Parenting - Parenting Hub

Advice from the experts

Mothers and Daughters

Mothers and daughters begin with the closest friendship. There are many times the dad might feel pushed aside. Within a few years, as the girls approach their teen years the trouble begins. I think at first moms attempt to deal with it as they encounter the hurts from their daughters. If or when it continues for a longer time the father usually steps in and the problems expand. All of this takes a toll on the mother especially. Solving the dilemma will take patience, love, a listening ear, open mind and loving heart along with a firm attitude. Moms should try not to get involved totally in the drama to the point of screaming or yelling. Parents are always the directors not the actors. Even when hurtful things are said or done by their daughter, it still necessitates that mom hang in there and continue with her guidance understanding and love. Never resort to shame or insults. Teens require more love at this point in their lives, perhaps than they ever needed before. They are being judged constantly by others so they don’t enjoy more assessments from the home. Life is full of alterations. This is one of the great transformations and requires lots of attention and discussion. Daughters are not little girls anymore and they require discipline with love and patience but also with greater understanding of where they are coming from at this present moment. Parents must see through the upheavals, and the cries for help from their child, as they sift through the upheavals. Understand the playing field has changed. Although I am a firm believer in having respect for kids of any age, I especially think it is important during the teenage years. The confusion and muddled sensitivities of their daughters are persistently evolving. The extent and depth of their pain is real. As insignificant as their problems may appear to us, they are critical to our daughters. Demeaning their attitudes about the importance of their dilemmas has the power to cause rifts of insurmountable complications. Being on constant watch as well as being available to listen is vital. Perhaps we consider the teen years as the time to remain uncompromising and to strong arm the kids. It is actually the reverse. One needs to be more receptive to the child’s cries wants and requirements and to bend without breaking. The mood swings attitudes and pains are difficult to encounter but remembering the changes taking place on the outside are not even close to the changes taking place on the inside of the child. Staying connected to the inside but physically remaining on the outside helps to control being overtaken by the dramas that present. Many teenage girls are mouthy. Most likely their sassy words are flowing before they have even thought about what they are saying. Moms may attempt to discipline through necessity due to the disrespect in their child’s words and actions. It reaches the point of no return regarding any compromising when they believe the daughter has overstepped too many times and things are falling apart. Most parents believe at this point they must hold the line. Not so. At this point it is time to review and rethink your rules and parameters. It is time also to use your instincts to understand what the surrounding issues are. See through the daughter’s façade and discover the actual issues. Reconnect with your daughter which may require you to have a thick skin with the potential onslaught of hurtful words. Daughters are angrier at themselves than their mothers. Attempt also to keep voices low. Speak calmly and slowly because believe it or not you can unwittingly change the volatile atmosphere with these tactics. Kids think parents don’t understand them and don’t have a clue about how they are feeling. Of course saying, “I understand” won’t cut it either. When they fire criticism at you it should be taken in and reflected upon before you retaliate with your own negative response. You must show that you get it by offering to listen. I am not suggesting you break any of your own rules but stating your rules to them bluntly is in their faces and it won’t work. They see themselves as approaching adulthood. They want independence. Offering them as much as you can without giving in to your restrictions is best. They yearn for power even though they are not ready for it, so giving choices to them is sort of a compromise. You get to choose the selections but they get to feel empowered with the choices. With your attentiveness, you might be able to offer choices which is always a good thing. A child of any age does not feel as controlled when they have some power and influence over their own lives. Blame is never an option but it is easy to express it when in the middle of a confrontation. If you react with calmness, understanding, respect and love you will probably receive a better outcome. You can’t retaliate even if the child does which is what usually happens. They have hormones rising which they can’t control and probably they are not even aware of the effects. You are the parent and the adult in this situation. The child can lose control but the parents must keep things under a certain tempo no matter how much you assess as wrong, deliberate or mean. You need to get through one battle at a time. Kids are confused and perhaps don’t even intend what they are saying. They are angry and need to take their fury out on someone which happens to be their mothers. As you learn how to make progress in these altercations by remaining composed, the next argument ought to be of a lesser nature. You will find yourself using your skills of speaking softly with love and openness and directing the drama so it stays as neutral as possible. In all of this the child wants to be

October 29, 2015

Keeping your kids safe on the Internet

Us South Africans are an incredibly security conscious bunch. We tend to focus a lot of attention around security in our homes and in our vehicles, especially when it comes to protecting our children. But what about the virtual realm? Are we doing enough to ensure their safety when it comes to things like the Internet, social networking, and mobile devices? The Internet is a veritable treasure trove of information on any conceivable topic. In the past, we had to go to a library to research a project or to find out more about a particular subject. Today, thanks to faster and more affordable Internet access, we are connected around the clock. Irrespective of whether we are using a tablet, smartphone, laptop, or a good old-fashioned desktop computer, access is taken for granted. As parents, we have a responsibility to balance the benefits the digital world brings with the risks that are out there. Children need to be protected against contact with undesirable people, inappropriate or harmful content, and malicious software or attacks. Social networking and online gaming have made it easy for our children (and ourselves) to interact with people from all over the world. Sadly, this has also made it incredibly easy for cyberbullies, paedophiles, and other nefarious people to get in touch with children. Growing up in a digital environment has resulted in teenagers and younger children having quite different notions of privacy than what we had. It was easy not to talk to strangers before the Internet. Now, you do not even know who a stranger is, as identify theft is common and malicious users can gleam much from even the basic information people share online. In fact, tricking children into sharing personal information is one of the easiest ways that they can be exploited. As mentioned, accessing content on a variety of topics has become as easy as typing a query into a search engine and viewing the results. From links to Web pages, images, and videos, there is nothing that cannot be found quickly and easily online. Sadly, this also means that it is not that difficult to find sexually explicit content or download music and video files illegally. Often, these searches start off with the best of intentions. Your child might be searching for photographs for a project or even video clips on how something is made. A few clicks later, and that benign search suddenly transforms into explicit images. Understandably, it is not always easy for parents to talk to children about online safety when they themselves are unsure of how the technology works and what it could be used for. Kaspersky Lab has created a list of easy to remember ‘rules’ for children that parents can discuss with them. These should be seen as almost as important as road safety rules that are there to keep them safe and out of harm. Do not give out your name, school, or home address to anyone over the Internet. Even if you think you have made a friend online – if anyone asks for these details – you never give them out. In fact, please tell your parents or an adult immediately, so they can check this out for you. If someone tries to ‘friend’ you on the Internet, be careful. Be sure, you know who you are talking to online, and if you do not know this person, do not give them any details and rather report this to someone you trust. Be careful about what photos you place online or what videos you upload. While it is such fun to share our photos and videos with friends and family – make sure that photos and videos do not give away any clues about your location or where you may live. If you have an older sibling or even your parents that use a smartphone – make a note to tell them not to use the function of ‘geo-tagging’ on social media sites like Facebook. This is a function which tells everybody on Facebook where you are – like at a restaurant or at the movies. But by doing this, it can be unsafe as it gives away your location. From a parenting perspective, here are a few steps you can take to reduce the chances of your children being exposed to any such risks: Talk to your children about the potential dangers that they may face online. If possible, make use of 1 family computer and place it in a central ‘family room’ in the house. Try to make the computer a shared family experience. Encourage your children to talk to you about anything they experience online that upsets them or makes them feel uncomfortable. Restrict the content that can be accessed via the computer using an effective Internet security solution. You can also provide clear guidelines that let your child know what they are allowed and are not allowed to do on the Internet. For example, your guidelines could tell your child whether they are permitted to: Register with social networking or other Web sites. Make online purchases. Download music, video, or programme files. Use instant messaging programmes. Visit Internet chat rooms. If your child is allowed to use instant messaging or visit chat rooms, it is worth explaining to them that it is dangerous to chat with or send messages to anyone that they do not know and trust. In addition to these steps, you can also install a rigorous Internet security solution (like that of Kaspersky Internet Security – multi-device 2016) that is capable of defending the computer against malicious programmes and hackers. Many security software products combine anti-virus capabilities and advanced parental control features that make it easier to protect your children when they are online. Despite the risks, you should not avoid going online. There are numerous benefits to the digital world. Just remain informed and educate your children on the dangers that are out there.

October 28, 2015

Making Sense Of Food Labels

By Gabi Steenkamp, Registered Dietitian, Food Labelling and Nutrition Consultant. www.gabisteenkamp.co.za. The information printed on all food labels in South Africa is regulated by the Department of Health regulations R146 (2010) for the labelling and advertising of foods, and there is no particular section that covers the labelling requirements for foods that are suitable for those with diabetes. Since the diabetic way of eating is all about basic good nutrition, all healthy foods are suitable for those with diabetes. However, they must be eaten in the correct serving size and combination to make up balanced meals. Such foods can be endorsed by Diabetes SA , but they have to comply with the specifications set out by the endorsement programme of Diabetes SA. Endorsed products and foods bear the logo below: For those foods that have not applied for the endorsement by Diabetes SA, the consumer must read the label to assess whether a food or product is suitable for those with diabetes or not, as most foods that are suitable for those with diabetes do not carry the Diabetes SA logo above. The most important information to look at on a food label is: The name of the product The total weight / volume The serving size The nutritional analysis information table The ingredients list The allergens declaration, if you suffer from a particular food allergy The name of the product The name given to a product is found on the main front panel of the packaging and should reflect what is inside the packaging. Should the name of the product not tell you what is inside the packaging, then an accurate description of the product is provided near the name. Giving a product a name such as ‘honey smacks’ is not very informative. The packaging could contain: Honey sweets Honey flavoured cereal An icecream product flavoured with honey or containing honey bits A chocolate with honey flavoured bits Honey flavoured drink, etc. But labelling this product as ‘Honey Smacks – honey flavoured popped wheat cereal’ tells you exactly what is in the packaging. You, as the consumer, have a right to know exactly what is inside any food packaging. Should this not be the case, you should contact the toll free customer services line, or email, of that product to make them aware of the fact; and contact a food labelling consultant who can then contact the company and have the error rectified. The label of the product below has a name that accurately tells what is in the packaging. TOTAL WEIGHT (MASS) or VOLUME The South African Bureau of Standards regulates the way in which the mass or volume of a product is stated on food packaging. All measures are metric and have a minimum lettering and number height. Knowing the total weight of what’s in the packaging, allows you to see immediately how many servings you will get out of one unit (be it a bag, jar, box, bottle, etc.). It also allows you to cross check if the serving size stated in the nutritional analysis table is do-able. In the above example, one fish cake must weigh 75 g (300 g divided by 4 = 75 g), which is a reasonably sized fishcake and is the size given in the nutritional analysis table for a single serving. THE SERVING SIZE The food labelling regulations stipulate that serving sizes stated in the nutritional analysis table, or anywhere on the label, may NOT encourage obesity and nutrition experts, such as a dietitian, determine the serving size to ensure that the serving sizes stated on pack are nutritionally correct and practical. For example, foods that make up the protein part of a main meal (such as fishcakes) should contain: Up to 1000 kJ per serving Less than 12 g fat per serving Less than 30% of total fat, as saturated fat per serving In the example of the fishcakes, you can see that in the second column of numbers in the nutritional information table, one fishcake weighing 75 g contains: 530 kJ 5.9 g of fat of which 1 g is saturated fat. The 1 g of saturated fat is less than 30% of the total fat (5.9%), so you can conclude that this is a healthy fishcake to have with your supper. You can also deduct from this that in fact you could have 2 of these fishcakes with your supper – provided of course you add the required 2-3 vegetable servings to make a balanced meal! But having all 4 fishcakes would encourage obesity and not be good for blood glucose control. On the other hand, foods eaten as a snack (such as icecream) should contain: about 500 kJ per serving and less than 6 g fat per serving Less than 30% of total fat, as saturated fat per serving In the example of the slimmer’s choice icecream given below, you can see that in the second column of numbers in the nutritional information table, one serving of 175 ml, contains: 492 kJ 2.3 g of fat of which 1.7 g is saturated fat. The 1.7 g of saturated fat is 74% of the total fat (2.3%), which means this snack contains too much saturated fat for good health and for those with diabetes since saturated fat increases the risk of heart disease, and particularly so for those with diabetes. For this reason, even though this is a controlled energy snack, it should only be eaten occasionally as a snack.

October 23, 2015

You Don’t Trust Me

The teenage girl came out of her room and walked into the family room where her parents were sitting. With a great deal of excitement and joy, she began to talk about a party a classmate was planning for the weekend and how much fun it was going to be. She talked about which of her friends were going and what they had all talked about wearing. This teenager’s parents gave her their full attention in listening to what she had to say and even acknowledged her excitement by agreeing that it sounds like a fun event. When the girl asked if she could go, they had a few questions for her; such as where it was going to be held, what time would start and end, and who would be there. When they got to the questions will there be adult chaperones and we’d like to meet the parents who will be there, the happy mood in the teenager dissolved and anger erupted. Their daughter immediately got defensive and shouted, you don’t trust me and you think that all teenagers do bad things! Forget it; I don’t want to go to the stupid party anymore. She burst out in tears and ran to her room. The loud slammed door indicated the talk of the party was over. It seems hard to believe a few simple questions could crush the excitement of going to a party. It is this writer’s opinion that the girl’s parents were doing the right thing; being open to allowing her to attend the party, providing that they were comfortable knowing she would be safe. Checking in with the parents of the party’s host is a good place to start to determine if the risks to their daughter’s safety and well-being are low enough for her to attend. Teenagers don’t often like it when a parent does their job in ensuring their child will be safe. They use the YOU DON’T TRUST ME statement as a way of getting the parent to back down. They may have heard other teenagers say that THEIR parents don’t check up on them, causing them to think that their own parents are being controlling and over protective. Teenagers feel embarrassed by their parents checking in and staying aware of what they are doing. But staying in the know of what our teenagers are doing is very important for keeping them safe. The prefrontal cortex of the brain provides judgment, decision making, and the moderation of social behaviour; all of which are necessary for keeping an individual safe. Unfortunately for our kids, this region of the brain is not usually fully developed until around the age of 25. This means a teenager may have great difficulty with the functions listed above. Which is clearly why parents must coach, guide, and monitor teenagers to help keep them safe when they can’t do it on their own. The next time your teen shouts, YOU DON’T TRUST ME, because you want to ensure there will be adult supervision where your child is going to be, and you want to meet the parents, don’t get angry. Take comfort in knowing that you’re doing your job. It may not be making you popular or well liked by your teenager at the moment, but it’s all a part of the role the parent plays in raising teenagers.

October 22, 2015

Why Don’t Dads Take Parenting Classes

A young intern working on a research project contacted me to ask me a few questions about dads, parenting classes and getting them to engage more with their kids. He told me that his team at the University of Wisconsin-Madison was developing intervention programs to support fathers and to find the best ways of engaging them in programs. He implied there was a belief that men don’t like to take parenting classes and they were trying to find out why. I shared with him that I do occasionally get some dads who contact me for parent coaching or even some who show up at my parenting classes, but mostly it’s the moms who aren’t afraid to seek out help. One of the questions he asked me was, do I interact differently with women as opposed to men in my coaching sessions. I told him that a large part of my training with parents is to help them understand the emotional intelligence aspect of their child and if their emotional needs aren’t met, there is likely to be less cooperation and more misbehavior. Moms get the emotional intelligence of parenting more easily than dads do. Therefore I have to engage the fathers in other ways. So he asked me if I use different teaching methods when I have men in the sessions. I told him that we men tend to be more visual learners and therefore, I use more video demonstrations or role play to create common situations they may find at home with their kids. Next he asked me, “What concerns do fathers tend to bring up in contrast to those brought up by mothers?” My answer to that was that women seem to bring up more questions that involve relationships, feelings, and communication. Men on the other hand seem to ask more questions about day-to-day cooperation, following through with tasks, and examining children’s skills and abilities. His last question was about why dads seem to be less interested in parenting classes. Based on dads that I’ve spoken to, some men feel that it is a sign of weakness to admit that you need help in parenting and just do the best they can, while others believe that parenting and discipline is more of a woman’s job and just leave it all to them. There is one more group of dads I’ve noticed who have the “I gave at the office” mentality. In other words, they believe they work hard all day long and disciplining the kids should not be one of their responsibilities when they get home. To women who want to know how to get their husbands on board to help more with the kids, or to get them to join you at parenting classes, here are some quick tips. Communicate what you want from your partner clearly and don’t assume anything. DO NOT criticize him when he makes an attempt to discipline and he fails (instead encourage him), especially in front of the kids. Finally, make the effort to have private conversations with him to get on the ‘same page’ with parenting before handling certain situations with the kids.

October 22, 2015

Travel Tips: 8 ways to make the most of your global travels

If you’re looking for new inspirations about great places to go and exciting things to do when you’re travelling, there’s nobody better to turn to for great advice than the Cathay Pacific staff who travel to over 180 countries on a daily basis. While the airline flies to a multitude of destinations worldwide, the crew from all over the globe spends a lot of time on the ground between flights. The airline asked their staff to share some helpful travelling tips. Here’s what they had to say: Work up a sweat! Evan, Pilot: “I’ve found that the best way to explore a new city is to go for a run when you first arrive. I always ask the hotel concierge to suggest a running route, but it’s on runs that I’ve seen the embassy district of Delhi, Moscow’s Red Square and the ancient ruins of Rome.” Eat local, try authentic cuisine at least once Aby, Flight Attendant: “Food can tell you a lot about the place you’re in, which is why I always go straight to the local markets when I get to a new city. I look for something unusual and try it – that way, I’ve ended up eating insects, scorpions, kangaroo and a range of other interesting things!” Travel with someone you love Becky, Flight Attendant: “A travel memory is worth so much more when you experience it with someone you love. I surprised my Mum by booking her onto one of my flights to New Zealand, and it was one of the most amazing and memorable experiences of my life. It taught me that the best gifts are the ones that last forever.” Be a kid again Poey, Flight Attendant: “I look at destinations through my child’s eyes. When I show him photos from my trips, he sees spaceships, castles and ocean monsters. He’s reminded me to approach the world with an open mind and rediscover my own sense of wonder.” Skip the crowd Gong, Flight Attendant: “The cities I visit are often full of hustle and bustle, with crowded, busy streets and attractions. That’s why I always get up at dawn to explore a layover destination. It’s a great way to see a city in a completely different light, with no crowds to interfere with the views of historic landmarks and attractions.” Explore the natural side Grace, Flight Attendant: “It’s an amazing feeling travelling to a destination that I’ve only seen on TV. When I went to South Africa, we decided to escape the city and go on a horseback safari. It turned out to be one of the most beautiful and humbling experiences I’ve ever had. It made me realise that we need to escape the cities to see how beautiful the world is.” Revisit your favourite city over different times of the year Indit, Flight Attendant: “For me, it’s never enough to visit a place once – I love to go back and see another side of it. One way to do this is to visit a destination in different seasons. My favourite seasonal city is New York because the place looks so different depending on the time of year – from the skyscrapers sparkling in the summer sun, to the autumn brown of Central Park and the brightly lit Christmas trees surrounded by winter snow.” Explore local history and culture Ben, Pilot: “I’m quite a history buff, and the way places change over time fascinates me. When I have a layover, I like to buy an old travel guide of that particular destination to take with me. You’d be amazed at the difference even a few years makes to a city. It’s even better when I find a really, really old guide. It paints such a different picture of a place and time as I walk around it. My favourite thing about doing this is seeing the old buildings that have stood the test of time and stand tall among their more contemporary neighbours in cities like New York, London and Singapore.” Cathay Pacific recently announced that passengers can now book all international travel on one portal, making it easier to travel by saving them time and effort. Passengers no longer have to search different local airline sites, or make multiple bookings to travel via Johannesburg and Hong Kong – all of that is done by consolidating all travel from Africa, to any of Cathay Pacific’s exciting destinations. Cathay Pacific flies from Johannesburg to Hong Kong seven days a week, connecting to hundreds of destinations across the globe. For more information and flight bookings, visit www.cathaypacific.com/za.

October 19, 2015

Your Child’s Development – Making it Fun!

“Just as my maternity leave was coming to an end, I was asked by Parenting Hub to review the Skidz Activity Box for 0 – 6 Months.” Our Parenting Hub reader to whom we gave the Skidz Activity Box was preparing to go back to work after being at home for the last four months with her beautiful little boy. Because her baby boy is going to be at home in the care of his Nanny, she told us that she had been trying to find ways to keep him stimulated whilst she was away at work and so the Skidz Activity Box came at just the right time. “What I particularly liked about the Skidz Activity Box is the fact that it comes with manual loaded with information so relevant to my baby boy who is now four months old.” The manual not only gives you a list of activities that you can do from birth to six months but includes detailed instructions on how to do everything as well. These include various physical exercises that you can do with your baby, what will be achieved through these exercises, how to do them and when is best to do them. “The manual is also broken up into a weekly curriculum for 0 to 3 months and 3 to 6 months outlining exactly what you can be doing with your baby every day. What I found so helpful with this weekly curriculum was that I was able to give it to my baby’s Nanny who can follow each activity on a daily basis.” If you don’t want to follow the detailed curriculum, you can set one up that works best for you and your baby and the manual includes a section to guide you as to how to do this – brilliant! The box includes everything that you need to work with to follow the curriculum. Stimulating fabrics, toys, textures, colours and sounds. Everything that you need is included in the box. From our Mom, a big high five to Chantelle du Toit who put together this programme. She told us that she would recommend this product to all moms of little children. “Especially where you have to return to work and you’re not going to put your baby in crèche.” Skidz Activity boxes can be obtained through the Skidz website www.skidz.co.za

October 15, 2015

Mommy Meltdowns

Yesterday I completely lost it with my child. Yes, it was over potty training. After being so good the previous day and using the big toilet, he pooped in his pants. I was just angry. H ow can he be so good and we are back to square one the very next day? I was so frustrated and angry as I did all the cleaning up it took me a while to calm down and say sorry to him. Sorry that I lost my temper. Sorry that I expect you to grow up all at once. Sorry that I expect things to go smoothly: that I expect you to learn this thing immediately. Sorry that I get frustrated cleaning up the sh** life throws at me, that I expect it all to be clean and neat. When in reality life is messy, confusing and it takes time for me to learn something, just like you. I’ve written about toddler tantrums before, and I think we accept that tantrums are part and parcel of this time, that little brains are still developing and can’t process emotions like we can. What is really humbling through, is that as adults we are every bit as vulnerable to loosing our tempers. We shouldn’t, but we do. And how terrifying would it be for a little kid to see Mom yelling and losing it, when we are meant to be the role models regulating our emotions? So I’ve put together some pointers for a Mommy Meltdown: when you feel yourself losing it, follow these pointers, maybe you’ll have more success than me. Breathe. Count. Pray. Exit. Give yourself space – if you need to leave the room to calm down, do it. If you need to distract yourself with something else e.g. a book or your phone, do it. Just give yourself the space you need to calm down. Change your expectations. A lot of my problems are because I am incorrectly assuming things about my son’s ability at this age. Yesterday I woke him up from his nap for swimming. Big mistake. All he wanted to do was sleep and I actually had to go home. Should I really be expecting perfection with potty training? Probably not. Track your triggers. I wrote a post about the Orange Rhino project before and how I drew up a chart and tracked what was making me mad. I found out that the later in the day it was, the more I was losing it. This helped for structuring my day (e.g. cooking in the morning). Me time. This is the most important. I went away for most of Saturday for the SA Mom blog relaunch. I came back and I had so much more energy to give to him! Don’t lose it, use it. Anger can be an opportunity to see why you are getting so upset. Chat to another mom, have a vent, figure out why this is bothering you so much. Often there is a connection to yourself. I have recently been so irritated with Nicky’s clingy behaviour but it has also opened me up to my own helicopter parenting tendencies. Apologise: Even if we do lose it, it’s a chance for us to show our kids that we do make mistakes and we are capable of saying sorry. In the same way we expect them to say sorry too. If you’re having a mommy meltdown, take heart: you are not the only one. Just remember to learn from it so that you can do better than a tantrum toddler next time!

October 14, 2015

Tips To Get You Back In Shape This Summer

New moms often struggle to find any time for themselves. Between what seems like constant feeding, changing and washing, exercise is the last thing on your mind. Yet, getting back into shape is not about maintaining a perfect physique but keeping your energy and fitness levels on par with the increased demands of your new mommy life. Skechers, the globally trusted brand behind Skechers GOwalk 3 walking shoes, believes that a few minutes of focused walking in a week can be a game changer for a new mom that may be descending into burnout or post-baby blues: Get moving when you can – You don’t need to belong to a gym, you don’t need to fit in with a schedule of classes, and you don’t need a completely new wardrobe to get started. You can pick up your house keys, put on your walking shoes, and get out there, whenever it suits you. If you’re a working mom, take your walking break during your lunch hour – you’ll be extra-refreshed and alert when you return to your desk. A few minutes is all you need – You don’t need to be out walking for hours. A 30 minute brisk walk five days a week will help you lose weight, boost your fitness and strengthen your heart. If 30 minutes sounds like a long time, start with 10 minutes, and build up to longer time frames over a week or two. Find a space that relaxes you – Walking in a park or green space can help reduce depression and raise self-esteem, especially when you’ve spent your maternity leave serving the needs of another at the expense of your own. Don’t forget your tummy – You’ll get the best results if you tighten your tummy muscles while you’re walking. This will help you walk up straight, and help your breathing too. Walking isn’t just about your legs – It’s about your arms too! Swinging them as you walk tones the muscles in your arms, shoulders and upper back, and while you may not get Obamarms just from walking, it’ll be a good start… Invest in proper walking shoes – When you’re trying them on make sure that your toes have room to wiggle and that your heels don’t slip. Choose a shoe that’s lightweight and flexible too. Track your progress – You can choose an app on your mobile phone. You’ll be able to track your distance covered as well as your time, and you can set new goals for yourself too. Check if walking saves you money – Many medical aids offer loyalty points for tracking your activity with a pedometer, so chances are you could save yourself some money through the discounts they offer as a reward for investing in your health. Keep things interesting – Walk different routes every day. Ringing the changes will also mean that you don’t make yourself vulnerable to criminal elements who monitor your movements. Vary your pace too and the landscape – Hills may seem daunting, but they’ll work your glutes and burn more calories, while sprint walking between landmarks will add to variety and alleviate boredom too. Find a friend to walk with – If you’re feeling isolated, walking time could be a great way to catch up with your partner or close friend without any other distractions.

October 9, 2015

Making Time For Your Children When Working In The Corporate World

For those people who know me well, they will know that I call a spade a spade and what you see is what you get….in other words I say it like it is! That way I get things off my chest and can move on, so that I can cope with the next thing that comes my way. There is no fluff! Reason I am saying this is because I think it is important to be honest with other women who are in the same boat as me, trying to juggle many balls and still be that perfect mother, wife and friend along the way! This way we can relate better to each other and perhaps find some comfort within each other’s crazy life of “being a working mother”. All full time working mothers will know that planning is key! Being organised and writing lists, checking and rechecking those famous lists and being a magician are the key ingredients to making it work! Oh not to forget one must have a sense of humour and 27 hours in a day! Thinking on one’s feet and making arrangements along the way is crucial. I am a problem solver at work and at home. It is a slight military operation to keep it all together! Who can relate? I am sure many….. Last night I was at work until 8.15pm and I only got home after 8.45pm. My daughter was already asleep and my son waiting up for me. After a busy and stressful day juggling client meetings, a board meeting and managing all the projects I am busy with, honestly I was hoping both kids would be asleep ( how bad is that!) when I got home so I could put my feet up in peace for five minutes before I started to pack their bags for the next day, sign all the notices, wrap the presents for the parties, finish a project, find something for show and tell and diarise all the rest of the activities and requirements for the rest of the week! Shew….. Although I know in my heart that I am doing my very best and more, guilt still constantly eats me up and yes at times I do overcompensate with the kids because of this! Just ask my husband! Yes this life is exhausting and I am not perfect. There are times when I feel like I can’t get out of bed and that I need a break and there are days that I just want to crawl under the duvet when the alarm goes off at 5.15am! I love my family first and foremost, but I also love my work and wouldn’t have things any other way! I feel that personally I am a better mother when I am kept busy, stimulated and I feel more motivated the busier I am…believe it or not I do love my crazy life! However when I am not working, I try to spend as much time as possible with my kids. The week-ends are super important and sacred to us. Usually we take the kids out on a Friday evening to enjoy a meal together as a family with Saturdays being filled up with kid’s parties and some general admin that I can’t seem to get to during the week! My son and my husband both share a love for off road motor biking and spend most Sunday mornings loading up the bikes and on the track at Zone 7 just outside of Cape Town, whilst my daughter is a real homebody and mommy’s girl so is quite happy to chill with me and tag along to have a coffee and do a spot of shopping. Girly stuff generally. I also get roped into playing Barbie’s and building Lego (which I must say I love!) with the two of them. The kids love this one on one time. We try to take the kids to school most mornings and that is our special time to chat in the car. I also try to plan my diary to allow for me to fetch them both at least once a week from school. This is often a surprise for them. To see their happy faces when they see me at the gate, brings tears to my eyes. During the week, when we get home at a decent hour we make time to catch up with the kids about their day and read stores together before bed time. My kids have always had both parents working and don’t really know any different. I am lucky to have amazing support at home which I need especially as my husband commutes to Gauteng most weeks. Being a business owner, I can be flexible and make it work. I try to never miss a sports day, ballet show or gala. I still bake the cakes for the raffle (even if at 11pm!) and lift on outings (thank heavens for IPhone and email on the phone) so that my kids don’t feel it too much. These “small things” are actually a big deal for the kids and I am happy to do it. Being flexible and being able to be at all of these special occasions means that I often have to work till late at night or early in the morning catching up, but that is a small sacrifice to make, to ensure my kids are happy and well-adjusted and I like to think that they are. I hope my little ones will grow up respecting the fact that we as working parents made a lot of sacrifices to maintain a well-balanced life for them, in a warm and loving environment. Having a strong good work ethic is important to us and I want my kids to know that things don’t come easy in life. One has to work hard, be ambitious and have dreams to achieve all ones goals. That is my gift to them!

October 8, 2015

Getting your kids to move again… the fun way!

Global obesity is a growing problem and according to reports, childhood obesity in particular is at its worst levels ever. South African statistics show an alarming number of children are overweight or obese, similar to levels recorded in developed countries more than a decade ago. Parents record a worrying obsession with technology including cellphones, tablets, television and gaming as many of them are specifically designed for children, who seem to prefer them to being active. What’s to be done then? While overweight children are at risk of developing cardiovascular disease and other disorders in adulthood, this is not the only reason to take action and get children eating better and moving – in fact, the earlier, the better! Physical activity has a host of benefits – mental perception levels, social, physical and physiological. And to help busy families teach little ones to move like champs, Virgin Active has introduced a new fundamental movement skills programme for children aged 3 to 7 at their Club-V facilities. Called ‘Active Play’ the programme is a collaboration between the health club and Kinderkinetics at the Department of Sport Science, Stellenbosch University. Why this age group? “The phase between 2-7 years old is considered the fundamental movement phase of gross motor development, says Dr Eileen Africa, Lecturer and Head of Kinderkinetics, Department of Sport Science, Stellenbosch University Dr Africa says, “Fundamental movement skills (FMS) are important because they serve as the basis for what goes beyond. FMS are critical to establish the foundation for participation in more complex movements later in life. An active child is a happy child and a happy child becomes a healthy adult.” “The focus of Active Play is on the development of 10 fundamental movement skills,” says Catherine Coupar, National Junior Member Manager at Virgin Active. “These include running, jumping, hopping, galloping, throwing, catching, striking, kicking, static balance and dynamic balance. Each of these fundamental movement skills has two or more activities created for them. These activities are carried out in fun, short bursts, which we are calling ‘movement moments’, to kick start the children’s skills development with us.” How much ‘active is enough? The World Health Organisation (WHO) sets the guidelines for children in order to improve cardiorespiratory and muscular fitness and bone health. Children and youth aged between 5 and 17 should accumulate at least 60 minutes of moderate to vigorous-intensity physical activity daily. Dr Africa says, “This kind of activity used to be a normal part of childhood but the time children spend on active play is limited for the following reasons: safety issues, both parents employed, smaller gardens, toys that make a difference to activity (like bicycles) are expensive, busy lifestyles and of course technology. “Kinderkinetics,” she says, “decided to collaborate with Virgin Active on this project because it is the perfect platform to share our passion for children’s health and wellbeing. We have written the Active Play manual to help make activities in Club-V more structured and scientifically-based. We also want to make parents more aware of the type of activities that can be done to help their children.” How it works Club-V staff, who are qualified in early childhood development and paediatric first aid, have been fully trained and have their own equipment toolkit – including ladders, bean bags, cones, hula hoops and more as well as cue cards to effectively deliver the movement skills programme. The aim is to keep it fun, aspirational and interactive. Every child will get his or her own Active Play book (which stays at the club) and every time an activity is completed a tick goes onto the relevant page in their book. Once they have received all ticks for that activity, they receive a sticker for their book, as a sign of achievement of that movement skill. Once the whole book is filled up, they receive a certificate, which they take home, along with their finished book, in order to share their success with mum and dad. Rewarding progress “We will continue to add new activities every few months, which means the children start new books and continue to learn new activities to keep them stimulated and moving as well as becoming more proficient at these movement skills,” says Coupar. “In addition, we will also have extra movement and activity ideas for parents so that they can actively exercise and play at home with their children.” Active Play is now available at all Club-V facilities. Look out for the poster campaign which has as its pay off line: ‘Make friends with us. We’re learning to move, the fun way.’ So if your life is busy and time for exercise is tight but you have your child’s wellbeing at heart, make Active Play your kid’s ‘exercise companion’ to ensure your kids get moving and are active. And of course, stay happy.

September 28, 2015

The Criticism Cycle

The competition starts before we are even aware. We begin the competition from the day we are born. Parents actually set up the first rivalry. Babies are judged by who is longer or bigger at birth. It continues with when a baby walks talk’s train’s counts and manipulates objects. Parents may refuse to believe they are remotely in any race but the reality of the matter is from babyhood through adulthood we are programmed to compete. When we compete we set the stage for a winner and so there must be at least one or more losers. Has anyone proven that there are rewards for keeping down whole food at the youngest possible age? Does walking at ten months make one more special than walking at eighteen months? Is bigger better really? If we answer no to theses questions but still discuss our child’s size then we are a hypocrite. Think for a minute. No one goes around saying my child is in the ten percent in height and weight. My child walked later than most children. Seriously, if we set parameters all the time, there will be those that surpass them and those that will simply fail. The question is if it is worth out time and effort. Jumping further into the future we struggle with school work and the best speakers, writers and math stars. If a child does poorly we begin stressing his or her sports ability. Suddenly we are giving up on school work and in the process brainwashing our child into believing they don’t have the ability to be successful in school. How detrimental it is to discover our realities manifesting due to our own making. The same is true of the scholar who is believed to be only good at school work. They come to believe they have no athletic capabilities. When this happens we are not allowing our children to be all that they can be and more. It boils down to competition. We forget the possibility that with training, the poor athlete may get better or the poor scholar may find his or her niche and discover the cure for a disease. This is not as crazy as it might sound. The superficial part believes we can peg any person into a certain hole and leave them there. Grandparents may add to this competition. They begin comparing grandchildren by saying this one will be great in school and this one will be getting an athletic scholarship. This sounds so silly. The children are perhaps toddlers. What happened to the goals of kindness and caring as well as empathy and selflessness? Maybe it is time to reflect on the altruistic attributes. Children will display what we expect of them. If we expect our child to mess up in high school because that is what teens do then that is what our kids will do. They return to us what we believe. Don’t expect your son or daughter to party through college and just possibly they won’t. Parents pit their children against each other every time they compare them. One year in time may find one child with more strength or endurance while another is lacking. It is not necessary to point this out. It is also not necessary to push the child in need to be the same. It is okay to be different. We are not all the same but we all are important and unique. Forcing everyone to love music, dance, sports, book learning or anything else is foolish. Yes we all need to learn and become educated but we can’t force a love of math or science. We can’t force the stamina to work out for an athletic endeavour. Siblings can be close friends if parents allow them to simply be themselves. Love your children. That is the only requirement of parenthood that will make all the difference in the world. Other people can and will influence your children along the way. At that point the parents should have created a firm foundation. It ought to maintain them and allow them to weather any questionable time in life. If siblings compete, their brother or sister becomes the enemy. Sometimes we might have the ability but not the interest to pursue certain athletic or educational goals. Other times the timing is not yet right for us. Being a good person first is what we should be striving for. In the end we will find our way. The uttermost person at the top with the best idea cannot always make it happen without those working with him or her to attain the goal. Without all of us the finest thoughts can be laid to rest. After all of our growing years are over, the end result is an adult ready to face the struggles of the real world competition. It is sad to find people pitted against each other rather than working together. The fastest worker gets the raise. The best personality befriends the boss. The schmoozer secures his job. The book learned person keeps ahead of the masses. One wonders about the true identity of anyone. We may want to ask the real person to stand up. Our importance does not depend on our pushing someone beneath us. It depends on how many people we manage to lift up to stand beside us. The baby test needs to be rewritten or dumped altogether. It is time to help each other rather than hurt each other. Children shouldn’t have to begin life believing they are less than others. We need to love them as they are and have faith and belief in them. When anyone receives love they have the ability to bounce it back to others. The more love received, the more love bounced and spread around to others. It will leave us all with only one goal. The goal will be to manifest as much love as we can so that wherever we look we will find it.

September 24, 2015

7 Things Every Child of Divorce Needs

PARENTS WHO LISTEN MORE AND SPEAK LESS. A child’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviour may be unstable during this difficult time. They need to be able to express how they feel without their emotions begin stuffed. Some of the things they say may be difficult for the parent to hear, so don’t dismiss or minimise what is said or how they feel. REGULAR ACCESS TO GRANDPARENTS. Relationships with your extended family may be difficult for you, but the kids still need them. Determine what access grandparents and other extended family members will have to your children and remain open to the fact that these adults can be very helpful during this difficult time. It can often times be easier for children to express their feelings to grandparents and others. PARENTS WILLING TO TAKE A PARENTING CLASS. I’m not talking about the inexpensive divorce class that most states require all divorcing parents to go through, I’m talking about a multi-session parenting class in which parents learn about the development stages of childhood and what constitutes normal and abnormal behaviour. Getting this additional help from a class or even a parent coach can prepare you for major behaviour challenges caused by the divorce. FIRM BOUNDARIES AND LIMITATIONS. Even though many children and teens will push the limits even further during a divorce, they require firm rules to know that the parents are still in charge and care. Firm boundaries creates feelings of safety and love, especially during difficult times such as divorce. Avoid the urge to give in and bend rules, just to avoid hearing the dreadful statement, “I want to go live with my Dad (or Mom).” RESPECTFUL TALK ABOUT THE OTHER PARENT. Your issues with your ex are your issues, not your child’s. No matter how terrible of a person you feel your ex was to you or to the kids, your children will most likely still see them as the wonderful, flawless parent they once were. You don’t have to speak affectionately about them in front of the kids, just respectfully. CONSISTENCY ON RULES OF ACCESS TO INAPPROPRIATE MATERIAL. Your son comes home from a visitation with the other parent, with a new smart phone, tablet, violent video game, or any other object you normally don’t allow him to have. Avoid thinking that he can keep it just because the other parent gave it to him. Calmly and kindly hold on to that item until the next visitation occurs. You can’t do anything about what your child is exposed to in the other parent’s home, but you can in your own. PARENTS WITH EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. Going through a divorce can be devastating and something no one should go through alone. Seek out support groups in your community to get the help you need. Many churches offer a continuing workshop and support group called Divorce Care that is open to anyone, even if you are not a member of the church. Your children need you emotionally strong and able to provide the support they will need to get through this difficult time.

September 24, 2015

The Importance Of Being A Loving And Involved Dad

Some time ago, I went to a talk on gender issues at my sons’ school by Prof Cheryl de la Rey, during which she voiced her concern about the large percentage of boys in SA growing up without fathers and how this lack of male guidance may be linked to the high rate of gender-based violence, particularly rape, in our country. This got me thinking and researching the topic. It seems fatherless boys feel incomplete, alone and lacking a strong identity. They are more drawn to seek acceptance in groups – unfortunately not always positive influences. They often struggle with discipline issues (are more likely to display ‘hypermasculine’ behaviour, including aggression) at home and at school, where they are outperformed by students with fathers in all subjects. They’re also more likely to make poor choices, including becoming fathers early, getting involved in crime and abusing alcohol and/or drugs, which can impact their lives forever. The emotional availability and involvement of a father in a child’s life is quite possibly more important than the physical presence of fathers in the household on a day-to-day basis. In South Africa, where migrant labour is still a big issue, this is an important factor. A study in Botswana concluded that “children are not necessarily disadvantaged by the absence of their father, but they are disadvantaged when they belong to a household without access to the social position, labour, and financial support that is provided by men.” Men providing financial support for their children could mean the difference between children being given a good education, better living conditions and a chance in life versus growing up in poverty. A study in America found that children in father-absent homes are almost four times more likely to be poor. In 2011, 12% of children in married-couple families were living in poverty, compared to 44% of children in mother-only families. In South Africa, it was estimated by Ms Richter of the HSRC (Human Sciences Research Council) that around 54% of men aged 15-49 years were fathers, but that nearly 50% of these fathers did not have daily contact with their children. The failure of men to acknowledge and/or support their children, together with high rates of sexual and physical abuse, which is perpetrated mainly by men, points to a situation of ‘men in crisis’ in South Africa. Poverty and high rates of unemployment may be a contributing factor in the large numbers of fathers failing to take responsibility of their children – many are financially unable to do so. This can lead to a downward spiral where fathers may be there physically, but emotionally they indulge in alcohol or drugs and become irresponsible and unresponsive to their families. Whether parents of children are married or not also plays a role in whether the father will be absent or present. A study in Soweto and Johannesburg found that only 20% of fathers who were not married to their child’s mother at the time of its birth were still in contact with their children by the time they were 11 years old. Research by the SA Institute of Race Relations indicates that “the typical” child is raised by a mother in a single-parent household. Most fathers are alive, but absent. A racial dimension was evident in trends of absent fathers – in 2009 black children under 15 years had the lowest percentage of present fathers at 30%, compared to 53% for coloured children, 85% for Indians and 83% for whites. Only 35% of children were living with both their biological parents in 2008. Boys need their dads. Not just ANY dads though – dads who are good male role models; kind, loving, involved and interested in their children. Dads they can admire, respect and aspire to be like. Girls need their dads too. Girls who grow up with their fathers are more likely to have higher self-esteem, lower levels of risky sexual behaviour, and fewer difficulties in forming and maintaining romantic relationships later in life. They have less likelihood of having an early pregnancy, bearing children outside marriage, marrying early, or getting divorced. Both boys and girls are less likely to be obese, according to a survey done in the USA. It seems growing up without a dad can be a make or break factor in later life. There are many negatives, but there are also many examples of extremely successful men and women who have enormous drive and ambition partly because of the untimely death of or abandonment by their fathers. These include: Halle Berry, Orlando Bloom, Pierce Brosnan, Mariah Carey, 50 Cent, Eric Clapton, Bill Clinton, Samuel Jackson, John Lennon, Marilyn Monroe, Demi Moore, Jack Nicholson, Al Pacino, Clive Owen, Julia Roberts, Barbra Streisand, Shania Twain. The success of these celebrities may be largely attributed to being raised well by their single mothers. Here are a few tips for single mothers on raising happy, healthy and successful children: Support your child by recognising their strengths, talents and gifts; talk about these and do whatever you can to give them opportunities to excel at these. Help your child to be part of a healthy “tribe” or group – church, a sports team, drama club, dance group – rather than leaving it up to them to find their own peer group. Watch out for silent anger. Be compassionate and keep an eye out for less obvious signs such as exasperation at school, bullying or self loathing. Encourage your child to express their anger in a positive way, or get help for them to learn better coping methods. Beware of lopsided views about sex, love and trust. Boys don’t get the practical advice they need about sex from their dads that would carry them into healthy, fulfilling relationships as men. They may also have a deep-seated hurt leading them to view love as a weakness, and could have difficulty trusting someone with their heart. Girls often confuse sex with love, and could get involved in early sexual behaviour hoping to

September 23, 2015

How Does Debt Counselling Work?

Debt counselling is the process of assisting consumers who have debt related problems. With the total consumer debt exceeding R1.4 trillion in South Africa alone, there is a growing need for professional debt assistance. Debt is unfortunately a harsh reality for many people – with thousands of individuals struggling to make ends meet, assistance is often needed. A debt counsellor will draft a budget for you – this will reflect your income less your expenses (mortgage, food, school fees, etc.). The debt counsellor will then establish an affordable repayment instalment for you, according to the money you have available. Your debt counsellor can also negotiate with your creditors on your behalf, to obtain reduced premiums for you, allowing you to pay off your debt in a reasonable period of time. The debt counselling process often includes the following services: Professional budget advice Payment restructuring Negotiating with credit providers Monitoring payments Providing after-care support At Help My Debt we handle all the negotiation on your behalf and take care of the entire administration process, as outlined by the NCA. We help you to regain your financial freedom by providing professional debt counselling services according to your unique needs. We work to deliver a professional and focused service to over-indebted consumers. The Benefits of Debt Counselling By making use of a professional debt counsellor, you can benefit from the following: One affordable instalment Legal protection from your credit providers Enough money to cover your basic monthly living expenses We negotiate on your behalf with credit providers You will be on the road to becoming debt free

September 22, 2015

The Amazing Sleep Trainer for Young Children

Toddlers are inquisitive little people. Their heads are filled with new exciting ideas, their hearts are full of adventure and they start each morning full of energy for the new day. Buy, this start might be at an entirely inappropriate time for parents! As a parent of a toddler, there is nothing worse than hearing your child at 5am and realising that they are ready to start their day right away. It is socially acceptable for a toddler to have a daytime nap, but that is less acceptable for tired parents! However if we consider for a moment how the toddler must feel, we realise that it is not as simple as just going back to bed. As adults, if we wake in the night we can check our clocks and know that we have hours more sleep to have before we need to be up. Toddlers don’t yet have that ability. How do they know the difference between 3 minutes until wake up time, and 3 hours? During the sunny summer months, with late sunsets and early sunrises how do they know that daylight outside doesn’t necessarily mean it is time to wake up? Thank goodness the Gro Company has the solution. Introducing the Gro-clock is a toddler sleep training clock that can help the entire family to manage their sleep patterns. By aiding children’s understanding of day and night, it can help prevent early morning wake up calls. The Gro-clock has an illuminated LCD screen with friendly images of stars, and a sun to communicate ‘sleep’ and ‘wake –up’ time. It comes with a free bedtime book called ‘Sleepy Farm’ that explains in a simple and toddler-friendly story, why to use the clock, and why it is important to stay in bed until the sun. The clock is set by the parents, who designate a ‘wake-up’ time. At night the toddler and their parent read the story, and then say goodnight to their clock. The clock ‘goes to sleep’ (the screen shows a sleeping star surrounded by small stars. Through the night the stars count down and in the morning at the designated wake-up time, the screen changes to a happy yellow sun. If the toddler wakes in the night, they will be able to see the stars and understand that it is not morning time yet. They know that it isn’t morning until the sun comes up. By counting down the stars and waiting for the sun to come up, children learn what time they can get out of bed – as set by their parents. The Gro-clock teaches a healthy sleep routine which can transform families’ lives. There is a digital clock display for older children, which is great for encouraging number and time recognition. For toddlers who want to press the buttons on their clock, there is a parental key lock option! The Gro-clock allows parents to enter two different wake up times, so their child can use the clock for their night time sleep and their daytime nap. The brightness on the screen is adjustable and in case it is needed, there is also an alarm clock option. The Gro-clock genuinely changes parents lives, in the UK there are over 1500 5* reviews on Amazon, and parents all over the world can’t stop talking about it! ‘I don’t think I could be without our Gro-Clock now and I would highly recommend it for toddlers!’ Laura Evelyn Bee- Parent Blogger and mum of 3 year old girl. ‘Darcie rarely wakes now and if she does she normally can self soothe. I really don’t know why I have waited so long to try this amazing product …! So if you’re struggling with bedtime and getting them to stay in their own room, make sure you give this a try’ Mummy Burgess- parent blogger and mum of 2 year old Darcie 5am wake ups can be a thing of the past with the Gro-clock- How do you get your children to understand when it’s time to get up? SIMPLE “stay in bed until you see the sun!”

September 21, 2015

Appropriate Boundaries In Parenting

What do parents most want from children? Is it obedience – for children to do what parents think is best whether for the benefit of the child or for the parent? Could it be love – that parents want their children to love them unconditionally as parents try to love their children unconditionally? What about becoming good citizens who are responsible, pleasant to be around, non-offensive to others, and working toward success and independence? And, does love equal respect? So, how do parents get what they most want from their children? The answer is setting appropriate boundaries. These boundaries look and feel different depending on the chosen parenting style. There are typically three styles of parenting with some parents jumping from one style to the other depending on what point or convenience they believe is important to make at the time. The first boundary style is called “lines in the sand” as described here: 4-year old Jody and her mother are eating lunch at a local restaurant. Jody wants some gum out of the gum ball machine and asks her mom for some money. When mom says “Not now, sweetie”, Jody continues to ask and mom continues to deny the request. Mom decides to call a friend on her cell phone and while mom is distracted Jody goes into her mom’s wallet, gets a handful of change, puts the coins in the machine and comes back to the table with some gum in her mouth. After a bit, Mom finally notices Jody chewing gum and tells her friend the whole story as Jody listens. Mom expresses to her friend she just doesn’t understand why Jody doesn’t obey her. Jody is never personally scolded for her poor choice or instructed how to make a better choice. Although many parents want to have fun with their children, when a parent draws a line in the sand as the boundary for the child to follow, the relentless waves of the tide come in and wash the line away each time it is drawn. Therefore, what did Jody learn? If this parenting style is used often, Jody will relentlessly test her mom and other authority figures just to see where the boundaries actually are. Often, foster parents are unsure of where to place boundaries on foster children and may be overly lenient to compensate for the hurt foster children have experienced. “Lines in the sand” parenting tells foster children that 1) they are not good enough to have set or standard boundaries and will need to set their own, 2) the parent is incapable of setting appropriate boundaries, or 3) they are special and don’t need to follow the same boundaries as other family members. This parenting style leads birth and foster children toward rebellion breeding chaos, fighting, disrespect and a low sense of self- worth. The second style of parenting is described as a “brick wall”. Picture it … a tall, thick, red brick wall. Does it signify protection, strength, a sense of durability; or could it be described more cold, looming, harsh, and impenetrable? Children need the protection and strength from parents but never do they need parents to be unwelcoming, forbidding, rigid or unforgiving. Children also need the opportunity to learn to make good choices. A safe and comfortable home environment is where children can experience many opportunities to practice making choices. Being allowed to make choices encourages confidence. If children find the answer to their requests always being “no”, and / or a place where guilt and un-forgiveness is the rule of the day, then those children will seek acceptance elsewhere and usually in unfavourable settings. This parenting style also leads children to rebellion breeding chaos, fighting, disrespect and a low sense of self-worth. Often children run from rigidity because their inherent sense of free will or freedom of choice is being squelched. Foster children have often been reared in homes which have neglected their needs either through moving or non-existent boundaries, such as “lines in the sand”; or very strict boundaries described as “brick wall” parenting. The two extremes in parenting have been explained leaving the third parenting style of the “deep-rooted tree”. Picture a tall sturdy tree whose branches spread out over the yard giving shelter, shade, beauty, freedom, creativity, recreation and a feeling of being tested over time. One of the benefits of this parenting style is the manner in which life’s storms are weathered – with grace, flexibility and wisdom. There’s no room for arrogance, impatience or pity. A quiet strength is rooted in good soil rich with healthy nutrients expressing the importance of taking care of oneself and of others. There are no inappropriate expectations nor judgement but a joy when family members choose to spend time together under the tree. Delightful flowers and foliage often bring forth delicious fruit allowing others to share from the bounty and the beauty this style offers. When the storms come, deeply planted roots hold the tree upright with a strong trunk. The branches know just how far to bend without breaking from the wind. And so it is with this parenting style. As children need strength and wisdom from their parents, they also need flexibility. “Deep-rooted” parenting has a strong foundation supporting children to learn from their personal experiences through proper guidance in making effective choices. These teaching moments become life lessons which mould children’s character and prepare them to respond appropriately in future situations. As foster parents, strength with flexibility offered to all children shows parents care about children as individuals, that parents believe in children and trust their ability to make good choices for their level of development. Children experience freedom and peace when acting within appropriate boundaries. In return, through time parents will receive the love and respect that they demonstrate to others. Although flexibility is the key element in appropriate boundaries, determining how far a parent is willing to go and being consistent in not going beyond the boundary limit is crucial. A

September 10, 2015

21 Places To Put Sudocrem Other Than On Your Baby’s Bottom

It may be thick, pasty and a pain in the (literal) ass to rub in, but Sudocrem has kept #babyjake 100% nappy rash free for all 11 months of his existence. And apart from keeping his little bummy wummy soft and dry, there are many uses for this cream beyond the bum. I can vouch for many of these (I am particularly skilled in use #14), but thankfully I don’t have much experience with others (#’s 11 and 16 would fall into this category). Whatever the ailment though, there is something in here for everyone. So here are 21 places to put sudocrem other than on your baby’s bottom: 1. All Round Healing Cream thanks to Zinc Oxide. The joy of Sudocrem is its high Zinc Oxide content. That’s the magical antibacterial and anti-inflammatory ingredient that makes this cream an all-round healer. When Zinc Oxide is applied to a wound area, it provides the body with the extra zinc it needs to repair skin cells. Use it on rashy patches, cuts, grazes and, well, any skin irritations for that matter (great for those annoying grass rashes and for teething/drool chin rash!) 2. Acne. Perhaps the most famed of all uses (even more so than as a bum cream) is its role in clearing acne, spots, blemishes, pimples and breakouts. Simply apply to the spot in question, and watch it magically reduce in redness and size. 3. Face Mask. Yes. It’s true. Because Sudocrem is so thick and pasty, you can’t use it as a regular moisturiser. But you can use it once a week as an all-round face mask. This DIY beauty hack has even made its way into celebrity circles. After your regular bedtime cleansing, smear Sucocrem all over your whole face (you can try massage it in, but you won’t get very far). Then leave it to absorb overnight. It helps tighten pores and prevent the buildup of sebum, reducing the formation of blackheads and pimples. You will go to bed looking like Casper, but you will wake up looking fresher and smoother, with a more even complexion. Be sure to sleep on a towel. Do this once a week only. 4. This one is for the Dads. Shaving Rash / Razor Burn 5. Rough, cracked heels (apply cream, put socks on, and allow to seep in overnight). 6. Wrinkles. It’s a hell of a lot cheaper than La Mer, so I figure there isn’t much to lose by trying this one out. Zinc is a natural astringent – that means it tightens the skin’s elastic fiber leading to a reduced appearance of wrinkles. 7. Insect Bites and Stings. Sudocrem contains a mild local anaesthetic to ease discomfort. 8. To prevent and soothe chaffing (be it from cycling or because your thighs rub together in summer). 9. Sweat Rashes (you know, those pesky under the boob ones). 10. Primer. Another DIY beauty trick. Apply a tiny (TINY) bit here and there as you would a regular primer, before applying makeup. It will provide your skin with a thin barrier so that your foundation / eye shadow can be applied without sinking into pores and creases. Once rubbed in, it isn’t greasy and doesn’t leave you looking shiny. It actually leaves a matte finish. Be careful not to slather it on too thickly though, or you may end up looking like a ghostly, pale and chalky corpse. 11. Can be used to help treat Eczema, Psoriasis, Molluscum, Bedsores, Chilblains and Warts (again, the zinc works its magic here). 12. Dogs also get dry patches, itchy sores and tail chaffing. Sudocrem is recommended by many a vet (but it can be difficult to clean so make sure that you rub it in really well and while it is not toxic, just keep an eye out that your dog doesn’t lick too much of it off.) 13. Apply around your hairline when applying hair dye / colour, to prevent your skin from staining. 14. Sunburn, the ultimate after-sun treatment. There we were, frolicking on our first seaside holiday as a new family. And somehow, I missed the First-Time-Mom-Memo that states that you will still burn under an umbrella. So after a lovely swim (where #babyjake was pathologically lathered in SPF 100 and kitted out in his UVA/UVB protective scuba suit), we had a little post-swim lie down in the umbrella’s shade. Shade being the operative word in that sentence. 3 hours later and I had sunburnt my 4 month old to lobster red status. Of course, good old Google warned us that “Your baby will die within 2 hours if emergency medical action is not taken”. And so, after several hysterical phone calls to every after-hours Paed in Durban, Sudocrem and its high zinc content saved us. Applied hourly, every hour, for 24 hours, and well #babyjake left Durban with a lovely tan. Tip: Leave the tub in the fridge, and apply the cooled cream to really ease the burn. #firsttimemom 15. Dry, callous knees and elbows. 16. Piles, haemorrhoids and painful bowel movements. 17. When ailed with colds and flu, apply under the nose to prevent dryness and chaffing from excessive wiping and blowing 18. Itchy and inflamed scar tissue. This has soothed my still itchy, (actual) emergency c-section cut. 19. Protect your manicured hands when washing the dishes. Sudocrem’s water-repellent base creates a protective seal. Also great to protect your little one’s chin from the drool floodgates of teething. Just apply and the drool won’t cause a chin rash. 20. Bruises. To reduce appearance and swelling. 21. Emergency Redness Reduction (whether you’ve just plucked your eyebrows minutes before needing to leave the house, or have woken up looking like Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer). Tip: Remember a little goes a long way. You only ever need to use a teeny tiny smidgen (except for when you sunburn your 4 month old baby, then go wild.)

September 7, 2015

Can Our Actions Increase Or Lessen Fear?

Fear consumes our lives. We base all of our decisions on our fears. Fear is not a rich or poor man’s baggage. It is not an educated or uneducated man’s burden. Doubt has nothing to do with our upbringing, environment, the people we choose for friends, nor the people who are our relatives. It is not based on jobs, capabilities or personalities. Just as we all have to eat and rest for survival, we all share similar concerns. Strange to find nobody spends much time talking about our anxieties, unless we are going to a therapist. The concerns of others, as well as our own apprehensions, make us feel inadequate. Doubt brings us down. It appears smarter to ignore our trepidations as much as we can. But once in a while, they explode. At those few and far between times we deal with them, resolve them as best we can, and move on. Fear is perhaps viewed as a weakness, and vulnerability is not what society as a whole, admires. Our society values strength and independence. We function well in most situations. There are just those times daily, weekly monthly when we must encounter some forms of alarm, and resolve them for the moment. Instead of just solving them for the moment, it would be better to learn to understand them. so Logically they would either go away, or rarely show their faces. To strengthen muscles takes a long tedious time. To strengthen our understanding of fright is also a slow process. It will involve many setbacks. With understanding we will see fear as a natural strength that keeps us safe. At times, we spend so much time contemplating about terror that we forget to simply live our lives. We need to begin at the beginning to understand where anxiety comes from, why it controls us and dominates our lives, how it affects us, what effects it produces, why it is detrimental to us, how we can see it for what it is, and how we can stop it. We begin our lives in total fear. What’s happening? Why am I being launched out of my cozy comfortable environment? We are literally pushed away from our comfort zone. We struggle through a narrow tunnel and explode into a cold world. We then struggle to breathe. Getting jostled around, rubbed roughly, and invaded in our oral and nasal passages before finally managing to inhale a cold searing breath for the first time. Welcome into the human world. After being swiftly wrapped, we are placed by our mother’s side for love, warmth and nurturing. Doubts arise from the start of our lives. Right from the beginning we are consumed with fear and thus begins our long journey and inseparable attachment to worry. I’m not really suggesting that our birth is the reason we live our lives in fear. Our births may be slightly traumatic, but existence is much more stressful and traumatic in terms of daily survival. Babies cling to their moms and with good reason. They are aware that it is mom and dad who feed them and comfort them. Babies know that without mom and dad they can’t get to the food. Every moment they wait for mom or dad to be present and pick them up, and care for them. Their existence depends on their parents. The baby’s journey of a lifetime of fear has already begun. If we questioned how important parents are to a growing baby, we would see why the baby’s terrors are a genuine reality. No one can explain to a baby that they will get fed even if mom or dad is not present. Grandma or Papa or some other caring adult will step in. If the baby was alert to this, the fear might dissipate but babies are not aware of all that is happening around them. They want their mother. As a toddler matures, he or she begins to realise that other people are within his sphere and may help to satisfy his needs. It comforts a very young child, to know that they have more adults to rely upon in time of need. Our next journey through our childhood years begins with the realisation, that we are not the only ones in the universe. We are taught to wait our turn and share. This is no easy feat When mom and dad are mad at us, we feel queasy in our stomachs. We begin to think. What happens to us, if mom and dad stop loving us? If they get angry with us, they might go away, and where would we be then? Most young children acquiesce and do as their parents instructed. Children don’t outwardly say what they are feeling, but they experience a love hate relationship with their parents. They trust them and run to them but also push them away in anger. They are striving for independence, yet still rely on their parents for survival. When a new baby arrives, a tremendous anxiety takes root in the soul of its sibling. Now the child must contend with a rival. The young child views the parents gushing about the new arrival. He or she must now wait for the parents’ attention. Mom and dad have less patience, and time, since the baby arrived. At one time the parents would have laughed when he or she spilled the cereal. The child is not cute when they spill their cereal now. Nobody told the child the rules would change with the new arrival. There is a new playing field. The fear of losing mom and dad’s love turns into jealousy with the baby. The child’s attention focuses on the baby. Jealousy evolves into frustration and anger. The resulting build-up of anger, and doubts about his parents’ love, causes the young child to retaliate with physical force against the new intruder or sibling. Now if parents do not handle this properly, the anger and retribution will continue in an infinite cycle.

August 31, 2015

Going Beyond “Fine”

It’s a typical complaint that the majority of parents have – that their kids don’t tell them about what is going on in their lives; that very early on they stop communicating. You pick them up from school and ask how their day was, and all you get is “fine”. Have you ever wondered why that is, and how to go beyond just “fine”? We’re complaining about our kids lacking in communication skills, but who do they learn this from? Us, of course. And what could be a worse example of true communication than asking a child “How was your day?” If you really look at it, you’ll see that it is such a conditioned, automated question that it doesn’t even warrant an answer. We live most of our adult lives asking and answering automated questions: “Hi, how are you?” “Fine, thanks, and you?” Do you really care how the other person is? Do you want a true response or to get into a conversation about their current troubles and successes? Not really. We know this, and our kids watching us know this too, so when we ask them a similarly unconscious question they don’t feel the need to supply more than the typically automated response. We forget that kids are still fully engaged in the world, and we need to meet them where they’re at, not come at them with our adult switched-offness! If you want true communication with your kids, you need to start truly communicating with them. Start by asking a question that actually implies that you are interested in them and their lives. Instead of “How was your day?” try: “Is your best friend back at school today?” “Is the PT teacher still wearing those silly shorts?” “Who had the most delicious lunch today?” “What games did you play on the playground?” These are just some ideas to get you going, but if you follow the next part of true communication i.e. actually listening to what the other person is saying, I’m sure you’ll come up with some more of your own! So the trick to going beyond just “fine” is this: If you want a real answer, ask a real question!

August 28, 2015

Good Parenting Boosts Happiness

I have worked with children my entire life up to this point in time. I have raised four children, and at present, have seven grandchildren, I was a children’s librarian, worked at a day care facility, pre-schools, private school system, and many years at public school systems. I have a dual certification in special education and elementary education. I have been a witness to the upsets and stresses placed on our children. When so many children are hurting, it is time to ask ourselves why? Speaking for the children is important to me. Many educational books have been written. Many parenting books have been written. All of these books that give excellent advice have been ignored, because things are worse, not better. Words have not reached or penetrated anyone because the problems keep increasing. It is time to look at this dilemma with new eyes. We can’t fix it with the old way of thinking. Our challenge as parents is to look at the facts. The facts do not lie. Witnessing what is missing in our homes might promote an aggressive attempt at a new approach. It is essential that parents be included in this new endeavour. For too long society has left out these key ingredients: mother and father. Success comes from the love and nurturing at home. Teachers can’t teach without parental support. Society can’t reteach or rehabilitate broken children easily, or possibly ever, without parental involvement. Against all odds, some children grow up in poor circumstances but rise to become superstars. T he difference in their home environments was love, encouragement, and support from their parents, or another caring adult. The power of love has been greatly underestimated. Although we all love our children, demonstrating this with hard work is paramount. This means placing our children’s needs first, constant watchfulness, and guiding them with integrity and righteousness. Minds will be open to an alternative way of thinking and solving our academic problems. Functional problems at home result in most of the academic and behavioural problems at school. I am devastated and diminished from the hurts and emotional scars children endure daily I hope to reach parents, administrators, and authorities on an emotional level, by sharing my own experiences, and those of others. Stopping the unconscious mistreatment of children is my goal. By stopping some harmful choices we make, children improve emotionally and academically. It certainly is worth the determination for all of us to make an effort. We all make mistakes, but not all of us admit it to ourselves. We can all improve, but not all of us will attempt to correct what is wrong. Telling someone to improve, or encouraging someone to make progress does not usually work if that person cannot believe or see they are deficient. Most people worry about their own sense of importance. We constantly compare ourselves to others and fall short by our standards. I think it is because we are measuring the wrong things. Parenting has taken a back seat the length of a mile. It is not even considered something we should contemplate. Good Loving parenting promotes huge feelings of success. Parenting is fulfilling rewarding and happiness producing. It is a worthy goal to accomplish and the highest goal any of us can ever achieve. Again I say “don’t ask yourself if you are happy, instead ask yourself if your life has meaning and if you are a parent It most definitely does have tremendous meaning.

August 25, 2015

What Forms A Memory?

There are moments in time, that are imprinted in our minds, and often we replay them over and over. If we remember a time a parent brought comfort or support, then at a difficult moment in the present, we recall that thought, and it might bring tears to our eyes. It can be both good memories, and happy memories, but they have remained etched within our brains. We retrieve them when necessary. I think these are helpful crutches, but I believe we stretch the memories to fit our needs. When someone hurts us, by reflecting on a time when a parent soothed us, or a past love supported us, we ache for that time period and resent the present. When our mood changes for the better, we place the memory into the back of our minds, and keep it handy to summon it again when necessary. Perhaps the past wasn’t quite as tender, as we make it, and we leave out the bad pieces, only focusing on the good. That is fine, as long as we don’t confuse the reality of the situation. The past with its problems and emotions, should remain in the past. Recalling happy times is wonderful, but the poorer times in the present, may seem to get exaggerated, when compared to the past. It is helpful to use the comforting thoughts of the past, as a support for the present, but when the pain is subsiding, accept the embellishment we made of our past. No one from our earlier years, is as good or as bad as we portray them to be. They were humans with their vices and virtues. It is as harmful to forget their bad effects, as it is to forget the worth. When we fight with our husbands, a previous love appears awesome. We put their ill features out of our minds. Same is true with our parents. We sometimes recall everything good and block the meanness. Likewise we might remember the hurtful moments but delete any pleasant times. I think we can use the former joyful periods, as a security blanket, when we need it. I also believe we may recall the tough phases of our lives, as a reminder to be thankful for the pleasant present, we are currently enjoying. If we experienced a problematic childhood, use it to be a better parent and discipline with kindness. Try not to think of any negative occurrences, as wasteful stages. On reflection, as we reminisce, face the ghosts you have hidden, and realise they add dimension to your life in many ways. Embrace the heartache you endured, and accept the anxieties and fear. Turn them around in a way that helps you deal with the current problems in your life. Hiding our emotions doesn’t resolve anything. Facing them gives us the assertiveness we need to diminish them. What might have seemed terrorising as a child, when looked at it from an adult point of view, is manageable. Of course I am not talking about huge trauma issues, which may require professional help. I am concerned with the many small issues, that develop with people, due to unreasonable teachings and fears. To this day I do not take a nap, even if I was up half the night. It is totally due to the fact, my mother thought naps were terrible. She reasoned naps were for lazy people. It was drilled. Even during pregnancies it was a no no in my mind. I have resolved this to a point, but the engendering is hard to overcome. How simple this appears, but the power of our suggestion as a parent is amazing. Parents have far-reaching influence. Likely we must take the good of the learning, and leave behind the crazy notions. The peacefulness of recapturing blissful times is rejuvenating. After the time out, we can cope better with our glitches. I am left with answering what makes our memories, and I know it isn’t our major outings nor our expensive gifts. It is those times that are full of emotions of any kind. if we are full of high spirits when we are with our family, chances are it will set in cement. Unfortunately, anything forceful of a negative manner, such as anger, screaming, yelling, and intense threatening emotions, will also play back again and again in our recall system. I would suggest we watch what remembrances, we are embedding within our kids psych. We do not want to teach anger and revenge, with constant fighting. In a divorce situation, we must worry about revenge and hate, as well as distrust. What a child experiences becomes their memory bank. We should realise how much we underestimate our child’s ability, to observe more than we think. All we need to think about, is how much we remember from our own history. Secrets spurred our interest. Knowing the thoughts of our past, might help us to refrain from the same mistakes. Of course we will definitely make our own errors, but when parenting with thought, our mistakes should be lessened. How we make others feel, is what will be remembered. When I went through a trying situation, what I remember is anyone who said some needed words or gave me physical contact with a hug. At those moments some of my fear was diminished and released. I and all of us can’t explain the power of the emotions, to work miracles, but none of us can deny it. If you really want to be a good parent, discipline, teach, comfort, and even when you must get angry, always do it with love. That is what will sustain them years from the moment, and all of their memories will be positive.

August 24, 2015

9 Things I Learnt From My Working Mom

Recently my maternity leave ended and I shared with you my feelings about being a working mom. Every now and then the guilt creeps in and I have to remind myself why I am doing this… My mom is my hero, and ever since I can remember she has been working her butt off to give me everything I ever needed. I remember a time before my dad came into the picture and it was just me and my mom, I used to sit up with her at night and watch her make jewellery to sell at her stall. My mom still makes her gorgeous jewellery, but now owns an amazing shop that she sells it in. We all struggle to get over the guilt of leaving our kids to go to work, and we all struggle to perfect the juggling act. The truth is, no matter what anyone says or try to make you feel… working moms are awesome! My mom is the best example, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’ve learned from her. ** To avoid confusion, I refer to my stepdad as ‘dad’ as this is exactly what he is to me – although not by blood, he is my dad and I have never seen him as anything else.** No Dream Is Ever Too Big My mom has always had this dream of owning her own shop. When I was very little and it was just the two of us, she used to make jewellery at night and sell it at her stall (that stall led her to my dad in the end – very romantic story). She worked at an insurance company during the day and also sold her jewellery to her co-workers. After getting married my mom worked as my dad’s secretary and although she still sold her jewellery and paintings on the side, the dreams of her own shop had to wait a bit as I am sure my three sisters and I were a hand full. One day she took the plunge and resigned. She started her tiny little shop almost 8-years ago, today she owns a successful and popular Arts & Gifts shop where she sells everything she loves – restored and refurbished furniture, her own clothing line, her jewellery, art and so much more! Her shop has more than tripled in size and she gets to follow her dream every day. My mom has always encouraged us to follow our dreams, she is a true inspiration. Hard Work Pays Off – Nothing Is Going To Fall In Your Lap You can’t expect to sit back and have opportunities, jobs, promotions etc. just fall in your lap… well, unless you look like Megan Fox or your last name is Kardashian. Successful people are not just gifted, they work hard and succeed on purpose. Finding Balance Is Challenging, But Doable At times it might seem impossible – there is so much to do and not enough hours in the day! Through careful planning and time management it is doable, in time you will find your rhythm. When You Earn It, It Makes You Appreciate It That Much More Anything that is easily given holds no value. Few things feel better than working really hard at something and seeing the results at the end. Be Independent The ability to be independent is something that not everyone possesses. From when I was a little girl, it was my mom’s Wonder Woman, “I am Woman, Hear Me Roar” attitude that made me the woman I am. I know that if I want to achieve something, I will. That is not said out of arrogance; it is because I will not give up. I love knowing that I can succeed on my own, I love not relying on anyone else and I love being financially independent. I can stand my own ground, because that is the way my mom raised me. Ask For Help Many people mistake being independent for never asking for help – that is not the case. The reality is that sometimes we can’t do it all. Accept this fact and build a trustworthy support network. Ever heard the saying “It takes a village to raise a child”? Learn to delegate… say I, the control freak. Taking Care Of Yourself Is Part Of Taking Care Of Your Kids We often put others’ wishes before our own in life – it kind of comes with the territory when you become a mom. You’re never your best self to others until you take care of your needs and nourish your own soul first. It does not make you selfish, it does not mean you do not care about your kids. It just means that you understand the value of your own happiness and how it affects every aspect of your life. Make some time for yourself. Your Kids Will Not Love You Less I have this irrational fear that my kids might forget what I look like while I am at work, I am also scared that they will start loving their caregiver more than they love me. Crazy? I bet you feel the same. My mom worked her ass off, and I cannot recall ever feeling neglected or like she did not have time for me. I cannot love my mom more if I tried, it is a kind of love that is impossible to explain. Having A Job Does Not Make You A Bad Mom Recently I was referred to as a ‘part-time’ mom… bitch please. You know all the cooking and cleaning, the organising and the helping with homework, the washing and ironing, the bath-times, poo nappies and feeds… I do all of that too. In no way do I think that I am better than Stay At Home Moms – you guys have your own challenges and it is definitely not easy. Just understand that I am a full-time mom, I am a damn good mom – and so are you. My mom was and is the best mom, if I could be half the woman she is I know my kids will be just

August 21, 2015

Emotional Pain Of Bullying

Bullying takes root in children, who many times have been the victims of intimidation themselves. To soothe their own injured spirits, they appear to have the need to wound another person. It might have to do with gaining back some semblance of power into their lives. It might also stem from their desire to overcome their own fears, derived from victimisation. I am aware that when a child is intimidated by a parent, or a person they love, they are helpless to stop it or control it. Some children fear for their safety every day. They get back their control, by victimising another person. Most bullies, likely have been mistreated. The extent of their torment, might be measured in the amount of bullying they are guilty of. Actually bullies do not feel superior or impressive. They are angry and full of distrust and rage. They seek revenge because they live in fear. Their answer is to attack before you are hurt. Bullies simply do not comply with the rules, and in the process create hardships and troubles. We need to take a look at the way we interact with our children. Do we intimidate verbally, strike, or become aggressive with our child? Do we threaten, hurt, or torment the pets in our household? Once we correct it in ourselves it will be easier to amend it in our children. Watching or encouraging our child to aggressively interact with other children, promotes an acceptance of this behaviour. Infringing on the space or items of others, must be acted upon, through adult intervention. Those moments we observe our child take another child’s turn, or grab another child’s item, while we smile without interfering, we have condoned the actions. It really is demoralising for other kids, to be pushed aside or shoved out-of-the-way due to a gentler nature, or younger aged child. Might does not make it right. Stepping in to correct it a bit late, is also possibly giving a blessing to the actions. It is lame to always correct our child with the words, say you are sorry. If we make no effort to retrieve the toy from our child, we have made no point of instruction. Kids are capable of such kindness, but perhaps they believe parents expect them to behave aggressively. The parents may not strike their kids, but they expect roughness on the playing field, and in life in general. There are times to be aggressive, but there are more times we need to display an empathetic quality to our natures. Bullying in children is cutting a line, taking someone’s seat on the bus, threatening, hitting, and being aggressive verbally or physically. Bullying is also intimidation in the form of asking for part of another child’s snack at school, asking for snack money, or threatening another to refrain from telling on them. Bullying can also be deciding who will be in the club, who will be ignored, who will not get to hold a treasured item, or touch or handle a treasured toy. It can be when a child receives their paper last every time a certain child is the paper passer. Bullying can be the snarling looks one child gives to another child behind an adult back. It might be a refused request to join a game. It’s also when one is made to feel inferior. Bullying is making others do things or say things they likely do not want to say or do. When one student deliberately crashes into another student, but then states it was an accident, red flags should go up. It can be sitting on a swing so another child can’t use it. Children refrain from complaining because they fear the retaliation from a bully. Harassing is one child stepping on someone’s toes accidentally on purpose. Parents uphold a child’s persecuting of others when it is not dealt with at home, after a notification of such an incident. Home environments that encourage bullying, prevent it from being eradicated. Unless more consideration is given to these matters by parents, bullying will most likely increase. Parents must use the easiest answer of all, which is simply teaching children to stop terrorising and harassing others. By promoting kindness and respect, bullying will be wiped out. Simply following the rules teaches children how one engages respectfully with others. It is important in the scheme of life, to be aware of tolerating others. We are all required to refrain from illicit actions conducted on another person. The sooner we learn to relate to others, the quicker we have harmony. We perhaps should ask ourselves how it would feel to be in the other person’s shoes. Would we enjoy climbing aboard a bus, to be confronted with intimidation? Do we browbeat our own children, causing them to frighten others? If we do nothing to stop bullying as conscientious adults, then we have become enablers. We will continue to have and endure the difficulties we are creating. By refusing or ignoring to remedy the taunting, places an infringement on the freedom of others. In essence, kids must be saved from the tormenters they encounter in their lives. People form friendships which are wonderful. These friendships become less wonderful when they become a clique to the point of excluding others. When a chance arises, oppression will occur again. Harassment of others, perhaps stems from the degree of their own oppression. Teenagers face even more bullying with the improvement of technology. They may have no relief from these encounters with bullies. The saddest part is they will complain less because they are ashamed, demoralised and believe they are old enough to deal with it themselves. Parents may not even be aware of the extent of their child’s torments. It’s possible that adults may have started the epidemic by physically punishing their own children. Question our motives. Think about the bullying damage we do. We can’t take it back, any more than we can collect all of the feathers we dumped, from

August 20, 2015

When You Feel Like Your Best Is Not Enough

Your role as “Providing Parent” is a lot more work that you initially thought it would be and you just don’t get around to doing all the things you want to do. You feel best when all your chores are completed perfectly and your children have had your undivided attention…but that hasn’t happened in a very long while because maybe, just maybe, your expectations of what you are able to achieve as a non-superhuman is too HIGH! Sound familiar? You feel like you are running on low reserves from the moment you wake up You feel anxious about the day ahead even though in the past you may have handled the same workload with ease Your day’s work does not cover the needs of your family and your house is a mess (even though you have been cleaning since you got home) You feel like life is driving you in the fast lane without brakes The normal background sounds of your co-workers, spouse, friends and children is too loud, everything is just too loud! In spite of working very hard all day, at the end of the day you feel unsettled and anxious for all that you still need to do In spite of the efforts you make to meet your role as “Providing Parent” you still feel as if you are failing miserably You find that negative inner-speech clouds your day and makes you feel inferior Take a step back. Imagine you were your own employer. Would you really be so demanding, harsh and criticising toward an employee? If you would treat an employee with more regard than you do yourself, it may be time to rethink your workload. Are you expecting too much for one person to manage in a working day? If you don’t expect an employee to manage everything you are trying to achieve, why do you expect the impossible from yourself? What is behind that drive? Is it healthy? The answer is no, it isn’t and you need to reprioritise. Are you expecting to do the work of several people? Are you expecting to be skilled in the fields one would rather leave to the professionals? Can one person really be the one to earn, doctor, teach, cook, clean and manage quality time with your family? AND maintain some semblance of a healthy personal routine? The answer is NO, you cannot do it all on your own. Should you manage to do it all, there will probably be a breaking point or massive burnout. So what is a harassed, busy parent to do? Here are some pointers in the right direction: Make a list of priorities Every good employer has a specific list of essential goals or priorities that remains the focus regardless of the situation at the work place. Set up your own list of essential goals or priorities. This seems like a very easy basic step but one that many people don’t take. Sit quietly and focus on what will bring most meaning to your life. What is your focus? What are you passionate about? What makes you feel energised? List the key factors in your life in order of importance. Now indicate how many minutes / hours a day / week you dedicate to each item. You may be surprised to see that what you indicated as the top five most important things are allocated less time than you would like. What can you do to fix this? It probably isn’t too much. However, keep in mind that some duties are necessary to maintain your top priorities. For example, you may list time with your children as the top on the list of priorities but you find that work takes up 8 hours of the day. You cannot decide to resign for this sole reason as your income ensures a good standard of living for your children. But if you find that you can cut back on something, and reallocate some time to your top priorities, do so. As long as it does not disturb the balance you are trying so hard to maintain, go ahead and make that change. Delegate Being able to delegate appropriate tasks to each member on the team is a key managerial skill essential to any workplace. Why not see this as an opportunity to delegate some tasks to appropriate members in your support team. Do you really need to do EVERYTHING on your own? Is there anyone in your family or support group who can assist with even just one task weekly? Your best friend has a responsible teen? Great! That may be the baby-sitting services you need while you get organised or cook a wholesome meal. Does the neighbour walk her dog daily? Ask her to take yours along too in exchange for some doggie treats. Get creative. Reach out. Make friends. Ask for help and offer something in exchange even if it is something like handing over the remote control to the teen who helped you with babysitting. Don’t be afraid to ask your children to tidy up their toys and put their laundry in the basket. Create a list of chores and make sure you reward members who do their share. It is an educational process and vastly beneficial to everyone. Manage your time Now that you have a list of priorities and have delegated some small part of your workload, get organised with how you appropriate your time. Pretend time was as finite as your monthly pay-check. Your money will run out if you don’t carefully consider each expense. The same is true for your time. It is a resource, spend it wisely. Make a Time Budget and stick to it for a week. If you find you have had HOURS extra at the end of the week, you will have rewarded yourself with the ultimate luxury: Time to spend any way you choose. Get organised It pays you to be organised as the time you save is worth the

August 20, 2015

Nurturing Parents

It takes perseverance to steer and guide the child throughout their childhood. Iron-clad skin is a must, along with the ability to exhibit extreme effort in most circumstances. Demonstrating an endless capacity to forgive, and to be dependable twenty-four seven are definite qualifications. We cannot omit a limitless time for talking and listening and patience when we have none left. It is necessary to show restraint especially when it is least deserved. Sharing a quiet stillness when they are young, and more importantly as they grow older, will be required. Last, we have to put our children’s needs first before our own. It is essential to model the virtues of kindness, patience, responsibility, honesty, truthfulness, forgiveness, gentleness, and empathy if we aspire to see it in our children. Children require decent role models more than they need constant criticism and unkind words. Most importantly of all is love. It’s not just our knowing that we love them but more importantly, their awareness that we do. Selfless is the word that comes to mind rather than selfish when giving our children time and money. There is a demand to make the commitment to never have mental, physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual aggression ever placed in our children’s lives. We can’t put our children in the background of our existences and then assume they will magically grow into astounding adults. Being a parent means relinquishing our own wishes. Ask yourself if a plant would grow without any light, water, nourishment or care? Our children require far more watchfulness. The day we stepped into parenthood, whether desired or undesired, planned or unplanned, is the day it became necessary for us to be mature, accept responsibility, and suddenly place someone else’s requirements before our own. If we do this we potentially have a chance at raising beautiful children. Although there are still no guarantees regarding the outcome, The odds of our being successful are tremendously enhanced. Parenthood is such an overwhelming and daunting task that it would make one question why any reasonable person would want to take on this job in the first place. We all have the potential to be worthy parents. The dilemma is that it takes extreme effort. We do need to give some thought to what parenting requires and just how we are accomplishing this remarkable duty. It will undoubtedly be the most demanding, rewarding, and significant calling we will ever have in this lifetime Once we comprehend the magnitude of parenthood, we will not treat our children as objects that interfere with our lives. Each individual child is our own life’s essence. How we nurture our children and how much importance we give to them reflects the amount of value we have for life and each other. The excuse that ‘my parents didn’t do it for me’ just doesn’t work. If we believe we were cheated, we need to question whether we want to repeat the mistakes or make our children’s lives wholesome. We are the adults now , with the ability to make things better for our children.

August 19, 2015

Should You Read Your Child’s Social Media Posts?

There is a lot being written about whether parents should be reading content their Child’s post on social media channels. Before I give you my opinion, let me share with you the two opposing points of view from experts. Some say you should read them and others say you shouldn’t. Let’s explore the reasons given by those on both sides of this issue. First of all, both supporters and opponents of monitoring Child’s social media posts agree on one thing… that it should all start with a conversation: talking about appropriate use of social media, setting up ground rules, and discussing online safety. Parents who will be monitoring their children’s activity also usually advise them they will be sharing all passwords and will be checking their posts at random and without warning. But these two groups disagree when it comes to trusting Child’s ability to behave safely and appropriately consistently when online. Those in support of monitoring believe it is the parents’ job to keep their Child’s safe. They do it because of two facts: Child’s can be influenced easily by peers or predators who encourage inappropriate behaviour, and Child’s lack judgment skills due to a normal underdeveloped brain. Those who oppose having parents read their Child’s’ social media posts stand on two other primary principles: that spying on your Child’s will teach them to hide their online activity better, and the best way to develop trust in your child is to let them know you trust them by not monitoring them. These are two very false premises that are continuing to grow in popularity with some parents. If I have to pick a camp to join, it would be the MONITORING camp. While the anti-monitors know there is a small risk of danger to the child, they are willing to accept it. I on the other hand, cannot allow any risk to our children’s safety and well-being, no matter how small it may appear. Yes, there is always a risk to our children’s safety, whether we’re monitoring or not, but I believe that we should always take reasonable measures to reduce that risk. Providing access to our child to other risk-taking youth, or to predators should never be a viable option. This should be considered nothing more than child endangerment! It is my professional opinion that children shouldn’t have a basic cell phone, nor a social media account, until at least 13 years of age, the age specified by Facebook (smart phones no sooner than 16). And they should be strictly monitored at least up until they reach the age of 16, perhaps later for some teens, depending on their developmental maturity. It’s alarming how young I’m noticing children with smart phones and reading Facebook updates. And commercial companies aren’t helping matters by making smart phone toys for toddlers and preschoolers. It’s actually training children to have a device tethered to them way too early in their young lives.

August 17, 2015

The Busy Parent’s Guide

The days of housewives and lazy weekends in the garden are almost extinct. Most parents that I know these days need the double income and spend their weekends doing shopping and housework and catching up on other personal stuff that doesn’t fit in to their 8-5 working schedule. And then you have people like me telling you to spend quality time with your kids; that they need your presence and your full attention in order to blossom into the awesome human beings they were meant to become. So how do you fit it all in?? Well, everyone’s schedules are different, but here are some ideas to get you going… Firstly, it really isn’t about the amount of time you spend with your kids, but the quality of your attention when you do. So my first suggestion would be to find a gap in your schedule (preferably daily if you can) even if it is only 5 minutes where your child has your undivided attention – no phones, computers, laptops, or mental distractions. If you’re even finding that difficult, find ways to double up on or cut back on some of the things you need to do in a day. Little things, when added up, can make a big difference: Try having a Stinky Friday where the kids don’t have to bath. You’ll be surprised how much time this opens up and the kids generally love it! Try cooking in batches so that you make enough for two or even three meals and then eat leftovers the next night or freeze some meals for later in the week. Allow the little ones to sometimes go to school in their pyjamas, or even have them sleep in a tracksuit and just get up and go in the morning. Make lunch boxes and lay out breakfast things the night before so that the mornings can be slower and allow for some time to connect. Cut back on emailing, Facebook and BBM time – it’s great to connect but it doesn’t need to be every 5 minutes! Another wonderful way to spend time with your kids and do get everything done is to get them to help you. Most little ones love to be included in cooking and hanging washing and gardening and fixing the car and other household “chores”. Involving your children from a young age gives them a sense of significance in the family. Just make sure that you bring a sense of fun and presence to whatever you are doing – remember that they learn from you which things are a drag to do and which are enjoyable. There is nothing inherently painful about washing dishes or folding laundry – this is a learned attitude so help them to learn a good one and you may find many enjoyable moments spent with your child while things still get done. And finally, find solace in the fact that there are hundreds of thousands of other busy parents out there in the same situation. Just do the best that you can!

August 13, 2015

Rethinking The Way We Plan Our Children’s Diaries

As schools reopen for the second half of the academic year, parents will once again be forced to make decisions about what extramural activities their children will take in Term 3. Be it horse riding, piano, rugby, tennis, gymnastics, squash or choir – their carefree winter holidays will soon become a distant memory. “It’s time to rethink the way we plan our children’s diaries,” says Edublox Director of Educational programmes, Susan du Plessis. “Too many children are busy going from one afternoon activity to the next, every day. They hardly have enough time to enjoy unstructured play or complete their homework, let alone succeed academically.” Parents take great pride in their children’s busy schedules without considering the effects, says du Plessis. “They sign their children up for private coaching sessions while ignoring the average school results on their children’s report cards. The likelihood of one’s child representing South Africa at the Olympics, for example, is very small, while educational success is an absolute requirement for their future.” Without excellent school results, a child’s employment opportunities are severely limited. Of 100 learners who start school, only 50 will make it to Grade 12, 40 will pass, and only 12 will qualify for university.* Of those entering university only 15 percent will get a degree or diploma.** “One cannot emphasize enough the importance of academic success for a child’s future prospects,” says du Plessis. Du Plessis said some parents also fill their children’s diaries excessively because they feel guilty that their child is not excelling in the classroom and their afternoon activities are a pleasant distraction. “There is a very long list of nice to have activities but if a child’s academic performance is of concern, this needs to be resolved first. If one doesn’t address foundational educational problems early on they only become more pronounced the longer they are ignored.” The cost of postponing learning support intervention is both financial and emotional if a child must repeat a grade. While sporting activities are recommended for physical wellbeing, du Plessis said that a balance is required. “When planning after-school activities, parents need to act in the best interests of their child, even if this means temporarily withdrawing their child from compulsory school sport activities in favour of educational intervention support.” “A coach is naturally interested in winning the next match and a teacher’s main concern is to ensure that a child passes the grade at the end of the year. Parents however have the responsibility to consider the long-term future for their child and that is to help them have as many future career choices as possible with excellent school results.” Educational intervention programmes that help children improve academically need not be life-long. “Most children need only 240 hours, or ten 24-hour days to resolve their learning problems. If this time is split over an 18-month or two-year period, it is manageable but it requires a careful look from parents at priorities and what is important and urgent,” said du Plessis. She added that as little as 100 hours of extra educational support could also transform an average student from passing comfortably to scoring well above 80%. Five practical steps for parents who want to prioritise their child’s academic success Review your child’s after-school schedule and prioritise what is urgent and important above what is a ‘nice to have.’ Ensure your child has enough time for free play outdoors. Seek a successful learning intervention programme based on substantial proof of improved school results. Include your child in the process. Explain why an academic intervention programme will help them in the long term. Inform everyone including the class teacher, grandparents and sports coach exactly how you are prioritising your child’s academic success and ask them to support you. This is very important, especially if parents have divorced, that both agree to support this process. Reward and recognise your child’s efforts to improve academically.

August 11, 2015

HYPERTENSION AND YOUR PREGNANCY

Embarking on the journey of motherhood should be a pleasurable and memorable experience. For many women though, pregnancy can be overshadowed by hypertension, also known as high blood pressure. Uncontrolled high blood pressure prior to pregnancy or high blood pressure developed during pregnancy poses a risk to both mother and unborn baby. I n this article we would like to make all future and expectant moms aware of these dangers and provide you with lifesaving tips on how to prevent high blood pressure from casting a shadow over this momentous time. High blood pressure can affect an expectant mother in two ways: She might have existing high blood pressure prior to becoming pregnant, or …. High blood pressure may develop in the second half of pregnancy. When high blood pressure is accompanied by protein in the urine, and swollen ankles, fingers and face; it is particularly serious and is called pre-eclampsia. F or both types of high blood pressure in pregnancy, if it is not detected and then controlled, it can cause low birth weight or require early delivery of the baby. High blood pressure and especially pre-eclampsia can furthermore be very harmful to the mother as well, by causing seizures, damaging the kidneys, liver and brain and increasing the risk of stroke. The good news is that early detection and control of high blood pressure and close monitoring of the mom and baby can ensure a safe and happy pregnancy. There are certain factors that can put one at an increased risk of high blood pressure during pregnancy. Factors include high blood pressure during a previous pregnancy, obesity, being under the age of 20 years and over the age of 40 years, having diabetes and other chronic illnesses, and being pregnant with more than one baby. Women with any of these factors should be especially vigilant. Severe headaches and visual disturbances are warning signs that require an urgent visit to your doctor or clinic. How can women with existing high blood pressure prevent problems during pregnancy? Firstly, it is important to control your blood pressure, and speak to your doctor or nurse when thinking about falling pregnant. Discuss with your doctor how high blood pressure might affect you or your baby and how to adapt or change any current blood pressure medication. Continue to monitor blood pressure regularly throughout your pregnancy as advised by your doctor or clinic. Ensure that you are eating healthily, limiting salt intake, being active and avoiding alcohol or tobacco products. In addition, taking calcium supplementation can prevent pre-eclampsia. How can women be sure not to get high blood pressure or pre-eclampsia during pregnancy? Regular visits to the doctor or clinic are important to ensure a safe pregnancy. For a healthy pregnancy one should: First and foremost ensure that you are in the best possible health before thinking of falling pregnant; including managing a healthy weight, being physically active and not smoking. Get early and regular care from a doctor. Follow all the doctor’s recommendations. Do what you can to help manage blood pressure. Eat a healthy diet including plenty of fruit and vegetable, daily dairy, and limit intake of salt and salty foods. Take a calcium supplement as advised and directed by your doctor. High blood pressure has no symptoms or warning signs, therefore checking blood pressure regularly throughout pregnancy and beyond is important to monitor the health and well-being of mom and baby. We would therefore like to encourage all women to know their numbers by visiting their nearest clinic, GP practice, nearest pharmacy or obstetrician to get their blood pressure checked.

August 10, 2015

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