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Parenting Hub

Getting Kids to do Chores

Do your kids whine and moan about having to help you around the house or yard?  Does it seem like pulling teeth to get them to do the smallest of tasks?  And if you do assign them some household chore, do they avoid doing it until you are yelling and doling out punishments?  If you’re finding yourself in this situation way too often, let me offer some advice. When you think back to your own childhood, you probably hated the thought of having to do your chores too. Why? Because many parents ruled with the “iron hand” of autocracy to ensure that you did what you were told. Most parents today have replaced that unhealthy approach to parenting with more democratic means for raising their children. The bottom line is that when you remove fear from rearing children, you leave room for opinions, feelings, and resistance; all things that get in the way of efficiency. So how do you get kids to do their chores? If you’re using more respectful and democratic parenting methods at home like I am, then the secret is to extend that style of parenting to chores. This means setting things up in advance, incorporating their opinions and ideas, and establishing verbal and written agreements. It also means using respect to get them to follow through when they fall short. As part of your next weekly or bimonthly family meeting, establish the list of chores the grownups will do and ask everyone to help construct a list of all the other chores that need to be done.  Listen to your children’s and teen’s ideas on how and when these chores will get done.  Draft a schedule that everyone agrees to and consider getting everyone to sign it. If any of your children are extremely resistant and uncooperative, postpone the discussion until the next meeting. Chore assignments will be more effective when you have a unanimous agreement by all family members.  It’s also equally important that all chores have an assigned date, time, and schedule for completion.  There should be no question as to when it should be done and what the finished job looks like. I cannot emphasise enough the importance of using very specific parameters when getting kids to complete tasks.  And most importantly, you do not have an agreement with a child until they utter the words of the entire agreement! Whenever you notice that someone did not complete an assigned and agreed upon chore, commit to NOT coaxing, reminding, or scolding. In fact, do not speak at all! Simply find that child in question and placing your hand on his or her back, gently and lovingly guide them to the location of the chore that wasn’t completed. If they resist and fight your guidance, then something in your relationship with that child needs to be addressed before this follow-up method will work. Finally, I’m often asked at what age a child is old enough to help with chores.  My suggestion is that children as young as preschoolers can do some chores, but of course, the task assigned to them must be age and ability appropriate. Getting children this young to cooperate with chores and tasks requires that the assignments be few, simple, easy to do, and implemented with lots of fun, excitement, and praise when successfully completed.

June 15, 2014
Mia Von Scha

Constructive Criticism that doesn’t Damage Self-Esteem

I was reading an article recently that said that most children at pre-school level have a very high self-esteem compared to only about 30% who still felt this by the end of Primary School. There are a number of things that we can do to safeguard against this loss of confidence such as having a high self-esteem ourselves, allowing for mistakes, not comparing our kids to each other and being present for them, but the one I’d like to point out is the need to watch the way in which we criticize. We all need to correct our children at some point, and it is important to do this in such a way that they still feel loved and valued. Part of this is to continually reiterate that they are not their behavior – if something needs to be corrected, it is the behavior that is problematic and not them. Another useful tip is to use the feedback sandwich. A feedback sandwich means that we begin with a compliment or some form of positive feedback, then move on to the thing or behavior that needs to be modified, the criticism itself, and then end with another positive reinforcement. For example… I am really impressed with the effort you have put into your schoolwork this term (positive feedback) AND I think that even though you really need to put in a bit of extra time on your maths (criticism), that if you keep working this well you are going to ace this year (positive feedback). Please note the use of the word AND rather than BUT. When you say something and then add a BUT to it, your child will disregard the entire first part of the sentence as untrue. You will notice that this kind of criticism leaves the child feeling good rather than feeling terrible and wanting to give up. Please keep in mind that the positive feedback must be genuine – it shows that you have really noticed something that they are doing or are doing well and that you’re not just making something up to make them feel better. And remember to compliment your children at other times too – let’s put as much effort into catching them doing things right as we do into catching them doing things wrong!

June 8, 2014
Parenting Hub

The Slippery Slope of Girls’ Friendships

Years ago, after I’d had my second son, I remember a friend (who had girls) saying to me that I was lucky to have boys, as when they’re teenagers, they’re a lot easier to handle than girls! Now that my boys are in their adolescent years (well, one is almost there) I realise there is some truth to that statement. Why, you may ask? Well, because of girls’ friendships. I have a niece who went through absolute hell for two years – she confessed to me years later that she actually contemplated suicide – and another who is going through a really difficult time right now. Why are girls’ friendships such a minefield? Girls appear to have a strict social hierarchy based on what society tells us is “ideal femininity”. Girls police each other on who is breaking the laws of appearance, clothing, interest in boys and personality. Up to about the age of ten (although it’s getting younger and younger), this isn’t a big issue, but when puberty begins to bud, it becomes more and more important to conform to these ideals. In a rather interesting theory by two professors of zoology at the University of Cambridge, it is suggested that females of a variety of species use passive aggressive or indirect tactics to thin out sexual competition. In their article published in the Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B, they postulate that females evolved to use a lower risk form of breeding aggression by forming exclusionary social groups or “cliques” and generally being mean to females they see as a sexual threat. Sound familiar? How does this affect girls’ behaviour? Girls are really hard on themselves and on each other. They constantly compare themselves to each other and to the totally unrealistic female ideals they see portrayed in the media. If they don’t match up (which is unlikely), they may feel down about themselves. During adolescence the need for acceptance and approval by peers is paramount. If they are socially rejected, it may lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms like eating disorders, cutting, drug/alcohol abuse or risky sexual behaviour. Girls should know what defines a healthy friendship and when to get out of a toxic friendship. Healthy friendships include qualities like mutual respect, trust, honesty, support, fairness/equality, separate identities and good communication. In unhealthy friendships, girls may be controlled, criticised and coerced into conforming to group standards they may not necessarily agree with. They should be able to differentiate between popular girls who are liked because they’re nice people, powerful girls who may be “popular” because they’re intimidating rather than likeable, and good leaders – who are able to recognise the value of individual girls who work as a team and are respectful and supportive of each other. Envy and jealousy are rampant diseases in girl culture, encouraged by social media platforms. Since society decrees that girls should be good and well behaved, these feelings lie hidden and fester inside them. There is a hidden culture of aggressiveness in girls, depicted in many teen movies including “Mean Girls” and written about in books such as “Reviving Ophelia”, “Queen Bees and Wannabes” and “Odd Girl Out”. Girls form exclusionary social cliques, and some – like the “Queen Bee” and her Court – are skilled at putting down, excluding and being nasty to girls who are perceived to be threatening. They weaken others’ friendships, thereby strengthening their own power and influence. This behaviour is known as Relational aggression (intentionally hurting someone by harming their relationships to others) and it’s prevalent in girl culture. It includes things like eye rolling, ignoring, building alliances, “bad” teasing and put-downs, spreading rumours and gossip, forming exclusive cliques and cyber bullying. It starts in about Grade 5 or 6 and peaks in Grade 8, at the beginning of high school. Fortunately, it tends to decrease later in high school as girls mature, their friendships become more stabilised and they learn to interact and support each other. Relational aggressive behaviour is usually surreptitious and flies under the radar of parents and teachers. Many times, the perpetrators are “popular” girls who have quite a following – a.k.a. “Queen Bees”. Targets often don’t understand what they did to cause the behaviour and take on some of the blame. As adults, we don’t always understand how devastating it can be for a young girl to have to deal with this kind of social rejection. Targets may feel totally alone and isolated. Many of these incidents are caused by misunderstandings or assumptions in turn caused by girls’ fear of direct conflict and possible isolation. Witnesses (bystanders) to this kind of relational aggressiveness are extremely important as they have the power to either enable the bullying to continue or stop it in its tracks by confronting the bully/bullies about their mean behaviour. What can targets do about it?  Girls have to learn the art of direct communication and know that disagreements and confrontation in friendships are normal and healthy. Just like with other bullying, instead of keeping the pain of relational bullying or a breaking friendship to themselves, targets need to talk about it – to other friends and to adults who can offer advice and help them move on. They need to accept that although it is awful to go through, it is part of girl culture. They have to learn to be resilient and build up their self esteem again by keeping busy, pursuing their own unique talents and interests that make them feel happy and good about themselves and starting to make new, healthier and affirming friendships.

May 31, 2014
Parenting Hub

10 Steps to Tantrum-Free Shopping

I’ve just spent most of the weekend at a busy shopping centre (luckily without my kids) observing the general weekend chaos of parents and kids doing the weekly shop. This is a stressful experience for most – both kids and parents alike, so here they are – the Golden Rules for a peaceful shopping experience…  Shop without your kids. Too obvious? Really, if you can (and I know there are times when you can’t which is why there are another 9 rules) leave the kids behind. Do the shopping when they’re at school, or leave them with your partner, your mother, a friend or child-minder. Shopping is quicker and a whole lot easier without attachments!! Shop at quieter times. Shopping centres can be very overwhelming with all the lights, loud noises and people. Try to do your shopping at times when the centre will be quieter, like during the week or early in the morning on the weekend. Keep it short. I find that I am exhausted after an hour or two of shopping, so imagine what it is like for your kids. Keep your shopping trips short and focused. Make a list. And stick to it. This makes the shopping quicker, and you can also explain to the kids before you go that you are only buying what’s on your list. Then the answer to every “Can I have this?” is – “Well, is it on the list?” Make a wish list for your child. Have a little notebook and pen that you keep in your bag and every time they want something tell them it’ll be added to their wish list. In this way you don’t have to buy everything they want, but they know they have been heard and acknowledged and that it is normal to want things. And, when birthday times come, you already know what they would like! Make sure your kids are not hungry, thirsty or tired. Even adults get cranky when they haven’t eaten or slept well, so do your shopping after nap-time, feed them before you go, and take healthy snacks and water along on the trip. Take some entertainment along. Kids sitting in trolleys get bored. Take a book, toy or colouring-in materials along and let them entertain themselves. Give your child an important job to do. If they’re old enough you can get them to push the trolley (some shops have mini trolleys for kids so that they can have their own one), or they could be in charge of crossing things off on the list, or counting the items in the trolley, or spotting an important item that you mustn’t forget. Let them know how much they’re helping you. Have fun! How can you expect them to enjoy the shopping if you aren’t? Race the trolley, play “I spy”, chat to them, and find ways to make it an enjoyable shared experience. Expect cooperation. Children are naturally cooperative – they want to please their parents and do the right thing. So if they’re not doing this, know that something has gone awry and stay calm enough to figure out what it is. Are they tired, hungry, bored, frustrated, feeling ignored, not feeling needed, uncertain of what to expect or how long it will take…? Take a few deep breaths, slow down, and figure out what is going on before it escalates. Shopping is a part of our lives, not something that must be rushed through so that we can get back to living. And it doesn’t have to be stressful. Slow down, and find ways to make it an enjoyable part of the time you spend with your children.

May 16, 2014
Parenting Hub

Children Need to Run Wild and Free

Many parents have fond childhood memories of playing in the street with friends, roller-skating and riding bikes until the street light came on, with parents often not even knowing how far down the street the children had roamed. Things like building a neighbourhood fort, or going over for a swim at the neighbours were some of the many activities children could indulge in when they were young. However, as we are all aware, times have changed. The need to be vigilant against hijackings, robberies, child abductions, inconsiderate road users and bullies means we now make ‘playdates’ for our kids, and don’t let them out of our sight for a second. Riding bikes in the road is only permitted if there is strict supervision, and as busy parents we tend to rather shove in a DVD and tell them to be quiet. Whilst this will most likely mean most of us will never have to experience the tragedy of losing a child, it also means a sad loss of a really meaningful childhood for our children. They will not learn life’s lessons in the same way we did – falling out of trees or having to stand up against that bully. They will most likely learn these from watching the telly. It is for this very reason that Zoe Ellender founded Sugar Bay Luxury Holiday Resort for Kids & Teens, on the north coast of KwaZulu Natal. Zoe believed that in order to grow independent, responsible young adults, children need the space to be able to participate in great adventures, make friends from around the world, learn to flex their wings in a safe environment, and experience the holiday of a lifetime. The birth of Sugar Bay gave campers these privileges. Now children return home from Sugar Bay having met children from around the world, from different walks of life, having participated in activities that have challenged them physically, as well as mentally. Children also feel comfortable expressing their emotions in this safe and non-threatening, non-judgemental environment with the emotional support of their counsellors, who become like their older sibling for the duration of camp. The challenge for parents is to allow their children these opportunities to grow and develop without tightening the restraints, but rather granting them the freedom to develop into well rounded individuals. Holiday camps offer parents peace of mind so that they can let their children go, knowing that they will be having a fantastic time in a safe and fun environment.  

May 16, 2014
Parenting Hub

Decorating your Child’s Room

Decorating a child’s room can be exciting and fun. You don’t have to be an interior decorator to come up with great ideas for the bedroom… My son’s room has evolved from soft cream and blue to a stone and navy blue colour with accessories in green because green is his absolute favourite colour. My daughter’s room was pink and white and is still pink and white with some purple because those are still her best colours. The bedroom should reflect your child’s personality, with you hopefully bringing in some of the good taste.  If you are decorating your child’s room, then I have 8 tips on how to do it… Speak with your child – This is one room that your child is going to love to spend time in and entertain their friends too, so ask them what their likes and dislikes are. Take into account what fairy tales or cartoon characters they like, what their favourite colour is and the type of activities they enjoy. Work all of their interests into a design that is going to make them feel happy, comfortable and safe. Go for a fun theme – Allow your child to select the design theme. The choices are endless. Here are just a few: firehouse fun room, starry night, angels, rainbows, unicorns, sports, princesses and castles, underwater scenery, outer space, racing cars, planes and helicopters, trains, jungle motifs, wizards and dragons, and dinosaurs. Add colour and texture with wallpaper or paint – With wallpaper or paint, you can add texture and colour to the room. Simple wall decorations can also brighten up your child’s room. You can paint the room with bright colours to give it a fresh, new look  but you should limit any strong colour to only one wall. For example, paint one wall fire-engine red and the others a soft peach or pink.  Use wallpaper to add interest and texture. You can apply decorative borders along the walls like stripes or characters, and clouds or stars on the ceiling. Make it so that the room is multi-functional – Children use their bedroom for many other activities besides just sleeping. Therefore, it should consist of different zones. You could have a space to play and a music area. Also, create a comfort zone area in the room, for cuddling up and reading. Think about using big pillows, plush or inflatable chairs, anything your child might enjoy to sit on and relax in.  Storage should be priority – Containing that clutter in the kid’s bedroom is going to be one of your biggest challenges. Try large decorating wicker baskets, plastic see- through containers, book shelves and cupboards with lots of shelves. The right lighting is important – For the bedroom, it is important that you choose the right lighting. This should include a lamp that is used for reading and homework. If you can, try and put a dimmer switch on the overhead lights to create a more soothing mood. Other lighting effects kids enjoy include disco lights, rows of flowers with light effects, and glow in the dark items. Accessorise – Fun accessories can also be used to decorate your child’s room. Pom poms, fringe or sequin trim on pillows, blankets, curtains or shelves can be made use of, in decorations. A selection of frames can be displayed in groups with photos, or your child’s artworks displayed inside the frames. You can make use of fun paintings and posters to decorate the kid’s room in a funky way. Balloons also convey a sense of joy and fun in the room. Fluffy throw rugs or shaped rugs can be placed on the floor, to make it look lively. A rug not only makes the room attractive but also gives your child a warm and cosy place to read, colour or play. Stripes that pick up the colours on the wall or the bed also look fun on a rug. Let your child help – As you are decorating the child’s bedroom, allowing your child to help is a good idea. Let them have a say in the fabrics, colours and collectibles that they would like to have in their room. The design should be something that the child likes. Working together on a decorating project is a great bonding opportunity. Children love being involved in making decisions. Research ideas in magazines and on the internet and have fun with it.

May 12, 2014
Parenting Hub

14 Days for Loving Your Child

FEB 1: HIDE LOVE NOTES OR SURPRISES – Toddlers to teens love to be surprised. Hide a small valentine, an encouraging note, or a small valentine chocolate somewhere for them to find each day leading up to Valentine’s Day. Get creative and mix it up.  You could also leave a note each day in one place that contains clues to helping them find what you’ve hidden. FEB 2: READ A SPECIAL BOOK – Find a child’s illustrated book that sends a message of love and commit to reading it to your children every night, leading up to Valentine’s Day.  My favorite is the book LOVE YOU FOREVER by Robert Munsch and illustrated by Sheila McGraw.  It sends the message that I’ll always love you unconditionally, no matter how you behave and well into your adult years. FEB 3: PLAN A PARTY – Help your child plan a V-Day party with all of their friends. For one activity at the party, provide a personalized mailbox (or bag) for each child. On blank slips of paper, have each child write down words that describe what they like about each of the other kids, one child per slip of paper. They will deposit them in each others’ mailboxes. FEB 4: BE AFFECTIONATE WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER – Teach your children about love by expressing love for your significant other in front of them. Children who have healthy models of affection around them are likely to recreate in their adulthood what they witnessed as children. When your significant other and you argue or fight in front of the children, be sure and let the kids see the two of you makeup. FEB 5: SCHEDULE A DATE – Schedule a special Valentine date with each of your children. Put it on your calendar and tell your child so they will have something to look forward to. Scheduling in these dates ahead of time ensures they will happen. Then everything else that is less important can fill in around them. Why not schedule a date with your significant other as well? Do this every Sunday night for the week to come. FEB 6: FRAME A PICTURE OF THE TWO OF YOU – Take a picture of you and your child, frame it, and then give it to your child to put in his or her room on the dresser or night table. If you have more than one child, create one for each of them. For an older child, put a picture of the two of you in a locket that the child can wear. This will also help calm a child who feels anxious when being away from the parent. FEB 7: THE ENCOURAGEMENT FEAST – Use the ENCOURAGEMENT FEAST exercise with your family. Each person takes a turn in the center of the circle, facing each person who states one thing they love about the person in the center. Before the person in the center steps back into the circle, they must state one thing they love about them self. Then someone else steps into the circle. See the video FEB 8: GIVE 100% OF YOUR ATTENTION – When your child approaches you to get your attention, stop what you’re doing, get to your child’s eye level, silence your mind-chatter, and remain completely quiet while your child speaks. Nothing feels better to a child (or an adult) who has something to say, than the sense of getting 100% of that adults attention in that moment. FEB 9: MOVIE NIGHT – Have a movie night with your child(ren), complete with big pillows to snuggle up with and a big bowl of popcorn. The one difference in making this night special is that the movie being featured will be the home movies you have of your child(ren)! FEB 10: CRAFT PROJECT– Using a family meeting, have everyone create a craft project that represents love to them. Provide a wide selection of contraction paper and craft supplied and allow your children to create whatever comes to mind. Put the creations on display for everyone to see and enjoy, and photograph them to look at for many year to come. FEB 11- SHARE HOW YOU LOVE YOURSELF– Create teachable moments with your child when they are open to learning, by explain (and demonstrating) what you dod to love yourself. This might be a tough exercise for some, but teaching a child to love himself starts by setting a healthy example they can use. FEB 12- MAILBOXES–  In a family meeting have everyone make and decorate a mailbox using any household craft item. On slips of paper, have everyone write short love notes to everyone at the table as a practice run and then insert them in the appropriate mailboxes. Have everyone hang their mailboxes on their bedroom door knobs, for accepting mail whenever someone desires to write a note. FEB 13- FIND OUT WHAT MAKES THEM FEEL LOVED: Ask your child what he likes others to do or for him that makes him feel loved. Dr. Gary Chapman, in his book the five love languages of children, explains how each individual feels loved in different ways; receiving gifts, hearing words of affirmation, acts of kindness, or touch. Ask your child which one makes him feel love. FEB 14: COMPOSE A POEM FOR YOUR CHILD: Compose a poem about your child or describe how much you love her. Print it off on special preprinted paper with a border that can be purchased at office supply stores. Frame it and hang it on your child’s bedroom wall. You could even include the child’s picture or her foot or handprints if you had done them earlier. Sign it and read it to her nightly.

February 3, 2014
Parenting Hub

How to End Childhood Swearing

There is a tried and true psychological principle that says, “Notice something you don’t like about your child, show some emotion, and the problem is guaranteed to get worse.” Childhood swearing is a good example. Nowhere do we see this phenomenon more evident than when parents hear their little cherub utter one of the dreaded four-letter words. Many parents react with a variety of emotions ranging from shock, to out and out adult temper tantrums complete with threats. A normal child has to witness this parental display with utter fascination. “Wow. Look at my folks now. I haven’t generated this much household excitement in a long time. I know exactly how to push their buttons. Television can’t compete with this!” Many people believe some severe punishment for swearing will put an end to it. However, punishment doesn’t work because the parent’s attention is the ultimate reward. Punishment added to parental exasperation is intoxicating for the average kid. Here are some real-world techniques to end these word battles: 1. Focus on the location of the word instead of the badness of the word. Talk with your kids about situations when these words are and are not acceptable. Consistently react to swearing with, “Is this the right place for that word? Thank you.” Some effective parents say, “How sad. There’s someone in your mirror who enjoys those words. Why don’t you go to your room and have a talk with that person.” 2. Use the Love and Logic® “Energy Drain” technique. “Oh, listening to words like that drains my energy. Give me a little while to think of some ways you can put that energy back in me.” Say these words with the all the appropriate body language of a person who is becoming exhausted. Later say, “I think if you did some of my housework it might restore some of that energy I lost listening to your swearing. Thanks.” This worked for one mom who told me about her 6-year-old son who brought home some bad language from school. She dramatically held her head, sat down, and said, “Energy Drain,” each time he said one of those words. She was unable to do things for him until he had restored her energy by doing some of her chores. His swearing soon faded away. One day as she was driving him to school another driver cut her off. Before she could catch herself, she blasted the other driver with a few choice four-letter words. The moment those words slipped out, she realised her son was in the back seat hearing every word. As she looked in the rearview mirror, she saw his hand go to his head and heard him say, “Energy Drain.” She was shocked. This wise mother stopped the car, looked at her wonderful son, and asked, “Do you think an ice-cream cone would put some energy back in you?” “Maybe,” he sniffed. As they sat in the ice-cream shop he looked at his mom and, with the most drained expression, said, “Mom. You said three bad words. My energy was really drained. I think I’ll feel better after two more ice cream cones.” By Jim Fay

January 1, 2014
Parenting Hub

My Son Wants to Quit an Activity… Should I Force Him to Play?

This was the question I received from a mother who told me that her son suddenly wanted to quit the sports team he was on, right in the middle of the season.  She asked me if she should allow him to quit or force him to continue.  I suggested that she have him finish out the season by attending the games to support his team, but not force him to play.  After sitting on the bench for a few games, he suddenly wanted back on the team. Understanding why your child’s sudden decision is important but is not always easy to figure out.  Asking him why may only result in the response “I don’t Know.”  A child’s or teen’s sudden desire to quit a team can be a result of a number of things; a peer relationship issue, bullying, a fear of failing, competition, a lack of confidence or sights set on another activity that he or she likes better.  It can even be a result of a change in the family dynamics, such as the loss of a parent or other family member, or even divorce. It’s not always best to force a child to participate, but instead, find out what he or she is willing to do within the activity for the remainder of the season.  Take notice of when your child is in a great mood and ask open ended questions about the situation to get him or her to open up and talk about it.  Give them some space and time to mull it over and avoid drilling them to find out why. One day my tween-age son announced that he wanted to quit the school marching band (he had been playing since third grade and had held first chair for the past few years).  He came in, tossed his trumpet in the case into the closet, and declared that he didn’t want to play in the band anymore and marched off.  I was not happy about this since we had recently upgraded his trumpet to a much more expensive SILVER trumpet, at his request. I did not respond to his declaration but later that day tried to engage him in conversation about why he had made that decision.  His response with full disdain was that the trumpet was a stupid instrument.  He then asked if he could get a set of drums.  I told him that I was into the silver trumpet for quite a bit of money and because of what I paid out for it, I might be willing to consider buying a different instrument in about two years. That response got him mad.  So for the next few days he left for school without taking his trumpet to school.  I said nothing about it, but on a few occasions I again tried to engage him in conversation about why he was no longer playing his trumpet.  On each of those occasions he offered up a different excuse; the teacher was stupid, the trumpet was dumb, etc.  Then, on the last day that he could not bring his trumpet to school without being removed from the band, he took the trumpet to school. I was relieved that he was back playing the trumpet in the school band.  What I later found out as the reason for this sudden dislike for an instrument he loved so much, was that he become careless and lost first chair.  If I had forced him to bring the trumpet to school, he might have retaliated in other ways and may have never owned up to the real problem.  If I had been one of those parents that did go out and buy him the drums, again, he may have been unable to learn what he needed to learn about himself and the consequences of not working hard.  Giving children space and time to learn from experiences is key to their emotional development.

November 19, 2013
Parenting Hub

Are you raising a brat?

Every child is born a loving , gentle individual and every child is prone to bratty behavior at some phase of childhood.  For those parents who are unsure if your child is going through a phase or has simply become a brat, here are some tell tale signs to help you identify if you are raising a brat …… Crying or yelling – your child may resort to crying or yelling when they want something. This could be because they may not possess an inside voice or be able to convey a request without yelling, which often result in the slightest of issues like eating supper or bedtime become a crying or yelling match. This however does not mean that they are becoming a brat… it is important however to teach your child vocalize correctly when they are wanting something. Tantrums – Children are all masters at throwing tantrums, leaving no place nor person spared from the effects of a tantrum.  At first glance it could appear that your child is throwing a temper tantrum, however there are times when they are simply having a meltdown and this is very different. A temper tantrum is thrown because your child feels the need to control a situation or to use it as a power play to get what they want. A meltdown, is a tantrum thrown, when your child feels overwhelmed by their emotions, environment or sensations around them. These meltdowns safe guard your child and are the manifestation of uncertainty and fear. In both cases, these need to be addressed and handled with care. Often times when a parent fails to acknowledge the temper tantrum the child will resort to different means of communicating what their “wants” are and is important that you as the parent explain to the child that their behaviour is unacceptable. When your child has a melt-down it is important to acknowledge their feelings or anxiety at the time and help resolve the true matter at hand. Physical violence – Punishment and not giving in to demands will be seen by your child as opposition and they will lash out by means of hitting, punching, pushing, kicking, biting or throwing items. Your child may have learnt that by causing physical pain others will result in them achieving their desired result.  We as parents, must address this issue at the time that it occurs and ensure that the child knows that their behaviour is not acceptable. More often than not, these sorts of behaviour are picked up by those around him either within the home or at school. Ignoring commands – Child who will ignore or “tune out” when spoken to. These children often refuse to comply with the request or command you have given them.  These children may find themselves in trouble at school often, this behaviour occurs most when the parents are around. This occurs because the child knows that they can “play up” and the parent will react in the manner the child wants. Rude and ill mannered – Children who are rude to adults and even to other children, combined with the displaying of bad manners and speaking with disrespect to other. It is important to remember that your child did not suddenly wake up one morning speaking this way, this is skill that your child has learnt through the behaviour that has been observed around him. Children learn by example and those who are around people, who treat with respect and talk within a decent tone to others, in order to achieve their goals, often don’t find themselves in these sorts of situations. Non -sharing – Children who refuse to share with others, this can be for toys, food or attention often can become hoarders and will go so far as to snatch items from others. Sharing is an important skill for your child to learn. It is vital that your child understands that although they will be sharing a particular item or attention that the item remains their own. This is often brought on by insecurity that your child is feeling within their world. By explaining the process of “what happens next”, once they have handed the toy over to their playmate reduces the chances of your child developing a problem with sharing.  It is also important to note that your child will need reminders about sharing and that this skill does take some time to develop. Not obeying rules– Children who believe that they are right and entitled to what they want at all times.  These children do not see the need to conform to the families rules and often this later becomes societies rules. Your child will test your boundaries at some point or another. By you and your partner working as a team to show your child that the rules of the house are important you can rectify this behaviour. More often than not children will begin to conform if no other behaviour is accepted within the household. Children are constantly learning in the early phases of life. This means that by displaying the correct behaviour that you would like your child to exhibit, will often result in the angel that you always dreamt of having.  Do not underestimate the power of friends influencing from a young age and try to ensure that your child is spending time with the right people from a young age. This will ensure that fewer bad decisions are made later in the teen years when it comes to them picking their friends.      

November 13, 2013
Good Night Baby

How is your child sleeping? Give him the gift of a Good Night’s Sleep!

Sleep. We all need it, and we don’t know how important it is until we can’t get enough of it? Are you a mother? Then you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. Can you still remember what it feels like to look into your partner’s eyes? To have time to read a magazine, take a long bath and just generally have a life? Or are you constantly on pyjama drill? Wondering when this “punishment of motherhood” will end. Sleep is vital for all humans to be healthy: it’s when we recharge so we’re at our personal best. Bad sleeping habits it linked to obesity, poor performance, ADHD, car accidents… you name it! If your child isn’t sleeping well, you’re likely not to either and this could be detrimental to your health as well as your child’s! However, if addressed early on, sleep problems can be overcome. The bad news is bad sleepers do not just “grow out of it”. But the good news is there is a lot you can do about it! Here are a few myths about sleep that you need to be aware of: Myth #1 ~ All soothers are good for my child’s sleeping habits. Unfortunately not all soothers (be is dummy’s, taglet blankets, mommy’s fingers, milk) is good for your child’s sleeping habits. It depends on your child’s age and tendency’s, but chances are that he can use some of these to aid him/herself in falling asleep which never teaches him the skill to self sooth. Myth #2 ~ The later I put my child in bed and the more tired he gets during the day, the better he will sleep.  Actually it works the other way around. The better rested your child is, and putting him/her to bed at an appropriate bed time, actually makes them sleep better and longer. Myth #3 ~ Some children are just bad sleepers and they will grow out of it eventually. Did you know that studies have shown that adults who tend to have insomnia and bad sleeping habits were actually bad sleepers as children? Sleeping is actually a skill we need to teach our children, just like walking, eating and drinking. Your child will not grow out of it! The earlier you address it the better! Myth #4 ~ I can wait to start teaching my child the skills to sleep when he is older or on solids. The fact of the matter is that we as parents interfere with our children’s healthy development of good sleep cycles. There is so much that we can do better from the day they are born to implement healthy sleep associations and awake-sleep cycles. Myth #5 ~ The only way I can teach my child to self sooth is to leave him to cry-it-out. Teaching your child to self sooth is not just a matter of leaving him to cry. There is so much that you can do as parent to follow a structured sleep plan that will give your child’s this skill. Sleep is influenced by so many things; stimulation, routine, feeding habits, bedtime, health, discipline, and a trained professional can help you to implement changes in your child’s life that learn him the art to self sooth. Remember that crying is your child’s way of protesting change, and not all crying is bad. Myth #6 ~ It is selfish of me to want to have my child sleep through the night. Remember that teaching your child self soothing strategies are not about you! Consolidated, uninterrupted 11/12 hours of sleep is what your child needs. By taking the necessary steps to achieve restful, consolidated sleep for your child you will be giving them a skill they will carry with them throughout their lives. And this is truly a gift.    

November 4, 2013
Judy Dooley

Dealing with an anxious child

At some stage of childhood all children may become anxious or nervous due to new situations , change in routines or simply because of the over stimulation of a world that is far to large and confusing for them to comprehend. These anxieties are often debilitating and leave your child feeling vulnerable and afraid. What is anxiety?  Anxiety is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure , fear of not knowing. Never belittle a child’s fears because although there is usually no immediate threat to your child they believe their fears are real. Some signs that your child may be anxious could include any of the following : A child who becomes overly clingy, impulsive, or distracted. New nervous movements ( twitches, excessive hand wringing , blinking) Disturbed sleeping patterns, either not able to sleep or sleeping longer than usual, or nightmares. Sweating hands, dizziness, accelerated heart rate and breathing or the inability to breathe. Feeling nauseous. Complaining of headaches or stomachaches. The most effective way of helping an anxious child is to: Understanding anxiety – Taking the time to recognise and explain your child’s anxieties , allows them to know that anxiety is not a negative emotion. Rather it is our bodies way to safe guard us from what we fear or what may hurt us. Prepare and plan – Always try to be that one step ahead, discuss where you going , what the area looks like, what they need to do. Recently , while on holiday , my 17 year old son who has Aspergers, was asked to pay the parking meter. Totally unsure of the practice he went into anxiety overdrive. Calmly explaining each step to him , the  hurdle was overcome and he was quite happy to pay the meter . Encourage with positive words – Positivity and choice of words greatly affect your child’s anxiety.  By reinforcing positive statements you not only encourage , reassure but also develop a healthy self esteem. Role play –Role play can be very effective , especially in small children. This allows them to go through the motions of  something they have never done and are unsure of what it entails or what role they are to play. Coping techniques – Teaching your child some coping  techniques, such as breathing deeply or using a stress ball,  ensure that your child knows their emotions have been understood and that they have your support to overcome their fears. It also gives them a control over their fears. Support – Always listen to your child. They are anxious for a reason . Stay at the extra mural , walk them to school, hold their hand a little longer. We are our children’s safety nets and here to guide them through the unknown and fearful. While most children experience relatively mild forms of anxiety, some may suffer from more serious anxiety disorders that require treatment.  Always consult your paediatrician if you feel your child’s anxiety may be controlling their day to day functioning.

October 29, 2013
Parenting Hub

7 Things to Prepare Your Kids for School

Shut Down Summertime Leniencies. As school approaches or starts, set up a family meeting (whether you have a significant other or not) to discuss the rules that will change at home: bedtimes, shutting TVs off, removing entertainment electronics from bedrooms, having to turn in social media devices and “friend sleep over rules.” Allow your child to voice his or her concerns over these changes, adopt the policies, and implement them on a specified date. It’s also a good idea to document the changes and post them where all can see them; sometimes children become forgetful of what they agreed to. School Supply Shopping. Sit down with your children and allow them to help you determine what supplies they are going to need for the coming school year. You are the parent and have final say over what is on the list, but use that authority with kindness and respect. Take your children shopping and let them be in charge as they carry the hand baskets and retrieve all the items on the list. Give them a set amount of money to spend to accommodate all that’s on the list and allow them to pay for the items at the checkout. The Work Space at Home. Collaborate with your children as to where homework will be done. Create a list with her and then go back through to review it and eliminate any locations that you’re not OK with. Remember, collaborating with your children is a way of helping them feel respected, but you’re still the boss. Set up the space that was decided on and help your children organize the supplies that were purchased at the store. The Homework Schedule. Each child is different when it comes to doing homework, so this next exercise will require your greatest level of patience. Help each of your children determine when they feel that they are best able to work on homework. Some children can do it as soon as they get home and others need a break before starting it. Coach each child into establishing their own schedule, make it clear and defined, and then document it. Your job will be to help reinforce what is decided. Control of Entertainment and Distractions. Announce a rule that any and all entertainment electronics and hand-held social media devices are to remain off or better yet, be turned in to the parents during the established homework times. This new rule should be in effect on school days, Monday thru Thursday and even on days when there is no homework. I’ve heard too many stories from parents who did not implement this rule and had their children come home after school reporting they had no homework, only to suddenly and mysteriously remember a homework assignment later that night or at bedtime. The Bedtime Schedule. I’ll tell you now that it is NOT your responsibility to get your children to fall asleep. That must happen naturally and your children are more in charge of that than you are. Your job is to create an environment and an atmosphere that is conducive to your children getting sleepy and eventually falling asleep. Your direct role is to define when bedtime will occur, enforcing it, and removing all distractions from their bedrooms, such as video games, televisions, cell phones, and computer.

September 23, 2013
Bill Corbett

20 Tips for Caring for Special Needs Children

Although I cherish parents of all children, those responsible for raising special needs children and teens are courageous adults who somehow make it through each day.  They are tasked with greater challenges and frustrations than other parents.  They are not always able to get to school related and networking events because they are probably scheduling and driving to extra appointments for their children.  And finding someone to step in for them so they can have a break is not quite as easy as it may be for other parents. These ‘other‘ parents I speak of are those with children without special needs.  But parents of children with special needs have additional, unique opportunities that put them in survival mode for getting through each day and spending any extra time they can find at researching the disorders and medical conditions that their precious child arrived with. I am writing this article with some personal experience as my granddaughter was diagnosed with severe attention deficit hyperactivity disorder at a very early age.  I helped my daughter care for that sweet little girl in the first few years and remember well all of the challenges my daughter faced.  And although my wife’s oldest son was never officially diagnosed, he demonstrates the classic behaviours associated with Asperger’s Syndrome.  I’ve heard all of her stories of the extreme challenges he provided to her in his early years, and see those behaviours now in adulthood. Here are my top tips for caregivers of children with special needs.  The first two are not at the top of the list by accident.  Giving these first two priority over the others will increase your success at implementing the rest: Create time with your non-special needs children.  Make extra time for your children that do not have special needs to reassure them that they too are loved and are special in their own ways.  Seeing their sibling receiving special attention can generate jealousy and drive them to act out and behave in their own challenging ways. Take extra care of yourself.  What will keep you going longer and stronger is your own charged batteries.  Take time out for you whenever you can and avoid living according to the standards others may try to set for you. Get organised to make things easier.  Use an easy-to-update calendar to keep track of all special appointments and medications.  Keep it readily available and readable for those who may come in and offer you relief. Stay organised.  When behaviour issues or tantrums occur, that is NOT the time to go in search of items you might need to get the children (or others) ready for events and for transitions.  Setting up clothing, lunches and supplies the night before will keep things moving in the morning. Stay on top of your child’s IEP.  Although the school is responsible for ensuring that all components of the plan are carried out, don’t wait for the school to follow up.  Keep it up to date and request reports on progress as needed.  See that your child is reevaluated every three years (or at intervals outlined in your child’s plan). Create routines for you and your child.  Although all children do better with sameness and routine, those with disorders need it for self-soothing and comfort.  Both you AND your child will benefit by creating patterns that everyone involved can expect and look for. Challenging behaviour may be communication.  Whether a child has special needs or not, resistance, meltdowns and tantrums are usually the child’s way of telling you that something is wrong.  Remain calm and do your best to understand what might be the trigger of sudden change in behaviour. Provide physical activities often.  The more that we provided physical stimulation for my granddaughter; the easier it was to acquire her cooperation later in the day.  I spent many afternoons at activity centres where she could climb, run and jump. Remain calm and move forward with intent.  When your child’s emotions erupt, you must be the ‘lighthouse in the storm.’  Remaining calm can influence your child to calm down sooner.  Avoid allowing them to change your mind or your purpose in the moment.  Remain quiet, be still for a moment and ease them into the transition. Speak in a quiet tone often.  Auditory sensory issues can disrupt peacefulness and cooperation without warning.  Gaining the attention of many special needs children more effectively means teaching others around the child to speak softly with low volume. Make bedtime routines a high priority.  Adequate sleep is critical for children with special needs and increases the success of working with them the following day.  Create as much routine as you can around bedtime events so they will ease into the sleep schedule in a timely fashion. Avoid sensory overload when meltdowns could occur.  Knowing your child means being able to predict when the conditions are right for the possibility of a meltdown.  When these conditions occur, shut down or reduce audible or visual chaos that could bring on a meltdown. Plan ahead.  Packing backpacks or putting out clothes the night before can help keep everyone on schedule by creating expectations and minimising surprises.  This means having to stay five steps ahead, knowing what you and your child will need for the coming appointments/events. Surround yourself with encouraging people.  Although we should all take this one to heart, parents of special needs children need an encouraging circle even more.  Remove toxic and unsupportive people from your life and hang out with those who support you. Use visual timers and schedules.  When a special needs child can see a change approaching, the caregiver is more likely to get the cooperation she needs in moving the child forward.  TimeTimer.com and Schkidules.com are two of my favourite resources for these products. Pick your battles.  If you find your child having a fit because she doesn’t like the way an item of clothing fits or the existence of a tag or waist band, don’t fight with them. 

September 16, 2013
Parenting Hub

Teaching children the importance of recycling and caring for their environment

From a tender age, we’re filling our children’s absorbent minds with need–to-know information. As parents, our goal is for perfect manners to become second nature, and for important habits to be instilled as early as possible – like brushing teeth, packing away toys and putting on seatbelts. The future of recycling lies in the hands of our youth, and these are also the individuals who will carry the burden of higher carbon footprints if it is not reduced. As parents, we have the opportunity to help develop a generation of eco-warriors. We teach our children to say please and thank you, we tell them not to talk to strangers, not to litter, and so many other small yet essential life skills that we don’t even consciously think about. Why then should lessons in environmental protection and recycling be any different? The Glass Recycling Company (TGRC), South Africa’s national organisation responsible for facilitating the recovery of waste glass for recycling, is working hard at encouraging citizens to increase glass recycling quantities. It’s up to us to empower our children by educating them as to the positive effect that recycling will have on our environment, and how they can make a difference. Recycling is easy; you don’t have to start big to make an impact. Tips from TGRC to educate your family (and yourself) include:   Find your nearest glass bank. Visit The Glass Recycling Company website www.tgrc.co.za call 0861 2 GLASS (45277), or sms ‘GLASS’ to 45686 (SMS charged at R1.50) Whenever you purchase something packaged, think about how you can reuse or recycle the packaging. Glass is 100% recyclable and can be recycled again and again without losing its purity or strength Plan your trips to bottle banks to fit into your daily schedule – it will become part of your routine rather than a chore! Take your kids with you and show them how and where to put their bottles Get your child’s school to register for The Glass Recycling Company school competition. Not only will this mean a conveniently placed glass bank at the school, but also a chance for schools to win fantastic cash prizes. For more details, visit  www.tgrc.co.za Explain to your children what is recyclable and what is not. Glass containers, such as those used for food and beverages can be recycled Other types of glass, like window glass, ovenware, pyrex, crystal and light bulbs are manufactured through a different process and cannot be recycled through South Africa’s glass manufacturers Reuse old containers – they are great for storing paint, crayons, buttons and arts and crafts tools such as paint brushes, rulers and much more In South Africa, it’s not necessary to wash glass before placing it into “Glass Banks”, or to place different coloured glass into separate banks.  Recycling is just so easy   By making recycling a way of life as habitual as the other lessons we teach our kids, before we know it, we will have a generation of recyclers working together to build a sustainable environment.    

March 18, 2013
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