Toddler - Parenting Hub

Advice from the experts

Appropriate Boundaries In Parenting

What do parents most want from children? Is it obedience – for children to do what parents think is best whether for the benefit of the child or for the parent? Could it be love – that parents want their children to love them unconditionally as parents try to love their children unconditionally? What about becoming good citizens who are responsible, pleasant to be around, non-offensive to others, and working toward success and independence? And, does love equal respect? So, how do parents get what they most want from their children? The answer is setting appropriate boundaries. These boundaries look and feel different depending on the chosen parenting style. There are typically three styles of parenting with some parents jumping from one style to the other depending on what point or convenience they believe is important to make at the time. The first boundary style is called “lines in the sand” as described here: 4-year old Jody and her mother are eating lunch at a local restaurant. Jody wants some gum out of the gum ball machine and asks her mom for some money. When mom says “Not now, sweetie”, Jody continues to ask and mom continues to deny the request. Mom decides to call a friend on her cell phone and while mom is distracted Jody goes into her mom’s wallet, gets a handful of change, puts the coins in the machine and comes back to the table with some gum in her mouth. After a bit, Mom finally notices Jody chewing gum and tells her friend the whole story as Jody listens. Mom expresses to her friend she just doesn’t understand why Jody doesn’t obey her. Jody is never personally scolded for her poor choice or instructed how to make a better choice. Although many parents want to have fun with their children, when a parent draws a line in the sand as the boundary for the child to follow, the relentless waves of the tide come in and wash the line away each time it is drawn. Therefore, what did Jody learn? If this parenting style is used often, Jody will relentlessly test her mom and other authority figures just to see where the boundaries actually are. Often, foster parents are unsure of where to place boundaries on foster children and may be overly lenient to compensate for the hurt foster children have experienced. “Lines in the sand” parenting tells foster children that 1) they are not good enough to have set or standard boundaries and will need to set their own, 2) the parent is incapable of setting appropriate boundaries, or 3) they are special and don’t need to follow the same boundaries as other family members. This parenting style leads birth and foster children toward rebellion breeding chaos, fighting, disrespect and a low sense of self- worth. The second style of parenting is described as a “brick wall”. Picture it … a tall, thick, red brick wall. Does it signify protection, strength, a sense of durability; or could it be described more cold, looming, harsh, and impenetrable? Children need the protection and strength from parents but never do they need parents to be unwelcoming, forbidding, rigid or unforgiving. Children also need the opportunity to learn to make good choices. A safe and comfortable home environment is where children can experience many opportunities to practice making choices. Being allowed to make choices encourages confidence. If children find the answer to their requests always being “no”, and / or a place where guilt and un-forgiveness is the rule of the day, then those children will seek acceptance elsewhere and usually in unfavourable settings. This parenting style also leads children to rebellion breeding chaos, fighting, disrespect and a low sense of self-worth. Often children run from rigidity because their inherent sense of free will or freedom of choice is being squelched. Foster children have often been reared in homes which have neglected their needs either through moving or non-existent boundaries, such as “lines in the sand”; or very strict boundaries described as “brick wall” parenting. The two extremes in parenting have been explained leaving the third parenting style of the “deep-rooted tree”. Picture a tall sturdy tree whose branches spread out over the yard giving shelter, shade, beauty, freedom, creativity, recreation and a feeling of being tested over time. One of the benefits of this parenting style is the manner in which life’s storms are weathered – with grace, flexibility and wisdom. There’s no room for arrogance, impatience or pity. A quiet strength is rooted in good soil rich with healthy nutrients expressing the importance of taking care of oneself and of others. There are no inappropriate expectations nor judgement but a joy when family members choose to spend time together under the tree. Delightful flowers and foliage often bring forth delicious fruit allowing others to share from the bounty and the beauty this style offers. When the storms come, deeply planted roots hold the tree upright with a strong trunk. The branches know just how far to bend without breaking from the wind. And so it is with this parenting style. As children need strength and wisdom from their parents, they also need flexibility. “Deep-rooted” parenting has a strong foundation supporting children to learn from their personal experiences through proper guidance in making effective choices. These teaching moments become life lessons which mould children’s character and prepare them to respond appropriately in future situations. As foster parents, strength with flexibility offered to all children shows parents care about children as individuals, that parents believe in children and trust their ability to make good choices for their level of development. Children experience freedom and peace when acting within appropriate boundaries. In return, through time parents will receive the love and respect that they demonstrate to others. Although flexibility is the key element in appropriate boundaries, determining how far a parent is willing to go and being consistent in not going beyond the boundary limit is crucial. A

September 10, 2015

4 Things to Help Your Kids to Dream Big

I watched my grandparents work every day of their lives, doing what they became good at and because it paid the bills. Whenever I tried to talk to them about what it might be like to do the work they REALLY loved, they would tell me that was what hobbies were for; a outlet for what you loved to do. During his prime, my grandfather was a carpenter and worked for a hard-to-please boss on a crew that built houses. When he wasn’t slaving away for that task master, he loved to work in his basement workshop, being creative with wood. Of the many things he made by hand, the most beautiful were the hand carved ships wheels. He only made them for those he was close to and he never accepted money for them. I feel fortunate that I have one of those huge wheels mounted on the wall of my office and I think of him every time I look at it. What do you dream of doing if you didn’t have to go to work each day to make your living? Is there something that you love to do and wish you could do it full time? Have you already found it and spend your leisure time working on? Wouldn’t you want your children to find that one thing they feel most passionate about and do it full time? Here are four things you can begin doing immediately as a parent to help your child DREAM BIG. Let them explore. Encourage your children to try new things by giving them opportunities to try them out. Avoid putting pressure on them to succeed and focus more on the experience of different activities. Speak of abundance and avoid scarcity. You want your children to know that anyone can do anything they put their minds to. Avoid mentioning that your family doesn’t have the means, supplies or money to do things. Allow them to help you come up with ideas for doing the things they love to do. Create a vision board or dream book. Purchase composition books for yourself and your children and have them draw pictures in the book that represent what they want to acquire or experience. Allow them to cut out pictures from old magazines to paste into their dream book. Teach them to add a new entry in images or text whenever they have a thought about something they dream of. Find movies and books that illustrate someone who dreamed big. Watch movies with your children or read books to them in which the main characters dreamed big and made it all happen. You want them to know that anything is possible if you dream it, think about it, illustrate it and see it often enough. They say that those who dream big and then follow those dreams will live longer, live happier, and attract healthy, supportive people into their lives. What parent wouldn’t want this for their children? Now you know what it takes to help your child begin their journey toward dreaming big!

September 9, 2015

Diabetes – Who Will Be There For Your Child When You Can’t Be?

The one thing that all parents seem to agree on is that children are unique and those who have diabetes react differently to the same set of circumstances even though they have the same condition. Some teachers will tell you that in their experience, when a child is hypoglycaemic, or hyperglycaemic for that matter, the behaviour exhibited by the youngster is out of character at best and insubordinate when nearing its worst. One teacher stated “I believed that a child with diabetes in my class was genuinely misbehaving, only to find that when insulin was administered normality was quickly restored.” The problem is that “I was a relatively new educator to the school and didn’t have any idea of how to deal with this child.” This is a worldwide problem. Many teachers still do not understand any of the basic concerning issues of diabetes and are ignorant of the consequences. I recently spoke to a mom whose diabetic child went on a school tour . She mentioned how her child, a ten year old, continuously ate and then at meal times had sugars of 20 plus. “I spent the entire 3 days worrying,” she said. Children will be children and we, as adults, need to be aware of how our own kids may react to the temptation of sugar-laden foods. Responsibility is key! Everyone needs to share this responsibility in order for kids to be able to manage their diabetes. The more information that one can supply to teachers and other supervising adults, like one usually do with coaches, the more successful one will tend to be. Sometimes people in authority can forget or even ignore children with diabetes. This oversight can become life threatening. The most successful way to communicate and control your child’s diabetic condition is to form partnerships – with teachers, parents, coaches, drivers, peers and more importantly, other diabetic children. This is possibly going to stand your child in good stead when he or she needs assistance. One needs to be able to be ensure that someone will know what to do in the case of an emergency, or even in the everyday management of the condition, like a friend gently reminding your child to test when he or she “forgets” to do so. All children with diabetes should be encouraged to share their diabetic management plan with their classmates, teachers and basically anyone who they may be around when their parents are absent. In a world where our children are under immense pressure to perform, we need to remember that the added strain on these little ones, who are trying to cope with all of life’s battles as well as managing their diabetes, is a particularly heavy load that even us as parents and adults sometimes forget. I believe that a team effort needs to be made with the schools and districts in provinces all around the country. Also, programmes need to be set up to inform individuals at all levels to assist diabetic learners whatever their needs may be, both inside the classroom and outside on a sports field. What is certain is that all children who are diagnosed with diabetes will need ‘a little help from their friends from time to time. By Mark Moore Mark Moore is a principal of a public primary school in Gauteng. He has a Higher Diploma in Education, a B.Ed Honours, and has recently completed a M.Ed by dissertation at WITS entitled “The Management of Diabetic Learners in South African Schools.”

September 4, 2015

All You Need To Know About Co-Sleeping

Parenting is fraught with tough, controversial decisions. What makes the decisions tough is that there are such varied opinions and every ‘expert’, mum and family member seems to have a very firm opinion on how you should raise your baby. Without question, one of the most highly charged discussions revolves around co-sleeping. Should you? Should you? These are questions you will be asking yourself. The benefits of co-sleeping There is evidence that babies who co-sleep breastfeed for longer than babies who don’t. This is probably due to the fact that these babies have more free access to their mum’s breast for night feeds. Sleep researcher, James McKenna believes that babies who co-sleep have better immunity, possibly due to the benefits from breastfeeding. Of course there is above all the convenience of sleeping with your small baby. Instead of getting up to check on your little one or to feed her, you can simply roll over to check on or feed her. Some research indicates that children who share sleep spaces with their parents experience emotional benefits such as security, emotional stability and are in the long run more likely to be well-adjusted. The risks of co-sleeping In recent years, co-sleeping has become recognised as a risk factor for cot death or SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). The American Association of Paediatrics recommends that parents do not co-sleep at all. An enormous amount of recent research points towards the risks of co-sleeping. Most of this research highlights where you co-sleep and the parent’s state whilst sleeping. Falling asleep on a sofa is very risky for the baby and has been conclusively linked to cot death. Likewise a parent who has had even one glass of wine or a painkiller should not co-sleep with their baby as suffocation is much more likely when a parent sleeps deeply while co-sleeping. Even removing these confounding factors, co-sleeping in a bed with your baby under 6 months of age does increase the risk of cot death (SIDS). The question is whether the risks outweigh the benefits and this is where the discussion on co-sleeping takes place. Co-sleeping safely If you are choosing to co-sleep, you can do so safely and be confident in deciding to do so, if you take the following into consideration: Your baby must sleep on her back. Do not have a pillow near your baby. Do not cover your baby with your duvet, or use an electric blanket or hot water bottle. Place your baby on the outside of the bed next to you, not between you and your partner. Have a sleep nest that creates a space for your baby in your bed. Do not co-sleep if your baby is exposed to cigarette smoke during the day. Do not drink alcohol or take any form of pain medication before bedtime. Managing co-sleeping with your newborn and young baby Co-sleeping with your newborn may feel like the most natural way to sleep. You can feed on demand through the night and don’t have to get up to feed or check on your little one. If you are on pain medication do not co-sleep with your newborn. The risk of suffocating your baby, rolling on her or increasing her body temperature with your body heat or blankets is increased. Making changes The safest place for your newborn to sleep is in a crib next to your bed or in a co-sleeper cot. At this age, your baby will find the transition to sleep in her own space easy. Moving your baby from your bed to her own sleep space becomes increasingly difficult after 6 months of age due to habits and expectations. Co-sleeping and toddlers While toddlers should sleep in their own space, strangely enough this is the time in which co-sleeping is most common. Making changes Since habits will become firmly entrenched at this age, now is the time to make the move. It is preferable to make the move to her own room before your baby is two years old, that is while your little one is still in a cot. Once in a bed, boundaries need to be instilled which raises another whole set of issues. If you need to instil bed space boundaries, be firm and consistent. If you find the battle is too great, you can move to a halfway space – where your toddler has a sleep space next to your bed – a mattress on the floor is fine. At the end of the day, regardless of your baby’s age, you will need to make a call that you are comfortable with regarding sleep space and co-sleeping. Like all other parenting decisions – it’s a tough one and really there is no right or wrong – there’s what you do and don’t do.

August 3, 2015

Understanding Your Child’s Hyperactive Behaviour

Jamie has always been an extremely ‘hyperactive’ child. At only a few months old I knew I was in for an undoubtedly rough time. When he was approaching the two year old mark, there were expectations of the dreaded “terrible twos” . Waiting for those moments, it never happened. There were uncontrollable outbursts of energy, but never tantrums and all of the undeniably terrifying moments that you await when dealing with a toddler. When reaching 3 years old, it hit me! Hard. Jamie had realised that he was able to take full control of me. I had never felt so vulnerable. He knew no boundaries and testing my patience was becoming habitual. Running away from me and throwing tantrums were the norm. I had difficultly comprehending the idea that I was unable to control my 3 year old child. I doubted my skills and authority as his Mother. I would become angry and reprimanded him for everything he was doing ‘wrong’. It was very hard to determine the difference between the typical mischievous behaviour of a “boy” and that of a child with an intense overdrive. I started researching and comparing his behavioural characteristics and came to realise that he was unable to help himself cope with the activity transpiring in his innocent little mind. I would take Jamie to a party, and he would get extremely anxious upon arrival, clinging on to me, grinding his teeth or sucking/biting on his thumb in hope of finding a self –soothing method that worked for him, he would only jump on the jumping castle if there were no other kids jumping. He would be visually and audibly stimulated and find it difficult to process what he had seen and heard through-out his day. Resulting in a karate-kicking, bungee-jumping (off the couch), dinosaur-dragon-roaring monster (it’s possible) most nights just before bed time. Any particular sound, smell or sight would awaken his senses. It would take us no less than an hour to get him to sleep. After many nights of fighting I became extremely tired of the struggle, I realised that he was not in full control of his reactions, and I had to find a way to help him. Upon intensive research, my Mom found some information on something called Sensory processing disorder (SPD) also previously referred to as Sensory Integration (SI) . Every characteristic described Jamie. Luckily for us, we caught it relatively soon and I began further research to gain some knowledge on how to assist him. I took him to an occupational therapist at Polka Spot Early Intervention Centre earlier this year and have received an incredible amount of support and knowledge in regard to the condition. I am currently in the process of practicing routines and methods to guide him and make our lives easier. So far I have seen a remarkable difference in his behaviour. In the interim, I would like to share some information with you in hope that it will give you some peace of mind that you have not done something wrong, nor have you eaten something of poor quality while pregnant that may have harmed your child and caused him/her to be this way (yes, we as moms ask ourselves these questions at times). Sadly, this condition is often overlooked and misdiagnosed. There may not be a cure, however, there are many ways to guide and help you and, more importantly, support and assist your child to cope with it. What is SPD? Sensory Processing Disorder refers to the way the nervous system receives messages from the senses and turns them into appropriate motor and behavioural responses. In order to successfully complete an activity (whether it be riding a bike or reading a book) it requires the co-ordination and processing abilities of your senses. It is a condition that occurs when sensory signals are unable to process into appropriate responses. A child with SPD will find it difficult to process and act upon information received through the senses, which creates challenges in performing everyday tasks if not treated correctly. Motor Clumsiness Behavioural problems Anxiety Depression SPD can affect children in one sense on its own – for example, touch, sight, or movement – or in multiple senses. There are two different types of Sensory disorders; Over Responsive This suggests that a child will over-respond to stimulation such as the feeling of clothing (for example, doesn’t like to get dressed), physical contact, light, sound, food (fussy with food textures) or any other sensory input that will be unbearable. Under-Responsive This suggests that a child will show little or no reaction to stimulation such as pain, extreme hot or cold. Stats One study suggests that 1 in 20 children’s daily lives are affected by SPD. Another research study suggests that 1 in every 6 children experiences sensory symptoms that may be significant enough to affect aspects of everyday life functions. While most of us have occasional difficulties processing sensory information, for children with SPD, these difficulties can be chronic, and they disrupt everyday life. SPD is most commonly diagnosed in children, but adults without treatment can also experience symptoms and be affected. If SPD is not treated, this may result in them reaching their adulthood with the inability to appropriately interpret sensory messages. Subsequently this may result in difficulties performing routines and activities and in severe cases; they may experience depression and social isolation. If you are in any way uncertain of your child’s behaviour, I encourage you to consider meeting with a professional Occupational Therapist, you could save your child’s social abilities. It is important to educate yourself about the difference between the possible diagnoses of your child’s behaviour and treat them accordingly.

July 23, 2015

Cetaphil Daylong Kids SPF 50+

As South Africans, we all love our long hot summer days. We know that we have to protect our skin from the sun’s harmful rays, even during winter when the sun only appears to not be as harsh. Cetaphil Daylong Kids SPF 50+ is a sun protection skin cream that takes a scientific view to protecting your skin from the effects of the sun. It provides a medical approach combining optimal quality, exceptional protection, and great skin feeling. The pump action container makes it easy for you to quickly apply. Cetaphil Daylong Kids SPF 50+ is dermatologically tested, very water-resistant, non-greasy and won’t block pores. “I was so impressed to see that the pump dispenser provides exactly the recommended dosage amount for absolute total sun protection. It was also so convenient that I could apply the same sunscreen to my child’s face.” Said a Parenting Hub mom when recently asked to try Cetaphil Daylong Kids 50+ sunscreen on her children. Another Mom said “As we are all fair-skinned people in my family, I decided to visit Galderma Laboratories’ website to see if I could find out more information about protecting my childrens’ skin and was pleasantly surprised to see that they have loads of information about all skin types. I did find that particularly useful and will definitely only be using Cetaphil Daylong Kids 50+ for my children in future.”

July 11, 2015

Learning Through Play

Research shows that children who actively engage in imaginative play and other sorts of play such as creative activities, are usually happier and more co-operative than those who don’t. They are much more willing to share and take turns and particularly more creative in their activities. They demonstrate a larger vocabulary than children who engage less in these childish activities. Through play, children build a solid foundation for future learning and open themselves to a world of learning opportunities. Early childhood development practitioners all agree that play for young children is essential. It is vitally fundamental to a child’s social, emotional, physical and intellectual development. Through healthy play activities, young children are better prepared to enter school and generally grow into secure and self-confident teens and adults. Interestingly through happy play, children begin a love of learning and prepare for life itself and for every parent, this is so important. Through activities such as cutting and drawing, they develop the muscles in their hands and fingers preparing them for future skills such as writing. When sharing materials used for creative activities, children learn to be cooperative with one another which is vital for their future social interaction on a higher level and forms the basis for positive self-esteem. And this is where the Mysmartkid programme succeeds in bringing this all together. The team at Mysmartkid understand the importance of early childhood development and how challenging it can be for parents and caregivers to ensure that their children are reaching those essential developmental milestones. This is the very reason why they created this unique programme which provides members with the guidance, expert advice and tools necessary to helping your children progress and thrive. The Mysmarkid play and learn programme is tailored to your child’s age and six key developmental areas and helps your child to reach those important milestones. The Smartbox is filled with toys, activities and expert advice and is delivered to your child every two months. You will also receive two free useful welcome gifts when you join and have immediate access to exclusive resources and member discounts. Mysmartkid will be with you every step of the way and in addition to your bi-monthly Smartbox which features carefully selected and age-appropriate books, puzzles and toys, Mysmartkid provides you with a wide supplementary range of innovative and educational games, toys and products as well – easily purchased from the Mysmartkid online store. The benefit of belonging to the Mysmarkid programme is that members have access to early childhood development practitioners such as an educational psychologist and speech and language therapist to name only a few. Playing and learning is the foundation of the Mysmartkid programme. The team are of the firm belief that teaching children through play is how they can help you give your children the best possible advantage. Through the programme they can help parents to develop those necessary key skills, build relationships and expertly navigate through what is your child’s most vital developmental phase. Mysmartkid also offers members access to the Mysmartkid blog which allows you to clearly seek out articles pertaining to the six development areas : Wellbeing Identity Concepts Creativity Communication My World This well-presented and well-written blog allows you to search for articles broken down into age groups within the six development areas, making it so much easier for you to find exactly what you’re looking for. The most popular articles are highlighted within the blog and so parents can easily see what other parents are reading. This can be a great help to parents to know that other parents are experiencing the same difficulties as them. Mysmartkid has taken pains to ensure that they cater for the needs of young children and their early childhood development. However, through the Mysmarkid programme the team has recognised the necessity to educate parents in terms of their child’s development and so at no time do parents feel like they are out of their depth with no access to those in the know. They are provided with reading material and instructions within the Smartbox to give them all the relevant tools to work with their children in providing them with the means to play, learn and grow. The programme is sound, well researched and established and as such, you can depend on Mysmartkid to be there to support parents and their little ones on this important journey.

July 8, 2015

8 Ways To Be A Better Role Model On The Road

Providing a list of rules to teach your kids about road safety may be useful, however children can learn better if parents become role models for them on the road. When faced with a particular traffic situation, the behaviour of children can often be unpredictable. Here are 7 essential ways in which your actions can influence your kids: Slowing down, in general. If you are always hasty in getting in and out of your car your children will be too. Letting them out on the curb side if possible. Whenever your child is getting out of a car, try and ensure it is the rear side of the passenger seat. Always wearing your seatbelts while driving a car and always wearing a helmet while driving a bike. Remaining calm while driving and never yelling or shouting at pedestrians or other drivers. Obeying the traffic signals and signs and also explaining them and their significance and importance. You can use these games to have some fun here. Demonstrating: How a car works, how it goes forward and back, what you can see in the review and side mirrors. This will help them understand how easily another driver cannot see them in a driveway or when crossing the road. Avoiding devices. The statistics say it all, cellphones are one of the leading causes of car accidents. Be an example, especially to older kids who will be driving soon. Behaviour is habitual and can be taught, don’t teach them a dangerous habit. And make sure to reward a child when he/she shows good behaviour pertaining to road safety. Such an act always inspires children to repeat the behaviour. By demonstrating such important rules on road safety, you are not only helping your child become a good citizen, but also playing your part as a responsible citizen. The snowball effect will benefit all.

July 7, 2015

Safety Tips For All Kinds Of Kids Transport

The “have a password” tip was a great one that circled around the internet for a while. If you didn’t get to see it the tip simply advised that you discuss a “safe word” or password with your child, so that if someone else ever needs to collect them from school one day you can give them this password and insist your child asks for it. If you are one of our Soccermom clients this may be a good idea even if you already have a long-standing driver, you never know when it may be useful. Every situation is different and every family if different, mixed with younger kids and older kids, and all sorts of means of transport options that you may use. So here are a few additional useful tips that we have compiled for all sorts of transport: Bus Transport When waiting for the bus, stay away from traffic and avoid fooling around or other behaviour that can lead to carelessness or can accident Wait until the bus has stopped and the door opens before stepping onto the roadway At your stop, wait for the bus to stop completely before getting up from your seat. Then walk to the front door and exit, using the handrail Getting off the Bus: Make sure that the driver can see you Stay away from the bus’ rear wheels at all times MyCiti or Rapid Bus Transport Wait back from the curb at the bus stop Once on the bus, don’t block doors or lean on them Hold on if you are standing while the bus is moving Understand city buses are not school buses-when passengers exit, city buses move away and other traffic does not stop Avoid standing or walking in zones where drivers cannot see you Train Transport (You never know when one of your family member may need to use the Gautrain, they may even need to do it alone). Do not sit on the platform edge Do not play on the platform Watch your step entering and exiting Hold onto something if you are standing Do not lean on doors General public transport tips Look for an official badge or permit Take note of logos and colours Stay awake and alert at all times Keep close control over your bags and packages Know where you are going Know how to call for emergency help Teach your child that no matter what form of transport they take ultimately they are responsible for themselves and getting to their destination. So stay alert and stay aware and you will yourself safely there! Safe driving, The Soccermom Team

June 30, 2015

Down Syndrome Awareness

Children with Down syndrome are keen to be social and their interactive communication skills (the ability to understand and participate in conversations) are good. This strength should be recognized and every effort made to enable them to communicate in all the settings that they are in at home and at school. Increasing the quantity and quality of everyday communication experience for children with Down syndrome is an important intervention (Buckley, S. 2000:27). The following ideas and activities may enhance and develop language skills: Talk to your children – they understand more than they can say. Talk about what your children are doing and their experiences. Expand what your children are saying by repeating and elaborating on their sentences. e.g. If the child is saying “Dog sit”, you say, “The dog is sitting”. Follow your child’s lead in communication settings – this includes active listening and it may encourage more communication from your child. Incorporate all the senses when you teach your children new concepts, e.g. let them: listen to, look at, feel, taste and smell an object. Signing could be a useful tool which may allow more effective communication and less frustration. Musical activities may be beneficial: The repetitive, fun and engaging elements of music and musical activities, such as singing songs, rhythm and experimenting with musical instruments may also enhance and develop memory and attention qualities. Visual learning activities may support language learning and comprehension skills. For example: Playing language games where words are printed on cards. This could also help with learning individual words and their meanings. Reading books and pictures – an interactive and enriching activity for all! Time well spent and definitely one of the most valuable sources of language development. Most children with Down syndrome understand more language than their expressive language skills suggest and therefore their understanding may, very often, be underestimated. This means that their social interactive skills and non-verbal communication skills may be seen as areas of strength (Buckley, S. & Bird, G. 2001:5). However, facial muscle tone, articulation and phonology may need specific attention and support. The following activities may prove to be beneficial and help with speech production: Blowing bubbles or any other blowing activities (for example: blow balls and bubble fun). Create pictures by blowing paint over paper with a short straw. Blow up balloons. Blow whistles. Play Blow Soccer by using a rolled up ball of aluminum foil / a cotton ball on the floor or on a table. Sucking activities – use straws and vary the thickness of the straws. Licking an ice-cream. (Please be careful of allergies / intolerances) Spread peanut-butter on lips, the child can lick it off. (Please be careful of allergies/ intolerances) “They might be a little slower, but that also slows life down for everybody around them.” – Joshua Tillotson, father of Down Syndrome twins.

June 19, 2015

The Ultimate Balancing Act

When it comes to balancing family and career there is no more harassed adult than a parent. If you do manage to balance all the tasks you set out for yourself daily, you will still have to manage the huge emotional burden we all carry around as parents, with feelings of guilt and stress being foremost. Most of us have wondered what it would be like to trade in the work suit for fluffy slippers and be a stay-at-home parent. The reality though is that in this economy more and more of us need to work and contribute. While work pressure makes the alternative seems so appealing, it is also a challenge being home all day with little ones. There are various reasons but the biggest of these is the need for a salary, a longing to communicate with other adults and to stay intellectually satisfied. There are only so many daily routines one can take before feeling cabin fever when stuck at home. A stay-at-home parent has many stress factors too and many parents will tell you that your daydreams of outings and long visits to the beach usually don’t work out as planned. Children are often more interested in the small things and tend to be realllllly preoccupied with their snack, for example, while you would love for them to be looking at the diving dolphins swimming past. Children can also be manipulative and will especially be able to dictate to a parent who is emotionally prone to feelings of guilt and anxiety. Therefore, one needs to put guilt in its correct place amongst the plethora of emotions wrought on us as parents. Much of the guilt that we as parents feel can’t be tied to specific actions or issues, it’s just a vague sense that we’re doing everything just a little bit wrong. No matter what the situation, we feel guilty that we aren’t as perfect as the parents portrayed in the media. According to www.psychcentral, Guilt is an emotional warning sign that lets us know when we’ve done something wrong. It prompts us to re-examine our behavior so that we don’t end up making the same mistake twice. Guilt works best to help us grow and mature when our behavior has been offensive or hurtful to others or ourselves Unhealthy guilt’s purpose, on the other hand, is only to make us feel badly for little legitimate reason. Be aware that not every emotion, and certainly not every guilty feeling, is a rational one. www.psychcentral suggests we remember to be skeptical the next time we feel guilty – is it trying to teach us something rational and helpful about our behavior, or is it just an emotional, irrational response? It’s a simple fact of physics that a working parent isn’t going to witness her offspring’s entire day. It’s okay to be sad about missing out on the precious moments and milestones reached. If you let yourself be sad for the things you’re giving up by working, it may be easier for you to enjoy the things you’re gaining, for example your salary and some financial freedom. Copyright Georgia Argyropoulos, 2015 Write down your own motivations. Once you’ve reassured yourself that the salary and quality time you do have is worth the trade off, you may feel better about the emotional impact of guilt for not being a stay at home mom Time management is essential. Ensure you block off time for focused attention to your children, doing things that are important to you all. Then simply let go of the guilt. Find ways to reassure yourself that your child is in good hands during your working day. Nanny-cam and mobile connections like viber, whatsapp, live stream etc, make keeping in touch with your child’s caregiver so much easier (and free). Insist on some photos of their daily activities and you should be able to contact them during the day if need be to reassure yourself. When you do get home and are able to spend quality time with your child, set up at least one (or all) of the following daily routines: A fun bath-time ritual for your little ones can include things like soap-crayons and soap play-dough. You can find any manner of inexpensive toys for the bath and just go with the flow of things. Let this time of day be flexible and as relaxed as possible so that you enjoy the time as much as they do. If your child is a bit older, please consider reading to them every night just before bedtime. Reading to your child will be an especially calm activity and may instill a love for reading in your child. Reading remains one of the most essential academic functions in this day and age. If you have a teen and are scratching around for a novel way to spend quality time together, consider taking turns planning a dinner, setting the table and cooking a meal everyone wants to eat. Or bake! The action of preparing creates a favourable expectation and the reward isn’t just a great meal, it’s also that you spent quality time doing something fun. If you don’t have time to cook dinner then at least eat the dinner together at a table without the TV on. It may be the only time of day you have to chat with your family where everyone is not busy with a hand-held or other device. A really important part of managing the ultimate balancing act as a parent is this: Spend time alone so that you can build up your emotional reserves!!! One harassed working mom says, “I was reaching breaking point trying to manage my 2 and 3 year old toddlers, a booming business, a demanding husband and my household. I felt like I had Copyright Georgia Argyropoulos, 2015 reached my limit. So I found a really inexpensive B&B and booked myself in for the whole day. I slept, read a book and did nothing. All day! It

June 17, 2015

Alternative Therapy For ADD / ADHD?

Neurofeedback is a non-invasive learning strategy that works to improve the brains ability to produce certain brainwaves without the need for medication. You can think of it as “exercise for the brain”. By creating awareness about your own brainwave characteristics, you can learn to change them. Neurofeedback instruments show the kind of waves a person is producing, making it possible for the individual to learn to change in ways that improve attention and facilitate learning. It is essentially self-regulation training ideally suited to those with ADHD, ADD and specific learning disabilities. What are brainwaves? Brainwaves are the electrical wave patterns found in every person’s brain. Through EEG technology we can determine the strength and frequency of brainwave activity as it flows through the different areas of the brain. Beta is the fastest brainwave and is produced during focused activities and is essential for attentiveness and learning. Alpha is a slightly slower brainwave and is associated with a relaxed yet alert state of mind. Theta is an even slower brainwave and is associated with dreaminess, relaxation and sleep. Research indicates that children with ADHD are less able to produce Beta activity and experience excessive slow wave activity. In fact, when challenged with academic tasks, such children show greater increases in Theta activity and a decrease in Beta readings. In order for your brain to concentrate and learn, your brain needs to emit a high level of Beta waves, which the ADHD child is unable to do. No wonder children with ADHD have trouble concentrating! Other children become increasingly anxious in exam situations, generating too much Beta activity which also interferes with the learning and retrieval process, creating increased levels of anxiety. Assessment & Treatment The assessment procedure begins when a teacher / parent becomes concerned about a child’s ability to concentrate and learn. A thorough evaluation must be carried out in order to determine whether the clinical picture is consistent with ADHD. A useful tool for Neurofeedback practitioners is the involvement of a QEEG (quantitative electroencephalogram – computerized EEG evaluation). If the pattern of ADHD brainwave activity is detected, and fits in with the clinical picture, Neurofeedback training can commence. Through Neurofeedback training it is possible to increase Beta and decrease Theta, allowing for more focused learning in most children. How does one “train your brain”? Much like a clinical EEG sensors / electrodes are placed on the child’s scalp and fed through an amplifier into a computer programme. The child then proceeds to play computer games or watch a movie, the only difference is that the child must use their own brainwaves to control the game / show. When the child is focused in the correct way i.e. producing the perfect amount of Beta and Theta brainwave activity, the game / movie will play, if not, the screen will fade and the brain will know to readjust. The treatment is non-invasive and does not involve any medication. Individuals learn to voluntarily control their brainwave activity through operant conditioning. Is this a cure for ADHD? Neurofeedback never claims to “cure” any diagnosis. The goals of Neurofeedback are to teach the child to become increasingly self-aware and to train the brain to be more flexible. The goal of Neurofeedback training is not to change the child, but to make the child more self-aware and provide tools for the brain to re-organise itself and quickly shift into a more focused mode when required. It is important to remember that as humans we operate within a system and, as with more traditional therapies, additional support and guidance will be needed to treat the person as a whole. With Neurofeedback the child can still be the person they are, but with increased focus and awareness and an ability to “change gears” without relying on medication, thereby learning valuable and lasting skills. What are the results? • Finishing tasks • Listening better • Less impulsivity • Greater motivation and focus • Higher self-esteem

June 10, 2015

10 Things To Do With Children Who Don’t Take Disappointment Well

Eight year old David is playing a board game with his sister. Everything is going along well until the girl wins. David gets mad and a meltdown ensues. In another common scenario, five year old Sarah is watching a cartoon on her mother’s iPad. Mom tells Sarah that it’s time to leave and she shuts off the iPad. Sarah throws herself on the floor and begins screaming. Before I go further with this problem, please take note that this or any of my other articles are not substitutes for family therapy. They contain basic parenting advice for common situations. If your child is demonstrating serious challenging behaviours it is always a good idea to seek out the advice of a behaviour health professional. Start with your child’s paediatrician to determine appropriate next steps. From toddler to school age, the kind of behaviour I described in the first paragraph can drive parents nuts. Their first response is often scolding, sympathy, or even lecturing. I’ve seen many parents go right to the child and begin rationalising with them that their response to the loss or the end of an activity was unnecessary and over the top. The parents mean well as they try to reason with the upset child that it’s “no big deal,” or that there will be a next time. But trying to change a child’s perspective in the heat of the moment while they are experiencing intense emotion is usually a waste of time. What’s most important in that moment is: For you to remain calm and quiet Sooth or comfort the child if you can Keep them safe from harm caused by the physical aspect of their outburst The better time to reason with a child is after the emotion has subsided and they can actually hear you and think clearly The actual causes of this kind of behaviour could be many. From personality trait, temperament, a lack of parental boundaries, or even physiological influences such as hunger and fatigue. It could also be just a phase the child is going through at the moment. The most important thing you can do as a parent is: To learn the patterns of when this sort of behaviour occurs. Take note of what the activity was, the time of day, and any events just prior to the explosive-like behaviour Keeping a journal will help if you decide to seek help from a therapist or counsellor Use this information to: Plan your child’s activities to minimise the outbursts Stay one step ahead of them by setting up clear boundaries for your child with visual limitations on play Invite your child to help you determine how long an activity will occur and plan out transitions between activities by including your child in the planning stage Visual timers and schedules work well because your child can see who much time is left before transition occurs, or they can see the activities that will be taking place. Provide encouragement when your child does not get angry at an outcome. Bring their attention to how well they transitioned and ask them open-ended questions that lead them to their own conclusion about how things turned out.

May 26, 2015

Five Best Markets For Kids

Make the most of Summer – Winter is on its way! Visiting local markets is a great way to spend weekend days and they’re all the rage right now. It’s the perfect way to get the whole family out the house and the delicious food and fresh produce is a real draw card for parents. We’ve put together a list of our best family market picks in Joburg, Cape Town and Durban. Johannesburg Fourways Farmers Market Opening hours: Sunday, 10am-3pm http://www.ffmarket.co.za/ With lots of seating space and more than 61 vendor stalls this is your one-stop-Sunday-morning-market-shop. Relax on hay bales under tall pine trees enjoying delicious market food and live music – there’s even champagne by the glass. Also located on the premises is the Aroma Café (hyperlink) which boasts a buffet breakfast, a beautiful playground and a kiddies’ menu. Bryanston Organic & Natural Market Opening hours: Thursdays, Saturdays and public holidays, 9am-3pm http://www.bryanstonorganicmarket.co.za/ Organic and natural food is the cornerstone of this market that offers a great variety of foods particularly for allergies and special dietary needs. A huge appeal for families is the Kids Quarter where children can enjoy craft activities, including candle dipping, sand art and a gemstone scratch-patch. Cape Town Tokai Forest Market Opening hours: Saturday, 9am-2pm http://tokaiforestmarket.co.za/ Spend the morning browsing the beautiful Tokai market whilst enjoying the freshest artisanal coffee. The market boasts a jumping castle, jungle gym and pony rides. Coming soon are cooking demos and game afternoons. Organjezicht City Farm Opening hours: Saturday, 9AM – 2PM http://www.ozcf.co.za/market-day/ This organic foodie’s paradise has temporarily moved to the historic Leeuvenhof estate. Bring your picnic blankets, kids and dogs and enjoy a morning of delicious fresh produce. Explore the beautiful the estate and even take a dip in the premier’s pool! Durban Golden Hours Family Market Opening Hours: Sunday, 10am-3.30pm https://www.facebook.com/pages/GOLDEN-HOURS-FAMILY-MARKET/121337227882 Spend a Sunday at this kiddies’ market paradise complete with an exciting play area and activities for kids of all ages. Expect the freshest produce and traditional homemade goodies. The Litchi Orchard Opening hours: The 2nd Saturday of every month, 9AM – 2PM http://www.litchiorchard.co.za/market/ This beautiful market venue on Durban’s north coast, combines top class food and drink with loads of open space for the kids (and dogs) to enjoy. Keep a look out for the playful resident mongooses.

May 8, 2015

One Easy Way to Stop Complaints and Whining

It can be incredibly difficult to hear your child complain when you do so much for her. And then you think back to the little you may have had as a child and then feel this immense surge of resentment when your child complains about what you’ve fixed for dinner. Or it may be why he can’t have an iPhone, what one of her friends has that she wants, having to pick up her toys, or hundreds of other things they object to. One reason some children may do this is because it works; there may have been times in the past when he or she complained and because you were feeling stressed and annoyed, you may have just caved in and completed the task for her or let him have something else for dinner. Remember, children learn from experience on what works and what doesn’t, at getting their way. It doesn’t mean they are awful children or ungrateful. They just do things to get what they want, including getting out of having to follow through on things. And even though you may have experienced a hard childhood, your children just don’t care. You can lecture them all you want about what life was like for you, but if they haven’t experienced it, then they don’t get it. Two powerful words I encourage you to add to your vocabulary and to practice often when a child complains or whines is “I KNOW.” Silly sounding I’m sure, but I challenge you to try it out. And when you say these two words, say them with a calm, relaxed and almost sympathetic tone. Don’t snap the words and don’t shout them, just a calm and lazy, “I know.” No matter how ridiculous your child’s complaint sounds, avoid the urge to argue with them, convince them, or come across as demanding. When you hear, “We always have to eat broccoli,” avoid the urge to tell him how healthy broccoli is or how there are starving children in foreign countries; there’s a good chance they aren’t going to listen to you at that moment. If your teen says, “I think it’s stupid that I have to come in by 9:00 PM on a weekend,” you’re going to say, “I know.” Finally, something interesting may occur when saying these two words. After you’ve grown accustomed to using them frequently, some children and teens will actually resist your calm and sympathetic demeanor. Most of my kids and my step kids eventually responded by saying, “Stop saying that, I hate hearing those words!” I would then calmly say, “I know,” and they would run screaming from the room, covering their ears! It became a new “parent power” I never realized I possessed! I was able to stop the whining with very few words or energy. I’m not recommending that you annoy your children, I’m simply asking you to consider being consistent. You may then find that the whining stops because they don’t want to hear you say, “I know.”

April 29, 2015

Why Is Vocabulary So Important For Reading

Vocabulary plays an important part in learning to read. Beginning readers must use the words they hear out loud to make sense of the words they see in print. Children who have a wide vocabulary learn to read more easily as they can figure out unfamiliar words based on the knowledge of words related to the context. It is harder for a beginning reader to figure out words that are not already part of their speaking vocabulary. Consider this: when your little one starts learning to read and comes to the word cat in a book. She begins to figure out the sounds represented by the letters c – a – t and then very quickly realises that the sounds make up a very familiar word that she has heard and said many times. Thus the instant recognition is quicker and her recall of this word is better as she has the association reading strategy to use: all because the word is in her speaking vocabulary. Imagine now that there are hundreds of words in your child’s vocabulary so by the time learning to read comes along it is plain sailing. That’s what all parents want so BUILD VOCABULARY and you will BUILD A READER. Vocabulary also is very important to reading comprehension. Readers cannot understand what they are reading without knowing what most of the words mean. Therefore the more words a reader knows, the more they are able to understand what they’re reading or listening to. Talking to and reading to children are the two best way to develop vocabulary. As you introduce new words to your children, keep this in mind: Define the word in a child friendly manner: for e.g. ’enormous’ means really really big. Relate the word to the child’s life experience, ‘remember the big watermelon we bought in the shop, it was enormous’ Ask children to develop their own example of ‘enormous’ Use the word ‘enormous’ often over the next few weeks Parents please continue to read to your child long past the time they learn to read. The reason is that a parent is the fluent reader and can read vocabulary-rich text that a grade 1 learner is not yet able to read but is able to listen to and understand. Just because your child has starting reading, do not stop reading to him or her. Conversations are vital for vocabulary development, which in turn is one of the keys to unlocking reading. Are we talking enough to our children or are our hectic driven lifestyles and too much screen time creating an environment with less one on one dialogue between parent and child? With this in mind consider the following: The consequence of less verbal interaction between adult and child is a child with reduced vocabulary and the consequence of that is a poor reader! No parent wants that so I will say it again, BUILD VOCABULARY and you will BUILD A READER.

April 28, 2015

The Effects Of Trauma On Children

Unfortunately, trauma is an all too common occurrence in South Africa. Trauma has many different guises and can encompass anything from criminal occurrences (such as muggings, hi-jackings, smash and grabs, house robberies etc.), natural disasters (floods, etc.) or any other unexpected event (such as witnessing or experiencing abuse, being involved in a motor vehicle accident, divorce of parents, having a family member that is ill, etc.). In addition, some children can also experience a secondary traumatization when their school peers for example, undergo a traumatic experience and re-tell the event. If parents are concerned that their child has undergone a trauma they need to be aware of some of the possible signs and symptoms of trauma: Anxiety, manifested by excessive worries and fears especially about the safety of significant others and themselves; Mood changes, such as irritability and whining; Behavioural changes, such as decreased levels of concentration and attention, withdrawal, aggression and over-activity which can adversely affect school performance; Somatic complaints, such as headaches and stomach aches etc.; Increased talk and awareness regarding death and dying; Sensitivity or a startled response to various sounds and noises; Talking about the traumatic event repeatedly as well as recreating the event via play; Regression in younger children, such as ‘wanting to be a baby’ and not performing age appropriate tasks that they were completing before such as eating by themselves, sleeping in their own beds etc. Adverse impact on issues of trust, security and safety; Symptoms of depression, such as lack of interest in usual activities and changes in sleep or appetite and withdrawal; Anger, as well as hateful statements; and Avoidance of people, places, or situations that remind them of the traumatic event. Not all children will experience trauma in the exact same way as well as manifest all the above symptoms as not all circumstances are the same for every child. In addition, children have different personalities and temperaments which affects the way they experience a traumatic event (for example, an anxious child may react differently to a laid back child if they were to experience the same trauma). Moreover, trauma can be subjective in that what is traumatic for one child may not be perceived in the same way by another child, or indeed an adult). If you are concerned about your child with regard to a trauma consult with a child psychologist who will determine the best course of action, such as play therapy or parental guidance to help you assist your child.

March 27, 2015

Values, Discipline & Respectful Communication

Every child, just like every adult has a set of values, a hierarchy of things that are from most to least important to them. With children under 10, their highest value will usually have something to do with play, although this will differ from child to child. For example, one may like playing with dinosaurs and another with dolls and another may like playing ball games. Once they reach the 10-20 age range their values will normally shift to be around socialising, and again specific to each individual child. Every one of us, regardless of our age is inspired to do things linked to our highest values. These are the things that we don’t need to be motivated from outside to do – that we just do without being reminded, they are the things that we enjoy, that give us energy, that we do with enthusiasm. We also feel heard, understood and loved when someone else acknowledges our values, and we feel hurt, misunderstood and unloved when our values are challenged. Most of what parents call disciplining their children is trying to get the kids to live within their values, not understanding that a child has their own set of values that do not necessarily match those of the parent. Every person has a set of values that are fingerprint specific to them, so your child’s values, even if similar to yours, will never be exactly the same. Now, I’m not talking about values as in social idealisms, like honesty or trust or dependability. I’m talking about things that are genuinely important to you in your life as it currently stands. So, a mother may have her children as her highest priority, followed by her career and then socialising. The father may have finances, then spirituality and then knowledge as his priorities. And each child will have their own list of things that are important to them. If we understand and respect each other’s values, instead of trying to force our own onto the other members of the family, then we open up a new level of communication and respect where discipline can be completely redefined. We will never need to bribe or punish a child to do or not do something if they can see how doing or not doing it is helping them to fulfil their highest values. For example, my daughter has dinosaurs as her highest value. She is intrinsically inspired to learn about, read about and play with dinosaurs. So if I want her to come and bath (I have a higher value on cleanliness than she does) then instead of fighting with her and insisting that bathing is good for her because I say it is (imposing my values into her) I simply say, “Hey Kai, I heard a rumour that there are some glow in the dark dinosaurs getting up to no good in the tub, just waiting for you to come and play with them”. You can spend an hour of shouting and bribing and insisting that a child get in the bath when they don’t want to, or you can appeal to their values and have them actually enjoy doing what you want them to do. It is worth finding out what your children’s values are, as you will need to communicate differently with every child as every child is a unique individual with a unique set of values. Respect their values, link what’s important to you to what’s important to them and you have respectful communication rather than discipline.

March 19, 2015

Crying Through The Ages

Newborn The newborn baby is typically much calmer and cries less than you would expect. Many parents are surprised that their baby does not scream at birth but rather makes quieter sounds and has a period of relative calm. Your hormones released in the birth process and the natural birth process itself results in a calm alert baby on the day he is born. Even after the initial 24 hours, the new baby is only really likely to cry when hungry, which once the milk comes in can be as often as two hourly or may be spread out to closer to four hours. It is important in the early days to feed your newborn on cue as this will not only settle him but also encourages your milk supply. The other time newborns cry is when being changed and bathed. Both changing and bathing result in feeling the cold air and new touch sensations, which can be disconcerting for the new baby. If a newborn (0-2 week old) cries a lot, it is important to have him checked by a doctor or clinic sister as this is typically a period of relative calm, which we call the honeymoon period. Most babies do not cry extensively during the early days. 2 weeks -3 Months At around the two week mark, many babies become unsettled and begin to fuss more than during the honeymoon period. This is completely normal and in fact the ‘crying curve’ is well documented. This curve shows that babies begin to cry seemingly without reason at around 2 weeks old and by 12 weeks old this crying has almost entirely abated. This unexplained early baby crying peaks at about 6 weeks of age. Traditionally called colic, we now know that in fact this crying has nothing to do with the digestive system and remedies for tummy ailments make as much difference as sugar water. (St. James) Even if your baby tucks his legs up or kicks and screams for an extended period of time, you can rest assured that almost every crying baby of this age is healthy and normal. Colic is caused by over stimulation. Being alive in our busy sensory world can be overwhelming for many babies and this coupled with too little sleep will result in crying as your baby responds to the sensory input of the world and the little bubbles in his tummy with crying. The best ways to avert colic is to swaddle your baby and settle to him to sleep after only an hour of awake time. If your little one is very unsettled, do not worry about spoiling him at this age. Under four months of age babies do not have long term memory and so will not be ‘spoilt’ by being rocked or lulled to sleep. 4-6 Months The four to six month old is much less susceptible to overstimulation and therefore is more settled. But just as you think you are getting the hang of this parenting thing, you will find your baby become a little less predictable. Instead of remaining settled for a good three to four hours between feeds, many babies of this age begin to fuss and wake more frequently at night too. This relates to their new and growing nutritional needs. At this age you can choose to respond to the increased demand for nutrition with increasing the number and frequency or quantity of milk offered or you may choose to introduce solids. The latest research indicates the introduction of solids is safe and good for babies anytime between 4 and 6 months of age. Your 4-6 month old may still become crotchety if overtired or over stimulated. Watch your baby’s awake times (Baby Sense 2010) 6-12 Months The older baby is a bundle of fun and laughs and will not spend much time crying. There are a few reasons that typically raise their heads: Illness – many babies get their first colds and illnesses at this age and an irritable baby with a fever is not much fun. Separation anxiety – as your baby develops object permanence and realizes he is separate from you, he will become increasingly irritable whenever you are out of site. A transition object or security blanket will help him to feel a little more secure. Nappy change time – all 8 month olds resist having their nappy changed and become very irritable. This is typical and is no reason to be concerned. Simply put the back position for nappy changes is way to passive and our little one will get very irate when placed on his back. Teething – typically your baby’s first tooth will emerge during this stage and you may have a day or two of irritability. Toddlers Your toddler has an opinion and mind of his own and generally this will impact on his mood. There are three main reasons for crying and tantrums A toddler may throw an almighty tantrum if he is overtired – we tend to overestimate our toddler’s ability to stay awake and be stimulated. The reality is that toddlers need at least one day sleep and an early bedtime. In addition, toddlers can only socialize for a limited period before becoming over stimulated and crying or throwing a tantrum. If your toddler feels misunderstood, you will have a tantrum on your hands. Toddlers understand more than you would believe and can process cognitively what they want to say or do. The problem is that it will be some time before your toddler can express himself adequately. When he feels like you do not understand him a tantrum may ensue. Some toddlers throw tantrums and cry simply to get their way. Again this is normal and is part of developing independence and autonomy. Finally, it is vital to realize that all babies are different. Some settled little ones cry very little and take each stage in their stride, while a sensitive baby cries for almost no reason and is

March 12, 2015

The Oppositional Defiant Child

Child psychologists at Johannesburg’s Sandton Psychology Centre are often consulted by worried parents who are concerned about their child’s disruptive behaviour. Sometimes, what emerges is a pattern of non-compliant conduct which is stressful for the entire family. Not all unruly children fit the profile of the oppositional defiant child, and the symptoms must be viewed with caution. As is the case with many psychological disorders one has to rule out other aspects or syndromes is order to make a proper diagnosis. Once the correct diagnosis is made child psychologists will assist with psychotherapy (in the form of play therapy) and behaviour management. Other treatment for Oppositional Defiant Disorder may also include specialized parent training, family therapy, structured group therapy, and school- and home- based contingency management programs. The DSM-1V lists the essential features of Oppositional Defiant Disorder as a “recurrent pattern of negativistic, defiant, disobedient, and hostile behaviour toward authority figures” that persists for at least 6 months and is characterised by at least four of the following behaviours: Loses temper often and for no good reason Argumentative with adults Defies or point blank refuses to comply with what adults have requested Does things deliberately in order to annoy and irritate others Does not take responsibility and blames other’s for their own mistakes or wrongdoing Is easily irritated and annoyed by others – everybody bugs him/her Demonstrates anger and is filled with resentment Is often spiteful and vindictive The Oppositional Defiant Child is not a happy child. In addition to the aforementioned traits they also struggle with social interaction and are often depressed and exhibit low self-esteem. Furthermore, they tend to not do well at school academically as they have a short attention span and a general lack of motivation. These children also have frequent mood swings and low frustration tolerance.

March 9, 2015

Common Toddler Issues

Managing toddlers can be a huge effort at times, especially when the parent has to get something done or be somewhere. They have a mind of their own and it can drive parents crazy.Here are four classic toddler questions I get frequently and my suggestions on how to handle them. When a toddler refuses to put on her coat to go outside? Here are three options to consider in the moment that a power struggle flairs up: A.) Make putting on coats a fun activity because they love to have fun B.) Make the child “the boss” of making sure everyone’s coat is on and buttoned up. This will satisfy their need to be in charge C.) Give the child a choice. You could say to her “You can go out if you put your coat on, or we can stay inside instead.” If her response is to throw a fit about it, let the fit occur and ignore it. Finally, if it’s a situation in which the parent must go somewhere immediately, use A or B above and if they don’t work get a sitter to stay with the child or reschedule the appointment until you can get one. When a toddler tattles on another someone? My advice is to always listen quietly and get the child to focus on solutions to the problem that they can apply, if there are any. A parent must never scold or punish a child for tattling because they should always want their child to feel comfortable coming to them about any potential problem, real or perceived. Parents should also avoid rushing in to solve problems (unless your child’s safety and well being is at risk in that moment) or the child may not learn how to solve his own problems. The parent can go with the child to the situation and coach him in what to say or do to address the problem. For example, if your child is hit by another child and runs to tattle to you, you can ask the child to describe what happened and how it felt. Then coach him in knowing what to say to the other child, such as, “I won’t let anyone hit me, keep their hands to yourself!” When a toddler won’t get in her car seat. Toddlers don’t transition well, so the trick is in getting them to transition effectively. Assuming the child is not over tired or hungry, find a way to get her excited about getting in the car or getting her excited (from their perspective) about getting to the destination. Unfortunately, too many parents are usually stressed and rushed getting out of the house and the child can detect this. They then mirror it by refusing to cooperate. As I like to say, PEACEFUL PARENT, PEACEFUL CHILD. If the parent is successful at getting the child into the car, the child may begin kicking the seat. I suggest taking off her shoes and let them kick. Parents will also be more successful during these trying times if they speak less, manage their own anger, and avoid scolding or lecturing.

February 6, 2015

Toddler Troubles And Concerns

There are a variety of common toddler difficulties that child psychologists at Sandton Psychology Centre can assist with. Please be aware that some difficulties mentioned under these headings occur in all children and should only be an area of concern if these behaviours are excessive and “more than usual”: Unwarranted tantrums which seem to get out of hand and where the child takes longer than usual to settle down. The child may also hurt himself/herself by banging their head against a wall, biting themselves and so forth. Separation anxiety whereby toddlers have extreme anxiety about separating from a caregiver and don’t settle down well once separated. Excessively fearful or frightened whereby a toddler may seem to have a specific phobia, such as being terrified of something specific such as dogs. Aggressive behaviour or conduct that is uncontrollable, whereby a toddler fights excessively, and physically hurts others by scratching, hitting, pulling hair, throwing objects etc. Sleep difficulties. Excessive crying and seems unhappy most of the time or whines a great deal. Significant ‘battles’ with parents and behaviour that is oppositional. Elimination difficulties, whereby a child refuses to start going to the toilet, “holds everything in” etc. Eating difficulties, such as refusing to eat and needing caregivers to feed them. If you are concerned with your toddlers behaviour, please be sure to discuss it with your healthcare professional.

January 28, 2015

Emotional Intelligence In Childhood

In a nutshell, emotional intelligence is the ability to recognise, understand and control one’s thoughts and feelings. In addition, emotional intelligence refers to the ability to communicate feelings in an appropriate manner and to have the ability to empathise with the feelings of others, thereby interacting with others on an emotional level. When children and adolescents (and adults for that matter!) have high levels of emotional intelligence they will: Have a good self-concept as they will really know themselves; They will have a good understanding of their feelings, so they will be able to deal with for example, patterns of thinking which may not be constructive; Be more resilient to setbacks; Have a good ability to problem solve; and they will have the ability to be self-motivated, and thus find it easy to set goals for themselves, problem solve and deal with conflict effectively.

January 26, 2015

Childhood Overweight And Obesity

When it comes to the low down on healthy eating and weight loss, most of what we read in the media, and what is portrayed on television, is directed at adults with little attention focused on children. But what about our children and where do they stand in the battle against the bulge? Childhood obesity: The problem we are facing South Africa has been experiencing an increase in obesity over the past 2 decades, especially among children and adolescents and is reaching epidemic proportions. According to the International Obesity Taskforce one out of every 10 children is overweight. 13.5% of South African children (between ages 6-14 years) are overweight and/or obese. Scary about this statistic is that it is higher than the global prevalence of 10%. It is further estimated that 1 in 5 children is either overweight or obese. Research show that girls are more likely to be overweight or obese. Ironically in developing countries like South Africa, where underweight and poor growth have been the main health concerns in children, overweight and obesity are now becoming significantly prevalent as a consequence of a poor diet and energy dense foods combined with increased sedentary activity. Childhood obesity is a serious medical condition that affects children and adolescents. It occurs when a child is well above the normal weight for his/her age and height. Childhood obesity is particularly troubling because the extra kilo’s often start kids on the path to health problems that were once confined to adults, such as diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. What causes childhood obesity Although there are some genetic and hormonal causes of childhood obesity, most excess weight is caused by kids eating too much and exercising too little. Children, unlike adults, need extra nutrients and calories to fuel their growth and development. So if they consume the calories needed for daily activities, growth and metabolism, they add kilo’s in proportion to their growth. But children who eat more calories than needed, gain weight beyond what’s required to support their growing bodies. However the picture is much more complex when one takes a look at all the risk factors involved in the development of childhood obesity. Many factors, usually working in combination, increase your child’s risk of becoming overweight. These risk factors include: Genetic conditions: These rare genetic diseases and hormonal disorders predispose a child to obesity. They include conditions like Prader-Willi syndrome, Bardet-Biedl-syndrome, Cohen syndrome and affect a very small proportion of children. Diet: Regular consumption of high-calorie foods e.g. foods high in sugar and fat, together with low fruit and vegetable consumption. Inactivity: Sedentary kids are more likely to gain weight because they don’t burn calories through physical activity. Inactive leisure activities, such as watching television or playing video games, contribute to the problem. Family factors: It is well known that obesity ‘runs in families’. If a child comes from an overweight family he/she may be genetically predisposed to put on excess weight, especially in an environment where high-calorie food is always available and physical activity isn’t encouraged. For children under the age of 10, if one parent is obese, it doubles the chances of the child developing adult obesity. If both parents are obese, there is an 80% chance that the child will be obese. Psychological factors: Some children over eat to cope with problems or to deal with emotions. How to tell if my child is overweight or obese? Do you know when to be concerned about your child’s weight? Of course, all children gain weight as they grow older. But extra kilo’s – more than what’s needed to support their growth and development – can lead to childhood obesity. Not all children carrying extra weight are overweight or obese. Some children have larger than average body frames. Children normally carry different amounts of body fat at the various stages of development. So you might not know just by looking at your child if his/her weight is a health concern. One of the tools that we use to determine if your child is obese/overweight is the Body Mass Index (BMI) chart. By calculating your child’s BMI you will be able to determine where they fall on the BMI-for-age chart. Using the chart, your child’s BMI is compared to that of other children of the same sex and age. Cut-off points on these growth charts, help identify overweight and obese children. You can calculate your child’s Body Mass Index (BMI) for their age and gender by the following equation: Current weight (kg) ÷ (Height x Height) = BMI. E.g. 30kg ÷ (1.35 × 1.35) = 16.5 kg/m. Then plot the number you have obtained against your child’s age on the chart below. This will serve as an indication of their nutritional status i.e. if they are overweight or obese and is it important that a paediatric dietitian evaluate your child. Your dietitian can give you advice on your child’s specific dietary needs and help you to make sure that they are receiving a nutritionally adequate diet and one that is right for them, while losing weight. International cut-off points for body mass index for overweight and obesity by sex between 2 and 18 years (adapted from Cole et al., 2000) e (years) Overweight (kg/m) Obese (kg/m) Boys Girls Boys Girls 2 18.41 18.02 20.90 19.81 3 17.89 17.56 19.57 19.36 4 17.55 17.28 19.27 19.15 5 14.42 17.15 19.30 19.17 6 17.55 17.34 19.78 19.65 7 17.92 17.75 20.63 20.51 8 18.44 18.35 21.60 21.57 9 19.10 19.07 22.77 22.81 10 19.84 19.86 24 24.11 11 20.55 20.74 25.10 25.42 12 21.22 21.68 26.02 26.67 13 21.91 22.58 26.84 26.76 14 22.62 23.34 27.63 28.57 15 23.29 23.94 28.30 29.11 16 23.90 24.37 28.88 29.43 17 24.46 24.70 29.41 29.69 18 25 25 30 30 Middle circumference is another important tool that is used to determine your childs’ risk of developing disease e.g. diabetes or heart disease. If you are worried that your child is putting on too much

January 5, 2015

The Curse Of The Short Nap

I honestly do not know why we always tell moms: “Sleep when your baby sleeps”. I remember when my son was little; when he eventually fell asleep, that gave me enough time to race to the toilet, and hurriedly gulp down a cup of tea! I would mission off to my bedroom to “sleep because my baby is sleeping”, but it would take me ages to fall asleep, and then, when I finally managed to drift into a sweet slumber… he would wake up. All of this turmoil in only 45 minutes, only to start the cycle again!?!?! Sound familiar? Why is the 45 minute cycle the hallmark of a newborn’s sleep? 45 minutes is the sleep cycle for a newborn. Adults typically have a longer sleep cycle, stretching for approximately 90 minutes. At the end of each sleep cycle, a baby is in a very light sleep state and may even momentarily wake up before entering into a new cycle. This light sleep is where most of the problems arise. Interestingly enough, babies spend more time in REM sleep than adults – read more about it here. But what can we do to help our children sleep for longer? In order to encourage a longer nap you need to first ask yourself a very important question: Did my baby fall asleep in the same place she ended up? Most of the time the answer to this question is “no”. She fell asleep in my arms, and then I moved her to the crib. The tricky thing about this is that people don’t usually like to wake up somewhere different from the place they fell asleep. On some level our bodies know or sense the difference, therefore we wake up with a start, and this is often why babies cry! Here are a few tips for helping your child sleep longer: Make sure your baby is in the same place when she falls asleep as she is when she wakes up. This will help prevent her startle reflex, and ease the transition from one sleep cycle to the next. Let your baby is do most of the work of getting to sleep in the first place on her own. If you always feed her to sleep, then again, you can see why she may not like it when she gets to the end of the sleep cycle and there is no bottle or breast nearby. This will also cause a baby to wake up startled and then start crying. Play around with your baby’s awake time. Every baby has a window of opportunity for successful sleep. This means it’s a time when your child is already tired enough to be put down, but not overtired. Don’t forget that it is possible to put a baby down too early, which will mean that they won’t take a proper nap. If you have taken steps to encourage your baby to sleep soothe, and she is falling asleep in her crib, then congratulations because most of the battle has already been won. The good news is that with time and practice, he will have a much easier time getting from one sleep cycle to the next, and should start to sleep longer and longer for each nap over the course of two to three weeks.

October 27, 2014

ADHD and Diet – is there a link and what should parents of a child with ADHD consider?

What is ADHD? Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a syndrome diagnosed in many children. The exact percentage of children with ADHD is not known but figures are estimated at about 3-5% of school age children¸ with the incidence being slightly higher in boys. The main symptoms of ADHD are reduced attentiveness and concentration, excessive levels of activity, distractibility and impulsiveness. Some children may be affected by other behavioural problems. Sometimes children outgrow the symptoms or learn to control them; in some cases symptoms may persist into adulthood. ADHD can have a significant effect on families particularly when a child’s ability to learn is compromised. This can have a knock on effect on the child’s self-esteem and put stress on the rest of the family particularly when the child has difficulty focussing on essential activities or controlling impulsive behaviour. Is there a link with diet? For some time there has been much controversy regarding whether or not diet can trigger symptoms of ADHD. It was first suggested by Feingold in the mid-1970s that there was a possibility that food additives and natural food constituents could affect children’s behaviour, particularly those with ADHD. Scientists began to look into the theory with further research being conducted. Unfortunately many of the studies are small or flawed, and thus there is little consensus about how such additives might contribute to ADHD symptoms. Artificial additives… Recently the link between diet and additives has been explored in a study in Britain. The results of this study led the UK’s Food Standards Agency to urge food manufacturers to remove six artificial colouring agents from food marketed to children in Britain. They looked at the effects of the preservative sodium benzoate (E211) and six artificial food colourings on hyperactivity in 153 preschoolers (3 years old) and 144 students (8 or 9 years old). For six weeks, the children consumed foods and drinks free of sodium benzoate and the six colouring agents. At certain intervals, the children consumed plain juice or juice containing one of two additive mixes every day for a week. Mix A contained the preservative plus the colourings sunset yellow (E110), carmoisine (E122), tartrazine (E102), and ponceau 4R (E124); mix B contained the preservative plus sunset yellow(e110), carmoisine (E122), quinoline yellow (E104), and allura red AC (E129). The investigators found a mild but significant increase in hyperactivity in both age groups of children, regardless of baseline hyperactivity levels during the weeks when they consumed drinks containing artificial colours. Sugar… With the belief by some parents and health professionals that refined sugars trigger hyper-activity, the evidence for this has also been reviewed; however assessing the effect of “sugars” on behaviour can be tricky as there are several different types of sugar added to foods, for example: sucrose, glucose and fructose. Unfortunately there are only a few reliable studies that have been conducted. The studies show that sugars may affect a small number of children. We do know that these days in some cases children are having well over double the recommended daily added sugar intake and so to avoid excess empty calories if for no other reason, families should be aiming for a reduced added sugar intake. Omega-3’s… Because fatty acids perform a number of functions in the brain, including helping brain cells to communicate, researchers have explored whether a deficiency of omega-3 fats might contribute to symptoms of ADHD. There are some studies which do show an improvement, none have definitively resolved the question of whether omega-3 or omega-6 supplements might help children with ADHD. Further studies are being conducted to explore this. Where does this leave the parent of a child with ADHD? Getting to the bottom of whether you child’s behaviour is affected by diet, can be tricky but not impossible. One of the most important principles to remember is to choose a balanced diet with the correct proportion of macronutrients and micronutrients from meats, wholegrain starches, dairy, fresh fruit & vegetables and the good oils like olive and canola. This will ensure that your child’s diet is providing an optimal source of all the important nutrients and prevent any deficiencies which might exacerbate symptoms of ADHD. Choose wholegrain cereals as the basis for meals. These will provide slow release energy and prevent any peaks and troughs in sugar levels which can also affect moods and behaviour. Whole-grains are also rich in b-complex vitamin and minerals Choose wholegrain and rye breads, cereals, pastas and rice instead of sugary cereals and refined breads Have meat or meat alternatives twice per day, a portion roughly size of your child’s palm Try to serve oily fish twice a week to optimise intake of omega-3’s Try homemade salmon fish cakes or a sardine pate Opt for fresh fruits fruit, milk or yoghurt and nuts as snacks between meals These provide slow release energy and are a great source of good fats and minerals Try fruit kebabs or a homemade fruit smoothie Avoid excess sugar Excess refined carbs in the form of excess sugar leads to excess energy which will need to be expended or stored somewhere!!! Avoid carbonated beverages, fruit juices, cordials, sweets, chocolates, cakes and biscuits – have as a treats on special occasions or a day of the week rather than every day Consider an exclusion diet if necessary Preferably do with dietetic and/or medical supervision Look at avoiding additives particularly in the form of artificial E-numbers (E102, 104, 110, 122, 124, E129) & sodium benzoate (E211) as well as other more specific foods like chocolate if necessary. In certain cases an appropriate option might be a few foods diet with gradual re-introduction of foods to determine if any are causing symptoms. REFERENCES: McCann et al (2007) The Lancet DOI:10.1016/S0140-6736(07)61306-3 : Food additives and hyperactive behaviour in 3-year-old and 8/9-year-old children in the community: a randomised, double-blinded, placebo-controlled trial Diet & ADHD Behaviour CSPI Review (1999)

October 13, 2014

Interesting Information About Your Infant

I was recently in the United States for 10 days to attend a Sleep Sense Conference. The content was phenomenal and REALLY has rekindled my passion for providing children and parents in South Africa the gift of a Good Night’s Sleep. However, I think what struck me even more than the content was how much I missed my beautiful dirty-handed, Barney-watching, bambino of 20 months. They certainly do possess such a huge part of our hearts, and I was just overcome with the sense of responsibility that a child is in our lives and how much of who we are, is centered on them. I always tell my clients that there is NOTHING I take more seriously than the responsibility of working with your child. I thought I would share some interesting facts I learned during the conference that you might never have heard of: The first three days of a baby’s life determines breastmilk supply going forward It is vital for your new-born baby to be breastfed as much as possible in the first three days, as new studies have proven that this will ensure a constant milk production in the future. It is suggested that parents leave the pacifier or dummy in the drawer for the first few days and try to enjoy the bond with their newborn. Paediatric Chiropracting can solve ear aches, constipation and even stuttering One of the world’s leading pediatric chiropractors shared amazing testimonies of what chiropractic treatments can achieve for you and your family. Zink might be the reason for your child’s picky eating It has been proven that sufficient amounts of zinc can actually improve and change our taste buds. A leading cause for children being picky eaters is insufficient amounts of zinc. Autistic children rule households An informative session with an Autism specialist explained the importance of being aware of the signs of autism. The earlier it is detected, the more effectively it can be treated with behaviour therapy. Autism also does not need to be the reason for your child to not sleep well. Boys sometimes need more help with sleep Boys’ and girls’ brains develop completely differently and for the sake of brevity, in simple terms girl’s brains develop front-to-back, and boys’ from back-to-front. When the structure of the brain is analysed, suddenly you can understand why boys often need a little more help to be taught how to sleep well.

October 7, 2014

Potty Training Essentials

Is our big boy or girl ready? This challenging question is raised by parents around the world and what parent doesn’t want to get their child out of nappies! On average children start potty training between the ages of 2 to 3 years. Once you have gone through our signs of readiness there really is only one way to find out – give it your best go. Signs your toddler is ready: Starting potty training earlier doesn’t necessarily mean finishing early; so be patient. In their first year babies don’t have bladder muscle and nerve control. This is something that develops at differing ages from child to child. Here is a checklist of signs they are ready: Shows general interest and independent thought Is co -ordinated (running, walking, balance) Follows simple instructions Developing a regular toileting routine Has dry periods of 2 hour intervals Can pull pants up and down Dislikes the sensation of being wet or soiled Grunting or squatting during bowel movement Shows an interest in the toilet Dancing or hopping about when bladder is full or during bowel movement Preparation for Potty Training: Equipment: sturdy potty or an inner seat to fit over your toilet, block to stand on to reach the toilet, bright and fun cloth potty training pants (such as Mother Nature Potty training pants) which have an absorbent saddle, bed mattress protector (such as Mother Nature’s breathable version), rewards chart . Introduce them to the toilet or potty. Let them learn by imitation by watching you spend a penny. Give them a plausible explanation as to why they must use the toilet and explain the reward system if using this system. Don’t be too pushy or angry as this will only aggravate their fear or stubbornness. Inform the playschool or carers that potty training has begun. Start off with day training by sitting them on the toilet for a few minutes at a time and then progress to night time. Tried and tested tips by our really wise parents: We asked our panel of parents what worked for them and this is what they came up with: Remember the three P’s: patience, positivity, praise Call your child the “king or queen” of their “throne” Familiarity is king: introducing them early to the toilet, regular hourly visits to the bathroom, learning from their parents Let your child lead you: they will let you know when they are ready Sing songs, read stories and make “ssswwiss” sounds while they are seated Reward ideas: small chocolates, biscuits, favourite food, play outside, stickers, allowed to flush, get to wash hand afterwards, get to draw on the toilet with a washable koki, dye the toilet water with food colouring Clap hands and cheer when they get it right Create a happy toilet story: An example is that the “yuk-yuk” goes to the sea to feed the fish when it is flushed and then say good bye Use cloth nappies as opposed to disposables and get your child trained earlier Make it seem like a fun and exciting game Easy clothing: dress girls in dresses for easy action or remove bottom clothing in the beginning phases Boy tip: put 5 Cherios in the bottom of the potty and get them to aim ‘n shoot Remove smelly odours caused by accidents by covering the spot with salt then vacuuming it up ½ hour later Remember it’s not mission impossible so hang in there folks! Messy Potty Tip: Use Mother Nature’s biodegradable & flushable liners to line the bottom of the potty. After use, flush them down the toilet! No need to deal with a messy, dirty potty! Night Time Advice: Lay-off liquids at least 1 hour before bedtime Take them to the toilet before their bedtime as well as your bedtime. Perhaps set alarm for midnight to take them again. And ensure they go to the toilet as soon as they wake up When Things Go Wrong: Potty training is not always a smooth sailing process as some children can be extremely resistant to the potty training process. Children who are refusing to potty train may be experiencing confusion about what’s expected of them, as well as emotional fears, painful physical sensations, or just general rebellion. Causes may include: Wilfulness to control the situation by refusing to co-operate Fear of the toilet or negative potty training experience Medical reasons – speak to a paediatrician Psychological reasons: life crisis, negative comments or teasing by family members which in turn leads to lack of confidence & shame Problems more common in boys Immaturity of the nervous system in recognising the sensation of being wet during sleep or the sensation of a full bladder Other medical causes of enuresis are: sleep apnoea (snoring), pinworm infection, diabetes, family history. May need to be referred to a urologist for evaluation We hope these tips are useful in successfully navigating your child out of nappies; on their path towards an independent and happy, wholesome life!

September 16, 2014

The Words We Use

Once a word leaves your mouth, you cannot chase it back even with the swiftest horse. –Chinese Proverb Teachers and parents play a very important role when it comes to protecting our children from being shamed. The words we speak and the attitude and response to a child’s behaviour can be damaging or encouraging. Think of comments you remember from childhood. What emotion does it bring up in you? Here are some examples of statements that can be emotionally damaging when used regularly: You always. You never. What were you thinking? Why can’t you be like your brother? What did you do THAT for? You idiot! You’ll never amount to anything. You are an accident waiting to happen. Typical you! You irritate me. You make me mad. You’re so slow/sloppy/clumsy/irresponsible. You’re naughty/impossible. You embarrass me. Your brother is the apple of my eye/the best at … You are such a nerd. You can’t ever do anything right. You have no dress sense. If you experienced these derogatory words as a child, it is very easy to fall into the trap of repeating the cycle with your own children. Please do not hesitate to ask for help. A cycle can be broken! It takes so many positive words to cancel out the negative effects of the above kind of remarks. Positive statements are far more effective. They can build a child’s self-confidence and independence and contribute towards a positive relationship with you. Find opportunities where you can say things like: I am so proud of you for trying. You did such a good job. You are amazing/considerate/helpful. I love the way you help your sister. That was kind to… That was thoughtful. Are you really already old enough to …!? That must have taken a lot of effort. You’re such a good friend. That was quite a sacrifice. I can’t believe you remembered to … That was very brave/courageous of you to … Thank you for being so understanding. I know that was hard for you. The emphasis needs always to be on ‘I love you, but I don’t accept what you have done’ or ‘I love you but I cannot accept your behaviour’. Do not be tempted to say things in the heat of an argument. If you need to, remove yourself from the situation and resume the conversation later. Or, tell your child that you will think about a punishment and post it on the refrigerator later. Your word needs to be your word. That way, they learn to trust you so that when you say, ‘I love you’, The will know you really mean it. This is why I encourage a time-out from a young age because time-out is even a good practice for adults; removing themselves from a situation to calm down and gain a different perspective of the situation or to think about an appropriate response. Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. – Viktor E Frankl ‘It’s mine!’ Without giving it much thought, parents automatically say things like, ‘Don’t touch that, it’s mine.’ How many times does a child hear that from the time that they are crawling babies? then, when The are toddlers and a friend comes to play, parents are shocked to hear them snatch a toy away and say, ‘No, it’s mine.’ We need to emphasize the fact that, yes, it belongs to Mommy, Daddy, or a friend, but that is not the reason not to touch. The reason should rather be: It’s hot. It’s not your turn. It could break. I do not want you playing with it. And the like. When children are fighting over toys, I have often heard a parent say, ‘Well, after all it is his toy.’ That is not the point. Having possession of any item does not give you the option of being selfish, but simply affords you the right to share it at an appropriate time, with a good attitude. Johnny, Johnny, Johnny! It often happens in a home visit that while I am talking to the parents, the child will be doing something they shouldn’t. The parents then start randomly saying the child’s name over and over. The parent knows what they are implying, but generally the child does not. Theyhave learnt to ignore their name because there is not an instruction that follows nor a consequence to their lack of response. Rather say, ‘Johnny, look at me’ or ‘Johnny, stop running’ or what- ever the instruction is, but not just ‘Johnny’ randomly in different tones. This eventually just goes right over their heads. Make every word count The same applies when your child calls you. Do not ignore his ‘Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!’ Parents often learn to block out noise to be able to cope. However, tune in when your child is calling you, and respond immediately, either by answering or by showing the hand signal.

September 11, 2014

How to Stop Your Child’s Whining

Few things are more irritating to a parent’s ears than the sound of whining. It’s not just the tone of the voice but the repetition that is torture to us. Most kids whine at some time or another but you can break the whining habit and reinforce positive behaviour pattern in your kids. Why do they do it? Whining generally starts when children are toddlers and it is often a natural response to the overwhelming feeling of being out of control. Your child might have had a particularly busy day or feeling tired or hungry. They also don’t have the vocabulary to fully express themselves and their frustrations so they resort to whining. Children also tend to build up emotions and let them out in different ways. Unfortunately whining is one of them. Your child may not even realise that they are whining. Call their attention to the behaviour by demonstrating what they sound like. You can record their voice and play it back to them or you can mimic them and let them hear how it sounds. Diet and behaviour are often connected and sugar can definitely affect your child. Sweets, soft drink and other packaged foods are sometimes packed with sugar and you can exceed your child’s tolerance for it. Once the sugar high is gone, the low then comes. And with the low comes whining. Pay attention to your child’s eating habits, and make connections to their behaviour. Perhaps some simple changes will make all the difference. Plus, whining is generally effective and often works so they continue with the behaviour. Stop the whining Spend time listening to your children and getting to the bottom of what they really want. Is it your time and attention? Spend some focused time together reading or cooking, or doing something else the child enjoys. Connecting in this way can make a huge difference for your family. Ask your child to repeat their message without whining. Tell them you can’t understand when they whine and to speak in a normal voice. Ignore them until they comply. Try and remain patient and don’t get angry as this can often make things worse. To reinforce proper behaviour, tell the children when they’ve done a great job and that you are glad they are using their words properly. It makes them want to continue the good behaviour. You could try and call the whining something else, like the “moaning minny”. So when your child whines you can say “oh no, it sounds like moaning minny is back, let’s try and get rid of her”, this might also lead to a laugh or giggle which is also a good distraction. Talk to your kids. Explain how whining makes you feel and discuss acceptable ways that they can express themselves the next time they feel like whining. Keep it friendly and don’t bring up problems from the past. Talk about solutions for the future. Try and be consistent in your message that you pass on and let them understand that whining is unacceptable behaviour in your family and will never get them what they want. The more you give in to the whining, the more your child will use it against you. Respect works both ways. Listen and speak to your child respectfully and then ask them to treat you the same. Whining also becomes much less frequent as children get older so remember that “this too shall pass”.

September 3, 2014

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