Advice from the experts
Heather Hansen

Does Your Daughter’s Social Media Profile Reflect Who She Really Is?

The other day I read an excellent blog written by a mother of boys addressed to all the young teenage girls out there. In it, she says: “I know your family would not be thrilled at the thought of my teenage boys seeing you only in your towel. Did you know that once a male sees you in a state of undress, he can’t quickly un-see it?  You don’t want our boys to only think of you in this sexual way, do you? And so, in our house, there are no second chances with pics like that, ladies. We have a zero tolerance policy.  I know, so lame. But, if you want to stay friendly with our sons online, you’ll have to keep your clothes on, and your posts decent.  If you post a sexy selfie (we all know the kind), or an inappropriate YouTube video – even once – it’s curtains. I know that sounds so old-school, but we are hoping to raise men with a strong moral compass, and men of integrity don’t linger over pictures of scantily clad high-school girls.” It got me thinking because I have two sons – one soon to be 15 and the other turning 12. I too hope to raise boys with a strong moral compass. I too question some of the photos posted by young girls on SnapChat, Instagram, FaceBook, Twitter and other social media platforms. I don’t think these girls take the time to think about the fact that by posting scantily clad or pouting, provocative poses, they are giving our boys a message. They are doing themselves and other girls a disservice by encouraging male sexual objectification. Sexual objectification occurs “when a girl or woman’s body or body parts are singled out and separated from her as a person and she is viewed primarily as a physical object of male sexual desire” (Bartky, 1990). Not only this, but Fredrickson and Roberts (1997) asserted that women to varying degrees internalise this outsider view and begin to self-objectify by treating themselves as an object to be looked at and evaluated on the basis of appearance. This can lead to various issues like eating disorders, depression and sexual dysfunction. We need to keep reiterating the message to our kids that there’s a lot more to girls than just how they look. How they act is so much more important! Having said that, girls need to think carefully about the message they’re putting across when they go out wearing tight little shorts or tiny minis and skimpy tops showing lots of cleavage. Just because celebrities do it doesn’t mean it’s okay at their age. One of the questions I ask in an exercise I do with boys is: “Do you think girls are asking for trouble if they wear revealing clothing?” The vast majority say YES. There’s a fine line between trendy and sluttish. Interestingly, many of the boys I’ve talked to said that although they’re happy to look at (and perve over) “hot girls”, they’re far more likely to have a longer-term relationship with girls who are comfortable enough to be “one of the guys”, confident and comfortable with themselves, funny, honest, loyal and intelligent. Girls have so much power – they don’t need to be sexually provocative to attract boys – at least not the right kind of boys – the ones who’ll stick with you through thick and thin! So here’s the thing. You may get the attention you crave if you portray yourself as a sexual siren, but will it be from the sort of boys you want – boys with integrity, who really care about you as a person – not just you as a sexual object to be used and then discarded for someone else? Bottom line is girls, if you want to be taken seriously, don’t sell yourself short. If you want to be respected, treat yourself with respect. Think before you post.

August 7, 2014
The South African Depression and Anxiety Group

Bullying and Teen Suicide

by Stephanie Harel “For 2 years, Johnny, a quiet 13-year-old boy was a human play-thing for some of his classmates. The teenagers badgered Johnny for money, forced him to swallow weeds and drink milk mixed with detergent, beat him up in the restroom and tied a string around his neck, leading him around as a pet”. (Olweus, 1995 – as cited in Marsh & Wolfe, Abnormal Child Psychology, 4th edition, 2010, p. 164). Someone once said that suicide happens when the fear of life exceeds the fear of death… A most chilling definition of what it means to take one’s life. The literature on teen bullying is voluminous and yet, it is a social ill that remains largely ignored. Bullying is an old concept that we are all familiar with. However, bullying in schools today continues to be rife, and South African schools are not exempt from it. This hostile form of antisocial behaviour has almost gained the status of social pandemic. It is a phenomenon that often has tragic consequences, as is apparent in websites entitled ‘bullying stats’. Nowadays teen suicides by victims of bullies are more frequently reported. Bullying happens when one or more people expose another to unpleasant actions that take the form of physical offense, verbal insults and deliberate alienation from a group. Irrespective of the angle that bullying takes, its overriding intention remains the same throughout the world: it presents itself as coward disguised as macho, it creates an imbalanced power relationship where the victim is incapable of defence. Although it is important to note that girls differ from boys in the ways they bully others, whereby girls use more indirect forms of social aggression such as gossiping and spreading rumours whilst boys are more directly threatening, it is just as important to bear in mind that whatever form it takes, bullying is universally offensive and can cause death. Understanding the profile of a bully may help to create awareness and may increase the knowledge of those who are empowered to make a difference in schools. Typical bullies are usually aggressive towards both peers and adults. They are often impulsive, have a need to dominate others, are physically stronger than their peers, have little empathy and derive satisfaction from inflicting pain on their victims. More recently, bullying has adopted technology as an additional means of inflicting harm on its victims. The widespread access to the Internet and cell phones has led to new forms of bullying. Threats, insults, harassment and intimidation now reach victims by emails, text messaging and defamatory websites. This new channel of violence has taken on unprecedented momentum – Internet bullying in the USA is believed to be even more common than face-to-face bullying. “Technology has wider implications. Because social media never sleeps, bullying today has no boundaries. Previously home provided some reprieve from bullying at school; today a victim has no place to hide. The onslaught continues 24/7, beyond the classroom and the playground, via cyberspace. Technology has stretched the limits of bullying by adding a timeless psychological element to it that could intensify its impact.” Without major school interventions and policies, the prevalence of bullying will remain high. Besides suicide and other tragic consequences that this social menace brings, bullying has further implications. In the USA research has shown that nearly 40% of boys who were bullies in school were convicted of repeated criminal offenses by the time they were 24 years old. So bullying has a long lifespan. Furthermore, in discussions on bullying, the spotlight is often on the bully; to date, not much consideration has been given to reactions of the victim that survives. Victims might be stereotypically thought of as anxious, submissive and physically weak, but resentment is most definitely a trait that they could possess, a dormant trait that is nonetheless present. Once resentment awakens, it could be fuelled by the incessant pattern of bullying, it could spiral out of control. Resentment leads to anger and from there on to full blown retaliation that may know no boundaries. When a ‘victim turns perpetrator’ the number of casualties could be fatal. Albeit reluctantly, we are reminded of the school shootings in the USA – could those terrifying acts have perhaps been products of a long history of bully victims?

July 25, 2014
Parenting Hub

Cutting in Adolescence

The following is not meant to invoke fear, though it may, but rather, inform you as to a trend starting in early adolescence that has existed for decades in the dark. There is a plethora of means to self-harm, such as anorexia, or starving / restricting food intake; bulimia, or purging / vomiting up food soon after consumption; and so on. However, the form of self-harm briefly discussed here falls within the realm of self-mutilation, known as cutting. Burning oneself is also included as another form of self-mutilation. The information to follow may be difficult to read, though awareness is necessary. Take breaks in reading this article if need be and do not continue reading until you feel more settled. Emerging adolescence is an extremely challenging time developmentally, emotionally, psychologically, culturally, and socially. As such it is not uncommon for adolescents to experiment with various means, such as sex, drugs, and alcohol, as well as exercise, and academia, to sooth their plight. Another means is cutting. Often cutting involves the straight, parallel, mild to severe, incisions to the skin. In addition, words, patterns, and symbols may present. These injuries are commonly located on the outer and inner forearms, biceps, shoulders, and the outer and inner thighs. Cutting has been also known to occur, in even more severe instances, on the hips, in the nooks and crannies of the palms, under the feet, between the fingers and toes, on the breasts, as well as on other genitals for females, and for males. Though cutting is significantly more common in young girls and older women, cutting definitely occurs among clusters of young boys and older men as well. In fact, cutting has become increasingly popular among male youths. Commonly, cutting is an isolative and secretive experience in terms of the action itself, and in concealing the outcome. In general, adolescents hide their more risky behaviours, and, in general, we adults tend not to see the extent of those behaviours. Thus cutting may occur for many months, or years, or may never be discovered. Though few who cut wear their injuries like a badge, most hide their wounds with thin, long-sleeve tops and jeans, even in extreme heat, and insistently avoid shorts, dresses, short-sleeve tops, and the like. More seasoned self-mutilators will knowingly wear shortened clothing to avoid suspicion, and cut on the fewer hidden areas. The point here is to be aware of unusual behaviour and potential warning signs, and not to assume self-mutilation when faced with fashion choices we simply do not understand or we outright dislike. Self-mutilation or cutting may occur with almost any implement, for example, kitchen knives, forks, pocket knives, scissors, razor blades, glass, paperclips, paperclip removers, nails, keys, box cutters, bottle openers, barbwire fencing, thorny bushes, open canned-food lids, nail clippers, paint peelers, and the like. The list is essentially endless. It is impossible to eliminate all items that may be used for cutting; however, one may take note of implements that are oddly located, stained with dried blood, missing, and so on. In addition, note whether plasters, tape, bandages, cloths, gauze, and/or disinfectants, are empty frequently, or inexplicably. Furthermore, note whether blood-stained clothing is placed in the wash, even within, or under other clothes; and/or whether clothes have ‘disappeared’ at a highly unorthodox pace. Those clothes may have had dried blood on them, and so, discarded. The reasons behind cutting as a means of coping or self-soothing are far too vast to explore in-depth here, however, briefly, most cutters tend to self-harm to anesthetise, ‘zone-out’, distract from, or numb feelings, such as despair, helplessness, self-hatred, emptiness, frustration, rage, hopelessness, regret, guilt, shame, and so on. In contrast, cutting also may be used in order to shift from a state of numbness to a place of feeling, such as feeling in control, free, special, accepted, joyous (usually from an endorphin or adrenalin rush), powerful, focused, calm, relieved, and so on. Though this is a general description in understanding self-mutilation, it is important that the individual cutter become aware of their idiosyncratic reasons for doing what they do. Despite the myth, once an adolescent has found cutting as a means of coping or self-soothing, it is generally quite difficult to just simply stop the behaviour, and relapses or re-occurrences are expected, even in treatment. The hope is to reduce the frequency and severity of the cutting over time until it becomes needless and purposeless. Use the analogy of an alcoholic and his or her alcohol to grasp the difficulty involved. In that, it is always important to keep a complete and unexpired first aid kit regardless of whether cutting occurs or not. It is important that adolescents are approached calmly and gently when engaged by his or her worried, panicked, frustrated, confused, angry, and/or saddened parent or caregiver, upon questioning, or discovery, of any cutting or self-mutilating behaviours. As stated earlier, adolescents tend to not fully disclose their thoughts, feelings, and behaviours to their caregivers. As such, adolescents who are unable to talk about, or even articulate, their cutting to their parents or caregivers, should be referred to their nearest or most trusted healthcare professional, such as a psychiatrist and/or psychologist. In more severe instances, visits and/or admission to the nearest medical or psychiatric hospital or treatment facility may be most opportune. In that, though cutting itself differs from an actual suicide attempt, accidental death may occur in certain circumstances, and in a few severe instances, suicide attempts may co-occur. It is then better to err on the side of caution, than avoid, dismiss, or ignore. In terms of understanding cutting better, two excellent books to read are Marliee Strong’s (1998) A Bright Red Scream: Self-Mutilation and the Language of Pain; and Steven Levenkron’s (1998) Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation.

July 22, 2014
Parenting Hub

ADHD?

“There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good she was very, very good, And when she was bad She was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.” This is quote from the British Satirical Magazine, Private Eye. Amusing maybe but also very sad, and makes me wonder how often a perfectly normal child is diagnosed with ADHD. Ritalin Deficiency? ADHD is characterized by impulsive behavior, inability to concentrate, short attention span, ease of distraction, and hyperactivity. The number-one drug used to treat ADHD is Ritalin, a central nervous system stimulant. Is it possible we are breeding a new generation of children who are Ritalin deficient? Highly unlikely. Try this theory rather: ADHD is caused by the food that children of this generation are putting into their mouths. How do we expect a child to have normal behaviour if he is fed refined grains, sugars, processed foods loaded with chemicals, juices and fizzy drinks? Then add to that 90 percent fewer vegetables than required along with an overabundance of omega-6 fats and a virtual lack of omega-3 fats. Fish oil does it again A study by the University of Adelaide in Australia found that fish oil improves the symptoms of ADHD more effectively than drugs like Ritalin and Concerta and without any of the side effects. When 130 children between the ages of 7 and 12 with ADHD were given fish oil capsules daily, behaviour dramatically improved within three months. Furthermore, after seven months, the children were not as restless and showed improvements at school in concentration and attention, reading abilities and vocabulary. When the researchers compared their results to studies of Ritalin and Concerta for ADHD, they found that fish oils were more effective. This poses the question: “Why treat millions of ADHD kids with drugs more powerful than cocaine when a simple food change is far more effective?” – I leave that one for you to think about. The Cleverness Capsule The Daily Mail reported the following on 10 May 2005: “Jamie Oliver may be responsible for revolutionising school dinners, but now it seems one simple change to children’s diet could not only boost their brain power but also make them better behaved.  A major new study found that adaily dose of fish oil supplements had a dramatic effect on the abilities of underachieving children in Durham.” Apart from the fact that parents reported a significant improvement in their behaviour, after just three months on the fish oils, they were reading at18 monthsabove their age.In addition, most of the pupils showed a 10 – 20% improvement in memory. The supplement was also given to children without behavioural or learning difficulties and in some of these cases a dramatic and even immediate effect was reported. Numerous studies Numerous studies conducted in all parts of the world on the effect of supplementing with Omega-3 from fish oils have shown similar results leaving a strong suggestion that some children with developmental problems, including ADHD and dyslexia, can benefit from taking omega-3 supplements. And no adverse effects have been reported to date. Researchers believe that fish oil works via effects on brain function. You simply cannot have a healthy functioning brain in a child that is not given the proper ingredients to develop optimal brain function. What else is needed? If you have a child with learning or behavioural difficulties, before you allow him or her to be labeled ADHD and placed on Ritalin, it may be worth giving fish oil a chance. However this will need to go hand-in–hand with a healthy diet and a good multivitamin and mineral supplement. All the fish oil in the world is not going to help a child who is still being fed junk food.

July 14, 2014
Parenting Hub

The Slippery Slope of Girls’ Friendships

Years ago, after I’d had my second son, I remember a friend (who had girls) saying to me that I was lucky to have boys, as when they’re teenagers, they’re a lot easier to handle than girls! Now that my boys are in their adolescent years (well, one is almost there) I realise there is some truth to that statement. Why, you may ask? Well, because of girls’ friendships. I have a niece who went through absolute hell for two years – she confessed to me years later that she actually contemplated suicide – and another who is going through a really difficult time right now. Why are girls’ friendships such a minefield? Girls appear to have a strict social hierarchy based on what society tells us is “ideal femininity”. Girls police each other on who is breaking the laws of appearance, clothing, interest in boys and personality. Up to about the age of ten (although it’s getting younger and younger), this isn’t a big issue, but when puberty begins to bud, it becomes more and more important to conform to these ideals. In a rather interesting theory by two professors of zoology at the University of Cambridge, it is suggested that females of a variety of species use passive aggressive or indirect tactics to thin out sexual competition. In their article published in the Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B, they postulate that females evolved to use a lower risk form of breeding aggression by forming exclusionary social groups or “cliques” and generally being mean to females they see as a sexual threat. Sound familiar? How does this affect girls’ behaviour? Girls are really hard on themselves and on each other. They constantly compare themselves to each other and to the totally unrealistic female ideals they see portrayed in the media. If they don’t match up (which is unlikely), they may feel down about themselves. During adolescence the need for acceptance and approval by peers is paramount. If they are socially rejected, it may lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms like eating disorders, cutting, drug/alcohol abuse or risky sexual behaviour. Girls should know what defines a healthy friendship and when to get out of a toxic friendship. Healthy friendships include qualities like mutual respect, trust, honesty, support, fairness/equality, separate identities and good communication. In unhealthy friendships, girls may be controlled, criticised and coerced into conforming to group standards they may not necessarily agree with. They should be able to differentiate between popular girls who are liked because they’re nice people, powerful girls who may be “popular” because they’re intimidating rather than likeable, and good leaders – who are able to recognise the value of individual girls who work as a team and are respectful and supportive of each other. Envy and jealousy are rampant diseases in girl culture, encouraged by social media platforms. Since society decrees that girls should be good and well behaved, these feelings lie hidden and fester inside them. There is a hidden culture of aggressiveness in girls, depicted in many teen movies including “Mean Girls” and written about in books such as “Reviving Ophelia”, “Queen Bees and Wannabes” and “Odd Girl Out”. Girls form exclusionary social cliques, and some – like the “Queen Bee” and her Court – are skilled at putting down, excluding and being nasty to girls who are perceived to be threatening. They weaken others’ friendships, thereby strengthening their own power and influence. This behaviour is known as Relational aggression (intentionally hurting someone by harming their relationships to others) and it’s prevalent in girl culture. It includes things like eye rolling, ignoring, building alliances, “bad” teasing and put-downs, spreading rumours and gossip, forming exclusive cliques and cyber bullying. It starts in about Grade 5 or 6 and peaks in Grade 8, at the beginning of high school. Fortunately, it tends to decrease later in high school as girls mature, their friendships become more stabilised and they learn to interact and support each other. Relational aggressive behaviour is usually surreptitious and flies under the radar of parents and teachers. Many times, the perpetrators are “popular” girls who have quite a following – a.k.a. “Queen Bees”. Targets often don’t understand what they did to cause the behaviour and take on some of the blame. As adults, we don’t always understand how devastating it can be for a young girl to have to deal with this kind of social rejection. Targets may feel totally alone and isolated. Many of these incidents are caused by misunderstandings or assumptions in turn caused by girls’ fear of direct conflict and possible isolation. Witnesses (bystanders) to this kind of relational aggressiveness are extremely important as they have the power to either enable the bullying to continue or stop it in its tracks by confronting the bully/bullies about their mean behaviour. What can targets do about it?  Girls have to learn the art of direct communication and know that disagreements and confrontation in friendships are normal and healthy. Just like with other bullying, instead of keeping the pain of relational bullying or a breaking friendship to themselves, targets need to talk about it – to other friends and to adults who can offer advice and help them move on. They need to accept that although it is awful to go through, it is part of girl culture. They have to learn to be resilient and build up their self esteem again by keeping busy, pursuing their own unique talents and interests that make them feel happy and good about themselves and starting to make new, healthier and affirming friendships.

May 31, 2014
Parenting Hub

Are you raising a brat?

Every child is born a loving , gentle individual and every child is prone to bratty behavior at some phase of childhood.  For those parents who are unsure if your child is going through a phase or has simply become a brat, here are some tell tale signs to help you identify if you are raising a brat …… Crying or yelling – your child may resort to crying or yelling when they want something. This could be because they may not possess an inside voice or be able to convey a request without yelling, which often result in the slightest of issues like eating supper or bedtime become a crying or yelling match. This however does not mean that they are becoming a brat… it is important however to teach your child vocalize correctly when they are wanting something. Tantrums – Children are all masters at throwing tantrums, leaving no place nor person spared from the effects of a tantrum.  At first glance it could appear that your child is throwing a temper tantrum, however there are times when they are simply having a meltdown and this is very different. A temper tantrum is thrown because your child feels the need to control a situation or to use it as a power play to get what they want. A meltdown, is a tantrum thrown, when your child feels overwhelmed by their emotions, environment or sensations around them. These meltdowns safe guard your child and are the manifestation of uncertainty and fear. In both cases, these need to be addressed and handled with care. Often times when a parent fails to acknowledge the temper tantrum the child will resort to different means of communicating what their “wants” are and is important that you as the parent explain to the child that their behaviour is unacceptable. When your child has a melt-down it is important to acknowledge their feelings or anxiety at the time and help resolve the true matter at hand. Physical violence – Punishment and not giving in to demands will be seen by your child as opposition and they will lash out by means of hitting, punching, pushing, kicking, biting or throwing items. Your child may have learnt that by causing physical pain others will result in them achieving their desired result.  We as parents, must address this issue at the time that it occurs and ensure that the child knows that their behaviour is not acceptable. More often than not, these sorts of behaviour are picked up by those around him either within the home or at school. Ignoring commands – Child who will ignore or “tune out” when spoken to. These children often refuse to comply with the request or command you have given them.  These children may find themselves in trouble at school often, this behaviour occurs most when the parents are around. This occurs because the child knows that they can “play up” and the parent will react in the manner the child wants. Rude and ill mannered – Children who are rude to adults and even to other children, combined with the displaying of bad manners and speaking with disrespect to other. It is important to remember that your child did not suddenly wake up one morning speaking this way, this is skill that your child has learnt through the behaviour that has been observed around him. Children learn by example and those who are around people, who treat with respect and talk within a decent tone to others, in order to achieve their goals, often don’t find themselves in these sorts of situations. Non -sharing – Children who refuse to share with others, this can be for toys, food or attention often can become hoarders and will go so far as to snatch items from others. Sharing is an important skill for your child to learn. It is vital that your child understands that although they will be sharing a particular item or attention that the item remains their own. This is often brought on by insecurity that your child is feeling within their world. By explaining the process of “what happens next”, once they have handed the toy over to their playmate reduces the chances of your child developing a problem with sharing.  It is also important to note that your child will need reminders about sharing and that this skill does take some time to develop. Not obeying rules– Children who believe that they are right and entitled to what they want at all times.  These children do not see the need to conform to the families rules and often this later becomes societies rules. Your child will test your boundaries at some point or another. By you and your partner working as a team to show your child that the rules of the house are important you can rectify this behaviour. More often than not children will begin to conform if no other behaviour is accepted within the household. Children are constantly learning in the early phases of life. This means that by displaying the correct behaviour that you would like your child to exhibit, will often result in the angel that you always dreamt of having.  Do not underestimate the power of friends influencing from a young age and try to ensure that your child is spending time with the right people from a young age. This will ensure that fewer bad decisions are made later in the teen years when it comes to them picking their friends.      

November 13, 2013
Parenting Hub

A Teacher Breaks Through to Tough Teens

On a recent episode of my public access television show, I interviewed Mr. Dan Blanchard, an author and speaker on motivating teens. He’s also a school teacher in one Connecticut’s largest inner-city high schools. Mr. Blanchard is the author of’ the book, “Granddaddy’s Secrets,” a teen leadership book series that defines the importance of one generation passing wisdom to the next. During my interview with Dan Blanchard, I asked him for some advice for parents who are having a tough time getting through to their own teenagers. Here is what he said: “There’s no one easy way to do it. I’ve had parents come to me in parent teacher conferences or pull me to the side to talk. I’ve seen the frustration in their faces for years and years. They say things like, “My kid won’t listen to me. I tell my kid something and he does the opposite. It goes in one ear and comes out the other.” So one of the things I try to tell them is to just relax. I tell them that believe it or not, they’re getting it. They’re hearing you; their just acting like they’re not hearing you.” “Therefore, the worst thing the parent could do is to give up and worse, go into a combat mode. You can’t go into ‘combative mode’ with your teen; you have to stay in the ‘love mode.’ You have to just keep giving them your messages over and over again, calmly, even though maybe it feels like it’s been a million times that you’ve given them that same message. Do your best to keep giving it to them with warmth and love and know that at some point, they’re going to say, “Remember when you said ‘such and such’?” I can’t count how many times I’ve been a witness to that.” To summarize all of what Mr. Blanchard’s had to say, I listed his point here as a summary: Pass wisdom on to your kids and teens through storytelling. Your teens must reject you as part of their normal development; don’t take it personal. Continue conveying your messages to your teen, even if they don’t seem to be listening. Convey those messages with calmness and love; avoid getting combative with them. Establish a nonnegotiable homework time each day, Sunday – Thursday PM. Be ready to give them homework if they rarely seem to come home with any; have them read a book or magazine article and write a review. Parents should remove distractions (such as the Internet) during homework time. Use kindness and encouragement with tough teens. Write them encouraging notes. Teens need to know how much you care, even though they act like they don’t. Dan Blanchard has done his homework. He’s been an inner-city school teacher and athletic coach for 20 years and has a passion for teaching, inspiring, and working with teens. As an award winning author, speaker, and educator, Dan shares real-life lessons and inspiring stories with audiences of teens, adults, educators, and sometimes a mixture of all three. His goal is to positively influence the way we think about what is possible, regardless of how old we are. Visit his website: GranddaddysSecrets.com.

May 24, 2013
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