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Advice from the experts

Insane Parenting

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results” – Albert Einstein. There are times in parenting when predictability is useful. When children see that certain behaviours always produce the same results they are less and less likely to try to push the proverbial envelope. They get it. X=Y. There are, however, also times when predictability is downright counter productive. We all know those moments where we have tried the same thing over and over and it never has any effect (or not the desired effect anyway). You see, the person with the greatest range of behavior always controls the situation. We’re stupid like this sometimes, us parents. We’ve had 30 or 40 years of conditioning making us quite predictable in our behaviours, quite limited in our scope, quite easy to read and to manipulate. Kids learn fast. They’ve also had a lot less time to limit their range of behaviours and possibilities. They see when something is not working and try another approach. And then another. And then another. And then another. If we don’t have as many responses in our parenting arsenal, guess who wins?! Sometimes in parenting, it is useful for us to step outside of our boxes – to do something unexpected and unpredictable and out of character. We need to expand our repertoire of behavior, step out of our conditioning and do something surprising and unusual. I’ll give you an example. When my daughter was about 4 years’ old I decided I had had enough of the ongoing tantrums. She’s a very strong-willed child and easily frustrated when she doesn’t get her way. We all know that point when a child’s whine is about to escalate. That is the moment to act. So before she could launch herself properly into her tantrum, I threw myself down on the floor, kicking and screaming and wailing and had my own tantrum! She got such a fright that she just sat there and stared at me… And then went on about her day. The great thing was that the next time she was about to throw a tantrum, she got to that exact same point and then it was like her brain did a little freeze-frame and she stopped, looked around at me, and gave up on the tantrum. In coaching, we call this a ‘pattern interrupt’. It means that we literally interrupt the conditioned pathway in the brain by doing something shocking or surprising before the pattern can play itself out. It works. But you need to act at the beginning of the behavior and you need to commit to going all the way! Now I’m not saying that you should do this for every tantrum. There are times when a child is just tired, or has had too much sugar, or is genuinely upset. But for those times where they are simply playing out a conditioned pattern, it can help to ditch a bit of your own conditioning and have some fun!

May 7, 2015

One Easy Way to Stop Complaints and Whining

It can be incredibly difficult to hear your child complain when you do so much for her. And then you think back to the little you may have had as a child and then feel this immense surge of resentment when your child complains about what you’ve fixed for dinner. Or it may be why he can’t have an iPhone, what one of her friends has that she wants, having to pick up her toys, or hundreds of other things they object to. One reason some children may do this is because it works; there may have been times in the past when he or she complained and because you were feeling stressed and annoyed, you may have just caved in and completed the task for her or let him have something else for dinner. Remember, children learn from experience on what works and what doesn’t, at getting their way. It doesn’t mean they are awful children or ungrateful. They just do things to get what they want, including getting out of having to follow through on things. And even though you may have experienced a hard childhood, your children just don’t care. You can lecture them all you want about what life was like for you, but if they haven’t experienced it, then they don’t get it. Two powerful words I encourage you to add to your vocabulary and to practice often when a child complains or whines is “I KNOW.” Silly sounding I’m sure, but I challenge you to try it out. And when you say these two words, say them with a calm, relaxed and almost sympathetic tone. Don’t snap the words and don’t shout them, just a calm and lazy, “I know.” No matter how ridiculous your child’s complaint sounds, avoid the urge to argue with them, convince them, or come across as demanding. When you hear, “We always have to eat broccoli,” avoid the urge to tell him how healthy broccoli is or how there are starving children in foreign countries; there’s a good chance they aren’t going to listen to you at that moment. If your teen says, “I think it’s stupid that I have to come in by 9:00 PM on a weekend,” you’re going to say, “I know.” Finally, something interesting may occur when saying these two words. After you’ve grown accustomed to using them frequently, some children and teens will actually resist your calm and sympathetic demeanor. Most of my kids and my step kids eventually responded by saying, “Stop saying that, I hate hearing those words!” I would then calmly say, “I know,” and they would run screaming from the room, covering their ears! It became a new “parent power” I never realized I possessed! I was able to stop the whining with very few words or energy. I’m not recommending that you annoy your children, I’m simply asking you to consider being consistent. You may then find that the whining stops because they don’t want to hear you say, “I know.”

April 29, 2015

Time to get my Sexy Back!

My life has changed completely since having children. Some of it has been quite shocking, like my boobs that look more like bananas than the “melons” I used to have. Yes some of it is age as I am heading towards 36 years old, but the changes since I had children have been huge. I take off my bra and these boobs take a plunge. Probably the only reason they don’t hit my knees and bounce back up is because my bulging stomach keeps them in place! But it is so much more than a flabby, stretch-marked stomach and saggy boobs that has happened in the last few years. I used to take care of myself and feel good about myself (and I had plenty of time to do that). Mornings now consist of breastfeeding, packing lunches, changing nappies, brushing babies teeth and wiping bums. I find everyone by the door ready to go on time, all scrubbed up, looking smart and ready for the day and I look down at myself in horror and realise I have about 30 seconds to do my hair, get dressed, wash my face and brush my teeth. The days of getting myself ready and spending time deciding what I am going to wear are long gone. I now pull on my trusty jeans, a pair of flat shoes and the closest relatively clean top. As long as my clothing doesn’t have poop or puke on it that fits the requirements for the day. I arrive at the creche looking like a dogs breakfast and see all the other moms dropping their kids off looking like they have just stepped out of a salon and I wonder how on earth they do it? I don’t know if other moms are the same, but when my 1st baby was 2 months old I realised I had been wearing my PJ’s every day, yes I washed them but I didn’t bother getting dressed every morning because I was just so tired and spent all my time breastfeeding and lying on the bed with my baby. I didn’t know it at the time but I am sure I had PND. When I realised I was only managing to brush my teeth at 11am every day and only put clothes on if someone was coming to visit I made a conscious effort to get up every morning, get dressed and washed immediately. And it was an effort for me. After the birth of my 2nd baby I made sure that from day 1 I got up and dressed for the day immediately. BC (before children) every week I would have a bath night that would consist of washing, conditioning and treating my hair, shaving (yes everywhere not just a rush armpit job!), a facial etc. I would then blow dry my hair nicely, lather myself in some lekker cream and I was ready for the week ahead. This is a thing of the past. If I get in the bath now I fall asleep within minutes. I wake up in a cold bath, wrinkled like a prune, hair not washed, still hairy as a baboon and freezing cold. I jump out, dry myself and climb into bed. Not very productive but at least I catch up on a bit of sleep behind closed doors where nobody can disturb me. I want my sexy back! I have never been a sexy, model type but I did feel good about myself and look groomed and smart when I went out. The focus of my life has turned completely towards my kids and my husband. I have not bought any new clothing for myself since the children arrived and I find myself looking grubby and worn on a constant basis. 2015 is going to be a year of change for me. I am going to work on fitness, health and looking after myself again. I am going to get some sexy new underwear, pull out all my high heels, blow dry my hair and put some make up on. I challenge any mom that is feeling the same to join me in a mission to Get Our Sexy Back!

April 27, 2015

The Myth of The Happy Family

Your family is dysfunctional. I know you were hoping that if you just used the power of your mind or the power of positive thinking or the power of a decent spanking that it would come right. Or perhaps if you attended another inspirational seminar, read another parenting manual or engaged a few more childhood demons with your therapist. It won’t work. Your family will never be at peace. That’s the bad news. The good news is that everyone else’s family is dysfunctional too. When you look over at Mrs. Jones and think that she’s got it all sorted– that everyone in her home is always kind and loving and supportive and everything flows and nobody fights – it is an illusion (or a really good cover up). It is time to shatter this fantasy of the happy family so that you can get on with living a less than perfect, but real (and fulfilling) life and you can stop judging yourself by unattainable standards. Every family is ‘dysfunctional’. Every family has problems. Every family is made up of human beings who have all traits – the desirable and the undesirable, the hostile and the hospitable, the helpful and the hurtful. Every family has both war and peace. If you look carefully you’ll find the beauty in this. Families, like life, contain a perfect balance of good and bad, elation and despair, order and chaos. Take any moment in your day and look at how effectively you are balancing each other out – the parents are fighting and the kids are getting along well; one parent is screaming at a child and the other parent is protecting them; one child is cooperating and listening and the other is rebelling and ignoring. Show me the storm and I’ll find you the calm. Show me the calm and I’ll guarantee you a storm! Each evening, before I go to sleep, I write in a little notebook beside my bed. I take note of everything I am grateful for in the day, and I also jot down the synchronicities I have observed. I look at things that have challenged me and see what was supporting me at that same moment; I observe the fights that have emerged and where the concurrent peace lay; I find out who was up and who was down at the same moments throughout the day. If you take some time to see the balance always playing out in your family, you will be humbled by the perfection inherent in it. You will also stop labeling the war/fights/challenge/rebellion/chaos as bad and stop labeling the peace/playing/support/cooperation/order as good. All parts are necessary. In fact, growth occurs at the border of support and challenge. Both are essential. Both are what make a family enriching to all members. So would you even want a happy, peaceful family if it meant no growth for your children or yourself? We all need to be challenged, to have our buttons pushed, to have a touch of tumult in order to mature and thrive and make the most of our short time on this planet. Our families are there to provide the fertile ground for growth and development. And we all know what fertile ground is full of! Stop searching for the impossible and embrace what is. Your family, with its blend of war and peace, is a perfect interplay of opposites provided for your evolution and forward momentum. Love all sides and accept all traits. Embrace both the war and the peace and then you will stop reaching for the fantasy of a ‘happy family’ and love the reality of your family exactly as it is. Your family is dysfunctional, and dysfunctional is precisely as it should be.

April 24, 2015

Hurt Children… Hurt Children

What has always interested me most about bullying is who is bullying the bully? Bullying is never just a cut and dried case of this child here is the bully and that child there is the victim. In fact, it is very much a group dynamic. In 90% of cases of bullying you will find other children either standing by and not doing anything to help the ‘victim’ or actively participating in the bullying along with the ‘ringleader’ of the problem. And in almost all cases you will find that the one leading the bullying has also been bullied, either at school by other kids at a different time, or by a parent or teacher or other adult in their lives. Hurt children hurt children. Because this is a group dynamic and involves so many levels of victimhood, it is best dealt with as a group. One of the best examples that I have seen of this working effectively was a documentary I watched on a Japanese school teacher. In every case of bullying he halted all his lessons and brought in a group intervention. Every child in the class was expected to participate and they focused on how each one was feeling. He looked at how the victim felt having been bullied, how those watching or participating felt, how the bully felt about doing the bullying and about hearing how the victim felt. He got the bullies to think back to a time when they had been treated like the victim and how they felt then. He got the kids to dig really deep about what was going on and the causes for their own behaviour. He got the group to find group cohesion again – to find unity as a class so that no-one was an outsider worthy of being treated differently. He helped them to find that place where we are all human and we all share a common humanity through the way that we feel. Hurt children hurt children. When their pain is heard and acknowledged it is more likely to heal. It was moving to watch and reminded me of a similar intervention process that was introduced years ago to Australian prisons. In this case the criminals and their victims (or families of the victims in the case where the victim had been killed) met for mediated sessions where the victims could explain to the criminals how their actions had affected them and in all the ways that their lives had been upset; the emotional and physical and financial implications etc. And the criminals were given the opportunity to give their side of the story – what their life had been like to bring them to the point of that crime. It was incredible to see the level of healing and the amazing results the prison system had with reducing recidivism. Hurt people hurt people. If we can get behind the hurt, then instead of just punishing the offenders and consoling the victims, we can start a dialogue of change and reconciliation. We may even find victims comforting the bullies. It has been known to happen. Is this not a more healing and ultimately more sustainable solution to this very human problem? Hurt children (and adults) hurt because they don’t have the skills or understanding to work through their own pain and past experiences. What they need is guidance, from someone who has the relevant skills, the patience and the understanding to see the situation from a greater perspective. Bullies and victims don’t need to be removed from each other, but brought together. With love and guidance. Without such intervention we create yet another cycle of pain. The chances of a victim becoming a bully in another situation or time are high. Hurt children hurt children. I would like to see teachers and support staff trained in mediation and this becoming a standard part of school life. I think every class could halt their lessons of maths, language and sciences to take a day here and there to teach these essential life skills. We need to remind our children about the power of their shared humanity. I’m sure we can turn this around. I’m also sure that healed children will heal children.

April 23, 2015

The Benefits Of Learning Sight Words

“One of the most important ways for a beginner reader to become a fluent reader is to be able to read & recognize sight words” What are sight words? Sight words refer to the words that are most frequently used and repeated in books. Emerging readers need to be able to identify words automatically (sight words) and have effective strategies for decoding unknown words (the reading toolbox). What are the benefits of a child learning sight words? Sight word recognition builds confidence When a child is able to recognise over half the words in a sentence their confidence starts to soar. Sight word recognition improves fluency When a child is able to recognise over half the words in a sentence their reading fluency improves. Sight word recognition assists the decoding process Once a child can recognise many sight words they can spend energy on decoding the more difficult words using their ‘reading toolbox’. Sight words are not easy to phonetically decode Some sight words are not phonetically regular and it is better for a child to memorise these words to aid reading fluency and pronunciation. The following 11 sight words appear frequently in sentences and are phonetically irregular – ‘the’ ‘of’ ‘a’ ‘to’ ‘you’ ’was’ ‘on’ ‘are’ ‘they’ ‘have’ ‘from’. Sight words benefit second language learners. The more sight words an English second language learner knows the better their reading chances. How does a child learn sight words? Sight word retention requires practise and repetition. The best way to achieve this without boring a young child is through games and sensory play. It’s repetition using diversity.

April 21, 2015

Give Your Kids THIS, NOT THAT!

If you have attended any of my local workshops or have read any of my content, you know that I’m usually preaching that parents must take charge of their kids use of technology and the Internet. But what sometimes gets missed in my messages is that there are certain things our kids DO need and others they DON’T. One thing that leads parents to not withholding technology, devices and the Internet is their fear that their kids will be left out and fall behind in the digital age. Some even fear that their kids will lose friends or get bullied if they aren’t online and interacting with their peers. So, to help parents get it all straight, here are some guidelines on what our children and young teens should be allowed to have and what they shouldn’t. Keep in mind that these are guidelines are not set in stone as some families and situations may require specific modifications. GIVE YOUR KIDS THIS: A Computer Keyboarding skills are critical for school age children and a centrally located family computer for your kids and young teens to use is important. It should be set up with a set of rules and limitations on use. The parent should have a discussion on those rules before turning the child loose. They should include a rule on when it can be used, when it should be turned off, and what it can be used for. Parents also reserve the right to look over the child’s shoulder, monitor activity and check out the history from time to time. NOT THAT: A Smart Phone (or a Cell Phone Too Early) No child needs an iPhone or Droid in their pocket. Give them one is like giving them an unmonitored computer whenever they want it use it. For those seeking guidelines, if you really think your child needs a hand-held device, children under 13 should not have a cell phone and those under 16 should not have a smart phone. For parents who ignore these guidelines, then at the very least, they should consider monitoring their child’s activity on the device to keep them safe. GIVE YOUR KIDS THIS: Software Knowing how to use software programs such as Power Point, Word, Excel and event Minecraft will help your child go a long way in their education and experience. Many entry level jobs require these technology skills. They also engage your child’s creativity and imagination. But like anything else, all good things should be used in moderation. NOT THAT: Social Media Just because your kids want a Snapchat or Instagram account, doesn’t mean you should allow them to have one. The use of these apps for social media requires skills our children have not yet developed, such as knowing what information not to share online, knowing who to trust, discerning between a quiz, an advertisement, or a scam, how to protect their privacy, and even how to block, delete, and report predators. Yes, our children are young digital natives but that doesn’t mean they should have access to everything, anytime they want it. It is our job to keep them safe, to minimize their exposure to digital media, and to teach them delayed gratification. According to Dr. David Greenfield at the Center for Technology Addiction in Hartford, CT, technology in any form, for children and adults, should be monitored, managed, and minimized.

April 17, 2015

Autistic Spectrum Disorders In Children

Autistic Spectrum Disorder is essentially an umbrella term that incorporates Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome. Autistic Spectrum Disorder is not a psychological disorder but rather as a result of diverse biochemical causes affecting the functioning of the brain and therefore is classified as a neurodevelopmental disorder. Autistic Spectrum Disorder affects children in three different areas known as “The Triad of Impairments”. Communication/Speech and Language Social Interaction Thinking and Behaviour Children with Autistic Spectrum Disorder can fall on a continuum with regard to their intelligence. In addition, autistic spectrum disorders are complex in that children are affected differently. Thus two children with the same diagnosis may present with different behaviours, abilities, symptoms and struggles. Therefore, whilst any child with this disorder has problems to some extent, (with social skills, communication and behaviour), no child will be exactly the same. What are the types of autistic spectrum disorders? Autism Asperger’s Syndrome Pervasive Developmental Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS) There are two other disorders but are not as common as the aforementioned (Childhood Disintegrative Disorder and Rett Syndrome). Since the Autism Spectrum Disorders share many similar symptoms, it may be impossible to distinguish one from the other, especially in a child’s early life. However, many would manifest the following symptoms: Difficulties in Social Interaction: Very limited interest or awareness in other people, or sharing interests and accomplishments (such as looking to see if mum or dad has seen them succeed in something like stacking blocks on top of each other or showing parents a drawing or pointing to a dog etc.) Lack of understanding or cognisance of other people’s feelings Limited or absent ability to make appropriate social contact, in other words the child won’t approach others or may prefer to be alone and can therefore appear to be aloof or disinterested In less severe cases the youngsters may accept social contact, for example if another youngster wants to play with them, however is unlikely to make spontaneous approaches and prefers to play alone Difficulty with making friends and/or maintaining friendships Difficulties in Communication/Speech and Language: Delays in speech Limited reaction to verbal participation from others and may come across as having hearing difficulties Absent or unusual facial expressions or gestures Difficulty initiating or maintaining conversations Tone of speech is unusual, typically flat and monotonous or inappropriate variations in tone or with an unusual rhythm or pitch Repetition of words, questions and phrases, as well as words and phrases being used incorrectly as well as endless monologues about their special interests May have difficulty understanding statements or questions May be too literal, and can miss irony, humour or any abstract communication Disruptions in Thinking and Behaviour: Imaginative play is limited or absent, for example, will have difficulty “pretending” a block is a telephone and has generally restricted ability to engage in other imaginative activities Engages in certain activities repetitively and cannot be persuaded by alternative suggestions Unusual habits such as rocking, spinning toys, arranging toys in lines etc. A need for rigid adherence to routines, structures and order and can get very unsettled by changes to their routine or environment Clumsiness or an unusual posture Furthermore, it is likely that other signs will be noted as well such as: No eye contact (or very limited) Sensory processing difficulties Fearless of activities or acts that are deemed dangerous Self-injury such as hitting head etc. Difficulty regulating their emotions or expressing their feelings appropriately Although there is no cure for Autistic Spectrum Disorders, it is possible to help the individual to manage their symptoms in order to optimize their functioning. If you are concerned about your child displaying some of the symptoms contact a professional that deals with the disorders for a comprehensive evaluation. The professionals who are involved in the diagnosis and the treatment of a child with Autistic Spectrum Disorders include: Child Psychologists; Child Psychiatrists; Speech and Language Therapists; Physiotherapists; Occupational Therapists; Audiologists; Paediatric Neurologists and Developmental Paediatricians and Remedial Therapists.

April 13, 2015

The Art Of Listening To Your Child

Listening to your child is an invaluable skill that forms part of your child’s social, emotional and life skills. This allows them to have a holistic and healthy development in their early years. There are a few questions around listening that will help you understand more about listening: Does your child hear or listen? Does your child just “hear” or are they listening? What is your understanding of the concept to listen? These are essential to your understanding of listening so that you can you’re your child learn effective listening skills. Hearing or Listening: Hearing is the ability to use our ears to hear different sounds whilst listening is far more complicated. Listening is the ability to give meaning to the sounds we hear through speech. Listening is more than just listening to sounds it is our ability to interpret those sounds to give the meaning so that we can comprehend them and responded appropriately. This means that when we listen we use our minds (the ability to think). This means that we use skills such as understanding, comprehending and interpreting information. Conversations and Listening: Listening is essential to having a healthy conversation. Communication is based on the two individuals listening to each other and expressing themselves. The speaker creates and sparks thoughts in the listener’s mind. This inspires them to think and respond in the correct manner. This again links back to the ability to understand emotions/feelings and having the appropriate behaviour to express the feelings. This ability to think and listen must allow the person to create a sense of empathy and understanding of with the other person they are communicating. “Active Listening”: “Active” listening is difficult. You can be tired or over stressed and not able to focus but for children this everyday activity is challenging. Active listening means the child must pay attention to the information being said (at school it may be a task, directions or instructions), then remember the information in a sequenced and detailed manner so that they can do the instructions, directions or task as required. This is an intensive pattern to follow and sometimes the information is just too much for the child to retain. Tips to helping your child: Keep instructions and information being relayed short and simple – level appropriate for your child – and slowly develop their listening ability Be patient and take time Ask your child to repeat back to you what you have said – see if they have understood you correctly – it is best to let them use their own words (it is easy to repeat directly what you have said without understanding) Speak slowly and clearly Occasionally, when speaking add in more information or new a word – see if they have understood and whether they are ready to progress with their “active” listening skills. Did you know that active listening can become a positive everyday habit? A few more steps to help you teach your child to develop this skill: Use eye contact to ensure they are really listening to you Build on memory skills by playing memory games such as learning rhymes , stories and songs and playing visual memory games – matching cards – (whilst applying words to their actions during the game) Ask your child to tell you what they are doing – make sure that they use simple sentences and that the sentences match their actions (this also develops speech and sequencing skills). Use an expressive voice (when reading and when speaking to your child) Discuss emotions “you must be very frustrated as you do not want to go to bed”. By discussing emotions you are helping your child build a vocabulary to express their feelings. Practice (learning new “sounds”, “spelling”, etc:) – it is important to revise these even when the child has finished them at school or has mastered the skills Learning new vocabulary: each day learn a new word, a week later repeat the new word again. Explain the word, use it everyday language (you use and ask your child to use it). Have vocabulary weekly chart where the child can see the new words – if your child is unable to read them – then still post them up in large print and say the words with them every day These are just some of the things you can do to develop your child’s “active” listening skills and help it become a positive everyday habit – Remember it is important to continue to do these steps on a regular basis.

April 10, 2015

The Beggar Dilemma

It’s a lovely day and you’re cruising along with your windows open, enjoying the light summer breeze, when you spot a beggar at the traffic light you’re coming up to. What do you do? Quickly roll your window up? Put on your sunglasses? Pretend to be in-depth in conversation on your phone? Most of us have absolutely no idea how to deal with this daily dilemma and even less of an idea what to teach our kids. My philosophy is this… Every single human being is of value, just by the fact that they are alive. They should be acknowledged as such and treated with respect. I have spent enough time coaching, and before that doing trauma counseling (and working at the time with a number of homeless people at our drop-in centre), to know that behind every face is an incredible story. And once you know enough stories, you are unlikely to judge. Does this mean that I give every beggar some spare change? Absolutely not. There is nothing empowering about a hand-out and we already have an over-developed culture of entitlement in this country. With regards to beggars (and car guards for that matter) what I teach my kids is this: Let your money go where your energy flows. Spend your money on things and people that lift your spirit. If someone begging at the traffic lights brings a smile to my face by a funny sign that they’ve really thought about, or by entertaining people while they wait for the lights to change, or is friendly and chatty without giving me the “woe is me” long version, then I’m happy to pop them some change. I’m not even adverse to handing out a R100 note if I feel inspired by someone who is really making an effort to help themselves and is positive and friendly and not pandering to my guilt. Teach your kids never to spend their money to alleviate guilt. It’s a bottomless pit. Deal with your guilt and let it go, or use this energy to do something that is actually useful… travel equipped with some useful information (local homeless shelters, who to contact to sell the Homeless Talk, contact details for the Twilight Children) or start a soup kitchen, grow a pavement vegetable garden, teach someone a marketable skill, support local trade. Whatever you do, leave your window down, smile, and acknowledge the human being that stands before you, a real person with a story that you will never truly be able to fathom. In this way you teach your children love over fear, respect over hostility, and kindness over hatred. And be grateful to that person for giving you the opportunity to give your kids these lifelong gifts!

April 9, 2015

Learning Difficulties Linked To Headaches

It is the start of the school year and many children are refreshed after the summer holidays. Unfortunately some children are frustrated by learning difficulties or Attention Deficient Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). A recent study found something noteworthy: There is an association between headache diagnosis and school achievements. The study, published in Pediatric Nursing, found that learning disabilities and ADHD are more common in children and adolescents who are referred for neurological assessment due to primary headaches than is described in the general pediatric population. Dr. Elliot Shevel, a South African migraine surgery pioneer and the medical director of The Headache Clinic, says the research shows poor to average school academic performance were more prevalent among children with headaches. “We should look deeper at poor performance. It might be more complicated than parents think,” says Shevel. A retrospective review of medical records of children and adolescents who presented with headache to outpatient pediatric neurology clinics during a one year period was done. Demographics, Headache type, attention deficit disorder (ADHD), learning disabilities and academic achievements were assessed. A total of 243 patients met the inclusion criteria and were assessed: 135 (55.6%) females and 108 (44.4%) males. 44% were diagnosed with migraine (35.8% of the males and 64.2% of the females), 47.7% were diagnosed with tension type headache (50.4% of the males and 49.6% of the females). Among patients presenting with headache for the first time, 24% were formerly diagnosed with learning disabilities and 28% were diagnosed with ADHD. When to see a doctor It is crucial that if your headaches persist, you should get to the root of the problem. The longer the headache persists, the more damage will be done to the underlying structures. “A multidisciplinary assessment will need to be done,” is Shevel’s advice. Contact The Headache Clinic for help in this regard.

April 8, 2015

The Benefits Of Multi-Sensory Learning

As human beings we rely heavily on our senses to process information. If children use more than one sense when they are playing and engaging with materials they will grasp and retain the concepts being learnt quicker and more easily. In other words young children learn best if they are feeling, seeing, hearing, touching and moving. Using multiple senses allows more cognitive connections and associations to be made with a concept. This means it is more easily accessible to a child as there are more ways the information can be triggered and retrieved from their cognitive learning centre in the brain. Children have different learning styles. There are 3 different types of learners: Visual learners and like bright colours, graphic organisers, highlighting material and fancy pens to scribble with. Auditory learners do well listening to material presented audibly. Kinesthetic learners need to be moving around as they learn – bouncing on the trampoline as they recite their times table, sitting on a pilates ball at a desk to do homework, throwing the ball at a target as they recite spelling words. The movement (no matter how incremental) helps them concentrate and learn. For very young children (under age 8), who have not established their learning style yet, it is important to use a multisensory experience to help children remember and retain information more effectively. The Raising Readers sensory kits were designed by Marian Bailey, a Remedial Therapist & Mom with just that principle in mind. Get in touch with Raising Readers by visiting their website – click here

April 3, 2015

Cathay Pacific’s Top Tips For Travelling With Children

As families prepare to board their flights for local and international holidays during the Easter period, Cathay Pacific offers some advice and helpful tips when travelling with children. “Travelling with a small child on a long haul flight may seem like a daunting experience, but if time is spent preparing yourself and your family ahead of your departure, the journey can be less stressful and more manageable for parents,” says Rakesh Raicar, Country Manager, Cathay Pacific, Southern Africa and Indian Ocean. “Time spent with family is precious, and every second counts when the family is together. No one wants their holiday time restricted due to careless planning or an oversight that could have been avoided. Plan an overseas trip well in advance, and don’t avoid preparations for the time you’ll spend on the ground before your flight, and for the flight itself.” First and foremost, remember that from June 2015, the South African authorities require any adults travelling with minor children to present an unabridged birth certificate for each child, in addition to their passport and other standard travel documents. Keep all your travel documents in one place for easy access. Make sure that you are familiar with the latest hand luggage restrictions at South African airports: Carry-on bag and 1 slim-line laptop bag per economy class passenger No bag should exceed these dimensions: 56cm x 36cm x 23cm Weight limit per bag: 7kg. Hand luggage which exceeds the dimensions mentioned above will have to be checked-in. This could delay you so make sure you abide by the new regulations to avoid a frustrating travel experience. Please note that a woman’s handbag and man’s satchel are exempt from the regulations. Little people love feeling like grownups, so let them pack their own bag (with your supervision) to take on the plane. The bag could hold a few of their favourite toys, as well as a change of clothing, freeing up some space in your own carry-on bag. Try to check in online 48 hours prior to your departure, as this will save you time when you arrive at the airport and will allow you more time to get your children prepared to board the plane. Make sure you pack enough food and snacks to keep your children fed between meal times on the flight. However, Cathay Pacific flights carry a wide range of baby food that is suitable for all ages, so you don’t need to bring a full set of meals for your little one when travelling. You can also order a special meal for your little one 24 hours before your flight with Cathay Pacific. Pack and label any medication that your child requires, and take along a mild analgesic to treat fevers in an emergency. Other basic medical supplies you should take with you include plasters, an antihistamine ointment to treat stings or bites, and a thermometer. If your child has a serious allergy, travel with a card that specifies the allergy in the language of your destination, what they are allergic to and how serious the allergy is. While babies under two years old share a seat with their parents, you can book a bassinet in advance. These are comfortable for babies up to the age of six months, keeping them strapped in safely while they – and you – get some sleep on an overnight flight. If you’re travelling with a toddler, remember that you can keep your pram with you until you board the plane, then ground staff will take it from you to load in the hold. This means that you can still push your little person around the airport between check-in and boarding, saving you from carrying them (or chasing them) around the terminal. If your little one needs to take a break and run around the terminal while you’re waiting to connect to your next flight, write your phone number on their arm so that you can be reached if they slip out of your sight. Some duty free shops may sell a device that clips onto their shoe, leaving a remote tracker in your hands. You can then sound an alarm if you lose track of your child, making it easy to find them. Check with your airline if you can take your regular car seat onto the plane, to add to your child’s in-flight comfort. Cathay Pacific welcomes forward-facing car seats that have a well-defined shell structure and a single three-point harness on many of its flights. This is great news if you’re going to need a car seat when you reach your destination, as you won’t have to hire one from your car-hire company. Take a pack of wet-wipes with you whenever you travel, even if you don’t have children in nappies – they’re great for cleaning up spills, wiping sticky hands and sweaty brows, whether you’re on a plane or out sightseeing. Zip-lock bags are also a great secret for keeping mobile phones safe from rain, for re-packing snacks on day-trips out, and for storing travel-size quantities of toiletry necessities like cotton buds and hair bands. Cathay Pacific has a children’s channel as part of their in-flight entertainment, but there is also a wide variety of tablet computer applications available for children of all ages. While unlimited screen-time is never advised, it’s ok to bend the rules on long-haul flights a little, to keep little ones entertained.

April 1, 2015

School Holidays Don’t Have To Be A Complete Circus!

School’s out and without their usual after-school play dates, sports and activities, how are your kids going to beat the boredom and stay active? Easy, Virgin Active is introducing circus themed activities these Easter holidays. This fun holiday programme will ensure your child is both mentally and physically stimulated. The philosophy behind the successful Club-V and Club-V Max facilities at Virgin Active Health Clubs is that active minds and active bodies translate into happy children. “For Club-V we’ve created a 3-hour programme designed for children ages 3 – 7. We’ll keep them busy with awesome activities, from creative arts, crafts and colouring in activities, to games to get your kids moving and having buckets of fun,” says Catherine Coupar, National Junior Member Manager of Virgin Active. “For Club-V Max (children ages 3 – 13), kids can look forward to 4 hours of fun that balances mental and physical stimulation.” Why it’s important to get kids to move more Although screen time and technology is an essential part of being a kid in 2015 and beyond an important part of having a well rounded lifestyle is to take some ‘time out’ from sitting at a screen and get active and moving. It’s vital to interact with others, play and exercise … here’s why: Helps to develop strong muscles and bones Controls their weight Lowers their chances of developing type 2 diabetes and other chronic diseases Helps them sleep better Gives them more confidence and a better outlook on life Makes them more mentally alert and improves their likelihood of being academically motivated and successful. ‘Being at the Circus’ activities will be held daily from April 7 to 10 but, in addition to this, Virgin Active is hosting a special family class on 11 April. It’s the ideal way for moms, dads and kids to spend time together … whether it is an exercise class such as KAOS, TwentyFour Family or a fun Twisty Tales activity, there’s nothing better than getting active as a family. Booking for the ‘circus’ holiday camp experience is essential and on a first come, first served basis, so if you are Virgin Active members, sign your kids up at Club-V or Club-V Max, or chat to a Club-V team member for more information. Club-V and Club-V Max Virgin Active offers two ‘kids’ clubs: Club-V (6 weeks-7 years) and Club V-Max (6 weeks-13 years) which are dedicated indoor play and activity areas, essentially a ‘mini-club within a club’. The aim is to take a holistic look at keeping children aged up to 13, entertained and active through creative, fun, interactive programmes designed specifically for different stages of their development. The staff are fully trained in early childhood development and have paediatric first aid training. Check your local club for details on www. virginactive.co.za

March 31, 2015

Understanding Temperament

Temperament is defined as an individual’s behavioural style and characteristic way of responding. Therefore, it is how the child, adolescent or adult usually acts and consists of a variety of traits. Parents all over the world will have noticed that, if they have several children, each child is “different”. The differences are usually attributed to the child’s temperament (which some people also refer to as their “personality”). Researchers have paid particular attention to babies where they have noticed that some infants are born with certain characteristics, for instance, some babies are more active and constantly move their little bodies, whilst others are tranquil and yet others explore their environment at great length. In addition, some babies respond warmly to people whilst others fret and fuss. In essence, the suggestion is that individuals are born with a certain temperament which stays relatively the same throughout their lives. Psychiatrists, Stella Thomas and Alexander Chess, believe that there are three basic clusters of temperament namely “easy”, “difficult” and “slow to warm up”. An “easy” baby is generally in a positive mood, establishes regular routines and adapts easily to new experiences. A “difficult” baby has a predisposition to react negatively and cries frequently. Routines that are supposed to be consistent are irregular and the “difficult” baby usually accepts new experiences gradually. A “slow-to-warm up” baby has a low activity level and can be somewhat negative. Low intensity of mood is also common and their ability to adapt is lowered. Various dimensions make up these three basic clusters of temperament namely: Activity level (the degree of energy and/or movement for example, the difference between a child who is constantly on the go, fidgets and squirms in comparison to the child who is able to sit for long periods of time without complaining). Approach or Withdrawal (how new people are approached and situations are managed for example, whether a child is eager to try new things and make new friends or is there a tendency for the child to be cautions and taking their time to warm up to new people). Adaptability to change (the ease to which the child tolerates changes to routines, in other words is the child flexible with the ability to “go with the flow” and is not bothered by changes to his/her routines in comparison to the child who thrives on routine and who would be likely to get distressed when there are changes to his/her routines). Predominant quality of mood (the degree to which the child’s moods and general disposition are either positive or negative, namely are they optimists or pessimists. The child with the positive mood is likely to laugh and smile more readily and easily than the child with the negative mood who is more is likely to cry, whine and complain). Distractibility/Attention Span/Persistence (the degree to which a child can be distracted, for example, is the child easily distracted by many things in his/her environment or is the child able to focus. Persistence implies whether a child perseveres with a task or has a tendency to give up easily). Rhythmicity (the regularity of eating, sleeping etc., therefore does the child have a biological rhythm that is regular and predictable or not). Sensitivity to stimuli (the degree to which a child is sensitive or not. For example is the child sensitive to noise, bright lights, clothing labels and so forth or is he/she able to easily ignore external stimuli). Intensity (the degree to which mood is expressed when happy, unhappy etc. Some children display their emotions without hesitation in other words everybody will know that the child is sad or happy and they will have no difficulty crying in-front of the whole class whilst other children are thoughtful and mild and tend to keep their feelings “inside”). Thomas and Chess further believe that temperament is a stable characteristic of newborns that comes to be shaped and modified by the child’s later experiences in later life. Why is important to take cognisance of children’s temperament? When you take your child to a child psychologist they will probably ask you ‘how your child is like’, in other words what their temperament is. This has a variety of implications for play therapy and parental guidance. The child psychologist will usually work with what suits the individual child and help him or her with the coping resources which will be the most effective for his/her temperament. The child psychologist also works with the parents’ temperament in order to facilitate discipline difficulties etc. Thus, a child who for example falls in the category of expressing their emotions intensely like crying hysterically over something perceived to be relatively small will have different needs to the child who is anxious when meeting new people. How parents and other caregivers react to the aforementioned scenarios will also have implications for the child. In addition, being cognisant of a child’s temperament is also very important when they have to undergo an educational or developmental assessment by a psychologist. Children for example, who are naturally busy (the level of activity) and are very curious (distractibility/attention span) are sometimes diagnosed as having a disorder such as ADD/ADHD when in fact those characteristics are merely part of their temperament. If parents are aware of their child’s temperament they can provide activities that work with their child’s temperament which they will enjoy. A child can also be disciplined in ways that “fit” his/her nature. It is also important for teachers and other caregivers to understand a child’s temperament so that their learning is facilitated by what suits them. Temperament affects all aspects of a child’s life such as how they learn, how they play and how they interact with others and should never be overlooked. Sandton Psychology Centre offers numerous psychological services for children. All assessments are covered including school readiness, educational and developmental evaluations. A career assessment was especially designed for adolescents and adults by the Centre’s Counselling Psychologist, Deane Sutic. Play therapy/child counselling is also offered by our

March 31, 2015

The Effects Of Trauma On Children

Unfortunately, trauma is an all too common occurrence in South Africa. Trauma has many different guises and can encompass anything from criminal occurrences (such as muggings, hi-jackings, smash and grabs, house robberies etc.), natural disasters (floods, etc.) or any other unexpected event (such as witnessing or experiencing abuse, being involved in a motor vehicle accident, divorce of parents, having a family member that is ill, etc.). In addition, some children can also experience a secondary traumatization when their school peers for example, undergo a traumatic experience and re-tell the event. If parents are concerned that their child has undergone a trauma they need to be aware of some of the possible signs and symptoms of trauma: Anxiety, manifested by excessive worries and fears especially about the safety of significant others and themselves; Mood changes, such as irritability and whining; Behavioural changes, such as decreased levels of concentration and attention, withdrawal, aggression and over-activity which can adversely affect school performance; Somatic complaints, such as headaches and stomach aches etc.; Increased talk and awareness regarding death and dying; Sensitivity or a startled response to various sounds and noises; Talking about the traumatic event repeatedly as well as recreating the event via play; Regression in younger children, such as ‘wanting to be a baby’ and not performing age appropriate tasks that they were completing before such as eating by themselves, sleeping in their own beds etc. Adverse impact on issues of trust, security and safety; Symptoms of depression, such as lack of interest in usual activities and changes in sleep or appetite and withdrawal; Anger, as well as hateful statements; and Avoidance of people, places, or situations that remind them of the traumatic event. Not all children will experience trauma in the exact same way as well as manifest all the above symptoms as not all circumstances are the same for every child. In addition, children have different personalities and temperaments which affects the way they experience a traumatic event (for example, an anxious child may react differently to a laid back child if they were to experience the same trauma). Moreover, trauma can be subjective in that what is traumatic for one child may not be perceived in the same way by another child, or indeed an adult). If you are concerned about your child with regard to a trauma consult with a child psychologist who will determine the best course of action, such as play therapy or parental guidance to help you assist your child.

March 27, 2015

ADHD And The Foods We Eat

ADHD: The most common childhood disease ADHD is the most commonly diagnosed childhood disease and is said to affect approximately 10% of the South African population. It could be present from birth (often not recognised) or early childhood and usually persists into adulthood. It is often undiagnosed in adult, which is an unfortunate oversight, since appropriate treatment helps control symptoms and improves quality of life. The term ADHD denotes Attention Deficit Disorder with &/or without hyperactivity & has been used to describe both ADD and ADHD as well as all aspects of the condition more accurately. ADHD is a chronic condition of the brain that makes it hard for those affected to control their behaviour. According to the American National Institute of Mental Health, two to three times more boys than girls are affected by the disorder and the reason for this is uncertain. Problems generally associated with ADHD include inattention, hyperactivity and impulsive behaviour. This can affects nearly all aspects of life. How can I tell if my child has ADHD? Most specialists believe that a child shouldn’t receive a diagnosis of ADHD unless the core symptoms of ADHD appear early in life and create significant problems at home and at school on an ongoing basis. Ideally ADHD should be assessed and diagnosed by a multi-disciplinary team. As there is no proven diagnostic test for ADHD at this time, a clinical diagnosis is usually made by a paediatrician based on specific criteria. It is a process that involves several steps and it requires information on behaviour. Information is required form parents, teachers, carers, health professionals for an official diagnosis to be made. In most children with ADHD, a diagnosis are made from the age of 5 – 7 years (formative school-going age), although some of the symptoms could be present from birth. These symptoms must significantly affect a child’s ability to function in at least two areas of life – typically at school and at home. It is important that the symptoms, be present for a period of more than six months in all situations. This helps ensure that the problem isn’t with only a particular teacher or with their parents. Most children with ADHD don’t have all the signs and symptoms of the disorder, and they may be different in boys and girls. Boys are often more likely to be hyperactive and girls tend to be inattentive. In addition, girls who have trouble paying attention often daydream, but inattentive boys are more likely to play or fiddle aimlessly. Boys also tend to be less compliant with teachers and other adults, so their behaviour is often more conspicuous. What causes ADHD? Parents often blame themselves when a child has been diagnosed with ADHD. However, the cause of ADHD is at present still unknown. Experts are investigating a number of genetic and environmental causative factors – some of these theories have led to dead ends, some to exciting new avenues: Altered brain function & anatomy: There is an imbalance of certain neurotransmitters or poor nerve communication and transport in certain parts of the brain. Genetics (70-80% of cases): There is great deal of evidence that ADHD runs in families and if one person in a family is diagnosed with ADHD there is a 25-35% probability that another family member also has ADHD. Exposure to toxins such as cigarettes and alcohol during pregnancy, high levels of lead in the bodies of children. Brain injury: only small percentage of children with ADHD has been found to have suffered from traumatic brain injury. There is no clear answer! What we do know is that ADHD is a condition of the brain, likely caused by unknown factors which influence nerve communication and transport in certain parts of the brain, which has a strong genetic basis. Common misconceptions: Food additives and sugar has long been controversial. Some research suggests that artificial colourings and preservatives may be associated with hyperactivity in children. But an association is not the same as a proven “cause-effect” relationship. There is no proof that food additives cause ADHD. Poor parenting, family problems, excessive TV watching, poor teachers and schools, food allergies or excessive sugar intake are not thought to cause ADHD. These environmental factors may contribute and worsen ADHD symptoms though but are not the cause. How is ADHD treated? Optimal treatment is still a matter of debate and every family wants to determine what treatments will be the most effective. It is thought that lifestyle can either reduce or strongly exaggerate symptoms of ADHD. Clinical experience has shown that the most effective treatment for ADHD is a combination of: Medication, when necessary Dietary intervention The correct supplementation of vitamins and minerals Exercise Therapy and counselling to learn coping skills and adaptive behaviours Medication There is a wide range of medications available, the most common being Ritalin, Dexedrine, Adderall, Concerta. Medication does not cure ADHD. The role of medication is to control the symptoms when taken and works effectively in 70% of ADHD cases. Each medication has its negatives. The most likely side-effects include reduced appetite, corresponding weight loss, headaches, nervousness, irritability, tummy aches, nausea & vomiting, sleep disturbances. It is found that 30% of cases don’t respond or do not tolerate prescribed medication for ADHD. In these cases there is no other option then to opt for dietary treatment. Diet and ADHD Each child requires an individual approach. Helping a child with ADHD is like trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle. Puzzle pieces might include low iron status, poor diet, essential fatty acid deficiencies, magnesium deficiency, zinc deficiency, sensitivity to food stuffs such as artificial colourants, flavourants and preservatives. Remember each child is a unique puzzle with different puzzle pieces. It is therefore essential to consult a dietitian specialising in the field. Diet in itself does not cause ADHD but can worsen the symptoms. Diet modification however does play a major role in the management of ADHD and the associated symptoms. When dietary changes are made the results could

March 26, 2015

Values, Discipline & Respectful Communication

Every child, just like every adult has a set of values, a hierarchy of things that are from most to least important to them. With children under 10, their highest value will usually have something to do with play, although this will differ from child to child. For example, one may like playing with dinosaurs and another with dolls and another may like playing ball games. Once they reach the 10-20 age range their values will normally shift to be around socialising, and again specific to each individual child. Every one of us, regardless of our age is inspired to do things linked to our highest values. These are the things that we don’t need to be motivated from outside to do – that we just do without being reminded, they are the things that we enjoy, that give us energy, that we do with enthusiasm. We also feel heard, understood and loved when someone else acknowledges our values, and we feel hurt, misunderstood and unloved when our values are challenged. Most of what parents call disciplining their children is trying to get the kids to live within their values, not understanding that a child has their own set of values that do not necessarily match those of the parent. Every person has a set of values that are fingerprint specific to them, so your child’s values, even if similar to yours, will never be exactly the same. Now, I’m not talking about values as in social idealisms, like honesty or trust or dependability. I’m talking about things that are genuinely important to you in your life as it currently stands. So, a mother may have her children as her highest priority, followed by her career and then socialising. The father may have finances, then spirituality and then knowledge as his priorities. And each child will have their own list of things that are important to them. If we understand and respect each other’s values, instead of trying to force our own onto the other members of the family, then we open up a new level of communication and respect where discipline can be completely redefined. We will never need to bribe or punish a child to do or not do something if they can see how doing or not doing it is helping them to fulfil their highest values. For example, my daughter has dinosaurs as her highest value. She is intrinsically inspired to learn about, read about and play with dinosaurs. So if I want her to come and bath (I have a higher value on cleanliness than she does) then instead of fighting with her and insisting that bathing is good for her because I say it is (imposing my values into her) I simply say, “Hey Kai, I heard a rumour that there are some glow in the dark dinosaurs getting up to no good in the tub, just waiting for you to come and play with them”. You can spend an hour of shouting and bribing and insisting that a child get in the bath when they don’t want to, or you can appeal to their values and have them actually enjoy doing what you want them to do. It is worth finding out what your children’s values are, as you will need to communicate differently with every child as every child is a unique individual with a unique set of values. Respect their values, link what’s important to you to what’s important to them and you have respectful communication rather than discipline.

March 19, 2015

Your Guide To Making Blended Families Work

Do you fear that you’ve become the evil step-monster? It’s so easy to feel like that, especially with blended families becoming the societal norm. Telling a child what to do, especially when they are not your own, can be tricky business. Yes, children are the gifts that keep giving, but let’s not joke: they can also be crafty little critters and can sometimes put serious strain on a marriage. When two families come together, things don’t often run smoothly. Between children resisting change, the parents trying to accommodate different personalities and rotating between two different households at any given time, things can become extremely rough. Some things you may consider when trying to blend families: Planning for your blended family: Everything needs planning – absolutely everything. When you and your partner decide to merge your two families, keep in mind that things don’t always go smoothly. Respect is earned, not demanded. Step-sibling relationships can be particularly sticky, especially when alliances are formed. Plan for bonding sessions and make your new family get to know each other. Lay foundations and set boundaries: Children do best when routine is not disrupted. To this end, one should strive to keep life as normal as possible, and this is done by laying foundations and setting boundaries. Remember that too much change at once can unsettle children. Find ways that all of you can maintain your routines. Don’t allow ultimatums or manipulation to happen, as this is a dangerous foundation to lay. Conversely, don’t be too harsh – after all, the “you’re not my real mom” argument is infamous for a reason. Also try to limit expectations – you shouldn’t expect to fall in love with other children instantly (and vice versa). These things take time. Keep all parents involved at all times: So as not to “step on anyone’s toes” you should strive to maintain a good relationship with your ex, and encourage your new partner to do the same. Ex spouses respect being kept in the loop when it comes to their children, and the kids benefit when there is no animosity between the various parents. In some cases, this can certainly be a very difficult thing to maintain, but civility is free. Court battles, on the other hand, are not. According to helpguide.org, the following should be observed: Listen respectfully to one another Address conflict positively Establish an open and non-judgmental atmosphere Do things together – games, sports, activities Show affection to one another comfortably If you are struggling to keep the family together, it may be a good idea to consult with a professional and get some advice on a way forward. It’s not always easy to keep everyone happy, and sometimes you just need a bit of assistance. If a child is expressing particularly excessive anger towards a parent or step parent, if favouring starts to happen and alliances get formed, or members of the family openly avoid each other, seek advice from a psychologist dealing with family matters.

March 13, 2015

Crying Through The Ages

Newborn The newborn baby is typically much calmer and cries less than you would expect. Many parents are surprised that their baby does not scream at birth but rather makes quieter sounds and has a period of relative calm. Your hormones released in the birth process and the natural birth process itself results in a calm alert baby on the day he is born. Even after the initial 24 hours, the new baby is only really likely to cry when hungry, which once the milk comes in can be as often as two hourly or may be spread out to closer to four hours. It is important in the early days to feed your newborn on cue as this will not only settle him but also encourages your milk supply. The other time newborns cry is when being changed and bathed. Both changing and bathing result in feeling the cold air and new touch sensations, which can be disconcerting for the new baby. If a newborn (0-2 week old) cries a lot, it is important to have him checked by a doctor or clinic sister as this is typically a period of relative calm, which we call the honeymoon period. Most babies do not cry extensively during the early days. 2 weeks -3 Months At around the two week mark, many babies become unsettled and begin to fuss more than during the honeymoon period. This is completely normal and in fact the ‘crying curve’ is well documented. This curve shows that babies begin to cry seemingly without reason at around 2 weeks old and by 12 weeks old this crying has almost entirely abated. This unexplained early baby crying peaks at about 6 weeks of age. Traditionally called colic, we now know that in fact this crying has nothing to do with the digestive system and remedies for tummy ailments make as much difference as sugar water. (St. James) Even if your baby tucks his legs up or kicks and screams for an extended period of time, you can rest assured that almost every crying baby of this age is healthy and normal. Colic is caused by over stimulation. Being alive in our busy sensory world can be overwhelming for many babies and this coupled with too little sleep will result in crying as your baby responds to the sensory input of the world and the little bubbles in his tummy with crying. The best ways to avert colic is to swaddle your baby and settle to him to sleep after only an hour of awake time. If your little one is very unsettled, do not worry about spoiling him at this age. Under four months of age babies do not have long term memory and so will not be ‘spoilt’ by being rocked or lulled to sleep. 4-6 Months The four to six month old is much less susceptible to overstimulation and therefore is more settled. But just as you think you are getting the hang of this parenting thing, you will find your baby become a little less predictable. Instead of remaining settled for a good three to four hours between feeds, many babies of this age begin to fuss and wake more frequently at night too. This relates to their new and growing nutritional needs. At this age you can choose to respond to the increased demand for nutrition with increasing the number and frequency or quantity of milk offered or you may choose to introduce solids. The latest research indicates the introduction of solids is safe and good for babies anytime between 4 and 6 months of age. Your 4-6 month old may still become crotchety if overtired or over stimulated. Watch your baby’s awake times (Baby Sense 2010) 6-12 Months The older baby is a bundle of fun and laughs and will not spend much time crying. There are a few reasons that typically raise their heads: Illness – many babies get their first colds and illnesses at this age and an irritable baby with a fever is not much fun. Separation anxiety – as your baby develops object permanence and realizes he is separate from you, he will become increasingly irritable whenever you are out of site. A transition object or security blanket will help him to feel a little more secure. Nappy change time – all 8 month olds resist having their nappy changed and become very irritable. This is typical and is no reason to be concerned. Simply put the back position for nappy changes is way to passive and our little one will get very irate when placed on his back. Teething – typically your baby’s first tooth will emerge during this stage and you may have a day or two of irritability. Toddlers Your toddler has an opinion and mind of his own and generally this will impact on his mood. There are three main reasons for crying and tantrums A toddler may throw an almighty tantrum if he is overtired – we tend to overestimate our toddler’s ability to stay awake and be stimulated. The reality is that toddlers need at least one day sleep and an early bedtime. In addition, toddlers can only socialize for a limited period before becoming over stimulated and crying or throwing a tantrum. If your toddler feels misunderstood, you will have a tantrum on your hands. Toddlers understand more than you would believe and can process cognitively what they want to say or do. The problem is that it will be some time before your toddler can express himself adequately. When he feels like you do not understand him a tantrum may ensue. Some toddlers throw tantrums and cry simply to get their way. Again this is normal and is part of developing independence and autonomy. Finally, it is vital to realize that all babies are different. Some settled little ones cry very little and take each stage in their stride, while a sensitive baby cries for almost no reason and is

March 12, 2015

Nobody Warned Me

Charming perceptions of motherhood in the magazines, Mothers comforting their babies, it seems so precious, suggesting that graceful feeling that we all long for so dearly. Yes, this could be true, but what wrecks us up most in life, is the picture in our head of what it’s supposed to be. We dismiss the belief that there is such a thing called reality. When I was pregnant with Jamie, I was offered all the advice a pregnant woman could ever ask for. I Read all the books, and the expectations of having this baby was sounding positively promising. However, it took me by surprise. The emotions came in fast and heavy, the idea that I would not be good enough; what if the baby didn’t love me? What If I didn’t know what do to make him comfortable? What about my life? My husband? My friends? With the pregnancy being unplanned, I was aware that having a baby would be my biggest life changing event yet. I was forced to grow up and prepare myself for the challenges of Motherhood. My Mother had revealed stories of Motherhood from her experiences, and prepared me for as much as she could. I was oblivious. Once he was born, the realization had set in – no one can prepare you for this journey. It is an experience in itself, Filled with love, happiness, sadness, and tough lessons. But nobody warned me. I wish I had taken it all in. So here it is. Fun and serious, personal lessons learnt from the progress of raising my son of 3 ½ years old. When you are pregnant, everyone will be kind and want to be a part of your life. Not all of them stay. You will lose friends, but the great news is you will also gain new ones. Moms befriend other moms very easily. You will cry when leaving the hospital and arriving (probably the entire drive) home with your new baby for the first time. If I knew why, I would divulge that information, but to this day, I cannot give reasons as to why I broke down in an ugly cry. (Hormones got the better of me, OKAY?) Breastfeeding is draining, and there will be many times you will feel like sending up the white flag. If you don’t have to, don’t. I wish I didn’t have to give up. But if you do, IT IS OKAY. Moms, don’t forget to be a wife. Dads, don’t forget to be a husband. This is important Make time for yourself. Take up the offer from ‘Aunty’ or ‘Granny’ to babysit. Have that nap. Sleep does wonders for the soul. Introduce routines from the start. It is heaven sent (well, once you have perfected it, and yes, I’m still getting there) Put the kids in their own beds every night, or you will regret it. (I am still struggling to get Jamie to sleep in his own bed) Boys will try and pee on you almost each time you attempt a nappy change. Get your armor or hold the nappy closed until you have everything ready. There will be more than one form of projectile, and you won’t care if it’s all over you. They will become extremely irritable and start drooling the river of Egypt, you will get excited at the realization that your baby is teething and start making pancakes. But this does not mean he/ she has teeth, yet, it could take a couple of months to push through and this may cause them to be ill. In my case, 7 months and a ton of high fevers for the first one to appear. They will become ill, and there will be copious amounts of TLC needed in this time. They will start blowing bubbles with their food, and soon, feeding your baby is like utilizing a blender without the lid. They will want to pull themselves up on every piece of furniture, becoming fearless, making you realize there are nerves you didn’t know existed. But to some extent, learn to trust them. This is also the chapter that most people avoid offering to baby sit. You might also lose some lingering baby weight. Yay! Your house will never (ever) look the same again. Bye-bye OCD! They will start listening and repeating everything you say, and you will learn to speak another language. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then it’s just suspicious. You will finish watching the Disney Pixar Movie after they have fallen asleep, even though you have seen it for the 6th time that day. Terrible twos have got nothing on Cheeky threes! You should never come between a 3 year old and his Smarties. If your child says old mac Donald has a Lion-spider on his farm, then old mac Donald has a Lion-spider on his farm. Okay? They will make use of reverse psychology. Be .very .careful You will learn strengths you never knew you had. (For example, running faster than the speed of light, or incredible reflexes by saving a vase from breaking from the other side of the room) You will know when it is the right time to grow your family. Don’t rush. Spend time with your child and make it count. When making the decision to expand as a family, make sure your 1st child is just as ready as you are. I’m glad I did. Take it all in, every minute of it. Watch them grow, Hear instead of Listen, Guide instead of show, laugh with them, allow them to mess, don’t be afraid, join in on the fun, encourage their imagination and enjoy the adventures of their magical little world, always kiss them goodnight, and tuck them in tight. MOST importantly, remember, it is an everlasting love, whole heartedly, they will love you unconditionally and you will always be their favourite person, someone that they will forever depend on. Even on those days you will feel you have failed as a Mother.

March 12, 2015

Tips For Choosing A Family Car

Buying a car when you are young, single and have just started working is very different to when you are trying to buy a car for a family. Your needs as a new couple are not the same as they are when you start having children, suddenly safety is more important than speed, space is more important that style. It can be confusing trying to choose a family car because you aren’t always sure what you need to look for. We have a few tips that can make the hunt for a new family car easier. Check the safety features. Safety becomes of utmost importance when you are transporting your children. Make sure you check if there are safety belts on all the seats, that the back seat is safe for a car chair. Size does count. Whether you decide to only have one child or a rugby team, children take up space. Take this into account when you are looking at cars. If possible take your pram with to see how easily you can get it into the boot and how much space it takes up. Consider things like going on holidays, lifting friends, additional sports bags and how many car chairs you will need to have at one time. A car may say 5 seats but with car chairs in it suddenly becomes a 4 seater. Sometimes the 7th seat is in the boot taking away boot space. Is it a wanted car? While we don’t want to have to think about being hijacked, it should be a consideration. Try to steer clear of cars that are high on the hijacking list, it may mean you don’t have the coolest car in the parking lot but it will be worth it. Consider your needs. How many children do you want? Will you have two car chairs at the same time? Do you go away in your car a lot? Do you need to transport bicycles? These things will all play a part in the size and type of car you buy. Take it for a test drive. If you are going to be the primary driver, test drive it, parks it, make sure you are comfortable driving it especially if it is on the bigger size. Buying a family car can feel like an overwhelming decision but it really doesn’t have to be. Do not rush into the decision, take your time, consider all your needs and requirements and do not settle for anything less than that, no matter how hard the salesman may try to convince you otherwise.

March 12, 2015

Tips For When Your Tween Wants To Go Out With A Group Of Friends

As children get older, the milestones don’t stop, they just get different and pull at their parents heart strings a lot more. As your children approach their teenage years they start getting more independent, they start wanting to do things on their own, be their own people. This is very difficult sometimes for parents to deal with. Allowing your child to venture out without you means you are relinquishing control, which is hard for most parents. Despite this being hard for the parents, this is a vital milestone for children to reach. Obviously in today’s world you can’t simply send them off without a care in the world. There do need to be some guidelines, rules and expectations for both you and your child. Whether it be a trip to the movies, skating rink or just a milkshake at a restaurant, keep these guidelines in mind before agreeing to let your child go. Find out who is going. Don’t assume your child will be going with their usual friends. Find out exactly who is going to be there, if there are names you don’t recognise ask who they are and where they are from. Find out exactly where they plan to go. A trip to the movies may include a stop for a coke before or a pizza afterwards. They need to supply times and places of where they are going. If for some reason they need to drive from once place to another, find out who will be driving them, offer to help out if it hasn’t been sorted out yet. Keep phone communication open. Most children have phones today, they are a privilege not a right and your child needs to understand that they have to keep in contact with you. When you send a message, they must respond and they must let you know if plans change, even if it is something as simple as changing from one restaurant to another. If possible get the number of another one of the children who are going with. Make sure they have enough money. It is fairly easy to gauge how much money they will need for their outing but make sure they either have some additional cash or at least access to it. Have an emergency plan. This may sound like an overreaction but it doesn’t need to be something that makes them feel insecure. It can be simply a plan if they get separated from their group or they are unable to contact you. Make sure they have your contact details written down somewhere safe and they know that they know where to go if they feel unsafe. Set the boundaries with your child. Let them know before they leave what behaviour is acceptable or unacceptable and they need to know the consequences. Let go. As hard as it may as their parent, it is important that you show your child that you trust them enough to let them do something like this on their own. You have equipped them with the skills they need to be able to handle themselves in a situation like this. Allow them to use those skills. Allowing children their freedom is probably harder to come to terms with than the lack of sleep in those early weeks. It is an emotional roller coaster ride for both the parents and the children but if you both know where the boundaries are and what you expect from each other it can be a positive experience for everyone.

March 11, 2015

The Oppositional Defiant Child

Child psychologists at Johannesburg’s Sandton Psychology Centre are often consulted by worried parents who are concerned about their child’s disruptive behaviour. Sometimes, what emerges is a pattern of non-compliant conduct which is stressful for the entire family. Not all unruly children fit the profile of the oppositional defiant child, and the symptoms must be viewed with caution. As is the case with many psychological disorders one has to rule out other aspects or syndromes is order to make a proper diagnosis. Once the correct diagnosis is made child psychologists will assist with psychotherapy (in the form of play therapy) and behaviour management. Other treatment for Oppositional Defiant Disorder may also include specialized parent training, family therapy, structured group therapy, and school- and home- based contingency management programs. The DSM-1V lists the essential features of Oppositional Defiant Disorder as a “recurrent pattern of negativistic, defiant, disobedient, and hostile behaviour toward authority figures” that persists for at least 6 months and is characterised by at least four of the following behaviours: Loses temper often and for no good reason Argumentative with adults Defies or point blank refuses to comply with what adults have requested Does things deliberately in order to annoy and irritate others Does not take responsibility and blames other’s for their own mistakes or wrongdoing Is easily irritated and annoyed by others – everybody bugs him/her Demonstrates anger and is filled with resentment Is often spiteful and vindictive The Oppositional Defiant Child is not a happy child. In addition to the aforementioned traits they also struggle with social interaction and are often depressed and exhibit low self-esteem. Furthermore, they tend to not do well at school academically as they have a short attention span and a general lack of motivation. These children also have frequent mood swings and low frustration tolerance.

March 9, 2015

Changing Our Minds

My husband and I recently set out for a long drive around the city, while our neighbourhood’s lights were out, when we found ourselves in an interesting conversation. I have recently seen the ugly side of generations before me, how they cannot understand when you go against the norm and follow your heart and ambitions, which lead me to realize that we’re responsible for rewiring our minds for the well-being of our children. We both grew up in fairly traditional and religious households, though you wouldn’t say so. He’s family is Anglican and mine is Christian, his father is a warden at the church and my grandparents are missionaries, who head their own church. They were ever-so proud when they would call me in front of their friends, asking where Jesus lived and I would happily say, “In my heart!” Until my teen years, I listened to every word they preached, absorbed it, shared it and followed it. My husband was much the same – only, he was always causing a racket at church – but you could bet your bottom dollar that every Sunday, The Botha’s would be there, all 3 kids in tow. Fast forward years later, where we said our “I-Do’s” which saw me walking down the aisle to an upbeat pop song by an underground boy band, saying vows which included zombies, helicopters and our exit strategies, in case of an apocalypse. Our wedding cake was traditional white, but topped by robots and slayed zombies with swords sticking out of them. It may sound trashy, but it was an extravagant affair and something that I hold very dear to me. To top it off, after exchanging rings, we exchanged swords too. It’s hard to picture that the little boy and girl who grew up in a very traditional family, would have anything but a white dress, suit and tie sort of wedding, isn’t it? In my heart of hearts, I believe that having the religious background gave me the foundation to open my mind and question, probably more than my family would wish. Knowing that I always had my faith to turn to, I knew that I was able to explore and dig deep into the adventures that tradition has taught us to stay clear of. My family’s expectations for me were clear – they wanted me to matriculate, study and become a teacher, doctor or lawyer. My dreams, which I followed, was to get married young, start a family and focus on my family life. My family couldn’t understand, when I turned down a studying opportunity which included a bursary and for weeks after I faced the disappointing eyes of my elders and felt as if I had failed them. Last weekend, a little girl ran up to my son to play and when we left, my husband whispered to him, “that could’ve been your first girlfriend.” Something shook my insides and we both got onto the topic about how our minds have been trained by previous generations that little boys will have GIRL-friends – tradition. He agreed how wrong and limiting a simple phrase can be, considering if we continued to say things like him having girlfriends, that somewhere along the line he may discover that he isn’t interested in girls but would rather pursue a relationship with a boy. He might mistake our light-hearted joke as an expectation from us and suddenly feel pressure be uncomfortable about telling us about his newfound relationship. Nothing breaks my heart like the thought of my son not being comfortable with his parents. I want to be those parents, where my child doesn’t feel the need to lie, because he knows that we will support him no matter what may happen – I had that sort of mom. I cringe at my sub-conscious who for a long while, had to take a double-take when I saw a mixed-race couple. I have nothing against it and in the last year, I have gained friends and follow several families who are considered mixed-race. To be very honest, I never even considered them to be mixed-race or didn’t think that it was a point worthy of consideration. The only reason it was brought to my attention was that they were debating what to put on the school forms under “racial group.” Wait, what? We’re STILL asking that question? Do you realize that South Africa is one of the very few (if not, only) countries that allows for that sort of categorization? In most countries, they are only allowed to ask what language you speak, so that they know how to address you. As a mom, I can imagine how challenging it is to tick “coloured” when you, personally, do not identify with such a small, limiting box. Truth is, I have seen how my son plays with children from every racial group. He sees no colour, gender or income-group. He only sees a friend. It is so beautiful to witness the innocence in children, and that’s when I realized that it’s my responsibility to cling onto that, to stop it from seizing to exist like the hope that I have for so many generations before me. There is no need for the anger and hatred that we so desperately hold on to, we are all people and equal. We have different experiences but share the same hopes and ambitions for our children. My goal is to bring up my child(ren) not pointing out the gay couple, walking in the shopping mall – I want him to see the loving couple that stands before him, let him admire a balanced, strong relationship and one day wish for a love so real. We are responsible for moulding our children and that means that we may have to spend time moulding ourselves, rewiring our brains into believing that in this day and age, moms can be the breadwinners while dad’s play dress-up at home, families come in all shapes and sizes and

March 8, 2015

Do You Take Your Day Out On Your Kids?

As the year gets going, life tends to get busier and busier. Most parents I speak to are overwhelmed with work and social functions as well as helping kids to settle in at new schools or getting their extra murals sorted out. Our lives tend to be so busy anyway, that this added pressure can get a bit much and we need to be careful that our kids are not bearing the brunt of this. Do you ever find that you make it through a tough day at the office only to come home and lash out at your kids for the smallest mistake? Or that you are churning internally about some unresolved emotional issue and snap at your children when they interrupt your train of thought? We tend to lash out at the people closest to us – in our homes we feel free to vent, to “be ourselves”, to let go of the pent up stuff that we didn’t express with the people who really got our backs up. If you are carrying around unresolved negative emotions you are likely to take this out on your kids (and/or your partner) at some point. It’s not that you mean to hurt them, but you do. It is really worth taking some small gaps in your day to assess your own emotional state, particularly before arriving home. This may be as simple as sitting in your car for 5 minutes after arriving and just doing some deep breathing and letting go of your day before greeting your family. Or if you have deeper issues that you are battling with, find a coach or councilor or even a good friend that you can chat to so that you have a constructive outlet for your negative emotional baggage, and particularly if you find that you are not able to address issues with the actual people concerned. And, of course, keep in mind that we are all human, and we all crack sometimes. If you’ve snapped at your child after a long and difficult day, start by forgiving yourself and then apologise to your child and let them know that it wasn’t their fault. Our kids can learn a lot from our mistakes about how to handle life, relationships and bad days!

March 5, 2015

ADD And ADHD In Adolescence

Adolescence is the period in a child’s life which is filled with much turmoil and changes. Not only are there physical changes (including hormonal) but an emotional shift where the youngster has to grapple with several of the following: Acquiring a feeling of identity (self-identity such as “who am I”; social identity such as “which group/s do I belong” and certainty about his/her own values and ideals “where am I going with my life”). In establishing an identity for themselves, the adolescent phase is characterised by experimentation and rebelliousness, which leads to conflict with parents mostly about authority and decision-making. Being acknowledged by peers as well as being accepted by them (fitting in). Concerns and worries about school, exams and careers after school. Foray into romantic relationships with accompanying insecurities etc. During a youngster’s development from childhood to adolescence it becomes common for the symptom pattern of ADD/ADHD to change, most notably by a decrease in hyperactivity. Nevertheless, difficulties with attention and impulsivity remain. It was thought that ADHD tends to “burn out” by the time children reach adolescence and rarely continues into adulthood, however research suggests that this is not the case. Other difficulties that can appear for an adolescent suffering from ADD/ADHD over and above the usual teen concerns are: Adolescents with ADHD often feel “different” from others and they may become socially isolated, especially if they are impulsive and act before they think without due consideration for the feelings of others. They may also still carry the remnants of a lowered self-esteem developed in childhood as a consequence of ADHD. Remember that children and adolescents that have been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD would have experienced the gamut of difficulties on an academic, social and personal front. Low self-esteem may lead to a teenager refusing medication, avoiding educational or other activities and be more vulnerable to peer pressure in order to fit in. They may also lack motivation as they could have internalised that they are not as competent as their peers. Difficulties with focusing, organizing and long-term planning usually pose a difficulty for the ADHD adolescent as the workload at school increases and becomes more complex. As a result adolescents may have difficulty completing tasks, taking good notes, being able to prioritize important tasks and apply adequate study methods for tests and examinations. Adolescents with ADD/ADHD are to some extent more likely to experiment with undesirable behaviours at an earlier age because of their impulsivity and not considering the consequences of their actions. Usually teenagers tend to develop new strengths that help them with decision making, consequently, their ability to think long term, resist instant gratification and regulate their own behaviour does improve. The teenagers with ADHD, however, are simply likely to lag behind in these areas. Therefore, teenagers with ADHD have much more of a harder time regulating their impulses, even when they know their behaviour is destructive. As such, impulsiveness can potentially lead to substance abuse, aggressive acting out, unprotected sex, promiscuity, reckless driving or any other high-risk activity. Like all teenagers, the need for acceptance and to “fit in” is substantial. Some teenagers with ADHD will be more at risk of becoming the “class clown” or becoming the “most rebellious” or the “outrageous” one to get some attention and acknowledgement from their peers. On the whole, ADD/ADHD is a complex disorder and usually there are accompanying conditions such as depression, learning difficulties, anger and anxiety which can affect adolescents with ADD/ADHD in widely contrasting ways. Sandton Psychology Centre has psychologists that work with adolescent difficulties and issues. It may become necessary for a parent to seek professional assistance for their teenager during this period. Adolescents will likely benefit from psychological intervention that will teach them how to deal with impulsive behaviour, difficulty with remaining focused and/or organisational skills, long-term planning and low self-esteem which are all aspects related to ADHD

March 2, 2015

Imaginary Friends In Childhood

It is a common idea that children with imaginary friends have issues for which they are compensating, and while this may be the case, it is not the sole reason your child will develop a friendship with an invented chum. Research shows that girls are more likely than boys to have imaginary friends, or at the very least just to acknowledge them, while boys are more likely to impersonate fantasy characters. Children who have imaginary friends can distinguish fantasy from reality, so there’s no reason to worry when your child exhibits signs that he or she has a made-up companion. They are more likely to engage in pretend-play than children without companions, and they play more happily and more imaginatively. Studies also show they are more fluent with language, watch less television and show more excitement, persistence and curiosity. In one study in particular, children with imaginary friends showed a keener ability to do theory-of-mind tasks than children who did not. These children also showed a greater emotional understanding three years later. Having imaginary friends is common in early development, and approximately 1/3 of children have them. The relationship the child has to his or her imaginary companion is like a normal peer relationship which is characterised by reciprocity, unlike children who nurture or take care of other objects like stuffed toys or dolls. Imaginary friends also provide wish fulfilment functions, such as when a child has an absent parent and compensates for this, or the desire for a sibling which is then role-played through imagination. They are also a safe way for a child to express his or her fears or support themselves in difficult situations, such as standing up to a bully. Self-esteem is increased through imaginary friends, as is creativity. The only time an imaginary friend should cause alarm is if your child’s developmental age has surpassed this stage. An imaginary friend at the age of seven or eight may represent a bigger problem. If the friend is a character that concerns you, such as one who is modelled after something negative, consulting a professional for guidance and advice is the best option. But keep in mind that imaginary friends are perfectly healthy, and are even considered a positive step in development of your child’s emotional and psychosocial development, as well as his or her cognitive functioning. Sources: A Child’s World, 12th Edition.

February 25, 2015

The Big Issue With Self Esteem

What is all the fuss about and what can parents do to improve their children’s self-esteem? In recent years self-esteem has become a bit of a buzz word. Parents, teachers, occupational therapists, psychologists and social workers (to name a few) have all become reasonably obsessed with the concept, and near panic proportions are reached if a parent is told that their child has (gasp) POOR self-esteem! For many parents, the very thought that their child might have poor self-esteem is met with horror, severe guilt and is coupled with dire thoughts about the child’s future and whether or not he or she will ever be a success. But what is self-esteem exactly, and why is it so important? More importantly, what can parents do to ensure that children develop a healthy self-esteem? Put very simply, self-esteem is the way in which a person thinks and feels about him or herself. An individual with good self-esteem perceives herself as acceptable, competent and accomplished. A person with poor self-esteem feels unacceptable and doubts his or her ability to confront and solve problems in a masterful manner. The reason there is a big fuss about self-esteem is that it does appear linked to important things such as physical and mental health and satisfaction in life. Many studies have shown that poor self-esteem is linked to such things as low academic performance, depression, anxiety, sexual risk behaviour, drug and alcohol abuse…to name a few. It is therefore reasonably understandable that parents feel a sense of concern over the quality of their children’s self-esteem. The big question then, is WHAT CAN PARENTS DO to enhance the self-esteem of their children? The following article will answer this question, starting from the moment that an individual first becomes a parent, giving simple hints and suggestions for dealing with infants and older children alike. Infancy: The importance of a good attachment A child’s most significant relationship is usually (although not necessarily) with it’s parents. It is within the safety of this primary relationship that children start developing thoughts and feelings about themselves that are mirrored to them through the eyes of their parents. The bond between a parent and child is traditionally referred to as the ‘attachment’ between the child and it’s primary caregiver. The quality of this attachment can range on a continuum from very good, to very poor and starts developing from the moment that a child is born. Importantly, a good attachment is one of the primary foundations upon which one’s self-esteem is based. Although there is no rule book for establishing a positive attachment with one’s infant, there are a few things that parents can do to make a good attachment more likely. There are also red flags to look out for that might prevent a parent from establishing a good attachment with one’s child. Most significantly, it is critical that parents are RESPONSIVE and focussed on the needs of the child. Infants are completely dependent on their parents for protection and nourishment and are unable to meet any of their needs independently. A responsive parent is one who is reasonably in tune with their infant. As such, they are able to react quickly and accurately to the needs of the child. These needs could be physical or emotional and may include food, a clean nappy, comfort, warmth or sleep. As the child gets older and more interactive, this responsive style starts to include the child’s increasingly complex emotional experiences. It becomes important for a parent to accurately respond to both positive emotions, such as smiling back or laughing when the child smiles; or negative emotions, such as soothing a frustrated or upset infant. Red flags for parents to be aware of are any issues that prevent a parent from being able to respond to the needs of their child. These could include: post natal depression, marital conflict, alcohol or drug abuse, mental illness such as depression or anxiety, or burnout from severe work stress. Parents are advised to seek timely help from a professional if they are unable to cope with these issues on their own or with the help and support of family and friends. Consistent praise and encouragement: How it relates to self-esteem As children grow older and start talking, praise and encouragement become incredibly important for children and are a vital ingredient in promoting a healthy self-esteem. Positive feedback can relate to behaviours, but can also relate to specific aspects of a child’s character (for example, “You were so kind when you helped that little boy who fell”; “You laugh so easily, I love your sense of humour”) as well to the relationship between you and your child (“you’re my special boy”; “I love you”). In these ways, positive feedback can help a child to understand that they are loved and cherished, for specific qualities that are noticed and appreciated. Solve problems WITH your child rather than FOR them As children continue developing, their abilities become more complex and more is expected of them by society. As individuals, our ability to confront and solve problems determines much of our experience of success or failure. Children who consistently rely on parents to solve their problems for them are unlikely to feel the sense of accomplishment and pride that comes from solving their own problems. In addition, as children develop into adults, over-reliance on parents for problem solving will lead to unhealthy levels of dependence. In order to foster independence and a positive self-esteem, it is important that parents allow or assist children to solve their own problems. Problem solving refers to a variety of different situations and often involves a great deal of patience from parents. For example, it might take your child ten agonizing minutes to figure out how to use a new toy or to find the place where the puzzle piece fits in. Although you might be able to do it for your child in seconds, it is more important that you allow your child to explore

February 23, 2015

Getting Back Into A Routine

The holidays have come to an end. No more getting up at half past eight. No more getting done when you feel like it. No more just taking it easy (as if parents could ever take it easy). You are almost back to the daily grind and now you have start worrying about getting up on time, making lunch and all the other routines associated with normal day to day to day life. We all have our little sanity savers to make life easier and I thought I would share some tips and tricks I have learnt and adopted in the morning for school. Our morning routine Most important is be up before the kids are so that I have time to have a bath and to get breakfast and lunch ready. I usually decide the previous day as to what breakfast and school lunch will be. This allows me to buy what I need and prevents deciding in the morning based on the contents of your fridge. We have a dedicated set of lunch containers for their lunches and ensure these are washed the night before and left ready to be packed. Breakfasts usually consist of oats (energy packed low GI food) every second day, mixed with either cranberries, grated apple, cinnamon or honey. Other days include foods such as scrambled eggs, bacon and toast, home-made crumpets (I have a great recipe that can be mixed and cooked within 15 minutes), French toast with syrup and on rare occasions cereals (Milo, Coco Pops, etc.) Once done with breakfast and packing lunches, I wake the kids (if not up already). Once they are up, it’s straight to the bathroom for them for a quick wash and to dress. They then have breakfast. TV can be a big distraction in the morning in getting the kids done, so my kids are only allowed to watch TV once they ready for school and finished breakfast. With regard to clothing, let them pick out an outfit the night before. We also have a shelf within their reach with a few choices so they can choose their own clothing. School uniforms simplify this process immensely. School bags are packed the night before and left waiting at the front door. Non co-operative kids? This is where the secret box of Milo cereal or Coco Pops comes in handy. It’s a pleasant treat for our kids to have something (or rather anything) with chocolate on it. But they can only have it if they help getting ready for school. Promising to do a special activity with them in the afternoon is also a good motivator. A visit to the park after school is a good motivator to send a completely lethargic kid scurrying to find that lost shoe. Sometimes all kids need is a hug and a few extra minutes to wake up. If they are very crabby in the morning, I usually leave them in bed for a few extra minutes while I get something else done and come back for them. That’s why part of my strategy is to make sure that I am done before the kids so that I can spend a little extra time with them if need be and not trying to do everything at the same time whilst running out the door. My advice to find the correct routines Each family is different as is each child. So decide on a routine that best suits you. Importantly stick to the routine once you decide on it (e.g. in my case I do not give in to the no TV before breakfast rule). Do allow a certain amount of flexibility in the routine for those non-cooperative days, but not so much that the routine changes every day. If that is the case then you need to relook at your routine. If you have a nanny or domestic helper, make sure that they know what their duties are in the morning as well. It does not help when you of you are trying to do the same thing or even redoing what one person has already done. What works best for us is to share the tasks so that one parent is not under pressure all the time. For example, one parent does school lunches and breakfast whilst the other parent washes and dresses the kids. Routines can have a downside in that children’s lives are so regimented that they don’t get to make choices, do their own thing, play, have fun and just relax. Your routine should be designed to ensure all of this happens whilst having the key features of being well planned, regular and predictable. And don’t forget that everyone enjoys an occasional change of routine to break monotony. My apologies if this post is lacking some humour but unfortunately getting done in the morning is no laughing matter……

February 12, 2015

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