Advice from the experts
Dr Gerald B Kaplan

But it isn’t hurting!

If you think about it, the comment, “I will wait until it breaks”, is completely illogical. It doesn’t make any sense. See, not long ago I noticed low tire pressure in one of my tires, so I prayed all the way to the tyre fitment centre, hoping to arrive without incident. I made it! After evaluating the pressure issue, the technician walked from the garage over to where I was expectantly waiting. I thought to myself, “Oh boy- here we go!” He reported that I had a nail in my tyre, and that they would repair it at no charge. He also told me that for safety reasons, my car would benefit from new tyres in the near future. If I were like a dental patient I might have said, “I think I’ll just wait for a blowout”. See what I mean? It just doesn’t make sense. I didn’t plan on buying four new tyres that day but I did and I didn’t hold it against the technician either. So let’s get real… You the patient and not the prosthodontist has ownership of the problem. Why do you not take time out of your day to visit our practice? Why let your medical aid dictate appropriate treatment?  They are your teeth, not theirs! How would you like your teeth to be in 5, 10, 15 years down the line – surely sound and healthy as they could be now. What if we as prosthodontists see something that isn’t necessarily symptomatic at the present time, but could potentially pose a problem in the foreseeable future – how soon would you want to do something about it? If we were able to help you ward off any emergency or pain or inconvenience  timeously while saving you some money, would that not  be helpful? You are welcome to give us a call to prevent the blowout.

Parenting Hub

How to help your teenager cope with exam stress

In an increasingly competitive world, young people writing exams are arguably under more pressure than ever before, knowing that their results need to give them an advantage when applying for higher education or employment. Unfortunately, this means that they are also exposed to increasingly higher levels of stress – stress that can, if not managed properly, become debilitating and even affect their performance. Dr Gillian Mooney, Teaching and Learning Manager at The Independent Institute of Education, SA’s largest and most accredited private higher education provider, says it is therefore vital for parents and other caregivers to monitor the mental wellbeing of learners and students in addition to their preparation, as there are a number of ways that stress can be manipulated to improve performance rather than allowing it to be an unnecessary hurdle. “At this time of year, it is not unusual for young people to experience peak levels of stress because of the nearing exams,” she says, adding that “it is important to remember that stress can both be motivating and managed”. Mooney, who has also spent more than a decade and a half as a Psychology lecturer, says adults should understand that stress is subjective, and that what is stressful for one person, may not be stressful for another. “Stress is your body’s physical reaction to certain situations. Your body has a biological response – that is chemicals and hormones are released – in order to help you cope with a stressful stimulus. As a result, stress can affect your physical health, your mental health and your behaviour.” She says while some stress is healthy in the short term, and can help one be more productive and motivated, negative stress will cause ‘distress’, leading to feelings of anger, irritability and fear. “Negative stress may also cause physical symptoms such as a headache or stomach cramps. Exam anxiety is a kind of stress that involves excessive worrying about exams, the fear of being evaluated, and, of the consequences of exams. Exam anxiety is experienced by many students and is not mysterious or difficult to understand.” Mooney says this type of stress can be easily managed if a student takes heed of the following ten tips: Believe in yourself: If you have worked consistently since the start of the year, you should be fine and there is no need to worry excessively. Don’t try to be perfect: It’s good to have goals, but these need to be realistic. If you believe that anything less than 100% means you have failed, then you are creating unnecessary stress for yourself. Don’t keep things bottled up inside: A good way to alleviate worry and stress is to confide in someone that you trust and who will be supportive, for example your parents, friends or lecturers. Keep things in perspective: Exams may seem like the most important thing right now, but in the context of your whole life, they are only really a small part. Life will be worth living regardless of an exam. Give yourself credit for getting as far as you have. Be proactive in tackling your problems: If you do not understand some of the material, merely feeling stressed about it will not help. Rather make an appointment to see your lecturer, talk to your classmates, or review a past exam paper. Get accurate information: Check all the course information and ask your lecturer. You need to know what will be in the exam, how it will be marked, where the exam will be written, and when the exam will start and end. Structure your study time: You need to study in regular sessions of about 50 minutes each, separated by 10 minute breaks. Plan for the exam: Try to arrive at the exam venue early. Wear a watch or make sure you know where the clock is in the exam venue. Wear layers of clothes so that you can adjust when you feel hot or cold. Make a list of all the materials you will need in the exam room and be sure to pack it before you go. Try to maintain a healthy lifestyle: Your anxiety levels will increase if you feel tired and run down. You can improve your resilience by getting enough exercise, eating nutritious food and getting regular and adequate sleep. Avoid the things that won’t help: Try not to drink too much coffee the night before and the morning of the exam. Avoid other students who are anxious and talkative before the exam. And avoid talking about the course material just before the exam. “If you manage your emotional approach to stress, the physical response will also become manageable,” says Mooney. “Parents and caregivers should be vigilant and ensure that if they start seeing the signs of excessive, unproductive stress, they timeously assist by providing the practical and emotional support required to help students and learners perform at their best.”

Mia Von Scha

Are your kids getting too much homework?

Homework is an essential part of learning independent work and self-discipline… and I think that kids are getting far too much of it. Homework should be given out with this specific purpose in mind and not because there is so much schoolwork that it can’t fit in to the school day. If kids are getting too much, it is your responsibility as a parent to take a stand. Get together with other parents in your child’s class and have something to say about it.  Play, fresh air, fun and down-time are as important to a child’s development as formalised learning and discipline, particularly in the Foundation and Intersen Phases. This fits in to what I have said before about too many extra murals: Children, like all human beings, need time to be – not busy performing or excelling or proving their worth, just being. So how much is too much? If you look logically at the typical day of a school child this should become obvious: 6am-7am Waking and getting ready for school 7am-2pm School time 2pm-3pm Sport / extra murals 5pm-7pm Dinner, bathing etc. 7pm-8pm Story time or quiet time 8pm-6am Sleep (children of 7-10 years need around 10-11 hours per night) This only leaves between 3pm-5pm for homework AND games, TV time, outdoor time, playdates etc. I would say that anything more than around half an hour per day is unreasonable at Primary School level, and certainly not more than an hour. Look logically at your child’s day and make sure there is always down-time, unscheduled time, time to just be. Life needs to be in balance and we need to help our kids with this by not overscheduling their time, by taking a stand on homework and by modeling this for our kids by getting enough rest and down-time ourselves.

Natalee Holmes

How to mess up your family in 12 easy steps

Say no, and make rules, but then give in because the whining is just not worth the effort of sticking to your guns. Teaching them you are the authority in your home and make decisions in their best interests is not important. Teach them that rules are made to be broken, and respect for your word is of no consequence. Being consistent is one of the key controls of authority in a family. When you do as you say you will, children learn to listen and respect what you say. They learn to trust you, and trust that they can depend on your word.  Put your children before your marriage. Allow them to interrupt your conversations and disregard your spouse, so that your spouse builds resentment towards you, and often towards the kids, resulting in them being impatient with the whole family. And of course more susceptible to the attentive colleague at work who has all the time and interest in the world for them. Your children will wait while you make time for your marriage, but your marriage won’t wait while you make your children the priority. Give your kids everything they want, when they want it. Especially if they throw a massive tantrum to get it. Then you should teach them that tantrums work and reinforce their use of them. Giving your children everything they want, when they want it, creates a sense of entitlement, a boredom with life, and absolutely no work ethic or respect for delayed gratification. Giving in to tantrums is how you ensure tantrums will persist.  Teach them things are more important than relationships and values. Teach them that keeping up with the Jones’, even if it means living in debt up to your eyeballs, is what matters. Dress them in the designer clothes they want, always, so that they learn what’s on the outside is key! Especially for girls – teach them that appearance is everything and beauty is only label deep. How much we consider ‘things’ as an extension of our ‘selves’, depends partly on how confident we feel about who we are.   Have a buffet at home – make meals for each individual and never allow them to expand their range of tastes so that they become fussy non-eaters who are a pain to feed. Give them non-nutritious junk just so that they will at least eat something. You can train your palate to enjoy new foods. No child will allow themselves to starve – hunger is a primal instinct. If you want to encourage different foods and healthy eating, just perservere and don’t offer alternatives.  Give up your own needs for theirs. Teach them to be entitled and self-centred. Teach them to ignore your desires and needs. Jump when they say jump – or bring forgotten tennis racquets and sports kit to school when they forget. A child who always forgets has a parent who always remembers.  Your love may know no boundaries, but you must.  Do things for them all the time. Finish their projects, pack their bags, tie their shoelaces, make their lunches. Teach them to be useless and dependent and incapable. That way you will ensure you are always doing things for them, forever, and can feel good that you are always needed. And then you can be the overbearing in-law when they are married too. What you overprotect, you make weak.  Keep them as busy as you can, 24/7, because being overstimulated and having no down time to just be children is wholesome. Make sure they never have to learn that sometimes it’s ok not to be in the A team, or make the provincial side, or to make sacrifices in some areas for other reasons. Live vicariously through them and be sure that they will get it right, and they will be on the A teams, and they will be the prefects…  even if you didn’t. Give them time to process, to rest, and to just be. Don’t rob them of the time to imagine and create. It’s good for their souls. It’s essential for their brains.  When they fight with other kids, don’t say anything. Teach them to be bold and get their own way, no matter what! That’s the only way to get ahead in this world… right? Teach that compassion and understanding, and the art of negotiation and win-win is less important. There have to be ‘the little people’ so that someone can get trod on once in a while – serves them right for not learning to stand up for themselves, right? Children are essentially selfish beings. Teaching them to put themselves in other people’s shoes is an invaluable lesson in consideration and compassion. Learning to negotiate in a win-win scenario is a life skill everyone needs.  Stand up for your children – always. Even if they are wrong. Even when a teacher is trying to teach them a life lesson. Back your child blindly so that they learn that no matter what they do, you will rush in on your white horse and save them. Even if they never learn accountability or responsibility, at least they will develop a self-righteous attitude and arrogant pride. The principles of living greatly include the capability to face trouble with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness, and trial with humility (Monson). Always pay them to do their chores. Teach them to put their hand out for everything and develop an attitude of ‘what’s in it for me?’ Teach them that even though they are part of your family, they should be treated as special, and not have to contribute simply because they are a part of the family. A sense of entitlement will eventually guarantee you a seat at the victim’s table. Buy at least two of everything for them – two rulers, two tracksuits, two scissors, two lunch boxes – just in case they lose one, so that they never learn to be responsible for their things or care about their stuff. And

Parenting Hub

Autism and the Senses – A Parent’s Guide

All around the world famous landmarks have been lit up with blue lights – a great way for the world to notice that autism is real, it impacts more people than we can imagine and there is still so much to learn about the condition. Ask any parent, adult, sibling or adolescent living with autism, about what aspect they find most difficult and they will mostly confirm that dealing with the sensory elements of autism is or was their biggest hurdle. At every moment in our 24-hour day, our senses are inundated with new and old sensory input, which gets filtered appropriately in order for one to function effectively. Many autistic children have great difficulty with processing sensory input from the environment, and added to that they have great difficulty communicating what they don’t like about the sensory input. Autistic children are typically sensory sensitive with either low or fluctuating thresholds, meaning that they are hugely affected, (often negatively), by sensory input from their environments. It is just too loud, too bright, too tight or too fast for them. They experience sensory overload on a constant basis and they really battle to cope with this. This video  by the Interacting with Autism Project is a fantastic illustration of what somebody with autism must be experiencing when confronted with sensory overload. Their withdrawal patterns and poor social skills are not necessarily caused by sensory overload, but augmented by their sensory issues. Children on the Autism spectrum need consistency, routine and structure. Unpredictable and sensory overloaded environments (like shops and shopping malls) are very difficult for them to cope with, which typically will cause them to throw tantrums, get aggressive and/or withdraw from such environments. Sensory meltdowns occur when there is some form of discordance that happens in one or more of the sensory systems (touch, taste, sound, sight, smell, movement). Low blood sugar levels are also of relevance, as lowered blood sugar levels heighten all the senses. Remove the child from the distressing environment and take him to a safer and calmer place. Parents should be aware of meltdowns, it happens so quickly and without warning – but try not to over protect them or to shield them from stressful environments. Learn to anticipate which sensory system overloads the quickest and be prepared. Exposure to new and uncomfortable environments needs to be done in a gentle and calculated way (when the child is calm and regulated) as it helps them learn to anticipate, to adapt to and to manage these environments. A portable sensory toolkit can be taken with you whenever you are away from home and can include the following items: Sunglasses (to decrease the effect of bright light). A baseball cap or wide brimmed hat (for decreased visual stimulation). An ice cold water bottle with a sport cap for sucking water or an ice cold juice with a straw. A chewy snack, like biltong, dried fruit, chewing gum. Soundproof headphones for very loud environments. A change of clothing (long-sleeved t-shirt to avoid unwanted touch). Deep bear hugs – for a calming effect. Deep breathing – the universal calmer. One’s senses are thus a vital key to coping with autism – it is the window to their souls and interactions. Understand it, use it wisely and learn to look at people and environments form a sensory point of view.

Ati2ud

The 6 key significant relationships in our lifetime

Our whole life revolves around relationships. In fact we were born to be in relationships and to have a connection with others – we are social animals by nature, we need to be social to survive and society determines our human personality. We start off our life in a relationship i.e. our parents are in a relationship and we are conceived in a relationship. We then have a relationship with mom whilst in the womb and through the umbilical cord. Not only do we get important nutrients and other such elements for our development, but we also start to feel emotion in the womb – especially pain. We are then born into a relationship, firstly with our parents and then with our siblings if we are not the firstborn (ie our immediate family) as well as extended family (ie grandparents, cousins etc). As we grow and evolve through life, our friendships throughout school and university play a significant relationship role in our life. When we move into the working world, we have relationships with our colleagues and peers as well as our customers and suppliers, both internally across departments and externally. Lastly, our spiritual relationship is what feeds our soul and keeps us grounded – for some this may be religion, for others it may be activities such as meditation, sport, hobbies, getting away to the bush or the sea or just some quiet “me” time. Relationships drift and wane as individuals pursue their own interests and goals in life. Either the connection remains or it reaches the point at which it is no longer strong enough to sustain the relationship and it is time to move on. This can happen in a number of ways. Friendships end and people move, leave relationships and/or get divorced. Customers stop using your products/services or suppliers stop delivering or their contracts are not renewed. The 6 key relationships throughout our lifetime therefore are:  Self Partner Family Friends Peers/Colleagues Spiritual The relationship with “Self” is the most important of all. This forms the foundation of our relationships with others. How we think about ourselves, how we talk to ourselves (i.e. self talk) and how we treat ourselves will be an exact reflection of how we allow others to treat us. If we don’t think highly of ourselves (i.e. self-worth, self-value, self-confidence, self-love), we will allow others to treat us this way too. We will not be able to implement personal boundaries, stand up for ourselves or believe in ourselves and our abilities. Our relationship with “Self” is influenced by our upbringing and the environment we are exposed to in our childhood. This is where we form the foundation of our emotional intelligence and relational abilities. It’s where we learn to communicate, express emotion, listen, manage conflict, be vulnerable and more. This will ultimately influence your relationships with others and determine your emotional coping mechanisms. In any situation there is one common denominator and that is You. Situations don’t just happen to us. We co-create them by what we are bringing into the space. If you are experiencing conflict and drama in your relationships, perhaps it’s time to look at what you are bringing into the relational space and how this is serving you…..

Parenting Hub

Open a book, open up your world

A book is a dream you can hold in your hand. Last year the UNESCO Institute for Statistics stated that global literacy rates were rising but despite the gains, 774 million adults (15 years and older) still cannot read and write and two-thirds of them are women.  Among the youth, 123 million are illiterate. The South African Government is on a drive to improve literacy but the reality is we live in a country where the culture of reading isn’t every strong.  Only 5% of parents read to their children and around 14% of the population are active readers.  A large percentage of our schools don’t have libraries and our Grade 5 learners literacy levels are on a par with Grade 3 learners worldwide. Reading and literacy go hand-in-glove and if we are to get South Africans literate we need to get them reading – and to develop the love of reading from an early age.  ‘Reading not only helps build your vocabulary but develops your mind, your imagination, the way you look at, and participate in the world and goes a long way to determining your future,’ says Gary Hirson, author, photographer, speaker and youth life coach. Hirson believes that reading enriches lives and his focus as an author and life coach is to help children, tweenies, teenagers and students develop a love of reading, use their imaginations to dream, set goals and achieve success. ‘The gift of our imagination is the place where all journeys begin.’ His three books – all available in English with the first translated into Afrikaans, isiXhosa and isiZulu – are aimed at different age groups and include interactive elements to make reading fun.  Each story follows the adventures of siblings, Joel and Jina, and takes the reader on a journey using their imagination, while promoting self belief, goal setting and problem solving. ‘Reading is crucial to self-development,’ says Hirson. “As we read we visualise the words, the characters, the scenes.  We learn new things, ideas, concepts and places, we expand our mind and are transported to new worlds. We get to understand the world a little better.’ In his quest to get youngsters loving the written word, Hirson is encouraging parents to read to their children. ‘Words, both spoken and written, are the building blocks of life,’ he says. Here are five reasons to get your child reading. #1:  It expands the mind.  Teaching youngsters to read helps develop their language skills and vocabulary, improves concentration and exercises their brains.  The more we read the better we get at it. #2:  We discover new things and learn about the world around us. #3:  It entertains us and develops our imagination.  With reading you can go anywhere in the world and be part of the adventure.  The possibilities are endless. #4:  In a busy, cluttered world, reading relaxes the body and calms the mind. #5:  It’s good for our self image. By having a good vocabulary and learning more about the world through books you feel more confident and have better self-belief. ‘For me reading, imagination and learning are the basics of all education,’ says Hirson who, through the publishing of his books, now conducts workshops and talks about the power of the written word through his company Calm In Storm.

Harassed Mom

Large families are a lot more common than you think

Large families are a lot more common that you think today. With many people getting divorced it is very common for blended families to end up with 4 or even more children. People still react with shock when they hear people say “oh I have four kids” and generally follow it with, “How do you cope.” Large families generally aren’t as chaotic as they are assumed to be because they have no choice but to be organised and there are many hands to help. You will be hard pressed to find a child who grew up in a large family who didn’t enjoy it. There are many advantages of being one of many. You are never alone. There is always someone around, maybe not to play with but to just keep you company. If you want to do something there is always someone there to do it with you. You learn the value of sharing and compromise early on.  With this comes amazing negotiating skills, there is nothing like a negotiation between two toddlers trying to get the toy they want. It may not be an advantage in the moment but learning that you are not the only person in the world is a lesson that will hold a child in good stead. Learning you can’t always get what you want and that you need to, sometimes, compromise is a big part of life. There is always someone to help you. Parents have their hands full with many children, they simply can’t always be there to make peanut butter bread or fix a broken Lego house, but an older sibling can. There are also a lot of resources to call on when you need to do a project or build a model or draw something you really just can’t. You always have a support team. Whether you are a dancer, a swimmer or soccer player, you will never be without a team of supporters cheering you on. There will also always be someone reminding you got this, when you don’t feel like you do. There is always laughter and children learn how to laugh at themselves. Children laugh at each other it is part of who they are, as long as it still done in a kind way, children learn to not take themselves too seriously. Mistakes happen, you say the wrong the wrong thing and that’s ok. This is a really good lesson for children to learn to shake things off, find the humour and move on. Children who grow up with many siblings learn the value of team work, they learn that everyone has a part to play and if they don’t do their part, the bigger machine won’t work. This is valuable lesson for life, we all are a small part of a bigger picture and if we do not do our part, it has consequences far beyond us. When you grow up in a large family you learn the power of family and just how strong sibling love can be. Siblings may not always like each other, they may not always want to be around each other but when something happens, good or bad, they are the ones you turn to first, they are the ones you rally around you. Having a large family is not for everyone but when you find yourself kid no 3 out of 6, there are many advantages and many opportunities to create lasting memories and be part of an incredible tribe.

Parenting Hub

3 Things Children Learn At Holiday Camp

Not everything your children learn can be found in a textbook, on a tablet or on the TV for that matter. Most of life’s greatest lessons are learned from real life experiences that cost little or nothing. Holiday camps are an ideal way to get your children away from today’s distracting technologies to learn some of these valuable life lessons. Children don’t just learn survival skills at holiday camp, but they also learn the value of qualities like courage, confidence, and character. These, in addition to learning how to surf, how to make new friends and yes, how to build a camp fire are ingredients for a well-rounded learning experience. Here are 3 things your child will learn at camp: 1. Camp builds courage At Sugar Bay Holiday Camp, we believe in constantly encouraging our campers. This encouragement very quickly grows into a quality that creates a brave child, who is open to trying new things and is courageous enough to never give up.  One of the greatest tests of courage at camp is our lagoon jumping activity; where kids may jump off a bridge and into the lagoon. Campers are never forced to jump, but they are encouraged. And when they do decide to take the plunge, they feel like they can fearlessly face any challenge. 2. Camp increases self-confidence  Sugar Bay counsellors are trained in child psychology, and therefore they understand that in order for courage to be used to accomplish greater milestones, our campers need to be confident. Our goal is for campers to be filled with confidence in their minds, in their abilities, and in their individual identity from day one until long after camp ends. To achieve this, our creative camp programmer knows just how to incorporate the best ice-breaking activities that build our campers’ confidence, which also gains them new friends at the same time. We also encourage campers to acquire a new skill by progressing through one of our certified activities, in which they earn various certificates for the increasingly difficult levels of that activity. Allowing children to master a new skill builds their confidence, since they know they can master anything they dedicate themselves to. 3. Camp strengthens character  On the final night of camp, each of our camper’s character shines and takes centre stage during our traditional “Final Camp Fire”. Here, we reflect on the week and our campers share all their thoughts, feelings and emotions about how camp has changed their lives. In doing so, they reveal just how their character has been impacted by the friendships made, challenges faced and other camp experiences. Although campers who’ve been to Sugar Bay can undoubtedly make the best camp fires and s’mores – campers are benefited far more by disconnecting from technology and reconnecting with new friends, rediscovering new skills & talents, and redefining their identities from this one-of-a-kind personal adventure that comes with “going to camp”. If you would like more information about how our holiday camp can benefit your child, or if you have further questions about Sugar Bay please visit our website at www.sugarbay.co.za, or contact us directly on (032) 485 3778 or email [email protected] .

Soccer Mom

Keeping your kids safe when you cannot drive them yourself

Thanks to busy schedules, various extra-murals and other social appointments, kids spend a lot of time on the road, and many families rely on additional help to get everyone to their activities on time. How can you be assured of your kids safety when picked up by anyone but yourself? 1. Keep your kids informed As far as possible, always ensure that your kids are well-informed of the transport arrangements. Age permitting, provide as much information about the person who will be collecting them, including names, brief description of the person and their car and if possible the registration number of the vehicle. 2. Have a “Family Safety Code” for emergencies It does happen sometimes, that a last-minute arrangement has to be made and you are unable to inform your kids in advance about the person that will collect them. Whatever the reason may be, one safety tool that is advocated by many child safety experts, is a family code word. This is a word or phrase that is only known by the parents and children, and in emergency cases shared with the specific person. If a stranger approaches your child and says “Your Mom sent me to pick you up”, he or she can ask the stranger for the code word before getting in the car. There are however several challenges to consider when picking a Safety Code. 3. Embrace Technology Although it is the root of many evils when it comes to driving, modern technology available on Smart Phones can greatly assist with passenger and driver safety. Consider one of the following: ·         Applications to discourage or deactivate phone activity The options are unlimited, but we’ve tested FOCUS – Screen Free Driving (only available for IOS, but similar apps for other platforms available). It automatically starts up when you’re driving. If you pick up your phone and look at the screen, you’ll be prompted by a voice to put it down and focus on the road. Additional features include sending driver reports via email and allowing “passenger mode” for when you’re not the driver. ·         Applications to track driving behavior AAMI Safe Driver App records your journeys and analyses your driving behavior. It then provides you with a driving score and feedback relating to the length of trips, speed acceleration, braking and phone usage. The higher your score, the safer driver you are considered to be.

Ati2ud

Active vs. Passive Listening

There’s a saying that goes “We have two ears and one mouth – so that we can listen more than we speak”. And there definitely is a difference between listening and hearing. Has there been a time when you have been speaking to someone and they’ve answered you completely out of context to what you said or just gave you a one worded answer? This is passive listening. In other words the other person is not fully present in the moment giving you their undivided attention. They may be distracted, thinking of something else, are not interested in the topic on hand, or may just plainly not have much time for you. Considering that 7% of our communication is verbal, 55% is visual (i.e. body language) and 38% is voice (tone, inflection, etc) there are a lot of cues to be looking out for when interacting with someone. Active listening is being fully present in the moment. It means being aware of where you are at in your own head (your emotional state), how you are contributing to the conversation (body language etc), and your impact on the other person (is it positive or negative) and how the other is impacting on you (your reaction). When we are fully present in a conversation, not only are we giving that person our undivided attention, we are also showing them respect and that we value them as a person and what they are sharing with us. They say that 90% of problems in relationships (personal or peer) is due to the lack of communication – either what is not being said (fear of not feeling safe to share, retaliation etc) or what is not being heard (lack of understanding, not being able to see things from the other person’s perspective). Most of the time we listen to respond instead of really hear what the other person has to say. We are so busy preparing our response that we miss vital pieces of information that are coming our way. This primarily has to do with how the brain is wired, to look for the negative. Our brain reacts more strongly to stimuli it deems negative – this stems back to our early days where it was all about survival (and still is today). One way to ensure you are fully present and tuned in to what the other person is saying is to use mirroring. Mirroring is a psychological phenomenon in which people mimic speech patterns, gestures and nonverbal behaviours of others. Research has shown that people who use mirroring effectively tend to build a good rapport with the other person and can be seen in a positive light. The more the relational space (i.e. the space between two people) is safe and open, the better the relating that will take place – in other words, the better the quality of the conversation, communication and the relationship as a whole.

Baby Jakes Mom

Sleep Safety Guidelines for New Moms 

I am yet to encounter a new mom whose baby sleeps flat on their back. Every time I visit a fellow new mommy friend, they’ve carefully wedged their new baba on their sides, nestled in between those little foam side wedges and sleep positioner’s. Why? Because they’re worried that if their little one is on their back, and spits up in their sleep, they’ll choke to death on their own vomit. Oh moms. Side sleeping hasn’t been recommended for the last 26 years. Back sleeping is the ONLY safe to sleep position for newborns and infants.  That said, allow me to state that I am not inherently paranoid. I let Jake sleep on his tummy for many a day nap (OMG?!? Yes, I just admitted that out loud). And yes, you will find many loose toys in Jake’s cot. And a cot bumper. Nor have I ever used the Angelcare Breathing Mat. (This post should be attached with one of those “Do not try this at home” disclaimers). And now that he is older (and out of the high risk stage), he gets himself into the most obscure sleep positions; twisted and curled like a mini contortionist, face down. Accompanied by his many furry friends (Doo Doo, Doo Doo the 2nd, Kitty, Barney & Bunny). At the end of the day though, I was always fully informed and aware of the risks of SIDS. I’m providing this information for the advancement of your own knowledge. Know the facts. Use common sense and trust your own mommy instincts (because yes, that is a real thing, and yes, you possess it). Also remember that SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) is rare. No need for panic. But it’s about being aware, informed and up to date. The information listed below is taken directly from official guidelines as provided by various State and Government departments around the world. I’m just sharing the information so you can make informed mommy decisions of your own. EVER HEARD OF THE BACK / SAFE TO SLEEP CAMPAIGN? It’s a public education campaign used by governments of first world countries to try and decrease the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) – the current leading cause of death among infants.  The Campaign was first introduced in the early 1990’s. Countries which have implemented public health campaigns to promote the use of the back sleep position for infants have reduced their rates of sudden infant death by as much as 80%. In the USA, SIDS rates have decreased by 50% – while Australia has seen an 83% decline. BASIC SAFE SLEEP GUIDELINES: Babies sleep safest on their backs. Babies who sleep on their backs are much less likely to die of SIDS than are babies who sleep on their stomachs or sides. Every sleep time counts. Babies should sleep on their backs for all sleep times—for naps and at night. Never on tummy or side. Babies who are used to sleeping on their backs but who are then placed on their stomachs to sleep, like for a nap, are at very high risk of SIDS. Sleep surface matters. Babies who sleep on a soft surface, such as an adult bed, or under a soft covering, such as a soft blanket or quilt, are more likely to die of SIDS or suffocation. Babies must therefore never be left alone on an adult bed or put to sleep on a sofa, bean bag, waterbed or sagging mattress Keep soft objects, toys, stuffed animals, crib bumpers, and loose bedding out of your baby’s sleep areato reduce the risk of SIDS and other sleep-related causes of infant death. Do not use pillows, wedges, positioners, nests, blankets, quilts, sheepskins, or crib bumpersanywhere in your baby’s sleep area. Evidence does not support using crib bumpers to prevent injury. In fact, crib bumpers can cause serious injuries and even death. Use a firm mattress that fits snuggly in the cot with a fitted crib sheet. Avoid using loose blankets. Do not let your baby get too hot during sleep (Remember that a cold baby will wake from discomfort, a hot baby won’t). Around 18 degrees Celsius is the correct room temperature. Don’t let your baby’s head become covered. To prevent your baby wriggling down under the covers, place them in the “feet to foot” position. This means their feet are at the end (foot) of the crib, cot or Moses basket. Smoking remains the most important modifiable risk factor in reducing the risk of SIDS. Make sure that everyone who cares for your baby uses the safe sleeping recommendations to put your baby to sleep. FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS: Why should I place my baby on his or her back to sleep? Research shows that the back sleep position is the safest for babies. The back sleep position carries the lowest risk of SIDS. Will my baby choke if placed on his or her back to sleep? No. Healthy babies naturally swallow or cough up fluids—it’s a reflex all people have to make sure their airway is kept clear. Babies might actually clear such fluids better when on their backs because of the location of the windpipe (trachea) when in the back sleep position. Healthy infants protect their airway when placed on their backs, provided that swallowing and arousal mechanisms are normal. Cases of fatal choking are very rare except when related to a medical condition. The number of fatal choking deaths has not increased since back sleeping recommendations began. In most of the few reported cases of fatal choking, an infant was sleeping on his or her stomach. Is it okay if my baby sleeps on his or her side? Side sleeping is not recommended as a safe alternative to sleeping on the back and increases the risk of SIDS. Much (but not all) of the risk associated with the side position is related to the risk of the infant rolling onto their tummy. For this reason, babies should sleep wholly on their backs—the position associated with the lowest SIDS risk. What

Natalee Holmes

Trust Your Gut

My brother and sister-in-law are about to have a baby, and it’s so exciting. Everyone is excited. I, personally, am so enjoying them discover parenthood… from the overkill of pregnancy tests to make sure it is indeed positive, to choosing a gynea, to the first scan, to their complete awe at seeing those four chambers of their baby’s heart beating so clearly on the ultrasound. It’s been so sweet reliving it through first time eyes again. Nostalgic and so special. And all I want to do is give advice. I’m a seasoned mom. I’ve been a mother for sixteen years, two months and seventeen days! I’ve done the baby thing three times for Pete’s sake! And then of course I’m a parent coach. Qualified completely, right? Who better to give advice!? But I won’t. Not unless I’m asked. Because if I learnt anything at all, in all my years of being a mom, it’s that advice comes whether you invite it or not. And for new moms, it can be the most confounding part of becoming a mother. I remember so clearly how some people would tell me to go by the baby’s schedule and demand feed. And others would absolutely swear by the dread of some future psychological damage that if you didn’t follow a strict routine you were going to end up with such problems down the line! I remember being strongly convinced by one person that co-sleeping was an evil thing to do and I would be making a rod for my own back should I dare venture down that dark road! And then hearing how well other babies and their mothers slept because they co-slept. I remember being lectured about what food to start them on when I start solids, and when exactly the best time for that was… and whether to vaccinate or not… breastfeed vs formula… learn to walk in shoes or barefoot… or potty train early or not… or smack or not… or use a walking ring or not… or start them in crèche before they were two or after three… or in summer versus winter… or government school or private… or monastic or co-ed… etc etc etc. The list goes on and on. And the opinions get stronger and stronger. And the confusion, particularly in a “newborn” parent, gets completely overwhelming until you get to the point where you just collapse in a heap, feeling totally inadequate and like you don’t have a clue about what you are doing. So I won’t give unsolicited advice. I have learnt that what works for me, may not necessarily work for others. I have learnt that people do what they need to do to survive. I have learnt that if someone needs advice or wants your opinion, they will ask me for it and I will gladly give them my 2c worth. But I have also learnt that maybe they just need to discuss, or have you simply be their sounding board and ultimately make up their own minds anyway. But there is one thing I will say – perhaps the only advice I will give, and it’s the best advice I was ever given as a mom of a new baby. It was given to me when my second son was born, by a dear nurse in the hospital to whom I will forever be grateful for the peace her advice gave me. This is the advice I would like to give to all parents, especially those new ones. Trust your gut. You are born with a natural instinct (maternal or paternal) that kicks in the minute you know you are about to be a parent. Trust that. Hold on to that. And when Aunty May tells you that giving her babies sugar water was the absolute trick to them sleeping through, or when Granny Phyllis tells you that the magic recipe that is unequivocally the answer to winds to never eat chocolate, or when your best friend (who doesn’t even have a baby yet!) tells you that you must never bounce a baby because it will cause him to be bowlegged, or when Grampa George tells you that you must never tickle a baby because it will make her a nervous child, this is what you do. You smile graciously and convincingly say these magical words, “Thank you! I will try that!” Do you try that? Well that is entirely up to you. Your baby, your life, your rules. But what will happen, is that granny Phyllis will go on her merry way thinking she has helped you and that you are a good parent because you follow her wisdom, and Aunty May feels great because she has helped you too with your big issue, and Grampa George will feel he has saved your child from being a nervous wreck. If, however, you utter a seemingly uncertain, “Are you sure that is a good idea?” to their well-meaning advice, you will find yourself faced with the determined convincing of mothers before you who swear by their tried and trusted own methods. And all this will do, is leave you not only frustrated, but unsure and filled with self-doubt. Trust me on this. You know your baby better than anyone. You spend more time with your baby than anyone else. And you have maternal/paternal instinct that you need to learn to trust. So that is my advice. Trust your gut. You’ve got this. And for the record, the god’s honest truth is that most of us are winging it, and just as surprised as the next person when something actually works. Truthfully, we all live by trial and error in this minefield that is parenting, trusting our own guts. Every. Single. Day.

The Dad Journey

Dadshares and Death-Ray Glares

My heart sank as I read her Facebook post. Just when I thought I’d dodged this dad shaped bullet her words haul me firmly back into the firing line. “It would make my life” she wrote. She wanted to go really badly and wasn’t going to let any “sold out” sign get in her way of her finding a ticket. Now a showdown I was really hoping to avoid was looming. She’s seventeen and I’m her dad and the ticket in question was to a two-night music festival known for its drunken revelry and generally wild behaviour. It was the kind of event we used to love to go to when we were much younger. But now that our daughters are almost at the age we used to be when we did, such gatherings have degenerated into the devil’s playground and the breeding ground of all known evil. To make matters worse I was kind of guilty of getting myself into this spot in the first place.  When she first told me about the concert I was let off the hook by the fact that there were no tickets.  Whew I didn’t have to make the tough call; the laws of supply and demand had done it for me! I even managed to refrain from spontaneous expressions of joy and feign a little sadness for her lost opportunity.   But now she wasn’t playing fair and my avoidance of a few weeks prior was coming back to bite me. Sure enough the moment of truth came.  She found a ticket.  Dad I’m sooo excited! Strangely I’m not. This is one of those no win situations for a dad. How do you say no to your precious daughter when “all her friends are going”, when it’s something she has been looking forward to “all her life” (teenage girls invented hyperbole!).  But how can you agree to something you really don’t believe is right for her.  And the difference to peace-in-the-home between a yes and a no is stark.  Say yes and you’re the super cool dad everyone wishes they had.  Say no and you become a strict monster dad quicker than an angry Hulk turns green and supersizes. So I start the dreaded dialogue, which plunges my dadshares into free fall and transforms my daughter’s sunny disposition into what I imagine Darth Vader would look like without the mask.  The conversation is not fun and all my dadpoints seem so lame.  Don’t you trust me?  Ouch. Yes my precious I do trust you it’s the other people going that I don’t trust. But all my friends are going! Just because most people do something doesn’t mean it’s right.  What’s the big deal dad? Well..  . This is not easy stuff.  I want her to be happy. I delight in her happiness, and I love to see her thriving. There is very little I wouldn’t do to give her all her heart desires. And I want her to like me.  I much prefer pleasant banter in the car on the way to school than stony silence and death ray glares. I REALLY do.  But there is much more at stake here. Although it’s probably not quite the seething-mass-of-drunken-hooligans-chanting-satanic-slogans-in-a-lust-crazed-stupor-with-enough-steaming-vials-of-rohypnol-to-sterilise-a-herd-of-wild-horses that it may seem to my overly protective dadmind; it is still an unsupervised two-day party where alcohol will flow liberally, boys will be boys, no doubt some drugs will be on offer and where my daughter would be exposed to the kind of stuff that I do not want her to experience quite yet. The situation is not made any easier by my son’s poignant observation that strict dads make sneaky kids. Thanks my boy! Setting appropriate boundaries is one of the most difficult things to do as a dad. But in a world where the average song contains more squawking birds and buzzing bees than an entire forest did when we were growing up it is also one of the most important things to do.  We need to fight for our daughters.  We need to equip them with the skills and awareness to handle what life will throw at them and release them into the world at a pace which matches their readiness to deal with it. The truth is I do trust my daughter.  Completely.  She is a sensible, grounded and mature young lady. But I never want her to be in a situation where she is in danger or compromised in any way.  The time will come, sooner than perhaps I would like, when she will have to face the many challenges and subtle and not-so-subtle dangers that life never fails to dish up. But when she does I want her to be ready and I will do everything I can to make sure she is. She matters, her life matters; she is of great value and profound importance to me, and it’s my job as her father to love, nurture, provide, protect, teach and equip her for life. It’s a few weeks since the showdown and Darth Vader has slowly made way to sweet seventeen. Conversation has evolved from malevolent silence and monotone one-worders to almost full sentences and though she doesn’t quite laugh at my jokes yet she does smile. My dadshares haven’t reached their previous high but as any good investor knows you have to take a long term view and the life I’m investing in is worth more than anything Wall Street could ever offer.  I’m not here to be popular; I’m here to be dad. And dad I will be. To the most precious young woman in the world.

The Headache Clinic

Teen stress a strong risk factor for headaches

Stress has a dire impact on the quality of modern life, and this is sometimes amplified in a teenager’s life. Often pressures from school, home, friends, and physical changes during this highly self-aware period can lead to anxiety and the latest research also suggests it can even have an impact on the frequency of headaches teenagers get. A recent study, published in Paediatric Neurology, aimed to describe the relationship between risk factors, such as stress, depression and anxiety, and potentially protective factors against paediatric headache-related disability. It found that stress is “the strongest risk factor for headache-related disability”. The study was a cross-sectional survey among adolescents seen in an academic neurology clinic, who were reporting four or more headaches monthly. Among the 29 participants, the average age was 14.8 years with a ratio of 31% male and 69% female. The average headache frequency was 11.6 per month and the most commonly reported trigger was stress (86% of the participants reported stress). Headache disability was assessed using the six-item Headache Impact Test (HIT-6) (which is a validated assessment of the functional impact of headaches for both migraine and TTH in adults and has been used in adolescent as well as adult headache populations). Reducing headaches, reducing depression “Depression is a well-known predictor of moderate to severe headache-related disability among adolescents,” says Dr. Elliot Shevel, South Africa’s migraine surgery pioneer and the medical director of The Headache Clinic,  “but contrary to the belief of many doctors, depression does not cause headaches, it is in fact the other way around. A headache attack alters the sufferer’s mood due to the pain, and constant pain is one of the most important causes of depression. Therefore chronic headache and migraine pain is often a major contributor to chronic depression.” “Another study has shown that  adolescents who missed more school due to headache had higher depression scores and lower academic performance than students who missed less school.” According to Shevel the most effective way to reduce the depression linked to headaches is to find the cause of the pain and treat that. “If you get rid of the pain, the depression in most cases will become less or go away.” He adds that it is important to differentiate between stress and depression. In this case stress can result in headaches, which then in turn can result in depression. “Stress is one of the biggest triggers for headaches as stress causes muscle tension, and muscle tension is one of the primary causes of headache pain. Although its advised, its usually hard to avoid stress (which is the trigger), so at least the muscle tension (which is the underlying cause) can be safely and effectively treated.”

Edublox - Reading & Learning Clinic

Reading, ‘riting and ‘rithmetic – How does your child measure up?

The three R’s of learning are reading, ‘riting and ‘rithmetic. The question for all parents is, how do their children measure up in these three crucial areas? “A child’s ability to read, write and do arithmetic (maths) sets the foundation for their academic success, and impacts their potential for future accomplishments across-the-board,” says Susan du Plessis, Director of Educational Programmes at Edublox. “Some learners cannot read but can write and others struggle to do maths but can read easily – it is crucial for a child to have all three foundational learning skills in place.” In the classroom, reading is king; it is crucial for learning and achieving throughout the school career and into university. The benefits of reading, however, stretch far beyond the classroom. “Reading will help your child learn new words and build his vocabulary, expand their general knowledge, help them to concentrate better and focus on one task. Modern kids are so bombarded with sound, light and movement from electronic gadgets, that reading is actually relaxing for the brain,” says du Plessis. Similar to reading, putting pen to paper and writing in our instant and technological age of emails, texts and tweets stimulates the brain*. “Writing fires up the brain as children not only learn to read more quickly when they first learn to write by hand, but they also remain better able to formulate ideas and recall information,” explains du Plessis. The final and equally important aspect of laying a strong foundation for a child’s academic performance is ensuring sound mathematical understanding and thinking. “People are easily misled to believe that mathematics is not a prerequisite for a successful career, however, whether in science, business, or even in our day-to-day living, we cannot escape the use of numbers,” explains du Plessis. A child’s ability to do read, write and do maths depends on a number of cognitive skills such as attention span, visual and auditory perception, sequential and working memory and logical thinking. “Make sure that these skills have been well developed,” urges du Plessis, and shares easy tips for parents looking to help their child excel in the three R’s of learning: Reading Parents of young children should read to them as often as possible. “Teaching your child nursery rhymes is a great way to stimulate the brain and improve memory,” says du Plessis. “Research has shown that knowledge of nursery rhymes among three-year-olds is a significant predictor of pre-reading skills later on, even after the child’s IQ and their mothers’ educational levels are factored out,” says du Plessis. If your child is having trouble learning to read, the best approach is to take immediate action. Ninety-five percent of poor readers can be brought up to grade level if they receive effective help early on. The longer you wait to get help for your child who has reading difficulties, the harder it will be for them to catch up later on. Do not rely on computer programs to address your child’s reading problems. “Research has proven that computer reading programs cannot solve reading difficulties,” says du Plessis. When your child is a good reader, however, technology can be used to broaden their horizons and teach them to speed read. Writing Have some fun and crumple papers with your child! This will help improve their fine motor skills, making writing easier and their handwriting neater. Use A4 size scrap paper – give your child one sheet of paper in each hand. They must then simultaneously crumple both papers into tight balls. It is important that each hand strictly does its own work. Ensure that your child sits with their hands wide apart, so that one hand cannot offer any help to the other. As part of the game, they are not allowed to press their hands against their body or on any other object, like a table. Make sure they crumple at least three sheets of paper per hand, per day. Other exercises that will help to improve hand strength, which ultimately leads to better handwriting, is to throw and catch beanbags and to squeeze stress balls. Arithmetic (Maths) Make sure that your child can count fluently, forwards as well as backwards. Thereafter, skip counting should be introduced. Skip counting – counting odd or even numbers only – is important in the development of fluency in calculation, number sense and as the basis of multiplication and division. There is much in maths that one simply has to know and therefore has to learn, for example many terms, definitions, symbols, theorems and axioms. Make sure that your child knows the words for different shapes, for example. If they do not know what a sphere is, they will have to guess when confronted by twelve different objects in a test situation. “It is crucial that parents understand that the sooner their children receive the necessary guidance and tools enabling them to successfully read, write and do maths, the sooner they will able to learn more effectively and efficiently,” concludes du Plessis.   *Asherson, S. B. 2013. The Benefits of Cursive Go Beyond Writing [Online] Available from: http://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2013/04/30/should-schools-require-children-to-learn-cursive/ the -benefits-of-cursive-go-beyond-writing

Harassed Mom

Raising a teenager is a strange beast

Raising a teenager is strange beast. It’s not like watching your sweet baby morph into a tantrum throwing toddler or your toddler transform into a reading and writing little boy. It’s like watching the transformation of Hulk in 3D in your home. You know it’s going to happen, you can see it happen but when that big green monster is standing there you are completely unsure of what the heck just happened. Your sweet child transform physically, they grow, a lot and often if you have a boy, you suddenly find yourself looking up at them. There cute little toddler voices are replaced with gruff, deep guttural sounds. They smell a little funky, they look at you like really have no business being alive. It takes a fair amount of adjusting but you don’t really have that kind of time because it happens overnight, no really it does!!! Communication is one of the biggest things teen moms struggle with because there is often is none! There are times though you do need to find out what’s going on, here’s a few ways to make it easier for you both. Ask the right questions. If you are how their day was, you will probably get “fine” so rather ask “Any rugby matches this week” or “Anything I need to sign”. You may still get a yes/no but at least you are gathering information. Don’t push. If you insist on them telling you how their day was or what’s going they will probably shut down more, ask and let them know you will be there to listen when they are ready. Listen when they don’t know you are listening. If they are with friends, don’t eaves drop but if they are sitting where you are, listen to what they are talking about, find something that you can talk to them about later – like a movie they are into or a singer or even a style of clothing. Accept where they are. Just because your teenager doesn’t want to sit and shoot the breeze with you doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It just means they are muddling their way through their life at the moment. They are figuring out who they are and how they fit into the world. Give them the space to do that! But remember to never stop communicating. Even if it is hard and they reply in grunts and one words, never stop talking to them. Your teenager needs to know you are always there for them, even when they don’t want you to be. So keep asking, keep talking, keep reminding them that you are there. Like with potty training, teething and sleepless nights, this is just a phase. Your teen will grow up, they will start talking to you again. If one thing in parenting is constant it is that everything changes all the time.

Hilary Smith

Digital Parenting Challenges

Do you remember gathering all the baby books and magazines you could find to read up on how to care for your baby and toddlers? The library and bookstore shelves were stuffed full of the newest feeding methods and sleeping approaches. We poured over every detail from burping techniques to swaddling methods, but what we didn’t expect to expect was the prevalence of digital technology in our children’s near future. Most of our preparations never mentioned social media or Smartphone technology. While our devices offer us amazing benefits with instant communication, easy access to information, and gps technology, this abundance can be overwhelming for modern parents when it comes to raising children. As we struggle to make sense of what our children are digitally up to, we can find ourselves questioning what they are really doing on their devices for hours and hours at a time. We understand that they are playing games, sending messages, snapping selfies, and streaming videos. These handheld luxuries offer endless entertainment and ways to communicate, but lurking behind the glow of the screens are a myriad of dangers many children and parents might not consider. Understanding Technology And Our Children Unfortunately, these hazards cover a wide variety of pitfalls from cyberbullying to oversharing to sexting to online predators. The list could probably go on and on, but these are four of the biggest problems facing our youngest digital natives. Only recently have these topics became real parenting challenges gaining national attention with daily negative headlines, which is why many of us are left wondering what to do when it comes to children and technology. It’s essential that we consider a recent study’s shocking revelation that cyberbullying rates have tripled. The authors of the study acknowledge that 87 percent of our kids have either been victimised or witnessed, which is up dramatically from around 28 percent a few years ago. For parents, this can be devastating to digest, because we understand the links between bullying and increased chances for suffering from depression, high anxiety levels, and thoughts of suicide. If cyberbullying isn’t enough to worry, we need to consider that sexting is now considered a normal part of development. This trend might not expose a child to actual sex dangerous like pregnancy or disease, but sexting can lead children down a dangerous path. Minor children who send or receive a sext can potentially be charged by the authorities for possessing or distributing child pornography. It doesn’t matter if the act is consensual, it is seen by the law as a felonious act. To compound these matters, sexting can open our kids up for exploitation, bullying, relationship abuse, and shaming. 6 Popular Apps To Be On The Lookout For Coming to the conclusion that our children may be behaving badly online is disheartening, but we also need to consider that a majority of our sons and daughters, 70 percent in fact, hide their digital activity from us. Staying on top our children’s activity can be daunting, especially after the mass exodus of our teens from popular social media sites we frequent, like Facebook. To help you understand what apps and sites our children are using for a combined average of six or more hours each day of screen time, we have compiled a list of # trending apps that should be on our radar: Snapchat Whisper Dubsmash Instagram Ask.fm Burn Note  How To Speak To Children About Digital Challenges To help us conquer digital parenting challenges, please read the following suggestions to help communicate with children and teens about problems they may face: Start a discussion regarding the importance of balancing technology in our everyday lives. Instil a sense of social media etiquette in young children and add to this foundation as a child ages. Use the “grandma rule” and only post items that they feel comfortable with Nanna stumbling across. Reclaim family time and events to offer plenty of time for communication. Make an effort to just listen and hear what they are saying. Reinforce good behaviour and choices. Let them know you appreciate their judgment. Develop a contract that states technology expectations and consequences as a family. Actively monitor a child’s cell phone and online activity. Know their friends, what sites they visit, and drop in from time to time on their social media profiles. Avoid lecturing and belittling children about social media and technology use. Lead with a good example!

Parenting Hub

Grade 9’s: Don’t leave subject choice decisions to the last minute

Grade Nines preparing to enter their final phase of schooling next year will in coming months be expected to select the subjects that will see them through to matric. But that decision is too important to shelve away until the time comes, an expert says, and it should already be top of mind for learners who want to give themselves the best chance for success in Grade 12 and beyond. “Towards the end of the year, Grade 9-learners will be given the opportunity to select which subjects they will take in their last three years of school and be tested on during the National Senior Certificate Exams in 2019,” notes Nola Payne, Head of Faculty: Information and Communications Technology at The Independent Institute of Education, SA’s largest and most accredited private higher education institution. “It is an exceptionally hard choice to make, and many factors need to be taken into consideration,” says Payne, adding that these choices will have a profound impact on the qualifications to which learners will have access and, as a result, the careers they will be able to follow. “Choosing subjects should not be based on a gut feel or a kneejerk towards easier subjects. They must be chosen very carefully, and only after proper research about the implications of choosing certain subjects and not others. The best way to go about making subject choices later this year, is to immediately start considering one’s options constantly, and refining them in the coming months. “This is one of the first opportunities learners of this age will have to practice strategic decision-making that will have a major impact on their lives. It should be looked at as an exciting first step into their future as adults, and also a valuable learning tool.” Payne says the process can be made much less intimidating by sticking to the following guidelines: ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO STUDY? THEN STUDY UP ON ENTRANCE REQUIREMENTS. If you are clear about what you want to do, check out the websites of both public and private higher education institutions to verify their requirements, and let that guide your subject choices. Very importantly, look at a range of different institutions and courses within your field to allow yourself some choice and a Plan B after matric. DON’T KNOW? THEN LEAVE AS MANY OPTIONS AVAILABLE AS POSSIBLE. Those who are not yet sure about their future direction should choose subject combinations that will leave them with options and room to manoeuvre later, including Maths and Science. Learners who struggle with precisely these subjects, should consider keeping only one of them to focus their efforts.  And Maths Literacy should only be considered as a last resort, Payne says. CONSIDER WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. As you spend time at your desk every day, going from class to class, and completing your homework, be alert to which subjects make you come alive a little more than others. Determine which subjects mirror your interests and career dreams, and include them. And carefully research how your favourite subjects manifest in the working world, as you may potentially have more – and more interesting – options than you are currently aware of. CONSIDER WHAT YOU ARE GOOD AT. Choose at least two subjects in which you can do really well. Admission to higher education is performance-based, so it makes sense to do very well in some subjects rather than badly in all of them because you chose only gateway subjects. DON’T SELL YOURSELF SHORT. You may think you won’t stand a chance of getting good sufficient grades to enter higher education post matric. But remember that the South African National Senior Certificate has four levels of pass. While one of them is the degree pass, you could also qualify for diploma or higher certificate study. These two qualifications, which are normally vocationally or career-focused, could give you access straight to the world of work and even degree study if you wanted to do it later. There are also options in public and private FET Colleges, or you may even be entrepreneurial and want to start your own business. “The key to making the best subject choices for your future self is to ensure you do your research thoroughly, and at a comfortable pace so you don’t have to rush the decision. Don’t leave it until the end of the year, when you might be tempted to just tick the same boxes your friends are ticking, and in the process set yourself up for frustration and disappointment,” says Payne.

Parenting Hub

Swimming – An all year activity with excellent health benefits

I have been teaching swimming for 10 years with about half of them being in the UK and the last 5 years here in Cape Town. I am always surprised by South- Africans’ attitudes to swimming in terms of its role as an all year sport and activity. We are extremely blessed by the amazing weather in our country. A common misconception is that we should only swim when the sun is shining; this is only true for outdoor pools. The effective heating and covering of swimming pools allow this excellent sport to be enjoyed all year round in comfort. For those of you who remain sceptical, I have put together some of the great advantages of swimming all year. Do remember though, as long as your baby, your children and you are dressed warmly on the way to and from lessons in a heated indoor facility of course, there should be no reason to stop your swimming lessons. Swimming is a fun way to encourage your child to do physical exercise With the colder winter months approaching we all have the tendency to become less active. The rainy weather does stop most of us from spending prolonged periods outside, riding our bikes or going for a walk. Going swimming in an indoor, heated environment provides the perfect shelter from the outside elements. Taking your child to a 30 minute swimming lesson, once or twice per week is no doubt a fun and energetic activity that they love. Swimming is a great form of exercise, because it offers the swimmers a full body workout with very low impact on their joints – “To be swim fit is the best fit!” Swimming develops the whole child Not only is swimming a great way to get physically fit, swimming has also been proven to encourage intellectual and emotional development. According to a scientific study at the German Sports College, Cologne (1979) children that swim all year round fared better academically, particularly in problem solving skills. The good news however doesn’t end there. A four year Early Years swimming Research project (with 45 swim schools in Australia, New Zealand and the USA) found that children younger than 5 who had swimming lessons were more advanced in their cognitive and physical development. The researchers in Melbourne went on to find that the children in this study also had higher IQ’s. Still not convinced? According to Art Kramer (2009) at the University of Illinois and Pittsburgh, exercise helps a persons’ memory, which in turn leads to greater learning potential. In their study they found that people who were fit had a larger hippocampus than those less fit. Swimming enhances brain development in babies and people with special needs. The benefits of swimming for babies and children with special needs are vast. I will cover these in another article, but I thought it would be important to touch on just one of these benefits here. According to a study conducted at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology by Dr Hermundur Sigmundson (2010) it was concluded that even the youngest swimmers were better at balancing and grasping. Working with children with cerebral palsy, downs syndrome and autism, I have also witnessed a vast improvement in these skills after just a relatively short time in the pool. One of the reasons for this is because being in water exposes babies and children with special needs to tactile stimulation of the nerve pathways. Water has over 600 times the resistance of air, so just moving through water is already stimulating. Dr Ruth Rice (1979) found in her research that children learn significantly through touch and the texture of different objects – also known as tactile sensory development. It was proven that this stimulation leads to “significant gains in neurological and mental development.” Swimmers have better social skills It is hardly surprising, having read the previous studies, that swimming will enhance your social skills. Looking at the same study by the German sport college, Cologne, swimmers displayed more self-discipline and have better self-esteem which made them more comfortable in social situations. It was also found by Dr Liselott Diem (1980) that children who had taken swimming lessons from 2 months to 4 years old could adapt to new social situations more easily, because they had more confidence in social settings. Swimming help teach children to take turns, listen, share and cooperate. All necessary skills in social environments. Swimming improves your immune system Contrary to the erroneous belief that your child will be more ill in the winter months if they keep on swimming, swimming will in actual fact improve your child’s immune system. Every time your little one goes under the water it triggers a reflex called the diving response. This is when the body – “starved of oxygen” pumps oxygen rich blood to the vital organs, namely the heart, lungs and brain.  This means the vital organs get stronger which helps us cope better with common illnesses. It was actually proven in a study that swimmers have vital organs 20 years younger than their actual age. Swimming reduces your child’s risk of drowning This is the most important reasons for taking your child to swimming lessons, but I sometimes think we get so hung-up on this fact, we miss some of the other great benefits as listed earlier. Swimming is a life-skill and all children should be able to swim. No questions asked. No baby is born not liking water, so when your little one cries for the first few lessons, there is usually another reason for this. A good swimming teacher will look for a way to make your little one feel comfortable and look forward to coming to lessons. Gone are the days of the “Just throw them in!” attitude, as this can do more harm than good. Conclusion:  Swimming is a fun and potentially lifesaving activity, with a wide range of health and social benefits. Don’t dismiss this sport and activity because of our

Ati2ud

When You Need to Pick Yourself Up

Sometimes life doesn’t go according to plan. You have this idea about something that you want to do or achieve, and you put all your focus, effort and energy into it, and then, boom! – it backfires, leaving you with waves of thoughts of ‘what if’s’ and an aftermath of emotions to deal with. This has happened to me a few times. My plan didn’t go according to plan, which left me with a “now what?” situation. I did not think things wouldn’t go according to plan. In fact, I thought it was a done deal I was that confident about the situation. So what does one do when faced with this scenario? Well, you stop looking back. You stop over analyzing. You stop asking yourself ‘what if’? You pick yourself up, you forgive yourself and you focus on moving forward. The greatest growth comes from the insights you get from these experiences. How you apply this new found knowledge is what moves your forward instead of keeping you stuck in the past. Quick exercise When you find yourself in a situation like this, ask yourself these questions: How badly did I want this goal in the first place? Did I do the best I could in this situation? Was there anything I could have done differently? Would the outcome have been different if I took this action? What will achieving this goal do for me? How will it make me feel? Is it worth the sacrifices I need to make to get it? What do I need to do to achieve this goal going forward? Reflection time Failure is not final – it’s feedback. It’s a second chance to start over and to do things differently. It gives us wisdom and experience. It gives us insight and knowledge. It gives us the ability to dig deep within ourselves and to tap into our inner knowing and being. It guides us to look at a situation from a different perspective. Knowing the answers to these questions assists us to make better decisions and to discern whether these goals are in line with our divine truth.

Prima Toys

Introducing Little Tikes

Little Tikes is a range of toys for indoor and outdoor play that will entertain your child while helping them to develop their mind and imagination. Little Tikes is committed to making safe, quality and durable fun toys for children across a variety of age groups, from baby to toddler to older children. The toys encourage discovery and learning through active, creative and social play and provide countless hours of fun. The toys also encourage kids to get up and play outside. Encourage your young one to get up and play, swing, bounce, ride and more with Little Tikes products. From outdoor sets to role-playing toys, boys and girls will enjoy hours of fun. Little Tikes has products for children as young as six months – they are perfectly created for little hands and tough enough to endure being chewed, hit and thrown about! Little Tikes toys help your child grow and grow with your child! Little Tikes Ball Chase Octopus The Little Tikes Ball Chase Octopus is a colourful toy that gets baby moving through fun and unpredictable ball play. The toy spins and releases balls, encouraging baby to crawl, chase and play again. It helps to develop gross and fine motor skills, the understanding of cause and effect and also encourages balance and coordination. It is suitable for babies six months and older. Little Tikes Discover Sounds Kitchen This fun play kitchen playset is an ideal baby and toddler toy. With lights, sounds, colours and shapes, this playset will captivate and entertain your little one. The Discover Sounds Kitchen has been designed to help develop visual perception, fine motor skills and cognitive processes. Plus, it’s a really fun toy to play with that is highly interactive. It features shape sorting, lights and sounds and encourages put and take play.  What’s more the refrigerator, oven and microwave doors open and the stove burner makes a sizzling sound when baby puts a pot on it. If a pot is put on the blue burner it makes a boiling sound. Baby can also push on the “springy” play toast and watch it pop up! There is also a shape-sorter on the refrigerator! The Little Tikes Discover Sounds Kitchen is the ideal toy that will bring baby joy until well into his toddler years. Suitable for six months plus. Little Tikes Count and Play Register This toy cash register is perfect for toddlers and pre-schoolers. Kids can learn colours and shapes through matching. What’s more, this learning toy is just the right size to help develop fine motor skills and foster an understanding of simple cause and effect. The Count ‘n Play Cash Register will help stimulate imagination and inspire creativity. While playing children learn to match colours, size and numbers. Drop the coins into the slots and swipe the credit card to drop the coins into the drawer. Kids pull down on the handle to open the cash drawer. Suitable for ages two and up. Kids will love it! Little Tikes toys are ideal learning while playing toys that will help your child develop fine and gross motor skills while learning about the world around them. Visit your local toy store or retailer and browse the exciting Little Tikes range that will inspire, motivate and excite your child.

Parenting Hub

Let Baby Sleep Close to your Heart

A happy and contented baby is a baby who cries little and sleeps well.  Carrying your baby close to your heart, especially in the first few weeks provides a gentle way for baby to transition from the calm environment of the womb to that of the outside world.  Carrying your baby in the Hugseez Baby Wrap Carrier, allows baby to hear their mother’s heartbeat creating a sense of safety and security for baby. It is well recorded that in cultures where babies are held almost constantly, they are typically in a quiet alert state, rarely cry and fuss much less.  The closeness and the constant movement is most effective in reducing fussing and inducing calmness in baby. In the first few weeks, parents find themselves with so much more to do, and using the Hugseez Baby Wrap Carrier is a very practical solution for both parent and baby.  You can regain control over your day and use of both hands while keeping your little one sleeping close to your heart.  Being able to see baby all the time, alleviates the stress of worrying about SIDS as well as giving you enhanced insight into what makes your baby sleep better. It’s really interesting to note that mothers who routinely use a baby carrier, may be more likely to successfully breastfeed.  The close contact between mom and baby can help mom pick up on important feeding cues from baby and help with maintaining prolactin and oxytocin levels – important in the production and release of milk.  What’s great about the Hugseez Baby Wrap Carrier is that it allows you the privacy to feed baby discreetly when out and about. There are many more benefits to a baby wrap carrier and some of these are : Helps reduce acid reflux through propping baby upright Safer and easier on your back than simply carrying baby in your arms Great for baby’s physical and mental development Assists with bonding process Better brain development Better emotional development Promotes intimate connection between parent and baby If you haven’t yet purchased your Hugseez Baby Wrap Carrier, we strongly recommend that you visit out website on www.babylegends.co.za to make your choice and keep your baby sleeping close to your heart.

Parenting Hub

Why It Pays To take Grade 11 As Seriously As Matric

Throughout one’s school career Grade 12 – Matric – is viewed as the ultimate year, the year in which you have to account for what you learned in the decade before, and the year whose results will follow you for the rest of your life. But what learners and parents don’t realise, is that Grade 11 can arguably be considered as important, if not more so, than one’s final year, an education expert says. “There are at least five reasons why Grade 11 learners should take this year very seriously, and put as much effort into it as they will next year,” says Dr Felicity Coughlan, Director of The Independent Institute of Education, SA’s largest and most accredited private higher education provider. She says the penultimate school year is a significant one because it provides: 1)      INSURANCE “The effort you put into Grade 11 can be considered as insurance should something go awry in the future,” says Dr Coughlan. “There are an increasing number of institutions that make provisional offers based on your Grade 11 results, and many will still admit you even if your Grade 12 is a little less strong. But if your results in Grade 11 are weak, you have nothing to fall back on.” 2)      EXAM FOCUS Teachers set Grade 11 exams to mimic the format and complexity of grade 12, says Dr Coughlan. “That means that taking your Grade 11 exams seriously will help you understand how you are doing and how ready you will be for your final exams. It helps you to work out where you need to apply more focus. “This year’s exams provide a measure of where you are, and should be treated as part of your preparation for your finals.” 3)      OPPORTUNITY TO EXPERIMENT Dr Coughlan says that Grade 11 allows some time for experimenting before crunch-time arrives. “Learn new study methods and stress management methods, and experiment with things you have not done before, like study groups and mind maps. Finding a variety of study techniques and approaches that work for you will allow you to enter Grade 12 with a revision system that will make you perform at your best.” 4)      OPPORTUNITY TO TEST TIMING If you keep good track of how long it takes you to master different kinds of work, that will allow you to draw up an accurate study plan next year. “Knowing your pace of work means you will be able to revise with enough time allocated right from the start, so that you don’t run out of days before you run out of work to revise.” 5)      A CHANCE TO CAREFULLY EVALUATE POST-MATRIC OPTIONS Assessing their Grade 11 results and performance empower learners to make better decisions about their post-school direction, including about which options are available to them, what courses to apply for and where. “Learners should start working out their ‘points’ for higher education entrance from Grade 10,” says Dr Coughlan. “This means they should thoroughly research the courses they want to study and the results they need for their application to be accepted. In Grade 11, learners are then able to monitor how realistic their aspirations are and where they need to do more work, which will reduce uncertainty when applying.” Matric does not start in your last year of school, Dr Coughlan says. “Matric is not a year-long event, but rather a two-year long project. If you start applying your mind to your final exams right now and take the long view coupled with a strategy, you will be able to deliver your absolute best when you sit for your finals in a year and a half’s time, and significantly improve your chances of being able to follow your dream post-Matric.” Notes: The Independent Institute of Education (IIE) is the largest, most accredited registered private higher education institute in South Africa. It has a history in education and training since 1909, and its brands – Rosebank College, Varsity College, Design School Southern Africa (DSSA) and Vega – are widely recognised and respected for producing workplace-ready graduates, many of whom become industry-leaders in their chosen fields. The IIE offers a wide range of qualifications, from post-graduate degrees to short courses, on 20 registered higher education campuses across South Africa.

The Headache Clinic

The Relation between stress and Headache/Migraine

We all lead busy lives. Between going to work and picking up the children from school, it’s no wonder our stress levels are on the rise. But can the stress in your life actually cause you to have more headaches and migraines? According to a recent study there is enough evidence to show there is an association between stress intensity and headache frequency. The study, that was published in Cephalalgia, the official journal of the International Headache Society, was conducted on a population-based sample of 5159 participants between the ages of 21 and 71 years. They were asked quarterly between March 2010 and April 2012 about the presence of headaches and stress in their lives. The association between stress intensity – measured on a modified visual analog scale (VAS) from 0 to 100 – and headache frequency (days/month) were determined and adjusted for sex, age, frequent intake of acute pain drugs, drinking, smoking, BMI and education. Log-linear regression in the framework of generalized estimating equations was used to estimate regression coefficients presented as percent changes were used to determine this. Dr. Elliot Shevel, a South Africa’s migraine surgery pioneer and the medical director of The Headache Clinic, says the study clearly shows a link between increased stress and the frequency of headaches. “Tension-type headaches (TTH) was reported in 31% participants, migraine in 14%, migraine with coexisting TTH (MigTTH) in 10.6%, 23.6% were unclassifiable, and 20.8% had no headache”. “In participants with TTH an increase of 10 points on VAS was associated with an increase of headaches days/month of 6.0%”. Higher effects were also observed in younger age groups and slightly lower effects were observed for migraine and MigTTH. When do I consult with a medical professional about my migraines? “People should not leave a migraine untreated,” says Shevel. “It is imperative that you undergo a multidisciplinary investigation to diagnose the specific factors behind the recurring headache. Yours might be stress-related, but it is important to undergo a thorough examination.”

Baby Jakes Mom

Helping mommy, Helping baby

The first week after a baby is born is often referred to as ‘Hell Week’. You don’t know how often your baby will be crying, feeding, sleeping or requiring that all important clean diaper. Mommy is still possibly in loads of pain, especially if she had a caesarean, so it is important that daddy lends a hand. The problem with this is of course that daddy’s are ignored for the most part during the pregnancy. Almost every blog or group dedicated to babies are centred on what mommy is feeling, how mommy can cope with the new baby and which resources mommy can use to assist with a new baby. A great example of this is a new mommy group that my fiancée belongs to. No men are invited to this group as they, “don’t know what it is like to raise a child”. This leads to daddy being unprepared for those ever important first week and possibly for a long time after that. Support from family and friends will also mostly focus on how to assist mommy and although I agree that mommy and baby are the two most important people from birth onwards, I feel that daddy’s should have more support as well. Daddies are under appreciated. Here are 3 easy to remember tips focused on what daddy can do the first few weeks to help both mommy and baby. Change as many diapers as possible: This may seem like a trivial point, but it is greatly important ion various levels. It gives mommy a break from changing which will improve her mood and frustration levels. This will in turn lead to a better and less stressful relationship between mommy and daddy. This is peak bonding time for daddy and baby. Make sure to make as much eye contact with baby as possible and explain each step of the process as you change their diaper. Baby will only recognise your face from about 4 weeks onwards but they can already recognise your voice. Feed baby when you can: Feeding baby is also a wonderful means of bonding with baby. This is made a lot more difficult when mommy is breastfeeding, but daddy can still be involved by burping baby. Skin contact is very important during this bonding time, so try and burp baby being shirtless but remember to have a cloth in between where her face might make contact with your skin. If you are at home after work and it is time for a feeding always volunteer to do the feeding and give mommy a rest. If baby is not sleeping through yet, this takes a while, daddy should give the feeding closest to bed time. If you usually go to bed at 23:00 and her feeding time is 23:30 let mommy go to bed if possible and do the feeding on your own. Mommy can then do the next feeding during the night and allow daddy to be well rested for work. Break the stigma:  The reason the stigma exists that men should not wash dishes, clothes, clean the kitchen, etc. is that men do not want to perform these tasks historically reserved for the women of the house. Newsflash!! Women also do not want to perform these tasks. Break the stigma. Washing dishes and giving the kitchen a scrub is a great way of giving mommy a rest. Mommy being rested leads to her being more relaxed, which means the baby is more relaxed. This leads to a less fussy baby that is easier for you as a daddy to bond with. Help yourself by helping mommy which in turn helps baby. Help with washing some of baby’s clothes. Nothing is more frustrating than changing baby and not finding anything that fits and is clean. Washing baby’s clothes can help daddy feel that he contributes to more than just a salary. Bonding with my baby and feeling that you contribute more than just a salary are two main things will keep you going through that first “Hell week”.  You feel a sense that you are also part of your baby’s life and making meaningful contributions to their wellbeing.

Mia Von Scha

Why I Decided To Homeschool

This was not the easiest decision I’ve ever had to make. I love my work. I love my kids. Not necessarily in that order. Making the decision to homeschool is not for everyone, and although I definitely thought it was for me, I knew it would involve some major changes both to my life and the rest of my family. So why did I do it? Let me start by saying we were on our 5th school by the time I pulled my kids out of the system. I finally had to admit that I was never going to find a school that I liked because I didn’t agree with school in general. At heart I am both a rebel and a non-conformist and I find the system in general oppressive to creativity, limiting to an above average child, draining on a child’s natural energy and love of learning, and on the whole unnatural (I really don’t believe that any child was designed to sit for 5 hours or more a day). On top of that I had some particular challenges to deal with, specific to my own children. Both my kids have what is clinically termed as “tactile defensiveness” but which I prefer to call being more attuned to your environment than everyone else! It means that they find certain textures and fabrics absolutely unbearable. School uniforms were a nightmare. My daughter cried at least once a day through the whole of Grade One just because the uniform was bothering her. And for the life of me I could not think of a good reason to give her as to why she had to wear it. Along with this heightened sensitivity comes an aversion to too much noise. A classroom is not the easiest place to concentrate for any child, but for one who struggles with excess noise it is virtually impossible. And to top it off, both my girls are particularly bright (they both score 3-5 years above their age group on all developmental assessments) and extremely creative. School is simply not set-up for the gifted child (and by the way, I see all children as gifted – it just takes someone with time and love to find out what their gifts are). They were bored and frustrated at having to continually work below their abilities. We were also unfortunate enough to encounter some very uninspired teachers along the way – teachers who have no intention of going the extra mile, who are not interested in finding out what the children’s values are and communicating to them in a way that will inspire them, who have lost their own love of learning and are slowly killing it in the children in their care. We did, of course, come across some amazing teachers too, but they were sadly in the minority. My kids, particularly the eldest, hated school. In Grade One! I personally loved school until I got to the higher grades, and I couldn’t imagine going through 13 years of hating a system and feeling there was no escape. I was lucky enough to know a few people already homeschooling and was able to see the joy and love of learning that had been reinstated in these homes, and I felt inspired. I figured that there was no way that I could do a worse job than some of the teachers we’d encountered, and at least whatever I did would be done with love. Of course, I am at an advantage. For a start, both my husband and I work for ourselves so we’re both fairly flexible. I’ve also studied both Child Psychology and Education as part of my BA degree. And I’ve trained in coaching which included a lot of information on how the brain works, how we process information, and more importantly how we learn. So although I didn’t have a teaching diploma, I did feel confident that I could make it work. Not that it’s brain-science, mind you. If you relax and allow your children to guide you they’ll surprise you with how eager they are to absorb their worlds. But it still wasn’t an easy decision. I had to completely overhaul the way that I work, as did my husband. We had an incredible learning curve trying to figure out what the curriculum was and how much of it we actually needed to adhere to. We had to teach ourselves to relax with complete uncertainty and an initial lack of structure. I’ve literally spent the last few months “unschooling” myself so that I can be open to how and what my children want to learn and fitting in with them instead of them having to fit in with some predetermined system. Has it been easy? No. Has it been worth it? To see my children wake up after having had enough sleep, to not have to rush them through breakfast and force them into uncomfortable clothes, to allow them the freedom to move and eat and play and laugh and talk and be natural children, and to see them blossoming into eager learners filled with joy and curiosity… I’d say yes, it has.

South African Divorce Support Association

Divorce Agreement… Divorce Agreement

When going through a relationship breakup, the two words, “Divorce” and “Agreement”, seldom go well together. The journey to signing the Divorce Agreement is fraught with stress and emotional uncertainty and inevitably leaves one feeling like they have lost all control over their life. In reality, the only thing you have control over, is yourself. So while you are trying to control the outcome of the divorce and your soon to be ex, you loose sight of the most important thing which needs to be managed, your emotions. As long as you are driven by hurt, sadness and anger, you will remain blinded by the fact that your impending divorce is in fact part of the solution. If you do not see it that way, the Divorce Agreement will be a Divorce “Dis” agreement, keeping you from moving forward and create a new future for yourself. In order to do so, keep track of the following: Take it a day at the time The divorce does not define who you are It takes 2 people to make a good relationship and so does it take 2 people to make a good divorce There is no resolution for your past. Your past cannot be changed. It is what it is. But today you can choose to make a better future A divorce is not about winning so loose the need to win Do not expect things from your soon to be ex, in the divorce, that did not happen in your marriage A divorce is an emotional process first and foremost So when it is time to sign your Divorce Agreement, accept that you are not letting your marriage go, but rather, you are accepting your reality as an opportunity for new beginnings and not as you thought it should have been

The Dad Journey

Why Dads Matter

A year after my divorce, my son Luke decided to come and live with me. At the age of 12 he was a big, strong boy, tall and solidly built. He played rugby, loved riding motor bikes and was a real boy in every way. Yet I also noticed a tenderness and vulnerability in him. More than that, there was a cry, a yearning for masculine nurture. For several weeks after moving in with me, Luke would creep into my bed late at night and just hold on to me tightly. It’s hard to explain what passed between us during those prolonged, poignant hugs, but it was profound and beautiful. I didn’t have to say anything; he was drawing substance from me, almost by osmosis. I was his rock, his anchor. I was the source of masculinity and strength for his developing manhood. No matter what I was experiencing inside, no matter what challenges I was facing, I was Luke’s dad and he needed me. He had questions that I needed to answer. His young developing masculine soul needed to draw from a man and that man was me, his father. This was a revelation to me. I realised how much my son needed me, and the impact that I as a father would have on him – for good or bad. I realised that there was a window of opportunity for me to give Luke what he needed and I realised that my willingness and ability to do this would quite possibly be the single biggest influence on his development as a man. Fatherhood matters deeply, profoundly and undeniably. Any man who becomes a father needs to take this responsibility-laced privilege very seriously. And this applies equally to girls and boys. The questions that my daughter Blythe needed me to answer differed slightly from Luke’s but she needed my presence, love and consistent input just as much as her brother did. Fathers are the most powerful and important men in their children’s lives. Every boy longs to be mentored by his father; every girl longs to be adored by her dad. A father is his daughter’s first romance and his son’s first hero. He is their first, most important experience of who and what a man is. What we expose our children to, and what we teach them through our lives, words, actions and interactions imparts to them their very sense of self, the inner fabric that will equip them for confidence and success or fear and failure. The words we share with them in their formative years become their inner voice as adults. Being the most important man in someone’s life is a privilege that comes with profound responsibilities. Your children will come to you to answer the deepest questions of their hearts. Throughout their developing years they will ask you a thousand times and in a thousand different ways to answer key questions about themselves that no-one else can answer quite like you can. Questions about their identity, their value, their validity. Your son will want to know what it means to be a man and whether he has what it takes. Your daughter will want to know if she is worth fighting for, if you delight in her. Answer well and you will lay an unshakeable foundation for your children’s emotional well-being and character. Answer badly or don’t answer at all and you will wound them and quite possibly set them up for a lifetime of emotional struggle. Every father influences the lives of his children forever. That’s a given. Whether this impact is for good or for harm is the choice every father has to make. Very few men set out to deliberately harm their children, yet most men struggle to give their children all they need, mainly because they didn’t receive what they needed from their own fathers. Most adults carry some hurt from their relationship with their fathers whether they are conscious of it or not. Some of these wounds are blatant and debilitating, such as when physical or sexual abuse has taken place, but most are subtle, caused by a father being absent, or present but not engaged; being emotionally unavailable or distant; not seeing, nurturing and validating; wanting their children to be something different to what they are; being too strict or too laissez-faire. The list is long. These wounds don’t destroy but they damage. They affect the ability of their children to be fully alive. They erode their self-esteem and subtly but significantly affect the important life choices they make as adults. Being a great father doesn’t just happen. It takes a deliberate commitment and consistent action. It cannot be outsourced or delegated; it must be handled personally. Just as a safe can only be opened by the key specifically designed for it, you as a father hold the key to unlock the potential in your child’s life. The wonderful thing about being a dad is that we all get to be a hero. Of course, this means that we have to live up to some pretty high expectations. But that’s okay, because every dad has it in him to be a hero to his children. And if we get it right we leave our children with a priceless gift. Impressed into their psyche and souls is the knowledge of a man as a strong, loving sanctuary, a place where there is safety and fun and affirmation. And they will live their lives out of this reservoir of grace and strength. Our sons are more likely to grow up honourable men, treating women with respect and caring for their own families. Our daughters are more likely to grow up as women of stature, making good choices and building strong families of their own. The world is crying out for men who will step up to the plate and be great fathers. And it’s not difficult, the two most important words in a dad’s lexicon are: “Be There”.

Parenting Hub

It’s Time To Live On Purpose

People have become more aware. We are beginning to realise that by not following the crowd like a group of Lemmings jumping off a cliff, our lives can have so much more meaning. We know instinctively that by allowing one day to follow the next, we are not living, we are only existing. In the media we read about living your purpose, your truth and a number of other catch phrases. So what does it really mean? In most instances, the writers of these articles or books are referring to finding out what you are passionate about and developing a plan to get yourself to a place where what you do for a living is in line with your passion. This is a fantastic idea and something everyone can strive for. What do you do if you haven’t “found your purpose”, if you are not quite there yet, can you still be living a purposeful life? Absolutely! But how, you may ask? Simply put, by living consciously. Living consciously means that you are present within your life at any given moment. You are not merely following routine out of habit. You definitely don’t have your head down living like any other hamster in the mill of life. Monday is no longer that dreaded day after the weekend. Every day of the week becomes fulfilling. Because you want it to be. This still doesn’t answer the question of “How” though. It’s all fine and well hearing about these concepts and wanting to strive towards living a more fulfilled life. However, our society as done a very good job of creating people who can fit into pre-prepared moulds. We have not been given the tools to live our lives. It’s time to break out! Start by taking the time to assess what your day look likes. Are you planning ahead? Do you know in advance what you need to achieve in your day? Are you simply falling into each day and hoping it works out? . And no, keeping everything in your head is not optimal. Find a mechanism that works for you to allow effective planning of your time. Whether it is an app on a smart phone or an “old fashioned” diary. On a weekly basis write down on specific days what you need to achieve. Be realistic with the time you allocate to tasks. Also remember to ensure that you allow for enough down time. Your company does not own you! Put everything into your daily schedule, from when you get up to when you go to sleep. Yes, most of your time is spent at work, however, you can choose to make it productive and interesting, or you can choose to hate it. It is all about the attitude that you choose to have. Now that you have your time sorted to get the day-to-day running smoothly, it’s time to dream. What else would you want to achieve with your life? Oh what’s that? You don’t have time to dream! Really? Have a look at your diary. What are you spending your time on? While it is good to occasionally “just veg”, this can become a habit and before you know it you are spending 20 or more hours a week watching tv. Sound familiar? Nothing is impossible to achieve, some things may simply take a little longer. Okay, a lot longer. You are probably going to have to develop different habits around what you do with your time. If you start today, you will be one step closer than yesterday. The most amazing feeling in the world is when you can look back on your day or week or month and see what you have achieved. It is even more amazing when you have actively chosen not to allow circumstances or people dictate how you view your life. Now I know that’s a big ask, because every now and then it feels as if all the wheels have come off. Don’t allow circumstance to force you in a direction not of your making. This will only mean that you are living according to someone else’s decisions and quite frankly, they are not taking your needs into account. By having written down what you want to achieve it makes it easier to focus when circumstances seem to be against you. Yes, sometimes the best laid plans don’t work out either. That’s ok. Regroup, re-access and amend your plan. Nothing is written in stone. The key to living on purpose is to take action. Without action, no idea, dream or plan will ever become reality. One small action step everyday is better than sitting back and thinking that you’ll start tomorrow or next week when circumstances are better. I know it sounds like a schlep. Yes, to make positive changes in your life does take work. With a bit of practice, conscious decisions become second nature, planning becomes easier, taking action a part of life, and pretty soon you find that you can not live your life in any other way. In a nut-shell, life becomes purposeful. Now give yourself permission to live life on purpose!

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