Advice Column - Parenting Hub

Advice from the experts

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

MBI Attorneys, share advice on the subject of divorce and reveal this law firms unique approach. How often as parents have we all used spelling a word out as a device to prevent our children from understanding what we are talking about? The hit country and western song of the above name goes a long way towards exposing the complexities and pain attached to divorce. “The spelling out loud of ‘divorce’ by singer Tammy Wynette was certainly a parody but also a soulful rendition of the tale of a parent using an age old ruse in order to spare her child from hearing the dreaded word,” says Beverly Brown, senior partner and co-founder of MBI Attorneys. The song is a divorcee’s perspective on the pending collapse of the marriage. Although written from the woman’s angle it aptly represents either side of the gender coin in the divorce stakes with both parties trying to protect the children caught in the middle and yet get off the battlefield with as few wounds as possible. “I thought it would never happen to me, is a phrase I have heard many times in consultation with clients grappling with this life changing decision and seeking guidance on how to proceed. “Indeed in many instances over the seventeen years I have been practicing as a family law attorney, I have consulted with clients who have not yet finalised that decision in their minds and who desperately seek insight into the impact it would have on their family, their lives and their financial future,” she adds. Beverly says there are a myriad of reasons why people can move to considering divorce. “Some are what would be considered obvious – infidelity; physical or verbal abuse; drug or alcohol addiction. Financial pressure is high on the list and places immense stress on a marriage. In fact studies show that in times of recession divorce statistics rocket skywards. “Other reasons can be of a more subtle nature with insidious changes in a relationship taking place over time with one party changing to an extent that the other can no longer tolerate. This eventually leads to the realisation that living apart is probably the only decision if both partners are to provide a happy environment for their children and themselves,” says Beverly. The harsh reality. Chantelle Martins, partner, MBI attorneys, adds that the implications of this harsh reality are immense. “The financial impact of having to sustain two households from the same income that to date has often barely managed to sustain one, is only one consideration. “There are also the emotional implications – everyone is wounded and egos are dented but the latter needs to be put aside where children are concerned. Attorneys don’t usually look at the wellness aspect of a pending divorce but this is essential and fundamental to how MBI approaches divorce. The emotional or social implications can include loss of friendships; anxiety and even depression which in turn holds implications for the entire family unit,” notes Chantelle. So, what to do when the decision is taken? Beverly advises that the first thing to do is to take responsibility for the choice of attorney. “You can go to a lawyer for a legal solution but be aware that this may not be a practical solution for your family. “What you need is an attorney who will support you whilst driving the process in your best interest. Selecting an attorney is easy – find one who truly understands your particular situation. In short – the lawyer must ‘get it’. If they don’t ‘get it’ – walk on – they are not right for you. You need an attorney who truly understands the reality of the immense trauma you are suffering which often includes living on enemy territory,” says Beverly. MBI takes the approach of empowering our clients with knowledge and understanding of the legal process and the available options. Chantelle explains: “In collaboration with the client we prepare a carefully considered strategy which aims to put the client back in control of their lives. This translates into dignity and respect for clients at a time in their lives when many, if not all, are overwhelmed by events. “The mantra of this practice is founded on three key values: Know your client Know your client and above all – Know your client! “This is critical in terms of the first step in divorce – which is the issuing of the summons. Where children are involved this is a strategic move involving immense sensitivities that must be taken into account. “In hostile situations we assist clients by calculating the impact of actions on the entire family unit. We strive to guide clients and their families to understand that despite the fact that times are tough and even sad for them, this is how they will deal with it and get through it,” notes Chantelle. “A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there’s less of you.” This is a quote from author Margaret Atwood but according to Beverly it does not have to be like that. “A strong support network of friends and family is crucial. But it must be the right support in the shape of people who are capable of making a paradigm shift and putting themselves in your shoes, as opposed to offering solace based on their personal history or disappointments. “There is no doubt that divorce is a lonely journey so we encourage clients to establish a support network but to be discerning about who they discuss the fine details with and to be wary about taking advice from others working through their own emotional scar tissue.” Beverly says Resilience is crucial. “Finding reserves will be difficult but knowing that you are part of the solution to this life problem and working hand in hand with your legal team brings confidence.” Learn what resources your legal team has available, if any. What is meant by that? “In the foregoing I have outlined

July 20, 2017

Four Ways That Parents Can De-Stress

I watched 3 little children in a store yesterday as they chipped away at their mother’s sense of calmness. One child asked her questions, another one spoke loudly over the other two, and the third must have been over tired as she whined and kept hitting the other two children in the shopping cart. Mom finally succumbed to the stress and snapped at them to STOP THE NOISE. It did nothing to quell the chaos. I remember the moments of stress while raising my own 3 children. The noise and the chatter would sometimes get to me easily. I had to learn how to calm myself so that I did not take out my stress on the three little kids who just wanted to be heard and who felt like they were fighting for my attention in competition with their siblings. On a recent episode of my television show Creating Cooperative Kids, I interviewed a parent time and stress management coach who offered tips for parents. Virginia Ann Griffiths (we-leap.com) said the number one thing that parents can do anywhere to calm down is to breathe intentionally. What she meant by this is to breathe deeply to get oxygen to our brain so we will have the power to remain calm in moments of chaos. Here are more tips for parents for distressing. Intentional Breathing. Close your eyes for just a moment and slowly pull in a series of deep breaths through your nose. Feel the air going into your lungs and imagine that you can see the air filling your lungs. Hold it just of a second and then breathe out through your mouth. Just a couple of deep breaths can help you calm down and think clearly before reacting. Quiet Toys. Keep small quiet toys in your purse to give to the kids when they begin to act up. They are likely to create temporary distractions that will give you a few moments of silence to calm yourself. Although many parents hand their child their cell phone or a tablet, avoid this solution. Small media devices are not healthy alternatives for small children. Engage Them in Your Shopping. If you’re out shopping with your children, create a list of items that you’re looking for and get them to help you locate them. Be sure to set up rules in advance before entering the store (such as remaining in the shopping cart and what you are not willing to buy) and get them involved in the adventure. For younger children, cut out and provide for them, pictures of items to find as a way of helping. Take Care of Yourself. Make it a priority to take time out for you whenever you can. Make use of family members and friends who can take the kids for short periods of time so you can have time to yourself. Other matters that seem to be urgent can take over the little time you have away from the kids, but don’t let it. Schedule in time to take care of yourself physically, spiritually, socially and emotionally.

July 20, 2017

University Application Survival Kit

With university application season now in full swing for Matrics who want to pursue further studies next year, stress levels in homes across the country are rising as a result of the demanding administrative requirements associated with the process. But it can be made significantly smoother and less onerous if learners take some time to put together an application survival kit before starting to complete their applications, an education expert says. “When applying for a place at a higher education institution – whether online or in hard copy, whether at a public university or a private institution – there are a number of things you will need and can get ready before you even look at the application forms,” says Dr Felicity Coughlan, Director of The Independent Institute of Education, SA’s largest private higher education provider. Coughlan says learners should prepare hard copies as well as an electronic folder containing all the documents and information they are going to require, as well as keep a log to track applications and all the log in credentials and passwords they will amass to application portals if they are applying to more than one institution. Learners need to make it easy for an institution to accept them by ensuring their applications are complete. “Given limited spaces at universities and fierce competition for popular courses, it is of course imperative that learners keep their options open for next year, by applying to more than one institution and for more than one course. Putting all your eggs in one basket may mean that come 2018, you find that your marks just didn’t make the grade to ensure you get access into your first choice of course or institution, or that you just missed the cut for admission due to high demand for limited space. “But while it is highly advised to have a Plan B, C and even D in place, this means that you need to keep quite a few balls in the air during the application stage. Your application survival kit will help you not to drop them,” she says. Coughlan says that once learners have prepared all their documents and information, they will be able to respond to application requirements in one sitting. “Additionally, you need to ensure that scanned copies of documents are as small as possible to ensure they are not rejected due to an institution’s mail server settings, so do not save them as image files. Also ensure that the names of all documents tie back to you, by including your name, ID number and descriptor of the document in the file name.” Coughlan says that most applications to reputable institutions will require the following: A certified copy of your identity document. Ensure that in the scanned copy the document, the picture, certification stamp and writing are all very clear and easy to read. A certified copy of your Grade 11 school results as well as your April or Prelim Matric results. Your NBT number or results or both. A certified copy of the fee payer’s identity document as well as proof of banking details and residence. A certified testimonial from a school or equivalent if you are applying for residence. Application letters, forms and portfolios for those programmes that require them. All your contact details – telephone numbers, residential and postal addresses as well as a reliable mobile number and e-mail address (consider using your parent or guardian’s details if you are not good at responding to texts and mails). All the contact details of your next of kin, parents, guardians or sponsors – you will need telephone and residential, postal and e-mail details. Coughlan says the application process can further be streamlined and made more manageable if learners also ensure that they: Use easy to remember passwords and login details for online applications and keep records of all of them for each institution. Keep a record of reference numbers sent to them. Carefully track dates and requirements and keep to them, so that they don’t lose out on a place because they forgot, for instance, to pay the application fee. Complete the forms in absolute and correct detail, because mistakes can lead to them losing out on a place if it looks like they were trying to mislead the institution. Have all the information close at hand when filling in applications, so that they are not logged out while searching for something. Use the correct codes for courses as provided, so that there is no misunderstanding of exactly what is being applied for. “The higher education application process is a job in itself, and a matriculant’s first taste of the new responsibilities and challenges that will come after their school years,” says Coughlan. “It is a great opportunity to start taking responsibility for and control of one’s future, and can be an empowering adventure if tackled correctly. And of course, most importantly, learners should start the process right now and ensure they have left their options open, and definitely not leave things until later in the year or even next year, when their chances of acceptance into a programme or institution will be significantly diminished.”

July 19, 2017

Grieving with children

I’ve done a fair bit of grief counselling over my time since internship until now and one thing has always struck me as a significant reflection after each such session: We are often so unprepared to deal with death, especially the first time around and even more so when it strikes without advanced warning. This thing that is a part of our lives and the life of every other human being and living, breathing organism so often hits us so hard. Objectively speaking, it really shouldn’t seem as scary as it is, given that it as much a part of our cycle as is first being born, facing puberty, adulthood, mid-life and eventually old age. Then again, don’t each of those stages come with their own traumatic consequences, sometimes hitting harder than grief ever will? So, how do people cope more peacefully or less chaotically in any traumatic event? Resilience and preparedness are the two main factors that play a role. How much did you know about what happened and how “tough” were you to it? If you look at people who have endured the loss of a close loved one, often their grief process is less severe the second time around. This is because they have been through this and have some of the requisite coping skills from before. So, how do we prepare or help those we care for most, with one of the hardest matters they’ll ever face? So much depends on their age and their ability to conceptualise the loss they are faced with, as such there is not necessarily a “one size fits all” approach, although there are a few pointers listed below that may help along the way: For children of any age, it’s worth focussing on the following: Pay attention to them, remind them of their importance, and validate their opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Be patient and open minded. Allow them to grieve in their own way, as this is their own unique process. Have time to sit with them, listen and answer their questions, as there will be many. Reassure them the circumstances of to the death were extreme and it is unlikely other adults in their lives will die any time soon (unless this is untrue). Let them know that a range of different emotions are normal and that they’re likely to feel all sorts of things like anger and confusion. Validate their feelings and do not minimise them with expressions like “It’ll all be over soon”. Check in with other adults involved in their life to make sure they are doing as ok as can be expected, or that they are not showing more extreme signs of grief away from the home. Stay in touch with school, mentors, coaches etc. For those who find it still difficult to discuss loss with their children, here’s a short list of books that can help with the process, depending on the type of loss encountered. Krasny-Brown, L. and M. Brown: When Dinosaurs Die Thomas, P.: I Miss You: A first look at death Clifton, L.: Everett Anderson’s Goodbye Holmes, M.: Molly’s Mom Died and Sam’s Dad Died Vigna, J.: Saying Goodbye to Daddy Old, W.: Stacy Had a Little Sister Cohen, J.: I Had a Friend Named Peter Coleman, P.: Where the Balloons Go DePaola, T.: Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs Thomas, J.: Saying Goodbye to Grandma

July 19, 2017

Smoking causes permanent harm to babies, both before and after they are born

Mothers who smoke during or after pregnancy not only affect their own health, but they can also cause permanent harm to their babies. As we observe Anti-Tobacco Campaign Month, it is our collective responsibility to educate and support mothers to both limit the harm that their smoking may cause to their children and to stop smoking altogether. “There is no doubt that smoking during pregnancy can harm your unborn child. Tobacco use during pregnancy has been conclusively linked to increased chance of miscarriage, premature birth and low birth weight,” says Dr Mhleli Masango, Medical Director of the South African Breastmilk Reserve (SABR). “It also increases the chance of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) and birth defects like cleft palates,” she continued. * Many mothers stop smoking during pregnancy but then resume once their baby is born. However, dozens of scientific studies have shown that exposure to even small amounts of cigarette smoke or nicotine in your breastmilk can significantly harm your baby. ** “Children of smokers are far more prone to pneumonia, asthma, ear infections, bronchitis, sinus infections, eye irritation, and croup. They are also more likely to suffer from colic, and visit their doctors three times more than children of non-smokers,” explains Masango. “Perhaps worst of all, children whose parents smoke are more likely to become smokers themselves,” she said. ** The only guaranteed way to prevent this harm is to stop smoking, but mothers who are unable to quit can limit the harm by smoking outside, away from their babies, and by ensuring that no one else smokes near their babies. They can also smoke immediately after breastfeeding to cut down on the amount of nicotine in their milk. It takes 95 minutes for half of the nicotine to be eliminated from your body, so mothers should wait as long as possible between smoking and nursing. “Mothers who struggle to quit smoking should not stop breastfeeding. The benefits of breastfeeding outweigh any harm caused by smoking,” says Masango. “Breastfeeding actually counteracts some of the effects of smoking but the best solution is still to quit completely.” ** Unfortunately, even with these preventative measures, smoking makes it harder to breastfeed. Smoking has been conclusively linked to earlier weaning, with the heaviest smokers tending to wean the earliest. It also lowers milk production and interferes with the flow of milk while nursing. South African law recognises the dangers of smoking and is making it increasingly difficult to smoke near other people. For example, it is now illegal to smoke in any car, including your own, if one of the passengers is under 12 years old. It’s also illegal to smoke on the premises (including outside of buildings) of any properties used for commercial childcare activities, schooling or tutoring. *** Smoking is no longer allowed outside of designated areas in any public buildings, including all restaurants, bars and other businesses. This even includes smoking in partially enclosed areas like balconies and parking areas. The fines for both smokers and property owners are steep. “While it’s not currently illegal to smoke while pregnant, we should expect the laws to continue to tighten,” says Masango. “Smoking is increasingly seen as both anti-social and unacceptable. We recognise that quitting can be difficult, but during Anti-Tobacco Campaign Month we urge all parents to make a concerted effort to become smoke free.” For more information about breastfeeding, pregnancy and childhood health please visit www.sabr.org.za or call 011 482 1920 or e-mail: [email protected].

July 18, 2017

What is the difference between a night nurse and a night nanny?

Your babies have arrived home and you are so excited to finally have two or even three bundles to finally put into the nursery that you have spent countless hours decorating. There has been many a day you have sat in the arm chair carefully positioned staring into the cots dreaming about the moment you will get to see and touch your babies. You couldn’t wait to hear the cries and immediately kick into ‘ mom mode” and take charge of the situation offering endless hugs and kisses. That can all change in one sleepless night as you begin to wonder how you are going to get through the night and still sleep and then take care of your babies during the day. Many families resort the use of a night nanny or night nurse. This is a costly exercise but as many will tell you even one or two nights off “mom and dad” duty a week can give anybody the sanity that they miss. Aupairs Exclusive has been placing night nurses in Gauteng and KZN for ten years. They find that the most common schedule is to have a nurse work is from Sunday to Thursday night as dad is home to help on a Friday and Saturday night. Another common option is one night on and one night off, this makes it more affordable and still gives you a chance to have some sleep. For this option you are ideally looking at a Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday night. What is the difference between a night nurse and a night nanny? The biggest difference would be the qualifications. A night nurse is exactly as it states a qualified nurse who has worked either in the maternity ward, paediatrics or NICU. A night nanny is a lady who has a care workers certificate and has also completed her practicals. Both ladies could have also completed a basic sleep training course that Aupairs Exclusive offers and is taught by Pikanini Baby Academy. They ladies will also earn different salaries. Both ladies will wear a uniform when on duty How long are their contracts? There is no minimum requirement for this so one can employ a nurse for one week or for six months to a year. it is entirely up to you. The norm is to have a person for 3 months and then extend it month by month if needed until you babies are sleeping through. Nobody wants to pay someone to sit and watch their babies sleep. What do I need to provide for my night nurse? So long as there is a comfortable armchair in the room for her to sit on nothing else is needed. Some households have a single bed in the room if there is enough space. This is not always recommend as you don’t want your nurse falling into a deep sleep. Another option is to allow the nurse to sit in the lounge and watch TV quietly if you have baby monitors that she can use. Providing meals is not expected but tea and coffee and a light snack is something that should be available for her during the night Can I use a night nurse if I am breast feeding? Most definitely. The nurse will come and wake you up at the time you have asked her to and then assist you with the breast feeding. She may help you latch the babies on if you are struggling. She will then take them and burp them as they finish drinking, change their nappies and put them back to sleep. This assistance cuts down your awake time and you don’t need to stay in the room and still try and settle them. If baby drinks slowly this allows you time to bond with this baby while the other one is being attended to. What duties can you expect the nurse to perform? If it fits into your schedule she can bath the babies when she arrives. She will then prepare bottles, feed the babies, burp them and put them down to sleep. The nurse will also empty the nappy bins and wash and sterilise bottles before she leaves in the morning. You can also expect her to keep a chart so that you know what time the babies ate, how much they ate and if they had any dirty nappies. What are the working hours of a night nurse? The ladies work a 12 hour shift, the most common is 18 h00 to 6am or 19h00 to 7am. The seven to seven option is usually better as this allows the night nurse time to give a hand over to any day staff that may be arriving What should I look for when I am interviewing potential candidates? The ideal candidate will have worked previously in homes with multiples. Hospital trained staff are not necessarily the best candidates because they have many hands to help them while on shift so they have not taken sole care of a child for 12 hours. A former night nanny will have taken care of the twins on her own for 12 hours and this is the type of reference you want. You would also want to know if she knows about sleep training and if it is a method you approve of. An important question you could ask is how will she feed two babies at the same time and then put them down to sleep. Very important is that the mom feels a connection with the candidate. The bedroom is small and if your are breast feeding you are going o be spending a lot of time with her. You do not want someone that you clash with. Some moms want a nurse that comes in and takes over, this is often the case with first time moms. Other moms would prefer a nurse that listens to their requirements and follows the routine set out by the mom even if it is not something

July 17, 2017

Ban the baby blues

Around 20% of new mothers experience ‘the blues’ or postnatal depression, and almost all new moms at some stage in the first month or two have weepy sessions. The changes to the body both during pregnancy and afterwards are huge, but here again with the correct nutrition during and after pregnancy, you can get around many of the causative factors of the blues. Important DIY deficiency symptom tests The blues can be caused by several things, but a lack of three main ones are noted: zinc, Vitamin B6 and essential fatty acids (notably Omega-3s from fish oil). Take these three little tests to see whether you are deficient in any three nutrients. TEST 1 Are there white marks on your finger nails? Do you have stretch-marks? Is your appetite poor? Is your sense of taste and smell poor? If you answered YES to the first two and any others, you may have a zinc deficiency at this time. The worse it is, the more symptoms you will have. Zinc is such an important nutrient, and one many people are deficient in anyway, but particularly after giving birth. If you are deficient, supplement a zinc tablet of 15-22mg a day twice a day until you start to notice you are feeling better, then take just one tablet a day. TEST 2 Do you have pain and stiffness in arms and/or hands? Have you got painful ‘knots’ on the last joint of your fingers? Do you get headaches? Do you suffer from: Bad breath, dizziness, extreme nervousness? Burning pain and/or abdominal cramps? Lethargy? Dizziness? Swollen ankles? An itching red rash around genitals? Sore lips, mouth and tongue? Lots of dandruff? Do you take Theophylline for asthma? Once again the more ‘YES’ answers here, the more your need for Vitamin B6 is obvious. A good starting point is to take a quality brand B-complex supplement. Find one which has around 50mg of each B vitamin, as B vitamins work best together. Too much of one B vitamin for too long ends up depleting the others, so take a complex to avoid this happening. Check that you get about 50mg of Vitamin B6 in this supplement, otherwise if not sufficient, add a good Vitamin b6 in addition to this Vitamin B complex. TEST 3 Is your skin very dry? Do you have stretch-marks? Do you have extremely dry hair? Is there a ‘goosebump’ rash on the upper arms and/or upper thighs? Do you sometimes experience excessive thirst? Do you experience frequent urination? Do you have attention problems? Are you depressed/anxious? If you answered YES to these you are likely to be deficient in Omega-3 essental fatty acids, and a good fish oil supplement which is ultra-refined (mercury-free) will help to restore you to your old self. A supplement is strongly recommended, even though fish is the source of these helpful fatty acids, and we should be eating fish regularly as part of a healthy diet. However, we just don’t get enough of what we need anymore unless we take good quality supplements and this is no exception. Super nutrients for super milk production then are going to include foods rich in these ingredients to ensure that you are covering all those nutrients. In effect, eating a diet rich in wholegrains, fibre, vegetables, healthy fats, ‘clean’ protein free of hormones and antibiotics, together with plenty of purified water will be best for any new mom. Essential nutrients As can be seen from the above three tests, Vitamins B6, zinc and healthy fats are pivotal at this time. But they are not the only ones you should be concerned with. By taking a specialised pregnancy or prenatal supplement, you will be getting all the important nutrients needed for yourself and your baby at this time. If you find from the above tests that you are still short in Vitamin B6 and zinc, these needs to be added. Omega-3 essential fatty acids from fish oil are always needed, whether you are showing a deficiency or not. Food sources of these nutrients: Good sources of Vitamin B6 are fish, bananas, chicken, pork, wholegrains and dried beans. Good sources of zinc include pumpkin seeds, beef, lamb, turkey, chicken, salmon, wholegrain cereals, brown rice, wholewheat bread, potatoes and yoghurt. Good sources of Omega-3 essential fatty acids cannot be eaten successfully other than from a seafood source. Eating fatty fish is good, and fish oil supplements from a purified supplement is an excellent source of pure bio-available EPA and DHA. As seen earlier, flaxseed oil is not a substitute in this instance as the conversion rate is virtually non-existent. We advise against krill oil mainly for humane reasons, as this is the bottom of the food chain, and the food of penguins and whales. Studies are showing that their food source is now under threat due to over-harvesting of the drill in the oceans. We get plenty of Omega-6 fatty acids from a diet high in plants, lean meats, nuts and seeds – so there really is no need to supplement this unless you show a serious deficiency.

July 15, 2017

Favouritism And Your Children

When I go into homes I often hear comments like, ‘She is Mommy’s girl and that one is Daddy’s girl’ or ‘He’s the apple of my eye’ and such like. Comments like these stick with children. They realize that they can ‘never’ attain that place in Mommy’s or Daddy’s heart because it is already taken. Every child is unique and special and should be treated as such. There should never be an element of doubt that they are equally loved. Because of the complexity of different personalities in one home, It is common for a parent to prefer one child above another, or to just get on better with one more than the other. The child can easily misinterpret this preference as, ‘Mommy loves him more than me.’ And sometimes, sadly, this is the case! CS Lewis wrote: When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him. If you injure someone you dislike, you will find yourself disliking him more. If you do him a good turn, you will find yourself disliking him less. – CS Lewis, Mere Christianity In almost every family I have helped, there would typically be an introvert followed by an extrovert, or the other way around. The first two children are always opposite in my experience. It is easy to greet the ‘sunshine’ child with an excited ‘Morning!’ when he comes in with a huge smile in between yawning and rubbing his eyes to wake up, while his sibling comes in sullen and serious and is met with a more serene and subdued greeting. Children tend to pick up those underlying differences but misinterpret them as ‘one child is wrong and the other is right’. When a second child makes its arrival in the family, Dad generally takes on the task of bonding with the older one so Mom can be involved with the baby. This is great, but the time also needs to come where they swop over. Then eventually they receive equal attention. If the child constantly refuses to allow one parent to help or do anything, then that parent should insist on helping. This will transition smoothly if there is opportunity for bonding time; especially making opportunities for time with that parent alone. When a child feels like the second best, he will start taking it out on the sibling and the bond that they could have had will be broken. The picture portrayed should rather be Mom and Dad in a ‘team’ (a force to be reckoned with), and the children should be standing together. Too often I see an alliance formed between one parent and a child against the other parent and the other child.

July 15, 2017

How to Choose a Safe Holiday Camp

Sending your kids to overnight camp can be nerve-racking if you’re going to be stressing about their safety. It’s important that you choose a camp that has trustworthy staff and safe facilities. To put your mind at ease, here are some suggested questions that you should ask concerning the safety policy of a sleepover camp for your kids: What is the ratio of staff to children? Staff ratios are very important. The higher the number of counselors to campers, the more supervised your children will be. A higher staff to child ratio means a more controlled environment and will ensure that your kids are getting the quality supervision and attention they require. How have the staff been trained? Your children should be in the care of staff that are at least qualified to render basic first aid, also known as Emergency First Response. You need to also question their psychological training in terms of how they would handle a case of bullying or homesickness at camp. What is the camp’s policy on parental contact during camp? A camp that is running ethically will not completely cut-off ties between parents and their children. The camp must allow some sort of contact between the campers and their parents during camp, like an occasional email home or a telephone line that allows parents to speak directly to their kids in a case of emergency. Some camps post pictures of the campers on their social media platforms so that parents can become a part of their children’s experiences too. Does the camp have a policy for screening visitors? A camp that places great emphasis on who can and who cannot enter the property is a camp that you can trust. Proper safety precautions should be implemented when visitors come to camp, such as CCTV surveillance and proper sign-in and sign-out facilities. Does the camp prevent two people from ever being alone together? According to the American Camp Association (ACA), it’s inappropriate for a camp employee to be alone and out of sight with a camper, as well as a camper to be alone with another camper regardless of gender. There should always be at least three people present in these rare cases of seclusion, and one of those people must be the child’s supervising counselor. This safety policy is commonly known as a “Buddy System”. Does the camp conduct background checks on staff and counselors? It is of utmost importance that the camp conducts background checks and a police clearance on their staff and counselors. This is vital as their employees will be working with children who are vulnerable and require safe and specialized care. Asking the right questions before selecting a camp will ensure your children are well cared for in a controlled and safe environment, and it will further help put your mind at ease while they are away from home.

July 15, 2017

Do Cribs Cause Brain Damage?

We recently received a message from one of our followers to ask our opinion on the type of articles that are claiming that sleeping in cribs can cause brain damage in babies. Munchkins Coach Celeste Rushby, who is also an Occupational Therapist and mother of 3 (all of which were born very prematurely) answers: ‘’Over the past few years I have read, amongst many others, Jill Bergman’s book (Hold your Prem) and have also attended many courses presented by Dr Nils Bergman, who is an expert on Kangaroo Mother Care (KMC) and its positive effects on young babies, especially premature infants. I have also attended numerous other baby sleep courses. I also studied Neurodevelopment Supportive Care of High-Risk Infants and read many articles about the research on baby sleep and the neural implications of various environmental influences that have an impact on it. Unfortunately, I have often found that a selection of social media articles incorrectly reference some of the above-mentioned books/courses – often twisting the wording in the hopes of selling their own views on the subject. Firstly, these articles often refer to studies that have been done with “infants”. The term infant can refer to any child, ranging between the ages of new born to 12 months old. The generalisation is a concern, since the actual age of the baby is extremely important in formulating relevant conclusions. Results of these type of studies done on a 2-week old baby, for example, would differ significantly when done on, say, a 6-month old baby. Personally, I encourage moms to practice Kangaroo Mother Care and baby wearing often for the first 6 weeks, while baby adjusts to the change from womb to world (or until 4-6 weeks adjusted age for premature infants). That is when babies need it. Then we gradually help baby to feel comfortable in his/her own cot by including mom’s scent on a cuddle blankie, along with slow, rhythmic patting (to mimic mom’s heartbeat in the womb) and a sucking tool to help baby transition to the comfort of the cot – but never leaving the baby to cry at this stage. Often referred to as ‘’Ferberizing’’ (thanks to Dr Ferber who first started with this method), is the old ‘’cry out method’’ where you put baby down in the cot, walk out, close the door and leave baby to scream and scream to eventually give up and pass out. Doing this can actually cause baby to go into fight-flight-fright mode, which releases cortisol and adrenaline hormones. This is what is referred to when articles start referencing neurological damage and a reduction in brain growth. It can also make baby feel rejected and unloved with possible long-term negative psychological effects. Some sleep trainers still encourage the use of this method, which is not a method that I support at all. The proposed “research” offered in the specific articlethat this response is based on, that compares co-sleeping babies to cot-sleeping babies, was conducted on a mere 16 babies. Accurate medical research would only be recognised when conducted with AT LEAST 1 000 babies. Nevertheless, the reason that babies who sleep on mom have far more “quiet sleep” versus their cot-sleeping counterparts is quite simply, due to the Moro reflex (also known as the startle reflex). If the cot-sleepers were sleeping on their tummies (like those sleeping on their moms’ chests) or if they had been swaddled when in side- or back-sleeping positions, they wouldn’t be having any autonomic responses which are caused by the Moro reflex – especially if given a sucking tool. The Moro reflex is responsible for the frequent waking (with arms flailing) in un-swaddled back- or side-sleeping babies, and continues until 12 to 15 weeks old. Articles that are written on these topics can often be disturbing due to misconstrued information that is offered up as “research”, with highlighted extracts such as “stress and lack of sleep damages brain development”.And it can, of course, but not in the way that these articles are claiming. A baby that is dependent on mom to fall asleep (after 10 to 12 weeks) is also dependent on mom to put them BACK to sleep after every sleep cycle. This broken sleep is not only bad for baby’s development and health, but terrible for mom too! How on earth are you supposed to be an affectionate, caring, nurturing mother (which is what your baby needs most) when you are stressed and severely sleep deprived? When mom and baby sleep well, both are SOOO much happier, and have better brain function and immune systems, as well as better overall psychological health and a stronger bond with each other. Babies over 6 weeks do not NEED their moms to assist them to achieve sleep happily and comfortably without any stress. Unfortunately, parents often make the mistake of teaching their babies that they aren’t able to self-soothe, and need their mother’s help. This continues to become a learnt behaviour which leads to dependence on external sources to help them fall asleep (and stay asleep). I have often found when helping parents who’s 6month+ old babies are still dependent on mom to fall asleep (and to stay asleep), that the babies are anxious at sleep time and “fight” sleep. But in the case where baby has been gradually and age-appropriately taught to self-soothe, the babies would be more likely to enjoy a little cuddle with mommy, then just about dive into their cots with the same “oh yay, it’s sleep time” feeling we experience when we get to go to bed! They are then most likely to happily roll over with their cuddle blankie and peacefully drift off to sleep. Then everyone gets good quality sleep, which results in good quality awake time too!’’

July 15, 2017

5 Tips for finding a good holiday camp

The opportunity for your kids to gain new friends and a better sense of independence and maturity is best provided by a sleepover camp during the school holidays. These holiday camps are also called ‘summer camps’. There are a variety of sleepover camps available and choosing the right camp for your child’s interest is important if they are going to enjoy their school holidays. Despite the overwhelmingly wide selection of camps to choose from, camps that children are likely to enjoy do have a few things in common. When searching for a good holiday camp for your children, be sure to look for these 5 things: 1. Find a camp that is technology-free. A camp that doesn’t allow your kids to carry their mobile and gaming devices are usually the best option. These camps provide your children with a break away from technology and allow them to participate and gain the complete camp experience without any distractions. This will also allow your children to form new face-to-face friendships, which will often be the highlight of their experience. 2. Find a camp with an outdoor focus. It’s good to find a camp located in a natural environment. This will allow your children to enjoy the tranquility of being away from the bustling city life. In the past, summer camps used their natural settings and encouraged children to play in an outdoor environment. However, this is not always the case today as many camps are located in busy, urban environments such as college campuses. 3. Find a camp that has a flexible and age-appropriate program. Some summer camps have a fixed program structure and do not allow your child to choose what they would like to participate in. Since the majority of children do not enjoy being forced to do compulsory activities, you should try to find a camp that is flexible in this regard. As much as structured activities are great for balance and discipline, non-structured activities are great for freedom of expression and personal growth. You would also be wise to find out what sort of activities are on offer and whether these activities will be suitable for your child’s interests and age group. 4. Find a camp that practices environmental education. A camp that gets children involved with nature in a hands-on way is exactly what you should be looking for if you live in the city. These camps schedule a time where nature can be explored and discovered, creating the perfect opportunity for children to learn an appreciation for the environment. Exceptional camps promote recycling and always work towards reducing their environmental footprint and encourage children to do the same. 5. Find a camp that provides three good meals a day. It is essential that children are provided with good, nutritious meals three times a day. Some camps are criticized for failing to provide healthy meals for their campers. You need to ensure that the camp you choose follows a menu which is suitable for the healthy growth and development of your child, as well as food that your children will enjoy. Well-fed campers are always happy campers. A summer camp which checks all these boxes is a camp worth trying. As an added measure, you may also want to read the reviews on camps’ social media pages to make sure that other parents recommend your chosen camp. Once that’s done, your children are good to go and will very likely want to return for the next school holiday.

July 15, 2017

How camp helps shy and insecure children

One reason that many parents send their kids to a holiday camp like Sugar Bay is so that they can make new friends and become more confident in a safe and fun environment, without the added pressure that often comes from school or home. Evidently, many children have left Sugar Bay’s shores having received much personal benefit from their holiday experience. They share their stories below: Mvelo (High school student, Parktown): Sugar Bay changed my life forever. Before I came to Sugar Bay, I had a low self-esteem; I was anti-socialand never had any friends. I chose to rather be at home, indoors, rather than playing outside because I was afraid of socializingwith other kids as I felt like they would judge me. All of that began to change when I came to Sugar Bay, 10 years ago. I was inspired and encouraged to break out of my shell and socialize. Since then, I love coming back to Sugar Bay and making new friends. I’ve loved every single moment I’ve spent here at camp. Now, I have more confidence in myself. Basani (High school student, Lonehill): Sugar Bay has taught me that it’s okay to be me and that everyone at Sugar Bay is your friend. To this day, I am still friends with those girls from my first camp, as well as other camps I have been to thereafter. Today, I am a confident, open “social butterfly”, and I would be none of these things if it weren’t for Sugar Bay. Matej (High school student, Johannesburg): I used to be a shy personwho didn’t really have friendsand never wanted to participate in any activities. I always pretended to have a good time, but secretly, I wanted to be somewhere else. I used to have anger management issuesbut all of that changedwhen I came here. I hope to continue to teach the kids the lessons I was taught the first time I came to camp. Unlike other environments, holiday camps are specifically aimed at assisting children to overcome certain issues and to help them gain the skills they require to become confident and courageous individuals. If you are a parent with a shy and insecure child – a holiday camp at Sugar Bay is a good option to consider. The above testimonials reveal limited information about the reviewer in order to protect the privacy of the children. However, Sugar Bay’s Facebook Page boasts over 150 public reviews, which parents are encouraged to browse through if they are considering booking a camp.

July 15, 2017

5 Camp Games to Play at Home

Restricting the amount of time your kids spend with technology can be very challenging. The best way to do this, it to motivate them to participate in equally interesting activities that can be played outdoors. This is how holiday camps do it – they keep kids entertained with fun games outside so that they forget all about the TV, computer or cellphone inside! Here are 5 popular camp games that you can play with the kids at home: 1. Stalk the lantern Stalk the lantern is a game which was inspired by the army and typically played during the dark. Everyone needs to be dressed in black and have their faces painted, just as the soldiers camouflage themselves in the army. Divide the players into teams and select the same number as the teams to get representatives to form the lantern. The representatives are responsible for shining the flashlight on players in order to get them out of the game. The objective of the game is to get as close to the lantern as possible when the lights are out, without having the flashlight shine on you. 2. Capture the flag Capture the flag is a traditional outdoor game, where two teams each have a flag and the objective is to capture the other team’s flag. The flag is located at each team’s “base”. The teams would have to find the flag and bring it safely back to their own base. 3. Treasure Hunt The game of the pirates, as it’s commonly known, treasure hunts are a popular and also a very exciting game to play. The objective of the game is to find hidden “treasure”. The game could include searching for items, following clues as a group, or splitting into teams to race to a prize. You can be very creative with this game by creating maps as clues or using riddles that need to be solved, which makes it very interesting. 4. Minute-to-win-it Inspired by the television game show hosted by Guy Fieri, this game is basically a race against the clock, whereby contestants need to complete ten deceptively simple games to win the grand prize. The contestants have 60 seconds to complete each challenge, which increase in difficulty as the game progresses, or they are eliminated. 5. Fear Factor Also inspired by the television game show, Fear Factor is a very popular and interactive game at camp. A group of contestants are challenged to perform a number of terrifying and/or disgusting stunts. If a contestant refuses a challenge, fails in a challenge, or has the worst performance in a challenge, that contestant is eliminated from the competition. The contestant or team that manages to complete all of the stunts, including finishing the final stunt in the fastest time wins the game. These fun camp-inspired games will definitely bring the family together and keep everyone away from their devices.

July 15, 2017

10 Tips on How to Better Manage your Nanny

Having a nanny in your home means you are an employer and she is an employee. Regardless of your nanny working in your home, you still need to actively manage your nanny in order to bring out the best in her. Discussing aspects of her work role in advance can help you and your nanny manage existing expectations and allow for better communication in your working relationship. Here are ten steps to help you achieve this: Review how your nanny travels to work on a daily basis. What is her route, what is her mode of transport? What is the current cost? What is her back up plan if her primary mode of transport fails? What is your backup plan if her transport fails and she is unable to get to work? How will you as an employer tackle transport costing going up in the year? Diarise any visits to the clinic or hospital should she need to pick up her medication be it on a regular monthly or weekly basis. It is important to sit down with your nanny and work this out so that it can be included into your family schedule and her working schedule. Diarise any visits to home affairs. Foreign nannies that do not have valid work permits in their passports, are required to renew their permits regularly. This also includes asylum permit holders. Once you know your child’s school schedule and extra mural activities, it is helpful to put up the time schedule so that your nanny can see what is going on especially if she needs to pick up your children from school or take them to any extra mural activities. We recommend that you review it with her as well. Work with your child and your nanny to set up rules of behaviour that are acceptable and unacceptable in your family home. Review her working hours, time schedule, overtime etc. This may change from year to year as family dynamics and circumstances change, children move into new grades, you move house, husband has to commute, new job etc Review her salary, salary increase, bonus, etc. If she does receive an increase, let her know when it will happen and how much. Also if she gets a bonus or 13thcheque and it is performance based, let her know what is important to you. E.g. a good attitude, getting to work on time. Be specific here. Review your and her holiday schedule so she is aware well in advance when she can expect a break. Foreign nannies especially need to know so that they can make the necessary plans to visit their families. Review how sick leave works, what she is entitled to, when she needs a doctor’s note etc. Make the time to discuss important issues with your nanny just like one would have a meeting at work. It is helpful to have a set time to discuss and review ordinary tasks, and changes that may happen during the week. This builds the relationship, ongoing communication, creates the space for constructive criticism and positive reinforcement. This regular time creates the space for the nanny to make contributions as well. Take time to listen to her too. Remember to APPRECIATE your nanny. This could be a simple thank you or an acknowledgment of a task well done. Visit www.supernannies.co.zatoday to see how we can help you

July 15, 2017

How do you choose the right domestic nanny worker/nanny?

It’s important to prioritise your family’s needs and then look for a nanny that suits your family. There is no such thing as the perfect nanny.A pleasant personality and experience is more important that lots of qualifications. References are important to check up on. Qualities to look for in a nanny are a good attitude, honesty, reliability, shows initiative and a willingness to communicate and do the tasks the mother’s way. Skills can always be taught. As a parent, it is important to trust your gut instinct when making your choice. Nobody is perfect but the nanny must fit in with your family requirements and the parent/employer must be realistic about their own expectations. Points to consider during your nanny interview and trial period Did the candidate arrive for the interview well groomed and neatly dressed? Did she wash her hands before holding your child? Was she punctual, and did she phone if late? Did she apologise if she was late and lost? Does she have a sense of orderliness that is compatible with your own? Is she physically capable of handling the nanny job? Does she show an interest in your children? How does she interact with your child? Does she seem intelligent and have common sense? Do you feel relaxed and comfortable talking to her What are the rates for domestic nanny workers/nannies? There are some subtle differences when it comes to the job description and salary rates of childcare’s which we call domestic nanny workers and /or nannies; aupairs and aupairs. Super Nannies childcare roles and expected salary range: Job title: Domestic nanny Description: A person whose responsibilities include caring for young children and doing light cleaning in the home. Education: minimum education Salary: R4000 – R5500 Driving: No Housework: Yes but generally light work as she has to balance childcare and housework Childcare: Yes Cooking: Yes/No Job title: Nanny or childcare Description: A person whose responsibilities only include caring for young children and doing perhaps some laundry and ironing. Education: Minimum education Salary: R4000 – R5500 Driving: No Housework: Yes but housework associated with the child. Sorting toys, laundry and ironing Childcare: Yes Cooking: Yes to cook the child’s food Job title: Nanny Aupair (Naupairs) Description: A well-spoken, well educated person whose responsibilities only include caring for young children and doing light housework Education: Tertiary education Salary: R6500 + Driving: Yes but may not have own car Housework: light housework associated with the child. Childcare: Yes Cooking: Yes to cook the child’s food Job title: Aupair Description: Normally a young student studying at University or a mature person Education: Always includes a tertiary education Salary: R80/R85 per hour/R4500 – R8500 for half day/R8000+ full day Driving: Yes with own car Housework: No Childcare: Yes – playing, helping with homework and driving children to extra mural activities. Cooking: Yes to cook the child’s food What about annual, sick and maternity leave Annual leave A nanny is still your employer despite being part of your family and home environment. It is important that if your nanny is working for you permanently that you have a employment contract with her outlining her job role and responsibilities. The standard conditions of employment apply to her too. As an employer you must grant her at least: Three weeks annual leave on full pay in respect of each 12 months of employment. The minimum of three weeks annual leave must be granted not later than six months after the end of the annual leave cycle, or the year in which the leave was earned. The leave earned in one year must be granted over a continuous period i.e. on consecutive days, if requested by the worker. Sick leave During every sick leave cycle of 36 months, a domestic nanny is entitled to paid sick leave equal to the number of days she would normally work during a period of six weeks (approximately 30 days). For the first six months of employment, the domestic nanny is only entitled to sick leave at the rate of one day’s paid sick leave for every 26 days worked. Maternity leave A domestic nanny is entitled to at least four consecutive months (unpaid) maternity leave. UIF will offer some compensation while she is on maternity leave depending on how long she has been contributing to UIF. A domestic nanny may not work for six weeks after the birth of her child unless a medical practitioner certifies that she is fit to do so. Would one have to draw up a contract and what should the contract entail At Super Nannies, we do encourage the employer in this case the parent to draw up a contract with the nanny especially if its a permanent job role. This is important for two key reasons. The advantage of a written agreement is that the employer and the domestic nanny worker will have clarity about each other’s rights and duties. By providing a written contract it also makes the domestic nanny nanny feel secure in her job and gives her the knowledge that her employer takes her role seriously. However you don’t need a written agreement to establish a binding contract of employment. A spoken agreement of employment is just as binding as a written one but the law does require that written particulars of employment must be handed to the nanny on commencement of her job. In an employment contract the following particulars must be supplied: Identities of the employer and worker, and the place of work Is the agreement for an indefinite or fixed period starting date The nature of the job and duties Salary, including the value of any payments in kind Wage, or rate and method of payment Rate of pay for overtime Any other cash payments the domestic nanny is entitled to Any payment in kind that the domestic nanny is entitled to and the value of the payment in kind How frequently wages will be paid Any deductions to be made from the wage Whether

July 15, 2017

Why the is stimulation of little babies so important?

When it comes to stimulation in babies, there seems to be two camps: On the one side we have people who don’t see the need for it and say, “What can a baby do in anyway? They are still so tiny and dependant” or “There is no need to stimulate and teach children before the age of 3.” And then we have the other side, who mostly work with children, who say that it is extremely important to stimulate and teach a child form as early as possible. Starting with baby massage.” So what does the research show? Research indicates that children learn best in an environment which allows them to explore, discover and play. It is also closely tied to the development of cognitive, socio-emotional and physical behaviours. The problem, especially for first time parents, is that the amount of information and research is overwhelming and parents often don’t know where to begin. Add time constraints to this and parents find themselves spending more time researching what to do to aid in their child’s development, than actually playing and bonding with their children. Why is stimulation little babies so important? Recent brain research has found that an infant’s environment dramatically affects brain-building and healthy development. This early stage of brain development results in how and how well one thinks and learns both as children and as adults. You might have heard the expression that children have sponges for brains as they soak everything in. This is because of a biological need and desire to learn. During the first years of a baby’s life, the brain is building the wiring system. Stimulation and activity in the brain creates these connections called synapses. The amount of stimulation received directly affects how many synapses are formed and so repetitive and consistent stimulation strengthens these connections and makes them permanent. Researchers have discovered that the foundational networking of a brain’s synapses is nearly complete by 3 years of age. This shows us that we as parents and caregivers have an important job to assist in building the brain especially in the first 3 years of a child’s life. The SkidZ program focuses on one-on-one stimulation. Infants have a natural and definite preference for the human face, voice, touch and smell, above everything else and so an infant’s best toy is you, the parent or caregiver. Children learn through play and we encourage them to explore and discover, using you as their caregiver and items provided in the SkidZ Clever Activity Boxes. We as parents easily fall into the trap of constantly buying new toys, which they get bored of quickly, when research clearly shows that toys are not their first preference. Playing with a caregiver is. This starts as early as birth with baby massage. SkidZ provides you as a parent or caregiver with an easy to follow manual, filled with age appropriate stimulating activities, to help develop your child’s brain and to aid in them reaching their developmental milestones. It has been developed by four experts in Early Childhood Development, making sure that all developmental milestones are covered. We have done all the work for you, covering what to do and why, and have provided you with the information, so that all your available time can be spent with your child. What do these babies do? Well, we start with baby massage which wakes up the brain and builds brain connections regarding body awareness. As they grow older we help strengthen core muscles and encourage exploration. And so the program covers all the basics such as gross and fine motor skills, auditory, speech, language and cognitive development etc. It even teaches children some independence.

July 15, 2017

The Vital Years: How to Enrich your Child’s Learning Ability from Birth Until the Age of Eight

Research has shown that we develop most of our ability to learn in the first 8 years of life, especially the first 4. This doesn’t mean that you absorb more knowledge, but that you build more neuro pathways (the main learning pathways of the brain) in this time, than throughout the rest of your life. This is why early childhood development and age appropriate stimulation is so important. Researcher Dr Phil Silva from New Zealand highlights the importance of early stimulation. “It doesn’t mean that the other years are unimportant, but our research has shown that children who have a slow start during the first three years are likely to experience problems right through childhood and into adolescence.” There are 6 main pathways into the brain by which we learn, our 5 senses, sight, hearing, touch, taste and smell, and the sixth step is through what we physically do. This means a baby will learn to crawl by physically crawling. Every day is a learning experience and the more a child is allowed to explore the world the more neuro pathways are built and the more he can learn during his lifetime. Through stimulating a child’s brain, more interacting connections are formed in the brain. The more connections there are the easier it is to learn. What a child does physically in the first few years of life, plays a major part in how well he or she will develop other abilities. Some examples. Developing the brainstem: Activities such as grasping, crawling, pushing, reaching and turning leads to hand-eye coordination and pre-writing abilities. Developing the cerebellum (balancing): Activities such as spinning, swinging, rolling, listening and dancing leads to bicycle riding, reading skills and fine motor coordination. Developing the emotional brain: Activities such as cuddling and playing together leads to love, security and confidence. Developing the thinking brain (cortex): Activities such as stacking toys, puzzles and patterning leads to math, problem solving, spelling and memory. It seems like most countries have their educational priorities completely wrong, as most spend under 10% of their education budget on these forming years. SKidz Clever Activity Boxes has set a curriculum of fun filled activities to bridge this gap. The curriculum is written primarily for babies and toddlers that stay at home with mommy or a nanny, but it has also been used by schools and day mothers. All the equipment is supplied with the manual which gives direction regarding what activities to do each day and what areas of development are being stimulated through those activities. Children learn through exploration, games and play and this is what we have focused on. You can order your age specific box from www.skidz.co.za/shop

July 15, 2017

The Importance of Early Brain Development

As parents we want what is best for our children and want to teach and help them grow into successful, well-rounded adults. To achieve this we need to invest in the development of our children’s brains. The emotional, social and physical development of young children has a direct effect on their overall development and on the adult they will become. That is why understanding the need to invest in very young children is so important, so as to maximise their future well-being. Neurological research has shown that the early years play a vital role in the brain development of children. Babies start to learn about the world around them from a very early age and these first learning experiences deeply affect their future physical, emotional, social and cognitive development. These early learning experiences start just before and after birth already, so starting young is extremely important as optimizing and investing in your child’s early years sets them up for success later in life. According to James J. Heckman, a Nobel laureate and Director of the Centre for the Economics of Human Development at the University of Chicago, “Learning starts in infancy, long before formal education begins, and continues throughout life. Early learning begets later learning and early success breeds later success, just as early failure breeds later failure. As a society, we cannot afford to postpone investing in children until they become adults, nor can we wait until they reach school age – a time when it may be too late to intervene. The best evidence supports the policy prescription: invest in the very young and improve basic learning and socialising skills.” As parents we often don’t know how to optimally develop our children’s brains and the very dedicated spend hours researching on the internet. Skidz Clever Activity Boxes has done everything for you. The age ranges start from birth until five years and the program has been developed by four experts in early childhood development. It includes an easy to follow manual and the equipment used to do the many activities. Using the Skidz program gives you time to play and have fun with your child while they learn and develop, as well as the peace of mind knowing that you are doing age appropriate activities with them. You can follow Skidz on Facebook at www.facebook.com/skidzsa The website for more info and orders is http://skidz.co.za or email us at [email protected]

July 15, 2017

Do you hate bedtime?

A correct bedtime routine can really help your child transition to sleep As a parent, I am sure you have often read about the importance of a bedtime routine. This newsletter attempts to provide a few “bedtime routine secrets”. The most important thing to remember with your child’s bedtime routine is that it really is the start of sleep. Recently, there has been hype in the media about how sleep is a time for our brains to get rid of toxins. So what happens at bedtime? The wonderful thing about bedtime is that it helps our children transition into the “wonderful slumber of sleep”. Have you watched the inspiring TED video about how important sleep is? Watch it now; you will never think the same about sleep again. Why is bedtime routine important? Bedtime routines cue our children’s brains to prepare them for sleep. Children thrive on predictability, consistency and routine. Keep it simple, predictable and the same every night. My top tips for a bedtime routine: Keep it short – no longer than 30 minutes. If you have a child older than 6 months, feed him prior bath time. A bath is the best start to your bedtime routine. For a toddler, set an egg timer for 30 minutes before bedtime to get him used to the idea that sleep is soon to follow. No IPads/TV/computers for at least two hours before bedtime. Rather invest in some quality family time. Keep bedtime early. Typically, after 8pm it should only be mom and dad left in the living room. (I recently commented on a very good article featured in the Baba and Kleuter Magazine’s September edition about early bedtimes). What about older children? Remember that children (until they reach puberty) need to sleep for a solid 11 or 12 hours at night. Therefore, an early bedtime for the whole family is a good idea. In addition, you and your partner will still have a few hours left in the evening to enjoy quality time with each other.

July 15, 2017

What To Do With Sick Children

I very often get this question from parents: What do I do if my child is ill? Just think back to the last time you had a cold: Even though you felt more fatigued, and your body needed the rest, you definitely did not sleep as well. Typically, a cold sufferer is congested, and wakes during the night to blow their nose, clear their throat or drink some water. Your children are no different. I’ve, very rarely, met a child who sleeps perfectly through an illness. The ugly truth is that no-one sleeps well when they’re ill, and very few children sleep soundly when they are sick. Prepare yourself. There are definitely going to be some wake ups that you should respond to. You have a sick child that will need some comfort and attention, and it is important that you support your child through this uncomfortable stage. However, it is important to maintain the normal sleep routine as far as possible. It is easy to fall into an emotional trap. Many parents, at the onset of child illness, commence with night-time feeding. However, if you’ve got a healthy, 6 month, 8 month old, or 10 month old, who has had several weeks or months peaceful sleep, there’s no sensible reason to start night-time feeding if they are ill. You could offer your child a sip of water as the throat might seem a little dry. You might need to wipe the nose. It’s even fine to give a few cuddles. However, you want to make sure you put your child back in their usual sleeping environment. Expect and allow them to continue to use the skills that they have accumulated in the last few months of using the Good Night programme. Most children will not let you change their strategy. Even if you try to rock your ill child to sleep, the child will most likely resist it. Parents have experienced their little ones pushing them away or arching their back toward the crib. Older children might even point to their cribs, or say “no” to the cuddling. If your doctor has recommended that you offer some night feeds to aid the healing process of a serious illness, or if the child has had a very high fever for a few days and night-time feeds will curb the dehydration, then it is essential to follow doctor’s orders. Always remain mindful of how you are implementing your actions, however, as you definitely don’t want to let your child fall asleep while feeding or by using it as a prop when the child is ill. The goal should be to maintain the healthy sleep habits that were learned by you and your child, while providing the nurturing and support to the ill child. Offer to feed, keep her awake through the feed, and then place her right back in the crib again. When people are very concerned about their sick babies, they often put the baby in bed with them. However, it is more sensible to move a mattress to your baby’s room. Set up camp, and keep an eye on the sick child without changing her immediate sleep environment. Once you’re convinced she’ll manage on her own, get yourself back to your own bed as quickly as you can. While this might initially be more effort, the long term benefits are priceless. It is far less disruptive to move into your child’s room to watch over her, than taking her into bed with you. Keep the long term reward of sweet sleep in mind, and continue to nurture and support the sick child to wellness, so that the sleep cycle is maintained. Article Credit: Dana Obleman

July 15, 2017

No more spanking – better ways to discipline

It’s exciting times! Did you know that new legislation passed in October makes spanking your child illegal? This is a win for children’s rights in our country, where rates of child violence are some of the highest in the world. Wessel Van der Berg (child rights and positive parenting portfolio manager) for the NGO Sonke Gender Justice, reminds us that “A large body of research shows that there’s a strong association between men’s use of violence and their exposure to harsh physical punishment as children.” One study carried out over five decades, involving over 160,000 children, found that the more children are spanked, “the more likely they are to defy their parents and to experience increased antisocial behaviour, aggression, mental health problems and cognitive difficulties.” So what how can we as parents to manage our kids effectively? Disciplining in the 21stcentury is less about a “method” and more about what you say and your relationship with your child. I like to call it disciplining with heart. How we discipline affects what our kids learn about controlling feelings, handling arguments and difficult situations. So it’s really worthwhile to take a moment to calm down first and to think about what we’d like to them to learn when we discipline them. If Joe keeps leaving his shoes on the floor, our discipline comment could teach (remind) him that “shoes aren’t for the floor, shoes are for wearing or keeping in the cupboard”. If we shout, threaten or become overly demanding, getting his co-operation is less likely. Remember too, that we can’t expect children to learn without teaching them the consequences of their behaviour. So as we discipline, following through with consequences that are logical, fair and purposeful teaches them to become responsible. Top tips for disciplining with heart breathe – always try to calm yourself before reacting out of anger talk to them at their eye-level– kids feel respected and ‘heard’ when we’re at their level, it gains co-operation think about what you’re wanting them to learn – and explain this to them (it’s about teaching and guiding, not forcing) repeat what’s expected – children learn through repetition, so tell them how you’re wanting them to behave use questions rather than commands – by questioning them about their behaviour it helps develop their problem solving skills (e.g. “what do you think will happen if you do that?” “what is dinnertime for?”) explain and follow through with consequences – they learn and co-operate best when they understand what’s expected and consistently experience the results of their choices (consequences) comment on the positives – when you notice and comment on good behaviour, it activates the centers in the brain responsible for motivation, so they’re highly likely to keep behaving this way (e.g. “nice listening”, “great sharing” With a just few adjustments to our behaviour, we’ll soon be amazed at how effective disciplining this way can be. That’s why I called my second book ParentMagic – raising kids positively – because by using easy methods, parenting becomes magical.

July 15, 2017

Nutritious Knock-Ons

When it comes to mothering styles, I’m more like Bridget Jones than Gisele Bundchen. I don’t work on a balanced meal plan for the week, and I don’t make achingly beautiful organic moss and bark collages with my kiddo. Rather, I’m the mom who makes it to 5pm (with the morning’s oatmeal still in my hair) and realises that the piece of fish I set aside for my 18-month-old son’s dinner has mysteriously disappeared from the fridge, so I have to cobble something nutritious together in half an hour while said kiddo takes apart the Tupperware cupboard for the fourth time since he woke from his nap. Right. Even though I’m something of a hot mess come dinnertime, I still care deeply for my little boy, and, obviously, I want to give him the very best start in life. It’s a mom thing. Even though we chug back an illicit bag of cheese curls in times of stress, we don’t want our kids to develop the same bad habits. Considering that we’re the ones who control what they eat, it’s good to know that we actually can influence their behaviour positively, by giving them the right kinds of food. What does this entail? Simply put, a whole bag of common sense and a dash of science. Some things, when eaten excessively by kids, affect blood sugar and serotonin levels, and can result in anything from short-term hyperactivity to full-on diabetes. Sugar and salts are the main culprits, with processed carbs, artificial flavourings and colourings hot on their heels. Check out this informative article on the impact of nutrition on development. The good news is that in our roles as Supreme Rulers of the Food Groups and All Things Delicious, we can help our little ones develop a preference for the good stuff. We can do this simply by exposing them to more of the good stuff and less of the harmful additives that have somehow weaselled their way into our everyday diets. More good news is that by encouraging them to experience natural flavours and textures, we can help them to develop discerning palates, which they’ll likely take on into adulthood. It’s logical if you think about it. The flavour concepts our little ones have relate directly to the food we give them. This means that even though we might turn our noses up at steamed carrots unless they’re liberally doused in salt and melted butter, maybe a piquant cheese sauce, our tots are blank slates. Beyond Taste From my own experience, I know that the food my son takes in definitely has an effect on his behaviour. I’m not just talking about how sugary things make him all revved up. I also mean that when I buckle like a cheap belt and feed him a convenience meal for dinner, he’ll gobble it down, but his normally peaceful journey to bedtime becomes an exercise in desperately wrangling a fully-fledged were-child (also see how food affects behaviour). If we ask Science, we’ll discover that the pre-packaged meal might not seem sugary, it might even have a wholesome name like “Hearty Homemade Lasagne”, but it’s most likely packed with processed carbs and additives. The body processes this junk quickly, and gets hungry again pretty fast. Hence the term “empty carbs”. Also, the flavour enhancing additives that make him gulp his food down so eagerly are pretty much just refined sugar. Hope for Harassed Moms Ok, so it’s good to know the facts, but what can you do when you’re having one of those days/weeks/years when you can barely make it to dinnertime without something exploding? Not everyone has a full-time nanny, or hands-on Grandma down the road; sometimes you’re all you’ve got. If you’re like me, and need to a little help to insert a healthy meal into your little angel at dinnertime, here’s the cheat sheet: Balancing act – A good balance between protein and carbohydrates will keep him fuller for longer. Better sleep for the whole family! Good carbs – You want your carbs to be lower in sugar and higher in fibre. Generally speaking, if you have to peel, wash or chew it yourself, it’s a keeper. Snack happy – Morning snacks pave the way for eating behaviour later in the day. Avo on whole-wheat toast keeps the toddler engine running optimally, but sugary bites create were-children. Breaking Bad – Avoid flavoured breakfast cereals that can encourage sweet expectations, and go for oatmeal with cinnamon and an ooze of honey. Or better yet, eggs. Eggs forever! When my day has rapidly spitballed into mismanaged chaos, my emergency go-to options include: a nourishing smoothie (with avocado and baby spinach in it, making sure not to add too much fruit); some shiritaki noodles with pesto, chicken and broccoli (fortunately my boy loves his broc, so I always know if he sees that first he’s more likely to eat the whole meal); or breakfast for dinner: poached eggs on a bed of rocket, with bacon, and a side of avocado and tomato. Straight Talk While it’s possible to course correct at dinnertime, it’s much easier to lay a good foundation in the morning, because our dietary decisions have knock-on effects. In my family, we aim for a good start, so breakfast is either oatmeal, or some kind of eggy dish. Omelettes, sunny-side ups or these 3-ingredient banana flapjacks (see finger foods and snacks for toothless tots) – it depends on how creative my husband is feeling. He’s the Breakfast Guru. Sometimes though, I resort to Oatees and plain yogurt. While I do add blueberries, my boy delights in chomping the fruit and delicately spitting it back into my hand. The cereals, however, he throws back with gusto. It’s on these days that I can expect a mid-morning crash and a dishearteningly short nap. The knock-on from there is that he’s awake from 11.30/12ish, right through to bedtime. Yep. You can imagine the horror. I can’t pretend to win points for nutrition

July 15, 2017

Mom vs. Dad

A recent YouTube advert made use of the hackneyed Battle of the Sexes cliché to sell a detergent. Dad said he was better than Mom, and Mom insisted that she was far superior, while the kids (a nice, round pigeon pair) smiled vapidly on. Just a commercial, I know, but the concept irked me. I guess that’s because I’ve found that there’s no room in a healthy relationship for the kind of competition that that has a winner and a loser. To be clear, I’m not talking about light-hearted contests. My husband and I have always used sudden death Rock, Paper, Scissors to instantly resolve minor disputes. Neither of us wants to change Finn’s poop nappy? The fists go up and we count it down. The loser accepts his or her fate instantly and the winner can’t be a jerk about it. The same goes for dishes, dustbins, cockroaches, designated driving, etc. It’s made our lives so much easier! When I talk about competition, I mean the invasive idea that one partner is superior to the other. I believe this kind of ethos is destructive in general, but particularly so when it comes to parenting. In fact, I think that when this is the prevailing mindset, everyone loses. Why it has to be win-win Picture the scenario: Dad’s changing a nappy, but kiddo is screaming and writhing, so Dad’s getting frustrated. Mom hears and comes over. She swoops in, gives the tot something to play with, and takes over while telling Dad where he went wrong, and why he really should do it her way. (Full disclaimer, I’m the Mom here… it’s me.) The little one is now fresh and clean, but Mom could have dealt better with the situation. Dad is left feeling irritated and maligned, like his efforts weren’t appreciated, and kiddo saw that his parents are a divided front. But so what? The thing is, even though I’m much faster at nappy changing, it’s good for my hubby to (ahem) get his hands dirty. And he does so willingly. Not only does it involve him in the everyday childrearing, it’s also good for our son to see that the father’s role includes the messy jobs as well. As strange as it sounds, it’s also a special form of Dude Bonding (totally a thing). In my own life, I find that things run smoother when hubby and I support and encourage, rather than compete and crow. Marital harmony aside, there are other reasons to embrace our differing parenting styles. Kids learn from our actions, not our words Anyone with children knows that you can talk about patience and sharing all day long, but the one time you slam a door in anger, or drop an f-bomb, seems to be the only time they were listening. There’s a huge sense of responsibility attached to this realisation, because we know that our behaviour will be mirrored by our children. If you consider the knock-on affects of this in their future relationships, then you know the importance of considering the way we behave as parents. I personally want my boy to grow up enjoying healthy relationships that nurture mutual respect and consideration. The only thing I can do to promote this is to demonstrate it in our home. Kids pick up that parents can be manipulated When children realise they can play Mom and Dad against each other for their own nefarious gains, even innocuous competition between parents can become a real issue. Some couples find that this kind of friction is seriously destructive to their relationship. What’s more, it teaches children how to be devious in order to get what they want. Learning about manipulation is a life lesson we all get, but the home should be a place where such behaviour is discouraged, and replaced with honest communication. The cure, according to the Super Granny, is to ensure a united front. Mom and Dad need to be on the same page when it comes to discipline and routines. This way our kids discover that no really does mean no – sucha vital lesson for so many reasons! Lack of consistency lays weak foundations In her book, A Brand-New Child in 5 Easy Steps, Andalene Salvesen (aka Super Granny) maintains that when our children are still very small, we need to implement secure boundaries. Obviously done with love and discerning, this sets the scene for when they’re older, and have different discipline needs. When we neglect to stay firm on important things (like not sitting on the stove because you could burn your bum, or not flushing mommy’s cell phone down the toilet because COME ON!) our kids lose out on the security that thoughtful boundary setting provides. In fact, when we’re lax on things while they’re still little, we don’t prepare the relationship’s trust for future years, when issues become bigger, and the consequences more serious. Not burning your but is easy, but carefully considering what pictures you post, or allowing other people to post, on social media is a little trickier. It’s important to nurture a relationship in which our daughter or son trusts our reasons for implementing boundaries, so they can rely on our consistency in the face of “grey areas”. When we do this, our kids grow up knowing that we are their safe space when they have bigger issues to deal with. It also helps them to develop their own moral framework for good decision-making when we’re not around. Hostile competitiveness breeds insecure children This is perhaps the most obviously destructive effect of the whole Mom vs. Dad phenomenon. It might not be the same for you, but when my hubby and I are fractious with each other in front of our boy, he lets us know that he’s stressed out. In any relationship there are times when you argue, or sometimes work through an issue that’s bigger than an “I’m sorry”. I guess the trick is to not let the issues in your

July 15, 2017

Introducing Huggies® Hugwear For Moving Babies – Mom’s Choose Your Fit

Having a newborn baby is a magical experience for many moms. It is a time for you to hug, cuddle and watch your little one grow and reach those little milestones. With each passing day you notice something different, a new movement or sound, those 0-3-month-old onesie buttons start to pop open and sleep time is making way for more play time. Before you know it your little new born is moving and wriggling all over the house. This new stage of movement and activity is an exciting time for both mom and baby. Your little one is more aware and ready for every adventure, including finding all the little hiding places around the house or in the garden. With your little one’s new sense of exploring and adventure comes a lot more movement from them and a lot more running around for mom. Studies have shown that babies can cover anywhere between 1 km and 7 km in a single day, an average of 3km, which is a lot of movement in just one day. This amount of movement comes with its own set of challenges like making sure that your little mover feels comfortable and happy while exploring. Moms know their little ones the best which is why Huggies® is encouraging moms to choose their fit between Huggies® Pants and Huggies® Gold. “Assessing your little one’s nappy during this stage is essential and we at Huggies® know that there is no better person to do this but mom. Huggies® Pants and Huggies® Gold nappies have different and specific fits with their own set of benefits. We want to encourage mom to try both the Huggies® Pants and Huggies® Gold nappies and to choose the right fit for her and her little mover,” says Morné van Emmenes, Senior Brand Manager. Huggies® Pants are as absorbent as regular open nappies, and are also uniquely designed to fit like underwear. The all-round soft and stretchy waistband prevents the nappy pants from slipping down and the double leg elastic gently surrounds and hugs baby’s legs for a secure fit to prevent any leaks. With up to 12 hours of dryness and tailored absorbency, which means the absorbent zone is more centrally placed for girls, and is higher up for boys. All of these features come together in gender specific designs to allow for more comfort and effectiveness for precious little boys and girls. And because Huggies® knows just how busy your little one is, the best news is that they are easy to put on and take off. The soft breathable outer cover also includes Disney© designs of Mickey and Minnie Mouse. Huggies® Gold has a stretchy waistband and stretchy fasteners for a comfortable fit. Apart from offering a snug and comfy fit, Huggies® Gold for Boys and Girls also has a DryTouch™ liner which is ultra-soft for improved skin protection. It draws wetness away from your baby in seconds, distributing the fluid evenly inside the absorbent core. The nappies still provide special tailored absorption, accommodating the differences between boys and girls, with the unique Huggies® Gold nappy shape, made to facilitate extra contentment. The soft, breathable designs have pictures of ©Disney’s Mickey and Minnie Mouse to suit your little Boy or Girl. “Huggies® Hugwear for Moving Baby’s will allow your little explorer to continue discovering the world without any interruptions, providing a quick and convenient solution to nappy changing, giving you both more time to enjoy your precious moments together. So moms, choose your fit and trust Huggies® Pants or Huggies® Gold to give your baby a hug that’s made for movement,” concludes Morné van Emmenes, Senior Brand Manager. Available at major retailers, Huggies® Pants for Boys and Girls are available in four sizes – size 3 (7-12 kg), size 4 (9-14 kg), size 5 (12-17 kg) and size 6 (15-25 kg). Huggies® Gold for Boys and Girls comes in four sizes: size 3 (6 – 10 kg); size 4 (8 – 14 kg); size 4+ (12 – 16 kg) and size 5 (15+ kg). About Huggies® Huggies® is known for providing a range of nappies for every stage of a baby’s life. From the very first moment up until the last time they wear a nappy. The range consists of Huggies® Preemies, Huggies® My First Nappy, Huggies® New Baby, Huggies® Pants for Boys and Girls, Huggies® Gold for Boys and Girls, Huggies® Dry Comfort®, and Huggies® Little Swimmers®. They also offer a range of wipes – Huggies® Newborn, Huggies® Natural Care and now Disney Huggies® wipes. Huggies® is part of Kimberly-Clark South Africa, a subsidiary of the US-based Kimberly-Clark Corporation which market innovative health and hygiene products that people come into contact with every day. Find us: Website – www.huggies.co.za ; Facebook – HuggiesSA and Twitter @huggies_sa.

July 14, 2017

How early learning builds a child’s other abilities

We often read articles and speak to Early Childhood Development experts such as Paediatricians and Occupational Therapists, who assess a child’s progress based on developmental milestones. Being a part of many mommy groups, I often find some moms who say that this focus on milestones is misguided. The problem is that many don’t really understand why looking at milestones as a guideline is important. Some even say things like “My child didn’t crawl and she is fine”, but what measures as fine? I’m not talking about major problems or delays in development, but things that we only see later in life. It is also important to note that these developmental skills that are learnt and developed through exploration and play, is the foundation of other skills used later in life. Investing in the development of your child especially in the first few years cannot be emphasised enough. The easiest way to explore this would be through examples, so here goes. When a baby is born, he can’t see or hear very well and his sensations are far from perfect. When looking at visual stimulation babies need to be exposed to high contrast colours and patterns. In the earliest months a baby lays down the main ‘visual pathways’ of his brain. The cortex of his brain has 6 layers of cell which transmit different signals from the retina in the eyes to the back of the brain. On layer for example transmits vertical lines, another horizontal. Others will deal with circles, triangle and squares. If, for example, a baby would only see horizontal lines, then when he crawled or walked he would continually be banging into the legs of tables and chairs because the visual pathways which where laid earlier could not process vertical lines. Here are some more examples of how what a child physically does in the first few years of life plays a major part in how well he will develop other abilities. The Brainstem: Controls the flow of messages between the brain and the rest of the body. Activity learnt: Grasping Touching Crawling Walking Reaching Turning Pushing Pulling. These activities lead to: Hand-eye coordination Gross motor skills Prewriting ability The Cerebellum: Coordinates voluntary movements such as posture, balance, coordination, and speech, resulting in smooth and balanced muscular activity. Activity learnt: Spinning Tumbling Balancing Dancing Listening Swinging Rolling These activities lead to: Balance Sporting ability Bicycle riding Writing skills Fine motor coordination Reading skills. The Emotional brain (amygdala and temporal lobe): Emotions, like fear and love as well as brain functions, like memory and attention. Activity learnt: Cuddling Stroking Playing together These activities lead to: Love Security Bonding Social skills Cooperation Confidence The cortex: Associated with higher brain function such as thought and action Activity learnt: Stacking toys Building puzzles Recognising and making patterns Playing word games Repetitive play and music These activities lead to: Math Logic Problem solving Fluent reading Spelling Writing A good vocabulary Painting Memory Musical ability Another point to consider is that for a child learns from concrete and active experiences. To understand an abstract concept he would first have to understand the physical concept. For instance, to understand the abstract concept of roundness, he must first have experienced real round things like a ball. There are endless examples that could be explored but the conclusion is the same. Experiences and active play to reach milestones are extremely important for future successes. SKidz gives you as a parent the tools to stimulate and play with your child, which encourages not only his physical ability, but also sets a firm foundation for healthy relationships, where he feels loved and secure. The program has been developed by 4 experts in early childhood development and is divided into 5 boxes so that you only need to buy the appropriate one at a time. Each box comes with all the equipment needed to do the activities as well as a step by step manual, with easy to follow instructions as well as developmental information, so that you know what areas you are developing through that activity. The range is divided into the following ages 0-6 months, 6-12 months, 12-18 months, 18-24 months and 2-5 years. More info on this wonderful product can be found on the website http://skidz.co.za. All orders are also placed from the online shop on the website. For some up to date news, articles and specials follow SKidz on facebook at www.facebook.com/skidzsa.

July 14, 2017

The Grateful Parent

Parenting is tough and tiring and generally involves a multitude of thankless tasks performed endlessly day after day like an endless time loop. It is understandable that when we parents get together we’re often just having a good old moan. And please, let me not take that away from you. Just sharing the burden and knowing someone else is going through it too can go a long way to making you feel like you can cope. However, if you’re tired of the groaning and want to see things from a different perspective, here are some ideas on parenting gratitude to get you going… Today I am grateful for… The pile of dishes in the kitchen – because they mean we have plenty to eat and a home with a kitchen and dishes for food preparation. My sick child – because I have the flexibility to be home to care for her and because I know I am needed by somebody. The pile of unanswered emails – because it means I have work and am busy and can earn enough to provide for my family. The toys all over the house – because they’re a sign of the beautiful human beings who live here. My kids fighting – because they have siblings to try out their social skills on and they’re learning to work things out on their own. My husband coming home late from work – because he’s doing his best to provide for us. The wet washing hanging all over the bathroom – because we have the rain that we so need and plenty of clothes to wear. The Internet not working – because it tears us all away from our devices and into connection with each other. Feeling tired – because my life is full and I’m involved with my kids to a level that has me falling into bed at the end of the day. These are just some ideas from my life, but you can find something beautiful and worth being thankful for in every day – it just takes a moment to reconsider the thing you’re moaning about. I watched a documentary recently about a girl who was one of the few people to survive rabies without a vaccine. The girl’s father was talking about how much he appreciates every day with his daughter now, having come so close to losing her. He smiles when she fights with her siblings, feels warmth in his heart when she backchats him, wants to hug her when she is moping about the house. He knows how lucky he is to have another day with her – whatever that day may bring. Do we really need to almost lose our kids to be a grateful parent? I don’t think so. But I do think we just need the occasional reminder!

July 13, 2017

Twin traditions in various cultures

We live in country with many cultures and traditions. Have multiples is a special experience. Speaking to various parents I have realised there are many different cutlass ceremonies and beliefs to having Multiples. We spoke to three different moms. A Hindu mom, a Shona mom and a Ndebele mom. Ashana comes from a hindi speaking family. Her husband is from a telegu speaking family. Her husband is second generation South African indian, and Ashana is fourth generation South African indian. They have no history of twins in their families, so the news of their spontaneous twin pregnancy was a shock. The twins were born on the 9 September 2015. They live in Sunninghill, Johannesburg. Do you hold any traditional ceremonies after the birth of your multiples? We follow the telegu tradition. So on the 9th day after the birth , we held a naming ceremony for our twins. A hindu priest performs a ceremony were the babies are blessed and there names are whispered into their ears. It is a beautiful ceremony. How long is it before family members can see your babies? Immediate family members, i.e. Grandparents and parents siblings were allowed to see the babies at the hospital on the day of birth. Other family members and friends generally call to congratulate and enquire as to when it will be appropriate to visit. For our twins we have decided to only really take them out and to have contact with extended family and friends after 40 days. Are any payments made by anyone ? (gifts etc) Grandparents generally purchase a piece of gold jewellery for the babies. This may be a gold chain with a pendant of a hindu deity, a gold bracelet with black beads or a small gold knife which is pined onto the childs clothes. The black beads and the knife are important as it is believed to aid in protecting the child from the ‘evil eye’. Whose custom do you follow? My husband comes from a telegu speaking family and I am from a hindi speaking family. We follow his traditions. When you give birth to twins are there any special requirements ? i.e they must be separated immediately etc. My twins are the first in both our families. There are no special requirements. Is it considered lucky to have twins, if so why? It is considered to be a blessing. Traditionally the time and date of the birth of your child is given to a hindu priest. The priest then uses Vedic astrology to determine a letter of the alphabet for which your child’s name should start with. This is then used to determine the child’s name. Samanatha Dube aged 37 years is has twin girls aged 20 years old. She is a Ndebele mom living in Johannesburg. Who chooses their names? The grandfather from their father’s side choose the names. Since they were my first babies, and the granny from the mother’s side give them second names. Traditional Ceremonies? When you are 7 to 8 months pregnant, you reside with your in-laws until you give birth. The mother- in- law will fetch you from the hospital. On your way to the house, you would stop at an intersection to light (impepha) as it is believed that if this is not done your babies will be weak, and will easily get sick. After 3 months, a cow is slaughtered and (inyongo) poured onto their heard as a sign of welcoming them to the family. How long before the family see the babies? We wait till their umbilical cords drop. This is when close family members are allowed to come in, you may however not touch or hold the baby’s before you sprinkle them with water, in their faces and you give them a drop of water before you pick them up. Are any payments made by anyone ? (gifts etc) It is a must that you pay first before you see the babies, it can be cash or any form of a present. Whose Custom do you follow? In our black culture when you are married, the children belong to the husband’s family, but when you are not married they belong to the wife’s family. When you give birth to the Twins? It is considered as a big blessing for the family, and it is made sure that nothing harmful occurs to them. If there is a full moon, you cover their whole bodies with ashes. This is done outside and they don’t look back till they get in the house. The same would occur when one of them is sick. After 3 months, a group of elder (females) come early in the morning to take you out of the yard they will be sing songs of joy and take turns to hold the baby’s. Mom would traditionally be covered in a white cloth. As this ritual is being performed, the aunt will collect soil from the intersection (where two roads meet) and they will use this soil to bath the baby’s. This is done as a way of welcoming the kids to this world and making them strong. After these rituals have been completed, everyone is allowed to see the baby’s. Tecla Gwangwaza is a 34 year old Shona mom from Zimbabwe. She has two sets of twins aged 11 and 7 years who live in Zimbabwe. Tecla lives in Johannesburg and has helped many multiple families working as a night nurse. There is a history of multiples in her family. Tecla’s father’s family has a strong twin line. Her 3 uncles have each had a set of twins and her aunt had a set of twins. Who chooses the names? The father chooses the names because sometimes they need to name them after their parents, mother can just choose the optional names or second names. Traditional ceremonies? When you are married, at 6-7 months pregnant, the husband’s family will take you back to your family, until such time as you give birth[masungiro] After the birth of the baby’s, names will be chosen and they will slaughter a goat and chicken as a way of appreciation

July 13, 2017

Ditching Maths Myths

The best start parents can give children to ensure they master maths throughout their school careers, is to ensure they banish negative attitudes towards the subject right from the start, an education expert says. “Parents and caregivers must ensure they don’t pass on their own negative feelings about maths, or any other subject, because they themselves struggled in the past,” says Barbara Eaton, Academic Development Co-ordinator for the Schools Division at ADvTECH, Africa’s largest private education provider. “Children should be allowed to embark on their maths learning in the secure understanding that they are competent and capable, without any kind of pre-emptive fear for the subject,” she says. Eaton notes South Africans regularly hear about our country’s dismal performance in international maths and science benchmarking tests. “Those of us who work at the Pre-Primary level are well aware that the results of the children at prep and college levels will not improve if we do not focus on the correct teaching of maths concepts within the three to six-year age group,” she says. But she warns that early learning should be age-appropriate and concentrate on ‘hands-on, brains-on’ activities. “Early mathematical experiences have to be presented in kinaesthetic and concrete ways, leading to semi-abstract activities in Grade 0. We certainly do not favour worksheets for children at this young age,” she says. Eaton adds that while many young children enter Pre-Primary school with knowledge of counting, numbers and shapes, it is also important to expose them to more challenging content. “Young children are ready to learn more advanced concepts as long as they are presented in an engaging and developmentally appropriate manner. This does not equate with ‘pushing down’ the curriculum content to younger and younger children, as that could have the opposite of the intended effect.” Eaton advises parents to take a keen and active part in getting their children excited about maths, and says that the foundations of later maths mastery can be achieved through play-based activities in the early years. Activities which promote the acquisition of maths concepts include: Singing number songs and rhymes. Counting out everyday items such as plates and cutlery for supper, potatoes for cooking, biscuits for tea. Matching how many times you clap with items such as bottle tops. Baking, which involves counting and measuring of ingredients. Drawing attention to numerals on gates, cars, busses – anywhere in the immediate environment. Sharing out sweets amongst the family or the teddies at the play tea party, which teaches division. Dividing fruit, veg and cakes into pieces and talk about halves and quarters, which teaches the concept of fractions. Working out how many sweets we need if everyone is to get two, which teaches multiplication. Matching, identifying and counting coins, and giving coins to spend on small items in the shop. Comparing the sizes of clothes and shoes that the family members wear and arranging them in ascending and descending order. “Research tracking American, British and Canadian children found that children who entered pre-school with a strong grasp of numeracy, counting, relative magnitudes and ordinality achieved better maths scores in later years, and that these skills were more predictive of general scholastic achievement than were language, attention or social skills,” says Eaton. “But parents should not, in an attempt to ensure their child’s future maths mastery, try to get them to learn something now, with difficulty, which they will manage more easily later. Helping your child at this stage does not entail the teaching of isolated maths skills through memorisation, rote or the reliance on worksheets. “Parents and guardians who want to make a substantial contribution to their children’s performance later in life can ensure they lay a solid and positive foundation in the early years, simply by making maths meaningful and relevant to everyday situations. Quite simply, maths should become child’s play.”

July 13, 2017

How to Help Your Student Child Transition to Adulthood

I can’t adult today: funny when stated ironically on social media, but not so much for parents of students who struggle to start taking on the responsibilities of adulthood as they should be doing in tertiary education. “Students need to start preparing for their adult lives and the world of work incrementally at university, but many of them may be reluctant to do so – to the consternation of their parents and guardians,” says Dr Gillian Mooney, Dean: Academic Development and Support at The Independent Institute of Education, SA’s largest private higher education provider. “The central reasons for many young adults’ ‘failure to launch’, is often because parents don’t hand over the appropriate responsibility reins when they should, which means that their children don’t become empowered to handle their own affairs, and simply, some children may not yet be ready to cope,” she says. From the mother who still cleans her daughter’s dorm room, or cooks weekly meals for her son, to the father who calls the institution to explain why his child didn’t complete his assignment, there are so many ways in which parents and others – in a loving effort – can do students more harm than good. “Higher education should not just be seen as a period of life when one acquires theoretical knowledge and a degree, but also very importantly as a stepping stone from dependence at school into adult independence,” notes Mooney. “It is understandable that letting go is a difficult thing to do for parents, but it is the developmental challenge of parents of university students to do so. Letting go of your children is a fundamental part of raising them and is developmentally appropriate for parents of children at tertiary institutions.” Yet many parents don’t always know where they should step in, and where they should step back. “This is a complex question, and depends on both the parents and the child. However, it may be helpful for parents to think of this developmental challenge as they did about any other. For example, we feed babies milk before we feed them solid foodstuffs. In other words, we implement incremental steps in any changes. It is, therefore, important to realise that the ‘letting go’ needs to take place in small steps.” Parents should therefore consider the following developmentally-appropriate handovers: APPLICATION FORMS Prospective students should be taking responsibility for researching their options, investigating entry requirements, filling in and submitting their applications. The parent’s role is a supporting one to ensure that proper research was done, and that forms were completed correctly and submitted timeously. Under no circumstances should parents be taking the lead in deciding on courses or institutions, or completing applications on behalf of their children. It is important to remember that many students who are not successful at university are the ones whose parents have “forced” them into a specific qualification or university. BUDGETS Parents and prospective students should sit together and determine what their available budget is to cover studies, accommodation, materials, transport and other living expenses. Then the child should do the legwork to determine how this budget should be implemented – obviously with parental guidance and final approval. Looking for accommodation, for instance, is an important part of the process for the future student, which will start giving them an idea of the realities of affordability. TROUBLE & CHALLENGES It is instinctive for parents to want to step in when a problem arises, but in their student years, young adults must learn the very important twin skills of taking responsibility for their actions and negotiating the process of rectifying what went wrong. This develops the all-important emotional intelligence that is in demand in the workplace, and also provides an opportunity for the student to demonstrate their maturity to those who can play an important role in terms of future options. This learning cannot be by osmosis though, so the parent should also institute an incremental approach here – preferably by allowing the child to handle progressively more complex challenges from when they are young or, at the post-school stage, doing this progressively. First the parent can brainstorm and plan with the child or even accompany them the first time, and then next time just talk through possible solutions until eventually the skills are learned and the first thing the parent gets to hear is how something was resolved. DAY-TO-DAY LIFE MANAGEMENT Shopping, cooking, cleaning, doing the washing – these are all basic tasks which surprisingly many students still leave in the hands of the grownups. Parents should assist in showing how the budget needs to be spread, but thereafter the student needs to start managing these tasks independently. “If parents and guardians still feel that their ongoing interventions with these ‘adult’ tasks are required, it could be an indication that the child is not yet ready to live alone,” says Mooney. “If that is the case, this should be considered when choosing a higher education institution – by choosing one closer to home or opting for distance learning instead of a contact institution.”

July 12, 2017

Review: ShopKins Season 7 – ShopKins Mega Pack

Every girl in town loves ShopKins! They certainly have to be one of the most popular collectables around in 2017! This Mega Pack comes with 20 ShopKinsfor your little girl. Not only that, they include 4 Gift Boxes and you can stack your ShopKins on top of each other to make a lovely new party. ShopKins Collectables can belong to one of 8 Parties; Princess, Picnic, PJ, Disco, Wedding, Summer, Fancy Dress or Surprise and what better way to collect them all than in the the 20 Mega Pack. If you really lucky you may even find a limited edition Hollywood ShopKin! You can either find a Translucent ShopKin, Sparkling ShopKin, Neon Nights ShopKin or a special limited edition Hollywood Glamour ShopKin. Now for the best part! You can complete a TopKin! What’s a TopKin you might ask? Well that is where you stack selected ShopKins together to make up your party. Have a look at the video clip below for more insight into this fabulous range .

July 11, 2017

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