiness. Put your baby in the crib when drowsy, before they fall asleep. Place your baby to sleep on their back with face clear of blankets and other soft items. Infants Develop regular daytime and bedtime schedules. Create a consistent and enjoyable bedtime routine, such as reading to them or singing. Make their space “sleep friendly” environment, with soft lighting. Toddlers Maintain a sleep schedule and consistent bedtime routine. Make the bedroom environment the same every night, without much change. Encourage use of a “sleep pal” such as a blanket or stuffed animal. Preschoolers Have a relaxing bedtime routine that ends in the room where the child sleeps. Child should sleep in the same sleeping environment every night, in a room that is cool, quiet and dark, without a TV. School-aged Children Teach them about healthy sleep habits and why sleep is important. Make child’s bedroom conducive to sleep – dark, cool and quiet. Avoid caffeine and sugary food and drink.

June 15, 2016

Nap time

It’s important to note the difference between nap time and sleep time. When we refer to ourselves or our baby’s as taking a nap, the implication is that it will be an hour or two at most that sleep will take place. Most newborns sleep for two to four hours at a time whether it be day or night. At this stage, you shouldn’t expect any sort of napping pattern to evolve – just let your baby sleep as much as he or she needs to at any given point in time. By the time baby is 6 to 8 weeks old, he or she is likely to sleep less often but for longer stretches of time and will by now probably need two to four naps a day, perhaps even more. At this point, babies generally start to become fussier in their sleep routine. And this is where the Hugseez Baby Wrap Carrier proves to be so useful. The Wrap will make your baby feel more secure and he or she will fall asleep wrapped up securely and close to your heart. Once nicely asleep, you can easily then put them in their crib. At around 3 or 4 months of age, baby should begin to follow a more predictable pattern of daytime sleep and this is a good time to start developing a nap schedule. Letting baby nap at the same times each day is the easiest and best way to develop a solid routine for baby. Keep in mind that his or her temperament and natural rythms will also determine how and when he or she naps. So some babies will nap for long stretches every day easily settling into a routine whilst others do just fine taking shorter naps or napping at less regular times. It’s encouraging to note that by 6 months baby will probably be taking two or three naps a day generally in the morning, early afternoon and perhaps later in the afternoon. And by 9 to 12 months, should be down to two naps a day, usually morning and afternoon. At around 18 months, many children give up their morning nap altogether but continue to require an afternoon snooze time. They should continue with this pattern until around 3 or 4 years of age although some only start tapering off by around 5 years of age. These napping / sleeping patterns that we’ve referred to above are in general typical patterns. Not all babies will follow them and we know that some baby’s will have their very own unique sleep habits. No matter which sleep/nap pattern applies to your baby, be sure to have a Hugseez Baby Wrap Carrier with you at all times to aid in creating a warm, safe and comfortable space for baby to sleep, even if it’s just to help through the fretful times. For more information on a Hugseez Baby Wrap Carrier, visit our website: www.babylegends.co.za on how to order your Hugseez today.

June 14, 2016

Rest is critical for everyone

Diana Du Plessis on behalf of Philips Mother and Child Division The early months with your newborn can be very tiring but it’s important that you also try to get enough shut-eye. It is estimated that new parents can lose between 400 and 750 hours sleep in their baby’s first year! The good news however, is that there are a few things you can do to help make life a bit more restful, for everyone. Most new parents like to keep their baby close by in the early weeks. A Moses basket or small crib is ideal as it can be moved around the house so that your baby can be where you are. It is also recommended that babies sleep in their parents’ room for the first six months, in a separate crib. However, after the first few weeks you might begin to feel a bit more relaxed about letting your little one sleep in another room. Staying connected with your baby when you’re not together is very important though and that’s where a good baby monitor can help. Stay Connected Baby monitors allow you to keep an eye on your baby even when you’re not in the room – giving you extra peace of mind. Not only do they let you know when your baby is crying, but you can talk back and reassure them with your voice depending on the model of monitor of course. If your baby is older (and a noisy sleeper), look for a monitor with adjustable sensitivity. You won’t hear every sound, but you’ll know if your baby needs you. Some monitors can also remotely notify you of the temperature and humidity of your baby’s room. Your baby’s sleep and relaxation can be easily affected by even the slightest variations in climate, as babies aren’t capable of efficiently regulating their own body temperatures. The latest monitors mean you can keep an eye on temperature and humidity levels from anywhere in your home and check your baby’s room is comfortable and healthy. Introduce a Routine Some babies find it easier than others to settle. If your baby is a good sleeper, you’re lucky. But, there may still be times when your little one needs a bit of extra help at bedtime with baby sleep training. Introducing a sleep-time routine such as a darkened room, a certain song or lullaby, and a baby sleeping bag instead of sheets and blankets can really help. A soother may also help to settle them. Babies have a strong instinct to suck and that simple sucking action is naturally relaxing. Try and get your baby in the mood for sleep, but encourage them to do the ‘going to sleep’ bit alone, by saying good night and leaving the room quietly. Return to soothe if needed it but leave before your baby is completely asleep. Gradually, they’ll find it easier to settle themselves on their own. A baby who knows how to go to sleep alone nearly always sleeps through the night earlier, as it’s easier to get back to sleep. Most babies are able to sleep the whole 10 to 12 hour night at around 6 to 7 months. Here are some top tips for helping your baby sleep Newborn babies who are more unsettled may benefit from skin to skin contact and lots of cuddles. Newborns also find movement very soothing. For unsettled babies, try gentle rocking in your arms, in the pram, or in a sling or baby carrier. Suckling is also very soothing, so try a breastfeed or soother. Lullabies can help soothe your baby back to sleep, and you can sing or play them through a parent unit, if your monitor has one. The talkback function enables you to reassure your baby without going into the room. This is really useful for baby sleep training and also lets your baby know you are on your way. A night light is comforting for many babies, and is useful when checking on your baby when it’s dark. You could use the night light on your monitor, for example, as it won’t disturb your baby. A special baby sleeping bag is a great alternative to sheets and blankets, as your baby can’t wriggle out of it. They are tog rated for the different seasons and keep your baby at an even temperature when sleeping. Babies and parents really benefit from a bedtime routine from about two to three months onwards. In the early evening, try a bath, a quick massage, a milk feed and maybe a special soothing bedtime song. From about six months, introduce a story and maybe a sleep time teddy or bunny. Encourage your baby to sleep more at night by feeding well and regularly during the day. At night, keep lights low, avoid too much stimulation and only change your baby’s nappy if necessary. It can take a bit of time to learn good sleeping habits, but persevere and you will soon see the results.

June 13, 2016

My first experience with childbirth

My first experience with child birth was an eye opener in every sense of the word. Moments before my son was brought forth into the world, my wife’s legs were is stirrups with me and a midwife holding her down to the bed. What happened next has stayed with me since. Let’s go back a few hours first though. 24 hours after my wife’s waters had broken we had stayed at home, visited the birthing centre and had a check-up before being packed off back home with some codeine for the pain ( rather like throwing a tennis ball at an incoming Boeing 747 to stop it ). We were then booked in for the following morning to be induced at 8am on the labour ward. That night was the longest I’ve ever had to experience in my life up to that point. Now my wife really impressed me that night as she sat through every contraction and said nothing just endured the whole process, and all I could do was watch and support in any way possible. I think we watched the movie “ Hitched “more than once that night and is now synonymous with labour pains. That morning we toddled or should I say waffled off to the labour ward hoping for this to come to an end. Once we were booked in, a bed found and placed on monitors. 8 hours later, prodded and poked with not an ounce of shame left on my wife’s part, I looked at her and thought she had endured enough. Exhausted from the whole process I asked if she could take something for the pain so she could at least rest. To this she agreed and opted for an epidural. The surgeon did the necessary and finally got the needle placed after several attempts, by this time my patience was wearing thin but I kept my cool. No point getting angry I thought and nothing good would come of it. She had been labouring for 33 hours at this point and virtually no sleep during that time. For the next hour she finally slept to my relief and I could finally breathe for a moment. 6.25pm and the decision was made to have an assisted delivery to get my son out. It was ascertained that the cord was wrapped round my son’s neck and that was the cause of him not moving down any further. The next 5 minutes was a bit of a blur and a lot of medical jargon that I must admit went right over my head. Two doctors, two midwifes and many technicians surrounded the both of us as the first doctor made the episiotomy incision and attempted to deliver with forceps. She didn’t quite seem to be getting anywhere and at that point the senior doctor took over abruptly and that takes us back to me holding my wife down to the bed. With a foot against the bottom of the bed he pulled our son violently out into the world without waiting for the next contraction. He was born at 6.36pm that night. Throughout the whole labour my wife never complained, moaned or shouted abuse at me. She simply took it all in her stride. Even when the epidural had not worked properly and she was stitched up afterwards. I’ve never been as proud of a person as I was of her. An hour after the birth of our son, she up and showered and moved to another bed. I left the hospital a different person that day, and a father.

June 10, 2016

Handwriting Problems

Handwriting is the most obvious feature of “the second R,” and is a means to an end. Students who can write legibly and with reasonable speed are not deterred by weak handwriting skills from expressing themselves. Thus it is obvious that handwriting should become routine as rapidly and efficiently as possible. It should not be stressed at the expense of more important skills, such as those necessary to speak, listen, read, spell, or compose well. What is a Handwriting Problem? A handwriting problem exists when a student writes illegibly or extremely slowly. Everyone occasionally produces some illegible letters, but some students do so frequently enough that understanding what they have written is difficult; at this point, the difficulty would be considered a problem. Also, most children write quite slowly when they are first learning to print or write in cursive; slow handwriting should be considered a problem, however, when a student’s writing speed interfered with his or her other work. Problems with handwriting are also known as dysgraphia, a term coined from the Greek words dys meaning ill or difficult and graphein meaning to write, and is used to describe a severe problem with handwriting. Synonyms for dysgraphia include motor agraphia, developmental motor agraphia, special writing disability, specific handwriting disability, specific learning disability in handwriting. Problems Related to Handwriting Though IQ is not related to handwriting, spelling apparently is, according to Introduction to Learning Disabilities by Hallahan et al. Students with poor handwriting are likely to have poor spelling skills. Two ways in which handwriting may contribute to misspellings are: Handwriting errors may make a word look like another word; Slow, laboured writing of letters may cause a student to forget the word he or she is trying to spell. The first problem is one of legibility and the second is one of speed. Handwriting skill is also related to some perceptual and perceptual-motor skills. Wedell found that young students with handwriting problems had greater difficulties with position in space, drew poorly when drawing required crossing from one side of their bodies to the other, and did not benefit from handwriting tasks as much as other students. In her book Learning Disabilities: Theories, Diagnosis, and Teaching Strategies, Janet Lerner states that some of the underlying shortcomings that interfere with handwriting performance are (1.) poor motor skills, (2) faulty visual perception of letters and words, and (3.) difficulty in retaining visual impressions. The student’s problem may also be in cross-modal transfer from the visual to motor modalities.

June 9, 2016

Your child is never too young to learn about online safety

From a young age, children today are curious about accessing the Internet. In fact, more often than not, we find that our children have a better understanding and know more about our devices around the household than we do. And as they grow, they become very savvy about how to use technology to remain in constant contact with friends. If you are a parent who have children over 10, I am sure you will agree that they are constantly on their phone, PC or tablet (if they have these devices), chatting to friends online, playing games or researching information for a school project. While these devices are great and allow our kids to connect to a host of new and interesting information, there are of course a number of potential dangers that your child could face while they are using these devices to connect online. For example, accessing Wi-Fi – be it at home or in a public space where public Wi-Fi is available – might seem ‘easy or safe’ enough. However, without the right online protection this small act could mean that your child becomes vulnerable to cybercriminals – especially if they are accessing public Wi-Fi that is open and not protected. Why? Well, open Wi-Fi generally does not have the necessary security in place, which means that cybercriminals can hack into your child’s computer or mobile phone, over this open connection and can gain access to a plethora of information/images and data about your child and yourself. In fact more often than not, cyber criminals use a public Wi-Fi space as an ‘easy’ opportunity to steal confidential information from devices – information like passwords, pictures from social media or even their instant messages may be shared. While being connected is part of our daily lives, as parents, we must remember that any Wi-Fi access point is a window to the Internet for any device attached to it. It’s not only PCs or tablets that we have to worry about – your child can connect to public Wi-Fi via their mobile devices, which if compromised, can inadvertently lead them to dangerous content sites; invite them to download infected files (where they think it’s a new game upgrade) or even enter data on a phishing page. The possibilities for exposure are endless. However, it is not all doom and gloom. There are a few tips that can be followed to educate children about being savvy online, especially while using public Wi-Fi. Use 3G cards to access the Internet. If you are at an airport or at a coffee shop and your child wants to connect to the public Wi-Fi, rather give them your 3G Internet card to use, which, already has the necessary protection in place. Alternatively, if you do want to use the Wi-Fi in public venues, make sure that the Wi-Fi network is password protected. Enforce Virtual Private Networks (VPN) on your child’s mobile phone. VPNs provide a secure connection over the Internet between your child and websites they connect to. This means it encrypts the data exchanged across that connection. This can assist with protecting your child’s online activities while they are connected to the Internet as well as the content they can have access to – keeping them safe from cybercriminals. Try, whenever possible, to avoid letting your child connect to public Wi-Fi –rather ask your child not to use the public Wi-Fi and encourage them to play games offline. Implement a reliable security solution on all the devices that your children make use of, to ensure proper protection exists against all emerging threats. Parents should also consider solutions that incorporate a parental control feature, to allow you to set website access restrictions – ensuring that your children are not exposed to potentially harmful content. Education – teach your kids about Wi-Fi and the differences between open access, public and private Wi-Fi. The more your child is aware of these differences, the more they will understand if they can, and should, connect when they are out with friends. As public Wi-Fi is readily available, it is essential that as a parent you take the time to note these realities and spend time educating your children on the potential dangers that come with connecting to open Wi-Fi. Don’t let yourself, or your children, fall prey to cybercrime.

June 9, 2016

Divorce and children

Telling my children that their mom and I were getting divorced was probably the hardest conversation I have ever had. My son Luke was 11 at the time and my daughter Blythe 8. My heart broke as I looked into their sad, shocked eyes. It took everything I had to stop my tears from flowing. Their lives were being turned upside down by the two people they trusted and relied on most in the world. Divorce is a difficult and painful reality which affects almost half of everyone who gets married. Tragically it’s our children’s hearts that are so often caught in the crossfire of negative emotions that come with divorce. This is not an article on how and why to avoid divorce, or the merits of staying together or not for the kids, it’s an article on how to love, protect, nurture and equip children through divorce. If there is one thing I have learnt as a parent it’s that it is not about us it’s about our children. They are not there for us, we are there for them. We brought them into the world and it’s up to us to look after them. Whatever the reason a divorce takes place and regardless of who was most to blame,when we fail to keep our marriage together, which I did, our primary responsibility as parents remains the nurture, care and protection of our children. After I saw first hand the impact my announcement had on my children I vowed to do everything in my power to protect them from the harmful emotional effect of our divorce. It’s very easy during a divorce to become so immersed in our own emotions and self preservation that our children take a backseat. The reality is they need us more than ever. The break up of a family is a major trauma for children and we as their parents are in the strange position of being both the cause of their distress and their source of strength and security during it. Here are eight things I learnt through my own experience that can help children deal with divorce: Let them know that it’s not their fault. As irrational as it may seem, children often feel that somehow they are to blame when a family splits apart. Make sure they understand that this is mom and dad’s fault and they are not responsible in any way. Never put your children in a position where they need to choose between mom or dad. Don’t blame. Your children need both of you and they don’t want either one of you to be the villain. This is your stuff not theirs, keep it that way and do everything you can to ensure your children maintain a great relationship with both of you. Reassure them that everything will be okay. Let them know that even though the living arrangements will be changing you still love them deeply and will be present in their lives. Explain to them that they will have two homes where they will be loved and accepted completely. Help them deal with the change by talking about it. They need to mourn the passing of how life was and adjust to how life will be. The more they are able to talk about the changes and express themselves the quicker they will be able to accept and process the transition. Help them identify their feelings. No matter what they say they will be going through pain and confusion and you need to help them deal with this. Find a way to get into their hearts and minds and truly see and hear what they are thinking and feeling. The younger they are the more challenging this will be as young children don’t have the emotional understanding and maturity to identify their emotions, nor do they have the vocabulary to express them. You may need to enlist the help of an expert such as a counsellor or art therapist. Validate their feelings. Let them know that what they are feeling is normal and okay. Children often experience guilt when feeling anything negative towards their parents and will hide or suppress their emotions. Yet in a divorce they have every right to feel negative emotions towards us; we are responsible for breaking up the world as they know it. After my divorce I realised that Luke was feeling very angry with me and his mom but he felt confused and guilty about what he was feeling. I let him know that it was okay to feel that way, that he had every right to be angry. Help them process their feelings appropriately. Their unspoken question will be; ok so I realise I’m angry and it’s ok to be angry but what do I do with my anger? Again you may need to enlist the help of an expert or older mentor. In Luke’s case I asked him to forgive me and his mom and gave him the space to express and feel his anger. Often an angry child will take his frustration out in inappropriate ways like bullying, self-harm or other destructive behaviours. Helping your child to deal appropriately with emotions will set him or her free from harmful thoughts and behaviors and grow their emotional intelligence. Get your children involved in a divorce recovery programme. There are churches, community centers and counseling groups that offer programmes specifically for children going through a divorce. These can be very beneficial in assisting children to deal with their emotions and equipping them with the tools to handle the change. By taking theses eight actions, prioritizing your children’s hearts and staying deeply involved in their lives it’s possible to minimize the trauma of divorce and turn it into a powerful growth experience for both you and them.

June 9, 2016

Healthy is Happy is Healthy

Your child’s health and happiness are essentially two sides of the same coin. We sometimes feel that giving children what they want – sugary treats, screen time, toys – will make them happy. And who does not want to bring joy to their most precious little human, right? However, we tend to harm our children’s health in this process of pleasing, which ironically rather impedes their happiness. If you invest in health, happiness will flow from it. And the happier a child is, the healthier they are in turn – a beautiful upward spiral! When it comes to a kid’s contentment, we need to start thinking long-term rather than giving in to those instant, but very fleeting, feel-good fixes. Happiness often lies in temporary displeasure, so tough out the tantrums, manage the manipulation and enjoy the more steadfast state of serenity! Areas to focus on when you prioritise your child’s health might by now seem like that worn-out notice behind the bathroom door that you still find yourself reading each day. Yet, before we have reached perfection in parenthood (which have the same odds as owning a unicorn), we cannot be reminded enough. Eat, drink and be merry! Your little human simply cannot fully flourish on a faulty diet. Nutrition works like farming: what you put into the soil (e.g. pumpkin seeds) will deliver a correlating crop (in this case – pumpkins). Likewise, if you put good stuff into your child, you will grow good stuff, but if you fill them with nonsense, you will have to put up with a produce of nonsense too. Daily provisions of processed foods, refined grains, sugar and harmful additives are going to affect your child’s body and brain negatively. This will eventually show in his functioning, behaviour and mood. Vegetables (especially the green kind), unprocessed proteins, good fats and fruit (in proportionally less servings than the veggies) are really what your children (and you!) need to operate optimally. Be wary of anything that is not consumed very close to its natural state. Messing with nature’s way – like most modern diets do – also messes up a person’s nature! Concentration difficulties, hyperactivity, depressed moods, anxiety and other childhood problems are often (at least partially) associated with diet. It is just too easy to fill our little ones’ stomachs with convenience foods and to get them smiling with sweets. But what you are really doing (and this might sound harsh) is merely making your own life easier – and even then, only in the short term. You are not investing in durable happiness. If you plan, shop and budget well, you can achieve proper nutrition on a shoestring, too – so do not make budget your excuse. You just need the correct information and, of course, the willpower. Munchkins need to move it move it! Our bodies were made to move and a child will not develop properly without a healthy amount of physical activity. There are many links between movement and mood. Exercise releases a feel-good sensation. It serves as an energy-spender which consequently keeps little busy bees out of trouble and makes them feel less cooped up. At the same time, staying active actually maintains their energy levels to keep them performing vibrantly all day. Furthermore, movement improves sleep (yes – theirs and therefore yours too!). Ultimately, exercise is imperative to overall physical and cognitive health – and an ill or poorly developed child is a miserable one. Positive activities activate positivity A bored kid is a parent’s worst fear for good reasons. Boredom breeds blow-ups. Children need times of appropriate stimulation. Activities like arts, crafts and structured games aid cognitive development and creativity. Remember, what might seem like mere useless fun to you is actually a child doing important business. Positive play in childhood is equal to productive labour in adulthood. Thus, just like we get depressed during times when we have nothing useful to devote ourselves to, children also need to feel well applied to stay content. Just remember that structured activities should be age-appropriate and interjected between physical activity and free play. What happens on the outside reflects on the inside A discussion on health and happiness cannot be complete without looking at a child’s physical and social environment. Healthy relationships (which should include ample affection, positive discipline, the enforcement of a flexible routine and the modelling of health habits) as well as safe surroundings are absolutely invaluable to mental and physical health. Toxins in the environment (e.g. cigarette smoke, pollution, abuse or parental discord) will poison little bodies and minds and will play out in a child’s level of contentment. Protect them from these health hazards as best as you can – even if you are one of them! Bottom line: if you compromise on health, you compromise on happiness. Our inner child is programmed to equate chocolate milkshakes and endless episodes of our favourite cartoon with joy. But let the informed adult in you rather make the choices that will affect your child’s continuous contentment. About the Author Petro Wagner is a pregnant, work-from-home mommy of a two-year-old princess and a limited-edition dog. She has a Master’s degree and further training in Play Therapy, backed by an impressive knowledge of all the Heidiepisodes; knowing the lyrics to endless nursery songs; and having personally met Sleeping Beauty in her real castle in Germany.

June 9, 2016

The Five Crucial Commitments of Great Fathers

Becoming a dad is one of the easiest things in the world to do. The part we play as men in the creation of a new life is a lot of fun and can be over quicker than Brittany Spears singing “oops I did it again”. But that’s where the easy part ends and the profound and beautiful challenge of being a father begins. Becoming a dad asks very little of you and pretty much any healthy adult male can get it right. Being a dad asks the very best of you and takes a man of character, love and perseverance to get it right. How a man lives his life and fathers his children will profoundly impact them for the rest of their lives. He is his son’s first hero and his daughter’s first romance. He is the most important man in his children’s lives. Yet most men enter fatherhood unprepared for the challenge of being the most influential man in a growing young life. Being a great father doesn’t happen by default. It happens when a man consciously and intentionally works at being the man and father his children need. And when he does the rewards are immense for both father and child. Here are five crucial commitments that will make any man an extraordinary dad: Look in the mirror. The quality of what we as men are able to impart to our children is determined by the quality of our own inner lives. None of us arrived at adulthood unscathed by our childhood. We are all driven in some measure by the emotional forces that grew out of our childhood experiences, good or bad, and the beliefs we formed in response to those experiences. The more conscious we are of these forces and beliefs, the more we are able to deal with them. The less conscious we are the more likely we are to be driven by negative emotions and beliefs and pass them on to our children. Pain from our past that is unresolved is pain we are condemned to repeat, often at the expense of our children. Great dads are committed to being conscious, to breaking any destructive emotional cycles and dealing with their own issues so they can impart the right stuff to their children. Great dads are committed to being the man they want their sons to become and daughters to marry. Call out your child’s identity. To be truly seen is one of the great cries of every heart. Great dads make it their goal to be the first man who truly sees their son or daughter, to know what makes their hearts come alive. Every child is unique and their life script is written into their hearts. The father who helps his child discover and know who they are and gives them permission to be fully who they are gives them a great gift. His message is; I see you, I know you, come out and be the man or woman you were made to be. And he can only do this by investing a lot of time engaging with his children, deeply and without distractions. Validate your child. So many people enter adulthood with a sense of inadequacy. Men doubt they have what it takes to be a man, women wonder if they have anything worthwhile to offer the world. Great fathers validate their children from a very young age. Their children know they are worthy, that their life counts. They know they have what it takes, that they have something great to offer the world. This comes from affirming not just what their children do but who they are. The message is; you matter, you are wanted, you are deeply loved, I delight in you. And the message is conveyed in a thousand different ways. It is in a dad’s words of affirmation, his gentle touch, his look, his smile, his time. This blessing from a father will remain as a cloak of affirmation wrapped around a man or woman’s heart long after their father has passed on. Create a sanctuary. The fourth commitment of great dads is to create a sanctuary in which their children can grow and thrive; physically, emotionally and spiritually. Renowned educator Reed Markham summed it up when he said, “every man is the architect of his own home”. Sigmund Freud said, “I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection”. The children of great dads feel safe. They know masculinity as a place of refuge, safety and consistency. They see their fathers as strong, gentle and present. Providing the right physical and emotional environment requires a man to nurture, protect and provide. Even when not living in the same house as their children through separation or divorce great fathers continue providing to the best of their ability, continue to protect and never stop being present. Equip your children for life. This starts with imparting the life skills and emotional intelligence they will need to succeed. George Herbert claimed, “one father is more than a hundred schoolmasters”. Great dads do not leave the education of their children in the ways of the world to the media and their peers, they become the principal in their children’s school of life. Equipping your children for life means disciplining them. The philosopher Goethe said “too many parents make life hard for their children by trying, too zealously, to make it easy for them”. Great dads set clear, fair and consistent boundaries for their children. They teach their children discipline and respect. They know that being a friend to their children comes a distant second to being a father and so they are concerned less with being popular with their children than doing what’s right for them. The final act of equipping children for life is to model the way. Great dads make their lives an attractive example of all they want their children to learn. They know

June 8, 2016

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