Advice Column - Parenting Hub

Advice from the experts

The “REAL” Before Baby Checklist

I strongly believe that nothing changes your views on parenting, quite like being a parent… I know every mom is different, but if it was up to me, I would have been given this checklist before “signing up” Are you okay with bodily fluids all over you, your house and even your car? On day two while Aidan was in NICU and the nurse was changing him is when I first experienced this. The moment she took the nappy off he somehow managed to get pooh ALL over, it even went through a cutout in his plastic crib and left a number one shaped pooh stain on the wall. At home he suffered from reflux and my dainty little spit up cloths were replaced with, cloth towels, blankets, buckets… Nothing ever stayed in him! Are you able to operate on two hours’ worth of sleep? Even when Aidan slept I was so paranoid I would just stare at him. So my nights were spent either being woken up by him crying or being woken up by him not crying. Are you fine with putting your heels into hibernation? I’m only now dusting of my stilettos (my son is 20 months old) because regardless of what the models/celebs and fashion blogging moms say, running on heels is MUCH easier than “mumming” on heels. Pushing a stroller, with a child on your hip (because he suddenly hates the stroller) while tittering on sky scraper heels is not for the faint hearted. If you are planning on breast feeding are you aware that at some point you will be wearing a thick jacket while the sun beats down on you, trying to act natural, because you are too embarrassed to strip down and reveal your milk stained blouse. I never understood just how important, breast pads are. They REALLY are! Are you okay with cold (at best lukewarm) food When they are tiny they seem to use the act of you sitting down to eat as their queue to cry to be picked up. It’s amazing really, and I for one don’t think you have lived until you have breastfed while eating a pie, like a boss. When they get older they want to taste your food or in the case of my picky eater just touch it and act repulsed. When they reach toddler stage you end up eating with one hand and mopping up spills with the other…very classy. Oh and when you go out to eat you can spot the mom’s by their eating style…The faster the ” act of shovelling of food into your mouth” the younger your kid…I remember having to tell myself to bite, chew, swallow, repeat. Are you aware that stepping on toys is a prerequisite? Whether it’s stepping on a loud squeaky toy the moment you finally get them to sleep or something sharp and hard like a Lego that makes you dance around in pain while trying not to use any “bad words” stepping on toys WILL HAPPEN. Unless you have a team of nannies or have the reflexes of cat woman that is. Are you ready to say goodbye to your home? Toys and baby stuff will overtake your house. Despite your best intentions you will not have a baby living with you, you will be living with a baby…don’t say I didn’t warn you. Are you okay with being judged about every little thing? Everyone has an opinion! Don’t hold him like that, don’t feed him like that, don’t do this, don’t do that, sleep with him close, but not that close, actually closer, nooooooo that’s too close. Now only eat fruit farmed by monks by the light of the moon to ensure he gets best in your milk for the next 3 years, you simply must feed for that long, any shorter or longer and we will call child protection services. Also I hope his pacifier is organic, they really shouldn’t have pacifiers though, but the one you don’t give him should still be organic. Would you like to be physically unable to walk into a shop to by something for yourself? You can buy stuff for yourself, just not without, a little something, just something small, tiny really for the baby. This one trumps all, it carries ten points Are you okay with waking up every day feeling so blessed you could burst. Are you fine with being loved and adored for just being you and with loving and adoring someone who you are responsible for. Also are you keen to watch someone grow and learn and to experience a world of firsts? I for one think I would be right where I am now with or without the questions…

February 10, 2015

Good Divorce Behaviour

Divorce is an all too common reality for many families in South Africa. It is often a painful journey with significant repercussions for all individuals involved, including children. It is not an easy decision for either partners regardless of their individual feelings and thoughts regarding the marriage. In all the turmoil and emotional upheaval that precedes and follows a divorce it is important to be cognisant of behaviour that will put children first. Below are a number of pointers that institute “good” divorce behaviour that is the least damaging for children undergoing an already difficult and painful transition in their lives. DO: Do tell children that the divorce is not their fault. Often children assume that their parents are not together because of something they did which was wrong or bad. Do get assistance from a psychologist if you need to. If a parent adjusts well to a divorce the child copes better as well. Get help if you are feeling stressed, if you can’t seem to overcome the anger, the hurt and the resentment. Divorce can sometimes be the beginning of a life you have wanted, but it is a long journey and there are often many issues that need to be resolved along the way. Getting assistance from a psychologist helps the healing process and may address other aspects if necessary such as what went wrong so the pattern isn’t repeated with new partners. Do try keep changes to a child’s environment as minimal as possible.Divorce is a transition in itself, so it is important to not make too many changes to what a child is used too. Children like routine and they need similarity especially in the context of a divorce. Try to keep residences and schools the same as well as other activities. In addition, make sure that contact with family members (regardless of how you may feel about them) and other caregivers, such as helpers remains the same as far as possible. Do allow your children to voice their thoughts and feelings, listen to them and acknowledge their feelings. Parents often feel guilty about the divorce and when a child voices a negative emotion such as sadness they minimize the child’s feelings (often as a means to try protect their child). Therefore, when a child states that they miss the other parent saying to them something like “don’t be sad because you’re going to see Mom/Dad this weekend…” doesn’t acknowledge feelings but tells a child to forget about them or minimize or deny their feelings). In this scenario it is better saying something like “I can see you are sad about not seeing Mom/Dad…” as children need to know that what they’re feeling is okay and that their parent understands and allows this. Do nurture yourself and try to get back on track to the definition of normality for you. Remember that separation and divorce is a traumatic experience, even for the person initiating the process. Your life will get back on track. However, it is a process and therefore be patient and kind to yourself. Don’t expect too much too soon, there will be some dire days but with time they usually diminish. Do make sure that your child has as much access to both parents as far as possible (if it is beneficial to the child and there are no legal restrictions such as supervised access etc.) Again the fact remains that regardless of whether the ex-spouses get on or not does not imply that the child cannot have a good relationship with the individual parent. The more love and solid relationships children have the better it is for them. If you are concerned about your ex-spouse consult with a psychologist. Parenting plans are also essential to establish ground rules important for the upbringing of the children. Be aware of the changeover time between the two homes. Going to or coming home from a parent’s home is usually difficult for the child. Children may then act out or behave badly which is often mistaken for bad parenting or no discipline at the ex-spouse’s home. Do not allow destructive behaviour to go undisciplined but allow children to vent via appropriate means. DO NOT: Do not fight with your ex-spouse in front of the children.If you are likely to lose your temper make sure it is never in front of a child. If communicating is difficult without getting into altercations try communicating telephonically when the child is elsewhere, or send e-mails etc. Treat the former marriage as a business partnership as it is your ‘business’ to bring up your children in a relationship that is healthy and beneficial to your greatest assets – your children. Be careful not to talk badly about your ex-spouse in front of the children. Always, always remember that continued conflict can be very destructive for children. Seek professional help from a psychologist who deals with divorce matters if you cannot break the pattern of conflict. Mediation and drawing up parenting plans are other useful means to resolve conflict. Do not put your child in the middle. Children should not be seen as the messengers or postmen delivering messages to and from Mom and Dad. Don’t interrogate your child about your ex-spouse.Let your child know that he/she can love all members of both families. Do not, ever ask your child to choose a parent.Asking a child to choose a parent is an impossible (and destructive) task. Children love both parents, regardless of any short-comings they may or not have. In addition, children need to feel free to love both parents equally without competition and without question. Do not assign fault to the divorce unless under exceptional circumstances. Some parents try score brownie points and present themselves as the innocent party. Whether one likes it or not, agrees with it or not, there are two people in a relationship. If one spouse wants to leave the marriage it doesn’t mean that they’re solely at fault, but the relationship between the two

February 9, 2015

Common Toddler Issues

Managing toddlers can be a huge effort at times, especially when the parent has to get something done or be somewhere. They have a mind of their own and it can drive parents crazy.Here are four classic toddler questions I get frequently and my suggestions on how to handle them. When a toddler refuses to put on her coat to go outside? Here are three options to consider in the moment that a power struggle flairs up: A.) Make putting on coats a fun activity because they love to have fun B.) Make the child “the boss” of making sure everyone’s coat is on and buttoned up. This will satisfy their need to be in charge C.) Give the child a choice. You could say to her “You can go out if you put your coat on, or we can stay inside instead.” If her response is to throw a fit about it, let the fit occur and ignore it. Finally, if it’s a situation in which the parent must go somewhere immediately, use A or B above and if they don’t work get a sitter to stay with the child or reschedule the appointment until you can get one. When a toddler tattles on another someone? My advice is to always listen quietly and get the child to focus on solutions to the problem that they can apply, if there are any. A parent must never scold or punish a child for tattling because they should always want their child to feel comfortable coming to them about any potential problem, real or perceived. Parents should also avoid rushing in to solve problems (unless your child’s safety and well being is at risk in that moment) or the child may not learn how to solve his own problems. The parent can go with the child to the situation and coach him in what to say or do to address the problem. For example, if your child is hit by another child and runs to tattle to you, you can ask the child to describe what happened and how it felt. Then coach him in knowing what to say to the other child, such as, “I won’t let anyone hit me, keep their hands to yourself!” When a toddler won’t get in her car seat. Toddlers don’t transition well, so the trick is in getting them to transition effectively. Assuming the child is not over tired or hungry, find a way to get her excited about getting in the car or getting her excited (from their perspective) about getting to the destination. Unfortunately, too many parents are usually stressed and rushed getting out of the house and the child can detect this. They then mirror it by refusing to cooperate. As I like to say, PEACEFUL PARENT, PEACEFUL CHILD. If the parent is successful at getting the child into the car, the child may begin kicking the seat. I suggest taking off her shoes and let them kick. Parents will also be more successful during these trying times if they speak less, manage their own anger, and avoid scolding or lecturing.

February 6, 2015

Peer Pressure

The powerful lure of peer pressure is synonymous with adolescence. The adolescent essentially has a need firstly to “belong” and secondly to individuate. What this means is that in order to belong and be accepted one has to ‘fit-in’ with peers and that is more or less wearing certain types of clothes, reading the same books, and generally doing what others are doing. The reasons for bowing into peer pressure vary, and can be for a variety of reasons such as fear, loneliness, depression, fitting in, avoiding embarrassment/humiliation, low self-worth and so forth. Therefore, the views and judgment of their peers is practically like oxygen for the adolescent’s survival. In addition, adolescents need to ‘separate’ from their parents, which often involves a stage of rebelliousness and a desire to be different to them. Therefore, the opinions and values of parents become less important to them whilst the views (including judgment and acceptance) of their peers becomes increasingly important. Peer pressure can be both subtle (when a teen says ‘I want those clothes because everybody has got them’ without any peer actually saying they must acquire those clothes) to blatant where teens are told directly to do something so as not to be a “bore” etc. In addition, peer pressure can be both positive and negative (for example, there may be a culture within certain peer groups that adolescents need to obtain good grades or participate in sport and they therefore feel motivated to achieve which is pressure that is generally positive). Of course, peer pressure is negative as it can heavily impact on issues such as drinking alcohol, sexual activity or promiscuity, substance abuse and other reckless and potentially dangerous behaviours. In addition, peer pressure can lead to criminal behaviour, as well as harmful and damaging behaviour towards others (in the case of the abuse of social media and technology, for example). How can parents help their teens? As always communication is key. Parents should discuss peer pressure with their children. They can help their teenagers by reminding them of their values and beliefs and the importance and merit of just “being themselves”. Parents can ask their child to write a list of the pros and cons of peer pressure. Parents will have ample opportunity to discuss peer pressure, as this does not always have to be directly about their teenager. (For instance, they can be watching a TV program where an incident of peer pressure occurs and this can be an opener for a discussion with their teen (..“what do you think about that”..; “what do you think he/she should have done?…” “why do you think he/she acted like that….”). Parents should encourage their adolescents to associate with like-minded peers. In addition, it is important that parents are good role models themselves. Adolescents need to be reminded that there is always a parent they can talk too, no matter how difficult the subject is. They also need to be encouraged to talk to a person they trust, such as an aunt or uncle. If you require a psychologist for your teenager in the Johannesburg area contact the Sandton Psychology Centre. The psychotherapy and assessment Centre has a variety of psychologists that work with adolescents by providing.

February 4, 2015

I Am Just So Tired

Sometimes I complain about motherhood and every time I do, somebody somewhere somehow gives me the same speech… Enjoy it before it’s over. Live in the now. It’s all worth it. EMBRACE IT. Believe me, I know all these things… I am just so damn tired. I am 36 weeks pregnant in the heat of summer, I have a toddler that still does not always sleep through the night and up until last week I had a full time job …I am just so tired. You lose a lot of things when you have kids, including your mind. (Yes, I know, you gain a lot too – like a new perspective and a bigger heart and tons cuts on your feet from stepping on LEGO pieces), but becoming a parent forces you to shed much of your old lifestyle to accommodate your new one. I used to sleep so much… I loved sleep… I could easily sleep till 1 pm in the afternoon if I wanted to. One of my favourite things when I used to go visit my parents was sleeping on the couch while my dad watched cricket, oh how I miss those beautiful sweet dreaming moments. Even just the ability to have a nap whenever you felt like it… do people even still do that? One of the earliest pieces of advice I got when I was pregnant the first time around was to catch up on sleep before Mikayla was born. It’s both incredibly good advice and terribly stupid advice. Stupid because there’s no way to “catch-up” on sleep before you lose it – you can’t bank sleep. And good because once you have a kid, as in DAY ONE, the amount of sleep you’ll get for the rest of your life begins to diminish and never stops. I’ve had a wonderful pregnancy so far. but I got a tummy bug about two/three weeks ago and it feels like my body just can’t recover. I am just so tired. I’m uncomfortable, I need to wake up at night to switch sides, and it’s hot… I can’t stop making lists in my head (did I get everything for the baby, is everything in the hospital bag, what’s on the menu for Christmas dinner, what am I going to do for Mikyala’s birthday party,did I skip anyone when I bought presents, etc.) Green Pepper the cat stopped sleeping on the bed with me because she is not nocturnal and needs some rest. Rhino (the male cat) gave up a long time ago and hates me because he can’t fit on my tummy anymore. I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night without getting up, I’m pretty sure it was about four years ago… I am just so tired. I wish I was a cat. The thought of talking to anybody and making conversation is overwhelming and my brain has died. Even blogging, my go-to therapeutic relief, has been tough. I haven’t had the time to read anything, and usually through reading, I am inspired to write. There’s a time each day when I think I might actually die from exhaustion, but then, like a beam of hope and light and truth, comes the Aero or Tex chocolate bar I hid in the back of the cupboard and I know I’ll make it through one more day… then I also remember that I will never lose the extra 20 kg’s I’ve got attached to my ass if I keep eating chocolates every day, but then I stop caring and I do it anyway because survival. As amazing as my husband is, no matter how many times he gets up for Mikayla at night – he can’t possibly understand. I bet some dads, my husband included, think they’ve been there. And I’m probably about to lose my whole 5% of male readers – but dads haven’t really been there. Not like us, not really. And the really crappy part about not getting enough sleep? It makes us feel fat. And cranky. And emotional. All of this leads us to feeling like we aren’t able to be good moms because we feel FAT and CRANKY and EMOTIONAL – and that’s not us. We are fabulous and amazing. What is this sorcery? Most people would just tell you to take a nap and sleep when the kids are sleeping and blah blah blah. We’ve all heard that before. First off, Mikayla does not nap, ever. If she does…. Hell hath no fury. It’s better to keep her awake until bedtime – for everyone’s safety and sanity. Secondly, since she was born, I have lost my ability to nap, I just can’t do it. I’d much rather watch series that I can’t watch with kids around or that my hubby can’t stand, or blog because I can finally hear my own thoughts, or try finish the book I started reading almost three years ago or maybe fold some laundry, or just chat on the phone without sounding like a crazy and being interrupted the whole time.. Or maybe plot my revenge towards Cole who always complains about how tired he is – even though I wake up at night from his snoring. I hate it when he sleeps. I am trying to hold on to the thought that all things shall pass… but then again – you might get a week here or a week there – but pretty soon someone will get sick, or develop a fear of the dark, or start having nightmares. After that they’ll be teenagers, and you can’t sleep until they get home because you were a little shit when you were that age and you know what they might be up to. After that they will be in college and who even knows what kind of terrible things could be happening to them all night long. After that comes menopause, and I hear that you never sleep again anyway. When you get very old you have to wake up before sunrise, I am not sure why… I know I did this to myself, I wouldn’t have it any other way, but right now… I am just so tired. So

February 3, 2015

Six Parenting Resolutions

Refrain from using a loud voice Children learn how to communicate by the models the adult caregivers set for them. As often as possible, when you need your child’s attention or cooperation, go to the child and speak in a calm and respectful tone at the child’s eye level. The more often you do this, the more likely you are to create peace and calmness in your home and your children will do the same. Use the word COOPERATION often When you need your child to comply, initiate it by announcing, “I need your cooperation.” When they follow through, thank them for cooperating with you. When they need you do something for them, confirm their request by saying, “Oh… you need my cooperation. I’d love to cooperate with you.” Use that word in association with requests from other adults in the house so the kids will see it often. Let go and avoid controlling the outcome all the time We’re constantly trying to get so much done in so little time and on schedule. When our child moves too slow or doesn’t put a piece of clothing on correctly, it annoys us and we take over to have things according to our desire. Once a day, let something your child does be the way she did it. Avoid correcting them, re-doing something, taking over for them, or arranging all the outcomes. Celebrate moments of independence You’re getting ready to leave the house and you noticed that she buttoned her own jacket but the buttons are misaligned. Or she put her top on by herself but it’s inside out. For just once, avoid correcting the situation. Don’t re-button her jacket or adjust her top. Instead, make a big deal of what she did on her own. You can adjust things later but for the moment, celebrate her self-sufficiency. Commit to coach and not own homework The kids are back in school this week so it’s a good time for making a commitment not to own their homework when it comes home. Establish boundaries around them doing their homework, including bedtimes, healthy eating and limits on entertainment electronics. Don’t hover, be available to them for help with homework and provide them with the right supplies, lighting and space to do it. Avoid doing it for them and avoid always correcting it before they take it to school. Mistakes are for learning! Stay calm when your child begins to argue When our older children become persistent in trying to convince us of something, we can easily get pulled into an emotional debate. Teens who feel they can approach their parent about anything and know they are being heard consider their relationship with the parent stronger. Commit to not getting angry in these moments and be there 100%. If your teen has made a good case, give in once in a while. If you’ve had enough of the bantering, end it calmly and walk away. Know that it’s normal behavior.

February 2, 2015

Hurt Children

What has always interested me most about bullying is who is bullying the bully? Bullying is never just a cut and dried case of this child here is the bully and that child there is the victim. In fact, it is very much a group dynamic. In 90% of cases of bullying you will find other children either standing by and not doing anything to help the ‘victim’ or actively participating in the bullying along with the ‘ringleader’ of the problem. And in almost all cases you will find that the one leading the bullying has also been bullied, either at school by other kids at a different time, or by a parent or teacher or other adult in their lives. Hurt children hurt children. Because this is a group dynamic and involves so many levels of victimhood, it is best dealt with as a group. One of the best examples that I have seen of this working effectively was a documentary I watched on a Japanese school teacher. In every case of bullying he halted all his lessons and brought in a group intervention. Every child in the class was expected to participate and they focused on how each one was feeling. He looked at how the victim felt having been bullied, how those watching or participating felt, how the bully felt about doing the bullying and about hearing how the victim felt. He got the bullies to think back to a time when they had been treated like the victim and how they felt then. He got the kids to dig really deep about what was going on and the causes for their own behaviour. He got the group to find group cohesion again – to find unity as a class so that no-one was an outsider worthy of being treated differently. He helped them to find that place where we are all human and we all share a common humanity through the way that we feel. Hurt children hurt children. When their pain is heard and acknowledged it is more likely to heal. It was moving to watch and reminded me of a similar intervention process that was introduced years ago to Australian prisons. In this case the criminals and their victims (or families of the victims in the case where the victim had been killed) met for mediated sessions where the victims could explain to the criminals how their actions had affected them and in all the ways that their lives had been upset; the emotional and physical and financial implications etc. And the criminals were given the opportunity to give their side of the story – what their life had been like to bring them to the point of that crime. It was incredible to see the level of healing and the amazing results the prison system had with reducing recidivism. Hurt people hurt people. If we can get behind the hurt, then instead of just punishing the offenders and consoling the victims, we can start a dialogue of change and reconciliation. We may even find victims comforting the bullies. It has been known to happen. Is this not a more healing and ultimately more sustainable solution to this very human problem? Hurt children (and adults) hurt because they don’t have the skills or understanding to work through their own pain and past experiences. What they need is guidance, from someone who has the relevant skills, the patience and the understanding to see the situation from a greater perspective. Bullies and victims don’t need to be removed from each other, but brought together. With love and guidance. Without such intervention we create yet another cycle of pain. The chances of a victim becoming a bully in another situation or time are high. Hurt children hurt children. I would like to see teachers and support staff trained in mediation and this becoming a standard part of school life. I think every class could halt their lessons of maths, language and sciences to take a day here and there to teach these essential life skills. We need to remind our children about the power of their shared humanity. I’m sure we can turn this around. I’m also sure that healed children will heal children.

January 30, 2015

Forms Of Discipline

One of the biggest rules in parenting, a cardinal rule that must be taken into account at all times is: there is a distinct line between discipline and punishment. On the one hand, there is the behavioural modification approach that allows parents and caregivers to teach children about right and wrong, and how to abide to the rules. It revises negative behaviour and rewards the positive. It is concerned with correcting unacceptable behaviour, which teaches children that there are rules to abide by to function in society. On the other hand, however, there are punitive and humiliating forms of punishment that people inflict onto their children. Consequently, it can do untold damage to the child. Types of punishment include: Corporal punishment – a physical action that hurts a child in any way in the name of punishment. This includes slapping, pinching, pushing, deprivation of food, forcing of hot foods, excessive salt, cooking materials, cleaning materials, and or binding children or forcing them to sit or stand for long periods. Emotional punishment – this is an action that is done to deliberately cause distress to the child. Examples of this include a teacher calling on the class to ridicule a student, making threats, humiliating someone, shutting a child in a dark cupboard and refusal to communicate with a child for an extended period. Intellectual punishment – this is a difficult form to characterise but mostly consists of an adult forcing a child to agree with a statement they do not accept as true, or forcing a child to do things they are not ready to or capable of doing. None of these forms of punishment are considered acceptable. Studies and research have shown that children can be damaged physically such as damage to the brain during being shaken or by repeated blows. It opens the door to physical abuse because a child may come to expect such actions. It also damages development, both socially and cognitively. Childline South Africa offers various alternatives to physical, emotional or intellectual punishment, each of which has been researched and shown to promote healthy moral development of children. Reward positive behaviour. Lead by example and practice what you preach. Be realistic about what is thought to be bad behaviour and what is considered normal development. Avoid threatening or shouting. Children are wily, and they understand more than we give them credit for. They will learn you don’t mean the threats. Use ‘good’ words to describe children so that they have a clear distinction when you are explaining bad actions. Negotiate a compromise. Children learn by doing. Set boundaries and encourage children to respect them. Remember that there is a need for rules and limits, and it doesn’t make you a bad parent to teach your child those rules. Be firm, but be responsible to your child as well. If you hit him or her for doing something wrong, what’s to stop them from hitting others? They learn from us; it is our job to teach the right lessons. Sources: Childline SA

January 29, 2015

Toddler Troubles And Concerns

There are a variety of common toddler difficulties that child psychologists at Sandton Psychology Centre can assist with. Please be aware that some difficulties mentioned under these headings occur in all children and should only be an area of concern if these behaviours are excessive and “more than usual”: Unwarranted tantrums which seem to get out of hand and where the child takes longer than usual to settle down. The child may also hurt himself/herself by banging their head against a wall, biting themselves and so forth. Separation anxiety whereby toddlers have extreme anxiety about separating from a caregiver and don’t settle down well once separated. Excessively fearful or frightened whereby a toddler may seem to have a specific phobia, such as being terrified of something specific such as dogs. Aggressive behaviour or conduct that is uncontrollable, whereby a toddler fights excessively, and physically hurts others by scratching, hitting, pulling hair, throwing objects etc. Sleep difficulties. Excessive crying and seems unhappy most of the time or whines a great deal. Significant ‘battles’ with parents and behaviour that is oppositional. Elimination difficulties, whereby a child refuses to start going to the toilet, “holds everything in” etc. Eating difficulties, such as refusing to eat and needing caregivers to feed them. If you are concerned with your toddlers behaviour, please be sure to discuss it with your healthcare professional.

January 28, 2015

Bonding And Not Bonding With Your Newborn… Why It Will Be Okay

When I was pregnant with Mikayla Rose, I often compared it to hell (I know, I am a great mom). I had a terrible experience… It started with severe nausea and vomiting (Hyperemesis Gravidarum) that lasted all day and all night for the entire duration of my pregnancy and it only got worse when my gynecologist at the time convinced me that there was no way that I would carry full term and that I would most probably suffer a miscarriage. I also apparently had very little amniotic fluid surrounding the baby. Subconsciously this resulted in me ‘disconnecting’ myself from my pregnancy and baby to some extent. It was stressful and I was depressed – I cried every single time we left the gynecologist’s office. This fear of miscarriage carried on up until about six months – waiting for the supposedly inevitable the whole time. My husband and I never shared this with anyone, it was confusing and private – and we still had hope. We eventually decided to make an appointment at the Fetal Assessment Center in Cape Town to get a second professional opinion – the result? Baby is perfectly fine and normal, a little bit on the small side, but absolutely nothing to be alarmed about. That gynea pretty much ruined my pregnancy… Anyway…, we decided to rather go back to my hometown to have my family doctor deliver Mikayla – we carried a full term and the only reason for the emergency cesarean was that there were very high ketone levels in my urine and my constant vomiting was denying my body and my baby the nutrition we needed. Everyone talks about that moment when they first lay eyes on their babies, when they felt this huge rush of love, when they knew they would give their life for this child in an instant, when their life hits this pinnacle of pinnacles. My moment wasn’t exactly like that, and it took me a while to realize that it was fine (and normal) too. Mikayla weighed 2.9kg at birth and when I first saw her I felt joy, relief, and even awe… deep, huge awe that this was a real baby – that this was my baby and I was her mother. Here she was, little grasping hands and pouty lips. Suddenly this abstract idea in my belly had turned into a real little person. I knew I loved her and that she was beautiful and perfect, but something was missing. I was so heavily medicated at the time that I wrote this strange feeling off and left it at that. I felt like a bride at an arranged marriage. I knew that the baby in my arms would be hugely important in the rest of my life, but right now, we had just met. I couldn’t stop staring at her over the next few days – not because I loved her, yet, but because I wanted to get to know her so badly. I was at home with Mikayla for about a month when I realized that I had Postnatal Depression, it was impossible to ignore it… and maybe that contributed to the lack of a bond I was feeling towards my child. Mikayla had colic, and I really struggled to breastfeed – no matter how hard I tried I just never had enough milk. This didn’t help at all, I felt like such a failure. I went to the doctor and was put on medication for the depression. It helped in some ways, but the bond was still missing… After two months I felt like I would lose my mind if I stayed at home any longer, so I started my new job – worst mistake ever. Not only was I not ready emotionally, but physically as well. I missed a lot of days at work due to either being sick or having really bad depression. After six months I resigned and started working at a different company doing kids clothing. I was doing really well and it lifted my spirits for a short while, but I still did not have my bond with my daughter. It took some serious soul searching and long, deep contemplation for me to finally realize that this was my baby, my little girl, she did not die, she made it… we made it and she is here and I don’t have to worry about losing her. I actually only realized that I didn’t fall in love-at-first-sight with my baby about a year later, when I was feeling that kind of love that made my heart feel like it might burst. I finally felt the bond between us starting to grow. I could feel the roots of this love and unbreakable bond working their way into me as I kissed her padded cheeks and watched her while she slept. By the age of two it was undeniable and got stronger every day… now at the age of almost four, she is my life… my everything, my existence. I have never felt a deeper love or a stronger bond than I do with my daughter. I think the insane after-pregnancy hormone cocktail actually made the love I was supposed to feel for my daughter attach itself to my husband. I had never loved him more intensely than in those first days when we came home from the hospital as a family, as I watched him hold our sleeping daughter on his chest, as I watched him, too, fall gradually in love with our child. In retrospect it is clear that hitting the “pinnacle of pinnacles” after the birth of your child is actually really hard for some moms. Whether you have experienced a surgical birth or a non-surgical birth – your body has just experienced a trauma. I know everyone insists childbirth is “the most natural thing in the world”, but guess what? It can also be incredibly disarming and scary, especially if you are on an operating table, awake, while someone is pulling a human from your body – I’ve heard having one emerge from your vagina is also not the most relaxing thing in the world. So don’t worry, rest assured in knowing that the day will come where you love your child so much it hurts. You are NOT a bad mom, you are human. You are

January 27, 2015

Emotional Intelligence In Childhood

In a nutshell, emotional intelligence is the ability to recognise, understand and control one’s thoughts and feelings. In addition, emotional intelligence refers to the ability to communicate feelings in an appropriate manner and to have the ability to empathise with the feelings of others, thereby interacting with others on an emotional level. When children and adolescents (and adults for that matter!) have high levels of emotional intelligence they will: Have a good self-concept as they will really know themselves; They will have a good understanding of their feelings, so they will be able to deal with for example, patterns of thinking which may not be constructive; Be more resilient to setbacks; Have a good ability to problem solve; and they will have the ability to be self-motivated, and thus find it easy to set goals for themselves, problem solve and deal with conflict effectively.

January 26, 2015

The Functional Family

One often hears the term “dysfunctional” when talking about families. Most people would know that it means that things are not working as they should. However, little is said about what constitutes a functional family. In a nutshell a functional family is one that works well. This does not mean to imply that there are no bad times or disagreements. (There are, but they just get sorted out and resolved in a manner that is healthy and constructive). The following are some characteristics that make up a functional family: Feelings are communicated and that especially includes negative feelings which are characteristically more difficult to express, such as anger, disappointment and sadness. In addition, members of the functional family feel ‘safe’ to convey feelings which are communicatedinanappropriate manner and are acknowledged by the other family members. The needs of each member of the family are met from the basic needs such as food, medical care, education and so forth to the needs of belonging and feeling nurtured and loved. Re-occurring difficulties that arise within the family unit get resolved and therefore dysfunctional patterns don’t become entrenched. Each member of the family unit gets to separate and individuate from other family members and they therefore do not become enmeshed and are their own people. In addition, individual feelings and needs are respected, however within the appropriate limitations and boundaries. There are clear boundaries, however they are not too rigid and there is room for flexibility. Members are able to recognize when there are difficulties and are able to ask for help. Furthermore, individual members take responsibility for their own actions and do not blame other family members. Communication is open in that family members speak directly to each other as opposed to gossiping and using other individuals as ‘messengers’. The parents in a functional family: Love their children unconditionally; Have their own support system (friends, family and colleagues) with whom they can share their lives and do not burden their children with solving their problems or being the “parent” in the family; Nurture themselves and their own relationships so that children have good role models for a relationship that is healthy; Listen to their children, but do not lecture them or try control them or their lives; Give their children space to grow and make mistakes without over- protecting their children from experiencing life’s difficulties and thus enabling them to grow into independent adults.

January 20, 2015

Help Your Child Make Friends

The problem: Your child comes home from school at the end of each day, quiet and seemingly upset. He appears to be lonely, and you are saddened by this. Your heart breaks because all you want for your child is for him to be happy. It’s a pickle, because on the one hand, your child doesn’t seem to want to play with others. He watches people, but when he is approached, he shies away. On the other hand, even though he seems to not want friends, he is feeling lonely and becoming increasingly moody. One of the problems most parents face is that you cannot make friends for your child. You cannot force any of the other children to like your child, and you can’t be on the playground with him. The core: Friendship in the foundation years is vitally important for a child’s development. The way your son or daughter gets along with people plays a huge role in future development. The playground is the place where the majority of learning occurs, for example spatial (learning distance and depth perception) cognitive (skills learned during games and play groups) and the socialisation skills where they learn basic social rules as well as how to interact with people. It is also the place where they learn empathy, problem-solving skills and negotiation skills. The truth is, not having friends on the playground can seriously affect children, and often results in attention seeking behavior, tattle-tailing on their peers to seek favour with adults, and some even resorting to giving gifts to their peers right out of mommy’s cupboard. It also strongly affects your child’s self-esteem and sense of self. The solution: As adults, we remember how unkind the playground can be. The first solution is to remember that your child’s first friend in life is you. Play with him, make sure he knows how important this is, and learn to laugh with your child. Secondly, work on your child’s confidence. Encourage free speech but teach them about limitations. The most popular children on the playground are often the most confident and outspoken. You can also improve your child’s social skills but hosting a party at your house. Bring other children into your child’s territory so that they can feel comfortable in his space. This will increase your child’s ability to be comfortable in other children’s spaces. Most importantly, make sure your child knows that he is a person who people will want to spend time with. Encourage your child in a way that their self-esteem piques, and encourage non-competitive activity (not piggy in the middle, as this can foster feelings of being ganged up on or left out).

January 16, 2015

Homework Tips

Homework time can be a trying time for both children and parents. In order to make it a smooth process and pave the way for good habits in the child’s school career, child psychologists at the Sandton Psychology Centre offer the following tips: It is helpful to have a specific time in which to do homework, (for example, after lunch or after lunch and a short play period) if your child comes home directly from school. It is a much more trickier situation when a child stays in aftercare after school. Some aftercares are structured whereby children are closely monitored with regard to homework. However, at times children are left to take responsibility for their homework and they may therefore have a choice as to how they spend their time in aftercare. Parents should meet with the aftercare teachers and get a clear understanding of what the aftercare’s homework policy is, how much assistance the child receives etc. It is best to make sure that, as a parent, your expectations and needs can be met by the aftercare centre. If a child is in aftercare, the homework time at home can be rushed and stressful. A wide amount of things have to happen within a time frame of 3 – 4 hours such as parents preparing supper, eating, bathing etc. which fills this short time with stress and much rushing about. It would be important to find a short time to revise homework, for example, in the early grades it is vital that children read to parents/caregiver and practice spelling which requires parental involvement. For older children a period of time where parents can go over and check that homework has been completed is important. For a child to be doing all their homework in this period is problematic and unsustainable. Make sure that the duration of homework is reasonable. Check with your child’s teacher as they will be able to tell you how much time a child in that grade is expected to spend on homework. Generally, children shouldn’t spend significantly less or more time (in comparison to peers in their grade) completing homework. Try to make sure that homework occurs in a quiet place. If possible, it is a good idea for a child to have their own space with their own desk, and all that they may need close by. For older children, one would have to establish rules about cell phone use, text messaging, and access to internet etc. within the homework time frame. Make sure that the household has due reverence and respect for homework time. Younger siblings, for example shouldn’t be allowed to make too much noise, watch television, and generally be allowed to distract the older sibling. It can be helpful to introduce younger siblings to their own ‘homework time’ such as colouring-in and drawing etc. at the same time that their older sibling is completing their homework. Parents should be involved in the homework, however for guidance only. Parents should not do the child’s homework for them. Think about it, what are you actually teaching your child if you do his/her homework? (To rely or depend on others? That they don’t have the ability to do the tasks themselves? That you don’t trust them to do it well or correctly?). In addition, if parents do their children’s homework they are not learning important coping resources such as perseverance, responsibility and ability to ask for help when necessary. Educational Psychologists suggest that homework time can be a good time for parents to gain valuable insight into how their child copes with school work, for example, do they stick to the task at hand, or are they easily distracted, do they persevere or give up easily and if they have more serious difficulties. Parents should be alert when a child wants to constantly avoid homework, gets easily frustrated, doesn’t understand the homework or cries over homework, as this may be indicative of possible underlying difficulties. If any difficulties are noted it is wise to sort out the difficulties as soon as possible and to involve the necessary professional such as an Educational Psychologist who can conduct a thorough educational assessment which will evaluate whether there are any difficulties or vulnerabilities and how to remediate them. In order to keep children motivated regarding homework, parents should be encouraging. Often children only get praised when they have achieved something tangible (“Wow, you got 20 out of 20 for your spelling test”). Encouragement is important because it doesn’t necessarily focus on the end result, it also addresses the middle part or the ‘doing part’ such as “I like how you are concentrating/staying focused”…. “I like how you’re taking your homework time seriously” “I like how you keep trying…..”. If parents just focus on the end result it can become discouraging for a child, who can easily become de-motivated.

January 14, 2015

The Artificial Road To A Miracle Baby – An Inspiring Journey

I heard about Kerry and Michelle’s story through a mutual friend. Something about their story broke my heart and warmed it at the same time. I think sometimes we take for granted how easy the road to pregnancy for some of us are, without sparing a thought for those around us who might not be so lucky. Kerry and Michelle are a wonderful couple from Cape Town going through a journey of a lifetime and I hope we can all spare them a thought and send amazing positive vibes their way. I find their strength and positivity so inspiring. This is their story as told by Kerry… In September 2013 we decided that we would start trying for our first baby. We got started right away deciding that Kerry would be the one to carry the baby and we would find an anonymous donor at the Cape Fertility Clinic. We started off with saving for the procedure and taking all of the required vitamins, healthy dieting and no drinking or smoking to get Kerry’s body in tip top shape. We managed to get our first appointment with Dr Heylen at the Cape Fertility Clinic in late January 2014 after being bumped up the waiting list. The initial check up was perfect and we were all set for our first Artificial Insemination (AI) in early February. Unfortunately for the first time in her life, probably due to a lot of stress (we had a car accident that week), Kerry did not ovulate and the procedure was cancelled. We started on Clomid which could only be found at Wynberg Pharmacy. It made Kerry very moody and caused terrible hot flushes- we were optimistic that all would go well the second time around. After four failed inseminations – all with two to three beautiful follicles and a perfect uterus lining, Dr Heylenwas not happy and suggested surgery to see what was happening… The surgery (Laparoscopy & Hysteroscopy) was scheduled at Kingsbury Hospital in June 2014. Dr Heylen is one of the very best fertility surgeons in Cape Town and he assured us that any problems he found, he would be able to fix and we would have our baby. He made us feel very confident… Unfortunately we found that Kerry’s Fallopian tubes were completely closed at the base. It was very likely that she was born with this, as there was no damage at all. This is something neither Dr Heylen or his staff had ever seen. It was pointless to fix and our best option would be IVF. We did an follow-up Hysteroscopy to see how severe the blockage was and where exactly it was located. This showed that there was 0% possibility of natural conception as all of the contrast fell out and nothing went into the Fallopian tubes. At this point we had put in about six months, R36 000 and many emotions – still no good news. We were understandably very desperate at this stage. The IVF journey was not easy at all, we completely understand why Dr Heylen started us off on AI. The procedure cost about R42 000 and was a very painful and time-consuming process. It consisted of three painful and complicated injections daily, many vaginal scans checking the follicle growth and an extremely painful egg retrieval procedure (by far the worst part as it was very painful and Kerry could only take Panado). The egg retrieval went very well and we retrieved eight perfect eggs, seven fertilized and made it to a perfect five-day embryo. On day five we put back two of the perfect five-day embryos with the hopes of a twin or singleton pregnancy. The procedure was perfect and Dr Heylen confirmed that at most we would have was twins, but more likely a singleton. We asked what the odds of having triplets were with the two embryos and he said it was literally none, he had never seen it in the decades he has been a fertility doctor and the odds were radically against this ever happening. The two week wait began again… This time slightly shortened as we were already five days in. On 27 July 2014 we did a sneaky home pregnancy test two days early, we promised we wouldn’t as we have done so many and each time we have been utterly devastated- but this time we came back with a positive result! We were over the moon, but still nervous in case it was a chemical pregnancy. On 29 July 2014 we did the blood test and got a BHCG of 167, quite high for this stage and from here we were already suspecting that we were going to have twins. The follow up test on 1 October 2014 gave us a result of 654, which was again quite high and showed all was going well. All we had to do now was wait for the first scan at 5-6 weeks. The 2-week wait was agonizing as we couldn’t wait to see our baby and confirm if it was twins or not. This was also quite an adjustment period for us as we had expected some morning sickness and other pregnancy symptoms but not to such an severe extent. Kerry was sick every morning and evening and nauseous all day. She was losing weight rather than gaining and her belly and breasts were growing rapidly. The 6-week scan finally came and we got the extremely wonderful news that we were indeed expecting twins! Everything looked perfect – size, heartbeats and placement… we were so excited! We had confirmation that there were just two fetuses and everything was perfect as there was no chance they could split now. Another long three week wait for the final follow up scan with Dr Heylen at nine weeks was too much to handle and Michelle moved the appointment from Monday 6 October to Friday 3 October. It was at this appointment that everything changed and the pregnancy went from happy and exiting to absolutely terrifying. Dr Heylen told us that one of the embryo’s must have split shortly after implantation and as they are so small it was missed on the first scan. We now had triplets, two identical (Monochorionic-Diamniotic) and one fraternal. There was a brief moment of excitement where we were thinking ‘Wow! we have three babies!!’ but that was over as soon as Dr Heylen started talking. He explained that identical Monochorionic-Diamniotic twins by themselves is very complicated and dangerous as they share a placenta and they can get a condition called Twin To Twin Transfer Syndrome. This is

January 13, 2015

Circumcision

When we found out that we were expecting a boy, my husband acted as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He had an intense fear of raising a teenage girl who would PMS and end up liking and dating… boys! I have a sister and many female cousins, so there is no denying that my knowledge of boys and what to expect when you’re raising one is lacking. One of the most challenging decisions that I have had to make, as a mom of a boy, was whether to make the cut –circumcision. I am all about creating community and have found that when it comes to teething, rashes, and fevers, you will find an abundance of moms sharing their stories and experiences. But when I had to come to terms with circumcising my 10 day old son, there is all the complicated, medical information available but no real-life stories. It puzzles me that in this day and age, we still hide over a trivial word like “penis” and “vagina”. There is a list of reasons why circumcision is considered, they range from religion, cultural beliefs and hygiene. Some articles suggest that daddy and baby should look the same to avoid confusion, in the nearby inquisitive years. My husband’s argument was that he’d feel more comfortable having it done, as he wouldn’t even know where to begin when it came to cleaning an un-circumcised penis, that he worried about our son being confused in locker rooms or worse, teased. I suggested that we wait until he was older but after speaking with an adult, who was forced to have it done in his adulthood, he mentioned how painful it was and how much more complicated the procedure could become. You are probably wondering why I would be discussing circumcision with other men, but I wanted to know, is this as important as my husband was making it out to be. Turns out, it is! There are several emotions that I experienced going through this process. I was filled with anxiety that tethered to the insides of my stomach. I couldn’t quite picture handing my son over to someone, who’s intention was to take a blade to his penis. I set to Google who didn’t soften the punch when explaining the procedure. Anger settled in, when I tried discussing my concerns with my husband who wouldn’t hear the other end of it. I was so livid that he was all for handing over my baby, it just made no sense that he could be okay with this! Sadness was closely followed by acceptance when I realized that this is happening, that the following day, I would walk into a hospital where I would pass my son over to a stranger, who I would need to trust. On the day, I was greeted by very friendly nurses who took my son from me, they undressed him and put a numbing cream on him. The doctor took time in explaining what would happen in each step of the procedure. He didn’t laugh at my insecurities when I asked him how many circumcisions he had done, or would my son really be grateful in the future? After everything was explained, I signed the documentation and went for coffee, while we waited for the cream and Ponado to settle in. We went back, handed Axl over and left the room. He encouraged that we go for coffee and return in 20 minutes. We did so. I expected to return to an upset baby who would just want boob and the comfort of his mom’s arms, but instead, I returned to a sleeping baby being cradled by a nurse. The doctor explained that there would be blood in his next nappy change, and that there would be a yellow bandage that should stay on for a few days but that he’d see us in a week, and if it still hadn’t fallen off, he’d remove it. We weren’t to bath him, but needed to keep him clean. I had complete heart failure for the first nappy change. The sight of blood coming from my baby was all too much, and surely something had to be wrong!? The doctor had given me his private cell number, but I felt pretty lame calling him – as it is, I had quizzed him with a half dozen unmentionable questions, that still make my cheeks flush. On day 6, his bandage came off and even though the doctor had told me to expect it. I called my husband in panic, explaining that his penis looked “weird” and pinkish. It was expected that it would be pinkish, but I didn’t really know what to expect it to look like. Remember, I was brought up with girls! We put Vaseline on, after every nappy change, to stop the nappy from sticking, and continued for about 2 weeks after the procedure, to ensure everything was healed. I remember for our 1 week check-up, the doctor said my son has such a good looking penis. I mean, what is that even? What makes a penis good looking, doctor? Remember the emotional rollercoaster that I mentioned, earlier? Turns out that it continues. I am both humoured by my journey and how I reacted, but more so, grateful! I am glad that my husband asked for our son to be circumcised, and I am sure my son will be too. At the end of the day, it is done and will never be a concern in the future whether he is being clean about his habits, or whether he has infections that can lead to more serious issues. I wish that more moms would share their stories, to help comfort and support other moms. Circumcision is a big decision to make, especially when you’re sleep-deprived and new to motherhood, with very little knowledge on the male anatomy. It is scary that you only have 8-14 days after birth, to make that

January 12, 2015

How To Give Your Kids A Life-Long Damaging Complex

The little boy was unhappy for some reason and threw himself on the floor in the grocery store, blocking the path of several customers pushing carriages. His mother grabbed him by the arm and dragged him off to the side and out of the other shoppers’ way, scolding him for the outburst. The strongest word I heard her say was in her sentence, “Shame on you for being so rude!” The word was SHAME. For some, it may be a very normal word that they’ve heard often. I’ve heard it used to lift some up above others; “He played so well on the field that he put the others to shame.” I’ve heard other adults say, “For shame, for shame!” A man once shared with me that he first felt the effects of shame when he was very young. At preschool age, he and his male playmate were swimming in a wading pool in the back yard and decided they didn’t need to wear their swim trunks. When his grandmother saw what the two boys had done, she ran out to them and screamed “Shame on you,” sent the playmate home, and dragged her grandson into the house. This man revealed that he was forced to feel shame many times throughout his childhood and it left a painful feeling inside that was hard for him to describe. Hearing that word made him feel bad, damaged, broken, and less than others. He said it carried over into his marriage, impacting his intimacy and his self-esteem. Looking up the definition of the word in the dictionary will define the word as; the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, or ridiculous. It is that painful feeling that can have lasting effects on the person being shamed for his or her actions. That pain can actual alter the way a person lives out their daily life. Instead of using shame to control your child, use unconditional love; remain calm, explain why certain actions aren’t OK, and be cognizant of a child’s emotions. When the boys decided to take off their swim trunks, grandma could have calmly given them a choice to wear their trunks to keep swimming, or return home. Then some time later, calmly explained to them why that rule is important. When that little boy in the grocery store had his meltdown, his mother could have gently removed him from the middle of the isle and held him until he calmed down. She could have refrained from speaking to him because children having tantrums are unable to interpret the words they hear. Forcing a tantrum to stop by using shame is not a healthy method for discipline.

January 9, 2015

Pregnancy Brain… It’s A Real Thing

Maybe it’s the lack of sleep or growing an entire human being that’s distracting you. Maybe it’s the hormones driving you crazy or maybe you really are losing your mind. Whatever it is, it’s your first actual taste of what it might be like to be senile. Pregnancy brain is not a medically proven phenomenon, but anyone who has ever been pregnant or lived with a pregnant woman knows it’s very, very real. Here are some of my pregnancy brain moments…so far: The time I locked Mikayla and myself out of the house on a cold evening…This was just after I took my pregnancy test, luckily I forgot to lock my car as well so we stayed in there to keep warm until Cole came home! When he arrived he asked me how I managed to do it and I told him I had pregnancy brain… Biggest goofball smile on his face I have ever seen! Cool pregnancy announcement huh? The time I wore two different shoes to my doctor’s appointment…Getting dressed should be like second nature…right? I mean… it is fairly easy, I pretty much dress other people for a living. I was feeling pretty well rested, I got dressed and off to my gynea appointment I went to check on my 22week baby bump. We did a scan, had a chat and off I went… As I am standing at the counter to pay for my visit I happen to look down at my feet… and I am wearing two different pairs of shoes. The time I left my car keys in the ignition, in my unlocked car for a whole day… In South Africa… I arrived at work and pulled into the parking lot. Nine hours later I get ready to leave when all of a sudden I notice my car keys are missing. A couple of my colleagues and I searched the office from top to bottom with no luck. I was pretty much in tears and hoping that I wouldn’t have to call my husband to drive 45 minutes in traffic with our toddler in tow, so I retraced my steps instead which leads me right back to my car where I find my keys in the ignition – all the doors unlocked. I can honestly say that it was a first for me. The time I forgot Mikayla in the naughty corner… Mikayla was having one hell of a tantrum over something ridiculous– I can’t even remember what it was about, but she did something naughty and I sent her to the naughty corner in the dining room. I carried on making supper, chatting to hubby and dishing up. In the back of my mind I noticed she was very quiet, but I guess I was preoccupied. I was just about to call her as I was taking our dinner through to the dinner table when she suddenly moved in the corner and pretty much gave me a heart attack! “Mommy can I come out now?” … She stood still in that corner without making a sound for close to an hour. Worst mother ever. I haven’t sent her to the naughty corner since. The time I searched and searched for my phone… and was so upset because I NEED my phone (I am addicted). Upset and crying out of frustration, I called my husband to tell him I lost my phone. What do you think I phoned him with? My phone that I had in my hand the whole time? Yeah. I also franticly search around the room for my phone while I am on the phone… this happens more often than I care to admit. Every single day, morning routine …where is my phone, wallet and keys? Look on the entrance table, look through my bag, find my keys – place them on the table. Look for my wallet, it’s in my handbag. Where is my phone? Look in my bag, look in the bedroom, and look in the bathroom – nowhere to be found. Cole phones it and it rings in my handbag. Take my handbag, leave the house, get to the car – where are my keys? Scratch through the handbag, go back into the house… on the table where I left it. Back to the car, I have my keys and I have my wallet… where is my phone? Scratch through the bag once, nothing… find it the second time, yay me! Every, single morning! P.S… that is why I am always late. The time I used toothpaste as make-up remover…I somehow managed to take a cotton ball, reach for the toothpaste instead of make-up remover, watch myself squirt toothpaste onto said cotton ball and wipe it on my face. Thank goodness I did not start with my eyes…. The day I forgot to put panties on Mikayla… this happens to be the same day that she had to have her Tonsillectomy/Adenoidectomy and wear an open-back gown. Once again… worst mother ever. Luckily Cole rushed home to get her a pair! What would I do without this man… The day I poured orange juice on my cereal instead of milk… it didn’t taste that bad, actually. The time I forgot how to drive home and ended up at my old office instead… I left work early so that I could get home early. Ironic. I could not remember how to get home, took the wrong turn-off and ended up going all the way back into town. By the time I realized what I was doing I was at my old office in Gardens and had to sit in the back end of traffic to get out of town and on my way home. What would have been a 15 minute trip ended up being about 2 hours. The day I forgot to wear a bra to work… do I even need to go into detail on this one? The day I was stuck at what seemed to be the longest red light of my life… cars behind me started hooting, so naturally I rolled my window down and started screaming how

January 7, 2015

Remove Toxic People From Your Circle

In a recent article I wrote listing 25 tips for entrepreneurs, one stood out that I thought was worth rewriting for parents who read my column. It has to do with cleaning out for the holidays and I don’t mean cleaning out the house. It’s more along the lines of cleaning out your closest circle of people for your own emotional health. Here’s how it came about. One night my wife and I were leaving a business social event. We couldn’t help but share with each other on the drive home, the lingering feelings we had after listening to a few other couples, bicker with each other and complaining to the rest of us. None of them had anything encouraging to say and the experience made us want to leave. That’s the night several years ago that we decided together on two very important things going forward. Our first important decision, as parents and entrepreneurs, was to surround ourselves only with encouraging and supportive people. Over the next few days we began ‘cleaning house’ by listing all the adults in our lives who we felt were toxic. These are the people who complained and berated others, bickered with each other in front of others, and the ‘doubting Thomas’ who usually tell you every reason why your new idea won’t work. The second thing we did was to promise each other to always speak respectfully and kind to each other, not only in front of the kids, but out in public as well. This was especially important if the other was absent. We promised never to air any issues we have with each other in public and to address them in private. This included not making each other the butt of a joke or busting on each other in humiliating or embarrassing ways. To cultivate a relationship and life as good parents and as entrepreneurs, it’s critical to remain positive, encouraging and to always focus on gratitude for all of the gifts that appear in our lives each day. Steer clear of the ‘crabs’ that will always try and pull you down to join them in their misery or misfortune, and to pass this all on to our kids. So here are some additional guidelines we came up with for ourselves. Surround ourselves with positive and encouraging people. This was a difficult task to perform, limiting who we would invite to socidal events. Unfortunately, it meant eliminating some family members. Add statements of gratitude to our blessings before family meals. Take notice of all the little things that others did for us and recognize the gifts that appeared in our day that helped us in some way. Send out hand-written thank you notes (not emails) each week to anyone who helped us solve a challenge or provided service to us in some capacity. As parents, we owe it to our children to understand the difference between encouragement and discouragement and how to manifest what they need to develop their own resiliency.

January 6, 2015

Childhood Overweight And Obesity

When it comes to the low down on healthy eating and weight loss, most of what we read in the media, and what is portrayed on television, is directed at adults with little attention focused on children. But what about our children and where do they stand in the battle against the bulge? Childhood obesity: The problem we are facing South Africa has been experiencing an increase in obesity over the past 2 decades, especially among children and adolescents and is reaching epidemic proportions. According to the International Obesity Taskforce one out of every 10 children is overweight. 13.5% of South African children (between ages 6-14 years) are overweight and/or obese. Scary about this statistic is that it is higher than the global prevalence of 10%. It is further estimated that 1 in 5 children is either overweight or obese. Research show that girls are more likely to be overweight or obese. Ironically in developing countries like South Africa, where underweight and poor growth have been the main health concerns in children, overweight and obesity are now becoming significantly prevalent as a consequence of a poor diet and energy dense foods combined with increased sedentary activity. Childhood obesity is a serious medical condition that affects children and adolescents. It occurs when a child is well above the normal weight for his/her age and height. Childhood obesity is particularly troubling because the extra kilo’s often start kids on the path to health problems that were once confined to adults, such as diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. What causes childhood obesity Although there are some genetic and hormonal causes of childhood obesity, most excess weight is caused by kids eating too much and exercising too little. Children, unlike adults, need extra nutrients and calories to fuel their growth and development. So if they consume the calories needed for daily activities, growth and metabolism, they add kilo’s in proportion to their growth. But children who eat more calories than needed, gain weight beyond what’s required to support their growing bodies. However the picture is much more complex when one takes a look at all the risk factors involved in the development of childhood obesity. Many factors, usually working in combination, increase your child’s risk of becoming overweight. These risk factors include: Genetic conditions: These rare genetic diseases and hormonal disorders predispose a child to obesity. They include conditions like Prader-Willi syndrome, Bardet-Biedl-syndrome, Cohen syndrome and affect a very small proportion of children. Diet: Regular consumption of high-calorie foods e.g. foods high in sugar and fat, together with low fruit and vegetable consumption. Inactivity: Sedentary kids are more likely to gain weight because they don’t burn calories through physical activity. Inactive leisure activities, such as watching television or playing video games, contribute to the problem. Family factors: It is well known that obesity ‘runs in families’. If a child comes from an overweight family he/she may be genetically predisposed to put on excess weight, especially in an environment where high-calorie food is always available and physical activity isn’t encouraged. For children under the age of 10, if one parent is obese, it doubles the chances of the child developing adult obesity. If both parents are obese, there is an 80% chance that the child will be obese. Psychological factors: Some children over eat to cope with problems or to deal with emotions. How to tell if my child is overweight or obese? Do you know when to be concerned about your child’s weight? Of course, all children gain weight as they grow older. But extra kilo’s – more than what’s needed to support their growth and development – can lead to childhood obesity. Not all children carrying extra weight are overweight or obese. Some children have larger than average body frames. Children normally carry different amounts of body fat at the various stages of development. So you might not know just by looking at your child if his/her weight is a health concern. One of the tools that we use to determine if your child is obese/overweight is the Body Mass Index (BMI) chart. By calculating your child’s BMI you will be able to determine where they fall on the BMI-for-age chart. Using the chart, your child’s BMI is compared to that of other children of the same sex and age. Cut-off points on these growth charts, help identify overweight and obese children. You can calculate your child’s Body Mass Index (BMI) for their age and gender by the following equation: Current weight (kg) ÷ (Height x Height) = BMI. E.g. 30kg ÷ (1.35 × 1.35) = 16.5 kg/m. Then plot the number you have obtained against your child’s age on the chart below. This will serve as an indication of their nutritional status i.e. if they are overweight or obese and is it important that a paediatric dietitian evaluate your child. Your dietitian can give you advice on your child’s specific dietary needs and help you to make sure that they are receiving a nutritionally adequate diet and one that is right for them, while losing weight. International cut-off points for body mass index for overweight and obesity by sex between 2 and 18 years (adapted from Cole et al., 2000) e (years) Overweight (kg/m) Obese (kg/m) Boys Girls Boys Girls 2 18.41 18.02 20.90 19.81 3 17.89 17.56 19.57 19.36 4 17.55 17.28 19.27 19.15 5 14.42 17.15 19.30 19.17 6 17.55 17.34 19.78 19.65 7 17.92 17.75 20.63 20.51 8 18.44 18.35 21.60 21.57 9 19.10 19.07 22.77 22.81 10 19.84 19.86 24 24.11 11 20.55 20.74 25.10 25.42 12 21.22 21.68 26.02 26.67 13 21.91 22.58 26.84 26.76 14 22.62 23.34 27.63 28.57 15 23.29 23.94 28.30 29.11 16 23.90 24.37 28.88 29.43 17 24.46 24.70 29.41 29.69 18 25 25 30 30 Middle circumference is another important tool that is used to determine your childs’ risk of developing disease e.g. diabetes or heart disease. If you are worried that your child is putting on too much

January 5, 2015

Teenage Slang and Language: A Guide to Understanding Teenagers

When trying to communicate with your daughter, it can sometimes seem as though she is speaking another language; full of teenage slang and phrases you’ve never heard of. Our Teenagers’ Language Guide and Action Checklist will help you decipher youth slang and make it easier to talk to your daughter. Across different generations, teenagers have always had their own language. Think of the 1950s when all things good were called “cool”. By the early 1960s, Mod slang had changed this to “ace”, in hippy lingo it became “groovy” and today, this simple descriptor can be anything from “sick” to “amaze”. It can make understanding teenagers hard. Teenage slang words exist because they need their own language. Using a language that is particular to your tribe and time plays a crucial part in developing self-confidence. It is also an important step in your journey of self-discovery as it develops a sense of identity and belonging. Teenagers are trying to find their own way in the adult world and feel most at home when developing relationships with their peers. Sharing a language with other teens creates a bond and helps to build a sense of self-confidence in one’s opinions. Technology also creates greater opportunities for coming up with new words. Deborah Tannen, linguistics professor at Georgetown University in Washington, D.C. and author of You’re Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation, says text speak or ‘txt spk’ shows that teens are moulding language to suit their needs. We shouldn’t jump to criticise it, but we shouldn’t try to emulate it in order to relate to our daughters either. “You need to use language that’s appropriate to the context, just as you need to dress in a way that’s appropriate to the context,” says Tannen. “Adults look silly when they try to dress like kids. They might sound a little silly trying to talk like kids.” As girls get older they may be happier to use language that their parents will have a better chance of understanding, but when they’re young they like to try new things and feel independent. Rapidly changing teenage slang, says Dove Self-Esteem Project Advisory Board Member, Dr Christina Berton, is a totally normal part of the growing up process and something that parents should try to accept. “As your daughter grows up, she will be constantly trying to find ways to define her own personality and mark out her independence,” she explains. “Naturally, part of this is about setting herself apart from her parents and having a ‘private’ language between her and her friends is one way of doing this. This doesn’t mean you have to be excluded from what’s going on though – as her parent, it’s important to make sure she knows you’re willing to talk to her about anything and that above all, you’re really interested in what’s going on in her life. Remember not to be judgmental and be a parent she can look up to for wisdom, advice and sharing. That way she’ll know the lines of communication are always open.” Understanding Teenagers: A Teenage Language and Slang Words Guide YOLO = you only live once TTYL= talk to you later LOL = laugh out loud ROFL = roll on floor laughing IRL = in real life Awks = embarrassing Jokes = funny Totes = very Sick = good What Next: Action Steps to Help with Understanding Teenagers Don’t try to adopt your daughter’s lingo. She wants to feel that she is her own, separate person, and developing her own language is part of that. Teens love instant messaging and texting so one way to keep an open line of communication is to use mobile technology to contact your daughter – but there’s no need to use abbreviated ‘txt spk’ to be understood. If you don’t know what your teenage daughter is talking about, try asking her to explain what she means and showing her you’re interested in what she has to say. To read more articles like this, visit the Dove Self Esteem website: http://selfesteem.dove.co.za/

December 19, 2014

Raising Happy Teenagers: How Mindfulness and Meditation Practices Can Help Build Coping Skills for Life

Everyone wants their daughter to be happy. Yet, when girls start to focus on perfection and their body image, they may ignore their true strengths. New brain science reveals that relaxation skills can be useful in showing girls how to feel happy from the inside out. Happy Teenagers and Sulky Adolescents: What’s Going on in a Teenage Girl’s Brain? A curious thing happens when our little girls start to become teenagers. Not only do girls begin to bloom in so many ways, they often start to pull away. It’s not uncommon for parents to wonder: “What happened to my happy, carefree girl?” It may be a comfort to know that the shift you see in your daughter’s personality and mood is not just about hormones. In fact, it’s so much more than that. Her brain is undergoing an amazing rewiring process which happens during the teen years. With the right experiences, new and emerging neural connections allow her to stretch her abilities and develop into a thoughtful, empathetic and creative human being. The Desire to Conform Can Prevent Teenage Girls from Discovering How to be Happy with Who They Are A part of this growing-up process also means that girls will naturally compete and compare themselves to other girls. This is an evolutionary behavioural trait that allows them to adapt to the world. It also means that girls begin to look outward for affirmation of their self-worth, body confidence and sources of happiness. Fitting in and being accepted can become more important than being with family or enjoying once-loved childhood hobbies. All of a sudden, girls may shift from thoughtful self-reflection, creativity and tuning in, to tuning out from an authentic sense of self. Often what makes children happy is pursuing their individual hobbies and interests, but for many teenage girls it’s more important to be like everyone else. The need for peer approval can diminish their ability to draw on their developing sense of identity. Friendship groups and the media can create beliefs around beauty and being cool, fuelling the myth that perfection leads to happiness. Buying into these myths can reinforce something called ‘negativity bias’ in the brain; making us super-sensitive to differences and causing us to see them as flaws or dangers. For example, many girls start to believe they can only be happy if they… Are skinny Have bigger boobs Are super trendy Have a boyfriend Get straight As Get 100 Likes on their profile pics It’s important to help girls to realise that ticking items off these “wish lists” isn’t the key to everlasting happiness. In fact, it’s impossible to feel happy all the time because feeling happy is a momentary experience. Instead, the key is to savour those happy moments, appreciate them, remember them, and reflect on them. Encouraging girls to consider the joyful instants during their week helps them appreciate that life has its ups and downs. Next Steps: Ten Ways to Help Raise Happy Teenagers Dr Willard offers simple ways for parents to help their daughters feel positive and get more joy out of life: Be calm. Demonstrate thoughtful responses in your own daily life rather than immediate reactions. If your daughter gets a bad grade at school, don’t get cross but offer to sit down with her and go through steps on how she might improve next time. Take deep breaths when you feel stressed. When you are calm, children are often calmer – they can understand how to be happy even when plans fall through by following the example you setting. Take perspective. When challenges come up for your daughter, especially around body image, help her take a step back. For example, if she doesn’t like her thighs, acknowledge her feelings, but help her ‘zoom out’ by pointing out that her strong thighs make her a faster runner. Take gentle care of your body. Exercise regularly and make healthy meals. By encouraging these healthy habits and by practicing them yourself, your teen will in all likelihood also adopt them and so take care of her body and be more conscious of all the great things her body allows her to do. This will nurture body confidence. Make time to have meals together. Spend time outdoors. Go for a walk and take in the sights and sounds around you. Have a technology-free zone in the house. Keep all cell phones, iPads etc. charging in one spot and don’t allow them in bedrooms. Screens on these devices keep the brain awake and interrupt natural sleep rhythms. Show kindness to others. Show that you are thankful for the little things. Even when life may seem stressful. Celebrate the best parts of the day and share things to be happy about. To read more articles like this visit the Dove Self-Esteem website: http://selfesteem.dove.co.za/

December 18, 2014

My Issues With Maternity Leave In South Africa

I have one month left at work until I have to go on maternity leave, I say have to because apparently I do not have a choice in the matter. Let me explain – like most of the companies in the fashion industry the company I work for has a shut-down period from 19 December 2014 until about 14 January 2015 in which we all have to take our annual leave that we have built up throughout the year, my plan was to work up until the last day when we would all break up (I would be 38 weeks pregnant). To me this meant more time with my baby after birth. I was however informed that, by law, I have to go on maternity leave at 36 weeks, that’s an entire month before my due date and means that I have only three months maternity leave left after my baby is born. The maternity leave issue has been bugging me for a while now. According to the Basic Employment Act, mothers are entitled to four consecutive months of maternity leave – first off, even if your maternity leave only kicks in after the birth of your baby, four months is not nearly enough time to bond with a newborn. Secondly, I am one of the many unlucky women who will not be receiving a salary from my company during this time. Luckily our baby was planned and we have been fortunate enough to make provisions, but it is still going to be a major financial setback for us. Many women cannot afford to not receive a salary for that amount of time and are thus forced to go back to work earlier. You can claim from UIF, but the amount you receive is nothing short of a joke… at least it is better than nothing I suppose. I have asked the opinions of a couple of South Africans through various social media network platforms as well as forums – most of the feedback is pretty much on par with how I feel, but some of the comments just blew my mind. According to Economist Dawie Roodt – longer maternity leave is not an option for South Africa. “The current duration is far too much already. When the politicians start to force the employer to keep a position open for a longer period for an employee, they are essentially penalizing and taxing the employer,” – I wonder if Mr Roodt has children, or how long his wife took maternity leave (if she works at all). He then went on to make the following statement – “When UIF is being paid out for a longer period, it means someone else is paying for you to be on maternity leave.” Okay, I understand, but I am paying for someone in Pollsmoore Prison to receive a meal and a bed every night for killing/raping/murdering/stealing or whatever. I am also paying for my president to build lavish homes(Nklandla) and for his wives to go on insane designer shopping sprees. I am paying towards a government that is crumbling and that has become a source of comic relief to us. Surely, paying me UIF is a small price to pay compared to all the money we fork out that seems to disappear into thin air. A senior policy consultant at the South African Chamber of Commerce and Industry, Pietman Roos, said if maternity leave was extended, employing women would be seen as a risk to companies. “It’s a cost factor. It would ultimately affect the chances of getting a job for all women,” he said. I’m sorry, does that not constitute as discrimination?? Why are we being punished for having babies? Many women referred to the Pick n Pay model which allows eleven months of maternity leave, nine of which are paid. The retailer gives fathers eight days’ paternity leave, even though labour legislation does not make specific allowance for leave for new fathers. If the mother and father both work at Pick n Pay, they can share the maternity leave. That is amazing – why did I not go work for them?? Makro is not far behind, offering employers nine months paid maternity leave. South Africa abides by the ILO Convention 183, which states that a woman is entitled to maternity leave of no less than 14 weeks, but the country has not taken up a recommendation to extend maternity leave to at least 18 weeks. Sweden is the most generous when it comes to parental leave – mothers and fathers can share 16 months at home with their baby. At least we are not in Tunisia, which offers the shortest maternity leave of just one month. In short: Issue #1: Four Months Is Not Enough Time Four months is not nearly enough time with your new baby, and it is definitely not enough time for your body to heal. It took about 2-years for my body to get back to normal after I had our daughter – I am not at all saying we need two years maternity leave, but you can imagine how much strain it will put on your body going back to work after just three/four months. Most moms suggested that six months would be sufficient time for them while others brought up the models of Canada and Sweden which allows parents to take up to a year maternity leave to be split between parents as they see fit. You also get those superhuman beings like Marissa Mayer, CEO of Yahoo who went back to work only two weeks after giving birth to her first child, but I am not going to give my personal opinion on that one. I feel like after four months you are just getting used to being a mom, and then you have to leave your baby and go to work… it is quite cruel. Needless to say, this becomes more tricky if you have a premature baby or if your baby is seriously ill. Issue #2: Breast Is Best? Our country goes above and beyond to promote breastfeeding for as long as possible and mothers are shamed and looked down upon for turning

December 15, 2014

I Am Not Fat… I’m Pregnant. 10 Things You Should Never Say To A Pregnant Woman

“Wow, you are getting HUGE!” “Oh, are you sure you’re not having twins?” “You’re only 24 weeks pregnant? How much bigger can you get?” “For someone who pretty much only eats salad you sure are gaining a lot of weight” “You look like you’re about to pop any minute!” …no… I still have about 15 weeks to go… These are some of the comments I get on a daily basis at work… from +/- 80 staff members… every…single…day. My husband doesn’t get why it upsets me so much, you’re pregnant, right? Maybe he’s right, maybe it’s the hormones.. but it’s the words that are used and the intention behind them that bothers me. Am I the only one having this problem? I am very aware of how pregnant I am, and I am not stupid… I know I’m getting fat. I was also not the skinniest person going into this pregnancy, but you already have to deal with stretch marks, being uncomfortable, itchy skin, swollen boobs, pimples and not knowing what to wear not to mention growing a human being for crying out loud. I guess I am mostly angry because I’ve been feeling so good.. My first pregnancy was a NIGHTMARE. You know that beautiful, glowing woman on the cover of a magazine looking lovingly at her perfectly tanned, perfectly round baby bump? That was not me. At all. This time around, however, I feel really good. Or at least I did. I am much bigger than when I was pregnant with my daughter and in the past 24 weeks I have gained about 10 kg’s. I also have a massive amount of water retention in my legs which makes them look like tree stumps and my hair and skin is an absolute mess. Am I being used as some totem of self-hatred, are they fascinated with my weight gain as a way of feeling better or worse about themselves? Is this what society has become? When women transform into the bloated, beautiful beasts we become during pregnancy, we are all of a sudden open to public comments — and everyone is a critic. Although we realize that we are selflessly giving our bodies for the creation of a new life and all that, it seems that the general public does not remember that there’s still a real woman in there, behind the baby – a real woman with real feelings about her body. At 24 weeks pregnant with my second child I would like to believe I’ve finally gained some perspective and a thicker skin about the surprising and insensitive things that people say to woman in one of her most fragile times. In my bid to educate society and hopefully prevent even just one other mamma-to-be feel the way I was feeling, here is 10 things you should NEVER do or say to a pregnant woman: 1.”Was it planned?” (Translation:Do you have sex regularly? Were you using birth control? Do you have a basic understanding of the human reproductive system? Or were you just being irresponsible?) Does it really matter whether someone was taking ovulation tests, having sexy time with their husband and then elevating their pelvis or whether they got drunk & screwed their boyfriend in the bathroom of a dodgy club? It really doesn’t at this point, and it’s none of your business. 2. “Are you sure there is just one baby in there?” (Translation: You are fat) I am sure that my gynecologist who has been a specialist in her field for the past 15 years can read an ultrasound properly, you idiot. 3. “Wow, you are getting HUGE.” (Translation: You are really fat) Thank you, I didn’t notice. I thought I was just pregnant. 4. “You are having your second baby? But you are so young…” (Translation: You child, you don’t know what you are doing) And you are so old. 5. “You are calling him/her what? I don’t that name, I think you should call him/her…” (Translation: You have bad taste) Oh okay, then I won’t name it that. Nobody cares that a girl named Angela took your chocolate chip cookie in grade two so don’t lift up the tarp covering your mental baggage. No-one asked you… please keep your opinion to yourself. Even if you are asked, lie. 6. Sushi. (Translation: I want to make you cry.) Don’t even think about it in my presence. 7. Unauthorized belly rubs! (Translation: I do not care about your personal space) When did this become okay?? Hands off the belly! 8. “Should you really be eating that? “ (Translation: You obviously do not have your child’s best interest at heart) You are very…very brave… 9. “Why are you having a C-section? You will miss out on the beautiful bonding experience of natural birth.” (Translation: You are going to be a bad mother) First of all, not all of us have a choice. My first baby was delivered via emergency C-section and therefore my doctor has decided that the safest way forward will be to deliver my second by C-section as well. Secondly, who are you to judge? There are multiple benefits to both C-sections as well as Natural birth…and once again, it has absolutely nothing to do with you whether I am going to have a stretched vagina or an ugly scar. Please mind your own business. 10. “Sleep now because you won’t get any when the baby gets here.” (Translation: Your life is over.) What the hell does this mean anyway? It’s not like you can bank sleep. It’s like saying “Don’t eat this year because an all-you-can-eat-buffet is opening up next March”. Plus, who says that the woman you’re saying this to is sleeping now? She may be a congested ball of heartburn, hemorrhoids and back pain so this kind of thing just adds insult to injury. The next time you see a pregnant woman, unless you are going to tell her how beautiful she looks, just keep your mouth shut. She doesn’t need to hear what you think about her size, her looks, her baby’s name, etc. You may think you’re witty but I can guarantee she does not.

December 12, 2014

Healthier Holidays: A time For Learning

Holidays and Christmas are upon us, which means our kids are hit with a double whammy of loads of free time combined with a glorious array of Christmas treats to indulge in. This is a valuable time to teach our little ones lifelong habits to keep a moderate, healthy, balanced diet even throughout the silly season – a time when even grow-ups tend to lose their heads about food and health! Firstly remember that this is a natural time for treats and indulgences. Creating rigid rules around how many mince pies or chocolate balls are allowed will only create a feeling of deprivation and may lead to food sneaking or overeating when at friends’ houses. Don’t create drama about the difference between “healthy” foods and “unhealthy” foods – quite simply, most kids don’t care, and this will only make those forbidden pleasures more enticing. Encourage the idea that all foods are equal, and cultivate a moderate intake of all sorts of foods: “Gingerbread men are a delicious part of Christmas and of course we will enjoy them, but turkey meat and roast vegetables and nuts are also delicious Christmas treats so let’s have some of them too!” Remember the great thing about kids is that they don’t yet have a preconceived idea of what a Christmas tradition is, so you can create your own and make healthier habits an exciting part of your family’s Christmas. Christmas cheer is about so much more than the food, so place great emphasis on non-food activities. You can even make a Christmas calendar with a different festive activity scheduled for each day: Putting up decorations together, singing along to Christmas Carols and attending Carols by Candlelight, Christmas treasure hunts, creating homemade gifts, enjoying crafts such as painting or clay with a Christmas theme, dressing up, going to see Christmas lights, reading the story of Jesus’ birth. Create your own advent calendar with healthier treats, or even include non-food surprises in the calendar such as a challenge for the day or small inexpensive gifts such as marbles or stickers. Put a Christmas spin on healthy foods and sell them as being just as exciting as the marzipan and chocolate: Have lunch as a “picnic” by the Christmas tree Use fruit pieces to create Christmas tree shapes Make treat bags as a craft project (using anything from Christmas gift wrap to fabric), and decorate them with a Christmas theme, then filling them with nuts, dried fruit or biltong as a Christmas snack every day Using Christmas cookie cutters to shape sandwiches, cheese slices or even to mould starches Putting red or green food colouring into otherwise white foods such as pasta or porridge (for the adventurous child and parent!) Getting the kids involved in choosing red and green foods for meals (e.g. tomato sauce on meat with broccoli) The best thing you can do for your little people during this season is model healthy food behaviours and create an environment that supports healthy behaviours. Don’t buy tins and tins of treats and then forbid everyone from touching them. Buy appropriate quantities – a small pudding for the family, a pack of 6 mince pies for a family of 6. If you buy a bigger quantity, or even better, if you are baking, take the excess and use it as a lesson the gift of giving – take your children to hand out treats at retirement homes, orphanages or a charity of your choice. Even driving about and giving Christmas treats at traffic lights or to neighbours can be a valuable lesson and will have the bonus of removing the foods from your home. Eat a healthy balanced diet throughout the season to model to your children a moderate way of enjoying Christmas foods, and avoid negative food talk such as “I shouldn’t have any more”, “I’m cheating on my diet” or “I’m being very naughty by having an extra slice of cake”. Remember: a neutral, moderate attitude to all foods is important for fostering healthy habits. In the meantime, use all this free time to go wild with lots of fun physical activity! Go for bike rides, walks, play games in the garden or games on your Wii. Create activities that will require movement such as scavenger hunts or decorating large areas. This will benefit you and your little people. Of course you can try healthier ways of preparing traditional Christmas foods, like baking a sugar free Christmas cake or gluten-free shortbread (no end of recipes for this online or in cook books). There is nothing wrong with trying this and it will benefit the whole family physically. However, it is more important to use this time to teach your children (and maybe some adults!) to exercise moderation and balance with eating, and to cultivate a healthy, happy and moderate relationship with all food ranging from carrots to cookies. This is a lesson they will benefit from for the rest of your lives. Have lots of fun during this special time with your children!

December 11, 2014

How to Work from Home with Kids

Thanks to the modern workforce, many employers allow some employees to work from home when circumstances exist, such as inclement weather, schools closed, illness and personal situations. When my children were very small, this opportunity wasn’t available to me. If I had car trouble, my kids were sick, or if I had a utility company coming to the house for a hook up, it usually meant using up sick or vacation time. If you’re a parent, with some planning and strategy, you can make working from home with kids way more effective. Here are 5 tips to help you make it happen. Special Toys. Is there something special that your children just love to play with, especially ones that keep them engaged for long periods of time without bothering you? Purchase them and set them aside as special toys that can be played with under special circumstances, such as when you have to work from home. Keeping them out of sight and out of reach create a reverence for them that will make them special and effective on days when you’re working from home. Segment The Day. Create blocks of time when your children can engage with you and those in which they can’t. Young children don’t really have a sense for the passing of time, unless they can see it. Purchase a visual timer from TimeTimer.com that allows you to set a big red timer clock so your kids can see how much time is left until they can speak to you. Create a visual schedule to go along with it, that will allow them to see when they have your attention and when they can’t. Family and Friends. Make use of those closest to you, who you trust. Barter with parents and others to come watch the kids during your busiest times, or to take them out to give you the peace and quiet you need. Return that favour to others when you can watch theirs. You’d be surprised how creative you can get when discussing bartering ideas with someone else. Digital Entertainment. Everyone knows that putting your kids in front of a movie can keep them engaged for quite a while. But because of new evidence surrounding the impacts of technology addiction, it’s not a good idea to allow your children to become glued to the television all day. Experts have found that small increments of digital entertainment are OK and should not exceed 30 – 60 minutes at a time. With this in mind, plan TV time for your children strategically for the segments in your day that you really need complete quiet, such as conference calls or content development. Extend Your Hours. Finally, knowing in advance that you may have to leave your computer to feed or spend time with your children, think outside of the 8 – 5 work day. Get some work time in, early in the morning before the kids wake up or even after hours when they are in bed.

December 9, 2014

The Dummy Mummy

So is a pacifier good or bad? My answer to this is it depends. Let’s start with the good…. Dummies have the wonderful ability to help trigger the sucking reflex in children and can also (according to Dr. Harvey Karb) help them access their calming reflex. It also gives breastfeeding mothers a wonderful rest from their children who seem to constantly want to suck on their tired and worn out breasts for comfort. “Contrary to popular belief, there are some positive effects that result from sucking on pacifiers,” says Jane Soxman, DDS, author of a pacifier study and Diplomate of the American Board of Paediatric Dentistry. “One, is that they assist in reducing the incidence of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). Babies who are offered a pacifier do not sleep as deeply as those who sleep without a pacifier. Pacifier sucking makes it possible for the infant to be aroused from a deep sleep that could result in the stopping of breathing. Pacifiers also increase sucking satisfaction and provide a source of comfort to infants.” (Read more about this here) Now the bad…. The problem is that dummies are so very often overused by parents. Instead of the dummy becoming a “last resort” type of tool, moms use it for EVERYTHING. Baby says ah: dummy; baby says ooh: dummy; baby doesn’t say ANYTHING: dummy. If a parent continues to offer a baby or child a dummy without first establishing why the baby is crying, it can also cause a parent to misread a hunger cue or to fail to recognise his/her child’s needs at all. The World Health Organisation (WHO) does not recommend the use of dummies in breastfeeding infants (Australian National Breastfeeding Strategy 2010-2015) as research has found a relation between dummy use and babies not being breastfed for as long as those who were not introduced to a dummy. And unfortunately, the ugly…. When it comes to sleep, we have worked with a countless cases where a dummy has become a child’s sleep crutch or prop. The problem is that when a child transitions between sleep cycles at night, he/she would want the same “environment” as when they initially fell asleep. If a baby fell asleep with his/her dummy in the mouth and it has fallen out during the night, the baby wakes up mom or dad to help find it and put it back. The result is that parents are on dummy drill, and babies do not receive restorative and consolidated sleep. The following can also occur with the overuse of the dummy: Prolonged pacifier use and thumb sucking can cause problems with the proper growth of the mouth, alignment of the teeth and changes in the shape of the roof of the mouth. There is also an association between pacifier use and acute middle ear infections (Read more here). When used past the age of 12 months, dummies have been linked to speech problems in some children who may not have enough opportunity to babble and enunciate when younger and who talk with their dummies in their mouth as they get older. Using a dummy affects the development and indentations in the palate. Please remember: safety first: If you are going to use a dummy, use it correctly: The pacifier should be used when placing the infant down for sleep and not be reinserted once the infant falls asleep. Pacifiers should not be coated in any sweet solution. Pacifiers should be cleaned often and replaced regularly. For breastfed infants, delay pacifier introduction until 1 month of age to ensure that breastfeeding is firmly established. Pacifiers should never be used to replace or delay meals and should be offered only when the caregiver is certain the child is not hungry. Pacifiers should have ventilation holes and a shield wider than the child’s mouth (at least ¼ inches in diameter). Pacifiers should be one piece and made of a durable material, and should be replaced when worn, and never tied by a string to the crib or around a child’s neck or hand (Source). Different schools of thought: The “Teach Him To Get It Himself” Crowd The problem with teaching a child to put the dummy back in his mouth is that it won’t happen until at least 9 months. So you will have interrupted sleep (as well as your child) until your child reaches this age. There are certain groups that say, that even when you do teach your child to put it back in his mouth he is STILL getting interrupted sleep because he is looking for the dummy at night. The “It Helps For Reflux” Crowd Dummies are also known to help if a child has reflux. Some babies with reflux do not have a problem with food refusal; they eat and eat and eat. These babies find nursing to be soothing because each sip of milk washes down some acid from reflux. The problem may be that they continue to nurse long past the time they need to fill their tummies. They nurse to the point that they seem to vomit every time they eat. If this description fits your baby, pacifier use may be a help. If the pacifier is given when the baby is not nursing for food (sucking slowly and less frequently, with minimal swallowing), it may be soothing to him and also provide a relief to you. The careful use of a pacifier may help your baby keep from overfilling his tummy and subsequently vomiting (Source). Sucking on a pacifier can increase saliva production, which as an alkaline that helps neutralize some of the acid that may come up. To read more about pacifier use for children with Reflux click here. The “I Don’t Want My Child To Suck His Thumb” Crowd For babies, sucking on thumbs and fingers is a natural and intuitive process. Celebrate that they have the ability to self soothe and that they will be better sleepers as a result. Some parents have reported that

December 8, 2014

The Birth of a Baby – What No One Really Tells You

When I first discovered that I was pregnant I went through the usual emotional reactions; excitement, fear, wonder, elation and dread. As with everyone first time mother who waited so long to fall pregnant I was obviously thankful and excited about the new journey I was about to embark. However, every positive thought is coupled with some very negative ones: What if I miscarry again? What if there is something wrong with the baby? What the hell am I doing? How am I going to get it out? I, like most pregnant women, had a very definite idea in my head of how I was going to give birth. I decided quite early on that I wanted to have a natural birth without any drugs. In fact, my first appointment with my doctor sparked off my seven month long investigation in how to have the prefect natural birth as my doctor (unlike many out there) was pro-natural. Each month I arrived at my check-up with a list of questions for my doctor as I had taken to reading as much literature as possible to ensure a smooth birth. Here are some of the “facts” : Exercise during your pregnancy. If you keep fit, you will not only stay healthy but it will make labour and birth much easier. I was running and road cycling before I feel pregnant and kept going with light spinning, 5km run/walks and water aerobics right through to 40 weeks. Just remember to not overdo it and don’t take suddenly go balls to the walls if you didn’t exercise before pregnancy Eat well. Maintaining a healthy diet is not only important to have a healthy baby, but it will help you keep off those extra kilos that you really don’t need. Don’t get me wrong, I still had a good supply of choccies on hand but I balanced it out with some decent food. As a result, I put on a smaller amount of weight compared to some of my counterparts Have a well-defined birth plan. I knew what I wanted and I ensured that my birthing team knew, too. Which leads me to my next point Surround yourself with a good birthing team. My hubby and I were on the same page. He knew my doctor and the two of them had a great relationship. We also chose to have a doula as part of our team. She provided support and wonderful massages prior to the birth and was there to support us when labour started right through to post-birth My doctor and I were on the same page but she always did mention that I should be open to the possibility of a C-section just in case. I did just that and sat through the C-section part of our ante-natal classes with minimum interest, but interest nonetheless. At this point I should mention why I didn’t want a C-section: I heard the recovery period is long and painful You have to rely on other people to drive you around for six weeks You have an unsightly scar You will always have belly afterwards due to weakened stomach muscles You have to have an epidural This last point was my biggest concern as I am not really a needle person at the best of times and seeing the C-section videos in the ante-natal class did not help my fears. I was even more determined to go au natural. As the weeks ticked by, everything was going smoothly. At around 32 weeks, the baby had turned and remained head down for the rest of my pregnancy. She was weighing in on the larger side but healthy and we were well on our way to the perfect birth. At 40 weeks (and in the height of a scorching Jozi Summer) I was given the news that this baby is BIG and also very comfortable in my belly. My doctor estimate that she was already 4.3kg and she was in no rush to “drop”, my cervix was also nowhere near ripening so natural birth was starting to look unrealistic. The doctor’s concerns were the size of the baby so she really didn’t want me going too far over my due date and that my blood pressure was started to rise. I still think that was due to the heat and the fact that she just mentioned C-section to me! We were then asked to pick a date during the course of the next week for the birth of our child. My doctor ensured us that she would do everything in her power to force a natural birth but we needed to be prepared. I gave myself exactly a week to do EVERYTHING within my power to get this kid out! My first call was to our faithful doula who rushed over and started with all her doula magic to get the kid to drop and come out: Essential oil cotton balls between my boobs Reflexology, the kind they tell you to avoid in case it induces contractions Spicy foods Long walks Chiropractic pelvic alignment Sex – ok my hubby helped with this one but it wasn’t pretty Nothing worked, this kid was comfortable. A week later, I went to the hospital with my labour bag, birthing ball, cooler-box, tens machine, hypo-birthing tracks, baby bag, hospital bag and daddy bag. My doctor checked my cervix which was still rock-hard and bless her heart she was still going induce me so I could feel labour. I declined. Instead of hours of painful and fruitless labour, I opted for the C-section. It was smooth, not nearly as frightening as I thought and quick. I had a beautiful, healthy baby girl weighing in at a whopping 3.85kgs. All my fears were forgotten and everything was as it should be. My advice to you is this: stop focusing on the birth, it will not go according to plan no matter how hard you try. If you have a great team of medical

December 5, 2014

Dealing With Report Cards

I guess I was lucky at school to be one of those straight A students, as I can still remember the absolute dread with which many of my friends received their report cards at the end of the year. Not that they cared too much about the marks themselves – it was the fear of facing their disappointed parents that caused the term-end blues. So heading towards that dreaded day, what can we do as parents to help our kids to address any problem areas without damaging their self-esteem or love of learning? I think the answer to this comes in looking at what a report card really is. First off, it is NOT a measure of who your child is as a person. They may have failed the year, but they are not a failure. As parents we really have to help our kids to make the distinction between who they are and what they do, and the best way to do this is to express our unconditional love for them no matter what the report card says. A report is simply a measure of how a child managed to perform on certain standardized tests. If they come back with a low mark, it does not help to attack them for their “laziness” or anything else. What we need to do is assess what went wrong where. And this may even have nothing to do with the child themselves – it may be that the teacher was incompetent, or the test was not an accurate measure of what was learned, or it may be a reflection of other issues – family problems, changes at home or at school, bullying… there are so many things going on in our children’s lives that we will miss if we simply blame them without digging deeper. On the other hand, we also need to be careful of over-praising a child with a “good” report. Once again, the report is not a measure of who the child is or their worthiness of our love and attention. Many over-achievers get the idea early on that they are only loved if they perform well and this sets them up for a life of stress and workaholism! The opposite may also be true, with children who are praised for good work giving up sooner or never even trying things that they may not be good at for fear of losing this “good girl/boy” status. The appropriate response to a report card, in my opinion, is to ask the child what they think about their own report. Ask them how they feel about areas they struggled in and how you could assist them. Ask them how they feel about areas they did well in and if they need any additional stimulation. Use the report card as a discussion around what is going on in their lives and at school, and not as a measure of their self worth. If they have failed something, it is a great opportunity to discuss some of the great failures in history and how they never gave up. And regardless of what it says, give them as big hug and a kiss and tell them you love them no matter what.

December 4, 2014

Redefining Christmas

I’m all for redefining this whole Christmas thing. I think that over the years what was once a holiday of family and good food and religious traditions has simply become fuel for the economic machine. I always wonder at this time of year what it is that our children are learning from us. What are they learning about our culture? About love? About abundance or the lack of it? Everywhere I go at the moment I hear people complaining about the extra financial strains that they experience at this time of year. Why? Why would you create that for yourself and what is it that you are teaching your kids? The thing is that whatever we are teaching our kids now is creating the culture of the next generation, and if we really stopped to ask ourselves the question, would any of us actually want to place this same strain onto our kids when they grow up? What I would like for my kids is that they grow up believing that this is a time of year for celebrating our togetherness, for celebrating love and family and relaxation at the end of a successful and fulfilling year. I would like them to remember it as a time that is stress-free and fun; not as a time where their parents lose their sanity and place themselves in debt trying to buy more presents. Presents are generally forgotten about by the time Christmas comes around again anyway, but good memories aren’t. Let’s make this Christmas one of good memories and happy families, and let the presents become an added bonus and not the main feature. You can change Christmas, and like all things, it starts at home. Create your own personal definition of Christmas, one that is not dictated to you by billboards and commercials, and trust that you have a better idea of what will create good memories for your kids than the guys on TV do! Wishing you all a relaxing, abundant, and meaningful festive season.

December 4, 2014

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