Advice Column - Parenting Hub

Advice from the experts

The Unintended Comparisons We Make As Mothers

We are always told not to compare kids to each other, but forget that the same applies to ourselves. We are told not to worry that while your friend’s child is composing sonnets, yours can barely string two words together. You shouldn’t be overly concerned that your little one is bum scooting behind his running peers or that your niece can use chopsticks while your child hasn’t quite mastered the spoon. We know making comparisons is wrong, but what happens if the person you are comparing to others is yourself. I had my son a few months after my best friend had her twins, she was breast feeding two, while looking amazing (I swear she was in better shape than before the babies) and just seemed to have her ducks in a row. In a “routine, sleep at a certain time, eat your food and play together nicely” row. As the eldest of 13 grand children I thought my hundreds of hours of baby sitting would stand me in good stead and imagined I would have a similar row of ducks with my baby. My son however kicked all my ducks out of their proverbial row at birth already. He was born with problems breathing and was only allowed to go home with us after a stint in NICU. This meant I was not responsible for having him fall asleep those first two weeks, I just had to feed him and go – which messed with our bonding and didn’t make for the best routine. At home he needed to sleep at an angle because of severe reflux and breathing problems and having lost his brother to neonatal death the year before, I was a wreck. I literally didn’t sleep, I just watched him like a hawk. I caught up on a lot of reality TV around that time as I carefully monitored his breathing while his beautiful Moses basket went virtually untouched. There was a lot of crying… “He is colicky”, the doctor told me “You are quite bad at this mothering thing”, my mind told me. It didn’t help that I overheard a nurse say to another that I was not very confident with him. Eventually we got into a routine me and my little boy, my supportive husband in tow, but those ducks just never fell into formation like I had hoped. I was super freaked out, my kid wasn’t walking, sleeping or eating on schedule and judging by the moms in the mommy group , who seemed to have everything firmly under control, I was to blame. They never said anything, in fact they were/are super supportive, but I started comparing myself to them and driving myself batty. Compared to their kids he didn’t eat balanced enough meals, I failed to get him to sleep at 7.30PM, he walked late which must be because I put him in a walker and his vocabulary was lacking because I clearly didn’t speak to him enough. “I’m failing my child!!!”, are the words that ran through my mind. Not sure when the breakthrough came but I managed to pull myself towards myself – think it’s after I got a bit of a talking to from my husband. He reminded me that our son was an original and that I needed to start thinking of him like that. I needed to ditch some of the “expert advice” and listen to my heart. That is what I have been trying; being my own kind of mom instead of “the right kind”. Our 19-month-old chatter box doesn’t go to bed early. I did however manage to reign him in from his 12pm+ bedtime and he is now asleep by 9pm. Yes that’s late, but he sleeps through the night, goes to bed without a bottle and gets to spend time with his parents who get home from work late every night. He sleeps in a “big boy bed” and although I’ve been told by top sleep experts that my decision to put him there since around six months was not a good one, he no longer screams himself to sleep like he did in the crib and doesn’t endanger himself by trying to climb out. He doesn’t put himself to sleep though (part of why a sleep expert told me to put him back in his crib) instead my husband and I take turns to snuggle with him in bed, we read to him and pray with him and sneak out as he gets drowsy. I’m told this isn’t ideal but it works for us. He doesn’t eat proper “grown-up” food yet, the reflux has turned him into the pickiest eater ever, even though he doesn’t suffer anymore. He only eats a limited amount of things, this used to freak me out (okay it still does now and again – the kid has never ever had meat). But now I give him what he does eat, lots of fruit and crackers and veggie food pouches, while trying to introduce new things to him everyday, I even have a drawer of healthy snacks for home and school that I let him pick out of. Forcing him to eat what I want him to eat was making for a very bad situation, tears, screaming, food being thrown, and don’t even get me started on what he did. Now he gets to try our food every night, with a backup so I’m sure he doesn’t go to bed hungry. He even helps me prepare food for the family like salads which he merrily chomps on as we work. My son plays in the dirt (all the time), eats chocolate(despite my previous, no sweets rule), walks around barefoot, eats things from the floor and insists on fist bumping random people all the time. Oh, and did I mention he has a tendency to lay down wherever he is and make himself comfortable? He is not the neat, never naughty, sit in the corner and draw

December 3, 2014

Spit, snot and poo. Overcoming your fears

Let’s be honest. All babies do it and we knew for a fact that as dads we would have to deal with it sooner or later. And if you were anything like me, the mere thought of having to deal with any of these would have sent me running for the nearest hazmat suit to keep me protected. But once you actually hold the little bundle of joy in your hands, you come to the realisation that there is not a thing in this world that you would not do for your baby. And that’s when you man up and handle anything that gets thrown at you. Or leaks out. Or maybe even projectile vomited at you. So why is it that the things that some of us fear the most from babies are the things that are natural for them? Maybe if we knew a more, we would fear less. The never ending fountain of spit. This wondrous wonder comes in two different forms and from two different places. Clear saliva (drool) comes from the mouth while spit (whitish in colour and usually happens during or after feeding) comes from the tummy. Excessive drool usually is a sign of teething i.e. teeth pushing up through the gum. Drool also helps babies develop and grow. The drool they swallow helps neutralise stomach acid, lines and soothes the oesophageal lining and helps digest solid food. Spitting up (or vomit) is usually a result of GER or gastroesophageal reflux. This happens because the muscles at the bottom of oesophagus which lets food into the stomach is weak and allows food to escape back up. Whichever one it is, always have spare sets of clothing nearby, a burp cloth and about a million bibs because you are going to be changing these all the time. Is it clear or green? The snot question. If your toddler has clear stuff coming out of their nose, everything should be fine and this could point to newborn congestion (all the gunk is just working its way out), allergies, exposed to the cold or smoke. If the discharge is greenish or yellowish, your little one could have a cold or the flu. Bleeding from the nose, unpleasant smelling gunk (no idea why I said “unpleasant” because that would imply you get “pleasant” smelling gunk) and pain could mean that your baby has managed to find something small and stashed it in a secret hiding place for later. It may be tricky to stop the flow, but knowing what’s causing it may help you in treating it. Various items such as nasal aspirators, rubber bulb syringes and saline solution may ease the congestion. I even read of one mum who placed her mouth over the baby’s nose and just sucked it out! And like everything else, if you are not sure or concerned, seek professional advice. The truth about baby poop. “Where’s does it all come from? She just pooped a minute ago! She pooped again WHILE I was changing her nappy! I don’t remember him eating that!” These are questions that all parents go through. Each baby is different and therefore all bodily functions will be different. While most babies poo everyday, it is also acceptable for babies to poo every three days. Babies who are fed on formula, poo less often than breast fed babies. The first few poos after baby is born are always almost black and sticky (called the meconium and sometimes require an entire packet of wet wipes to clean). The poo than becomes greenish brown and turns to bright mustard colour afterwards. Examining your babies nappy, and trust me you eventually will with a fine tooth comb, provides a wealth of information about their state of health. Overly runny stools may indicate diarrhoea and pellet like stools may indicate constipation. Red, black and white stools require an immediate consultation with you doctor as red poo usually contains blood in it, black poo usually contains digested blood and white poo indicates a problem with bile production. My suggestions for handling poo is DO NOT take a deep breath and just deal with it. Within a few weeks you will be an expert on diaper changing and even have a routine you will follow. I was a bit OCD about diaper changes and would lay out everything beforehand (wet wipes, cotton swabs, nappies, bum cream and plastic bag for the dirty nappy) like I was preparing an operating theatre. The last thing you would want is a case of explosive diarrhoea (oh yes, that is a real thing!) and only to find it is the last wet wipe in the packet. So… spit, snot and poo. Every parent eventually gets over their fears and deals with it. The person who may have once started off armed with a gas mask and a pair of braai thongs for a diaper change now finds themselves scarily comfortable discussing the colour and consistency of their baby’s poo. Your fears are overcome and anything that leaks, is projectile vomited or has the radioactive smell of a nuclear explosion will be caught with a wet wipe, tissue and in extreme cases even your bare hands. That is the strength of unconditional love and joy.

December 2, 2014

You’re Not The Boss Of Me!

If you have a boss at the office, have you taken time to acknowledge him or her? When I worked in Corporate America, I use to flip this upside down. I would tell my staff that they were MY boss and that I worked for them. It was their job to tell me what they needed me to do for them so they could get the REAL work done. For me, home was no different. I might have been considered the head of household in some regards, if that title is still used, but my real bosses were my spouse and my children. I did the very best that I could to reinforce the facts that what THEY said and did were more important to me than my work. When the needs of my family were met first, I found myself more productive at the office. For example, my 16-year-old bonus (step) daughter recently announced that I talked too much about money and work at the dinner table. She said it was important to her to not hear about those topics and strongly requested that we talk about other things. She was right about that and she was right to draw that line. My wife then hung a sign in the dining room that talk of money and work were banned from that room. We also all agreed to NOT bring cell phones to the table. Have you ever heard your young child say “You’re not the boss of me?” That’s because crave power and want desperately to feel valuable to the family. But if they’re constantly being told what to do and when to do it, they will never feel like they have power. Here are six ideas for helping your kids feel like they are the boss of something, sometime: If your child corrects you, avoid getting defensive and thank them for bringing the correction to your attention. Create a rotation so that they can each have a turn leading the family meeting. Ask an older child to help you with the younger children, by reading to them, teaching them something, or taking some sort of leadership role as the oldest or older child. Allow your child to teach you how to do something they do well, such as drawing a picture, building with Legos, or make believe play. Let them lead the family on a shopping trip, giving them a list of items or pictures of objects to look for at the grocery store. Designate them as the baker in following a recipe (with your coaching) to make a simple fun desert. As a result, their need to feel valuable and powerful in the family will be satisfied and won’t get in the way when you need them to cooperate and listen. Can you add any others to this list? Email me your ideas to [email protected].

November 25, 2014

Why Do Some Children Struggle To Write Neatly?

Causes of poor handwriting Poor visual perceptual skills Poor muscle tone Poor postural contro Poor fine eye-hand coordination Poor hand function Poor motor planning Poor sensory integration Poor visio-motor integration Poor concentration ADHD/ADD Cognitive and psychological factors Dysgraphia: this is a neurological disorder resulting in problematic handwriting. This disorder sometimes accompanies ADHD, Asperger’s, learning disabilities, trauma and physical disabilities. Criteria for diagnosis include the absence of intellectual impairment and the ability to read according to your age level. What will help? First it is important to find the cause of the poor handwriting. If it is one of the many causes listed above then yes, therapy will help. Take your child to an occupational therapist to determine the underlying cause of the poor handwriting. Addressing the cause/causes will improve the handwriting. Weekly therapy may be necessary or a home program could be followed. Some children struggle a lot with poor handwriting and are diagnosed with dysgraphia. Causes of dysgraphia Visual-spatial difficulties Language processing difficulties The causes listed under ‘poor handwriting’ may also apply here Signs of dysgraphia Mixing upper and lower case Awkward positioning of the body while writing Inconsistent shape and size of letters/numbers Struggles to form letters/numbers Unfinished letters Talks to self while writing Increased/decreased copying speed A lot of spelling errors Poor use of lines and spacing Experiences stress when having to write (e.g. crying) Pain in hand/arm when writing Clumsy pencil grip Sometimes mixes cursive and print writing Types of dysgraphia Dyslexic dysgraphia – Spontaneous writing is poor, copying is good and spelling is bad. This diagnosis doesn’t mean that your child is dyslexic as well. Motor dysgraphia – This is usually due to poor fine eye-hand coordination/motor incoordination/dexterity/muscle-tone. The child cannot sustain writing for long periods of time and often writes with a slant. Spatial dysgraphia – These kids often struggle to stay inside the lines as well as with spacing of the letters and words. Phonological dysgraphia – These kids struggle to write non-words, unknown words and phonetically irregular words are problematic. Lexical dysgraphia (rare in kids) – Kids will struggle to write words that are phonetically irregular, especially in English as spelling is not always phonetically. Will therapy help? If the therapist suspects dysgraphia your child needs to be referred to a neurologist for diagnosis. Therapy may/or may not be of value as the underlying causes need to be investigated when dysgraphia is diagnosed. Classroom tips It doesn’t help to let a child with dysgraphia repeat untidy work or illegible writing. Practising won’t improve his handwriting. Don’t always judge the child or harp on his untidy handwriting. This will affect the child’s attitude towards school and may cause emotional stress and can lead to a negative self-image and depression. The best is to offer alternatives to writing e.g. using a tablet/computer when completing homework or completing exams/tests orally. It sometimes helps to supply the child with a slant board as it positions the body ergonomically correctly. Allow the child more time to copy work/complete writing tasks. Let the child experiment with different pens/pencils (thickness/ resistance on the paper) – all of us prefer a different kind of pen and this may also make it easier for the child. Practise writing letters in the sand/salt/in the air to practise gross motor shaping of the letters. Let the child choose if he wants to write print or cursive. Decrease the amount of work that the child has to copy and rather focus on important writing tasks – have the copied work ready for the child. References www.ncld.org/types-learning-disabilities/dysgraphia/what-is-dysgraphia www.handwriting-solutions.com/dysgraphia.asp www.occupationaltherapychildren.com.au/information/dysgraphia-handwriting-difficulties

November 23, 2014

Too Much Caffeine When Cramming For Finals Poses Health Risk To Students

Exam season is upon us and soon hundreds of thousands of students across the country will be pulling caffeine-fuelled all-nighters in an attempt to cram a year’s worth of information into their heads, but a pharmaceutical company warns of caffeine-induced anaphylaxis or allergy. Mariska van Aswegen, spokesperson of allergy medicine provider, Pharma Dynamics says with final exams looming, the next month or so is going to be particularly stressful for students. “Whether intentional or not, many students tend to leave studying for finals till the 11th hour resulting in many nocturnal hours spent slumped over a desk in last-minute preparation. This is when stimulants such as coffee and energy drinks become the go-to in order to help students stay awake and alert,” she says. But too much caffeine can lead to caffeine-induced anaphylaxis or caffeine allergy toxicity, especially in sensitive individuals. Van Aswegen explains that a caffeine allergy can be deceptive. “The allergic person may experience typical symptoms associated with an allergy which includes sneezing, difficulty breathing, hives an itchy or swollen mouth and tongue, heart palpitations, dizziness or eczema, but these physical cues are often accompanied by psychiatric responses. Depending on how much caffeine is consumed, symptoms of caffeine allergy – also termed by some as a cerebral allergy – can range from mild to severe which include lack of concentration and comprehension, aggression, hyperactivity and disorganised thought processes. “Students may diagnose their symptoms as a sign of overtiredness making them reach for yet another cuppa or energy drink, which may provide minor relief, but it just continues to jeopardise the body,” cautions van Aswegen. She says a caffeine allergy is difficult to detect and can take several hours for symptoms to become apparent. Caffeine is also the last thing you associate the response with. Doctors in turn also rarely diagnose caffeine allergy because few know of it and aren’t likely to ask about your caffeine consumption. Although many people drink coffee, energy drinks and cola, which contain large doses of caffeine, some may not realise that they are actually allergic to it. Symptoms may vary depending on how strong a person’s allergy to caffeine is. “How you react to caffeine has a lot to do with how much caffeine you are used to drinking. People or students in this case who aren’t used to consuming lots of caffeine on a regular basis can be much more sensitive or allergic to its negative effects. The converse may also be true. According to medical literature, the longer a person is exposed to an allergen, the greater the chances of developing an allergy to the substance. “Once this happens, those allergic to caffeine can’t adequately metabolise it. Consequently, they experience hypersensitivity or inflammation in certain organs. So, it pays to know your limits with caffeine.” Her advice to students studying for end-of-year exams is as follows: Ditch the caffeine for H2O. Water gives the brain the electrical charge it needs for all brain functions including thought and memory processes Eat a well-balanced diet of fruit and vegetables at least a week prior to and during exam time Take a five minute break every hour to allow your body to produce more glucose – the fuel you need for studying. Rather opt for snacks such as almonds, blueberries, avocados, fatty fish and yoghurt Get enough sleep and avoid the all-nighters. Studies show that all-nighters impair reasoning and memory for up to four days. Review the toughest material right before going to bed the night before the test which makes it easier to recall the information later Avoid distractions such as listening to music, SMSing or tweeting while studying as this will limit your ability to retain information “By drinking three caffeinated energy drinks a day, students could be ingesting more than 500mg of caffeine or 1.5 times the amount of caffeine that is regarded as safe for adult consumption. Two to three cups of coffee (300mg of caffeine) a day is considered safe and teenagers should limit themselves to no more than 100mg of caffeine a day,” says van Aswegen.

November 21, 2014

Words of Encouragement and Support: How a Mum Can Support Her Girl

Life can feel lonely for teenage girls. Have you ever considered writing a message of support to your daughter? Sharing your own teenage experiences through words of encouragement can help you empathise with her and make your conversations more positive. It may also do wonders for her self-esteem. Words of Encouragement From the Girl I Once Was: A Message of Support for My Daughter It seems like such a long time since I was a teenager but I saw a picture of myself the other day at the same age you are now and suddenly my heart just melted for you. I looked into my own girl’s eyes and I could see all the confusion, all the uncertainty. So that’s why I’m writing you this message of support. It’s such a time of change and I want to tell you how I got through it, because I think hearing about some of my experiences might help you. For a while, it felt as though looks were all that mattered but gradually I learned to trust my instincts about what really made me who I was. I learned to play to my academic strengths. I realised that though I’d never be on the netball team, I could still enjoy other activities and take pride in them. I discovered that what matters most is learning to trust that voice inside that’s authentically me, that makes me the person I am. I didn’t have to be the best at whatever it was I was trying to achieve, but I did have to try my best. Realising the difference between those two things really boosted my self-confidence. It took me a long time to realise the importance of friendship. You don’t need tons of friends, but you do need at least a few close friends you can trust, and you need to learn to accept them, warts and all, and work out the hard stuff. When boyfriends (or girlfriends) come along, that’s a new stage again. I remember how weird it felt, this new kind of closeness. I spent a lot of time in my bedroom just thinking about my crushes, and you’ll probably want to do that too. I didn’t want to share these things with my mum and I imagine you’ll feel the same way. I made a fair few mistakes when I was a girl and no doubt you will too. But here’s something I learned when I was older and I’d like you to know it now. We all make mistakes in life but what’s important is what you do after you realise you’ve made one and how you work through it. It takes courage to face up to your mistakes and move on, but being able to do this can be incredibly empowering. It can give your self-esteem a huge lift, because it helps you realise that, whatever happens, you call the shots in your life and you can turn things around. Always know that I love you. Love Mum What Next: Action Steps to Help Send Encouraging Messages to Your Daughter Allow your daughter to tell you what it’s like from her point of view, and really listen to her. Don’t jump in too quickly with advice or anecdotes about your own experiences. Don’t rush to judgement; rather, show your daughter that you trust her judgement on what’s going on in her life. “You’ll be doing a huge amount for your daughter’s self-esteem if you can show her that you trust her and respect her opinions,” says Dr Tara Cousineau. Girls can easily misinterpret mums’ offers of advice or support as criticism or judgement. Be open to hearing what’s really going on in her life and try not to jump in with opinions or she won’t be so ready to share her feelings next time. Make sure the conversation is about your daughter and her experiences, not yours. There are opportunities to share and learn daily. Discuss a story about girls from the news or community when they appear and ask, “What would you do in this situation?” This helps with constructive problem solving around tough issues girls deal with, including bullying, dating, drinking, etc. Look through old photo albums or mementos from when you were young and select a story from your own adolescence that shows how you dealt with a challenge: a time when you felt anxious, perhaps, or uncertain about a friendship. Feelings, desires and fears are universal and have no generational limitations, so tapping into how you felt will give you a sense of the sort of worries your daughter may be experiencing now. Try writing your own letter of encouragement to your daughter in which you mention your experiences. You don’t necessarily have to give it to her, just taking the time to think about that time in your life will help you to empathise with your daughter. To read more articles like this visit the Dove Self Esteem website: http://selfesteem.dove.co.za/

November 20, 2014

I Am Woman, Stroke Affects Me

Stroke is the second biggest killer of women in South Africa. It is estimated that about 150 women suffer a stroke in South Africa every day. That is a stroke every 10 minutes. These statistics alone highlight the massive impact of stroke on women. This is why the Heart and Stroke Foundation SA (HSF) is joining forces with the World Stroke Organisation in its global campaign: “I am woman, stroke affects me” to raise awareness about stroke in women. A stroke is also known as a “brain attack” and can injure the brain like a heart attack can injure the heart. It happens when the blood supply to part of the brain is interrupted. When that happens, part of the brain doesn’t get the blood and oxygen it needs, causing damage and results in the person experiencing the symptoms of stroke. Stroke doesn’t discriminate; it affects us all, so why do women have a higher stroke mortality rate than men? “Women are more likely to die when suffering a stroke than men. In fact, every year, 4000 more South African women die because of a stroke than men and our unhealthy lifestyles are largely to blame,” says Dr Vash Mungal-Singh, CEO of the Heart and Stroke Foundation SA. “Up to 70% of our women are overweight or obese and almost half of our women are physically inactive which increases their risk of having a stroke.” Added to this, high blood pressure is the biggest risk factor for strokes and 1 in 3 women in South Africa have high blood pressure. It is vital that South Africans regularly check their blood pressure and lower their salt intake as a high salt diet is a key contributor to high blood pressure. “The statistics are worrying,” says Dr Mungal-Singh. “But by making small changes to your lifestyle, you can vastly reduce your chances of having a stroke in the first place. Up to 80% of stroke and heart disease can be prevented by adopting a healthy diet and lifestyle,” she says. When asked why more South African women are dying of strokes than men, this is what Professor Alan Bryer, Head of the Division of Neurology and of the Stroke Unit at Groote Schuur Hospital and the University of Cape Town had to say: “Women share the traditional risk factors for suffering a stroke with men. However, more women than men suffer from migraines with aura, atrial fibrillation, depression, emotional stress, metabolic syndrome and obesity. These factors increase the risk of a stroke. In addition, there are gender specific risk factors that can further explain the higher incidence of strokes in women. These include high blood pressure during pregnancy, hormone replacement therapy and contraceptives. Lastly, smoking interacts with these gender specific risk factors to make women more susceptible to suffering a stroke.” Professor Bryer’s remarks are aligned with the American Stroke Association Guidelines and Dr Mungal-Singh echoes his sentiments. Additionally, the Global Stroke Bill of Rights was launched on 21 October at the Opening Ceremony of the 9th World Stroke Congress in Istanbul. The document identifies the aspects of care that are important for all stroke survivors and caregivers from across the world. World Stroke Organisation (WSO) President Stephen Davis states, “It is now time that all stroke patients and caregivers around the world have their own Bill of Rights. The Bill of Rights forms the basis to ensure that every patient has access to all elements of appropriate stroke care, to optimise their best chance of survival and recovery. The WSO is calling on governments, ministries of health and healthcare systems, with the support of key opinion leaders and stroke advocates, to rise to this challenge and ensure that the Bill of Rights is fully supported and implemented.” To support the launch of the stroke Bill of Rights, the Heart and Stroke Foundation is also launching an online stroke manual, ‘My stroke: a practical manual for stroke patients’. A first in South Africa, the manual was developed in partnership with Professor Bryer and the Heart and Stroke Foundation, and is a comprehensive resource to support stroke survivors and their families. The manual and Bill of Rights are both available online on the HSF’s website: www.heartfoundation.co.za.

November 19, 2014

What Is Dyslexia Really? Part 2

Di dunia kini kita, tiap orang harus dapat membaca…. Unless one has FIRST learned to speak Bahasa Indonesia, there is no way that one would be able to read the above Indonesian sentence. This shows that language is at the very bottom of the reading ladder. Its role in reading can be compared to the role of running in the game of soccer, or ice-skating in the game of ice hockey. One cannot play soccer if one cannot run, and one cannot play ice hockey if one cannot skate. One cannot read a book in a language – and least of all write – unless one knows the particular language. If a child’s knowledge of English is poor, then his reading will also be poor. Evidence that links reading problems and language problems has been extensively presented in the literature. Research has, for example, shown that about 60 percent of dyslexics were late talkers. In order to prevent later reading problems, parents must therefore ensure that a child is exposed to sufficient opportunities to learn language. The second rung consists of cognitive skills While language skills comprise the first rung of the reading ladder, cognitive skills comprise the second. There is a whole conglomeration of cognitive skills that are foundational to reading and spelling. Attention “Everyone knows what attention is,” wrote William James in his Principles of Psychology (1890). “It is the taking of possession by the mind in clear and vivid form, of one out of what seem several simultaneously possible objects or trains of thought… It implies withdrawal from some things in order to deal effectively with others, and is a condition which has a real opposite in the confused, dazed, scatterbrained state.” Needless to say, attention or concentration (the words attention and concentration are used synonymously) plays a critical role in learning. Focussed attention is the behavioural and cognitive process of selectively concentrating on one aspect of the environment while ignoring other things, while sustained attention refers to the state in which attention must be maintained over time. Both are important foundational skills of reading. Because attention is so important for reading, ADHD and dyslexia commonly co-occur. Approximately 25 percent of children who are diagnosed with ADHD, a learning difficulty known to affect concentration, are also dyslexic. Visual perception Visual perception plays a significant role in school learning, particularly in reading. Visual perceptual deficit refers to a reduced ability to make sense of information taken in through the eyes. This is different from problems involving sight or sharpness of vision. Difficulties with visual perception affect how visual information is interpreted or processed. The person may have a difficulty to discriminate in terms of foreground-background, forms, size, and position in space. He may also be unable to synthesise and analyse. Foreground-background differentiation involves the ability to focus on selected objects and screen out or ignore the irrelevant ones. The child experiencing a difficulty in this area is unable to recognise an object which is surrounded by others. For example, the child cannot locate a ball in a picture of several toys, or a word in a word-find puzzle. Form discrimination: Whether it is to differentiate a circle from a square, or the letter B from P, the ability to perceive the shapes of objects and pictures is an important skill for the developing child to acquire. There is hardly an academic activity that does not require the child to engage in form discrimination. The most obvious classroom activity requiring the child to discriminate forms is that of reading. The learning of the letters of the alphabet, syllables, and words will undoubtedly be impeded if there is difficulty in perceiving the form of the letters, syllables, and words. That the discrimination of letters is a crucial skill in the early stages of reading is evidenced by an extensive literature review conducted by Chall (1967). She concluded that the letter knowledge of young children is a better predictor of early reading ability than the various tests of intelligence and language ability. Size discrimination: Capital letters, being used at the start of a sentence, sometimes look exactly the same as their lowercase counterparts, and must therefore be discriminated mainly with regard to size. A person who is unable to interpret size may, for example, find it difficult to distinguish between a capital letter C and a lowercase c. Spatial relations refer to the position of objects in space. It also refers to the ability to accurately perceive objects in space with reference to other objects. A person with a spatial problem may find it difficult to distinguish letters like b, d, p, and q. Synthesis and analysis: Synthesis refers to the ability to perceive individual parts as a whole, while analysis refers to perceiving the whole in its individual parts. Synthesis plays an important role in reading, whereas analysis is of special importance in spelling. Auditory perception Myklebust defines auditory perception as the ability to “structure the auditory world and select those sounds which are immediately pertinent to adjustment.” Berry and Eisenson state that children with auditory perceptual deficits can hear sounds but are unable to recognise them for meaning. Defined as the ability to recognise or interpret what is heard, auditory perception plays as important a role as visual perception in reading. Problems with auditory perception generally correspond to those in the visual area and are presented under the following components: Auditory foreground-background differentiation refers to the ability to select and attend to relevant auditory stimuli and ignore the irrelevant. The child who has a difficulty in this area is unable to make such differentiation. As a consequence, everything heard is attended to equally. Thus, the teacher’s voice is lost in the background noises of other children’s whispers, or the voices in the corridor, or the traffic sounds coming from the street. Auditory discrimination refers to the ability to hear similarities and differences between sounds. The child who has a problem in this area is unable to identify gross

November 18, 2014

Top 5 Parenting Tips For a Peaceful Home

Every morning you wake up early and leap straight into the usual routine – fighting with children to get them out of bed, dressed in school uniform, hair brushed, lunches made, homework in school bags, vitamins taken (and so on and so on). Of course this is all done at break neck speed or else you’ll all be late for school and work. After a hard day at the office, you’re greeted by your energetic bundle of joy who has more energy than you can even remember having. Although you’d love to spend some quality time with your child, you’re tired and would far prefer to put your feet up with a nice hot cup of tea. Within half an hour of walking through the door, youthful exuberance has turned into exhausting hyperactivity, and you’re in a power struggle with your child to get homework done, baths completed, teeth brushed, stories read and everyone into bed at a reasonable hour. You finally win the battle and manage to put your feet up for a short while before collapsing into bed yourself – only to start the cycle all over again the following morning with a brief respite over the weekend. By this time of year, most parents are even more burnout and frazzled than normal and are usually exceptionally tired of this routine. If this sounds vaguely familiar, then read on to find out five top tips for creating peace and order in your home – enabling you to play with your child AND have some time out for yourself. The Importance of Routine and Planning: No Surprises You might feel as though your life is mundane and boring and that you do the same activities day in and day out. However, it is possible that your life and that of your children may lack a structured routine. When people get very busy they tend to confront tasks as they arise, rather than planning ahead and sticking to a schedule. One very easy way of adding some peace and order to your family’s life is to start structuring your family’s days in a more regular way. In this manner, both you and your child will know ahead of time what is expected of you, and there will be less room for surprises – and therefore less room for crises. Consistency is Key: Mean What You Say We’ve all heard parents making threats that they have no intention of keeping. Children are very insightful and can usually tell when an adult is making an idle threat. The consequence of this is that your child may not take you as seriously as you would like them to, and they might quickly learn that they can get away with a fair amount of undesirable behaviour. It is therefore important that if you give your child a consequence for undesirable behaviour (for example, “if you don’t do your homework, you may not watch your favourite TV program tonight”), that you follow through with this. This teaches your child that there are consequences for negative behaviour. Significantly, this will also teach your child that you can be trusted. Whilst it is important to carry through with your threats, it is equally important to respond to inappropriate or undesirable behaviour in a similar way each time. Children become confused if they are allowed to do something one day but not the next. This confusion can even be quite frightening for them, and children who are able to predict their parents’ behaviour feel a lot more secure and less anxious. Positive Reinforcement: Praise is More Effective Than Punishment Sometimes it can be easy to get into a negative cycle of using frequent punishment for unwelcome behaviour. This is especially true when you are stressed and tired. Whilst there is a time and a place for appropriate punishment, children generally respond a lot better to encouragement than they do to moaning. We often notice bad behaviour more than we notice good behaviour and it is a great idea to pay close attention to the times when your child is behaving in a positive way. By doing this, you will be able to acknowledge good behaviour in your child when it occurs. For instance, rather than moaning at your child for making a noise, praise them the next time that they are quietly sitting drawing a picture. It is important that you are not vague when telling your child what you expect of them. For example, rather than telling your child to be ‘good’, tell them what you actually want of them, such as ‘say please’ or ‘do not hit me’. If there are specific (target) behaviours that you would like to see more of in your child (for example, brushing teeth without being told to; using the toilet independently; getting into bed without making a fuss), then a good way to encourage these behaviours is by rewarding your child when these behaviours occur. Natural Consequences: Allow Children to Learn Their Own Lessons Although it can be hard to watch your child fail, it can be a very effective option to allow your child to experience the natural consequences of his or her behaviour. Rather than argue with your child over every matter, make your child aware of the consequences of his or her behaviour and then let him or her experience it. This obviously does not apply to situations where your child might come to some harm if you were to let his or her behaviour go unchecked. Not only will this teach your child to be internally responsible for monitoring his or her behaviour (as opposed to relying solely on other people), but it means that you do not need to spend the energy trying to control every aspect of your child’s day. In this way, you will have more energy to engage in positive activities with your child. Punishment: The Last Resort It has already been suggested that praise and encouragement is more useful than

November 14, 2014

What Is Dyslexia Really? Part 1

The term dyslexia was coined from the Greek words dys, meaning ill or difficult, and lexis, meaning word. Spelling and writing, due to their close relationship with reading, are usually also included. According to popular belief dyslexia is a neurological disorder in the brain that causes information to be processed and interpreted differently, resulting in reading difficulties. Historically, the dyslexia label has been assigned to learners who are bright, even verbally articulate, but who struggle with reading; in short, whose high IQs mismatch their low reading scores. When children are not as bright, their reading troubles have been chalked up to their general intellectual limitations. What does it look and sound like? One of the most obvious tell-tale signs is reversals. People with this kind of problem often confuse letters like b and d, either when reading or when writing, or they sometimes read (or write) words like “rat” for “tar,” or “won” for “now.” Another sure sign is elisions – that is when a person sometimes reads or writes “cat” when the word is actually “cart.” The person may read very slowly and hesitantly, read without fluency, word by word, or may constantly lose his place, thereby leaving out whole chunks or reading the same passage twice. The person may try to sound out the letters of the word, but then be unable to say the correct word. For example, he may sound the letters “c-a-t” but then say “cold.” He may read or write the letters of a word in the wrong order, like “left” for “felt,” or the syllables in the wrong order, like “emeny” for “enemy,” or words in the wrong order, like “are there” for “there are.” He may spell words as they sound, for example “rite” for “right.” He may read with poor comprehension, or it may be that he remembers little of what he reads. The person may have a poor and/or slow handwriting. Some misconceptions Because of the erroneous belief that the brain cannot change, it was historically believed that dyslexia is “incurable”: “Dyslexia is like alcoholism … it can never be cured” (Clark, M., & Gosnell, M., “Dealing with dyslexia,” Newsweek, 22 March 1982, 55-56.) Advocacy groups, in the rush to generate public awareness for the condition of dyslexia, with the cooperation of a compliant media, have perpetuated the belief that a host of famous individuals such as Albert Einstein, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Edison, Walt Disney, Winston Churchill and Hans Christian Andersen were dyslexic. The folk myth – the “affliction of the geniuses” – continues to be spread despite the fact that knowledge of the definition of dyslexia and the reading of any standard biographies would immediately reveal the inaccuracy of many such claims. For example, as educational psychologist Dr Coles points out, Einstein’s reading of Kant and Darwin at age thirteen is hardly representative of individuals who are currently labelled dyslexic. New technology sheds new light By the turn of this century, the advancement in technology has made it possible for scientists to see inside the brain, resulting in the knowledge that the brain is plastic. New connections can form and the internal structure of the existing synapses can change. New neurons, also called nerve cells, are constantly being born, particularly in the learning and memory centres. A person who becomes an expert in a specific domain, will have growth in the areas of the brain that are involved with their particular skill. Even if the left hemisphere of a person’s brain is severely injured (in 95% of people the left hemisphere controls the capacity to understand and generate language), the right side of the brain can take over some language functions. With fMRI-scans et cetera it has now been confirmed that – as was always suspected – there are indeed differences between the brains of dyslexic persons and good readers. More and more research studies, however, suggest that the cause-effect relationship should be reversed, i.e. that these differences might not be the cause, but the effect of the reading difficulty. Using brain imaging scans, neuroscientist John D. E. Gabrieli at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have found that there was no difference between the way poor readers with or without dyslexia think while reading. The study conducted by Dr Gabrieli involved 131 children, aged 7 to 16. Following a simple reading test and an IQ measure, each child was assigned to one of three groups: typical readers with typical IQs, poor readers with typical IQs, and poor readers with low IQs. During the test, researchers used functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to observe the activity in six brain regions identified as being important in connecting print and sound. The results indicated that poor readers of all IQ levels showed significantly less brain activity in the six observed areas than typical readers. But there was no difference in the brains of the poor readers, regardless of their IQs. Another study, published online in the Journal of Neuroscience, researchers analysed the brains of children with dyslexia and compared them with two other groups of children: an age-matched group without dyslexia and a group of younger children who had the same reading level as the children with dyslexia. Although the children with dyslexia had less grey matter than age-matched children without dyslexia, they had the same amount of grey matter as the younger children at the same reading level. Lead author Anthony Krafnick said this suggests that the anatomical differences reported in left-hemisphere language-processing regions of the brain appear to be a consequence of reading experience as opposed to a cause of dyslexia. One must also consider that neurological differences do not equal neurological disorders and disabilities. We now also know that there are differences between the brains of people who can juggle and people who cannot juggle, between the brains of people who can play a musical instrument and people who cannot play a musical instrument. Then logically there will be differences between the brains of people who read

November 13, 2014

Should You Let Your Child Play Minecraft?

A client of mine asked me what I thought about her child playing Minecraft on the family computer. She said he is constantly begging her to let him play and complains that all of his friends are playing it. This child’s school is even dabbling with allowing the kids to use it in the classroom. My simple answer was YES, but it comes with a more complex HOW and WHEN to let him play it. Let me explain in more detail. What is it? Minecraft is an interesting and time-consuming game that was created in 2011 by an independent company Mojang, a Swedish software developer. In September of this year, the company was purchased by Microsoft for $2.5 million. The developers also released another game called Scrolls. This first person, sandbox type of game has few rules, no story line, and allows users to create items and buildings from resources they find around them. It is an open-ended, exploration type of game that also has monsters the users can fight using swords and bows. This game is a bit primitive from a graphics standpoint and there is no blood and gore. Many have referred to it as a Legos-type video game. The Positives Kids who play this game develop problem-solving and design-thinking skills. They learn creative thinking, geometry and even a little geology as they create imaginative block structures and collaborate with others in building structures and communities. With this game, they can use their imagination to build and show off their digital creations. Experts suggest that children be 11 years of age and older, yet many parents believe that children as young as 8 years can master it and learn. The Drawbacks Parents need to know that this game is part of a large online community, hosted by private, adult-run servers that are not moderated in any way. This means that your child can be contacted by adult strangers online through chat conversations, who play the game and participate. Other risks include your child being exposed to adult-natured conversations, profanity, and sexually oriented objects or digital images (for example, phallic-shaped buildings). Precautions Many parents will think that the benefits to their child of allowing them to play, outweigh the risks if some rules and boundaries are set in place. Here are some suggestions if you decide to allow your child to play Minecraft. Locate a common-use computer in a well-traveled area of your home where your child can play the game. This will allow you and other adults to “check in” and observe your child as they play. Ban all computers from bedrooms of children and younger teens. Limit your child’s play of Minecraft to 30 – 60 minutes on weekdays and no more than 2 hours on weekend days. Setting these limits will keep time on the game in perspective with the rest of your child’s world, and make more time for active play, reading, homework and family time. Engage your child in conversation about the game and their experiences often. Invite them to show you what they are building and consider participating with them on some level, especially if they are under the age of 11. Finally, get to know the parents of your child’s friends they visit for playtime in their homes. Find out what supervision and computer access your child may have there when they visit and play.

November 13, 2014

Relaxation And Exam Preparation

I don’t think any of us associate exams with being relaxed, but bringing these two together is the answer to exam success. You see, when we activate the stress-response in the body, that fight or flight mechanism, we actually decrease the blood supply to our higher thinking functions. See it like this: If you were in the bush, running away from a hungry lion you don’t really need to be able to do calculus at that time – what you need are fast reflexes and pumped muscles. This is the same mechanism in place when we get stressed about exams. The more stressed you are, the less clearly you can think. This is why I believe that continuous assessment is a much clearer indicator of what kids know and have understood than these highly intense end-of-term exams. But hey, if you’re stuck with them for now, let’s look at what you can do to help your kids through… Firstly, remove the pressure to excel. Bribing or threatening kids into doing well on their exams is more likely to activate this fight or flight mechanism. Even the way that you speak about the exams can make a difference – be very matter of fact about it – “it’s not a test to see who you are or if you’re a worthy human being (you’d be surprised how many kids believe this at some level) but just a way for the teachers to see how much you’ve learned and if THEY need to improve their teaching methods or help you out in areas that you haven’t understood. And it’s ok if you don’t do well!” Taking this pressure off makes it more likely that they will. And I’m not saying they don’t need to study, they do, but in a stress-free way. The next thing is to introduce some kind of relaxation exercises into their study routine. Deep breathing is a simple, easy way to de-activate the stress response. Breathe in as you count to 3, hold on the count of 4 and then breathe out to the counts of 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. In other words your out-breath is twice the length of your in-breath. This is a typical breathing pattern used in stress-biofeedback, a medically proven technique for reducing stress and all the negative side-effects that come with it. Take a 5-minute breathing-break for every 30 minutes of studying. My personal favourite for staying in a relaxed, and therefore beneficial studying state, is to get your brainwaves to a Theta level (4-8 cycles per second / Hz). From the ages of around 2-6 we are predominantly in a Theta state which is why we absorb so much information so easily. I call this the Learning State, and it’s very easy to get back into it. Pick a spot on the wall in front of you above eye level. Stare at this spot intensely until you start to feel a strain on your eyes. Then, while still looking at this spot, expand your vision to include the peripheral vision (ie as far as you can see to either side while still staring at your spot). Then you can look back down (at your study material or teacher) but keep a constant awareness of the periphery. When we are stressed (the lion is chasing us) we tend to be very focused on our foveal/central vision – one small spot in front of us. When we’re relaxed (reclining on the porch of our beach house), we tend to open up our vision to include the whole scenery. So by getting into the relaxed Learning State, we “trick” our bodies and minds into believing we are relaxed, and we open up to much more information. Staying in the Learning State while learning and while writing exams is a simple and effective trick for marrying exams and relaxation for best effect. Good luck and stay calm!

November 11, 2014

Taking Action On the School Dilemma

Many people are having difficulty finding a school for Grade 1, which can add a lot of additional stress at this time of year. It is natural to feel a sense of helplessness and hopelessness at the current lack of schools, and yet the best solution I have found to these feelings has always been taking action. Here are some ideas to get you going… Homeschooling is always one option to look at, and if you spend some time online you will find many homeschooling groups where mother’s get together and support each other and help their kids to socialize. A private tutor is another option, and while this may at first seem outside of your financial reach, if there are so many mothers in the same situation (and it certainly sounds like there are) why not join together and hire someone for a group of kids – look for a retired teacher or two looking for part-time work. Look up and support local NPOs who are working to resolve this problem. A great one that I found recently is 2Enable.org, who are looking at setting up free educational programs that can be accessed online, specifically with the aim of alleviating the current lack of good teachers in the country. Speak to local businesses and schools about joining together in initiatives to create new classrooms and sponsor more teachers. Raise awareness of the issue – speak to your local radio stations, newspapers, and magazines. Write to the relevant governmental departments. Protest. Call the government to task on this and on the general issue of how your tax money is being spent. Start a petition. Email them daily. When local and national elections come around, make sure you are in the voting queue. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people complain about the state of the roads/schools/healthcare and yet they chose not to vote when the time came. If you’re not happy with what the current government is doing, vote them out. Contact your Ward Councilor, explain the problem you’re having and brainstorm solutions. Call a meeting in your area. These are just a few ideas to get you going, but chat with your friends in the same situation and see what other ideas you can come up with. Share them here too and get this conversation going. Remember that complaining about an issue takes time and energy – the same time and energy can be spent in working towards solutions. There is a lovely quote by Lily Tomlin that is quite apt in this situation: “I said, ‘Somebody should do something about that’. Then I realized, I am somebody”.

November 10, 2014

The Mythical Day- Stay At Home Dad

I have read so many blog posts and articles lately about the life of stay at home mums that I actually began to wonder if stay at home dads exist. Do we fall into the category of mythical creatures such as the Abominable Snowman or the Loch Ness monster? Historically dads worked and mums looks after the kids. Woman now make up just under half of our workforce. This requires a relook at our “traditional roles” and from my perspective an honest review of which parent is better able to provide the traditional support provided by mums. I for one have taken note of the increased father activity with regard to kids during normal business hours. A couple months ago I had to take Tarini (my 3 year old daughter) to doctor at 11am in the morning. A huge smile crept up on my face when I noticed that there were five other parents there with their kids and all of the parents were dads! This week I had a morning meeting in a coffee shop and noticed about seven dads in the mall with their kids. So why is it that we never hear about these dads? Is it that there are only a few of us around like the famed Stradivarius violins? Something so rare and precious that their wives do not want share them with the rest of world? Or is it that the number of stay at home dads is on the rise and we are too embarrassed to mention our roles and that we just go about our day to day activities in a less vocal way than mums? There has also been an evolution from a stay at home dad to a work from home dad. I have personally been through this. After 13 years in corporate I decided to be a stay at home dad. My primary and only responsibility was attending to my kids (feeding and dressing them, school runs, extra mural activities, playing with them and teaching them) and seeing to the running of our home. I then decided to start my own business and this started my transformation from a stay at home dad to a work from home dad. And I think that most of the dads these days fall into the latter category. Being a work from home dad requires a few essential skills and these are some that I have acquired along the way: Be organised. Something as simple as a doctor’s visit or getting ready for school may require the military planning and precision needed for World War 3. The ability to multi-task (being able to have a business meeting, do the grocery shopping and pick up the kids from school and prepare a snack for them all within 2 hours) Have an endless supply of patience. You WILL pour and drink 30 cups of imaginary tea and build and knock down that wooden block tower at least 20 times. Be prepared for long working hours as you do not knock off at 5 and you also never leave the office. If you run your own business, you will be retreating to your second office after the kids go to sleep. You have to put your childrens needs above your own. That’s the main reason you decided to do it. You will find yourself reheating that cup of coffee for the sixth time before eventually drinking it cold. For me the advantages of being a work from home dad certainly outweigh the disadvantages. The disadvantages can pull you into a black hole that is very difficult to get out of. Feeling isolated from the outside world, having conversations about Princess Sophia and Jake the Neverland Pirate instead of sports and cars, never being able to have time off during the day even if you are sick and a routine at home that becomes so automated that you don’t even know which day of the week it is anymore. The advantages (and there are tons of them) make it all worthwhile. Being there to see your kids grow, learn and develop their individual personalities is an amazing thing. The added advantage of not being constricted to offices hours and managing your time accordingly can turn a good weather day into an unexpected adventure for the kids with a surprise outing to the park or story time at the local library. Being a work from home dad is hard work. Most of friends and family do not believe me when I say that I have not put my feet up and watched TV during the day since I started my new adventure almost 20 months ago. There are days when my wife gets home from work and I look as if I am about to burst into tears with CV in hand to apply for a job to get back into the corporate world. But being a work from home dad has given me precious time with my kids and is something I would not trade for the world.

November 10, 2014

Communicating with Teenagers: Sharing Life Experiences and ‘Mum Wisdom’ with Your Daughter

Ensuring that the lines of communication between you and your daughter are always open is one of the best ways to stay connected. Find out how sharing life experiences – with empathy and understanding – can be an important part of strengthening this relationship. It will also assist your daughter on her journey towards self-discovery and help improve her self-esteem. When it comes to growing up, the speed of change has never been faster than it is today and sometimes it can seem that there is a world of difference between your teenage experiences and the life of your teenage daughter. Just because you might be from the pre-digital age, however, doesn’t mean that there is a big difference between your life experiences. It’s the way that situations and discoveries make girls feel about themselves, how it affects their self-confidence, rather than specific details, that’s important. Often it’s the emotional upheavals of adolescence that are similar between mothers and daughters. The understanding that you have of your daughter’s experience is in effect ‘mum wisdom’. Sharing these common emotions and how you coped with them at your daughter’s age is a great way to help her build her own self-image and self-esteem as she gets older. It can be the foundation of a great line of communication between you and your daughter. Listening First, Solutions Second The key to effective communication is listening to any worries and difficulties that your daughter may be having and not leaping to judgments or immediately dispensing advice. Dove Self-Esteem Project Advisory Board member, Dr Christina Berton, urges any mum to “remember how different situations made you feel, and give plenty of space for listening. You want to stay connected, so you need to allow her to share her emotions with you, not feel that you are going to judge her as soon as she opens her mouth.” In order to show empathy you need to put yourself in her shoes and imagine how she is feeling. By doing this you will be creating a stronger bond between the two of you and make communicating in the future a lot easier because there is a mutual understanding of how the other feels (or has felt). Focus on your daughter when you’re sharing life experiences. Some mothers want to show that they understand what their daughters are going through by sharing some of their own life experiences. Dr Phillippa Diedrichs, research psychologist and body image expert, suggests that mums should open up about their own lives, but keep the overall focus of their conversation on their daughter’s teenage experiences, as this is likely to be most helpful. “To feel supported, your daughter needs to see that you are really listening to what she is saying and that you are really there for her,” she says. “Sharing a related story from your own experience of growing up can be helpful if the intention is to show your daughter that you’ve had similar feelings in the past.” Your Teenage Experiences Won’t Be Exactly The Same. “It’s important that mothers don’t expropriate their daughters’ experiences as it’s unlikely they have had exactly the same ones as their daughter,” Dr Terri Apter says. “You shouldn’t say you know exactly what it’s like – teenage girls want to feel unique. Also, for the mother, whatever happened was a long time ago; for the daughter, it’s raw, and it hurts.” What if she’s telling you something that is beyond what you have experienced? Dr Diedrichs points out that it’s important to engage using empathy. “The most important thing is to show that you’re listening to her and you are there for her to tell you whatever she needs to share,” she says. It’s important that your daughter knows that you’re not only interested in hearing about her own experiences and how these make her feel but, most importantly, that she can always rely on you to be there to work through anything. What Next: Action Steps to Help When Communicating with Your Daughter One way to encourage your daughter to feel that she can talk to you is by bringing up subjects from the news that touch on what teenagers are interested in. Remember to ask what she thinks before you tell her your views. If you are tempted to compare a particular experience of hers with one from your youth, ask her first if she would like to hear it. It’s great to be there for your daughter but you still need to act like a parent, not a friend. That means you can be supportive and loving, but your responses should reflect that you are her role model. It’s good to be familiar with social media but you don’t have to compete with her. To read more articles like this visit the Dove Self Esteem website: http://selfesteem.dove.co.za/

November 7, 2014

Helping Your Child Cope With Anxiety

Do you find that your kids become overly anxious around exam time? I love anxiety – in fact, I consider it to be a great friend – and I’d like to help you and your kids to love it too. You see, anxiety is a very specific kind of fear – fear of the future. And considering the future has not yet happened, it is a fear that we don’t know how to handle because there’s nothing we can do about something that hasn’t happened yet. What our minds are doing with anxiety is giving us a warning sign that we are thinking about something that we DON’T want to happen. Anxiety is like the little red flag to help us to focus on something more positive. Now most of us are thinking incessantly and on auto-pilot and we’re not often aware of what we’re thinking or even that we’re thinking at all. And yet our thoughts have a very direct and profound influence on how we feel. So our minds have this wonderful in-built system to help us to think about things that will flood our systems with positive, life-affirming chemicals rather than the rush of adrenaline that comes with fear. The trick here is to change the way that we view anxiety. If you can teach your kids that that “horrible” feeling is actually a trusted friend and to understand the language of this new friend, it will be a tool that will help them for life. Every time they feel that feeling it is a red flag telling them to go and take a look at their thoughts. What they’ll find is that they are imagining the worst – in their minds they are seeing themselves failing the exam or not being able to answer the questions or the teachers setting impossible tasks or something along those lines. Step one is to understand that the future has not yet happened. The only place that the future exists at this moment is in your own mind so you can imagine it to be good or bad – both are just thoughts in your head. You can’t possibly know what is going to happen or not happen, so you may as well imagine something good. What I get my clients to do is to actually imagine themselves flying above the timeline of their lives out into the future to just past the SUCCESSFUL outcome of the event they are worrying about. This is just a trick of the mind to focus on something positive and it works wonders with kids. Step two is to label your thoughts as just that – thoughts. Not truth, not fact, not inevitability. Just imagination. Kids can even label the part of their mind that thinks negatively – give it a name like “Moaning Minnie” or “Anxious Ant” and talk back to it with the positive side of the mind (which can also be given a name or character, like “Successful Susan” or “Positive Panther”). This helps kids to realize that there is always more than one way to look at a situation and looking at the negative side is just a habit that can be changed. Step three is to take damning statements and turn them into positive questions. So something like “I’m going to fail this exam” can become a question like “How can I definitely pass this exam?” Our minds respond very well to questions and tend to automatically seek out answers. So if we ask a positive question, we will find a positive solution. This also helps kids to define what they’re really worried about and take action on something specific rather than thinking in generalized negative statements. And the beginning point to all of this is the anxiety itself. Like a trusted friend, redirecting us to positivity and reminding us every time we stray from being in control of our own minds. Whenever I feel anxiety I first stop and thank my mind for keeping me on track to a wonderful, positive, relaxed and happy life. I hope you and your kids will too!

November 7, 2014

The Benefits Of Breastmilk For A Premature Baby

All babies will benefit tremendously from breastmilk. But, for a premature baby, these benefits are so much more important. No other nourishment can compare to breastmilk and your preemie will need all the nourishment he can get. Your breastmilk is tailor made for your baby and for this specific time. What this means is that the milk that you are producing right now is special ‘preemie milk’ formulated just for your premature baby. Preterm milk contains higher concentrations of fat, energy, protein, calcium, potassium, magnesium, sodium, chloride and iron. It is very different to the milk that a mother of a full term infant would be producing, No other milk can come close to what you are making and as your baby grows and develops, so your milk will change and develop too. Even though your baby may have come a little early, your body can and will continue to nurture and nourish him every step of the way. Whats in it? Immunoglobulins: Immunoglobulins are large protein molecules produced in the lymph tissue, these function as antibodies in the immune system. During the last trimester of pregnancy, immunoglobulins cross over the placenta and are stored by your baby. These are then used to protect a newborn against infections for up to 6 months following birth. Now while your prem baby may not benefit from this in utero, you can still provide him with immunoglobulins through breastmilk. Since premature babies are more susceptible to infections and disease, this is a very important benefit. Protein: Protein is vitally important for growth and development in your baby. Babies need protein in order to maintain, repair and make new cells. There are two types of proteins present in breastmilk – Casein (20-40%) and Whey (60-80%). The remarkable balance of these proteins is what makes breastmilk so easy to digest. This means that your baby is using less energy for digestion and is therefore able to use more energy for growth. Fat:Fat is an absolute necessity for your baby. Fats aid in brain development, absorption of fat-soluble vitamins and this is of course your baby’s primary source of calories. Long chain fatty acids are crucial for brain, retina and development of the nervous system. Carbohydrates:Lactose is the primary source of carbohydrate in human milk. Many make the mistake of assuming lactose is bad for the human body, when it is actually very important – especially for your preemie. Lactose helps to minimise the amount of unhealthy bacteria in the stomach which in turn improves the absorption of minerals such as calcium and magnesium. Lactose will also promote growth of healthy bacteria in your baby’s gut. Minerals: Sodium, potassium, calcium, magnesium, iron and zinc (to mention a few) are all present in breastmilk, the amazing thing is that breastmilk also contains facilitators for each of these minerals making absorption of minerals that much more efficient. Calcium: Builds strong bones, promotes healthy nerve and muscle function, helps blood clot, and helps the body convert food into energy. Iron: Important for healthy brain, cognitive and neurological development. Iron is also a key component of haemoglobin, a protein which helps red blood cells deliver oxygen from the lungs to tissues throughout the body. Magnesium:Keeps bones strong and the heart rhythm steady, supports the immune system, and helps maintain muscle and nerve function. Potassium: Works with sodium to control the body’s water balance, which helps maintain blood pressure. Assists with muscle function and heart rhythm and, in later years, may reduce the risk of kidney stones and osteoporosis. Zinc:Needed by more than 70 enzymes that aid digestion and metabolism, and essential for growth. In summary, breast milk is hugely beneficial for your preterm baby because of its unique protein structure, its ability to promote fat absorption, and its pattern of fatty acids that promote growth and development both physically and neurologically. Unlike any other milk. Some may argue that growth is slower for babies who are fed breastmilk than those who are fed artificial milk, however, this growth rate is generally extremely close to the rate that a child would continue to grow in utero. Now, while you are focusing on giving your baby the best of the best, you may not realise that you are doing exactly the same thing for yourself. Psychologically, moms who provide breastmilk for their babies feel more connected to them, bond better with them and feel more fulfilled in their role as a mother. You may not be unable to hold or even touch your baby for the time being, but you are still able to feed him. You are still able to provide him with the best possible nutrition, you are able to manufacture food for your child that no other human on earth can replicate. In this way, you are able to bond with your baby, in this way you are able to touch him and impact his life, in this way you are able to give him everything that he needs in this very moment. You are his mom and you are doing a fantastic job!

November 5, 2014

The Wonderful Journey Into Pregnancy – What a load of “beep”

I wouldn’t say I battled to fall pregnant but I didn’t exactly think it was easy. We went through the usual motions; I went off the pill in March and had a lot of fun “trying” over the next few months. In November, I had my routine annual check-up and my doctor gave me some blood work forms to be used if I wasn’t knocked up by March. The reason for this is because the WHO classifies you as infertile if you haven’t conceived in 12 months. TWELVE MONTHS?! I thought that to be a bit overdramatic! Nonetheless, I headed home with my forms and realized that this baby making business is just that, a business and a nasty one at that. I downloaded a Blackberry application that allowed me to input my cycle data and gave me an indication of my peak ovulation days. These days were highlighted green and became our guide to baby-making. It soon became a standing joke within our group friends that if we left a event early, they all claimed excitedly that it was a “green day”. In January, while at the GP for a strained ankle I found out that I was pregnant. Oh happy days! I immediately called my doctor and made an appointment for my very first scan, at 8 weeks. Unfortunately, I never got to keep that appointment as I miscarried at 7 weeks. There was no actual reason. It wasn’t anything I had done. Instead the baby had just stopped growing. I found out that more pregnancies end in miscarriage than I ever imagined, in fact some women don’t even know they are pregnant when they miscarry. It took me a week of tears, self-deprecation and chocolate, but I managed to pick myself back up. And so the baby-making adventure continued. It took two holidays, a resignation and a lot of beer but I was pregnant by the end of April and this time it stuck around. It all worked out in the end but it did take over a year to finally get everything going. And during that challenge I always found it extremely unfair that some of my close friends managed to have accidental pregnancies. Don’t get me wrong as I love those kiddies but I hated that nature made it so difficult for me to fall pregnant when I was trying so damn hard and my lovely friends just looked at their partners and conceived. I had an amazing pregnancy and birth in comparison to many people so maybe my troubles are in conception as opposed to having pregnancy quirks or nags. This fact is starting to ring true in the conception of number 2. In March of this year we made the decision to get cracking as our little girl was well out of her baby phase and well into toddler-hood. Add on 9 months and she would be the perfect big sister. This time round we started with the ovulation Blackberry app straight away and got to work. Each month, I religiously check dates, looked out for ovulation signs and went through the motions of making baby number two. It is now October and still nothing. This past week I bought an ovulation kit to determine if my “green days” really are optimal conception days and I failed all 5 tests that were in the kit. It would appear that my “green days” are complete fakes and that the past eight months have been for naught. I recently heard that the WHO considers you infertile if you aren’t pregnant after 6 months when you are trying for your second child. COME ON! I think it may be about time to dust those blood work forms off.

November 4, 2014

Furby Boom Takes Playtime To A New Level Of Learning And Fun

A global sensation following its 1998 debut, the FURBY brand has solidified its place in pop culture history. Prima Toys South Africa is proud to announce the follow up to the FURBY craze, the creature with a ‘mind of its own’ – FURBY BOOM. Once again revolutionising digitally-integrated play, surprising and delighting fans of all ages, FURBY BOOM is the state of the art progression that features all the ‘magic’ and personality of its predecessor with twice the content. The new FURBY BOOM combines physical and digital play for a fun type of entertainment experience including the ability to hatch digital FURBLING friends. The FURBY BOOM creature takes kids on a digital adventure via their mobile device as they raise, care for and play games with their playmate. As owners play with and care for their FURBY BOOM friend they will earn colorful virtual eggs that in time will each hatch and become a FURBLING virtual friend. Both owners and FURBY BOOM can feed, play, and interact with the virtual FURBLING creatures who speak both English and FURBISH. Most game play incorporates both physical and digital activity such as “Furball,” a soccer style game where the FURBY BOOM creature and the FURBLING virtual friend ‘kick’ a soccer ball back and forth on an onscreen ‘field.’ Fans will be able to collect over 50 eggs within the FURBY BOOM app by and eventually build a FURBY BOOM city. Eggs can be earned through game play within the app, exchanged among other FURBY BOOM owners, and a few surprises to be announced later in the year that will utilize QR codes. Through game play, FURBY BOOM owners can also earn FURBUCKS virtual currency which can be used to enhance their FURBY BOOM city. Using the new, free FURBY BOOM app owners can personalize, interact with, and care for their new furry friend. An interactive dashboard feature monitors the well being of your FURBY BOOM creature including its happiness, hunger, and cleanliness levels. Each app can monitor wellness levels for multiple creatures at one time! As owners engage with the app, their FURBY BOOM friend will react. If the dashboard indicates that it’s time for a cleaning, users can access the app’s shower feature and watch as FURBY BOOM physically reacts to the ‘temperature’ of the water! The FURBY BOOM creature also features an enhanced memory function that will allow it to remember the other FURBY BOOM friends it encounters. The personality of each FURBY BOOM is shaped by how you play with it, with the possibility of five brand new personalities to evolve. Owners can ‘get to know’ their new friend through all new LCD eye animations that express the ‘emotions’ of one of the new personalities of the FURBY BOOM creature. At launch FURBY BOOM will be available in six fashion forward pattern combinations including waves, stripes and zigzag designs. The free FURBY BOOM app will be available for download at the App Store and Google Play. The FURBY BOOM app is not required for FURBY BOOM play. FURBY BOOM requires four “AA” batteries, not included. FURBY BOOM is available at most major retailers nationwide at the recommended retail price of R1600.00

November 3, 2014

Matric Stress: Who Am I And Where Am I Going?

Late October marked the start of the 2014 National Senior Certificate Exams. With over 500 000 matriculants writing their final school exams, the next five weeks are a stressful time for them and their families. Part of the pressure of being a matriculant is being told by everyone ‘how important’ your matric exams are, while at the same time having to make major decisions around your future education and career. Many matriculants will enter a period of drastic transition after the exams, moving out of home to study or work, becoming responsible for their own well being, having to find work to support themselves and their studies. SACAP’s (South African College of Applied Psychology) Motivation Expert, Dr Yaseen Ally has worked with many teenagers and says: “There are recurring questions that come up when I work with matriculants no matter what their background or plans for the future are, the stress around the time of the final exams can be overwhelming.” These questions include: How do I learn to say no? How do I create balance? How do I effectively plan and manage my time? How do I better understand who I am and where I am going? What is my self-worth? How do I silence my inner critic? Why does peer pressure affect me? How do I make a decision that affects the rest of my life? Here Dr Ally shares advice on how to deal with some of these questions. For more advice on how to study and cope during this important life stage, visit www.sacap.edu.za : How do I learn to say NO? This is a very tricky skill to master and many people (including adults!) struggle with this. Most of us feel that saying “no” may be interpreted in a bad way by the person asking and are filled with guilt when we say “no”. Sometimes saying “yes’ can bring us great joy, as a key component to successful living is the ability to work well with other people. After all, we are social beings and do not live in isolation. In many instances though the inability to say “no” results in added pressure, more tasks, more stress and definitely a shift in the focus from your needs. Not being able to say “no” would mean that everything we do is based on what other people expect us to do. Learning to say “no” to requests that don’t meet your needs may result in you having more time for yourself, your studying, and things that are important to you. Evaluate what the request is and whom it is coming from. Ask yourself: do you have the time to do this? Saying ‘no’ doesn’t mean that you do not say ‘yes’ to those around you, but you also have to take your needs into account. How do I create balance? It is important to understand that ‘balance in life’ includes having fun! A balanced life includes time for work, studying, chores, friends, family, music, sport, recreation, holidays, time-out and very importantly – time for you! We are often so ‘busy’ that we fail to realise that we need to give our ‘self’ some attention. Working on a routine and a timetable enables better planning for the things that are most important to you. Dr Ally suggests making a list of everything you find important in life and then ask yourself how much of attention you are giving to these areas? Chances are, you may be placing too much attention on certain areas over others. Creating balance is about giving enough attention to all the important areas that make up who you are, even while you are going through your final exams! How do I effectively plan and manage my time? The answer to this question varies. Some people prefer to work with a diary, others a day-to-day planner and some thrive on being told what to do with their time. If you want to have control and power over your days and your time, find a way that will enable you to structure your days well. Especially during this time of intense exams – find ways of structuring your time well enough, so that you can study, eat, sleep, get some fresh air and time to socialise. Many students sit the whole day and then burn the midnight oil in an attempt to cram in as much information as possible. This is not an effective way to study. Your brain needs to rest otherwise it will not be able to process the information you are feeding it. Don’t use ‘resting my brain’ as an excuse to lounge around for hours. Take short breaks to get some fresh air, go for a short walk, eat something, and chat to a friend. As difficult as it may be to stick to a study timetable, create a weekly routine roster including study break activities… and then stick to it! How do I better understand who I am and where I am going? Matriculants are at the intersection of many paths that lead to many wonderful destinations. Choosing which way to go is not a simple task. In order to understand where you are going, you need to understand yourself. Matriculants are faced with difficult study and career decisions and ‘advice’ comes from everyone including parents, family, neighbours, teachers, siblings, and friends! Write a letter to yourself, explaining who you are, what you like and dislike and where you see yourself in a few years. Read this back aloud and ask yourself: does this sound like me? Remember; choose a study path that is in line with what you are passionate about as well as what you are good at. What is my self-worth? Self-worth is the value that we place on who we are. Comments, attitudes and expectations that others may have of us can affect the value we place on our abilities and ourselves. As learners faced with ‘the most important exams of their life’ an immense pressure

November 3, 2014

Making Mental Health Matter

Discovery Health and SADAG (South African Depression and Anxiety Group) are proud to announce they will be holding a one day workshop on ‘Making Mental Health Matter” facilitated by the world renowned CBT (cognitive behavioural therapist) expert Prof Stefan Hofmann in both Johannesburg (4 November) and Cape Town (6 November). We would like you to nominate a member of your staff, who you feel would benefit most from attending this one day media workshop with both international and local speakers will be discussing depression, social phobia, substance abuse, trauma/PTSD, phobias and suicide. As well as case studies sharing their own real-life stories. With International Guest Speaker, Prof Hofmann, a Professor at Boston University’s Clinical Programme, is coming to South Africa specifically to update press and media interested in mental health journalism about CBT. He is a world leading CBT specialist, with a interest in Social Phobia, Anxiety and Schizophrenia. He will be focusing on why psychological treatments, such as CBT, are so effective for anxiety and mood disorders? This is a rare opportunity for journalists to learn more about modern CBT, some of the areas he will discussing are: Why are psychological treatments, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, effective for anxiety and mood disorders? How can we translate knowledge from basic neuroscience into practical techniques? How can psychological treatments be made more culturally sensitive in order to enhance their efficacy, dissemination, and acceptability? Why is it important for your reporter to attend? Not a day goes by without reports of suicide, trauma – which leads to post-traumatic stress – and simply the galloping rate of depression in our country and worldwide. The effects of which are enormous and impact not only on business, but on families – on your readers, listeners and viewers. SADAG will provide you with info sheets, stats related to South Africa and lists of professionals and case studies to interview for your stories. For those coming to Johannesburg from ‘out of town’, all travel and accommodation will be paid for. Please come back to us as soon as possible as we need to confirm travel and accommodation details. This workshop will go a long way to arming these reporters with the skills and understanding of writing on complex mental health issues, as well as giving them invaluable local and overseas sources to utilize on an ongoing basis.

November 1, 2014

Help! My Kid is Calling Me by My First Name!

This is a common problem; your older child or teenager comes home one day and starts calling you by your first name and not mom or dad. It’s my guess that this starts when your child hears another child do the same to their parent. I was at soccer practice one day as a child and sitting on the sideline with a few friends. One boy’s mother walks up to him to take his sweat shirt from him and he responded with “Thanks Margaret.” At first I thought that was kind of weird and asked him why he called her that. He replied with “Because that’s her name.” I didn’t question it but thought about that for a while. When I got home after practice, I thought about calling my mother by her first name. I imagined saying to her “Bernadine, what’s for dinner?” Immediately however, I also imagined her yelling at me or even slapping me for doing that. I knew she would consider it as disrespect, so I quickly dismissed the thought and went about my business of being a kid. One of the main reasons that some kids might try this is because when adolescence begins (usually ages 9 – 13), they begin to separate themselves from their parents as parents. In past articles, I’ve explained that during this tough time for kids, they begin to see themselves as young adults and not young children. This normal transition for them has them dismissing the fact that they were once a young child and certainly, a baby. As they start to shed their “baby image”, they also start to shed their parents. That means their parent becomes annoying and embarrassing to them. In some cases, they even dread saying the word mommy or daddy. This is often where they change that to mom or dad, or even mother and father. In essence, they begin to develop an allergy to their parents and just being around the parent makes them feel uncomfortable. A child who calls his or her parent by their first name has simply found a new way to make that ‘shedding’ process easier. They may think, if I call my mother by her first name, then it doesn’t feel as if she’s my mother; she’s just a woman who lives with us and I can handle that. So as you see, they don’t mean it as disrespect, they are doing it to make life with you a little easier for them. If this happens to you, get to your child’s eye level and explain to them calmly and with unconditional love, that you’re not OK with them calling you by your first name and that if feels disrespectful. Tell them that your first name is reserved for adults such as friends, co-workers, neighbors and adult family members. Explain to them that you will ignore them if they continue. When they do go back to using your parental title, thank them for respecting you and your request.

October 31, 2014

Educating Your Child About Sex And Safety

You may feel uncomfortable and out of your depth discussing these topics, but it’s extremely important, as research shows that children who receive sex ed and learn about sexual boundaries and safety are less promiscuous and safer than their uneducated peers. It’s natural for children to be sexually curious, and if you don’t tell them, they’ll learn from someone else (often the wrong info)! Children who don’t understand sexual boundaries are far more likely to be sexually abused or molested. Child sex offenders often try to break personal boundaries, gain trust and normalise sexual activity between adults and children. If you’ve taught your children about personal boundaries, they’re more likely to pick up that what the adult is doing is wrong and disrupt the grooming process, reducing their risk of being sexually exploited. Knowledge is power – ignorance may be harmful! How do children learn about sex? Their sexual knowledge and behaviour is strongly influenced by their age, what they observe (including the sexual behaviours of family and friends) and what they are taught (including cultural and religious beliefs concerning sexuality and physical boundaries). As Heather Coleman, PhD said, “Young people do not wake up on their 13th birthday, transformed into a sexual being overnight. Even young children are sexual in some form.” So, how do you go about teaching your child? Firstly, respecting children’s personal boundaries teaches them how they should expect to be treated. Some parents or adults cross these boundaries without realising how unsafe and insecure it makes children feel. Obvious transgressions are telling children sexual jokes, showing them sexually explicit material, sharing personal sexual information, engaging in sexual activity in the presence of children or with children, touching future erogenous zones e.g. breasts, buttocks, penis, vulva. Less obvious: washing your child’s genitals when they’re old enough to wash their own, ignoring or disregarding the child’s right to privacy, opposite sex parents walking around naked when child is developing, undressing child in public, opposite sex parents sleeping in same bed as child, discussing child’s development with other people, telling child that sex or body parts and body functions are dirty, evil or nasty, making sexual comments about others in front of child and using poor judgment when taking child into a public toilet. What should we teach children, and when? Parents will have an idea of how much information their child should get by the questions they pose, as each child has different maturity levels. Don’t worry about giving too much info, as your child will ignore what they aren’t ready to hear. Here’s a general guideline: Grade 0-3 Grade 5-6 Grade 7 Simple answers to all questions about the body, private parts and bodily functions (using correct terms) Boys and girls are different and must treat each other with respect Simple explanation of how babies are made, grow in mother’s uterus and about the birth process Touching your own private parts is called masturbation. It can feel nice, but is only done in private. What to expect and how to cope with the changes of puberty (including menstruation and wet dreams) Basics of reproduction, pregnancy and childbirth Start talking about safer sex, i.e. abstinence, birth control, importance of using condoms, risks of sleeping around, sexually transmitted diseases/ HIV and pornography Children must learn that sex is meant to be an expression of love and that there’s no room for violence in a relationship. Boys must learn that gentleness isn’t a sign of weakness and girls must learn that it’s okay to be assertive and they’re allowed to say no! All children must learn that transactional sex is wrong and they must tell an adult what is happening. Discuss the difference between safe touches (which are comforting, pleasant and welcome) and unsafe touches (which are intrusive, uncomfortable, unwanted or painful). Explain that their body belongs to them and that it’s sexual abuse when someone touches their private parts or asks them to touch their private parts (even if it’s someone they know). Tell them that children have the right to say NO to being touched, even by grown-ups and that if an adult tells them to keep a secret they should say NO, and immediately tell an adult they trust. Discuss the difference between safe and unsafe secrets and who to tell when boundaries are crossed. Create “circles of safety” by drawing a small circle in the middle of a paper plate with your child’s name in it. Then draw another circle around that and write the people who they should tell if they’re feeling unsafe. Next draw an outer circle with other people or organisations your child may contact. Include phone numbers and addresses if necessary. This should help your child to feel safer, protected and secure (a bit like a cocoon). Create a password to be kept secret from everyone and used when necessary, e.g. if you’re delayed at work and have to ask someone else to collect your child from school or arrange for someone to babysit your child in your absence. The adult must be told the password and the child told to request the password before they go with the adult or let him/her into their home, even if they are known to the child. You must reiterate that if an adult tries to force them to go with them, they should remember the three important words: RUN, YELL and TELL.

October 30, 2014

When an Adult Child Behaves Badly

What happens if your 18-year-old or older child is behaving badly? What do you do then? This is a predicament that parents often ask me about and it’s probably one of the most frustrating situations that parents of older children have to deal with. Here are just some of the issues that parents have shared with me that frustrate them; coming in loud and late at night even though house rules were established, skipping classes or getting bad grades when you’re paying for their education, or living destructive lives with substance abuse or extreme risk-taking. During the adolescent years, your teenage child develops “an allergy” toward you because they are going through a phase in life in which they must reject the whole premise that they were once a dependent little child. And because you, the parent, are attached to that image they have of themselves of once being dependent on you, they in essence are rejecting you as well. This rejection may appear as them not liking you, being embarrassed by you, annoyed by you, or they think they know more than you do. It can (but doesn’t always) include yelling, arguing and verbally abusive treatment. There were many times when my teenage children would ask me to drop them off about a block away from the school so they wouldn’t feel embarrassed when their friends saw that they had a father. This period of adolescence that teens go through can actually last well into their early twenties, which adds an additional element to this problem; they become an adult. This means that not only are they “allergic” to you as their parent, but they are also likely to have the attitude that says, “I’m an adult and you can’t tell me what to do anymore.” My first suggestion to parents of adult children is that you can’t do much to control their lifestyle or their behavior. You had your chance with that and it’s now up to them to do that on their own. You also can’t control who they hang out with, where they go and how they spend their money. You can however, control how they cooperate at home and how they spend YOUR money. If you’re paying for their education and they are skipping classes or getting poor grades, perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate your original financial agreements. If you help support them financially and they’ve become irresponsible with their lifestyle, gotten involved with substance abuse or can’t keep a job, you may need to reconsider how you’re willing to help them. And if they still live with you and you had previously set up house rules, it may be time to set a date for them to move out and experience life on their own. It’s never easy watching an adult child mess up. Focus on what you can control and be sure to keep yourself and the rest of your family safe. Sometimes the best parents in the world have children who grow up and make bad decisions. Don’t take it personal and don’t be quick to rush in to rescue them. Even though my may have done the best job you could as a parent, it’s sometimes the consequences of their actions that speak to them the loudest.

October 28, 2014

The Slim Down On Dieting

Winter has come and gone and perhaps, like most people, you gained a few extra kilos over the past few months? Now all those layers of clothing must be shed and so must the extra weight. So what diet will it be this time?The fact of the matter is this: no matter which diet one chooses to follow, it will fail 98% of the time. Why diets don’t work The reason diets don’t work, no matter which one you contemplate, stems from the fact that diets are a short-term solution to a long-term problem. “Going on a diet” implies that sometime in the future you will be going off that diet. If the diet relies on willpower you will generally not do very well. And when you fail it is not uncommon to put yourself down, have self-esteem plummeting and your weight rising.Diets are also doomed to fail if they eliminate, or dramatically limit, a major macronutrient like carbohydrates or fats. Such diets are out of balance, and, sooner or later, our bodies begin craving the nutrients they have been denied. So what is the answer to this obesity epidemic that will allow us not only to lose weight but to lose it permanently? Insulin resistance The most significant reason diets fail is because they do not address the major underlying cause of weight gain, which is insulin resistance. What most people call cravings or emotional eating is really a carbohydrate addiction and the result of spiking blood sugar by eating high glycemic carbohydrates. These are foods that spike our blood sugar faster than spooning sugar on to our tongues. High-glycemic carbohydrates include common foods such as bread, cereals, chips, crackers, pretzels, potatoes, rice cakes, white rice, sugar and white flour. Eating these foods rapidly raises and over stimulates the release of insulin. Insulin’s primary job is to transport blood sugar into the cell where it is utilized to create energy, or to be stored as fat or glycogen. This process drives the blood sugar level back down just as fast as it went up; however, it generally drops back into a low blood sugar range or hypoglycemic range resulting in uncontrollable hunger, usually craving another high-glycemic meal or snack. The vicious cycle starts all over again leading to overeating and over time our cells become insulin resistant and just cannot utilize all the calories from our meals and snacks. Therefore, many calories are diverted to the fat cells of the abdomen where they are stored as fat. Reset your body With insulin resistance you cannot lose weight permanently no matter what you do and the only hope is to reset your body by developing a permanent healthy lifestyle that improves your insulin sensitivity. This lifestyle would consist of a healthy diet that does not spike blood sugar: a diet combining good low-glyemic carbohydrates, good fat and good proteins. It would include a modest consistent exercise program and a good supplement program. Without ever going hungry one can lose weight permanently and at the same time improve blood pressure and cholesterol levels and experience increased focus and energy. If you need guidance then consult a health practitioner who can put you on this path to health and vitality. Remaining overweight is clearly not the path to feeling fit and fabulous.

October 27, 2014

The Curse Of The Short Nap

I honestly do not know why we always tell moms: “Sleep when your baby sleeps”. I remember when my son was little; when he eventually fell asleep, that gave me enough time to race to the toilet, and hurriedly gulp down a cup of tea! I would mission off to my bedroom to “sleep because my baby is sleeping”, but it would take me ages to fall asleep, and then, when I finally managed to drift into a sweet slumber… he would wake up. All of this turmoil in only 45 minutes, only to start the cycle again!?!?! Sound familiar? Why is the 45 minute cycle the hallmark of a newborn’s sleep? 45 minutes is the sleep cycle for a newborn. Adults typically have a longer sleep cycle, stretching for approximately 90 minutes. At the end of each sleep cycle, a baby is in a very light sleep state and may even momentarily wake up before entering into a new cycle. This light sleep is where most of the problems arise. Interestingly enough, babies spend more time in REM sleep than adults – read more about it here. But what can we do to help our children sleep for longer? In order to encourage a longer nap you need to first ask yourself a very important question: Did my baby fall asleep in the same place she ended up? Most of the time the answer to this question is “no”. She fell asleep in my arms, and then I moved her to the crib. The tricky thing about this is that people don’t usually like to wake up somewhere different from the place they fell asleep. On some level our bodies know or sense the difference, therefore we wake up with a start, and this is often why babies cry! Here are a few tips for helping your child sleep longer: Make sure your baby is in the same place when she falls asleep as she is when she wakes up. This will help prevent her startle reflex, and ease the transition from one sleep cycle to the next. Let your baby is do most of the work of getting to sleep in the first place on her own. If you always feed her to sleep, then again, you can see why she may not like it when she gets to the end of the sleep cycle and there is no bottle or breast nearby. This will also cause a baby to wake up startled and then start crying. Play around with your baby’s awake time. Every baby has a window of opportunity for successful sleep. This means it’s a time when your child is already tired enough to be put down, but not overtired. Don’t forget that it is possible to put a baby down too early, which will mean that they won’t take a proper nap. If you have taken steps to encourage your baby to sleep soothe, and she is falling asleep in her crib, then congratulations because most of the battle has already been won. The good news is that with time and practice, he will have a much easier time getting from one sleep cycle to the next, and should start to sleep longer and longer for each nap over the course of two to three weeks.

October 27, 2014

Mommy Wars

Having been through the birth of a new baby three times, I can tell you that there have been few times in my life when I have been more insecure and second-guessed myself quite as much as when I was a new mom to James, Alex and Emily. I think I speak for most women when I say that making decisions on behalf of a precious life creates overwhelming anxiety at times. One of the reasons for the high level of anxiety is that as a new mom, we are pretty clueless as to how to care for our new baby. There are no courses that fully prepare you for looking after a baby and even if there were, every baby is different. So unlike most other tasks that you will perform in life, there is simply no way to skill-up ahead of time. Our response to this inexperience is often to try to assimilate as much knowledge and skill as possible in the crash course of parenting. And we do this by asking people’s opinions, seeking ‘expert advice’ and most often looking it up on the Internet – all of which leads to an inundation of conflicting advice. All this solicited and unsolicited advice creates immense confusion and often the net result is that a mom can no longer hear her inner voice or instinct. It is in this very vulnerable state that you will encounter very polarized and strong voices in the mommy market place. These strong voices are usually moms themselves who have raised a baby or 3, and who feel that their way is the only way. The volume of judgment leveled on other moms by these experienced mothersis unparalleled, except maybe in extreme religions. But for every strong proponent of a specific position is an equally strong voice for the opposition. And many an unsuspecting mother will find herself caught in the cross fire of a mommy war. Mommy wars are typically waged over issues such as method of childbirth, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, home-schooling, sleep training, working moms, feeding and vaccinations, but really the list can go on and on. It is the level of judgment that is crafted and guilt created that makes a new mom feel so vulnerable. These mommy wars serve no great purpose and are a very sad fact of parenting. One outcome of these mommy wars is that a new mom feels immense pressure to follow the advice and recommendations of the vigilante mom, for fear of being a ‘bad mommy’. This may mean that she either does not follow her instinct or does not act with her baby’s or her own interests at heart. When she has made a decision and acted already, she may be left with guilt, more anxiety and even depression. Many a mom who has given up breastfeeding or chosen the route of a caesarean section has been left with the scars of depression, feeling that they have made the wrong choice for their baby. So how do we begin to put an end to these battles that really serve no good purpose? Trust yourself It is incredibly important for new moms to start to trust their own mothering instinct again. Three steps to do this are: Read and attend seminars while you are pregnant, before the baby arrives. Take the information that resonates with you and start to form an idea of your style of parenting. Once your baby arrives only consult with a limited number of people who you know will confirm your style of parenting – be it attachment parenting, more routine or even a more modern hands off approach. It is my belief that most parenting styles, in the context of love can work well for your baby. Do not listen to or seek the advice of people who will undermine you. Trust your inner voice – weigh up your feelings on an issue with the science you have read and make your choice and be confident. Acknowledge others Once you have made your choice and know your inner voice, celebrate that but do not for a second think it is universal. Respect other people’s opinions and choices. Acknowledge that even when someone does something differently, it may be a better choice for that mom and her unique baby. Support You can wave the white flag on the battlefield. If you hear the insecure voice of a new mom at the next tea you are at, support her. Ask her what she thinks and reinforce her choices. Being a new mom is hard enough with out being targeted in a mommy war. Like any other war in the world, it takes a few voices to stand up and not fight – you will take the wind right out of the sails of the strong voices and that will deflate the fight. Meg’s NEW website, is a new community where Meg shares not only her parenting advice and articles but also interacts weekly with moms in her MeetUPs and through the Meg Faure LIVE channel. Meg’s facebook page Find Meg on twitter

October 24, 2014

Quit Smoking This Spring

Spring is such a wonderful time of new beginnings and lovely fresh foliage and sweet scented flowers. What better time to quit smoking so that you too can smell the roses. And what better incentive to give up smoking than knowing the positive effects that quitting will have on your health. Benefits of quitting Smokers often hide behind the argument that because they have smoked for such a long time, in health terms there is little to gain by stopping. Nothing could be further from the truth. The American cancer website lists several health benefits that may result from quitting, ranging from short-term to long-term. Here are a few of them: Within 20 minutes, your blood pressure readings will return to the level that they were before your last cigarette and the temperature of your hands and feet will return to normal. Within 8 hours, the carbon monoxide level in your blood will return to normal. Within 2 – 12 weeks, your vascular system and circulation will improve and your lung function will improve by 30%. Within 1 – 9 months, the small hair-like projections that grow on the inner surfaces of your lungs and respiratory tract that are responsible for clearing your lungs of mucous will regrow thus improving your ability to clear your lungs and cope with infections and toxins. One year later, your risk of a heart attack will decrease by 50%. Five to 15 years later, your risk of stroke will decrease to that of a non-smoker. Ten years later your risk of developing lung cancer will be 50% of that of a smoker. But what changes will you actually feel? Within a few days, you’ll probably begin to notice the slow return of your sense of smell and taste. You’ll breathe easier, and your smoker’s hack will begin to disappear, while your energy levels improve day by day as you gradually regain your vitality of days gone by. But best of all, you’ll be free from the mess, smell, inconvenience, expense and dependence of cigarette smoking. Quit smoking aids There are different options when it comes to things that could help you quit. Of course for me the prescription drugs such as Zyban and Chantix are an absolute no-no due to some potentially dangerous side-effects. Then there is the electronic cigarette that delivers nicotine to the user via a vapor that is inhaled into the lungs. These only qualify as a smoking alternative, not a quit aid. They do not cure the addiction or the habit. When we quit smoking, it is counter-productive to substitute a nicotine delivery device that looks, for all intents and purposes, just like the cigarettes we are working so hard to break free of. Furthermore the risks associated with electronic cigarettes are largely unknown at this point. They are largely untested and because they are not regulated, the amount of nicotine in them can vary, as well as other possibly harmful chemical ingredients. For this reason I cannot recommend them. The only quit smoking remedies I do recommend are herbal products, provided they are 100% natural and their safety has been confirmed. Find one that not only reduces nicotine cravings but also the symptoms of nicotine withdrawal which include stress, anxiety and irritability.

October 24, 2014

True Or False: You Cannot Breastfeed and Sleep well?

A big resounding FALSE! I recently spoke to 11 beautiful women about teaching their children how to sleep well and I was astounded by how many of them believed that they could not teach their children how to sleep well if they had chosen to breastfeed. Breastfeeding and Good Sleep are not mutually exclusive. You can be successful at both! Breastfeeding and Sleeping: A fresh perspective: You can breastfeed and teach your children good sleeping habits as well. Breastfeeding your baby to sleep ALL the time will make your baby rely on feeding to fall sleep, resulting in them waking up more frequently at night. A baby might be able to drop night feeds (healthily) from as early as between 10 and 12 weeks. Even if you breastfeed, it is advisable that you do not co-sleep with your baby as it increases your baby’s risk of SIDS. Breastfeeding in public is one of the most controversial subjects in our society: Recently Facebook has come under fire for removing photos of mothers’ breastfeeding their children, citing offensive content in violation of the Facebook Terms of Service. Facebook claimed that these photos violated their decency code by showing an exposed breast, even when the baby covered the nipple. This action was described as hypocritical, since Facebook took several days to respond to calls to deactivate a paid advertisement for a dating service that used a photo of a topless model. Dads can make or break breastfeeding: Studies show that the more supportive partners are, the longer the mother is likely to continue. Supplementing or TOP-UP feeding will not make your baby sleep better (insert gasp here!). The amount of lactose in breast milk is not affected by the mother’s diet. This means the mother cannot influence the amount of lactose in her milk by reducing or eliminating dairy foods When it comes to sleep, nutrition plays a vital role in your child’s sleep habits. It isimperative to provide adequate feeding to your baby.

October 23, 2014

Changing The Homework Blues Into A Success Story

I have recently been asked to give a talk to parents on how to survive and indeed avoid, the “Homework Blues”. Homework is often a time of stress and frustration in the home. As parents struggle to get their children to focus and complete the homework arguments can erupt, leaving both the parent and child feeling angry and frustrated. This puts a very negative strain on the parent-child relationship and removes the intended benefits of doing homework; which is one of the reasons some schools avoid giving homework to junior primary school children. The main purpose of homework in junior primary is to reinforce the learning that took place in school that day. Practice done soon after learning new material helps establish it in the long term memory. As children get older and have more skills, the role of homework changes to developing skills for working unassisted, developing thinking, planning and research skills. When homework is done with the parent, it allows other benefits to come into play. As a parent, you can see exactly where your child is struggling and where he is thriving. You can help develop good work skills and when you show your enthusiasm and pride in his achievements, you will be building a stronger love of learning. So we need to remove the stress from homework and allow the positives to come into play. Here are some tips to change the homework blues into a success story: As a parent, you do not have to teach your child the work; your primary job during homework is to reward, reinforce and develop a love of learning. If you do know how to help and can teach your child the correct way to do the task he has been given, that is wonderful. But remember that you teach best by letting the child do the thinking (you ask cleverly planned questions which he has to answer) and you do the praising. Praise good effort and good approach; do not only praise success. Develop a routine. It is best to do homework after a light lunch and before he goes out to play. When homework can only be done in the evening, do it before supper and not directly before bed-time; let him enjoy a relaxing bath after homework, before having supper. In this way, homework comes to be associated with a pleasant time directly after it and the stresses of thinking and working have dissipated before he goes to sleep. Your relationship with your child is more important than getting the homework done. This means: Keep your role as a “guide” a “facilitator” and give praise for good work, rather than criticism of poor work. Some children prefer you to sit with them while they work; some prefer to do it alone or the homework session becomes a fight-zone if you stay (even if they want you to stay). Both types of children can get praise and attention for work well done; both can be shown ways to improve the quality of their work. If your child does not want you to be near, or there is increased friction when you sit with him, go away and return after every few minutes to support him (approximately 5 minutes for young children, 10 minutes as they move into grade 3). The quality of your child’s work is not your responsibility. He must take responsibility for his work and then he can truly enjoy the sense of pride when he does well. Remind him that you are always proud when he does his best (this is not the same as saying that you want him to do well). If he is clearly in no mood to try to produce good work, you might need to remove yourself, saying that he should call you when he can show you better quality work. Then return and praise him. This is a way of using Behaviour Modification: you reward the behaviour you want and you withhold reward from unacceptable behaviour. On days when you can see it just cannot be done without trauma or excessive struggle, stop. Write a note to the teacher that you will try to catch up on another day. Set up a “homework station”. Make sure that his desk and chair are at a good work height for him. His feet should be able to rest on the floor and the desk should be at elbow height when he is sitting. If you have to use a large table or he has to sit on a high chair, use a small stool for him to rest his feet on (or a pile of telephone directories) and give him a firm cushion to sit on to correct his height. Keep a pencil case with his pencils, pencil grips, sharpeners, a ruler, an eraser etc. Keep this at or very near the homework station, so that he never has to begin homework by searching for the necessary equipment. Have an analogue clock available for checking time. This helps your child develop a sense of time and begin to learn to monitor their work speed. Many children struggle with time awareness; this is often a main cause for homework stretching out too long. Homework in the early grades should only take about 20 minutes per day; many children take a little longer; but no more than 30 minutes should be allocated in grades 1 and 2. Show your child how the clock is divided into 5 minute periods. Show him that the amount of time you would like to both be finished the work is four of those time periods. Show him how much of the work should therefore be done by the first 5 minute period. You might have to do this in the same detail for the first few weeks; thereafter, you will be able to look at 10 minute periods. Older children should begin with 15 minute periods. Have a glass of water available. People forget that

October 22, 2014

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