Advice from the experts
Parenting Hub

Every Dad Can Be a Hero

By using four simple, yet powerful steps from the Love and Logic Institute, parents can give their children the gifts of responsibility and self–esteem. With these gifts, dads will become heroes in their children’s hearts and Father’s Day will become a true celebration of love and respect. Get started now by using the following steps: Step 1: Show your kids how to make mistakes and solve them. Great dads (and moms) don’t try to be perfect. Instead, they allow their children to witness some of their small mistakes, show that they are human, and model what it looks like to be a good problem–solver. For example, on a cool evening, a wise dad might purposefully leave his jacket at home and say to his kids, “Oops! I forgot to bring my jacket. I’m chilly. I sure am going to remember it next time!” Step 2: Give your kids plenty of opportunities to make “affordable” mistakes. Love and Logic parents know that the consequences of mistakes grow more dangerous as their children grow older. Therefore, they hope and pray their youngsters will make plenty of small or “affordable” mistakes when they are young, when the “price tags” of these mistakes are small. For example, on another cool evening during the same week, dad might say to his kids, “We are leaving in 10 minutes. I’m going to treat you like big kids. How fun! You get to be in charge of remembering what you need to bring with you.” Step 3: If a mistake is made, provide a strong “dose” of empathy and hold your child accountable. Believe it or not, the parents who are loved and respected by kids provide firm consequences for mistakes or misbehavior. The most loved and respected dads (and moms) provide a strong message of caring or empathy before they deliver consequences. If a child forgets to bring his or her jacket, a Love and Logic parent might say very sincerely, “This is so sad. You forgot your jacket, and now you’re chilly. We can’t drive all the way home to get it. Hang in there. I love you.” Step 4: Give your children the same task again. The very next day, the same father might say, “We are leaving in 10 minutes. You again get to be in charge of remembering what you need to bring with you.” When parents give their children responsibility for the same task again, without nagging or reminding them of their previous mistakes, they send a very powerful message: “You are smart enough to learn from your mistakes!” It’s never too early or too late to give your children the gifts of Love and Logic. A father I know used these steps with his four–year–old daughter, Amy. He even picked the same decision – remembering one’s jacket. Little Amy forgot her jacket just once! The next evening, as they were preparing to leave for the grocery store, she looked at her father, smiled with pride, and exclaimed, “Daddy! I brought my jacket just in case I’m chilly!” Give Love and Logic a try and join thousands of parents who have discovered easy and effective ways to increase their children’s responsibility and raise self–esteem. Author: Dr. Charles Fay

March 29, 2017
Maz -Caffeine and Fairydust

Children and Sexual Curiosity

The famous human sexual response researcher, William Masters (1925 – 2001), an American gynaecologist, was known to play a game with newborn boys during delivery: ‘Can I get the cord cut before the kid has an erection?’ He often failed since most boys are born with a fully erect penis. He also observed that all baby girls lubricated vaginally in the first 4 to 6 hours of life, and that during sleep, spontaneous erections or vaginal lubrication occur every 80 to 90 minutes throughout our entire life span. Despite being born with sexuality as an inherent part of a child’s being, expressions of a sexual nature often leave parents with a feeling of discomfort and concern. ‘Sexual nature’ in this context refers to behaviour which includes touching, sexual identification, exploring one’s own body and those of others, sexual language, masturbation, and games or interaction which have sexual connotations. Although children vary in their interest in sexuality, they are all naturally curious about their own bodies and those of others. Investigative peeking games, which entail ‘you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine’, are quite natural and occur in 85% of children between the ages of 3 and 7. Rest assured that these games are considered normal and are viewed as non-sexual behaviour. Apart from playing peek-a-boo with others, it is also well known that girls discover their magic buttons of pleasure. A girl may become aware of a pleasurable sensation caused by the friction of her panty, riding on her bicycle, climbing ropes or trees or gently rocking or rubbing her teddy between her legs. ‘Masturbation’ is such a weighty word to use when talking about our innocent girls, and although polite society doesn’t freely discuss matters of such delicacy, we should realise that it is quite a natural, non-sexual occurrence. Her private enjoyment of self-stimulation should be viewed in the light and innocent character of all childish diversions. You may find that she masturbates when she is tired, bored or simply relaxing. Perhaps all we need to do is explain to our little darlings that it is a private matter, and as long as she doesn’t pick the supermarket, the neighbours’ Sunday barbeque or the beachfront for private playtime, all is well. To illustrate this principle, we have a lovely account of a father reading a bedtime story to his 20-month-old little girl. Sophie would sometimes enjoy her ‘happy wiggle’ as she relaxed and listened to the calm and comforting voice of her father. In these instances, her dad would pause and say, ‘Do you want to be alone, or do you want to hear the story?’ Although worried about Sophie’s behaviour at first, her parents found that once they had discussed this openly and told her it was something she should do in private, it stopped being such a big deal. Notably, Sophie was educated in a positive way without leaving her with feelings of guilt and shame. Well worth mentioning too is certain sexual behaviour that merits some reason for concern: this includes attempting or imitating sexual intercourse with a friend, dolls or soft toys; attempts to insert objects in her or a friend’s anus or vagina; oral-genital contact; demanding that others take part in explicit sexual activities, and obsessive self-stimulation. Based on the fact that these tendencies are uncommon in emotionally healthy children but common amongst children who have been victims of abuse, these deviances do need intervention from the adult. Please listen when the little ones talk about things that seem grown-up and removed from their frame of reference. They do not have the cognitive capabilities to talk about sexual acts unless they’ve experienced it. Symptoms of possible abuse include a change in behaviour which reveals anger, hostility, aggression or withdrawal, nightmares, bed-wetting and fear of the dark, regression to babyish habits, or displaying reticence towards or fear for a person or a situation. School grades and attention span may also be affected.

March 28, 2017
Parenting Hub

Step-Parenting

You fall in love with the perfect person; he is everything you want from a life partner. Sure he has a couple of kids, but that’s no big deal…right? Wrong. Raising step-children is not an easy task. So many aspects complicate the situation. Take roles for example; his kids already have a mother…so where do you fit in? Are you a friend, a parent, an outsider…? Expectations also play a huge role here: In your perfect world, you and your partner will function as a unit, with regards to disciplining, parenting and laying down the law. Here are a few questions regarding raising step-children: Is there any way one can prepare for step-parenting You can very definitely be more prepared for raising step-children. There is a lot of information available out there on the topic, so you can definitely read up about it quite a bit. Also you and your partner can help each other prepare for this new way of life, by making sure that you discuss your parenting plan together, making sure that expectations are similar and that you’re both on the same page regarding discipline or rules and so forth. Family counselling is also a good idea, so that you’re sure that you start off with the right foundation and expectations. Some step-parents tend to resort to “buying” the children’s love to make peace (if the kids are not fond of them). Is this advisable? There is nothing wrong with buying someone you care for a gift, but if your intention is to win favour with someone, this is not a good way of going about it; even more so if it’s a child, because you are going to make life quite difficult for yourself. The child could learn very quickly that he/she can manipulate you into buying stuff. Another problem here is; the child might have a totally different love language than giving gifts. In other words, the getting stuff might very well fall short and the child might not experience the love you are trying to show. Words of affirmation Acts of service Physical touch Quality time Gifts So it’s therefore very important to focus on rather building a stable relationship with the child, step by step. Does affection develop over time?  Very much so, yes. Remember that divorce is a very huge thing, even for us as adults, so imagine how a child might be experiencing this. Now mom or dad have someone new in their life, often times with other kids coming into the picture as well. This is huge and scary and there is a lot of uncertainty and insecurity surrounding this whole situation. It would be naive to think that everything is going to be great from the start. Give the child time to get to terms with all of this, and let the child set the pace.  What can I do as a parent to ensure that step – siblings get along? Number one in my opinion is to make sure that you as parents treat every person in the household in the same respectful manner. Secondly; be an example of what healthy and effective communication is; talk emotions rather than issues, listen intently, with the goal to understand each of the children if they come to you with a problem. Don’t choose sides and focus on a solution to the problem, rather than falling into the trap of playing the blame game  In your opinion, what are some on the biggest “DON’T’s” when it comes to raising step-children? Don’t try and be a buddy or a friend, Don’t try to replace the child’s biological parent. Don’t come in to hard or strong in the beginning, give the child some room to get used to the whole situation Don’t discipline your partner’s child, especially not in the beginning, you are not the parent so leave that to your partner. How do you build a solid relationship with your step-children? Remember again that building this relationship will take some time, so be patient. My suggestion would be to start off by simply observing and getting to know the child. Find out what his/her interests are and find something that you can do together. If you show interest and support and a willingness to try building the relationship, most children do come around, even though it might take some time.  

March 27, 2017
Mandy Rodrigues

Combating Stress and Taking Control of Your Fertility

In a fast paced world where people are constantly chasing time, deadlines, and are driven by the need to succeed, high levels of stress are common place. Medical research has shown time and again that chronic stress can have a negative impact on long-term health, but the implications on fertility and the ability to conceive are lesser known. However, recent literature and medical studies have shown that the reduction of stress can account for higher pregnancy rates. This is according to Mandy Rodrigues, a clinical psychologist specialising in fertility management at Medfem Clinic. Rodrigues suggests that the link between stress and fertility is multi-faceted. “Not only does stress inhibit the ability to conceive, but the constant disappointment of not being able to conceive compounds an individual or a couple’s stress levels,” says Rodrigues. “We know that stress has a direct impact on our physical health, which in turn has an impact on our fertility as well as the outcome of treatment,” adds Rodrigues. “We address a very specific type of stress called ‘Time Urgency Perfectionism Stress’. In simple terms this describes a person that is a perfectionist, is constantly chasing deadlines, and is experiencing exceptionally high levels of stress.” Dr Antonio Rodrigues, a fertility specialist at Medfem Clinic, adds that when an individual is continuously stressed, they secrete hormones that inhibit normal immune function and constrict the blood vessels, which in turn affects the body’s ability to conceive. “We recognised the link between stress and infertility about 14 years ago when we were seeing several patients that had a similar personality type,” he says. “Not only were these people extremely hard working, driven and self-confessed perfectionists, they also had other symptoms of stress including irritable bowel syndrome, spastic colon and chronic fatigue.” He explains that there is also a physiological cause, and that many of these patients tend to experience insomnia, bouts of depression, and a feeling of being out of control. Mandy Rodrigues says that there is also a difference between good stress and bad stress. “Most people are worried about normal daily challenges such as the economic situation and crime, but when it comes to the inability to conceive, we are talking specifically about people that are chronically stressed on a day-to-day basis,” she says. Studies have shown that the link between stress and infertility is quite significant with at least 30% of women being affected. Therefore, according to Mandy Rodrigues, not managing your stress might give you the same results as the next person, but managing your stress will give you a better than average chance of falling pregnant. “If we can encourage individuals to manage their stress their chances of falling pregnant are much higher.” Therefore managing stress is a definite component to treating infertility. “Changing your lifestyle is critical,” says Dr Antonio Rodrigues. “It not only increases your likelihood of falling pregnant but increases your longevity.” He explains that the same people who experience fertility problems during their 20s or 30s will have a higher risk of diabetes, conarary heart disease and cancer later on in life. “It’s all about eating properly, maintaining a moderate lifestyle, taking nutrients and managing your stress,” he adds. Another contributing factor is the stress of actually undergoing the treatment for infertility. “Recently published literature has indicated that the emotional reactions and consequences of infertility can be compared to those experienced in a post traumatic stress reaction,” says Mandy Rodrigues. “The woman or couple will experience a constant grieving cycle each month with reactions like shock, disbelief, bargaining, anger and depression. However, instead of acceptance, the couple faces a new cycle of hope again as the next cycle of treatment begins,” she says. “The causes of infertility and the processes one undergoes in diagnosing and subsequently treating infertility, have their own emotional and financial consequences for the individual and the couple. All of these have an impact on the individual and may result in depression, anxiety, helplessness and isolation.” An important suggestion for couples that are thinking of starting a family is to have a fertility plan, which maps out the stages in your treatment plan as well as possible options or reactions after each step has taken place. “This has an important psychological impact, because when people know what to expect, and they have a back-up plan, it offers them peace of mind,” says Dr Antonio Rodrigues, adding that this will also help to manage stress, and in turn promotes better results. “We conducted a study where the pregnancy rates for in vitro fertilisation in individuals that were properly managing their stress and these went up by 40%. The overall pregnancy rate in couples managing their stress was increased to 67% per cycle,” he says. Stress management really changes lives, not just in terms of treating infertility, but by actually creating long-term benefits. “We have had the opportunity to bump into some of patients whom we treated 10 years ago and it’s clear that effective stress management has actually improved their overall long-term quality of life,” concludes Mandy Rodrigues

March 26, 2017
Jenny Perkel

The Best Kept Secret

Having a baby is a beautiful and wonderful thing, but it can sometimes feel traumatic, depressing and frightening. A woman I know who has 3 grown up children and a grandchild on the way said to me, “everyone is so excited and happy when a 1st pregnancy is announced, but I just want to say, ‘oh shame, you poor thing…you have no idea what you’re in for…but of course I don’t say that…I just say, ‘congratulations and pretend to be delighted as well”. Lots of people will own up to the ‘best kept secret’ that babies are sometimes hard and parenthood – particularly motherhood can be grueling – at the same time, of course, as being the best thing in the world. SOME FACTS Women are more likely to become depressed in the first year after having a baby (and the last trimester in pregnancy) than any other time in their lives. 10-15% of mothers develop postnatal depression (pnd), and in developing countries and poverty stricken areas, the figures are much higher. Research has shown that 1/3 of Khayelitsha moms suffer from pnd. Suicide is the leading cause of maternal death in developed countries. The new father can also get depressed. Dads often feel left out and unwanted when babies come along. As a new mom, it’s so hard to feel frustrated, disappointed, confused, depressed and anxious when you’re expected to be blissfully happy. The media contributes to this problem by perpetuating a lie about motherhood and babies by publishing only pictures of young, beautiful, skinny, model mothers, and bouncy, smiley, contented babies. There are relatively few pictures in baby and parenting magazines of the graveyard shift, mothers looking and feeling like hell, trying to soothe an unhappy baby, trying to breastfeed a screaming baby who can’t seem to latch, etc. In the context of this fairy tale, idealized image of how motherhood and babies are supposed to be, the reality can feel like a huge let down. It can even feel like a betrayal. The Cape Town couple, Lisa Lazarus and Greg Fried co-wrote The book of Jacob which, unlike most other books about babies, is an honest, frank description of the hell they experienced during the first year of their son’s life. Although loads of people have loved this book and find it a huge relief that others too struggle with parenthood, Lisa and Greg have received hate mail from outraged readers who couldn’t bear the fact that these brave parents owned up to how hard it can be having a baby. In writing this book, they shattered the image of perfect, idealized babies and parents. The truth is that real babies can disappoint their parents sometimes …especially sick babies, colicky or refluxy babies, unplanned babies, high need babies who cry a lot and are irritable and difficult to soothe, babies who don’t feed well, and babies who are abnormal or handicapped in some way. It’s very disappointing when you realize that your baby can’t meet your own unmet needs and he won’t be everything you want him to be. In addition to this, motherhood goes hand in hand with a substantial number of significant losses, such as: your sense of self and aspects of your identity your own life takes a back seat and the level of self-sacrifice is very high your freedom and personal space and time your status and credibility (motherhood is undervalued) your relationship with your spouse becomes altered your sexuality and physical appearance…there’s no time or energy to make yourself look beautiful and most moms would rather sleep than have sex your career and financial freedom independence and marital equality energy levels are compromised sleep deprivation takes a terrible toll on your mental state your mental health can become compromised WHAT CAN HELP? The loving support of a spouse is really important! Part of the dad’s role in the beginning is to look after the new mother. Support from friends and family is also protective, as long as it is the kind of support that empowers rather than controls. Often your own mother can be the most powerful factor that either strengthens or undermines your ability to cope as a new mom. Connecting with other people, especially other new moms, is extremely important. New mothers are often socially isolated, and being alone with an unhappy baby is not easy. If you find yourself struggling as a new parent or if you need emotional support or guidance with your baby, contact one of our Babies in Mind practitioners in your area, either to join one of our workshops, attend one of our talks, or for individual consultations. All our practitioners are mental health professionals with specialized training and expertise. Find us at www.babiesinmind.co.za or on Facebook or contact Jenny Perkel 021 4619153 or [email protected]

March 23, 2017
Mia Von Scha

Finding The Cause Of Misbehaviour

Understanding misbehavior is the first step to both preventing it and dealing with it when it happens. Our modern lifestyles mean things are fast-paced and intense and we often, as parents, don’t take the time necessary to understand what is going on with our kids. All misbehaviour is simply a result. What we need to look for is the cause. Finding this is easier than you think, if everyone makes a bit of time! In our home we have what we call the “thinking chair”. I’m not in favour of a “naughty corner” as this gives the child the impression that they are naughty themselves; that it is them, and not their behaviour that is unacceptable. And these are the kind of messages given in childhood that end up with people sitting in my coaching chair 20 years later! A “thinking chair” on the other hand is just a place to sit and calm down so that everyone is in a state to find out the cause of the behaviour. And please note that this thinking chair is not only for the kids – if one of us, as the parents, is having a moment or losing our tempers, we also take some time out on the thinking chair until we have calmed down enough to deal with whatever it is we weren’t handling at the time. This ensures that the kids get the message that the thinking chair is not a bad place for bad children, or that they are somehow different or less than us, but that we all have times where we feel out of control and this is normal and you are still ok as a human being; There are times when all of us need some time on our own so that our moods do not affect everyone in our environment. What I have found with this “thinking chair” philosophy is that it only takes a few minutes for whoever is on it to calm down or cry it out, and then we sit together and discuss the REAL cause of the problem – what is going on underneath the surface that has brought you to this state? Even small children have some great insights into their own behaviour if you’ll only take the time to ask. And children, like all human beings, really appreciate being heard. We all feel loved when someone cares enough to hear what we have to say and to really listen to what is bothering us. And once you know the cause, it is usually fairly obvious what the solution is too. Most misbehaviour in kids is a cry for help or a desperate attempt to be heard. They may have a need that is not being met, they may have had a tough day at school, they may be in pain (either emotional or physical), or they may just be tired. None of these deserves punishment, and none of these will be solved by labelling a child “naughty” – in fact, these labels are more likely to produce the kind of behaviour you’re trying to avoid! So give your kids, and yourself, the one thing we all need for understanding and problem solving – time. Time to calm down, time to be heard, time to come up with creative solutions to everyday problems, time to feel loved. And remember, if you do not love yourself fully you will always find it difficult to pass love on to the people in your life. If you have unresolved issues from your own childhood that have resulted in you not feeling lovable or worthy, make a plan to sort this out – clearing up your own childhood is the best way to let your kids enjoy theirs.

March 23, 2017
Parenting Hub

Is my tween ready and responsible enough for a cell phone?

Deciding if your tween is ready and responsible enough to own a cell phone is something that at some point all parents have to decide. When my girls, who are 11, wrote me a letter explaining the benefits of them owning one as well as why they felt they were responsible enough to own one : I too was faced with those questions. As a child I always hated that my elder brother could do things that I was not able too, and was always told, as I am sure that others were, that it was for my own safety. I recall having some reservations about my eldest son getting a cell phone but not nearly as much as when I had to decide if the girls were ready. This is something that we all are faced with and this is a big milestone that children reach in our modern day society. It is not something that is going to go away any time soon, so the acceptance on my and your part is imminent. Undoubtably there are some benefits. I consider myself to be a reasonable person and that this decision was not something that I could put off for the rest of their lives. I could however make sure that they knew the risks of cell phones, in terms of the bullying that occurs so often using these devices as well as make sure that there were some clear ground rules in place. Cell phones are a great way to stay in touch anytime, anywhere. You cannot beat the convenience of knowing that you are able to contact your child anytime. There is also the safety aspect of knowing where your children are and that if there is an emergency, a cell phone can be crucial if your child needs to reach you or vice versa. That is partly why many parents are buying their children cell phones these days. For your tween, having a cell phone offers the same kind of security it does for you – knowing that you are just a call or text away. We decided that we would lay down ground rules that not only we as parents agreed upon but the girls as well. Ensuring that we were all on the same page was a vital part to ensuring that the trust in our relationships was not only maintained but built on as well. Through all of our rules we clearly explained why we had set them out and gave the girls the opportunity to question all of them. Our rules included the following: No taking cell phones to school. Most schools, including theirs do not allow cell phones at school. They do however have a phone card should they need to contact me as well as we felt that the school would do as they have always done, which is contact us if there was a problem. During the week, there was no telephone calls and no messages to take place. The girls are however allowed to message their family and only contact their friends if there is a concern regarding homework that they could resolve through this means. They were not allowed to join any social networks as yet. They had already expressed their own reservations regarding the risks involved in having a facebook account that we did not need to cover to much in this regard. They were allowed to play their games after their homework and chores were completed. Over the weekends that were able to use their cell phone as they saw fit, however if they broke any of our rules that there would be no cell phone on the upcoming weekend. We would ensure that there was adequate airtime available, however that this was to last for the entire month. If they ran out of airtime, they would have to work in order to have their line unlocked. This airtime would also replace their existing allowance that they were being given. There was to be no sending of any pictures of themselves to their friends. They are allowed to send to their family but not to their friends. Again after explaining that children today resort to bullying through their cells phones that these pictures could be sent through to people that they don’t necessarily want others to have. When we were together as a family, for example eating dinner, there was to be no cell phones and that we would still interact as a family. There would be no bullying of any kind via their cell phones with their friends. They would notify us if any suspicious messages were received and if someone that they did not know made contact with them. There telephone number was top secret and could only be given to their immediate friends, if any parents or adult requested their telephone number. While researching for this article, I found something which sense. Drawing up a contract between parents and children is also a great way to ensure that everyone is on the same page. This is available to download and print by following the link below. Cell Phone Contract  

March 22, 2017
Mia Von Scha

Staying Calm at Bedtime

There’s nothing quite like coming to the end of a busy day with small children, desperate for a bit of quiet adult time and seeing the flicker of light at the end of the tunnel approaching… only to have it stamped out by a child who refuses to go to sleep. It is understandable that in those moments calm and collected parenting gets stamped out right alongside. We need them to go to sleep. We need that time to ourselves to feel sane. We need a break. We need them to bloody well do as they’re told! And in that little word “need” lies the entire problem. The minute we need our children to behave in a certain way for our own wellbeing we are handing over control.  Not control over them, but control over our own internal state. The truth is, nobody can make you feel anything (not even your own sometimes impossible child) without your permission. And once we need something from our kids, we’re handing over that permission slip. Our children are not out to get us, not out to disturb our peace, not planning to mess with our schedule. They just are. They’re being kids, being true to their own sense of how tired they are (or not) and what they feel like in the moment. It is us, as the adults, who are trying to impose an agenda on the moment – trying to make it bend to our will. And life always has other plans! We also teach our children in those moments to veer away from trusting their own bodies and listening to their own internal state so that they can learn to self-regulate instead of always needing us to lay down rules and guidelines. This is similar to getting them to finish their dinner when they’re not really hungry. We tell them to override their very nature. So how do we meet our own needs (because let’s be clear, we really do have a need for some quiet adult time and a break from constantly attending to little people) AND meet our children’s need to listen to their bodies and figure out their own schedules? The trick is to have freedom within boundaries. You can, for example, allow the kids to stay up doing something quietly in their room until they feel tired, provided they do not interrupt the adults. The French have been doing this for centuries. They simply state that from 8pm it is adult time and children need to occupy themselves. Most parents I know panic about this idea as they’re worried the kids will then be too tired for school the next day. Will they? Yes, there probably will be a day here and there where they overdo it and don’t get enough sleep. This is called experiencing the consequences of your actions. And it is exactly how children learn to self-regulate. You will also find that when you remove your need and desperation for them to sleep that that anxious energy is no longer a factor at bedtime and everyone is feeling more relaxed and peaceful, and this naturally sets the stage for a trip into slumberland! In short, stay calm, make sure you are meeting your own needs (and not relying on your kids to meet them for you) and let your children naturally fall asleep when their bodies are ready.

March 22, 2017
Jen Hancock

A Pragmatic Response to Bullying

No parent wants to see their child suffer at the hands of a bully. As much as we would like to shield them from horrible people, as parents, we have to be realistic. Our job is to prepare our kids for life in the real world and that means helping them learn how to cope with mean people. The problem is that most parents don’t know how to actually help their kids aside from general platitudes like – stand up for yourself or ignore them.  The question is, how does a modern educated parent approach the subject of bullying? We want more than theories and platitudes. We want a pragmatic approach that will actually work for our children. It turns out that there is a very pragmatic approach that really does work. It is a compassionate approach based on the science of behavioral management. I studied cognitive psychology in college and spent time in a dolphin cognition research lab. While there I learned about operant and classical conditioning. The way you extinguish a behavior in an animal using operant conditioning is the same way you get a bully to stop. Not by punishing bad behavior, but by not rewarding it. It turns out that animals and bullies treat negative reinforcement as reinforcement. In order to get bullying to stop, you need to not reinforce the bully at all. This is hard to do because, bullies are really good at getting you to respond, that’s why they do what they do. What we need to teach our children is practical things they can do and say that will help them respond without rewarding the bully. It isn’t enough to say – stand up for yourself or ignore them. Kids need to be told specifically, here is what you need to say, and here is how you say it, now let’s practice it so you can say it under the pressure of active bullying. Most kids can pick up these skills pretty quickly when presented in such a pragmatic way. The key to this approach is to help your child develop a neutral emotional response to the actions of a bully. The best way to do that is to practice and cultivate compassion. It’s hard to do because we are often so involved in our own hurt that we don’t want to let go enough to think compassionately about others. But it is precisely when we let go of our hurt that we are able to respond in a more neutral way because, we are no longer thinking about our pain, we are now thinking about the pain of another. Compassion really is a powerful emotion. Finally, what we know from behavior research is that it isn’t enough to not reward a bully; you have to actually be prepared for what is known as an extinction burst or a blowout. Basically, when you take away an animal’s reward, they don’t give it up without a fight. They work harder and become more aggressive to get their reward. In other words, when you stop reinforcing a bully, they get more aggressive for a period of time before they give up their bad behavior. This well-known extinction dynamic is the main reason why most kids give up trying to get bullying to stop. They make a good faith effort to do what the adults counsel them to do, it makes their problem worse, not better, so they give up. However, when a child is told to expect this escalation as natural part of the process of eliminating the behavior, they are better equipped to handle the escalation and ride it out until it goes away. Again, they key to doing this successfully is having the right frame of mind and that requires compassion.  

March 20, 2017
Paarl Dietitians

Best Diet for your Genes

Ever wondered why some people lose weight on one type of diet and others don’t and why is there is so many conflicting results? It might be because of us. Well, because of our different genes. This specific question led to the emerging science of genetic testing, called nutritional genomics (a.k.a. nutrigenomics) – the study of interactions between genes and diet. Keep reading if you want to know more. GENES, DIET AND WEIGHT LOSS Dieting is often an endless cycle of losing weight and gaining it all back. Thousands of diets exist, but how do you know which one is best for you? The answer may lie in your DNA. The idea of the DNA DIET is rooted in the scientifically proven reality that dieting simply doesn’t work for many people. Popular diets are based on a presumption that ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL. That is NOT true. For some people it is harder to lose weight than for others because of their genes. A now famous study conducted at Stanford University looked at the long-term effects of weight loss using a few different diets assigned at random. Results showed that some participants lost weight on one type of diet, such as low-fat, while others did not. The study then tested participants’ DNA for 3 specific gene variations and found that those using the best diet for their DNA lost 2-3 times more weight than those on the ‘wrong’ diet, not using their best DNA diet. DNA testing and following a weight loss diet based on your genetic make-up makes sense because our genes control hormone levels, enzyme levels – all the basic levels of metabolism. And how we metabolize food determines what happens to the nutrients and calories we take in. ONE SIZE DOESN’T FIT ALL Nutritional guidelines are for ALL individuals, but just like clothes, a “one-size-fits-all” approach is not applicable. These dietary recommendations are based on averages across large populations or responses of people, which could be irrelevant to others. For many years, doctors and dieticians have viewed diet the same way, assuming there is only one optimal diet for all. Research has shown otherwise and that this is likely not the case. Humans are 99.5% the same. Yet that 0.5% difference matters. Why is DNA testing so successful for weight loss? Research has shown that it is extremely important for successful weight loss to know the right amounts and ratios of macronutrients in your daily nutritional intake. Therefore knowing how many carbohydrates, proteins, saturated fats and unsaturated fats you should eat daily plays the most important role in your weight loss management plan. Research found that individuals who dieted using recommendations based on their actual genetic makeup lost 33% more weight than those who didn’t. HOW GENETIC TESTING WORKS It is as simple as 1-2-3! Do a cheek swap DNA testing is easy and painless, by taking a cheek swap sample (like they do in Crime Scene Investigations on TV) and then sending the sample back to the DNAlysis laboratory for analysis. Here they use modern technology to analyse a person’s sample in order to identify genetic variants and study the relationship between individual genes and diet – thereby gaining intimate knowledge about physiological processes that may not function optimally. Unlock your results The DNA DIET report is generated that allows an individual to understand how their genes affect the way he or she respond to foods they consume e.g. carbohydrates or saturated fat. The DNA DIET further determines the right amounts and ratios of macronutrients required on a daily basis by defining your weight loss nutritional type (e.g. Mediterranean, Low-Fat or Low-Carb). By knowing that, you can give your body exactly what it needs! No more cravings and constant hunger you have experienced with previous diets that resulted in unsuccessful weight loss. Optimise your diet and training plan The DNA DIET report is used to refine your nutrition and exercise plan to manage your weight. Providing you with a diet plan tailored to your genes (be it low carb or low fat) and insight into optimal exercise intensity for weight loss. However, some people have the gene where physical activity does not help them lose weight! INSIGHT INTO DNA DIET RESULTS Genetic variations make each of us unique in all sorts of ways, including how our bodies respond to different types of foods, it may also have a powerful influence on what we like to eat (bitter vegetables or sweets) as well as why some people get fat and others stay thin. Some gene variants affect appetite and satiety. Others appear to influence how efficiently people burn fat for energy. Obesity Risk  The DNA DIET test will reveal if you have what is called the “increased obesity risk” gene called FTO. This gene plays a role in appetite control, meaning a person with this gene are likely to eat more, feel hungry soon after a meal and crave fattier foods more than someone without this gene. Then there is the gene that tells a person whether they are more likely to gain and regain weight as well as their ability to lose weight more slowly or faster than others. The DNA DIET will also indicate if you are genetically inclined to have a higher body fat percentage and higher waist circumference. Carbohydrate responsiveness Certain gene variants impact your ability to lose weight when carbohydrates are eaten. If a person’s carbohydrate sensitivity is very high, they are more likely to put on weight if they eat lots of carbs. This means to lose weight they’ll be better suited to a low carb diet and would need to restrict refined carbs significantly. If someone falls in the low risk category, they can eat carbohydrates and still lose weight. Eating behaviour Certain people are genetically more prone to forms of food and sugar addiction than others. Part of the reason for this is that some people are more predisposed to seek out pleasure than others. For instance, in our brain, there is a

March 20, 2017
Parenting Hub

Discovering Your Child’s Style of Learning

“Kids are pure potential.” Don’t you just love this statement? It sums up our children’s infinite ability to learn and presents us with the opportunity in assisting them in discovering the world and shaping their futures. Here’s an interesting five minute exercise to do at home with your child of almost any age (even adults too!). This exercise can provide so much insight into how best to present new information (be it academic or life skill in nature) to your child in a way that she / he will more efficiently make sense of and retain this new information. Exercise: The exercise is simple: offer your child something new, anything age appropriate that they need to figure out and just observe even for a few minutes the methods they use to uncover the solution. Keep these problem-solving methods in mind as you compare them to the methods used by some of the styles of learning described by Honey (renowned Psychologist) and Mumford (Professor) that we will now briefly cover. Indicators of learning styles: Does your child thrive on new experiences, but become bored when the new knowledge needs to be applied? Does your child need to actively take part in the process of discovery? For older teens, does your child use brainstorming, with no fixed opinions, to solve problems or even act before considering the consequences? These methods point to an “activist” style of learning Is your child more thoughtful, needing a little extra time to weigh up the item / issue at hand from all sides and consider all the consequences before coming to a conclusion? Will your child listen and weigh up the opinions of others, before making their own points and coming to a conclusion? These are traits of a “thinker” / “reflector” style of learning. Is your child’s method to analyse a problem, collect the facts and think through the item or issue in a more logical way to form a theory? Is your child more comfortable with orderly things and being 100% sure of the facts and not subjective conclusions? Honey and Mumford describe this as a “theorist” style of learning. Lastly, does your child like to start working immediately, testing ideas to see if they work? Does your child like to solve problems by making practical decisions? These qualities suggest a “pragmatist” style of learning. Linking your child’s learning style to how you present new information to your child: Having the understanding of the way in which your child learns most efficiently is the first key. The other key is to be aware of your own (or even the other members of your family) preferred style of learning. Imagine a results driven ‘pragmatist’ trying to share knowledge with a “don’t rush me reflector”? The ‘pragmatist” would expect the “reflector” to jump in and get to work straight away, testing ideas and making practical decisions, while the ‘reflector’ would be overwhelmed by the “pragmatist’s” time pressure and would tend to delay coming to any conclusions before having had sufficient time to weigh up all the options and possible solutions. The Nett effect would be frustration all around, with little being learned in the process! Tips for how to present new information for your child’s style of learning: “Activists”: creating competitive team work, role plays (even from as young as 3 years old!) or team games providing space for coming up with new ideas without boundaries creating opportunities to bounce ideas off others or even take the lead (where the context and age is appropriate, of course) “Reflectors”: creating an environment that is not pressurized by time and where your child can reflect, observe activities, listen to and debate with others in a risk-free environment the space and time for your child to create sufficient background information to analyse and reach a conclusion “Reflectors” are extremely uncomfortable in the limelight, under time pressure or when they are unable to have an opportunity to plan and prepare sufficiently. They don’t like to be put on the spot! “Theorists”: creating an opportunity to ask questions and to decide on the logic of things presenting something to them which forms part of a system or theory creating the time for them to investigate connections between ideas in a methodical way Pragmatists: share with them how the new information will benefit them encouraging a suitable mentor (perhaps a family member) who your child can identify with and who can supervise your child learning the new technique creating a space for your child to draw up action plans, give tips or discover short cuts creating opportunities for your child to apply what they have learnt especially where the benefits are tangible for them (tangibility is especially important for children up to the teen years) While the four groups described by Honey and Mumford above are general categories, it is interesting to note that each person’s preferred learning style is unique, although tending more to one of the four groups than the others. No one style is better than the other, as the preferred style is usually the most efficient for the person, developing over time with the ability to be changed. Some knowledge of your child’s preferred style of learning can go a long way in helping us ‘speak the same language” when it comes to learning. There’s no time like the present to give the tips a try and start reaping the rewards now, no matter how young or old your son / daughter is.

March 17, 2017
Milas Meals

Infant Food Fallacies – “Whole grains are good for you.”

This is partly an excerpt from the “Unlearn” chapter in my book Mila’s Meals: The Beginning & The Basics. Disclaimer: As with everything concerning food there are two sides to any debate raging around every one of the topics in this chapter – both sides will be defended with scientific proof, and ‘absolute’ recommendations. I am merely presenting my beliefs formed by my research and first hand experience of both Mila’s, and my own digestive issues. I encourage you to do your own research should anything mentioned here not ‘sit well’ with you. I am not trying to convince you of anything – I simply hope to provide information, and at the very least prompt you to question what has previously or otherwise been presented as absolute fact and truth. Whole grains ARE good for you and your little one, very good in fact – but here’s the catch – it depends on: When you introduce them, Which grains you eat, and How you prepare them, Eating unprepared grains, introducing them too soon, or eating gluten-containing grains can have negative health effects. When to introduce grains. Many traditional cultures have fed their babies grains before their first birthday – as their first food even – but they were all fermented first. For the reasons mentioned in my “Rice cereal is (not) the best first food for baby” blog post, it is best to wait until your little one is a year old before introducing grains. At this age, he/she will have more of the amalyse digestive enzyme that is needed to digest grains. According to The Nourishing Traditions Book of Baby & Childcare by Sally Fallon Morell and Thomas S. Cowan, if there is a history of celiac disease or gluten intolerance in the family, it is best to wait until your little one’s third year before introducing grains. Which grains to choose Properly prepared grains are nutritious – they are important sources of many nutrients, including protein, fibre, B vitamins and minerals (iron, magnesium and selenium). In order to avoid gluten, you need to avoid: Wheat Barley Rye Spelt Oats (unless the oats are certified gluten-free). See the chapter “Why Not Gluten, Dairy and Sugar?” in my book Mila’s Meals: The Beginning & The Basics for more on why avoiding gluten may be a great decision for you and your little ones. There are many naturally gluten-free grains to choose from including: Rice Quinoa Millet Buckwheat Sorghum Amaranth These grains are nutrient-dense, act as antioxidants and, help the body make serotonin, which improves mood while providing a calming, soothing effect on the nervous system. Preparation Whole grains are the hardest food for the human body to digest, and all grains contain anti-nutrients that must be neutralized before cooking. They all have phytic acid that can block the absorption of calcium, magnesium, copper and zinc as well as enzyme inhibitors that block the digestive enzymes needed to digest it. In order to unlock a grain’s nutritional potential, it is necessary to prepare them in a way that makes them more digestible – such as soaking them for 24 hours, fermenting or sprouting them before cooking. Preparing grains with a dollop of healthy fat (such as ghee or coconut oil) will help the absorption of calcium, phosphorus, iron, B vitamins and the many other vitamins that whole grains provide. I go into this in more detail in the “Feeding with Awareness” chapter of Mila’s Meals: The Beginning & The Basics… Enzymes, Nutrients and Anti-nutrients Digestive enzymes are primarily produced in the pancreas and small intestine. They break down our food into nutrients so that our bodies can absorb them. A nutrient is a substance that provides nourishment essential for growth and the maintenance of life. So what then are anti-nutrients? Anti-Nutrients As scientific research methods develop, new information on nutrition comes to light that challenges what we have previously held to be true about our food. One of these new pieces of information is that of ‘anti-nutrients’. Anti-nutrients interfere with the absorption of nutrients and digestion and, irritate the intestinal tract. Whole grains, nuts, seeds and legumes are all high in anti-nutrients. But these foods are meant to be good for you – right? Well yes – if they are correctly prepared, in a way that reduces the anti-nutrients. Anti-nutrients are part of a seed’s natural system of preservation. Nature has ensured that seeds won’t sprout until the perfect growing conditions exist. Two of these anti-nutrients worth mentioning are Phytic Acid and Enzyme Inhibitors. Phytic Acid Phytic Acid is the storage form of phosphorous – that is, seeds store phosphorus as phytic acid. Grains, nuts and legumes are all seeds and have high levels of phytic acid. So do other edible seeds such as pumpkin and sunflower seeds. When phytic acid is bound to a mineral in the seed, it’s known as phytate. Phytic acid is an anti-nutrient because it binds to essential minerals (such as calcium, copper, iron, zinc, and magnesium) in the digestive tract, making them less available to our bodies. Phytates also reduce the digestibility of starches, proteins, and fats. Enzyme Inhibitors Enzyme inhibitors are present in seeds to prevent them from developing (sprouting) until there are suitable growing conditions. Unfortunately eating seeds with enzyme inhibitors negatively affects our digestive and metabolic enzymes. It is not necessary to avoid foods containing phytic acid or enzyme inhibitors, but it is important to prepare them correctly – as our ancestors did. Correct preparation reduces the phytic acid, neutralises the enzyme inhibitors and increases the bio-availability of the nutrients. Grain preparation Soaking nuts, grains, seeds and legumes Soaking and fermenting nuts, grains, seeds and legumes is something our grannies (or granny’s granny) did and for good reason. It mimics nature’s ‘perfect sprouting’ conditions by providing moisture, warmth, time and slight acidity. As the seed begins to germinate while soaking, phytic acid is reduced, enzyme inhibitors are neutralised and the production of numerous beneficial enzymes begins. The action of these enzymes

March 17, 2017
Parenting Hub

What is the difference between rewarding and bribing your child in order to enhance positive behaviour?

  What are your thoughts on rewarding children? “I honestly think using rewards to change or enhance behaviours in children is an excellent and positive tool. We often fall into the habit of focussing only on the misbehaviours of our children, and then punishing them for that; either by taking away privileges, spanking, yelling, threatening and the problem here is that this negative focus on the child, very seldom has a long term effect in changing the behaviour. The child might stop the behaviour for the moment, you might feel that it’s working, but in actual fact it won’t help you turn a positive behaviour into a habit, as your focus is more on what not to do than on what to do. How do I know if what I’m doing, as a parent, is no longer rewarding – but bribing? Ok, now this is a very common question; and understandably so! In short – a bribe gets your child to change his behaviour on the spot. Rewards help change behaviour over time and in the long run, and also teaches your child to work for something in a positive way. You’re in the shop, and your son starts throwing a tantrum. You try giving him “the look”, you start threatening, and then you say something like; if you stop this behaviour right now, I will buy you a toy in the shop before we leave”. This is a bribe and the effects are negative. Firstly the child quickly learns if I want something from the shop, all I need to do is to start acting up, and mom will buy me something to keep me quiet. So you are actually reinforcing the negative behaviour – you are teaching your child to misbehave in public; as there is a very nice pay off to it. You are teaching your child to manipulate you into buying him something. The focus is on the negative again and it has no influence on changing behavior for the better. Rewarding on the other hand, as I said; focuses on the positive. Is very clearly outlined set of expectations and helps change positive behaviours into habits. It is premeditated. So in other words, you have to go and sit and identify some specific positive behaviour that you would like to focus on. Start with one or two and once they are firmly set habits, move on to the following ones. Using our example again of going to the store; The positive behaviour that you would like to encourage is sitting still inside the shopping cart, while you do your shopping. You have several ways of rewarding this behaviour: Positive feedback and attention is one way. Constantly expressing with your tone of voice, eye contact, affection, words – look how big you are, sitting so still in the shopping cart. Positive feedback, positive facial expression and attention is a form of reward, especially if they are still young. When they are a little older, you can sit together and make a list of rewards. For example watching tv for 10 minutes longer than usual, or having a friend come over Friday afternoon, or a special gift – anything that your child would like to put on the list. You can make a reward chart and every time the child does behave positively, he gets an extra star on the chart until he gets to 10 and then he can choose one of his rewards. The big difference here is a bribe gets the child to stop negative behaviour for the moment, is a very impulsive kind of thing and does not lead to positive behavioral changes in the long run. Rewards are well thought out; in advance and clearly communicated to the child, as a positive reinforcement to enhance the positive behaviour. At what age should I stop giving rewards? In my opinion it’s not really an age thing. Bribes can go on forever, because the child learnt that it’s a manipulation tool. But rewards, if done correctly, turn positive behaviours into habits. As soon as the habit is nicely fixed, the material rewards can stop. Emotional rewards such as positive feedback and praise shouldn’t stop. Is there another way to reinforce good behaviour other than rewards If you want to reinforce positively and for the long run in a manner that builds trust in your relationship and that helps you bond with your child, I think rewarding is the best way. Of course you can enforce positive behaviour through threats and hidings and punishment and so forth, but it won’t have the long term beneficial positive effect that you would get from using rewarding instead. Think of the differences in the emotional climate of your home regarding threats, punishment and so forth vs positive feedback and positive reward and focusing on the good instead of the bad. Can you give us some examples of acceptable rewards? There’s a misperception that rewards need to be something huge, or something monetary. It also includes the small things – it’s a look of approval while your child is doing something right, it’s acknowledging positive behaviour by saying “thank you for sitting so still” – again specifically wording the behaviour in question, it’s positive attention. Something like; a huge hug and saying I’m so proud of you for sitting still in the shopping cart today. Rewards also include things like stars on a reward chart:, a friend coming over, a privilege being extended a little or being added to his list of privileges. So not necessarily something that is going to cost you an arm or a leg.

March 16, 2017
Barbara Harvey

Confessions of an Educational Advocate

When I graduated with my MA my favorite job was working in a program as an educational advocate for children who were wards of the state of Missouri. Once trained by the state I oversaw the education of 40 children for a period of three years. Half of the children were early childhood age and were enrolled in our on-site program, a local Head Start and an early intervention program run by the local school district. The other 20 were school age and attended the local public school, a magnet school, or were transferred out to the district they came from to maintain some level of consistency. As the children’s advocate I spent many days in the schools.  In addition it is a favorite saying of mine is that you have not been to a Parent-Teacher Conference until you have been to 15 in a row. I want to share with you what I did that I feel made me successful as an advocate. First I contacted school personnel before school started. This included each child’s teacher for the year and all of the other professional staff including: Principal, School Secretary, the Ancillary teachers PE, Art, Music and Title I, Nurse, School Social Worker, the Psychologist, Librarian, School Chef, and the head Janitor. I gave each of them a business card and told them the best way to reach me was via telephone; on the back of each card were the names of the children. Secondly, I kept in touch with the teacher regularly. For me as an advocate that was weekly. However for the average parent monthly should suffice.  I also let teachers know if something was happening that could cause mental, emotional, or physical distress to the child in their class. These things could include that the child was worried about something, the house pet was sick at the Vet, or they had fell down the stairs. This gives teachers a heads up that something is wrong and helps them to meet needs they otherwise may  not have anticipated. Thirdly. I helped supervise homework time. As an educator I realize that a child’s time in school is not so much about learning as it is about instruction. Learning actually takes place as children take the instruction and put it into practice on their own which is the purpose of homework. I set up with my fellow co-workers a set homework time that stayed consistent. They and I would move around the room and help children to process what the teacher had instructed them on in class. We did this by asking open ended  questions such as:” What are the steps the teacher talked about in class today?”. This helped children to tie what they did in school back to what they were doing then. Lastly, I attended Parent-Teacher Conferences. I approached these conferences as a chance for the teacher and I to get on the same page when it came to the children’s expectations.  I knew what homework had be hardest for them so I sought information on how to help them to process better. I came with a list of five questions I wanted answered about that particular child’s classroom performance, peer interactions, and overall school well-being. Then I took notes regarding our discussion and used these notes to inform my co-workers of the school progress of each child. We then worked as a team to help each child with their areas of challenge and weakness. This helped both homework and school progress improve. Educational advocacy is all about being supportive of both your child and the teacher. Teachers are your team members. It is their job to instruct the children. As parents and caregivers it is our job to ensure children are learning what the teachers are laying out for them. It is also our job to ensure the educators are doing a good job making sure their instruction is meeting the needs of the children. Parents need to work hard not to take sides between children and teachers but, instead find a way to mediate. I loved my time as an educational advocate and I hope these steps help you to feel confident as you advocate for your children. Please let me know what you think of this article and the steps that are outlined here.  

March 15, 2017
Munchkins

Purposeful Parenting: Up your game with goal-setting

We set goals for all sorts of things in life (get a degree by 25, save up to buy a car, lose 10 kilograms this year…), but few people ever put clear parenting goals in place. Yet, raising children is one of the most important missions you will ever have on earth. Often this lack of purposefulness is because our main goal as parents is simply to “survive this day”! On the other hand, many of us have the undefined and soul-torturing “goal” of being the “perfect parent” and end up living with constant feelings of failure. Having vague, unreachable goals or none at all make us lose track of the bigger picture of where we would actually like to guide our children. If you cannot recall any actual parenting goals you have set for yourself, maybe it is time to get focused and go further. Here are some areas you could consider: Health goals  Could you work on improving your child’s diet? Should your child be getting more exercise or less screen time? Well-defined goals would be: “Only one television episode a day – no exceptions!” or “protein breakfasts instead of sugar-filled cereal every day”. Relationship goals Are you satisfied with your relationship with your child? Are you “missing” each other or fighting all the time? Set goals for how you can improve your bond – even if it is already good. For example: “One hour of phone-free, undivided attention every day”. Discipline goals What behaviours need to be changed or developed in your child? How are you enforcing this? Do you discipline fairly and consistently? Do you effectively make use of incentives? (And this is where most of us sigh in despair.) Monkey-see-monkey-do goals We often need to work on ourselves if we want to “work” on our children. (Another sigh of despair, right?) Yes, kids were invented to help us grow up. What do you need to change? Quit smoking? Stop losing your temper in a spectacular fashion and then wondering why your child does the same? Is your low self-esteem rubbing off on your daughter? Change is hard and humbling and not something you can do without solid support and accountability, but it is so worth it – for yourself and your children! Prioritise your own growth and get the help you need. Child development goals Don’t worry – we are not about to suggest that you enrol your two-year-old in five different extracurricular activities or that you should aim to breed a wunderkind. We are simply saying that you might want to evaluate whether your child is cognitively, socially, emotionally and physically more or less on track (and outsiders are often better at doing this, so you might want to brave up and invite some criticism from trustworthy mentors…). Where there is a need, spend extra time with your child working on this area without pushing or seeming disappointed.  Make it fun. For example: if your child’s speech is lacking, making a point of reading stories and talking together frequently. Spiritual and moral goals This might look different for different people, but have you thought about the belief system and moral guidelines you want to impart to your children? They will inevitably believe something and have some sort of moral compass and if you are not instilling it, someone else will surely fill in the gap! What are you doing to build your child’s worldview? What harmful influences do you need to limit? As you are setting your goals, remember to keep it: relevant (in line with your child’s actual wellbeing and your family’s uniqueness – do not compare with any “ideal”!), realistic and practical (in your own and your child’s reach), well-defined. Lastly, do not become so goal-oriented that you forget to indulge in this lovely – and yes, often chaotic – season of childrearing.

March 14, 2017
Parenting Hub

HAVING THE SEX TALK

Like any parent, I used to lie awake at night, fearful of the day [in the not so distant future] when my daughter would be interested in learning about the birds and the bees. I envisioned a beautiful sunny day replete with a flowery meadow and picnic basket, perfectly suited atmosphere to explain the most precious of topics with my child. Cut to real life and the question hits me smack dab in the middle of a busy line at the grocery store. “Mom, how are babies born?” I was not prepared for an audience during this discussion. My daughter was about seven years old and just tall enough to be eye level with the beautiful belly of a woman clearly in her last days of pregnancy. After we all had a quick giggle, I told her that as soon as we were back in the car, I would tell her. And I did. I vividly remember my answer, “Honey, when you get married, the mommy and daddy are in love and they want to have a baby. The baby grows inside the mommy’s body and when it is ready to come out, the doctor helps at the hospital.” To my relief, her only concern was whether or not she was indeed born at a hospital. “Yes you were and you had a girl doctor!” Fast forward seven years and it’s now my turn to bring up this touchy subject. Unlike my child, I don’t announce it publicly; rather take the time to skilfully plan my attack. My daughter is now a teenager, and while this topic hasn’t been taboo over the years [we encourage her to talk with us about issues], this is now the right time for a serious discussion and actual facts. I casually stroll into her room and chit chat about hair products, cool bands and school. We talk about her friends and it allows me to segue into whether any of them have had sex. She says no [thank goodness] and I can tell by her tone that she’s open to hearing more. I remind her of the time at the grocery store, and of the book we got from the library when she was ten, and then say that since she’s now grown up, we can move on to the important stuff. At this age, I no longer need to bore her with the logistics of lovemaking, she understands biology. We talk about family values and how her Dad and I feel strongly that sex is for adults that are in love. We talk about how having self-confidence will help her to remain pure for the person that will ultimately become her husband and how important the commitment she makes now will be to both of them in the future. We discuss disease prevention, contraception, and about the pressures of being an abstinent teenager. We talk about ways to resist temptation. We agree to keep this subject on the radar.

March 13, 2017
Paarl Dietitians

Reasons You’re Tired ALL the Time

Do you ask yourself, “Why am I so tired?” Do you feel like no matter how much sleep you get, you’re still tired all the time? Feeling exhausted is so common these days that it has its own acronym, TATT, which stands for “tired all the time”. Tiredness is one of the most common complaints at any given time, one in five people feels unusually tired, and one in 10 have prolonged fatigue, according to experts. Tiredness can often be attributed to sleeping too little, but if you are reaching that eight hour threshold and still feeling exhausted, your low energy level may be an indicator of an underlying problem. Let’s find out why you’re always tired. BLOOD SUGAR IMBALANCE Chances are if you’re always tired, your blood sugar has something to do with it. One of the biggest risk factors for feeling tired all the time is being a “carboholic,” meaning someone who overeats refined carbs and sugary foods. This same person also doesn’t acquire enough healthy fats, proteins, vegetables and essential nutrients that support ongoing energy. Blood sugar levels become unbalanced when your diet is too high in various forms of sugar, which enters the bloodstream rapidly and can cause extreme elevations in blood glucose as well as insulin levels. This puts you on a “sugar high” followed by a “sugar crash”…..which lead to fluctuations in blood sugar and feelings of fatigue, headaches, moodiness, hormonal changes and food cravings.  Over time, imbalances in blood sugar can cause serious diseases like insulin resistance and type 2 diabetes. In the case of insulin resistance, the hormone insulin isn’t able to get nutrients, particularly glucose, into the body’s cells. Since your cells aren’t properly absorbing blood sugar, they can’t transfer energy throughout the body sufficiently. High insulin also creates inflammation which can prevent healing, confuse your body, and affect energy levels. The Fix: To get blood sugar levels back under control, you’ll need to really reduce, or even to completely eliminate, all sources of refined sugar from your diet. These include fizzy cool drinks, energy drinks, sweetened coffee or tea, fruit juice, packaged snacks like all cookies, cakes, some cereals and jelly sweets. Even natural sweeteners like raw honey, can still affect blood sugar levels. Also consider reducing your total carbohydrate intake – choose low glycaemic index carbohydrates and combine where possible with protein to ensure stable blood glucose levels. If you are concerned about your blood sugar levels and the possibility of being insulin resistant or even perhaps being diabetic then there are blood tests that can be done to confirm a diagnosis. ANEMIA One of the most common medical reasons for feeling constantly run down is iron deficiency anemia. Anemia occurs when there’s a problem with red blood cells making hemoglobin, a protein that carries oxygen throughout the body, especially to the brain where it is much needed. Anemia is connected to insufficient iron levels within the blood, in addition to low vitamin B12 and folate levels. Anemia can also be caused by a loss of blood or a diet that’s too low in those essential nutrients and, thus, hinder the body’s ability to make enough hemoglobin. Women with heavy periods and pregnant women as well as vegetarians are especially prone to anemia. To diagnose anemia, blood tests would be required. Do check iron stores as well as folate and vitamin B12 – not just hemoglobin! This is very important before taking an iron supplement since unnecessarily high levels of iron could interfere with the body’s ability to absorption other important nutrients such as zinc and calcium. The Fix Eat a vitamin-rich diet! Anemia symptoms can be greatly reduced by improving your diet and including plenty of foods that are rich in iron, vitamin B12 and folate. Iron sources include beef and other meats, beans, lentils and fortified breakfast cereals. Eat iron rich foods together with foods high in vitamin C that helps with iron absorption, such as citrus fruits, berries and cruciferous vegetables like broccoli or cauliflower. Also choose green leafy vegetables that contain a significant amount of iron and folate. Foods rich in vitamin B-12 include meat, dairy products, and fortified cereal. DEHYDRATION The most common cause of dehydration is excessive loss of body fluids, especially of water and electrolytes,  simply not drinking enough water, or substituting water intake with only soda or juice. This is a critical mistake as not only does that spike your blood sugar, but also your cells cannot get enough water to function properly! Fact is, when you start to feel thirsty, your body is already dehydrated. The major electrolytes in the body — sodium, potassium, chloride and bicarbonate — are ion compounds that literally help your body to have energy via the force of electricity that keeps your organs (the brain, heart, nervous system , muscles) and cells functioning. Dehydration affects the actual viscosity (thickness) of your blood and the amount that your heart must beat every minute, as it tries to get oxygen to all your cells. When you’re dehydrated, your heart sends oxygen and nutrients to your brain, muscles and organs at a slower pace; as a consequence, you begin to feel fatigued, lethargic, moody, like you have “brain fog”, weakness in muscles, unable to concentrate and perform tasks. The Fix Drink more water throughout the day, increase your intake of vegetables and fruits, and make sure you’re getting plenty of electrolytes in the form of whole foods. To calculate the amount of water you need to drink daily to avoid dehydration, take your weight in kilograms, and multiply with 20ml. In other words, if you’re a woman who weighs 60kg, you need to drink 1200ml water per day, or roughly five 250ml glasses of water to stay fully hydrated. But this is only the amount of water if you do not exercise or do anything strenuous! If you work out or if you are active, then you ideally need to drink at least an extra 250ml for every

March 13, 2017
Kath Megaw

Tips To Improve Healthy Eating In the Home

A hungry child is a less fussy child. After School is a great window of opportunity to get your child to eat something healthy as they generally come home starving having rushed lunch to spend time with their friends in the playground. A few simple ideas and a few minutes spent in preparation can make a big difference to your child’s diet. Instead of whole fruit in a fruit bowl cut up a selection of colourful fruits and arrange them on a plate. Have healthy snacks like mini cheeses, dried fruit, a bowl of salad with a tasty dressing on the table so that your child eats these rather than crisps or chocolate biscuits. Ways to include anti oxidants in your child’s diet? Use a wide variety of vegetables and prepare them in diverse ways. Aim daily to include 3 different colour fruits and/or vegetables. Crudites and dips are fun for children and make for easy and nutritious snacks. Vegetable versus fruit eaters. Some kids love their cooked veggies, but struggle with salads and fruit. Others will eat salads and fruit but turn their noses up at cooked veggies. Aim not to make an issue of their respective dislikes, rather applaud them for the foods they do eat and do a food challenge with the ones they find more difficult to consume. For example if you have a child that struggles with vegetables, you could make Monday green vegetable day where you and your child choose one green vegetable he is prepared to try. Then come up with a fun way to eat and prepare the veggie/ fruit of choice. Herbs are a great way to get anti-oxidants in the cooking. Hide and mix them in stews and gravies. Peeled baby carrots, cherry tomatoes, cucumber slices SAD sugar free bars Pure woolies fruit rolls Fruit salad Raisins Dried fruit men Fruit juices Smoothies Plain yogurt with fruit pulp “Don’t eat between meals.” “Don’t touch that cookie — you’ll spoil your dinner!” “Snacking will make you gain weight.” Chances are, you’ve said something similar to your children – or maybe heard it from your own mom. But snacking on the right foods is not harmful. In fact, it can have health benefits for kids of all ages. Snacking is not a bad thing – in fact, it’s a good thing – and it can actually help keep kids from overeating at mealtime. Studies show that snacking during the school day improves both mood and motivation, and may impact concentration. Snacks may help children maintain performance during times of high mental demand, like when taking an exam or making a class presentation. But even while we’re bombarded with choices by the snack food industry, it’s not always easy to find healthy snacks – much less get your kids to eat them. Here are six simple guidelines. 1. Relax the Food Ties That Bind While you may have strict nutritional guidelines for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, snacks are the place to give children some wiggle room. Give them a little of what they like (be it potato chips or a small chocolate) a couple of days a week, and you’ll have better luck getting them to eat healthy snacks the rest of the time. 2. Choose the Lesser of the Evils When it comes to ingredients like sugar and saturated fat, you might think most commercial snack foods are pretty similar, give or take a gram. But look a little harder at the label and you may find important differences. If, for example, you have two items that are equal in sugar, fat, and calories, sometimes you’ll find that one contains vitamins, minerals, and fiber while the other doesn’t.Opting for the more nutrient-dense snack will help ensure it has some redeeming value, even if some of the other ingredients are not top nutritional choices. In addition, keep an eye on the sugar content. Some snacks, even seemingly healthy ones like flavoured yogurt, are way over the top when it comes to added sweeteners. The American Medical Association says that when our sugar intake exceeds 25% of our total caloric intake, it impacts us nutritionally. But the World Health Organization sets the threshold at 10% – so sugar is an issue to consider. A quick way to tell if a snack has gone over the line: It’s over 250 calories a serving, it’s probably got too many empty calories. 3. Portion, Portion, Portion While it’s OK to give kids some leeway on choosing what snacks to have, it’s still vital to pay attention to portion size. It’s also important to look for snacks with low levels of fat, saturated fat, and trans fat. Even if the package says a snack has no trans fats, read the ingredient list to be sure. If you see the word ‘hydrogenated,’ it means it has some trans fat, so avoid that snack. If your child is battling a weight problem, paying attention to portion size and total calories is vital, but don’t deny the child the opportunity to snack. 4. Make It Easy to Eat Well Having trouble getting your kids to eat healthy snacks like fruits, vegetables, and whole-grain items? Make these foods easy to munch, and they will eat more of them. No matter what food it is you’re trying to get your child to eat, if you make it accessible, if it’s easy to eat, if it’s there waiting for them in the fridge or on the counter, you will increase the likelihood that they will eat it. But cutting up fruits and veggies into bite-sized pieces isn’t quite enough. Snacks should also be packaged in a way that makes it easy for kids to ‘grab and go’. The key is not only making snacks easy to eat, but also easy to share. Kids love to share their snacks at school and if you help them do that, they are more likely to eat what you prepare, rather then trade up for something from

March 10, 2017
Parenting Hub

Working Moms: Stop feeling guilty

In a study conducted by Harvard Business School graduates in the US, it was found that women whose moms worked outside the home are more likely to have jobs themselves, are more likely to hold supervisory responsibility at those jobs, and earn higher wages than women whose mothers stayed home full time. So where do you find the time between being a mom and having a career, never mind running your own business? 44 year old, Carey Mol is a mom, wife and director of Commander HQ, a sports gear and clothing ecommerce store. When she’s not driving to or from school, cooking, shopping or attending school sports she’s working. “It’s what makes me feel alive,” admits Carey. “If I didn’t work, I think I would go mad.” There are so many reasons why mothers work. For most of us it isn’t a choice, we need to contribute to paying the bills; not many families can survive on one person’s salary. For some having one parent stay home to take care of the kids is the only option and so for those who can choose between working and staying home is considered a luxury. Whatever your situation, it’s important not to judge. So for the moms who work and look after the kids, what is the ideal balance? How can you have it all and not feel guilty? Carey shares some of the lessons she’s learnt about juggling the two. Identify your priorities. I usually choose me, my family and then work. If I’m not happy then how can I make my family happy and without a happy family, work will seem like a very sad and lonely place. Stop chasing money. If you realise you’ll never have enough then what you have will always be good enough. Even all the money in the world won’t buy back lost time. Decide on what is enough to cover your financial obligations including savings, so you can still have time and energy in your day to focus on you and your family and stop there. As time goes on you can adjust your financial goals according to your family’s needs. Exercise every day. My daily routine consists of getting the kids ready, taking them to school, power walking 10km to the beach and back, or swimming up to 100 lengths in the gym pool then working as much as possible before driving back to school to fetch the kids, making dinner and possibly working some more. Exercise keeps me feeling energised and motivated to wake up and do it all over again. It takes a village to raise a child. Don’t be shy to ask for help. Once you’re a mom, you are automatically given access to a wonderful community of women who just get it. Sometimes working moms need to go to a meeting or send out a report and can’t be in two places at once. It’s very rare for another mom to say no to you if you need help fetching or taking. Find a way to beat the guilt. With all the finger pointing going on, it’s hard not to feel guilty about missing class parties during the week or a rugby match on a Friday afternoon. Take it easy on yourself, you can’t get to them all. As much as you try to put yourself first, family second and work last, sometimes the order shifts around, after all bills must be paid. Make up for it on the weekends by doing what your kids love or if the problem persists seek the help of a therapist to discuss your feelings. Decide on a daily mantra. Mine is to think positively. I like the saying “What would you try if you couldn’t fail.” Be an example to your children. I feel it’s important to show my kids that nothing comes easily. One needs to work for it in some way and to appreciate the fruits of your labour. We have come a long way in the last 60 years in South Africa. It’s wonderful that women can choose to work and aren’t only expected to stay home caring for children. We all have huge responsibilities raising children and we need to be the best possible version of ourselves. “Launching an ecommerce store that sells sports clothing and gear is a dream come true for me, as I know working is what keeps me motivated and level headed. Being a mother is a very important job, however being an informed, balanced and happy mom is worth much more,” concludes Carey. For more information about Carey Mol and her store, please go to www.commanderstore.com About the Author: Carey Mol, is a mother of 3, wife and owner of CommanderHQ, an online sporting gear and apparel store and balances her time between work and her children. For many years she worked full time in the mobile and digital industry, as MD for Cellular Media Distribution (CMD). After becoming a mother, she realised she wanted to spend as much time with her kids as she did fostering her career. She now hopes to inspire young and old, to take part in sport and live an active and healthy lifestyle. 

March 9, 2017
Maz -Caffeine and Fairydust

Private parts: Are we raising proud or shameful children?

All children are born with sexuality as an inherent part of their being. The famous human sexual response researcher William Masters (1925–2001), an American gynecologist, was known to play a game with newborn boys during delivery, saying “Can I get the cord cut before the kid has an erection?” But he often failed since most boys are born with a fully erect penis. He also observed that all baby girls lubricated vaginally in the first four to six hours of life, and that during sleep, spontaneous erections or vaginal lubrication occur every eighty to ninety minutes throughout our entire life span. As our babies grow up, they start forming their sexual identity. We find that much of boys’ sexual identification is linked to the fact that they have a penis. Parents often express appreciation and praise when their two-year-old son flaunts his penis, which gives the proud boy the notion that he is the owner of a priceless body-part. The penis is truly a wonderful object: a natural little plaything, it is able to launch an entertaining stream of urine that can be proudly sprayed and splashed around whilst standing. This tool can also be used as a weapon and a little boy might provoke siblings by literally ‘pissing them off’. For little girls, however, a vagina is her secret organ, not only invisible to her, but also often viewed in a negative light if touched by her: ‘whatchamacallit’ code words and euphemisms further aid in neatly concealing this hidden treasure. When nature calls for desperate measures, she has to hide and crouch to urinate – an inconvenient, and often, embarrassing affair. Boys understand from an early stage that privacy and shame are two separate concepts: they learn to be both proud and private with regard to their genitalia. For young girls the mysteriousness and privacy of their genitalia are often veiled in secrecy and shame. This disparity in underlying values is carried with us well into adulthood and can have a significant influence on our sexual health. From this point of view, it appears that women start off with a disadvantage, which gives us reason to invite some change. Firstly, when little ones ask a question, they are ready for an answer. Listen carefully to the question and try to respond by offering nothing more, nothing less. Furthermore, and most importantly, we need to teach our children the correct vocabulary. According to Steven Pinker, a psychology professor at Harvard and the author of The Stuff of Thought: Language as a Window into Human Nature, at least 1,200 terms are used for the vagina, and approximately 1,000 terms for the penis in the English language alone. We tend to continue to create new pet names for our intimate parts to use in a familiar and playful manner among friends and family, which is not bad per se, but Eve Ensler, a prominent anti-violence activist, playwright and creator of The Vagina Monologues, warns ‘what we don’t say becomes a secret, and secrets often create shame and fear and myths.’ If this is the case, it is perhaps time for us to get off the euphemism treadmill …

March 9, 2017
The Headache Clinic

Did You Know that Weather Can Cause Your Headaches?

Most people know that certain foods, lifestyle issues and exercise, can lead to migraines and headaches but few people realise that the weather can also trigger headaches.  Research shows that the change of seasons, climate and environmental factors can all be contributing to your headaches.  Two recent studies, published in the American Journal of Emergency Medicine and in the Journal of Toxicology and Environmental Health respectively, showed that headaches increase with higher temperatures, lower humidity and higher levels of fine particulate air pollution. In the first study, patients who were admitted to the emergency department of a hospital due to a migraine headache, were monitored in terms of the weather conditions at the time of their admission. A total of 3 491 patients formed part of this study and a statistically significant correlation was found between daily the number of  patients and the daily maximum temperatures, mean temperatures, minimum temperatures and daily temperature changes. The study also found that more patients presented with headaches and migraines when the humidity was low.  The second study was undertaken to determine whether there was an association between fine particle matter in the air and daily outpatient numbers being treated for headaches in Taipei in Taiwan. Data was obtained for a five year period. It was found that the higher the presence of fine particulate air pollution, the greater the number of patients with headaches and migraines.  Dr Elliot Shevel, South Africa’s pioneer in the field of migraine surgery and the Medical Director of The Headache Clinic, says that weather-related phenomena can trigger headaches.  “The change of seasons, rain, lightning, thunder and even barometric pressure, can be triggers for headaches and migraines. Every person has different triggers, but the key is to identify your specific anatomic cause for headaches and migraines, not just the trigger,” says Shevel.  Why do the seasons impact headaches? Exposure to light is a well-known trigger of headaches. The change of seasons works in a similar way. “Migraine sufferers worldwide have long reported that bright sunlight triggers their migraines. Some researchers believe that some of the body’s senses are super-sensitive in migraine sufferers, particularly with regards to vision. The brighter sunlight in summer or snow glare can thus result in migraines for some sufferers,” says Shevel.   How can weather pattern changes and storms affect headaches? In a 2007 study in Cephalalgia, over 1200 patients diagnosed with migraines were examined. Weather was identified as the fourth most frequent trigger of migraines, occurring in approximately 50 percent of patients, says Shevel. “Lightning strikes and strong winds can also be triggers of migraines.”  Get a proper diagnosis According to Shevel, a headache diary can be very helpful in order to identify the cycles and triggers for your migraines and headaches. It’s important to identify and avoid the relevant trigger(s)to reduce the occurrence of migraine, but seeking help to determine the underlying physical cause of the pain will allow sufferers to experience triggers without developing a migraine. At The Headache Clinic, a multidisciplinary team is involved in the diagnosis and treatment of the headaches and migraines. 

March 8, 2017
Parenting Hub

Homeschooling Your Child In South Africa

With controversy surrounding the public school system and with soaring school fees for private schools many parents are starting to question if homeschooling is a better option for their child. Homeschooling is legal in South Africa and has been provided for in the SA Schools Act (SASA) since 1996. It is a fast growing market at about 20% per year. The law defines home education as “education at the learner’s home”. Therefore a child that receives education at the home of someone else is not covered by the protection provided for home education by law. Will my child still learn the essential social skills needed in life if they are homeschooled? Developing a child’s social skills in order to have successful relationships in life is a vital part of growing up. There is a lot of misconception about children not learning adequate social skills if they are being homeschooled. Research has proven otherwise. In South Africa, research done at the University of South Africa (UNISA) by Ms. Dierdre Bester has found that children who receive home education perform much better in academics than learners in government schools. She also found that homeschooled children are very well adapted socially as well. A University of Florida doctoral dissertation by Larry Shyers found what homeschooling parents already knew. They are cooperative and friendly. Shyers theorized that homeschooled children learn how to behave toward others by modeling their parents, not their peers. Being with friends is a special treat, not a daily dread. Do you have what it takes to educate your child at home? It takes a special kind of parent to make the decision to homeschool their child. Do you have what it takes? As a parent are you prepared to adjust your current lifestyle and schedule? Do you have the emotional energy to balance the homeschool parent / teacher role? Do you as a parent have the social skills to develop a social network for you and your child? Are you able to handle criticism and perhaps some disapproval from the public? Do you have the self discipline, patience and perseverance? Are you able to efficiently organize your household? (Sufficient space, materials etc) Do you and your partner agree that homeschooling it the best option for your child? The last point is the most important one. Without the support, love and guidance from your partner homeschooling your child would not be an option. Did you answer yes to most of these questions? For more information on homeschooling your child in South Africa please visit www.pestalozzi.org and www.homeschooling-curriculum-guide.com.

March 7, 2017
Ati2ud

Learning to Say No

How many times have you said yes or committed to something and later regretted it? And then find yourself looking for every excuse in the book to get out of said commitment…. We dread it as ‘D-day’ draws nearer where we are meant to be at the event or engagement we’ve committed to or to deliver on a task we said we would do. We find ourselves leaving things to the absolute last minute, trying to avoid it in every way possible ending up feeling stressed or running around like a headless chicken. Why do we do this to ourselves? Usually it is because we fear letting people down or disappointing them, when in fact we end up letting ourselves down for not standing firm and speaking our truth. We take on every request that comes our way whether its work related, to do with our kids or even family situations and before you know it we are so busy we don’t have time to blink. Then we get stressed and frustrated because we’re not getting to all things we’ve said yes to, and we drive ourselves ragged trying to cope with the pressure we’ve placed on ourselves to meet everyone else’s needs except our own…. Sound familiar? You are a ‘yes man’, a people pleaser. Now there’s nothing wrong with being the nice guy and wanting to help others but when it comes at your own expense, you’re going to end up in trouble sooner or later. Running yourself ragged is only going to lead to a wave of emotions ranging from frustration, anger, resentment, unhappiness to possibly even illness as your body tries to cope with the pressure of it all. So what can you do about this situation? First of all you need to take in a deep breath. Breathing helps to regulate the central nervous system and calms us down. Next, get a piece of paper and write down all the tasks or commitments you need to complete and by when. Now prioritise them according to importance (0-low – 10-high), date needed by and what resource you need to help you complete the tasks (e.g. your bookkeeper needs to help you complete your tax return). Now, go make yourself a cup of tea and take a walk around the garden for at least 10 minutes, then come back to your list. Often when we are under pressure we find ourselves feeling overwhelmed and unsure of where to start, leaving us with a sense of inadequacy or procrastinating putting ourselves under more pressure and so the cycle continues. Right now that you’ve had your tea and cleared your mind, let’s tackle the list one by one.  Look at the tasks that you have prioritised as a high priority (anything above a 6) and review them. Are they really a 6 and above or can some actually be ranked a lower priority? Of those tasks you are confident need to be ranked high, what resources do you need in order to complete the tasks, what needs to happen for you to get the resources you need and by when? Create an action list for these tasks. Anything ranked a 3 – 6 is considered a low priority. This is usually something we want to do yet the motivation to do it is low, so we need to ask ourselves how badly do we want to do this task? More often than not the answer involves a ‘should, must or have to’. A should, must or have to’ is born from expectations we perceive others have of us when in actual fact it is the expectations we have placed on ourselves. Anything below a 3 is stuff that has been on your list for so long that it no longer warrants your attention. Delete it. Take it off the list. Do it now. Time for another tea break and a walk around the garden for another 10 minutes. If you’re not used to tackling tasks like this you are possibly feeling a little guilty, maybe even starting to doubt the ranking you have given some of the tasks on your list and want to go change them. Take in another deep breath and let it go. Know that all is well in this moment. Now go back to the items ranked a 3 – 6. Look at them again, Are there any items here that you can say no to? In other words it’s those items you feel you should but deep down if you are completely honest with yourself, you know you don’t want to do them. Got any like that? Right – say no to them and cross them off your list. Do it. Now. Once you have done that, focus on completing the tasks you have ranked 6 and above by acquiring the resources you need in order to complete the tasks within the required timeframe. Congratulations! You’ve officially broken free of the shackles that have been wearing you down. Now you just need to keep the momentum going and not fall back into the same trap again. Learning to say no is a liberating exercise; it gives you a sense of being control of your life vs. your life running away with you. The more you listen to your gut as to whether you really want to commit to a task or engagement, the more you will be speaking your truth and living your real essence. The hardest part about learning to say no is the first time you do it; from then on it gets easier. It also allows new opportunities to come into your space because you have cleared out all the baggage that was standing in the way before. Saying no to other things and people means you are saying yes to you – and that’s important. It gives you a sense of self-love, self-respect, self-care and that you value you and your time. If you don’t value yourself – no

March 7, 2017
Parenting Hub

Who Are You and What Have You Done With My Child?

Let’s face it, the pre-teen and teen years have nothing on the “terrible two’s.” Somewhere between the hormones, braces, and growth spurts, my 11-year old’s casual jokes and sweet remarks had been replaced with sassy backtalk and defensiveness. With schoolwork, her attention-to-detail was exchanged for a “just get it done” approach. And housework? Well, let’s just say she’s easily distracted. Where did she come from? It’s so easy to be reactive during these challenging growth years — to jump to labels, judgments, and criticism as I did. To reclaim the relationship we once had, it’s critical that I walk the talk with my child. Here are 5 things I’ve learned that can help you stay connected to your son or daughter when times get tough. 1. Thirteen, Going on. . . Know Where Your Child Is, Developmentally Understanding what’s going on with my child’s physical and emotional development is a big factor in my ability to connect to her needs in the moment. And this is where I think a lot of us get a bit stumped. The truth is, a typical pre-teen is bombarded with physical changes, matched with an almost overwhelming need for autonomy and belonging. Their social relationships — how they fit in, whether or not they feel accepted — take centre stage. It can be difficult for some pre-teens to concentrate for long periods of time, and in the quest for autonomy, they may push a bit more on seemingly trivial topics. The need for acceptance is critical to pre-teens and teens alike. Without it, they are lost in a never-ending identity crisis. Knowing this helps me connect to the needs behind my child’s behaviour, and equally important, shift to more realistic expectations, and requests that are less likely to generate tension. 2. Labels are Good for Stored Food, Not Kids A few months into Lydia’s (11 years) new school year, I found myself constantly frustrated and hypercritical when it came to the quality of her schoolwork. I kept saying, “this isn’t your best, why don’t you push yourself and work at your potential rather than just what’s expected of you?” Before I knew it I’d labelled my daughter as “lazy,” and myself as the “nagging mom.” Ugh. How had I morphed from a fairly compassionate, fun-loving parent to a tense, nagging mom who never seems satisfied? Time to stop and check in. These labels were not getting me want I wanted. Try connecting to your needs instead of applying a convenient label. What I really needed was reassurance — that my daughter’s academics wouldn’t suddenly go down the tube, that she was being challenged enough, that she still enjoyed learning. I found that reassurance by talking with other parents who had the same questions I did, and the same fear and frustration. All of us had recognized a shift in our kids’ focus on school, and together we realized how normal the behaviour was. In other words, when I connected to my needs, I was able to recognize the impact my labels had in my ability to get those needs met. 3. Don’t Just Do Something — Stand There With the help of a few dear friends (thank you Todd and Jen), I realized I could get back to the relationship with my daughter I want by bringing a different presence to our interactions. When I came to a conversation with Lydia connected to my absolute love for her, and my total acceptance of her right now, exactly as she is, I saw a dramatic change in our interactions, and of course a huge shift in my own stress level. Conflict fell away, and my girl was back! (At least for the length of that interaction.) I also became much more attuned to my own reactions to her behaviour, and was able to connect to my needs and hers before I jumped to judgment. When you model this presence to your child, it makes it infinitely easier for them to bring a similar presence to their own future interactions. 4. Acknowledge the Positive — In Your Child and in Yourself No matter what our child’s age, acknowledgement is critical — be sure to acknowledge positive behaviour in a way that helps them understand how it’s met your needs (and theirs!). Here’s an example: “Lydia, last week you got along beautifully with Alex (your stepbrother). Let’s celebrate the role you had in making that happen. I can guess that because you came to him with an attitude of acceptance, patience, and love, that it had a huge impact on how well the two of you got along. Not only did you meet his needs for acceptance and love, but you met your own. Can you guess what needs of yours were met last week?” I’ve also found the more I model acknowledgement and celebration of my own little accomplishments with communication, the more Lydia does herself. Acknowledgement leads to self-empowerment (that “I guess I can do this” realization), and for kids it often takes just one success, duly acknowledged, to shift behaviour. 5. Make Talk Time a Priority and Watch the Trust Grow Regardless of your schedule, making regular time to just talk and connect with your kids helps nurture mutual trust, a big factor in reducing future conflicts. Schedule regular “talk time” where the TV and phone are off and your attention is entirely on one another. This could be over dinner, your walk to school, or even on a daily commute home. The key is to remove distractions so you can really hear each other. It isn’t the amount of time, but the quality of presence I bring to the conversation that builds trust. Dinner time is talk time for Lydia and I, and I love to just sit back and give her the floor. These are moments when our kids toss their heart to us to see where it lands. My hope is to be there to catch it, as I recognize

March 6, 2017
Doug Berry

Is it conflict?

“There was no conflict, when you pushed and I lay down. There was no argument when you took and I gave. There was no battle when you always won at my loss. We could not collide when I chose to give way. There is never a contest between giver and taker. We could have stood side by side, faced forward together, but you preferred my pound and a little more. Call it dissent or call it combative, the choice was always yours. Now there is strife because I choose to stand when you’d have me lie down, because I want my pound, no more than that, yet no less.” – Anonymous. The nature of conflict, to overuse a word, is a study in its own. Not something easily defined or placed under a microscope. The word itself carries weight and implication, when it is used in place of more neutral or ambiguous terms such as “challenging”, “being assertive” or “standing firm”. Do we define our engagement with others in terms of positive, neutral and negative only, or are we willing to see them for something more. Perhaps an opportunity for growth of the self, the organisation or the growth of others? The choices around how we interpret an interaction with others is largely ours. Of course, there are factors that will help you determine the nature of the engagement; a gun to your head or an outright declaration of hostile intent is one thing. A person asking you to impinge on your morals or to bend rules in their favour and against your will, can be seen as a conflictual situation….or it can be interpreted as a contest of wills. If the dynamic has always been one of dominance and submission, of push and fall, a change in that dynamic can make us sense conflict where than needn’t be one. It is our choice. Perhaps an example is best used: Party A and Party B are in a standing agreement regarding remuneration for services rendered on a regular basis. In this instance, a domestic worker (Party A) who works for a private employer (Party B) in their garden has previously agreed to a set price for his labour R120 per day. Party A realises that he is selling his labour too cheap and decides to give notice that he intends to ask more for his labour after a given frame of time, perhaps a calendar months’ notice. Party B says no, they will not pay more. A situation now stands to be defined by how each party chooses to approach it. Are they both concrete in their opinion? Are they willing to negotiate a rate that both can live with? Are they invested in maintaining the working relationship? Such questions will help them define whether they are entering into a conflict scenario or whether a mutually agreeable negotiation will define the outcome, with a much less reduced chance of resentment. Our relationships and interactions too often come down to simplified definitions of me versus you, what I get out of this and if I can walk away feeling like I’ve won, despite the cost. In a world environment so often defined by US and THEM, we stand to lose so much goodness and prosperity, by spending too much time focussing on the personal win, the personal battle and conflict that must be won no matter the fee to be paid around us. Why make poisonous war, where fruitful growth is possible?

March 6, 2017
Parenting Hub

Caesar babies – more prone to allergies?

If you read between the lines on a study done in 2007(1), it seems that babies born by caesarean section are a lot more likely to suffer from allergy-related diseases if you don’t supplement probiotic bacteria. Caesar babies are born with sterile digestive tracts. If you don’t correct this, your baby may not be equipped to: Digest lactose, Manufacture Biotin (a B vitamin) or vitamin K2, Properly absorb their minerals, and Keep harmful bacteria in check. As a result, their immune systems may also be weaker. Babies in the womb have sterile intestines. When born naturally through the birth canal, they swallow vast amounts of bacteria and start the process of developing a healthy bacteria-filled intestine & mouth (and in girls, the vagina). Every person has a large number of bacteria in their bodies. If you are healthy, you will have a balanced mix of friendly, good bacteria and bacteria that would harm you if allowed to. Adults have around 2.5kg of bacteria spread between their small and large intestines. Kids have a proportionately smaller amount depending mostly on their body size. Every time you touch things around you, you pick up good and bad bacteria. When you avoid it, you do your immune system a disservice because your body is built to handle this contact. In fact, it thrives on it, and without it, your immune system can become weak and ineffectual (this is known as the Hygiene theory (opens new window))… Good bacteria do many things for us, including manufacture some B and K vitamins, improve digestion & absorption (especially of milk and minerals), and keep harmful bacteria under control so they can’t multiply beyond safe levels and make us sick. The study in question focused on 1223 mothers whose infants were thought to be at higher risk of developing allergies because at least one parent had been physician-diagnosed with an allergic disease. Each mother received a mix of 4 strains of probiotic bacteria or a placebo during the last month of their pregnancy. Once born, their babies were given the same mixture plus a prebiotic galacto-oligosaccharide from birth until six months of age. At five years old, the children were examined for symptoms of eczema, food allergy, allergic rhinitis (hay fever), and asthma. The study concluded that the probiotics did not significantly protect children from allergies – except those who had been born by Caesarean section. This group had a 53 percent lower chance of developing an allergic disease. Let’s unpack that If your baby is born by caesarean section, it’s a good idea to give them a probiotic supplement to start the colonization of their intestinal bacteria. If either parent has allergies, it becomes much more than a good idea. Just by supplementing with a probiotic, you can cut their risk of developing your allergies in half. Of course, there are other things you can do that will add to that figure, but this on its own is a fantastic start… Healthy-kids.co.za recommends… When your baby is born by caesarean section, make it a point to supplement with a probiotic that contains at least 1 Billion bacteria, including at least these strains of bacteria: – Lactobacillus Acidophilus – Bifidobacterium Bifidus Choose your supplement carefully to ensure that the bacteria are live and effective – and you may like the trustworthiness of the GNLD Acidophilus Plus supplement. To give it to a baby, simply ease open the capsule and pour a little of the powder directly onto your baby’s tongue once a day. Divide each capsule over 5 days. Continue for 8 weeks. If either parent has allergies, then mom should supplement 1 capsule of GNLD Acidophilus plus each day for the last month of her pregnancy, give this same supplement to your baby for their first 6 months. About the writer: Tracy Hesslewood owns www.healthy-kids.co.za

March 3, 2017
Parenting Hub

Hooting Doesn’t Help!

I find watch people fascinating. I get to do quite a bit of it too driving to my various clients during the week. What I find very sad is how little respect and consideration there is among those using the roads. People seem to forget that we all need to get to work, we all have to use the same roadway, and we are all frustrated when traffic is bad. A few months ago, a lady’s car broke down, I could see from a few cars back that she had tried to get out of the traffic, unfortunately the car had stalled crossing the lane, so yes, and both lanes were partially blocked. Did anyone help? No People would drive passed shaking their fists at her & hooting. Do they really think it was her intention to stall the car? Did I offer assistance? No, as I reached her, a bus driver stopped his bus and assisted her. A few weeks later, I am coming off a slip way to get onto the N1. As usual I put on my indicator even before the dotted line so there can be no mistaking my intent even though there really is nowhere else to go. I eventually have to force my way onto N1 as the car behind me literally sits on the bumper of the car in front of it. A few hundred metres later, I apparently commit the cardinal sin by allowing a vehicle off another slip way onto the N1. This person behind me guns it passed me on the yellow line, slams on brakes in front of me & then continues for about the next 100 metres flipping me a variety of signs. Why am I telling you this? Every day we experience these types of incidences. Sometimes we are the person hooting or making judicious use of sign language. The point is, often we have our kids with us or there are kids in other cars around us. SO what you may say. Well, personally I think it’s a huge problem! As adults we are very quick to comment on how rude & disrespectful kids are. We complain about how they don’t want to listen to instruction, obey rules or be considerate to those around them. The irony is we have taught them to be like this. Every time you cut someone off, curse or hoot at someone, race passed on the yellow line or dash through a red robot or stop street we are teaching our kids exactly what is acceptable. As parents we have heard many times that it’s not what you say it’s what you do that kids learn. And this is so very true. By our daily behaviour as we commute, we teach our kids the following: Rules only apply to others Respect & consideration is only important when we need it Stopping to help is someone else’s job, you’ve got somewhere to be We can speak to whomever we choose however we choose, they’ve got to suck it up And we wonder why kids are turning out as they are. Can we change this? Of course we can. Be mindful of how you act & react. Obey the rules, yes even the one about using cell phones in the car Assist people along the way where you can Practice patience. Instead of thinking about what’s wrong, turn up the radio! We forget that our kids watch our every move. They need to see that word & deed is exactly the same. Are you going to slip up? Of course, you are human. When you do, note I say when not if, apologise and reiterate what would have been the better behaviour or better still, ask the kids what you should have done instead. Yip, as parents we sometimes have to suck it up & show our kids that it’s ok to make mistakes; however, it’s what you do about it that’s important. We need to shoe our kids that apologising is important, irrespective of the perceived status of the person offended. Being apparent is one of those roles you take on where you never get to sit back and say “I got this!” there will always be something else that upsets the apple cart. What is important is that our kids see that we keep trying, keep learning, and keep it real.

March 3, 2017
Maz -Caffeine and Fairydust

Ready for your girls’ first period?

Puberty follows a reasonably consistent sequence in girls. At a quick glance, this is what you can expect: first the development of the breast buds, which occur any time between the ages of 7 and 13, followed by the appearance of coarse, dark woollies under the arms and around the genitalia. About 15% of girls develop the other way around: first the pubic hair and then the bee-stings. The first menstrual cycle can be expected, on average, around 2 to 2½ years after the onset of breast development. Although 12.6 years is the average for a first menstrual period to commence, anything from age 9 to 15 is considered standard. Generally, women get their period every 28 days, but an interval of 21 days up to 40 days is also viewed as normal. One telltale sign that your girl is about to have her first period is a whitish, odourless vaginal discharge. This secretion is called leucorrhea and is a normal indicator that hormonal taking place. Leucorrhea is part of the vagina’s natural defense mechanism to maintain a healthy chemical balance, and it also preserves vaginal tissue flexibility. The first day of red or brownish spotting is to be remembered for a very long time. This is an exciting time, but sadly it is often clouded by fear, secrecy and embarrassment. Open and positive communication between mothers and daughters is of paramount importance during this time as the messages received from Mom will play the biggest role in our daughters’ first-time experience and overall view of becoming a woman. Expressions such as ‘the curse’, ‘on the rag’, or ‘the red plague’ are bound to instil fear, disgust and negativity. In too many cases mothers fail to talk to their daughters and neglect to offer the emotional support with regard to changing relationships with parents, siblings and friends. Secrecy around carrying, storing, using and discarding menstrual products is also often implied. Only 15% of young ladies report a positive first-time experience; 68% have no awareness of their mother’s experience with menstruation, and 64% receive negative messages from their mothers. As our girls move toward this rite of passage, it provides us with an ideal platform to strengthen the special mother-daughter bond. Menarche (first menstrual period) celebrations around the world confirm the importance of this huge step into womanhood. In Australia, an Aborigine girl is instructed in ‘love magic’, and taught the female powers of being a woman. In Japan the entire family celebrates a girl’s first period by eating red-coloured rice and beans. In rural India the girl is given a ceremonial bath, adorned with ornate jewels and garments, and the girl’s kith and kin are invited for a ceremony during which it is announced that the girl has come of age. In Kumari, Nepal, the young girls are worshipped as goddesses, and Nootka Indians believe menarche to be a time to test a girl’s physical strength and endurance: she is taken out to sea and left alone in the water. The girl has to swim back and is cheered upon returning to the shore of the village. Don’t you think that it is a brilliant idea to do something really special too for our girls as they join us and share the solidarity amongst women? Be it a private diary to record her experiences as a woman; a special calendar to mark the frequency of her menstrual cycle; pierced ears or a first leg-shave; a new nightie, or a shared outing – let the prospect of her first period be something wondrous and exciting for her to anticipate. Talk to her and explain what is about to happen, and let her be equipped by preparing a special toiletry bag for school: pack an extra panty, a pad or two, and surprise her with a small ’welcome-to-womanhood’ gift. Good luck!

March 2, 2017
Parenting Hub

Sibling Rivalry

While many kids are lucky enough to become the best of friends with their siblings, it’s common for brothers and sisters to fight. What usually causes this? In my opinion the best-of-friends kind of siblings are very few and far between! It is not until much later, I find, that brothers or sisters start getting a long better, and unfortunately, some never do. I have clients who haven’t spoken to a sibling in years! What causes this? You name it and it can be the cause of an argument or a fight; be it toys, friends, clothing; a lot depends on the life stages of the children involved. Between 18 months and 2 years old, for example, a child has a deep seated need to do things for him or herself, and if an older brother or sister, who wants to be a good helper and who wants to do everything for the younger one then comes and interferes, that could cause a lot of frustration-on both sides. So we can go through all the different stages of life and have a number of situations that could cause rivalry. Sometimes though, it is pure personality clashes that cause the friction between two children, so that as well has a very definite influence. Could parents treating their kids differently also have an impact? Most definitely yes. Labelling is one example; if parents label the one child as the little angel who can do absolutely nothing wrong, and another one as a problem child, or even just as the one who needs a little more attention etc., that could cause a lot of rivalry between children. Being unfair as well – if one child is allowed certain things that another one is not, or if one child can get away with murder and only gets a warning as a result thereof, but another child gets punished harsher for the same behaviour or incident, that will make a child feel unloved and emotionally unsafe. One reaction could be to lash out at the sibling because of these hurt feelings being caused. As a parent, what should I do when the fighting starts? Difficult question because it depends on the situation, the age of the children involved and so forth, but basics would be to not get overly emotionally involved. In other words – stay calm! Now, after a hard day’s work at the office, this is way easier said than done! Try not to scream and shout and start handing out slaps left and right, because you are doing nothing to help or better the situation. Acknowledge and validate each child’s feelings; for example “I can see that you are extremely upset.” Immediately this kind of relaxes the child even if it’s just a little, because I don’t have to explain to you what I’m feeling or experiencing. This is one of the tools you use if you are communicating healthily and effectively with people, so this is just one of many situations where you can start teaching your children to communicate better. You create a calm atmosphere, where you guide them into talking about what happened, giving equal time to both to explain their side of the situation. Then, importantly, try to involve them in finding a solution to the problem. So clarify the problem in simple terms for them – for example “okay, so you both would like to play with that specific doll” and then ask them “what plan do you think we can make to solve this problem. Let me just say that this takes a lot of practice and a lot of patients, but no one is perfect and the mere fact that you are consciously trying to implement this is already worth a gold star in my books! If you succeed, you’ll not only diffuse the current situation, but also teach them how to handle situations that might arise in the future. Some believe “not getting involved” as a parent could also help. What’s your take? I do believe that in some cases this approach could be beneficial, because you allow your children to navigate through it themselves, which in itself has a lot of value, but I think it hugely depends on the age of the children involved. For older children this might be a useful way in dealing with it, but for younger children not so much. I think if you withdraw completely, you are not utilising the teaching opportunity that such situations create.  When should I start thinking about getting professional help? When what you’ve tried has not been working for you, and as a result you feel like you are going crazy – remember that siblings will fight, that is normal. Someone once told me that when he had a child, he became a parent, but the moment he had a second child; he became a referee. Sometimes if you really struggle to get it under control, it might be helpful to get some parent counselling – some objective ideas and advice on how to handle your specific situation or to take your children for a play therapy session. Sometimes kids are overly aggressive or irritated, because there is a deeper underlying cause, and through a play therapy session this could be identified and addressed. Any useful tips for parents to keep the peace in the home? You have to try and stay objective and calm. Be fair, so what goes for one, also goes for the other. This also creates a clear set of boundaries which makes a child feel emotionally safe. It’s important that both parents are on the same page with regards to discipline. Validate your children’s frustrations and emotions and involve them in the solving of their specific problems in order to help equip them for future situations.

March 1, 2017
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