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Advice from the experts

ADD And ADHD In Adolescence

Adolescence is the period in a child’s life which is filled with much turmoil and changes. Not only are there physical changes (including hormonal) but an emotional shift where the youngster has to grapple with several of the following: Acquiring a feeling of identity (self-identity such as “who am I”; social identity such as “which group/s do I belong” and certainty about his/her own values and ideals “where am I going with my life”). In establishing an identity for themselves, the adolescent phase is characterised by experimentation and rebelliousness, which leads to conflict with parents mostly about authority and decision-making. Being acknowledged by peers as well as being accepted by them (fitting in). Concerns and worries about school, exams and careers after school. Foray into romantic relationships with accompanying insecurities etc. During a youngster’s development from childhood to adolescence it becomes common for the symptom pattern of ADD/ADHD to change, most notably by a decrease in hyperactivity. Nevertheless, difficulties with attention and impulsivity remain. It was thought that ADHD tends to “burn out” by the time children reach adolescence and rarely continues into adulthood, however research suggests that this is not the case. Other difficulties that can appear for an adolescent suffering from ADD/ADHD over and above the usual teen concerns are: Adolescents with ADHD often feel “different” from others and they may become socially isolated, especially if they are impulsive and act before they think without due consideration for the feelings of others. They may also still carry the remnants of a lowered self-esteem developed in childhood as a consequence of ADHD. Remember that children and adolescents that have been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD would have experienced the gamut of difficulties on an academic, social and personal front. Low self-esteem may lead to a teenager refusing medication, avoiding educational or other activities and be more vulnerable to peer pressure in order to fit in. They may also lack motivation as they could have internalised that they are not as competent as their peers. Difficulties with focusing, organizing and long-term planning usually pose a difficulty for the ADHD adolescent as the workload at school increases and becomes more complex. As a result adolescents may have difficulty completing tasks, taking good notes, being able to prioritize important tasks and apply adequate study methods for tests and examinations. Adolescents with ADD/ADHD are to some extent more likely to experiment with undesirable behaviours at an earlier age because of their impulsivity and not considering the consequences of their actions. Usually teenagers tend to develop new strengths that help them with decision making, consequently, their ability to think long term, resist instant gratification and regulate their own behaviour does improve. The teenagers with ADHD, however, are simply likely to lag behind in these areas. Therefore, teenagers with ADHD have much more of a harder time regulating their impulses, even when they know their behaviour is destructive. As such, impulsiveness can potentially lead to substance abuse, aggressive acting out, unprotected sex, promiscuity, reckless driving or any other high-risk activity. Like all teenagers, the need for acceptance and to “fit in” is substantial. Some teenagers with ADHD will be more at risk of becoming the “class clown” or becoming the “most rebellious” or the “outrageous” one to get some attention and acknowledgement from their peers. On the whole, ADD/ADHD is a complex disorder and usually there are accompanying conditions such as depression, learning difficulties, anger and anxiety which can affect adolescents with ADD/ADHD in widely contrasting ways. Sandton Psychology Centre has psychologists that work with adolescent difficulties and issues. It may become necessary for a parent to seek professional assistance for their teenager during this period. Adolescents will likely benefit from psychological intervention that will teach them how to deal with impulsive behaviour, difficulty with remaining focused and/or organisational skills, long-term planning and low self-esteem which are all aspects related to ADHD

March 2, 2015

Imaginary Friends In Childhood

It is a common idea that children with imaginary friends have issues for which they are compensating, and while this may be the case, it is not the sole reason your child will develop a friendship with an invented chum. Research shows that girls are more likely than boys to have imaginary friends, or at the very least just to acknowledge them, while boys are more likely to impersonate fantasy characters. Children who have imaginary friends can distinguish fantasy from reality, so there’s no reason to worry when your child exhibits signs that he or she has a made-up companion. They are more likely to engage in pretend-play than children without companions, and they play more happily and more imaginatively. Studies also show they are more fluent with language, watch less television and show more excitement, persistence and curiosity. In one study in particular, children with imaginary friends showed a keener ability to do theory-of-mind tasks than children who did not. These children also showed a greater emotional understanding three years later. Having imaginary friends is common in early development, and approximately 1/3 of children have them. The relationship the child has to his or her imaginary companion is like a normal peer relationship which is characterised by reciprocity, unlike children who nurture or take care of other objects like stuffed toys or dolls. Imaginary friends also provide wish fulfilment functions, such as when a child has an absent parent and compensates for this, or the desire for a sibling which is then role-played through imagination. They are also a safe way for a child to express his or her fears or support themselves in difficult situations, such as standing up to a bully. Self-esteem is increased through imaginary friends, as is creativity. The only time an imaginary friend should cause alarm is if your child’s developmental age has surpassed this stage. An imaginary friend at the age of seven or eight may represent a bigger problem. If the friend is a character that concerns you, such as one who is modelled after something negative, consulting a professional for guidance and advice is the best option. But keep in mind that imaginary friends are perfectly healthy, and are even considered a positive step in development of your child’s emotional and psychosocial development, as well as his or her cognitive functioning. Sources: A Child’s World, 12th Edition.

February 25, 2015

The Big Issue With Self Esteem

What is all the fuss about and what can parents do to improve their children’s self-esteem? In recent years self-esteem has become a bit of a buzz word. Parents, teachers, occupational therapists, psychologists and social workers (to name a few) have all become reasonably obsessed with the concept, and near panic proportions are reached if a parent is told that their child has (gasp) POOR self-esteem! For many parents, the very thought that their child might have poor self-esteem is met with horror, severe guilt and is coupled with dire thoughts about the child’s future and whether or not he or she will ever be a success. But what is self-esteem exactly, and why is it so important? More importantly, what can parents do to ensure that children develop a healthy self-esteem? Put very simply, self-esteem is the way in which a person thinks and feels about him or herself. An individual with good self-esteem perceives herself as acceptable, competent and accomplished. A person with poor self-esteem feels unacceptable and doubts his or her ability to confront and solve problems in a masterful manner. The reason there is a big fuss about self-esteem is that it does appear linked to important things such as physical and mental health and satisfaction in life. Many studies have shown that poor self-esteem is linked to such things as low academic performance, depression, anxiety, sexual risk behaviour, drug and alcohol abuse…to name a few. It is therefore reasonably understandable that parents feel a sense of concern over the quality of their children’s self-esteem. The big question then, is WHAT CAN PARENTS DO to enhance the self-esteem of their children? The following article will answer this question, starting from the moment that an individual first becomes a parent, giving simple hints and suggestions for dealing with infants and older children alike. Infancy: The importance of a good attachment A child’s most significant relationship is usually (although not necessarily) with it’s parents. It is within the safety of this primary relationship that children start developing thoughts and feelings about themselves that are mirrored to them through the eyes of their parents. The bond between a parent and child is traditionally referred to as the ‘attachment’ between the child and it’s primary caregiver. The quality of this attachment can range on a continuum from very good, to very poor and starts developing from the moment that a child is born. Importantly, a good attachment is one of the primary foundations upon which one’s self-esteem is based. Although there is no rule book for establishing a positive attachment with one’s infant, there are a few things that parents can do to make a good attachment more likely. There are also red flags to look out for that might prevent a parent from establishing a good attachment with one’s child. Most significantly, it is critical that parents are RESPONSIVE and focussed on the needs of the child. Infants are completely dependent on their parents for protection and nourishment and are unable to meet any of their needs independently. A responsive parent is one who is reasonably in tune with their infant. As such, they are able to react quickly and accurately to the needs of the child. These needs could be physical or emotional and may include food, a clean nappy, comfort, warmth or sleep. As the child gets older and more interactive, this responsive style starts to include the child’s increasingly complex emotional experiences. It becomes important for a parent to accurately respond to both positive emotions, such as smiling back or laughing when the child smiles; or negative emotions, such as soothing a frustrated or upset infant. Red flags for parents to be aware of are any issues that prevent a parent from being able to respond to the needs of their child. These could include: post natal depression, marital conflict, alcohol or drug abuse, mental illness such as depression or anxiety, or burnout from severe work stress. Parents are advised to seek timely help from a professional if they are unable to cope with these issues on their own or with the help and support of family and friends. Consistent praise and encouragement: How it relates to self-esteem As children grow older and start talking, praise and encouragement become incredibly important for children and are a vital ingredient in promoting a healthy self-esteem. Positive feedback can relate to behaviours, but can also relate to specific aspects of a child’s character (for example, “You were so kind when you helped that little boy who fell”; “You laugh so easily, I love your sense of humour”) as well to the relationship between you and your child (“you’re my special boy”; “I love you”). In these ways, positive feedback can help a child to understand that they are loved and cherished, for specific qualities that are noticed and appreciated. Solve problems WITH your child rather than FOR them As children continue developing, their abilities become more complex and more is expected of them by society. As individuals, our ability to confront and solve problems determines much of our experience of success or failure. Children who consistently rely on parents to solve their problems for them are unlikely to feel the sense of accomplishment and pride that comes from solving their own problems. In addition, as children develop into adults, over-reliance on parents for problem solving will lead to unhealthy levels of dependence. In order to foster independence and a positive self-esteem, it is important that parents allow or assist children to solve their own problems. Problem solving refers to a variety of different situations and often involves a great deal of patience from parents. For example, it might take your child ten agonizing minutes to figure out how to use a new toy or to find the place where the puzzle piece fits in. Although you might be able to do it for your child in seconds, it is more important that you allow your child to explore

February 23, 2015

Getting Back Into A Routine

The holidays have come to an end. No more getting up at half past eight. No more getting done when you feel like it. No more just taking it easy (as if parents could ever take it easy). You are almost back to the daily grind and now you have start worrying about getting up on time, making lunch and all the other routines associated with normal day to day to day life. We all have our little sanity savers to make life easier and I thought I would share some tips and tricks I have learnt and adopted in the morning for school. Our morning routine Most important is be up before the kids are so that I have time to have a bath and to get breakfast and lunch ready. I usually decide the previous day as to what breakfast and school lunch will be. This allows me to buy what I need and prevents deciding in the morning based on the contents of your fridge. We have a dedicated set of lunch containers for their lunches and ensure these are washed the night before and left ready to be packed. Breakfasts usually consist of oats (energy packed low GI food) every second day, mixed with either cranberries, grated apple, cinnamon or honey. Other days include foods such as scrambled eggs, bacon and toast, home-made crumpets (I have a great recipe that can be mixed and cooked within 15 minutes), French toast with syrup and on rare occasions cereals (Milo, Coco Pops, etc.) Once done with breakfast and packing lunches, I wake the kids (if not up already). Once they are up, it’s straight to the bathroom for them for a quick wash and to dress. They then have breakfast. TV can be a big distraction in the morning in getting the kids done, so my kids are only allowed to watch TV once they ready for school and finished breakfast. With regard to clothing, let them pick out an outfit the night before. We also have a shelf within their reach with a few choices so they can choose their own clothing. School uniforms simplify this process immensely. School bags are packed the night before and left waiting at the front door. Non co-operative kids? This is where the secret box of Milo cereal or Coco Pops comes in handy. It’s a pleasant treat for our kids to have something (or rather anything) with chocolate on it. But they can only have it if they help getting ready for school. Promising to do a special activity with them in the afternoon is also a good motivator. A visit to the park after school is a good motivator to send a completely lethargic kid scurrying to find that lost shoe. Sometimes all kids need is a hug and a few extra minutes to wake up. If they are very crabby in the morning, I usually leave them in bed for a few extra minutes while I get something else done and come back for them. That’s why part of my strategy is to make sure that I am done before the kids so that I can spend a little extra time with them if need be and not trying to do everything at the same time whilst running out the door. My advice to find the correct routines Each family is different as is each child. So decide on a routine that best suits you. Importantly stick to the routine once you decide on it (e.g. in my case I do not give in to the no TV before breakfast rule). Do allow a certain amount of flexibility in the routine for those non-cooperative days, but not so much that the routine changes every day. If that is the case then you need to relook at your routine. If you have a nanny or domestic helper, make sure that they know what their duties are in the morning as well. It does not help when you of you are trying to do the same thing or even redoing what one person has already done. What works best for us is to share the tasks so that one parent is not under pressure all the time. For example, one parent does school lunches and breakfast whilst the other parent washes and dresses the kids. Routines can have a downside in that children’s lives are so regimented that they don’t get to make choices, do their own thing, play, have fun and just relax. Your routine should be designed to ensure all of this happens whilst having the key features of being well planned, regular and predictable. And don’t forget that everyone enjoys an occasional change of routine to break monotony. My apologies if this post is lacking some humour but unfortunately getting done in the morning is no laughing matter……

February 12, 2015

PG 13

It’s a busy, busy world. There is too much to do and not enough time to do half of it. It’s getting harder and harder to monitor exactly what our children are filling their time with. Some of it is harmless enough, but a great deal of what’s airing on TV these days is, for lack of a better word, poisonous. Let’s begin with how much television or game time your child is allowed each day. The best thing to do is minimise this time and supplement it with outdoor activity. Allow between one and two hours of TV a day, and not longer than that in one sitting period. Do not allow television during meal times, or right before lights out. Try reading a story instead, and give their minds imagery that requires imagination rather than that which could disturb their precious minds. Next, monitor what they are watching and playing therein. Before you buy a DVD, watch it. Play a game before you give it to your child. There is a very good reason that the Film and Publications Board gives ratings to movies – because some can be extremely harmful to young, imaginative minds that are not used to the violence that we adults have sadly become desensitised, even accustomed to. Wrestling shows are not appropriate for young boys because their playfulness and desire to imitate can often turn into tears on the playground. Blood, gore and foul language also have no place in the lives of children when it comes to entertainment. When it comes to super heroes and fantastic myth, explain to your children that they are fantasy and not reality, and can therefore not be imitated without painful consequences. Video games are a big consideration people need to keep when dealing with monitoring their child’s activities, as these affect some very fundamental parts of your child’s mind. Because game simulation is becoming more and more lifelike, children are finding themselves rapt with these fast-paced and aggressive worlds they go into. As a result, the lines between fantasy and reality begin to blur and violence and aggression, as well as addiction, begins to grow. This is not to say do not allow your children enjoy the thrill of entertainment, it simply means think twice before allowing your 7 year old to steal cars in Grand Theft auto or attempt to save the world from aliens that rip intestines out (it’s true, a lot of the games these days feature such graphics) and because we don’t monitor what they are, we are left unaware of the threats they pose to our children’s mental well-being. Make sure you know what entertainment your child fills his or her time with, and decide whether you deem them healthy or age-appropriate. Trust your instincts here – if you don’t like it, chances are it’s not healthy.

February 11, 2015

The “REAL” Before Baby Checklist

I strongly believe that nothing changes your views on parenting, quite like being a parent… I know every mom is different, but if it was up to me, I would have been given this checklist before “signing up” Are you okay with bodily fluids all over you, your house and even your car? On day two while Aidan was in NICU and the nurse was changing him is when I first experienced this. The moment she took the nappy off he somehow managed to get pooh ALL over, it even went through a cutout in his plastic crib and left a number one shaped pooh stain on the wall. At home he suffered from reflux and my dainty little spit up cloths were replaced with, cloth towels, blankets, buckets… Nothing ever stayed in him! Are you able to operate on two hours’ worth of sleep? Even when Aidan slept I was so paranoid I would just stare at him. So my nights were spent either being woken up by him crying or being woken up by him not crying. Are you fine with putting your heels into hibernation? I’m only now dusting of my stilettos (my son is 20 months old) because regardless of what the models/celebs and fashion blogging moms say, running on heels is MUCH easier than “mumming” on heels. Pushing a stroller, with a child on your hip (because he suddenly hates the stroller) while tittering on sky scraper heels is not for the faint hearted. If you are planning on breast feeding are you aware that at some point you will be wearing a thick jacket while the sun beats down on you, trying to act natural, because you are too embarrassed to strip down and reveal your milk stained blouse. I never understood just how important, breast pads are. They REALLY are! Are you okay with cold (at best lukewarm) food When they are tiny they seem to use the act of you sitting down to eat as their queue to cry to be picked up. It’s amazing really, and I for one don’t think you have lived until you have breastfed while eating a pie, like a boss. When they get older they want to taste your food or in the case of my picky eater just touch it and act repulsed. When they reach toddler stage you end up eating with one hand and mopping up spills with the other…very classy. Oh and when you go out to eat you can spot the mom’s by their eating style…The faster the ” act of shovelling of food into your mouth” the younger your kid…I remember having to tell myself to bite, chew, swallow, repeat. Are you aware that stepping on toys is a prerequisite? Whether it’s stepping on a loud squeaky toy the moment you finally get them to sleep or something sharp and hard like a Lego that makes you dance around in pain while trying not to use any “bad words” stepping on toys WILL HAPPEN. Unless you have a team of nannies or have the reflexes of cat woman that is. Are you ready to say goodbye to your home? Toys and baby stuff will overtake your house. Despite your best intentions you will not have a baby living with you, you will be living with a baby…don’t say I didn’t warn you. Are you okay with being judged about every little thing? Everyone has an opinion! Don’t hold him like that, don’t feed him like that, don’t do this, don’t do that, sleep with him close, but not that close, actually closer, nooooooo that’s too close. Now only eat fruit farmed by monks by the light of the moon to ensure he gets best in your milk for the next 3 years, you simply must feed for that long, any shorter or longer and we will call child protection services. Also I hope his pacifier is organic, they really shouldn’t have pacifiers though, but the one you don’t give him should still be organic. Would you like to be physically unable to walk into a shop to by something for yourself? You can buy stuff for yourself, just not without, a little something, just something small, tiny really for the baby. This one trumps all, it carries ten points Are you okay with waking up every day feeling so blessed you could burst. Are you fine with being loved and adored for just being you and with loving and adoring someone who you are responsible for. Also are you keen to watch someone grow and learn and to experience a world of firsts? I for one think I would be right where I am now with or without the questions…

February 10, 2015

Good Divorce Behaviour

Divorce is an all too common reality for many families in South Africa. It is often a painful journey with significant repercussions for all individuals involved, including children. It is not an easy decision for either partners regardless of their individual feelings and thoughts regarding the marriage. In all the turmoil and emotional upheaval that precedes and follows a divorce it is important to be cognisant of behaviour that will put children first. Below are a number of pointers that institute “good” divorce behaviour that is the least damaging for children undergoing an already difficult and painful transition in their lives. DO: Do tell children that the divorce is not their fault. Often children assume that their parents are not together because of something they did which was wrong or bad. Do get assistance from a psychologist if you need to. If a parent adjusts well to a divorce the child copes better as well. Get help if you are feeling stressed, if you can’t seem to overcome the anger, the hurt and the resentment. Divorce can sometimes be the beginning of a life you have wanted, but it is a long journey and there are often many issues that need to be resolved along the way. Getting assistance from a psychologist helps the healing process and may address other aspects if necessary such as what went wrong so the pattern isn’t repeated with new partners. Do try keep changes to a child’s environment as minimal as possible.Divorce is a transition in itself, so it is important to not make too many changes to what a child is used too. Children like routine and they need similarity especially in the context of a divorce. Try to keep residences and schools the same as well as other activities. In addition, make sure that contact with family members (regardless of how you may feel about them) and other caregivers, such as helpers remains the same as far as possible. Do allow your children to voice their thoughts and feelings, listen to them and acknowledge their feelings. Parents often feel guilty about the divorce and when a child voices a negative emotion such as sadness they minimize the child’s feelings (often as a means to try protect their child). Therefore, when a child states that they miss the other parent saying to them something like “don’t be sad because you’re going to see Mom/Dad this weekend…” doesn’t acknowledge feelings but tells a child to forget about them or minimize or deny their feelings). In this scenario it is better saying something like “I can see you are sad about not seeing Mom/Dad…” as children need to know that what they’re feeling is okay and that their parent understands and allows this. Do nurture yourself and try to get back on track to the definition of normality for you. Remember that separation and divorce is a traumatic experience, even for the person initiating the process. Your life will get back on track. However, it is a process and therefore be patient and kind to yourself. Don’t expect too much too soon, there will be some dire days but with time they usually diminish. Do make sure that your child has as much access to both parents as far as possible (if it is beneficial to the child and there are no legal restrictions such as supervised access etc.) Again the fact remains that regardless of whether the ex-spouses get on or not does not imply that the child cannot have a good relationship with the individual parent. The more love and solid relationships children have the better it is for them. If you are concerned about your ex-spouse consult with a psychologist. Parenting plans are also essential to establish ground rules important for the upbringing of the children. Be aware of the changeover time between the two homes. Going to or coming home from a parent’s home is usually difficult for the child. Children may then act out or behave badly which is often mistaken for bad parenting or no discipline at the ex-spouse’s home. Do not allow destructive behaviour to go undisciplined but allow children to vent via appropriate means. DO NOT: Do not fight with your ex-spouse in front of the children.If you are likely to lose your temper make sure it is never in front of a child. If communicating is difficult without getting into altercations try communicating telephonically when the child is elsewhere, or send e-mails etc. Treat the former marriage as a business partnership as it is your ‘business’ to bring up your children in a relationship that is healthy and beneficial to your greatest assets – your children. Be careful not to talk badly about your ex-spouse in front of the children. Always, always remember that continued conflict can be very destructive for children. Seek professional help from a psychologist who deals with divorce matters if you cannot break the pattern of conflict. Mediation and drawing up parenting plans are other useful means to resolve conflict. Do not put your child in the middle. Children should not be seen as the messengers or postmen delivering messages to and from Mom and Dad. Don’t interrogate your child about your ex-spouse.Let your child know that he/she can love all members of both families. Do not, ever ask your child to choose a parent.Asking a child to choose a parent is an impossible (and destructive) task. Children love both parents, regardless of any short-comings they may or not have. In addition, children need to feel free to love both parents equally without competition and without question. Do not assign fault to the divorce unless under exceptional circumstances. Some parents try score brownie points and present themselves as the innocent party. Whether one likes it or not, agrees with it or not, there are two people in a relationship. If one spouse wants to leave the marriage it doesn’t mean that they’re solely at fault, but the relationship between the two

February 9, 2015

I Am Just So Tired

Sometimes I complain about motherhood and every time I do, somebody somewhere somehow gives me the same speech… Enjoy it before it’s over. Live in the now. It’s all worth it. EMBRACE IT. Believe me, I know all these things… I am just so damn tired. I am 36 weeks pregnant in the heat of summer, I have a toddler that still does not always sleep through the night and up until last week I had a full time job …I am just so tired. You lose a lot of things when you have kids, including your mind. (Yes, I know, you gain a lot too – like a new perspective and a bigger heart and tons cuts on your feet from stepping on LEGO pieces), but becoming a parent forces you to shed much of your old lifestyle to accommodate your new one. I used to sleep so much… I loved sleep… I could easily sleep till 1 pm in the afternoon if I wanted to. One of my favourite things when I used to go visit my parents was sleeping on the couch while my dad watched cricket, oh how I miss those beautiful sweet dreaming moments. Even just the ability to have a nap whenever you felt like it… do people even still do that? One of the earliest pieces of advice I got when I was pregnant the first time around was to catch up on sleep before Mikayla was born. It’s both incredibly good advice and terribly stupid advice. Stupid because there’s no way to “catch-up” on sleep before you lose it – you can’t bank sleep. And good because once you have a kid, as in DAY ONE, the amount of sleep you’ll get for the rest of your life begins to diminish and never stops. I’ve had a wonderful pregnancy so far. but I got a tummy bug about two/three weeks ago and it feels like my body just can’t recover. I am just so tired. I’m uncomfortable, I need to wake up at night to switch sides, and it’s hot… I can’t stop making lists in my head (did I get everything for the baby, is everything in the hospital bag, what’s on the menu for Christmas dinner, what am I going to do for Mikyala’s birthday party,did I skip anyone when I bought presents, etc.) Green Pepper the cat stopped sleeping on the bed with me because she is not nocturnal and needs some rest. Rhino (the male cat) gave up a long time ago and hates me because he can’t fit on my tummy anymore. I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night without getting up, I’m pretty sure it was about four years ago… I am just so tired. I wish I was a cat. The thought of talking to anybody and making conversation is overwhelming and my brain has died. Even blogging, my go-to therapeutic relief, has been tough. I haven’t had the time to read anything, and usually through reading, I am inspired to write. There’s a time each day when I think I might actually die from exhaustion, but then, like a beam of hope and light and truth, comes the Aero or Tex chocolate bar I hid in the back of the cupboard and I know I’ll make it through one more day… then I also remember that I will never lose the extra 20 kg’s I’ve got attached to my ass if I keep eating chocolates every day, but then I stop caring and I do it anyway because survival. As amazing as my husband is, no matter how many times he gets up for Mikayla at night – he can’t possibly understand. I bet some dads, my husband included, think they’ve been there. And I’m probably about to lose my whole 5% of male readers – but dads haven’t really been there. Not like us, not really. And the really crappy part about not getting enough sleep? It makes us feel fat. And cranky. And emotional. All of this leads us to feeling like we aren’t able to be good moms because we feel FAT and CRANKY and EMOTIONAL – and that’s not us. We are fabulous and amazing. What is this sorcery? Most people would just tell you to take a nap and sleep when the kids are sleeping and blah blah blah. We’ve all heard that before. First off, Mikayla does not nap, ever. If she does…. Hell hath no fury. It’s better to keep her awake until bedtime – for everyone’s safety and sanity. Secondly, since she was born, I have lost my ability to nap, I just can’t do it. I’d much rather watch series that I can’t watch with kids around or that my hubby can’t stand, or blog because I can finally hear my own thoughts, or try finish the book I started reading almost three years ago or maybe fold some laundry, or just chat on the phone without sounding like a crazy and being interrupted the whole time.. Or maybe plot my revenge towards Cole who always complains about how tired he is – even though I wake up at night from his snoring. I hate it when he sleeps. I am trying to hold on to the thought that all things shall pass… but then again – you might get a week here or a week there – but pretty soon someone will get sick, or develop a fear of the dark, or start having nightmares. After that they’ll be teenagers, and you can’t sleep until they get home because you were a little shit when you were that age and you know what they might be up to. After that they will be in college and who even knows what kind of terrible things could be happening to them all night long. After that comes menopause, and I hear that you never sleep again anyway. When you get very old you have to wake up before sunrise, I am not sure why… I know I did this to myself, I wouldn’t have it any other way, but right now… I am just so tired. So

February 3, 2015

Six Parenting Resolutions

Refrain from using a loud voice Children learn how to communicate by the models the adult caregivers set for them. As often as possible, when you need your child’s attention or cooperation, go to the child and speak in a calm and respectful tone at the child’s eye level. The more often you do this, the more likely you are to create peace and calmness in your home and your children will do the same. Use the word COOPERATION often When you need your child to comply, initiate it by announcing, “I need your cooperation.” When they follow through, thank them for cooperating with you. When they need you do something for them, confirm their request by saying, “Oh… you need my cooperation. I’d love to cooperate with you.” Use that word in association with requests from other adults in the house so the kids will see it often. Let go and avoid controlling the outcome all the time We’re constantly trying to get so much done in so little time and on schedule. When our child moves too slow or doesn’t put a piece of clothing on correctly, it annoys us and we take over to have things according to our desire. Once a day, let something your child does be the way she did it. Avoid correcting them, re-doing something, taking over for them, or arranging all the outcomes. Celebrate moments of independence You’re getting ready to leave the house and you noticed that she buttoned her own jacket but the buttons are misaligned. Or she put her top on by herself but it’s inside out. For just once, avoid correcting the situation. Don’t re-button her jacket or adjust her top. Instead, make a big deal of what she did on her own. You can adjust things later but for the moment, celebrate her self-sufficiency. Commit to coach and not own homework The kids are back in school this week so it’s a good time for making a commitment not to own their homework when it comes home. Establish boundaries around them doing their homework, including bedtimes, healthy eating and limits on entertainment electronics. Don’t hover, be available to them for help with homework and provide them with the right supplies, lighting and space to do it. Avoid doing it for them and avoid always correcting it before they take it to school. Mistakes are for learning! Stay calm when your child begins to argue When our older children become persistent in trying to convince us of something, we can easily get pulled into an emotional debate. Teens who feel they can approach their parent about anything and know they are being heard consider their relationship with the parent stronger. Commit to not getting angry in these moments and be there 100%. If your teen has made a good case, give in once in a while. If you’ve had enough of the bantering, end it calmly and walk away. Know that it’s normal behavior.

February 2, 2015

Hurt Children

What has always interested me most about bullying is who is bullying the bully? Bullying is never just a cut and dried case of this child here is the bully and that child there is the victim. In fact, it is very much a group dynamic. In 90% of cases of bullying you will find other children either standing by and not doing anything to help the ‘victim’ or actively participating in the bullying along with the ‘ringleader’ of the problem. And in almost all cases you will find that the one leading the bullying has also been bullied, either at school by other kids at a different time, or by a parent or teacher or other adult in their lives. Hurt children hurt children. Because this is a group dynamic and involves so many levels of victimhood, it is best dealt with as a group. One of the best examples that I have seen of this working effectively was a documentary I watched on a Japanese school teacher. In every case of bullying he halted all his lessons and brought in a group intervention. Every child in the class was expected to participate and they focused on how each one was feeling. He looked at how the victim felt having been bullied, how those watching or participating felt, how the bully felt about doing the bullying and about hearing how the victim felt. He got the bullies to think back to a time when they had been treated like the victim and how they felt then. He got the kids to dig really deep about what was going on and the causes for their own behaviour. He got the group to find group cohesion again – to find unity as a class so that no-one was an outsider worthy of being treated differently. He helped them to find that place where we are all human and we all share a common humanity through the way that we feel. Hurt children hurt children. When their pain is heard and acknowledged it is more likely to heal. It was moving to watch and reminded me of a similar intervention process that was introduced years ago to Australian prisons. In this case the criminals and their victims (or families of the victims in the case where the victim had been killed) met for mediated sessions where the victims could explain to the criminals how their actions had affected them and in all the ways that their lives had been upset; the emotional and physical and financial implications etc. And the criminals were given the opportunity to give their side of the story – what their life had been like to bring them to the point of that crime. It was incredible to see the level of healing and the amazing results the prison system had with reducing recidivism. Hurt people hurt people. If we can get behind the hurt, then instead of just punishing the offenders and consoling the victims, we can start a dialogue of change and reconciliation. We may even find victims comforting the bullies. It has been known to happen. Is this not a more healing and ultimately more sustainable solution to this very human problem? Hurt children (and adults) hurt because they don’t have the skills or understanding to work through their own pain and past experiences. What they need is guidance, from someone who has the relevant skills, the patience and the understanding to see the situation from a greater perspective. Bullies and victims don’t need to be removed from each other, but brought together. With love and guidance. Without such intervention we create yet another cycle of pain. The chances of a victim becoming a bully in another situation or time are high. Hurt children hurt children. I would like to see teachers and support staff trained in mediation and this becoming a standard part of school life. I think every class could halt their lessons of maths, language and sciences to take a day here and there to teach these essential life skills. We need to remind our children about the power of their shared humanity. I’m sure we can turn this around. I’m also sure that healed children will heal children.

January 30, 2015

Forms Of Discipline

One of the biggest rules in parenting, a cardinal rule that must be taken into account at all times is: there is a distinct line between discipline and punishment. On the one hand, there is the behavioural modification approach that allows parents and caregivers to teach children about right and wrong, and how to abide to the rules. It revises negative behaviour and rewards the positive. It is concerned with correcting unacceptable behaviour, which teaches children that there are rules to abide by to function in society. On the other hand, however, there are punitive and humiliating forms of punishment that people inflict onto their children. Consequently, it can do untold damage to the child. Types of punishment include: Corporal punishment – a physical action that hurts a child in any way in the name of punishment. This includes slapping, pinching, pushing, deprivation of food, forcing of hot foods, excessive salt, cooking materials, cleaning materials, and or binding children or forcing them to sit or stand for long periods. Emotional punishment – this is an action that is done to deliberately cause distress to the child. Examples of this include a teacher calling on the class to ridicule a student, making threats, humiliating someone, shutting a child in a dark cupboard and refusal to communicate with a child for an extended period. Intellectual punishment – this is a difficult form to characterise but mostly consists of an adult forcing a child to agree with a statement they do not accept as true, or forcing a child to do things they are not ready to or capable of doing. None of these forms of punishment are considered acceptable. Studies and research have shown that children can be damaged physically such as damage to the brain during being shaken or by repeated blows. It opens the door to physical abuse because a child may come to expect such actions. It also damages development, both socially and cognitively. Childline South Africa offers various alternatives to physical, emotional or intellectual punishment, each of which has been researched and shown to promote healthy moral development of children. Reward positive behaviour. Lead by example and practice what you preach. Be realistic about what is thought to be bad behaviour and what is considered normal development. Avoid threatening or shouting. Children are wily, and they understand more than we give them credit for. They will learn you don’t mean the threats. Use ‘good’ words to describe children so that they have a clear distinction when you are explaining bad actions. Negotiate a compromise. Children learn by doing. Set boundaries and encourage children to respect them. Remember that there is a need for rules and limits, and it doesn’t make you a bad parent to teach your child those rules. Be firm, but be responsible to your child as well. If you hit him or her for doing something wrong, what’s to stop them from hitting others? They learn from us; it is our job to teach the right lessons. Sources: Childline SA

January 29, 2015

Toddler Troubles And Concerns

There are a variety of common toddler difficulties that child psychologists at Sandton Psychology Centre can assist with. Please be aware that some difficulties mentioned under these headings occur in all children and should only be an area of concern if these behaviours are excessive and “more than usual”: Unwarranted tantrums which seem to get out of hand and where the child takes longer than usual to settle down. The child may also hurt himself/herself by banging their head against a wall, biting themselves and so forth. Separation anxiety whereby toddlers have extreme anxiety about separating from a caregiver and don’t settle down well once separated. Excessively fearful or frightened whereby a toddler may seem to have a specific phobia, such as being terrified of something specific such as dogs. Aggressive behaviour or conduct that is uncontrollable, whereby a toddler fights excessively, and physically hurts others by scratching, hitting, pulling hair, throwing objects etc. Sleep difficulties. Excessive crying and seems unhappy most of the time or whines a great deal. Significant ‘battles’ with parents and behaviour that is oppositional. Elimination difficulties, whereby a child refuses to start going to the toilet, “holds everything in” etc. Eating difficulties, such as refusing to eat and needing caregivers to feed them. If you are concerned with your toddlers behaviour, please be sure to discuss it with your healthcare professional.

January 28, 2015

Emotional Intelligence In Childhood

In a nutshell, emotional intelligence is the ability to recognise, understand and control one’s thoughts and feelings. In addition, emotional intelligence refers to the ability to communicate feelings in an appropriate manner and to have the ability to empathise with the feelings of others, thereby interacting with others on an emotional level. When children and adolescents (and adults for that matter!) have high levels of emotional intelligence they will: Have a good self-concept as they will really know themselves; They will have a good understanding of their feelings, so they will be able to deal with for example, patterns of thinking which may not be constructive; Be more resilient to setbacks; Have a good ability to problem solve; and they will have the ability to be self-motivated, and thus find it easy to set goals for themselves, problem solve and deal with conflict effectively.

January 26, 2015

The Functional Family

One often hears the term “dysfunctional” when talking about families. Most people would know that it means that things are not working as they should. However, little is said about what constitutes a functional family. In a nutshell a functional family is one that works well. This does not mean to imply that there are no bad times or disagreements. (There are, but they just get sorted out and resolved in a manner that is healthy and constructive). The following are some characteristics that make up a functional family: Feelings are communicated and that especially includes negative feelings which are characteristically more difficult to express, such as anger, disappointment and sadness. In addition, members of the functional family feel ‘safe’ to convey feelings which are communicatedinanappropriate manner and are acknowledged by the other family members. The needs of each member of the family are met from the basic needs such as food, medical care, education and so forth to the needs of belonging and feeling nurtured and loved. Re-occurring difficulties that arise within the family unit get resolved and therefore dysfunctional patterns don’t become entrenched. Each member of the family unit gets to separate and individuate from other family members and they therefore do not become enmeshed and are their own people. In addition, individual feelings and needs are respected, however within the appropriate limitations and boundaries. There are clear boundaries, however they are not too rigid and there is room for flexibility. Members are able to recognize when there are difficulties and are able to ask for help. Furthermore, individual members take responsibility for their own actions and do not blame other family members. Communication is open in that family members speak directly to each other as opposed to gossiping and using other individuals as ‘messengers’. The parents in a functional family: Love their children unconditionally; Have their own support system (friends, family and colleagues) with whom they can share their lives and do not burden their children with solving their problems or being the “parent” in the family; Nurture themselves and their own relationships so that children have good role models for a relationship that is healthy; Listen to their children, but do not lecture them or try control them or their lives; Give their children space to grow and make mistakes without over- protecting their children from experiencing life’s difficulties and thus enabling them to grow into independent adults.

January 20, 2015

Help Your Child Make Friends

The problem: Your child comes home from school at the end of each day, quiet and seemingly upset. He appears to be lonely, and you are saddened by this. Your heart breaks because all you want for your child is for him to be happy. It’s a pickle, because on the one hand, your child doesn’t seem to want to play with others. He watches people, but when he is approached, he shies away. On the other hand, even though he seems to not want friends, he is feeling lonely and becoming increasingly moody. One of the problems most parents face is that you cannot make friends for your child. You cannot force any of the other children to like your child, and you can’t be on the playground with him. The core: Friendship in the foundation years is vitally important for a child’s development. The way your son or daughter gets along with people plays a huge role in future development. The playground is the place where the majority of learning occurs, for example spatial (learning distance and depth perception) cognitive (skills learned during games and play groups) and the socialisation skills where they learn basic social rules as well as how to interact with people. It is also the place where they learn empathy, problem-solving skills and negotiation skills. The truth is, not having friends on the playground can seriously affect children, and often results in attention seeking behavior, tattle-tailing on their peers to seek favour with adults, and some even resorting to giving gifts to their peers right out of mommy’s cupboard. It also strongly affects your child’s self-esteem and sense of self. The solution: As adults, we remember how unkind the playground can be. The first solution is to remember that your child’s first friend in life is you. Play with him, make sure he knows how important this is, and learn to laugh with your child. Secondly, work on your child’s confidence. Encourage free speech but teach them about limitations. The most popular children on the playground are often the most confident and outspoken. You can also improve your child’s social skills but hosting a party at your house. Bring other children into your child’s territory so that they can feel comfortable in his space. This will increase your child’s ability to be comfortable in other children’s spaces. Most importantly, make sure your child knows that he is a person who people will want to spend time with. Encourage your child in a way that their self-esteem piques, and encourage non-competitive activity (not piggy in the middle, as this can foster feelings of being ganged up on or left out).

January 16, 2015

How To Give Your Kids A Life-Long Damaging Complex

The little boy was unhappy for some reason and threw himself on the floor in the grocery store, blocking the path of several customers pushing carriages. His mother grabbed him by the arm and dragged him off to the side and out of the other shoppers’ way, scolding him for the outburst. The strongest word I heard her say was in her sentence, “Shame on you for being so rude!” The word was SHAME. For some, it may be a very normal word that they’ve heard often. I’ve heard it used to lift some up above others; “He played so well on the field that he put the others to shame.” I’ve heard other adults say, “For shame, for shame!” A man once shared with me that he first felt the effects of shame when he was very young. At preschool age, he and his male playmate were swimming in a wading pool in the back yard and decided they didn’t need to wear their swim trunks. When his grandmother saw what the two boys had done, she ran out to them and screamed “Shame on you,” sent the playmate home, and dragged her grandson into the house. This man revealed that he was forced to feel shame many times throughout his childhood and it left a painful feeling inside that was hard for him to describe. Hearing that word made him feel bad, damaged, broken, and less than others. He said it carried over into his marriage, impacting his intimacy and his self-esteem. Looking up the definition of the word in the dictionary will define the word as; the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, or ridiculous. It is that painful feeling that can have lasting effects on the person being shamed for his or her actions. That pain can actual alter the way a person lives out their daily life. Instead of using shame to control your child, use unconditional love; remain calm, explain why certain actions aren’t OK, and be cognizant of a child’s emotions. When the boys decided to take off their swim trunks, grandma could have calmly given them a choice to wear their trunks to keep swimming, or return home. Then some time later, calmly explained to them why that rule is important. When that little boy in the grocery store had his meltdown, his mother could have gently removed him from the middle of the isle and held him until he calmed down. She could have refrained from speaking to him because children having tantrums are unable to interpret the words they hear. Forcing a tantrum to stop by using shame is not a healthy method for discipline.

January 9, 2015

Remove Toxic People From Your Circle

In a recent article I wrote listing 25 tips for entrepreneurs, one stood out that I thought was worth rewriting for parents who read my column. It has to do with cleaning out for the holidays and I don’t mean cleaning out the house. It’s more along the lines of cleaning out your closest circle of people for your own emotional health. Here’s how it came about. One night my wife and I were leaving a business social event. We couldn’t help but share with each other on the drive home, the lingering feelings we had after listening to a few other couples, bicker with each other and complaining to the rest of us. None of them had anything encouraging to say and the experience made us want to leave. That’s the night several years ago that we decided together on two very important things going forward. Our first important decision, as parents and entrepreneurs, was to surround ourselves only with encouraging and supportive people. Over the next few days we began ‘cleaning house’ by listing all the adults in our lives who we felt were toxic. These are the people who complained and berated others, bickered with each other in front of others, and the ‘doubting Thomas’ who usually tell you every reason why your new idea won’t work. The second thing we did was to promise each other to always speak respectfully and kind to each other, not only in front of the kids, but out in public as well. This was especially important if the other was absent. We promised never to air any issues we have with each other in public and to address them in private. This included not making each other the butt of a joke or busting on each other in humiliating or embarrassing ways. To cultivate a relationship and life as good parents and as entrepreneurs, it’s critical to remain positive, encouraging and to always focus on gratitude for all of the gifts that appear in our lives each day. Steer clear of the ‘crabs’ that will always try and pull you down to join them in their misery or misfortune, and to pass this all on to our kids. So here are some additional guidelines we came up with for ourselves. Surround ourselves with positive and encouraging people. This was a difficult task to perform, limiting who we would invite to socidal events. Unfortunately, it meant eliminating some family members. Add statements of gratitude to our blessings before family meals. Take notice of all the little things that others did for us and recognize the gifts that appeared in our day that helped us in some way. Send out hand-written thank you notes (not emails) each week to anyone who helped us solve a challenge or provided service to us in some capacity. As parents, we owe it to our children to understand the difference between encouragement and discouragement and how to manifest what they need to develop their own resiliency.

January 6, 2015

Childhood Overweight And Obesity

When it comes to the low down on healthy eating and weight loss, most of what we read in the media, and what is portrayed on television, is directed at adults with little attention focused on children. But what about our children and where do they stand in the battle against the bulge? Childhood obesity: The problem we are facing South Africa has been experiencing an increase in obesity over the past 2 decades, especially among children and adolescents and is reaching epidemic proportions. According to the International Obesity Taskforce one out of every 10 children is overweight. 13.5% of South African children (between ages 6-14 years) are overweight and/or obese. Scary about this statistic is that it is higher than the global prevalence of 10%. It is further estimated that 1 in 5 children is either overweight or obese. Research show that girls are more likely to be overweight or obese. Ironically in developing countries like South Africa, where underweight and poor growth have been the main health concerns in children, overweight and obesity are now becoming significantly prevalent as a consequence of a poor diet and energy dense foods combined with increased sedentary activity. Childhood obesity is a serious medical condition that affects children and adolescents. It occurs when a child is well above the normal weight for his/her age and height. Childhood obesity is particularly troubling because the extra kilo’s often start kids on the path to health problems that were once confined to adults, such as diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. What causes childhood obesity Although there are some genetic and hormonal causes of childhood obesity, most excess weight is caused by kids eating too much and exercising too little. Children, unlike adults, need extra nutrients and calories to fuel their growth and development. So if they consume the calories needed for daily activities, growth and metabolism, they add kilo’s in proportion to their growth. But children who eat more calories than needed, gain weight beyond what’s required to support their growing bodies. However the picture is much more complex when one takes a look at all the risk factors involved in the development of childhood obesity. Many factors, usually working in combination, increase your child’s risk of becoming overweight. These risk factors include: Genetic conditions: These rare genetic diseases and hormonal disorders predispose a child to obesity. They include conditions like Prader-Willi syndrome, Bardet-Biedl-syndrome, Cohen syndrome and affect a very small proportion of children. Diet: Regular consumption of high-calorie foods e.g. foods high in sugar and fat, together with low fruit and vegetable consumption. Inactivity: Sedentary kids are more likely to gain weight because they don’t burn calories through physical activity. Inactive leisure activities, such as watching television or playing video games, contribute to the problem. Family factors: It is well known that obesity ‘runs in families’. If a child comes from an overweight family he/she may be genetically predisposed to put on excess weight, especially in an environment where high-calorie food is always available and physical activity isn’t encouraged. For children under the age of 10, if one parent is obese, it doubles the chances of the child developing adult obesity. If both parents are obese, there is an 80% chance that the child will be obese. Psychological factors: Some children over eat to cope with problems or to deal with emotions. How to tell if my child is overweight or obese? Do you know when to be concerned about your child’s weight? Of course, all children gain weight as they grow older. But extra kilo’s – more than what’s needed to support their growth and development – can lead to childhood obesity. Not all children carrying extra weight are overweight or obese. Some children have larger than average body frames. Children normally carry different amounts of body fat at the various stages of development. So you might not know just by looking at your child if his/her weight is a health concern. One of the tools that we use to determine if your child is obese/overweight is the Body Mass Index (BMI) chart. By calculating your child’s BMI you will be able to determine where they fall on the BMI-for-age chart. Using the chart, your child’s BMI is compared to that of other children of the same sex and age. Cut-off points on these growth charts, help identify overweight and obese children. You can calculate your child’s Body Mass Index (BMI) for their age and gender by the following equation: Current weight (kg) ÷ (Height x Height) = BMI. E.g. 30kg ÷ (1.35 × 1.35) = 16.5 kg/m. Then plot the number you have obtained against your child’s age on the chart below. This will serve as an indication of their nutritional status i.e. if they are overweight or obese and is it important that a paediatric dietitian evaluate your child. Your dietitian can give you advice on your child’s specific dietary needs and help you to make sure that they are receiving a nutritionally adequate diet and one that is right for them, while losing weight. International cut-off points for body mass index for overweight and obesity by sex between 2 and 18 years (adapted from Cole et al., 2000) e (years) Overweight (kg/m) Obese (kg/m) Boys Girls Boys Girls 2 18.41 18.02 20.90 19.81 3 17.89 17.56 19.57 19.36 4 17.55 17.28 19.27 19.15 5 14.42 17.15 19.30 19.17 6 17.55 17.34 19.78 19.65 7 17.92 17.75 20.63 20.51 8 18.44 18.35 21.60 21.57 9 19.10 19.07 22.77 22.81 10 19.84 19.86 24 24.11 11 20.55 20.74 25.10 25.42 12 21.22 21.68 26.02 26.67 13 21.91 22.58 26.84 26.76 14 22.62 23.34 27.63 28.57 15 23.29 23.94 28.30 29.11 16 23.90 24.37 28.88 29.43 17 24.46 24.70 29.41 29.69 18 25 25 30 30 Middle circumference is another important tool that is used to determine your childs’ risk of developing disease e.g. diabetes or heart disease. If you are worried that your child is putting on too much

January 5, 2015

My Issues With Maternity Leave In South Africa

I have one month left at work until I have to go on maternity leave, I say have to because apparently I do not have a choice in the matter. Let me explain – like most of the companies in the fashion industry the company I work for has a shut-down period from 19 December 2014 until about 14 January 2015 in which we all have to take our annual leave that we have built up throughout the year, my plan was to work up until the last day when we would all break up (I would be 38 weeks pregnant). To me this meant more time with my baby after birth. I was however informed that, by law, I have to go on maternity leave at 36 weeks, that’s an entire month before my due date and means that I have only three months maternity leave left after my baby is born. The maternity leave issue has been bugging me for a while now. According to the Basic Employment Act, mothers are entitled to four consecutive months of maternity leave – first off, even if your maternity leave only kicks in after the birth of your baby, four months is not nearly enough time to bond with a newborn. Secondly, I am one of the many unlucky women who will not be receiving a salary from my company during this time. Luckily our baby was planned and we have been fortunate enough to make provisions, but it is still going to be a major financial setback for us. Many women cannot afford to not receive a salary for that amount of time and are thus forced to go back to work earlier. You can claim from UIF, but the amount you receive is nothing short of a joke… at least it is better than nothing I suppose. I have asked the opinions of a couple of South Africans through various social media network platforms as well as forums – most of the feedback is pretty much on par with how I feel, but some of the comments just blew my mind. According to Economist Dawie Roodt – longer maternity leave is not an option for South Africa. “The current duration is far too much already. When the politicians start to force the employer to keep a position open for a longer period for an employee, they are essentially penalizing and taxing the employer,” – I wonder if Mr Roodt has children, or how long his wife took maternity leave (if she works at all). He then went on to make the following statement – “When UIF is being paid out for a longer period, it means someone else is paying for you to be on maternity leave.” Okay, I understand, but I am paying for someone in Pollsmoore Prison to receive a meal and a bed every night for killing/raping/murdering/stealing or whatever. I am also paying for my president to build lavish homes(Nklandla) and for his wives to go on insane designer shopping sprees. I am paying towards a government that is crumbling and that has become a source of comic relief to us. Surely, paying me UIF is a small price to pay compared to all the money we fork out that seems to disappear into thin air. A senior policy consultant at the South African Chamber of Commerce and Industry, Pietman Roos, said if maternity leave was extended, employing women would be seen as a risk to companies. “It’s a cost factor. It would ultimately affect the chances of getting a job for all women,” he said. I’m sorry, does that not constitute as discrimination?? Why are we being punished for having babies? Many women referred to the Pick n Pay model which allows eleven months of maternity leave, nine of which are paid. The retailer gives fathers eight days’ paternity leave, even though labour legislation does not make specific allowance for leave for new fathers. If the mother and father both work at Pick n Pay, they can share the maternity leave. That is amazing – why did I not go work for them?? Makro is not far behind, offering employers nine months paid maternity leave. South Africa abides by the ILO Convention 183, which states that a woman is entitled to maternity leave of no less than 14 weeks, but the country has not taken up a recommendation to extend maternity leave to at least 18 weeks. Sweden is the most generous when it comes to parental leave – mothers and fathers can share 16 months at home with their baby. At least we are not in Tunisia, which offers the shortest maternity leave of just one month. In short: Issue #1: Four Months Is Not Enough Time Four months is not nearly enough time with your new baby, and it is definitely not enough time for your body to heal. It took about 2-years for my body to get back to normal after I had our daughter – I am not at all saying we need two years maternity leave, but you can imagine how much strain it will put on your body going back to work after just three/four months. Most moms suggested that six months would be sufficient time for them while others brought up the models of Canada and Sweden which allows parents to take up to a year maternity leave to be split between parents as they see fit. You also get those superhuman beings like Marissa Mayer, CEO of Yahoo who went back to work only two weeks after giving birth to her first child, but I am not going to give my personal opinion on that one. I feel like after four months you are just getting used to being a mom, and then you have to leave your baby and go to work… it is quite cruel. Needless to say, this becomes more tricky if you have a premature baby or if your baby is seriously ill. Issue #2: Breast Is Best? Our country goes above and beyond to promote breastfeeding for as long as possible and mothers are shamed and looked down upon for turning

December 15, 2014

Healthier Holidays: A time For Learning

Holidays and Christmas are upon us, which means our kids are hit with a double whammy of loads of free time combined with a glorious array of Christmas treats to indulge in. This is a valuable time to teach our little ones lifelong habits to keep a moderate, healthy, balanced diet even throughout the silly season – a time when even grow-ups tend to lose their heads about food and health! Firstly remember that this is a natural time for treats and indulgences. Creating rigid rules around how many mince pies or chocolate balls are allowed will only create a feeling of deprivation and may lead to food sneaking or overeating when at friends’ houses. Don’t create drama about the difference between “healthy” foods and “unhealthy” foods – quite simply, most kids don’t care, and this will only make those forbidden pleasures more enticing. Encourage the idea that all foods are equal, and cultivate a moderate intake of all sorts of foods: “Gingerbread men are a delicious part of Christmas and of course we will enjoy them, but turkey meat and roast vegetables and nuts are also delicious Christmas treats so let’s have some of them too!” Remember the great thing about kids is that they don’t yet have a preconceived idea of what a Christmas tradition is, so you can create your own and make healthier habits an exciting part of your family’s Christmas. Christmas cheer is about so much more than the food, so place great emphasis on non-food activities. You can even make a Christmas calendar with a different festive activity scheduled for each day: Putting up decorations together, singing along to Christmas Carols and attending Carols by Candlelight, Christmas treasure hunts, creating homemade gifts, enjoying crafts such as painting or clay with a Christmas theme, dressing up, going to see Christmas lights, reading the story of Jesus’ birth. Create your own advent calendar with healthier treats, or even include non-food surprises in the calendar such as a challenge for the day or small inexpensive gifts such as marbles or stickers. Put a Christmas spin on healthy foods and sell them as being just as exciting as the marzipan and chocolate: Have lunch as a “picnic” by the Christmas tree Use fruit pieces to create Christmas tree shapes Make treat bags as a craft project (using anything from Christmas gift wrap to fabric), and decorate them with a Christmas theme, then filling them with nuts, dried fruit or biltong as a Christmas snack every day Using Christmas cookie cutters to shape sandwiches, cheese slices or even to mould starches Putting red or green food colouring into otherwise white foods such as pasta or porridge (for the adventurous child and parent!) Getting the kids involved in choosing red and green foods for meals (e.g. tomato sauce on meat with broccoli) The best thing you can do for your little people during this season is model healthy food behaviours and create an environment that supports healthy behaviours. Don’t buy tins and tins of treats and then forbid everyone from touching them. Buy appropriate quantities – a small pudding for the family, a pack of 6 mince pies for a family of 6. If you buy a bigger quantity, or even better, if you are baking, take the excess and use it as a lesson the gift of giving – take your children to hand out treats at retirement homes, orphanages or a charity of your choice. Even driving about and giving Christmas treats at traffic lights or to neighbours can be a valuable lesson and will have the bonus of removing the foods from your home. Eat a healthy balanced diet throughout the season to model to your children a moderate way of enjoying Christmas foods, and avoid negative food talk such as “I shouldn’t have any more”, “I’m cheating on my diet” or “I’m being very naughty by having an extra slice of cake”. Remember: a neutral, moderate attitude to all foods is important for fostering healthy habits. In the meantime, use all this free time to go wild with lots of fun physical activity! Go for bike rides, walks, play games in the garden or games on your Wii. Create activities that will require movement such as scavenger hunts or decorating large areas. This will benefit you and your little people. Of course you can try healthier ways of preparing traditional Christmas foods, like baking a sugar free Christmas cake or gluten-free shortbread (no end of recipes for this online or in cook books). There is nothing wrong with trying this and it will benefit the whole family physically. However, it is more important to use this time to teach your children (and maybe some adults!) to exercise moderation and balance with eating, and to cultivate a healthy, happy and moderate relationship with all food ranging from carrots to cookies. This is a lesson they will benefit from for the rest of your lives. Have lots of fun during this special time with your children!

December 11, 2014

How to Work from Home with Kids

Thanks to the modern workforce, many employers allow some employees to work from home when circumstances exist, such as inclement weather, schools closed, illness and personal situations. When my children were very small, this opportunity wasn’t available to me. If I had car trouble, my kids were sick, or if I had a utility company coming to the house for a hook up, it usually meant using up sick or vacation time. If you’re a parent, with some planning and strategy, you can make working from home with kids way more effective. Here are 5 tips to help you make it happen. Special Toys. Is there something special that your children just love to play with, especially ones that keep them engaged for long periods of time without bothering you? Purchase them and set them aside as special toys that can be played with under special circumstances, such as when you have to work from home. Keeping them out of sight and out of reach create a reverence for them that will make them special and effective on days when you’re working from home. Segment The Day. Create blocks of time when your children can engage with you and those in which they can’t. Young children don’t really have a sense for the passing of time, unless they can see it. Purchase a visual timer from TimeTimer.com that allows you to set a big red timer clock so your kids can see how much time is left until they can speak to you. Create a visual schedule to go along with it, that will allow them to see when they have your attention and when they can’t. Family and Friends. Make use of those closest to you, who you trust. Barter with parents and others to come watch the kids during your busiest times, or to take them out to give you the peace and quiet you need. Return that favour to others when you can watch theirs. You’d be surprised how creative you can get when discussing bartering ideas with someone else. Digital Entertainment. Everyone knows that putting your kids in front of a movie can keep them engaged for quite a while. But because of new evidence surrounding the impacts of technology addiction, it’s not a good idea to allow your children to become glued to the television all day. Experts have found that small increments of digital entertainment are OK and should not exceed 30 – 60 minutes at a time. With this in mind, plan TV time for your children strategically for the segments in your day that you really need complete quiet, such as conference calls or content development. Extend Your Hours. Finally, knowing in advance that you may have to leave your computer to feed or spend time with your children, think outside of the 8 – 5 work day. Get some work time in, early in the morning before the kids wake up or even after hours when they are in bed.

December 9, 2014

The Birth of a Baby – What No One Really Tells You

When I first discovered that I was pregnant I went through the usual emotional reactions; excitement, fear, wonder, elation and dread. As with everyone first time mother who waited so long to fall pregnant I was obviously thankful and excited about the new journey I was about to embark. However, every positive thought is coupled with some very negative ones: What if I miscarry again? What if there is something wrong with the baby? What the hell am I doing? How am I going to get it out? I, like most pregnant women, had a very definite idea in my head of how I was going to give birth. I decided quite early on that I wanted to have a natural birth without any drugs. In fact, my first appointment with my doctor sparked off my seven month long investigation in how to have the prefect natural birth as my doctor (unlike many out there) was pro-natural. Each month I arrived at my check-up with a list of questions for my doctor as I had taken to reading as much literature as possible to ensure a smooth birth. Here are some of the “facts” : Exercise during your pregnancy. If you keep fit, you will not only stay healthy but it will make labour and birth much easier. I was running and road cycling before I feel pregnant and kept going with light spinning, 5km run/walks and water aerobics right through to 40 weeks. Just remember to not overdo it and don’t take suddenly go balls to the walls if you didn’t exercise before pregnancy Eat well. Maintaining a healthy diet is not only important to have a healthy baby, but it will help you keep off those extra kilos that you really don’t need. Don’t get me wrong, I still had a good supply of choccies on hand but I balanced it out with some decent food. As a result, I put on a smaller amount of weight compared to some of my counterparts Have a well-defined birth plan. I knew what I wanted and I ensured that my birthing team knew, too. Which leads me to my next point Surround yourself with a good birthing team. My hubby and I were on the same page. He knew my doctor and the two of them had a great relationship. We also chose to have a doula as part of our team. She provided support and wonderful massages prior to the birth and was there to support us when labour started right through to post-birth My doctor and I were on the same page but she always did mention that I should be open to the possibility of a C-section just in case. I did just that and sat through the C-section part of our ante-natal classes with minimum interest, but interest nonetheless. At this point I should mention why I didn’t want a C-section: I heard the recovery period is long and painful You have to rely on other people to drive you around for six weeks You have an unsightly scar You will always have belly afterwards due to weakened stomach muscles You have to have an epidural This last point was my biggest concern as I am not really a needle person at the best of times and seeing the C-section videos in the ante-natal class did not help my fears. I was even more determined to go au natural. As the weeks ticked by, everything was going smoothly. At around 32 weeks, the baby had turned and remained head down for the rest of my pregnancy. She was weighing in on the larger side but healthy and we were well on our way to the perfect birth. At 40 weeks (and in the height of a scorching Jozi Summer) I was given the news that this baby is BIG and also very comfortable in my belly. My doctor estimate that she was already 4.3kg and she was in no rush to “drop”, my cervix was also nowhere near ripening so natural birth was starting to look unrealistic. The doctor’s concerns were the size of the baby so she really didn’t want me going too far over my due date and that my blood pressure was started to rise. I still think that was due to the heat and the fact that she just mentioned C-section to me! We were then asked to pick a date during the course of the next week for the birth of our child. My doctor ensured us that she would do everything in her power to force a natural birth but we needed to be prepared. I gave myself exactly a week to do EVERYTHING within my power to get this kid out! My first call was to our faithful doula who rushed over and started with all her doula magic to get the kid to drop and come out: Essential oil cotton balls between my boobs Reflexology, the kind they tell you to avoid in case it induces contractions Spicy foods Long walks Chiropractic pelvic alignment Sex – ok my hubby helped with this one but it wasn’t pretty Nothing worked, this kid was comfortable. A week later, I went to the hospital with my labour bag, birthing ball, cooler-box, tens machine, hypo-birthing tracks, baby bag, hospital bag and daddy bag. My doctor checked my cervix which was still rock-hard and bless her heart she was still going induce me so I could feel labour. I declined. Instead of hours of painful and fruitless labour, I opted for the C-section. It was smooth, not nearly as frightening as I thought and quick. I had a beautiful, healthy baby girl weighing in at a whopping 3.85kgs. All my fears were forgotten and everything was as it should be. My advice to you is this: stop focusing on the birth, it will not go according to plan no matter how hard you try. If you have a great team of medical

December 5, 2014

Redefining Christmas

I’m all for redefining this whole Christmas thing. I think that over the years what was once a holiday of family and good food and religious traditions has simply become fuel for the economic machine. I always wonder at this time of year what it is that our children are learning from us. What are they learning about our culture? About love? About abundance or the lack of it? Everywhere I go at the moment I hear people complaining about the extra financial strains that they experience at this time of year. Why? Why would you create that for yourself and what is it that you are teaching your kids? The thing is that whatever we are teaching our kids now is creating the culture of the next generation, and if we really stopped to ask ourselves the question, would any of us actually want to place this same strain onto our kids when they grow up? What I would like for my kids is that they grow up believing that this is a time of year for celebrating our togetherness, for celebrating love and family and relaxation at the end of a successful and fulfilling year. I would like them to remember it as a time that is stress-free and fun; not as a time where their parents lose their sanity and place themselves in debt trying to buy more presents. Presents are generally forgotten about by the time Christmas comes around again anyway, but good memories aren’t. Let’s make this Christmas one of good memories and happy families, and let the presents become an added bonus and not the main feature. You can change Christmas, and like all things, it starts at home. Create your own personal definition of Christmas, one that is not dictated to you by billboards and commercials, and trust that you have a better idea of what will create good memories for your kids than the guys on TV do! Wishing you all a relaxing, abundant, and meaningful festive season.

December 4, 2014

The Unintended Comparisons We Make As Mothers

We are always told not to compare kids to each other, but forget that the same applies to ourselves. We are told not to worry that while your friend’s child is composing sonnets, yours can barely string two words together. You shouldn’t be overly concerned that your little one is bum scooting behind his running peers or that your niece can use chopsticks while your child hasn’t quite mastered the spoon. We know making comparisons is wrong, but what happens if the person you are comparing to others is yourself. I had my son a few months after my best friend had her twins, she was breast feeding two, while looking amazing (I swear she was in better shape than before the babies) and just seemed to have her ducks in a row. In a “routine, sleep at a certain time, eat your food and play together nicely” row. As the eldest of 13 grand children I thought my hundreds of hours of baby sitting would stand me in good stead and imagined I would have a similar row of ducks with my baby. My son however kicked all my ducks out of their proverbial row at birth already. He was born with problems breathing and was only allowed to go home with us after a stint in NICU. This meant I was not responsible for having him fall asleep those first two weeks, I just had to feed him and go – which messed with our bonding and didn’t make for the best routine. At home he needed to sleep at an angle because of severe reflux and breathing problems and having lost his brother to neonatal death the year before, I was a wreck. I literally didn’t sleep, I just watched him like a hawk. I caught up on a lot of reality TV around that time as I carefully monitored his breathing while his beautiful Moses basket went virtually untouched. There was a lot of crying… “He is colicky”, the doctor told me “You are quite bad at this mothering thing”, my mind told me. It didn’t help that I overheard a nurse say to another that I was not very confident with him. Eventually we got into a routine me and my little boy, my supportive husband in tow, but those ducks just never fell into formation like I had hoped. I was super freaked out, my kid wasn’t walking, sleeping or eating on schedule and judging by the moms in the mommy group , who seemed to have everything firmly under control, I was to blame. They never said anything, in fact they were/are super supportive, but I started comparing myself to them and driving myself batty. Compared to their kids he didn’t eat balanced enough meals, I failed to get him to sleep at 7.30PM, he walked late which must be because I put him in a walker and his vocabulary was lacking because I clearly didn’t speak to him enough. “I’m failing my child!!!”, are the words that ran through my mind. Not sure when the breakthrough came but I managed to pull myself towards myself – think it’s after I got a bit of a talking to from my husband. He reminded me that our son was an original and that I needed to start thinking of him like that. I needed to ditch some of the “expert advice” and listen to my heart. That is what I have been trying; being my own kind of mom instead of “the right kind”. Our 19-month-old chatter box doesn’t go to bed early. I did however manage to reign him in from his 12pm+ bedtime and he is now asleep by 9pm. Yes that’s late, but he sleeps through the night, goes to bed without a bottle and gets to spend time with his parents who get home from work late every night. He sleeps in a “big boy bed” and although I’ve been told by top sleep experts that my decision to put him there since around six months was not a good one, he no longer screams himself to sleep like he did in the crib and doesn’t endanger himself by trying to climb out. He doesn’t put himself to sleep though (part of why a sleep expert told me to put him back in his crib) instead my husband and I take turns to snuggle with him in bed, we read to him and pray with him and sneak out as he gets drowsy. I’m told this isn’t ideal but it works for us. He doesn’t eat proper “grown-up” food yet, the reflux has turned him into the pickiest eater ever, even though he doesn’t suffer anymore. He only eats a limited amount of things, this used to freak me out (okay it still does now and again – the kid has never ever had meat). But now I give him what he does eat, lots of fruit and crackers and veggie food pouches, while trying to introduce new things to him everyday, I even have a drawer of healthy snacks for home and school that I let him pick out of. Forcing him to eat what I want him to eat was making for a very bad situation, tears, screaming, food being thrown, and don’t even get me started on what he did. Now he gets to try our food every night, with a backup so I’m sure he doesn’t go to bed hungry. He even helps me prepare food for the family like salads which he merrily chomps on as we work. My son plays in the dirt (all the time), eats chocolate(despite my previous, no sweets rule), walks around barefoot, eats things from the floor and insists on fist bumping random people all the time. Oh, and did I mention he has a tendency to lay down wherever he is and make himself comfortable? He is not the neat, never naughty, sit in the corner and draw

December 3, 2014

You’re Not The Boss Of Me!

If you have a boss at the office, have you taken time to acknowledge him or her? When I worked in Corporate America, I use to flip this upside down. I would tell my staff that they were MY boss and that I worked for them. It was their job to tell me what they needed me to do for them so they could get the REAL work done. For me, home was no different. I might have been considered the head of household in some regards, if that title is still used, but my real bosses were my spouse and my children. I did the very best that I could to reinforce the facts that what THEY said and did were more important to me than my work. When the needs of my family were met first, I found myself more productive at the office. For example, my 16-year-old bonus (step) daughter recently announced that I talked too much about money and work at the dinner table. She said it was important to her to not hear about those topics and strongly requested that we talk about other things. She was right about that and she was right to draw that line. My wife then hung a sign in the dining room that talk of money and work were banned from that room. We also all agreed to NOT bring cell phones to the table. Have you ever heard your young child say “You’re not the boss of me?” That’s because crave power and want desperately to feel valuable to the family. But if they’re constantly being told what to do and when to do it, they will never feel like they have power. Here are six ideas for helping your kids feel like they are the boss of something, sometime: If your child corrects you, avoid getting defensive and thank them for bringing the correction to your attention. Create a rotation so that they can each have a turn leading the family meeting. Ask an older child to help you with the younger children, by reading to them, teaching them something, or taking some sort of leadership role as the oldest or older child. Allow your child to teach you how to do something they do well, such as drawing a picture, building with Legos, or make believe play. Let them lead the family on a shopping trip, giving them a list of items or pictures of objects to look for at the grocery store. Designate them as the baker in following a recipe (with your coaching) to make a simple fun desert. As a result, their need to feel valuable and powerful in the family will be satisfied and won’t get in the way when you need them to cooperate and listen. Can you add any others to this list? Email me your ideas to [email protected].

November 25, 2014

What Is Dyslexia Really? Part 2

Di dunia kini kita, tiap orang harus dapat membaca…. Unless one has FIRST learned to speak Bahasa Indonesia, there is no way that one would be able to read the above Indonesian sentence. This shows that language is at the very bottom of the reading ladder. Its role in reading can be compared to the role of running in the game of soccer, or ice-skating in the game of ice hockey. One cannot play soccer if one cannot run, and one cannot play ice hockey if one cannot skate. One cannot read a book in a language – and least of all write – unless one knows the particular language. If a child’s knowledge of English is poor, then his reading will also be poor. Evidence that links reading problems and language problems has been extensively presented in the literature. Research has, for example, shown that about 60 percent of dyslexics were late talkers. In order to prevent later reading problems, parents must therefore ensure that a child is exposed to sufficient opportunities to learn language. The second rung consists of cognitive skills While language skills comprise the first rung of the reading ladder, cognitive skills comprise the second. There is a whole conglomeration of cognitive skills that are foundational to reading and spelling. Attention “Everyone knows what attention is,” wrote William James in his Principles of Psychology (1890). “It is the taking of possession by the mind in clear and vivid form, of one out of what seem several simultaneously possible objects or trains of thought… It implies withdrawal from some things in order to deal effectively with others, and is a condition which has a real opposite in the confused, dazed, scatterbrained state.” Needless to say, attention or concentration (the words attention and concentration are used synonymously) plays a critical role in learning. Focussed attention is the behavioural and cognitive process of selectively concentrating on one aspect of the environment while ignoring other things, while sustained attention refers to the state in which attention must be maintained over time. Both are important foundational skills of reading. Because attention is so important for reading, ADHD and dyslexia commonly co-occur. Approximately 25 percent of children who are diagnosed with ADHD, a learning difficulty known to affect concentration, are also dyslexic. Visual perception Visual perception plays a significant role in school learning, particularly in reading. Visual perceptual deficit refers to a reduced ability to make sense of information taken in through the eyes. This is different from problems involving sight or sharpness of vision. Difficulties with visual perception affect how visual information is interpreted or processed. The person may have a difficulty to discriminate in terms of foreground-background, forms, size, and position in space. He may also be unable to synthesise and analyse. Foreground-background differentiation involves the ability to focus on selected objects and screen out or ignore the irrelevant ones. The child experiencing a difficulty in this area is unable to recognise an object which is surrounded by others. For example, the child cannot locate a ball in a picture of several toys, or a word in a word-find puzzle. Form discrimination: Whether it is to differentiate a circle from a square, or the letter B from P, the ability to perceive the shapes of objects and pictures is an important skill for the developing child to acquire. There is hardly an academic activity that does not require the child to engage in form discrimination. The most obvious classroom activity requiring the child to discriminate forms is that of reading. The learning of the letters of the alphabet, syllables, and words will undoubtedly be impeded if there is difficulty in perceiving the form of the letters, syllables, and words. That the discrimination of letters is a crucial skill in the early stages of reading is evidenced by an extensive literature review conducted by Chall (1967). She concluded that the letter knowledge of young children is a better predictor of early reading ability than the various tests of intelligence and language ability. Size discrimination: Capital letters, being used at the start of a sentence, sometimes look exactly the same as their lowercase counterparts, and must therefore be discriminated mainly with regard to size. A person who is unable to interpret size may, for example, find it difficult to distinguish between a capital letter C and a lowercase c. Spatial relations refer to the position of objects in space. It also refers to the ability to accurately perceive objects in space with reference to other objects. A person with a spatial problem may find it difficult to distinguish letters like b, d, p, and q. Synthesis and analysis: Synthesis refers to the ability to perceive individual parts as a whole, while analysis refers to perceiving the whole in its individual parts. Synthesis plays an important role in reading, whereas analysis is of special importance in spelling. Auditory perception Myklebust defines auditory perception as the ability to “structure the auditory world and select those sounds which are immediately pertinent to adjustment.” Berry and Eisenson state that children with auditory perceptual deficits can hear sounds but are unable to recognise them for meaning. Defined as the ability to recognise or interpret what is heard, auditory perception plays as important a role as visual perception in reading. Problems with auditory perception generally correspond to those in the visual area and are presented under the following components: Auditory foreground-background differentiation refers to the ability to select and attend to relevant auditory stimuli and ignore the irrelevant. The child who has a difficulty in this area is unable to make such differentiation. As a consequence, everything heard is attended to equally. Thus, the teacher’s voice is lost in the background noises of other children’s whispers, or the voices in the corridor, or the traffic sounds coming from the street. Auditory discrimination refers to the ability to hear similarities and differences between sounds. The child who has a problem in this area is unable to identify gross

November 18, 2014

Top 5 Parenting Tips For a Peaceful Home

Every morning you wake up early and leap straight into the usual routine – fighting with children to get them out of bed, dressed in school uniform, hair brushed, lunches made, homework in school bags, vitamins taken (and so on and so on). Of course this is all done at break neck speed or else you’ll all be late for school and work. After a hard day at the office, you’re greeted by your energetic bundle of joy who has more energy than you can even remember having. Although you’d love to spend some quality time with your child, you’re tired and would far prefer to put your feet up with a nice hot cup of tea. Within half an hour of walking through the door, youthful exuberance has turned into exhausting hyperactivity, and you’re in a power struggle with your child to get homework done, baths completed, teeth brushed, stories read and everyone into bed at a reasonable hour. You finally win the battle and manage to put your feet up for a short while before collapsing into bed yourself – only to start the cycle all over again the following morning with a brief respite over the weekend. By this time of year, most parents are even more burnout and frazzled than normal and are usually exceptionally tired of this routine. If this sounds vaguely familiar, then read on to find out five top tips for creating peace and order in your home – enabling you to play with your child AND have some time out for yourself. The Importance of Routine and Planning: No Surprises You might feel as though your life is mundane and boring and that you do the same activities day in and day out. However, it is possible that your life and that of your children may lack a structured routine. When people get very busy they tend to confront tasks as they arise, rather than planning ahead and sticking to a schedule. One very easy way of adding some peace and order to your family’s life is to start structuring your family’s days in a more regular way. In this manner, both you and your child will know ahead of time what is expected of you, and there will be less room for surprises – and therefore less room for crises. Consistency is Key: Mean What You Say We’ve all heard parents making threats that they have no intention of keeping. Children are very insightful and can usually tell when an adult is making an idle threat. The consequence of this is that your child may not take you as seriously as you would like them to, and they might quickly learn that they can get away with a fair amount of undesirable behaviour. It is therefore important that if you give your child a consequence for undesirable behaviour (for example, “if you don’t do your homework, you may not watch your favourite TV program tonight”), that you follow through with this. This teaches your child that there are consequences for negative behaviour. Significantly, this will also teach your child that you can be trusted. Whilst it is important to carry through with your threats, it is equally important to respond to inappropriate or undesirable behaviour in a similar way each time. Children become confused if they are allowed to do something one day but not the next. This confusion can even be quite frightening for them, and children who are able to predict their parents’ behaviour feel a lot more secure and less anxious. Positive Reinforcement: Praise is More Effective Than Punishment Sometimes it can be easy to get into a negative cycle of using frequent punishment for unwelcome behaviour. This is especially true when you are stressed and tired. Whilst there is a time and a place for appropriate punishment, children generally respond a lot better to encouragement than they do to moaning. We often notice bad behaviour more than we notice good behaviour and it is a great idea to pay close attention to the times when your child is behaving in a positive way. By doing this, you will be able to acknowledge good behaviour in your child when it occurs. For instance, rather than moaning at your child for making a noise, praise them the next time that they are quietly sitting drawing a picture. It is important that you are not vague when telling your child what you expect of them. For example, rather than telling your child to be ‘good’, tell them what you actually want of them, such as ‘say please’ or ‘do not hit me’. If there are specific (target) behaviours that you would like to see more of in your child (for example, brushing teeth without being told to; using the toilet independently; getting into bed without making a fuss), then a good way to encourage these behaviours is by rewarding your child when these behaviours occur. Natural Consequences: Allow Children to Learn Their Own Lessons Although it can be hard to watch your child fail, it can be a very effective option to allow your child to experience the natural consequences of his or her behaviour. Rather than argue with your child over every matter, make your child aware of the consequences of his or her behaviour and then let him or her experience it. This obviously does not apply to situations where your child might come to some harm if you were to let his or her behaviour go unchecked. Not only will this teach your child to be internally responsible for monitoring his or her behaviour (as opposed to relying solely on other people), but it means that you do not need to spend the energy trying to control every aspect of your child’s day. In this way, you will have more energy to engage in positive activities with your child. Punishment: The Last Resort It has already been suggested that praise and encouragement is more useful than

November 14, 2014

Should You Let Your Child Play Minecraft?

A client of mine asked me what I thought about her child playing Minecraft on the family computer. She said he is constantly begging her to let him play and complains that all of his friends are playing it. This child’s school is even dabbling with allowing the kids to use it in the classroom. My simple answer was YES, but it comes with a more complex HOW and WHEN to let him play it. Let me explain in more detail. What is it? Minecraft is an interesting and time-consuming game that was created in 2011 by an independent company Mojang, a Swedish software developer. In September of this year, the company was purchased by Microsoft for $2.5 million. The developers also released another game called Scrolls. This first person, sandbox type of game has few rules, no story line, and allows users to create items and buildings from resources they find around them. It is an open-ended, exploration type of game that also has monsters the users can fight using swords and bows. This game is a bit primitive from a graphics standpoint and there is no blood and gore. Many have referred to it as a Legos-type video game. The Positives Kids who play this game develop problem-solving and design-thinking skills. They learn creative thinking, geometry and even a little geology as they create imaginative block structures and collaborate with others in building structures and communities. With this game, they can use their imagination to build and show off their digital creations. Experts suggest that children be 11 years of age and older, yet many parents believe that children as young as 8 years can master it and learn. The Drawbacks Parents need to know that this game is part of a large online community, hosted by private, adult-run servers that are not moderated in any way. This means that your child can be contacted by adult strangers online through chat conversations, who play the game and participate. Other risks include your child being exposed to adult-natured conversations, profanity, and sexually oriented objects or digital images (for example, phallic-shaped buildings). Precautions Many parents will think that the benefits to their child of allowing them to play, outweigh the risks if some rules and boundaries are set in place. Here are some suggestions if you decide to allow your child to play Minecraft. Locate a common-use computer in a well-traveled area of your home where your child can play the game. This will allow you and other adults to “check in” and observe your child as they play. Ban all computers from bedrooms of children and younger teens. Limit your child’s play of Minecraft to 30 – 60 minutes on weekdays and no more than 2 hours on weekend days. Setting these limits will keep time on the game in perspective with the rest of your child’s world, and make more time for active play, reading, homework and family time. Engage your child in conversation about the game and their experiences often. Invite them to show you what they are building and consider participating with them on some level, especially if they are under the age of 11. Finally, get to know the parents of your child’s friends they visit for playtime in their homes. Find out what supervision and computer access your child may have there when they visit and play.

November 13, 2014

What Is Dyslexia Really? Part 1

The term dyslexia was coined from the Greek words dys, meaning ill or difficult, and lexis, meaning word. Spelling and writing, due to their close relationship with reading, are usually also included. According to popular belief dyslexia is a neurological disorder in the brain that causes information to be processed and interpreted differently, resulting in reading difficulties. Historically, the dyslexia label has been assigned to learners who are bright, even verbally articulate, but who struggle with reading; in short, whose high IQs mismatch their low reading scores. When children are not as bright, their reading troubles have been chalked up to their general intellectual limitations. What does it look and sound like? One of the most obvious tell-tale signs is reversals. People with this kind of problem often confuse letters like b and d, either when reading or when writing, or they sometimes read (or write) words like “rat” for “tar,” or “won” for “now.” Another sure sign is elisions – that is when a person sometimes reads or writes “cat” when the word is actually “cart.” The person may read very slowly and hesitantly, read without fluency, word by word, or may constantly lose his place, thereby leaving out whole chunks or reading the same passage twice. The person may try to sound out the letters of the word, but then be unable to say the correct word. For example, he may sound the letters “c-a-t” but then say “cold.” He may read or write the letters of a word in the wrong order, like “left” for “felt,” or the syllables in the wrong order, like “emeny” for “enemy,” or words in the wrong order, like “are there” for “there are.” He may spell words as they sound, for example “rite” for “right.” He may read with poor comprehension, or it may be that he remembers little of what he reads. The person may have a poor and/or slow handwriting. Some misconceptions Because of the erroneous belief that the brain cannot change, it was historically believed that dyslexia is “incurable”: “Dyslexia is like alcoholism … it can never be cured” (Clark, M., & Gosnell, M., “Dealing with dyslexia,” Newsweek, 22 March 1982, 55-56.) Advocacy groups, in the rush to generate public awareness for the condition of dyslexia, with the cooperation of a compliant media, have perpetuated the belief that a host of famous individuals such as Albert Einstein, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Edison, Walt Disney, Winston Churchill and Hans Christian Andersen were dyslexic. The folk myth – the “affliction of the geniuses” – continues to be spread despite the fact that knowledge of the definition of dyslexia and the reading of any standard biographies would immediately reveal the inaccuracy of many such claims. For example, as educational psychologist Dr Coles points out, Einstein’s reading of Kant and Darwin at age thirteen is hardly representative of individuals who are currently labelled dyslexic. New technology sheds new light By the turn of this century, the advancement in technology has made it possible for scientists to see inside the brain, resulting in the knowledge that the brain is plastic. New connections can form and the internal structure of the existing synapses can change. New neurons, also called nerve cells, are constantly being born, particularly in the learning and memory centres. A person who becomes an expert in a specific domain, will have growth in the areas of the brain that are involved with their particular skill. Even if the left hemisphere of a person’s brain is severely injured (in 95% of people the left hemisphere controls the capacity to understand and generate language), the right side of the brain can take over some language functions. With fMRI-scans et cetera it has now been confirmed that – as was always suspected – there are indeed differences between the brains of dyslexic persons and good readers. More and more research studies, however, suggest that the cause-effect relationship should be reversed, i.e. that these differences might not be the cause, but the effect of the reading difficulty. Using brain imaging scans, neuroscientist John D. E. Gabrieli at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have found that there was no difference between the way poor readers with or without dyslexia think while reading. The study conducted by Dr Gabrieli involved 131 children, aged 7 to 16. Following a simple reading test and an IQ measure, each child was assigned to one of three groups: typical readers with typical IQs, poor readers with typical IQs, and poor readers with low IQs. During the test, researchers used functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to observe the activity in six brain regions identified as being important in connecting print and sound. The results indicated that poor readers of all IQ levels showed significantly less brain activity in the six observed areas than typical readers. But there was no difference in the brains of the poor readers, regardless of their IQs. Another study, published online in the Journal of Neuroscience, researchers analysed the brains of children with dyslexia and compared them with two other groups of children: an age-matched group without dyslexia and a group of younger children who had the same reading level as the children with dyslexia. Although the children with dyslexia had less grey matter than age-matched children without dyslexia, they had the same amount of grey matter as the younger children at the same reading level. Lead author Anthony Krafnick said this suggests that the anatomical differences reported in left-hemisphere language-processing regions of the brain appear to be a consequence of reading experience as opposed to a cause of dyslexia. One must also consider that neurological differences do not equal neurological disorders and disabilities. We now also know that there are differences between the brains of people who can juggle and people who cannot juggle, between the brains of people who can play a musical instrument and people who cannot play a musical instrument. Then logically there will be differences between the brains of people who read

November 13, 2014

The Mythical Day- Stay At Home Dad

I have read so many blog posts and articles lately about the life of stay at home mums that I actually began to wonder if stay at home dads exist. Do we fall into the category of mythical creatures such as the Abominable Snowman or the Loch Ness monster? Historically dads worked and mums looks after the kids. Woman now make up just under half of our workforce. This requires a relook at our “traditional roles” and from my perspective an honest review of which parent is better able to provide the traditional support provided by mums. I for one have taken note of the increased father activity with regard to kids during normal business hours. A couple months ago I had to take Tarini (my 3 year old daughter) to doctor at 11am in the morning. A huge smile crept up on my face when I noticed that there were five other parents there with their kids and all of the parents were dads! This week I had a morning meeting in a coffee shop and noticed about seven dads in the mall with their kids. So why is it that we never hear about these dads? Is it that there are only a few of us around like the famed Stradivarius violins? Something so rare and precious that their wives do not want share them with the rest of world? Or is it that the number of stay at home dads is on the rise and we are too embarrassed to mention our roles and that we just go about our day to day activities in a less vocal way than mums? There has also been an evolution from a stay at home dad to a work from home dad. I have personally been through this. After 13 years in corporate I decided to be a stay at home dad. My primary and only responsibility was attending to my kids (feeding and dressing them, school runs, extra mural activities, playing with them and teaching them) and seeing to the running of our home. I then decided to start my own business and this started my transformation from a stay at home dad to a work from home dad. And I think that most of the dads these days fall into the latter category. Being a work from home dad requires a few essential skills and these are some that I have acquired along the way: Be organised. Something as simple as a doctor’s visit or getting ready for school may require the military planning and precision needed for World War 3. The ability to multi-task (being able to have a business meeting, do the grocery shopping and pick up the kids from school and prepare a snack for them all within 2 hours) Have an endless supply of patience. You WILL pour and drink 30 cups of imaginary tea and build and knock down that wooden block tower at least 20 times. Be prepared for long working hours as you do not knock off at 5 and you also never leave the office. If you run your own business, you will be retreating to your second office after the kids go to sleep. You have to put your childrens needs above your own. That’s the main reason you decided to do it. You will find yourself reheating that cup of coffee for the sixth time before eventually drinking it cold. For me the advantages of being a work from home dad certainly outweigh the disadvantages. The disadvantages can pull you into a black hole that is very difficult to get out of. Feeling isolated from the outside world, having conversations about Princess Sophia and Jake the Neverland Pirate instead of sports and cars, never being able to have time off during the day even if you are sick and a routine at home that becomes so automated that you don’t even know which day of the week it is anymore. The advantages (and there are tons of them) make it all worthwhile. Being there to see your kids grow, learn and develop their individual personalities is an amazing thing. The added advantage of not being constricted to offices hours and managing your time accordingly can turn a good weather day into an unexpected adventure for the kids with a surprise outing to the park or story time at the local library. Being a work from home dad is hard work. Most of friends and family do not believe me when I say that I have not put my feet up and watched TV during the day since I started my new adventure almost 20 months ago. There are days when my wife gets home from work and I look as if I am about to burst into tears with CV in hand to apply for a job to get back into the corporate world. But being a work from home dad has given me precious time with my kids and is something I would not trade for the world.

November 10, 2014

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