Parenting - Parenting Hub

Advice from the experts

What happens when you can’t sound out a word?

“Help Mom, I am stuck on this word?” What is your first reaction, “just sound it out”. Good advice? Actually, not that good. Sounding it out is not always the best strategy for figuring out a word. Learning to read individual words is hard work and not always as easy as parents may think. There are words that a child can memorize: these are called sight words. But there are a whole lot more words that children have to decode or figure out. So what should a parent do when their child comes across a word he doesn’t know or may have seen it once or twice but has not committed to memory yet? Tell them to sound it out, NOT ALWAYS. I am not saying phonics is not useful. It is imperative that children know their letters and the sounds they make, but as a strategy or way to figure out unfamiliar words it doesn’t always work. I suggest you read on and see how many more strategies you can try use to help your child attack those tricky words. Here are some more useful word attack strategies: Picture clues – ‘look at the picture; it will help you figure out this tricky word.’ Beginning Sounds – look at the first letter together, ‘do you know that letter, do you know a word that starts with that letter, what sound does it make’? Chunking – ‘can you find a small word in this big word?’ Let’s read that small word. Cover the first part of the word, read, cover the last part of the word and read. Now put the words together and read’ Context – Use the meaning of the sentence to try figure out the unfamiliar word, e.g. “Peter is reading the ……. Answer: book”. Let your child predict or ‘guess’ the word ‘book’ based on the context of the sentence. Helpful Hint: build vocabulary to maximize this strategy. Stretching the word – ‘use your finger as you try read the word. Look at it slowly’ Rhyming – ‘this word is tricky but it does rhyme with another word on this page. Can you read this word (parent points to other rhyming word), well done, now swop the first letter and read the other word. They rhyme, well done, can you hear the rhyme.’ Go over the rhyming set together to practice. Use the squiggles around the words as clues (Literacy conventions = question mark and capital letters) e.g. if there is a question mark at the end of the sentence, the unfamiliar word could be ‘what’ ‘where’ ‘how’ ‘when’ or ‘why’; if there is a capital letter in the middle of the sentence the unfamiliar word could be a name of a person/place ) Miss it out and come back – ‘this word is tricky, leave it out for now and keep on reading. Come back to this tricky word once you have finished reading the sentence.’ Ask someone – do not let your child struggle too much, encourage him to ask for HELP if he can’t figure it out. Helpful Hint: It takes practice to use these strategies, so give help as it is required, however, instead of just giving the answer straight away model a strategy your child can use and read it together using this strategy. As children gain confidence they will use a strategy on their own next time. Keep a balance of you helping your child and your child helping himself! It needs to sense – ‘Did that sentence make sense?’ Repeat the sentence to your child using his mistake let him tell you which word doesn’t sound right. ‘As you read this time listen to your words and make sure they make sense’. Helpful Hint: this is a fairly advanced strategy, comes with lots of practice. Keep modeling it as the fluent reader. Try these out; you will be surprised as to how well they work. I call it giving your kid a READING TOOLBOX. Best thing you can do for your beginner reader. Actually it’s the second best thing, the BEST THING you can do for your beginner reader is read to/with or him every day.

February 25, 2014

What is the right age for chores?

Parents have many questions about assigning children household chores. As children, some parents were assigned heavy chores, some were paid for them to be done, and others had no prescribed chores. When two adults come together as parents but were raised with differing points of view on chores, they may become confused and unable to agree, and the child suffers. Sometimes, I’m asked, “At what age should children be expected to start doing chores around the house?” Many parents want to begin teaching their children responsibility and are eager to get them started. They are also not sure what are age-appropriate chores for the different age groups? Children should be expected to begin helping around the house whenever they are ready to do so. Regardless of the exact procedures used, parents should create an atmosphere in the family that encourages everyone to clean up after themselves and contribute to an organized home. Also remember to be gentle with your children’s performance while they are learning and not focus too much on perfection. Children who are constantly corrected become discouraged and eventually give up. They many not say “No” to doing their chores but may express it in other ways through their actions.Children 3 to 5 should be introduced to the concept of helping with tasks, not taking on chores, based on the concept of being helpful and encouraging them to feel like important members of the family. But parents shouldn’t expect them to take on consistent responsibilities. Preschoolers are still in a mode of discovery and experimentation for learning. Some suggested tasks for helping are: Pushing in chairs, washing the baby, and carrying the diaper bag. Be careful not to create schedules or routines with them. At first they may want to help to show they are big boys or girls, but can easily become frustrated or overwhelmed and give up. Go easy on them and be patient when they don’t cooperate. At about age 6, children are usually ready to play a bigger role in the family by helping out with official chores. Start with smaller and easy-to-accomplish assignments; putting them on a visual chore chart will help develop routines and habits. Once new chores are mastered, use family meetings to add new ones gradually.

February 23, 2014

Responsibility comes with practice

Chewing gum with mouths wide open, speaking on cell phones loudly in public places, forgetting to say please or thank you, disrespecting elders and wearing clothing that leaves little to the imagination. Sounds scary when you think that this could be your child one day! Today, there is wide recognition that because of our busy modern lifestyles, children are not given enough opportunity to learn how to be responsible whilst they are young. Before the age of 6, the ability to mould young minds is greatest and laying the foundation for being responsible is the easiest. Building confidence in young children should be a priority as this is the key to being assertive, making good choices and displaying overall positive behaviour. Naturally as a parent, you want your children to learn to feel, think, and act with respect not only for themselves but especially for other people. So how do you teach responsible behaviour to your children? Responsibility or a lack thereof is learnt through the senses and through imitating adults. Especially when they are young, your children learn best about responsibility in concrete situations. The best way to encourage your children to become responsible is for you to use everyday teachable moments which engage them in positive behaviour, which is then rewarded by positive praise. Habits are acquired by doing the same thing over and over again. So, if good attitudes and behaviour are not learned repetitively, problems can arise with bad consequences when they are older. Laying the foundation for responsible living should be done through the consistent repetition of positive behaviour. Sometimes, your child may make mistakes or be cheeky and rude but by giving them unconditional support based on you being their role model will leave them feeling safe and empowered to lead responsible lives.

February 23, 2014

14 Days for Loving Your Child

FEB 1: HIDE LOVE NOTES OR SURPRISES – Toddlers to teens love to be surprised. Hide a small valentine, an encouraging note, or a small valentine chocolate somewhere for them to find each day leading up to Valentine’s Day. Get creative and mix it up. You could also leave a note each day in one place that contains clues to helping them find what you’ve hidden. FEB 2: READ A SPECIAL BOOK – Find a child’s illustrated book that sends a message of love and commit to reading it to your children every night, leading up to Valentine’s Day. My favorite is the book LOVE YOU FOREVER by Robert Munsch and illustrated by Sheila McGraw. It sends the message that I’ll always love you unconditionally, no matter how you behave and well into your adult years. FEB 3: PLAN A PARTY – Help your child plan a V-Day party with all of their friends. For one activity at the party, provide a personalized mailbox (or bag) for each child. On blank slips of paper, have each child write down words that describe what they like about each of the other kids, one child per slip of paper. They will deposit them in each others’ mailboxes. FEB 4: BE AFFECTIONATE WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER – Teach your children about love by expressing love for your significant other in front of them. Children who have healthy models of affection around them are likely to recreate in their adulthood what they witnessed as children. When your significant other and you argue or fight in front of the children, be sure and let the kids see the two of you makeup. FEB 5: SCHEDULE A DATE – Schedule a special Valentine date with each of your children. Put it on your calendar and tell your child so they will have something to look forward to. Scheduling in these dates ahead of time ensures they will happen. Then everything else that is less important can fill in around them. Why not schedule a date with your significant other as well? Do this every Sunday night for the week to come. FEB 6: FRAME A PICTURE OF THE TWO OF YOU – Take a picture of you and your child, frame it, and then give it to your child to put in his or her room on the dresser or night table. If you have more than one child, create one for each of them. For an older child, put a picture of the two of you in a locket that the child can wear. This will also help calm a child who feels anxious when being away from the parent. FEB 7: THE ENCOURAGEMENT FEAST – Use the ENCOURAGEMENT FEAST exercise with your family. Each person takes a turn in the center of the circle, facing each person who states one thing they love about the person in the center. Before the person in the center steps back into the circle, they must state one thing they love about them self. Then someone else steps into the circle. See the video FEB 8: GIVE 100% OF YOUR ATTENTION – When your child approaches you to get your attention, stop what you’re doing, get to your child’s eye level, silence your mind-chatter, and remain completely quiet while your child speaks. Nothing feels better to a child (or an adult) who has something to say, than the sense of getting 100% of that adults attention in that moment. FEB 9: MOVIE NIGHT – Have a movie night with your child(ren), complete with big pillows to snuggle up with and a big bowl of popcorn. The one difference in making this night special is that the movie being featured will be the home movies you have of your child(ren)! FEB 10: CRAFT PROJECT– Using a family meeting, have everyone create a craft project that represents love to them. Provide a wide selection of contraction paper and craft supplied and allow your children to create whatever comes to mind. Put the creations on display for everyone to see and enjoy, and photograph them to look at for many year to come. FEB 11- SHARE HOW YOU LOVE YOURSELF– Create teachable moments with your child when they are open to learning, by explain (and demonstrating) what you dod to love yourself. This might be a tough exercise for some, but teaching a child to love himself starts by setting a healthy example they can use. FEB 12- MAILBOXES– In a family meeting have everyone make and decorate a mailbox using any household craft item. On slips of paper, have everyone write short love notes to everyone at the table as a practice run and then insert them in the appropriate mailboxes. Have everyone hang their mailboxes on their bedroom door knobs, for accepting mail whenever someone desires to write a note. FEB 13- FIND OUT WHAT MAKES THEM FEEL LOVED: Ask your child what he likes others to do or for him that makes him feel loved. Dr. Gary Chapman, in his book the five love languages of children, explains how each individual feels loved in different ways; receiving gifts, hearing words of affirmation, acts of kindness, or touch. Ask your child which one makes him feel love. FEB 14: COMPOSE A POEM FOR YOUR CHILD: Compose a poem about your child or describe how much you love her. Print it off on special preprinted paper with a border that can be purchased at office supply stores. Frame it and hang it on your child’s bedroom wall. You could even include the child’s picture or her foot or handprints if you had done them earlier. Sign it and read it to her nightly.

February 3, 2014

10 Parenting Resolutions for the New Year

Become Aware Of Moments Of Frustration Getting frustrated is a part of being human. When your child is not being cooperative or your multiples are engaging in sibling rivalry, it is easy to let your frustration flare up and control your next words or actions. Just once, take notice of a moment of frustration and focus on how it feels. Pause, don’t speak or act. Relax your entire body and allow it to pass before moving forward. See Your Child’s Resistances As A Wake Up Call When your child resists your requests, he may be trying to tell you that he’s had it with your commands and demands. Children crave power and being heard and seen in the family. When they are constantly being ordered around, they begin to resist. He could be trying to tell you that he feels disconnected from you. Use his resistance as a “check in” on the relationship. Have you been spending enough quality time with him, in which you’ve been listening more than talking? Become More Proactive Instead Of Reactive Setting rules and limits in advance is necessary for teaching children about boundaries, respect, and safety. They work best when established in advance respectfully, and engaging your child to help you in creating them motivates her to acknowledge them and follow through. Keeping limits and boundaries in place may require posting them for all to see and reviewing them frequently, but don’t overdo it. Speak Respectfully Of The Child’s Other Parent We all hope our child will grow up to become a person of integrity and they’re more likely to do so if we give them a model to learn from. Whether you’re separated, going through a divorce, or just mad at your spouse, commit to always speaking respectfully about that other parent in the presence of your child. Your child still sees them as their parent, regardless of the issue you may have with that other adult. See Your Child As A Good Child And Not Bad Adults who take my 3-week parenting class quickly learn that their children are not bad. Instead, their children have what’s known as “learned behaviors” that can be difficult to deal with. Some of the behaviors can also be coping skills. A few changes in a parent’s discipline toolbox can make all the difference in the world. Don’t be angry with your child; be patient and kind and open to learning. Catch Your Child Behaving And Acknowledge Them For It We’re so good at noticing and confronting misbehavior, but reinforcing GOOD behavior is far more powerful. Unfortunately, when our children are behaving our attention is allowed to focus on the other stressful things we have to do in our adult life. Slow down and begin looking for appropriate behavior in your children and make a big deal of it. Say to them, “I love it when you play nicely with your sister!” Give Your Child Advance Notices Of A Transition Often Younger children live only in the moment and have great difficulty seeing beyond NOW. Because of that, they don’t transition well without advanced warnings. Visual timers and visual schedules are incredibly effective at helping children to transition because they enable the child to see how much time is passing and the activities that are planned next. Avoid demanding and commanding and use one of these tools. Make More Emotional Deposit Than Withdrawals In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, author Stephen R. Covey urges parents to make more deposits than withdrawals in their children’s emotional bank accounts. The result will be greater cooperation and less misbehavior. Examples of deposits include encouraging words, acts of kindness, and demonstrations of love. What deposits have you made in your children’s EBAs this past month? See A Misbehavior In Your Child As A Desire For Some Need A mother noticed that her little son was drawing on walls and other surfaces more and more. She tried every discipline technique she could but his drawings continued. Finally, she went out and purchased a drawing easel and a colorful set of markers and crayons. The boy began to draw amazing pictures on his easel pad and no longer defaced other surfaces. Take a closer look at behaviors that may actually be needs in disguise. Help Your Child Move Closer Toward Their Purpose In Life Some believe that each of us was placed on this earth by a greater power to achieve some sense of purpose before we leave. Effective parenting means more than just trying to get through each day, but instead, also helping our children to hear the voice inside of them that guides them to find that purpose on schedule. Minimize the “noise” around her so she will hear and follow that voice over her lifetime.

January 8, 2014

How to End Childhood Swearing

There is a tried and true psychological principle that says, “Notice something you don’t like about your child, show some emotion, and the problem is guaranteed to get worse.” Childhood swearing is a good example. Nowhere do we see this phenomenon more evident than when parents hear their little cherub utter one of the dreaded four-letter words. Many parents react with a variety of emotions ranging from shock, to out and out adult temper tantrums complete with threats. A normal child has to witness this parental display with utter fascination. “Wow. Look at my folks now. I haven’t generated this much household excitement in a long time. I know exactly how to push their buttons. Television can’t compete with this!” Many people believe some severe punishment for swearing will put an end to it. However, punishment doesn’t work because the parent’s attention is the ultimate reward. Punishment added to parental exasperation is intoxicating for the average kid. Here are some real-world techniques to end these word battles: 1. Focus on the location of the word instead of the badness of the word. Talk with your kids about situations when these words are and are not acceptable. Consistently react to swearing with, “Is this the right place for that word? Thank you.” Some effective parents say, “How sad. There’s someone in your mirror who enjoys those words. Why don’t you go to your room and have a talk with that person.” 2. Use the Love and Logic® “Energy Drain” technique. “Oh, listening to words like that drains my energy. Give me a little while to think of some ways you can put that energy back in me.” Say these words with the all the appropriate body language of a person who is becoming exhausted. Later say, “I think if you did some of my housework it might restore some of that energy I lost listening to your swearing. Thanks.” This worked for one mom who told me about her 6-year-old son who brought home some bad language from school. She dramatically held her head, sat down, and said, “Energy Drain,” each time he said one of those words. She was unable to do things for him until he had restored her energy by doing some of her chores. His swearing soon faded away. One day as she was driving him to school another driver cut her off. Before she could catch herself, she blasted the other driver with a few choice four-letter words. The moment those words slipped out, she realised her son was in the back seat hearing every word. As she looked in the rearview mirror, she saw his hand go to his head and heard him say, “Energy Drain.” She was shocked. This wise mother stopped the car, looked at her wonderful son, and asked, “Do you think an ice-cream cone would put some energy back in you?” “Maybe,” he sniffed. As they sat in the ice-cream shop he looked at his mom and, with the most drained expression, said, “Mom. You said three bad words. My energy was really drained. I think I’ll feel better after two more ice cream cones.” By Jim Fay

January 1, 2014

Three Myths About the Brain

Brain Myth #1: You only use 10 percent of your brain. The 10 percent myth has been around for a long time. Many people have jumped on the idea, writing books and selling products that claim to harness the power of the other 90 percent. Believers in psychic abilities such as ESP point to it as proof, saying that people with these abilities have tapped into the rest of their brains. It is not certain how this falsehood began, but it has been strengthened over the past century by misinterpretations of neuroscience discoveries and unsubstantiated quotes by both scientists and laypeople alike. The truth is that we use virtually all of our brain every day. Brain scans have shown that no matter what we’re doing, our brains are always active. Some areas are more active at any one time than others, but unless we have brain damage, there is no one part of the brain that is absolutely not functioning. Brain Myth #2: A person’s personality displays a right-brain or left-brain dominance. You’ve heard this before, right? The left hemisphere of the brain is good with logic, math, reasoning, etc. The right hemisphere is artistic, visual and imaginative. This concept is based on work by Roger W. Sperry who studied patients with “split brains” (a severed corpus callosum, the structure that connects the two brain hemispheres). But it’s important to remember that in healthy people the two brain hemispheres are well-connected. The fictional doctor Gregory House called the corpus callosum that joins the hemispheres the “George Washington Bridge” of the brain, and in most of what we do, the hemispheres operate together, sharing information across this bridge. The left-brained/right-brained idea is pop psychology, based on a little fact, and then exaggerated to oversimplify and make an interesting story. The two hemispheres do have slightly different specializations, but they actually work together. “The notion that someone is ‘left-brained’ or ‘right-brained’ is absolute nonsense,” according to a scientist at Scienceblogs.com. “All complex behaviors and cognitive functions require the integrated actions of multiple brain regions in both hemispheres of the brain. All types of information are probably processed in both the left and right hemispheres (perhaps in different ways, so that the processing carried out on one side of the brain complements, rather than substitutes, that being carried out on the other). “There are some functional asymmetries in the brain, and it is true that certain regions of both hemispheres are specialized for particular functions. Speech illustrates this, but also shows that nothing is ever so simple when it comes to the brain: in most right-handed people, speech is processed in both hemispheres, but predominantly in the left. In some left-handers, speech is processed either predominantly in the right hemisphere or on both sides.” Brain Myth #3: Brain damage is always permanent. It used to be believed that each person was born with a finite number of brain cells, so if you damaged any of them you operated on a deficit for the rest of your life. Less than 20 years ago, even major players in the neuroscience community believed that the brain could not generate new cells. Similarly, many scientists believed that the brain was unalterable; once it was “broken,” it could not be fixed. But recent discoveries have convinced most scientists to think differently. Evidence now shows that the brain remains “plastic” throughout life: it can rewire or change itself in response to new learning. Under certain circumstances, the brain can even create new cells through a process called neurogenesis. Many of these newborn cells die shortly after their birth. In fact, more die than survive. To live and become part of the working brain, a new neuron needs not only support from neighboring glial cells and nutrients from blood, but also, and more important, connections with other neurons. Without these connections, neurons wither and die. Research to date suggests that the most active area of neurogenesis is the hippocampus, a region deep within the brain involved in learning and memory. Research has shown that thousands of new cells are produced in the hippocampus each day, although many die within weeks of their birth.

December 17, 2013

10 Ways to Teach Your Children the True Meaning of the Holidays

For the month of December, whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Yule, Pancha Ganapti, Boxing Day, Bodhi Day or some other winter celebration, here are ten things you can do to teach your children the true meaning of the holidays and celebrate with them. BAKE HOLIDAY COOKIES FROM SCRATCH AND DECORATE THEM. A quick search on the Web can dig up all sorts of holiday cookie recipes. Avoid the “easy cookie kits” and allow your child to help you make them from an old-fashioned recipe and decorate them with your holiday’s symbols. CONSTRUCT A UNIQUE ADVENT CALENDAR YOUR CHILDREN WILL LOVE. Children (and teens!) love to open each window of an advent calendar and some can be costly. Hang 24 tiny bags from a garland stretched across a doorway, each containing a small prize or a note hinting at a place hidden somewhere in the house. (see our article on Christmas Crafts for the Whole Family) HOLIDAY CARDS WITH YOUR CHILDREN’S HAND PRINT. Their hands are only going to be small for a short time. Use nontoxic finger paints to allow them to decorate homemade holiday greeting cards and encourage them to use only palm, finger and thumb prints. They will create memorable keepsakes relatives will hang on to for many holidays to come. DECORATE YOUR HOLIDAY’S CENTER WITH YOUR CHILD. Some families have a Christmas tree, candle center piece or tabletop decorated with precision. Consider setting your perfection aside and allowing your children to participate in its decoration or creation. Including your children in decorating will make the holiday remarkable for them for years to come. READ TRADITIONAL HOLIDAY STORIES. Story telling is an oral tradition that dates back to ancient times. Recreate this lost art by reading or telling the traditional stories of the holidays of your heritage or of your family. CULL OUT AND DONATE TOYS. Keeping bedrooms and playrooms organized can be stressful for parents, so decide to reduce the amount of toys you would normally hide under the tree at Christmas or give to your children on January 1st for Kwanzaa. Lead an activity with your children before the holidays to thin out the toys they do have by encouraging them to donate some of their existing toys to a charitable organization that accepts gently used toys for those in need. ADOPT A CHILD NEEDING A GIFT. Many organizations collect requests from low-income parents who are unable to provide gifts for their children for the holidays. They then present these requests (sometimes called the “Family Giving Tree”) at their place of business to allow adults or families to “adopt” a child and purchase an unwrapped gift for them. Have your family adopt one of these children and shop with your children for that adopted child. (You can help by adopting a TrashCanKidz doll, a percentage of the funds go to aiding street children in South Africa or by purchasing a Brain Boosters education set for a child in need) SING HOLIDAY CELEBRATION SONGS AT AN ELDER-CARE FACILITY. There are many elderly adults who reside at elder care facilities who do not have family to spend the holiday with. Consider visiting such a facility to spread holiday cheer or sing carols or other songs to bring the holiday to them. VOLUNTEER AT A SOUP KITCHEN OR FOOD DONATION CENTER. Nothing teaches children empathy around the holidays more than leading them in some sort of service or act of kindness for those less fortunate. Seek out your local soup kitchen or other such facility and volunteer to serve others. BRING A PREPARED MEAL TO AN ELDERLY NEIGHBOUR. If you look around your own neighborhood, you may have an elderly person living on their own who gets few visitors. Have your children participate in preparing a meal and delivering it and serving them in person. We led our children doing such a thing and the act left a lasting memory for all 3 of our children.

December 8, 2013

My Son Wants to Quit an Activity… Should I Force Him to Play?

This was the question I received from a mother who told me that her son suddenly wanted to quit the sports team he was on, right in the middle of the season. She asked me if she should allow him to quit or force him to continue. I suggested that she have him finish out the season by attending the games to support his team, but not force him to play. After sitting on the bench for a few games, he suddenly wanted back on the team. Understanding why your child’s sudden decision is important but is not always easy to figure out. Asking him why may only result in the response “I don’t Know.” A child’s or teen’s sudden desire to quit a team can be a result of a number of things; a peer relationship issue, bullying, a fear of failing, competition, a lack of confidence or sights set on another activity that he or she likes better. It can even be a result of a change in the family dynamics, such as the loss of a parent or other family member, or even divorce. It’s not always best to force a child to participate, but instead, find out what he or she is willing to do within the activity for the remainder of the season. Take notice of when your child is in a great mood and ask open ended questions about the situation to get him or her to open up and talk about it. Give them some space and time to mull it over and avoid drilling them to find out why. One day my tween-age son announced that he wanted to quit the school marching band (he had been playing since third grade and had held first chair for the past few years). He came in, tossed his trumpet in the case into the closet, and declared that he didn’t want to play in the band anymore and marched off. I was not happy about this since we had recently upgraded his trumpet to a much more expensive SILVER trumpet, at his request. I did not respond to his declaration but later that day tried to engage him in conversation about why he had made that decision. His response with full disdain was that the trumpet was a stupid instrument. He then asked if he could get a set of drums. I told him that I was into the silver trumpet for quite a bit of money and because of what I paid out for it, I might be willing to consider buying a different instrument in about two years. That response got him mad. So for the next few days he left for school without taking his trumpet to school. I said nothing about it, but on a few occasions I again tried to engage him in conversation about why he was no longer playing his trumpet. On each of those occasions he offered up a different excuse; the teacher was stupid, the trumpet was dumb, etc. Then, on the last day that he could not bring his trumpet to school without being removed from the band, he took the trumpet to school. I was relieved that he was back playing the trumpet in the school band. What I later found out as the reason for this sudden dislike for an instrument he loved so much, was that he become careless and lost first chair. If I had forced him to bring the trumpet to school, he might have retaliated in other ways and may have never owned up to the real problem. If I had been one of those parents that did go out and buy him the drums, again, he may have been unable to learn what he needed to learn about himself and the consequences of not working hard. Giving children space and time to learn from experiences is key to their emotional development.

November 19, 2013

Are you raising a brat?

Every child is born a loving , gentle individual and every child is prone to bratty behavior at some phase of childhood. For those parents who are unsure if your child is going through a phase or has simply become a brat, here are some tell tale signs to help you identify if you are raising a brat …… Crying or yelling – your child may resort to crying or yelling when they want something. This could be because they may not possess an inside voice or be able to convey a request without yelling, which often result in the slightest of issues like eating supper or bedtime become a crying or yelling match. This however does not mean that they are becoming a brat… it is important however to teach your child vocalize correctly when they are wanting something. Tantrums – Children are all masters at throwing tantrums, leaving no place nor person spared from the effects of a tantrum. At first glance it could appear that your child is throwing a temper tantrum, however there are times when they are simply having a meltdown and this is very different. A temper tantrum is thrown because your child feels the need to control a situation or to use it as a power play to get what they want. A meltdown, is a tantrum thrown, when your child feels overwhelmed by their emotions, environment or sensations around them. These meltdowns safe guard your child and are the manifestation of uncertainty and fear. In both cases, these need to be addressed and handled with care. Often times when a parent fails to acknowledge the temper tantrum the child will resort to different means of communicating what their “wants” are and is important that you as the parent explain to the child that their behaviour is unacceptable. When your child has a melt-down it is important to acknowledge their feelings or anxiety at the time and help resolve the true matter at hand. Physical violence – Punishment and not giving in to demands will be seen by your child as opposition and they will lash out by means of hitting, punching, pushing, kicking, biting or throwing items. Your child may have learnt that by causing physical pain others will result in them achieving their desired result. We as parents, must address this issue at the time that it occurs and ensure that the child knows that their behaviour is not acceptable. More often than not, these sorts of behaviour are picked up by those around him either within the home or at school. Ignoring commands – Child who will ignore or “tune out” when spoken to. These children often refuse to comply with the request or command you have given them. These children may find themselves in trouble at school often, this behaviour occurs most when the parents are around. This occurs because the child knows that they can “play up” and the parent will react in the manner the child wants. Rude and ill mannered – Children who are rude to adults and even to other children, combined with the displaying of bad manners and speaking with disrespect to other. It is important to remember that your child did not suddenly wake up one morning speaking this way, this is skill that your child has learnt through the behaviour that has been observed around him. Children learn by example and those who are around people, who treat with respect and talk within a decent tone to others, in order to achieve their goals, often don’t find themselves in these sorts of situations. Non -sharing – Children who refuse to share with others, this can be for toys, food or attention often can become hoarders and will go so far as to snatch items from others. Sharing is an important skill for your child to learn. It is vital that your child understands that although they will be sharing a particular item or attention that the item remains their own. This is often brought on by insecurity that your child is feeling within their world. By explaining the process of “what happens next”, once they have handed the toy over to their playmate reduces the chances of your child developing a problem with sharing. It is also important to note that your child will need reminders about sharing and that this skill does take some time to develop. Not obeying rules– Children who believe that they are right and entitled to what they want at all times. These children do not see the need to conform to the families rules and often this later becomes societies rules. Your child will test your boundaries at some point or another. By you and your partner working as a team to show your child that the rules of the house are important you can rectify this behaviour. More often than not children will begin to conform if no other behaviour is accepted within the household. Children are constantly learning in the early phases of life. This means that by displaying the correct behaviour that you would like your child to exhibit, will often result in the angel that you always dreamt of having. Do not underestimate the power of friends influencing from a young age and try to ensure that your child is spending time with the right people from a young age. This will ensure that fewer bad decisions are made later in the teen years when it comes to them picking their friends.

November 13, 2013

How is your child sleeping? Give him the gift of a Good Night’s Sleep!

Sleep. We all need it, and we don’t know how important it is until we can’t get enough of it? Are you a mother? Then you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. Can you still remember what it feels like to look into your partner’s eyes? To have time to read a magazine, take a long bath and just generally have a life? Or are you constantly on pyjama drill? Wondering when this “punishment of motherhood” will end. Sleep is vital for all humans to be healthy: it’s when we recharge so we’re at our personal best. Bad sleeping habits it linked to obesity, poor performance, ADHD, car accidents… you name it! If your child isn’t sleeping well, you’re likely not to either and this could be detrimental to your health as well as your child’s! However, if addressed early on, sleep problems can be overcome. The bad news is bad sleepers do not just “grow out of it”. But the good news is there is a lot you can do about it! Here are a few myths about sleep that you need to be aware of: Myth #1 ~ All soothers are good for my child’s sleeping habits. Unfortunately not all soothers (be is dummy’s, taglet blankets, mommy’s fingers, milk) is good for your child’s sleeping habits. It depends on your child’s age and tendency’s, but chances are that he can use some of these to aid him/herself in falling asleep which never teaches him the skill to self sooth. Myth #2 ~ The later I put my child in bed and the more tired he gets during the day, the better he will sleep. Actually it works the other way around. The better rested your child is, and putting him/her to bed at an appropriate bed time, actually makes them sleep better and longer. Myth #3 ~ Some children are just bad sleepers and they will grow out of it eventually. Did you know that studies have shown that adults who tend to have insomnia and bad sleeping habits were actually bad sleepers as children? Sleeping is actually a skill we need to teach our children, just like walking, eating and drinking. Your child will not grow out of it! The earlier you address it the better! Myth #4 ~ I can wait to start teaching my child the skills to sleep when he is older or on solids. The fact of the matter is that we as parents interfere with our children’s healthy development of good sleep cycles. There is so much that we can do better from the day they are born to implement healthy sleep associations and awake-sleep cycles. Myth #5 ~ The only way I can teach my child to self sooth is to leave him to cry-it-out. Teaching your child to self sooth is not just a matter of leaving him to cry. There is so much that you can do as parent to follow a structured sleep plan that will give your child’s this skill. Sleep is influenced by so many things; stimulation, routine, feeding habits, bedtime, health, discipline, and a trained professional can help you to implement changes in your child’s life that learn him the art to self sooth. Remember that crying is your child’s way of protesting change, and not all crying is bad. Myth #6 ~ It is selfish of me to want to have my child sleep through the night. Remember that teaching your child self soothing strategies are not about you! Consolidated, uninterrupted 11/12 hours of sleep is what your child needs. By taking the necessary steps to achieve restful, consolidated sleep for your child you will be giving them a skill they will carry with them throughout their lives. And this is truly a gift.

November 4, 2013

Dealing with an anxious child

At some stage of childhood all children may become anxious or nervous due to new situations , change in routines or simply because of the over stimulation of a world that is far to large and confusing for them to comprehend. These anxieties are often debilitating and leave your child feeling vulnerable and afraid. What is anxiety? Anxiety is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure , fear of not knowing. Never belittle a child’s fears because although there is usually no immediate threat to your child they believe their fears are real. Some signs that your child may be anxious could include any of the following : A child who becomes overly clingy, impulsive, or distracted. New nervous movements ( twitches, excessive hand wringing , blinking) Disturbed sleeping patterns, either not able to sleep or sleeping longer than usual, or nightmares. Sweating hands, dizziness, accelerated heart rate and breathing or the inability to breathe. Feeling nauseous. Complaining of headaches or stomachaches. The most effective way of helping an anxious child is to: Understanding anxiety – Taking the time to recognise and explain your child’s anxieties , allows them to know that anxiety is not a negative emotion. Rather it is our bodies way to safe guard us from what we fear or what may hurt us. Prepare and plan – Always try to be that one step ahead, discuss where you going , what the area looks like, what they need to do. Recently , while on holiday , my 17 year old son who has Aspergers, was asked to pay the parking meter. Totally unsure of the practice he went into anxiety overdrive. Calmly explaining each step to him , the hurdle was overcome and he was quite happy to pay the meter . Encourage with positive words – Positivity and choice of words greatly affect your child’s anxiety. By reinforcing positive statements you not only encourage , reassure but also develop a healthy self esteem. Role play –Role play can be very effective , especially in small children. This allows them to go through the motions of something they have never done and are unsure of what it entails or what role they are to play. Coping techniques – Teaching your child some coping techniques, such as breathing deeply or using a stress ball, ensure that your child knows their emotions have been understood and that they have your support to overcome their fears. It also gives them a control over their fears. Support – Always listen to your child. They are anxious for a reason . Stay at the extra mural , walk them to school, hold their hand a little longer. We are our children’s safety nets and here to guide them through the unknown and fearful. While most children experience relatively mild forms of anxiety, some may suffer from more serious anxiety disorders that require treatment. Always consult your paediatrician if you feel your child’s anxiety may be controlling their day to day functioning.

October 29, 2013

The guilt-hood of a single mom

Flying solo can sound wonderful, and as you adjust to a new lifestyle , new surroundings and new friends the world can become quite the adventure . The kids seem happy, you’ve consulted the right counselors , read all the books , crossed the T’s and dotted all the I’s and then it hits …. Guilt! Deep rooted , gut wrenching guilt. A vicious combination of fear of failure , worry over not doing the best for your child , concern about their emotions , the guilt of the physiological impact on their innocent lives and if you don’t have your children live with you , a gnawing pain and ache that you are not an active , everyday part of their lives . Layers and layers of guilt forming a void of negativity and self doubt. So , how does a single parent minimize the layers of guilt? With love , humour and the 5 steps below :- Be your own inspiration – For the days, and there will be many, that seem to have attacked straight out of the guilt hood matrix , we just have to grab that lip gloss, take a look in the mirror and be inspired by our own “momabilities” to overcome, endure and do the best we can. Focus on the good – Staying positive will get you over most of the self induced moment of mommy guilt. By changing the way we view a problem we change our approach to it. It takes some practice and a few slapped on smiles, but positivity is infectious. Celebrate the small things – Celebrate every accomplishment ,no matter how small or insignificant. By enjoying a full active life with our children and appreciating the time, we reduce the layers of guilt we wrap around ourselves. Stop being so hard on yourself – My friend, Julie, says “moms are often too hard on themselves”. We are ! Our responsibility is towards ourselves , children , partners, work and home. We take it all on. All good moms just soak in the bath of despair if we cant fix, solve, sort, organize and run our families with our own illusions of perfection. My little girl reminded me “mom, you perfect because you love us”. So, I can’t be doing everything wrong. Support systems rock – Surround yourself with people who have your best interests at heart. Those who support and encourage. And don’t forget the good friend who will let you cry, vent and laugh over a glass of red and a box of chocolates. So when that guilt hits like a landslide of failure, grab your heels, add a smile, a dash of “momability” and remind yourself that you are doing the best you can.

October 12, 2013

Make time for National Bullying Prevention Month

Bullying can take many forms between young kids as well as with older teenagers. It can involve verbal or physical taunts hurled offline in school playgrounds or locker rooms. Or it can be more menacing, with overt threats to one’s safety. The Stop Bullying site defines bullying as unwanted, aggressive behavior, involving a range of verbal bullying, social bullying and physical bullying. Each of these behaviors evolve from an unbalanced and unnecessary power imbalance. More often in our mobile tech age, however, bullying takes its form online called cyberbullying. This online form of taunts, abuse and threatening behavior can be a terrible experience for a child. Children who get attacked from online cyberbullies can suffer from self-image issues or struggle with social interactions. Other symptoms include insecurity and depression that can arise from cyberbullying tactics. These attacks can affect school performance, too. October is National Bullying Prevention Awareness Month, and parents and teachers will shift its focus to eliminating bullying from classrooms, playgrounds and digital outlets. Finding good sites online for parents can help with tips and activities to highlight the awareness. Activities include suggesting various media guidelines to reporters covering cyberbullying, youth engagement events and social media awareness online. With more kids and teens on the Web for entertainment and knowledge, cyberbullying is taking center stage. One of the activities planned for the month falls on October 9th — it’s Unity Day, sponsored by Pacer.org. On this day, students can come together with teachers and administrators to show their colors for unity, in this case, orange. Downloadable fliers and wrist bands for unifying the students on Unity Day can be used to broaden support against cyberbullying. Students who have been victims of phishing cyber attacks can report phishing tactics to teachers and educators. Nearly 45 percent of all children are reporting (via DoSomethingNow.org) that they have been in some way, humiliated, harassed or otherwise harmed by online bullying. So to combat this bad juju, the organization suggests setting up a good-news site for your class or school. Bring attention to the high points of a kid’s day, not the low points. Try these with your children: Create a site with a catchy name and a good design look. Make sure the principal is aware of what you’re starting. Write about good things done in your school. Get other students’ permission to mention them in stories, and get quotes to personalize the story. Drum up some publicity for your web page or blog. Promote it with social media in friends’ feeds and through official school Internet channels. Seek out other students’ reactions, and if they like it, ask them to help you with further work. Visit this site by the National Child Traumatic Stress Network for information and links to a wide array of anti-bullying sites. The site also includes tips and tactics for parents and educators when faced with a cyberbullying situation.

October 8, 2013

Should Children Sleep with Stuffed Toys?

When supplying a favourite stuffed toy is the one, surefire way to get a fussy child to come down for a nap or a good night’s sleep, it almost seems like a no-brainer to hand it over as part of the bedtime routine. Still, it can be confusing to figure out whether or not encouraging your little one to rely on an object for comfort is a good idea. Before the age of one year, the American Academy of Paediatrics warns against introducing plush toys to your baby’s crib due to a potential increase in SIDS risk, but what about after she reaches that all-important one-year benchmark? Understanding the Prevalence of Comfort Objects A study conducted by researchers from both the University of Bristol in the United Kingdom and Yale University in the United States indicated that up to 70% of kids develop strong attachments to the comfort objects they rely upon to self-soothe. These transitional objects help babies learn to separate from their mothers with minimal trauma, and serve as important aspects of development for most kids. Special stuffed toys or blanks develop a very important role in kids’ lives, who tend to anthropomorphise their beloved stuffed animals in such a way that not even an exact replica of the toy is acceptable. Are Comfort Objects Inherently Negative? While some parents fixate on the idea of breaking their child from a dependency that they see as a weakness, there’s no real evidence that sleeping with a comfort object is emotionally damaging. Aside from the slight risk of allergen triggers from dusty or dirty plush toys, there’s very little risk at all when a child is old enough and has the requisite motor skills to move the object away from their face if breathing becomes difficult. A study at the University of Wisconsin at Milwaukee, originally intended to determine whether or not kids who have secure bonds with their mothers were more or less likely to rely upon comfort objects for sleep, found that there was no correlation at all between the strength of the parental bond or the lack thereof and use of a comfort object. The study also uncovered evidence that kids who were strongly attached to those objects seemed to more easily adjust to stressful situations when they had that object in their possession. Making the Right Decision for Your Family If your child is so attached to a comfort object that she refuses to go anywhere without it, problems can arise at the onset of the school year when school policies forbid such objects. Provided that a child is able to rely upon the object only in times of extreme duress or to self-soothe in order to sleep, there’s no real reason to forbid your child from bringing a favourite lovey to bed each night. Ultimately, the decision should depend upon the needs and lifestyle of your family and your own parenting style. If you feel that your child’s use of a comfort object has gone on for too long or that he’s getting too old to rely on such tactics, taking steps to gradually wean him away from a special stuffed animal may be in order. You should, however, expect for your child to regress in moments of extreme duress or dramatic transition. If he’s dealing with the loss of a loved one, a sudden and abrupt change in his life or another source of extreme anxiety, he may rediscover a need for the beloved animal that provided him with comfort before he was able to let go of that dependence. Many thanks to: Live out Nanny

October 7, 2013

What I wish I knew

A recent campaign run by Lil-lets ‘We are Women’ called, ‘What I wish I knew’, has revealed some startling myths around periods. It’s hard to believe that in this day and age when we talk openly about every possible sensitive subject from HIV/AIDS to practising safe sex, condom use, sexually transmitted diseases and many other previously taboo subjects, there remains little or no dialogue about menstruation. Why does it remain an embarrassing topic between mothers and daughters, in schools or in the media? Surely something that is totally natural and happens to half the population of the world every month should be something we can talk about. The result of keeping it secret is a collection of myths – some of which can be potentially harmful to young women, others just causing inconvenience. So during Lil-lets launch of its smallest ever tampon – the Nano tampon – and a new Compact Applicator tampon, both in response to consumer needs, the company has decided it’s time to debunk all these myths and do some straight talking. According to Darlene Smith, Marketing Executive of Premier Home and Personal Care, the most common myths, from an anonymous survey, include: Myth You can’t fall pregnant when you have your period Fact Although it is unlikely that you will fall pregnant, it is not impossible. But a condom should always be used to protect against sexually transmitted diseases. Myth Women menstruating can catch a cold easily and should avoid cold water or iced drinks Fact There is absolutely no reason why women who are menstruating should avoid cold or ice drinks and they will not catch a cold easily. So keep drinking those milkshakes girls. Myth Tampons can break your virginity Fact The word virgin means that you have never had sex with a man. Only sex can break your virginity. Myth You can’t exercise or do strenuous activities while menstruating Fact You can exercise as long as period cramps do not inhibit you. Remember if you are going to swim, which is quite acceptable, you need to wear a tampon not a pad. Myth You can only use a tampon when you are much older or have had babies Fact You can start usingtampons at any age as long as you are comfortable. Start with smaller tampons which are easier to insert and more comfortable, like the new Lil-Lets Nano tampons, so you can get used to wearing them or use a mini Compact Applicator tampon for easier insertion. Myth Period pains are cause for concern. Fact Period pains are quite normal. However, if your daily activities are disturbed it is best to discuss this with your doctor or clinic sister. Myth PMS is made up by men and is all in your head. Fact Craving chocolate, being snappy, headaches, bloating, weight gain, anxiety and depression even joint pain are all part of Pre-menstrual syndrome according to medical experts. Myth Heavy bleeding only happens to women who have given birth. Fact Heavy bleeding can happen to anyone at anytime. Your period flow can even vary from heavy to light or light to heavy in one period or from period to period. This is not unusual and is quite normal. Lil-lets is the only brand that offers a comprehensive range of sanitary protection that caters to your varied flow. Myth During your period you get snakes in your stomach and this causes the pain Fact There is absolutely no truth in this statement. Period pain is normal and is caused by your uterus contracting to help expel its lining when your egg has not been fertilised. We are Women. We have periods and they aren’t fun. But it is part of what makes us women. We need to be more open, to talk and help those who are not getting the reliable information they deserve. Let’s start the conversation NOW. Join the ‘We are Women’ conversation on Facebook, MXIT and Twitter or go to www.wearewomen.co.za for advice and additional access to information.

September 16, 2013

20 Tips for Caring for Special Needs Children

Although I cherish parents of all children, those responsible for raising special needs children and teens are courageous adults who somehow make it through each day. They are tasked with greater challenges and frustrations than other parents. They are not always able to get to school related and networking events because they are probably scheduling and driving to extra appointments for their children. And finding someone to step in for them so they can have a break is not quite as easy as it may be for other parents. These ‘other‘ parents I speak of are those with children without special needs. But parents of children with special needs have additional, unique opportunities that put them in survival mode for getting through each day and spending any extra time they can find at researching the disorders and medical conditions that their precious child arrived with. I am writing this article with some personal experience as my granddaughter was diagnosed with severe attention deficit hyperactivity disorder at a very early age. I helped my daughter care for that sweet little girl in the first few years and remember well all of the challenges my daughter faced. And although my wife’s oldest son was never officially diagnosed, he demonstrates the classic behaviours associated with Asperger’s Syndrome. I’ve heard all of her stories of the extreme challenges he provided to her in his early years, and see those behaviours now in adulthood. Here are my top tips for caregivers of children with special needs. The first two are not at the top of the list by accident. Giving these first two priority over the others will increase your success at implementing the rest: Create time with your non-special needs children. Make extra time for your children that do not have special needs to reassure them that they too are loved and are special in their own ways. Seeing their sibling receiving special attention can generate jealousy and drive them to act out and behave in their own challenging ways. Take extra care of yourself. What will keep you going longer and stronger is your own charged batteries. Take time out for you whenever you can and avoid living according to the standards others may try to set for you. Get organised to make things easier. Use an easy-to-update calendar to keep track of all special appointments and medications. Keep it readily available and readable for those who may come in and offer you relief. Stay organised. When behaviour issues or tantrums occur, that is NOT the time to go in search of items you might need to get the children (or others) ready for events and for transitions. Setting up clothing, lunches and supplies the night before will keep things moving in the morning. Stay on top of your child’s IEP. Although the school is responsible for ensuring that all components of the plan are carried out, don’t wait for the school to follow up. Keep it up to date and request reports on progress as needed. See that your child is reevaluated every three years (or at intervals outlined in your child’s plan). Create routines for you and your child. Although all children do better with sameness and routine, those with disorders need it for self-soothing and comfort. Both you AND your child will benefit by creating patterns that everyone involved can expect and look for. Challenging behaviour may be communication. Whether a child has special needs or not, resistance, meltdowns and tantrums are usually the child’s way of telling you that something is wrong. Remain calm and do your best to understand what might be the trigger of sudden change in behaviour. Provide physical activities often. The more that we provided physical stimulation for my granddaughter; the easier it was to acquire her cooperation later in the day. I spent many afternoons at activity centres where she could climb, run and jump. Remain calm and move forward with intent. When your child’s emotions erupt, you must be the ‘lighthouse in the storm.’ Remaining calm can influence your child to calm down sooner. Avoid allowing them to change your mind or your purpose in the moment. Remain quiet, be still for a moment and ease them into the transition. Speak in a quiet tone often. Auditory sensory issues can disrupt peacefulness and cooperation without warning. Gaining the attention of many special needs children more effectively means teaching others around the child to speak softly with low volume. Make bedtime routines a high priority. Adequate sleep is critical for children with special needs and increases the success of working with them the following day. Create as much routine as you can around bedtime events so they will ease into the sleep schedule in a timely fashion. Avoid sensory overload when meltdowns could occur. Knowing your child means being able to predict when the conditions are right for the possibility of a meltdown. When these conditions occur, shut down or reduce audible or visual chaos that could bring on a meltdown. Plan ahead. Packing backpacks or putting out clothes the night before can help keep everyone on schedule by creating expectations and minimising surprises. This means having to stay five steps ahead, knowing what you and your child will need for the coming appointments/events. Surround yourself with encouraging people. Although we should all take this one to heart, parents of special needs children need an encouraging circle even more. Remove toxic and unsupportive people from your life and hang out with those who support you. Use visual timers and schedules. When a special needs child can see a change approaching, the caregiver is more likely to get the cooperation she needs in moving the child forward. TimeTimer.com and Schkidules.com are two of my favourite resources for these products. Pick your battles. If you find your child having a fit because she doesn’t like the way an item of clothing fits or the existence of a tag or waist band, don’t fight with them.

September 16, 2013

Bullying – Empower your child

The topic of bullying has become the focus of increasing attention and concern in recent times. Whereas in the past there may have been a tendency to downplay bullying and regard it as part of growing up, there is now an increasing awareness of it being a widespread social problem that can have serious short- and long-term consequences for both victim and perpetrator. Recent statistics show that up to 50% of school children are bullied each year. It is an issue which we ignore at our own peril! What constitutes bullying? What is it that makes it different from someone simply fighting with your child, calling of names, being mean or teasing? The essential elements of bullying are as follows : A more dominant child repeatedly exhibits aggressive behaviour towards a less powerful person. There is a conscious intent to hurt the other child, either physically or psychologically, and the bully derives pleasure from this behaviour. There is no justification whatsoever for the bullying behaviour. The intensity and/or duration of the bullying are damaging to the self-esteem of the victim The victim is vulnerable, often because of physical or psychological qualities, and cannoteffectively defend himself The victim feels isolated and is not supported by either peers or adults The bully knows that the victim wants the behaviour to stop but will persist with thebullying. The effects and potential damage of bullying is difficult to assess, largely due to the varying vulnerability of children. However, for most there is a significantly negative impact on the victims’ general well-being. Self-esteem is inevitably damaged, there is heightened anxiety, signs of sadness and distress, withdrawal from social interaction, often general health problems develop such as headaches, stomach aches, disturbed sleep and even bed- wetting. There is often a deterioration in school performance as the bullied child becomes increasingly distressed and unable to concentrate. Other warning signs that could signal that your child is being bullied include unexplained cuts and bruises, torn clothing, loss of appetite, reluctance to go to school, “loss” of possessions or pocket money, complaining of being starving when getting home from school (often a sign that the lunch box has been raided by the bully), becoming withdrawn, reduced social interaction, unexpected mood changes, irritability and temper outbursts, tearfulness, talking about suicide. How do I help my child if I suspect that he is being bullied? It is essential that when the child tells the parent about them being bullied, that they take what the child is saying seriously and act decisively. To ignore or minimise it would be the worst possible outcome for the child, already feeling over-whelmed, helpless and alone. Whilst most schools have an anti-bullying policy, it is often difficult to implement and despite concerted efforts to eradicate bullying, it continues to occur. Perhaps a more proactive approach is to teach your child to deal with the bullies that they may encounter. One such approach is to teach your child to be assertive. The ability to be assertive is a life- long asset. Although it is necessary to be passive or aggressive at certain times in social situations, many children tend to be overly aggressive or passive. Children with poor assertiveness skills and who frequently display passive behavior, feel negative about themselves and do little to protect themselves, making them more vulnerable and more likely to be bullied and manipulated. Bullies prefer children who are unable to fight back or who withdraw from confrontation and cry when attacked. Likewise children who tend to be overly aggressive in their interactions are sometimes labeled as bullies and are often disliked by their peers. In teaching children to be assertive, they learn to identify and express their feelings, be mindful of the feelings of others, have the confidence to say what they want and develop the skills to deflect difficult or unpleasant social situations. They develop strong self-esteem and are able to stand up for themselves in a pleasant but firm manner. Without wishing to be pessimistic, it would seem that bullying is a perennial problem, very difficult to eradicate and likely to get worse as the stresses and pressures of life continue to escalate. It is a problem that is likely to confront most children at some point in their lives but by creating assertive, confident children hopefully the bullies will find fewer targets and may themselves learn to behave in more socially acceptable and positive ways. Written By: Margie Wilson

September 7, 2013

10 Super ideas on how to empower your domestic worker or nanny

There are approximately one million, mainly African women, who are domestic workers and nannies in South Africa. According to CASE (Community Agency for Social Enquire), in the last decade very little progress has been made in reducing poverty. To date the recession has not helped this progress. As the employer of a domestic worker or nanny in your home, you have the opportunity to make a difference. Here are some wonderful empowerment ideas you can offer your domestic worker or her child. Nanny training courses for domestic nanniesGive your nanny the confidence she needs to care for and stimulate your child in a safe environment. Training your domestic worker to become a nanny is upgrading her job status and salary from a char to a child carer, giving her more responsibility and a better income. Price range: R1600 – R1800 First Aid courses for domestic nanniesGive your nanny the confidence to deal with home emergencies or any crisis that may occur while your children are in her care. Providing her with lifesaving skills not only enables her to help your family, but she is then in a position to provide assistance to her own family and community with her First Aid and CPR skills Price range: R350 – R600 Cooking classes for domestic nanniesTeach your nanny to cook a nutritious, home cooked meal. By teaching your nanny how to cook a variety of meals, you can ensure your family is getting fresh, nutritious food. Not just the quick readymade meals available from our local supermarkets. Having meal times already prepared or even just prepped, will give you quality time with your children in the afternoon and evening. Price range: R1500 – R2000 Swimming classes for domestic nanniesTeach your nanny how to swim. If you have a pool and your children are allowed to swim, it is vital that the adult present, can swim, in case of an emergency. This is a great life skill which will give your domestic worker or child carer a wonderful sense of achievement. Having a nanny who can swim allows your children to have fun at the pool. Price range (R1100 for 8 lessons) Housekeeping course for domestic workers and nanniesUp skill your char from a domestic worker to a super-efficient housekeeper. If your nanny shows initiative and pride in her work, offer her the skills she needs to become your housekeeper. An efficient housekeeper can clean the home, she knows how to delegate her time according to her tasks, and she has the ability to plan head and can manage any maintenance issues and workers in your house. Price range: (R800 – R2000) School education for your domestic nanny’s child.Help your nanny’s child get a good education. This is the most powerful way to make a difference to your domestic worker and enable her family to move into a better social class and have higher earning potential. Many families who can afford to pay will send their nanny’s child to a local school in the suburb where they live. Business skill training for your domestic workerTeach your domestic worker how to run her own business. If you feel your domestic worker demonstrates the ability and drive to run her own business, you can enlist her on an enterprise development programme called the Clothing Bank. They offer a 2 year holistic training programme that empowers unemployed mothers to start a small retail trading business. Retirement planning for your domestic nannyProvide your nanny with a pension fund. Give your nanny that peace of mind to know that she will have some financial stability later on in her golden years. Many loyal domestic workers mostly retire without any pension of provident funds savings for their old age – making them financially dependent on the state pension, which is currently R1260 (2013) per month. Most domestic workers are prepared to contribute if their employers are willing to meet them halfway. By taking the financial pressure of the next generation, will also give her children a better chance to further themselves. Old Mutual does offer pension funds for domestic workers. The low monthly premiums start from R125 a month and up. Skills development programs for your nanny’s childSchool leavers especially young men can study and train through the Military Skills Development System (MSDS). This is a wonderful opportunity for school leavers whose mothers (domestic nannies and chars) do not have the funds to send them on for a tertiary education at technikons or universities. If these young adults have a grade 12 qualification, they can join this program under the SANDF. The aim of this new training is not to provide the youth of the country with only military skills, but rather to teach them basic life skills that are required in a work environment. The military environment is just used as a platform to instil discipline, routine and work ethic. The new recruits will undergo various training aimed to providing specialists to the SANDF such as engineers, pilots, doctors, dentists and naval combat officers. The recruits that do leave can apply some of the skills they learn in the Defence Force to their private sector jobs as well.

June 12, 2013

Help, I’m turning into my mother

My mom turns 70 this month and I’m thinking about what I will do to celebrate Mother’s Day with her. I cherish the fact that I have her to spend time with and that I live close enough to spend several evenings per week, playing her favorite table game with her. Without revealing details, my mom experienced some great hardships when I was a child. She often apologizes for some of the bad things that happened to us and to me, but I often give her a hug and say, “All of that doesn’t matter now. Thank you for giving me life and choosing to keep me.” When I think back to some of the “parenting” things she did in raising me, I realize that many of them were not very effective in helping me to grow into the emotionally balanced, spiritual and grounded man that I am today. It took many years of healing on my own to undo some of the effects of her mothering. We’ve had a few mother-son discussions about this and the fact that the methods of parenting that I now teach differ greatly from what she did. She sticks by the methods she used but she respects the work I do. All of this reminds me of a message that someone once posted on my parenting Facebook page. The person stated, “I’m turning into my mother and I don’t like what I’m doing!” She was referring to the phrases that were coming out of her mouth and the methods of parenting she was using that were classic of what her mother use to do. This woman knew they weren’t very effective and was seeking my help in learning what she could do differently. This inspired me to list the top five things we should refrain from doing when it comes to raising children in today’s modern world; things that many of our mothers probably DID do with us when we were children. If you’re already doing any of these things, it’s never too late to change your methods. Begin by acknowledging what you’re doing, making the effort to pause before reacting, and choosing something different. Constant Correction. Although they meant well, many of our moms constantly corrected our words and our actions because they had specific expectations for us. They believed it was their place to point out our short comings and build us into the best children possible. While they may have been successful in keeping us on the straight and narrow, it also caused us to doubt ourselves and fall short in the area of self-confidence. For some of us, our authenticity may have been sacrificed. Guilt and Shame. As a means for correction, many of us were shamed for what we did with moral judgments or warnings. It was intended to make us us feel bad about what we had done. I remember hearing the words, “Nice boys don’t _____________.” This made me feel as if there was something wrong with me and that I was not like other boys. It also taught me not to take risks because I would most likely do something wrong or end up embarrassing my mother. Cleaning Your Plate. Economically, times were tough for my parents who were scraping by and pinching every penny. In spite of that, they made sure that we had full and healthy meals to eat and they did not like wasting food. Therefore, it became common to hear about other children less fortunate than my siblings and I; children who were starving in far away countries because they had no food. This guilt had me eating every last morsel on my plate, whether I was hungry or not. Don’t You Dare Say “No” To Me. I’m reminded of this limitation every time I receive a request from someone and must decline. I have to take into consideration my time and effort, and then have to respond as to whether I can accommodate that request or not. When I do have to decline, it starts as a firm “No” deep down inside. But subconsciously, providing that “No, I’m sorry I can’t do that now,” becomes difficult to do, thanks to the early years when my mother did not allow me to say no as a child. Rescuing When Things Don’t Go Well. I loved the game of baseball. During my very first Little League practice, I got hit in the head when the pitcher served me the ball. Then at the few practices that followed, it became clear that I had trouble grasping the art of catching the ball with my glove. Soon after that, my mom pulled me from the team because she wanted to spare me the heartache of not being able to play the sport well. It’s possible that if she allowed me to remain, I might have adapted to playing the sport as well as I had always dreamed of playing. Now don’t get me wrong, there are many great things that our mothers did well. In fact, I could write volumes on the many wonderful things my mother did that I’ll remember forever. I especially appreciate the things she did that kept me safe and out of harm’s way so that I could be here today to write this article. What our mothers did, they did because that’s how it was done back then. But we know differently today because the world has changed in many ways and so have we. So when you hear something come out of your mouth that you’re heard your mother say, stop yourself and ask, “What is it that I’d really like to say to my child?”

May 7, 2013

10 Simple Ways To Love Our Earth

Anyone who knows me knows that I love my quotes and use them every day for inspiration. This particular quote is relevant for us today- “I am only one, but I am still one. I cannot do everything but I can do something. ” – Helen Keller We take care of our family and the things that we love so why not take a bit of extra care for our Earth, the world that we live in that supports us and is a living, breathing system. Let’s show this planet that we call home a bit of care and affection. 1. Plant a Tree. It’s good for the air and the land. It can cool your house down with the shade and also add value to your property. Trees also provide a habitat for birds and insects. 2. Go Without Plastic. Glass is good for storage whether it is food or water. Glass is also better for the planet: made from all-natural, sustainable raw materials, glass is 100% recyclable and can be reused endlessly. Glass, unlike some plastic bottles, does not contain any harmful chemicals such as BPA, phthalate, PVC, or polycarbonate, so nothing can leach into your water from a glass bottle. 3. Go Outside. It’s so easy to stay inside where it is warm and cozy, but maybe today, venture out, get some fresh air and exercise. Try to be extra observant and see the beauty in the outdoors, wherever you are. We hardly ever come into contact with nature. But if we do not know, see, and experience nature and the great outdoors, how can we love it? 4. Be Mindful. It might sound obvious, but I’m sure many of us go about our days without thinking about how our little daily habits impact the earth. Today let’s go about our routine a little more mindfully, and make little gestures of love like turning the lights off when we leave the room, turning off the water while brushing or shaving, picking up that litter, or even just starting up a compost or recycle bin. 5. Meat Free Monday. One less meat-based meal a week helps the planet and your diet. Cutting out meat one day a week will help prevent four of the leading causes of death: heart disease, stroke, diabetes and cancer. Eating less meat can help minimize the ecological footprint of your food because stock breeding and farming has a detrimental impact on the environment. 6. Rethink Bottled Water. Roughly 2.7 million tons of plastic are used each year worldwide for disposable drinking bottles Nearly 90% of plastic water bottles are not recycled, instead taking thousands of years to decompose. Buy a reusable container and fill it with tap water, a great choice for the environment, your wallet, and possibly your health. 7. Live Simply. Wealth, possessions and a high standard of living are not the be all and end all in our lives. For an eco-friendly life we need to seek quality of life instead To be honest, we need to live more simply, so that others may simply live. Any fool can make life complicated; it requires genius to make it simple. 8. Less Toxins in Your Home. Use less harmful products when cleaning the house and washing clothes. Learn about alternatives to household cleaning items that do not use toxic chemicals. Review labels of household cleaners you use. Consider alternatives like baking soda, vinegar, lemon juice or a little more elbow grease. 9. Buy Seasonal and Local. Consider the amount of pollution created to get your food from the farm to your table. Whenever possible, buy seasonal fruit and vegetables or at local farmers’ markets. You will be supporting your local economy and reducing the amount of greenhouse gas created when products are flown or trucked in. 10. Share! Take what you’ve learnt, and help spread the word. If every person you know just took one step towards being greener, the collective effort would be huge. We can make a difference. [hr]

March 18, 2013

Teaching children the importance of recycling and caring for their environment

From a tender age, we’re filling our children’s absorbent minds with need–to-know information. As parents, our goal is for perfect manners to become second nature, and for important habits to be instilled as early as possible – like brushing teeth, packing away toys and putting on seatbelts. The future of recycling lies in the hands of our youth, and these are also the individuals who will carry the burden of higher carbon footprints if it is not reduced. As parents, we have the opportunity to help develop a generation of eco-warriors. We teach our children to say please and thank you, we tell them not to talk to strangers, not to litter, and so many other small yet essential life skills that we don’t even consciously think about. Why then should lessons in environmental protection and recycling be any different? The Glass Recycling Company (TGRC), South Africa’s national organisation responsible for facilitating the recovery of waste glass for recycling, is working hard at encouraging citizens to increase glass recycling quantities. It’s up to us to empower our children by educating them as to the positive effect that recycling will have on our environment, and how they can make a difference. Recycling is easy; you don’t have to start big to make an impact. Tips from TGRC to educate your family (and yourself) include: Find your nearest glass bank. Visit The Glass Recycling Company website www.tgrc.co.za call 0861 2 GLASS (45277), or sms ‘GLASS’ to 45686 (SMS charged at R1.50) Whenever you purchase something packaged, think about how you can reuse or recycle the packaging. Glass is 100% recyclable and can be recycled again and again without losing its purity or strength Plan your trips to bottle banks to fit into your daily schedule – it will become part of your routine rather than a chore! Take your kids with you and show them how and where to put their bottles Get your child’s school to register for The Glass Recycling Company school competition. Not only will this mean a conveniently placed glass bank at the school, but also a chance for schools to win fantastic cash prizes. For more details, visit www.tgrc.co.za Explain to your children what is recyclable and what is not. Glass containers, such as those used for food and beverages can be recycled Other types of glass, like window glass, ovenware, pyrex, crystal and light bulbs are manufactured through a different process and cannot be recycled through South Africa’s glass manufacturers Reuse old containers – they are great for storing paint, crayons, buttons and arts and crafts tools such as paint brushes, rulers and much more In South Africa, it’s not necessary to wash glass before placing it into “Glass Banks”, or to place different coloured glass into separate banks. Recycling is just so easy By making recycling a way of life as habitual as the other lessons we teach our kids, before we know it, we will have a generation of recyclers working together to build a sustainable environment.

March 18, 2013

Myths About Infertility

Infertility is a universal problem that impacts many people across the world. It is also a growing problem in spite of medical science developing new methods daily for improving treatment. There are some common myths, shared by men and women alike about infertility. These myths seem to transgress cultural boundaries, and appear to be universal. Myth 1: Infertility is a female problem While this belief is widely held, it has no factual basis. One too easily assumes that infertility is a female problem. However, in nearly a third of all infertility cases, a male factor is the main cause. The most well-known causes of male infertility include: damage to the testicals from infections like mumps, failure of the testicles to properly descend, damage caused by chemotherapy and radiation, or the loss of a testicle due to torsion or trauma. In some instances, men are actually born without the vas deferens tube which carries the sperm from the testes. Myth 2: Once a woman adopts a child, she will conceive There are cases where one reads of woman adopting and then conceiving themselves. However, this only occurs in about 5% of people who adopt, and this is not reason enough for one to adopt. We are not sure why this happens, but it could be that the couple achieves a peace of mind about the process of infertility; and this causes a corresponding physical reaction in the body which makes one less prone to the stress related to infertility. This relationship is however very unclear. Myth 3: The more we have intercourse, the higher our chances One assumes that the more one has intercourse around time of ovulation, the more sperm, and the higher the chance of a pregnancy. However, having intercourse every day can lower the sperm count significantly. Every other day is probably a better option. Similarly, abstaining for long periods of time, does not improve the store of sperm. In fact, after three days the quality of the sperm starts decreasing somewhat. Myth 4: If a man is producing semen, then he must have sperm This is a common perception. However, one must not confuse semen with sperm. Semen is the fluid in which the sperm swims. It is just a vehicle for the sperm to survive in until they reach the egg. A healthy male has millions of microscopic sperm in each drop of semen. To have spontaneous conception the sperm count should typically be more than 10million and the sperm motility should be more than 40%. In instances where a man has no viable sperm in their ejaculated sample, a fertility specialist will proceed with a testicular biopsy procedure to extract a small amount of tissue from one testicle, which can be used to fertilise the egg. Myth 5: Men can have children no matter what age they are Even though Charlie Chaplin fathered a child in his seventies, and we see many older men fathering children with their second younger wives, men also have a biological clock. Not only does the genetic DNA start showing more problems such as in birth defects but the longer one lives, the more one is exposed to the environment and lifestyle factors. Recent research is showing strong evidence for lifestyle factors contributing to male factor infertility such as smoking, obesity and stress. However, the good news is that these can be managed. Myth 6: Men cannot have a vasectomy reversed A vasectomy is considered a form of permanent birth control. During the procedure, each testicle is cut or sealed to prevent the release of sperm. Fortunately, a reversal can be effective in a huge number of cases. And if a reversal is not possible, there are other more invasive options available. One would need to consult with a specialist urologist to ask about further options. Myth 7: Relax and you’ll conceive When you tell someone to relax, it is impossible to obey. The relationship between stress and fertility exists, but it is not as simple as that, or as direct as that. Infertility is a disease, and has a physical component as well as an emotional component. To tell someone to relax, will simply stress them more and be counter productive. Support and empathy help; as well as a plan forward with some hope. Myth 8: It’s so easy for other couples to conceive While a couple is going through the process of trying to have a child, it does feel like everyone else is falling pregnant easily. But the fact is that one in 10 people are battling to conceive, and even when a couple is absolutely healthy, they only have a 25% chance every month of conceiving. Myth 9: It takes months to get an appointment at a fertility clinic, and a referral letter from a doctor is needed A couple doesn’t need to be referred by a family doctor or gynaecologist to see a fertility specialist. A husband and wife are able to make that call on their own, and book their own appointment. Even though fertility clinics are busy and appointments may take some time, ask to be placed on a cancellation list. There are always cancellations; and one can usually get a sooner appointment. Myth 10: Does going to a fertility clinic mean we have to do invasive treatment like IVF? This is a common misperception. Firstly, just because a couple has been struggling for only a few months, it doesn’t mean they can’t go seek a specialised opinion. By seeking this opinion in the beginning, the basics can put right so that conception happens quicker. Medical assistance should be considered in couples under 35 who have been trying to conceive for over a year without success, or after six months in women over 35. There are very few clinics that only do IVF, and most have a variety of less invasive options that they start off with and if conception difficulties are not identified, then more involved tests are done. Myth 11:

January 17, 2013

We Choose to Hover

My husband and I have live under constant scrutiny for our helicopter parenting style. Not only don’t other parents understand, but many of them don’t even care to try. Just like the extra effort needed to stay involved in their children’s lives, it isn’t easy, but it’s so worth it. Please don’t misunderstand and think that we intend to bash those parenting styles that don’t mimic our own, we don’t. The truth is that we feel everyone has a right to decide what works best for their family. Children prosper when they are part of a tight knit family that recognizes their importance to the family unit and humanity. Regardless of your parenting style choices, the most important thing to remember is that we are all doing what we feel is best. We take great pride in attending to our daughter’s every need. The amount of involvement hasn’t lessened as she’s grown, it’s just changed. Staying involved in all aspects of your children’s lives is exhausting, heart-wrenching, and difficult. Let me also say it’s loving, caring and highly rewarding. Helicopter Parents know the best thing for our children is guidance. We tell them what is expected, we show them, we make sure it is done and we discuss how they handled the situation. This differs from the “free range” parenting style, which promotes freedom from worry as children navigate life. Just as we seem overprotective to lenient parents, we feel they are neglectful and risky. The tasks are the same; however the way we allow them to be accomplished is very different. Helicopter Parents are described as over-parenting their children by paying extremely close attention; harming them in the process. Aren’t we supposed to know what goes on in our children’s lives? If hovering is so wrong, then why do many children feel the need to garner attention from us? We believe it’s because they aren’t getting it at home. Their parents believe that limited guidance builds character. In contrast, we impart knowledge. Why should they suffer through the tribulations without being taught what to do? We disagree that Helicopter Parenting harms our children. Our teenager enjoys a wonderful loving bond with her parents and extended family. Most children her age aren’t speaking to their parents. She knows we support her; admittedly, this support is unsolicited most of the time. She can rely on us as we head into more serious topics such as driving and sex. As she matures, she leans on us less; we view this as success. She has the tools necessary to circumvent precarious situations. We treat her respectfully and with dignity; the naysayers forget this when condemning our style. We don’t restrict her rights, free will or beliefs. In short, she didn’t raise herself while we stood on the sidelines hoping for the best. We made a conscious choice to involve ourselves. Kids grow up all too soon, let’s not be so fast to push them into this great big world alone.

January 17, 2013

We Choose to Hover

January 17, 2013

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