Toddler - Parenting Hub

Advice from the experts

Potty Talk…

Potty training isn’t the easiest thing to do, but for the most part it runs fairly smoothly – a couple of accidents here and there, a bit of frustration, many hours of potty entertainment, and eventual mastery. But what happens when you seem to have got it all down and suddenly your 3 year old is afraid to make a poo? Before you go rushing off to play therapy, there are a couple of things you can consider… If your child is under 4 years old, this behaviour is not out of the normal age range, but if your child was doing really well with toilet training up until this point and then suddenly regressed then it may be something that needs addressing. Firstly, make sure your child is not constipated. The majority of issues come about because of constipation, which then makes it uncomfortable or even painful to pass a stool. Make sure your child drinks lots of water (they sometimes forget when they’re having too much fun), gets enough fruit and veg every day, and maybe even add some prunes or something similar to her diet for a while. Try cutting out constipating foods like bread, pap, red meats, bananas and sugar. Constipation can also be the result of being afraid to go to the loo, where kids hold it in for long periods of time. Compacted faeces can cause greater issues, so if you suspect this, follow the guidelines above and consider seeing your family practitioner. Sometimes potty issues can come about due to strong emotional experiences at the time of potty training. Ask yourself if any major changes have happened at the same time – a parent going away, divorce, death in the family, arrival of a new sibling, even going on holiday can be stressful for some kids. If there is an emotional connection, speak to your child about this, address her fears, lay off the pressure on potty training for a while, and consider doing some relaxation exercises with your child. The next question to ask is if there are any benefits for your child for soiling her pants. Does she get additional attention (even negative) or anything like that? If there are some hidden benefits to it, you’ll need to address those in more positive ways first. You also need to look at how potty training is handled at school. It is worth digging in to this a bit, as the school may tell you that accidents and messes are handled well, but in my experience this is not always the case. Address whether it is possible that there was some shaming or embarrassment that has happened to your child, or even one of the other children at school. You need to reassure your child that everyone messes sometimes (even adults) and it is not a big deal. I would never offer rewards for going to the toilet – this may add additional stress. Your child may be genuinely unable to consciously control it. Also, never shame your child for soiling their pants. Make sure she knows that you are not cross or upset by it. The less emphasis you put on it the better. Explain that you know she is doing her best and that you are there if she needs to talk to you about anything that is worrying her. And then leave it. Don’t push for information, just be present. When your child does soil her pants, don’t make a big deal out of it. Explain that all kids do that sometimes and it is really ok (if you have a story about yourself doing it as a child then it is worth relating that). Show your child how to deal with it so that if she wants to she can clean it up herself (give her some power back in her life) – show her how to empty it into the loo, and to rinse her panties in the sink and how to put them in the wash, or however you handle it. She probably won’t do a very good job about it, but praise her for her efforts. Again, don’t force her – only if she wants to be involved. You could also offer her the option of wearing a nappy for a while until she feels ok to go to the loo again – be careful how you handle this though – she mustn’t feel like she’s regressing or that it is a punishment. Point out other kids her age still wearing nappies and explain that it is normal at her age to still have accidents. Maybe she won’t want to do this at school but may be ok to wear one at home, or even just when she feels she needs to poo. Also, make going to the toilet as natural as possible. Let her come to the bathroom with you when you go and be chatty about making a poo and how good it feels etc. You may also look for books at the library or online that can help you to address the subject with her in a fun way. Here are some you can check out: It Hurts When I Poop! a Story for Children Who Are Scared to Use the Potty Where’s the Poop? I Can’t, I Won’t, No Way!: A Book For Children Who Refuse to Poop “Bloop, Bloop!” Goes the Poop Try taking this relaxed, no big deal approach and see how she does. Be patient with her. If she did have someone shout at her at school or is feeling stressed because of it, it may take her some time to reestablish trust with the toilet! Give it a try and if you still don’t come right then consider taking your child to see a play therapist or someone with experience in dealing with these issues. Good luck!

May 29, 2017

Top 10 Fun Outdoor Games and Activities for Kids

A happy kid makes a happy parent. And what a better way to make your kids happy than by letting them engage in some outdoor activity? There are endless activities that your kid can engage in. However, some of them tend to do more harm than good. It’s wise to choose an activity that matches your child’s age and physical abilities. This will ensure that your kid gets the most from it. So what are some of the best outdoor games and activities your child can participate in? Below we look at 10 recommendations that might work with your child. 1. Camping You know what; your kid is not too young for camping. This outdoor activity teaches your kid a thing or twoabout survival and other responsibilities that prepare them for adulthood. You can choose to camp together so that your kid doesn’t feel left out. However, your kid can do it solo in case the camping ground is within the home. In this case, you’ll need to have some good monitoring to guarantee the safety of your child. 2. Stargazing Most kids have a love for shiny things and it’s even more amazing when you give them the chance to explore lots of the shiny things. These are none other than the stars, something that won’t cost you even a penny. Just go out on a cloudless night and let your kid appreciate what the heavens have to offer. In case your kid seems to take more interest in it, then it’s time that you take it to the next level. You can purchase a kids’ telescope and download a star map to make the stargazing activity more engaging. 3. Hiking Not all of us are lucky to live in areas where mountains are within easy reach. But that doesn’t mean that your kid can’t benefit from taking a hike. It doesn’t have to be a mountain; a small hill might just suffice. Hiking works to develop your kid’s strength and endurance. And it’s, even more, fun when you do it together. Just ensure to take some rest in between the hike so that it does more good than harm. 4. Riding balance bike Riding is one outdoor activity that many kids just can’t resist. However, to get the most out of it, your kid has to start small. Forget about training wheels and instead get your kid a balance bike. The good thing about this outdoor activity is that it requires close monitoring from the parent, hence a strong bond between parent and child. To add more fun, you need to ensure that you choose the right balance bike for your kid; one that’s got a perfect balance of comfort and safety. This outdoor activity can be done just at the comfort of your home. 5. Flying kites Seeing a kite soaring up high in the skies is one thing that your kid just can’t resist. Though there are some kites available for purchase, it would be more fun in case you and your child make one for yourself. The right moment for this activity is when there’s a gentle wind blowing. However, you have the chance to do it on a calm day. What you need is just tie the end of the string on your child’s balance bike and off you go. 6. Gardening We live, eat and walk nature. Therefore you need to give your kid a chance to add something to mother nature. And there’s no better way of doing that than by showing your child some gardening skills. You can start small by letting your kid water the plants after which you can teach on garden maintenance. Let your kid plant something and see it grow by the day. It’s something that will literally make your child want to do more. 7. Riding electric car There are many ways through which your kid can get that wonderful ride. But many require some effort from both the parent and child. Electric carseliminate all the hassles of pushing and pulling. They provide a more leisure ride and come with a remote control operated by the parent for maximum safety. Some of these cars can fit more than one child, something that makes them a valuable purchase. You can choose to do it at home or go a little adventurous by letting your kid take a ride in the neighborhood. 8. Fishing Fish is among the most popular delicacies. But why let your child eat without knowing how to fish for some? Take a tour of that stream in your neighborhood and locate some hot spots where your child will have a high chance of making a catch. Fishing at a pond might seem more effective. However, making a catch in moving water proves to be more fun. Use fishing lines instead of fishing nets to make it a little bit of a challenge. Get two lines so you can fish together. 9. Landscaping A well-trimmed lawn or hedge makes any home stand out. Why not let your kid give you a hand in letting you achieve that? Go ahead and teach your child some landscaping skills. For the safety of your child, you can start out with those toy-like landscaping tools. Once your kid gets a grasp of the tools, you can upgrade to the real landscaping tools. This is an activity that teaches your kid some home maintenance skills. 10. Limbo The game of limbo is among the most loved athletic endeavors that give your child an opportunity to have some fun and test their flexibility and balance. This activity doesn’t have to cost you that much. All you need is just some upbeat music and a pole. It’s, even more, fun when two adults participate in the game. This means that both parents need to be involved. Conclusion These are some of the best outdoor activities that your kid can engage in. Apart from letting them have some fun, some of these

May 26, 2017

Toddler Food Battles

Solving a complex problem at work, finally achieving a personal goal is nothing compared to your child finishing a whole plate of food. Isn’t it amazing that no matter how big your accomplishments in your day, NOTHING, absolutely nothing compares to the satisfaction you get watching your toddler successfully finish a meal. You can sleep peacefully know your baby has eaten ‘well’! Having a fussy eater is more common than you may think. While some babies eat almost anything they can get their little hands on, other babies are a lot pickier. Some fussy eaters are simply trying to express their independence with a say in what, when, where and how they eat. Others just need some coaxing, distraction and gentle encouragement. Perhaps your family dinner table has become a battleground? Then it is time to take the stress out of mealtimes with your toddler and child, end the arguments over food, and feed your fussy eaters. There is nothing like a food battle to cause stress and anxiety in parents – take heart and remember fussy eating isn’t just common, it’s normal! Understanding your child A classic time for problems to arise is when your baby is 12 months old. As a child is more aware of the world his natural instincts make him more suspicious of new foods. Nature’s way of protecting us from eating food that is potentially harmful. If you’re one of the lucky parents that sailed through weaning, another common time for problems to arise is during the challenging 2’s. Having lulled you into a false sense of security, your toddler could wake one morning with dietary requirements that even a top chef would struggle to meet. Children’s appetites are affected by growth cycles and they have different taste preferences to adults. You will encourage her appetite to work properly if you give her more when she’s hungry and let her eat less when she’s not interested. Growth slows down and appetites fluctuate between one and five years of age. Studies have shown that most children get plenty to eat even if it seems like they are barely eating at all. Try looking at mealtimes from a child’s perspective. Toddlers have a different agenda: from their point of view, eating is a waste of their playing time, and if we make mealtimes boring by nagging, it’s even worse. Here are some tips to help your little fussy eater learn to eat better, while giving you some peace of mind. 1. Put your mind at rest: If you are concerned about the health of your child, take her for a check up at the doctor to rule out any potential health problems. Keep a food diary for 2 weeks and record EVERYTHING that she eats and drinks (include quantities). You can then get this assessed by a health professional to assess adequate nutritional intake. Give an appropriate vitamin & mineral supplement during the fussy eating phase. 2. Stay off the battle field: Remember picky eating can also be a child’s way of asserting his independence and may have less to do with the actual food than his need to push the limits of your authority and assert some control over his life. This is why pressurizing a child to eat often back fires and you become a ‘casualty of war’. 3. Wean at the appropriate age Weaning late has shown some link to fussing eating. Parents who delay introducing their babies to chewy food and a variety of tastes could find their babies grow up developing food fads. A recent study showed that babies should be introduced to a more varied diet between the ages of 6 to 9 months to decrease the risk of becoming fussy eaters. Babies learning to eat will spit food out, and this is more than likely due to a ‘tongue-reflex’ action than a sign that your baby doesn’t like the food. Keep trying with that food and soon he will get used to it and swallow. 4. Fun food presentation Sandwiches cut into moon shapes, cracker with a smiley face, carrot sticks as soldiers and apple boats can make food presentation more enticing Presenting meals as a smorgasbord from which they can pick and choose from a variety of colours, shapes and textures. Toddlers and young children prefer foods that are identifiable and not one big mush. Using a compartmentalized plate that prevents different foods from touching is a great help. 5. Make mealtimes fun and relaxed Use it as an extension of playtime and time when you and your baby can bond uninterrupted (no cell phone calls or sms’s !!!). Do puzzles, read a book, tell a story. 6. Educate Talk about the food and its value in simple terms. E.g. this piece of chicken will help your muscles grow strong like daddy (or superman!!) and this carrot will give you beautiful eyes like Cinderella! 7. Involve your child in food preparation By involving your child they will be likely to eat what THEY have made and may eat a bit while preparing their meal. 8. Empower your child in decision making Allow your toddler to choose between two food options. Children are more likely to eat food they have chosen for themselves. 9. Serve simple, easy to prepare meals. There is nothing more demoralizing than spending ages cooking a gourmet meal for your baby, who after the first spoonful turns her head away. Prepare easy meals that you know your child likes and should they refuse the food, offer one alternative that is a sure win e.g. Yogurt. 10. Milk intake By the age of one, babies need drink only 500ml of milk daily. Most babies can go onto cow’s milk from one years of age unless health reasons dictate otherwise. Do not substitute milk for meals 11. Social eating People are social beings as are our children. Nothing makes a toddler want his food more than having another toddler after his food. Invite a friend over

May 26, 2017

Help Your Child to Read

Helping your child learn to read and to love reading is probably the greatest gift you can give them. Reading opens a whole world of communication, learning and imagination. So, when you help your child learn to read, you open up the whole universe for them. Reading is not centred in just one part of the brain and that’s one of the main reasons that it can be so difficult for some children to learn to read. There are different parts of the brain that need to work together, at exactly the same time. These parts of the brain have different functions and are even on opposite sides of the brain. So the communication between all the parts of the brain needs to be at its best. Just think what you are actually doing when you read and you will realise the complexity of this wonderful pastime that we can spend so many relaxing hours doing once it is mastered. In my work I see many children struggling to develop early reading skills and parents want to help them but often just don’t know where to begin. Very often all the input to help the child actually starts at the stage of actually reading and trying to sound out words. This is starting too high up the ladder for many children. That is why I just had to share my own experience and methods, creating a program that parents can use to build visual skills, auditory skills and develop close communication between the different parts of the brain involved in reading. A fun and games approach to developing the basic skills to really learn to read. When we read, our brains have to link the visual codes our eyes see with the sound code that each letter represents; and visual and sound processing are done on opposite sides of the brain. There are subtle differences between the parts of the visual code (letters) as well as between the different sounds they represent. Children need to be able to recognise the similarities as well as the differences of the sounds and of the printed letters. And this has to be done in an instant! We also have to notice the subtle differences between the different letters. For example, ‘b’ and ‘d’ are the same but just back to front and ‘t’ and ‘f’ also confuse many children who struggle with perceiving subtle visual differences. We need to be able to notice when letters are close together, making a word and when there is a small gap between the letters of different words. This is visual perception and develops through our interaction with the real world around us. From the moment we are born and we start moving our hands and legs, we are learning about where things are and what size and shape they are. The more we play with real objects and move them and move ourselves around them, the more we develop our visual perception for shape, size and special relations (what things are close together, far apart, back-to-front, upside-down). So the first thing you can do to begin preparing your child for reading is to let them play obstacle courses. Who would have thought this was step one of learning to read? By the way, spatial perception is also important to maths. So, get your child to make obstacle courses! As your child develops his control and understanding, you can let him make letters out of play-dough and draw letters in sea sand or snow or on a mirror, using shaving foam. But knowing the shapes of letters is no good on its own. He also needs to be able to recognises and differentiate the sounds that letters represent and he must be able to separate the different sounds in the words he hears. I frequently meet children in my practice who have good a vocabulary and speak well but struggle to tell me what the first sound or last sound of a word is. When we read we are joining sounds together to make words. When we spell, we are working out the sounds in a word and then assigning the correct letter to represent that sound. Both these tasks need us to be able to notice the separate sounds that combine to make a word. We also need to be able to hear the subtle differences between the sounds: ‘ch’ and ‘sh’; the soft ‘t’ versus the harder sound of ‘d’ or ‘c’ and ‘g’. Parents can teach their children rhymes and play word games, such as “I Spy”. These games help develop the auditory processing to separate out the different sounds in words. Play good old-fashioned games with rhyming and skipping or rhyming and clapping. This way, you will help your child develop the sense of rhythm and rhyme and the communication between both sides of the brain to help speed up his ability to link the sight of letters and words with the sound. There is a lot you can do to help your child be ready to learn to read; and most of it is fun and games! Once you’ve helped him develop the underlying skills and enjoy playing with words and letters, he will be ready to learn to read and to love reading.

May 25, 2017

Childhood Allergies

Spring is set to arrive soon and what a wonderful time of the year it is, unless, of course, you’re the parent of a child plagued with allergy symptoms that are exacerbated at this time of the year. Seasonal allergies, commonly known as hay fever, are caused by pollens from trees and grasses or airborne mould spores. Symptoms include sneezing, itching of the nose and mouth, red, watery and itchy eyes and a consistently thin and clear discharge from the nose that may also become blocked. However year-round allergies to house dust, animal dander, feathers, mites and chemicals may also be troubling your child. And then, of course, there are food allergies. In infants the first symptom of a food allergy may be a rash such as eczema (atopic dermatitis) or a rash that resembles hives. This may be accompanied by colic, nausea, vomiting and diarrhoea. However food allergies in children can also contribute to chronic health problems, such as asthma, ear infections, fatigue, headache, irritability, chronic runny nose, acne, bedwetting and even difficulty maintaining concentration (attention deficit disorder, or hyperactivity). Dark circles under the eyes (called “allergic shiners”), along with a puffy look to the face, are frequently seen. (Cow’s milk is very often the culprit here). Allergic children often look wan or pallid and lack vitality. This is because food allergies can also cause digestive problems that interfere with the absorption of vitamins and minerals, no matter how nutritious the diet In the presence of an allergen, a child’s built-in defence system releases histamines and similar chemicals to fight what it perceives as an invader. A string of reactions such as the swelling and congestion of nasal passages and increased mucous production results. Conventional medicine using prescription antihistamines, nasal sprays or decongestants, treats symptoms only. Many of these medications have nasty side-effects and if used consistently may lose their effect or rapidly produce dependency. A Nutritional Therapy Approach To Treating Food Allergies The most common foods that cause allergic reactions in children are wheat, dairy products, eggs, fish and seafood, chocolate, citrus fruits, soy products, corn, nuts, peanuts and berries. On the chemical list are additives such as artificial colourants, preservatives (e.g. benzoic acid), flavour enhancers (e.g. MSG) and sulphites found in some frozen foods, dried fruits and medications. To identify what foods are making your child miserable use an elimination diet or keep a diary recording your child’s symptoms and the foods eaten. (Some children seem to be particularly drawn to a problematic food and actually crave it, so be wary if your child wants to live on peanut butter or wheat bread or dairy products). Simply eliminate the suspected food from the diet for a few weeks and watch for improvements. Eliminating all dairy products would be a good place to start. Dairy foods can stimulate an increase in mucous production. Rice, oats or goat’s milk are possible alternatives. If your child’s allergies are seasonal, it may also be helpful to avoid whole wheat during the allergy season. Good substitutes include buckwheat, corn/maize, rice, millet and quinoa. If all the identified problem foods are eliminated from a child’s diet for at least 6 months and then introduced slowly one by one she should be able to tolerate small amounts of these foods. What Else Can Help? Encourage your child to drink lots of water to thin secretions and ease expectoration. Allergic children need a good wholesome diet comprising mainly raw fruit and vegetables. Avoid giving your child any processed foods as they will contain some of the additives mentioned previously. Nutritional Supplements That May Help Vitamin C, preferably in mineral ascorbate form with bioflavonoids, is a natural anti-histamine and a powerful promoter of a strong immune system, making it the most important anti-allergy vitamin. MSM (methylsuphonyl methane) is being prescribed more and more for its anti-allergenic properties. Essential fatty acids, such as those found in fish oil help to regulate the inflammatory response. Quercetin, a plant bioflavonoid naturally found in many fruits and vegetables, acts as anti-inflammatory agent and stabilises mast cells in allergy sufferers. Mast cells become unstable during an allergic reaction and release large quantities of histamine. A high quality green whole food multivitamin and mineral supplement will ensure optimum intake of essential nutrients and sufficient digestive enzymes. Ways To Prevent Allergies In the past it was believed that it was essential to avoid sensitization of infants before birth and for the first three years of life and so moms were advised to reduce exposure of the foetus/infant to known food allergens. However despite this, food allergy in children has increased world wide. Now there is a new take based on “The Development of Oral Tolerance” whereby it is believed that by exposing an infant before and after birth to small quantities of foreign proteins, the child’s immune system is stimulated to produce anti-bodies. Mothers are now encouraged to eat a wide range of foods during pregnancy, so that small amounts of all kinds of proteins can cross the placenta to sensitize the foetus. Mothers should also breastfeed for at least 4 months while eating a wide range of different foods. For infants that cannot be breastfed, hydrolysed infant formulas and goat’s milk formulas are a safer option than soy-based formulas. Soya is a well-known allergen which can cause as many allergic reactions as cow’s milk. Holding back on solid foods until baby is 5 months old is still recommended and using only one solid food at a time in small portions (1 teaspoon a day) to keep track of any adverse reactions. The latest research also suggests that pregnant women would do well to take supplemental probiotics every day for a few weeks before their due dates and while breast-feeding as this may help prevent childhood allergies. Bottle-fed and caesarian-section infants ought to be given probiotics orally from birth. Encouragingly most children, except those suffering from peanut allergy, outgrow their allergic response. Statistics show that 25% of infants are free of symptoms

May 24, 2017

Anxiety In Children

Most psychologists and other mental health professionals use The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – Fourth Edition Revised (DSM-1V R) to diagnose various difficulties or problems in children, adolescents and adults. Having a name or a “label”is useful in many ways, for example without a name and specific criteria it becomes difficult for further research with regard to understanding and developing effective and valuable treatment. (Medical Aid schemes in South Africa won’t reimburse clients without a diagnosis). A name for the difficulty also makes it easier for parents to understand and often provides relief with the next point of receiving effective treatment from the clinical or child psychologist. A common clinical diagnosis in children is anxiety. Anxiety is the umbrella term for various types of anxiety which can be described as follows: Social Anxiety Disorder A child or adolescent with a social anxiety disorder shows significant and persistent fear of social situations in which they perceive potential embarrassment or rejection may occur. They experience acute (immediate) physical reactions to feared social reactions. These children often know their fears are greatly exaggerated, however feel powerless, hopeless and overwhelmed to do anything about them. They often avoid the situation which fills them with dread at any cost to the detriment of their academic and social life. Some children may just be fearful of one or a few social situations. In this instance the difficulty is referred to as a specific social phobia. When a youngster is afraid and avoids many social situations, it is referred to social anxiety disorder. Generally, the symptoms fall into three categories: Cognitive symptoms, what a child/adolescent ‘thinks’. However, are not always evident in young children as they may react with intense anxiety and not be able to verbalise what is distressing for them. Physical reactions, how the body reacts to situations; and Behaviour, which is mostly the avoidance of the perceived fearful situation. Separation Anxiety Disorder The crux of this disorder is excessive anxiety about being separated from the person to whom the child is most closely attached. For most children, this is the parent, especially the mother. Fear of separation from the mother or father is a normal part of development in children between the ages of eight and fifteen months. At this stage in their development, children are expected to object to separation vociferously with tears and other signs of distress. However, in older children extreme anxiety from brief separations from their parent/s is not developmentally appropriate. Separation anxiety disorder thus becomes detrimental to the child and stressful for the parent. Children with separation anxiety disorder typically cry, scream and cling on to their parent when faced with separation. If they have to leave their home or other familiar places they become tense and fearful, especially if they have to go alone. They miss out on many fun aspects of being a child such as going to parties and being free and having fun, or going for sleepovers. Even within their own homes children with separation anxiety are afraid to be left alone. They often follow their parents around and are reluctant to go to the bathroom or to any other room by themselves. Children with separation anxiety disorder often have significant difficulties sleeping alone. A common problem associated with Separation Anxiety Disorder is school refusal, whereby on most mornings there is an excessive upheaval and fuss to get these children ready, in the car and off to school. Difficulties in this regard are worse on Mondays, after holidays or after a bout of illness which required absence from school. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Children with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder have persistent and recurring thoughts “obsessions” that seem to have an adverse effect on their daily life and generally involve exaggerated and irrational anxiety or fears. The children feel compelled to perform repetitive behaviours, known as “compulsions”, in an attempt to ward off anxiety caused by their obsessive thoughts. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder occurs when children experience a physical, environmental or emotional trauma. Therefore, if a child has experienced a crime related trauma, such as being hijacked, experienced a burglary or mugging, or whether they experienced a natural disaster such as a flood, or being in a motor vehicle accident they may develop PTSD. One has to bear in mind though, that at times, what children experience as traumatic may not necessarily be perceived to be traumatic by adults (such as turbulence on an aeroplane) but might be especially upsetting to a child. Consequently, a child may experience the traumatic incident again and again via nightmares, continuously thinking about what happened, or by re-enacting the event when playing. Children with PTSD can experience symptoms of general anxiety such as difficulty sleeping and eating. They also tend to be irritable, avoid reminders of the trauma and are easily startled. Specific Phobias Children with a specific phobia experience intense fear of a specific object or situation (such as spiders, dogs, elevators) which is irrational or unrealistic. Children with these phobias often avoid situations linked to their fear. The most common specific phobia is the fear of animals, (especially dogs), snakes, insects and mice. Panic Disorder Children who suffer from panic attacks experience debilitating bouts of unexpected and recurring panic and fear. Panic Disorder is rare in young children, however it becomes more common among older children and adolescents. Panic attacks are relatively short periods of extreme anxiety. During a panic attack, the young person quickly by terrifying mental and physical sensations. The symptoms are: Pounding heart and/or increased heart rate Sweating Trembling and shaking Chest pain Abdominal discomfort and nausea Sensation of choking Dizziness or feeling “light headed” Feelings of unreality or detached from oneself Fear of losing control or “going crazy” Fear of dying Tingling or feeling numb Even when a child is not in the grip of a panic attack, just the thought that it could possibly happen again can make a child extremely anxious. Panic disorder causes

May 22, 2017

No Such Thing As A Naughty Child

Naughty children, naughty corners, treats for good behavior, consequences for bad behavior, identifying one child as the naughty on and the other as the good one… It’s quite hard for our kids to grow up without some sense of themselves as either good or bad. The thing is that every single person on this planet has both ‘good’ and ‘bad’ traits. We are all sometimes helpful and sometime unhelpful, sometimes stingy and sometimes generous, sometimes pleasant and sometimes grumpy. Labeling a child is the first step to creating lifelong problems. When I work with parents I look at the limiting beliefs that they have picked up over their lifetime. The most predominant of these are a variation on one of the following: I am not worthy I am not lovable I am not good enough The main reason that 99% of adults are walking around with these beliefs running their lives is because they were given the message that we are supposed to always be good. Always be kind, happy, helpful, agreeable, loving, sharing. And so we end up rejecting one half of ourselves. EVERYONE is also mean, sad, uncooperative, difficult, hateful and stingy – sometimes. It depends on what is important to us how and when we display these traits, but we all have all of them. Labelling a child as naughty makes them believe that they only have the so-called negative end of this spectrum and not the ‘good’ traits. This is just as unhealthy as striving in vain to only have the ‘good’ traits and avoid the bad. In order to love ourselves and other people we need to embrace both sides. My favourite quote is by Dr John Demartini: “No matter what I have done, or not done, I am worthy of love”. Love is about wholeness. And most of our discipline gives the message of separation. No child can be one sided and this obsession with trying to make them this way is the very source of all our problems with discipline and the reason that our kids end up with limiting beliefs about themselves. Please do away with the naughty corner and the grow good corner. There is no such thing as a naughty child or a child that needs to get rid of one half of themselves to be ok. Every child will be cooperative sometimes and uncooperative at other times, helpful and unhelpful, respectful and rude – just like all the rest of us. Children deserve to be loved no matter what they have done or not done.

May 18, 2017

Give your Children the Building Blocks they Need to Find Balance

By Marlinie Ramsamy, CEO of FranklinCovey South Africa Our children are growing up in a different world to the one where we, their parents, spent our formative years. Our children are faced with an overwhelming barrage of media that tells good stories and bad, they are under more pressure to perform on more platforms, and the structure of modern families is often more fluid than we were accustomed to. Equipping our children to navigate through their world is one of the best gifts we can give them, and I believe that there are four key tools that will help them identify their best path, and stick to it, no matter what distractions they encounter: confidence, personal resilience, emotional intelligence, self-worth. Confidence Confidence comes from young people being able to ask themselves questions, identify answers, and to have the strength of character to act on those answers. This gives them the tools they need to identify the tasks, opportunities and obstacles ahead of them, and to plan a strategy to address them all. It also allows them to identify which events are part of their concern, giving them the confidence to choose what they need to do, and not be distracted by what is not important. Resilience Resilience in children comes from them having confidence in themselves and in their personal space with their parents and families. They’re confident that the future will be fine, and that their family institution provides a backstop for all their decisions. While much of this may be tacit in a family, it’s worth learning from bigger institutions – i.e. businesses – and taking the time to create a mission statement for the family, with every family member contributing. This ensures that everyone knows where they fit into the family, and what they need to do to support one another, in turn giving everyone the resilience that they will need to face daily challenges. Emotional intelligence Emotional intelligence is being secure in the knowledge of who/whom you are and what you stand for – and it’s not just children and teenagers that need to learn this skill! Parenting requires emotional flexibility and realising that the rules that we grew up with, such as children being seen and not heard, are no longer relevant. Our children have strong opinions that they need the space to vent – and should know how to do it with respect. A society – and a family – with a high level of emotional intelligence knows that everyone has the right to their opinion, but that they also must be cognizant of others’ needs. Simply, they need to learn confidence and assertiveness, without being arrogant. Self-worth Self-worth is a state of mind, and not a competency. It includes being comfortable with what you look like and who you are, and it forms the basis of learning responsibility at every level. This could be for something as basic as understanding a timetable and packing bags accordingly, or it could be responsibility on a deeper level, relating to decisions made, friends chosen, and the nature of social interactions a young person chooses. It also extends to how they manage their time – or at least finding a sensible balance between academic, sporting and leisure activities. These four tools are built in the principles of the 7 Habits of Happy Kids by Sean Covey and Stephen R Covey, which include: Be proactive – because you’re in charge; Begin with the end in mind – have a plan; Put first things first – work first, then play; Think win-win – everyone needs to benefit; Seek first to understand, then to be understood – listen before you talk; Synergise – because together is better; and Sharpen the saw – because balance feels best! Pull out box: How do you open conversations about abstract life skills with children who respond best to tangible stimuli? Create an environment that is safe and open before you start the discussion Maintain constant and open communication Correct behaviour after each incident, rather than collecting a range of wrongs before addressing mistakes Seek mentors or coaches that can help you Use real life examples to illustrate what you’re describing Understand that children might not grasp the concept the first time you discuss it. Acknowledge and recognise the efforts they make to develop life skills Support them in their dreams Don’t try to correct your own life mistakes by forcing lessons you should have learned, on them Separate the issue and the child – for example, say “I’m really upset when you behave this way,” rather than “You have upset me because…”.

May 16, 2017

Embracing The Digital Gap

It is human nature to find fascination with things that are off limits. The DO NOT ENTER sign ignites our imaginations as to what might lie within, the secret cupboard where the gifts are kept is always the target of sneaky investigations, the age restricted movie is the one we dress up to get into. And so it is with technology and kids. If you say ‘no’ or block things it leads to an internal conflict and most likely some form of rebellion. They want to find out what it is that you’re hiding and then will do it behind your back. The generational gap has become the digital gap and it is growing. We are the infants in this world – we don’t know how to navigate it, we don’t know what the rules are, and we’re totally out of our depth in controlling it. We need to embrace technology. Our children’s world is a digital one, and if we’re not closing the gap we’re going to get lost on the other side of a chasm that we won’t even know how to bridge later on. Like all things – relationship and communication are key. Get involved online WITH your children. Use technology to enhance your relationship with them not to break it down. You need to educate yourself on the programs, places, and sites that they are into. Get onto them. Make yourself at home. Share it with them. Let technology be a family thing. Use it together. Look things up. Share videos. Play games together. If you need to replace the board game with an online family game, so be it. Let them see technology as a way to connect with you not a place where you don’t belong. You need to overcome your own fear of technology and the online world. Find a way to link it to what is important to you. Then link what’s important to you to what’s important to your kids. Make the connections. Communication is all about bridging two worlds – the world in my mind and the world in yours. Find ways for you and your children to connect through the technology and not in spite of it. If you need to block something be clear about why. Communicate. Let your children be involved in the rule making around technology. Let them understand your concerns and the risks involved. Children are far more likely to follow any rules if they understand why they’re in place and have agreed on the consequences. Technology is not going away. It is very much a part of your children’s lives. Find the good in it and enhance that. Use it as a tool to bring you closer together not further apart. Embrace the digital gap by becoming humble to learning from your kids instead of always being the teacher. It’s their world, and if you want to be a part of their world you need to be wise enough to admit that they are the masters of that world and you are merely a visitor. Be a welcomed visitor rather than a hostile invader. Embrace the digital gap and enjoy the ride that your kids will take you on.

May 10, 2017

Depression in Youth – Spot the Signs

Ryan G Edmonds A new year can often bring an anti-climax, as people realise that the problems of the previous year have not yet magically disappeared, and a whole new array of challenges often await them. This is especially true for many teenagers who, along with the pressures of life and school, can easily find themselves swept away in a stream of stress, anxiety, and depression. Data collected in South Africa shows us that every 24 hours in SA there are 22 suicides and over 220 attempted suicides, and that suicide is currently the fastest-growing cause of death in under 18’s. Who, therefore, is at risk for depression? What is the impact on untreated trauma on adolescents, and can such factors get help and support There is a growing awareness in South Africa, and globally, surrounding the issue of teen depression. Having “grown up,” parents and other adults often dismiss the troubles of adolescence as trivial or insignificant. What is vital to remember is that, regardless of whether parents have recently divorced, there was a nasty break-up with a partner, or a failed exam, in the mind of the young adult even the most seemingly ‘insignificant’ event could very often be the tipping point for what has already been a build-up of stress and depression over a period of time. Malcolm Piers* is a 17-year-old living with depression. “No one knew I was depressed. I didn’t even know. All I knew was that I felt empty on the inside; detached. I had no interest in dating or doing the things I once enjoyed. In an attempt to hide the growing ‘darkness’ within me, I would put on a happy face. It wasn’t long before the thought of suicide snuck in. I could have spoken to someone, but who? Who would understand?” Malcolm’s story is an echo for countless voices of sad, confused, frightened teens that feel alone and don’t know where to seek help. Psychiatrist, Prof. Lourens Schlebusch, international authority on stress and suicidal behaviour, has this to say: “In South Africa there is definitely a lack of access to appropriate psychological care for the vast majority of our youth. It is critical to have a thorough understanding of the risk factors and causes of suicidal behaviour in order to deal with them. It is also essential that school children, and students, be trained to identify, and manage, conflict situations and crises that could result in suicidal behaviour. Stress management is particularly important in this respect.” Many schools have wonderful facilities available to teens who seek counselling or guidance. Unfortunately the majority of South African schools do not have such resources. “Regarding child and adolescent mental health policy, introducing a multi-level system (with the first tier incorporating schools) is important,” continues Prof. Schlebusch. “Risk factors in families, children and students need to be identified. Educators should be made aware of suicide risk factors, such as dysfunctional family backgrounds, problematic relationships, changes in living conditions and potential psychopathology in the young.” By doing so, teachers and peers will be better informed as to the signs and symptoms of depression, and the necessary steps to take, therefore preventing young people from perhaps one day attempting (or committing) suicide. A common complaint from the mouths of adolescents with regard to seeking assistance for issues of mental health is a lack of finances – either money is scarce, or teens are afraid to speak to parents about assisting them pay for psychologists etc, as often domestic issues are a part of the problem. The good news is that there are many organizations in South Africa offering assistance to teenagers (and adults) at reduced rates, or free of charge. One such organization is the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG). SADAG offers callers free telephonic counselling, and referral, for all mental health issues. Once a counsellor knows the problem, the caller can be referred to the most affordable (very often ‘free-of-charge’) means of assistance. By calling 0800 21 22 23 between 8am and 8 pm seven days a week, they will find a counsellor on duty. Many youth prefer a sms service and can get help on 31393. One of the most important structures for assisting depressed, or suicidal, teens involves strong support from family and/or friends. If a person is fortunate enough to have strong support systems, it is helpful to speak to those who might be able to offer guidance or advice – even just a willing, caring ear. Many teenagers have a friend who might see the signs of depression (such as a lack of interest in pleasurable activities) and attempt to assist by encouraging open communication. Friends should remember that they aren’t doctors or mental health professionals, and therefore need not panic about having to “fix” a depressed loved-one’s problems. However, simply by being strong support, friends and family give powerful support for a person who, on the inside, feels isolated and alone. A FEW SIGNS OF TEEN DEPRESSION: Lack of energy, motivation, constant tiredness Anger, aggression, sadness, guilt, fear Feelings of hopelessness or helplessness Drop in marks or sport performance Ageneral ‘change’ in character (can be subtle) For more information on teens and depression, if you yourself suffer, or know someone who is displaying the warning signs of depression or suicide, please call SADAG (toll-free from a landline) on 0800 21 22 23, join our Facebook page ‘The South African Depression and Anxiety Group’ , or visit the SADAG website www.sadag.org

May 5, 2017

Can We Keep It In A Jar?

A parent recently sent me this question via email: “Our preschool daughters caught a lizard in the backyard and my husband told them they could keep it in a jar. I told them it was nature and they had to let it go. They both threw a tantrum and a meltdown ensued. Should I have gone along with my husband?” Aside from the fact that the parents were not working together as a mutually supportive team, they were also too focused on the lizard as an object. Instead, they could have used the capture of this lizard as an opportunity to teach the girls a little bit about respecting nature, our partnership with the world around us and an appreciation for different life forms. To this mom I would say “You were both right.” There is so much to show and teach your children about this remarkable world we live in. Match the wonders of nature with the powerful sense of wonder in your children’s mind and you might just get them away from the computer, the television and the DVDs long enough to learn more. You might even have some memorable together-time moments that will build your relationship with them. I suggest she allow them to keep it very briefly and then let it go. While holding it in a glass jar to be examined, take some digital pictures of it and allow the children to decide which ones are their favorites. Take the kids to the local library and research just exactly what a lizard is, what it eats and the most favorable conditions for its habitat. Allow the children to decide where they’ll let the little creature go and allow them to participate in the release as much as possible. This situation is also a great opportunity for an outing to your local state park to walk and examine more nature first hand. Before you leave, see if the park has a Web site with a schedule of planned activities. During the warmer months many parks have activities designed to encourage our children to connect with nature. You’ll find nature walks, demonstrations, re-enactments, guided tours and arts and craft events, just to name a few. Once the little creature is released, it doesn’t mean he’s gone and the experience is over. Instead, the creativity can now begin. Go back to those digital photos you saved and pull them into an art or photo computer program to modify. You can blow them up, print them out, or modify them with special effects to create some wonderful art projects. There are special programs for children that will allow for importing photos so the kids can color them or decorate them. If you don’t have software that will allow you to do that, pull the pictures up on the screen and allow your children to draw and color their own free-hand versions of the creature to share with family. At this point the little lizard is physically gone but the experience can continue as your children explore their own imagination and creativity as the result of an actual experience. Capturing a little piece of live nature temporarily to see and enjoy can be so enriching when someone is there to coach them properly. It’s also a great opportunity to shut off all the electronic noise around them for a while and allow them to open their eyes to the true beauty around them.

May 3, 2017

Toddlers and food

Solving a complex problem at work, finally achieving a personal goal is nothing compared to your child finishing a whole plate of food. Isn’t it amazing that no matter how big your accomplishments in your day, NOTHING, absolutely nothing compares to the satisfaction you get watching your toddler successfully finish a meal. You can sleep peacefully know your baby has eaten ‘well’! Having a fussy eater is more common than you may think. While some babies eat almost anything they can get their little hands on, other babies are a lot pickier. Some fussy eaters are simply trying to express their independence with a say in what, when, where and how they eat. Others just need some coaxing, distraction and gentle encouragement. Perhaps your family dinner table has become a battleground? Then it is time to take the stress out of mealtimes with your toddler and child, end the arguments over food, and feed your fussy eaters. There is nothing like a food battle to cause stress and anxiety in parents – take heart and remember fussy eating isn’t just common, it’s normal! Understanding your child A classic time for problems to arise is when your baby is 12 months old. As a child is more aware of the world his natural instincts make him more suspicious of new foods. Nature’s way of protecting us from eating food that is potentially harmful. If you’re one of the lucky parents that sailed through weaning, another common time for problems to arise is during the challenging 2’s. Having lulled you into a false sense of security, your toddler could wake one morning with dietary requirements that even a top chef would struggle to meet. Children’s appetites are affected by growth cycles and they have different taste preferences to adults. You will encourage her appetite to work properly if you give her more when she’s hungry and let her eat less when she’s not interested. Growth slows down and appetites fluctuate between one and five years of age. Studies have shown that most children get plenty to eat even if it seems like they are barely eating at all. Try looking at mealtimes from a child’s perspective. Toddlers have a different agenda: from their point of view, eating is a waste of their playing time, and if we make mealtimes boring by nagging, it’s even worse. Some practical tips Here are some tips to help your little fussy eater learn to eat better, while giving you some peace of mind. Put your mind at rest: If you are concerned about the health of your child, take her for a check up at the doctor to rule out any potential health problems. Keep a food diary for 2 weeks and record EVERYTHING that she eats and drinks (include quantities). You can then get this assessed by a health professional to assess adequate nutritional intake. Give an appropriate vitamin & mineral supplement during the fussy eating phase. Stay off the battle field: Remember picky eating can also be a child’s way of asserting his independence and may have less to do with the actual food than his need to push the limits of your authority and assert some control over his life. This is why pressurizing a child to eat often back fires and you become a ‘casualty of war’. Wean at the appropriate age Weaning late has shown some link to fussing eating. Parents who delay introducing their babies to chewy food and a variety of tastes could find their babies grow up developing food fads. A recent study showed that babies should be introduced to a more varied diet between the ages of 6 to 9 months to decrease the risk of becoming fussy eaters. Babies learning to eat will spit food out, and this is more than likely due to a ‘tongue-reflex’ action than a sign that your baby doesn’t like the food. Keep trying with that food and soon he will get used to it and swallow. Fun food presentation Sandwiches cut into moon shapes, cracker with a smiley face, carrot sticks as soldiers and apple boats can make food presentation more enticing Presenting meals as a smorgasbord from which they can pick and choose from a variety of colours, shapes and textures. Toddlers and young children prefer foods that are identifiable and not one big mush. Using a compartmentalized plate that prevents different foods from touching is a great help. Make mealtimes fun and relaxed Use it as an extension of playtime and time when you and your baby can bond uninterrupted (no cell phone calls or sms’s !!!). Do puzzles, read a book, tell a story. Educate Talk about the food and its value in simple terms. E.g. this piece of chicken will help your muscles grow strong like daddy (or superman!!) and this carrot will give you beautiful eyes like Cinderella! Involve your child in food preparation By involving your child they will be likely to eat what THEY have made and may eat a bit while preparing their meal. Empower your child in decision making Allow your toddler to choose between two food options. Children are more likely to eat food they have chosen for themselves. Serve simple, easy to prepare meals. There is nothing more demoralizing than spending ages cooking a gourmet meal for your baby, who after the first spoonful turns her head away. Prepare easy meals that you know your child likes and should they refuse the food, offer one alternative that is a sure win e.g. Yogurt. Milk intake By the age of one, babies need drink only 500ml of milk daily. Most babies can go onto cow’s milk from one years of age unless health reasons dictate otherwise. Do not substitute milk for meals Social eating People are social beings as are our children. Nothing makes a toddler want his food more than having another toddler after his food. Invite a friend over who has a good appetite and watch how

April 26, 2017

Taming our toddlers…

We have all had it happen, our toddler has turned from this gentle and calm individual to suddenly biting, hitting and being aggressive toward not only us but everyone! So why does this happen, what has changed in your baby’s life that they are suddenly owning the name “terrible 2”? The good thing to know is that this behaviour is all part of normal development. With your toddler still learning how to master his or her language skills and having the desire to become independent, this all places them at a very frustrating part of their lives. This does not mean that you need to ignore this behaviour but rather that you guide your toddler to understanding that this behaviour is unacceptable and provide other means for them to express their feelings. Your toddler is at the stage where learning logical consequences for their actions is required. This means that if your child is playing in the ball pit and suddenly starts throwing the balls intentionally at the other toddlers in the way, take him out. Sit down and explain in a calm manner that he can go back but cannot throw the balls at other children. Toddlers don’t possess the cognitive maturity to be able to imagine themselves in another child’s place or to change their behaviour based on verbal reasoning, but they can understand consequences. This means that trying to reason with your toddler will be fruitless. Ensuring that you remain calm is critical. Your toddler will react to your screaming or hitting and will get more riled up. By you controlling your temper and how you handle the situation you will be teaching him on how to control his. Through the setting of clear limits, you need to respond to your toddler immediately when any is aggression involved. Do not wait until the third time of him hitting hus sibling before getting involved. Removing your toddler out of the situation for a brief minute is the best way to provide time to cool down. After a couple times of repeating this behaviour on your part, your toddler will begin to understand that the behaviour has a consequences. More importantly, rather than giving your child attention only when they are misbehaving, try to catch the good behaviour as well. The rewarding of good behaviour should out weigh the bad. More importantly, if you are feel like you cannot cope and require assistance, never be afraid to ask. We all need a little help from time to time and this should not be the reason as to why you are not seeking assistance. Make sure that you take some “mommy time” to ensure that you are mentally fit to cope with your toddler.

April 18, 2017

Are you putting your child at risk with their daily body care routine?

Would you clean your child with a chemical that is also used to degrease car engines? Well the startling fact is that Sodium Lauryl Suphate (SLS), an ingredient still in use in many children’s body care products, is also used to clean car engines! Every day our children are potentially exposed to many chemicals — the vast majority of which have never been screened for safety. I’m not a doctor, a chemist or a scientist. I’m a Mom who believes that my child has the right to be free from exposure to harmful chemicals, artificial ingredients and nasty preservatives. When my son was born I felt it was my duty to understand those long lists of ingredients on his skin care products and that I had a responsibility as his mother to reduce his exposure to toxins. Doing my homework has at times been an enlightening journey of discovery while often a shocking eye opener. I had always thought that for these toxins to be harmful they needed to swallowed or inhaled. What I forgot is that the skin is the body’s largest organ and is absorptive. Whether a chemical is soaked in through the skin, or an aerosol spray is inhaled, or suds wash down the drain and back into the drinking water supply – they can easily end up in your child’s body. What I find most alarming is the fact that many of the children’s skin care products on the market are not only harmful to their skin but also to their long term health. Many of these ingredients are known carcinogens (cancer-causing substances) and they are used by the industry simply because they are cheap. When exposed to toxic chemicals, even small doses can affect your child’s sensitive and developing body, leaving them vulnerable to allergies and frequent bouts of infections, colds, and even behavioural challenges. What research is telling us to avoid The following are just some of the synthetic chemicals that have been identified by scientific studies to be harmful to health. Sodium Lauryl Suphate (SLS) and Ammonium Lauryl Sulfate (ALS )- SLS is a surfactant that creates lather in formulas. Often described as being “derived from coconut”, which disguises their toxic nature, these chemicals are commonly used in shampoos, toothpaste, soaps and bubble baths. SLS and ALS can cause severe skin irritation, and are easily absorbed into the body through the skin, building up in the brain, heart, lungs and liver, leading to potential long term health problems. SLS and ALS may also cause cataracts, and prevent children’s eyes from developing properly. Paraben- Parabens are preservatives widely used in skin care and baby products to prolong their shelf life. They are suspected to be carcinogenic and can cause rashes and allergic reactions. Propylene Glycol- Found in many creams and cleansers, Propylene Glycol can cause skin rashes and contact dermatitis, and has been shown to cause damage to the kidneys and liver. Isopropyl Alcohol- Alcohol is used as a solvent in many skin care products. It causes skin irritation and strips the skin of its natural acid mantle, promoting the growth of bacteria, moulds and viruses. DEA (Diethanolamine), TEA (Triethanolamine) and MEA (Monoethanolamine)- These substances are harsh solvents and detergents that are used in body creams as an emollient. They can cause allergic reactions, and long term use of DEA-based products (such as Cocamide DEA) have been linked to an increase in the incidence of liver and kidney cancer. Mineral Oil- Mineral oil is derived from petroleum (crude oil), and is commonly found as a main ingredient of face and body creams. Baby Oil is 100% mineral oil! It coats the skin like a plastic film, clogging pores and stops the skin from eliminating toxins, which can lead to acne and other skin disorders. Other petroleum based ingredients include paraffin wax, paraffin oil and petrolatum. Polyethylene Glycol (PEG)- PEG is used as a thickener in skin care products. PEGs interfere with the skin’s natural moisture balance, which accelerates ageing and leaves the skin vulnerable to bacteria. Talc- Talc is a soft mineral used in talcum powders. Inhaling powders containing talc may be harmful to long term health. Saccharin- Saccharin is an artificial sweetener added to many types of toothpaste. It’s been banned in many countries. We have become so addicted to sweets, we can’t even motivate our children to brush unless artificial sweeteners have been added to them. How to protect your child from toxins Examine the labels of your children’s skin care products carefully, and learn to recognize ingredients that are harmful to their skin and their health. Don’t be fooled by the words ‘natural’ or ‘organic’ on the label. Many products contain one or two natural or organic ingredients, but they may also contain harmful synthetic chemicals as well. Read all the ingredients and keep an eye open for the ones listed above. Whenever possible, choose products with 100% natural ingredients. Find a company you can trust that will give you simple, safe ingredients. [box type=”note” style=”rounded”]If you value the importance of natural kiddie body care then KiddieKix is offering a limited number of opportunities for Agents to help spread the goodness. Click here for more info. [/box] [hr]

April 14, 2017

Children and Sexual Curiosity

The famous human sexual response researcher, William Masters (1925 – 2001), an American gynaecologist, was known to play a game with newborn boys during delivery: ‘Can I get the cord cut before the kid has an erection?’ He often failed since most boys are born with a fully erect penis. He also observed that all baby girls lubricated vaginally in the first 4 to 6 hours of life, and that during sleep, spontaneous erections or vaginal lubrication occur every 80 to 90 minutes throughout our entire life span. Despite being born with sexuality as an inherent part of a child’s being, expressions of a sexual nature often leave parents with a feeling of discomfort and concern. ‘Sexual nature’ in this context refers to behaviour which includes touching, sexual identification, exploring one’s own body and those of others, sexual language, masturbation, and games or interaction which have sexual connotations. Although children vary in their interest in sexuality, they are all naturally curious about their own bodies and those of others. Investigative peeking games, which entail ‘you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine’, are quite natural and occur in 85% of children between the ages of 3 and 7. Rest assured that these games are considered normal and are viewed as non-sexual behaviour. Apart from playing peek-a-boo with others, it is also well known that girls discover their magic buttons of pleasure. A girl may become aware of a pleasurable sensation caused by the friction of her panty, riding on her bicycle, climbing ropes or trees or gently rocking or rubbing her teddy between her legs. ‘Masturbation’ is such a weighty word to use when talking about our innocent girls, and although polite society doesn’t freely discuss matters of such delicacy, we should realise that it is quite a natural, non-sexual occurrence. Her private enjoyment of self-stimulation should be viewed in the light and innocent character of all childish diversions. You may find that she masturbates when she is tired, bored or simply relaxing. Perhaps all we need to do is explain to our little darlings that it is a private matter, and as long as she doesn’t pick the supermarket, the neighbours’ Sunday barbeque or the beachfront for private playtime, all is well. To illustrate this principle, we have a lovely account of a father reading a bedtime story to his 20-month-old little girl. Sophie would sometimes enjoy her ‘happy wiggle’ as she relaxed and listened to the calm and comforting voice of her father. In these instances, her dad would pause and say, ‘Do you want to be alone, or do you want to hear the story?’ Although worried about Sophie’s behaviour at first, her parents found that once they had discussed this openly and told her it was something she should do in private, it stopped being such a big deal. Notably, Sophie was educated in a positive way without leaving her with feelings of guilt and shame. Well worth mentioning too is certain sexual behaviour that merits some reason for concern: this includes attempting or imitating sexual intercourse with a friend, dolls or soft toys; attempts to insert objects in her or a friend’s anus or vagina; oral-genital contact; demanding that others take part in explicit sexual activities, and obsessive self-stimulation. Based on the fact that these tendencies are uncommon in emotionally healthy children but common amongst children who have been victims of abuse, these deviances do need intervention from the adult. Please listen when the little ones talk about things that seem grown-up and removed from their frame of reference. They do not have the cognitive capabilities to talk about sexual acts unless they’ve experienced it. Symptoms of possible abuse include a change in behaviour which reveals anger, hostility, aggression or withdrawal, nightmares, bed-wetting and fear of the dark, regression to babyish habits, or displaying reticence towards or fear for a person or a situation. School grades and attention span may also be affected.

March 28, 2017

Finding The Cause Of Misbehaviour

Understanding misbehavior is the first step to both preventing it and dealing with it when it happens. Our modern lifestyles mean things are fast-paced and intense and we often, as parents, don’t take the time necessary to understand what is going on with our kids. All misbehaviour is simply a result. What we need to look for is the cause. Finding this is easier than you think, if everyone makes a bit of time! In our home we have what we call the “thinking chair”. I’m not in favour of a “naughty corner” as this gives the child the impression that they are naughty themselves; that it is them, and not their behaviour that is unacceptable. And these are the kind of messages given in childhood that end up with people sitting in my coaching chair 20 years later! A “thinking chair” on the other hand is just a place to sit and calm down so that everyone is in a state to find out the cause of the behaviour. And please note that this thinking chair is not only for the kids – if one of us, as the parents, is having a moment or losing our tempers, we also take some time out on the thinking chair until we have calmed down enough to deal with whatever it is we weren’t handling at the time. This ensures that the kids get the message that the thinking chair is not a bad place for bad children, or that they are somehow different or less than us, but that we all have times where we feel out of control and this is normal and you are still ok as a human being; There are times when all of us need some time on our own so that our moods do not affect everyone in our environment. What I have found with this “thinking chair” philosophy is that it only takes a few minutes for whoever is on it to calm down or cry it out, and then we sit together and discuss the REAL cause of the problem – what is going on underneath the surface that has brought you to this state? Even small children have some great insights into their own behaviour if you’ll only take the time to ask. And children, like all human beings, really appreciate being heard. We all feel loved when someone cares enough to hear what we have to say and to really listen to what is bothering us. And once you know the cause, it is usually fairly obvious what the solution is too. Most misbehaviour in kids is a cry for help or a desperate attempt to be heard. They may have a need that is not being met, they may have had a tough day at school, they may be in pain (either emotional or physical), or they may just be tired. None of these deserves punishment, and none of these will be solved by labelling a child “naughty” – in fact, these labels are more likely to produce the kind of behaviour you’re trying to avoid! So give your kids, and yourself, the one thing we all need for understanding and problem solving – time. Time to calm down, time to be heard, time to come up with creative solutions to everyday problems, time to feel loved. And remember, if you do not love yourself fully you will always find it difficult to pass love on to the people in your life. If you have unresolved issues from your own childhood that have resulted in you not feeling lovable or worthy, make a plan to sort this out – clearing up your own childhood is the best way to let your kids enjoy theirs.

March 23, 2017

Staying Calm at Bedtime

There’s nothing quite like coming to the end of a busy day with small children, desperate for a bit of quiet adult time and seeing the flicker of light at the end of the tunnel approaching… only to have it stamped out by a child who refuses to go to sleep. It is understandable that in those moments calm and collected parenting gets stamped out right alongside. We need them to go to sleep. We need that time to ourselves to feel sane. We need a break. We need them to bloody well do as they’re told! And in that little word “need” lies the entire problem. The minute we need our children to behave in a certain way for our own wellbeing we are handing over control. Not control over them, but control over our own internal state. The truth is, nobody can make you feel anything (not even your own sometimes impossible child) without your permission. And once we need something from our kids, we’re handing over that permission slip. Our children are not out to get us, not out to disturb our peace, not planning to mess with our schedule. They just are. They’re being kids, being true to their own sense of how tired they are (or not) and what they feel like in the moment. It is us, as the adults, who are trying to impose an agenda on the moment – trying to make it bend to our will. And life always has other plans! We also teach our children in those moments to veer away from trusting their own bodies and listening to their own internal state so that they can learn to self-regulate instead of always needing us to lay down rules and guidelines. This is similar to getting them to finish their dinner when they’re not really hungry. We tell them to override their very nature. So how do we meet our own needs (because let’s be clear, we really do have a need for some quiet adult time and a break from constantly attending to little people) AND meet our children’s need to listen to their bodies and figure out their own schedules? The trick is to have freedom within boundaries. You can, for example, allow the kids to stay up doing something quietly in their room until they feel tired, provided they do not interrupt the adults. The French have been doing this for centuries. They simply state that from 8pm it is adult time and children need to occupy themselves. Most parents I know panic about this idea as they’re worried the kids will then be too tired for school the next day. Will they? Yes, there probably will be a day here and there where they overdo it and don’t get enough sleep. This is called experiencing the consequences of your actions. And it is exactly how children learn to self-regulate. You will also find that when you remove your need and desperation for them to sleep that that anxious energy is no longer a factor at bedtime and everyone is feeling more relaxed and peaceful, and this naturally sets the stage for a trip into slumberland! In short, stay calm, make sure you are meeting your own needs (and not relying on your kids to meet them for you) and let your children naturally fall asleep when their bodies are ready.

March 22, 2017

A Pragmatic Response to Bullying

No parent wants to see their child suffer at the hands of a bully. As much as we would like to shield them from horrible people, as parents, we have to be realistic. Our job is to prepare our kids for life in the real world and that means helping them learn how to cope with mean people. The problem is that most parents don’t know how to actually help their kids aside from general platitudes like – stand up for yourself or ignore them. The question is, how does a modern educated parent approach the subject of bullying? We want more than theories and platitudes. We want a pragmatic approach that will actually work for our children. It turns out that there is a very pragmatic approach that really does work. It is a compassionate approach based on the science of behavioral management. I studied cognitive psychology in college and spent time in a dolphin cognition research lab. While there I learned about operant and classical conditioning. The way you extinguish a behavior in an animal using operant conditioning is the same way you get a bully to stop. Not by punishing bad behavior, but by not rewarding it. It turns out that animals and bullies treat negative reinforcement as reinforcement. In order to get bullying to stop, you need to not reinforce the bully at all. This is hard to do because, bullies are really good at getting you to respond, that’s why they do what they do. What we need to teach our children is practical things they can do and say that will help them respond without rewarding the bully. It isn’t enough to say – stand up for yourself or ignore them. Kids need to be told specifically, here is what you need to say, and here is how you say it, now let’s practice it so you can say it under the pressure of active bullying. Most kids can pick up these skills pretty quickly when presented in such a pragmatic way. The key to this approach is to help your child develop a neutral emotional response to the actions of a bully. The best way to do that is to practice and cultivate compassion. It’s hard to do because we are often so involved in our own hurt that we don’t want to let go enough to think compassionately about others. But it is precisely when we let go of our hurt that we are able to respond in a more neutral way because, we are no longer thinking about our pain, we are now thinking about the pain of another. Compassion really is a powerful emotion. Finally, what we know from behavior research is that it isn’t enough to not reward a bully; you have to actually be prepared for what is known as an extinction burst or a blowout. Basically, when you take away an animal’s reward, they don’t give it up without a fight. They work harder and become more aggressive to get their reward. In other words, when you stop reinforcing a bully, they get more aggressive for a period of time before they give up their bad behavior. This well-known extinction dynamic is the main reason why most kids give up trying to get bullying to stop. They make a good faith effort to do what the adults counsel them to do, it makes their problem worse, not better, so they give up. However, when a child is told to expect this escalation as natural part of the process of eliminating the behavior, they are better equipped to handle the escalation and ride it out until it goes away. Again, they key to doing this successfully is having the right frame of mind and that requires compassion.

March 20, 2017

Why Playgrounds are so Important

Slip, slide, bump, bash, climb, wibble and wobble! Who knew so much fun could be so valuable?! Having access to a safe, clean and developmentally appropriate playground can have far reaching benefits for the leaders of tomorrow! In an age where there is a tendency for little ones to be involved in more sedentary play, it is becoming increasingly important for caregivers to make opportunities available for climbing, swinging, sliding and balancing. This kind of invaluable play can help to strengthen your child’s core muscles needed for sitting endurance and task completion. Our children are becoming accustomed to getting what they want easily and quickly, and thus “practice makes perfect” is not always inherently part of growing up. In the past, when children spent many hours entertaining themselves, often outdoors, skills such as endurance, frustration tolerance, creative problem solving, perseverance and the ability to apply initiative were part of growing up. While our faster-paced world has provided amazing new opportunities to connect our children and expand their life space globally, technology has led to more time spent indoors, often sitting or lying down in front of a screen! Playgrounds provide opportunities to move in many different planes and ways. Our movement sense sends information to our brain which provides our muscles with the information needed to stretch and contract appropriately in order to negotiate obstacles and balance on unstable surfaces. The way in which this movement is completed (successfully or unsuccessfully), in turn, feeds back into our brain to help plan and refine our next set of movements. The brain tells the muscles what to do, but the senses enable the brain to do the telling. The ability to come up with an idea for movement, plan and then execute that movement smoothly and efficiently is called motor planning. Motor planning is essential for a child to learn any new tasks. It affects how efficiently a child tackles this new task, and thus will impact how quickly he can master and complete it. A child who struggles with motor planning may often stand on the side lines and watch other children play before feeling confident enough to join in. He may also be hesitant to try new movements and prefer to stick to what he knows. This is why it is important for children to have the opportunity to play at different play grounds, or be encouraged to use one piece of playground equipment in different ways. Climbing, pulling, pushing, and carrying weight over, under and through obstacles all provide the body with vital feedback about its position in space and how it is moving. This feeds into the child’s internal map of what his body looks and feels like. Your child needs a good body map when learning about depth perception and spatial concepts. Without this foundational skill, he may struggle later on to position his letters on a line, size his letters in relation to one another and grasp mathematical concepts. When a child is offered the opportunity to challenge his body and test the limits of what he can and cannot do, he will develop the ability to use the two sides of his body in a smooth and coordinated way. Many everyday tasks rely heavily on the ability to use both sides of our brain to effectively complete complex movements, from brushing our hair, buttering our bread and tying our shoelaces to cutting, ruling a line with a ruler and riding a bicycle. Clambering over carefully thought-out playground equipment can challenge and develop these skills. Initially children may find playgrounds daunting and need some help to explore the adventures that lie inherently therein. Do not be too tempted to pick your child up and simply place him where he wants to be! Try offering him a foothold, and simply give him some verbal cues or allow him some time to watch you or other children climb and play. There is so much learning potential in moving from one spot on a playground to another, e.g. getting from the ground up the ladder to the fireman’s pole! Often in our bid to help our children, we sometimes rob them of that opportunity to figure it out for themselves. Rather help him just as much as he needs and remember to praise his effort and not simply his success! Often younger children will need a few trips to the same playground before they are confident to attempt some of the climbing by themselves. Sometimes just having you close by is enough motivation. If he is hesitant about a particular part of the playground, check that it is not too hot, rough or unstable for him! Some newer playgrounds offer interesting and varied textures and surfaces for little hands and feet! Where possible, encourage him to take his shoes and socks off to allow for easier climbing and a fuller sensory experience.

February 23, 2017

Introducing BabyLine

Parenting is a joy but it can also be overwhelming and just a little daunting. There is no degree or diploma, you are simply launched into it and there’s a steep learning curve. You instantly have a new life depending on you and, combined with sleep deprivation, the challenges of adjusting to being a parent and wanting to do the best for your child, you need all the help you can get. Bonitas Medical Fund is doing just that with the launch of the first dedicated toddler’s health advice line, called Babyline, to its members. Here help is at hand, from professionals, as you take the necessary baby steps along the path of looking after the health of your toddler, up to the age of three. Essentially Babyline is a 24-hour children’s health advice line manned by paediatric trained registered nurses. They are on the other side of the phone to assist with any parental concerns, or health related issues, 24/7, 365 days of the year. ‘Parents are often confronted with a host of children’s health issues, particularly in the first three years. In an effort to help educate and support Bonitas moms and dads and to ensure their medical aid benefits last longer, we have partnered with Paed IQ’s babyline service,’ explains Bonitas Medical Fund. ‘The service was developed in conjunction with the Department of Paediatrics at the University of Pretoria and is based on a concept used by the top providers of child health advice in the USA.’ ‘The system of telephone advice, guarantees members instant and real time access to pre-eminent, professional advice and standardised paediatric protocols,’ explains Dr Iqbal Karbanee of Babyline. ‘Our aim is to give parents the best possible resources to help them maintain and improve the health of their child. It’s about giving anxious parents peace of mind when it comes to an urgent health concern and, hopefully, will also alleviate unnecessary trips to doctors or hospitals.’ How does it work? Bonitas parents, or their caregivers, simply call the Babyline number on 0860 999 121 to reach a paediatric trained nurse. Through a series of questions asked regarding the health issue, parents will be provided with professional advice on what to do next. Depending on the symptoms, the advice might be to head straight to the ER or to see a doctor or specialist. The nurse will advise which healthcare provider is the most appropriate, given the health issue. The services offered by the Babyline include: Home care advice Clinic/primary care/GP referral for the same day Clinic/primary care/GP referral for the following day After-hours care within the next six hours Immediate referral to the ER The Babyline service is available to members across all the Bonitas plans, for children under 3 years. ‘We do have to stress that although the Babyline is designed to assist parents with health concerns, nurses do not provide diagnosis or prescriptions. They are on call to offer advice on how best to deal with the current health problem or refer you to the nearest healthcare facility,’ concluded Bonitas Medical Fund.

February 15, 2017

Infant Food Fallacies – “Rice cereal is the best first food for baby.”

This is an excerpt from the “Unlearn” chapter in my book Mila’s Meals: The Beginning & The Basics. Disclaimer: As with everything concerning food there are two sides to any debate raging around every one of the topics in this chapter – both sides will be defended with scientific proof, and ‘absolute’ recommendations. I am merely presenting my beliefs formed by my research and first hand experience of both Mila’s, and my own digestive issues. I encourage you to do your own research should anything mentioned here not ‘sit well’ with you. I am not trying to convince you of anything – I simply hope to provide information, and at the very least prompt you to question what has previously or otherwise been presented as absolute fact and truth. “I’ve got to say I was fooled by this – by the clever marketing of the food companies and by the advice of the clinic sister. I fed her rice cereal (organic – but that really did not help the situation much). Poor thing! I stopped as quickly as I started (her tummy cramps were too awful after that first meal) and, this is why… Food has to be broken down into its nutrient components: amino acids, fatty acids, cholesterol, simple sugars, vitamins, minerals, etc. – our bodies absorb nutrients, not food. The body produces digestive enzymes that break down our food into nutrients. These nutrients are then absorbed and nourish the body. Digestive enzymes are produced in the pancreas, small intestine, saliva glands and stomach. Different digestive enzymes are needed to break down different types of food. In order to digest grains, your body uses an enzyme called amylase. Guess what? Pancreatic amylase is not produced by your little one (in sufficient quantities) until they are a year old – sometimes even later. The rule of thumb here is that it is not until your little one’s molar teeth are fully developed that they have sufficient quantities of pancreatic amylase to properly digest grains – this can be anywhere from 13 – 24 months of age. Amylase is provided in a mother’s breast milk and is produced by your little one’s saliva – but these are not sufficient to properly digest grains. Especially processed grains, or grains that have not been prepared properly. So what happens to this undigested rice cereal (or other grains)? Some undigested food (from other vegetable carbohydrate sources) benefits your little one – fermentation in the colon produces short chain fatty acids, which can improve nutrient absorption, enhance gut health, and even be used as a source of energy for both the microbes and baby. But since grains (especially) cannot be adequately digested, they start rotting. This rotting food matter feeds pathogenic bacteria and fungi (such as Candida) – and this imbalance can lead to food allergies, asthma, eczema, and other autoimmune disorders. Over time, the pathogenic bacteria and fungi (and their toxic by-products) create holes in the gut wall (known as Leaky Gut). A leaky gut allows toxins and partially digested food to spill directly into the blood creating an unpredictable mix of physical, behavioural, emotional and neurological symptoms. This is explained in great detail in Dr. Natasha Campbell-McBride’s book Gut and Psychology Syndrome. What else is wrong with commercially available rice cereal? Rice cereal is processed – meaning it is no longer a whole food. In order for the cereal to have a longer shelf life, the bran and the germ (the most nutritious parts) have been removed, simultaneously stripping the grain of its protein, fibre, nutrients and minerals. Artificial vitamins have to then be added back in – these are far less bio-available to your little one’s body and a poor replacement for nature’s version. Rice cereal is an extremely high glycaemic food – that is, it spikes the blood sugar. Rice cereal contains phytates (the salt form of phytic acid). Phytic acid is a naturally occurring chemical in grains, nuts and seeds. Phytic acid binds to essential minerals (such as calcium, copper, iron, zinc, and magnesium) in the digestive tract, making them less available to our bodies – and actually flushing them out of our bodies. While the majority of the phytic acid (or phytates) are found in the bran of the rice (which is removed during processing), there will still be some present. So, eating processed rice cereal may actually remove iron, zinc, calcium and magnesium from your little one’s body! Phytates also reduce the digestibility of starches, proteins, and fats. Please note that simply grinding grains at home and cooking them will result in an even higher amount of phytates in your little one’s food. All grains, nuts and seeds must be soaked, sprouted or fermented before cooking in order to break down the phytic acid. Please see the chapter Convenience vs. Conscience: Enzymes, Nutrients and Anti-nutrients in my book for more information on this. Commercial rice cereal fortified with iron. But surely this is a good thing? A baby is born with sufficient iron reserves to last them until they are 6 months old. While a mother’s breast milk is low in iron, the iron that is present is readily absorbed by her little one – as opposed to the artificial sources of iron found in fortified cereals and formula. While your little one may need additional sources of iron at the age of 6 months, it is far better to provide this from whole foods as opposed to supplemental drops or an additive in a nutrient deficient food. Good sources of additional iron are liver (raw), other cooked meat, blackstrap molasses, avocado and… soil! No, I am not suggesting you feed your little one soil, but the iron from soil is absorbed by the body. So a mouthful here and there while playing outside, as well as digging in the soil and walking barefoot is beneficial. Healthy soil is also a great source of probiotics! By healthy soil – I mean organic, not chemically fertilised and with

February 7, 2017

Healthy skin tips for your little one

Glossy magazines keep us well-informed on keeping adult skin moisturised, cared for and looking beautiful. When it comes to our children, especially babies, looking after their skin is just as vital, if not more important. “When our children enter this world, we are armed with equipment that took much care and consideration to select. The same care and consideration needs to be taken for your child’s skincare products,” says Su-Marie Annandale, Krayons’ brand manager. Krayons’ baby skin care products have been providing South African babies and children with the necessary products to keep their skin protected for over 20 years. “Healthy baby skin is just as important to Krayons as it is for parents,” says Annandale. When bringing your little one home from the hospital, and even as they grow, Annandale provides 5 tips on how to keep your baby’s skin healthy: Although babies love playing in the bath, and splashing about – limiting the time they spend in the bath can help keep their skin from drying out. Make every second or third day “fun” bath time, and the others can be short washes. After bath time, keep your little one moisturised. Using Krayons’ Aqueous Cream after every wash accompanied by a soft and gentle baby massage will give your little one’s skin all it needs to be kept moisturised throughout the day. It is recommended that you wash your baby’s new clothes and linen before use, but be sure to use a gentle fabric conditioner that will ensure that baby’s clothes are soft and won’t cause any skin irritations. Personal Touch boasts a Baby love variant which boasts the Krayons scent. It is soft and delicate, just like your baby’s skin. The weather outside dictates how your baby should be dressed to keep them comfortable and also to protect their skin, but no matter if it is hot or cold your baby needs to be protected from the sun. Your baby’s skin is too sensitive to be exposed to the harsh sun and needs to be kept covered. For more, like Krayons on Facebook: www.facebook.com/krayonsbabies

December 19, 2016

Ambidextrous kids – disorder or gift?

I watched a film once where the main character was completely ambidextrous – he could write a poem with one hand while drawing a picture with the other. How I would have loved to have a skill like that. So why is it that teachers push kids to choose a dominant hand? The reason teachers and OTs will encourage a child into one-handed dominance is predominantly for practical reasons in the classroom – the sooner they choose a hand, the sooner they perfect their control with that hand, and the sooner they will learn to write quickly and efficiently. I strongly disagree with this. The majority of children will naturally slip into right or left dominance at around 7 or 8 years of age and shouldn’t be forced into writing exercises before the body is naturally ready. Unfortunately this doesn’t fit in with the school curriculum, which requires kids to be practicing pre-writing skills from as early as 3 or 4. Very very few children are truly ambidextrous (and usually this only happens when one hand is injured for a period of time or some other environmental factor), but there are a fair amount who are mixed-handed (i.e. They will tend to use one hand for certain tasks and another hand for different tasks e.g. Writing with the right hand and cutting with the left hand). The schools will try to discourage this as sometimes it slows kids down as they’re still trying to decide which hand to use for what and not getting on with the task at hand. There are some things that will be helped by choosing a dominant hand – for example crossing the midline or bilateral integration, but these can easily be included in a child’s life with some simple exercises to ensure that they don’t miss out on any brain integration that may come from choosing one hand as dominant and using the other as a helper. For example, pushing a car round a track, holding the car with one hand and the track with the other; reaching over the body to grab something on the opposite side of the body; holding paper with one hand and cutting it with the other; or my personal favourite, playing “Twister”. In OT they will essentially do these kinds of exercises with a child, but it will cost you. If you hop onto Google you can find plenty of exercises like these and do them yourself. You can have a lot of fun and your child never needs to wonder about why he/she is in “therapy”. Most researchers on the subject agree that it is useful for everyone to sometimes try using their less-preferred hand for tasks normally done with the dominant hand as it improves brain function and dexterity! Being mixed-handed can also have great advantages in sports like baseball and snooker where you can switch hands to get a better shot. The only real concern with a child who isn’t naturally finding a dominant hand is a learning disorder known as dysgraphia, which involves problems with motor skills. This disorder would not only affect their ability to choose a hand to write with, but would also manifest with other noticeable problems such as struggling with the concepts of right and left, difficulty catching a ball or skipping or even basic motor movements like walking and jumping. It is unlikely that your child would have problems of this nature without you noticing them and they definitely would be picked up in an assessment with an OT if you choose to have one. The other thing to consider is that your child may be gifted. Around 48% of gifted children are ambidextrous at some stage of their development. Take a look at some of the other criteria for gifted kids and if you think your child is, then it is definitely worth getting an IQ test done as gifted children do need additional stimulation in order for them to develop optimally. · Unusual alertness, even in infancy · Excellent memory · Learn to speak early and have an unusually large vocabulary and complex sentence structure for their age · Understand word nuances, metaphors and abstract ideas · Enjoy solving problems, especially with numbers and puzzles · Often self-taught reading and writing skills as preschooler · Highly sensitive · Thinking is abstract, complex, logical, and insightful · Idealism and sense of justice at early age · Longer attention span and intense concentration if something interest them · Preoccupied with own thoughts—daydreamer · Learn basic skills quickly and with little practice (1-3 repetitions) · Asks probing questions · Wide range of interests (or extreme focus in one area) · Highly developed curiosity · Interest in experimenting and doing things differently · Puts idea or things together that are not typical · Keen and/or unusual sense of humor · Desire to organize people/things through games or complex schemas · Vivid imaginations (and imaginary playmates when in preschool) If your child is still in preschool, he/she may just not be ready to choose a dominant hand and making a child ‘wrong’ for this seems unfair and unnecessary. Ultimately you will have to make a decision based on your own child whether your child would benefit from having an assessment or if it is worth waiting to see what naturally develops. Please remember to trust yourself. You know your child better than any teacher or therapist and if you feel that their opinion is incorrect, trust that. You can always get a second opinion or even just hold off on getting an opinion at all. Whether your child’s ambidexterity is a gift or a disorder is often determined by how it is handled, and that is up to you as the parent.

December 15, 2016

Flying with kids? Remember your tablets and rooibos

As the December holidays loom, many of us are planning some well-earned family time. Reconnecting with loved ones often involves travelling by air and for those of us with kids, that prospect can fill us with dread. It needn’t be that way, says Shaun Pozyn, Head of Marketing at British Airways (operated by Comair), who offers these timely tips for managing youngsters in the air and en route to your destination. Give yourself enough time: rushing while trying to marshal kids and their kit can be harrowing and conjures images of Kevin McCallister (played by Macaulay Culkin) being left abandoned by his family in the 1990 comedy, Home Alone. One way to score yourself a little time is by using apps like ba.com to check your family in online. Know the rules: documentation requirements when flying domestically are fairly simple: you need to carry identification. But if you’re travelling internationally with children you need an unabridged copy of their birth-certificates. Get the squad to help: the cabin-crew are your allies, so don’t be afraid to ask them for assistance. You can, for example, use a push-chair to the door of the aircraft, and on international flights, infants can be accommodated in bassinettes. Take your tablets: mobile devices can largely alleviate the need for toys, and picture-editing apps like Prisma, or games like MineCraft can temporarily replace Lego, for example, which can be lost in the cabin. Just make sure your devices are charged and consider investing in a power-bank to ensure that have plenty of power. Handle the pressure: one of the major irritants for small children and infants when flying is pressurisation. This is because their ears haven’t fully developed yet, so they can’t equalise changes in air-pressure when the aircraft ascends and descends. Swallowing and chewing can help with this, so depending on the child’s age, drinking fluids or snacking on chewy foods can help. Foods with less sugar can help prevent the child from becoming too energetic: opt for biltong, fruit-rolls, nuts and fruit-juice diluted with rooibos tea rather than sweets and cool-drink. Don’t plan too much: travelling can be very exciting for kids, but too many activities in one stint can leave them tetchy and overstimulated. If a child is enjoying a particular pastime – working on a travel-log to document their journey, say – leave them to it. That can also give you, the parent, the chance for a welcomed breather. See: http://www.britishairways.com/en-gb/information/family-travel for more information.

December 14, 2016

10 Reasons to homeschool

You know someone who knows someone who teaches their children at home and you’ve read a few articles on the topic, but it’s not something you’ve seriously thought about, is it? If not, here are 10 reasons you should consider home educating your children. (Yes, it is legal and yes, you can do it!) It is centred on your child’s learning pace: Home education allows parents to meet their children’s individual learning needs. Whether you spend extra time on concepts your child finds challenging or move ahead in areas that are more quickly understood, all learning happens at your child’s pace. It promotes one-to-one interaction: Having a dedicated educator means that your child can ask questions without fear of being judged by peers, and they can receive help with difficulties as and when they arise. It offers a safe learning environment: Parents often turn to home education to avoid school bullying and violence, negative peer pressure, unwanted influences, substance abuse and other factors that impact on their child’s wellbeing and education. It offers flexibility: You don’t need to follow a specific curriculum and you don’t need to follow a typical school day – you can teach anywhere! It fits with your family’s beliefs: If your family has philosophical, ideological or religious objections to traditional schooling, home education offers the perfect alternative. It supports children with health concerns or special needs: Children who can’t attend school regularly due to illness or who are recovering from critical health events can benefit greatly from home education. The same applies to children with special learning needs, who tend to cope better in their home environment with a familiar caregiver as their educator. It builds stronger family bonds: Many families believe that home education helps foster closer family relationships and a stronger family unit while instilling core values. It encourages the development of broader social skills: While traditional schooling forces children into an artificial network of same-aged peers, home educated children mix with people of different ages, resulting in broader social skills. It increases independence: Children who are educated at home work individually, measuring themselves against their own performance and not a class average. As such, they learn to identify their own strengths and weaknesses, and to take responsibility for their performance. It solves distance and quality problems: If you live far from schools – or simply far from a good school that meets your child’s needs – home education offers the ideal alternative. By choosing to teach your children at home you are not only investing in their emotional, social, physical and intellectual development, you also get to accompany them on their journey to adulthood every step of the way. Impak is a curriculum provider for home, tutor and school education. Visit www.impak.co.za for more information

December 8, 2016

Children and Technology

By Juazel de Villiers (née Pieterse), Clinical Psychologist Technology has become integrated in our daily lives, it has grown to be our means of communication, socialising, planning and working. However, it is important not to become desensitized to the effect technology or ‘screen time’ can have on our family, and especially our children. Screen time refers to watching television, playing computer games or entertainment on a phone, tablet, etc. For many of the questions parents have around technology, the first most important factor to take into account is the family circumstances, each family is unique, and so are their needs and responses to technology. The various limits will be influenced by the personality, characteristics and needs of each child and parent. That being said, there has been a notable increase in research regarding technology and family life, which can be used to guide each family in finding the healthy balance needed. The biggest consideration in the use of technology is how much is too much. Screen time should be monitored and limited where possible. Recent research has shown that children under the age of two should preferably not have screen time of any nature. Research has further shown that educational baby programmes have not been as beneficial as previously thought, or to a degree that counteracts the negative consequences of screen time for babies and toddlers. Children between two and eight should be limited to one-hour screen time per day, and those older than eight should be limited to a maximum of two hours of screen time per day. These limits should not be viewed as the recommended amount of screen time, but rather a maximum amount of time, less than one-hour screen time is still preferable. One of the reasons why this is of such importance, is because of the lack of other stimulation that children receive if they spend too much time with technology. Enhancing childhood development has become somewhat of a catch phrase, yet the different areas of development is not always recognised. It is important for children to move, in other words be physically active; movement is not only important for physical development but also for neurological (brain) development. Children also have a need for personal family interaction, social skills development apart from technology, writing skills development without a keyboard, and so forth. Early childhood is especially important for the very young child to develop social interactions with face-to-face contact. It is also of great importance for them to have extended periods of creative play to develop language, problem solving skills and their imagination. The increased time that children spend on technology not only takes away from other skill development, but it has also been linked to an increase in a wide variety of childhood difficulties, examples include increased weight gain, occurrence of anxiety and difficulties with concentration. This is one of the difficulties or challenges that Skidz Clever Activity Boxes has attempted to address. The boxes and curriculums provide parents not only with information on development, but also with a structured programme as an alternative to screen time which encourages healthy development across a range of areas. The other important consideration that needs to be made when using technology is whether or not parents should know their children’s passwords. Parents want to be able to demonstrate their trust in their children, and as a result they are often reluctant to invade their child’s privacy by insisting on knowing their children’s passwords. However, it can be of great importance to know the password, as children and adolescents are especially vulnerable to the dangers of technology. Technology has been amazing in creating a world where we are easily connected to one another, where information is ‘at our fingertips’, but this information could easily be about your child. During the childhood and teenage years, the responsibility of the parents is to protect their children, and to teach them right and wrong. The expectation is that the child or teenager is still learning and not yet able to protect themselves from the various challenges and dangers they are exposed to. The same way you would not leave your child alone in a strange home with people you do not know, it is unsafe to leave your child ‘alone’ in the world of technology. By knowing their password, you are able to learn about what environment they are in, it allows the parent to access the information that their child is being exposed to, to know who their child is interacting with, and if their child is safe. In the same manner, it is important for parents to supervise the use of technology and what their child is accessing or watching during screen time. Parents are advised to always supervise when their children are engaged in screen time and to make us of filters and blockers. Young children often click on the ‘flashing button’ without being able to, or taking time to, read where it could take them, it is for this reason that it is very important to ensure that you as parent take time to familiarise yourself with how the filters and blockers work. Without the proper control and supervision, the benefit parents often cite of technology ‘keeping your child entertained with minimal supervision through screen time’, can also be the biggest danger of screen time. Background of Juazel de Villiers (née Pieterse), Clinical Psychologist The Psychology Practice of Juazel Pieterse was started in 2013 by Juazel, a Clinical Psychologist. At the practice we provide psychological intervention for a range of psychological difficulties, including depression, anxiety, stress, adhd, autism, family difficulties, parenting skills and support, change of life difficulties, and so forth. Our focus varies between prevention and treatment as needed. Our passion is to work with individuals, groups and the community to create awareness of psychological difficulties and well-being. References: Graber, D (2015) How much ‘Screen time’ is too much? Why that is the wrong questions. Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/diana-graber/how-much-screen-time-is-too-much-why-thats-the-wrong-question_b_7285212.html Powell, A (2015) Keeping an eye screen

November 29, 2016

Developing reading skills to help children triumph against dyslexia

There were two important educational issues in the local and international spotlight during September and October 2016: Literacy Day, observed on 8 September 2016, and Dyslexia Awareness Month, which is observed annually during October. In support of Dyslexia Awareness Month, Edublox reading, maths and learning clinic examines the surprising root cause of dyslexia and shares tips on how parents can address their child’s reading difficulties. ‘The importance of literacy to prosperity and democracy in South Africa’ was a topic discussed at a Literacy Day breakfast event and panel discussion, hosted by the educational development programme, help2read. Panellists highlighted some of the key issues and challenges faced by the South African early education sector. According to Dr Nick Taylor, former CEO and current head of Education Evaluation and Research at the Joint Education Trust, the country’s most urgent educational priority is to promote reading and schooling from an early age, as brain sensitivity for the development of children’s foundational language skills is the greatest in the first few years of life. A study by Van der Berg supports this statement in concluding that potential access to university is already largely predetermined by Grade 4*. Susan du Plessis, Director of Educational Programmes at Edublox, explains that the issues around the promotion of basic literacy skills and creating awareness around dyslexia are more intertwined than many might think. “Reading difficulties are a major culprit when children experience learning difficulties. Often, a variety of symptoms are simply grouped together, diagnosed and labelled under the umbrella term ‘dyslexia’ – a word feared and dreaded by many parents. We believe that a strong focus on the development of foundational reading skills can be the key to unlocking learning potential in all children – including those diagnosed with the problem,” she adds. “An understanding of the causes of dyslexia can help parents support their children in overcoming it,” says Du Plessis. “Two important facts are especially relevant: firstly, that reading is not a natural or instinctive process, but an acquired skill that must be taught. Secondly, parents must remember that learning is a stratified process, during which one skill has to be acquired first, before it becomes possible to acquire subsequent skills. At the heart of this process and as the bottom rung of the ‘reading ladder’, is language. Skills, like visual processing, auditory processing and auditory memory form the second rung of this ladder, and must be taught first,” she explains. Du Plessis shares some tips on how parents can help children prevent and overcome reading difficulties: Since language plays a vital role in reading, it is important to provide children with enough opportunities to hear language from infancy. If your child is experiencing problems like letter reversals, difficulties with letter order, poor comprehension, mispronunciations and poor recall, the best approach is to take immediate action. Approach a professional reading clinic specialising in cognitive development that focuses on aspects like concentration, perceptual skills, memory, and logical thinking. Before setting up a meeting with an educational practitioner, it often helps to list your observations and your concerns. Be sensitive toward a dyslexic child or a slow reader’s feelings. Most children look forward to learning to read and do so relatively quickly. For these children, however, the experience is very different. For them, reading, which seems to come effortlessly for everyone else, appears to be beyond their grasp. Parents can breathe a sigh of relief as children’s academic performance can improve despite dyslexia. Abigail de Robillard, a mom from Durban, enrolled her dyslexic son at a reputable reading clinic and noted a change. De Robillard highlighted improvements in his overall self-confidence, his ability to manage schoolwork on his own, and his overall reading and concentration after just one term. “Dyslexia is a learning barrier – and I now truly believe that through hard work, the clinic will break these barriers and allow my son to harness all his real gifts, talents and abilities to be all that he can be, and above all, happy,” she says. Edublox is a leading specialist in cognitive development with 26 reading and learning clinics across Southern Africa. Edublox offers multisensory cognitive training, aimed at developing and automatising the foundational skills of reading, spelling and Mathematics. For more information about Edublox, visit www.edublox.co.za or contact 0861-EDUBLOX / 0861 338 256.

November 24, 2016

Choosing a Preschool

As a first time mom, finding and choosing a school for my daughter was one of the most daunting things I had to do. I had no idea what to look for, how to screen for potential problems, or even what the law was regarding the qualifications of teachers and preschool owners. And so my poor child, and then the next child too, got moved from school to school almost yearly before I decided to homeschool. So let me just say, from the outset, that every school will have its problems. There is no such thing as a perfect school, but there may just be a perfect school for you and your child – one where they don’t bother about things that are not on your priority list and do care about the same things as you. If I were to do it all again, I would do the following: I would make a list of what was important to ME in terms of childcare. For example, it is important to me that my kids eat nutritious food and not junk, that their caregivers are caring and not overly disciplinarian, that there is no shaming or naughty corners or physical punishment, and that kids are allowed to be kids and have lots of free play. I would absolutely INSIST on spending a week at the preschool with my child. Most schools discourage this as they say the kids settle quicker if the parents are not around, but a small child cannot articulate problems to you when they arise. I would like to see for myself how certain issues are handled. For example, at one school my kids were at I found out years later that if they cried they were shamed by being put into nappies. I knew my daughter was unhappy at the school (the school kept telling me she was very happy there) but she was only 4 and couldn’t express what it was that was bothering her. I would hang around at the end of the day and chat to parents of kids who are already in the school. Of course the school will tell you they are marvelous, but you may get a different picture from the parents. I would have a list of questions for them such as what they like most and least about the school, if they’ve ever had an issue with a teacher and how the management handled it, etc. Get a broad overview from a number of people. I would find out what qualifications each of the teachers has and what additional training they are exposed to on a regular basis. We had one teacher who had never even heard of a sensory integration disorder and so was shaming my child for coming to preschool in her pyjamas when she was tactile defensive and literally couldn’t handle wearing much else. The same teacher used sarcasm with her class (telling them she would cut their tongues out if they spoke in class), something that children can only cognitively start to comprehend at around age 8. Teachers need to be up to date on current research, childcare philosophies, and childhood growth and development. Other questions I would ask the management would be around the size of the class, the teacher to child ratio, the teachers’ working hours, and even their salary if they will disclose that. I would want to know that the teachers are not overworked and underpaid and unhappy. And lastly, I would trust my instincts. This was a tough lesson that I learned through all of this – where I had a feeling that things were not ok and yet when I asked I was told that my children were happy and playing and everything was fine. You know your child. Trust that. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. And do not be afraid to change schools if you need to. Of course the ideal is to get your child into one school where they are happy and make friends and are settled, but kids can and do adapt to change. Rather keep looking until you are completely satisfied than settle for something less than ideal because you are afraid of making the change. For us, in the end, homeschooling was what best suited all of our needs, but that is also not for everyone. There are pros and cons to both and you need to look at your unique family, your own values and needs and then find the best solution for you. Good luck!

November 17, 2016

An open letter to divorcing parents

Dear Parents, Divorce/separation sucks for the simple reason that when two people get together and have children, they make plans to build a future together. They do not plan for an eventual separation. So when it eventually happens, everything as they know it, crumbles. Everything will be different, and that is scary as hell. Today, thanks to extensive resources available, providing a wealth of information on all aspects of separation and referencing many people having gone through a separation before, separating parents are being presented with more options to separate with less trauma, and receive more knowledge on how to face and proceed mindfully with this life changing event. It gifts them a head start to engage on this journey in a manner that will not only allow them to move forward with less anger and bitterness, but mostly in sparing their children from broken childhood memories. Yet, there is increasing evidence of a rise in parental conflicts, court battles, evasion of parental roles and responsibilities, and using the children to control certain outcomes of their agreements not being met. Life is a never ending learning process. To discard available information and valuable support, is choosing to be a victim of your circumstances. Yes, a separation is distressing and hard on a person. It can make you feel like there is little justice and that life isn’t fair, but it should not become an excuse to waste your life focusing on a dream that did not materialise. Instead, evaluate if your conflicts are about hurting your ex or rather hurting your sons and daughters, because your conflicts are wounding your children in ways they cannot control. Recognise that there is in fact no problem. What you see as a problem is actually a change of direction. It’s not the end, it’s not a beginning. It’s a transition that allows you to plan for some different and new life choices. The time has come for separating and separated parents to address the crisis their families are in when going through a divorce/separation. Parents who are hostage to an acrimonious battle over custody and/or maintenance are not fighting for what is in the best interest of their children, they are out to hurt and destroy each other, no matter who stands in the cross fire. It is time to raise awareness that being in control of your emotions is the solution to forgiveness and healing, so that you can mend, and not destroy, your children’s families. The time is now to change the way you, parents, separate, so that you can give your sons and daughters a life which feels normal being happy and not which feels normal being broken. The Law doesn’t raise children, parents do! Nadia Thonnard

November 16, 2016

8 Kid-Friendly Yoga Poses for Peaceful Mornings

As parents, getting our sons and daughters out the door every morning can be a monumental task. Whether it is getting them to eat their breakfast, tie their shoes, find their homework, or brush their teeth, something inevitably goes wrong. However, by taking a few minutes everyday to teach our kids yoga, we can help our kids stretch, strengthen their cores, and naturally clear their minds. This can make a big difference in how our children’s and even our own day unfolds. Why Yoga For A Peaceful Morning? Each morning is a new day offering us the possibility to teach our kids confidence, relaxation techniques, and help them be a little more grounded as they start the day. Yoga offers to help our kids release pent up tension and emotions, while helping them physically. In addition, yoga can be done with the whole family, within a matter of minutes, without requiring a gym or host of athletic equipment. Adding yoga to our routines can help us all be more mindful throughout the day.. Yoga teaches our children to breathe, re-center, and notice their emotions, which is a life skill that they can carry with them into adulthood. Not only is yoga good for the soul, but research has repeatedly proven exercise helps kids perform in the classroom. Oh, and did we mention that it’s fun! 8 Kid-Friendly Yoga Poses for Peaceful Mornings Introducing our boys and girls to yoga while they are young is beneficial and helps them develop lifelong healthy habits. Whether you watch a child centered yoga class online or create your own workout, remember to have children breathe as they move. For example, stretch on inhale and release their muscles while breathing out. Listed below are poses to get the entire family started: The Sunrise and Sunset Pose. Stand tall and take 3 to 5 deep breaths. On the last inhale, raise your arms above your head and press your legs into the ground. Stretch your spine up, toward the sky. On exhale, bend at your waist and bring your upper body toward your feet, similar to diving in a swimming pool. Reach down as far as you comfortably can go and inhale again, slowly opening your arms as you stand, reaching for the clouds. Repeat 6 to 10 times. Help children see the resemblance to the rising and setting sun. The Mountain Pose. Once again, standing tall, press your feet down and straighten your spine. Slowly roll back your shoulders, bringing your palms together in front of your chest. Take several deep breaths. The Cat/Cow Pose. Get down on all fours, resembling a cat and cow. For the cat position, exhale and gently arch up your back with your head looking at your belly button. As you inhale, gently reverse your back and push your stomach to the ground for the cow. Exhale, and return to the cat pose. Repeat three or four more times. The Cobra Pose. Lay down on your stomach, stretching your legs back with the tops of your feet pressed on the floor so you resemble a snake. Spread your hands out and place them under your shoulders so you can raise your torso up. Stretch your head back to open the chest. Hold for 5 deep breathes. The Downward Facing Dog. You want to create a V shape by putting the palms of your hands on the ground and lifting your hips up toward the ceiling. As children get better at this, encourage them to straighten their legs or stand flat footed. The Fish. This pose resembles a fish jumping out of a river. Lay down onto your back and use your elbows to prop up your body, arching your chest up so your head rests on the floor. Hold for 3 to 4 breaths, coming down as you exhale. The Bridge Pose. While you are on your back, press your feet down into the earth and thrust your hips into the air. Hold for 3 to 4 breaths and come down slowly on an exhale. The Resting Pose. Lie down on your back and take in a deep breath. Exhale. Now, wiggle your body and then rest. As you breathe, imagine that you are filling up with a warm light that starts at your feet and spreads up your body slowly. When you are ready, sit up slowly. What yoga poses do you use with your children?

November 9, 2016

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