Advice Column - Parenting Hub

Advice from the experts

Reduce Stress by Sorting Out Your Finances

The majority of parental problems that I see in my practice are exacerbated by stress, and what can be more stressful than sinking into debt. So, as the financial year comes to a close, here are some tips to sort out your finances and start the new financial year in a less stressful and more kid-friendly way! The first step in sorting out your finances is to know what they are. Print out your bank statements and credit card statements and make a list of all the income and expenses that you have every month. Most people avoid this simple activity and would rather stay in the dark, but facing the truth is way less stressful than waking up one day to find out you’re bankrupt! So take a deep breath and just do it!! You need to know your income and expenses if you are to create a successful budget and stick to it, and this is step number two. Work out your essentials each month and what they come to and always make sure that you are putting some money away every month into a savings account, or some extra money into your bond. If you find that you are overspending and don’t have any “disposable income” at the end of the month, relax. Acknowledge this and also that you are not alone – the majority of parents find themselves in this position. Here are some tips to sorting this out by bringing your expenses down: Cut up your account cards. If you can’t afford something, you shouldn’t be buying it. The time will come when you’ve saved enough and can treat yourself, but as much as possible, never use credit – and definitely don’t use credit to buy your groceries. Along the same lines, put your credit card in a glass of water in the freezer. If you really need it, it’s still there, but you won’t make impulse purchases if you need to wait for it to defrost first. Look at the debit orders you have – see if you can decrease your insurance, call your security company and ask them to re-look a your monthly fees, cancel any unnecessary memberships. If you haven’t been to the gym in 6 months, make a decision to go or see if you can sell your membership. Cell phones! Wow! My husband and I just halved our phone bills by changing service providers. If your contract is at its end, don’t just automatically upgrade with the same provider – shop around, look for specials, ask for discounts. And if you’ve already got 5 phones at home, take a contract without a phone – if you add up the monthly payments and see what you’re really paying for that phone after two years you might want to rethink. Beware, too, of getting to the end of your contract and not upgrading or changing, as you are then still paying the monthly amount for the phone even though you’ve finished paying it off. Take note of the cappuccino factor. This is the name given to those little spendings that you do regularly and don’t think they amount to much. Like the cappuccino you buy on the way to work. Do this little exercise: Take one thing that you don’t really need but buy regularly – the coffee out, the cigarettes, the bar of chocolate. Now multiply the cost of this by the number of times you purchase it in a week. Then times that by the 4 weeks in a month, then by the 12 months in a year, and then by 10 years (and that’s not even including inflation, interest etc). You’ll be amazed by how much you could save over ten years just by cutting out that one thing… who knows, you could even be a millionaire!! Awareness – of your spending habits, your shopping habits, your eating habits. Look at your statements and see where the money is going. Are you eating out too much? Could you be shopping at a less expensive store? Are your kids wearing name brands when a regular t-shirt could do?! Shop, eat and live consciously. This is quite a task, I know, but it’s very empowering when you get it under control. And you, your partner and your kids will benefit in the long run. Think of all those restful nights NOT worrying about the bills!!

April 5, 2014

Happy Parent, Happy Child

Two pianos were sitting next to each other in a room. A person sitting at one piano pressed one key, causing a tone to fill the air. Instantly, the string responsible for creating the same tone on the OTHER piano began to vibrate. This isn’t the start of a joke, but an experiment that has been tested by physics experts. The tone created by the first piano is a wave of vibrations that are absorbed by the strings on the other piano. The one string on that other piano capable of producing the same tone that filled the air, responds by amplifying its own vibration. People behave in a similar manner as pianos. When one person enters a room expressing emotion, it is quite likely that one or more other persons in that room are likely to instantly take on that emotion. Has this ever happened to you; your significant other or child began to express an intensified level of joy, excitement, worry, fear or anger, and before you realized it, you too were feeling a similar sense of that same emotion? We are emotional creatures and we are each capable of taking on the emotion of someone we care about. A close friend stops by with sad news and instantly we feel sad. Our child arrives home announcing ecstatically that she’s won an award and we too are now feeling great joy. Our significant other wakes up in a bad mood and we seem to absorb those vibrations, suddenly becoming moody ourselves. The parents I work with complain to me about their children; the kids won’t cooperate, they scream “NO” at their parents, they talk back, they have frequent meltdowns, and they won’t help out, just to name a few of the common challenges. Some of the common causes of these types of frustrating behaviors are created by the parents, and include: a lack of consistency in rules, little or no boundaries, talking too much, too many outside activities for the kids to keep up with, too much ‘screen time,’ and not enough parent/child connection time. But one of the biggest causes is a lack of peace and calmness in the adults who care for the children. Like the pianos, parents who have not been taking good care of themselves transmit negative frequencies to their families and then wonder why they aren’t getting the level of cooperation and peacefulness they desire. If you want peaceful children, you must first become a peaceful parent. When I prescribe this solution to some parents however, I’m quickly met with resistance. I hear comments such as, “When I can afford a nanny or a housekeeper, then I can become more calm and peaceful.” I remember the challenge myself; employed full-time, working hard to maintain a peaceful home, and raising three young children who liked to fight and challenge me every step of the way. I realized that it was my responsibility to do whatever it took to learn how to calm myself and to take better care of me. I quickly discovered that during weeks when I made time to take care of myself physically, spiritually, socially, and emotionally, it became easier for me to know how to handle situations at home and my children became easier to care for. So what will YOU do this week to take better care of you? Start by giving yourself permission to MAKE the time and follow through.

April 3, 2014

Feeling Guilty? Think Again

When I was homeschooling my son, I was concerned that he was spending too much time with me. I worried that his protected bubble was too calm, easy and slow-paced. Now that he is going to school, I ask myself if he needs more of his own space; maybe he isn’t getting adequate family time; is his world too rushed for such a young being. What else, I wonder, can I do to be a better parent? Parents naturally focus on their children and want the best for them. This is normal and understandable. However, too much fussing and worrying about the wrong reasons, can cause unnecessary distress for both parent and child. There are times when we need to ‘let go’ and allow moments and experiences to unfold as they are meant to, without our interference. Take my friend, for instance, who was visiting daycare centres for her toddler and came across one with video cameras linked to a site on the internet, allowing parents to have constant viewing access of their child. In the end, she decided not to send her child there. She knew that she would be glued to her screen, looking to see if her child is being looked after properly, criticising the caregivers and feeling bad that her child is not with her. Sometimes, a parents worry can arise from guilt, guilt of not doing enough or giving enough. What is enough? Are we determining what our offspring need according to what we instinctively feel or know is appropriate for them, or are we in the trap of behaving in a certain manner to adhere to social expectancies, peer pressure or societies judgements? Human behaviour specialist, Dr. John Demartini says, “Negative self talk gives you feedback that you are living according to others”. And when this happens we need to realign ourselves to live according to our purpose. In his course, ‘The Breakthrough Experience’, Dr. Demartini explains how to neutralise the feelings of guilt and shame by looking for it’s benefits. Every situation has a positive and negative and as much as we may at first deny it, we will eventually realise, when we dig deep, that there is an upside to even difficult situations. Now that my son is at school I spend most of my time writing. At first I felt guilty. I was so used to being with him, guiding him and supporting him. What if he needs me, what if the teacher doesn’t understand him, what if… These games of ‘What if’ can really consume ones time, thoughts and energy. Funny thing is; it’s all in our head; based on our perception. So I decided to work on balancing my perception. There is power in writing, so I wrote down twenty reasons why my work is helping our family. When I started to see the benefits of what I was doing and how it was serving my child, my partner and our home, the atmosphere changed. By accepting myself and honouring the value in my daily actions, those around me soon awakened to this as well. I never said anything to my family about this process but a few days later my son casually commented, “I’m so glad that you are working again and writing so much. I like to see that”. My heart soared. The benefits of acknowledging ourselves as worthy parents is an imperative part of child rearing. If we want our sons and daughters to grow to become adults with self-worth, confidence, respect and dreams, then we need to start within ourselves. No matter how much time or money we do, or do not, give our children, what is important is the quality of each moment. Thus, it is the presence of the adults along with their balanced emotions that will provide a nurturing, stable environment, which in turn gives the brain an opportunity to maximise its development, and the physical body too. Proudly Sponsored by Helen Hansen Connect with Helen Hansen Via Her Website

March 31, 2014

What is Cognitive Behavioural Coaching and how can it help your child?

The new buzzword in almost any community is Life Coaching. If you do not have a life coach, then there must be “something wrong”. But what is it about having a life coach that is creating such hype? I guess it would be the basic premise of psychodynamic psychology, namely, having an objective opinion guiding you through life’s ups and downs. But in this case you may as well ring up your best friend, its easier and cheaper. So I delved and dug around a little and in jolly old London I came across a new form of life coaching that your best friend certainly can’t help you with and I could not ignore. Three quarters of the children I have met are medicated. The anxiety and depression levels are at an all time high. When I was in school I had never heard of the term anxiety, and now nearly every child is talking about panic attacks and O.C.D. Children in my experience do not like to see “psychologists” in the classic sense of the word. However children see coaches all the time, netball coaches, cricket coaches, and soccer coaches to name a few. So why not take your child to a Cognitive coach? The effects are mind blowing: the children are excited. The teachers are excited, but more than anyone the parents are excited. Someone to actually help guide his or her children. But not just guide them; teach them actual skills to handle actual problems. What is Cognitive Behavioural Coaching? This is not classic coaching or individualised therapy; this is a hybrid approach that adopts a Cognitive Behavioural methodology to modify perceptions and emotions with the goal of transforming behavioural output for the betterment of the individual. It will enable the control of emotions, thoughts and self defeating beliefs that will lead to the promotion of flexible techniques to handle any stress or pressure that is inflicted on the people of today. It aims to enhance feelings of wellbeing and to equip individuals with the tools necessary to handle present problems and future challenges by taking control of their thoughts and thus control of their emotions, behaviours and life. When is Cognitive Behavioural Coaching Effective? Cognitive behavioural coaching is generally short-term and concentrated on helping clients deal with a very specific problem. During the course of treatment, people learn how to identify and change negative or distressing thought patterns that have a negative influence on behaviour. CBC is commonly used to handle a wide range of disorders including phobias, addiction, depression and anxiety. It is a new methodology based on research and it may just be the answer parents have been so desperately seeking

March 8, 2014

Is Dyslexia a Brain Dysfunction? An Alternative Interpretation of the Facts

Research indicates that the dyslexic’s brain differs from that of a “normal” reader. Does this mean that dyslexia is caused by a neurological dysfunction or is there an alternative interpretation that explains these differences? Many methods and measuring instruments have so far been employed to either prove or disprove that dyslexia has a biological basis, ranging from autopsies on the brains of deceased dyslexics, to advanced technological tools such as the computerized axial tomography (CAT) scan, magnetic resonance (MR) imaging, functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), positron emission tomography (PET), and single photon emission computerized tomography (SPECT). While researchers still differ in opinion about the affected brain area(s), the majority nowadays agrees that the dyslexic’s brain differs from that of a “normal” reader. Booth and Burman found that people with dyslexia have less gray matter in the left parietotemporal area than nondyslexic individuals. Deutsch et al. found that many people with dyslexia also have less white matter in this same area than average readers, which is important because more white matter is correlated with increased reading skill. Having less white matter could lessen the ability or efficiency of the regions of the brain to communicate with one another. Using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), NIH scientists Guinevere Eden, D.Phil., and colleagues demonstrated in a small controlled study of adult males that people with dyslexia showed no activation in the V5/MT brain area, which specializes in movement perception. Dr. Eden’s research confirms that people with dyslexia, hobbled by problems with reading, writing, and spelling, have trouble processing specific visual information. “We found that maps of brain activity measured while subjects were given a visual task of looking at moving dots were very different in individuals with dyslexia compared to normal control subjects,” said Dr. Eden. The control subjects showed robust activity in brain region V5/MT when viewing a moving dot pattern. Almost no activity was present in those areas in people with dyslexia. The problem is that such observations have to be interpreted, especially in relation to the question of cause and effect. Which of the two, the brain differences or the reading disability, is the cause and which one is the effect? Because of the biological determinists’ reluctance to recognize that the environment can affect brain function and structure, they assume that these differences must be the cause and the reading disability the result. Some maintain that the brain develops in definite stages. They call these stages “critical periods” in brain development: if you haven’t learned the skill by then, you never will. They maintain that this is because as the brain develops, certain circuits are set up which cannot be changed. We, however, hypothesize that dyslexia causes differences in brain function and structure, and that the brain structure and function will change if the dyslexic person is taught to read properly. A logical point of departure for such an argument would be to first establish if brain function and structure could be altered. There is ample confirmation in the literature that indeed it can. The Brain CAN Change, Experts Say In 1979 already, in an article in the Journal of Learning Disabilities, Doctors Marianne Frostig and Phyllis Maslow stated, “Neuropsychological research has demonstrated that environmental conditions, including education, affect brain structure and functioning.” In their book Brain, Mind, and Behavior Floyd E. Bloom, a neuropharmacologist, and Arlyne Lazerson, a professional writer specializing in psychology, state, “Experience [learning] can cause physical modifications in the brain.” This is confirmed by Michael Merzenich of the University of San Francisco. His work on brain plasticity shows that, while areas of the brain are designated for specific purposes, brain cells and cortical maps do change in response to experience (learning). Recently, German researchers found that juggling increases the size of your brain. Arne May, neurologist at the University of Regensburg, and colleagues asked 12 people in their early 20s, most of them women, to learn a classic three-ball juggling trick over three months until they could sustain a performance for at least a minute. Another 12 were a control group who did not juggle. All the volunteers were given a brain scan with magnetic resonance imaging at the start of the program, and a second after three months. After this, the juggling group was told not to practice their skills at all for three months, and then a third scan was taken of all 24 volunteers. The scans found that learning to juggle increased by about three percent the volume of gray matter in the mid-temporal area and left posterior intra-parietal sulcus, which are parts of the left hemisphere of the brain that process data from visual motion. Students who had not undergone juggling training showed no such change. After the third scan, by which time many recruits had forgotten how to juggle, the increases in gray matter had partly subsided. “Our results contradict the traditionally held view that the anatomical structure of the adult human brain does not alter, except for changes in morphology caused by aging or pathological conditions,” their study says. Researchers at University College London studied the brains of 105 people, 80 of whom were bilingual, and found that learning a new language altered gray matter the same way exercise builds muscles. Gaser and Schlaug found gray matter volume differences in motor, auditory, and visual-spatial brain regions when comparing professional musicians with a matched group of amateur musicians and non-musicians. Gray matter (cortex) volume was highest in professional musicians, intermediate in amateur musicians, and lowest in non-musicians. It seems that, while stimulation causes brain growth on the one hand, the lack of stimulation, on the other hand, causes a lack of brain growth. Doctors Bruce D. Perry and Ronnie Pollard, two researchers at Baylor College of Medicine, found that children raised in severely isolated conditions, where they had minimal exposure to language, touch and social interactions, developed brains 20 to 30 percent smaller than normal for their age. Let us now theorize on these findings and compare the development of

March 6, 2014

What happens when you can’t sound out a word?

“Help Mom, I am stuck on this word?” What is your first reaction, “just sound it out”. Good advice? Actually, not that good. Sounding it out is not always the best strategy for figuring out a word. Learning to read individual words is hard work and not always as easy as parents may think. There are words that a child can memorize: these are called sight words. But there are a whole lot more words that children have to decode or figure out. So what should a parent do when their child comes across a word he doesn’t know or may have seen it once or twice but has not committed to memory yet? Tell them to sound it out, NOT ALWAYS. I am not saying phonics is not useful. It is imperative that children know their letters and the sounds they make, but as a strategy or way to figure out unfamiliar words it doesn’t always work. I suggest you read on and see how many more strategies you can try use to help your child attack those tricky words. Here are some more useful word attack strategies: Picture clues – ‘look at the picture; it will help you figure out this tricky word.’ Beginning Sounds – look at the first letter together, ‘do you know that letter, do you know a word that starts with that letter, what sound does it make’? Chunking – ‘can you find a small word in this big word?’ Let’s read that small word. Cover the first part of the word, read, cover the last part of the word and read. Now put the words together and read’ Context – Use the meaning of the sentence to try figure out the unfamiliar word, e.g. “Peter is reading the ……. Answer: book”. Let your child predict or ‘guess’ the word ‘book’ based on the context of the sentence. Helpful Hint: build vocabulary to maximize this strategy. Stretching the word – ‘use your finger as you try read the word. Look at it slowly’ Rhyming – ‘this word is tricky but it does rhyme with another word on this page. Can you read this word (parent points to other rhyming word), well done, now swop the first letter and read the other word. They rhyme, well done, can you hear the rhyme.’ Go over the rhyming set together to practice. Use the squiggles around the words as clues (Literacy conventions = question mark and capital letters) e.g. if there is a question mark at the end of the sentence, the unfamiliar word could be ‘what’ ‘where’ ‘how’ ‘when’ or ‘why’; if there is a capital letter in the middle of the sentence the unfamiliar word could be a name of a person/place ) Miss it out and come back – ‘this word is tricky, leave it out for now and keep on reading. Come back to this tricky word once you have finished reading the sentence.’ Ask someone – do not let your child struggle too much, encourage him to ask for HELP if he can’t figure it out. Helpful Hint: It takes practice to use these strategies, so give help as it is required, however, instead of just giving the answer straight away model a strategy your child can use and read it together using this strategy. As children gain confidence they will use a strategy on their own next time. Keep a balance of you helping your child and your child helping himself! It needs to sense – ‘Did that sentence make sense?’ Repeat the sentence to your child using his mistake let him tell you which word doesn’t sound right. ‘As you read this time listen to your words and make sure they make sense’. Helpful Hint: this is a fairly advanced strategy, comes with lots of practice. Keep modeling it as the fluent reader. Try these out; you will be surprised as to how well they work. I call it giving your kid a READING TOOLBOX. Best thing you can do for your beginner reader. Actually it’s the second best thing, the BEST THING you can do for your beginner reader is read to/with or him every day.

February 25, 2014

What is the right age for chores?

Parents have many questions about assigning children household chores. As children, some parents were assigned heavy chores, some were paid for them to be done, and others had no prescribed chores. When two adults come together as parents but were raised with differing points of view on chores, they may become confused and unable to agree, and the child suffers. Sometimes, I’m asked, “At what age should children be expected to start doing chores around the house?” Many parents want to begin teaching their children responsibility and are eager to get them started. They are also not sure what are age-appropriate chores for the different age groups? Children should be expected to begin helping around the house whenever they are ready to do so. Regardless of the exact procedures used, parents should create an atmosphere in the family that encourages everyone to clean up after themselves and contribute to an organized home. Also remember to be gentle with your children’s performance while they are learning and not focus too much on perfection. Children who are constantly corrected become discouraged and eventually give up. They many not say “No” to doing their chores but may express it in other ways through their actions.Children 3 to 5 should be introduced to the concept of helping with tasks, not taking on chores, based on the concept of being helpful and encouraging them to feel like important members of the family. But parents shouldn’t expect them to take on consistent responsibilities. Preschoolers are still in a mode of discovery and experimentation for learning. Some suggested tasks for helping are: Pushing in chairs, washing the baby, and carrying the diaper bag. Be careful not to create schedules or routines with them. At first they may want to help to show they are big boys or girls, but can easily become frustrated or overwhelmed and give up. Go easy on them and be patient when they don’t cooperate. At about age 6, children are usually ready to play a bigger role in the family by helping out with official chores. Start with smaller and easy-to-accomplish assignments; putting them on a visual chore chart will help develop routines and habits. Once new chores are mastered, use family meetings to add new ones gradually.

February 23, 2014

Responsibility comes with practice

Chewing gum with mouths wide open, speaking on cell phones loudly in public places, forgetting to say please or thank you, disrespecting elders and wearing clothing that leaves little to the imagination. Sounds scary when you think that this could be your child one day! Today, there is wide recognition that because of our busy modern lifestyles, children are not given enough opportunity to learn how to be responsible whilst they are young. Before the age of 6, the ability to mould young minds is greatest and laying the foundation for being responsible is the easiest. Building confidence in young children should be a priority as this is the key to being assertive, making good choices and displaying overall positive behaviour. Naturally as a parent, you want your children to learn to feel, think, and act with respect not only for themselves but especially for other people. So how do you teach responsible behaviour to your children? Responsibility or a lack thereof is learnt through the senses and through imitating adults. Especially when they are young, your children learn best about responsibility in concrete situations. The best way to encourage your children to become responsible is for you to use everyday teachable moments which engage them in positive behaviour, which is then rewarded by positive praise. Habits are acquired by doing the same thing over and over again. So, if good attitudes and behaviour are not learned repetitively, problems can arise with bad consequences when they are older. Laying the foundation for responsible living should be done through the consistent repetition of positive behaviour. Sometimes, your child may make mistakes or be cheeky and rude but by giving them unconditional support based on you being their role model will leave them feeling safe and empowered to lead responsible lives.

February 23, 2014

Neuroplasticity: An Extraordinary Discovery of the Twentieth Century

In the past few years neurologists have dismantled, piece by piece, the entrenched view that the human brain is fixed and unchanging in adults. It was long believed that once we grow up, our brains have a set number of neurons performing functions in a fixed way. According to the theory of neuroplasticity, thinking, learning, and acting actually change both the brain’s functional anatomy from top to bottom, and its physical anatomy. Canadian psychiatrist Norman Doidge has called neuroplasticity one of the most extraordinary discoveries of the twentieth century. The brain is plastic throughout life – it is constantly changing. Changes associated with learning occur mostly at the level of the connections between neurons – new connections can form and the internal structure of the existing synapses can change. New neurons are constantly being born, particularly in the learning and memory centers. When you become an expert in a specific domain, the areas in your brain that deal with this type of skill will grow. Understanding of brain plasticity has its roots in animal brain research conducted in the 1950s, which was designed to investigate whether environment had any effect on the structure and function of the animal brain. Researchers designed a study of rodents raised in two distinct environments: enriched and un-enriched. The animals raised in un-enriched environments were kept in isolation and had no running wheels or toys to play with. When the two groups of rodents were compared following autopsy, results yielded significant differences in their brains. The rodents raised in an enriched environment had a larger cortex, more cellular connections (synapses that lead to brain reserve), and the formation of new brain cells (neurogenesis) in the hippocampus (the structure critical to new learning and memory). While the research offered highly significant and important findings regarding the effect of the environment on brain structure in animals, the critical issue of whether the same findings could be established for humans remained unknown until 1998. The Plasticity of the Human Brain A 1998 landmark study found that the human brain had the ability to develop new brain cells. This research challenged the prevailing theory that the human brain was a rigid system with no ability to generate new brain cells. Previously, most experts believed that humans were born with all of their brain cells, that we lose brain cells on a daily basis, and that our brains do not generate or replace the lost cells with new ones. Many research studies followed, demonstrating the plasticity of the brain: 1.) A study in 2000 discovered that London taxi drivers have a larger hippocampus, a brain structure known to be heavily involved in learning routes and spatial representations, than London bus drivers. The study found that the size of the hippocampus correlated with the length of time being a taxi driver, suggesting that driving taxis may develop and change the hippocampus. 2.) Neurologist Arne May and colleagues at the University of Regensburg asked 12 people in their early 20s, most of them women, to learn a classic three-ball juggling trick over three months until they could sustain a performance for at least a minute. Another 12 were a ‘control’ group who did not juggle. The jugglers showed a significant increase of gray matter in brain area V5, which, surprisingly, is an area implicated in the processing of visual movement. “I would have predicted that it should have changed in areas known to be used for motor skills,” said Dr May. “However, it makes sense. What you need most in juggling, as a beginner, is to estimate where the ball will go and to move your hand in that direction before the ball gets there.” In order to investigate what happens when newly acquired skills are allowed to stagnate, the participants were asked not to practice their juggling skills and were scanned for a third time after another three-month period. The amount of gray matter in V5 had reduced, supporting the idea that the brain operates in a use-it-or-lose-it fashion. 3.) Plasticity can also be observed in the brains of bilinguals. It looks like learning a second language is possible through functional changes in the brain: the left inferior parietal cortex is larger in bilingual brains than in monolingual brains. Those who learned a second tongue at a younger age were also more likely to have more advanced gray matter than those who learned later. 4.) Gaser and Schlaug found gray matter volume differences in motor, auditory, and visual-spatial brain regions when comparing professional musicians with a matched group of amateur musicians and non-musicians. Gray matter (cortex) volume was highest in professional musicians, intermediate in amateur musicians, and lowest in non-musicians. 5.) Draganski and colleagues (2006) recently showed that extensive learning of abstract information can also trigger some plastic changes in the brain. They imaged the brains of German medical students three months before their medical exam and right after the exam and compared them to brains of students who were not studying for exam at this time. Medical students’ brains showed learning-induced changes in regions of the parietal cortex as well as in the posterior hippocampus. These regions of the brains are known to be involved in memory retrieval and learning. 6.) Even thinking can change the brain! One experiment involved a group of eight Buddhist monk adepts and ten volunteers who had been trained in meditation for one week. All the people tested were told to meditate on compassion and love. Two of the controls, and all of the monks, experienced an increase in the number of gamma waves in their brain during meditation. As soon as they stopped meditating, the volunteers’ gamma wave production returned to normal, while the monks, who had meditated on compassion for more than 10,000 hours in order to attain the rank of adept, did not experience a decrease to normal in the gamma wave production after they stopped meditating. The synchronized gamma wave area of the monks’ brains during meditation on love and

February 23, 2014

14 Days for Loving Your Child

FEB 1: HIDE LOVE NOTES OR SURPRISES – Toddlers to teens love to be surprised. Hide a small valentine, an encouraging note, or a small valentine chocolate somewhere for them to find each day leading up to Valentine’s Day. Get creative and mix it up. You could also leave a note each day in one place that contains clues to helping them find what you’ve hidden. FEB 2: READ A SPECIAL BOOK – Find a child’s illustrated book that sends a message of love and commit to reading it to your children every night, leading up to Valentine’s Day. My favorite is the book LOVE YOU FOREVER by Robert Munsch and illustrated by Sheila McGraw. It sends the message that I’ll always love you unconditionally, no matter how you behave and well into your adult years. FEB 3: PLAN A PARTY – Help your child plan a V-Day party with all of their friends. For one activity at the party, provide a personalized mailbox (or bag) for each child. On blank slips of paper, have each child write down words that describe what they like about each of the other kids, one child per slip of paper. They will deposit them in each others’ mailboxes. FEB 4: BE AFFECTIONATE WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER – Teach your children about love by expressing love for your significant other in front of them. Children who have healthy models of affection around them are likely to recreate in their adulthood what they witnessed as children. When your significant other and you argue or fight in front of the children, be sure and let the kids see the two of you makeup. FEB 5: SCHEDULE A DATE – Schedule a special Valentine date with each of your children. Put it on your calendar and tell your child so they will have something to look forward to. Scheduling in these dates ahead of time ensures they will happen. Then everything else that is less important can fill in around them. Why not schedule a date with your significant other as well? Do this every Sunday night for the week to come. FEB 6: FRAME A PICTURE OF THE TWO OF YOU – Take a picture of you and your child, frame it, and then give it to your child to put in his or her room on the dresser or night table. If you have more than one child, create one for each of them. For an older child, put a picture of the two of you in a locket that the child can wear. This will also help calm a child who feels anxious when being away from the parent. FEB 7: THE ENCOURAGEMENT FEAST – Use the ENCOURAGEMENT FEAST exercise with your family. Each person takes a turn in the center of the circle, facing each person who states one thing they love about the person in the center. Before the person in the center steps back into the circle, they must state one thing they love about them self. Then someone else steps into the circle. See the video FEB 8: GIVE 100% OF YOUR ATTENTION – When your child approaches you to get your attention, stop what you’re doing, get to your child’s eye level, silence your mind-chatter, and remain completely quiet while your child speaks. Nothing feels better to a child (or an adult) who has something to say, than the sense of getting 100% of that adults attention in that moment. FEB 9: MOVIE NIGHT – Have a movie night with your child(ren), complete with big pillows to snuggle up with and a big bowl of popcorn. The one difference in making this night special is that the movie being featured will be the home movies you have of your child(ren)! FEB 10: CRAFT PROJECT– Using a family meeting, have everyone create a craft project that represents love to them. Provide a wide selection of contraction paper and craft supplied and allow your children to create whatever comes to mind. Put the creations on display for everyone to see and enjoy, and photograph them to look at for many year to come. FEB 11- SHARE HOW YOU LOVE YOURSELF– Create teachable moments with your child when they are open to learning, by explain (and demonstrating) what you dod to love yourself. This might be a tough exercise for some, but teaching a child to love himself starts by setting a healthy example they can use. FEB 12- MAILBOXES– In a family meeting have everyone make and decorate a mailbox using any household craft item. On slips of paper, have everyone write short love notes to everyone at the table as a practice run and then insert them in the appropriate mailboxes. Have everyone hang their mailboxes on their bedroom door knobs, for accepting mail whenever someone desires to write a note. FEB 13- FIND OUT WHAT MAKES THEM FEEL LOVED: Ask your child what he likes others to do or for him that makes him feel loved. Dr. Gary Chapman, in his book the five love languages of children, explains how each individual feels loved in different ways; receiving gifts, hearing words of affirmation, acts of kindness, or touch. Ask your child which one makes him feel love. FEB 14: COMPOSE A POEM FOR YOUR CHILD: Compose a poem about your child or describe how much you love her. Print it off on special preprinted paper with a border that can be purchased at office supply stores. Frame it and hang it on your child’s bedroom wall. You could even include the child’s picture or her foot or handprints if you had done them earlier. Sign it and read it to her nightly.

February 3, 2014

10 Parenting Resolutions for the New Year

Become Aware Of Moments Of Frustration Getting frustrated is a part of being human. When your child is not being cooperative or your multiples are engaging in sibling rivalry, it is easy to let your frustration flare up and control your next words or actions. Just once, take notice of a moment of frustration and focus on how it feels. Pause, don’t speak or act. Relax your entire body and allow it to pass before moving forward. See Your Child’s Resistances As A Wake Up Call When your child resists your requests, he may be trying to tell you that he’s had it with your commands and demands. Children crave power and being heard and seen in the family. When they are constantly being ordered around, they begin to resist. He could be trying to tell you that he feels disconnected from you. Use his resistance as a “check in” on the relationship. Have you been spending enough quality time with him, in which you’ve been listening more than talking? Become More Proactive Instead Of Reactive Setting rules and limits in advance is necessary for teaching children about boundaries, respect, and safety. They work best when established in advance respectfully, and engaging your child to help you in creating them motivates her to acknowledge them and follow through. Keeping limits and boundaries in place may require posting them for all to see and reviewing them frequently, but don’t overdo it. Speak Respectfully Of The Child’s Other Parent We all hope our child will grow up to become a person of integrity and they’re more likely to do so if we give them a model to learn from. Whether you’re separated, going through a divorce, or just mad at your spouse, commit to always speaking respectfully about that other parent in the presence of your child. Your child still sees them as their parent, regardless of the issue you may have with that other adult. See Your Child As A Good Child And Not Bad Adults who take my 3-week parenting class quickly learn that their children are not bad. Instead, their children have what’s known as “learned behaviors” that can be difficult to deal with. Some of the behaviors can also be coping skills. A few changes in a parent’s discipline toolbox can make all the difference in the world. Don’t be angry with your child; be patient and kind and open to learning. Catch Your Child Behaving And Acknowledge Them For It We’re so good at noticing and confronting misbehavior, but reinforcing GOOD behavior is far more powerful. Unfortunately, when our children are behaving our attention is allowed to focus on the other stressful things we have to do in our adult life. Slow down and begin looking for appropriate behavior in your children and make a big deal of it. Say to them, “I love it when you play nicely with your sister!” Give Your Child Advance Notices Of A Transition Often Younger children live only in the moment and have great difficulty seeing beyond NOW. Because of that, they don’t transition well without advanced warnings. Visual timers and visual schedules are incredibly effective at helping children to transition because they enable the child to see how much time is passing and the activities that are planned next. Avoid demanding and commanding and use one of these tools. Make More Emotional Deposit Than Withdrawals In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, author Stephen R. Covey urges parents to make more deposits than withdrawals in their children’s emotional bank accounts. The result will be greater cooperation and less misbehavior. Examples of deposits include encouraging words, acts of kindness, and demonstrations of love. What deposits have you made in your children’s EBAs this past month? See A Misbehavior In Your Child As A Desire For Some Need A mother noticed that her little son was drawing on walls and other surfaces more and more. She tried every discipline technique she could but his drawings continued. Finally, she went out and purchased a drawing easel and a colorful set of markers and crayons. The boy began to draw amazing pictures on his easel pad and no longer defaced other surfaces. Take a closer look at behaviors that may actually be needs in disguise. Help Your Child Move Closer Toward Their Purpose In Life Some believe that each of us was placed on this earth by a greater power to achieve some sense of purpose before we leave. Effective parenting means more than just trying to get through each day, but instead, also helping our children to hear the voice inside of them that guides them to find that purpose on schedule. Minimize the “noise” around her so she will hear and follow that voice over her lifetime.

January 8, 2014

How to End Childhood Swearing

There is a tried and true psychological principle that says, “Notice something you don’t like about your child, show some emotion, and the problem is guaranteed to get worse.” Childhood swearing is a good example. Nowhere do we see this phenomenon more evident than when parents hear their little cherub utter one of the dreaded four-letter words. Many parents react with a variety of emotions ranging from shock, to out and out adult temper tantrums complete with threats. A normal child has to witness this parental display with utter fascination. “Wow. Look at my folks now. I haven’t generated this much household excitement in a long time. I know exactly how to push their buttons. Television can’t compete with this!” Many people believe some severe punishment for swearing will put an end to it. However, punishment doesn’t work because the parent’s attention is the ultimate reward. Punishment added to parental exasperation is intoxicating for the average kid. Here are some real-world techniques to end these word battles: 1. Focus on the location of the word instead of the badness of the word. Talk with your kids about situations when these words are and are not acceptable. Consistently react to swearing with, “Is this the right place for that word? Thank you.” Some effective parents say, “How sad. There’s someone in your mirror who enjoys those words. Why don’t you go to your room and have a talk with that person.” 2. Use the Love and Logic® “Energy Drain” technique. “Oh, listening to words like that drains my energy. Give me a little while to think of some ways you can put that energy back in me.” Say these words with the all the appropriate body language of a person who is becoming exhausted. Later say, “I think if you did some of my housework it might restore some of that energy I lost listening to your swearing. Thanks.” This worked for one mom who told me about her 6-year-old son who brought home some bad language from school. She dramatically held her head, sat down, and said, “Energy Drain,” each time he said one of those words. She was unable to do things for him until he had restored her energy by doing some of her chores. His swearing soon faded away. One day as she was driving him to school another driver cut her off. Before she could catch herself, she blasted the other driver with a few choice four-letter words. The moment those words slipped out, she realised her son was in the back seat hearing every word. As she looked in the rearview mirror, she saw his hand go to his head and heard him say, “Energy Drain.” She was shocked. This wise mother stopped the car, looked at her wonderful son, and asked, “Do you think an ice-cream cone would put some energy back in you?” “Maybe,” he sniffed. As they sat in the ice-cream shop he looked at his mom and, with the most drained expression, said, “Mom. You said three bad words. My energy was really drained. I think I’ll feel better after two more ice cream cones.” By Jim Fay

January 1, 2014

Three Myths About the Brain

Brain Myth #1: You only use 10 percent of your brain. The 10 percent myth has been around for a long time. Many people have jumped on the idea, writing books and selling products that claim to harness the power of the other 90 percent. Believers in psychic abilities such as ESP point to it as proof, saying that people with these abilities have tapped into the rest of their brains. It is not certain how this falsehood began, but it has been strengthened over the past century by misinterpretations of neuroscience discoveries and unsubstantiated quotes by both scientists and laypeople alike. The truth is that we use virtually all of our brain every day. Brain scans have shown that no matter what we’re doing, our brains are always active. Some areas are more active at any one time than others, but unless we have brain damage, there is no one part of the brain that is absolutely not functioning. Brain Myth #2: A person’s personality displays a right-brain or left-brain dominance. You’ve heard this before, right? The left hemisphere of the brain is good with logic, math, reasoning, etc. The right hemisphere is artistic, visual and imaginative. This concept is based on work by Roger W. Sperry who studied patients with “split brains” (a severed corpus callosum, the structure that connects the two brain hemispheres). But it’s important to remember that in healthy people the two brain hemispheres are well-connected. The fictional doctor Gregory House called the corpus callosum that joins the hemispheres the “George Washington Bridge” of the brain, and in most of what we do, the hemispheres operate together, sharing information across this bridge. The left-brained/right-brained idea is pop psychology, based on a little fact, and then exaggerated to oversimplify and make an interesting story. The two hemispheres do have slightly different specializations, but they actually work together. “The notion that someone is ‘left-brained’ or ‘right-brained’ is absolute nonsense,” according to a scientist at Scienceblogs.com. “All complex behaviors and cognitive functions require the integrated actions of multiple brain regions in both hemispheres of the brain. All types of information are probably processed in both the left and right hemispheres (perhaps in different ways, so that the processing carried out on one side of the brain complements, rather than substitutes, that being carried out on the other). “There are some functional asymmetries in the brain, and it is true that certain regions of both hemispheres are specialized for particular functions. Speech illustrates this, but also shows that nothing is ever so simple when it comes to the brain: in most right-handed people, speech is processed in both hemispheres, but predominantly in the left. In some left-handers, speech is processed either predominantly in the right hemisphere or on both sides.” Brain Myth #3: Brain damage is always permanent. It used to be believed that each person was born with a finite number of brain cells, so if you damaged any of them you operated on a deficit for the rest of your life. Less than 20 years ago, even major players in the neuroscience community believed that the brain could not generate new cells. Similarly, many scientists believed that the brain was unalterable; once it was “broken,” it could not be fixed. But recent discoveries have convinced most scientists to think differently. Evidence now shows that the brain remains “plastic” throughout life: it can rewire or change itself in response to new learning. Under certain circumstances, the brain can even create new cells through a process called neurogenesis. Many of these newborn cells die shortly after their birth. In fact, more die than survive. To live and become part of the working brain, a new neuron needs not only support from neighboring glial cells and nutrients from blood, but also, and more important, connections with other neurons. Without these connections, neurons wither and die. Research to date suggests that the most active area of neurogenesis is the hippocampus, a region deep within the brain involved in learning and memory. Research has shown that thousands of new cells are produced in the hippocampus each day, although many die within weeks of their birth.

December 17, 2013

The Difference between Study Skills, Study Techniques and Study Methods

The Difference between Study Skills, Study Techniques and Study Methods When one considers learning and study, one should always keep in mind that there are three aspects that are of importance: Study Skills: The ability of any learner to study successfully depends to a great extent on his fundamental study skills, i.e. his ability to concentrate, to perceive correctly and accurately, as well as the ability to remember what has been perceived. Study skills should not be confused with study techniques and study methods. The difference between these can be explained by using the game of soccer as example. In order to be a soccer player, a person first has to master the fundamental soccer skills, e.g. passing, heading, and dribbling the ball. Only after that can he be taught techniques and methods. In the same way, in order to be a good student, a learner first has to master the fundamental study skills. Mnemonics training is often done without keeping this sequential fashion of learning in mind. A mnemonic is a specific reconstruction of target content intended to tie new information more closely to the learner’s existing knowledge base and, therefore, facilitate retrieval. There are a variety of mnemonic techniques, including keywords, pegwords, acronyms, loci methods, spelling mnemonics, phonetic mnemonics, number-sound mnemonics, and Japanese “Yodai” methods. An example of an acronym is to remember the word HOMES to recall the names of the Great Lakes: Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie, and Superior. The purpose of number-sound mnemonics is to recall strings of numbers, such as telephone numbers, addresses, locker combinations or historical dates. To use them, learners must first learn the number-sound relationships: 0=s; 1=t; 2=n; 3=m; 4=r; 5=l; 6=sh, ch, or soft g, 7=k, hard c, or hard g; 8=f or v; and 9=p. To remember the date 1439, for example, the learner uses the associated consonant sounds, t, r, m and p, and will insert vowels to create a meaningful word or words. In this case, the word “tramp” can be used. There are, however, at least two problems in improving memory by means of mnemonic instruction. The first problem is — as already stated — that it overlooks the sequential fashion of learning. Mnemonics instruction is, to a large extent, instruction in memory techniques, which should be taught only after the skill of memory has been learned. It can be compared to a person being taught soccer tactics, such as the “wall pass,” while he has not yet adequately mastered the skill of passing the ball. As stated in Knowabout Soccer, “No matter how good your passing technique, if the quality of your passing is poor, your technique will not be effective.” The second problem is that by teaching memory crutches only, the result is, as stated by Scruggs and Mastropieri, “on more complex applications, generalization attempts [are] less successful.” If the skill of memory is taught, however, the learner can apply it in any situation. Study Techniques: There are three learning techniques that can be employed to make study more successful. 1. Association: This is probably the most important and most effective of all the learning techniques, of which mnemonics is probably the most commonly used association technique. 2. Thinking in pictures: One is able to remember much better what has been seen in the mind’s eye than what has been thought in abstract terms. Therefore, one should always consciously try to think in terms of pictures. 3. Reduce frequency of brain waves: The brain usually vibrates at 20 cycles per second or higher. Dr. Georgi Lozanov was probably the first who discovered that, if the frequency of the brain waves is reduced, more effective study becomes possible. He found that playing slow Baroque music could reduce the frequency of brain waves. José Silva was probably the first who discovered a method to reduce the frequency of brain waves at will. Study Methods: Most learners have the bad habit of only studying the day before a test or exam. There are two serious disadvantages attached to this method of study: 1. There is never any regular practice of study skills. 2. It has been found that within 24 hours — on an average — one forgets up to 80% of what one has learned. If, however, the study material is reviewed after 24 hours, it takes 7 days before 80% is forgotten again, and if another review is done at this point, then it takes 30 days to forget 80% again. Research has shown that, if the correct pattern or review of studied material is followed, memory consolidation is enhanced significantly, and the overall time spent in learning is slashed dramatically. The following pattern of initial study and subsequent review will certainly deliver excellent results: 1. Set up a timetable that is divided in study periods of 30 minutes each. On the first day on which this new timetable will be implemented, take the first study period to learn some study material thoroughly. It must be brief enough so that it can be absorbed in only about 15 minutes. Once the full study program is in operation, as you will soon realize when you read further, one only has about 15 minutes in each study period of 30 minutes in which to study and absorb new material. The rest of the time is spent on reviewing previously learned material. The piece of work must be summarized and thoroughly studied in these 30 minutes. Take a rest of 5 minutes at the end of the study period. 2. Review after 5 minutes. Take 3 minutes of the next study period to review the study material of the previous study period, before new material is again summarized and thoroughly studied. 3. Review after 24 hours. Take 3 minutes to review the material that was studied the previous day. Then take 3 minutes to review the work that was studied 5 minutes ago, before again studying and summarizing new material. 4. Review after 7 days. Take 3 minutes

December 17, 2013

10 Ways to Teach Your Children the True Meaning of the Holidays

For the month of December, whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Yule, Pancha Ganapti, Boxing Day, Bodhi Day or some other winter celebration, here are ten things you can do to teach your children the true meaning of the holidays and celebrate with them. BAKE HOLIDAY COOKIES FROM SCRATCH AND DECORATE THEM. A quick search on the Web can dig up all sorts of holiday cookie recipes. Avoid the “easy cookie kits” and allow your child to help you make them from an old-fashioned recipe and decorate them with your holiday’s symbols. CONSTRUCT A UNIQUE ADVENT CALENDAR YOUR CHILDREN WILL LOVE. Children (and teens!) love to open each window of an advent calendar and some can be costly. Hang 24 tiny bags from a garland stretched across a doorway, each containing a small prize or a note hinting at a place hidden somewhere in the house. (see our article on Christmas Crafts for the Whole Family) HOLIDAY CARDS WITH YOUR CHILDREN’S HAND PRINT. Their hands are only going to be small for a short time. Use nontoxic finger paints to allow them to decorate homemade holiday greeting cards and encourage them to use only palm, finger and thumb prints. They will create memorable keepsakes relatives will hang on to for many holidays to come. DECORATE YOUR HOLIDAY’S CENTER WITH YOUR CHILD. Some families have a Christmas tree, candle center piece or tabletop decorated with precision. Consider setting your perfection aside and allowing your children to participate in its decoration or creation. Including your children in decorating will make the holiday remarkable for them for years to come. READ TRADITIONAL HOLIDAY STORIES. Story telling is an oral tradition that dates back to ancient times. Recreate this lost art by reading or telling the traditional stories of the holidays of your heritage or of your family. CULL OUT AND DONATE TOYS. Keeping bedrooms and playrooms organized can be stressful for parents, so decide to reduce the amount of toys you would normally hide under the tree at Christmas or give to your children on January 1st for Kwanzaa. Lead an activity with your children before the holidays to thin out the toys they do have by encouraging them to donate some of their existing toys to a charitable organization that accepts gently used toys for those in need. ADOPT A CHILD NEEDING A GIFT. Many organizations collect requests from low-income parents who are unable to provide gifts for their children for the holidays. They then present these requests (sometimes called the “Family Giving Tree”) at their place of business to allow adults or families to “adopt” a child and purchase an unwrapped gift for them. Have your family adopt one of these children and shop with your children for that adopted child. (You can help by adopting a TrashCanKidz doll, a percentage of the funds go to aiding street children in South Africa or by purchasing a Brain Boosters education set for a child in need) SING HOLIDAY CELEBRATION SONGS AT AN ELDER-CARE FACILITY. There are many elderly adults who reside at elder care facilities who do not have family to spend the holiday with. Consider visiting such a facility to spread holiday cheer or sing carols or other songs to bring the holiday to them. VOLUNTEER AT A SOUP KITCHEN OR FOOD DONATION CENTER. Nothing teaches children empathy around the holidays more than leading them in some sort of service or act of kindness for those less fortunate. Seek out your local soup kitchen or other such facility and volunteer to serve others. BRING A PREPARED MEAL TO AN ELDERLY NEIGHBOUR. If you look around your own neighborhood, you may have an elderly person living on their own who gets few visitors. Have your children participate in preparing a meal and delivering it and serving them in person. We led our children doing such a thing and the act left a lasting memory for all 3 of our children.

December 8, 2013

Having a Baby After Cancer

While having a baby after cancer is generally considered to be safe, there are special circumstances that can make it necessary for some couples to plan their pregnancies in advance. Along with other, more typical factors that can frustrate your attempts to become pregnant, common cancer treatments such as partial or total removal of the cervix, radiation therapy to the entire abdomen, radiation therapy for the testicles or uterus, and anthracycline chemotherapy can all play roles in determining how difficult conception and childbirth will ultimately be. Just what role those effects will play may depend on the age of the patient, but even if the treatments don’t cause permanent damage, it can still take years to fully recover. Fortunately, if you want to make sure you can still have a baby after cancer regardless of how the treatment affects you, modern technology has ensured that there are some excellent options that you can pursue in order to improve your chances of success. The Mandatory Waiting Period – Although there are no firmly established guidelines for exactly how long you should wait after your last cancer treatment to have a baby, it is usually recommended that women wait at least six months. During this time, any eggs that have been negatively affected by the cancer treatment are likely to leave the body. For both men and women, however, it is believed best to wait between two and five years before attempting to conceive. While there is no denying that this can be a heartbreakingly long time to parents eager to have a child, this broad estimate—starting from the time that all of the required treatments are received by the patient to the time when the patient tries to have a child—reflects just how difficult it can be for doctors to reliably assess the likelihood of the cancer recurring as well as for the patient to recover his or her previous reproductive virility. Getting Started – After a rough battle with any chronic illness, and especially after experiencing the terror of learning you have cancer, few things can be more uplifting than the anticipation and joy of childbirth. Yet, there are two risks that a woman should consider prior to conceiving: 1) what is her risk of cancer recurrence and 2) what is the risk of pregnancy increasing the chances of the cancer coming back? The latter is especially important for women who have hormonally driven cancers or cancers that require prolonged oral therapy. Fortunately, there are several options that will help any woman who has had cancer—even ones with the aforementioned risks—achieve the joy of parenthood. A cryobank is often the ideal solution for couples who are eager to get started on building their families right away. Both short and long-term embryo storage is available through cryobanks, as are egg and sperm banking services. Since the deposited sperm or eggs remain unaffected by the cancer treatments, aspiring parents can plan in advance for their pregnancies, whether choosing to wait until a full five years have passed or to proceed immediately after treatment. When sperm and eggs are collected prior to treatments, there is no fear of having them being negatively impacted. Ideally, when the sperm and eggs are collected prior to treatment, they would be collected as embryos versus as separate eggs and sperm. The reason this is ideal is because frozen embryos have a 15% to 30% improved chance of resulting in a healthy birth than that of frozen eggs or frozen sperm. If it is possible for couples to freeze embryos, then it is highly recommended that they do so instead of just banking frozen eggs and sperm. This extends even to women who may still be single prior to treatment, but know they want children in the future that are biologically theirs. They can freeze their eggs or even freeze embryos using a donor’s sperm for the future. While many couples will be able to conceive after freezing their embryos, not every couple is as fortunate. Yet, there are still options for them. Couples who find that they cannot conceive after going through cancer treatment can seek out a surrogate to carry their child for them. It is important to note that couples seeking a surrogate should do careful research into the laws of surrogacy and the associated costs, which can be significant. Usually the couple is expected to cover the medical, legal and other reasonable expenses for the surrogate, which might include monetary compensation. It is recommended to pursue surrogacy through either an agency or through a lawyer to help the biological parents know their rights and keep the process as smooth as possible. Risk of the Child Having Cancer – Currently there is no evidence suggesting that a cancer diagnosis in the parent increases your child’s risk of getting cancer. The only time this should be a worry is if your cancer is genetically linked. If it is, then it is strongly recommended you meet with your doctor or a genetic counsellor to better understand your risk of passing those specific genes to your child. Yet even in these situations, there are still options. For example, if you use in vitro fertilisation as your avenue to pregnancy, then you can screen your embryos for the cancer-causing gene to make sure you will not pass it on. When the unexpected occurs in life, people often have no choice but to make the best of what they are dealing with. Looking ahead to the creation of a healthy family unit is often a great way to promote positive emotions during a trying time. Fertility preservation can eliminate fears and reservations concerning some of the latest and more aggressive treatments, thereby supplying cancer patients with lasting peace of mind. Of all the many uncertainties that cancer survivors must wrestle with, the fear of not being able to produce or bear children should not be one of them.

November 26, 2013

My Son Wants to Quit an Activity… Should I Force Him to Play?

This was the question I received from a mother who told me that her son suddenly wanted to quit the sports team he was on, right in the middle of the season. She asked me if she should allow him to quit or force him to continue. I suggested that she have him finish out the season by attending the games to support his team, but not force him to play. After sitting on the bench for a few games, he suddenly wanted back on the team. Understanding why your child’s sudden decision is important but is not always easy to figure out. Asking him why may only result in the response “I don’t Know.” A child’s or teen’s sudden desire to quit a team can be a result of a number of things; a peer relationship issue, bullying, a fear of failing, competition, a lack of confidence or sights set on another activity that he or she likes better. It can even be a result of a change in the family dynamics, such as the loss of a parent or other family member, or even divorce. It’s not always best to force a child to participate, but instead, find out what he or she is willing to do within the activity for the remainder of the season. Take notice of when your child is in a great mood and ask open ended questions about the situation to get him or her to open up and talk about it. Give them some space and time to mull it over and avoid drilling them to find out why. One day my tween-age son announced that he wanted to quit the school marching band (he had been playing since third grade and had held first chair for the past few years). He came in, tossed his trumpet in the case into the closet, and declared that he didn’t want to play in the band anymore and marched off. I was not happy about this since we had recently upgraded his trumpet to a much more expensive SILVER trumpet, at his request. I did not respond to his declaration but later that day tried to engage him in conversation about why he had made that decision. His response with full disdain was that the trumpet was a stupid instrument. He then asked if he could get a set of drums. I told him that I was into the silver trumpet for quite a bit of money and because of what I paid out for it, I might be willing to consider buying a different instrument in about two years. That response got him mad. So for the next few days he left for school without taking his trumpet to school. I said nothing about it, but on a few occasions I again tried to engage him in conversation about why he was no longer playing his trumpet. On each of those occasions he offered up a different excuse; the teacher was stupid, the trumpet was dumb, etc. Then, on the last day that he could not bring his trumpet to school without being removed from the band, he took the trumpet to school. I was relieved that he was back playing the trumpet in the school band. What I later found out as the reason for this sudden dislike for an instrument he loved so much, was that he become careless and lost first chair. If I had forced him to bring the trumpet to school, he might have retaliated in other ways and may have never owned up to the real problem. If I had been one of those parents that did go out and buy him the drums, again, he may have been unable to learn what he needed to learn about himself and the consequences of not working hard. Giving children space and time to learn from experiences is key to their emotional development.

November 19, 2013

Are you raising a brat?

Every child is born a loving , gentle individual and every child is prone to bratty behavior at some phase of childhood. For those parents who are unsure if your child is going through a phase or has simply become a brat, here are some tell tale signs to help you identify if you are raising a brat …… Crying or yelling – your child may resort to crying or yelling when they want something. This could be because they may not possess an inside voice or be able to convey a request without yelling, which often result in the slightest of issues like eating supper or bedtime become a crying or yelling match. This however does not mean that they are becoming a brat… it is important however to teach your child vocalize correctly when they are wanting something. Tantrums – Children are all masters at throwing tantrums, leaving no place nor person spared from the effects of a tantrum. At first glance it could appear that your child is throwing a temper tantrum, however there are times when they are simply having a meltdown and this is very different. A temper tantrum is thrown because your child feels the need to control a situation or to use it as a power play to get what they want. A meltdown, is a tantrum thrown, when your child feels overwhelmed by their emotions, environment or sensations around them. These meltdowns safe guard your child and are the manifestation of uncertainty and fear. In both cases, these need to be addressed and handled with care. Often times when a parent fails to acknowledge the temper tantrum the child will resort to different means of communicating what their “wants” are and is important that you as the parent explain to the child that their behaviour is unacceptable. When your child has a melt-down it is important to acknowledge their feelings or anxiety at the time and help resolve the true matter at hand. Physical violence – Punishment and not giving in to demands will be seen by your child as opposition and they will lash out by means of hitting, punching, pushing, kicking, biting or throwing items. Your child may have learnt that by causing physical pain others will result in them achieving their desired result. We as parents, must address this issue at the time that it occurs and ensure that the child knows that their behaviour is not acceptable. More often than not, these sorts of behaviour are picked up by those around him either within the home or at school. Ignoring commands – Child who will ignore or “tune out” when spoken to. These children often refuse to comply with the request or command you have given them. These children may find themselves in trouble at school often, this behaviour occurs most when the parents are around. This occurs because the child knows that they can “play up” and the parent will react in the manner the child wants. Rude and ill mannered – Children who are rude to adults and even to other children, combined with the displaying of bad manners and speaking with disrespect to other. It is important to remember that your child did not suddenly wake up one morning speaking this way, this is skill that your child has learnt through the behaviour that has been observed around him. Children learn by example and those who are around people, who treat with respect and talk within a decent tone to others, in order to achieve their goals, often don’t find themselves in these sorts of situations. Non -sharing – Children who refuse to share with others, this can be for toys, food or attention often can become hoarders and will go so far as to snatch items from others. Sharing is an important skill for your child to learn. It is vital that your child understands that although they will be sharing a particular item or attention that the item remains their own. This is often brought on by insecurity that your child is feeling within their world. By explaining the process of “what happens next”, once they have handed the toy over to their playmate reduces the chances of your child developing a problem with sharing. It is also important to note that your child will need reminders about sharing and that this skill does take some time to develop. Not obeying rules– Children who believe that they are right and entitled to what they want at all times. These children do not see the need to conform to the families rules and often this later becomes societies rules. Your child will test your boundaries at some point or another. By you and your partner working as a team to show your child that the rules of the house are important you can rectify this behaviour. More often than not children will begin to conform if no other behaviour is accepted within the household. Children are constantly learning in the early phases of life. This means that by displaying the correct behaviour that you would like your child to exhibit, will often result in the angel that you always dreamt of having. Do not underestimate the power of friends influencing from a young age and try to ensure that your child is spending time with the right people from a young age. This will ensure that fewer bad decisions are made later in the teen years when it comes to them picking their friends.

November 13, 2013

Teaching your children the value of money

Teaching our children to be responsible with their finances is essential as financial habits are formed early. Most of what your child learns about finance , they will learn from your example. Are you sending the correct financial message? Start of on the right foot by first setting a good example of how you manage your personal finances and take advantage of every opportunity to instill great money-smart habits in your child. As important as what you tell your child about money, it is also important to watch how you talk about it. Rather than saying “We can’t afford that”, a more positive approach is to say “We don’t buy every thing we want, we choose which are the most important things to spend our money on.” Teaching the difference between needs and wants early and how to priorities will ensure a firm foundation for their own personal finances as they grow. Setting a budget with them and encouraging them to save up for those non-necessities may seem cruel but the gratification of holding an item you saved for and bought yourself is a feeling of pride. The lessons we teach our children greatly changes as they grow. So, when do you start teaching your child about money? From about 3 -6 years : Introduce your child to easy concepts …. #Why we need money Allow them to handle the coins and notes. Start a simple piggy bank , allowing them to save . Let them know and understand that we need money to buy the items we want. Play pretend store or restaurant games . Take them shopping and allow them to pay with their own money . #Money doesn’t grow on trees Take your child to work, show them that people have to work to earn money. Point out the work people in your community do. Teach them about needs and wants. Allow them to make a wish list and help them save for an item by doing a simple chore, ie :feeding the cat. Age 6 -13 years – At this age a child becomes aware of the value of money #Choices are important Have your child ask themselves questions like Do I need this ? Can I borrow it? Would it cost less somewhere else? Teach your child to shop around and compare prices. Your child should know that smart shopping helps your money go farther. #Budgets Set budgets from allowances . Some parents give their children an extra allowance for toiletries , birthday parties , ect and allow their child to do the planning . #Allowances Allowances are a personal choice. These can be freely given but it is always wise to have your child earn an allowance. This prepares them for a working environment. Amounts for allowances vary from household to household. We have always tried to maintain a R10 per year allowance . (So , if you are 10 you receive R100 allowance per month) #Bank accounts Open a bank account for your child at your preferred credit provider. Most have exciting packages open to children. Allow them to meet the bank manager and treat this visit seriously . Show your child how to make a deposit , withdraw and how to use an ATM. Explain the concepts of credit, interest and saving to your child. #Savings are cool You should save a tenth of all your incomes. If this habit is installed in your child early , they will develop healthy saving habits . We started with two jars – save and spend . This allowed my children to see the money go into each jar and how the save jar filled up , whilst the spend jar stayed empty. Set goals or make a wish list to stay focused on why you are saving. # Make use of resources In the world of technology parents have many apps and sites open to them to encourage and teach financial skills. One of my personal favourite apps for teaching finance skills to children is “mymoneymap” from Nedbank. It is designed to guide your child to work efficiently with their allowance and gain the required financial skills . Open to everyone , you do not need to be a Nedbank account holder to make use of this app. http://www.nedbank.co.za/website/content/products/product_detail_new.asp?SubSubcatid=6949&Subcatid=719&ProductID=657

November 8, 2013

How is your child sleeping? Give him the gift of a Good Night’s Sleep!

Sleep. We all need it, and we don’t know how important it is until we can’t get enough of it? Are you a mother? Then you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. Can you still remember what it feels like to look into your partner’s eyes? To have time to read a magazine, take a long bath and just generally have a life? Or are you constantly on pyjama drill? Wondering when this “punishment of motherhood” will end. Sleep is vital for all humans to be healthy: it’s when we recharge so we’re at our personal best. Bad sleeping habits it linked to obesity, poor performance, ADHD, car accidents… you name it! If your child isn’t sleeping well, you’re likely not to either and this could be detrimental to your health as well as your child’s! However, if addressed early on, sleep problems can be overcome. The bad news is bad sleepers do not just “grow out of it”. But the good news is there is a lot you can do about it! Here are a few myths about sleep that you need to be aware of: Myth #1 ~ All soothers are good for my child’s sleeping habits. Unfortunately not all soothers (be is dummy’s, taglet blankets, mommy’s fingers, milk) is good for your child’s sleeping habits. It depends on your child’s age and tendency’s, but chances are that he can use some of these to aid him/herself in falling asleep which never teaches him the skill to self sooth. Myth #2 ~ The later I put my child in bed and the more tired he gets during the day, the better he will sleep. Actually it works the other way around. The better rested your child is, and putting him/her to bed at an appropriate bed time, actually makes them sleep better and longer. Myth #3 ~ Some children are just bad sleepers and they will grow out of it eventually. Did you know that studies have shown that adults who tend to have insomnia and bad sleeping habits were actually bad sleepers as children? Sleeping is actually a skill we need to teach our children, just like walking, eating and drinking. Your child will not grow out of it! The earlier you address it the better! Myth #4 ~ I can wait to start teaching my child the skills to sleep when he is older or on solids. The fact of the matter is that we as parents interfere with our children’s healthy development of good sleep cycles. There is so much that we can do better from the day they are born to implement healthy sleep associations and awake-sleep cycles. Myth #5 ~ The only way I can teach my child to self sooth is to leave him to cry-it-out. Teaching your child to self sooth is not just a matter of leaving him to cry. There is so much that you can do as parent to follow a structured sleep plan that will give your child’s this skill. Sleep is influenced by so many things; stimulation, routine, feeding habits, bedtime, health, discipline, and a trained professional can help you to implement changes in your child’s life that learn him the art to self sooth. Remember that crying is your child’s way of protesting change, and not all crying is bad. Myth #6 ~ It is selfish of me to want to have my child sleep through the night. Remember that teaching your child self soothing strategies are not about you! Consolidated, uninterrupted 11/12 hours of sleep is what your child needs. By taking the necessary steps to achieve restful, consolidated sleep for your child you will be giving them a skill they will carry with them throughout their lives. And this is truly a gift.

November 4, 2013

Parenting 101 on Keeping Kids Safe on the Internet

There’s going to be a lot of Internet-Enabled devices hidden in gift-wrap this coming holiday season and many will be for children and teens. With this fact in mind, the timing for this topic may be right on schedule. Consider printing off this list of guidelines for you to read or share before turning your child, tween or teen loose with new access to the Internet. For most adults, the memories of the “playground” conjure up the play area located behind the school or down at the local park. It usually included swings, the slide and jungle gym climbing bars. But now that we live in the digital age, the playground for today’s child has become the Internet. They are on their smart phones on their way home on the school bus, they jump on the computer once they get home, or they can be found with a microphone/ear piece attached to their head while playing Call of Duty on their xBox game console. According to the Journal of Adolescent Health, in 82% of online sex crimes against minors, the offender used the victim’s social networking site to gain information about the victim. Predators out to victimize children did exist when we adults were children, but were less likely to approach us on that playground. They weren’t as brave and many did not want to risk being seen. But predators are braver today and can easily hide on the Internet. Here are tips for parents on helping keep kids safe on the Internet: Invest in the Relationship: It’s been stated that rules without relationship can result in rebellion, so before you put rules in place and enforce them, work on developing your relationship with your child. Spend time talking about Internet safety and share with them how best to use the Internet safely. Set up movie nights with the family to watch the 2010 movie ‘Catfish’ or the 2011 movie ‘Cyberbully’ with your tween or teen child. Know your child’s friends: If she is invited to a friend’s party, consider setting up a meeting with that other parent to get to know them. Use that time to share your values to assess how safe your child will be in the care of the other parents. When dropping her off or picking her up at/from the party, physically go to the door to make the exchange. If any of her friends live in homes with few or no boundaries, don’t ban that child from your child’s circle. Instead, establish a rule that this friend is always welcome in your home, but limit your child’s visit to that other home. Establish ground rules: Set up rules around the use of computers, the Internet and social media. Rules such as, only accepting friend requests from people your child has met in real life and only using the computer when an adult is at home are good guidelines to start with. Encourage your child to notify you if they receive messages from anyone they don’t know. Become Educated: Avoid turning your child loose on a device or application that you yourself have not yet used comfortably. If you allow your child to use social media, become familiar with all of the application’s capabilities and security options. Using the excuse that it’s too complex is not acceptable if you plan to allow your child to use it; ignorance is no excuse when it comes to a child’s safety. Be a Parent, Not a Friend: Determine time frames that your child can use devices and the Internet, and enforce the limitations. Secure your wireless router with a password and change it often. Working with your router can be a bit complex so consult your wireless router’s manufacturer to learn how to do it. Ban Internet-Enabled devices in your child’s bedroom and during established homework time. It was reported that the mother of the 12-year-old Florida girl who committed suicide, gave her daughter the smart phone because she wanted her daughter to like her. Take Charge of the Computer: Locate the computers your child uses in a common area where adults are likely to walk by often, and learn how to check the history of your computer’s Internet browsers to see where your child has been. Children have codes or acronyms they sometimes use to warn friends while instant messaging. POS may mean “parent over shoulder” or PIR can mean “parent in room.” Do a search on the term NETLINGO to learn more. Lock up Internet enabled devices when adults are not at home. Use Parent Controls: There are many software packages available at a reasonable price that can be downloaded and run that filter what websites your child can visit. Many others can capture keystrokes and website addresses and even generate reports for parents to review off line or after hours. Our children’s safety trumps privacy in the digital age. You don’t want your child to frequent sites such as Omegle.com, Chatroulette.com and Chaturbate.com. Not sure what I’m talking about? Visit those sites when your children aren’t around and see for yourself. Educate Your Children: The three biggest dangers on the Internet to our children are bullying, sexting and predators. Take time to explain each one and why they are a problem. Remember that education is a powerful weapon that can keep your children safe. Set up guidelines regarding sharing information about their likes, their friends and locations. Promote positive relationships around your child and be an example for them to learn from. Don’t Suffer From the Halo Effect: The term is a psychological description of a type of cognitive bias. It’s when our overall impression of a person influences how we feel and think about his or her character. I’m borrowing this term as a way of describing how some parents have difficulty considering that their child might do something inappropriate. When a child demonstrates an inappropriate behavior on the Internet, they are not a bad child. They were most likely influenced by their

October 31, 2013

Dealing with an anxious child

At some stage of childhood all children may become anxious or nervous due to new situations , change in routines or simply because of the over stimulation of a world that is far to large and confusing for them to comprehend. These anxieties are often debilitating and leave your child feeling vulnerable and afraid. What is anxiety? Anxiety is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure , fear of not knowing. Never belittle a child’s fears because although there is usually no immediate threat to your child they believe their fears are real. Some signs that your child may be anxious could include any of the following : A child who becomes overly clingy, impulsive, or distracted. New nervous movements ( twitches, excessive hand wringing , blinking) Disturbed sleeping patterns, either not able to sleep or sleeping longer than usual, or nightmares. Sweating hands, dizziness, accelerated heart rate and breathing or the inability to breathe. Feeling nauseous. Complaining of headaches or stomachaches. The most effective way of helping an anxious child is to: Understanding anxiety – Taking the time to recognise and explain your child’s anxieties , allows them to know that anxiety is not a negative emotion. Rather it is our bodies way to safe guard us from what we fear or what may hurt us. Prepare and plan – Always try to be that one step ahead, discuss where you going , what the area looks like, what they need to do. Recently , while on holiday , my 17 year old son who has Aspergers, was asked to pay the parking meter. Totally unsure of the practice he went into anxiety overdrive. Calmly explaining each step to him , the hurdle was overcome and he was quite happy to pay the meter . Encourage with positive words – Positivity and choice of words greatly affect your child’s anxiety. By reinforcing positive statements you not only encourage , reassure but also develop a healthy self esteem. Role play –Role play can be very effective , especially in small children. This allows them to go through the motions of something they have never done and are unsure of what it entails or what role they are to play. Coping techniques – Teaching your child some coping techniques, such as breathing deeply or using a stress ball, ensure that your child knows their emotions have been understood and that they have your support to overcome their fears. It also gives them a control over their fears. Support – Always listen to your child. They are anxious for a reason . Stay at the extra mural , walk them to school, hold their hand a little longer. We are our children’s safety nets and here to guide them through the unknown and fearful. While most children experience relatively mild forms of anxiety, some may suffer from more serious anxiety disorders that require treatment. Always consult your paediatrician if you feel your child’s anxiety may be controlling their day to day functioning.

October 29, 2013

A Guide to introducing solids to your baby

Introducing your baby to solids can be challenging. Find out how to help your child make a smooth transition to solid foods. There is nothing cuter than seeing a picture of a happy baby in a high chair with food smeared on their face and everywhere else. Starting your baby on solids can be fun and messy. For some parents, it can also be confusing. When should you start? How much should you offer? What comes first? Signs your baby might be ready Your baby can sit upright when supported with good control of the head and neck. Your baby’s birth weight has doubled. Your baby shows an interest in food eaten by others. More frequent feeding (breast or bottle.) Your baby still seems hungry after the usual milk feed. Your baby was sleeping through the night but has started to wake again for a feed. These signs are all typically between the ages of 4 to 6 months when most babies are developmentally ready to get their first taste of solid foods. Recommended first foods There are no fixed rules about what solid foods you should give your baby first. A single-grain, iron-fortified infant cereal such as rice cereal is good. It may also be easier to notice any food allergies than with a cereal made from several grains. Apple, pear, banana, paw- paw, avocado, pumpkin, carrot, potato, butternut and sweet potato are the most popular first foods for babies due to their naturally sweet flavour and smooth texture once pureed. There is no need to add salt or sugar or any other flavourings to your baby’s food however bland it may seem. Salt may harm your baby’s kidneys and sugar may encourage a sweet tooth. A baby is not used to these tastes so will not miss them. Preparing your own baby food It is cheaper to make your own baby food and at least you know what is inside the food. Always wash your hands before handling food or feeding your baby. All feeding equipment should be sterilised for a baby less than 6 months of age. Fruits and vegetables can be peeled, steamed and then pureed. Large quantities can be prepared at a time and then frozen in small portions for later. Eating solids takes practice Being fed by a spoon is new to your baby. Up until now, they’ve only had a liquid diet, and they’ll need practice to get used to the spoon and to the feel of having solid food in their mouth. They will probably only start by eating a teaspoon or two at a time so don’t expect them to eat a whole bowl. Try one new food at a time and introduce a new food every 2 -4 days adding onto their existing diet. Instead of trying to get them to eat a certain amount, focus on letting them get used to the experience. Try finger foods when baby’s ready Around 9 months or so, your baby will be able to pick up small pieces of soft food to eat. You’ll still need to spoon-feed for a while, and continue formula or breast milk. Some great “finger foods” include ripe banana pieces, cooked chunks of carrots, cottage cheese, well-cooked pasta, dry cereal, and scrambled eggs. Foods to avoid The following foods are best avoided until your child is older – some because they are physically difficult for a baby to eat and could cause a choking hazard and others because early exposure has been found to potentially cause allergies and intolerances: Small hard foods which could pose a choking hazard – nuts, uncooked hard vegetables & fruits (e.g., carrots, apples) Cow’s milk as the main milk drink until 1 year old Honey until 1 year old Egg white until 1 year old Nuts, or even crunchy peanut butter, until 5 years old Popcorn & corn chips – choking hazard Sausages with skins on – choking hazard Stop When Baby’s Ready to Stop Pay attention and your baby will let you know when they have had enough food. They might try and play with the spoon, turn their head away, close their mouth tightly, spit out whatever you put in their mouth, or cry. Don’t make them eat more than they want. Kids will eat when they’re hungry and stop when they’re full. Honouring those instincts may help them avoid overeating now and when they get older. Good luck in feeding your child and remember to keep your sense of humour, be calm and relax. If you do, they will. To get in touch with Sharon Atkins please do so below: Website Facebook Twitter Pinterest Blog

October 15, 2013

The guilt-hood of a single mom

Flying solo can sound wonderful, and as you adjust to a new lifestyle , new surroundings and new friends the world can become quite the adventure . The kids seem happy, you’ve consulted the right counselors , read all the books , crossed the T’s and dotted all the I’s and then it hits …. Guilt! Deep rooted , gut wrenching guilt. A vicious combination of fear of failure , worry over not doing the best for your child , concern about their emotions , the guilt of the physiological impact on their innocent lives and if you don’t have your children live with you , a gnawing pain and ache that you are not an active , everyday part of their lives . Layers and layers of guilt forming a void of negativity and self doubt. So , how does a single parent minimize the layers of guilt? With love , humour and the 5 steps below :- Be your own inspiration – For the days, and there will be many, that seem to have attacked straight out of the guilt hood matrix , we just have to grab that lip gloss, take a look in the mirror and be inspired by our own “momabilities” to overcome, endure and do the best we can. Focus on the good – Staying positive will get you over most of the self induced moment of mommy guilt. By changing the way we view a problem we change our approach to it. It takes some practice and a few slapped on smiles, but positivity is infectious. Celebrate the small things – Celebrate every accomplishment ,no matter how small or insignificant. By enjoying a full active life with our children and appreciating the time, we reduce the layers of guilt we wrap around ourselves. Stop being so hard on yourself – My friend, Julie, says “moms are often too hard on themselves”. We are ! Our responsibility is towards ourselves , children , partners, work and home. We take it all on. All good moms just soak in the bath of despair if we cant fix, solve, sort, organize and run our families with our own illusions of perfection. My little girl reminded me “mom, you perfect because you love us”. So, I can’t be doing everything wrong. Support systems rock – Surround yourself with people who have your best interests at heart. Those who support and encourage. And don’t forget the good friend who will let you cry, vent and laugh over a glass of red and a box of chocolates. So when that guilt hits like a landslide of failure, grab your heels, add a smile, a dash of “momability” and remind yourself that you are doing the best you can.

October 12, 2013

Make time for National Bullying Prevention Month

Bullying can take many forms between young kids as well as with older teenagers. It can involve verbal or physical taunts hurled offline in school playgrounds or locker rooms. Or it can be more menacing, with overt threats to one’s safety. The Stop Bullying site defines bullying as unwanted, aggressive behavior, involving a range of verbal bullying, social bullying and physical bullying. Each of these behaviors evolve from an unbalanced and unnecessary power imbalance. More often in our mobile tech age, however, bullying takes its form online called cyberbullying. This online form of taunts, abuse and threatening behavior can be a terrible experience for a child. Children who get attacked from online cyberbullies can suffer from self-image issues or struggle with social interactions. Other symptoms include insecurity and depression that can arise from cyberbullying tactics. These attacks can affect school performance, too. October is National Bullying Prevention Awareness Month, and parents and teachers will shift its focus to eliminating bullying from classrooms, playgrounds and digital outlets. Finding good sites online for parents can help with tips and activities to highlight the awareness. Activities include suggesting various media guidelines to reporters covering cyberbullying, youth engagement events and social media awareness online. With more kids and teens on the Web for entertainment and knowledge, cyberbullying is taking center stage. One of the activities planned for the month falls on October 9th — it’s Unity Day, sponsored by Pacer.org. On this day, students can come together with teachers and administrators to show their colors for unity, in this case, orange. Downloadable fliers and wrist bands for unifying the students on Unity Day can be used to broaden support against cyberbullying. Students who have been victims of phishing cyber attacks can report phishing tactics to teachers and educators. Nearly 45 percent of all children are reporting (via DoSomethingNow.org) that they have been in some way, humiliated, harassed or otherwise harmed by online bullying. So to combat this bad juju, the organization suggests setting up a good-news site for your class or school. Bring attention to the high points of a kid’s day, not the low points. Try these with your children: Create a site with a catchy name and a good design look. Make sure the principal is aware of what you’re starting. Write about good things done in your school. Get other students’ permission to mention them in stories, and get quotes to personalize the story. Drum up some publicity for your web page or blog. Promote it with social media in friends’ feeds and through official school Internet channels. Seek out other students’ reactions, and if they like it, ask them to help you with further work. Visit this site by the National Child Traumatic Stress Network for information and links to a wide array of anti-bullying sites. The site also includes tips and tactics for parents and educators when faced with a cyberbullying situation.

October 8, 2013

Should Children Sleep with Stuffed Toys?

When supplying a favourite stuffed toy is the one, surefire way to get a fussy child to come down for a nap or a good night’s sleep, it almost seems like a no-brainer to hand it over as part of the bedtime routine. Still, it can be confusing to figure out whether or not encouraging your little one to rely on an object for comfort is a good idea. Before the age of one year, the American Academy of Paediatrics warns against introducing plush toys to your baby’s crib due to a potential increase in SIDS risk, but what about after she reaches that all-important one-year benchmark? Understanding the Prevalence of Comfort Objects A study conducted by researchers from both the University of Bristol in the United Kingdom and Yale University in the United States indicated that up to 70% of kids develop strong attachments to the comfort objects they rely upon to self-soothe. These transitional objects help babies learn to separate from their mothers with minimal trauma, and serve as important aspects of development for most kids. Special stuffed toys or blanks develop a very important role in kids’ lives, who tend to anthropomorphise their beloved stuffed animals in such a way that not even an exact replica of the toy is acceptable. Are Comfort Objects Inherently Negative? While some parents fixate on the idea of breaking their child from a dependency that they see as a weakness, there’s no real evidence that sleeping with a comfort object is emotionally damaging. Aside from the slight risk of allergen triggers from dusty or dirty plush toys, there’s very little risk at all when a child is old enough and has the requisite motor skills to move the object away from their face if breathing becomes difficult. A study at the University of Wisconsin at Milwaukee, originally intended to determine whether or not kids who have secure bonds with their mothers were more or less likely to rely upon comfort objects for sleep, found that there was no correlation at all between the strength of the parental bond or the lack thereof and use of a comfort object. The study also uncovered evidence that kids who were strongly attached to those objects seemed to more easily adjust to stressful situations when they had that object in their possession. Making the Right Decision for Your Family If your child is so attached to a comfort object that she refuses to go anywhere without it, problems can arise at the onset of the school year when school policies forbid such objects. Provided that a child is able to rely upon the object only in times of extreme duress or to self-soothe in order to sleep, there’s no real reason to forbid your child from bringing a favourite lovey to bed each night. Ultimately, the decision should depend upon the needs and lifestyle of your family and your own parenting style. If you feel that your child’s use of a comfort object has gone on for too long or that he’s getting too old to rely on such tactics, taking steps to gradually wean him away from a special stuffed animal may be in order. You should, however, expect for your child to regress in moments of extreme duress or dramatic transition. If he’s dealing with the loss of a loved one, a sudden and abrupt change in his life or another source of extreme anxiety, he may rediscover a need for the beloved animal that provided him with comfort before he was able to let go of that dependence. Many thanks to: Live out Nanny

October 7, 2013

Cyber-Bullying has reared its ugly head!

In a previous article that we published on bullying amongst our children in South Africa, we touched lightly on cyber-bullying and promised you a separate article on this subject, as it is so vast. We’ve all heard the term and no doubt as parents you have already felt the need to educate yourself as to exactly what cyber-bullying is. For those parents out there who have your days caught up in the hectically crazy world that we live in, MAD Pups has prepared the following information. We have tried to touch on the most important aspects of cyber-bullying to bring to your attention and then give you some useful tips on how to deal with this difficult subject. What exactly are we talking about here? In a nutshell, cyber-bullying is a form of teen violence that can do lasting harm to young people. This form of bullying has been made possible because of the advances in technology and social media which has made it possible for more young people to have access to cell phones and the internet. It takes place on all social media platforms. Bullies use text messaging or digital images, emails, instant messaging, web pages, blogs and chat rooms or discussion groups. In a poll taken as early as August 2006, the Chicago Tribune reported that about one in every three children between the ages of 12 and 17 and one in every six children ages 6 to 11, are victims of cyber-bullying. We all know the story of Megan Meier, a 13 year old girl from Missouri, who committed suicide in 2006 after allegedly receiving cruel comments from a boy on MySpace. The boy who befriended her turned out to be a mother of one of her classmates!! How scary is that? This was seven years ago! Although the poll is outdated, it still gives us a sense of what is going on as our rational minds can only tell us that this has escalated as the number of people who have internet access and access to technology has also escalated. This could very well happen to one of your children and the damage that it could do both psychologically and emotionally could be just as devastating. Just imagine how much an adult posing as a child can outwit and outsmart your child. Therefore knowing that people can hide their identity online is critical to how important you view this subject. It’s also important to remember here that there is huge peer pressure focused on our young children (perhaps a subject for another article) and because of this, children are not always going to disclose that they are victims of cyber-bullying. This makes it even more important for you as a parent, to keep those channels of communication open as much as possible. You need to educate yourself and your children about social networks, how they work and how to manage them. Teach your children about the dangers of social networks and chat-rooms and teach them also not to respond to or forward any threatening or abusive messages. Get them to understand that whilst you are okay with them with being connected – after all they are the ‘connected’ generation – they need to conduct themselves and behave online, in a responsible and mature manner and that it’s okay to ask for your guidance and advice ie you will not judge them or find fault with them in terms of the decisions that they make or want to make in any way. Talk to your children about cyber-bullying and explain to them that it is wrong. Many children do not understand that they are doing harm when they post something or that they can be hurtful in their responses to messages etc. This is also why MAD Pups regularly runs courses for children on assertiveness, entitled Assertiveness for Life, where children are taught to make the distinction. Ensure that they understand the difference between photos and images that are socially acceptable and those that can be offensive. Let them know that should they become the target of cyber-bullying, they must keep the messages and share them with you so that should the situation become out of control, there is material proof to pass on to authorities. Let them know that they should not be sharing or posting any information on-line that they would not want to have public They should never ‘friend’ people that they do not know as well as never share information, images, photos etc with strangers. If anyone is continuously harassing them, sending them messages that are mean, nasty, inappropriate and make them feel uneasy, let your child know that it is better to remove them off their friend list and even better, block them. It is vital that parents: Know which sites your child visits Monitor their on-line activity Help them be smart regarding what they post about themselves and discourage them from sharing anything that could be hurtful or damaging to either their or their friends’ reputation Encourage them to keep their passwords safe and know what their passwords are Encourage them to change their passwords regularly and to keep you updated as to what they have changed them to Block unwanted messages Keep internet access to a shared family space Encourage your child to have times when all technology is switched off such as at family meals Check your child’s phone and social network accounts regularly and remove anything that you think is inappropriate Tell your child that at no time should they post or share any personal contact details online or with anyone that they don’t know – ever! Install parental control filtering software if necessary Establish clear and consistent rules regarding the use of computers, cell phones etc Keep the channels of communication between you and your child open and honest at all times Cyber-bullying is a very real monster. It is happening all around the world and whilst it cannot be stopped, we owe it to

September 28, 2013

Breast Milk vs Formula – What are the differences?

Undoubtedly we all want what is best for our newborn baby’s, so what are the benefits surrounding breast-milk and commercial formula? Even the most prepared mother who has opted to breastfeed can land up by not being able too. Therefore if you are pregnant and considering your options then this certainly will be a read for you. First we will look at breast milk – we all know that breast is best, so taking a look at why this is so is also important. Breast milk is amazing simply because it can change in composition depending on your baby’s needs. Breast milk is a fully comprehensive meal in liquid form and is made up of many components: Fat – If you were to remove all the water from breast milk, half of what is left behind is fat including a high level of cholesterol. These fats and cholesterol are vital because unlike adults, babies, toddlers and young children need high levels of fats for the development of the nervous system. These essential fats are needed to cover & protect nerve cells and are a crucial component of brain development. Carbohydrates – About 37% of breast milk is made up of carbohydrates. While we often think of carbohydrates as bread, pasta and rice, in actual fact all sugars are carbohydrates. In breast milk, most of the carbohydrates are in the form of lactose, which is a milk sugar. Lactose provides your baby with energy so that she can do the things that babies do: breathe, eat, cry, wriggle, pass stools, learn, grow, and develop. Proteins – Breast milk contains protein, which is essential for your baby’s growth. Colostrum is particularly high in protein, to stabilise your newborn’s blood sugar whereas mature milk has a slightly lower but consistent level of protein (1g per 100ml). As your baby grows her protein needs increase, so by six months of age, your baby will need to have protein from sources other than milk, in other words from solid foods. Vitamins, Minerals, and More – Breast milk contains vitamins and minerals, which formula’s attempt to simulate. However, the nutritional composition of breast milk includes over 100 different components the effect and importance of which will be established in years to come. Mature milk has many different kinds of proteins but the two major proteins are whey and casein. Whey is a smooth, liquidly-type of protein whereas casein is a coarse protein that tends to curdle. In breast milk, 60% to 80% of the proteins are of the whey type. Whey is easier to digest and it is absorbed well in your baby’s stomach, which is why breastfed babies will be hungry more often. Reasons to breastfeed Breast milk is the gold standard against which all formulas are measured for good reason: Breast milk is the most complete form of nutrition for young babies. Your breast milk has just the right amount of fat, energy, water, and protein that is needed for a baby’s growth and development. For most babies breast milk is easier to digest than other alternatives. Breast milk is the only milk that contains antibodies, which help to build your baby’s immune system. Breastfed babies are able to fight off infections and disease easier and are sick less often. Exclusive breastfeeding for the first 4 months of life has been found to lower the risk of childhood obesity as well as Type 2 diabetes. Exclusive breastfeeding for the first 4 months of life may also protect your child against allergies, especially allergic skin conditions like eczema. Breastfeeding also has many benefits for you. Breastfeeding uses up some fat stores and helps you get back into your jeans. It also helps your uterus to return to its original size a lot sooner and lowers the risk of breast and ovarian cancers. On a more practical level breastfeeding is convenient, it saves time and money. It is always available, at the right temperature and in a sterile ‘container’. What is important to remember is that even if you are able to breastfeed for only a short period of time, your baby will experience numerous benefits from breast milk. What about bottle-feeding? Taking the decision to bottle-feed will be the right choice for you and your baby if thought through carefully and upon advice of a medical professional. When it comes to parenting you are the only expert on your baby and although you must heed advice, ultimately a choice that makes you feel most comfortable and relaxed is the right choice for you and your baby. Feeding your baby expressed breast milk in a bottle will have the same benefits as breastfeeding and modern infant formula preparations are an excellent source of nutrition for your baby. For mothers who are unable to breastfeed or who decide not to, infant formula is a good alternative. If you feed your baby with a commercially prepared formula, be assured that your baby’s nutritional needs will be met. Things to consider when choosing your baby’s formula: While breastfeeding is the best nutrition for babies, commercially prepared infant formulas are a nutritious alternative to breast milk. Manufactured under sterile conditions, commercial formulas attempt to duplicate mother’s milk using a complex combination of proteins, sugars, fats, and vitamins that would be virtually impossible to create at home. So, if you don’t breastfeed your baby, it’s important that you use only a commercially prepared formula. If your baby is very irritable, has excessive gas, diarrhoea (which may be bloody), spitting up, vomiting, and poor weight gain she may be intolerant to the formula she is on. Choosing another type of baby formula, in consultation with a dietician, nursing sister or paediatrician may help alleviate the symptoms. Simply changing brands, unless you also change formula types, does not usually make a difference. You should not self diagnose your baby’s problems and decide to simply switch formula. You are more likely to create problems by uninformed formula switching. If you have a problem you think

September 27, 2013

Decorating your baby’s nursery

One of the enjoyable tasks involved with having a baby is planning and preparing a warm and welcoming space in your home for your new addition. However, when you add the concerns associated with pregnancy to the challenges of redecorating a room, it can be difficult to know just when to begin preparing that special room. You should consider several factors when determining when to begin decorating your baby’s nursery. The most important is time, for anything you do while you are pregnant. You need to be able to finish the decorating before your baby is born, which could be anywhere from a few weeks before your due date to a few days afterward. To be safe, plan to finish your decorating project before week 36 of your pregnancy. Although you may be bursting with ideas for the baby’s room, it is best to avoid purchasing items during the first trimester. Many mothers feel comfortable purchasing items and picking out paint colours once they are over this critical hump. The first trimester is a great time to look over your budget and determine what your spending allocation will be for the nursery, and to create a checklist of basic items you will need to purchase. Once you are past the first trimester, all those big plans in your head can begin to be realized. Many parents begin by choosing a theme for the nursery. Bedding can be a source of inspiration for paint colour and furniture type. So when can you begin? Determining when to begin decorating your baby’s nursery depends on your chosen theme. If you have chosen a gender-specific nursery theme, you have to wait to begin decorating until after your medical team can determine your baby’s sex through an ultrasound. This can usually be done between 20 and 28 weeks of pregnancy. Needless to say, this narrows down the window of time you can spend decorating the nursery considerably if you want it to be finished before the baby arrives. One way to avoid having to rush through decorating is to choose a neutral colour for the walls and floor of your baby’s room. Then, when you know whether your baby will be a boy or girl, you can add gender-specific items, such as wall hangings, bedding or throw rugs, to the room to make it special. For those with tight budgets, begin purchasing nursery items as soon as you can. Consider that some of the items found in the nursery include a cot, bedding, a chest of drawers, a changing area and a feeding chair. Plan on having your completed nursery done about six weeks before your due date. Have the nursery entirely set up at least a month before your due date, just in case baby decides to make an early entry into the world. The first item to purchase should be paint. It is best to get the painting done while the nursery is empty. Once you start to fill the room with furniture, painting becomes more complicated and can involve moving large items around. Another important consideration is the safety of mom and baby. The mother-to-be should not be moving furniture or painting in enclosed areas. Be sure that your plans include a helper. Painting on ladders and moving furniture should be avoided. If you and your significant other or helper have busy schedules, be sure to set aside days to do these activities together. Shopping for one baby is stressful enough, but if you are expecting twins, it is even more difficult. Most parents may feel the urge to simply buy two of everything. This is not always the case. There are some simple rules to keep in mind when shopping for your newborn twins.Decide which items the twins can share Start with the most important furniture items- 2 x cots (although in the first few months, the babies will share a cot, they grow very quickly, and once able to roll, can begin to disturb each other, and when you realise this, and it becomes problematic, you no longer have a waiting time available to allow for manufacture), 1 x compactum- it is NOT necessary to purchase 2 x compactums, as you cannot stand at 2 units at the same time. A good quality, comfortable feeding chair, and shelving should be considered. The Chad cots (available at dream furniture) are ideal, as there are no gaps, and if the middle rails are lowered, the babies can then climb in and out of each other’s cots when it is “awake time”, however, they can also be separated from each other when it is “sleep time”. Designing your baby’s nursery needn’t be a stressful time, with the correct knowledge and planning, turning your baby’s nursery from drab to fab can be as easy as 1 2 3!

September 26, 2013

7 Things to Prepare Your Kids for School

Shut Down Summertime Leniencies. As school approaches or starts, set up a family meeting (whether you have a significant other or not) to discuss the rules that will change at home: bedtimes, shutting TVs off, removing entertainment electronics from bedrooms, having to turn in social media devices and “friend sleep over rules.” Allow your child to voice his or her concerns over these changes, adopt the policies, and implement them on a specified date. It’s also a good idea to document the changes and post them where all can see them; sometimes children become forgetful of what they agreed to. School Supply Shopping. Sit down with your children and allow them to help you determine what supplies they are going to need for the coming school year. You are the parent and have final say over what is on the list, but use that authority with kindness and respect. Take your children shopping and let them be in charge as they carry the hand baskets and retrieve all the items on the list. Give them a set amount of money to spend to accommodate all that’s on the list and allow them to pay for the items at the checkout. The Work Space at Home. Collaborate with your children as to where homework will be done. Create a list with her and then go back through to review it and eliminate any locations that you’re not OK with. Remember, collaborating with your children is a way of helping them feel respected, but you’re still the boss. Set up the space that was decided on and help your children organize the supplies that were purchased at the store. The Homework Schedule. Each child is different when it comes to doing homework, so this next exercise will require your greatest level of patience. Help each of your children determine when they feel that they are best able to work on homework. Some children can do it as soon as they get home and others need a break before starting it. Coach each child into establishing their own schedule, make it clear and defined, and then document it. Your job will be to help reinforce what is decided. Control of Entertainment and Distractions. Announce a rule that any and all entertainment electronics and hand-held social media devices are to remain off or better yet, be turned in to the parents during the established homework times. This new rule should be in effect on school days, Monday thru Thursday and even on days when there is no homework. I’ve heard too many stories from parents who did not implement this rule and had their children come home after school reporting they had no homework, only to suddenly and mysteriously remember a homework assignment later that night or at bedtime. The Bedtime Schedule. I’ll tell you now that it is NOT your responsibility to get your children to fall asleep. That must happen naturally and your children are more in charge of that than you are. Your job is to create an environment and an atmosphere that is conducive to your children getting sleepy and eventually falling asleep. Your direct role is to define when bedtime will occur, enforcing it, and removing all distractions from their bedrooms, such as video games, televisions, cell phones, and computer.

September 23, 2013

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