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The Big Issue With Self Esteem

What is all the fuss about and what can parents do to improve their children’s self-esteem? In recent years self-esteem has become a bit of a buzz word. Parents, teachers, occupational therapists, psychologists and social workers (to name a few) have all become reasonably obsessed with the concept, and near panic proportions are reached if a parent is told that their child has (gasp) POOR self-esteem! For many parents, the very thought that their child might have poor self-esteem is met with horror, severe guilt and is coupled with dire thoughts about the child’s future and whether or not he or she will ever be a success. But what is self-esteem exactly, and why is it so important? More importantly, what can parents do to ensure that children develop a healthy self-esteem? Put very simply, self-esteem is the way in which a person thinks and feels about him or herself. An individual with good self-esteem perceives herself as acceptable, competent and accomplished. A person with poor self-esteem feels unacceptable and doubts his or her ability to confront and solve problems in a masterful manner. The reason there is a big fuss about self-esteem is that it does appear linked to important things such as physical and mental health and satisfaction in life. Many studies have shown that poor self-esteem is linked to such things as low academic performance, depression, anxiety, sexual risk behaviour, drug and alcohol abuse…to name a few. It is therefore reasonably understandable that parents feel a sense of concern over the quality of their children’s self-esteem. The big question then, is WHAT CAN PARENTS DO to enhance the self-esteem of their children? The following article will answer this question, starting from the moment that an individual first becomes a parent, giving simple hints and suggestions for dealing with infants and older children alike. Infancy: The importance of a good attachment A child’s most significant relationship is usually (although not necessarily) with it’s parents. It is within the safety of this primary relationship that children start developing thoughts and feelings about themselves that are mirrored to them through the eyes of their parents. The bond between a parent and child is traditionally referred to as the ‘attachment’ between the child and it’s primary caregiver. The quality of this attachment can range on a continuum from very good, to very poor and starts developing from the moment that a child is born. Importantly, a good attachment is one of the primary foundations upon which one’s self-esteem is based. Although there is no rule book for establishing a positive attachment with one’s infant, there are a few things that parents can do to make a good attachment more likely. There are also red flags to look out for that might prevent a parent from establishing a good attachment with one’s child. Most significantly, it is critical that parents are RESPONSIVE and focussed on the needs of the child. Infants are completely dependent on their parents for protection and nourishment and are unable to meet any of their needs independently. A responsive parent is one who is reasonably in tune with their infant. As such, they are able to react quickly and accurately to the needs of the child. These needs could be physical or emotional and may include food, a clean nappy, comfort, warmth or sleep. As the child gets older and more interactive, this responsive style starts to include the child’s increasingly complex emotional experiences. It becomes important for a parent to accurately respond to both positive emotions, such as smiling back or laughing when the child smiles; or negative emotions, such as soothing a frustrated or upset infant. Red flags for parents to be aware of are any issues that prevent a parent from being able to respond to the needs of their child. These could include: post natal depression, marital conflict, alcohol or drug abuse, mental illness such as depression or anxiety, or burnout from severe work stress. Parents are advised to seek timely help from a professional if they are unable to cope with these issues on their own or with the help and support of family and friends. Consistent praise and encouragement: How it relates to self-esteem As children grow older and start talking, praise and encouragement become incredibly important for children and are a vital ingredient in promoting a healthy self-esteem. Positive feedback can relate to behaviours, but can also relate to specific aspects of a child’s character (for example, “You were so kind when you helped that little boy who fell”; “You laugh so easily, I love your sense of humour”) as well to the relationship between you and your child (“you’re my special boy”; “I love you”). In these ways, positive feedback can help a child to understand that they are loved and cherished, for specific qualities that are noticed and appreciated. Solve problems WITH your child rather than FOR them As children continue developing, their abilities become more complex and more is expected of them by society. As individuals, our ability to confront and solve problems determines much of our experience of success or failure. Children who consistently rely on parents to solve their problems for them are unlikely to feel the sense of accomplishment and pride that comes from solving their own problems. In addition, as children develop into adults, over-reliance on parents for problem solving will lead to unhealthy levels of dependence. In order to foster independence and a positive self-esteem, it is important that parents allow or assist children to solve their own problems. Problem solving refers to a variety of different situations and often involves a great deal of patience from parents. For example, it might take your child ten agonizing minutes to figure out how to use a new toy or to find the place where the puzzle piece fits in. Although you might be able to do it for your child in seconds, it is more important that you allow your child to explore

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The Un-Motivated Teenager

An unmotivated teenager can be frustrating for parents and other authority figures such as teachers. In addition, the teenagers themselves are likely to suffer adverse effects and consequences due to this state of being. It has been said in jest that teens are very motivated but only at doing what they want to do. Nevertheless, when it is your teenager that is un-motivated and seemingly not interested in anything it can become an extremely distressing and stressful time for the entire family. The de-motivated and un-motivated teen commonly emerges in the academic arena first, or at least this is where the most stress emanates.  This is because school and school-related activities such as studying for tests, completing homework and  assignments takes up the majority of the teenagers time. However, other areas where one can see an un-motivated teen are social activities, sport and home/family commitments. Sometimes, the terms un-motivated and underachiever are used interchangeably and creates much confusion. However, there can be a clear distinction between the two which is measurable. When one looks at underachievers one has to determine the gap between their actual ability and their results at school. Their actual ability is easily measured by IQ and scholastic testing. This is an important aspect to look at as there are many facets to the discrepancy. It sometimes happens that people like parents and teachers assume that a youngster is very bright, but upon examination discover that they have very high verbal abilities, however this is not matched by their non-verbal abilities resulting in lower grades in various subjects. The true underachiever, is when a youngster is measured to be gifted or have high cognitive abilities as measured by an Intellectual test but this is doesn’t translate to their  academic achievements at school. Why do some teenagers have no motivation? The reasons for an unmotivated teenager vary and include some of the following: Low self-esteem; A teen’s peer group has no ambitions and the group may promulgate an attitude that it is  “un-cool” to care about school marks and achieve good grades; Does not care about the consequences of their lack of motivation; Has psychological difficulties such as depression and anxiety or other worries; Does not respect authority and not being motivated is a way to rebel; Is under too much pressure from parents and teachers to achieve; Parents want their teen to achieve their ambitions and not what the teen is interested in; Parents are too strict or too lax with expectations; Pre-occupation with family problems; What to do if you are concerned about your teen’s lack of motivation? If you are concerned about your teenager’s grades it will be prudent to have an educational assessment if your teen has not previously undergone an assessment.  A full assessment will determine your teen’s learning style as well as any strengths and vulnerabilities and what can reasonably be expected from them academically. In addition, a good educational assessment will also look at a teenager’s emotional well-being to evaluate whether there are any emotional difficulties that are hampering their progress or motivation. A career assessment may be necessary if the teen does not know what he /she is going to do with their future, as they may feel “lost” and therefore un-motivated to reach their academic goals. Psychotherapy and counselling may be beneficial in terms of helping adolescents with their motivation. In addition, study skills and addressing learning styles will be beneficial in helping youngsters. (Learning styles are determined by educational assessments).

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Teenager Self-Harm & Cutting

Self-harm, self-mutilation or self-injury behaviour all mean an action that is deliberate on the part of the adolescent to hurt or injure themselves. Self-harming behaviour is usually not an attempt from the adolescent to commit suicide, however does suggest that the teenager is struggling with underlying emotional issues. Depression and suicidal ideation, should however, never be discounted as for some teenagers this is a real concern. Teenagers who engage in this behaviour may partake in other risky behaviours such as alcohol and drug use. One particular phenomena related to self-harming behaviour is that is can become contagious in that it is common for teenagers to ‘copy’ or try fit in with their peers. It thus becomes ‘cool’ or trendy and self-harming behaviour can occur more prolifically when others in the peer group start engaging in this type of behaviour. There is not one particular reason why teenagers self-harm. It generally suggests emotional turmoil brought about by several factors such as the following: Inability to deal with emotional difficulties, such as relationship difficulties or problems within the family (such as not getting on with siblings, parent/s, step-parents etc.); Feelings of distress, anger, frustration, guilt Feelings of having ‘no control’ over their lives; Poor self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness; Clinical disorders such as depression, anxiety or obsessive compulsive disorder; Inability to deal with stress; Feelings of pressure (academics, sports or from peers); Inability to express feelings in a healthy way; Loneliness and feelings of isolation; Wanting the attention of people who can help them; Spending with time with individuals who self-harm; and History of abuse or of having experienced a traumatic event. Self-injury can become addictive and progressively serious. Teenagers who self-harm have difficulty asking for help. It is therefore important for caregivers and teachers to look out for this behaviour and seek the help of a psychologist.

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Peer Pressure

The powerful lure of peer pressure is synonymous with adolescence. The adolescent essentially has a need firstly to “belong” and secondly to individuate. What this means is that in order to belong and be accepted one has to ‘fit-in’ with peers and that is more or less wearing certain types of clothes, reading the same books, and generally doing what others are doing. The reasons for bowing into peer pressure vary, and can be for a variety of reasons such as fear, loneliness, depression, fitting in, avoiding embarrassment/humiliation, low self-worth and so forth. Therefore, the views and judgment of their peers is practically like oxygen for the adolescent’s survival. In addition, adolescents need to ‘separate’ from their parents, which often involves a stage of rebelliousness and a desire to be different to them. Therefore, the opinions and values of parents become less important to them whilst the views (including judgment and acceptance) of their peers becomes increasingly important. Peer pressure can be both subtle (when a teen says ‘I want those clothes because everybody has got them’ without any peer actually saying they must acquire those clothes) to blatant where teens are told directly to do something so as not to be a “bore” etc. In addition, peer pressure can be both positive and negative (for example, there may be a culture within certain peer groups that adolescents need to obtain good grades or participate in sport and they therefore feel motivated to achieve which is pressure that is generally positive). Of course, peer pressure is negative as it can heavily impact on issues such as drinking alcohol, sexual activity or promiscuity, substance abuse and other reckless and potentially dangerous behaviours. In addition, peer pressure can lead to criminal behaviour, as well as harmful and damaging behaviour towards others (in the case of the abuse of social media and technology, for example). How can parents help their teens? As always communication is key. Parents should discuss peer pressure with their children. They can help their teenagers by reminding them of their values and beliefs and the importance and merit of just “being themselves”. Parents can ask their child to write a list of the pros and cons of peer pressure. Parents will have ample opportunity to discuss peer pressure, as this does not always have to be directly about their teenager. (For instance, they can be watching a TV program where an incident of peer pressure occurs and this can be an opener for a discussion with their teen (..“what do you think about that”..; “what do you think he/she should have done?…” “why do you think he/she acted like that….”). Parents should encourage their adolescents to associate with like-minded peers. In addition, it is important that parents are good role models themselves. Adolescents need to be reminded that there is always a parent they can talk too, no matter how difficult the subject is. They also need to be encouraged to talk to a person they trust, such as an aunt or uncle. If you require a psychologist for your teenager in the Johannesburg area contact the Sandton Psychology Centre. The psychotherapy and assessment Centre has a variety of psychologists that work with adolescents by providing.

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Teenage Slang and Language: A Guide to Understanding Teenagers

When trying to communicate with your daughter, it can sometimes seem as though she is speaking another language; full of teenage slang and phrases you’ve never heard of. Our Teenagers’ Language Guide and Action Checklist will help you decipher youth slang and make it easier to talk to your daughter. Across different generations, teenagers have always had their own language. Think of the 1950s when all things good were called “cool”. By the early 1960s, Mod slang had changed this to “ace”, in hippy lingo it became “groovy” and today, this simple descriptor can be anything from “sick” to “amaze”. It can make understanding teenagers hard. Teenage slang words exist because they need their own language. Using a language that is particular to your tribe and time plays a crucial part in developing self-confidence.  It is also an important step in your journey of self-discovery as it develops a sense of identity and belonging. Teenagers are trying to find their own way in the adult world and feel most at home when developing relationships with their peers. Sharing a language with other teens creates a bond and helps to build a sense of self-confidence in one’s opinions. Technology also creates greater opportunities for coming up with new words. Deborah Tannen, linguistics professor at Georgetown University in Washington, D.C. and author of You’re Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation, says text speak or ‘txt spk’ shows that teens are moulding language to suit their needs. We shouldn’t jump to criticise it, but we shouldn’t try to emulate it in order to relate to our daughters either. “You need to use language that’s appropriate to the context, just as you need to dress in a way that’s appropriate to the context,” says Tannen. “Adults look silly when they try to dress like kids. They might sound a little silly trying to talk like kids.” As girls get older they may be happier to use language that their parents will have a better chance of understanding, but when they’re young they like to try new things and feel independent. Rapidly changing teenage slang, says Dove Self-Esteem Project Advisory Board Member, Dr Christina Berton, is a totally normal part of the growing up process and something that parents should try to accept. “As your daughter grows up, she will be constantly trying to find ways to define her own personality and mark out her independence,” she explains. “Naturally, part of this is about setting herself apart from her parents and having a ‘private’ language between her and her friends is one way of doing this. This doesn’t mean you have to be excluded from what’s going on though – as her parent, it’s important to make sure she knows you’re willing to talk to her about anything and that above all, you’re really interested in what’s going on in her life. Remember not to be judgmental and be a parent she can look up to for wisdom, advice and sharing. That way she’ll know the lines of communication are always open.” Understanding Teenagers:  A Teenage Language and Slang Words Guide YOLO = you only live once TTYL= talk to you later LOL = laugh out loud ROFL = roll on floor laughing IRL = in real life Awks = embarrassing Jokes = funny Totes = very Sick = good What Next: Action Steps to Help with Understanding Teenagers Don’t try to adopt your daughter’s lingo. She wants to feel that she is her own, separate person, and developing her own language is part of that. Teens love instant messaging and texting so one way to keep an open line of communication is to use mobile technology to contact your daughter – but there’s no need to use abbreviated ‘txt spk’ to be understood. If you don’t know what your teenage daughter is talking about, try asking her to explain what she means and showing her you’re interested in what she has to say.   To read more articles like this, visit the Dove Self Esteem website: http://selfesteem.dove.co.za/

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Raising Happy Teenagers: How Mindfulness and Meditation Practices Can Help Build Coping Skills for Life

Everyone wants their daughter to be happy. Yet, when girls start to focus on perfection and their body image, they may ignore their true strengths. New brain science reveals that relaxation skills can be useful in showing girls how to feel happy from the inside out. Happy Teenagers and Sulky Adolescents: What’s Going on in a Teenage Girl’s Brain? A curious thing happens when our little girls start to become teenagers. Not only do girls begin to bloom in so many ways, they often start to pull away. It’s not uncommon for parents to wonder: “What happened to my happy, carefree girl?” It may be a comfort to know that the shift you see in your daughter’s personality and mood is not just about hormones. In fact, it’s so much more than that. Her brain is undergoing an amazing rewiring process which happens during the teen years. With the right experiences, new and emerging neural connections allow her to stretch her abilities and develop into a thoughtful, empathetic and creative human being. The Desire to Conform Can Prevent Teenage Girls from Discovering How to be Happy with Who They Are A part of this growing-up process also means that girls will naturally compete and compare themselves to other girls. This is an evolutionary behavioural trait that allows them to adapt to the world. It also means that girls begin to look outward for affirmation of their self-worth, body confidence and sources of happiness. Fitting in and being accepted can become more important than being with family or enjoying once-loved childhood hobbies. All of a sudden, girls may shift from thoughtful self-reflection, creativity and tuning in, to tuning out from an authentic sense of self. Often what makes children happy is pursuing their individual hobbies and interests, but for many teenage girls it’s more important to be like everyone else. The need for peer approval can diminish their ability to draw on their developing sense of identity. Friendship groups and the media can create beliefs around beauty and being cool, fuelling the myth that perfection leads to happiness. Buying into these myths can reinforce something called ‘negativity bias’ in the brain; making us super-sensitive to differences and causing us to see them as flaws or dangers. For example, many girls start to believe they can only be happy if they… Are skinny Have bigger boobs Are super trendy Have a boyfriend Get straight As Get 100 Likes on their profile pics It’s important to help girls to realise that ticking items off these “wish lists” isn’t the key to everlasting happiness. In fact, it’s impossible to feel happy all the time because feeling happy is a momentary experience. Instead, the key is to savour those happy moments, appreciate them, remember them, and reflect on them. Encouraging girls to consider the joyful instants during their week helps them appreciate that life has its ups and downs. Next Steps: Ten Ways to Help Raise Happy Teenagers Dr Willard offers simple ways for parents to help their daughters feel positive and get more joy out of life: Be calm. Demonstrate thoughtful responses in your own daily life rather than immediate reactions. If your daughter gets a bad grade at school, don’t get cross but offer to sit down with her and go through steps on how she might improve next time. Take deep breaths when you feel stressed. When you are calm, children are often calmer – they can understand how to be happy even when plans fall through by following the example you setting. Take perspective. When challenges come up for your daughter, especially around body image, help her take a step back. For example, if she doesn’t like her thighs, acknowledge her feelings, but help her ‘zoom out’ by pointing out that her strong thighs make her a faster runner. Take gentle care of your body. Exercise regularly and make healthy meals. By encouraging these healthy habits and by practicing them yourself, your teen will in all likelihood also adopt them and so take care of her body and be more conscious of all the great things her body allows her to do. This will nurture body confidence. Make time to have meals together. Spend time outdoors. Go for a walk and take in the sights and sounds around you. Have a technology-free zone in the house. Keep all cell phones, iPads etc. charging in one spot and don’t allow them in bedrooms. Screens on these devices keep the brain awake and interrupt natural sleep rhythms. Show kindness to others. Show that you are thankful for the little things. Even when life may seem stressful. Celebrate the best parts of the day and share things to be happy about.   To read more articles like this visit the Dove Self-Esteem website: http://selfesteem.dove.co.za/

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Too Much Caffeine When Cramming For Finals Poses Health Risk To Students

Exam season is upon us and soon hundreds of thousands of students across the country will be pulling caffeine-fuelled all-nighters in an attempt to cram a year’s worth of information into their heads, but a pharmaceutical company warns of caffeine-induced anaphylaxis or allergy. Mariska van Aswegen, spokesperson of allergy medicine provider, Pharma Dynamics says with final exams looming, the next month or so is going to be particularly stressful for students. “Whether intentional or not, many students tend to leave studying for finals till the 11th hour resulting in many nocturnal hours spent slumped over a desk in last-minute preparation. This is when stimulants such as coffee and energy drinks become the go-to in order to help students stay awake and alert,” she says. But too much caffeine can lead to caffeine-induced anaphylaxis or caffeine allergy toxicity, especially in sensitive individuals. Van Aswegen explains that a caffeine allergy can be deceptive. “The allergic person may experience typical symptoms associated with an allergy which includes sneezing, difficulty breathing, hives an itchy or swollen mouth and tongue, heart palpitations, dizziness or eczema, but these physical cues are often accompanied by psychiatric responses. Depending on how much caffeine is consumed, symptoms of caffeine allergy – also termed by some as a cerebral allergy – can range from mild to severe which include lack of concentration and comprehension, aggression, hyperactivity and disorganised thought processes. “Students may diagnose their symptoms as a sign of overtiredness making them reach for yet another cuppa or energy drink, which may provide minor relief, but it just continues to jeopardise the body,” cautions van Aswegen. She says a caffeine allergy is difficult to detect and can take several hours for symptoms to become apparent. Caffeine is also the last thing you associate the response with. Doctors in turn also rarely diagnose caffeine allergy because few know of it and aren’t likely to ask about your caffeine consumption. Although many people drink coffee, energy drinks and cola, which contain large doses of caffeine, some may not realise that they are actually allergic to it. Symptoms may vary depending on how strong a person’s allergy to caffeine is. “How you react to caffeine has a lot to do with how much caffeine you are used to drinking. People or students in this case who aren’t used to consuming lots of caffeine on a regular basis can be much more sensitive or allergic to its negative effects. The converse may also be true. According to medical literature, the longer a person is exposed to an allergen, the greater the chances of developing an allergy to the substance. “Once this happens, those allergic to caffeine can’t adequately metabolise it. Consequently, they experience hypersensitivity or inflammation in certain organs. So, it pays to know your limits with caffeine.” Her advice to students studying for end-of-year exams is as follows: Ditch the caffeine for H2O. Water gives the brain the electrical charge it needs for all brain functions including thought and memory processes Eat a well-balanced diet of fruit and vegetables at least a week prior to and during exam time Take a five minute break every hour to allow your body to produce more glucose – the fuel you need for studying. Rather opt for snacks such as almonds, blueberries, avocados, fatty fish and yoghurt Get enough sleep and avoid the all-nighters. Studies show that all-nighters impair reasoning and memory for up to four days. Review the toughest material right before going to bed the night before the test which makes it easier to recall the information later Avoid distractions such as listening to music, SMSing or tweeting while studying as this will limit your ability to retain information “By drinking three caffeinated energy drinks a day, students could be ingesting more than 500mg of caffeine or 1.5 times the amount of caffeine that is regarded as safe for adult consumption. Two to three cups of coffee (300mg of caffeine) a day is considered safe and teenagers should limit themselves to no more than 100mg of caffeine a day,” says van Aswegen.

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Communicating with Teenagers: Sharing Life Experiences and ‘Mum Wisdom’ with Your Daughter

Ensuring that the lines of communication between you and your daughter are always open is one of the best ways to stay connected. Find out how sharing life experiences – with empathy and understanding – can be an important part of strengthening this relationship. It will also assist your daughter on her journey towards self-discovery and help improve her self-esteem. When it comes to growing up, the speed of change has never been faster than it is today and sometimes it can seem that there is a world of difference between your teenage experiences and the life of your teenage daughter. Just because you might be from the pre-digital age, however, doesn’t mean that there is a big difference between your life experiences. It’s the way that situations and discoveries make girls feel about themselves, how it affects their self-confidence, rather than specific details, that’s important. Often it’s the emotional upheavals of adolescence that are similar between mothers and daughters. The understanding that you have of your daughter’s experience is in effect ‘mum wisdom’. Sharing these common emotions and how you coped with them at your daughter’s age is a great way to help her build her own self-image and self-esteem as she gets older. It can be the foundation of a great line of communication between you and your daughter. Listening First, Solutions Second The key to effective communication is listening to any worries and difficulties that your daughter may be having and not leaping to judgments or immediately dispensing advice. Dove Self-Esteem Project Advisory Board member, Dr Christina Berton, urges any mum to “remember how different situations made you feel, and give plenty of space for listening. You want to stay connected, so you need to allow her to share her emotions with you, not feel that you are going to judge her as soon as she opens her mouth.” In order to show empathy you need to put yourself in her shoes and imagine how she is feeling. By doing this you will be creating a stronger bond between the two of you and make communicating in the future a lot easier because there is a mutual understanding of how the other feels (or has felt). Focus on your daughter when you’re sharing life experiences. Some mothers want to show that they understand what their daughters are going through by sharing some of their own life experiences. Dr Phillippa Diedrichs, research psychologist and body image expert, suggests that mums should open up about their own lives, but keep the overall focus of their conversation on their daughter’s teenage experiences, as this is likely to be most helpful. “To feel supported, your daughter needs to see that you are really listening to what she is saying and that you are really there for her,” she says. “Sharing a related story from your own experience of growing up can be helpful if the intention is to show your daughter that you’ve had similar feelings in the past.” Your Teenage Experiences Won’t Be Exactly The Same. “It’s important that mothers don’t expropriate their daughters’ experiences as it’s unlikely they have had exactly the same ones as their daughter,” Dr Terri Apter says. “You shouldn’t say you know exactly what it’s like – teenage girls want to feel unique. Also, for the mother, whatever happened was a long time ago; for the daughter, it’s raw, and it hurts.” What if she’s telling you something that is beyond what you have experienced? Dr Diedrichs points out that it’s important to engage using empathy. “The most important thing is to show that you’re listening to her and you are there for her to tell you whatever she needs to share,” she says. It’s important that your daughter knows that you’re not only interested in hearing about her own experiences and how these make her feel but, most importantly, that she can always rely on you to be there to work through anything. What Next: Action Steps to Help When Communicating with Your Daughter One way to encourage your daughter to feel that she can talk to you is by bringing up subjects from the news that touch on what teenagers are interested in. Remember to ask what she thinks before you tell her your views. If you are tempted to compare a particular experience of hers with one from your youth, ask her first if she would like to hear it. It’s great to be there for your daughter but you still need to act like a parent, not a friend. That means you can be supportive and loving, but your responses should reflect that you are her role model. It’s good to be familiar with social media but you don’t have to compete with her. To read more articles like this visit the Dove Self Esteem website: http://selfesteem.dove.co.za/  

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Educating Your Child About Sex And Safety

You may feel uncomfortable and out of your depth discussing these topics, but it’s extremely important, as research shows that children who receive sex ed and learn about sexual boundaries and safety are less promiscuous and safer than their uneducated peers. It’s natural for children to be sexually curious, and if you don’t tell them, they’ll learn from someone else (often the wrong info)! Children who don’t understand sexual boundaries are far more likely to be sexually abused or molested. Child sex offenders often try to break personal boundaries, gain trust and normalise sexual activity between adults and children. If you’ve taught your children about personal boundaries, they’re more likely to pick up that what the adult is doing is wrong and disrupt the grooming process, reducing their risk of being sexually exploited. Knowledge is power – ignorance may be harmful! How do children learn about sex? Their sexual knowledge and behaviour is strongly influenced by their age, what they observe (including the sexual behaviours of family and friends) and what they are taught (including cultural and religious beliefs concerning sexuality and physical boundaries). As Heather Coleman, PhD said, “Young people do not wake up on their 13th birthday, transformed into a sexual being overnight. Even young children are sexual in some form.” So, how do you go about teaching your child? Firstly, respecting children’s personal boundaries teaches them how they should expect to be treated. Some parents or adults cross these boundaries without realising how unsafe and insecure it makes children feel. Obvious transgressions are telling children sexual jokes, showing them sexually explicit material, sharing personal sexual information, engaging in sexual activity in the presence of children or with children, touching future erogenous zones e.g. breasts, buttocks, penis, vulva. Less obvious: washing your child’s genitals when they’re old enough to wash their own, ignoring or disregarding the child’s right to privacy, opposite sex parents walking around naked when child is developing, undressing child in public, opposite sex parents sleeping in same bed as child, discussing child’s development with other people, telling child that sex or body parts and body functions are dirty, evil or nasty, making sexual comments about others in front of child and using poor judgment when taking child into a public toilet. What should we teach children, and when? Parents will have an idea of how much information their child should get by the questions they pose, as each child has different maturity levels. Don’t worry about giving too much info, as your child will ignore what they aren’t ready to hear. Here’s a general guideline: Grade 0-3 Grade 5-6 Grade 7 Simple answers to all questions about the body, private parts and bodily functions (using correct terms) Boys and girls are different and must treat each other with respect Simple explanation of how babies are made, grow in mother’s uterus and about the birth process Touching your own private parts is called masturbation. It can feel nice, but is only done in private. What to expect and how to cope with the changes of puberty (including menstruation and wet dreams) Basics of reproduction, pregnancy and childbirth   Start talking about safer sex, i.e. abstinence, birth control, importance of using condoms, risks of sleeping around, sexually transmitted diseases/  HIV and pornography   Children must learn that sex is meant to be an expression of love and that there’s no room for violence in a relationship. Boys must learn that gentleness isn’t a sign of weakness and girls must learn that it’s okay to be assertive and they’re allowed to say no! All children must learn that transactional sex is wrong and they must tell an adult what is happening. Discuss the difference between safe touches (which are comforting, pleasant and welcome) and unsafe touches (which are intrusive, uncomfortable, unwanted or painful). Explain that their body belongs to them and that it’s sexual abuse when someone touches their private parts or asks them to touch their private parts (even if it’s someone they know). Tell them that children have the right to say NO to being touched, even by grown-ups and that if an adult tells them to keep a secret they should say NO, and immediately tell an adult they trust. Discuss the difference between safe and unsafe secrets and who to tell when boundaries are crossed. Create “circles of safety” by drawing a small circle in the middle of a paper plate with your child’s name in it. Then draw another circle around that and write the people who they should tell if they’re feeling unsafe. Next draw an outer circle with other people or organisations your child may contact. Include phone numbers and addresses if necessary. This should help your child to feel safer, protected and secure (a bit like a cocoon). Create a password to be kept secret from everyone and used when necessary, e.g. if you’re delayed at work and have to ask someone else to collect your child from school or arrange for someone to babysit your child in your absence. The adult must be told the password and the child told to request the password before they go with the adult or let him/her into their home, even if they are known to the child. You must reiterate that if an adult tries to force them to go with them, they should remember the three important words: RUN, YELL and TELL.

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Depression and Suicide: The Unseen Killers Suicide in South Africa takes its toll

South African Stats 1)      10% of all non-natural deaths in adults and 9.5% in youth are due to suicide. 2)      +/- 23 a day, virtually 1 every hour. 3)      Nearly two-thirds of all suicide victims were aged between 20 and 39 years. 4)      Nearly 1 third of recorded suicides in SA are in Gauteng and a 1.5x increase in suicidal deaths in the Transkei over the past five years. 5)      There were 4.6 male suicides for every 1 female suicide. 6)      1 in 4 SA teens have attempted suicide. 7)      1 in 3 hospital admissions for suicide involve youth. 8)      Less than 1% of mental hospital beds are for children and adolescence. 9)      70% of South Africans who attempted suicide had a mental health disorder. 10)   75% of people will not get the mental health treatment they need. Following the recent suicides of celebrity comedian Robin William, as well as numerous South Africans across the country that have made headlines, it is important to note that at least 10% of all non-natural deaths in adults and 9.5% in youth in South Africa are due to suicide. Globally, according to the WHO, suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among 15-29 year olds, with 1 person committing suicide every 40 seconds. For every person that dies by suicide, between 10-20 people attempt it. According to Prof. Lourens Schlebusch, there are at least 23 suicides a day in South Africa – which may be underestimated due to the stigma involved in suicide. However, data on suicides and other unintentional injury deaths are not systematically tracked by any agency in the country making accurate statistics hard to come by, says SA’s largest mental health NGO, the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG). Suicide is a preventable tragedy and with appropriate help, treatment, and support, lives can be saved. Through raising awareness of the magnitude and scope of the problem, increasing psycho-social support and providing free counselling to those in need of help, and implementing grassroots suicide prevention strategies. SADAG’s Solutions to Suicide: Teen Suicide Prevention Despite the increasingly concerning rate of teen depression and suicide –  1 in 4 South African teens have attempted suicide and 1 in 3 hospital admissions for suicide involve youth – most schools don’t have counsellors or psycho-social support systems in place. SADAG initiated a school-based suicide prevention programme – Suicide shouldn’t be a secret – that goes class by class to empower youth to identify symptoms of depression and warning signs of suicide in themselves, their peers and loved ones; where to go in their communities for assistance, and how to contact SADAG. SADAG also trains teachers because giving power and advice to first-line responders helps them better cope in suicide crises. Counselling Containers in Townships There are many communities in South Africa that lack any access to mental health care. Dieplsoot is an example with an ever-increasing population of at least 200 000. SADAG has established a counselling container in Diepsloot that not only provides free counselling to residents but also outreach programmes with schools, churches, community groups, the police and clinics, and local shopping centres. Container Counselling units can help entire communities and provide easy access, education, support and save costs. A Counselling Container costs R600 000.00 per year to run, which includes providing the counsellors, phones, brochures and materials, talks and support to the members of the community. SADAG’s National Suicide Crisis Lines SADAG has been operating the national suicide prevention crisis lines (0800 567 567) for over 12 years with no funding from the Department of Health– despite the massive costs involved in helping callers on the lines. SADAG says the line needs to be available 24 hours a day but without funding this is simply not possible. “Our lines run 7 days a week from 8 am to 8pm but depression and suicidal thoughts don’t stop when our lines close”, says Chambers. Depression and suicide cross all racial, gender and socio-economic boundaries – affecting males and females, married and single, wealthy and poor, young and old. “Many people think that depression is a ‘female’ issue but statistics show that there are at least 4 male suicides for every one female suicide”, says Chambers. More education, resources and awareness by the government is needed. They need to be having with NGO’s working in the field.   Suicide is a critical issue in South Africa but it can be reduced and prevented. There is treatment for depression and other mental health issues, help is available. SADAG not only runs a 15-line toll-free counselling and referral centre but also offers community outreach, education and counselling to under-resourced communities, in schools, and in corporations. In addition, SADAG works with the South African government and medical aid schemes to increase political commitment and funding for mental health care and ensure that sufferers are treated equally. SADAG can be contacted on 0800 21 22 23, 0800 12 13 14, or www.sadag.org

Parenting Hub

Typical Teen or a Teen in Trouble?

By Janine Shamos Teenagers have their good days and their bad ones. But every so often, a learner will sit in class and he or she isn’t simply ‘having a rough day’; they didn’t just miss the bus or just break up a relationship or just fail a test. They are struggling in life. And like most teens, they try very hard to hide it, to seem normal and unaffected. But, if you know your learners, if you really see and feel your classroom, you’ll understand that something deeper than a ‘just bad day’ is going on. “We see our kids in the classroom daily, in the playground and on the sportfield which gives us a repeated look at their patterns, personalities, and concerns”, says High School educator, Rose. “We sometimes know kids better than their own parents because we see very different sides to them at school. We are perfectly positioned to recognize the warning signs when things go wrong.” Depression is not only a grown-up concern. Thousands of teenagers struggle with depression each day. Trying to manage all that teenage life has to present is hard enough for the average, happy kid. So, when any form of depression sets in, their issues multiply, their troubles magnify, and they begin to see life through less hopeful eyes. According to the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG), an estimated one in five children and adolescents has a mental health disorder, and one in 10 has a serious disorder and may have considered suicide. In South Africa, suicide is the second leading cause of death in the 15 to 24 age group. The facts are scary: 90% of people who develop a mental disorder start showing warning signs during their teen years; youth with a mental health disorder will often have significant impairments at home, school or with peers, and over 60% of youth with a mental health disorder don’t get the treatment they need. According to the National Youth Risk Behaviour Survey (2008), 23.6% of South African youth felt so sad that they stopped doing usual activities, 20.7% were considering suicide, 16.8% have a definite suicide plan, and 21.4% have attempted suicide at least once. The prevalence of suicidal and depressed feelings increases by grade – 19.5% of Grade 8’s, 21.4% of Grade 9’s, 24.2% of Grade 10’s, and 29.7% of Grade 11’s feel helpless, hopeless and depressed. What does that mean in terms of your typical high school classroom? Teachers have been shown to be effective in detecting mental health issues in their learners. “Teachers are in a great position to identify teens at risk, because they have the greatest access to the adolescent population over the longest period of time”, says psychologist Liane Lurie. “Therefore they have the greatest opprtunity to observe changes in teen behaviour and performance, identify vulnerable kids and take appropriate action.” Mental health problems in teens are real, painful and, left untreated, can have serious consequences. Knowledge and education are key if we are to save lives. “The more you know about teen depression, the better equipped you are to intervene”, says SADAG’s Cassey Chambers. SADAG offers teachers’ workshops as well as school-based talks to empower teachers and learners to recognise the warning signs and take action. . SADAG is open 7 days a week from 8am to 8pm on 0800 21 22 23 (toll-free) or SMS 31393. “Some warning signs and behaviours may be simple, obvious to pick up, while others are more hidden and complex. But no matter how depression presents itself, we can help”, says Chambers. Seeing the signs, talking about the problem, taking appropriate action and offering support can go a long way toward getting a teenager back on track. “We must remember that most depressed or vulnerable teens are looking for help but have no clue how to ask for it”, says Chambers. The sooner a mental health disorder is recognized, the greater the likelihood that treatment will be effective. What you know and what you do will make a real difference in a teen’s life So how do you know if a grumpy teen is being ‘typical’ or if they’re ‘troubled’? Teenagers face many pressures, from the changes of puberty to questions about who they are and where they fit in, and trying to assert their independence can lead to fights with parents and teachers. With all this ‘natural’ drama going on in a teen’s life, it isn’t always easy to differentiate between depression and normal teenage moodiness. If you’re not sure whether a teen is ‘typical’ or ‘troubled’, read the warning signs at the end of the article and consider how long the symptoms have been present, how severe they are, and how different the teen is acting from his or her usual self. “While some ‘growing pains’ are to be expected as teenagers grapple with the challenges of growing up, dramatic, long-lasting changes in personality, mood, or behaviour are red flags of a deeper problem”, says Lurie. There are 6 most common symptoms that teachers see in the classroom that are warning signs that something is wrong. Remember that while a teen might not be depressed, there may be other problems or issues they are grappling with. Loss of enthusiasm and interest: It’s true that some high school learners don’t show much drive, most have some level of investment, whether academically or on the sports field. When that shuts down for an extended period of time, your warning bells should be going off. Headaches: Headaches have always been an early indicator of stress and depression, so be aware if a learner continually talks of headache pain. Fatigue: Teenagers do admittedly sometimes look and behave like zombies. But when a learner continually looks exhausted, take notice. Hygiene and appearance: While teen fashion is often odd to say the least, a general disinterest in caring for himself is a clear warning sign that something’s wrong. Closely watch the learner whose physical appearance declines and remains that

Parenting Hub

Busting The Myths About Teen Suicide

By Janine Shamos All teens are moody; all teens are rebellious; all teens are angry and irritable; all teens are depressed. Aren’t they? Yet most of us still find it staggering that a teen could take his or her own life. Shouldn’t the world be filled with hope and possibility as a teen – not despair so deep that ending your life seems the only option? Teen suicide is a reality for many families. 9.5% of all teen deaths in South Africa are due to suicide and suicide as the fastest growing, and second leading, cause of death in the 15 – 24 age group. The National Youth Risk Survey found an alarming number of high school teens were depressed and suicidal – over 20% had considered suicide in the last month. But despite its prevalence, teen suicide is still shrouded in myth and misconception. It’s crucial we break the myths – there is no better way to prevent teen suicide. The South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG) runs the only toll-free suicide crisis line in the country (0800 567 567) and the only teen suicide prevention programme in schools. “The Suicide Shouldn’t be a Secret programme now eleven years old, is aimed at educating teens and teachers about the warning signs, facts and interventions of teen suicide”, says SADAG’s Cassey Chambers. The programme has been implemented in schools across the country in rural, per-urban and urban schools. Teen suicide is a hard thing to think about, and many people turn a blind eye hoping it’s a problem that will solve itself. LOTTO, has taken the bold step of supporting SADAG’s teen suicide prevention initiative at 30 more high schools across Gauteng. SADAG will be talking to the teens as well as their teachers to demystify the issue of teen suicide. “Teachers have a lot of face time with their students and often see problems before the parents do”, says Chambers. “Too often they don’t recognise behaviour changes as potential problems and don’t know what to do or who to turn to for help. The programme offers that insight and quick access to assistance.” The SADAG programme is open to applications from schools who feel they are in need of such intervention. “If you have students who are at risk or you feel that prevention is key, let us know”, says Chambers. Schools can call Clare or Adri on 011 262 6396 for more information. “I thought that teen depression wasn’t an issue in our school, I thought our kids were ‘fine’ – until we had a Grade 10 student kill himself. It was so out of the blue, so sudden – and he was not the kind of person I would have thought would ever be depressed or want to take his own life. We all need educating”, says High School Educator Dianne. The myths surrounding teen suicide are numerous – and dangerous. “There is still a lot of ignorance – and prejudice – about suicide generally”, says Chambers. “Not only does this mean that those in need of help, don’t ask for it because of fear and shame, but also those who have lost loved ones due to suicide have a far tougher road to acceptance and healing.” US Researcher, Dr Thomas Joiner, refers to suicide as “the most stigmatised of human behaviours.” Many people mistakenly believe that you can’t intervene or make a difference – that a teen who wants to kill themselves will just keep trying until they get it right so ‘why bother’. “I used to think there was nothing you could do, then I heard a SADAG counsellor use the analogy of a heart attack. We don’t just resign ourselves to a loved one having repeated heart attacks until they die, we act and intervene. We need to do the same for teens who need psychological help”, says High School teacher Prudence. One of the biggest and most damaging myths is that if people want to die by suicide, we can’t stop them. The truth is that even teens who are serious about killing themselves can be helped. In the majority of cases, teens don’t want to die – but they see no other alternative. Providing another ‘way out’, another way to ease the pain is often the answer. Many adults are scared to talk about suicide, afraid to bring up the subject in case it makes the teen think about it. This isn’t true. “Simply talking about suicide won’t make your teenager more likely to try it”, says psychiatrist Dr Frans Korb. Frank conversation about suicide could have quite the opposite effect – and save a life. Many parents, teachers and peers believe that teens are all talk. “My friend used to always tell me she wanted to die, and that she was going to kill herself. I never took her seriously”, says 17-year-old Naomi. SADAG warns that up to 80% of teens give some kind of warning prior to a suicide attempt or completed suicide so, while your child may not always do what he or she says (like clean their bedroom), when it comes to talk of death and suicide – take it seriously. Most teens show a number of warning signs. “The key is knowing what to watch for and this is the power of the Suicide Shouldn’t be a Secret programme”, says Chambers. Teenagers who drink a lot, use drugs, run away from home, withdraw from friends, write or draw pictures about death, have trouble at school or go through a break-up may all be at risk for suicide. “There are many warning signs and the SADAG programme helps people understand what these signs mean and helps them put all these signs and triggers into context”, says Chambers. SADAG is open from 8am to 8pm 7 days a week on 0800 21 22 23, or visit www.sadag.org. The programme answers questions like: “My teen listens to metal – they sing about death and sometimes suicide. Does my

Heather Hansen

Parenting In The Information Age

There’s no doubt that parenting is not an easy job. It requires enormous dedication, self-sacrifice, patience and love. Even with all that, there is no guarantee that our children will emerge from their childhood into the adults we hoped for. As parents we have a huge influence, however our children are also influenced by their outer circle – siblings, extended family, friends, teachers, school peers, sports coaches, etc. Nowadays we also have the Age of Information to contend with – an ever-increasing influence on our developing children. We had to gradually accustom ourselves to this digital revolution, but our children have grown up with it. It has influenced how they communicate, socialise, learn, think and play. They are continually bombarded with a sea of information through radio, TV, video games and the internet via pc’s, laptops, i-pads and cell phones. They must evaluate whether the information is relevant or not – not a simple task when your brain is still developing! We may remember our own childhoods being carefree, innocent, playful, filled with imagination and wonder but the world wasn’t really like that – we were just blissfully unaware of what was going on around us. So is it possible to raise our children to be responsible, upstanding adults who care and contribute to society? Yes, definitely; we just have to be more aware and in touch, keep up to date with technology and be good role models. We cannot bury our heads in the sand – we have to embrace this information age and keep ourselves and our children informed of the potential risks and consequences of using all the devices they have at their disposal. Some of these are: Addiction Many kids (and adults) are completely addicted to their cell phones. They feel out of touch and concerned they’ll be left out if they are not in touch 24/7. Children may also be addicted to playing games on their i-pads, playstations, x-boxes or computer video games. Health Risks The jury’s still out, but some medical research indicates that EMR’s (electro magnetic rays) emitted by devices like cell phones and i-pads can affect our children’s brain development and affect their sleep patterns. Many kids stay on their devices until the wee hours every night eventually causing sleep deprivation. RSI (repetitive strain injury) aka BlackBerry Thumb from all that texting is on the increase. Brain tumours, breast and testicular cancer are also a potential threat. Social skills Some sociologists worry that soon kids may be unable to make friends and maintain relationships without their cell phones. They don’t always give one-on-one interactions the attention they deserve due to being distracted by their phones. Face to face communication skills are being affected. Not everyone has good cellphone manners! Inhibitions lowered With the press of a key, a child can have his/her reputation ruined. Sexting is becoming a huge problem – sending inappropriate photos or text messages which are then distributed far and wide. More and more boys are accessing porn (even 9/10 year olds) which gives incorrect information, takes away the sanctity of sex, objectifies girls and women and is quite possibly linked with entitlement or violent behaviour later on, in addition to affecting their sexual response system as an adult. Cyber bullying It’s on the increase everywhere including SA. A study done in 2012 indicated that one in five high school learners in Gauteng have been a victim. Children don’t realise that putting their nasty thoughts into words online can have a huge impact on their target and on themselves. It may not just break school rules, but may also have legal implications. Predator risk People can be whoever they want to be on the internet. Children are particularly vulnerable because they may equate their popularity with the number of contacts on their cell phone, FaceBook, Twitter, SnapChat, Instagram, Tumblr, etc. Throw in the fact that they are going through puberty, unsure about their attractiveness and want to fit in and be accepted, and it’s potentially a recipe for disaster. Children accept other kids as contacts even if they’ve never met and are “followed” by total strangers. Predators cast their nets out far and wide and children are often targeted and groomed for nefarious purposes. Children don’t realise that the digital world is like a huge filing cabinet and everything they say and do is stored there for a long time, if not forever. More and more schools, universities and potential employers are looking at social media profiles to get an idea of who the person is before they make a decision on whether or not they will accept them into their institutions. One tiny mistake can have a ripple effect and make a lasting impact on a child’s life. Parents should be friends with their children on BBM, FaceBook and other social media platforms to keep an eye on their status and watch out for inappropriate posts and content. You don’t have to overdo it and make comments all the time – respect your child’s space while watching over them. You should also check out their cell phone from time to time (you should have their passwords). Explain that your responsibility to keep them safe overrides their right to privacy!

Heather Hansen

Does Your Daughter’s Social Media Profile Reflect Who She Really Is?

The other day I read an excellent blog written by a mother of boys addressed to all the young teenage girls out there. In it, she says: “I know your family would not be thrilled at the thought of my teenage boys seeing you only in your towel. Did you know that once a male sees you in a state of undress, he can’t quickly un-see it?  You don’t want our boys to only think of you in this sexual way, do you? And so, in our house, there are no second chances with pics like that, ladies. We have a zero tolerance policy.  I know, so lame. But, if you want to stay friendly with our sons online, you’ll have to keep your clothes on, and your posts decent.  If you post a sexy selfie (we all know the kind), or an inappropriate YouTube video – even once – it’s curtains. I know that sounds so old-school, but we are hoping to raise men with a strong moral compass, and men of integrity don’t linger over pictures of scantily clad high-school girls.” It got me thinking because I have two sons – one soon to be 15 and the other turning 12. I too hope to raise boys with a strong moral compass. I too question some of the photos posted by young girls on SnapChat, Instagram, FaceBook, Twitter and other social media platforms. I don’t think these girls take the time to think about the fact that by posting scantily clad or pouting, provocative poses, they are giving our boys a message. They are doing themselves and other girls a disservice by encouraging male sexual objectification. Sexual objectification occurs “when a girl or woman’s body or body parts are singled out and separated from her as a person and she is viewed primarily as a physical object of male sexual desire” (Bartky, 1990). Not only this, but Fredrickson and Roberts (1997) asserted that women to varying degrees internalise this outsider view and begin to self-objectify by treating themselves as an object to be looked at and evaluated on the basis of appearance. This can lead to various issues like eating disorders, depression and sexual dysfunction. We need to keep reiterating the message to our kids that there’s a lot more to girls than just how they look. How they act is so much more important! Having said that, girls need to think carefully about the message they’re putting across when they go out wearing tight little shorts or tiny minis and skimpy tops showing lots of cleavage. Just because celebrities do it doesn’t mean it’s okay at their age. One of the questions I ask in an exercise I do with boys is: “Do you think girls are asking for trouble if they wear revealing clothing?” The vast majority say YES. There’s a fine line between trendy and sluttish. Interestingly, many of the boys I’ve talked to said that although they’re happy to look at (and perve over) “hot girls”, they’re far more likely to have a longer-term relationship with girls who are comfortable enough to be “one of the guys”, confident and comfortable with themselves, funny, honest, loyal and intelligent. Girls have so much power – they don’t need to be sexually provocative to attract boys – at least not the right kind of boys – the ones who’ll stick with you through thick and thin! So here’s the thing. You may get the attention you crave if you portray yourself as a sexual siren, but will it be from the sort of boys you want – boys with integrity, who really care about you as a person – not just you as a sexual object to be used and then discarded for someone else? Bottom line is girls, if you want to be taken seriously, don’t sell yourself short. If you want to be respected, treat yourself with respect. Think before you post.

The South African Depression and Anxiety Group

Bullying and Teen Suicide

by Stephanie Harel “For 2 years, Johnny, a quiet 13-year-old boy was a human play-thing for some of his classmates. The teenagers badgered Johnny for money, forced him to swallow weeds and drink milk mixed with detergent, beat him up in the restroom and tied a string around his neck, leading him around as a pet”. (Olweus, 1995 – as cited in Marsh & Wolfe, Abnormal Child Psychology, 4th edition, 2010, p. 164). Someone once said that suicide happens when the fear of life exceeds the fear of death… A most chilling definition of what it means to take one’s life. The literature on teen bullying is voluminous and yet, it is a social ill that remains largely ignored. Bullying is an old concept that we are all familiar with. However, bullying in schools today continues to be rife, and South African schools are not exempt from it. This hostile form of antisocial behaviour has almost gained the status of social pandemic. It is a phenomenon that often has tragic consequences, as is apparent in websites entitled ‘bullying stats’. Nowadays teen suicides by victims of bullies are more frequently reported. Bullying happens when one or more people expose another to unpleasant actions that take the form of physical offense, verbal insults and deliberate alienation from a group. Irrespective of the angle that bullying takes, its overriding intention remains the same throughout the world: it presents itself as coward disguised as macho, it creates an imbalanced power relationship where the victim is incapable of defence. Although it is important to note that girls differ from boys in the ways they bully others, whereby girls use more indirect forms of social aggression such as gossiping and spreading rumours whilst boys are more directly threatening, it is just as important to bear in mind that whatever form it takes, bullying is universally offensive and can cause death. Understanding the profile of a bully may help to create awareness and may increase the knowledge of those who are empowered to make a difference in schools. Typical bullies are usually aggressive towards both peers and adults. They are often impulsive, have a need to dominate others, are physically stronger than their peers, have little empathy and derive satisfaction from inflicting pain on their victims. More recently, bullying has adopted technology as an additional means of inflicting harm on its victims. The widespread access to the Internet and cell phones has led to new forms of bullying. Threats, insults, harassment and intimidation now reach victims by emails, text messaging and defamatory websites. This new channel of violence has taken on unprecedented momentum – Internet bullying in the USA is believed to be even more common than face-to-face bullying. “Technology has wider implications. Because social media never sleeps, bullying today has no boundaries. Previously home provided some reprieve from bullying at school; today a victim has no place to hide. The onslaught continues 24/7, beyond the classroom and the playground, via cyberspace. Technology has stretched the limits of bullying by adding a timeless psychological element to it that could intensify its impact.” Without major school interventions and policies, the prevalence of bullying will remain high. Besides suicide and other tragic consequences that this social menace brings, bullying has further implications. In the USA research has shown that nearly 40% of boys who were bullies in school were convicted of repeated criminal offenses by the time they were 24 years old. So bullying has a long lifespan. Furthermore, in discussions on bullying, the spotlight is often on the bully; to date, not much consideration has been given to reactions of the victim that survives. Victims might be stereotypically thought of as anxious, submissive and physically weak, but resentment is most definitely a trait that they could possess, a dormant trait that is nonetheless present. Once resentment awakens, it could be fuelled by the incessant pattern of bullying, it could spiral out of control. Resentment leads to anger and from there on to full blown retaliation that may know no boundaries. When a ‘victim turns perpetrator’ the number of casualties could be fatal. Albeit reluctantly, we are reminded of the school shootings in the USA – could those terrifying acts have perhaps been products of a long history of bully victims?

Parenting Hub

Cutting in Adolescence

The following is not meant to invoke fear, though it may, but rather, inform you as to a trend starting in early adolescence that has existed for decades in the dark. There is a plethora of means to self-harm, such as anorexia, or starving / restricting food intake; bulimia, or purging / vomiting up food soon after consumption; and so on. However, the form of self-harm briefly discussed here falls within the realm of self-mutilation, known as cutting. Burning oneself is also included as another form of self-mutilation. The information to follow may be difficult to read, though awareness is necessary. Take breaks in reading this article if need be and do not continue reading until you feel more settled. Emerging adolescence is an extremely challenging time developmentally, emotionally, psychologically, culturally, and socially. As such it is not uncommon for adolescents to experiment with various means, such as sex, drugs, and alcohol, as well as exercise, and academia, to sooth their plight. Another means is cutting. Often cutting involves the straight, parallel, mild to severe, incisions to the skin. In addition, words, patterns, and symbols may present. These injuries are commonly located on the outer and inner forearms, biceps, shoulders, and the outer and inner thighs. Cutting has been also known to occur, in even more severe instances, on the hips, in the nooks and crannies of the palms, under the feet, between the fingers and toes, on the breasts, as well as on other genitals for females, and for males. Though cutting is significantly more common in young girls and older women, cutting definitely occurs among clusters of young boys and older men as well. In fact, cutting has become increasingly popular among male youths. Commonly, cutting is an isolative and secretive experience in terms of the action itself, and in concealing the outcome. In general, adolescents hide their more risky behaviours, and, in general, we adults tend not to see the extent of those behaviours. Thus cutting may occur for many months, or years, or may never be discovered. Though few who cut wear their injuries like a badge, most hide their wounds with thin, long-sleeve tops and jeans, even in extreme heat, and insistently avoid shorts, dresses, short-sleeve tops, and the like. More seasoned self-mutilators will knowingly wear shortened clothing to avoid suspicion, and cut on the fewer hidden areas. The point here is to be aware of unusual behaviour and potential warning signs, and not to assume self-mutilation when faced with fashion choices we simply do not understand or we outright dislike. Self-mutilation or cutting may occur with almost any implement, for example, kitchen knives, forks, pocket knives, scissors, razor blades, glass, paperclips, paperclip removers, nails, keys, box cutters, bottle openers, barbwire fencing, thorny bushes, open canned-food lids, nail clippers, paint peelers, and the like. The list is essentially endless. It is impossible to eliminate all items that may be used for cutting; however, one may take note of implements that are oddly located, stained with dried blood, missing, and so on. In addition, note whether plasters, tape, bandages, cloths, gauze, and/or disinfectants, are empty frequently, or inexplicably. Furthermore, note whether blood-stained clothing is placed in the wash, even within, or under other clothes; and/or whether clothes have ‘disappeared’ at a highly unorthodox pace. Those clothes may have had dried blood on them, and so, discarded. The reasons behind cutting as a means of coping or self-soothing are far too vast to explore in-depth here, however, briefly, most cutters tend to self-harm to anesthetise, ‘zone-out’, distract from, or numb feelings, such as despair, helplessness, self-hatred, emptiness, frustration, rage, hopelessness, regret, guilt, shame, and so on. In contrast, cutting also may be used in order to shift from a state of numbness to a place of feeling, such as feeling in control, free, special, accepted, joyous (usually from an endorphin or adrenalin rush), powerful, focused, calm, relieved, and so on. Though this is a general description in understanding self-mutilation, it is important that the individual cutter become aware of their idiosyncratic reasons for doing what they do. Despite the myth, once an adolescent has found cutting as a means of coping or self-soothing, it is generally quite difficult to just simply stop the behaviour, and relapses or re-occurrences are expected, even in treatment. The hope is to reduce the frequency and severity of the cutting over time until it becomes needless and purposeless. Use the analogy of an alcoholic and his or her alcohol to grasp the difficulty involved. In that, it is always important to keep a complete and unexpired first aid kit regardless of whether cutting occurs or not. It is important that adolescents are approached calmly and gently when engaged by his or her worried, panicked, frustrated, confused, angry, and/or saddened parent or caregiver, upon questioning, or discovery, of any cutting or self-mutilating behaviours. As stated earlier, adolescents tend to not fully disclose their thoughts, feelings, and behaviours to their caregivers. As such, adolescents who are unable to talk about, or even articulate, their cutting to their parents or caregivers, should be referred to their nearest or most trusted healthcare professional, such as a psychiatrist and/or psychologist. In more severe instances, visits and/or admission to the nearest medical or psychiatric hospital or treatment facility may be most opportune. In that, though cutting itself differs from an actual suicide attempt, accidental death may occur in certain circumstances, and in a few severe instances, suicide attempts may co-occur. It is then better to err on the side of caution, than avoid, dismiss, or ignore. In terms of understanding cutting better, two excellent books to read are Marliee Strong’s (1998) A Bright Red Scream: Self-Mutilation and the Language of Pain; and Steven Levenkron’s (1998) Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation.

Parenting Hub

ADHD?

“There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good she was very, very good, And when she was bad She was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.” This is quote from the British Satirical Magazine, Private Eye. Amusing maybe but also very sad, and makes me wonder how often a perfectly normal child is diagnosed with ADHD. Ritalin Deficiency? ADHD is characterized by impulsive behavior, inability to concentrate, short attention span, ease of distraction, and hyperactivity. The number-one drug used to treat ADHD is Ritalin, a central nervous system stimulant. Is it possible we are breeding a new generation of children who are Ritalin deficient? Highly unlikely. Try this theory rather: ADHD is caused by the food that children of this generation are putting into their mouths. How do we expect a child to have normal behaviour if he is fed refined grains, sugars, processed foods loaded with chemicals, juices and fizzy drinks? Then add to that 90 percent fewer vegetables than required along with an overabundance of omega-6 fats and a virtual lack of omega-3 fats. Fish oil does it again A study by the University of Adelaide in Australia found that fish oil improves the symptoms of ADHD more effectively than drugs like Ritalin and Concerta and without any of the side effects. When 130 children between the ages of 7 and 12 with ADHD were given fish oil capsules daily, behaviour dramatically improved within three months. Furthermore, after seven months, the children were not as restless and showed improvements at school in concentration and attention, reading abilities and vocabulary. When the researchers compared their results to studies of Ritalin and Concerta for ADHD, they found that fish oils were more effective. This poses the question: “Why treat millions of ADHD kids with drugs more powerful than cocaine when a simple food change is far more effective?” – I leave that one for you to think about. The Cleverness Capsule The Daily Mail reported the following on 10 May 2005: “Jamie Oliver may be responsible for revolutionising school dinners, but now it seems one simple change to children’s diet could not only boost their brain power but also make them better behaved.  A major new study found that adaily dose of fish oil supplements had a dramatic effect on the abilities of underachieving children in Durham.” Apart from the fact that parents reported a significant improvement in their behaviour, after just three months on the fish oils, they were reading at18 monthsabove their age.In addition, most of the pupils showed a 10 – 20% improvement in memory. The supplement was also given to children without behavioural or learning difficulties and in some of these cases a dramatic and even immediate effect was reported. Numerous studies Numerous studies conducted in all parts of the world on the effect of supplementing with Omega-3 from fish oils have shown similar results leaving a strong suggestion that some children with developmental problems, including ADHD and dyslexia, can benefit from taking omega-3 supplements. And no adverse effects have been reported to date. Researchers believe that fish oil works via effects on brain function. You simply cannot have a healthy functioning brain in a child that is not given the proper ingredients to develop optimal brain function. What else is needed? If you have a child with learning or behavioural difficulties, before you allow him or her to be labeled ADHD and placed on Ritalin, it may be worth giving fish oil a chance. However this will need to go hand-in–hand with a healthy diet and a good multivitamin and mineral supplement. All the fish oil in the world is not going to help a child who is still being fed junk food.

Parenting Hub

The Slippery Slope of Girls’ Friendships

Years ago, after I’d had my second son, I remember a friend (who had girls) saying to me that I was lucky to have boys, as when they’re teenagers, they’re a lot easier to handle than girls! Now that my boys are in their adolescent years (well, one is almost there) I realise there is some truth to that statement. Why, you may ask? Well, because of girls’ friendships. I have a niece who went through absolute hell for two years – she confessed to me years later that she actually contemplated suicide – and another who is going through a really difficult time right now. Why are girls’ friendships such a minefield? Girls appear to have a strict social hierarchy based on what society tells us is “ideal femininity”. Girls police each other on who is breaking the laws of appearance, clothing, interest in boys and personality. Up to about the age of ten (although it’s getting younger and younger), this isn’t a big issue, but when puberty begins to bud, it becomes more and more important to conform to these ideals. In a rather interesting theory by two professors of zoology at the University of Cambridge, it is suggested that females of a variety of species use passive aggressive or indirect tactics to thin out sexual competition. In their article published in the Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B, they postulate that females evolved to use a lower risk form of breeding aggression by forming exclusionary social groups or “cliques” and generally being mean to females they see as a sexual threat. Sound familiar? How does this affect girls’ behaviour? Girls are really hard on themselves and on each other. They constantly compare themselves to each other and to the totally unrealistic female ideals they see portrayed in the media. If they don’t match up (which is unlikely), they may feel down about themselves. During adolescence the need for acceptance and approval by peers is paramount. If they are socially rejected, it may lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms like eating disorders, cutting, drug/alcohol abuse or risky sexual behaviour. Girls should know what defines a healthy friendship and when to get out of a toxic friendship. Healthy friendships include qualities like mutual respect, trust, honesty, support, fairness/equality, separate identities and good communication. In unhealthy friendships, girls may be controlled, criticised and coerced into conforming to group standards they may not necessarily agree with. They should be able to differentiate between popular girls who are liked because they’re nice people, powerful girls who may be “popular” because they’re intimidating rather than likeable, and good leaders – who are able to recognise the value of individual girls who work as a team and are respectful and supportive of each other. Envy and jealousy are rampant diseases in girl culture, encouraged by social media platforms. Since society decrees that girls should be good and well behaved, these feelings lie hidden and fester inside them. There is a hidden culture of aggressiveness in girls, depicted in many teen movies including “Mean Girls” and written about in books such as “Reviving Ophelia”, “Queen Bees and Wannabes” and “Odd Girl Out”. Girls form exclusionary social cliques, and some – like the “Queen Bee” and her Court – are skilled at putting down, excluding and being nasty to girls who are perceived to be threatening. They weaken others’ friendships, thereby strengthening their own power and influence. This behaviour is known as Relational aggression (intentionally hurting someone by harming their relationships to others) and it’s prevalent in girl culture. It includes things like eye rolling, ignoring, building alliances, “bad” teasing and put-downs, spreading rumours and gossip, forming exclusive cliques and cyber bullying. It starts in about Grade 5 or 6 and peaks in Grade 8, at the beginning of high school. Fortunately, it tends to decrease later in high school as girls mature, their friendships become more stabilised and they learn to interact and support each other. Relational aggressive behaviour is usually surreptitious and flies under the radar of parents and teachers. Many times, the perpetrators are “popular” girls who have quite a following – a.k.a. “Queen Bees”. Targets often don’t understand what they did to cause the behaviour and take on some of the blame. As adults, we don’t always understand how devastating it can be for a young girl to have to deal with this kind of social rejection. Targets may feel totally alone and isolated. Many of these incidents are caused by misunderstandings or assumptions in turn caused by girls’ fear of direct conflict and possible isolation. Witnesses (bystanders) to this kind of relational aggressiveness are extremely important as they have the power to either enable the bullying to continue or stop it in its tracks by confronting the bully/bullies about their mean behaviour. What can targets do about it?  Girls have to learn the art of direct communication and know that disagreements and confrontation in friendships are normal and healthy. Just like with other bullying, instead of keeping the pain of relational bullying or a breaking friendship to themselves, targets need to talk about it – to other friends and to adults who can offer advice and help them move on. They need to accept that although it is awful to go through, it is part of girl culture. They have to learn to be resilient and build up their self esteem again by keeping busy, pursuing their own unique talents and interests that make them feel happy and good about themselves and starting to make new, healthier and affirming friendships.

Parenting Hub

Are you raising a brat?

Every child is born a loving , gentle individual and every child is prone to bratty behavior at some phase of childhood.  For those parents who are unsure if your child is going through a phase or has simply become a brat, here are some tell tale signs to help you identify if you are raising a brat …… Crying or yelling – your child may resort to crying or yelling when they want something. This could be because they may not possess an inside voice or be able to convey a request without yelling, which often result in the slightest of issues like eating supper or bedtime become a crying or yelling match. This however does not mean that they are becoming a brat… it is important however to teach your child vocalize correctly when they are wanting something. Tantrums – Children are all masters at throwing tantrums, leaving no place nor person spared from the effects of a tantrum.  At first glance it could appear that your child is throwing a temper tantrum, however there are times when they are simply having a meltdown and this is very different. A temper tantrum is thrown because your child feels the need to control a situation or to use it as a power play to get what they want. A meltdown, is a tantrum thrown, when your child feels overwhelmed by their emotions, environment or sensations around them. These meltdowns safe guard your child and are the manifestation of uncertainty and fear. In both cases, these need to be addressed and handled with care. Often times when a parent fails to acknowledge the temper tantrum the child will resort to different means of communicating what their “wants” are and is important that you as the parent explain to the child that their behaviour is unacceptable. When your child has a melt-down it is important to acknowledge their feelings or anxiety at the time and help resolve the true matter at hand. Physical violence – Punishment and not giving in to demands will be seen by your child as opposition and they will lash out by means of hitting, punching, pushing, kicking, biting or throwing items. Your child may have learnt that by causing physical pain others will result in them achieving their desired result.  We as parents, must address this issue at the time that it occurs and ensure that the child knows that their behaviour is not acceptable. More often than not, these sorts of behaviour are picked up by those around him either within the home or at school. Ignoring commands – Child who will ignore or “tune out” when spoken to. These children often refuse to comply with the request or command you have given them.  These children may find themselves in trouble at school often, this behaviour occurs most when the parents are around. This occurs because the child knows that they can “play up” and the parent will react in the manner the child wants. Rude and ill mannered – Children who are rude to adults and even to other children, combined with the displaying of bad manners and speaking with disrespect to other. It is important to remember that your child did not suddenly wake up one morning speaking this way, this is skill that your child has learnt through the behaviour that has been observed around him. Children learn by example and those who are around people, who treat with respect and talk within a decent tone to others, in order to achieve their goals, often don’t find themselves in these sorts of situations. Non -sharing – Children who refuse to share with others, this can be for toys, food or attention often can become hoarders and will go so far as to snatch items from others. Sharing is an important skill for your child to learn. It is vital that your child understands that although they will be sharing a particular item or attention that the item remains their own. This is often brought on by insecurity that your child is feeling within their world. By explaining the process of “what happens next”, once they have handed the toy over to their playmate reduces the chances of your child developing a problem with sharing.  It is also important to note that your child will need reminders about sharing and that this skill does take some time to develop. Not obeying rules– Children who believe that they are right and entitled to what they want at all times.  These children do not see the need to conform to the families rules and often this later becomes societies rules. Your child will test your boundaries at some point or another. By you and your partner working as a team to show your child that the rules of the house are important you can rectify this behaviour. More often than not children will begin to conform if no other behaviour is accepted within the household. Children are constantly learning in the early phases of life. This means that by displaying the correct behaviour that you would like your child to exhibit, will often result in the angel that you always dreamt of having.  Do not underestimate the power of friends influencing from a young age and try to ensure that your child is spending time with the right people from a young age. This will ensure that fewer bad decisions are made later in the teen years when it comes to them picking their friends.      

Parenting Hub

A Teacher Breaks Through to Tough Teens

On a recent episode of my public access television show, I interviewed Mr. Dan Blanchard, an author and speaker on motivating teens. He’s also a school teacher in one Connecticut’s largest inner-city high schools. Mr. Blanchard is the author of’ the book, “Granddaddy’s Secrets,” a teen leadership book series that defines the importance of one generation passing wisdom to the next. During my interview with Dan Blanchard, I asked him for some advice for parents who are having a tough time getting through to their own teenagers. Here is what he said: “There’s no one easy way to do it. I’ve had parents come to me in parent teacher conferences or pull me to the side to talk. I’ve seen the frustration in their faces for years and years. They say things like, “My kid won’t listen to me. I tell my kid something and he does the opposite. It goes in one ear and comes out the other.” So one of the things I try to tell them is to just relax. I tell them that believe it or not, they’re getting it. They’re hearing you; their just acting like they’re not hearing you.” “Therefore, the worst thing the parent could do is to give up and worse, go into a combat mode. You can’t go into ‘combative mode’ with your teen; you have to stay in the ‘love mode.’ You have to just keep giving them your messages over and over again, calmly, even though maybe it feels like it’s been a million times that you’ve given them that same message. Do your best to keep giving it to them with warmth and love and know that at some point, they’re going to say, “Remember when you said ‘such and such’?” I can’t count how many times I’ve been a witness to that.” To summarize all of what Mr. Blanchard’s had to say, I listed his point here as a summary: Pass wisdom on to your kids and teens through storytelling. Your teens must reject you as part of their normal development; don’t take it personal. Continue conveying your messages to your teen, even if they don’t seem to be listening. Convey those messages with calmness and love; avoid getting combative with them. Establish a nonnegotiable homework time each day, Sunday – Thursday PM. Be ready to give them homework if they rarely seem to come home with any; have them read a book or magazine article and write a review. Parents should remove distractions (such as the Internet) during homework time. Use kindness and encouragement with tough teens. Write them encouraging notes. Teens need to know how much you care, even though they act like they don’t. Dan Blanchard has done his homework. He’s been an inner-city school teacher and athletic coach for 20 years and has a passion for teaching, inspiring, and working with teens. As an award winning author, speaker, and educator, Dan shares real-life lessons and inspiring stories with audiences of teens, adults, educators, and sometimes a mixture of all three. His goal is to positively influence the way we think about what is possible, regardless of how old we are. Visit his website: GranddaddysSecrets.com.

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