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Advice from the experts

Getting Kids to do Chores

Do your kids whine and moan about having to help you around the house or yard? Does it seem like pulling teeth to get them to do the smallest of tasks? And if you do assign them some household chore, do they avoid doing it until you are yelling and doling out punishments? If you’re finding yourself in this situation way too often, let me offer some advice. When you think back to your own childhood, you probably hated the thought of having to do your chores too. Why? Because many parents ruled with the “iron hand” of autocracy to ensure that you did what you were told. Most parents today have replaced that unhealthy approach to parenting with more democratic means for raising their children. The bottom line is that when you remove fear from rearing children, you leave room for opinions, feelings, and resistance; all things that get in the way of efficiency. So how do you get kids to do their chores? If you’re using more respectful and democratic parenting methods at home like I am, then the secret is to extend that style of parenting to chores. This means setting things up in advance, incorporating their opinions and ideas, and establishing verbal and written agreements. It also means using respect to get them to follow through when they fall short. As part of your next weekly or bimonthly family meeting, establish the list of chores the grownups will do and ask everyone to help construct a list of all the other chores that need to be done. Listen to your children’s and teen’s ideas on how and when these chores will get done. Draft a schedule that everyone agrees to and consider getting everyone to sign it. If any of your children are extremely resistant and uncooperative, postpone the discussion until the next meeting. Chore assignments will be more effective when you have a unanimous agreement by all family members. It’s also equally important that all chores have an assigned date, time, and schedule for completion. There should be no question as to when it should be done and what the finished job looks like. I cannot emphasise enough the importance of using very specific parameters when getting kids to complete tasks. And most importantly, you do not have an agreement with a child until they utter the words of the entire agreement! Whenever you notice that someone did not complete an assigned and agreed upon chore, commit to NOT coaxing, reminding, or scolding. In fact, do not speak at all! Simply find that child in question and placing your hand on his or her back, gently and lovingly guide them to the location of the chore that wasn’t completed. If they resist and fight your guidance, then something in your relationship with that child needs to be addressed before this follow-up method will work. Finally, I’m often asked at what age a child is old enough to help with chores. My suggestion is that children as young as preschoolers can do some chores, but of course, the task assigned to them must be age and ability appropriate. Getting children this young to cooperate with chores and tasks requires that the assignments be few, simple, easy to do, and implemented with lots of fun, excitement, and praise when successfully completed.

June 15, 2014

Five Ways of Turning Your Husband into a GREAT Dad

Father’s Day is here and many spouses or partners are probably trying to come up with some unique ideas for helping to make their kids and step kids’ dad feel special this weekend. My own kids will be here for a picnic and my wife will do another fantastic job of orchestrating another great day for me. But there is more to helping a father feel like a great dad than cake, new tools and gourmet burgers on the grill. It requires some relationship techniques that any partner or spouse can master to make any caring father an awesome dad. In turn it will contribute to a stronger and more loving relationship between you and him. Here are 5 things for turning your husband into a great dad: Praise Him Privately. If you don’t feel that he’s sharing parenting duties with you fairly, it could be that he’s not feeling encouraged enough to step up to the plate. Commit to giving him lots of encouragement away from the kids, even if he makes mistakes. If you notice that he’s not handling a situation very well, avoid the urge to run in and take over. Go for a walk and let it go. Things will work out on their own. Correcting him in front of the kids or forcing them to pick a favorite parent are not good ideas. Speak Respectfully in His Absence. It’s normal for the kids to complain about one parent to the other. Commit to always speaking respectfully when he’s not around. Encourage the kids to bring up their complaint directly to him or bring them together to talk and you facilitate. Don’t take sides, even if their dad behaved badly, but definitely let them talk about what happened and how it made them feel. Also avoid joining in on husband-bashing conversations when out with girlfriends. It could get back to him or at the very least, it will fuel you’re negative feelings about your relationship with him. Men and Women Show Love Differently. If he demonstrates his love for the kids differently than you, don’t instantly try and convert him. A woman I know complained that her husband didn’t show her any love, yet he would always clean the snow and ice off of her car before he left for work each morning. Just because his means of loving the kids doesn’t look exactly like yours, doesn’t mean he should be corrected or changed. Read the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman for more help on this topic. Find Out How He Was Parented. Many adults recreate the way they were parented in their own families. Talk to his parents to learn more about the style of parenting they used when he was a boy. If you were each raised differently, take a parenting class or read a parenting book together to learn new methods. Some men don’t like to read self-help books but they might listen to an audio version in the car. Be ready to be vulnerable to learning new methods yourself and avoid thinking your way is the only way. Focus on Your Parenting Skills, Not His. Finally, if your attempts to get him to step up to the ‘parenting plate’ have been futile, remain steadfast in being a good, positive parent yourself anyway. If you’re able to obtain successful results with the kids, he is likely to see them and wonder how you did it. This may be enough to make him curious to want to join in. Be kind and supportive of him as your husband and a father. As my grandmother use to say, “You’ll attract more bees with honey, not vinegar,” meaning, you’ll get more of what you want with kindness and not bitterness.

June 12, 2014

Constructive Criticism that doesn’t Damage Self-Esteem

I was reading an article recently that said that most children at pre-school level have a very high self-esteem compared to only about 30% who still felt this by the end of Primary School. There are a number of things that we can do to safeguard against this loss of confidence such as having a high self-esteem ourselves, allowing for mistakes, not comparing our kids to each other and being present for them, but the one I’d like to point out is the need to watch the way in which we criticize. We all need to correct our children at some point, and it is important to do this in such a way that they still feel loved and valued. Part of this is to continually reiterate that they are not their behavior – if something needs to be corrected, it is the behavior that is problematic and not them. Another useful tip is to use the feedback sandwich. A feedback sandwich means that we begin with a compliment or some form of positive feedback, then move on to the thing or behavior that needs to be modified, the criticism itself, and then end with another positive reinforcement. For example… I am really impressed with the effort you have put into your schoolwork this term (positive feedback) AND I think that even though you really need to put in a bit of extra time on your maths (criticism), that if you keep working this well you are going to ace this year (positive feedback). Please note the use of the word AND rather than BUT. When you say something and then add a BUT to it, your child will disregard the entire first part of the sentence as untrue. You will notice that this kind of criticism leaves the child feeling good rather than feeling terrible and wanting to give up. Please keep in mind that the positive feedback must be genuine – it shows that you have really noticed something that they are doing or are doing well and that you’re not just making something up to make them feel better. And remember to compliment your children at other times too – let’s put as much effort into catching them doing things right as we do into catching them doing things wrong!

June 8, 2014

Parenting Mistakes You Don’t Know You’re Making!

Have you ever though about the underlying messages that your children pick up from the things you’re doing or saying? We experienced this with my 6-year-old one weekend when we were away with friends. She approached my husband and asked him, “Daddy, why do you love those people more than me?” He was, of course, shocked and said that of course he didn’t’, to which she replied, “Then why do you spend all your time with them?” Children are making all sorts of assumptions based on our behavior, and these hidden messages that you don’t know you’re giving off directly affect their self-image, confidence and later success in life. Imagine that you are in a restaurant with your little one and he blows bubbles in his milkshake (as all children do) a little too hard, spilling it all over the table and your new bag. As you freak out – “Arrrgh, what a mess, you’ve ruined my new bag, why did you have to do that?!”, could there possibly be a hidden message that the bag is more important than him? Or that it’s not ok to make mistakes? Do we really want our kids growing up afraid to make mistakes? Isn’t fearlessness and the ability to take action and recover quickly from mistakes the mark of a successful person? And aren’t people ALWAYS more important than things? Or perhaps imagine yourself on the phone to Telkom for a neverending issue that you’re having with your ADSL (I think we can all relate). As you scream and swear and generally lose the plot, what do you think your child is learning about the worth of other people? About how to handle challenging situations? About what constitutes something worth getting worked up about? About our ability as human beings to remain peaceful within regardless of what is going on around us? How you spend your time, your reactions to little daily occurrences, these are the things that your children are watching and learning from, not the things that you consciously lecture them about over dinner. What are they learning from you? You’ll be surprised how much they pick up on – even when you think they’re not watching or listening. Little sponges, remember! So remember, the best lessons that your children get from you are all from how you live your own life. In other words, be the change you want to see in your kids.

June 8, 2014

Empower your Child with Healthy Thinking Habits

How many of us teach our child to read, the times tables, how to ride a bicycle, cooking skills or manners? As parents we are constantly teaching, sometimes without even realising it. While children learn and absorb all that is being taught there is one common denominator that is being used. The Brain. Our thoughts are a soup of all sensory experiences reaching from today back to our formative years. For most of us, children included, memories and emotions from all different time frames pop up in our minds at random moments without explanation. This subconscious part of our brain is dominant when our minds drift, we daydream or perform actions on auto pilot. How often doesn’t that happen? 95% of the time. This can be distractive as well as destructive. So how can the youth take charge of their mind, their body and their life? Constructive training of the mind. When we learn something new we are in a heightened state of awareness, by repetition our conscious and alert mind steps back, yawns, and says “Been there done that” and so the automatic subconscious takes the front seat. The subconscious area of our brain, the holder of habits, is where all of our automatic responses arise from. Thus through repetition of constructive exercises the subconscious will ensure healthy reactions. For example, if a child repeats daily affirmations focused on current values, when posed with a challenge the automatic response will be, without thinking, ‘Yes I can’ rather than ‘No, I can’t’. During my creative work with thousands of drama students between ages four and eighteen years, along with my continuing experience as a full time mom I have found the following practices really work: Affirmations – “I am … “ (fill in the gaps with what the individual would like to enhance, the emphasis being on detail). Eg: instead of “I am clever”, rather “I am in control of my mind, I can easily understand maths sums”. Let the child write their own affirmation about what is important to them as this will empower them and assist them to remember it and repeat it daily. Breathing – Shortness of breath can add to high emotions and unclear thoughts. This brain refresher should be used throughout the day when needed: Breathe in deeply and slowly, fill your lungs completely and exhale completely, breathing slowly. Listening – Quieten the mind by listening like a sponge. For a period of ten minutes ask your child to not think of responses while some one else is talking, just listen. This encourages the child to be present in the moment and really absorb the information that is being relayed. Visualising – This tool uses the mind to assist in problem solving or reaching a specific goal. Target a specific area that the child wishes to change and/or improve. Create a scene that solves the problem or reaches the goal. The more details the better. The child should visualise the scene with eyes closed for at least five minutes. The more it is practiced the more effective it will be. Thought Control – A child tends to verbalise thoughts as they occur so it is easy to hear thought patterns. Monitor this and if the child is bashing the self down instead of building the self up stop him/her immediately. Explain, for example: “You can’t expect to win the prize for english if you keep judging and criticising your work”. Encourage and remind the child to stop a negative thought as it happens and replace it with an affirmation. Have your child make and place cards around the house as a reminder of the above. By regularly following these few easy steps you will give your child the gift of leading a fulfilled life through mature self-confidence, determination and inspiration. Dr Wayne Dyer, an American psychologist and international best seller of “When you change your thoughts, you change your life”, says: “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”.

May 31, 2014

The Magic of Melatonin

Is it really so easy? – Just give my child a magic pill? I wish I could create a magic formula that would make children sleep better at night. Imagine! You just sprinkle them with this magic fairy dust and they will happily travel to la-la land… Believe me, individuals (and companies in it for the big bucks) are continually trying: Just bathe your baby in these special salts Just feed your baby this special Night-Night baby food Just put on this light during the night Just switch on this special CD Just wrap them in this special blanket I’ve heard it all before… in fact, I tried most of this on my own child when he wasn’t sleeping. And while some studies have shown that melatonin can be helpful with autistic children or children with ADHD most babies and children do not need melatonin; they need to be taught good, independent sleep skills (which, unfortunately for us you can’t find in a magic formula. It takes hard work). Here is the scary part: because melatonin is contained naturally in some foods, the US Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act of 1994 allows it to be sold as a dietary supplement which does not need to be approved by the Food and Drug administration. This means that although Melatonin could possibly affect growth, sexual development and puberty and cause side effects like headaches, drowsiness and stomach aches it is not tested because it is seen as a “natural” “homeopathic” type medicine. (Gasp here!!!) But what is really alarming these days is the number of clients we work with that are giving their children sedative medication or a Melatonin supplement. The sad truth is that Melatonin is definitely not a long term solution for your child’s sleep problems. Do we really want to give our children something of which we can’t prove the side effects, of which we don’t know the long term effects and which cannot be proven to solve the underlying problem anyway? Consider that when we are born we have the most Melatonin in our bodies that we will ever have during our lifetime as it does get less as we grow older. So is this drug really the answer to our problems! My opinion? A resounding no! To read more about Melatonin and what it does click here

May 22, 2014

10 Steps to Tantrum-Free Shopping

I’ve just spent most of the weekend at a busy shopping centre (luckily without my kids) observing the general weekend chaos of parents and kids doing the weekly shop. This is a stressful experience for most – both kids and parents alike, so here they are – the Golden Rules for a peaceful shopping experience… Shop without your kids. Too obvious? Really, if you can (and I know there are times when you can’t which is why there are another 9 rules) leave the kids behind. Do the shopping when they’re at school, or leave them with your partner, your mother, a friend or child-minder. Shopping is quicker and a whole lot easier without attachments!! Shop at quieter times. Shopping centres can be very overwhelming with all the lights, loud noises and people. Try to do your shopping at times when the centre will be quieter, like during the week or early in the morning on the weekend. Keep it short. I find that I am exhausted after an hour or two of shopping, so imagine what it is like for your kids. Keep your shopping trips short and focused. Make a list. And stick to it. This makes the shopping quicker, and you can also explain to the kids before you go that you are only buying what’s on your list. Then the answer to every “Can I have this?” is – “Well, is it on the list?” Make a wish list for your child. Have a little notebook and pen that you keep in your bag and every time they want something tell them it’ll be added to their wish list. In this way you don’t have to buy everything they want, but they know they have been heard and acknowledged and that it is normal to want things. And, when birthday times come, you already know what they would like! Make sure your kids are not hungry, thirsty or tired. Even adults get cranky when they haven’t eaten or slept well, so do your shopping after nap-time, feed them before you go, and take healthy snacks and water along on the trip. Take some entertainment along. Kids sitting in trolleys get bored. Take a book, toy or colouring-in materials along and let them entertain themselves. Give your child an important job to do. If they’re old enough you can get them to push the trolley (some shops have mini trolleys for kids so that they can have their own one), or they could be in charge of crossing things off on the list, or counting the items in the trolley, or spotting an important item that you mustn’t forget. Let them know how much they’re helping you. Have fun! How can you expect them to enjoy the shopping if you aren’t? Race the trolley, play “I spy”, chat to them, and find ways to make it an enjoyable shared experience. Expect cooperation. Children are naturally cooperative – they want to please their parents and do the right thing. So if they’re not doing this, know that something has gone awry and stay calm enough to figure out what it is. Are they tired, hungry, bored, frustrated, feeling ignored, not feeling needed, uncertain of what to expect or how long it will take…? Take a few deep breaths, slow down, and figure out what is going on before it escalates. Shopping is a part of our lives, not something that must be rushed through so that we can get back to living. And it doesn’t have to be stressful. Slow down, and find ways to make it an enjoyable part of the time you spend with your children.

May 16, 2014

Children Need to Run Wild and Free

Many parents have fond childhood memories of playing in the street with friends, roller-skating and riding bikes until the street light came on, with parents often not even knowing how far down the street the children had roamed. Things like building a neighbourhood fort, or going over for a swim at the neighbours were some of the many activities children could indulge in when they were young. However, as we are all aware, times have changed. The need to be vigilant against hijackings, robberies, child abductions, inconsiderate road users and bullies means we now make ‘playdates’ for our kids, and don’t let them out of our sight for a second. Riding bikes in the road is only permitted if there is strict supervision, and as busy parents we tend to rather shove in a DVD and tell them to be quiet. Whilst this will most likely mean most of us will never have to experience the tragedy of losing a child, it also means a sad loss of a really meaningful childhood for our children. They will not learn life’s lessons in the same way we did – falling out of trees or having to stand up against that bully. They will most likely learn these from watching the telly. It is for this very reason that Zoe Ellender founded Sugar Bay Luxury Holiday Resort for Kids & Teens, on the north coast of KwaZulu Natal. Zoe believed that in order to grow independent, responsible young adults, children need the space to be able to participate in great adventures, make friends from around the world, learn to flex their wings in a safe environment, and experience the holiday of a lifetime. The birth of Sugar Bay gave campers these privileges. Now children return home from Sugar Bay having met children from around the world, from different walks of life, having participated in activities that have challenged them physically, as well as mentally. Children also feel comfortable expressing their emotions in this safe and non-threatening, non-judgemental environment with the emotional support of their counsellors, who become like their older sibling for the duration of camp. The challenge for parents is to allow their children these opportunities to grow and develop without tightening the restraints, but rather granting them the freedom to develop into well rounded individuals. Holiday camps offer parents peace of mind so that they can let their children go, knowing that they will be having a fantastic time in a safe and fun environment.

May 16, 2014

Decorating your Child’s Room

Decorating a child’s room can be exciting and fun. You don’t have to be an interior decorator to come up with great ideas for the bedroom… My son’s room has evolved from soft cream and blue to a stone and navy blue colour with accessories in green because green is his absolute favourite colour. My daughter’s room was pink and white and is still pink and white with some purple because those are still her best colours. The bedroom should reflect your child’s personality, with you hopefully bringing in some of the good taste. If you are decorating your child’s room, then I have 8 tips on how to do it… Speak with your child – This is one room that your child is going to love to spend time in and entertain their friends too, so ask them what their likes and dislikes are. Take into account what fairy tales or cartoon characters they like, what their favourite colour is and the type of activities they enjoy. Work all of their interests into a design that is going to make them feel happy, comfortable and safe. Go for a fun theme – Allow your child to select the design theme. The choices are endless. Here are just a few: firehouse fun room, starry night, angels, rainbows, unicorns, sports, princesses and castles, underwater scenery, outer space, racing cars, planes and helicopters, trains, jungle motifs, wizards and dragons, and dinosaurs. Add colour and texture with wallpaper or paint – With wallpaper or paint, you can add texture and colour to the room. Simple wall decorations can also brighten up your child’s room. You can paint the room with bright colours to give it a fresh, new look but you should limit any strong colour to only one wall. For example, paint one wall fire-engine red and the others a soft peach or pink. Use wallpaper to add interest and texture. You can apply decorative borders along the walls like stripes or characters, and clouds or stars on the ceiling. Make it so that the room is multi-functional – Children use their bedroom for many other activities besides just sleeping. Therefore, it should consist of different zones. You could have a space to play and a music area. Also, create a comfort zone area in the room, for cuddling up and reading. Think about using big pillows, plush or inflatable chairs, anything your child might enjoy to sit on and relax in. Storage should be priority – Containing that clutter in the kid’s bedroom is going to be one of your biggest challenges. Try large decorating wicker baskets, plastic see- through containers, book shelves and cupboards with lots of shelves. The right lighting is important – For the bedroom, it is important that you choose the right lighting. This should include a lamp that is used for reading and homework. If you can, try and put a dimmer switch on the overhead lights to create a more soothing mood. Other lighting effects kids enjoy include disco lights, rows of flowers with light effects, and glow in the dark items. Accessorise – Fun accessories can also be used to decorate your child’s room. Pom poms, fringe or sequin trim on pillows, blankets, curtains or shelves can be made use of, in decorations. A selection of frames can be displayed in groups with photos, or your child’s artworks displayed inside the frames. You can make use of fun paintings and posters to decorate the kid’s room in a funky way. Balloons also convey a sense of joy and fun in the room. Fluffy throw rugs or shaped rugs can be placed on the floor, to make it look lively. A rug not only makes the room attractive but also gives your child a warm and cosy place to read, colour or play. Stripes that pick up the colours on the wall or the bed also look fun on a rug. Let your child help – As you are decorating the child’s bedroom, allowing your child to help is a good idea. Let them have a say in the fabrics, colours and collectibles that they would like to have in their room. The design should be something that the child likes. Working together on a decorating project is a great bonding opportunity. Children love being involved in making decisions. Research ideas in magazines and on the internet and have fun with it.

May 12, 2014

Rev Up for Reading

How does your child fare with reading? It’s one of the first skills taught at school and has far-reaching consequences throughout your child’s life. In simple terms, literacy is the ability to read and write as well as understand and analyse the written word. Susan du Plessis, Director of Educational Programs at Edublox Reading and Learning Clinic, says that the implications of a child struggling to read is a serious one — a poor reader is inevitably a poor learner. The PIRLS study conducted in 2006 compared the reading abilities of children in 40 countries. South African readers were placed last. Of the Grade 4 learners tested, only 13% reached the lowest benchmark, compared with 94% internationally. Stats like this are cause for concern. The benefits of healthy reading stretch far beyond the classroom. So why is reading such a crucial skill in a modern age? Reading builds vocabulary Reading will help your child learn new words and build his vocabulary. Children also learn better language skills as they read — from sentence structure and good grammar, to new words not encountered in the child’s immediate surroundings. Reading also helps children to learn how stories are structured and the more kids read, the better writers they become. Many subjects, especially in high school, require written essays where good writers can obtain better marks. Reading improves concentration and aids relaxation Taking time out to read can help your child learn to concentrate better and focus on one task. Modern kids are so bombarded with sound, light and movement from electronic gadgets, that reading is actually relaxing for the brain. Readers are better spellers SMS language or ‘text talk’ — where 8 is ate and y is why — is contributing to a generation of poor spellers. Reading and spelling form a two-way street — each aids the other. In the higher grades, marks are deducted for spelling errors, so better spelling means better marks. In business, poor spelling is unprofessional… and before you hit spell check, remember, it’s never completely accurate! Reading can be a social activity Parents and caregivers can make reading to a younger child a special daily bonding time. Book clubs or library story time bring children from all walks of life together. They learn listening skills and then have an opportunity to articulate what they have heard and give their own opinions on the story with their peers. Words are building blocks — even in technology Many people believed that the birth of the Internet spelt the death of the written word, but the reality is that words and reading have become an even bigger part of our lives. Words are building blocks that are required in all walks of life — from writing a letter to a friend, to a slide presentation viewed by hundreds of people at a business conference. Being able to read and write is essential for communication in our technological age — just think of the number of e-mails sent around the world every day. Digital devices have an important role to play in our children’s lives but parents should also encourage kids to read print books. Digital does have some advantages over print (it’s interactive and helps to develop hand-eye co-ordination), but holding a book and turning pages is a tactile experience for children. They also tend to concentrate more on reading the actual words and understanding the story than anticipating what clicking on the next icon will bring. Reading is key in education and enrichment While reading is crucial for learning and achieving throughout the school career and into university, reading can also enrich a child’s life outside of the classroom. Avid readers often have an excellent general knowledge. Reading is a brain exercise — the more you do it the better you get!

May 11, 2014

How a bespoke Last Will & Testament will save your business

Take a moment. ….Now take a deep breathe. Imagine that was your last. Nightmare! You can’t imagine anything worse, right? Wrong! Now imagine this night terror… You’re unprepared for death. Everything you’ve spent your life working so hard for, your business, your immortal legacy, your white Pickett fenced home, your precious children and your loyal Labrador are all wasted away in the hands of the South African default system and the taxman. If you do not have a Last Will & Testament (“Will”) in place, this is the detrimental reality your empire and your loved ones face. If you have a template “google” version of a Will, be cautioned that that is potentially more hazardous than not having a Will in place at all. Entrepreneurs and business owners are often concerned with limiting business risk. In order to do so it is vital to engage in an estate planning exercise which ensures that your business interests and your empire are given mechanisms to survive your death, whether it be that your business interest is inherited by a family member or your business co-owners are given a mechanism to pay your business interest over to your loved ones. Failing to do so is likely to result in major losses and the crashing of an empire. It is imperative to have a bespoke Will drafted by a professional who, through their vast knowledge of the law, is able to tailor the most suitable estate planning mechanisms which give effect to your intention … and a little less for the taxman. What to put in your will… Your voice and instruction, enforceable by law, as to the division of your assets (your business in it’s entirety, the house, the car, investments, the special ring you want your daughter to have). i.e “who gets what”. As a business owner a valid will allows you to leave an immortal legacy. Often sole trader and partnership run businesses are left in a detrimental situation on the passing of a key player. The business is abandoned, only to later be sold for well under market value, by an executor with no relevant business experience or who isn’t given sufficient powers in order to protect your business interests during the winding up process. Powers granted to your executor in terms of your Will. As well as mechanisms to ensure your loved ones are protected against your enterprise’s debt liabilities. A business owner will always have debt liabilities from which your loved ones need to be protected; In practice, we often see many a business having to be liquidated or sold just to cover taxes payable. There is a dire need to minimize tax and estate duty payable whether through the creation of separate business and personal asset trusts, or otherwise. There are options available to every circumstance and every lifestyle to sidestep many of the financially detrimental consequences of your passing away. It is your benefit to make use of these. As a parent of minor children, the appointment of the desired and most compatible guardians for your children. Leaving the appointment of the caretakers and the future of your children, where you are not here to safeguard them, should not be left in the hands of a Court or a distant relative you haven’t seen (or liked) in years. An Executor who will be responsible for winding up your estate and manage your affairs as if he or she had set foot in your shoes. Bear in mind that the executor is entitled to remuneration of 3,5% of your gross assets and 6% of any cash value of your estate. Value which rightfully belongs to your family, not a financial institution. For this reason we advise our clients to nominate a family member as executor who is then able to appoint professional agents to assist in the winding up process for a mutually agreeable fee. A Testamentary Trust– it’s structure and inner workings to assist you in “asset protection, estate duty savings, dilution of income tax and the protection of beneficiaries such as minor children and/or incapacitated” heirs. Means for the maintenance of your dependent heirs are similarly put into place in this way. What makes a will valid… Validity hinges on a number of formalities which include:- signing within a certain measurement of the text at the end of the Will as possible, signing in the presence of at least 2 witnesses over the age of 16 and of sound mind, requirements to be met where a testator (or testatrix) is only able to sign by making a mark or otherwise, effecting valid amendments and formatting formalities. Please note that is by no means an exhaustive list Lack of compliance with these formalities has resulted in the Master’s Office rejecting Wills, leaving families deprived and having to resort to financially and emotionally costly High Court litigation. When not to use a free DIY online template… “Using a DIY will is like pulling out your own tooth with a pair of pliers instead of going to the dentist” A bespoke Will is an affordable investment for your estate as well as your heirs. Special Offer… As a ParentingHub affiliate, MBI is offering you a 30% discount on all Estate Planning services which include drafting a Last Will & Testament, liquidity determination and strategy. Valid until end of February 2015. For a Free, no obligation, consultation to ensure your families future is taken care of, give our dedicated team at MBI Attorneys a call on:- Chantelle Martins Beverley Brown [email protected] [email protected] 082 837 1358 082 573 9680 “Planning is bringing the future into the present so that you can do something about it now”.

April 29, 2014

Dyslexia Symptoms and Signs: How to Recognize Dyslexia

“Deer momee and dadee I bo not wont to do to shool eny more becouse the children ar lafing at me. I canot reed pleese help me your sun david” David is not a dunce. In fact, according to the evaluations of a few professionals, he is rather intelligent. Yet he certainly has a problem, and he shares his problem with millions of other children and adults. David is dyslexic. The term “dyslexia” was introduced in 1884 by the German ophthalmologist, R. Berlin. He coined it from the Greek words dys meaning ill or difficult and lexis meaning word, and used it to describe a specific disturbance of reading in the absence of pathological conditions in the visual organs. In a later publication, in 1887, Berlin stated that dyslexia, “presuming right handedness,” is caused by a left-sided cerebral lesion. He spoke of “word-blindness” and detailed his observations with six patients with brain lesions who had full command over verbal communications but had lost the ability to read. In the century to follow the narrow definition Berlin attached to the term dyslexia would broaden. Today the term dyslexia is frequently used to refer to a “normal” child — or adult — who seems much brighter than what his reading and written work suggest. While the term is mostly used to describe a severe reading problem, there has been little agreement in the literature or in practice concerning the definition of severe or the specific distinguishing characteristics that differentiate dyslexia from other reading problems. Instead of getting involved in the wrangling over a definition, one could simply use the “symptoms” below as an indication that a child has a reading problem and therefore needs help. DIRECTIONAL CONFUSION Directional confusion may take a number of forms, from being uncertain of which is left and right to being unable to read a map accurately, says Dr. Beve Hornsby in her book Overcoming Dyslexia. A child should know his left and right by the age of five, and be able to distinguish someone else’s by the age of seven. Directional confusion affects other concepts such as up and down, top and bottom, compass directions, keeping one’s place when playing games, being able to copy the gym teacher’s movements when he is facing you, and so on. As many as eight out of ten severely dyslexic children have directional confusion. The percentage is lower for those with a mild condition, she says. Directional confusion is the reason for reversing of letters, whole words or numbers, or for so-called mirror writing. The following symptoms indicate directional confusion: The dyslexic may reverse letters like b and d, or p and q, either when reading or writing. He may invert letters, reading or writing n as u, m as w, d as q, p as b, f as t. He may read or write words like no for on, rat for tar, won for now, saw for was. He may read or write 17 for 71. He may mirror write letters, numbers and words. SEQUENCING DIFFICULTIES Many dyslexics have trouble with sequencing, i.e. perceiving something in sequence and also remembering the sequence. Naturally this will affect their ability to read and spell correctly. After all, every word consists of letters in a specific sequence. In order to read one has to perceive the letters in sequence, and also remember what word is represented by the sequence of letters in question. By simply changing the sequence of the letters in name, it can become mean or amen. The following are a few of the dyslexia symptoms that indicate sequencing difficulties: When reading, the dyslexic may put letters in the wrong order, reading felt as left, act as cat, reserve as reverse, expect as except. He may put syllables in the wrong order, reading animal as ‘aminal’, enemy as ’emeny’. He may put words in the wrong order, reading are there for there are. The dyslexic may write letters in the wrong order, spelling Simon as ‘Siomn’, time as ‘tiem’, child as ‘chidl’. He may omit letters, i.e. reading or writing cat for cart, wet for went, sing for string. Dyslexics may also have trouble remembering the order of the alphabet, strings of numbers, for example telephone numbers, the months of a year, the seasons, and events in the day. Younger children may also find it hard to remember the days of the week. Some are unable to repeat longer words orally without getting the syllables in the wrong order, for example words like preliminary and statistical. DIFFICULTIES WITH THE LITTLE WORDS A frequent comment made by parents of children struggling with their reading is, “He is so careless, he gets the big difficult words, but keeps making silly mistakes on all the little ones.” Certainly, the poor reader gets stuck on difficult words, but many do seem to make things worse by making mistakes on simple words they should be able to manage — like ‘if’, ‘to’, ‘and’. The following are indications of problems with the little words: Misreads little words, such as a for and, the for a, from for for, then for there, were for with. Omits or reads twice little words like the, and, but, in. Adds little words which do not appear in the text. It is important to note that this is extremely common, and not a sign that a child is particularly careless or lazy. LATE TALKING Research has revealed a dramatic link between the abnormal development of spoken language and learning disabilities such as dyslexia. The following are just a few examples: A study in 1970 of Doctor Renate Valtin of Germany, based on one hundred pairs of dyslexic and normal children, found indications of backwardness in speech development and a greater frequency of speech disturbances among dyslexics than among normal children. According to Doctor Beve Hornsby, author of Overcoming Dyslexia, about 60 percent of dyslexics were late talkers. In her book Learning Disabilities, author Janet Lerner states, “language problems of one

April 27, 2014

Are You Spending Too Much Time Fighting Fires?

We can take two approaches to anything that we dedicate ourselves to maintain in our lives: proactive steps to avoid emergencies and reactive steps to handle the emergency when it occurs. Let’s examine our health. The proactive steps, or what I call preventive measures, are exercising regularly, implementing smart eating habits, and getting regular check-ups with our primary care physician. When we don’t do this on a regular basis, we risk a health-related emergency that could cause us to have to take reactive actions, or what I call firefighting measures — drastic means to bring our health back or to just stay alive. In our world of finance, we know that we should be using preventive measures by making regular deposits in our various financial accounts, paying our creditors regularly, and keeping a watchful eye on our credit. When we let it all slip and a financial emergency occurs, we must react with a fire fighting solution to find more money, seek financial assistance, or sell our possessions. We could not exist in this world without our relationships. We need others to care for us, to love us, to work for and with us, and to help us achieve our objectives and goals. Preventive maintenance of our relationships means checking in with people, providing things for others, letting them know we care, mentoring, and so on. But, when we get too busy and don’t use the preventive measures that keep us connected, we may see emergency situations occur in our relationships such as backbiting, avoidance, sabotage, or abandonment of the relationship. This could require firefighting actions to save the relationship such as making amends and apologies to others, or finding replacements and having to start over. Have you noticed that the actions are different? Preventive discipline action items are completely different from firefighting discipline action items. The actions you would take as preventive measures on your car, such as regular oil changes, tune-ups, and gasoline fill-ups, are not the same actions you would take to implement firefighting measures if it stopped running. Understanding and using this preventive vs. firefighting approach to anything in life, results in action plans for preventive management. This reduces the chances of more costly and difficult firefighting actions required to save or repair what we have. Raising and disciplining children requires the same approach. Firefighting discipline methods are actions a parent takes when the child is misbehaving and uncooperative. At this point, we are at our wits’ end, ready to call for help, send our kids to the zoo, or find a parenting class. Preventive discipline methods are actions a parent takes the rest of the time; when the children are NOT misbehaving. It is difficult because it requires proactive measures when the kids are behaving well. Usually when our children are cooperative and calm, we use this time to avoid disturbing them and to get things done. But the fact is, if we spend more time using preventive discipline methods, we’ll spend less time using firefighting methods.

April 16, 2014

Cognitive Skills Determine Learning Ability

Research has shown that cognitive skills are a determining factor of an individual’s learning ability. Cognitive skills are mental skills that are used in the process of acquiring knowledge; according to Oxfordlearning.com the skills that “separate the good learners from the so-so learners.” In essence, when cognitive skills are strong, learning is fast and easy. When cognitive skills are weak, learning becomes a struggle. Many children become frustrated and find schoolwork difficult because they do not have the cognitive skills required to process information properly. Many employees find themselves stuck in dead-end jobs that do not tap into their true vocational potential due to weak cognitive skills. In the later years of life, a lack of cognitive skills — poor concentration, the inability to focus, and memory loss — is a common problem that accompanies us. It should be noted that, irrespective of age, cognitive skills can be improved with the right training. Weak cognitive skills can be strengthened, and normal cognitive skills can be enhanced to increase ease and performance in learning. The following cognitive skills are the most important: Concentration Concentration is the ability to focus the attention on one single thought or subject, excluding everything else from the field of awareness. It is one of the most important abilities one should possess, as nothing great can be achieved without it. Students need to concentrate and focus on completing a homework assignment, a project, or review for a test in order to excel in school, learn the subject, and get good grades. Athletes need to concentrate on performance, execution, and strategy in order to do their best and overcome their opponent. Entrepreneurs need to concentrate on all the factors involved in starting a new business and promoting their product or service. They need to do this in order to get their idea off the ground and make their enterprise into a profitable entity. Business leaders need to concentrate on their company mission, vision, and strategies, as well as the work at hand, in order to stay ahead of their competitors. Workers need to concentrate on their jobs and fulfilling their supervisor’s goals, in order to complete projects and advance in their careers. Improving the ability to concentrate allows a person to avoid the problems, embarrassment, and difficulties that occur when the mind wanders. Better concentration makes studying easier and speeds up comprehension. It enables one to take advantage of the social and business opportunities that arise when individuals are fully attuned to the world around them. It helps one to focus on one’s goals and achieve them more easily. Perception Sensation is the pickup of information by our sensory receptors, for example the eyes, ears, skin, nostrils, and tongue. In vision, sensation occurs as rays of light are collected by the two eyes and focused on the retina. In hearing, sensation occurs as waves of pulsating air are collected by the outer ear and transmitted through the bones of the middle ear to the cochlear nerve. Perception, on the other hand, is the interpretation of what is sensed. The physical events transmitted to the retina may be interpreted as a particular color, pattern, or shape. The physical events picked up by the ear may be interpreted as musical sounds, a human voice, noise, and so forth. Lack of experience may cause a person to misinterpret what he has sensed. In other words, perception represents our apprehension of a present situation in terms of our past experiences, or, as stated by the philosopher Immanuel Kant (1724-1804): “We see things not as they are but as we are.” Deficits in visual perception can hinder a person’s ability to make sense of information received through the eyes, while deficits in auditory perception interferes with an individual’s ability to analyze or make sense of information received through the ears. A classic example of a deficit in visual perception is the child who confuses letters such as b, d, p and q. Many adults find their reading speed to be inadequate as a result of underlying perceptual deficits. By improving accuracy and speed of perception, one is able to absorb and process information accurately and quickly. Reading speed will also improve and reading problems can be overcome. Memory Memory is probably the most important of all cognitive functions. Roughly speaking, the sensory register concerns memories that last no more than about a second or two. If a line of print were flashed at you very rapidly, say, for one-tenth of a second, all the letters you can visualize for a brief moment after that presentation constitute the sensory register. When you are trying to recall a telephone number that was heard a few seconds earlier, the name of a person who has just been introduced, or the substance of the remarks just made by a teacher in class, you are calling on short-term memory, or working memory. This lasts from a few seconds to a minute; the exact amount of time may vary somewhat. You need this kind of memory to retain ideas and thoughts as you work on problems. In writing a letter, for example, you must be able to keep the last sentence in mind as you compose the next. To solve an arithmetic problem like (3 X 3) + (4 X 2) in your head, you need to keep the intermediate results in mind (i.e., 3 X 3 = 9) to be able to solve the entire problem. A poor short-term memory may lead to difficulties in processing, understanding and organization. By improving one’s short-term memory, one is better able to process, understand and organize incoming information. Long-term memory is the ability to store information and later retrieve it, and lasts from a minute or so to weeks or even years. From long-term memory you can recall general information about the world that you learned on previous occasions, memory for specific past experiences, specific rules previously learned, and the like. Research has shown that, on average, within 24 hours

April 13, 2014

Reading Comprehension Problems

Reading comprehension is the heart and goal of reading, since the purpose of all reading is to gather meaning from the printed page. If a student says words in a passage without gathering their meaning, one would hesitate to call that reading. By age six to seven children should be sensitive to such characteristics of stories as the main character, sequence of events, inferences, the motives and feelings of characters, and sentence order. As they get older, children should be more efficient at recognizing and recalling facts, recognizing and inferring main themes and relationships, drawing conclusions, making judgments and generalizations, predicting outcomes, applying what has been learned, and following directions. The comprehension goals of the intermediate grades address these abilities as well as those required for independent study: skimming, using reference materials, outlining, summarizing, altering reading rate and focus as the purpose of reading changes, use of headings, note taking, and so on. For many learning-disabled students, reading comprehension is a major problem. There are mainly three causes for poor reading comprehension: 1.) The person has a language problem: Language plays a vital role in reading. Its role in reading can be compared to the role of running in the game of soccer or ice-skating in the game of ice hockey. One cannot play soccer if one cannot run, and one cannot play ice hockey if one cannot skate. One cannot read a book in a language unless one knows that particular language. If a child’s knowledge of English is poor, then his reading will also be poor, and naturally also his reading comprehension. 2.) The foundational skills of reading have not been automatized: When a person attempts to speak a language in which he has not become automatic yet, he will necessarily have to divide his attention between the content of his message and the language itself. He will therefore speak haltingly and with great difficulty. As Yap and Van der Leij explained in the Journal of Learning Disabilities, “if the skill on the primary task is automatized, it will not be disrupted by concurrent processing on the secondary task because automatic processing does not take up attentional resources. If, on the contrary, the skill is not automatized, it will be disrupted by concurrent processing of a second skill because two skills are then competing for limited attentional resources.” This also applies to the act of reading. The person, in whom the foundational skills of reading have not yet become automatic, will read haltingly and with great difficulty. The poor reader is forced to apply all his concentration to word recognition, and therefore has “no concentration left” to decode the written word, and as a result he will not be able to read with comprehension. 3.) The reader is unable to decode the written word: The decoding of the written word is a very important aspect of the reading act. Without being able to decode the written word, reading comprehension is impossible. This explains why some children can “read” without understanding what they are reading. To decode the written word the reader must be able to integrate what he is reading with his foreknowledge. Foreknowledge can be defined as the range of one’s existing knowledge and past experiences. If one reads something that cannot directly be connected to or tied in with knowledge that one already possesses, one cannot decode or decipher the contents of the message. As Harris et al. state in Learning Disabilities: Nature, Theory, and Treatment, “What a child gets from a book will often be determined by what the child brings to the book.” A decoding skill that is closely related to that of integration is classification. When a person sees a chair, although he may never have seen a chair exactly like this one, he will nevertheless immediately recognize it as a chair, because he is familiar with the class of objects we call “chair.” This implies that, whenever a name is ascribed to an object, it is thereby put into a specific class of objects, i.e. it is classified. The Gestalt principle of closure means that the mind is able to derive meaning from objects or pictures that are not perceived in full. W- -re s-re th-t y– w-ll b- -ble to und-rsta-d th-s s-ntenc-, although more than 25 percent of the letters have been omitted. The mind is quite able to bridge the gaps that were left in the sentence. The idea of closure is, however, more than just seeing parts of a word and amplifying them. It also entails the amplification of the author’s message. No author can put all his thoughts into words. This stresses the importance of foreknowledge. If it were possible for an author to put everything related to the subject he is dealing with on paper, the possession of foreknowledge would not have been necessary. That, however, is impossible, as an author can at most present a very limited cross-section of reality and the reader must be able to expand on this before comprehension becomes possible. Poetry is a good example of the importance of foreknowledge. Any person, who is unfamiliar with the Arthurian legend, will probably derive little meaning from a reading of Morte d’Arthur by Alfred Lord Tennyson. Lastly, imagination plays a role in decoding. It is doubtful whether a person really understands something unless he is able to think about it in terms of pictures. When we read, the words and thoughts comprising the message call up images in our mind’s eye. If this does not occur, the message will not make any sense. If you read or hear a sentence in an unfamiliar language, it will not make any sense to you, simply because none of the words will call up any pictures in your mind’s eye. This ability plays a very important role in the decoding of the written word. Furthermore, by using one’s imagination while reading, one’s emotions can be addressed during the reading act.

April 7, 2014

Happy Parent, Happy Child

Two pianos were sitting next to each other in a room. A person sitting at one piano pressed one key, causing a tone to fill the air. Instantly, the string responsible for creating the same tone on the OTHER piano began to vibrate. This isn’t the start of a joke, but an experiment that has been tested by physics experts. The tone created by the first piano is a wave of vibrations that are absorbed by the strings on the other piano. The one string on that other piano capable of producing the same tone that filled the air, responds by amplifying its own vibration. People behave in a similar manner as pianos. When one person enters a room expressing emotion, it is quite likely that one or more other persons in that room are likely to instantly take on that emotion. Has this ever happened to you; your significant other or child began to express an intensified level of joy, excitement, worry, fear or anger, and before you realized it, you too were feeling a similar sense of that same emotion? We are emotional creatures and we are each capable of taking on the emotion of someone we care about. A close friend stops by with sad news and instantly we feel sad. Our child arrives home announcing ecstatically that she’s won an award and we too are now feeling great joy. Our significant other wakes up in a bad mood and we seem to absorb those vibrations, suddenly becoming moody ourselves. The parents I work with complain to me about their children; the kids won’t cooperate, they scream “NO” at their parents, they talk back, they have frequent meltdowns, and they won’t help out, just to name a few of the common challenges. Some of the common causes of these types of frustrating behaviors are created by the parents, and include: a lack of consistency in rules, little or no boundaries, talking too much, too many outside activities for the kids to keep up with, too much ‘screen time,’ and not enough parent/child connection time. But one of the biggest causes is a lack of peace and calmness in the adults who care for the children. Like the pianos, parents who have not been taking good care of themselves transmit negative frequencies to their families and then wonder why they aren’t getting the level of cooperation and peacefulness they desire. If you want peaceful children, you must first become a peaceful parent. When I prescribe this solution to some parents however, I’m quickly met with resistance. I hear comments such as, “When I can afford a nanny or a housekeeper, then I can become more calm and peaceful.” I remember the challenge myself; employed full-time, working hard to maintain a peaceful home, and raising three young children who liked to fight and challenge me every step of the way. I realized that it was my responsibility to do whatever it took to learn how to calm myself and to take better care of me. I quickly discovered that during weeks when I made time to take care of myself physically, spiritually, socially, and emotionally, it became easier for me to know how to handle situations at home and my children became easier to care for. So what will YOU do this week to take better care of you? Start by giving yourself permission to MAKE the time and follow through.

April 3, 2014

Feeling Guilty? Think Again

When I was homeschooling my son, I was concerned that he was spending too much time with me. I worried that his protected bubble was too calm, easy and slow-paced. Now that he is going to school, I ask myself if he needs more of his own space; maybe he isn’t getting adequate family time; is his world too rushed for such a young being. What else, I wonder, can I do to be a better parent? Parents naturally focus on their children and want the best for them. This is normal and understandable. However, too much fussing and worrying about the wrong reasons, can cause unnecessary distress for both parent and child. There are times when we need to ‘let go’ and allow moments and experiences to unfold as they are meant to, without our interference. Take my friend, for instance, who was visiting daycare centres for her toddler and came across one with video cameras linked to a site on the internet, allowing parents to have constant viewing access of their child. In the end, she decided not to send her child there. She knew that she would be glued to her screen, looking to see if her child is being looked after properly, criticising the caregivers and feeling bad that her child is not with her. Sometimes, a parents worry can arise from guilt, guilt of not doing enough or giving enough. What is enough? Are we determining what our offspring need according to what we instinctively feel or know is appropriate for them, or are we in the trap of behaving in a certain manner to adhere to social expectancies, peer pressure or societies judgements? Human behaviour specialist, Dr. John Demartini says, “Negative self talk gives you feedback that you are living according to others”. And when this happens we need to realign ourselves to live according to our purpose. In his course, ‘The Breakthrough Experience’, Dr. Demartini explains how to neutralise the feelings of guilt and shame by looking for it’s benefits. Every situation has a positive and negative and as much as we may at first deny it, we will eventually realise, when we dig deep, that there is an upside to even difficult situations. Now that my son is at school I spend most of my time writing. At first I felt guilty. I was so used to being with him, guiding him and supporting him. What if he needs me, what if the teacher doesn’t understand him, what if… These games of ‘What if’ can really consume ones time, thoughts and energy. Funny thing is; it’s all in our head; based on our perception. So I decided to work on balancing my perception. There is power in writing, so I wrote down twenty reasons why my work is helping our family. When I started to see the benefits of what I was doing and how it was serving my child, my partner and our home, the atmosphere changed. By accepting myself and honouring the value in my daily actions, those around me soon awakened to this as well. I never said anything to my family about this process but a few days later my son casually commented, “I’m so glad that you are working again and writing so much. I like to see that”. My heart soared. The benefits of acknowledging ourselves as worthy parents is an imperative part of child rearing. If we want our sons and daughters to grow to become adults with self-worth, confidence, respect and dreams, then we need to start within ourselves. No matter how much time or money we do, or do not, give our children, what is important is the quality of each moment. Thus, it is the presence of the adults along with their balanced emotions that will provide a nurturing, stable environment, which in turn gives the brain an opportunity to maximise its development, and the physical body too. Proudly Sponsored by Helen Hansen Connect with Helen Hansen Via Her Website

March 31, 2014

What is Cognitive Behavioural Coaching and how can it help your child?

The new buzzword in almost any community is Life Coaching. If you do not have a life coach, then there must be “something wrong”. But what is it about having a life coach that is creating such hype? I guess it would be the basic premise of psychodynamic psychology, namely, having an objective opinion guiding you through life’s ups and downs. But in this case you may as well ring up your best friend, its easier and cheaper. So I delved and dug around a little and in jolly old London I came across a new form of life coaching that your best friend certainly can’t help you with and I could not ignore. Three quarters of the children I have met are medicated. The anxiety and depression levels are at an all time high. When I was in school I had never heard of the term anxiety, and now nearly every child is talking about panic attacks and O.C.D. Children in my experience do not like to see “psychologists” in the classic sense of the word. However children see coaches all the time, netball coaches, cricket coaches, and soccer coaches to name a few. So why not take your child to a Cognitive coach? The effects are mind blowing: the children are excited. The teachers are excited, but more than anyone the parents are excited. Someone to actually help guide his or her children. But not just guide them; teach them actual skills to handle actual problems. What is Cognitive Behavioural Coaching? This is not classic coaching or individualised therapy; this is a hybrid approach that adopts a Cognitive Behavioural methodology to modify perceptions and emotions with the goal of transforming behavioural output for the betterment of the individual. It will enable the control of emotions, thoughts and self defeating beliefs that will lead to the promotion of flexible techniques to handle any stress or pressure that is inflicted on the people of today. It aims to enhance feelings of wellbeing and to equip individuals with the tools necessary to handle present problems and future challenges by taking control of their thoughts and thus control of their emotions, behaviours and life. When is Cognitive Behavioural Coaching Effective? Cognitive behavioural coaching is generally short-term and concentrated on helping clients deal with a very specific problem. During the course of treatment, people learn how to identify and change negative or distressing thought patterns that have a negative influence on behaviour. CBC is commonly used to handle a wide range of disorders including phobias, addiction, depression and anxiety. It is a new methodology based on research and it may just be the answer parents have been so desperately seeking

March 8, 2014

What happens when you can’t sound out a word?

“Help Mom, I am stuck on this word?” What is your first reaction, “just sound it out”. Good advice? Actually, not that good. Sounding it out is not always the best strategy for figuring out a word. Learning to read individual words is hard work and not always as easy as parents may think. There are words that a child can memorize: these are called sight words. But there are a whole lot more words that children have to decode or figure out. So what should a parent do when their child comes across a word he doesn’t know or may have seen it once or twice but has not committed to memory yet? Tell them to sound it out, NOT ALWAYS. I am not saying phonics is not useful. It is imperative that children know their letters and the sounds they make, but as a strategy or way to figure out unfamiliar words it doesn’t always work. I suggest you read on and see how many more strategies you can try use to help your child attack those tricky words. Here are some more useful word attack strategies: Picture clues – ‘look at the picture; it will help you figure out this tricky word.’ Beginning Sounds – look at the first letter together, ‘do you know that letter, do you know a word that starts with that letter, what sound does it make’? Chunking – ‘can you find a small word in this big word?’ Let’s read that small word. Cover the first part of the word, read, cover the last part of the word and read. Now put the words together and read’ Context – Use the meaning of the sentence to try figure out the unfamiliar word, e.g. “Peter is reading the ……. Answer: book”. Let your child predict or ‘guess’ the word ‘book’ based on the context of the sentence. Helpful Hint: build vocabulary to maximize this strategy. Stretching the word – ‘use your finger as you try read the word. Look at it slowly’ Rhyming – ‘this word is tricky but it does rhyme with another word on this page. Can you read this word (parent points to other rhyming word), well done, now swop the first letter and read the other word. They rhyme, well done, can you hear the rhyme.’ Go over the rhyming set together to practice. Use the squiggles around the words as clues (Literacy conventions = question mark and capital letters) e.g. if there is a question mark at the end of the sentence, the unfamiliar word could be ‘what’ ‘where’ ‘how’ ‘when’ or ‘why’; if there is a capital letter in the middle of the sentence the unfamiliar word could be a name of a person/place ) Miss it out and come back – ‘this word is tricky, leave it out for now and keep on reading. Come back to this tricky word once you have finished reading the sentence.’ Ask someone – do not let your child struggle too much, encourage him to ask for HELP if he can’t figure it out. Helpful Hint: It takes practice to use these strategies, so give help as it is required, however, instead of just giving the answer straight away model a strategy your child can use and read it together using this strategy. As children gain confidence they will use a strategy on their own next time. Keep a balance of you helping your child and your child helping himself! It needs to sense – ‘Did that sentence make sense?’ Repeat the sentence to your child using his mistake let him tell you which word doesn’t sound right. ‘As you read this time listen to your words and make sure they make sense’. Helpful Hint: this is a fairly advanced strategy, comes with lots of practice. Keep modeling it as the fluent reader. Try these out; you will be surprised as to how well they work. I call it giving your kid a READING TOOLBOX. Best thing you can do for your beginner reader. Actually it’s the second best thing, the BEST THING you can do for your beginner reader is read to/with or him every day.

February 25, 2014

Responsibility comes with practice

Chewing gum with mouths wide open, speaking on cell phones loudly in public places, forgetting to say please or thank you, disrespecting elders and wearing clothing that leaves little to the imagination. Sounds scary when you think that this could be your child one day! Today, there is wide recognition that because of our busy modern lifestyles, children are not given enough opportunity to learn how to be responsible whilst they are young. Before the age of 6, the ability to mould young minds is greatest and laying the foundation for being responsible is the easiest. Building confidence in young children should be a priority as this is the key to being assertive, making good choices and displaying overall positive behaviour. Naturally as a parent, you want your children to learn to feel, think, and act with respect not only for themselves but especially for other people. So how do you teach responsible behaviour to your children? Responsibility or a lack thereof is learnt through the senses and through imitating adults. Especially when they are young, your children learn best about responsibility in concrete situations. The best way to encourage your children to become responsible is for you to use everyday teachable moments which engage them in positive behaviour, which is then rewarded by positive praise. Habits are acquired by doing the same thing over and over again. So, if good attitudes and behaviour are not learned repetitively, problems can arise with bad consequences when they are older. Laying the foundation for responsible living should be done through the consistent repetition of positive behaviour. Sometimes, your child may make mistakes or be cheeky and rude but by giving them unconditional support based on you being their role model will leave them feeling safe and empowered to lead responsible lives.

February 23, 2014

What is the right age for chores?

Parents have many questions about assigning children household chores. As children, some parents were assigned heavy chores, some were paid for them to be done, and others had no prescribed chores. When two adults come together as parents but were raised with differing points of view on chores, they may become confused and unable to agree, and the child suffers. Sometimes, I’m asked, “At what age should children be expected to start doing chores around the house?” Many parents want to begin teaching their children responsibility and are eager to get them started. They are also not sure what are age-appropriate chores for the different age groups? Children should be expected to begin helping around the house whenever they are ready to do so. Regardless of the exact procedures used, parents should create an atmosphere in the family that encourages everyone to clean up after themselves and contribute to an organized home. Also remember to be gentle with your children’s performance while they are learning and not focus too much on perfection. Children who are constantly corrected become discouraged and eventually give up. They many not say “No” to doing their chores but may express it in other ways through their actions.Children 3 to 5 should be introduced to the concept of helping with tasks, not taking on chores, based on the concept of being helpful and encouraging them to feel like important members of the family. But parents shouldn’t expect them to take on consistent responsibilities. Preschoolers are still in a mode of discovery and experimentation for learning. Some suggested tasks for helping are: Pushing in chairs, washing the baby, and carrying the diaper bag. Be careful not to create schedules or routines with them. At first they may want to help to show they are big boys or girls, but can easily become frustrated or overwhelmed and give up. Go easy on them and be patient when they don’t cooperate. At about age 6, children are usually ready to play a bigger role in the family by helping out with official chores. Start with smaller and easy-to-accomplish assignments; putting them on a visual chore chart will help develop routines and habits. Once new chores are mastered, use family meetings to add new ones gradually.

February 23, 2014

14 Days for Loving Your Child

FEB 1: HIDE LOVE NOTES OR SURPRISES – Toddlers to teens love to be surprised. Hide a small valentine, an encouraging note, or a small valentine chocolate somewhere for them to find each day leading up to Valentine’s Day. Get creative and mix it up. You could also leave a note each day in one place that contains clues to helping them find what you’ve hidden. FEB 2: READ A SPECIAL BOOK – Find a child’s illustrated book that sends a message of love and commit to reading it to your children every night, leading up to Valentine’s Day. My favorite is the book LOVE YOU FOREVER by Robert Munsch and illustrated by Sheila McGraw. It sends the message that I’ll always love you unconditionally, no matter how you behave and well into your adult years. FEB 3: PLAN A PARTY – Help your child plan a V-Day party with all of their friends. For one activity at the party, provide a personalized mailbox (or bag) for each child. On blank slips of paper, have each child write down words that describe what they like about each of the other kids, one child per slip of paper. They will deposit them in each others’ mailboxes. FEB 4: BE AFFECTIONATE WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER – Teach your children about love by expressing love for your significant other in front of them. Children who have healthy models of affection around them are likely to recreate in their adulthood what they witnessed as children. When your significant other and you argue or fight in front of the children, be sure and let the kids see the two of you makeup. FEB 5: SCHEDULE A DATE – Schedule a special Valentine date with each of your children. Put it on your calendar and tell your child so they will have something to look forward to. Scheduling in these dates ahead of time ensures they will happen. Then everything else that is less important can fill in around them. Why not schedule a date with your significant other as well? Do this every Sunday night for the week to come. FEB 6: FRAME A PICTURE OF THE TWO OF YOU – Take a picture of you and your child, frame it, and then give it to your child to put in his or her room on the dresser or night table. If you have more than one child, create one for each of them. For an older child, put a picture of the two of you in a locket that the child can wear. This will also help calm a child who feels anxious when being away from the parent. FEB 7: THE ENCOURAGEMENT FEAST – Use the ENCOURAGEMENT FEAST exercise with your family. Each person takes a turn in the center of the circle, facing each person who states one thing they love about the person in the center. Before the person in the center steps back into the circle, they must state one thing they love about them self. Then someone else steps into the circle. See the video FEB 8: GIVE 100% OF YOUR ATTENTION – When your child approaches you to get your attention, stop what you’re doing, get to your child’s eye level, silence your mind-chatter, and remain completely quiet while your child speaks. Nothing feels better to a child (or an adult) who has something to say, than the sense of getting 100% of that adults attention in that moment. FEB 9: MOVIE NIGHT – Have a movie night with your child(ren), complete with big pillows to snuggle up with and a big bowl of popcorn. The one difference in making this night special is that the movie being featured will be the home movies you have of your child(ren)! FEB 10: CRAFT PROJECT– Using a family meeting, have everyone create a craft project that represents love to them. Provide a wide selection of contraction paper and craft supplied and allow your children to create whatever comes to mind. Put the creations on display for everyone to see and enjoy, and photograph them to look at for many year to come. FEB 11- SHARE HOW YOU LOVE YOURSELF– Create teachable moments with your child when they are open to learning, by explain (and demonstrating) what you dod to love yourself. This might be a tough exercise for some, but teaching a child to love himself starts by setting a healthy example they can use. FEB 12- MAILBOXES– In a family meeting have everyone make and decorate a mailbox using any household craft item. On slips of paper, have everyone write short love notes to everyone at the table as a practice run and then insert them in the appropriate mailboxes. Have everyone hang their mailboxes on their bedroom door knobs, for accepting mail whenever someone desires to write a note. FEB 13- FIND OUT WHAT MAKES THEM FEEL LOVED: Ask your child what he likes others to do or for him that makes him feel loved. Dr. Gary Chapman, in his book the five love languages of children, explains how each individual feels loved in different ways; receiving gifts, hearing words of affirmation, acts of kindness, or touch. Ask your child which one makes him feel love. FEB 14: COMPOSE A POEM FOR YOUR CHILD: Compose a poem about your child or describe how much you love her. Print it off on special preprinted paper with a border that can be purchased at office supply stores. Frame it and hang it on your child’s bedroom wall. You could even include the child’s picture or her foot or handprints if you had done them earlier. Sign it and read it to her nightly.

February 3, 2014

10 Parenting Resolutions for the New Year

Become Aware Of Moments Of Frustration Getting frustrated is a part of being human. When your child is not being cooperative or your multiples are engaging in sibling rivalry, it is easy to let your frustration flare up and control your next words or actions. Just once, take notice of a moment of frustration and focus on how it feels. Pause, don’t speak or act. Relax your entire body and allow it to pass before moving forward. See Your Child’s Resistances As A Wake Up Call When your child resists your requests, he may be trying to tell you that he’s had it with your commands and demands. Children crave power and being heard and seen in the family. When they are constantly being ordered around, they begin to resist. He could be trying to tell you that he feels disconnected from you. Use his resistance as a “check in” on the relationship. Have you been spending enough quality time with him, in which you’ve been listening more than talking? Become More Proactive Instead Of Reactive Setting rules and limits in advance is necessary for teaching children about boundaries, respect, and safety. They work best when established in advance respectfully, and engaging your child to help you in creating them motivates her to acknowledge them and follow through. Keeping limits and boundaries in place may require posting them for all to see and reviewing them frequently, but don’t overdo it. Speak Respectfully Of The Child’s Other Parent We all hope our child will grow up to become a person of integrity and they’re more likely to do so if we give them a model to learn from. Whether you’re separated, going through a divorce, or just mad at your spouse, commit to always speaking respectfully about that other parent in the presence of your child. Your child still sees them as their parent, regardless of the issue you may have with that other adult. See Your Child As A Good Child And Not Bad Adults who take my 3-week parenting class quickly learn that their children are not bad. Instead, their children have what’s known as “learned behaviors” that can be difficult to deal with. Some of the behaviors can also be coping skills. A few changes in a parent’s discipline toolbox can make all the difference in the world. Don’t be angry with your child; be patient and kind and open to learning. Catch Your Child Behaving And Acknowledge Them For It We’re so good at noticing and confronting misbehavior, but reinforcing GOOD behavior is far more powerful. Unfortunately, when our children are behaving our attention is allowed to focus on the other stressful things we have to do in our adult life. Slow down and begin looking for appropriate behavior in your children and make a big deal of it. Say to them, “I love it when you play nicely with your sister!” Give Your Child Advance Notices Of A Transition Often Younger children live only in the moment and have great difficulty seeing beyond NOW. Because of that, they don’t transition well without advanced warnings. Visual timers and visual schedules are incredibly effective at helping children to transition because they enable the child to see how much time is passing and the activities that are planned next. Avoid demanding and commanding and use one of these tools. Make More Emotional Deposit Than Withdrawals In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, author Stephen R. Covey urges parents to make more deposits than withdrawals in their children’s emotional bank accounts. The result will be greater cooperation and less misbehavior. Examples of deposits include encouraging words, acts of kindness, and demonstrations of love. What deposits have you made in your children’s EBAs this past month? See A Misbehavior In Your Child As A Desire For Some Need A mother noticed that her little son was drawing on walls and other surfaces more and more. She tried every discipline technique she could but his drawings continued. Finally, she went out and purchased a drawing easel and a colorful set of markers and crayons. The boy began to draw amazing pictures on his easel pad and no longer defaced other surfaces. Take a closer look at behaviors that may actually be needs in disguise. Help Your Child Move Closer Toward Their Purpose In Life Some believe that each of us was placed on this earth by a greater power to achieve some sense of purpose before we leave. Effective parenting means more than just trying to get through each day, but instead, also helping our children to hear the voice inside of them that guides them to find that purpose on schedule. Minimize the “noise” around her so she will hear and follow that voice over her lifetime.

January 8, 2014

How to End Childhood Swearing

There is a tried and true psychological principle that says, “Notice something you don’t like about your child, show some emotion, and the problem is guaranteed to get worse.” Childhood swearing is a good example. Nowhere do we see this phenomenon more evident than when parents hear their little cherub utter one of the dreaded four-letter words. Many parents react with a variety of emotions ranging from shock, to out and out adult temper tantrums complete with threats. A normal child has to witness this parental display with utter fascination. “Wow. Look at my folks now. I haven’t generated this much household excitement in a long time. I know exactly how to push their buttons. Television can’t compete with this!” Many people believe some severe punishment for swearing will put an end to it. However, punishment doesn’t work because the parent’s attention is the ultimate reward. Punishment added to parental exasperation is intoxicating for the average kid. Here are some real-world techniques to end these word battles: 1. Focus on the location of the word instead of the badness of the word. Talk with your kids about situations when these words are and are not acceptable. Consistently react to swearing with, “Is this the right place for that word? Thank you.” Some effective parents say, “How sad. There’s someone in your mirror who enjoys those words. Why don’t you go to your room and have a talk with that person.” 2. Use the Love and Logic® “Energy Drain” technique. “Oh, listening to words like that drains my energy. Give me a little while to think of some ways you can put that energy back in me.” Say these words with the all the appropriate body language of a person who is becoming exhausted. Later say, “I think if you did some of my housework it might restore some of that energy I lost listening to your swearing. Thanks.” This worked for one mom who told me about her 6-year-old son who brought home some bad language from school. She dramatically held her head, sat down, and said, “Energy Drain,” each time he said one of those words. She was unable to do things for him until he had restored her energy by doing some of her chores. His swearing soon faded away. One day as she was driving him to school another driver cut her off. Before she could catch herself, she blasted the other driver with a few choice four-letter words. The moment those words slipped out, she realised her son was in the back seat hearing every word. As she looked in the rearview mirror, she saw his hand go to his head and heard him say, “Energy Drain.” She was shocked. This wise mother stopped the car, looked at her wonderful son, and asked, “Do you think an ice-cream cone would put some energy back in you?” “Maybe,” he sniffed. As they sat in the ice-cream shop he looked at his mom and, with the most drained expression, said, “Mom. You said three bad words. My energy was really drained. I think I’ll feel better after two more ice cream cones.” By Jim Fay

January 1, 2014

Three Myths About the Brain

Brain Myth #1: You only use 10 percent of your brain. The 10 percent myth has been around for a long time. Many people have jumped on the idea, writing books and selling products that claim to harness the power of the other 90 percent. Believers in psychic abilities such as ESP point to it as proof, saying that people with these abilities have tapped into the rest of their brains. It is not certain how this falsehood began, but it has been strengthened over the past century by misinterpretations of neuroscience discoveries and unsubstantiated quotes by both scientists and laypeople alike. The truth is that we use virtually all of our brain every day. Brain scans have shown that no matter what we’re doing, our brains are always active. Some areas are more active at any one time than others, but unless we have brain damage, there is no one part of the brain that is absolutely not functioning. Brain Myth #2: A person’s personality displays a right-brain or left-brain dominance. You’ve heard this before, right? The left hemisphere of the brain is good with logic, math, reasoning, etc. The right hemisphere is artistic, visual and imaginative. This concept is based on work by Roger W. Sperry who studied patients with “split brains” (a severed corpus callosum, the structure that connects the two brain hemispheres). But it’s important to remember that in healthy people the two brain hemispheres are well-connected. The fictional doctor Gregory House called the corpus callosum that joins the hemispheres the “George Washington Bridge” of the brain, and in most of what we do, the hemispheres operate together, sharing information across this bridge. The left-brained/right-brained idea is pop psychology, based on a little fact, and then exaggerated to oversimplify and make an interesting story. The two hemispheres do have slightly different specializations, but they actually work together. “The notion that someone is ‘left-brained’ or ‘right-brained’ is absolute nonsense,” according to a scientist at Scienceblogs.com. “All complex behaviors and cognitive functions require the integrated actions of multiple brain regions in both hemispheres of the brain. All types of information are probably processed in both the left and right hemispheres (perhaps in different ways, so that the processing carried out on one side of the brain complements, rather than substitutes, that being carried out on the other). “There are some functional asymmetries in the brain, and it is true that certain regions of both hemispheres are specialized for particular functions. Speech illustrates this, but also shows that nothing is ever so simple when it comes to the brain: in most right-handed people, speech is processed in both hemispheres, but predominantly in the left. In some left-handers, speech is processed either predominantly in the right hemisphere or on both sides.” Brain Myth #3: Brain damage is always permanent. It used to be believed that each person was born with a finite number of brain cells, so if you damaged any of them you operated on a deficit for the rest of your life. Less than 20 years ago, even major players in the neuroscience community believed that the brain could not generate new cells. Similarly, many scientists believed that the brain was unalterable; once it was “broken,” it could not be fixed. But recent discoveries have convinced most scientists to think differently. Evidence now shows that the brain remains “plastic” throughout life: it can rewire or change itself in response to new learning. Under certain circumstances, the brain can even create new cells through a process called neurogenesis. Many of these newborn cells die shortly after their birth. In fact, more die than survive. To live and become part of the working brain, a new neuron needs not only support from neighboring glial cells and nutrients from blood, but also, and more important, connections with other neurons. Without these connections, neurons wither and die. Research to date suggests that the most active area of neurogenesis is the hippocampus, a region deep within the brain involved in learning and memory. Research has shown that thousands of new cells are produced in the hippocampus each day, although many die within weeks of their birth.

December 17, 2013

10 Ways to Teach Your Children the True Meaning of the Holidays

For the month of December, whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Yule, Pancha Ganapti, Boxing Day, Bodhi Day or some other winter celebration, here are ten things you can do to teach your children the true meaning of the holidays and celebrate with them. BAKE HOLIDAY COOKIES FROM SCRATCH AND DECORATE THEM. A quick search on the Web can dig up all sorts of holiday cookie recipes. Avoid the “easy cookie kits” and allow your child to help you make them from an old-fashioned recipe and decorate them with your holiday’s symbols. CONSTRUCT A UNIQUE ADVENT CALENDAR YOUR CHILDREN WILL LOVE. Children (and teens!) love to open each window of an advent calendar and some can be costly. Hang 24 tiny bags from a garland stretched across a doorway, each containing a small prize or a note hinting at a place hidden somewhere in the house. (see our article on Christmas Crafts for the Whole Family) HOLIDAY CARDS WITH YOUR CHILDREN’S HAND PRINT. Their hands are only going to be small for a short time. Use nontoxic finger paints to allow them to decorate homemade holiday greeting cards and encourage them to use only palm, finger and thumb prints. They will create memorable keepsakes relatives will hang on to for many holidays to come. DECORATE YOUR HOLIDAY’S CENTER WITH YOUR CHILD. Some families have a Christmas tree, candle center piece or tabletop decorated with precision. Consider setting your perfection aside and allowing your children to participate in its decoration or creation. Including your children in decorating will make the holiday remarkable for them for years to come. READ TRADITIONAL HOLIDAY STORIES. Story telling is an oral tradition that dates back to ancient times. Recreate this lost art by reading or telling the traditional stories of the holidays of your heritage or of your family. CULL OUT AND DONATE TOYS. Keeping bedrooms and playrooms organized can be stressful for parents, so decide to reduce the amount of toys you would normally hide under the tree at Christmas or give to your children on January 1st for Kwanzaa. Lead an activity with your children before the holidays to thin out the toys they do have by encouraging them to donate some of their existing toys to a charitable organization that accepts gently used toys for those in need. ADOPT A CHILD NEEDING A GIFT. Many organizations collect requests from low-income parents who are unable to provide gifts for their children for the holidays. They then present these requests (sometimes called the “Family Giving Tree”) at their place of business to allow adults or families to “adopt” a child and purchase an unwrapped gift for them. Have your family adopt one of these children and shop with your children for that adopted child. (You can help by adopting a TrashCanKidz doll, a percentage of the funds go to aiding street children in South Africa or by purchasing a Brain Boosters education set for a child in need) SING HOLIDAY CELEBRATION SONGS AT AN ELDER-CARE FACILITY. There are many elderly adults who reside at elder care facilities who do not have family to spend the holiday with. Consider visiting such a facility to spread holiday cheer or sing carols or other songs to bring the holiday to them. VOLUNTEER AT A SOUP KITCHEN OR FOOD DONATION CENTER. Nothing teaches children empathy around the holidays more than leading them in some sort of service or act of kindness for those less fortunate. Seek out your local soup kitchen or other such facility and volunteer to serve others. BRING A PREPARED MEAL TO AN ELDERLY NEIGHBOUR. If you look around your own neighborhood, you may have an elderly person living on their own who gets few visitors. Have your children participate in preparing a meal and delivering it and serving them in person. We led our children doing such a thing and the act left a lasting memory for all 3 of our children.

December 8, 2013

My Son Wants to Quit an Activity… Should I Force Him to Play?

This was the question I received from a mother who told me that her son suddenly wanted to quit the sports team he was on, right in the middle of the season. She asked me if she should allow him to quit or force him to continue. I suggested that she have him finish out the season by attending the games to support his team, but not force him to play. After sitting on the bench for a few games, he suddenly wanted back on the team. Understanding why your child’s sudden decision is important but is not always easy to figure out. Asking him why may only result in the response “I don’t Know.” A child’s or teen’s sudden desire to quit a team can be a result of a number of things; a peer relationship issue, bullying, a fear of failing, competition, a lack of confidence or sights set on another activity that he or she likes better. It can even be a result of a change in the family dynamics, such as the loss of a parent or other family member, or even divorce. It’s not always best to force a child to participate, but instead, find out what he or she is willing to do within the activity for the remainder of the season. Take notice of when your child is in a great mood and ask open ended questions about the situation to get him or her to open up and talk about it. Give them some space and time to mull it over and avoid drilling them to find out why. One day my tween-age son announced that he wanted to quit the school marching band (he had been playing since third grade and had held first chair for the past few years). He came in, tossed his trumpet in the case into the closet, and declared that he didn’t want to play in the band anymore and marched off. I was not happy about this since we had recently upgraded his trumpet to a much more expensive SILVER trumpet, at his request. I did not respond to his declaration but later that day tried to engage him in conversation about why he had made that decision. His response with full disdain was that the trumpet was a stupid instrument. He then asked if he could get a set of drums. I told him that I was into the silver trumpet for quite a bit of money and because of what I paid out for it, I might be willing to consider buying a different instrument in about two years. That response got him mad. So for the next few days he left for school without taking his trumpet to school. I said nothing about it, but on a few occasions I again tried to engage him in conversation about why he was no longer playing his trumpet. On each of those occasions he offered up a different excuse; the teacher was stupid, the trumpet was dumb, etc. Then, on the last day that he could not bring his trumpet to school without being removed from the band, he took the trumpet to school. I was relieved that he was back playing the trumpet in the school band. What I later found out as the reason for this sudden dislike for an instrument he loved so much, was that he become careless and lost first chair. If I had forced him to bring the trumpet to school, he might have retaliated in other ways and may have never owned up to the real problem. If I had been one of those parents that did go out and buy him the drums, again, he may have been unable to learn what he needed to learn about himself and the consequences of not working hard. Giving children space and time to learn from experiences is key to their emotional development.

November 19, 2013

Are you raising a brat?

Every child is born a loving , gentle individual and every child is prone to bratty behavior at some phase of childhood. For those parents who are unsure if your child is going through a phase or has simply become a brat, here are some tell tale signs to help you identify if you are raising a brat …… Crying or yelling – your child may resort to crying or yelling when they want something. This could be because they may not possess an inside voice or be able to convey a request without yelling, which often result in the slightest of issues like eating supper or bedtime become a crying or yelling match. This however does not mean that they are becoming a brat… it is important however to teach your child vocalize correctly when they are wanting something. Tantrums – Children are all masters at throwing tantrums, leaving no place nor person spared from the effects of a tantrum. At first glance it could appear that your child is throwing a temper tantrum, however there are times when they are simply having a meltdown and this is very different. A temper tantrum is thrown because your child feels the need to control a situation or to use it as a power play to get what they want. A meltdown, is a tantrum thrown, when your child feels overwhelmed by their emotions, environment or sensations around them. These meltdowns safe guard your child and are the manifestation of uncertainty and fear. In both cases, these need to be addressed and handled with care. Often times when a parent fails to acknowledge the temper tantrum the child will resort to different means of communicating what their “wants” are and is important that you as the parent explain to the child that their behaviour is unacceptable. When your child has a melt-down it is important to acknowledge their feelings or anxiety at the time and help resolve the true matter at hand. Physical violence – Punishment and not giving in to demands will be seen by your child as opposition and they will lash out by means of hitting, punching, pushing, kicking, biting or throwing items. Your child may have learnt that by causing physical pain others will result in them achieving their desired result. We as parents, must address this issue at the time that it occurs and ensure that the child knows that their behaviour is not acceptable. More often than not, these sorts of behaviour are picked up by those around him either within the home or at school. Ignoring commands – Child who will ignore or “tune out” when spoken to. These children often refuse to comply with the request or command you have given them. These children may find themselves in trouble at school often, this behaviour occurs most when the parents are around. This occurs because the child knows that they can “play up” and the parent will react in the manner the child wants. Rude and ill mannered – Children who are rude to adults and even to other children, combined with the displaying of bad manners and speaking with disrespect to other. It is important to remember that your child did not suddenly wake up one morning speaking this way, this is skill that your child has learnt through the behaviour that has been observed around him. Children learn by example and those who are around people, who treat with respect and talk within a decent tone to others, in order to achieve their goals, often don’t find themselves in these sorts of situations. Non -sharing – Children who refuse to share with others, this can be for toys, food or attention often can become hoarders and will go so far as to snatch items from others. Sharing is an important skill for your child to learn. It is vital that your child understands that although they will be sharing a particular item or attention that the item remains their own. This is often brought on by insecurity that your child is feeling within their world. By explaining the process of “what happens next”, once they have handed the toy over to their playmate reduces the chances of your child developing a problem with sharing. It is also important to note that your child will need reminders about sharing and that this skill does take some time to develop. Not obeying rules– Children who believe that they are right and entitled to what they want at all times. These children do not see the need to conform to the families rules and often this later becomes societies rules. Your child will test your boundaries at some point or another. By you and your partner working as a team to show your child that the rules of the house are important you can rectify this behaviour. More often than not children will begin to conform if no other behaviour is accepted within the household. Children are constantly learning in the early phases of life. This means that by displaying the correct behaviour that you would like your child to exhibit, will often result in the angel that you always dreamt of having. Do not underestimate the power of friends influencing from a young age and try to ensure that your child is spending time with the right people from a young age. This will ensure that fewer bad decisions are made later in the teen years when it comes to them picking their friends.

November 13, 2013

How is your child sleeping? Give him the gift of a Good Night’s Sleep!

Sleep. We all need it, and we don’t know how important it is until we can’t get enough of it? Are you a mother? Then you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. Can you still remember what it feels like to look into your partner’s eyes? To have time to read a magazine, take a long bath and just generally have a life? Or are you constantly on pyjama drill? Wondering when this “punishment of motherhood” will end. Sleep is vital for all humans to be healthy: it’s when we recharge so we’re at our personal best. Bad sleeping habits it linked to obesity, poor performance, ADHD, car accidents… you name it! If your child isn’t sleeping well, you’re likely not to either and this could be detrimental to your health as well as your child’s! However, if addressed early on, sleep problems can be overcome. The bad news is bad sleepers do not just “grow out of it”. But the good news is there is a lot you can do about it! Here are a few myths about sleep that you need to be aware of: Myth #1 ~ All soothers are good for my child’s sleeping habits. Unfortunately not all soothers (be is dummy’s, taglet blankets, mommy’s fingers, milk) is good for your child’s sleeping habits. It depends on your child’s age and tendency’s, but chances are that he can use some of these to aid him/herself in falling asleep which never teaches him the skill to self sooth. Myth #2 ~ The later I put my child in bed and the more tired he gets during the day, the better he will sleep. Actually it works the other way around. The better rested your child is, and putting him/her to bed at an appropriate bed time, actually makes them sleep better and longer. Myth #3 ~ Some children are just bad sleepers and they will grow out of it eventually. Did you know that studies have shown that adults who tend to have insomnia and bad sleeping habits were actually bad sleepers as children? Sleeping is actually a skill we need to teach our children, just like walking, eating and drinking. Your child will not grow out of it! The earlier you address it the better! Myth #4 ~ I can wait to start teaching my child the skills to sleep when he is older or on solids. The fact of the matter is that we as parents interfere with our children’s healthy development of good sleep cycles. There is so much that we can do better from the day they are born to implement healthy sleep associations and awake-sleep cycles. Myth #5 ~ The only way I can teach my child to self sooth is to leave him to cry-it-out. Teaching your child to self sooth is not just a matter of leaving him to cry. There is so much that you can do as parent to follow a structured sleep plan that will give your child’s this skill. Sleep is influenced by so many things; stimulation, routine, feeding habits, bedtime, health, discipline, and a trained professional can help you to implement changes in your child’s life that learn him the art to self sooth. Remember that crying is your child’s way of protesting change, and not all crying is bad. Myth #6 ~ It is selfish of me to want to have my child sleep through the night. Remember that teaching your child self soothing strategies are not about you! Consolidated, uninterrupted 11/12 hours of sleep is what your child needs. By taking the necessary steps to achieve restful, consolidated sleep for your child you will be giving them a skill they will carry with them throughout their lives. And this is truly a gift.

November 4, 2013

Dealing with an anxious child

At some stage of childhood all children may become anxious or nervous due to new situations , change in routines or simply because of the over stimulation of a world that is far to large and confusing for them to comprehend. These anxieties are often debilitating and leave your child feeling vulnerable and afraid. What is anxiety? Anxiety is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure , fear of not knowing. Never belittle a child’s fears because although there is usually no immediate threat to your child they believe their fears are real. Some signs that your child may be anxious could include any of the following : A child who becomes overly clingy, impulsive, or distracted. New nervous movements ( twitches, excessive hand wringing , blinking) Disturbed sleeping patterns, either not able to sleep or sleeping longer than usual, or nightmares. Sweating hands, dizziness, accelerated heart rate and breathing or the inability to breathe. Feeling nauseous. Complaining of headaches or stomachaches. The most effective way of helping an anxious child is to: Understanding anxiety – Taking the time to recognise and explain your child’s anxieties , allows them to know that anxiety is not a negative emotion. Rather it is our bodies way to safe guard us from what we fear or what may hurt us. Prepare and plan – Always try to be that one step ahead, discuss where you going , what the area looks like, what they need to do. Recently , while on holiday , my 17 year old son who has Aspergers, was asked to pay the parking meter. Totally unsure of the practice he went into anxiety overdrive. Calmly explaining each step to him , the hurdle was overcome and he was quite happy to pay the meter . Encourage with positive words – Positivity and choice of words greatly affect your child’s anxiety. By reinforcing positive statements you not only encourage , reassure but also develop a healthy self esteem. Role play –Role play can be very effective , especially in small children. This allows them to go through the motions of something they have never done and are unsure of what it entails or what role they are to play. Coping techniques – Teaching your child some coping techniques, such as breathing deeply or using a stress ball, ensure that your child knows their emotions have been understood and that they have your support to overcome their fears. It also gives them a control over their fears. Support – Always listen to your child. They are anxious for a reason . Stay at the extra mural , walk them to school, hold their hand a little longer. We are our children’s safety nets and here to guide them through the unknown and fearful. While most children experience relatively mild forms of anxiety, some may suffer from more serious anxiety disorders that require treatment. Always consult your paediatrician if you feel your child’s anxiety may be controlling their day to day functioning.

October 29, 2013

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viewed_cookie_policy	11 months	The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.

Cookie	Duration	Description
_ga	2 years	This cookie is installed by Google Analytics. The cookie is used to calculate visitor, session, campaign data and keep track of site usage for the site's analytics report. The cookies store information anonymously and assign a randomly generated number to identify unique visitors.
_gid	1 day	This cookie is installed by Google Analytics. The cookie is used to store information of how visitors use a website and helps in creating an analytics report of how the website is doing. The data collected including the number visitors, the source where they have come from, and the pages visted in an anonymous form.

Cookie	Duration	Description
_gat_gtag_UA_18530557_4	1 minute	No description
pron_ip	session	No description
pvc_visits[0]	1 day	This cookie is created by post-views-counter. This cookie is used to count the number of visits to a post. It also helps in preventing repeat views of a post by a visitor.
tk_ai	session	Gathers information for WordPress by themselves, first party analytics tool about how WP services are used. A collection of internal metrics for user activity, used to improve user experience.