Advice from the experts
Parenting Hub

Living with Costello Syndrome

When Aidan was diagnosed with Costello Syndrome, something instinctively within me knew… this was building my calling for a higher purpose. I’ve always wanted to affect people’s lives in the largest possible way, and I certainly have been through those dark and heavy “dramas” of life that would qualify me to help people through, and into the other side where the sun shines again. And it does shine again… I promise you. Grief is a messy thing to experience. I’ve experienced it a few times. I’ve been divorced, I’ve walked away from relationships that I thought I would never recover from. I’ve experienced death. I’ve experienced abandonment. I’ve experienced toxicity in relationship to a partner that SHOULD have killed me. And then… I experienced the devastating diagnosis of my son… and my whole life collapsed around me. The idea of what could be… fell to pieces, and I had to salvage my sense of survival during the darkest time of my life. Somehow, when these devastating times hit you… your previous confidences of what you can accomplish, become a distant memory, and you literally have to cocoon yourself from the world and heal, before you can effectively regain your composure, and then, look after those around you that have been entrusted into your care. I learnt a valuable lesson in taking care of myself as a mother first. I’m mom to a special needs child … which is phenomenal. But I had to learn that it was ok to have special needs of my own met FIRST, so that I could be the best Mom for Aidan. The areas I’ve struggled with since his diagnosis have been my stress levels causing devastation with my health, … mainly stemming from adrenal fatigue, which in turn has sent my weight (*a very personal subject for anyone battling the bulge*) skyrocketing, and my energy plummeting. Eating “clean” and exercising sent my weight (and health) in the opposite direction to what I was aiming for. 5 minutes of exercise would flatten me for 3 days…. and gaining weight while I was eating a clean healthy diet just killed me. It shouldn’t have been surprising though. We as humans can only deal with so much at any given time. It’s our scale of entropy. Nevermind the physical reasons for not losing weight, but the psychological issues you are so often not even aware of that also sabotage your efforts… can be VERY muddling. Metaphysically we keep weight on to keep others out and form a layer of protection against intrusion… and I can definitely say that played the biggest role. But it took so much self learning and understanding and learning to SELF LOVE before I could process all my “baggage” and start recovery again. I’d been so good at running a business before I became a mom, and keeping fit, and working till all hours… and just being so full of energy. This NEW me, the one that battled to stay awake after 7pm, the one that battled to make ends meet, the one that didn’t look as fabulous in the mirror anymore with all this extra weight…. this was a real challenge for me to be gentle on myself and then still LOVE???!!! The last 2 years I started with various forms of coaching, counselling, self evaluation, and consciously deciding to go THROUGH the grief. To fully experience it. It’s been the hardest journey of my life. I realised that I was in denial of Aidan’s diagnosis for a long time. It served me, because at the time I actually couldn’t cope with it, with everything else that was going on. At the same time, I was dealing with the Anger phase. Because I was still in denial… my anger was deferred, and I lashed out at anything and everyone who was in close proximity to me. I was ANGRY at the idiot drivers on the road, I was ANGRY at the stupid teller who didn’t process my purchase quickly without botching up her simple task, I was ANGRY at the traffic lights that were out and the electricity that was out all making me late for my appointments… I was just ANGRY full stop!Bargaining and depression are also phases of grief, and I certainly had my share and I chose to go through it without antidepressants, because something within me knew I was ready to do so. (It’s that scale of entropy thing again). I was tempted for sure. Nothing quite compares to the deep dark hell of depression… and the thought of staying there is absolutely unbearable. But I needed to FEEL those depths, and I needed to learn for myself what it was deep down in my psyche that kept me stuck, and kept those blocks up in my life, preventing me from experiencing my fulfilled purpose. I have to tell you… you will go through grief in your life, and some of you… many times. It’s the path of life. And you can choose to grow from it, or you can decide it’s enough. And that choice sits entirely on you. Nobody gets to decide what you can and can’t handle. Or even HOW you handle it. Only you. For me? Right now, I’ve chosen to live again. As a special needs mom, I know I will go through many cycles of grief as I have in the last 7 years with Aidan. His health issues are not predictable and the thought of possibly losing him on the operating table, or to cancer, or finding something ominous on his MRI scan… to anything else related to his health is VERY real. The possibility of him losing his ability to walk during his last operation were so real, the stress is still working it’s way out of my system. Just this last Friday I forgot about us being invited for dinner. I forgot to attend a function I was given tickets to last month. I forgot to give my plants water (ok that’s normal for me)… but I am now fully

Dr Gerald B Kaplan

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

I was asked recently to present a talk to nursery school parents about how to look after their children’s teeth. You may wonder why a specialist prosthodontist who is trained to treat advanced restorative problems in patients that have very broken down mouths was so excited to talk to a group of young parents? The reason is very simple. Teeth are designed to last a lifetime. The care of teeth begins from early childhood and parent awareness is the key factor in helping young children develop the appreciation and skill of looking after their teeth. I may be doing myself out of future business but there are enough problems that abound in adults and even teenagers as a result of both ignorance and inadequate dentistry. In a presentation, diagrams charts and cartoons are entertaining but real-life pictures make the point. And so, I set out to find a suitable example I wanted a photograph of a young child to include in my presentation. In searching for such a picture I walked past a young lady of five years old sitting with her mother on the pavement of a restaurant and I thought that she would be the appropriate candidate. As she smiled I noticed that she was missing a back baby tooth. That really upset me greatly. Why should such a young person lose a baby tooth ? The loss of such a tooth has major consequences in terms of long-term dental health. It changes the bite and sets the patient up for future orthodontic treatment during her early to late teens. I suggested to the mother that she bring the young child in for a quick look see. She agreed and the clinical examination revealed the presence of seven teeth in need of restorative dentistry. That begs the question – Why was the decay not diagnosed earlier and why did she have to lose a tooth unnecessarily. Dental decay in a baby tooth should be treated promptly. It spreads fast because the tooth enamel is thin. Now the young lady needed a general anaesthetic to do the fillings and also have of a space maintainer placed to prevent further loss of space while the jaw continues to grow. The permanent tooth will erupt at the appropriate age and they need space to fit into a healthy dental arch. If that shock was not enough, I then had the pleasure of meeting her eight-year-old brother. I was aghast. This young man already has a mixed dentition, that is, both baby teeth and primary teeth present in the mouth which are in the process of growth and development. Not only not only were his teeth laden with plaque and widespread decay on the baby teeth. This was revealed with disclosing solution . Plaque is invisible and effective toothbrushing needs to be checked. ( Has your dentist made you aware of disclosing?)  A permanent molar tooth was ravaged with decay as well. The first permanent molar tooth erupts into the mouth at the age of between six and seven years of age and they should last a lifetime if properly cared for. These teeth are the most vulnerable teeth in the mouth for a young person and the teeth most frequently lost as the years go by. The problem is preventable with effective dental care both by the dentist and by responsible parents. Now both of these gorgeous children have compromised mouths. They are fearful of sitting in the dental chair. They can only be treated under general anaesthetic with all the risk and anxiety that it entails. And what about the expense that could have been avoided with effective toothbrushing; regular fluoride treatment; and a proper diet. The young boy’s mouth will now be the bain of his life. A downward cascade . Whose fault? – The parent or the dentist or both. I wonder. Poor child. No dentistry is the best dentistry! Dental problems are preventable with the knowledge of how to look after teeth and exercise effective plaque control. This skill needs to be taught and constantly supervised. Regular dental visits are essential. There is a prevalent misconception that because one belongs to medical aid, all the costs of dental treatment are covered. This is not true! The fees set by medical aids and the limits imposed are so restrictive. They are unrealistic. Like all things in life, price is what you pay-value is what you get. (Kurt Vonnenberg). Everything is on the Internet today. Yellow page directories and telephone books continue to shrink. Want to search for anything? Just Google it. And so it is with dentistry… Type in keywords like: / implant dentistry/, cosmetic dentistry/, prosthodontist/ and see what comes up . Perhaps that is how you found my website which I trust has been informative. I also did some Googling and typed in the following: “ You get what you pay for”. Believe it or not, Google even had answers for that. Amongst the articles that came up is one that caught my eye was one written by Bob Borson quoting from the 19th century English poet, fervent art critic and socialist, John Ruskin. “There is hardly anything in the world that someone cannot make a little worse or sell a little cheaper, and the people who consider price alone are that person’s lawful prey. It’s unwise to pay too much, but it’s worse to pay too little. When you pay too much, you lose a little money – that is all. When you pay too little you sometimes lose everything because the things you bought were incapable of doing the thing it was bought to do .The common law of business prohibits paying a little and getting a lot – it can’t be done.” And so it is with good dentistry. Good dentistry may be costly in the beginning but its benefits last and last. Give us a call on 011 483 2281 . We would love to meet you and offer you real

Parenting Hub

Not just for leaders but for parents too!

I am a member of a number of online parenting groups which discuss thoughts and concerns around parenting. One of the recent key topics is “How to help kids be successful in school.”(Most of these groups are based in the Northern Hemisphere and they are about to start their new academic year in September.) What is interesting to me is that some parents think this task of being successful at school only begins now as their child is packing their bag for “big school”! In reality, preparation begins the day your baby is born! All teachers will say that children going to school need to eat well, sleep well, lots of gross motor play to be able to concentrate in class, but you cannot make that happen over night. So the preparation starts many years before. A child needs to learn and understand the purpose of a routine and how to care for equipment and toys. He also needs to learn how to listen to an instruction and follow through with it; to participate in a group and take turns, to be kind to peers and so on. All of these key lessons of life will be learned in pre-school, but the roots of their learning happens in the home. Children learn by example  If you want your children to eat healthy food, they need to share meals with you, their parents, eating healthy food! If you want them to have manners, you need to be speaking to them and your husband or wife politely, respectfully ….. all the time. Daily routines teach daily habits, which in turn creates a sense of safety and peace of mind, a calmer child. If parents keep this in mind, and put into practice what they say e.g. “at six o’clock its tidy up time” and at six o’clock this is actioned children learn about time, they learn to trust what Mom and Dad say. If Mom and Dad also tidy up their things at the end of each day or activitiy they are modeling what they expect their children to do! Routines of preparing for the next day, for example, if your child’s bag is packed for pre-school the night before and waiting by the door for her to pick up and take out to the car in the morning, it is one less thing to worry about in the morning.  This can signal the beginning of the bedtime routine each late afternoon: 1) Bag at the door 2) Clothes laid out on the chair for the morning 3) Eat supper together 4) Bath time 5) Story time with Mom or Dad 6) Bedtime prayers and cuddles 7 ) Lights out. If you are a working parent and the bedtime routine is begun by your care-giver, when it is the same routine each night, it is still familiar and therefore your child is more relaxed because they know what is coming next. When you get home slip into the groove of what is already happening so that you keep them moving along in the routine, towards settling into bed peaceful nights sleep.

Parenting Hub

A Burning Issue

The middle of winter might simply mean cold and discomfort for some but for others just keeping warm and having a hotplate of food can be life threatening. Burns and ingestions are the leading cause of accidental-injury deaths amongst infants and children under the age of five in Africa.  Known as ‘energy related incidents’, statistics include paraffin, gas, candles, electricity, matches and wood fires.  Apart–from deaths, millions of children require hospital care every year for non-fatal injuries and many are left with lifelong disabilities. It is a problem that the whole country shares as the cost is about R104 billion a year, says Sustainable Energy Africa. Emeritus Professor Heinz Rode, Burns Unit, Red Cross War Memorial Children’s Hospital says, The greater majority of severe burns occur amongst the lower socio-economic population groups in the developing world. The high incidence is driven by haphazard urban development with little space between dwellings, overcrowding, lack of education, and inadequate electrification of homes resulting in the use of paraffin as a primary energy source, open fires for cooking and heating, and candles for lighting. In addition there is a failure of prevention and educational programs as well as a lack of knowledge of first aid procedures in the event of a burn. Burns are among the most devastating of all injuries, ranging from physical impairments and disfigurement, to emotional and mental anguish.  Rode says burns have a devastating effect both physically and emotionally. Burns—destroy the soul’s clothing and leave the frail self in naked agony. The surgeon may be the component to graft skin, but skill alone will not avail to re-cloth the soul. Burns victims are heavily stigmatized in a society where appearance is so important and it is this rejection and stigmatisation that is so traumatic and damaging to the child’s emergent sense of ‘self and self-worth’ in the struggle to adapt to a permanently  changed physical appearance. Rejection by peers, being teased at school and the inability of teachers, parents and the community to emotional support the burned child can lead to life long suffering. Africa carries an extraordinary burden of fire related injuries with the Medical Research Council showing that in 2012 burns were among the top 10 external causes of accidental-injury deaths in South Africa. According to the World Health Organisation (WHO), globally burns are the 11th leading cause of child fatalities (between the ages of one and nine) and are the 5th most common cause of non-fatal childhood injuries.  Yet, the fact is that injury due to burns is largely preventable. Did you know? Burns are the number one cause of fatal injuries in children under the age of one in South Africa The vast majority of burn injuries happen at home It is estimated that over a million patients suffer burn injuries annually on the African continent The majority of energy related incidents are fires – the majority of which are multiple fires 46% of households lose their homes and/or belongings in fires 24% of households experience an energy related incident or injury 95%  of burn injuries are caused by hot liquid regardless of the energy carrier It costs between R30 000 and R100 000 to treat one burn victim ‘With the onset of winter it is inevitable that we will hear and read about shack fires in informal settlements bringing with it death, injury, devastation and destruction,’ says Dr Bobby Ramasia, Principal Officer of Bonitas Medical Fund.  ‘Data from the Fire Protection Association of Southern Africa (FPASA) shows that fire incidents are steadily increasing year on year with close to 16,000 fires in informal and formal settlements reported between 2010 and 2013.  It is estimated that 3.2% (1,600,000) of the country’s population will suffer burn injuries annually, the vast majority being from poorer communities. ‘How do we change these statistics?  We need to educate our families, children and communities about how to prevent fires and if or when they do happen, how to keep safe and out of harm’s way as well as the best way to treat burns.’ Professor Rode recommends safety equipment like a fire extinguisher, smoke detectors or a bucket of sand should be available and accessible at the work place, school or at home as many injuries occur in places familiar to the child. Children need to be taught to ‘stop, drop and roll’ on the floor’ if clothing catches a-light and to crawl on the floor to escape thick smoke. All inflammable liquid fires should be doused with sand or an extinguisher or smother the flame with a pot lid or cloth soaked in water if a pot of oil catches alight. Children need to be taught to respect electricity. Electrical systems should not be overloaded with multiple adapter plugs. Electrical cords should not run under carpets and those that are frayed or worn should be replaced. Children should be warned to keep away from electricity sub-stations. Electrical burns Professor Rode says electrical burns are extremely dangerous. Not only can they cause external burns but the electric current can harm internal organs and tissues.  If burns aren’t visible on the skin it doesn’t mean there is no internal damage. The human body can conduct electricity so any minor contact with an electrical source can cause harm. Grasping live wires, falling into water that is electrified and touching electrical outlets are the most common causes of electrical burns. Treating electrical burns These can be tricky to treat especially if the patient is still in contact with the electrical current , it needs to be switched off or removed as soon as possible. Use an object that is made of wood, rubber or plastic as these materials do not conduct electricity. The patient should be laid down to prevent injury, shock or seizures. Treat external burns in the same way as other burns. Let’s get educated about fire prevention  Do Buy a small fire extinguisher from a reputable dealer to keep handy and learn the correct way to use it Familiarise yourself with emergency

Edublox - Reading & Learning Clinic

Help your child become an ‘Academic Olympian’

As the 2016 Olympic Games came to an end, we can reflect on the achievements, camaraderie and celebration of sport on the global stage. In addition to the great successes, Edublox reading, maths and learning clinic, highlights important lessons that can be learned from the Olympic athletes, which is applicable to a child’s academic and sporting performance.  The Olympic Games is a prestigious sporting event and the highlight of any Olympian’s career. No athlete wins a medal or even qualifies to participate at the world’s largest sporting event without committing the majority of their time to perfecting their craft. It takes years of preparation to build a strong physical foundation and develop the necessary skills to compete on the highest level. “The same goes for a child’s academic performance,” says Susan du Plessis, director of educational programmes at Edublox. “Children have to be able to read and concentrate in order to grow and develop academically. For children to learn how to read or improve their reading, they have to understand the language, as well as master the foundational skills of perception, memory and logical thinking. Children have to work hard and train their learning abilities with as much vigour and determination as athletes in order to become ‘Olympic students’,” says Du Plessis. Another characteristic of an ‘Academic Olympian’ is the ability to concentrate. Concentration is a skill that can be taught, just like riding a bike. “Concentration and memory go hand in hand and play a major role in a child’s all-round development. These two aspects not only affect a child’s academic accomplishments, but also influence the performance of young and upcoming sportsmen and women on the sport field,” explains Du Plessis. After his enrolment at Edublox, Stelios Charalambous, a Grade 3 learner experiencing learning challenges, surprised everyone with a dramatic improvement in all of his subjects on his second report card of the year. “When we received Stelios’ report card, we were ecstatic! His marks had jumped by 20% in all of his subjects,” says Christa Charalambous, Stelios’s mother. “Another big change we’ve noticed is that he is more confident and had improved significantly on both the rugby field and the tennis court,” she adds. Du Plessis shares a few easy tips for parents looking to help their children become ‘Academic Olympians’ from a young age: Improve reading Your child’s fluency in language is a key determinant of his reading ability. Talk to your child and explain to them what you are busy doing while shopping, cooking and working in and around the house or even while taking a walk. This will help enhance your child’s vocabulary. Read to your child as often as possible. Language develops through repetition. You can read the same book over and over again before moving to another book. Teach your children nursery rhymes to stimulate their brain and improve memory. Improve concentration Let your child build age-appropriate puzzles from a young age. Progressively read longer and more in-depth stories to your children. Let your child play outside. This often improves the child’s ability to concentrate more than when playing indoors. “Mastering the fundamental skills of reading and concentration is important for every child’s academic growth and development,” says Du Plessis. “Regardless of whether they find it difficult to read and concentrate or not, it is essential that all children work hard, similar to Olympic athletes, so that they can transform into great Academic Olympians,” she concludes.

Parenting Hub

Detecting Eye Problems in Young Children

There are an estimated 1.4 million children around the world who are blind – and one in five of them live in sub-Saharan Africa. Many of these children would be able to see, only if they had received the right care at the right time. It is the fact that in so many cases blindness can be prevented that inspires the work of international sight-saving organisation ORBIS. A major cause of blindness is that eye problems are not picked up before age six, simply because people don’t know the warning signs. ORBIS has put together a checklist for parents and caregivers to detect eye problems. This is a crucial time so that the pathways between the brain and eye can develop properly. Compiled in consultation with Dr Dharmesh Parbhoo (consultant ophthalmologist at the ORBIS Paediatric Eye Care Centre, Inkosi Albert Luthuli Central Hospital), ophthalmologist Dr Robert Lindfield (ORBIS Medical Advisor) and optometrist Reshma Dabideen (ORBIS Africa, Senior Programme Advisor). THE CHILD’S EYE Look regularly and carefully at the eye for any of these warning signs: A white pupil or white spot on the pupil Not being able to fix eyes and follow a moving object such as a finger or toy One or both eyes being bigger or smaller than usual Crossed eyes or one eye looking in another direction Redness of the eye and around the eye and / or crustiness Swelling or inflammation Excessive watering Protruding or sticking out THE CHILD’S BEHAVIOUR Does the child? Smile and focus on your face by the time they are 3 months old? Cover or close one eye when trying to focus on something Hold objects close or get very close to the TV, computer or blackboard Have trouble reading or doing close-up work Tilt or angle the head when trying to focus Complain things are blurred or difficult to see Squint or frown when concentrating and / or looking at things in the distance See double Have jerky eye movements Rub their eyes a lots or complain of sore, itchy or scratchy eyes If you notice any of the above or have any reason at all to be concerned about the child’s sight seek professional advice. What can parents and caregivers do to protect eye health? Check that the ‘Eye’ section of the child’s Road to Health Clinic Card is completed Speak to a health care professional (i.e. community healthcare worker, optometrist or family doctor) immediately if you suspect a problem If your child requires spectacles ensure that they wear them; a child is never too young to wear glasses Keep your child’s face and hands clean to minimise risk of eye infections Make sure that your newborn’s eyes are delicately wiped (with separate, clean cotton wool and cooled boiled water) immediately after birth – to prevent conjunctivitis and other more serious infections Know that even if a child is born blind it may be possible to restore sight – in about 40% of cases vision problems are treated successfully. Early intervention is vital so do not delay in taking the child to a health care professional.

Bethwel Opil

Cyberbullying causes Depression, Nightmares and Anorexia

According to the study Growing Up Online – Connected Kids, conducted by Kaspersky Lab and iconKids & Youth, cyberbullying is a far more dangerous threat to children than many parents think. The consequences for the majority of young victims of online harassment include serious problems with health and socialisation.   Cyberbullying is intentional intimidation, persecution or abuse that children and teenagers may encounter on the internet. Interestingly, children aged 8-16 are more wary of this threat than their parents are. According to the study, 13% of children and 21% of parents consider it harmless. At the same time, 16% of the children surveyed are more afraid of being bullied online than offline, while half (50%) are equally afraid of both real-life and virtual bullying.   Parents should not downplay the dangers of cyberbullying. Despite the fact that the study found only 4% of children admitted to being bullied online (compared to 12% in real life), in 7 out of 10 cases the consequences were traumatic.   Bullying on the Internet seriously affected their emotional well-being: parents of 37% of the victims reported lower self-esteem, 30% saw a deterioration in their performance at school, and 28% cited depression. In addition, 25% of parents stated that cyberbullying had disrupted their child’s sleep patterns and caused nightmares (21%). Another 26% of parents noticed that their child had started avoiding contact with other children, and 20% discovered their child had anorexia.   Just as worrying are the statistics showing that 20% of children witnessed others being bullied online, and in 7% of cases even participated in it. The survey shows that children often hide incidents of cyberbullying from their parents, making the task of protecting them even more complicated, though, fortunately, not impossible.   Andrei Mochola, Head of Consumer Business at Kaspersky Lab, comments: “In an effort to protect our children from danger, we mustn’t forget that they not only live in the real world but also in the virtual world, which is just as real to them. On the Internet, children socialise, learn new things, have fun and, unfortunately, encounter unpleasant situations. Cyberbullying is one of the most dangerous things that can confront a child on the Internet, because it can have a negative impact on their psyche and cause problems for the rest of their lives. The best solution in this case is to talk to your child and to use parental control software that can alert you to any suspicious changes to their social network page.”   For more advice on protecting children on the Internet, visit kids.kaspersky.com.   Information about a technical solution to these problems can be found at Kaspersky Safe Kids.

Mia Von Scha

The Benefits Of Rolling Blackouts

With the cold kicking in, the power is once again going out. These power outages can really get one down. I know. I’ve done my fair share of complaining. And we may feel justified in our complaints: we can’t warm our babies’ bottles, we can’t pop onto the Internet to help a kid with a project, we can’t finish the dinner or get the washing done. Not to mention the financial implications of hours where you or your staff are not being productive. We have a right to have a bit of a moan. But thinking negatively can really drain your energy! I felt I needed a bit of a pick me up on this particular subject so a friend and I made a list of 100 benefits to the rolling blackouts. We thought we’d share it with you in the hopes that it will light up your day as much as it did ours. Spend less time on devices (We don’t need to plan a “no technology day” anymore) Spend more time connecting with family and friends Less noise pollution Less light pollution It’s atmospheric (there’s nothing like candlelight to make a scene beautiful) Play games instead of watching TV (get back to our own childhoods of snakes and ladders, Monopoly, charades etc.) Have more conversation Go to sleep earlier (a healthier option for most of us) Wake up earlier and get more out of the day Take a break from working Brings people together It gives us something to talk about Compels us to move towards alternative power sources There is a lot of research being done into sustainable power We use less electricity – reserving Earth’s resources When we have power we get more work done We learn to plan ahead and have contingency plans Tell stories – giving our kids the cultural background of the stories we grew up with Tell our kids our life stories and family history It’s like camping! Teaches us to toughen up a bit Pulls us back to the simplicity of life Get back to the “olden days” More family time More opportunity to talk to and connect with your partner Read books and give our kids a love of reading Make shadow puppets Do crosswords and Sudoku and exercise our brains a bit Getting back to the REAL stuff of life Put the focus back on what is important Teaches us to be creative Teaches us to be resourceful Stop wasting time on social media Work on areas of your life you don’t take time for due to work and distractions Time to sort your cupboards etc. Gratitude for having electricity in the first place (and running water) Appreciate hot water Appreciate having a dishwasher, phone, TV, computer, etc. Back to reality – all human beings are equal Breaks down class differences Listening to good audiobooks / music in traffic Time to chat in the car Learn patience Learn something in the car – take an audio course Listen to an entire book while sitting in traffic (catch up on reading time) Improve your career / finances / etc. in the traffic (via audio programs) Learn a new language in the car Learn to accept the present moment as it is ‘cos there’s nothing you can do about it! Be prepared – have your coffee, audiobooks etc. ready to settle in Learn to prepare your mind for delays Get over the “in a hurry” mindset Slow down Learn to leave early and take it easy Teaches kids to be ok with the dark Learn to budget (making less money due to blackouts) Simplify financially Making a plan BEFORE the coal all runs out Creating new industries Cash to be made in generators, solar power etc. Learn to handle financial ups and downs Switching to energy efficient bulbs etc. Makes us very conscious of energy consumption Less wasteful of electricity – only using washing machines, dishwashers etc. when full Fulfils our human psychological needs: Provides us with certainty (we KNOW the lights will be out at some point!) Provides us with variety (more creative in how we spend our time) Provides us with significance (looking after our kids in the dark) Provides us with love and connection (spending more quality time together) Growth (reading, learning, talking to each other) Contribution (becoming more aware of what people with no electricity permanently have to go through); teaching us empathy. Gives us more of a Spiritual connection – time to pray, meditate, connect with source Mentally – it removes the problem of too many options that deaden the mind – like too many TV channels making us spoiled for choice Financially it makes us more creative and focused on budgeting, saving and investing Shops closed means we spend less Less time spent on shopping Helps us to be more family oriented Socially we may go out more and so connect with people we love more, or, we may go out less, therefore saving on petrol, take-out bills, etc. Physically, we are given a break from the constant electromagnetic field around us In our careers – it gives us the opportunity to step back from the chaos and rethink strategy and the bigger picture We can see the stars more clearly at night We can get creative with glow-in-the-dark paints and toys We can have fun decorating with solar lanterns We can play with sparklers We have the opportunity to become more inward focused There are less distractions We can connect with ourselves and our feelings We have the opportunity to face our fears Play music, sing Connect with your neighbours – sharing information and checking up on each other Eating take-out – having a break from cooking Eating more raw foods and all the health benefits of that Not bathing / showering / washing dishes – save on water More emphasis on breast feeding (can’t warm up bottles) – healthier for our babies Kids learn to sleep without their night lights – better

Aupair Exclusive

Husbands Who Work Away

Henriette’s husband has been working away from home for 1 year and 4 months now. Constance’s husband has also been working away for two years now. Both husbands work in Zambia. The two moms say the impact is huge and you should get ready to do some crying . Being both the mom and dad is difficult and emotionally isolating work. Henriette’s husband who is shaft design specialist, works away for 10 weeks at a time and then comes home for 2 weeks. Constance’s husband who is a training manager in heavy lifting equipment works away for 8 weeks at a time and comes home for 2 weeks. The compromises and adjustments made by moms who spouse travel and work a lot take their toll. Constance says that she has had pains in parts of her body she didn’t know where possible to get. She does at times feel the strain and a phone call to her husband can cheer her up as he reminds her why they have made this choice. Constance says that it is her love for her husband and 2 year old twins, 7 year old son and 9 year old daughter that keep her emotionally strong. Henriette who is mom to a 6 year old son and 3 year old twin boys has commented how it can be very hard some days, you need to be mommy and daddy 24/7. She found it became a bit easier to cope when she started working again. it took her mind off the loneliness. Me- time is important for any mom of multiples and more so when you find yourself being two parents. When asked why the families made this choice it was very clear it comes down to the economic climate in South Africa. The mine that Henriette’s husband worked for closed down in 2013 and because of her husbands age and BEE he could not find another position in any other mines. A support system is very important. Henriette moved from Hartbeespoort to Mosselbay at the end of last year. It was becoming unsafe for them in Harties. Now they do not have any family around but have found a lady who has turned out to be a real gem, she looks after the children after school should Henriette need to work late Constance has the support of good friends and a wonderful domestic worker that loves the children. The question for everyone is have the children managed to form a strong bond with their dad as he is not always at home. Constance always jokes and says that when he comes home she is forgotten about. Their dad changes nappies, feeds and does everything else relating to the children. He has made every effort to connect with them Henriette’s children ask how many more sleeps until dad comes home. The children miss their dad and realise that he is as much part of their lives as their mom. The advantage of having to make the sacrifice of being apart is that both families are able to provide for their children and educate them the way they want to. The disadvantage is that the children really miss their dad and dad can miss out on the developments and activities that take place each day with the children. This way of living is not for the feint hearted, if you are willing to make sacrifices then Constance would recommend it for any family. Her husband was without work for 4 months and she saw him break down and pray and beg for work so that he could provide for his family. She would do it again in a heartbeat. Henriette says that it is not the best option for family life but it is do able. It is hard on family life and you can feel like a single mom. She has realised that she can cope without her husband,but she doesn’t want to. We as mothers of multiples sometimes underestimate what we can do. We are super mommies, we can do anything that we put our minds to.

Munchkins

Father Figures: the profound influence on a child’s development

There is an old saying that “one father is worth more than a hundred school masters” which in a few words encapsulates the value of a male figure in the upbringing of children. Loving fathers who are fully involved in their children’s upbringing and show affection and support from day one, are intrinsically valuable to not only their marriage relationship and their family – but also to their children’s future. Dads are the heroes Fathers who engage with their children become their children’s heroes. They are central to every life experience those children will have, and will deeply affect how they will react, behave, learn, develop a sense of self, and interact with others. A father is paramount to a child’s sense of security and stability Through play, fathers can teach their children strategies for life, including self-control, care and consideration, kindness, fairness, morals, fun, humour and taking risks. These principles are all subtly imparted during roughhousing sessions when a dad pretends to wrestle his kids. Kids love it! Dad is the greatest! But more than this, they are learning how to develop attitudes towards winning, losing, discovering strengths and dealing with weakness. They are learning aspects of the psychology of coping. The dad effect  The view children hold of their father can affect their relationships with other persons throughout their lives, including friends, authority figures and spouses. Your children are vulnerable to those early interactions and will incorporate what they learn into their own pattern of engagement with others. The way you relate to your child will likely be the way they in turn, relate to others. Boys often view their fathers as role-models and will imitate accordingly. Daughters are observant of the way their fathers treat women. If a girl’s experience of her father was that of a loving and gentle man, she will be more likely to look for those characteristics in other men. Changing times Today more than 80% of women work. Parenting roles are evolving. There are a host of new structures coming to the fore: stay-at-home dads, single dads, widowed, divorced, gay, adoptive, a step-father, etc. But what is important in all these scenarios is that the father-figure remains vital to the children and that he is lovingly involved. When natural fathers are separated from their children through divorce, they can still remain bonded with their children by maintaining consistent, strong, loving engagement. Although there are many different home and family structures today than say 50 years ago, a great positive is that more men are valuing their role with their children than ever before. We see this in a number of changes over the last few years: often both parents will be out with their children, fathers happily wheeling the pram or carrying a toddler or generally chatting with their children fathers are showing themselves to be more active in their child’s schooling, turning up for parent/teacher meetings and helping with homework and projects parents are working more as an equal team and fathers tend to partner fully with their wives in any decisions concerning their children where both parents work, modern fathers are willing to share domestic responsibilities and keen to spend time having fun with their kids this team energy means both parents are equally responsible for discipline, helping to develop their children’s critical thinking and promoting good relationships within the family society’s expectations have changed – and today fathers who look after their children and spend time with them on their own are no longer afraid this may demean them as men We found this great story by Unicef about the gift of fatherhood – showcasing the profound effect an absent father can have on their children, who then in turn also become fathers – having to step into the role of fatherhood themselves. A great dad recipe   be present in your child’s life from day one – yes, get used to those nappies! be available to help out in physical, emotional, social and spiritual needs – listen to your children with real attention even if they want to play ‘Captain Pirate’ in the middle of your afternoon snooze! share time, activities and most importantly, conversation – do those puzzles with your kids and give your opinion on a new doll’s dress, because how you handle problems and what you say has an indelible effect . be the kind of constant support that your children will perceive as enduring, dependable, non-judgmental and trustworthy  – be someone your children can turn to and confide in without fear of retribution. read to your kids, get involved at their school, roughhouse with them often – the time you give to your children tells them that you care, that you love them, even if they manage to give you an occasional black eye!

Dr Gerald B Kaplan

The Big Ouch

A specialist prosthodontist is trained to treat adults who present with severe dental problems. Restoring a broken down mouth back to good health is a major challenge and oftentimes very costly in terms of time and effort and expense. Patients want to regain their lost dental health. They are looking for the ability to eat well; look good; and smile to the world. They don’t want to wear dentures at all costs. The question that needs to be asked is “Why did such a compromised situation result?” That is a very difficult question to answer and can be the result of many factors. Clearly there is one element in the equation that has a solution… Teeth are designed to last a lifetime and dental care should begin from early childhood. Let me tell you a story… I was asked to prepare a lecture for a group of nursery school parents to teach the importance of baby teeth and how to look after them. I wanted a photograph of a young child to include in my presentation. In searching for such a picture I walked past a young lady of five years old and thought that she would be the appropriate candidate. As she smiled I noticed that she was missing a back baby tooth. That really upset me greatly. Why should such a young person lose a baby tooth? The loss of such a tooth has major consequences in terms of long-term dental health. It changes the bite and sets the patient up for future (probably unnecessary) orthodontic treatment during her early to late teens. I suggested to the mother that she bring the young child in for a quick look see. She agreed and the clinical examination revealed the presence of seven teeth in need of restorative dentistry. That begs the question –  Why was the decay not diagnosed earlier and why did she have to lose a tooth unnecessarily. Dental decay in a baby tooth should be done promptly. It spreads fast because the tooth enamel is thin. Now the young lady needs a general anaesthetic and placement of a space maintainer to prevent the loss of space while the jaw continues to grow to allow. The permanent tooth will erupt at the appropriate age and it needs space to fit into a healthy dental arch. If that shock was not enough, I then had the pleasure of meeting her eight-year-old brother. I was aghast. This young man already has a mixed dentition, that is, both baby teeth and primary teeth are present in the mouth which is in the process of growth and development. Not only not only were his teeth laden with plaque and widespread decay on the baby teeth, but a permanent molar tooth was ravaged with decay. This was revealed with disclosing solution. Plaque is invisible and effective tooth brushing needs to be checked. The first permanent molar tooth erupts into the mouth at the age of between six and seven years of age and they should last a lifetime if properly cared for. These teeth are the most vulnerable teeth in the mouth for a young person and the teeth most frequently lost as the years go by. The problem is preventable with effective dental care both by the dentist and by the responsible parents. Now both of these gorgeous children have compromised mouths. They are fearful of sitting in the dental chair. They can only be treated under general anaesthetic with all the risk and anxiety that it entails. And what about the expense that could have been avoided with effective tooth brushing; regular fluoride treatment; and a proper diet. Let me end off by saying that restoring the mouth of an adult patients is challenging and oftentimes very difficult. Why let such a situation develop at all?. Teeth are not to be taken for granted. They are precious as pearls. How wonderful it is look forward to the enjoyment of sound dental health for one’s whole life.

South African Divorce Support Association

It Takes 2 to Tango

I’m sure you are all too familiar with the saying it takes 2 to tango. The tango is a dance which requires two partners moving in relation to each other. The partners sometimes move together and sometimes in opposition, but at any given time they are part of the movement. A tango with only one dancer is no longer a tango. So, while you are no longer in a romantic relationship with your ex, if you are in a conflict with them, you remain part of the “tango”. When parents separate, they inevitably remain in a parenting relationship. When this relationship is conflicted, it is worth while to consider what your role in the conflict is. Even if your ex is the unreasonable one, you become part of the conflict, if like the tango, you move with your partner, being together or in opposition. Conflicts often emerge more when people are stressed and circumstances change. Staying out of a conflict is much more intricate than ignoring the conflict. Ignoring the conflict could still be seen as taking part in it by being passive aggressive. Staying out of a conflict requires more understanding on your part about your behaviour rather then your opponent’s behaviour. So how do you go about understanding your role in your ongoing conflict when you are close to certain, that it’s your “partner” who is at fault. See how you answer the following questions: Do you recognise that you have to be right for the conflict to end? Are you highly emotional? Do you criticise your ex for what s/he does or how s/he does things? Do you blame your ex for your current situation? Do you complain a lot? Do you nag to get what you want? Do you attempt to punish by withholding things that your ex wants? Do you threaten with legal action? You hang on to telling the same negative story over again? Are you seeking people’s approval to your situation? Are you feeling guilty about what is happening? Are you mostly thinking negatively about your situation? Your self esteem is damaged Have you lost the ability to foresee a bright future and set new goals? Being in a conflict is never fun and leaves people feeling miserable and a victim of their circumstances. But being in a conflict motivates people to remain negative as conflicts are about being right and not what is right. When focusing on a solution and adopting a positive approach to the disagreement at hand, people are able to leave the conflict by not feeding it and while you may not be the one creating the conflict, it is important to acknowledge your role in it, in order be able to remove yourself from it. So take a step back, breathe deep, listen and use your conflict to increase understanding and creative thinking. The conflict is not the conflict. The conflict is how you deal with the conflict. Nadia Thonnard Founder SADSA | The South African Divorce Support Association

Parenting Hub

Those Darned Apron Strings

I was recently invited to join two fellow parents at my three sons’ private school for breakfast. The conversation was very interesting indeed.  The husband’s theory was that most wives’ mother-in-law problems can in fact be attributed to mothers who find it difficult to let go of their sons.   The wife was sceptical. A couple of weeks later I found myself on a foray into a strip mall after picking up my son from a party.  On the way back to the car, I picked up a whole box of juicy naartjies. I kept the box of fruit on my 9 year old’s lap, peeled the first one and asked him to pass me segments during the drive.  When we ran out, I asked him to peel another one.  It took him not less than ten minutes to peel a naartjie! Watching his knitted brows in the rear view mirror while he concentrated on the seemingly very tricky task at hand, it occurred to me that the naartjie is just the tip of the iceberg.  I wondered whether my good friend at breakfast had a point regarding mums not letting go. Although it is all too easy to revert to the “when I was your age….” mentality, nobody can deny that, to a certain extent, us modern parents have been scared (or should I say bullied by the media, schools, society?) into over-pampering and overprotecting our children perhaps even to the point where they are actually disadvantaged by our well-meaning mollycoddling.  All this happens even before any partners appear on the scene when we as mothers, are unceremoniously asked to ‘let go’. Are we doing our children a disservice? Although it could be argued that the seventies was a rather risqué period as far as parenting is concerned, when I think of what I could do even before I turned ten, I worry for my boys.  How will they learn to be street smart if they cannot even be trusted to cross a car park without thoughtlessly stumbling right behind a reversing 4×4? I remember playing hide and seek on the neighbourhood streets until late into the night on Summer evenings, I distinctly remember arriving home from school and making myself an omelette at lunchtime before the age of ten, I remember taking short bus journeys to after school classes, and at least once a week, my mother would press some money and thrust a blue net shopping basket into my hand and send me to the local grocer three blocks away armed with a short shopping list.   Every Saturday, being the only girl in the family, I was entrusted with helping with the weekly “Big House Clean”. Undeniably, some street corners or situations did make me feel uncomfortable – such as the mechanic’s garage one block up on the way to the grocer, where adolescent boys in training would whistle and shout harmless comments – an activity I found so discomfiting that I often either changed my route – or crossed to the other side of the street and sprinted past the cavernous mouth of the open garage.  Then, there were the occasional refuse collection men or the workers on renovation projects – often with nothing better to brighten their day until it was time for the next cup of tea than to taunt a pre-teen girl running errands. To be fair to my parents, they were working people in their mid- to late thirties trying to raise two children into good middle class citizens – as were most parents in Southern Europe at the time.  We had no domestic help whatsoever although there were plenty of uncles, aunts and cousins around. Generally, too, people did not move house for generations – meaning that our neighbours were well known to us and ours. So, since I know the value of being a capable and independent child, how is it that I am shocked out of my wits when I hear of an eleven year old being put in an Über as a way for the parents to cope with all the lifting?  Why do my hackles rise every time I catch a glimpse of the lady selling ice cream outside the gates of my sons’ school?  Why can’t I even fathom the thought of handing over a R50 note and allowing my eleven year old to pick up a bottle of milk from the grocery store while I am in the same strip mall making my way to the same shop a few minutes later?  Are my children right in being indignant at my lack of ability to loosen their leash a little?  Is the nanny state we have created in fact a hidden monster turning our children into a generation of dependents who cannot and will not cope independently?   How can we ‘safely’ and gradually let go?  How is it that increasingly, parents happily gift or donate mobile phones with internet capabilities to tweenies, help them set up their Facebook/Instagram pages, allow them almost totally unsupervised Youtube access but feel utterly powerless to do any of the traditional ‘letting go’ we’ve all been subjected to while growing up? As all these questions tumble through my mind, distorting my thoughts and presenting the danger of distracting me from the road, I realise with great sadness that there is in fact no straight-cut answer.  At the end of the day, how much you let go and when really depends on how mature your child is, where you live and how you live and how much family you have around you.  The rest is for them to figure out.  One thing’s for sure – this generation might just not be as quick to look at us, their parent generation, as “golden oldies” anytime soon.  We, together with the economy, are making sure they will continue to depend on us for a very long time yet.

The Heart & Stroke Foundation

Exercise During Pregnancy

Take care of yourself while you’re taking care of baby So you’re pregnant? Congratulations!Suddenly everything in your life centres around the new little person you’re expecting. There’s so much to do and plan as your countdown begins, but how many of us make time to look after ourselves? Sadly, not many do. Work, home life, busy schedules, and antenatal check-ups – they all take time, and often the exhausted expectant mom has no time or energy left to consider her own health and wellbeing. That’s why we’re here to help. Below are simple, practical exercise tips that can be incorporated into your already busy schedule — without a lot of fuss or expense. Remember, a healthier, happier you results in a healthier, happier baby. The Benefits of Physical Activity Physical exercise offers many health benefits during pregnancy, including: And if you’re worried about your figure, staying active might help you bounce back more easily after baby arrives. Safe Exercises by Trimester First Trimester (Months 1–3) Safe exercises include: 👉 Only exercise when you feel well enough. Morning sickness, fatigue, or tender breasts may affect your energy. Second Trimester (Months 4–6) Continue with: Avoid: Third Trimester (Months 7–9) Stick to light and gentle movement: Avoid throughout pregnancy: Our Top Tips for Exercising While Pregnant When to Stop Exercising and See a Doctor Stop exercising and contact your healthcare provider immediately if you experience: Taking care of your own wellbeing is just as important as preparing for your baby’s arrival. Exercise can be a wonderful way to feel good, boost your energy, and give your baby the healthiest possible start in life.

Bethwel Opil

New study reveals the Internet is a source of family conflict and disconnect

The way we live our digital lives at home is having a big impact on our family relationships, according to new research from Kaspersky Lab and iconKids & Youth. With people spending more time online, a fifth of parents and children say that the Internet and connected devices can be a cause of family tension. The research, which surveyed over 3,700 families in seven countries, provides an insight into how the digital world is disrupting traditional family dynamics. Whereas in the past parents were the first port of call for children seeking answers to questions or advice, one-in-four (23%) of the parents surveyed say that their kids now prefer to go online rather than talk to them. The research also found that almost half (42%) of parents are not friends with their children on social networks, and one-in-five (18%) says this is because their children would find it embarrassing. All in all, a fifth of parents (21%) and children (22%) say that the Internet can cause family tension. Most concerning of all, one-in-three parents (31%) believe the Internet isolates them from their children. The conflict may be exacerbated by the fact that the devices used to go online are often shared. Two-thirds of the families surveyed said they share a family computer. As a result, a third of parents (31%) complain that their child has broken something on a connected device or infected it with a virus while online (30%) and a quarter (24%) has had to pay for something their child had ordered or downloaded. Similarly, 13% of kids accuse parents of breaking a device and 16% complain that their parents had accidentally deleted some of their data. Andrei Mochola, Head of Consumer Business at Kaspersky Lab said: “It is only natural that using – and misusing – each other’s connected devices can become a cause of conflict for families. However, as we spend more and more time online, family dynamics are also changing. It is important that families maintain an ongoing dialogue about how to spot and respond to potential dangers, with parents and children together agreeing on the basic rules on how they can best navigate the digital world. It is also important to be serious about protection. We recommend installing an integrated home Internet security solution on all devices in the home. This should be enhanced with Parental Control software, which can block access to inappropriate sites or apps and prevent sensitive data from being shared or deleted.” Janice Richardson, Senior Advisor at European Schoolnet, adds: “Although Internet becomes a source of conflict in some families, a recent study[1] by the Joint Research Center of the European Commission interestingly underlines an emerging trend, with siblings and extended family members taking on a much bigger role in children’s online activities. Unsurprisingly, children are instinctively turning to the person they perceive to be able to fix technical issues, advise on sites and security tools and provide more objective responses to delicate queries. This underlines the importance of parents and guardians developing their own technical competence and building trusting relationships with their children whilst also establishing basic rules on Internet and device usage to avoid conflicts. At the same time, software and social media providers, too, should seek to develop more ‘family-friendly’ tools.” For more useful advice on protecting children on the Internet, visit kids.kaspersky.com. Information about a technical solution to these problems can be found at Kaspersky Safe Kids.

Mia Von Scha

Open letter to a depressed teenager

“Reaching the desired area, The blade hesitates, quivering, Then slicing slowly, meticulously Into the soft, awaiting flesh. The wound gapes, Smiling at how it has relaxed the skin.” This was the poem I wrote when I was your age, going through something like what you are going through now. I know it feels like nobody can understand. I know it feels like nobody has ever felt that much pain; nobody has ever felt so restricted and constricted and constrained; nobody can possibly know how dark the darkness gets. But I have been to the bottom of those unchartered depths; I have cried the disregarded tears that never seem to end; I have etched out the pain onto my wrists and thighs and screamed it into the darkness. I know how you feel. And I know that it ends. It isn’t a permanent ending like the one you are contemplating; I’ll admit that it is a temporary one. That darkness can creep back in at any time, but it can come as a dreaded enemy or as a familiar friend. It doesn’t have to consume you. I have found a way to walk through it now, and it feels more like a stroll through a misty forest than a desperate flee through a dark tunnel. You can learn to do this too. You can find that inner light that will guide you through the blackest night. It is there already, it’s just hidden. For you to be feeling this bad, you must have been misunderstood by the people around you. It isn’t that they don’t care, it’s that they’re not capable. They’re trying to see you through the filters of their own beliefs and mental structures that aren’t flexible enough to see you for who you are. They love you, they just don’t know you. That’s ok. It is enough to know yourself, to find yourself, to peel off those layers of expectation from everyone around you and allow that inner light to shine. I know you have it – of that I am absolutely certain. Every one of the seven billion people on this planet has a place in this world. Every single one has something to contribute. Including you. You may not even know what your own thing is yet, you may not know for some time to come, but it is there, waiting to be discovered. So when you’re sitting at the bottom of the bottomless pit, ask yourself one thing: “If I could make one contribution to this world before I go, what would that be?” We all have an innate desire to make a difference, to change things in some way, to impact the world with our existence. And a lot of the time this desire gets squashed by the well-meaning people around us trying to tell us what is important to do with our lives instead of allowing us to push our way up through the soil and blossom into whatever it is that WE were here to do; instead of allowing us to give off our own unique scent that is quite different from what everyone thought it would be. Don’t get me wrong here – there is struggle and challenge and difficulty as we push our way up through the soil. Life was not meant to be an easy ride. It is those very struggles that shape us and strengthen us and give us the tools we need to blast out into the light. This very difficulty that you are going through right now is part of this bigger plan. You are in the struggle phase of growth, but it won’t last forever. You can push through, you need to push through, there is such beauty awaiting you on the other side that you cannot see now while you are still trapped in the darkness. Trust me, because I know. Trust me, because I have been there. Trust me, because you are worth it and the gift that you have for this world is still to be discovered. If you give up now we will all lose out on that. So please, when it feels like the going is just too tough to bear, when it feels like your options have run out, when it feels like one more night will be one night too many, tell someone. Anyone. And if they’re not able to help or they don’t take you seriously or they don’t understand – tell someone else. And someone else. There is somebody out there in your world like me, someone who is familiar with that darkness; who knows it by name. They can guide you to the other side, they can hold your hand as you familiarise yourself with the darker parts of human nature, your own nature, our nature. Whatever the darkness is in yourself that you find unbearable, there is another side. Every one of us has both the dark and the light, and there is nothing so bad that you can’t navigate your way to the other side of it, but sometime we all need some help. Sometimes it takes someone who isn’t afraid of the dark to help you to find the light. Sometimes it takes time to find the right person. But you will. Keep asking, keep reaching out, keep calling out into the dark until somebody hears you. We are out there, we are listening, we are waiting for your call.

Ati2ud

Why am I so Angry?

Underneath anger is hurt and pain. Underneath tears is hurt and pain. It is the same emotion, just expressed differently…. Anger is a signal that something is wrong, we are in a state of stress/distress and are being triggered. Whatever it is that we are facing needs to be resolved in order for us to function again. If we don’t resolve or channel our anger it can affect our productivity, well-being and even lead to long term effects such as illness. We face conflict everyday throughout our lifetime: When we are facing a crossroad or decision we need to make = inner turmoil In our relationships with our partner = relationship problems With our children and families = family issues With our friends and in the workplace with our colleagues, customers and suppliers = peer pressure and social norms At times we also have turmoil on a spiritual level where we question our faith and beliefs. Conflict can result in a number of emotions being expressed as everyone deals with conflict differently. Some try to avoid it by shutting down, disengaging and withdrawing (a Minimiser). Others are seen to attack and/or become aggressive (a Maximiser). Both of these reactions are defensive mechanisms to protect us from being exposed and vulnerable on an emotional level. Anger can become a major health issue. Seeing as our childhood forms the foundation of our emotional intelligence (this is where we are taught how to express ourselves, to communicate, to show affection, how to manage conflict and more) we need to help children find healthy ways of dealing with their emotions, especially anger. Parents typically respond to their child’s outbursts with punishment, rejection or their own outbursts.  They might give their child time-out in their room or the naughty corner, high school kids are given detention, suspended or even expelled. But children don’t understand where their anger comes from, we have to help them identify their underlying emotions and how to express their emotions in a way they understand e.g. they might be feeling left out, rejected or misunderstood. If children are not taught how to do this, they will find ways of dealing with what they are feeling that will become their adaptive patterns in adulthood and by then these traits are well entrenched. The key to understanding our emotions is self-awareness.Becoming self-aware – We all have a trigger system that gives us clues as to what is going on inside of us. The sooner we identify these triggers (e.g. increased breathing, knot in the stomach, heart rate etc), the sooner we can do something about it. Self-regulate – The quickest and easiest way to self-regulate is to focus on your breathing. So if you need to count to 10 (or 100), walk away and do a quick breathing exercise then do that. It is the body’s natural way of self-regulating. Consider your options – In every situation we always have a choice. By weighing up the options and consequences for all the options we can make an informed decision and ultimately better choice than one based on pure reactivity. When we learn to Embrace Conflict and not see conflict as a bad thing but rather be curious as to what is going on and what is triggering us, real change can happen vs. repeating the same patterns over and over again.  As adults, we owe it to ourselves to learn these basic skills in order to provide a better emotional foundation for our children and future generations.

Aupair Exclusive

True Confessions: How to become a better mom

We all want to be the perfect mom and have the perfect children. This however is easier said than done. There is no quick fix out, no manual you can go and buy that guarantees you to have solved the mystery of how to raise the perfect children. Reading all the self help books will only confuse you more and if nothing else leave you feeling disillusioned and wondering if you will ever get it right. A mom to four boys I have over the years figured out some things that have made my life easier and there are some points that require a bit more effort on my side. I hope that each mom can take away one point from this article that will make them feel like they are doing a fabulous job. Limit shouting at my boys Wow I put this first because if I can limit my shouting all the other points become so much easier. Ranting and raving does make them listen to me, all I am actually doing is blowing off my own steam and making myself feel better. I now turn away, breath in out and then face the problem. I have found that I will not get involved in the arguments and telling tales because the shouting just escalates. A quote that I recently found “ you don’t have to show up to every argument that you are invited to “ Stop comparing. Your kids need you You are the perfect mom for your kids, that is why you are blessed with them. Nobody could do a better job at raising those special individuals in your home. Yes there will be days when you look at them and say to yourself “ Johnny, why cant you be more like your brother Paul?” or ponder why you suddenly became a qualified teacher, child psychologist, judge and doctor. Dont look at the other moms at swimming practise who always seem to have it perfectly together while you come racing in with your double stroller late again. ( This doesn’t matter, you made it there and that is what is important ) Dont look at the perfect pictures on Facebook, it is easy to manipulate any situation to suite our needs. So, stop comparing, stop thinking If only I was like her then life would be perfect. Its not true. You are their mother and they need you and they love you unconditionally. Hug more and hurt less I have realised that in the very busy life we lead it is so easy to forgot to stop and hug our children. When I think back on my childhood I don’t remember receiving hugs from my mom. Hugs serve so many purposes, they show our love for our children, they take away any hurt may it be psychical or emotional, we hug out of happiness, we hug to calm a situation. Moms love to shower their new born babies with hugs but as they grow up to become teenagers it gets harder and harder to hug. We now have a standing joke in our house, when I say to my boys “ what does mom want ?” they smile from ear to ear and rush over to me shouting “ A HUG “ I am them showered with hugs from every corner. My teenager of course sits on the couch and looks at me like I am crazy. This has made it easy for the boys to hug me good bye in the morning when I drop them at school, to hug them when they are sad and to give countless hugs at night when its sleep time. Take care or yourself This does not mean close the bathroom and go to the toilet alone and consider this a great accomplishment. In actual fact it means taking a long bath and soaking amid the screams and knocks on the bathroom door. Paint your nails, go to the hair salon once a week, enjoy the journey of motherhood. It takes up a chunk of our lives so while we are living in it lets enjoy it. “Me time “ is so import, you don’t want to loose your identity and your hobbies. Now that you are a mom you don’t need to give up on the activities that make you happy. Its important for your children to see what you love and take care of yourself. Love yourself – value yourself, cultivate your gifts and talents, they must never fade away, they should rather flourish. You are only teaching your children good qualities in life. You do not need to feel guilty for taking time out for yourself. You want your children to have happy and fond memories of you, not memories of an exhausted and unhappy mom Eat healthy, be healthy This must be one of the hardest for me. I am a chocoholic and have a sweet tooth of note.Its so much easier to grab a lollipop on the way out of the house instead of an apple. I have made a concerted effort to ensure my children eat healthy, balanced meals. The older boys get, the hungrier they get. I am convinced their legs are hollow. I keep the bottles that we buy water in from the store and refill them and put them in the fridge. I am amazed at how much water they actually drink. We also have a menu that is drawn up every Sunday for the week and placed on the fridge. I no longer get asked “ whats for super mom? “ they now look on the fridge ,it also helps with the weekly shopping so there is less of the spur of the moment buying and take outs. Fizzy drinks are a BIG NO in my house. Lots of exercise and outdoor sport is a BIG YES, the boys swim more than once a day, ride bicycles, skate board and run around. I encourage outdoor play to

Munchkins

Goodbye Winter Bugs! Natural Remedies for Children

Every year we’re dealt a dose of those old winter bugs that bring the common cold and chesty coughs to our normally healthy children. Sometimes, we’re bewildered that our child has picked up a dreaded sniffle because we feel we’ve taken good care to avoid exposure to germs and have made sure that healthy eating, vitamins and keeping warm are part of our winter defence regime. However, as parents we can’t always be perfect – and we certainly can’t control every bug floating on the chilly breeze. Kids have a way of being more vulnerable to close contact with others and changes in temperature – and every parent knows there are going to be those days when their child’s otherwise robust immune system is going to take a knock. There are many over the counter remedies that can help – but not all of these are necessarily good – especially when you’re dealing with these bugs year after year. So how can you protect your child in avoiding these dangers or dealing with the consequences in the simplest, safest, most natural way possible? Germs, Temperature and Immune Systems Ears Keeping your child’s head and ears warm is a key factor in warding off chills. The area around the ears is delicate and vulnerable – an area that when warmed, can help to warm the entire body. Staying warm, keeping an even body temperature, is useful in keeping winter viruses from gaining the upper hand. Cleanliness This is another simple defensive tactic. Keeping hands clean as much as possible helps to protect your child from the transfer of a variety of germs, especially when they are with other children. Colds are usually passed from person to person by touching contaminated objects, including doorknobs or toys. So basic measures, such as making sure your kids wash their hands often, while not an easy regime to instill, can certainly be helpful as a preventative measure, especially when backed by immune-building supplements such as vitamins A, C, D and herbal teas. Congestion Lemon is excellent for drying up congestion. The addition of honey provides a soothing coating for the throat. Mix a tablespoon of each, microwave for 20 seconds until warm (not hot), and give your child a teaspoon at a time. Caution: Honey is not safe for babies under 1 year. Saline solution – using a nasal wash with a seawater solution helps all family members get over colds faster and strengthens the immune system. Saline nasal drops can help relieve congestion, especially in an infant’s small nasal passages. Because babies breathe through their noses and not their mouths, breaking up nasal congestion can make it easier to breathe, allowing a baby to nurse or drink from a bottle more comfortably. Place a few of the salt water drops in each nostril to thin the mucus, wait at least 60 seconds, then gently remove discharge. For infants, try this before feeding. Nausea For children aged 2 and older, add a teaspoon of shredded fresh ginger to four ounces of boiling water, and let it steep for 4 – 5 five minutes. You can add a bit of honey to make it taste better. This is an extremely good remedy for car sickness.  Natural immune boosters  Fish oil Remember the daily spoonful of cod liver oil your mother (or grandmother) dosed you with? Well, now we know there’s real science behind the practice. Fish oils are rich in essential fatty acids, including omega-3s, so they provide a powerful immune boost. Fish oil can stave off colds and ear infections in children. Make sure to look for the words: pharmaceutical grade and distilled, which mean that the product does not contain mercury or other metals, PCBs, dioxins, or other impurities. Garlic Garlic contains allicin, a compound which has been known to have anti-bacterial properties. The only problem is that children rarely find it palatable. Try mincing the garlic very finely and adding to a light sauces and various dishes to disguise the taste as much as possible. Herbs Essential oils or teas made from dried herbs have been shown to work well for children older than six months. There are some strong expectorant herbs, such as thyme, eucalyptus, mint, pine, licorice, and anise that are effective in bringing up mucus. To soothe a tight cough, you can try thyme, slippery elm, peppermint or lemon balm. Add a drop or two of an essential oil to a cup of massage oil, and gently rub the mixture into your child’s chest and back. Cough drops with slippery elm or licorice will also give some relief. Tea Herbal tea provides respite from a number of complaints. Mint, lemon and ginger tea are excellent for colds and flu – and act as a good preventative measure. If your child objects to hot tea, you can add some honey and freeze it into ice-pop molds. These on a summer’s day are refreshing and good for building the immune system as winter approaches. Honey Honey has several beneficial effects that bode well for building a healthy system to fight infections. Honey is an energy boost of natural sugar and so helps to alleviate fatigue and feelings of being ‘run down’. It can improve the digestive system; food better absorbed helps to strengthen the immune system. As a powerful anti-oxidant and with strong immune-building properties, honey contains bacteria that kill infection. Tea or hot liquids made with honey plus lemon, ginger and cinnamon are perfect for cold winter evenings and for fighting the first signs of winter sniffles. Caution: Honey is not safe for babies under 1 year. Homeopathic solutions There are several homeopathic solutions for colds, coughs, flu, congestion, etc., you only have to check with your stockist.  However, Umcka Cold Care, which comes in drops, tablet, syrup or powder, has been shown to lessen the effect of colds on kids, relieving sore throats, coughs, and congestion.  Sambucus has proved efficacious as well – it’s an organic product made with

Edublox - Reading & Learning Clinic

The real price of not addressing your child’s learning problems

Failing or delaying to address a child’s learning difficulties has far-reaching implications for both parents and children alike. Edublox reading, maths and learning clinic, warns that the real cost of withholding learning intervention programs from children with learning difficulties should not be underestimated. This could result in long-term financial burdens when learners have to repeat a grade, while they often pay the price academically, emotionally and socially.  “While parents tend to spend money on exciting hobbies, or sporting activities in areas where their child is flourishing, they often find it difficult to acknowledge and prioritise resolving their child’s immediate academic issues,” says Susan du Plessis, Director of Educational Programs at Edublox. “Parents put off addressing their child’s academic problems as they tend to hold on to the hope that the next report will be better. Their child’s busy schedule, full of extracurricular activities, also leaves no time for homework or attending extra classes” says du Plessis. “Children often pay a steep price for not being able to learn at a level that is expected of them,” says du Plessis. “Besides not being able to pursue a career of their choice one day, children with learning difficulties often develop emotional issues that can cause long-term psychological damage,” she adds. Research by Dr. Marianna Alesi, published in the Journal of Psychological Abnormalities, found that students who experience repeated failure, such as those with learning disabilities, are more likely to have anxious symptoms and to use avoidant behaviours. This, explains Alesi, creates a vicious circle where a learner’s self-esteem is negatively impacted by their learning ability and it can affect all aspects of their future development.* Parents often underestimate the true value for money that effective, solution-driven and scientifically proven educational intervention programs provide for children with learning difficulties. Recent research by Old Mutual indicates that if a learner repeats a year at a state school it could cost an estimated R 37 500 for school-related expenses alone; excluding additional food, recreation and transport costs.** “When looking at the cost of an additional year of school fees, the economic choice to invest a marginal amount in solving an academic issue early on becomes much simpler,” says du Plessis. Parents concerned about the affordability of getting specialised help for their child’s learning woes are encouraged to take a look at their monthly expenditure, and prioritise their expenses by making use of various budgeting tools available online or to consult a financial advisor.*** Alida Smit is a parent that can attest to the psychological and financial benefits of early intervention at a reputable and professional reading clinic. Today an owner of such an establishment herself, she once struggled to find help for her son, who was diagnosed with dyslexia. “My son’s confidence blossomed and his attitude towards learning changed completely when he was exposed to the right intervention and development programs. If I got to the clinic sooner, I am sure the cost would be less and the emotional impact far less significant. When my daughter started experiencing some of the same challenges, I was able to help her immediately without having to exhaust many options. Not only was the cost significantly less in this process, but she benefitted much sooner, and did not go through the emotional and psychological roller coaster of emotions,” she says. Today’s challenging economic environment is forcing parents to cut down on costs wherever possible.  The financial implications of an academically struggling learner are, therefore, often overlooked as parents feel they cannot afford professional help for their children. Du Plessis advises that parents who want to save money should do research to evaluate various learning support programs available based on their track record, quality control measures, and the realistic timeframe of improvement. “By temporarily reducing little luxury expenses such as restaurant meals and pricy entertainment, parents can provide their child with the opportunity to excel at school,” says du Plessis. “The best solution for parents is to get help for their children as soon as possible. Nip learning difficulties in the bud; it makes sense from a financial perspective and helps build your child’s self-confidence,” says du Plessis. “As parents, we have a responsibility to not only provide our children with an education, but to ensure that they have a wide array of choices when it comes to possible career paths after school. The temporary financial sacrifice for resolving your child’s learning difficulties is actually a long term, emotional and educational investment towards your child’s future success,” du Plessis concludes.

Parenting Hub

Authenticity – the expression of self

The expression of self is something that we struggle with from birth. The inability to express what your true needs or feelings are creates a frustration within you, which if not managed, can in fact cause serious physical and psychological harm. So how do we manage this? More importantly, how do we help our kids deal with this conundrum. Conceptually, authenticity awakes feelings of peace and joy within you until you realise that maybe you aren’t quite sure what it is you need to do. As adults we have  a legacy of hiding who we are, which means that teaching our kids differently can be tricky. To be authentic is in essence quite simple. It’s about acting in line with your values structure; it’s about voicing your opinion not someone else’s. It’s about making life decisions that are in your best interest and not something that you think someone else wants you to do. The best we can do hear, is model this for our kids to see. After all, they learn more from what they observe than what we tell them. Authenticity is about making the choice to be the best you that you can be. This means that we as adults need to re-assess our behaviour and make a conscious decision to model what we want our kids to learn. Of course, in the real world this isn’t always easy as we are so easily swayed by the opinions and perceptions of others. Our society dictates an in-the-box focus on life and in many instances discourages individuality. What the world needs is more people who are prepared to stand up for what is right. We need to teach our children to be individuals who are able to think for themselves. We need to do this by first freeing ourselves from thought patterns that add no value to our own lives. Feel that it is time to drop the shackles of mediocrity? Start by understanding your own value structure. If you are consciously aware of your values, you will make decisions based on your values, allowing no room for external negative input. Actively teach your children that it is okay to make decisions based on their value structure. Of course, we also need to temper that with teaching them to make safe decisions too. Learning to express your true self is the greatest gift your will ever give yourself. It’s a journey of discovery taking you to places you may never have seen or forgotten existed. You will get in touch with your dreams, set goals for a brighter future. For me nothing says I’ve “got it right” than when my daughter stands up for herself and what she believes is right for her. This does sometimes mean I get to bite my tongue every so now and again. It’s worth it.

EduHelp

Questions To Ask Your Child’s Teacher

The third term is upon us and meeting with professionals working with your child is a priority. It can be very daunting, especially for parents whose children may have learning challenges. Frequently, the professionals end up talking and the parents try desperately to follow the conversation and very often only pick up on the negative information. A small but interesting fact: it takes 9 or more positive remarks to cancel out the effects of a negative one. Sadly, many parents leave these meetings feeling overwhelmed and too often, disappointed. Being prepared is one of the best steps one can take. Here are some questions to help you find out your child’s strengths, where their difficulties lie and how you can help your child. Hopefully, this will allow you to leave these meetings with ideas, empathy and positive information about your child and what you can do. Of course there will be areas of concern, but as a parent you will feel more confident in how to handle them. What does my child enjoy? Who are my child’s friends? How is he/she socially? Interactions and communication? Is she/he liked by her/his peers? What are my child’s strengths (socially, emotionally, physically and mentally)? What value does my child bring to the class/sessions? Are there areas in which my child shows a particular interest or possible talent? What are my child’s differences – instead of saying ‘problems’ or ‘difficulties’ – (socially, emotionally, physically and mentally)? Does my child participate? (This can mean anything from being a team leader, team player, active member, dedicated, diligent, a motivator. Remember, an extroverted and an introverted child will play different roles in these situations.  What is important is that they are involved.) How is my child learning and functioning in a classroom environment or sessions (individual or group) – does their behaviour differ in different subjects (P.E, music, computers, languages, maths, etc.)? What will you be teaching my child? Areas of focus. How will you do this? What methods or approaches will you use? Can I implement these at home? Expectations (i.e. homework – time, assistance and outcomes) What type of homework will you give, and what are the  deadlines? (what is due weekly/daily or projects/exams/assessments) Is my child managing to complete the work (in class and homework)? Do they have the current abilities to work in class or in sessions effectively? How can I, as a parent, be involved and assist? How can I check up on grades, assignments? (Remember you are entitled to see ALL of your child’s work). Bring up your own concerns, observations and ask questions related to your child. Remember your child will be different in different environments. It is important to know about any major discrepancies. What is the best way and time to contact you (the teacher or professional)? I hope with this information you and your child can gear yourselves for the forthcoming term. I suggest scheduling a meeting with your child’s teacher and other professionals as soon as possible. I wish you all the best for your upcoming meetings.

Kath Megaw

Picky Eating Revisited

Picky eaters come in all shapes and sizes and so do their parents. I define a picky eater as someone who limits what he or she is willing to eat, won’t try new foods and won’t give a rebuffed food a second chance. Food allergies or sensitivities, sensory issues or an honest dislike of a particular food (but not hundreds of particular foods or entire food groups) are not the same as picky eating. If a child’s eating habits are causing trouble at your dinner table, here are 12 ideas to help you return the family meal focus to conversation and togetherness rather than battles over whether young Johnny will eat “just one bite.” 1.If you don’t want your child to eat it, don’t bring it home. When it comes to food one of the pillars of parenting is to protect the home environment. Attention to this non-coercive measure can prevent eating issues in the first place, or help defuse problems that have already developed. You decide what foods are welcome. 2. Institute a “one-meal rule.” If you don’t want to be a short order cook, making a separate meal for different children, stop. Keep the messaging positive: Tell your kids that the house rule is now one delicious dinner for everyone. Parents need to parent,Food related responsibilities in families should go like this: Parents are in charge of what foods are offered at home, and children can choose to eat it or not. If a child rejects the food, it is not the parents’ responsibility to offer something else. It’s fine to make sure the meal includes at least one thing that’s generally acceptable (even if that’s just plain pasta), and you should decide in advance what’s acceptable to you after dinner for a child who didn’t eat (a choice that’s distinctly different for toddlers than for teenagers). 3. A little hunger can go a long way. Snacks are fine but don’t overdo them. If children arrive at the dinner table hungry, they are more likely to eat what is in front of them. I routinely put salad on the table before the entree and found that salad eating spiked as a result. 4. Shop and cook together. Involve your children in every step as much as possible. Take them to the grocery store and ask them to pick any vegetable/fruit they want. Have them help you cook. Depending on their age, this can mean counting out cherry tomatoes to add to a salad, stirring, and later making a meal on their own. Even setting the table instills ownership. 5. Meet them where they are. If your children love roast chicken, don’t start the “one-meal rule” by making exotic pork dishes with a lot of sauces. Make basic food you know they like. This way it will not feel like deprivation. Additionally, make sure they can personalize parts of their meal: If you’re making burritos/omelets/burgers, have all the fillings/toppings in little bowls so they can choose what to add. 6. Don’t force them to eat anything. There are many schools of thought about this. Some people feel you should make them “just take one bite.” I don’t agree and think that this has a very negative implication and tends to backfire. Instead say, “Wow, these roasted brussels sprouts/shredded carrots/spinach pancakes are amazing.” Children who won’t taste don’t get nudged or judged. The 10th time you serve them, your child may, unprompted, take a bite. 7. Talk about what it takes to grow and cook food. Breed respect. When children understand that someone had to plant a seed and harvest a vegetable even before it gets to your kitchen, they will more fully appreciate what goes into making a meal. Even better, plant a little garden. 8. Be consistent but not rigid. Be sure everyone knows what the rules are, but if your rule is a home-cooked dinner every night and you’re exhausted, cut yourself some slack: get take-out. Eat breakfast for dinner. Pull everything out of the fridge and see who can make what. 9. Be a good role model. Children take their cues from their parents: if you don’t like something, don’t pretend to like it but express your pleasure that someone – even you — went to the trouble to prepare it. 10. Play. Experiment. Try different food “games” outside of dinnertime. We’ve had a lot of success with games where everyone can make a lot of choices and mix and match: Vegetable Tasting Extravaganza: trying many vegetables, each prepared in multiple ways. Raw Vegetable and Dip Experiment: trying different dips with different raw vegetables 11. Don’t refer to anyone as a “picky eater” or make a big deal out of their “picky eating.” If your child doesn’t eat carrots, don’t stop serving them, or when your child is a guest at someone else’s, don’t say: My child doesn’t like carrots. If you define them, it makes it much harder for them to change. 12. Use positive peer pressure. When my children were in pre primary school, their friends ate whatever my kids ate when they came to our house. I literally never had a child say: “I don’t eat hummus. I don’t like carrots.” Seeing a peer eat an unfamiliar food automatically makes it safer. You’ll be amazed at how many children will eat something because they see another child eating it.

Good Night Baby

Tips You Can Try TONIGHT To Help With Your Child’s Sleep Problems

Would you like to know one of the most important steps parents can take in order to get their child sleeping through the night? It’s very simple, very easy… and actually pretty fun, too! It’s setting up a bedtime routine. Now, I know you might be thinking “Oh, I already know about bedtime routines,” but stick with me here because there I’m also going to talk about the single biggest mistake that parents make with bedtime routines. Here are 3 easy tips to help you master your child’s bedtime: TIP #1: MAKE SURE IT’S FUN! Okay, this might seem obvious, but I’m going to make sure I say it loud and clear anyways… Don’t make your child angry at bedtime! Seems like common sense, but you’d be surprised how many clients I’ve worked with who insist on including baths in a bedtime routine — even though their child totally HATES baths! When I ask them why they’re forcing their child to do something he or she hates right before bedtime, they usually say, “Because that’s what I was told to do.” Their mom or sister or friend told them that ALL children need a bath before bedtime, so they just started doing it. But trying to get your child to do something she hates right before bedtime is a flat-out bad idea. Tempers flare… tears are shed… and your child gets so emotionally wound up that it takes MUCH longer for her to calm down and get back into her happy place. So make sure your bedtime routine includes only activities your child enjoys! TIP #2: KEEP IT SHORT (BUT NOT TOO SHORT) Specifically, somewhere between 20 and 30 minutes, from start to finish. Why? Well, you want it to be long enough to get your child calmed down, relaxed, and ready for sleep. Plus, bedtime is a wonderful way to spend time bonding with your child. For many parents, it’s the best “quality time” you’ll spend with your child all day! However, if you let your bedtime routine drag on for too long, you risk letting your child get overtired, which makes falling asleep MUCH more difficult! TIP #3: NO SUGAR OR TELEVISION RIGHT BEFORE BED Yes, I know this one sounds “preachy,” but if you’re giving your child sweets (or juice) right before bed, it’s going to be harder for him to fall asleep. Same thing goes for letting a child watch TV right before bed. The juice or sweets will give him a “sugar rush” of jittery energy, which is the LAST thing we want before bedtime. And watching TV or playing on the computer can (for lots of children) overstimulate them, so I recommend NOT letting your child watch TV as part of your bedtime routine. THE BIGGEST BEDTIME MISTAKE… As promised, I also want to share the single biggest bedtime mistake that parents make. It’s simply this… Letting your child doze off BEFORE you put them into bed. Now, I know it’s tempting for many parents to let their child fall asleep while rocking, bouncing, or feeding. After all, for many babies, this is the way they’ve ALWAYS gotten to sleep. Unfortunately, it’s also the reason why they tend to wake frequently in the night. If you’re interested in learning some easy strategies for getting your child to fall asleep on their own at night (rather than being rocked nursed, or otherwise soothed to sleep by you), I’d love to chat further!

Mia Von Scha

Could you be the reason for your child cheating?

Mrs M, with her short straight black hair and angular face, peered suspiciously at us, pacing the grade five class, blurting out English words at timed intervals. It was our job to translate these into Afrikaans and spell them correctly within the allocated time. I’d studied for the test as I always did and I probably could have aced it. But I was afraid. You see, I’d confused praise with love and I believed that if I failed that love would be withdrawn. Love: The lifeblood of every child. And so I cheated. The vocab for the week was posted up at the back of the class and I snuck a look at every opportunity. I thought I got away with it. Then the next day, there she was pacing the class again, this time calling out the marks for everyone to hear as she handed back test papers. Starting from the highest mark to the lowest. Full marks. Not me. Ok, I must be next. Nine out of ten. Not my name. Come on, come one. 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1. Zero. Slam, my paper lands on my desk. The whole class goes silent. Somebody gasps. She grabs my wrist and pulls me out of the class to discuss my crime in privacy. ‘Why?’ I wonder after she has already humiliated me. I start to cry. I don’t stop for hours. By the end of the day she calls me back into her class, says she thinks I have learned my lesson and tears up the paper. I never cheat again. But not because I’ve somehow become more moral from the experience, but because my terror at losing that love has just intensified. It’s one thing to not do well but cheating and getting zero would definitely be the end of me. I wondered later what those teachers must have thought of my parents. They probably thought that if I went home to get my test signed I’d have had a beating. But the beating I believed I would’ve gotten was way worse than any physical pain. It was the beating of rejection of my being. There was no way I could stand that. No child could. And so I empathize with children who cheat. I wonder what fear has brought them to that point. I wonder why parents and the schooling system are so focused on marks that they forget the real reason for testing a skill – To see if the work has been taught properly and understood. I wonder why nobody explains this to children, and why report cards and test scores are held up as measures of self worth. I wonder too why we berate children for cheating without acknowledging this trait in ourselves. How we ignore our own failures when we cheat on our diet or cheat on our spouse, cheat our employers out of time as we scour Facebook or cheat the tax man to save a few bucks. How is it that we expect our children to have higher moral standards than ourselves. Why are we are unable to look past their misdemeanors and see the fear and pain and panic just below the surface? What are we teaching them really? The brain is a very efficient organ. It will always find the quickest path to a desired result. If it perceives that the quickest way to get love and approval is to cheat (rather than to risk trying the honest way and possibly failing) then cheating will happen. Is your child’s fastest way to love and approval through good marks? Then you’re setting them up for cheating at some point in their lives. Think about the messages that you are giving with your praise or bribery, or with your withholding of affection when kids don’t do well. If we want our children to pass honestly, then we need to change the messages that we’re giving them around what testing means, around their true worth regardless of performance, and around the unwavering love that we have for them regardless of their behavior.

Parenting Hub

Experiential Education:
How holiday camps are valuable teachers

There are many things that simply cannot be studied from the pages of a book, and essential life and social skills are good examples. These lessons are best learned from direct experience and purposeful reflection, which is the core of Experiential Education (EE) philosophy, and the result of many youth camp experiences. Experiential Education is a process through which a learner constructs knowledge, skill, and value from direct experience – or simply put, it is “learning by doing”. Children’s holiday camps are a great place to lay the foundation for experiential education, since they encourage spontaneous opportunities for learning in a positive environment. A visit to Sugar Bay Holiday Camp in KwaZulu Natal proved just this. At Sugar Bay, balancing four metres above the ground, a young boy’s smile gleamed as he not only achieved a new crate building record, but also courage. Motivated by a bunch of other campers, this boy conquered his fear of heights. This was also where he discovered that new experiences can be good experiences.   At the theatre, youngsters who were inspired by screenplays gained the self-confidence to produce and perform an extraordinary stage production to an audience of two hundred campers. They were intellectually engaged, emotionally challenged and socially rewarded for their hard work, and for pursuing an idea passionately. During a beach treasure hunt, campers learned to appreciate nature as they felt the sand between their toes, heard the crashing of the waves, and relished the salty sea breeze in search for their loot.   During their Arts & Crafts lesson, a group of girls were braiding friendship bracelets silently under a tree. They were then asked to exchange bracelets with the stranger next to them. This simple exchange helped them make a new friend they’d hope to keep. They learned the value of friendship and generosity.   At the final camp fire, everyone reflected on their experiences and discovered for themselves just how much they had learned and conquered. Lessons that will remain forever valuable and useful to them.   Camp experiences perfectly illustrate that not everything we learn needs a textbook or certificate to prove that we have been properly schooled. Experience challenges learners to reflect on their achievements and learn from their failures in valuable ways that will increase both their theoretical and practical knowledge. The aphorism, “Experience is the best teacher”, is clearly confirmed after learners return from a good camp.

Carla Grobler

Is Your Child Suffering From ADHD or ADD?

Do you have a busy child who is always running around, struggles to fall asleep before 10 at night, shouts out answers in the class, has difficulty concentrating and sitting still? Your child may be suffering from ADHD or ADD. But what is ADHD/ADD? Does my child need medication? Is the medication dangerous? Medical professionals use the DSM criteria to diagnose Attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and Attention deficit disorder (ADD). The following signs and symptoms were taken from Kaplan and Saddock (IV edition): Either (1) or (2): (1)        Inattention: Six (or more) of the following symptoms of inattention have persisted for at least six months to a degree that is maladaptive and inconsistent with developmental level: (a) Often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities (b) Often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities (c)  Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly (d)  Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behaviour or failure to understand instructions) (e)  Often has difficulties organizing tasks and activities (f)    Often avoids, dislikes or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork or homework) (g)  Often loses things necessary for tasks or activities (e.g. school assignments, pencils, books or tools) (h)  Is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli (i)    Is often forgetful in daily activities (2)       Hyperactivity-impulsivity: Six (or more) of the following symptoms of hyperactivity-impulsivity have persisted for at least six months to a degree that is maladaptive and inconsistent with developmental level: Hyperactivity (a)  Often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat (b)  Often leaves seat in classroom or in other situations in which remaining seated is expected (c)  Often runs about or climbs excessively in situations in which it is inappropriate (in adolescents or adults, may be limited to subjective feeling of restlessness) (d)  Often has difficulty playing or engaging in leisure activities quietly (e)  Is often ‘on the go’ or often acts as if ‘driven by a motor’ (f)    Often talks excessively Impulsivity (g)  Often blurts out answers to questions before the questions have been completed (h)  Often has difficulty awaiting turn (i)    Often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g. butts into conversations or games) Some hyperactive-impulsive or inattentive symptoms that caused impairment were present before age 7 years. Some impairment from the symptoms is present in two or more settings (e.g. at school, work and at home) There must be clear evidence of clinically significant impairment in social, academic or occupational functioning. The symptoms do not occur exclusively during the course of a pervasive developmental disorder, schizophrenia or other psychotic disorder, and are not better accounted for by another mental disorder. Your child may only have Attention Deficit Disorder; this is all the above symptoms except the hyperactivity-impulsivity symptoms. So what should I do if I think my child may be suffering form ADD/ADHD? Take your child to an occupational therapist to determine the possibility of ADD/ADHD and the effect it has had on development and skills. If the therapist suspects that your child is suffering from ADD/ADHD you will be referred to a paediatric neurologist for an evaluation. It is important not to take your child to a GP for medication as a specialist needs to be consulted as medication for ADD/ADHD is schedule 5/6 and works on the neurological system. Your child’s neurological system is still developing and damage can occur if the dosage of the medication is too high. Is medication always necessary? Sometimes medication is necessary – this will help your child to focus her attention; this will improve her concentration and thus learning can take place. Usually children with ADD or ADHD cannot concentrate for sufficient periods in class and thus they lose learning-time – that is why some children with ADD or ADHD fail their grade or fall behind in class. It will not help to hit/punish your child if they suffer from ADD or ADHD because although they try their best to sit still/work/pay attention, they are incapable of doing so – that is why medication is sometimes a blessing for both the child and the parents. It is sometimes difficult for parents to admit that their child needs medication but this is an issue that the parents need to deal with – don’t take valuable learning-time away from your child by not taking him/her to see a trusted paediatric neurologist. Usually the neurologist will start on a minimum prescription of Ritalin (for attention) and Risperdal for hyperactivity/restlessness. These medications will vary according to the age of the child and the severity of symptoms. Remember that it will take some time for your child’s body to adapt to the medication – don’t give up too soon. If unacceptable side-effects persist for more than 2 – 6 weeks, please talk to your doctor. Remember that not all medications work for all children and that the doctor may have to try a variety of medication until he/she finds the combination of medication that works for your child. Helpful hints Children with ADD or ADHD need a structured/disciplined environment to function optimally. Using the same handling approach at school, therapy and at home gives the child clear guidelines of what is expected of him/her. The golden rule to follow with a child with ADHD is a low GI diet. Find out if your child is allergic to any food e.g. dairy products, yellow food (corn, squash), junk food, fruit juice, sugar, chocolate, NutraSweet/Canderal/etc., processed meat, MSG’s, fried food, food colouring or fish as this may cause temper outbursts! Avoid processed foods. These contain additives and preservatives e.g. certain cheeses, certain cold meats Avoid junk food/take-aways Avoid sodas/fizzy drinks Avoid candy Avoid cookies No energy drinks e.g. Play/Red Bull Avoid fried foods E.g. chips, crisps, KFC Avoid additives and preservatives. Fruit juice should be diluted and not given

The Don Father

Power-Up Your ‘Hands On Dad’ Function

The detached dad, turning up his nose at parenting duties has changed dramatically over the years. Do you even get dad’s like this these days? In a recent study which surveyed 3,881 fathers across America who lived at home with their families. 90% of 1,790 men with children aged under five, said they took on bathing, dressing and nappy changing duties, and 72% said they fed or ate with their children. Get hands on from the beginning Getting involved in the daily activities of your baby – dressing, calming, playing, bathing and nappy changing – is the best way to build your skills and confidence. These everyday activities also create lots of one-on-one time with your baby. Another bonus is that it gives your wife a well-deserved break. Trust me, I’m still learning the ins and outs of this parenting role, but I have quickly come to realize a few important things… Learn to understand your baby Babies give ‘cues’ or signals to what they need through their behaviour and body language. By really paying attention to your baby’s cues, over time you’ll learn how to work out what your baby needs. Talk to your baby as often as you can Communicate with your baby while you’re carrying or changing her. For example, ‘Let’s get this nappy changed’. ‘That feels better, doesn’t it?’ I have read that every word baby hears helps develop her language and learning. Telling stories, reading books or singing songs has the same effect. Bath time for us has turned into a mad karaoke session. If baby is breastfed – Help with breastfeeding Your attitude and support for breastfeeding is extremely important during this chapter. You could give practical support – another pillow, a back rub or a glass of water (tea and biscuits at 3am is our favourite, the extra kilos from them, not so much!) Housework We all hate it! Take charge and just get it done. This isn’t the time to dust behind the washing machine. Just make sure your house is liveable and that your wife is comfortable. Educate yourself One of the best ways to learn is by doing! And then there is Google of course. Google can be your best friend at times. Get Out Infants are surprisingly portable. Don’t be afraid to travel. Every outing gets easier and easier, trust me. You’ll get loads of attention too (Perfect ego boosting!) I got some solid advice from experienced Power Dad’s Dyl and Dean, Power Couple Season 1 runners-up. Here is what they had to say. Dyl: “You have to create your own bonding time with a new baby.  Mom and child are so physically close that their connection is easy.  My thing was spending an hour every morning alone with Tai – walking, on the beach, driving, chatting – and he knew this was our time.  6 years later I can say it was the best thing I did as a new Dad.  Alone time with that little human is so good for your bond. Also, there are no hard and fast rules to parenting, do what works for you.  There is so much advice out there on what you should and shouldn’t do, but the thing is, you have to find your own way to not only survive parenting, but enjoy it too.“ Dean: “Be as patient as possible and give your undivided attention when they speak. Focus on praising and uplifting them positively when achieving anything big or small. A confident child can achieve anything!”

Heather Hansen

Advice For Dating With Children

You’ve met someone really nice and you’re starting to think he/she may just be the “one”. There’s just one little problem (or maybe more) if you’re divorced and upwards of mid 30 – the children. If we’re dating while raising children, we have to integrate and balance the responsibilities of parenthood and take into consideration the attitudes and perception of the children – and it’s not easy! Here are a few tips: Don’t involve children in adult relationships they may too immature to understand. Not every relationship is going to last, so spare your children unnecessary exposure to short-term flings. It can be heartbreaking for your children when they’re no longer around, particularly those dealing with post-divorce parental alienation – they may become attached quickly and intensely. Be sure the new person in your life is there for the long-term before introducing your children.   Test the waters – talk to your children about dating first. Ask them how they feel about you dating. Explain that just as children need time with other children, adults need time with other adults. Tell them that even though they’re the most important people in your life, you’re going to start dating so you can have the companionship and enjoyment of someone your own age. Don’t expect them to be happy about it – they probably won’t be, for various reasons: they may have become over-attached and used to being the primary focus of your life, so may not want to share you with a new partner. They may still be harbouring the fantasy of their parents reuniting and your dating puts an end to that dream. They may have suffered multiple losses due to the divorce and feelings of abandonment and insecurity could resurface again. They’re likely to view your dating as a threat to their own personal time and experience with you.   When you feel a relationship is solid and it’s time to involve the children, make the introduction casual, friendly and preferably somewhere fun for the kids. The focus should be on an activity not “getting to know each other better.” Consider an outing to watch cricket or go to a concert, golf (if you don’t play, you can drive the cart) or ten pin bowling. Lower expectations about your child’s acceptance of your partner and be prepared for resistance and even hostility, understanding that just because you love a new partner, doesn’t mean your child will. The only stipulation at the first meeting is for the child to show basic good manners and friendliness. Liking and even loving may come over time.   Depending on the age and maturity of the child, encourage your children to be open, ask questions and talk about feelings. Don’t seek their approval of your new partner because this can encourage manipulation and ultimately gives kids an unhealthy sense of responsibility for the relationship. Emphasise your continued unconditional love and commitment to them and always follow through on promises about “alone” time and other family and social obligations. At the same time, don’t minimise the importance of your new love interest, or when your child eventually discovers you’re in love, they may feel that you’ve broken their trust and betrayed them – just when trust and reassurance are most needed. Be attentive to their reactions as you introduce your new partner into the family – kids can be very perceptive!   Once children have been introduced to your new love interest, limit time you and your partner spend with them as a group. Gradually increase time together as your partner and children get to know each other and feel more comfortable around each other. If your new partner has kids they’ll also appreciate a slow transition towards togetherness. Resist plunging into a busy instant family mode where everyone is always together and the children are forced to spend time with each other. Be sure to spend regular “alone” time with your children, without your new partner, to reassure them that they’re still very important to you. Time spent exclusively focused on them reduces their anxiety about being displaced as well as jealousy due to another important person taking time and attention. Children need to be reminded that even though you’re dating they are your top priority. Alone time creates an opportunity for you to talk and to listen.   Set boundaries around physical displays of affection in front of children. These should be limited, especially around teenagers, who are often embarrassed by the reality of their parent’s sexuality. Overnights with dates should be confined to nights when the children are out of the house; remember you are a role model for the kids, so be mindful of your sexual behaviour.   Never say bad things about your former spouse to your child, especially in front of your new boyfriend/girlfriend. They will always remain the father/ mother of your child, so talk about them respectfully or your child may become resentful and angry with you. Also, never criticise your child in front of your new partner – it’ll just make them feel insecure and less important than your new flame.   It may take time, but it is possible to merge your family and your partner’s family together peacefully and harmoniously. Try to spend some time with children from both sides of the relationship together doing enjoyable activities. This will help to build relationships and create a sense of family for everyone. While your children might not think of your significant other as their parent, they can still have a deep respect and love for them over time. Emphasise to your kids that you’re not trying to replace their biological mother or father, but that you’re just trying to include new people you love and care for in all of your lives. It can turn out wonderfully if everyone is willing to make the effort. Handling children with sensitivity and compassion and ensuring you set reasonable boundaries could mean the difference between an unhappy

Mia Von Scha

Cultivating Confidence

Our kids are living in a very different world to the one we grew up in. Gone are the days of walking to friends, taking buses to school, riding bikes around the neighbourhood, staying out until dark. For the most part our kids are dropped and carried, continuously supervised and never leave our sight. Of course there are advantages and disadvantages to both, but the one thing that all this constant supervision does is erodes a child’s sense of confidence. They don’t get a chance to show their independence, to tackle things for themselves, to take responsibility. So how can we cultivate a sense of confidence in our children and still keep them safe in an uncertain world? We need to create experiences for our children where they can feel that they are operating in and mastering the adult world on their own. Small moments can make all the difference. Here are some ideas to get you going, but I encourage you to do some brainstorming, start a discussion with friends, hop onto the Internet, and add to this list. When in a place where you feel safe to do so, allow your kids to leave you and meet up again. For example, when I visit my chiropractor, who operates from a quiet building, I let the kids take the lift and I take the stairs and meet them at the top. Let them drive the car! Obviously this needs to be in an appropriate place (in a game reserve, abandoned parking lot etc.), but letting kids control a machine like a car really boosts their sense of accomplishment. Let them sit on your lap and steer if they’re still small, or if they’re a bit older, let them take control. Children blossom when you place trust in them to do things that are ‘beyond their age’. We go to Magaliesburg regularly and allow our kids (age 6 and 8) to drive the car in the reserve. They talk about it for weeks afterwards. Treat your children as equals. Let them use the same crockery and cutlery as the rest of the family. Trusting young children with sharp knives, for instance, is a good confidence booster. They will need some ground-rules to prevent accidents, but this also teaches responsibility. Our kids have been using Victorinox knives since the age of 4. Don’t hold your kids’ hands through everything that they do. Wait outside the shop and let your child go in and purchase something for themselves, park outside the library and let them go in and choose books on their own, encourage them to ask other adults questions when they need something instead of doing it for them. Let your kids do some ‘dangerous’ things – play with fire, use power tools, climb trees, burn things with a magnifying glass, throw darts, climb on the roof, change a tyre, tightrope walk, blow things up. If I think about my own childhood we made our own go-carts and raced them on public roads, we made home-made bombs, played in the mud, burned things, jumped off the roof, used sharp knives to make spears out of sticks, camped in the garden, did woodworking, climbed trees and swam in rivers. There is no reason that our kids can’t still have some of these essential experiences. They’ll learn a lot more than sitting indoors doing homework or playing on an iPad. Let your kids live a little. Yes, it’s scary as a parent to let go of some control. Yes, they may get hurt and may even need some stitches or Burnshield here and there. Yes, they may damage some stuff. But they may just surprise you and rise to the challenges that they face and gain some confidence and self-esteem and maybe even have some fun along the way!

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