Toddler - Parenting Hub

Advice from the experts

A Pragmatic Response to Bullying

No parent wants to see their child suffer at the hands of a bully. As much as we would like to shield them from horrible people, as parents, we have to be realistic. Our job is to prepare our kids for life in the real world and that means helping them learn how to cope with mean people. The problem is that most parents don’t know how to actually help their kids aside from general platitudes like – stand up for yourself or ignore them. The question is, how does a modern educated parent approach the subject of bullying? We want more than theories and platitudes. We want a pragmatic approach that will actually work for our children. It turns out that there is a very pragmatic approach that really does work. It is a compassionate approach based on the science of behavioral management. I studied cognitive psychology in college and spent time in a dolphin cognition research lab. While there I learned about operant and classical conditioning. The way you extinguish a behavior in an animal using operant conditioning is the same way you get a bully to stop. Not by punishing bad behavior, but by not rewarding it. It turns out that animals and bullies treat negative reinforcement as reinforcement. In order to get bullying to stop, you need to not reinforce the bully at all. This is hard to do because, bullies are really good at getting you to respond, that’s why they do what they do. What we need to teach our children is practical things they can do and say that will help them respond without rewarding the bully. It isn’t enough to say – stand up for yourself or ignore them. Kids need to be told specifically, here is what you need to say, and here is how you say it, now let’s practice it so you can say it under the pressure of active bullying. Most kids can pick up these skills pretty quickly when presented in such a pragmatic way. The key to this approach is to help your child develop a neutral emotional response to the actions of a bully. The best way to do that is to practice and cultivate compassion. It’s hard to do because we are often so involved in our own hurt that we don’t want to let go enough to think compassionately about others. But it is precisely when we let go of our hurt that we are able to respond in a more neutral way because, we are no longer thinking about our pain, we are now thinking about the pain of another. Compassion really is a powerful emotion. Finally, what we know from behavior research is that it isn’t enough to not reward a bully; you have to actually be prepared for what is known as an extinction burst or a blowout. Basically, when you take away an animal’s reward, they don’t give it up without a fight. They work harder and become more aggressive to get their reward. In other words, when you stop reinforcing a bully, they get more aggressive for a period of time before they give up their bad behavior. This well-known extinction dynamic is the main reason why most kids give up trying to get bullying to stop. They make a good faith effort to do what the adults counsel them to do, it makes their problem worse, not better, so they give up. However, when a child is told to expect this escalation as natural part of the process of eliminating the behavior, they are better equipped to handle the escalation and ride it out until it goes away. Again, they key to doing this successfully is having the right frame of mind and that requires compassion.

March 20, 2017

Why Playgrounds are so Important

Slip, slide, bump, bash, climb, wibble and wobble! Who knew so much fun could be so valuable?! Having access to a safe, clean and developmentally appropriate playground can have far reaching benefits for the leaders of tomorrow! In an age where there is a tendency for little ones to be involved in more sedentary play, it is becoming increasingly important for caregivers to make opportunities available for climbing, swinging, sliding and balancing. This kind of invaluable play can help to strengthen your child’s core muscles needed for sitting endurance and task completion. Our children are becoming accustomed to getting what they want easily and quickly, and thus “practice makes perfect” is not always inherently part of growing up. In the past, when children spent many hours entertaining themselves, often outdoors, skills such as endurance, frustration tolerance, creative problem solving, perseverance and the ability to apply initiative were part of growing up. While our faster-paced world has provided amazing new opportunities to connect our children and expand their life space globally, technology has led to more time spent indoors, often sitting or lying down in front of a screen! Playgrounds provide opportunities to move in many different planes and ways. Our movement sense sends information to our brain which provides our muscles with the information needed to stretch and contract appropriately in order to negotiate obstacles and balance on unstable surfaces. The way in which this movement is completed (successfully or unsuccessfully), in turn, feeds back into our brain to help plan and refine our next set of movements. The brain tells the muscles what to do, but the senses enable the brain to do the telling. The ability to come up with an idea for movement, plan and then execute that movement smoothly and efficiently is called motor planning. Motor planning is essential for a child to learn any new tasks. It affects how efficiently a child tackles this new task, and thus will impact how quickly he can master and complete it. A child who struggles with motor planning may often stand on the side lines and watch other children play before feeling confident enough to join in. He may also be hesitant to try new movements and prefer to stick to what he knows. This is why it is important for children to have the opportunity to play at different play grounds, or be encouraged to use one piece of playground equipment in different ways. Climbing, pulling, pushing, and carrying weight over, under and through obstacles all provide the body with vital feedback about its position in space and how it is moving. This feeds into the child’s internal map of what his body looks and feels like. Your child needs a good body map when learning about depth perception and spatial concepts. Without this foundational skill, he may struggle later on to position his letters on a line, size his letters in relation to one another and grasp mathematical concepts. When a child is offered the opportunity to challenge his body and test the limits of what he can and cannot do, he will develop the ability to use the two sides of his body in a smooth and coordinated way. Many everyday tasks rely heavily on the ability to use both sides of our brain to effectively complete complex movements, from brushing our hair, buttering our bread and tying our shoelaces to cutting, ruling a line with a ruler and riding a bicycle. Clambering over carefully thought-out playground equipment can challenge and develop these skills. Initially children may find playgrounds daunting and need some help to explore the adventures that lie inherently therein. Do not be too tempted to pick your child up and simply place him where he wants to be! Try offering him a foothold, and simply give him some verbal cues or allow him some time to watch you or other children climb and play. There is so much learning potential in moving from one spot on a playground to another, e.g. getting from the ground up the ladder to the fireman’s pole! Often in our bid to help our children, we sometimes rob them of that opportunity to figure it out for themselves. Rather help him just as much as he needs and remember to praise his effort and not simply his success! Often younger children will need a few trips to the same playground before they are confident to attempt some of the climbing by themselves. Sometimes just having you close by is enough motivation. If he is hesitant about a particular part of the playground, check that it is not too hot, rough or unstable for him! Some newer playgrounds offer interesting and varied textures and surfaces for little hands and feet! Where possible, encourage him to take his shoes and socks off to allow for easier climbing and a fuller sensory experience.

February 23, 2017

Introducing BabyLine

Parenting is a joy but it can also be overwhelming and just a little daunting. There is no degree or diploma, you are simply launched into it and there’s a steep learning curve. You instantly have a new life depending on you and, combined with sleep deprivation, the challenges of adjusting to being a parent and wanting to do the best for your child, you need all the help you can get. Bonitas Medical Fund is doing just that with the launch of the first dedicated toddler’s health advice line, called Babyline, to its members. Here help is at hand, from professionals, as you take the necessary baby steps along the path of looking after the health of your toddler, up to the age of three. Essentially Babyline is a 24-hour children’s health advice line manned by paediatric trained registered nurses. They are on the other side of the phone to assist with any parental concerns, or health related issues, 24/7, 365 days of the year. ‘Parents are often confronted with a host of children’s health issues, particularly in the first three years. In an effort to help educate and support Bonitas moms and dads and to ensure their medical aid benefits last longer, we have partnered with Paed IQ’s babyline service,’ explains Bonitas Medical Fund. ‘The service was developed in conjunction with the Department of Paediatrics at the University of Pretoria and is based on a concept used by the top providers of child health advice in the USA.’ ‘The system of telephone advice, guarantees members instant and real time access to pre-eminent, professional advice and standardised paediatric protocols,’ explains Dr Iqbal Karbanee of Babyline. ‘Our aim is to give parents the best possible resources to help them maintain and improve the health of their child. It’s about giving anxious parents peace of mind when it comes to an urgent health concern and, hopefully, will also alleviate unnecessary trips to doctors or hospitals.’ How does it work? Bonitas parents, or their caregivers, simply call the Babyline number on 0860 999 121 to reach a paediatric trained nurse. Through a series of questions asked regarding the health issue, parents will be provided with professional advice on what to do next. Depending on the symptoms, the advice might be to head straight to the ER or to see a doctor or specialist. The nurse will advise which healthcare provider is the most appropriate, given the health issue. The services offered by the Babyline include: Home care advice Clinic/primary care/GP referral for the same day Clinic/primary care/GP referral for the following day After-hours care within the next six hours Immediate referral to the ER The Babyline service is available to members across all the Bonitas plans, for children under 3 years. ‘We do have to stress that although the Babyline is designed to assist parents with health concerns, nurses do not provide diagnosis or prescriptions. They are on call to offer advice on how best to deal with the current health problem or refer you to the nearest healthcare facility,’ concluded Bonitas Medical Fund.

February 15, 2017

Infant Food Fallacies – “Rice cereal is the best first food for baby.”

This is an excerpt from the “Unlearn” chapter in my book Mila’s Meals: The Beginning & The Basics. Disclaimer: As with everything concerning food there are two sides to any debate raging around every one of the topics in this chapter – both sides will be defended with scientific proof, and ‘absolute’ recommendations. I am merely presenting my beliefs formed by my research and first hand experience of both Mila’s, and my own digestive issues. I encourage you to do your own research should anything mentioned here not ‘sit well’ with you. I am not trying to convince you of anything – I simply hope to provide information, and at the very least prompt you to question what has previously or otherwise been presented as absolute fact and truth. “I’ve got to say I was fooled by this – by the clever marketing of the food companies and by the advice of the clinic sister. I fed her rice cereal (organic – but that really did not help the situation much). Poor thing! I stopped as quickly as I started (her tummy cramps were too awful after that first meal) and, this is why… Food has to be broken down into its nutrient components: amino acids, fatty acids, cholesterol, simple sugars, vitamins, minerals, etc. – our bodies absorb nutrients, not food. The body produces digestive enzymes that break down our food into nutrients. These nutrients are then absorbed and nourish the body. Digestive enzymes are produced in the pancreas, small intestine, saliva glands and stomach. Different digestive enzymes are needed to break down different types of food. In order to digest grains, your body uses an enzyme called amylase. Guess what? Pancreatic amylase is not produced by your little one (in sufficient quantities) until they are a year old – sometimes even later. The rule of thumb here is that it is not until your little one’s molar teeth are fully developed that they have sufficient quantities of pancreatic amylase to properly digest grains – this can be anywhere from 13 – 24 months of age. Amylase is provided in a mother’s breast milk and is produced by your little one’s saliva – but these are not sufficient to properly digest grains. Especially processed grains, or grains that have not been prepared properly. So what happens to this undigested rice cereal (or other grains)? Some undigested food (from other vegetable carbohydrate sources) benefits your little one – fermentation in the colon produces short chain fatty acids, which can improve nutrient absorption, enhance gut health, and even be used as a source of energy for both the microbes and baby. But since grains (especially) cannot be adequately digested, they start rotting. This rotting food matter feeds pathogenic bacteria and fungi (such as Candida) – and this imbalance can lead to food allergies, asthma, eczema, and other autoimmune disorders. Over time, the pathogenic bacteria and fungi (and their toxic by-products) create holes in the gut wall (known as Leaky Gut). A leaky gut allows toxins and partially digested food to spill directly into the blood creating an unpredictable mix of physical, behavioural, emotional and neurological symptoms. This is explained in great detail in Dr. Natasha Campbell-McBride’s book Gut and Psychology Syndrome. What else is wrong with commercially available rice cereal? Rice cereal is processed – meaning it is no longer a whole food. In order for the cereal to have a longer shelf life, the bran and the germ (the most nutritious parts) have been removed, simultaneously stripping the grain of its protein, fibre, nutrients and minerals. Artificial vitamins have to then be added back in – these are far less bio-available to your little one’s body and a poor replacement for nature’s version. Rice cereal is an extremely high glycaemic food – that is, it spikes the blood sugar. Rice cereal contains phytates (the salt form of phytic acid). Phytic acid is a naturally occurring chemical in grains, nuts and seeds. Phytic acid binds to essential minerals (such as calcium, copper, iron, zinc, and magnesium) in the digestive tract, making them less available to our bodies – and actually flushing them out of our bodies. While the majority of the phytic acid (or phytates) are found in the bran of the rice (which is removed during processing), there will still be some present. So, eating processed rice cereal may actually remove iron, zinc, calcium and magnesium from your little one’s body! Phytates also reduce the digestibility of starches, proteins, and fats. Please note that simply grinding grains at home and cooking them will result in an even higher amount of phytates in your little one’s food. All grains, nuts and seeds must be soaked, sprouted or fermented before cooking in order to break down the phytic acid. Please see the chapter Convenience vs. Conscience: Enzymes, Nutrients and Anti-nutrients in my book for more information on this. Commercial rice cereal fortified with iron. But surely this is a good thing? A baby is born with sufficient iron reserves to last them until they are 6 months old. While a mother’s breast milk is low in iron, the iron that is present is readily absorbed by her little one – as opposed to the artificial sources of iron found in fortified cereals and formula. While your little one may need additional sources of iron at the age of 6 months, it is far better to provide this from whole foods as opposed to supplemental drops or an additive in a nutrient deficient food. Good sources of additional iron are liver (raw), other cooked meat, blackstrap molasses, avocado and… soil! No, I am not suggesting you feed your little one soil, but the iron from soil is absorbed by the body. So a mouthful here and there while playing outside, as well as digging in the soil and walking barefoot is beneficial. Healthy soil is also a great source of probiotics! By healthy soil – I mean organic, not chemically fertilised and with

February 7, 2017

Healthy skin tips for your little one

Glossy magazines keep us well-informed on keeping adult skin moisturised, cared for and looking beautiful. When it comes to our children, especially babies, looking after their skin is just as vital, if not more important. “When our children enter this world, we are armed with equipment that took much care and consideration to select. The same care and consideration needs to be taken for your child’s skincare products,” says Su-Marie Annandale, Krayons’ brand manager. Krayons’ baby skin care products have been providing South African babies and children with the necessary products to keep their skin protected for over 20 years. “Healthy baby skin is just as important to Krayons as it is for parents,” says Annandale. When bringing your little one home from the hospital, and even as they grow, Annandale provides 5 tips on how to keep your baby’s skin healthy: Although babies love playing in the bath, and splashing about – limiting the time they spend in the bath can help keep their skin from drying out. Make every second or third day “fun” bath time, and the others can be short washes. After bath time, keep your little one moisturised. Using Krayons’ Aqueous Cream after every wash accompanied by a soft and gentle baby massage will give your little one’s skin all it needs to be kept moisturised throughout the day. It is recommended that you wash your baby’s new clothes and linen before use, but be sure to use a gentle fabric conditioner that will ensure that baby’s clothes are soft and won’t cause any skin irritations. Personal Touch boasts a Baby love variant which boasts the Krayons scent. It is soft and delicate, just like your baby’s skin. The weather outside dictates how your baby should be dressed to keep them comfortable and also to protect their skin, but no matter if it is hot or cold your baby needs to be protected from the sun. Your baby’s skin is too sensitive to be exposed to the harsh sun and needs to be kept covered. For more, like Krayons on Facebook: www.facebook.com/krayonsbabies

December 19, 2016

Ambidextrous kids – disorder or gift?

I watched a film once where the main character was completely ambidextrous – he could write a poem with one hand while drawing a picture with the other. How I would have loved to have a skill like that. So why is it that teachers push kids to choose a dominant hand? The reason teachers and OTs will encourage a child into one-handed dominance is predominantly for practical reasons in the classroom – the sooner they choose a hand, the sooner they perfect their control with that hand, and the sooner they will learn to write quickly and efficiently. I strongly disagree with this. The majority of children will naturally slip into right or left dominance at around 7 or 8 years of age and shouldn’t be forced into writing exercises before the body is naturally ready. Unfortunately this doesn’t fit in with the school curriculum, which requires kids to be practicing pre-writing skills from as early as 3 or 4. Very very few children are truly ambidextrous (and usually this only happens when one hand is injured for a period of time or some other environmental factor), but there are a fair amount who are mixed-handed (i.e. They will tend to use one hand for certain tasks and another hand for different tasks e.g. Writing with the right hand and cutting with the left hand). The schools will try to discourage this as sometimes it slows kids down as they’re still trying to decide which hand to use for what and not getting on with the task at hand. There are some things that will be helped by choosing a dominant hand – for example crossing the midline or bilateral integration, but these can easily be included in a child’s life with some simple exercises to ensure that they don’t miss out on any brain integration that may come from choosing one hand as dominant and using the other as a helper. For example, pushing a car round a track, holding the car with one hand and the track with the other; reaching over the body to grab something on the opposite side of the body; holding paper with one hand and cutting it with the other; or my personal favourite, playing “Twister”. In OT they will essentially do these kinds of exercises with a child, but it will cost you. If you hop onto Google you can find plenty of exercises like these and do them yourself. You can have a lot of fun and your child never needs to wonder about why he/she is in “therapy”. Most researchers on the subject agree that it is useful for everyone to sometimes try using their less-preferred hand for tasks normally done with the dominant hand as it improves brain function and dexterity! Being mixed-handed can also have great advantages in sports like baseball and snooker where you can switch hands to get a better shot. The only real concern with a child who isn’t naturally finding a dominant hand is a learning disorder known as dysgraphia, which involves problems with motor skills. This disorder would not only affect their ability to choose a hand to write with, but would also manifest with other noticeable problems such as struggling with the concepts of right and left, difficulty catching a ball or skipping or even basic motor movements like walking and jumping. It is unlikely that your child would have problems of this nature without you noticing them and they definitely would be picked up in an assessment with an OT if you choose to have one. The other thing to consider is that your child may be gifted. Around 48% of gifted children are ambidextrous at some stage of their development. Take a look at some of the other criteria for gifted kids and if you think your child is, then it is definitely worth getting an IQ test done as gifted children do need additional stimulation in order for them to develop optimally. · Unusual alertness, even in infancy · Excellent memory · Learn to speak early and have an unusually large vocabulary and complex sentence structure for their age · Understand word nuances, metaphors and abstract ideas · Enjoy solving problems, especially with numbers and puzzles · Often self-taught reading and writing skills as preschooler · Highly sensitive · Thinking is abstract, complex, logical, and insightful · Idealism and sense of justice at early age · Longer attention span and intense concentration if something interest them · Preoccupied with own thoughts—daydreamer · Learn basic skills quickly and with little practice (1-3 repetitions) · Asks probing questions · Wide range of interests (or extreme focus in one area) · Highly developed curiosity · Interest in experimenting and doing things differently · Puts idea or things together that are not typical · Keen and/or unusual sense of humor · Desire to organize people/things through games or complex schemas · Vivid imaginations (and imaginary playmates when in preschool) If your child is still in preschool, he/she may just not be ready to choose a dominant hand and making a child ‘wrong’ for this seems unfair and unnecessary. Ultimately you will have to make a decision based on your own child whether your child would benefit from having an assessment or if it is worth waiting to see what naturally develops. Please remember to trust yourself. You know your child better than any teacher or therapist and if you feel that their opinion is incorrect, trust that. You can always get a second opinion or even just hold off on getting an opinion at all. Whether your child’s ambidexterity is a gift or a disorder is often determined by how it is handled, and that is up to you as the parent.

December 15, 2016

Flying with kids? Remember your tablets and rooibos

As the December holidays loom, many of us are planning some well-earned family time. Reconnecting with loved ones often involves travelling by air and for those of us with kids, that prospect can fill us with dread. It needn’t be that way, says Shaun Pozyn, Head of Marketing at British Airways (operated by Comair), who offers these timely tips for managing youngsters in the air and en route to your destination. Give yourself enough time: rushing while trying to marshal kids and their kit can be harrowing and conjures images of Kevin McCallister (played by Macaulay Culkin) being left abandoned by his family in the 1990 comedy, Home Alone. One way to score yourself a little time is by using apps like ba.com to check your family in online. Know the rules: documentation requirements when flying domestically are fairly simple: you need to carry identification. But if you’re travelling internationally with children you need an unabridged copy of their birth-certificates. Get the squad to help: the cabin-crew are your allies, so don’t be afraid to ask them for assistance. You can, for example, use a push-chair to the door of the aircraft, and on international flights, infants can be accommodated in bassinettes. Take your tablets: mobile devices can largely alleviate the need for toys, and picture-editing apps like Prisma, or games like MineCraft can temporarily replace Lego, for example, which can be lost in the cabin. Just make sure your devices are charged and consider investing in a power-bank to ensure that have plenty of power. Handle the pressure: one of the major irritants for small children and infants when flying is pressurisation. This is because their ears haven’t fully developed yet, so they can’t equalise changes in air-pressure when the aircraft ascends and descends. Swallowing and chewing can help with this, so depending on the child’s age, drinking fluids or snacking on chewy foods can help. Foods with less sugar can help prevent the child from becoming too energetic: opt for biltong, fruit-rolls, nuts and fruit-juice diluted with rooibos tea rather than sweets and cool-drink. Don’t plan too much: travelling can be very exciting for kids, but too many activities in one stint can leave them tetchy and overstimulated. If a child is enjoying a particular pastime – working on a travel-log to document their journey, say – leave them to it. That can also give you, the parent, the chance for a welcomed breather. See: http://www.britishairways.com/en-gb/information/family-travel for more information.

December 14, 2016

10 Reasons to homeschool

You know someone who knows someone who teaches their children at home and you’ve read a few articles on the topic, but it’s not something you’ve seriously thought about, is it? If not, here are 10 reasons you should consider home educating your children. (Yes, it is legal and yes, you can do it!) It is centred on your child’s learning pace: Home education allows parents to meet their children’s individual learning needs. Whether you spend extra time on concepts your child finds challenging or move ahead in areas that are more quickly understood, all learning happens at your child’s pace. It promotes one-to-one interaction: Having a dedicated educator means that your child can ask questions without fear of being judged by peers, and they can receive help with difficulties as and when they arise. It offers a safe learning environment: Parents often turn to home education to avoid school bullying and violence, negative peer pressure, unwanted influences, substance abuse and other factors that impact on their child’s wellbeing and education. It offers flexibility: You don’t need to follow a specific curriculum and you don’t need to follow a typical school day – you can teach anywhere! It fits with your family’s beliefs: If your family has philosophical, ideological or religious objections to traditional schooling, home education offers the perfect alternative. It supports children with health concerns or special needs: Children who can’t attend school regularly due to illness or who are recovering from critical health events can benefit greatly from home education. The same applies to children with special learning needs, who tend to cope better in their home environment with a familiar caregiver as their educator. It builds stronger family bonds: Many families believe that home education helps foster closer family relationships and a stronger family unit while instilling core values. It encourages the development of broader social skills: While traditional schooling forces children into an artificial network of same-aged peers, home educated children mix with people of different ages, resulting in broader social skills. It increases independence: Children who are educated at home work individually, measuring themselves against their own performance and not a class average. As such, they learn to identify their own strengths and weaknesses, and to take responsibility for their performance. It solves distance and quality problems: If you live far from schools – or simply far from a good school that meets your child’s needs – home education offers the ideal alternative. By choosing to teach your children at home you are not only investing in their emotional, social, physical and intellectual development, you also get to accompany them on their journey to adulthood every step of the way. Impak is a curriculum provider for home, tutor and school education. Visit www.impak.co.za for more information

December 8, 2016

Children and Technology

By Juazel de Villiers (née Pieterse), Clinical Psychologist Technology has become integrated in our daily lives, it has grown to be our means of communication, socialising, planning and working. However, it is important not to become desensitized to the effect technology or ‘screen time’ can have on our family, and especially our children. Screen time refers to watching television, playing computer games or entertainment on a phone, tablet, etc. For many of the questions parents have around technology, the first most important factor to take into account is the family circumstances, each family is unique, and so are their needs and responses to technology. The various limits will be influenced by the personality, characteristics and needs of each child and parent. That being said, there has been a notable increase in research regarding technology and family life, which can be used to guide each family in finding the healthy balance needed. The biggest consideration in the use of technology is how much is too much. Screen time should be monitored and limited where possible. Recent research has shown that children under the age of two should preferably not have screen time of any nature. Research has further shown that educational baby programmes have not been as beneficial as previously thought, or to a degree that counteracts the negative consequences of screen time for babies and toddlers. Children between two and eight should be limited to one-hour screen time per day, and those older than eight should be limited to a maximum of two hours of screen time per day. These limits should not be viewed as the recommended amount of screen time, but rather a maximum amount of time, less than one-hour screen time is still preferable. One of the reasons why this is of such importance, is because of the lack of other stimulation that children receive if they spend too much time with technology. Enhancing childhood development has become somewhat of a catch phrase, yet the different areas of development is not always recognised. It is important for children to move, in other words be physically active; movement is not only important for physical development but also for neurological (brain) development. Children also have a need for personal family interaction, social skills development apart from technology, writing skills development without a keyboard, and so forth. Early childhood is especially important for the very young child to develop social interactions with face-to-face contact. It is also of great importance for them to have extended periods of creative play to develop language, problem solving skills and their imagination. The increased time that children spend on technology not only takes away from other skill development, but it has also been linked to an increase in a wide variety of childhood difficulties, examples include increased weight gain, occurrence of anxiety and difficulties with concentration. This is one of the difficulties or challenges that Skidz Clever Activity Boxes has attempted to address. The boxes and curriculums provide parents not only with information on development, but also with a structured programme as an alternative to screen time which encourages healthy development across a range of areas. The other important consideration that needs to be made when using technology is whether or not parents should know their children’s passwords. Parents want to be able to demonstrate their trust in their children, and as a result they are often reluctant to invade their child’s privacy by insisting on knowing their children’s passwords. However, it can be of great importance to know the password, as children and adolescents are especially vulnerable to the dangers of technology. Technology has been amazing in creating a world where we are easily connected to one another, where information is ‘at our fingertips’, but this information could easily be about your child. During the childhood and teenage years, the responsibility of the parents is to protect their children, and to teach them right and wrong. The expectation is that the child or teenager is still learning and not yet able to protect themselves from the various challenges and dangers they are exposed to. The same way you would not leave your child alone in a strange home with people you do not know, it is unsafe to leave your child ‘alone’ in the world of technology. By knowing their password, you are able to learn about what environment they are in, it allows the parent to access the information that their child is being exposed to, to know who their child is interacting with, and if their child is safe. In the same manner, it is important for parents to supervise the use of technology and what their child is accessing or watching during screen time. Parents are advised to always supervise when their children are engaged in screen time and to make us of filters and blockers. Young children often click on the ‘flashing button’ without being able to, or taking time to, read where it could take them, it is for this reason that it is very important to ensure that you as parent take time to familiarise yourself with how the filters and blockers work. Without the proper control and supervision, the benefit parents often cite of technology ‘keeping your child entertained with minimal supervision through screen time’, can also be the biggest danger of screen time. Background of Juazel de Villiers (née Pieterse), Clinical Psychologist The Psychology Practice of Juazel Pieterse was started in 2013 by Juazel, a Clinical Psychologist. At the practice we provide psychological intervention for a range of psychological difficulties, including depression, anxiety, stress, adhd, autism, family difficulties, parenting skills and support, change of life difficulties, and so forth. Our focus varies between prevention and treatment as needed. Our passion is to work with individuals, groups and the community to create awareness of psychological difficulties and well-being. References: Graber, D (2015) How much ‘Screen time’ is too much? Why that is the wrong questions. Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/diana-graber/how-much-screen-time-is-too-much-why-thats-the-wrong-question_b_7285212.html Powell, A (2015) Keeping an eye screen

November 29, 2016

Developing reading skills to help children triumph against dyslexia

There were two important educational issues in the local and international spotlight during September and October 2016: Literacy Day, observed on 8 September 2016, and Dyslexia Awareness Month, which is observed annually during October. In support of Dyslexia Awareness Month, Edublox reading, maths and learning clinic examines the surprising root cause of dyslexia and shares tips on how parents can address their child’s reading difficulties. ‘The importance of literacy to prosperity and democracy in South Africa’ was a topic discussed at a Literacy Day breakfast event and panel discussion, hosted by the educational development programme, help2read. Panellists highlighted some of the key issues and challenges faced by the South African early education sector. According to Dr Nick Taylor, former CEO and current head of Education Evaluation and Research at the Joint Education Trust, the country’s most urgent educational priority is to promote reading and schooling from an early age, as brain sensitivity for the development of children’s foundational language skills is the greatest in the first few years of life. A study by Van der Berg supports this statement in concluding that potential access to university is already largely predetermined by Grade 4*. Susan du Plessis, Director of Educational Programmes at Edublox, explains that the issues around the promotion of basic literacy skills and creating awareness around dyslexia are more intertwined than many might think. “Reading difficulties are a major culprit when children experience learning difficulties. Often, a variety of symptoms are simply grouped together, diagnosed and labelled under the umbrella term ‘dyslexia’ – a word feared and dreaded by many parents. We believe that a strong focus on the development of foundational reading skills can be the key to unlocking learning potential in all children – including those diagnosed with the problem,” she adds. “An understanding of the causes of dyslexia can help parents support their children in overcoming it,” says Du Plessis. “Two important facts are especially relevant: firstly, that reading is not a natural or instinctive process, but an acquired skill that must be taught. Secondly, parents must remember that learning is a stratified process, during which one skill has to be acquired first, before it becomes possible to acquire subsequent skills. At the heart of this process and as the bottom rung of the ‘reading ladder’, is language. Skills, like visual processing, auditory processing and auditory memory form the second rung of this ladder, and must be taught first,” she explains. Du Plessis shares some tips on how parents can help children prevent and overcome reading difficulties: Since language plays a vital role in reading, it is important to provide children with enough opportunities to hear language from infancy. If your child is experiencing problems like letter reversals, difficulties with letter order, poor comprehension, mispronunciations and poor recall, the best approach is to take immediate action. Approach a professional reading clinic specialising in cognitive development that focuses on aspects like concentration, perceptual skills, memory, and logical thinking. Before setting up a meeting with an educational practitioner, it often helps to list your observations and your concerns. Be sensitive toward a dyslexic child or a slow reader’s feelings. Most children look forward to learning to read and do so relatively quickly. For these children, however, the experience is very different. For them, reading, which seems to come effortlessly for everyone else, appears to be beyond their grasp. Parents can breathe a sigh of relief as children’s academic performance can improve despite dyslexia. Abigail de Robillard, a mom from Durban, enrolled her dyslexic son at a reputable reading clinic and noted a change. De Robillard highlighted improvements in his overall self-confidence, his ability to manage schoolwork on his own, and his overall reading and concentration after just one term. “Dyslexia is a learning barrier – and I now truly believe that through hard work, the clinic will break these barriers and allow my son to harness all his real gifts, talents and abilities to be all that he can be, and above all, happy,” she says. Edublox is a leading specialist in cognitive development with 26 reading and learning clinics across Southern Africa. Edublox offers multisensory cognitive training, aimed at developing and automatising the foundational skills of reading, spelling and Mathematics. For more information about Edublox, visit www.edublox.co.za or contact 0861-EDUBLOX / 0861 338 256.

November 24, 2016

Choosing a Preschool

As a first time mom, finding and choosing a school for my daughter was one of the most daunting things I had to do. I had no idea what to look for, how to screen for potential problems, or even what the law was regarding the qualifications of teachers and preschool owners. And so my poor child, and then the next child too, got moved from school to school almost yearly before I decided to homeschool. So let me just say, from the outset, that every school will have its problems. There is no such thing as a perfect school, but there may just be a perfect school for you and your child – one where they don’t bother about things that are not on your priority list and do care about the same things as you. If I were to do it all again, I would do the following: I would make a list of what was important to ME in terms of childcare. For example, it is important to me that my kids eat nutritious food and not junk, that their caregivers are caring and not overly disciplinarian, that there is no shaming or naughty corners or physical punishment, and that kids are allowed to be kids and have lots of free play. I would absolutely INSIST on spending a week at the preschool with my child. Most schools discourage this as they say the kids settle quicker if the parents are not around, but a small child cannot articulate problems to you when they arise. I would like to see for myself how certain issues are handled. For example, at one school my kids were at I found out years later that if they cried they were shamed by being put into nappies. I knew my daughter was unhappy at the school (the school kept telling me she was very happy there) but she was only 4 and couldn’t express what it was that was bothering her. I would hang around at the end of the day and chat to parents of kids who are already in the school. Of course the school will tell you they are marvelous, but you may get a different picture from the parents. I would have a list of questions for them such as what they like most and least about the school, if they’ve ever had an issue with a teacher and how the management handled it, etc. Get a broad overview from a number of people. I would find out what qualifications each of the teachers has and what additional training they are exposed to on a regular basis. We had one teacher who had never even heard of a sensory integration disorder and so was shaming my child for coming to preschool in her pyjamas when she was tactile defensive and literally couldn’t handle wearing much else. The same teacher used sarcasm with her class (telling them she would cut their tongues out if they spoke in class), something that children can only cognitively start to comprehend at around age 8. Teachers need to be up to date on current research, childcare philosophies, and childhood growth and development. Other questions I would ask the management would be around the size of the class, the teacher to child ratio, the teachers’ working hours, and even their salary if they will disclose that. I would want to know that the teachers are not overworked and underpaid and unhappy. And lastly, I would trust my instincts. This was a tough lesson that I learned through all of this – where I had a feeling that things were not ok and yet when I asked I was told that my children were happy and playing and everything was fine. You know your child. Trust that. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. And do not be afraid to change schools if you need to. Of course the ideal is to get your child into one school where they are happy and make friends and are settled, but kids can and do adapt to change. Rather keep looking until you are completely satisfied than settle for something less than ideal because you are afraid of making the change. For us, in the end, homeschooling was what best suited all of our needs, but that is also not for everyone. There are pros and cons to both and you need to look at your unique family, your own values and needs and then find the best solution for you. Good luck!

November 17, 2016

An open letter to divorcing parents

Dear Parents, Divorce/separation sucks for the simple reason that when two people get together and have children, they make plans to build a future together. They do not plan for an eventual separation. So when it eventually happens, everything as they know it, crumbles. Everything will be different, and that is scary as hell. Today, thanks to extensive resources available, providing a wealth of information on all aspects of separation and referencing many people having gone through a separation before, separating parents are being presented with more options to separate with less trauma, and receive more knowledge on how to face and proceed mindfully with this life changing event. It gifts them a head start to engage on this journey in a manner that will not only allow them to move forward with less anger and bitterness, but mostly in sparing their children from broken childhood memories. Yet, there is increasing evidence of a rise in parental conflicts, court battles, evasion of parental roles and responsibilities, and using the children to control certain outcomes of their agreements not being met. Life is a never ending learning process. To discard available information and valuable support, is choosing to be a victim of your circumstances. Yes, a separation is distressing and hard on a person. It can make you feel like there is little justice and that life isn’t fair, but it should not become an excuse to waste your life focusing on a dream that did not materialise. Instead, evaluate if your conflicts are about hurting your ex or rather hurting your sons and daughters, because your conflicts are wounding your children in ways they cannot control. Recognise that there is in fact no problem. What you see as a problem is actually a change of direction. It’s not the end, it’s not a beginning. It’s a transition that allows you to plan for some different and new life choices. The time has come for separating and separated parents to address the crisis their families are in when going through a divorce/separation. Parents who are hostage to an acrimonious battle over custody and/or maintenance are not fighting for what is in the best interest of their children, they are out to hurt and destroy each other, no matter who stands in the cross fire. It is time to raise awareness that being in control of your emotions is the solution to forgiveness and healing, so that you can mend, and not destroy, your children’s families. The time is now to change the way you, parents, separate, so that you can give your sons and daughters a life which feels normal being happy and not which feels normal being broken. The Law doesn’t raise children, parents do! Nadia Thonnard

November 16, 2016

8 Kid-Friendly Yoga Poses for Peaceful Mornings

As parents, getting our sons and daughters out the door every morning can be a monumental task. Whether it is getting them to eat their breakfast, tie their shoes, find their homework, or brush their teeth, something inevitably goes wrong. However, by taking a few minutes everyday to teach our kids yoga, we can help our kids stretch, strengthen their cores, and naturally clear their minds. This can make a big difference in how our children’s and even our own day unfolds. Why Yoga For A Peaceful Morning? Each morning is a new day offering us the possibility to teach our kids confidence, relaxation techniques, and help them be a little more grounded as they start the day. Yoga offers to help our kids release pent up tension and emotions, while helping them physically. In addition, yoga can be done with the whole family, within a matter of minutes, without requiring a gym or host of athletic equipment. Adding yoga to our routines can help us all be more mindful throughout the day.. Yoga teaches our children to breathe, re-center, and notice their emotions, which is a life skill that they can carry with them into adulthood. Not only is yoga good for the soul, but research has repeatedly proven exercise helps kids perform in the classroom. Oh, and did we mention that it’s fun! 8 Kid-Friendly Yoga Poses for Peaceful Mornings Introducing our boys and girls to yoga while they are young is beneficial and helps them develop lifelong healthy habits. Whether you watch a child centered yoga class online or create your own workout, remember to have children breathe as they move. For example, stretch on inhale and release their muscles while breathing out. Listed below are poses to get the entire family started: The Sunrise and Sunset Pose. Stand tall and take 3 to 5 deep breaths. On the last inhale, raise your arms above your head and press your legs into the ground. Stretch your spine up, toward the sky. On exhale, bend at your waist and bring your upper body toward your feet, similar to diving in a swimming pool. Reach down as far as you comfortably can go and inhale again, slowly opening your arms as you stand, reaching for the clouds. Repeat 6 to 10 times. Help children see the resemblance to the rising and setting sun. The Mountain Pose. Once again, standing tall, press your feet down and straighten your spine. Slowly roll back your shoulders, bringing your palms together in front of your chest. Take several deep breaths. The Cat/Cow Pose. Get down on all fours, resembling a cat and cow. For the cat position, exhale and gently arch up your back with your head looking at your belly button. As you inhale, gently reverse your back and push your stomach to the ground for the cow. Exhale, and return to the cat pose. Repeat three or four more times. The Cobra Pose. Lay down on your stomach, stretching your legs back with the tops of your feet pressed on the floor so you resemble a snake. Spread your hands out and place them under your shoulders so you can raise your torso up. Stretch your head back to open the chest. Hold for 5 deep breathes. The Downward Facing Dog. You want to create a V shape by putting the palms of your hands on the ground and lifting your hips up toward the ceiling. As children get better at this, encourage them to straighten their legs or stand flat footed. The Fish. This pose resembles a fish jumping out of a river. Lay down onto your back and use your elbows to prop up your body, arching your chest up so your head rests on the floor. Hold for 3 to 4 breaths, coming down as you exhale. The Bridge Pose. While you are on your back, press your feet down into the earth and thrust your hips into the air. Hold for 3 to 4 breaths and come down slowly on an exhale. The Resting Pose. Lie down on your back and take in a deep breath. Exhale. Now, wiggle your body and then rest. As you breathe, imagine that you are filling up with a warm light that starts at your feet and spreads up your body slowly. When you are ready, sit up slowly. What yoga poses do you use with your children?

November 9, 2016

Four Ways We Teach Children – Can you think of others?

Asking Questions. Our children are smarter than we give them credit for. We are so worried that they are not going to do what is right, or we are in such a hurry that it just seems easier to give our children marching orders. But asking them questions is a far more effective teaching tool. Often, they know exactly what to do and when they come up with solutions to their own questions or challenges, it builds their problem-solving skills. I always encourage parents to refrain from telling their children what to do or from answering their questions so quickly. Instead, ask them questions such as “what do you think?” “what will you do now?” “what did you notice?” Asking children questions also builds their own confidence and strengthens their faith in themselves. Coaching. Taking the art of asking questions one step further, coaching adds two more elements that teach a child greater problem-solving skills: Telling a child what you see, and offering to help. Putting these three concepts together creates a powerful method for parenting that will build the child’s coping skills. You are not always going to be at your children’s side to protect them, so you have to arm them with the ability to cope and survive. Telling your children what you see provides a perspective that they can compare to their own assessment. Asking them questions invites creativity and solutions. And finally, offering to help gives them the courage to take on things that they might feel are too big for them; whether it’s putting on a bandage, choosing a book report project, or finding solutions to teen problems. Living Out Loud. Similar to living by example, this concept takes teaching one step further and works best with younger children. By living out loud, you seek opportunities to set an example by narrating what you’re doing. For example, you are watching television and your child is playing in the same room. You want your child to learn that television is not what life is all about and that it should be limited, so as you turn it off you say out loud for anyone to hear: “That’s enough television for me today.” If your spouse does something for you that demonstrates respect, say out loud: “I love it when mommy gets me a glass of water.” If you’re serving the meal and your child is at the table and watching, you could say: “Everyone gets a small serving of pasta because they need to leave room for the vegetables.” Using this narration will teach many wonderful messages about respectful living, boundaries and limits. Accomplishments. One final method for teaching your children is through the examples of your actions and individual accomplishments that will speak to them for many years. It is more than living by example and the things you do on a regular basis. It is about what you create that influences others. I think of these things as “our works” that contribute to making the world a better place to live. Doing so teaches children important lessons about the power we each have to give back to the world, and inspires them to do the same.

October 31, 2016

ADD/ ADHD And Alternative Treatments

Over the past years there have been many debates and controversy discussions around what Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is? Furthermore how it is diagnosed and what are all the options to treating the disorder? The definition of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) has been updated in the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). This revision is based on nearly two decades of research showing that ADHD, although a disorder that begins in childhood, can continue through adulthood for some people. Changes to the Disorder ADHD is characterized by a pattern of behaviour, present in multiple settings (e.g., school and home), that can result in performance issues in social, educational, or work settings. As in DSM-IV, symptoms will be divided into two categories of inattention and hyperactivity and impulsivity that include behaviours like failure to pay close attention to details, difficulty organizing tasks and activities, excessive talking, fidgeting, or an inability to remain seated in appropriate situations. Children must have at least six symptoms from either (or both) the inattention group of criteria and the hyperactivity and impulsivity criteria, while older adolescents and adults (over age 17 years) must present with five. Treatment options There are a number of treatment plans that are available to parents when making the appropriate decision when treating their child for ADD/ADHD. Nutritious meals, play, exercise, and learning better social skills are all part of a balanced treatment plan that can improve performance at school, improve your child’s relationships with others, and decrease stress and frustration. Pharmacological Treatment Stimulants such as Ritalin, Concerta and Adderall are often prescribed for attention deficit disorder. Such medications may help your child concentrate better or sit still, however there is a general debate as to whether or not medication is a ‘quick fix’ and what about the long term affects as well as immediate side effects of appetite suppression, insomnia and an overall change in the child’s personality? For some parents they have found medication to be the best result for their child, while others look for alternative treatments and see pharmacological treatment as the last resort. Homeopathy There are many other effective treatments that can help children as well as adults with ADD/ADHD to improve their ability to pay attention, control impulsive behaviour, and curb hyperactivity. According to Dr Raakhee Mistry who is a Homeopath, commented that Homoeopathy has often been used to assist with ADD and ADHD and has been effective. But unlike conventional medicine, there is no one particular homoeopathic medicine for these conditions. The ADD and ADHD symptoms for that particular child and factors that aggravate or ameliorate the symptoms, are taken into account when selecting the remedy for the child. Homoeopathic medicines do not numb or block symptoms, instead they work with the body to re-establish a state of equilibrium. When the patient is in this equilibrium state, the symptoms ease and the patient is able to function better. The aim of homoeopathic treatment is not to keep a patient dependent on medicine, but rather to bring the patient to the space where he/she can maintain this equilibrium state. Many homoeopaths also incorporate other modalities to their treatment such as supplements, herbs and probiotics. A child’s restlessness and ability to concentrate has also been linked to the state of the child’s gut Nutrition Good nutrition can help reduce ADD / ADHD symptoms. Studies show that what, and when, you eat makes a difference when it comes to managing ADD/ADHD. The following tips can be seen below By scheduling regular meals or snacks no more than three hours apart is a useful tip, which will help keep your child’s blood sugar level, minimizing irritability and supporting concentration and focus. Try to include a little protein and complex carbohydrates at each meal or snack. These foods will help your child feel more alert while decreasing hyperactivity. Check your child’s zinc, iron, and magnesium levels. Many children with ADD/ADHD are low in these important minerals. Boosting their levels may help control ADD/ADHD symptoms. Increasing iron may be particularly helpful. One study found that an iron supplement improved symptoms almost as much as taking stimulant medication. Add more omega-3 fatty acids to your child’s diet. Studies show that omega-3s improve hyperactivity, impulsivity, and concentration in kids (and adults) with ADD/ADHD. Omega-3s are found in salmon, tuna, sardines, and some fortified eggs and milk products. However, the easiest way to boost your child’s intake is through fish oil supplements Tips for supporting your child’s treatment In order to encourage positive change in all settings, children with ADD / ADHD need consistency. It is important that parents of children with ADD / ADHD learn how to apply behavioural therapy techniques at home. Children with ADD/ADHD are more likely to succeed in completing tasks when the tasks occur in predictable patterns and in predictable places, so that they know what to expect and what they are supposed to do. Follow a routine. It is important to set a time and a place for everything to help a child with ADD/ADHD understand and meet expectations. Establish simple and predictable rituals for meals, homework, play and bed. Use clocks and timers. Consider placing clocks throughout the house, with a big one in your child’s bedroom. Allow plenty of time for what your child needs to do, such as homework or getting ready in the morning. Simplify your child’s schedule. Avoiding idle time is a good idea, but a child with ADD/ADHD may become even more distracted and “wound up” if there are too many after-school activities. Create a quiet place. Make sure your child has a quiet, private space of his or her own. A porch or bedroom can work well too as long as it’s not the same place as the child goes for a time-out. Set an example for good organisation. Set up your home in an organised way. Make sure your child knows that everything has its place. Role model neatness

October 28, 2016

Aggressive Behaviour in Young Children

First Comfort the Victim. The next time you witness younger children fighting or hurting one another, your first response should be to comfort the victim without pity or drama. If possible, you should also include the aggressive child in comforting of the victim. Ask him to retrieve a cloth, a blanket, or even a drink of water if it’s appropriate. Be sure to use a quiet, calm and respectful tone as you take control. Your immediate feelings may involve anger or frustration toward the aggressive child, but maintain control and stay calm. Once the drama has cooled and the victim is cared for, take the aggressive child aside and remind him calmly and respectfully about boundaries and acceptable behaviour. This more peaceful response to the situation will provide an outstanding model and learning tool for both children. What is Bullying? Bullying is any form of physical, emotional, or verbal mistreatment in which one holds an unequal power over another, purposely and repeatedly with the intent to hurt or humiliate. A bully can be one tough kid harassing someone who is different in some way. A bully’s behaviour can be as simple as name-calling or as serious as confrontation resulting in injury. No child is ever exempt from being picked on by a bully at some point in his life, and neither are adults. In a recent study released by the American Medical Association, it was estimated that 3.2 million children are victims of bullying each year. Being able to defend oneself when attacked by a bully requires both courage and skill – traits you can begin instilling in your child at any age. Teach Them How Not To Be A Target. A bully’s common target is someone who demonstrates a lack of confidence and exhibits characteristics of weakness or insecurity. Teach your children to stand tall, use a full voice, look the other child directly in the eyes, and exhibit confidence when stating what they want. If your child does this, it will help to reduce the risk of being targeted by an aggressive child. You can teach this to your child by modelling it yourself. The most effective way of teaching children a new behaviour is to role-play with them. Allow them to see what the behaviour looks like by modelling it for them, then allowing them to practice. A child who stands, acts with and speaks with confidence is less likely to become a target of a bully. Teach your children. Teach them that they have the power to stop anyone from touching them, hurting them, or taking their things. One of the most effective actions you can teach your child is described in many self-defence and confidence courses. Stand tall and erect, and distribute weight evenly on both feet. Hold your head high, extend their hand straight out in front of them with their flat palm toward the other child, saying “STOP!” in a loud and strong voice. A bully halted in his or her tracks by a child drawing a clear, personal, physical or emotional boundary is more likely to walk away, often even respecting a child who had represented a potential victim.

October 25, 2016

Look beyond the book

We all know why it is important for children to read, and that developing a love for reading from a young age has lifelong benefits. But many children regard reading as a chore, especially if they are forced to read things that they have no interest in. So how do you get reluctant – or downright uninterested – children to read for pleasure? The key is to not only find something that appeals to them, but also to look beyond the traditional book. Here are some alternative suggestions to encourage reading: Turn to technology Many kids are fascinated by technology, so why not use it to get them excited about reading? Reading books on a screen is just as valuable for your child as reading a traditional book, and books in electronic format have proved to be especially engaging for boys. In addition, e-books are readily – and immediately – available. Colourful comics For children with reading problems, graphics make it easier to follow the action because, even if the text is difficult, the visuals offer support in comprehending the story. In addition, the text is broken down into shorter, more understandable segments. Comics contain the same story elements and literary devices as narrative stories, e.g. characters, conflict, themes and symbolism, so these elements are embedded. Most importantly, comics are fun! You’re joking Joke books can be a compelling way to engage reluctant readers. After all, who doesn’t enjoy having a laugh? Jokes can provide a subtle exercise in reading fluency and, because comedy is all about timing (you may have to explain this to your child), he’ll want to repeatedly read his favourite jokes aloud to perfect his delivery. A for audiobooks You may think that as soon as your child learns to read on his own, he no longer needs to be read to. But sometimes children just want to relax and take it all in. So try audiobooks. Technically, they involve listening rather than reading skills, but when trying to encourage kids to read, it counts! Why? Because it builds vocabulary, it cements background knowledge, it supports comprehension and it helps children discover the magic of storytelling. Recipe for success For children who love to help out in the kitchen, recipes can be a fun way to practise reading skills. In addition to providing general practice, it reinforces other essential skills and helps build confidence. As an added incentive, why not break the rules a little? Almost no child wants to go to bed on time, especially on weekends, so give yours the choice between going to sleep at the usual time and staying up later to read a book. Ultimately, reading should be fun, interactive, and engaging (no matter the medium), and by thinking “outside the book”, your child may well find something that captures his imagination and sparks a lifelong love for reading.

October 7, 2016

Nurture yourself – nurture you child

We’ve heard it a thousand times: “look after yourself first and then you will be able to look after your children well”, but do we do it? As parents, and especially mothers, we can easily get into the habit of putting our children’s needs first to the detriment of our own. When you think of doing something pleasurable for yourself do you: a) feel guilty? b) dismiss the idea, it will never happen anyway? c) put it into the schedule so it works for everyone? d) do it no matter what the cost? Children learn how to be kind to themselves and others (including parents) by watching how their parents treat themselves. If a mother is able to calmly finish her reading/gardening/exercise without feeling pressurised to jump to every whim, the child will one day mimic these strengths. If a father has the ability to rest on the weekend, free from distractions, the child will see this and one day mimic this too. Why is it so hard to relax and nurture ourselves? In many families the pattern of mothers serving others first has been passed down through the generations. In other instances, it may be a reaction to what one thinks is expected of a parent. Whatever the reason, when you continue to neglect your own needs this becomes a habit that can be hard to discard. Parenting is about giving and guiding. For this very reason one needs to keep ones whole self well looked after in order to give and guide optimally. If you are on low fuel with your sleep, exercise, and relaxation, your emotional reactions will sooner or later turn into deep wounds. One can be fooled into thinking time is being saved or children are benefitting by continuously putting them first but studies show that the opposite is true. Do you feel like you are in a rut? Could you do with some Me Time but feel frustrated because you don’t how to make it happen? These feelings are normal but can easily be remedied with Brain Balancing. When habits in life are not beneficial and when emotions are unstable, it is a reflection of a chemical imbalance in the brain which then moves throughout the body. The Good News Brain Balancing is a simple solution that can turn your life around in a matter of weeks, days or even minutes… it’s up to you. When you understand how your body, mind and heart operate, separately and together, then creating harmony between these areas becomes easy. Likewise, you will more likely seek out that which serves you rather than continuously pick up the pieces after fatigue, anxiety, depression or insomnia has set in. Breathing is a brain balancing technique you can do anywhere. Yes, we do hear about this often but if done consciously it has the power to shift a situation from intensity to calm in a matter of moments. The next time you are in a tizz trying to juggle your kids lives plus your own, take one minute to stop and focus on your breath. Breath in deeply for four counts and out for four counts. Notice where your inhalation ends. If it’s in your chest, on the next inhale aim to take it slightly deeper into your body. If you feel it moving down into your lungs on the next inhale take it further into your belly. If it’s in your belly send it throughout your body. Whilst breathing deeply and slowly, put your intent on areas of tension and relax them with a conscious thought. After one minute, or more if you can, turn your attention back to the planning roster and now continue with your schedule. You will be surprised to notice how quickly your perspective changes after the brain and body has been oxygenated. Another effective, but more long term approach to nurturing ones self is silence. When you are given the opportunity to experience quiet, with no media or other distractions, your cortex part of the brain where thinking and decision making takes place, is able to process the past events. Studies reveal that when the brain rests it is able to integrate information quicker and easier. Likewise, silence breeds creativity and solutions. So if you are having a hard time wondering how you are going to be able to get away for a few hours of spoiling, start with twenty minutes of silence at home, even if it’s after the children have gone to bed. During this time focus on being, not doing. If you have to do something let it be of a right brain nature, such as drawing, knitting, doodling etc. Before you begin, ask a question, such as when can I take time out to go for a massage? Then forget about the question. After twenty minutes bring yourself back to the question and notice what answers come to mind. This exercise is a wonderful relaxation technique to wind down after the day and prepare for sleep. Would you like to learn many, many more experiential exercises for balancing your brain, your emotions, your relationships? Join Helen Hansen, Transformational Facilitator, for a live event where she will be sharing this knowledge. These skills are for life and they can be adapted and taught to children. The Brain Balancing Talk will be held at the Indaba Hotel, William Nicol Drive, Lonehill, Johannessburg on Tuesday 27 September 2017 from 6 to 7pm. Tickets are R100 per person at the door and if you book before 22 September you can bring a friend for free. To book contact Helen on 0724097664 or info@helenhansen.co (please note there is no .za in the email address). Visit www.helenhansen.co to see what else is on offer.

October 7, 2016

Make a play for new skills

While robots are most likely do most of the mundane tasks that humans do today, they will never be able to fully replace human beings. Why? For one they can’t be creative and collaborate let alone function with emotional intelligence – and those are the skills that employees of the future will need more than ever before. That’s why schools are changing to focus more on these skills, creating learning environments to develop creativity and collaboration. Our children will most probably be employed in jobs that do not exist yet, and need these skills to cope with the changes predicted in the job market of the future. The World Economic Forum has identified these top ten core skills to master the jobs of the future: Complex problem solving Critical thinking Creativity People management Co-ordinating with others Emotional intelligence Judgement and decision making Service orientation Negotiation Cognitive flexibility Ironically, the i-Generation (i-Phone, i-Pad, i-Pod) should spend less time in front of screens and more time playing and exploring freely. Do you remember how you used to play? Creating houses and artefacts while playing in the mud, building cities in the sand, making marble runs using old boxes (now called recyclables), being send to the shop by your mom to negotiate the best price for five tomatoes, team play in the driveway – all these activities develop the skills so badly needed today. Unfortunately, school work and extramural activities allow children very little time to play freely. So, what about knowledge then? If robots will be doing all the thinking and remembering for us, why do children still need to study facts? Gaining knowledge through studying is more about just the facts that are learnt. Firstly, it requires discipline to study, a skill that any workplace needs. Secondly, remembering facts increase your brain’s capacity and makes you smarter. Balance, as with everything in life, is key. Give your kids enough time to explore and play freely, make sure that they gain the basic knowledge needed and practice applying that knowledge on a daily basis. If 55 creative, out-of-the-box thinkers applied for a position, I put my money on the creative, disciplined thinker who knows the answer to 120 multiplied by 90 without needing a robot’s assistance! *Five years from now, over one-third of skills (35%) that are considered important in today’s workforce will have changed. Is it not time to make a play for new skills? *Alex Gray, Senior Writer, Formative Content, World Economic Forum. Information adapted from https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2016/01/the-10-skills-you-need-to-thrive-in-the-fourth-industrial-revolution/

October 6, 2016

Make shopping fun with your Toddler

Shopping can be a complete nightmare for most parents with a toddler and we tend to try and fit it in when they not around. Follow these tips taken from the book Raising Happy, Healthy Children by Andalene Salvesen to make shopping fun. Before you go shopping, remember to feed your child, otherwise the sweet counter is going to look even more tempting, especially if they have a blood sugar dip. En route in the car, discuss the rules when we shop: We are not going to buy any sweets. Listen to mommy. Stay near the trolley. Making shopping fun You can play a game at home with them called Red light, Green light. When you say Green light they run, when you say Red light they freeze. Now try this in the supermarket aisles. Let them run ahead, then say ‘Red light’! While they freeze and giggle, you put your shopping into the trolley. As you get closer, say ‘Green light’ again. Repeat. Have them cut out pictures of groceries from a magazine and file them in a box. Before going shopping, have them take out their ‘shopping list’ pictures and stick them onto paper. Take this, as well as a pencil, to the shops so that when you find the milk, for instance, they can mark that off their list. This keeps them engaged as well as improving their matching skills. Allow a younger child to walk alongside the trolley ‘helping’ to get items off the shelf. Keep them engaged by talking about the different uses, colours and types of groceries. Explain that if they don’t listen or if they run off, then they will be put back into the trolley for ‘time Out’. Do this for two minutes, even if they scream the whole two minutes. Take them out again and say, ‘Right, stop crying and let’s try again’. Children usually love riding in those coin-ride cars or animals. Find out what a ride costs and have enough money in small coins for one ride. Explain to your children that after you have finished shopping, they will be able to go on a ride IF they have earned enough money. Explain that you will be doling out coins every so often for good behaviour. However, you will also be taking away for disobedience or fighting. At the end of the trip, either take them for a ride (even if it is only one of them that earned enough) or if there isn’t enough, they can save it for next time or buy a small fruit juice or something acceptable for the amount of money they still have left over.

October 6, 2016

Children and Play

It can often seem overwhelming trying to keep up with the many demands in our daily lives, and even more so trying to ensure we provide our children with the best. The best in quality time, the best support, the best in providing for their physical needs, in education and in intervention. With information at our fingertips through search engines and social media, it becomes even more overwhelming to keep up with what the best is. The information provided here is not meant to add to, or create, the sense of feeling overwhelmed, but rather to provide you with reassurance that you are doing your best, and that it is ‘ok just to play’. One of the best places to start with any attempt to encourage healthy development and giving our children the best, is to allow for plenty of time for our children to play. This is because for children, play is of vital importance in all areas of development. Therefor it is crucial for the child to engage in regular times of structured and unstructured play. The term ‘structured play’ refers to play that is led by the adult, generally a parent or teacher that has planned the play time with a purpose in mind. Unstructured play on the other hand refers to play that is led by the child themselves without the guidance of the adult. Both forms of play are of great benefit. Structured play can be used by the parent to encourage development in many areas, such as using a board game to teach turn taking and communication skills, or using a peg board to help your child to develop fine motor skills and pattern imitation. Structured play can also be used to help our child in an area with which they have difficulty, for example planning an obstacle course that involves crawling and climbing for a child who has difficulty with gross motor skills. Unstructured play in turn allows our children to explore the world around them, to develop their own imaginary worlds, to problem solve, to learn to take initiative and so much more. Both structured and unstructured play allows for parents and children to be creative, to have fun, to learn while enjoying each other and growing closer together as a family. Often times when children play, it may look like a mere period of fun between times of learning or ‘work’, but play is the child’s work, play is where a child learns to problem solve, to overcome physical and mental challenges. When children play, they develop without realising it, while your child is dressing the doll and talking about the dolly’s mommy, your child is developing language, social skills, emotional skills and coordination. When your child is pushing the car on his road map and telling you about his journey, he is developing his language skills, his social skills, his coordination, his direction skills and his planning skills. When your child is climbing on the monkey bars or swinging, they are learning how to coordinate physical movement, developing gross motor skills, they are creating pathways in their brain for learning new skills, they are learning social skills and communications skills, and they are improving their emotional health. Play is not only how children learn and develop, but it helps them to understand who they are and where they fit in in the world. Play is not only vital to the social, emotional, cognitive as well as physical development of our children, but also provides opportunities for parents to engage fully with their children. In the words of Margarita Tartakovsky “Playing with kids helps us experience the magic of play through their perspective. Remember that play [in adulthood] is important for all aspects of our lives, including creativity and relationships. Give yourself permission to play every day.” Skidz clever activity boxes aim to help parents and children to play, the programme is not to add more work, but rather to add to and support parents in learning how to play with their child. Skidz provide ideas for structured play for parents and children to learn, to grow and to have fun. References Swan, A (2011) Why children need more unstructured play. http://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2011/07/children-un structured-play.html Rock, A (2016) What is structured play for young children? https://www.verywell.com/structured-play-2764980 Raising Children Network: Australian Parenting. Why play is important Tartakovsky, M (2012) The importance of play for adults. Psych Central. http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/11/15/the-importance-of-play-for-adults/ http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/why_play_is_important.html Wallace, K (2015) How your child benefits from play. Baby Centre. http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-your-child-benefits-from-play_64065.bc

September 28, 2016

12 steps to choosing the perfect pram for you & your babies

What kind of terrain will you be strolling on? For bumpy or twisty roads, or if you’d like to running, camping or hiking with your babies flexible suspension and sturdy wheels. Look for a pram with bigger wheels. Crowded city pavements or busy malls require good suspension and wheels, but make sure they’re not too big so you can easily weave in and out of the crowds. A smaller-framed pram is also better for navigating busy shopping aisles. Any kind of pram works for spacious neighbourhood with flat pavements- you’ll just need to take into consideration what other features you want your pram to have; for instance, do you need to consider extreme weather conditions? Does the pram have forward and rearward facing options Most from birth baby prams have both rearward and forward facing positions, since the period between birth and 9 months is vital time for your babies to be able to make eye contact with you, in a rearward facing pram, baby will be able to see you and hear your voice, which is very comforting and reassuring. Is your boot big enough? If you have a small car, it is not recommended that you buy a bulky pram. Remember you still need to fit the grocery shopping around it Are you strong enough to lift and shift the pram? Even though you are only lifting the pram between the car boot and the ground, make sure you are comfortable with the weight , especially when collapsing it and popping it back up again. Practice these moves on a few prams because some are easier to collapse than others the last is to be driven to tears as your baby cries, your pram won’t fold, and all your personal items go toppling to the floor Will your pram be part of a travelling system? You are going to want to take a walk with your little ones, so make sure you get a pram that can carry newborn’s. Some prams come with an optional newborn inner, so you can keep your car seat in your car but you can also get a carry cot for your pram if you prefer. Consider a pram that is part of a travel system, one that comes with a car seat, carrycot and base, A travel system ensures that everything is compatible an d you don’t to do a separate research for each of these items Is your partner much taller or shorter than you are? Make sure you both feel comfortable with the handle bar height of your pram. Some prams have adjustable handles, which is great, but if not, both of you should do a test drive and make sure you are not too hunched over How easy is the pram to clean? That seat is going to get dirty over time, so make sure it is easy to clean or has removable, washable seats, A darker colour hides stains better, but if you do choose a lighter colour ensure material is dirt and water resistant What accessories are important to you? Lots of Prams have optional extras like cup holders, umbrellas, rain covers, mosquito nets and toys and even buggy boards for your toddles to stand on. Toddlers find this very funny and it prevents you from getting whiplash looking for them in malls Does your pram offer shade? You need to think of the weather conditions you are going to expose your babies to, Do you like to go camping, hiking or for walks on the beach? If so, you will need a pram with a large and more resilient sun canopy One pram…. Or more? If you are a quite jet setter, then having more than one pram is a good idea, as you could leave your Heavier, bigger pram at home, them take a smaller, simpler, lightweight stroller with you on your travels Side by side or Tandem Do you want your babies to interact with each other as they get older ( and pull items off the shop shelves ) or do you want them one behind the other and you rotate who has a turn in front to have your undivided attention. Also look at shopping isles and fitting through them and the security at the entrance to shops. Triplet parents Do you want a triplet pram that is long and will become very heavy and difficult to manoeuvre as they grow up. When it comes to resale there are fewer people expecting triplets. You could either have a twin pram and a singleton pram or the triplet pram which does mean only one person needs to push it around.

September 19, 2016

Tummy Time

As a new parent, you have more than likely been told by your doctor that baby needs to always be on his/her back when being put down to sleep or take a nap. However, it is just as important that baby does spend time on his/her tummy during the day whilst awake and during periods of time where mom or dad can supervise. Babies now spend much of their days on their back on relatively hard surfaces – at night, in a crib or bassinet, or in a bed; during the day, in a pack and play, car-seat and stroller. All of this time on their backs can lead to a flattening of the back of the head. It also leads to weaker neck muscles, as the baby never has a chance to exercise their neck lying on their back. Because of this, baby experts and health professionals now call for a prescribed amount of tummy time for baby each day, allowing baby to strengthen their neck and take the pressure off the back of their head for a while. Since your baby will be spending so much time laying on his/her back, tummy time will help to strengthen their little neck muscles which will ultimately assist in achieving other physical milestones. So what is tummy time, we hear you ask? “Tummy time is when your infant lays on his (or) her stomach while supervised,” says Wendy Wallace, DO, a paediatrician at The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia Care Network. Tummy time includes a variety of activities, positions, and routines to keep your infant spending a significant amount of time on his/her tummy. Whether or not they enjoy it, and it seems most don’t at first, your baby needs this time to practice lifting their head, then pushing up from the ground. Experts say that they have found that babies who don’t spend time on their tummy’s can experience certain development difficulties with their motor skills. Facing down is an unfamiliar position for baby and so it’s natural for baby to feel uncomfortable and perhaps even abandoned. And this is where ‘Baby Wearing” is proving to be more beneficial for baby. “Baby wearing” doubles as tummy time, and if you’re wearing baby for an hour, or a number of hours, each day, they receive much more exercise for their little neck and back than they would have during the prescribed amount of tummy time. The added benefit is that because baby is being kept of his/her back, there is less chance of developing a flat head. When a baby is in a sling, especially once they are in an upright position, which is possible from birth and ideal from four or six months and up, their core muscles are constantly engaged as their parent moves and goes about their day. Though baby’s body is well-supported, safe and secure in the carrier, small shifts in their parent’s body position cause them to shift as well, in turn strengthening their muscles. They also lift their heads to see or to turn their head, which strengthens their neck in the same way tummy time would. The Hugseez from BabyLegends is an absolute must for baby wearing. Manufactured in South Africa the Hugseez is highly recommended. It has been specially designed to carry baby against mom, in the most comfortable and comforting manner. Baby is kept close to mom’s heart and yes, dad can carry baby in the Hugseez too! Available in colours to suit your taste, you can visit www.babylegends.co.za to place you’re your order.

September 9, 2016

Living with Costello Syndrome

When Aidan was diagnosed with Costello Syndrome, something instinctively within me knew… this was building my calling for a higher purpose. I’ve always wanted to affect people’s lives in the largest possible way, and I certainly have been through those dark and heavy “dramas” of life that would qualify me to help people through, and into the other side where the sun shines again. And it does shine again… I promise you. Grief is a messy thing to experience. I’ve experienced it a few times. I’ve been divorced, I’ve walked away from relationships that I thought I would never recover from. I’ve experienced death. I’ve experienced abandonment. I’ve experienced toxicity in relationship to a partner that SHOULD have killed me. And then… I experienced the devastating diagnosis of my son… and my whole life collapsed around me. The idea of what could be… fell to pieces, and I had to salvage my sense of survival during the darkest time of my life. Somehow, when these devastating times hit you… your previous confidences of what you can accomplish, become a distant memory, and you literally have to cocoon yourself from the world and heal, before you can effectively regain your composure, and then, look after those around you that have been entrusted into your care. I learnt a valuable lesson in taking care of myself as a mother first. I’m mom to a special needs child … which is phenomenal. But I had to learn that it was ok to have special needs of my own met FIRST, so that I could be the best Mom for Aidan. The areas I’ve struggled with since his diagnosis have been my stress levels causing devastation with my health, … mainly stemming from adrenal fatigue, which in turn has sent my weight (*a very personal subject for anyone battling the bulge*) skyrocketing, and my energy plummeting. Eating “clean” and exercising sent my weight (and health) in the opposite direction to what I was aiming for. 5 minutes of exercise would flatten me for 3 days…. and gaining weight while I was eating a clean healthy diet just killed me. It shouldn’t have been surprising though. We as humans can only deal with so much at any given time. It’s our scale of entropy. Nevermind the physical reasons for not losing weight, but the psychological issues you are so often not even aware of that also sabotage your efforts… can be VERY muddling. Metaphysically we keep weight on to keep others out and form a layer of protection against intrusion… and I can definitely say that played the biggest role. But it took so much self learning and understanding and learning to SELF LOVE before I could process all my “baggage” and start recovery again. I’d been so good at running a business before I became a mom, and keeping fit, and working till all hours… and just being so full of energy. This NEW me, the one that battled to stay awake after 7pm, the one that battled to make ends meet, the one that didn’t look as fabulous in the mirror anymore with all this extra weight…. this was a real challenge for me to be gentle on myself and then still LOVE???!!! The last 2 years I started with various forms of coaching, counselling, self evaluation, and consciously deciding to go THROUGH the grief. To fully experience it. It’s been the hardest journey of my life. I realised that I was in denial of Aidan’s diagnosis for a long time. It served me, because at the time I actually couldn’t cope with it, with everything else that was going on. At the same time, I was dealing with the Anger phase. Because I was still in denial… my anger was deferred, and I lashed out at anything and everyone who was in close proximity to me. I was ANGRY at the idiot drivers on the road, I was ANGRY at the stupid teller who didn’t process my purchase quickly without botching up her simple task, I was ANGRY at the traffic lights that were out and the electricity that was out all making me late for my appointments… I was just ANGRY full stop!Bargaining and depression are also phases of grief, and I certainly had my share and I chose to go through it without antidepressants, because something within me knew I was ready to do so. (It’s that scale of entropy thing again). I was tempted for sure. Nothing quite compares to the deep dark hell of depression… and the thought of staying there is absolutely unbearable. But I needed to FEEL those depths, and I needed to learn for myself what it was deep down in my psyche that kept me stuck, and kept those blocks up in my life, preventing me from experiencing my fulfilled purpose. I have to tell you… you will go through grief in your life, and some of you… many times. It’s the path of life. And you can choose to grow from it, or you can decide it’s enough. And that choice sits entirely on you. Nobody gets to decide what you can and can’t handle. Or even HOW you handle it. Only you. For me? Right now, I’ve chosen to live again. As a special needs mom, I know I will go through many cycles of grief as I have in the last 7 years with Aidan. His health issues are not predictable and the thought of possibly losing him on the operating table, or to cancer, or finding something ominous on his MRI scan… to anything else related to his health is VERY real. The possibility of him losing his ability to walk during his last operation were so real, the stress is still working it’s way out of my system. Just this last Friday I forgot about us being invited for dinner. I forgot to attend a function I was given tickets to last month. I forgot to give my plants water (ok that’s normal for me)… but I am now fully

September 8, 2016

Tips You Can Try TONIGHT To Help With Your Child’s Sleep Problems

Would you like to know one of the most important steps parents can take in order to get their child sleeping through the night? It’s very simple, very easy… and actually pretty fun, too! It’s setting up a bedtime routine. Now, I know you might be thinking “Oh, I already know about bedtime routines,” but stick with me here because there I’m also going to talk about the single biggest mistake that parents make with bedtime routines. Here are 3 easy tips to help you master your child’s bedtime: TIP #1: MAKE SURE IT’S FUN! Okay, this might seem obvious, but I’m going to make sure I say it loud and clear anyways… Don’t make your child angry at bedtime! Seems like common sense, but you’d be surprised how many clients I’ve worked with who insist on including baths in a bedtime routine — even though their child totally HATES baths! When I ask them why they’re forcing their child to do something he or she hates right before bedtime, they usually say, “Because that’s what I was told to do.” Their mom or sister or friend told them that ALL children need a bath before bedtime, so they just started doing it. But trying to get your child to do something she hates right before bedtime is a flat-out bad idea. Tempers flare… tears are shed… and your child gets so emotionally wound up that it takes MUCH longer for her to calm down and get back into her happy place. So make sure your bedtime routine includes only activities your child enjoys! TIP #2: KEEP IT SHORT (BUT NOT TOO SHORT) Specifically, somewhere between 20 and 30 minutes, from start to finish. Why? Well, you want it to be long enough to get your child calmed down, relaxed, and ready for sleep. Plus, bedtime is a wonderful way to spend time bonding with your child. For many parents, it’s the best “quality time” you’ll spend with your child all day! However, if you let your bedtime routine drag on for too long, you risk letting your child get overtired, which makes falling asleep MUCH more difficult! TIP #3: NO SUGAR OR TELEVISION RIGHT BEFORE BED Yes, I know this one sounds “preachy,” but if you’re giving your child sweets (or juice) right before bed, it’s going to be harder for him to fall asleep. Same thing goes for letting a child watch TV right before bed. The juice or sweets will give him a “sugar rush” of jittery energy, which is the LAST thing we want before bedtime. And watching TV or playing on the computer can (for lots of children) overstimulate them, so I recommend NOT letting your child watch TV as part of your bedtime routine. THE BIGGEST BEDTIME MISTAKE… As promised, I also want to share the single biggest bedtime mistake that parents make. It’s simply this… Letting your child doze off BEFORE you put them into bed. Now, I know it’s tempting for many parents to let their child fall asleep while rocking, bouncing, or feeding. After all, for many babies, this is the way they’ve ALWAYS gotten to sleep. Unfortunately, it’s also the reason why they tend to wake frequently in the night. If you’re interested in learning some easy strategies for getting your child to fall asleep on their own at night (rather than being rocked nursed, or otherwise soothed to sleep by you), I’d love to chat further!

July 29, 2016

Advice For Dating With Children

You’ve met someone really nice and you’re starting to think he/she may just be the “one”. There’s just one little problem (or maybe more) if you’re divorced and upwards of mid 30 – the children. If we’re dating while raising children, we have to integrate and balance the responsibilities of parenthood and take into consideration the attitudes and perception of the children – and it’s not easy! Here are a few tips: Don’t involve children in adult relationships they may too immature to understand. Not every relationship is going to last, so spare your children unnecessary exposure to short-term flings. It can be heartbreaking for your children when they’re no longer around, particularly those dealing with post-divorce parental alienation – they may become attached quickly and intensely. Be sure the new person in your life is there for the long-term before introducing your children. Test the waters – talk to your children about dating first. Ask them how they feel about you dating. Explain that just as children need time with other children, adults need time with other adults. Tell them that even though they’re the most important people in your life, you’re going to start dating so you can have the companionship and enjoyment of someone your own age. Don’t expect them to be happy about it – they probably won’t be, for various reasons: they may have become over-attached and used to being the primary focus of your life, so may not want to share you with a new partner. They may still be harbouring the fantasy of their parents reuniting and your dating puts an end to that dream. They may have suffered multiple losses due to the divorce and feelings of abandonment and insecurity could resurface again. They’re likely to view your dating as a threat to their own personal time and experience with you. When you feel a relationship is solid and it’s time to involve the children, make the introduction casual, friendly and preferably somewhere fun for the kids. The focus should be on an activity not “getting to know each other better.” Consider an outing to watch cricket or go to a concert, golf (if you don’t play, you can drive the cart) or ten pin bowling. Lower expectations about your child’s acceptance of your partner and be prepared for resistance and even hostility, understanding that just because you love a new partner, doesn’t mean your child will. The only stipulation at the first meeting is for the child to show basic good manners and friendliness. Liking and even loving may come over time. Depending on the age and maturity of the child, encourage your children to be open, ask questions and talk about feelings. Don’t seek their approval of your new partner because this can encourage manipulation and ultimately gives kids an unhealthy sense of responsibility for the relationship. Emphasise your continued unconditional love and commitment to them and always follow through on promises about “alone” time and other family and social obligations. At the same time, don’t minimise the importance of your new love interest, or when your child eventually discovers you’re in love, they may feel that you’ve broken their trust and betrayed them – just when trust and reassurance are most needed. Be attentive to their reactions as you introduce your new partner into the family – kids can be very perceptive! Once children have been introduced to your new love interest, limit time you and your partner spend with them as a group. Gradually increase time together as your partner and children get to know each other and feel more comfortable around each other. If your new partner has kids they’ll also appreciate a slow transition towards togetherness. Resist plunging into a busy instant family mode where everyone is always together and the children are forced to spend time with each other. Be sure to spend regular “alone” time with your children, without your new partner, to reassure them that they’re still very important to you. Time spent exclusively focused on them reduces their anxiety about being displaced as well as jealousy due to another important person taking time and attention. Children need to be reminded that even though you’re dating they are your top priority. Alone time creates an opportunity for you to talk and to listen. Set boundaries around physical displays of affection in front of children. These should be limited, especially around teenagers, who are often embarrassed by the reality of their parent’s sexuality. Overnights with dates should be confined to nights when the children are out of the house; remember you are a role model for the kids, so be mindful of your sexual behaviour. Never say bad things about your former spouse to your child, especially in front of your new boyfriend/girlfriend. They will always remain the father/ mother of your child, so talk about them respectfully or your child may become resentful and angry with you. Also, never criticise your child in front of your new partner – it’ll just make them feel insecure and less important than your new flame. It may take time, but it is possible to merge your family and your partner’s family together peacefully and harmoniously. Try to spend some time with children from both sides of the relationship together doing enjoyable activities. This will help to build relationships and create a sense of family for everyone. While your children might not think of your significant other as their parent, they can still have a deep respect and love for them over time. Emphasise to your kids that you’re not trying to replace their biological mother or father, but that you’re just trying to include new people you love and care for in all of your lives. It can turn out wonderfully if everyone is willing to make the effort. Handling children with sensitivity and compassion and ensuring you set reasonable boundaries could mean the difference between an unhappy

July 22, 2016

Cultivating Confidence

Our kids are living in a very different world to the one we grew up in. Gone are the days of walking to friends, taking buses to school, riding bikes around the neighbourhood, staying out until dark. For the most part our kids are dropped and carried, continuously supervised and never leave our sight. Of course there are advantages and disadvantages to both, but the one thing that all this constant supervision does is erodes a child’s sense of confidence. They don’t get a chance to show their independence, to tackle things for themselves, to take responsibility. So how can we cultivate a sense of confidence in our children and still keep them safe in an uncertain world? We need to create experiences for our children where they can feel that they are operating in and mastering the adult world on their own. Small moments can make all the difference. Here are some ideas to get you going, but I encourage you to do some brainstorming, start a discussion with friends, hop onto the Internet, and add to this list. When in a place where you feel safe to do so, allow your kids to leave you and meet up again. For example, when I visit my chiropractor, who operates from a quiet building, I let the kids take the lift and I take the stairs and meet them at the top. Let them drive the car! Obviously this needs to be in an appropriate place (in a game reserve, abandoned parking lot etc.), but letting kids control a machine like a car really boosts their sense of accomplishment. Let them sit on your lap and steer if they’re still small, or if they’re a bit older, let them take control. Children blossom when you place trust in them to do things that are ‘beyond their age’. We go to Magaliesburg regularly and allow our kids (age 6 and 8) to drive the car in the reserve. They talk about it for weeks afterwards. Treat your children as equals. Let them use the same crockery and cutlery as the rest of the family. Trusting young children with sharp knives, for instance, is a good confidence booster. They will need some ground-rules to prevent accidents, but this also teaches responsibility. Our kids have been using Victorinox knives since the age of 4. Don’t hold your kids’ hands through everything that they do. Wait outside the shop and let your child go in and purchase something for themselves, park outside the library and let them go in and choose books on their own, encourage them to ask other adults questions when they need something instead of doing it for them. Let your kids do some ‘dangerous’ things – play with fire, use power tools, climb trees, burn things with a magnifying glass, throw darts, climb on the roof, change a tyre, tightrope walk, blow things up. If I think about my own childhood we made our own go-carts and raced them on public roads, we made home-made bombs, played in the mud, burned things, jumped off the roof, used sharp knives to make spears out of sticks, camped in the garden, did woodworking, climbed trees and swam in rivers. There is no reason that our kids can’t still have some of these essential experiences. They’ll learn a lot more than sitting indoors doing homework or playing on an iPad. Let your kids live a little. Yes, it’s scary as a parent to let go of some control. Yes, they may get hurt and may even need some stitches or Burnshield here and there. Yes, they may damage some stuff. But they may just surprise you and rise to the challenges that they face and gain some confidence and self-esteem and maybe even have some fun along the way!

July 21, 2016

5 Things to do to avoid hearing NO

It is incredibly frustrating when our child says “NO” to us. If we react to it, they could feel more powerful than we want them to, causing them to do it more often. Often times, they are saying no as a way of communicating that they need to feel more powerful. We want our children to have the power to say no to others, so we must be careful how we handle their objections at home. Here are five methods to gain a child’s cooperation. Don’t Overreact When They Tell You No. Overreacting gives your children inappropriate power and may anger you. If they refuse to comply, turn your original request into an entertaining activity in order to get it done. Race them to the bath or tell them you’re going to pick up more puzzle pieces then they will. If you find yourself becoming angry, walk away and let it go, and use one of the following ideas next time to be more successful. Use Choices Instead of Commands. Giving a child a choice rules out “no” as an automatic response. Instead of saying “Go get your pajamas on,” say, “Would you like to wear your pink pajamas or the ones with little ducks on them?” List Choices of Chores for Older Children. Instead of ordering your child to rake the leaves or take out the trash, create a list of 3 or 4 reasonable tasks that you could use help with, being sure that what you really want is on the list. Tell your child that you need his help and all he has to do is pick one or two things from the list. Be ready to remain calm in case he doesn’t pick what you really wanted, so make sure that you’re comfortable with all of the choices listed. Say “I’m Not Ready for You to do That.” Because she will repeat what you say, avoid using the word “no” yourself. If she asks to do something that might be dangerous or something you’re not ready for her to do, say it. Tell her that you’re “not ready for her to do that,” instead of judging her age, size or abilities. It also avoids power struggles, labels and arguments; instead, it models respect. Say “I’m Not Willing To Do That.” Saying “No” to your child when he asks you to do something for him, such as take him to the park or buy him something, models a behavior that he will repeat. Replacing the word “No” with the statement above demonstrates a personal boundary and is not just a challenge for him to make you say “Yes.” If you must say the word “No,” be sure to say it in a way that is calm and respectful. If you yell “No” at your child, he will repeat it in the same way.

July 20, 2016

Buckle Up

I’m quite shocked as I drive around town just how many parents have their kids running wild in the car, particularly when the parents themselves are strapped in. Aside from the fact that it is illegal, and if your child does die in an accident where they were not strapped in you are legally up for manslaughter, yes, aside from this, it seems counterintuitive to me that parents would buckle up themselves and not think to look out for the safety of their precious offspring. For a while, I drove around with a sign in my back window that said, “Do you love your child? Then why are they not wearing a seatbelt?” When I’ve actually confronted people about this, the most common reason they give is that the kids don’t like wearing a seatbelt or being in a car chair and that they scream or have tantrums and they just can’t deal with it every time they get in the car. And I can totally relate. My own kids went through a phase of screaming when being strapped in (and sometimes for the entire journey) and when you’re sleep deprived and overworked this can be too much for your frazzled nerves to handle. And I still say… You are the parent, and there are times that you need to put your foot down. There are going to be many more moments in your parenting journey where your kids will not be happy with the decisions that you make, and the sooner they understand that you are the parent and it is your job to keep them safe whether they like that or not, the better. I love negotiating with my kids and teaching them how to make a strong argument for things that they would like changed. However, some rules are simply non-negotiable. And safety needs to be non-negotiable. I promise you that they will not scream every time they get strapped in for the rest of their lives. They will do it a couple of times and once they realise that it is a non-negotiable and that you are not going to be swayed by tantrums, they will stop. If you need some incentive to actually enforce this life-saving safety routine, here is some shocking, but essential information from the Child Accident Prevention Foundation: Passenger deaths in children are the 4th leading cause of unnatural deaths in South Africa, and that’s not even looking at paralysis, disabilities or other injuries. An adult is guilty of a criminal offence if he/she should allow a child younger than 14 years to travel unrestrained in a motor vehicle. That’s a criminal offence, not a traffic fine. At 25km/hour a child sitting or standing next to the driver can be killed in an emergency stop if its head hits the windscreen/interior of the car. Yes, you read that correctly – 25km/hour. At 40km/hour the blow to a child’s head is the same as dropping him/her from 6 meters onto concrete. We are not talking about speeding down the highway to Durban here – we’re talking trips down the road to school. Please, please rethink the safety of your incredible, beautiful, awesome children and buckle up. The discomfort you’ll have the deal with when they have those few tantrums in the car is nothing compared to the suffering you’ll endure if your child is killed or disabled because you didn’t want to insist on safety first. We can all save lives, and it starts with our own kids… after all, aren’t the lives you created the ones you’d most like to save?!

July 18, 2016

Auditory Processing – Another Buzz Word?

Auditory processing has become quite a buzz word amongst school teachers and therapists recently. And rightly so, as it is often under-identified or misdiagnosed as attention deficit disorder or bad behaviour, due to poor listening skills. What is Auditory Processing? Auditory processing is “what the brain does with what the ear hears” (Katz, 1994). In short, it is the ability of the brain to identify, localise, attend, remember and respond to auditory stimuli, generally the spoken word. Central auditory processing disorders (CAPD) or auditory processing disorders (APD) are a pattern of disorders whereby certain of the skills that make up auditory processing skills are relatively weak, thereby affecting listening behaviours. How Do You Know If It Is Auditory Processing, Or Just ‘Not Listening’? Central auditory processing disorder (CAPD) and attention deficit disorder (ADD or ADHD) often present with similar symptoms. The primary symptoms for ADD tend to be inattentiveness, distractibility, hyperactivity, restlessness and impulsivity. The primary symptoms for auditory processing disorder (APD) tend to be difficulty hearing in background noise, difficulty following oral instructions, poor listening skills, academic difficulties, distractibility and inattentiveness.[i] How Is Auditory Processing Assessed? Auditory processing is generally assessed by an audiologist (hearing healthcare professional). The audiologist would begin by assessing the outer, middle and inner ear structure and function to make sure that the hearing levels themselves are within normal limits, and there is no ear wax or middle ear infection preventing your child from listening! Thereafter, the audiologist runs a series of tests. Your child wears a set of headphones and responds to auditory tests. Other tests involve more direct interaction with the audiologist. The results are scored and compared against normative data for children of the same age group. Relative strengths and relative weaknesses are identified. The following subtests typically make up an auditory processing assessment: Auditory memory or sequencing for stories, sentences, words and digits Auditory discrimination between similar sounding words (chat/fat) Auditory closure for words that are missing a portion or are distorted Auditory analysis which involves breaking a word down into parts Auditory synthesis which involves building a word up by parts Speech in noise testing to test the child’s ability to ignore competing background noise Dichotic listening which involves listening to words or sentences presented to each ear at the same time Certain children present with patterns of strengths or weaknesses for certain skills. Depending on the pattern of presentation, this may result in certain difficulties in the classroom environment. Can Auditory Processing Weaknesses Be Treated? Treatment of auditory processing weaknesses is typically tailor-made for your child, depending on the pattern of weaknesses or strengths identified. Speech therapists are typically involved to provide auditory processing therapy, alternatively a home program of exercises may be suggested. Certain classroom modifications may be recommended to the teacher. If the weakness is significant, then assistive listening devices like an FM system may be helpful for some children. What can parents do to help? If you suspect that your child may be presenting with an auditory processing weakness, you can arrange for auditory processing testing to be conducted by a local audiologist . Testing is typically conducted on primary school-aged children age 6-11, but testing can be conducted on teenagers, depending on the tests available at your audiologist. The audiologist will be able to provide further information, specific to your child’s presentation.

July 11, 2016

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