Tween & Teen - Parenting Hub

Advice from the experts

Creating a Safe Place to Talk

Over the years as I have worked with teens and parents one mistake I have seen parents make often is in thinking their teen needs less supervision and more trust. The teen years are a time of discovery children are exploring the world of adulthood. While trust is very important and we all want to trust we have good kids. Supervision is also an important aspect of this age. This is a time for you to pay close attention to the social and emotional aspects of your teen’s life. Ask questions, pay attention to their interactions when they are with their friends. Too often we think everything is fine. I suggest taking time to force your tween teen to cook dinner with you once a week. I have found while chopping veggies, measuring ingredients, kids will start talking. Take the time to listen to what they are saying; do not react just listen and hear what they are saying. As parents we want to rush in and fix things. However, this is the time to let kids figure it out for themselves when possible. If they ask for your advice of course give it to them, but reiterate the choice they make is theirs. As parents of children who will shortly be making all of their own decisions in life we have to offer support, encouragement and a listening ear. Though we would love to continue to make all the decisions for them we ill handicap them in the long run by doing so. We ofttimes over emphasise when a teen makes a mistake. Stop for a second and think about the last time someone magnified your mistake to you or others? What was your reaction and how did that over magnification make you feel? Do you really want to make your child to feel that way? People make mistakes it is a part of life. The key as a parent is not tom make those mistakes bigger than they have to be. Making a mountain out of a molehill will only teach your teen you are not a safe place in times of trouble . which is the last thing you want. Help your teen go step by step in the process to examine where the mistake occurred help them to see where they went wrong. Then help them and support them as they correct the mistake. Making amends as needed and paying any reparations necessary. Try This: This exercise is something I would like you to practice during the whole challenge. It is both simple and complicated. Here it is: When your child comes to you to talk about something. Either stop right then turn to them, look them in the eye and give them your full attention and focus on what they are saying to you. Or if you are in the middle of something give them a time to come back when they can have your full attention. Be sure if you do the second option you give them a specific time. For instance, “I want to hear what you have to say, but I have to finish this right now and I need 30 minutes to finish this. Come back so I can give you my complete undivided attention. Then when they do come back even if you are not finished take the time to give them just that. Then later write in your journal about the experience. I will tell you now the goal of this exercise is to get you into the habit of tuning into your child on a purposeful and conscious level. The number one complaint of teens is that their parents do not listen. This exercise will ensure you do listen to them when they come to you, every time.

October 23, 2017

Brain Development in Teens

When we look at the average 13-15 year old today it is often hard to remember they are not as old as they look. When I was 13, I looked like a grow woman if you looked at me from the neck down. I have always been admired by older men. However, just because teens look so mature their brains are far from it. Looking back I can see how I thought I was so mature, but I was always getting in trouble for spouting off at the mouth. I wish my Mom had known about brain development I may have not been grounded near as much. She might have cut me some slack had she known, I was not yet capable of thinking about what I was thinking. It turns out the teen brain is vastly different from the adult brain. In fact we do not even think from the same part of the brain as a teen. Adults think primarily from the part of the brain called the frontal cortex. Teens ten to use more of the central area of the brain called the pre-frontal cortex. This is the part of the brain which is reckless, laid back, and full of angst. Describe anyone you know. The teen brain is also different in that it has literally thousands of connections called neuro-connectors. As a matter of fact it is these connectors which prevent the teen brain from being able to use the frontal lobe. As we spoke about last week the pituitary plays a large part in physical development. Part of what this gland does is to cue the brain to start changing a child’s brain into a more mature brain. Thus, the brain begins to develop these neuro-connectors in order to begin the restructuring process. So, much of what is going on in puberty. It turns out the process is a lot more complicated than most of us thought. This week your exercise is to read two articles about the brain development of teens. This article from the Wall Street Journal breaks things down by age. Remember every child is different. Depending on the skills they acquired in childhood some things may be different with your child. However, children will at one point or another hit all the staged described. This article in Science News for Students this article is an easier read. I suggest you read it with your teen and discuss the article. Knowledge is power. Reading and having this discussion will not only give you something to share. It will give you both greater knowledge in what is going on beneath the surface.

October 19, 2017

Turn Prelim Panic into Finals Advantage

Writing Matric prelim exams and receiving your results can be a distressing eye-opener, but learners who perform worse than they would have hoped still have time to use the experience to their advantage before the final exams, an education expert says. “Time is fast running out, and some learners may feel things went so badly with their prelims that they might as well throw in the study towel. However prelims are there for a reason – to serve as a test run for the finals, and to guide learners in their last week of studies. If that is kept in mind, and learners actively take control over their preparation in coming weeks, dire prelims don’t have to be the forerunner to disastrous final marks,” says Dr Gillian Mooney, Dean: Academic Development and Support at The Independent Institute of Education, SA’s largest private higher education provider. Mooney says learners should also keep in mind that prelims are often pitched at a slightly more difficult level on purpose, to serve as a wakeup call, and that the most important steps to take right now are firstly to avoid panic, and secondly to take back power by putting in place a winning strategy for the weeks to come. She says the following steps can turn a poor performance into a good one, and a mediocre one into a great one: REVIEW YOUR FINALS STUDY ROSTER Your prelims will have given you a good indication of how much time you require to master your various subjects, which in turn will help you with drawing up an accurate and effective study roster. See where you can save or create time, and where you can put in an extra hour or two every day. Every little bit helps, and the time you took to do a mock paper could mean the difference between being accepted into your course or institution of choice next year or not. Very importantly, stick to your roster and don’t fall victim to procrastination and constant re-arranging of said roster. Right now, you DO still have enough time to get through and master all your work. At the end of the month, that picture would have changed quite substantially. FIND ALTERNATIVE STUDY METHODS AND GET EXCITED ABOUT YOUR SUBJECT If you’ve left room for a movie on a Friday night, why not make that movie one which covers your setwork? You’ll be approaching the subject from a different angle (and use even your downtime efficiently), which deepens your understanding of it. For other subjects, you can find TED talks about topics you find particularly challenging, for instance. These will not only help you to better understand something, but are quite likely to also increase your enthusiasm and inject some much-needed inspiration into the study process. GET A TUTOR It is not too late to get someone to help you master your most frustrating subjects. There might be a retired teacher or recent graduate in your community who can help, or you can enquire at your school whether such assistance is available. Getting the insight and assistance of someone who is not your regular subject teacher can provide fresh perspective and approaches you may not have been aware of before. ROPE IN RESOURCES FROM YOUR FUTURE HIGHER EDUCATION INSTITUTION Whether you are going to study at a public university or a private higher education institution, any good institution will be able to provide guidance and resources to their future students. Student counsellors will be able to provide insights into how current performance matches future options, and what is required in terms of intervention to ensure you can access your choice of qualification. Additionally, good institutions will be able to provide you with practical resources, such as papers from previous years. “The importance of prelims should not be underestimated, because they may very well influence your options down the line. For instance, a higher education institution may decide to withdraw a conditional offer if you did not perform well,” says Mooney. “However, using the learning from your prelims if things didn’t go to plan is one of the major reasons these exams exist in the first place. So if you resolve right now to take stock and take action, and throw yourself into preparing for your finals, there is a very good chance that you can turn things around and put in a final performance that will render unfortunate prelim results almost inconsequential.”

October 11, 2017

Parenting a Pregnant Teen Mom

This past Saturday after services at Congregation Beth Hallel where I attend services, I stood in the lobby talking to a friend who is a nurse at Kennestone Mother and Child center. She told me of several girls age 12 having babies. We both sensed the anointing of the Holy Spirit and knew there was some sort of calling on me to help these young girls. However, it has also occurred to me there may not be much support for the mothers of teen mothers. So, I am writing this blog piece for you. The first thing I need to say is this it is okay to be both disappointed and angry. However, pouring condemnation and shave down o your daughter’s head will only cause her and the baby stress. This is not the best think for her or for you. Get out of the house alone with someone you trust and let out your anger and frustration with another adult who can handle your fit. Try your best to be supportive with your daughter. Secondly, this is not your fault and it is not your daughters fault. Whether she is pregnant by a boy her own age or by a sexual predator there is very little either you or her could do to stop it unless, it is not to have sex in the first place. We all encourage out teens to not have sex before they are married or at least adults in a committed relationship. We have to recognize our culture is based on human sexuality. We also need to understand this is the agenda of planned parenthood and they work tirelessly to ensure they have a ready group of families who need their services. Not too many others will tell you this but the truth is the truth. There is a reason they supply school nurses with millions of condoms and it is not to protect kids from sexually transmitted diseases. It is difficult to curb curiosity in kids who see sexuality all over our culture. What I encourage you to do is to lay aside blame and instead take time to remember the fears, uncertainty, and overwhelming feelings of becoming a mom and recognize your teen is feeling all of those same things now. Though you may not have been a teen at the time or maybe you were. You know all of these feelings. What do you wish you knew at the time. Looking back what would you tell yourself now if you could? Tell your daughter instead. Right now what she needs most is to know you are on her side. Sit down and have an open and honest conversation with her. Let her know calmly if you are angry and disappointed. But, also that you love her and support her. Talk to her about her desires for her life and her baby. Do research together and learn more about all of the options. Today’s world if full of open adoptions where teen moms have full rights to know and openly communicate with adoptive families. They even visit and know their children. I think this is a very positive option for the teen Mom and the family who often can not have children. If the father is in the picture support them both as best you can. Again, blame is not appropriate with the boy either especially if they are the same age. Society plagues on boys to be “men” by expressing their sexuality. It is a very strong young man who can resist the lure. Most young men who succeed have Dads who have taught them what it means to be men. If they have an absent or distracted father they are on their own and may not have the backbone they need to resist this temptation. Include him and his family in the research and decision-making. If they are choosing to be involved then try and make it as easy as possible for all involved. You accomplish litter with anger and spite. While celebrating is not wholly in order being a pregnant teen is stressful enough. Try to project some joy into her life. Others may see this as rewarding her for bad behavior and I get that. But, once you have discussed the mistakes she has made and talked about the choices she made and has to make;it is time to rebuild the relationship you and she have. This is so much more important now. As she goes through her pregnancy she is going to receive a lot of mean and negative rhetoric from peers, adults, and others. She needs you to be her soft place to fall. Be the place she can turn to, to let out her frustrations, cry about how unfair the wold is and just be sad sometimes. This is an extreme time, gather all of your supportive family and friends around her and just love her through it! There is more to come. I just wanted to give you some food for thought. Believe in Parenting

October 3, 2017

Why kids prefer camp over school

Camp and school are very similar in that both are learning environments for children. However, the differences between the academic and experiential learning context explains why many children not only prefer camp, but also why they gain more personal growth in the camp environment. Here are 8 differences between camp & school: 1. Experiential learning method Learning is practiced on a daily basis at both camp and school. While school is more about textbook learning and studying for exams, camp promotes learning via experiential education. At camp, children get to physically participate in an activity and attain a skill from it. This method of learning seems to be what many children prefer. 2. Informal atmosphere School provides a formal environment, which children may find intimidating and conformist. Camp, on the other hand, is a very casual environment which allows kids to learn while still having fun and without too much restriction. The quote, “What we learn in fun, we never forget” is all too true for the camp environment. 3. Supervisors are role models Learners at school are supervised by their teachers with whom they often cannot develop a friendship, nor are they offered any opportunities to do so. At camp, kids are cared for by young adults called camp counselors. These counselors are specifically trained in child psychology, and as young adults with a passion for children they easily become role models and friends to the children in their care. 4. Diverse friendships Some schools restrict their learners from making friends beyond their age group, and the class barriers often prevent kids from different grades and schools from mixing with one another. Whereas, holiday camps accommodate children from around the world of all ages, of all cultures and races. This exposure to diversity is healthy for children, and it allows kids to make friendships freely and to expand their worldview – all with appropriate supervision. 5. Bullying prevention Schools have become the prime ground where bullies are born and begin terrorizing other children. The reason for this is probably because teachers are expected to spend more time teaching and performing administrative duties, rather than paying careful attention to their learners and their individual needs. At camp, the counselors supervise the children around the clock which allows them to deal with bullying as it happens and it also allows them to spend quality time with each child to attend to their personal needs. Additionally, many camps have a higher staff to child ratio than schools, which helps to create a bully-free environment. 6. Fostering Independence Learners at school are controlled by their school rules which promote discipline and order, and understandably so. However, kids also love the freedom to choose, of which there is little opportunity at school. Camp, on the other hand promotes independence and balances this with discipline. Children may choose the clothes they wear, the activities they want to participate in, the friendships they make and the food they eat. 7. Physical activity is promoted Learners spend most of their school day behind a desk rather than outdoors, which many children find frustrating and uninspiring. At camp, kids are always on the go, out and about, having fun and being active without the distraction of technology. Not to mention that the increased exercise they receive at camp benefits their ability to learn, concentrate and the quality of their sleep. 8. Less anxiety and more stress management Mention exams and assessments and watch how quickly children develop anxiety. The schooling environment can put a lot of pressure on kids, whether it is peer pressure to do well, or the usual exam stress. Camp is a more anxiety-free environment, and when children to do express their anxiety, they are encouraged to communicate with a counselor and also taught coping mechanisms to help them handle their stress. Obviously, school cannot be avoided, but the camp environment is a child’s sanctuary when school closes for the holidays. Together, both school and camp experiences provide many opportunities for a child’s academic and personal growth. Therefore, camp is well worth considering for your child to receive the benefits of both experiential and academic education.

October 2, 2017

Why I believe in camp, and you should too

Having turned the dream of creating a ‘children’s paradise’ into a successfully running business, Sugar Bay’s Founding Director, Zoë Ellender, shares why the benefits of American summer camps inspired her to start her very own camp in South Africa. “As a child, I was given a lot of opportunities to go on holiday which didn’t require spending a lot of money. We would go to our grandparents on a little farm in the Free State, in Clocolan, which is along the Lesotho border. I would be surrounded by my older cousins who were great role models and we would be busy from sunrise to sunset; climbing mountains, building forts, jumping off cliffs and just going on escapades. When I began soul searching after realizing I was unhappy in my legal career, I cast my thoughts back to these moments in my life when I was happiest. I began recapturing my youth and parts of these holiday experiences. This is how my love for camp began, in a healthy environment, without any distractions, just full of fun,” Ellender shared. Ellender was inspired by the concept of a children’s summer camp after reading the American Camping Association (ACA) logo, “Camp gives kids a world of good”. This is what prompted her to begin a holiday destination exclusively for children. “Summer camps have become a tradition in America and are extremely popular. It’s not a matter of ‘Are you going to summer camp?’, but rather ‘Which summer camp are you going to?’ I wanted to bring this caliber of camping to South Africa, to create a tradition and make summer camp a way of life,” she said. “South Africa has a very limited knowledge of camp and the usual veldt school camps are common in the country. I dislike the fact that these camps have the ‘compulsory’ aspect in their activities, and therefore I offer free choice at my summer camp,” she added. Ellender was convinced about the benefits of camp while doing market research and interviewing a host of summer camp counselors in South Africa who had worked at camps in the United States. “After speaking to them and hearing them explain the benefits of camp, I was convinced that starting a summer camp was the best idea I could have ever had. The counselors inspire me to believe in camp because of their energy; they are such cool people. It’s amazing to see that they make such a huge impact on the kids, that the kids will follow them to the ends of the world. They also have an incredible ability to create fun out of anything”, said Ellender. When asked, “How do you to continue to believe in your summer camp?” she responded; “Seeing the difference it makes to kids and their lives. They keep coming back to camp to escape the stresses of the outside world and reap the benefits of camp. The kids keep growing in confidence as a result of their camping experience. It’s great to see kids having fun without technology, keeping in mind how much time they spend engrossed in social media these days.” Ellender expanded on some of the benefits she has witnessed at Sugar Bay, which maintain her confidence in this business, “I believe in camp, because I believe it’s really important to get kids out of their comfort zones, and out on their own every now and then. This really helps them to make decisions by themselves and to be able to establish new friendships independently. It’s good for kids to do these things without parental support and without the distraction caused by their screens. I believe that camp is a fundamental building block for children. Kids don’t get to form relationships at school in a healthy way. However, at camp, there are specially trained counselors to guide them. As a mother of three kids, at three different ages, I definitely see the importance of this guidance offered at camp, whereas at school, kids are left to fend for themselves.” Ellender encourages parents who doubt her testimony, to ask other parents who have sent their kids to a camp like Sugar Bay. She says, “Don’t take my word for it. Ask any child or parent who has ever come to Sugar Bay.” Her words are evidently true, judging by the hundreds of five star reviews which flood their Facebook page with praises from both children and parents alike. If you would like more information about this one-of-a-kind summer camp, visit www.sugarbay.co.za or contact 032 485 3778.

September 7, 2017

Healthy Coping Skills For Teens

Let’s face it, we all need to learn healthy coping skills, but adolescence is a particularly stressful time, when making healthy choices is so important. With hormones raging, peer pressure at its peak, sometimes overwhelming high school stress caused by erratic relationships and high expectations, conflict with parents and a driving desire to explore their world and express themselves, teens are at risk of going off the deep end. They learn coping skills from us parents, but often we have developed our own bad habits, like reaching for a glass of wine, a cigarette or unhealthy foods when we’re stressed or totally losing our cool in the traffic. Here are some better coping mechanisms for them to practice until they become healthy life habits: Work on building self esteem. This is the foundation on which they will build their blossoming selves. They need to spend time alone to know themselves – their strengths and vulnerabilities, their talents and unique qualities. Making a list of 10 positive qualities about themselves and reviewing it every day can help start each day on a positive note. Using positive affirmations and filling their heads with inspirational words helps. There are fabulous stories of people who have succeeded against all odds. Taking the power out of negative words like “fat” (fabulous, amazing, tenacious) can help to stop them from feeling emotionally hurt. Joining a sport or creative activity they enjoy and are good at can really help them to feel better about themselves. It’s also important for them to associate with positive, supportive people who uplift and believe in them. Girls are especially vulnerable to falling into the trap of losing themselves in an attempt to fit in with a group perceived to be popular. Having a happy outlook goes a long way towards winning over their peers and it helps to be grateful for what they have rather than focusing on what they don’t have. Take responsibility. Teens need to learn to take responsibility for their own life – for the good and bad decisions they make. They shouldn’t beat themselves up over mistakes – just learn from them, apologise where necessary and don’t keep repeating the same mistakes. They must understand that some of the most successful people on this planet had to fail many times before they succeeded e.g. JK Rowling, who was turned down hundreds of times before her Harry Potter books were accepted by a publisher. Parents should reiterate that “failing” is how we learn so actually, there is no such thing as failure – only results – which they may like or not like. Fear is usually generated by the unknown but they shouldn’t let this hold them back – unless they try, they will never know what they might accomplish. Take control of their life. Teens need to learn that although they can’t always control what happens to them, they always have a choice as to how they respond. Being right and always winning is not nearly as important as doing the right thing. Even if they’re handling difficult circumstances, blaming other people doesn’t help – that just gets them stuck in the drama of the moment. Instead, looking at how to resolve the situation will be a lot more helpful in moving them in the right direction. If they want things to change, they have to change their actions. Doing the same thing over and over will give them the same results. They should not accept limiting beliefs about themselves, e.g. “I’m hopeless at maths”. Everyone has different strengths and it may just be that they learn differently and need someone to explain concepts in a way they can grasp. They should think BIG! The power of the mind is unlimited and what the mind can conceive and truly believe, it can achieve. Set goals. Teens must learn how to set goals and take small steps towards achieving them. There’s a saying: if you aim at nothing, you will achieve it every time! Goals are like ship rudders – they set the direction in which our lives move. A great goal setting method is for them to: Brainstorm all areas of their life – include school, personal, hobbies/interests, sports, etc. Write them all down. Some examples could be health/fitness, self-confidence, friendships, family, prioritising skills, organisation skills, etc. Make a chart with 3 columns – Yes, No, Maybe. Put everything they wrote down under the columns. Yes = areas they really need to work on right now. No = Areas they think are okay right now. Maybe = Areas they could work on but there is no urgency right now. Get it down to 3 goals in the Yes column. If they have more than three items, they should think about which three are the most important for them to work on right now. Move the others over to the Maybe column. These 3 Yes goals are their primary Those in the Maybe column are their secondary goals. Look at each goal and think about what they would like to achieve in 3 months. Imagine how it would look and feel to achieve this – make it real. Write down a goal statement for each goal. It must be inspiring and visionary, challenging and achievable, measurable (there should be a time limit), clear and focused. E.g. In 12 weeks I want to feel fitter and more energetic by running 5km three times a week. Now change the wording to make each goal inspiring. They need to look at it and feel really excited and motivated by it. E.g. “Wow, look at me now!” They can get ideas by looking up company slogans – e.g. Nike “Just Do it!” It will help to create a vision board and pin up photos of people who inspire them, sayings that motivate them, etc. Now set actions for each goal, with due dates. It helps to do this on a weekly basis. They need to keep setting different actions as they

August 28, 2017

Your Child’s Hearing

Hearing is an essential part of development as it enables babies to take in information about the world around them. It stimulates brain development and is critical for language development. For this reason, it is vital to identify and address hearing difficulties as early as possible. By the 16th week of pregnancy, the tiny bones in the baby’s ears begin to develop. By the 20th week of pregnancy, the baby begins to respond to sounds. Loud sounds may even make the baby startle or move about. By the 25th week of pregnancy, the auditory system becomes fully functional. At this point the baby is able to hear your voice when you are speaking or singing. Studies have shown that after birth, babies are able to recognize songs that were sung to them while in the womb. Unlike the visual system where actual visual experience begins after birth, the auditory system requires auditory experience with voice and language, music and meaningful environmental sounds during the last 10 to 12 weeks of fetal life. A child is born with a mind that is open and ready to receive information through all five senses. The more information the mind receives, the better the child is able to understand and participate in the world around them. All five senses are tools for learning and communicating. However, the sense of hearing is the most critical for speech and language development. It is difficult to define “normal” hearing development when speaking about human beings as each individual develops in their own way and at their own pace. However, over the years, several researchers have been able to compile a guideline for general milestones for hearing development: A Guideline for Hearing Developmental Milestones Birth At birth, babies are able to exhibit a startle reflex in response to sudden loud noises. This means that they will stiffen, quiver, blink, fan out their fingers and toes, or cry as a response. They are often sensitive to a wide range of sounds, including intonation and rhythmic cues. At birth, babies are able to recognize their mother’s voice and often prefer the sound of their mother’s voice. Sounds of different pitches have different effects on the infant. Low frequency sounds and rhythmic sounds have a calming effect. Higher frequency sounds result in a more violent reaction. You may note an increase or decrease in sucking in response to sound. Three Months At three months of age, babies are more aware of human speech and will begin to attend to voices. They will also start to show excitement for familiar sounds such as approaching footsteps, running bath water, etc. At this age, babies tend to awaken or quiet to the sound of their mother’s voice and will vocally respond to their mother’s voice. They begin to imitate noises as they hear them e.g. ooh, baba. Most importantly, at this stage, babies begin to localize sound by means of turning their eyes toward the general sound source. This is a great time to introduce sound-making toys; as they begin to enjoy such sounds and will listen to bells and other sound-making toys near them. Four Months By four months of age babies start localizing sound by turning their head toward the general source of sound and they will actively search for human voices. Five Months At 5 months of age, babies are able to localize sound more specifically. They distinguish between friendly and angry voices and react appropriately. They will stop crying or coo is response to music and become very interested in human voices. At this point, they are able to discriminate between sounds of strangers and familiar people. Six Months By 6 months of age, babies specifically locate sound from any direction, such as the bell that is rung out of sight (downward localization develops before upward localization). They will respond to human speech by smiling or vocalizing and will turn immediately to their mother’s voice across the room. They may show evidence of response to different emotional tones in their mother’s voice. Their association of hearing with sound production is now evident, in that they repeat selected sounds that they have heard. Eight Months At 8 months of age it is expected for the baby to turn his head and shoulders toward familiar sounds, even when he cannot see what is happening. They begin to understand sounds and words in context e.g. responding to a telephone ringing, a human voice, his own name, “no-no,” “bye-bye“. It is at this point that they begin to enjoy games like pat-a-cake and peek-a-boo. They may respond with raised arms when their mother says, “Come up” and reaches toward the child. One Year At one year of age it is expected that the child will babble in response to human voice. His sound imitations indicate that he can hear the sounds and match them with his own sound production. He will enjoy various sounds like jingles and rhymes and show interest in environmental sounds that may even be beyond his immediate surroundings. The child will respond to simple commands (at first, only when the command is accompanied by a gesture), such as giving a toy on request or going somewhere as directed. At this age, it is expected that the child understands an assortment of action words (verbs) such as “drink“, “go“, “come“, “give“, as well as some simple directions such as “wave bye bye.” No real understanding of questions is shown at this point. Two Years By two years of age several hearing and communication skills have developed: Shows interest in the sounds of radio or TV commercials. Listens to reason of language. Listens to simple stories. Responds to command, “Show me the —.” Understands and answers simple “wh” questions, e.g. “Where is your –?” Responds to yes/no questions by shaking or nodding head. Waits in response to “just a minute.” Identifies five body parts. Understands family names by selecting appropriate pictures. Understands the phrase, “have sweets after lunch” Carries out 4

August 24, 2017

How to Communicate When Your Child is Away From Home

How do you communicate with your child when they are away from home for a prolonged time? Whether its for a sleepover holiday camp, school tour or even if they’re spending a few days at a friends house; the way you communicate with your children when they are away affects how much they will enjoy their away-from-home experience. More parents and children are reluctant to spend time away from home whether it’s for reasons that have to do with safety, homesickness or insecurity. However, it is important that parents don’t communicate their insecurities so that their children can enjoy themselves and long-term, so that they can grow up into independent and confident people. At Sugar Bay Resort, a holiday camp for kids and teens, we challenge both parents and children to write letters to one another the traditional way when at camp. We allow our campers to write a letter to their parents on the third day of camp. These letters are then scanned and emailed to parents, opening the door of communication between parents and their children. However, the parents’ replies are often very formal and lack the gist of a meaningful letter. Here are 6 tips when communicating to your children when they are away from home, whether it’s a letter or over the phone: Focus: Find a private and distraction-free place to speak to your child so that you can really listen. They can tell when you are busy with something, or not listening, so don’t try to multi-task. Focus completely on your conversation or the letter you are writing. Avoid talking about home: Ask questions about where they are and what they have been up to, rather than talking about home life. It’s important to recognise that as a parent, your words play an integral part in homesickness. Always be encouraging and supportive: Encourage them to talk about their new experiences and what they’ve been up to, and support them when they share something new they did (especially when it’s something you don’t expect). Avoid too many questions: Too many questions will make your kids feel pressured to respond correctly, or write back more often than they would prefer to. Avoid heavy-handed disapproval or reprimands: This is certainly an unpleasant thing to come across in any letter. Let the kids know that they are missed: However, avoid getting too emotional. Tackle this with a change of topic. For example; persuade the kids to describe the new friends they made at camp. This will take the focus away from the emotional attachment which the word “missing” brings. Children love getting letters from home when they are at Sugar Bay camp. It makes them feel important and helps them realize just how much they are loved, overall, building up their confidence and courage to make the most out of their week away from home. Letters are also often a sentimental item that most kids will keep forever. Therefore, Sugar Bay has a dedicated email address which parents can use for these letters when their children are at camp. Take the time to hand-write a beautiful, meaningful letter or have a supportive conversation using the eight great tips above; because in this case, words speak louder than actions.

August 24, 2017

Saying goodbye to your kids – The Do’s and Dont’s

The way in which you say goodbye to your kids before a new experience can either encourage them or incite panic and despair. For children, a new experience can be scary and they depend on the support from their parents in order to respond to this experience positively. Here are some Dos and Don’ts for certain first-time-experiences: Saying goodbye at school for the first time: Watching your little one walk away from the car into the school gates for the first time is often a very stressful experience for parents. However, it is much more challenging for your child, be it the first day of primary school, high school or college. DOencourage your child and speak about how exciting this new experience will be. Focus on the opportunities it will offer and the positive things to look forward to in the day. The trick is to be more excited than your child, and your excitement will surely rub off on him or her. DON’Tthink of all the things that could go wrong and don’t share these thoughts with your child. Feeding your child’s mind with negative body language and expressing doubts will not encourage them to look forward to this new opportunity. Your child will emulate your anxiety, resulting in them feeling “on edge” all day long. Saying goodbye for their first sleepover camp: Sending your child away for a week-long sleepover camp can be rather nerve-wracking for both parents and children. Homesickness, safety concerns and the thought of your child having an unpleasant experience are one of parents’ greatest concerns. DOyour research about the camp to put your mind at ease about the safety and enjoyment of the venue. Read online reviews, request a tour of the camp if you can and ask all your questions. DOstart encouraging your child’s excitement in advance. Research the fun activities they can participate in at camp by watching YouTube videos or visiting their website. Take your kids shopping for their camping experience. Whether you’re just getting a few odds and ends or searching for the best insect repellent or sun block, it will definitely get them excited. Be sure to tell them about how this opportunity will allow them to create new friendships. DON’Ttell your kids about how much you will be missing them. This will probably make them feel guilty about being away from home and is one of the main contributing factors which lead to homesickness. Don’t call the camp and request to speak to your child too often either. It’s best to send an email which can get passed on to your child, rather than interrupting your child’s first experience sleeping away from home. If you do call, remember to sound happy and encourage your child to share what they’ve enjoyed so far and to make the most out of this experience. Saying goodbye before their first solo flight: The first time on a foreign mode of transport is a scary ordeal for anyone. No parent necessarily wants their minors to be unaccompanied when traveling, however, certain situations will require them to be independent and conquer this fear. DOTell them about how proud you are of them for being so responsible and going on a plane by themselves. This will boost their confidence. DOShare the interesting things they would fancy on a plane ride, such as the good food, free drinks, window seats, fun onboard games and movies etc. DOReassure them that they will be safe and that air travel is the safest mode of transport in the world. Also, inform them that they are not alone and that the airplane has a host of friendly and helpful staff who will be there to assist them at all times. DOprepare them for turbulence and the speed of take-off, so they aren’t terrified when it happens. Explain that this is a normal and common thing for planes. DON’Tdiscuss all the things that could go wrong on this journey, such as a plane crash, or plane hijacking, etc. This is not encouraging, even as a joke, and will send your child running for the hills when it’s time to board their plane. DON’T look or sound concerned or sad in front of your child. Your emotions have a major impact on your child’s behavior. No matter the situation, remember to always be encouraging and speak confidently when saying goodbye to your kids. Keep reminding them of everything positive that they will experience and they will conquer their “first-time-alone” fears with confidence.

August 11, 2017

University Application Survival Kit

With university application season now in full swing for Matrics who want to pursue further studies next year, stress levels in homes across the country are rising as a result of the demanding administrative requirements associated with the process. But it can be made significantly smoother and less onerous if learners take some time to put together an application survival kit before starting to complete their applications, an education expert says. “When applying for a place at a higher education institution – whether online or in hard copy, whether at a public university or a private institution – there are a number of things you will need and can get ready before you even look at the application forms,” says Dr Felicity Coughlan, Director of The Independent Institute of Education, SA’s largest private higher education provider. Coughlan says learners should prepare hard copies as well as an electronic folder containing all the documents and information they are going to require, as well as keep a log to track applications and all the log in credentials and passwords they will amass to application portals if they are applying to more than one institution. Learners need to make it easy for an institution to accept them by ensuring their applications are complete. “Given limited spaces at universities and fierce competition for popular courses, it is of course imperative that learners keep their options open for next year, by applying to more than one institution and for more than one course. Putting all your eggs in one basket may mean that come 2018, you find that your marks just didn’t make the grade to ensure you get access into your first choice of course or institution, or that you just missed the cut for admission due to high demand for limited space. “But while it is highly advised to have a Plan B, C and even D in place, this means that you need to keep quite a few balls in the air during the application stage. Your application survival kit will help you not to drop them,” she says. Coughlan says that once learners have prepared all their documents and information, they will be able to respond to application requirements in one sitting. “Additionally, you need to ensure that scanned copies of documents are as small as possible to ensure they are not rejected due to an institution’s mail server settings, so do not save them as image files. Also ensure that the names of all documents tie back to you, by including your name, ID number and descriptor of the document in the file name.” Coughlan says that most applications to reputable institutions will require the following: A certified copy of your identity document. Ensure that in the scanned copy the document, the picture, certification stamp and writing are all very clear and easy to read. A certified copy of your Grade 11 school results as well as your April or Prelim Matric results. Your NBT number or results or both. A certified copy of the fee payer’s identity document as well as proof of banking details and residence. A certified testimonial from a school or equivalent if you are applying for residence. Application letters, forms and portfolios for those programmes that require them. All your contact details – telephone numbers, residential and postal addresses as well as a reliable mobile number and e-mail address (consider using your parent or guardian’s details if you are not good at responding to texts and mails). All the contact details of your next of kin, parents, guardians or sponsors – you will need telephone and residential, postal and e-mail details. Coughlan says the application process can further be streamlined and made more manageable if learners also ensure that they: Use easy to remember passwords and login details for online applications and keep records of all of them for each institution. Keep a record of reference numbers sent to them. Carefully track dates and requirements and keep to them, so that they don’t lose out on a place because they forgot, for instance, to pay the application fee. Complete the forms in absolute and correct detail, because mistakes can lead to them losing out on a place if it looks like they were trying to mislead the institution. Have all the information close at hand when filling in applications, so that they are not logged out while searching for something. Use the correct codes for courses as provided, so that there is no misunderstanding of exactly what is being applied for. “The higher education application process is a job in itself, and a matriculant’s first taste of the new responsibilities and challenges that will come after their school years,” says Coughlan. “It is a great opportunity to start taking responsibility for and control of one’s future, and can be an empowering adventure if tackled correctly. And of course, most importantly, learners should start the process right now and ensure they have left their options open, and definitely not leave things until later in the year or even next year, when their chances of acceptance into a programme or institution will be significantly diminished.”

July 19, 2017

How to Choose a Safe Holiday Camp

Sending your kids to overnight camp can be nerve-racking if you’re going to be stressing about their safety. It’s important that you choose a camp that has trustworthy staff and safe facilities. To put your mind at ease, here are some suggested questions that you should ask concerning the safety policy of a sleepover camp for your kids: What is the ratio of staff to children? Staff ratios are very important. The higher the number of counselors to campers, the more supervised your children will be. A higher staff to child ratio means a more controlled environment and will ensure that your kids are getting the quality supervision and attention they require. How have the staff been trained? Your children should be in the care of staff that are at least qualified to render basic first aid, also known as Emergency First Response. You need to also question their psychological training in terms of how they would handle a case of bullying or homesickness at camp. What is the camp’s policy on parental contact during camp? A camp that is running ethically will not completely cut-off ties between parents and their children. The camp must allow some sort of contact between the campers and their parents during camp, like an occasional email home or a telephone line that allows parents to speak directly to their kids in a case of emergency. Some camps post pictures of the campers on their social media platforms so that parents can become a part of their children’s experiences too. Does the camp have a policy for screening visitors? A camp that places great emphasis on who can and who cannot enter the property is a camp that you can trust. Proper safety precautions should be implemented when visitors come to camp, such as CCTV surveillance and proper sign-in and sign-out facilities. Does the camp prevent two people from ever being alone together? According to the American Camp Association (ACA), it’s inappropriate for a camp employee to be alone and out of sight with a camper, as well as a camper to be alone with another camper regardless of gender. There should always be at least three people present in these rare cases of seclusion, and one of those people must be the child’s supervising counselor. This safety policy is commonly known as a “Buddy System”. Does the camp conduct background checks on staff and counselors? It is of utmost importance that the camp conducts background checks and a police clearance on their staff and counselors. This is vital as their employees will be working with children who are vulnerable and require safe and specialized care. Asking the right questions before selecting a camp will ensure your children are well cared for in a controlled and safe environment, and it will further help put your mind at ease while they are away from home.

July 15, 2017

5 Tips for finding a good holiday camp

The opportunity for your kids to gain new friends and a better sense of independence and maturity is best provided by a sleepover camp during the school holidays. These holiday camps are also called ‘summer camps’. There are a variety of sleepover camps available and choosing the right camp for your child’s interest is important if they are going to enjoy their school holidays. Despite the overwhelmingly wide selection of camps to choose from, camps that children are likely to enjoy do have a few things in common. When searching for a good holiday camp for your children, be sure to look for these 5 things: 1. Find a camp that is technology-free. A camp that doesn’t allow your kids to carry their mobile and gaming devices are usually the best option. These camps provide your children with a break away from technology and allow them to participate and gain the complete camp experience without any distractions. This will also allow your children to form new face-to-face friendships, which will often be the highlight of their experience. 2. Find a camp with an outdoor focus. It’s good to find a camp located in a natural environment. This will allow your children to enjoy the tranquility of being away from the bustling city life. In the past, summer camps used their natural settings and encouraged children to play in an outdoor environment. However, this is not always the case today as many camps are located in busy, urban environments such as college campuses. 3. Find a camp that has a flexible and age-appropriate program. Some summer camps have a fixed program structure and do not allow your child to choose what they would like to participate in. Since the majority of children do not enjoy being forced to do compulsory activities, you should try to find a camp that is flexible in this regard. As much as structured activities are great for balance and discipline, non-structured activities are great for freedom of expression and personal growth. You would also be wise to find out what sort of activities are on offer and whether these activities will be suitable for your child’s interests and age group. 4. Find a camp that practices environmental education. A camp that gets children involved with nature in a hands-on way is exactly what you should be looking for if you live in the city. These camps schedule a time where nature can be explored and discovered, creating the perfect opportunity for children to learn an appreciation for the environment. Exceptional camps promote recycling and always work towards reducing their environmental footprint and encourage children to do the same. 5. Find a camp that provides three good meals a day. It is essential that children are provided with good, nutritious meals three times a day. Some camps are criticized for failing to provide healthy meals for their campers. You need to ensure that the camp you choose follows a menu which is suitable for the healthy growth and development of your child, as well as food that your children will enjoy. Well-fed campers are always happy campers. A summer camp which checks all these boxes is a camp worth trying. As an added measure, you may also want to read the reviews on camps’ social media pages to make sure that other parents recommend your chosen camp. Once that’s done, your children are good to go and will very likely want to return for the next school holiday.

July 15, 2017

How camp helps shy and insecure children

One reason that many parents send their kids to a holiday camp like Sugar Bay is so that they can make new friends and become more confident in a safe and fun environment, without the added pressure that often comes from school or home. Evidently, many children have left Sugar Bay’s shores having received much personal benefit from their holiday experience. They share their stories below: Mvelo (High school student, Parktown): Sugar Bay changed my life forever. Before I came to Sugar Bay, I had a low self-esteem; I was anti-socialand never had any friends. I chose to rather be at home, indoors, rather than playing outside because I was afraid of socializingwith other kids as I felt like they would judge me. All of that began to change when I came to Sugar Bay, 10 years ago. I was inspired and encouraged to break out of my shell and socialize. Since then, I love coming back to Sugar Bay and making new friends. I’ve loved every single moment I’ve spent here at camp. Now, I have more confidence in myself. Basani (High school student, Lonehill): Sugar Bay has taught me that it’s okay to be me and that everyone at Sugar Bay is your friend. To this day, I am still friends with those girls from my first camp, as well as other camps I have been to thereafter. Today, I am a confident, open “social butterfly”, and I would be none of these things if it weren’t for Sugar Bay. Matej (High school student, Johannesburg): I used to be a shy personwho didn’t really have friendsand never wanted to participate in any activities. I always pretended to have a good time, but secretly, I wanted to be somewhere else. I used to have anger management issuesbut all of that changedwhen I came here. I hope to continue to teach the kids the lessons I was taught the first time I came to camp. Unlike other environments, holiday camps are specifically aimed at assisting children to overcome certain issues and to help them gain the skills they require to become confident and courageous individuals. If you are a parent with a shy and insecure child – a holiday camp at Sugar Bay is a good option to consider. The above testimonials reveal limited information about the reviewer in order to protect the privacy of the children. However, Sugar Bay’s Facebook Page boasts over 150 public reviews, which parents are encouraged to browse through if they are considering booking a camp.

July 15, 2017

How to Help Your Student Child Transition to Adulthood

I can’t adult today: funny when stated ironically on social media, but not so much for parents of students who struggle to start taking on the responsibilities of adulthood as they should be doing in tertiary education. “Students need to start preparing for their adult lives and the world of work incrementally at university, but many of them may be reluctant to do so – to the consternation of their parents and guardians,” says Dr Gillian Mooney, Dean: Academic Development and Support at The Independent Institute of Education, SA’s largest private higher education provider. “The central reasons for many young adults’ ‘failure to launch’, is often because parents don’t hand over the appropriate responsibility reins when they should, which means that their children don’t become empowered to handle their own affairs, and simply, some children may not yet be ready to cope,” she says. From the mother who still cleans her daughter’s dorm room, or cooks weekly meals for her son, to the father who calls the institution to explain why his child didn’t complete his assignment, there are so many ways in which parents and others – in a loving effort – can do students more harm than good. “Higher education should not just be seen as a period of life when one acquires theoretical knowledge and a degree, but also very importantly as a stepping stone from dependence at school into adult independence,” notes Mooney. “It is understandable that letting go is a difficult thing to do for parents, but it is the developmental challenge of parents of university students to do so. Letting go of your children is a fundamental part of raising them and is developmentally appropriate for parents of children at tertiary institutions.” Yet many parents don’t always know where they should step in, and where they should step back. “This is a complex question, and depends on both the parents and the child. However, it may be helpful for parents to think of this developmental challenge as they did about any other. For example, we feed babies milk before we feed them solid foodstuffs. In other words, we implement incremental steps in any changes. It is, therefore, important to realise that the ‘letting go’ needs to take place in small steps.” Parents should therefore consider the following developmentally-appropriate handovers: APPLICATION FORMS Prospective students should be taking responsibility for researching their options, investigating entry requirements, filling in and submitting their applications. The parent’s role is a supporting one to ensure that proper research was done, and that forms were completed correctly and submitted timeously. Under no circumstances should parents be taking the lead in deciding on courses or institutions, or completing applications on behalf of their children. It is important to remember that many students who are not successful at university are the ones whose parents have “forced” them into a specific qualification or university. BUDGETS Parents and prospective students should sit together and determine what their available budget is to cover studies, accommodation, materials, transport and other living expenses. Then the child should do the legwork to determine how this budget should be implemented – obviously with parental guidance and final approval. Looking for accommodation, for instance, is an important part of the process for the future student, which will start giving them an idea of the realities of affordability. TROUBLE & CHALLENGES It is instinctive for parents to want to step in when a problem arises, but in their student years, young adults must learn the very important twin skills of taking responsibility for their actions and negotiating the process of rectifying what went wrong. This develops the all-important emotional intelligence that is in demand in the workplace, and also provides an opportunity for the student to demonstrate their maturity to those who can play an important role in terms of future options. This learning cannot be by osmosis though, so the parent should also institute an incremental approach here – preferably by allowing the child to handle progressively more complex challenges from when they are young or, at the post-school stage, doing this progressively. First the parent can brainstorm and plan with the child or even accompany them the first time, and then next time just talk through possible solutions until eventually the skills are learned and the first thing the parent gets to hear is how something was resolved. DAY-TO-DAY LIFE MANAGEMENT Shopping, cooking, cleaning, doing the washing – these are all basic tasks which surprisingly many students still leave in the hands of the grownups. Parents should assist in showing how the budget needs to be spread, but thereafter the student needs to start managing these tasks independently. “If parents and guardians still feel that their ongoing interventions with these ‘adult’ tasks are required, it could be an indication that the child is not yet ready to live alone,” says Mooney. “If that is the case, this should be considered when choosing a higher education institution – by choosing one closer to home or opting for distance learning instead of a contact institution.”

July 12, 2017

Feeding Teenagers

As teens become more independent in their food choices, they tend to make wrong choices- even teens who are brought up eating healthy. Here are the four worst food habits teens may develop and some tips as to how you can help them. Skipping breakfast is the number one leading bad habit for teens. According to a recent study more that half of male teens and more than two thirds of female teens do not eat breakfast on a regular basis. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Eating breakfast can kick starts your teens metabolism, which helps with weight control, mood and school performance. You can ensure that your teen eats a healthy breakfast by making the foods readily accessible to him. Make it part of your routine to put breakfast on the table and sit with your teen while you both enjoy a healthy breakfast or if time is a problem then do a grab and go breakfast . The next unhealthy food habit teens have is increased foods from the treat group. Teens tend to eat too much high fat and calorie snack foods. You can help teens break this habit by having healthy snacks available. Turn your house into a safe zone, where healthy, tasty snacks are easily accessible and treat snacks are non existent. Increased eating outside the home. Teens hit the take aways and fast food outlets much more often than they did when they were younger. This is often because of school, sports and work schedules overlapping regular mealtimes. Talk to your teen about limiting fast food once a week. Help prepare some easy to eat meals in advance like a healthy sandwich, or last nights meal leftovers. Last but not least is the over consumption of fizzy drinks. Help your teen by limiting the amount of fizzy drinks available in the home. Encourage water, cordials homemade iced teas. One common denominator for getting teens to eat healthier and avoid these bad food habits is your active role in providing healthy foods. When you get in the habit of making these foods more available to your teen, you will see a change in the eating habits.

June 9, 2017

Are you putting your child at risk with their daily body care routine?

Would you clean your child with a chemical that is also used to degrease car engines? Well the startling fact is that Sodium Lauryl Suphate (SLS), an ingredient still in use in many children’s body care products, is also used to clean car engines! Every day our children are potentially exposed to many chemicals — the vast majority of which have never been screened for safety. I’m not a doctor, a chemist or a scientist. I’m a Mom who believes that my child has the right to be free from exposure to harmful chemicals, artificial ingredients and nasty preservatives. When my son was born I felt it was my duty to understand those long lists of ingredients on his skin care products and that I had a responsibility as his mother to reduce his exposure to toxins. Doing my homework has at times been an enlightening journey of discovery while often a shocking eye opener. I had always thought that for these toxins to be harmful they needed to swallowed or inhaled. What I forgot is that the skin is the body’s largest organ and is absorptive. Whether a chemical is soaked in through the skin, or an aerosol spray is inhaled, or suds wash down the drain and back into the drinking water supply – they can easily end up in your child’s body. What I find most alarming is the fact that many of the children’s skin care products on the market are not only harmful to their skin but also to their long term health. Many of these ingredients are known carcinogens (cancer-causing substances) and they are used by the industry simply because they are cheap. When exposed to toxic chemicals, even small doses can affect your child’s sensitive and developing body, leaving them vulnerable to allergies and frequent bouts of infections, colds, and even behavioural challenges. What research is telling us to avoid The following are just some of the synthetic chemicals that have been identified by scientific studies to be harmful to health. Sodium Lauryl Suphate (SLS) and Ammonium Lauryl Sulfate (ALS )- SLS is a surfactant that creates lather in formulas. Often described as being “derived from coconut”, which disguises their toxic nature, these chemicals are commonly used in shampoos, toothpaste, soaps and bubble baths. SLS and ALS can cause severe skin irritation, and are easily absorbed into the body through the skin, building up in the brain, heart, lungs and liver, leading to potential long term health problems. SLS and ALS may also cause cataracts, and prevent children’s eyes from developing properly. Paraben- Parabens are preservatives widely used in skin care and baby products to prolong their shelf life. They are suspected to be carcinogenic and can cause rashes and allergic reactions. Propylene Glycol- Found in many creams and cleansers, Propylene Glycol can cause skin rashes and contact dermatitis, and has been shown to cause damage to the kidneys and liver. Isopropyl Alcohol- Alcohol is used as a solvent in many skin care products. It causes skin irritation and strips the skin of its natural acid mantle, promoting the growth of bacteria, moulds and viruses. DEA (Diethanolamine), TEA (Triethanolamine) and MEA (Monoethanolamine)- These substances are harsh solvents and detergents that are used in body creams as an emollient. They can cause allergic reactions, and long term use of DEA-based products (such as Cocamide DEA) have been linked to an increase in the incidence of liver and kidney cancer. Mineral Oil- Mineral oil is derived from petroleum (crude oil), and is commonly found as a main ingredient of face and body creams. Baby Oil is 100% mineral oil! It coats the skin like a plastic film, clogging pores and stops the skin from eliminating toxins, which can lead to acne and other skin disorders. Other petroleum based ingredients include paraffin wax, paraffin oil and petrolatum. Polyethylene Glycol (PEG)- PEG is used as a thickener in skin care products. PEGs interfere with the skin’s natural moisture balance, which accelerates ageing and leaves the skin vulnerable to bacteria. Talc- Talc is a soft mineral used in talcum powders. Inhaling powders containing talc may be harmful to long term health. Saccharin- Saccharin is an artificial sweetener added to many types of toothpaste. It’s been banned in many countries. We have become so addicted to sweets, we can’t even motivate our children to brush unless artificial sweeteners have been added to them. How to protect your child from toxins Examine the labels of your children’s skin care products carefully, and learn to recognize ingredients that are harmful to their skin and their health. Don’t be fooled by the words ‘natural’ or ‘organic’ on the label. Many products contain one or two natural or organic ingredients, but they may also contain harmful synthetic chemicals as well. Read all the ingredients and keep an eye open for the ones listed above. Whenever possible, choose products with 100% natural ingredients. Find a company you can trust that will give you simple, safe ingredients. [box type=”note” style=”rounded”]If you value the importance of natural kiddie body care then KiddieKix is offering a limited number of opportunities for Agents to help spread the goodness. Click here for more info. [/box] [hr]

April 14, 2017

HAVING THE SEX TALK

Like any parent, I used to lie awake at night, fearful of the day [in the not so distant future] when my daughter would be interested in learning about the birds and the bees. I envisioned a beautiful sunny day replete with a flowery meadow and picnic basket, perfectly suited atmosphere to explain the most precious of topics with my child. Cut to real life and the question hits me smack dab in the middle of a busy line at the grocery store. “Mom, how are babies born?” I was not prepared for an audience during this discussion. My daughter was about seven years old and just tall enough to be eye level with the beautiful belly of a woman clearly in her last days of pregnancy. After we all had a quick giggle, I told her that as soon as we were back in the car, I would tell her. And I did. I vividly remember my answer, “Honey, when you get married, the mommy and daddy are in love and they want to have a baby. The baby grows inside the mommy’s body and when it is ready to come out, the doctor helps at the hospital.” To my relief, her only concern was whether or not she was indeed born at a hospital. “Yes you were and you had a girl doctor!” Fast forward seven years and it’s now my turn to bring up this touchy subject. Unlike my child, I don’t announce it publicly; rather take the time to skilfully plan my attack. My daughter is now a teenager, and while this topic hasn’t been taboo over the years [we encourage her to talk with us about issues], this is now the right time for a serious discussion and actual facts. I casually stroll into her room and chit chat about hair products, cool bands and school. We talk about her friends and it allows me to segue into whether any of them have had sex. She says no [thank goodness] and I can tell by her tone that she’s open to hearing more. I remind her of the time at the grocery store, and of the book we got from the library when she was ten, and then say that since she’s now grown up, we can move on to the important stuff. At this age, I no longer need to bore her with the logistics of lovemaking, she understands biology. We talk about family values and how her Dad and I feel strongly that sex is for adults that are in love. We talk about how having self-confidence will help her to remain pure for the person that will ultimately become her husband and how important the commitment she makes now will be to both of them in the future. We discuss disease prevention, contraception, and about the pressures of being an abstinent teenager. We talk about ways to resist temptation. We agree to keep this subject on the radar.

March 13, 2017

An open letter to divorcing parents

Dear Parents, Divorce/separation sucks for the simple reason that when two people get together and have children, they make plans to build a future together. They do not plan for an eventual separation. So when it eventually happens, everything as they know it, crumbles. Everything will be different, and that is scary as hell. Today, thanks to extensive resources available, providing a wealth of information on all aspects of separation and referencing many people having gone through a separation before, separating parents are being presented with more options to separate with less trauma, and receive more knowledge on how to face and proceed mindfully with this life changing event. It gifts them a head start to engage on this journey in a manner that will not only allow them to move forward with less anger and bitterness, but mostly in sparing their children from broken childhood memories. Yet, there is increasing evidence of a rise in parental conflicts, court battles, evasion of parental roles and responsibilities, and using the children to control certain outcomes of their agreements not being met. Life is a never ending learning process. To discard available information and valuable support, is choosing to be a victim of your circumstances. Yes, a separation is distressing and hard on a person. It can make you feel like there is little justice and that life isn’t fair, but it should not become an excuse to waste your life focusing on a dream that did not materialise. Instead, evaluate if your conflicts are about hurting your ex or rather hurting your sons and daughters, because your conflicts are wounding your children in ways they cannot control. Recognise that there is in fact no problem. What you see as a problem is actually a change of direction. It’s not the end, it’s not a beginning. It’s a transition that allows you to plan for some different and new life choices. The time has come for separating and separated parents to address the crisis their families are in when going through a divorce/separation. Parents who are hostage to an acrimonious battle over custody and/or maintenance are not fighting for what is in the best interest of their children, they are out to hurt and destroy each other, no matter who stands in the cross fire. It is time to raise awareness that being in control of your emotions is the solution to forgiveness and healing, so that you can mend, and not destroy, your children’s families. The time is now to change the way you, parents, separate, so that you can give your sons and daughters a life which feels normal being happy and not which feels normal being broken. The Law doesn’t raise children, parents do! Nadia Thonnard

November 16, 2016

Divorce and children

Telling my children that their mom and I were getting divorced was probably the hardest conversation I have ever had. My son Luke was 11 at the time and my daughter Blythe 8. My heart broke as I looked into their sad, shocked eyes. It took everything I had to stop my tears from flowing. Their lives were being turned upside down by the two people they trusted and relied on most in the world. Divorce is a difficult and painful reality which affects almost half of everyone who gets married. Tragically it’s our children’s hearts that are so often caught in the crossfire of negative emotions that come with divorce. This is not an article on how and why to avoid divorce, or the merits of staying together or not for the kids, it’s an article on how to love, protect, nurture and equip children through divorce. If there is one thing I have learnt as a parent it’s that it is not about us it’s about our children. They are not there for us, we are there for them. We brought them into the world and it’s up to us to look after them. Whatever the reason a divorce takes place and regardless of who was most to blame,when we fail to keep our marriage together, which I did, our primary responsibility as parents remains the nurture, care and protection of our children. After I saw first hand the impact my announcement had on my children I vowed to do everything in my power to protect them from the harmful emotional effect of our divorce. It’s very easy during a divorce to become so immersed in our own emotions and self preservation that our children take a backseat. The reality is they need us more than ever. The break up of a family is a major trauma for children and we as their parents are in the strange position of being both the cause of their distress and their source of strength and security during it. Here are eight things I learnt through my own experience that can help children deal with divorce: Let them know that it’s not their fault. As irrational as it may seem, children often feel that somehow they are to blame when a family splits apart. Make sure they understand that this is mom and dad’s fault and they are not responsible in any way. Never put your children in a position where they need to choose between mom or dad. Don’t blame. Your children need both of you and they don’t want either one of you to be the villain. This is your stuff not theirs, keep it that way and do everything you can to ensure your children maintain a great relationship with both of you. Reassure them that everything will be okay. Let them know that even though the living arrangements will be changing you still love them deeply and will be present in their lives. Explain to them that they will have two homes where they will be loved and accepted completely. Help them deal with the change by talking about it. They need to mourn the passing of how life was and adjust to how life will be. The more they are able to talk about the changes and express themselves the quicker they will be able to accept and process the transition. Help them identify their feelings. No matter what they say they will be going through pain and confusion and you need to help them deal with this. Find a way to get into their hearts and minds and truly see and hear what they are thinking and feeling. The younger they are the more challenging this will be as young children don’t have the emotional understanding and maturity to identify their emotions, nor do they have the vocabulary to express them. You may need to enlist the help of an expert such as a counsellor or art therapist. Validate their feelings. Let them know that what they are feeling is normal and okay. Children often experience guilt when feeling anything negative towards their parents and will hide or suppress their emotions. Yet in a divorce they have every right to feel negative emotions towards us; we are responsible for breaking up the world as they know it. After my divorce I realised that Luke was feeling very angry with me and his mom but he felt confused and guilty about what he was feeling. I let him know that it was okay to feel that way, that he had every right to be angry. Help them process their feelings appropriately. Their unspoken question will be; ok so I realise I’m angry and it’s ok to be angry but what do I do with my anger? Again you may need to enlist the help of an expert or older mentor. In Luke’s case I asked him to forgive me and his mom and gave him the space to express and feel his anger. Often an angry child will take his frustration out in inappropriate ways like bullying, self-harm or other destructive behaviours. Helping your child to deal appropriately with emotions will set him or her free from harmful thoughts and behaviors and grow their emotional intelligence. Get your children involved in a divorce recovery programme. There are churches, community centers and counseling groups that offer programmes specifically for children going through a divorce. These can be very beneficial in assisting children to deal with their emotions and equipping them with the tools to handle the change. By taking theses eight actions, prioritizing your children’s hearts and staying deeply involved in their lives it’s possible to minimize the trauma of divorce and turn it into a powerful growth experience for both you and them.

June 9, 2016

Appropriate Boundaries In Parenting

What do parents most want from children? Is it obedience – for children to do what parents think is best whether for the benefit of the child or for the parent? Could it be love – that parents want their children to love them unconditionally as parents try to love their children unconditionally? What about becoming good citizens who are responsible, pleasant to be around, non-offensive to others, and working toward success and independence? And, does love equal respect? So, how do parents get what they most want from their children? The answer is setting appropriate boundaries. These boundaries look and feel different depending on the chosen parenting style. There are typically three styles of parenting with some parents jumping from one style to the other depending on what point or convenience they believe is important to make at the time. The first boundary style is called “lines in the sand” as described here: 4-year old Jody and her mother are eating lunch at a local restaurant. Jody wants some gum out of the gum ball machine and asks her mom for some money. When mom says “Not now, sweetie”, Jody continues to ask and mom continues to deny the request. Mom decides to call a friend on her cell phone and while mom is distracted Jody goes into her mom’s wallet, gets a handful of change, puts the coins in the machine and comes back to the table with some gum in her mouth. After a bit, Mom finally notices Jody chewing gum and tells her friend the whole story as Jody listens. Mom expresses to her friend she just doesn’t understand why Jody doesn’t obey her. Jody is never personally scolded for her poor choice or instructed how to make a better choice. Although many parents want to have fun with their children, when a parent draws a line in the sand as the boundary for the child to follow, the relentless waves of the tide come in and wash the line away each time it is drawn. Therefore, what did Jody learn? If this parenting style is used often, Jody will relentlessly test her mom and other authority figures just to see where the boundaries actually are. Often, foster parents are unsure of where to place boundaries on foster children and may be overly lenient to compensate for the hurt foster children have experienced. “Lines in the sand” parenting tells foster children that 1) they are not good enough to have set or standard boundaries and will need to set their own, 2) the parent is incapable of setting appropriate boundaries, or 3) they are special and don’t need to follow the same boundaries as other family members. This parenting style leads birth and foster children toward rebellion breeding chaos, fighting, disrespect and a low sense of self- worth. The second style of parenting is described as a “brick wall”. Picture it … a tall, thick, red brick wall. Does it signify protection, strength, a sense of durability; or could it be described more cold, looming, harsh, and impenetrable? Children need the protection and strength from parents but never do they need parents to be unwelcoming, forbidding, rigid or unforgiving. Children also need the opportunity to learn to make good choices. A safe and comfortable home environment is where children can experience many opportunities to practice making choices. Being allowed to make choices encourages confidence. If children find the answer to their requests always being “no”, and / or a place where guilt and un-forgiveness is the rule of the day, then those children will seek acceptance elsewhere and usually in unfavourable settings. This parenting style also leads children to rebellion breeding chaos, fighting, disrespect and a low sense of self-worth. Often children run from rigidity because their inherent sense of free will or freedom of choice is being squelched. Foster children have often been reared in homes which have neglected their needs either through moving or non-existent boundaries, such as “lines in the sand”; or very strict boundaries described as “brick wall” parenting. The two extremes in parenting have been explained leaving the third parenting style of the “deep-rooted tree”. Picture a tall sturdy tree whose branches spread out over the yard giving shelter, shade, beauty, freedom, creativity, recreation and a feeling of being tested over time. One of the benefits of this parenting style is the manner in which life’s storms are weathered – with grace, flexibility and wisdom. There’s no room for arrogance, impatience or pity. A quiet strength is rooted in good soil rich with healthy nutrients expressing the importance of taking care of oneself and of others. There are no inappropriate expectations nor judgement but a joy when family members choose to spend time together under the tree. Delightful flowers and foliage often bring forth delicious fruit allowing others to share from the bounty and the beauty this style offers. When the storms come, deeply planted roots hold the tree upright with a strong trunk. The branches know just how far to bend without breaking from the wind. And so it is with this parenting style. As children need strength and wisdom from their parents, they also need flexibility. “Deep-rooted” parenting has a strong foundation supporting children to learn from their personal experiences through proper guidance in making effective choices. These teaching moments become life lessons which mould children’s character and prepare them to respond appropriately in future situations. As foster parents, strength with flexibility offered to all children shows parents care about children as individuals, that parents believe in children and trust their ability to make good choices for their level of development. Children experience freedom and peace when acting within appropriate boundaries. In return, through time parents will receive the love and respect that they demonstrate to others. Although flexibility is the key element in appropriate boundaries, determining how far a parent is willing to go and being consistent in not going beyond the boundary limit is crucial. A

September 10, 2015

Going Beyond “Fine”

It’s a typical complaint that the majority of parents have – that their kids don’t tell them about what is going on in their lives; that very early on they stop communicating. You pick them up from school and ask how their day was, and all you get is “fine”. Have you ever wondered why that is, and how to go beyond just “fine”? We’re complaining about our kids lacking in communication skills, but who do they learn this from? Us, of course. And what could be a worse example of true communication than asking a child “How was your day?” If you really look at it, you’ll see that it is such a conditioned, automated question that it doesn’t even warrant an answer. We live most of our adult lives asking and answering automated questions: “Hi, how are you?” “Fine, thanks, and you?” Do you really care how the other person is? Do you want a true response or to get into a conversation about their current troubles and successes? Not really. We know this, and our kids watching us know this too, so when we ask them a similarly unconscious question they don’t feel the need to supply more than the typically automated response. We forget that kids are still fully engaged in the world, and we need to meet them where they’re at, not come at them with our adult switched-offness! If you want true communication with your kids, you need to start truly communicating with them. Start by asking a question that actually implies that you are interested in them and their lives. Instead of “How was your day?” try: “Is your best friend back at school today?” “Is the PT teacher still wearing those silly shorts?” “Who had the most delicious lunch today?” “What games did you play on the playground?” These are just some ideas to get you going, but if you follow the next part of true communication i.e. actually listening to what the other person is saying, I’m sure you’ll come up with some more of your own! So the trick to going beyond just “fine” is this: If you want a real answer, ask a real question!

August 28, 2015

8 Truths About Teens That Every Parent Should Know

Raising teenagers can be an incredibly difficult job for adults, especially when they often seem to behave strangely. One workshop I conduct frequently for parents of older children is titled, YES, YOUR TEEN IS CRAZY. I rarely have trouble filling the seats for that one. Actually, the title is true. Teens ARE crazy because the structure of their brains is changing drastically during the adolescent years. With that said, there are some truths about teenagers that many parents need to be reminded of. Once we accept these truths and then use the information to alter how we handle our teens, it can change everything. So here are eight (of many) truths about teenagers that parents must be aware of. They Lie – Daytime Emmy Award winner, Judith Sheindlin, star of the daytime show JUDGE JUDY, is often heard saying, “If a teenager’s mouth is moving, they’re lying,” and in a way, she’s right. Teenagers lie and so do children. If you catch your teen in a lie, do not over react and don’t think you can rid them of the habit through punishment or yelling. Work on your relationship with your teen and as a result, they will tell the truth more often. Judgment is a Weakness – Having the ability to plan things out or think ahead requires full use of the prefrontal cortex of the brain, one region that is not fully developed until about age 25. This means that teens still need their parents to create boundaries, rules and limitations to help keep them safe and to make smart decisions. Parent Allergy – Psychologist Dr. Anthony Wolf, wrote about this extensively in his book Get Out of My Life: But First Can You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? Because teens need to shed their memory and perception that they were once a baby, they are in essence shedding their parents as well. That’s why they will tell you they’re embarrassed by you, annoyed with you, and don’t like spending time with you. Relax, it’ll pass. Imaginary Audience – Psychologist David Elkind published his findings in the 1970’s, that adolescents believe everyone is watching them and noticing the finest details about them. That’s why you’ll notice them freaking out about the smallest, newest pimple or changing outfits multiple times per day. Decisions Based on Emotion – Teens are emotional creatures and therefore think and react based on how they are thinking at the time. This means they need supervision and opportunities to have someone other than their parents to talk things out with to bring situations into perspective. They Crave Privacy – Based on issues with their development stage, they will do or say anything they can to convince their caregivers to give them space and privacy. Because the prefrontal cortex of the brain, which is responsible for planning and thinking things through, isn’t fully developed, caregivers must give them privacy within reason. That means monitoring or supervising are required in some capacity. Immortal – So they think they are, anyway. No matter how many times they hear news stories of their peers committing suicide or dying in accidents, they still believe that it will never happen to them. Take a look at the video games they are playing; totally realistic destruction that desensitizes them from reality. For this reason alone, we caregivers must keep their safety in mind, first and foremost, when granting freedom and setting up boundaries. Circadian Rhythm Change – Finally, a change occurs in their circadian cycle that causes them to get sleepy later and wake up later. This means that your teen is likely to be up late at night in his or her room, well after you’ve gone to bed. Removing video games, televisions and Internet enable devices from their bedrooms increases their safety and cuts down on the distractions that keep them up late at night. The problem also creates the issue of them not able to wake up on time for school.

April 9, 2015

Adolescence And Suicide

Suicide is a devastating tragedy which is a grim reality in most parts of the world. If you suspect that your adolescent is at risk get assistance from a mental health care worker as soon as possible. There are a variety of risk factors regarding the adolescent and suicide which can include some of the following: Specific characteristics of the adolescent: (for example, hyperactivity, impulsivity, ‘difficult’ temperament, and other psychiatric difficulties, such as depression) Peer relationships:(for example, if they are rejected by their peers or belong to a group of “bad company” or have poor interpersonal skills) Functioning at school: (for example, not achieving at school and failing) Cultural/Community and Societal influences: (for example, poverty, discrimination, unemployment, societal acceptance of aggression, easy access to guns and alcohol in the community, societal acceptance of violence, and exposure to violence in the community or via the media etc.) Victimisation, shame and humiliation: (for example, bullying which in this technological age takes on an additional form with the advent of the social media and easy distribution of photos etc. South Africa has unique facets that can exacerbate the problem, for example the high rate of “corrective rape” of lesbian young woman and perpetrators getting away with the crime.) Very high expectations/pressure to perform: (These high expectations can be self- imposed or they can emanate from other sources such as from within the family etc.) Poor problem solving skills and difficulty communicating their feelings. What are some of the warning signs? Depressed mood Talks about committing suicide Previous attempt at committing suicide Family dysfunction such as significant problems with a parent/s Withdrawal behaviour (withdraws from family and friends) Difficulties dealing with sexual orientation (a high percentage of this minority group have been found amongst suicide rates in adolescents) Substance Abuse (alcohol and/or drug abuse) Giving away belongings that had special meaning for them Preoccupation with violence and gory themes in TV shows, movies, internet sites etc. Having a family member or relative who committed suicide Family violence or abuse Engaging in anti-social behaviour (cruelty to animals, fire-setting, running away from home; being jailed) Isolated from family and peer group/social isolation Poor self-esteem.

March 30, 2015

The Effects Of Trauma On Children

Unfortunately, trauma is an all too common occurrence in South Africa. Trauma has many different guises and can encompass anything from criminal occurrences (such as muggings, hi-jackings, smash and grabs, house robberies etc.), natural disasters (floods, etc.) or any other unexpected event (such as witnessing or experiencing abuse, being involved in a motor vehicle accident, divorce of parents, having a family member that is ill, etc.). In addition, some children can also experience a secondary traumatization when their school peers for example, undergo a traumatic experience and re-tell the event. If parents are concerned that their child has undergone a trauma they need to be aware of some of the possible signs and symptoms of trauma: Anxiety, manifested by excessive worries and fears especially about the safety of significant others and themselves; Mood changes, such as irritability and whining; Behavioural changes, such as decreased levels of concentration and attention, withdrawal, aggression and over-activity which can adversely affect school performance; Somatic complaints, such as headaches and stomach aches etc.; Increased talk and awareness regarding death and dying; Sensitivity or a startled response to various sounds and noises; Talking about the traumatic event repeatedly as well as recreating the event via play; Regression in younger children, such as ‘wanting to be a baby’ and not performing age appropriate tasks that they were completing before such as eating by themselves, sleeping in their own beds etc. Adverse impact on issues of trust, security and safety; Symptoms of depression, such as lack of interest in usual activities and changes in sleep or appetite and withdrawal; Anger, as well as hateful statements; and Avoidance of people, places, or situations that remind them of the traumatic event. Not all children will experience trauma in the exact same way as well as manifest all the above symptoms as not all circumstances are the same for every child. In addition, children have different personalities and temperaments which affects the way they experience a traumatic event (for example, an anxious child may react differently to a laid back child if they were to experience the same trauma). Moreover, trauma can be subjective in that what is traumatic for one child may not be perceived in the same way by another child, or indeed an adult). If you are concerned about your child with regard to a trauma consult with a child psychologist who will determine the best course of action, such as play therapy or parental guidance to help you assist your child.

March 27, 2015

Tips For When Your Tween Wants To Go Out With A Group Of Friends

As children get older, the milestones don’t stop, they just get different and pull at their parents heart strings a lot more. As your children approach their teenage years they start getting more independent, they start wanting to do things on their own, be their own people. This is very difficult sometimes for parents to deal with. Allowing your child to venture out without you means you are relinquishing control, which is hard for most parents. Despite this being hard for the parents, this is a vital milestone for children to reach. Obviously in today’s world you can’t simply send them off without a care in the world. There do need to be some guidelines, rules and expectations for both you and your child. Whether it be a trip to the movies, skating rink or just a milkshake at a restaurant, keep these guidelines in mind before agreeing to let your child go. Find out who is going. Don’t assume your child will be going with their usual friends. Find out exactly who is going to be there, if there are names you don’t recognise ask who they are and where they are from. Find out exactly where they plan to go. A trip to the movies may include a stop for a coke before or a pizza afterwards. They need to supply times and places of where they are going. If for some reason they need to drive from once place to another, find out who will be driving them, offer to help out if it hasn’t been sorted out yet. Keep phone communication open. Most children have phones today, they are a privilege not a right and your child needs to understand that they have to keep in contact with you. When you send a message, they must respond and they must let you know if plans change, even if it is something as simple as changing from one restaurant to another. If possible get the number of another one of the children who are going with. Make sure they have enough money. It is fairly easy to gauge how much money they will need for their outing but make sure they either have some additional cash or at least access to it. Have an emergency plan. This may sound like an overreaction but it doesn’t need to be something that makes them feel insecure. It can be simply a plan if they get separated from their group or they are unable to contact you. Make sure they have your contact details written down somewhere safe and they know that they know where to go if they feel unsafe. Set the boundaries with your child. Let them know before they leave what behaviour is acceptable or unacceptable and they need to know the consequences. Let go. As hard as it may as their parent, it is important that you show your child that you trust them enough to let them do something like this on their own. You have equipped them with the skills they need to be able to handle themselves in a situation like this. Allow them to use those skills. Allowing children their freedom is probably harder to come to terms with than the lack of sleep in those early weeks. It is an emotional roller coaster ride for both the parents and the children but if you both know where the boundaries are and what you expect from each other it can be a positive experience for everyone.

March 11, 2015

ADD And ADHD In Adolescence

Adolescence is the period in a child’s life which is filled with much turmoil and changes. Not only are there physical changes (including hormonal) but an emotional shift where the youngster has to grapple with several of the following: Acquiring a feeling of identity (self-identity such as “who am I”; social identity such as “which group/s do I belong” and certainty about his/her own values and ideals “where am I going with my life”). In establishing an identity for themselves, the adolescent phase is characterised by experimentation and rebelliousness, which leads to conflict with parents mostly about authority and decision-making. Being acknowledged by peers as well as being accepted by them (fitting in). Concerns and worries about school, exams and careers after school. Foray into romantic relationships with accompanying insecurities etc. During a youngster’s development from childhood to adolescence it becomes common for the symptom pattern of ADD/ADHD to change, most notably by a decrease in hyperactivity. Nevertheless, difficulties with attention and impulsivity remain. It was thought that ADHD tends to “burn out” by the time children reach adolescence and rarely continues into adulthood, however research suggests that this is not the case. Other difficulties that can appear for an adolescent suffering from ADD/ADHD over and above the usual teen concerns are: Adolescents with ADHD often feel “different” from others and they may become socially isolated, especially if they are impulsive and act before they think without due consideration for the feelings of others. They may also still carry the remnants of a lowered self-esteem developed in childhood as a consequence of ADHD. Remember that children and adolescents that have been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD would have experienced the gamut of difficulties on an academic, social and personal front. Low self-esteem may lead to a teenager refusing medication, avoiding educational or other activities and be more vulnerable to peer pressure in order to fit in. They may also lack motivation as they could have internalised that they are not as competent as their peers. Difficulties with focusing, organizing and long-term planning usually pose a difficulty for the ADHD adolescent as the workload at school increases and becomes more complex. As a result adolescents may have difficulty completing tasks, taking good notes, being able to prioritize important tasks and apply adequate study methods for tests and examinations. Adolescents with ADD/ADHD are to some extent more likely to experiment with undesirable behaviours at an earlier age because of their impulsivity and not considering the consequences of their actions. Usually teenagers tend to develop new strengths that help them with decision making, consequently, their ability to think long term, resist instant gratification and regulate their own behaviour does improve. The teenagers with ADHD, however, are simply likely to lag behind in these areas. Therefore, teenagers with ADHD have much more of a harder time regulating their impulses, even when they know their behaviour is destructive. As such, impulsiveness can potentially lead to substance abuse, aggressive acting out, unprotected sex, promiscuity, reckless driving or any other high-risk activity. Like all teenagers, the need for acceptance and to “fit in” is substantial. Some teenagers with ADHD will be more at risk of becoming the “class clown” or becoming the “most rebellious” or the “outrageous” one to get some attention and acknowledgement from their peers. On the whole, ADD/ADHD is a complex disorder and usually there are accompanying conditions such as depression, learning difficulties, anger and anxiety which can affect adolescents with ADD/ADHD in widely contrasting ways. Sandton Psychology Centre has psychologists that work with adolescent difficulties and issues. It may become necessary for a parent to seek professional assistance for their teenager during this period. Adolescents will likely benefit from psychological intervention that will teach them how to deal with impulsive behaviour, difficulty with remaining focused and/or organisational skills, long-term planning and low self-esteem which are all aspects related to ADHD

March 2, 2015

The Big Issue With Self Esteem

What is all the fuss about and what can parents do to improve their children’s self-esteem? In recent years self-esteem has become a bit of a buzz word. Parents, teachers, occupational therapists, psychologists and social workers (to name a few) have all become reasonably obsessed with the concept, and near panic proportions are reached if a parent is told that their child has (gasp) POOR self-esteem! For many parents, the very thought that their child might have poor self-esteem is met with horror, severe guilt and is coupled with dire thoughts about the child’s future and whether or not he or she will ever be a success. But what is self-esteem exactly, and why is it so important? More importantly, what can parents do to ensure that children develop a healthy self-esteem? Put very simply, self-esteem is the way in which a person thinks and feels about him or herself. An individual with good self-esteem perceives herself as acceptable, competent and accomplished. A person with poor self-esteem feels unacceptable and doubts his or her ability to confront and solve problems in a masterful manner. The reason there is a big fuss about self-esteem is that it does appear linked to important things such as physical and mental health and satisfaction in life. Many studies have shown that poor self-esteem is linked to such things as low academic performance, depression, anxiety, sexual risk behaviour, drug and alcohol abuse…to name a few. It is therefore reasonably understandable that parents feel a sense of concern over the quality of their children’s self-esteem. The big question then, is WHAT CAN PARENTS DO to enhance the self-esteem of their children? The following article will answer this question, starting from the moment that an individual first becomes a parent, giving simple hints and suggestions for dealing with infants and older children alike. Infancy: The importance of a good attachment A child’s most significant relationship is usually (although not necessarily) with it’s parents. It is within the safety of this primary relationship that children start developing thoughts and feelings about themselves that are mirrored to them through the eyes of their parents. The bond between a parent and child is traditionally referred to as the ‘attachment’ between the child and it’s primary caregiver. The quality of this attachment can range on a continuum from very good, to very poor and starts developing from the moment that a child is born. Importantly, a good attachment is one of the primary foundations upon which one’s self-esteem is based. Although there is no rule book for establishing a positive attachment with one’s infant, there are a few things that parents can do to make a good attachment more likely. There are also red flags to look out for that might prevent a parent from establishing a good attachment with one’s child. Most significantly, it is critical that parents are RESPONSIVE and focussed on the needs of the child. Infants are completely dependent on their parents for protection and nourishment and are unable to meet any of their needs independently. A responsive parent is one who is reasonably in tune with their infant. As such, they are able to react quickly and accurately to the needs of the child. These needs could be physical or emotional and may include food, a clean nappy, comfort, warmth or sleep. As the child gets older and more interactive, this responsive style starts to include the child’s increasingly complex emotional experiences. It becomes important for a parent to accurately respond to both positive emotions, such as smiling back or laughing when the child smiles; or negative emotions, such as soothing a frustrated or upset infant. Red flags for parents to be aware of are any issues that prevent a parent from being able to respond to the needs of their child. These could include: post natal depression, marital conflict, alcohol or drug abuse, mental illness such as depression or anxiety, or burnout from severe work stress. Parents are advised to seek timely help from a professional if they are unable to cope with these issues on their own or with the help and support of family and friends. Consistent praise and encouragement: How it relates to self-esteem As children grow older and start talking, praise and encouragement become incredibly important for children and are a vital ingredient in promoting a healthy self-esteem. Positive feedback can relate to behaviours, but can also relate to specific aspects of a child’s character (for example, “You were so kind when you helped that little boy who fell”; “You laugh so easily, I love your sense of humour”) as well to the relationship between you and your child (“you’re my special boy”; “I love you”). In these ways, positive feedback can help a child to understand that they are loved and cherished, for specific qualities that are noticed and appreciated. Solve problems WITH your child rather than FOR them As children continue developing, their abilities become more complex and more is expected of them by society. As individuals, our ability to confront and solve problems determines much of our experience of success or failure. Children who consistently rely on parents to solve their problems for them are unlikely to feel the sense of accomplishment and pride that comes from solving their own problems. In addition, as children develop into adults, over-reliance on parents for problem solving will lead to unhealthy levels of dependence. In order to foster independence and a positive self-esteem, it is important that parents allow or assist children to solve their own problems. Problem solving refers to a variety of different situations and often involves a great deal of patience from parents. For example, it might take your child ten agonizing minutes to figure out how to use a new toy or to find the place where the puzzle piece fits in. Although you might be able to do it for your child in seconds, it is more important that you allow your child to explore

February 23, 2015

The Un-Motivated Teenager

An unmotivated teenager can be frustrating for parents and other authority figures such as teachers. In addition, the teenagers themselves are likely to suffer adverse effects and consequences due to this state of being. It has been said in jest that teens are very motivated but only at doing what they want to do. Nevertheless, when it is your teenager that is un-motivated and seemingly not interested in anything it can become an extremely distressing and stressful time for the entire family. The de-motivated and un-motivated teen commonly emerges in the academic arena first, or at least this is where the most stress emanates. This is because school and school-related activities such as studying for tests, completing homework and assignments takes up the majority of the teenagers time. However, other areas where one can see an un-motivated teen are social activities, sport and home/family commitments. Sometimes, the terms un-motivated and underachiever are used interchangeably and creates much confusion. However, there can be a clear distinction between the two which is measurable. When one looks at underachievers one has to determine the gap between their actual ability and their results at school. Their actual ability is easily measured by IQ and scholastic testing. This is an important aspect to look at as there are many facets to the discrepancy. It sometimes happens that people like parents and teachers assume that a youngster is very bright, but upon examination discover that they have very high verbal abilities, however this is not matched by their non-verbal abilities resulting in lower grades in various subjects. The true underachiever, is when a youngster is measured to be gifted or have high cognitive abilities as measured by an Intellectual test but this is doesn’t translate to their academic achievements at school. Why do some teenagers have no motivation? The reasons for an unmotivated teenager vary and include some of the following: Low self-esteem; A teen’s peer group has no ambitions and the group may promulgate an attitude that it is “un-cool” to care about school marks and achieve good grades; Does not care about the consequences of their lack of motivation; Has psychological difficulties such as depression and anxiety or other worries; Does not respect authority and not being motivated is a way to rebel; Is under too much pressure from parents and teachers to achieve; Parents want their teen to achieve their ambitions and not what the teen is interested in; Parents are too strict or too lax with expectations; Pre-occupation with family problems; What to do if you are concerned about your teen’s lack of motivation? If you are concerned about your teenager’s grades it will be prudent to have an educational assessment if your teen has not previously undergone an assessment. A full assessment will determine your teen’s learning style as well as any strengths and vulnerabilities and what can reasonably be expected from them academically. In addition, a good educational assessment will also look at a teenager’s emotional well-being to evaluate whether there are any emotional difficulties that are hampering their progress or motivation. A career assessment may be necessary if the teen does not know what he /she is going to do with their future, as they may feel “lost” and therefore un-motivated to reach their academic goals. Psychotherapy and counselling may be beneficial in terms of helping adolescents with their motivation. In addition, study skills and addressing learning styles will be beneficial in helping youngsters. (Learning styles are determined by educational assessments).

February 20, 2015

Teenager Self-Harm & Cutting

Self-harm, self-mutilation or self-injury behaviour all mean an action that is deliberate on the part of the adolescent to hurt or injure themselves. Self-harming behaviour is usually not an attempt from the adolescent to commit suicide, however does suggest that the teenager is struggling with underlying emotional issues. Depression and suicidal ideation, should however, never be discounted as for some teenagers this is a real concern. Teenagers who engage in this behaviour may partake in other risky behaviours such as alcohol and drug use. One particular phenomena related to self-harming behaviour is that is can become contagious in that it is common for teenagers to ‘copy’ or try fit in with their peers. It thus becomes ‘cool’ or trendy and self-harming behaviour can occur more prolifically when others in the peer group start engaging in this type of behaviour. There is not one particular reason why teenagers self-harm. It generally suggests emotional turmoil brought about by several factors such as the following: Inability to deal with emotional difficulties, such as relationship difficulties or problems within the family (such as not getting on with siblings, parent/s, step-parents etc.); Feelings of distress, anger, frustration, guilt Feelings of having ‘no control’ over their lives; Poor self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness; Clinical disorders such as depression, anxiety or obsessive compulsive disorder; Inability to deal with stress; Feelings of pressure (academics, sports or from peers); Inability to express feelings in a healthy way; Loneliness and feelings of isolation; Wanting the attention of people who can help them; Spending with time with individuals who self-harm; and History of abuse or of having experienced a traumatic event. Self-injury can become addictive and progressively serious. Teenagers who self-harm have difficulty asking for help. It is therefore important for caregivers and teachers to look out for this behaviour and seek the help of a psychologist.

February 17, 2015

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