Advice from the experts
Munchkins

Natural Consequences

It’s a parent’s job to make the rules, it’s the child’s job to try and break them. – Anonymous A natural consequence is a result of an action happening from inexperience or an accident. For instance: ‘If you ride your bike over the step, you will fall and hurt yourself.’ ‘We have asked you repeatedly not to play with your ball in that area. However, you kicked your ball where there was a thorn bush and it punctured. I am sure you are really disappointed.’ A logical consequence is that as a result of disobedience there is a price to pay to help you remember the next time. For instance: ‘If you forget to put your bike away, it will be taken away for a few days.’ I asked you to sit and drink your juice. You chose to get up and so it all spilled. Unfortunately you cannot have any more.’ Both of these examples are extremely effective ways of encouraging a change of behaviour. Allowing children to suffer natural and logical consequences allows them to experience disappointments from making small mistakes or bad decisions, yet still develop winning skills in the process. If they never learn to feel and overcome such feelings of disappointment, they will struggle to cope with the hardships of life. Showing them empathy and unconditional love through this process helps them to feel like winners every time they ‘lose’.

Parenting Hub

My Divorce Discipline Dilemma

I didn’t realize that a year after my divorce , with a group of unruly children on my hands, that I and I alone had contributed to their lack of discipline.My once , well mannered ,obedient children were now bordering on juvenile delinquents that I hardly recognized and most defiantly did not like. As always, we are able to see others faults and never our own and it wasn’t until someone pointed out to me that I was about to just give in to save myself the “fight” , that I realized I’d become a “guilt ” mom. One of those parents who just gives in .So why you may ask , if I’d successfully brought up 6 amazing children and with so many years child care experience did I make this fault?  Was I just lazy? Did I give up on parenting? Had I forgotten to put my children first? There are many factors , from stress to financial and lifestyle changes . We suffered the loss of not having our family structure complete, and I personally missed my other children who are provinces away from us. Our lifestyle changed as I went from a full time stay at home, home school mom to suddenly working the 8 hour day and the children attended school for the first time. Thrown into the mix were special needs , learning disabilities , homework ,after care issues , school runs , a new province , no support system and trying to be both parents, emotionally , physically and financially ,  to my children as they adjusted to this upheaval. I don’t believe I ever intentionally didn’t put them , their emotions or needs first but truthfully, it became easier to give in than to “fight “and see them “hurt ” all over again. I was also exhausted , overwhelmed and trying to keep it together when everything was falling apart around me.The biggest problem with this is that I created a catalyst for myself. We lost our familiarity and structure. Struggling to gain a daily routine my children began to act out looking for their safe comforts. I was unable to see this , amidst the chaotic new lifestyle we began. So , how do you fix these issues?To fix a problem you first have to see it . Then acknowledge it and take ownership for the part you’ve played in creating the problem. Being responsible by changing what’s wrong to ensure the problem is resolved is a lot easier said than done. That takes courage , resolve and patience.I had to remind myself , I had created this problem over a year , it wasn’t going to fix itself overnight. And yes , I still find myself tempted to just give in . But , seeing how much calmer our home is and watching my children return to their loving selves is enough to keep me from giving in.It took some tough love on my eldest son, 17, but firm boundaries and following through with my words and actions were an asset in reinforcing family and home rules . It took many tears , mostly mine . Some guilt and hours of beating myself over for being a bad mom .With the younger children , 13 and 11, it was easier . By setting stricter rules and not allowing myself to get caught up in the emotion behind the misbehavior I am able to keep control  and of course following through with what I say. We will never have the same structure or family dynamic as before but our home rules haven’t changed . We finding a new groove to slot into, one that works uniquely for us. And yes , it is that easy.We all make mistakes as parents . None of us are given a rule book to follow and all the advise in the world is just advise if you haven’t walked that road. My children and I are on a road we’ve never traveled before and we doing it one day and one mistake at a time.

Ati2ud

Does your relationship feel like it’s falling apart? 

Are you constantly fighting and in the “here we go again” cycle….? Do you want to fix it? Everyone faces challenges in their life or relationship where they need a little help, I’m here to tell you that you do not have to face this time alone.  You are probably moving through one of the phases of the relationship cycle that every couple experiences in their relationship. Conflict is often seen as a negative and something that many seem to avoid at all costs instead of as an opportunity to grow. We experience conflict in all areas of our lives on an ongoing basis, within ourselves, with our partners, our children, our families and even in our working environment. Do any of the following statements resonate with you? You’re unhappy in your relationship and want to fix it It feels like you and your partner are living seperate lives You have a good relationship but you’ve got into a rut and it’s boring You want to start a new relationship and not repeat the same mistakes from previous ones You keep fighting about the same things over and over again and want to stop You want your relationship to be one that is loving and caring You can’t understand why your relationships never last You struggle to keep and maintain friendships You are uncomfortable in social situations e.g. networking People have mentioned you come across as abrupt, abrasive or insensitive Imago Relationship Therapy, founded by Harville Hendrix (PhD), teaches us that we connect with a person as a result of an unconscious match between a mental image of our parents/caretakers, created in childhood (called Imago) and certain character traits of that person (our trigger points) shaping who we become, our thought patterns and our behavioural traits. This then contributes to how we manage relationships and conflict in our adult lives. A key aspect to note is that children model themselves on their primary caretakers (usually their parents), hence the developmental years of a child’s life are the most crucial, as this forms the foundation of a child’s emotional development. This is where we learn how to communicate, manage conflict, express emotion, feelings and vulnerability. If children are exposed to a negative, confrontational environment, they soon will develop behavioural patterns that align to the environment they have been exposed to. The converse also applies. When these children then grow up and form relationships of their own, similar patterns and traits begin to play out time and time again. As a Relationship Wellness Coach, Paula Quinsee helps couples whose relationships have gotten stale reignite the fire that they once had so that they never have to worry about having to go through a painful divorce or break-up. She also works with individuals to help them understand their relationship patterns, why their past relationships did not work and how to fix this. Attend one of her regular monthly workshops for great empowering tools. For more information go to www.ati2ud.com  

Parenting Hub

Inspiring Challenges, Stimulating Experiences, Healthy Results

Recently, my eight year old told me that I’m his greatest challenge in life and that he is tired of challenges, he just wants support. (The topic of our conversation was respect so you might see where he was going with this). I assured him that a challenge is not a bad thing for when we choose our challenges they can stimulate and inspire us. He looked at me disbelievingly, so I picked up the cue to change my language. He loves lego. He’s been mad about lego building for the past 5 years, and this falls into his top 3 loves at the moment.   Here is the conversation that followed: Mom: When you play with lego, you are doing something that you enjoy, and I don’t have to beg you to do it, right? Son: Nods his head. Mom: Do you only build the easy things? Son: Sometimes and sometimes I like making difficult things. Right now I’m building a dragon that is so big, and I’m doing it all by myself and it is taking me ages, hours, days. T here are some parts I need to do over because they need to be just right otherwise he won’t move. And he has to be able to move, that’s the point. The enthusiasm experienced while engaging in a loved activity aids the individual to enter into what artists and sports people call ‘The Zone’. The place of manifestation. During this time we have such intense concentration, clarity and vision. Everything around us fades away as we become absorbed and immersed into the moment. Encouraging our children to follow their hearts and to cultivate a connection with their inner voice gives them personal fulfilment as well as stimulating the brain, enhancing intellect and aiding physical growth. When we love what we do and do what we love our body, mind and soul is nourished. Inspiration causes our mind to say, “This is fun! I love this!” Then our brain reacts with happy neurons sending messages to the blood saying “Hey, come get your boost of the most power packed organic supplement ever, and guess what, its’ free!” The cells absorb this goodness that aids them to release even more and maintain the flow going. It really is this simple. Dr. John Demartini, human behaviour specialist, explains in his course The Breakthrough Experience that human beings grow most at the border of support and challenge. An activity that a child does because s/he wants to has just the right dose of both. Such experiences are not only gratifying for the moment but have long lasting effects such as increased involvement and enjoyment of learning. In their book, ‘Light up Your Child’s Mind’, Dr. Jospeh Renzulli and Sally Reis discuss how a child whose passions are noted and fulfilled can shine in all other areas of life. One such case study is about a boy called Ross whose work at school was declining. After spending some time with Ross, they found out that he loved trains. When asked how school could be made more meaningful for him Ross responded by saying he would love to make a movie about the switching station under the bridge. So he did. It took many months and though he missed some classes he willingly made up the work. “Here was the payoff: Ross’s enthusiasm for school increased dramatically, his grades reflected that enthusiasm, and he was later accepted into a highly regarded university.”   What does your child love doing? When last has s/he engaged in this activity? How can you make this passion part of everyday life? With kindled creativity, children learn to deal with, understand and respond positively to challenges of all kinds. Sometimes the solution is not complicated, sometimes it is as simple as enjoying life.

Lynne Brown

Diet & Delinquency – A Connection?

We are all aware that “we are what we eat”, however our knowledge is usually limited to the fact that the wrong foods could cause heart attacks, obesity and compromise our immune systems but the idea that they can also affect our minds, even our behaviour is less known. However Patrick Holford in his book “Food is better medicine than drugs” says: “…children and adults with ADHD often have one or more nutritional imbalances that, once identified and corrected, can dramatically improve their energy, focus, concentration and behaviour” and “The combination of the right vitamins, minerals and essential fats can truly transform children with learning and behavioural difficulties.” He quotes the following four nutritional solutions that have been well proven to make a difference: Sugar-free and low GL diets Essential fats especially Omega-3s Vitamins and minerals Allergy-free and additive-free diets Go sugar-free There are a number of possible causes of ADHD but the most common is blood sugar problems. Sugar is rocket fuel to an ADHD child so you can expect him to get out of control. Dietary studies consistently reveal that hyperactive children tend to eat more sugar than other children and while going from sugary drinks to sugary snacks throughout the day, some of these kids consume 50 teaspoons of sugar in a day. Yes, for proper brain function he does need a constant supply of glucose to his brain but this is best achieved by controlling insulin levels. Do this by ensuring your child has protein and carbohydrate at every meal and snack, e.g. fruit and nuts or rice and fish. Eliminate sugars and refined carbohydrates such as white bread and white rice from his diet and replace with complex carbohydrates such as brown rice, rolled oats, lentils and barley. Also replace fizzy drinks and fruit juices with clean water. Essential Fats Children diagnosed with ADHD often show symptoms of essential fatty acid deficiency, such as excessive thirst, dry skin, eczema and asthma. Omega-3s are found in oily fish such as sardines, salmon and mackerel but most ADHD children will also need to take fish oil capsules daily, containing at least 200 mg EPA and 100 mg DHA. Flax, sunflower and pumpkin seeds are good sources of omega 6 and 9 and should be added to food or used as snacks every day. Pumpkin seeds are also high in magnesium which is calming. Use only olive oil in cooking and salads. Vitamins and Minerals It is well documented that academic performance improves and behavioural problems diminish significantly when children are given nutritional supplements. A whole green food supplement, such as the dried juice of barley grass, would be best here since it is easily digested and contains enzymes, vitamins and minerals that work together synergistically. Nature knows best! ADHD sufferers are commonly deficient in two minerals in particular, namely magnesium and zinc. Identify food sensitivities One study showed that ADHD children turned out to be seven times more likely to have food allergies than other children, the most common being dairy products and wheat. A very high percentage of ADHD children react to food colourants and flavourings, MSG, dairy, chocolate or oranges. Other problematic foods are corn, yeasts, soya, peanuts and eggs. If your ADHD child also exhibits some of the following symptoms of nasal problems and excessive mucus, ear infections, facial swelling, tonsillitis, digestive problems, bad breath, bedwetting, then a food allergy test is worth doing. Otherwise avoid all processed foods and treat your child to natural, wholesome food that you have prepared yourself! A treatable disorder Though it may take trial and error to find out what works for your child, it is well worth the effort. Effective treatment will allow individuals to realize their abilities and intelligence, making huge differences in their self-esteem and capacity to function in the world.

Parenting Hub

The Pursuit of Excellence, Not Perfection.

We live in a society where doing your best is simply not good enough anymore. From work commitments, to social gatherings, school fees to rent. We are bombarded in every aspect by a consumerist society that just wants us to do more! Unfortunately it is having negative ramifications on our children. The children of today are being brought up with a perfectionist attitude and its becoming an epidemic. Perfectionism is unachievable. It would be great if we could achieve all we set out to in life but unfortunately that is simply not the nature of the world. A perfectionist viewpoint is essentially setting us up for failure, so then what? You may ask. We need to teach our children to pursue excellence. Perfectionism leads to a fear of failure and an irrational belief that everything has to always go our way. Excellence however is both rational and achievable. You are simply doing the best that you can. This paradigm shift thus serves to eradicate anxiety, fear and dread and rather encourages excitement and motivation. The perfectionist will never be happy with her efforts which effects self esteem, self worth and confidence. One can never attain true happiness if they work from a fear based paradigm. However excellence on the other hand allows people to free up their creative mind and actually enjoy the process. Life is at the end of the day about the journey, and if you and your children are not going to enjoy it, then what’s the point? Try shifting your own mindset and that of your children. Here are a few examples to get you started… A perfectionist is driven by fear of disappointment, yet in the pursuit of excellence we are inspired by passion A perfectionist’s self esteem is based on external sources of accomplishment, whereas in the pursuit of excellence you have an intrinsic value and an internal positive locus of control As a perfectionist you feel you must be strong and not show vulnerabilities, yet in the pursuit of excellence you can share doubts and vulnerabilities with others

Raising Kids Positively

Games Are Fun And Really Good For Us

One of the easiest and fastest ways for grown-ups to feel like kids again is to play games with them. It turns out playing games are actually really good for us. Carol Surya, author and child psychologist who has developed the children’s self esteem game, InnerMagic™ explains why:  1. Games promote family fun and togetherness Playing games naturally connect us with others, giving us a chance to be together in a “present-moment” way. By having regular ‘game time’ we’re giving the whole family ‘time off’ to be together and have fun. We’re also showing our kids that play is important and that we value spending quality time with them.  2. Games teach patience, sharing and good sportsmanship Even simple games like hide and seek or snakes and ladders involve taking turns and learning to respect others’ feelings. Kids can learn to regulate their own emotions by learning how it feels to ‘win’ and ‘loose’, inevitably building awareness of rules, ‘good play’ and fairness. Much needed life skills! 3. Playing games are fun and make us happy Instantly ridding us of seriousness and bringing us into the present, games are a sure way to make us happy and can even help kids feel more confident. The interaction and hands on time spent with us is what they thrive on. 4. Through game play we can master a ton of skills By playing the same game repetitively, a child’s brain can learn concepts that could take a lot longer to master in the classroom setting.   Developmentally games provide a easy, fun way for children to tackle eye-hand coordination; manual dexterity; colour, number and shape recognition; grouping and counting; letter recognition, reading and more. 5. Games help develop motor skills Spending lots of time sitting (in class or in front of TV), their gross and fine motor skills can easily become neglected. Simple games like Twister, Simon Says and rope jumping develop gross motor skills, improving balance and flexibility. Board games need dexterity and improve fine motor skills, whereas balancing games offer a complex multi-sensory activity. Even if your child gets frustrated at first, encourage him to keep trying and he’ll learn to persevere! 6. Game playing stimulates intellectual development Einstein said “play is the highest form of research”. Letting kids figure out things on their own is part of gaming fun! Using reasoning, logic and planning in a fun environment allows kids to build important ‘brain skills’ that promote intelligence. Don’t be too quick to help if they are stumped, encourage and give small hints rather than saying what to do, or taking over. 7. Games can help release excess energy Racing games, tree-climbing, hopscotch, hide and seek get kids moving a lot more than TV or online-game time. Physical games allow them to expend excess energy (and feelings) in a healthy way that otherwise may spill out as ‘bad’ behaviour. 8. Playing games expands creativity, flexibility and imagination Tapping into a world of fantasy, games inspire creativity, with kids often inventing their own way of playing, making up new rules and inspiring them to create their own games. So give yourself a break moms and have some healthy fun gaming. The InnerMagic™ children’s self esteem game is a great developmental tool for the whole family. This interactive emotional intelligence game aimed at 6 to 12 year olds is played between a parent and one or two children and improves self esteem, emotional intelligence, expression, lifeskills and relationships. The game’s central focus is to offer children choices, while moving along rainbow coloured stars which pose real life questions and self esteem building activities, in order to get into each of the six developmental centers and perform a task to win a token. Cleverly designed, the game is fun and challenging, improving critical thinking, communication, decision making, literacy skills and problem solving while teaching children how to express and manage their feelings. Once children start playing, they can’t get enough of InnerMagic™ and parents too love seeing all the positive benefits the game brings. For more information about Carol’s excellent parenting book, Great Kids and the InnerMagic™ children’s game or to purchase your own copy visit the Carol Surya Website Today.  

Mia Von Scha

Emergency First Aid For The State

Helping your kids to cope with and process strong negative emotions is an important and necessary part of parenting, however there are also those times where your child may just be stuck in a pattern of mild negativity, or “grumpiness” and it’s great to teach them some tools to break a niggling negative state too. Here are some of my favourite ways of “snapping out of it” which you and your kids can try and see which ones work best for you… or even better, grab a pen and paper and brainstorm some fun new ones! Imagine a time when you were really happy. Imagination is a powerful tool – mostly because the unconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between fantasy and reality – so just imagining yourself in a happier frame of mind can transport you there instantly. Jump up and down. Have you ever seen a miserable child on a trampoline? No, of course not. Physical activity releases endorphins into the blood stream, telling our bodies that they’re happy and feeling wonderful. So jump, run, swim, dance, whatever you can that will get that energy flowing. Listen to some uplifting music. We all have that song or album that really lifts our moods, makes us smile, and brings joy into our lives. Introducing your child to some of your music can be a fun and fulfilling sharing experience on its own, but you can also help your child to find the beats that move them out of stuckness! Google baby animals. Or anything that gives you that “aaahhh” feeling, that sense of wonder and beauty and the awesomeness of the world we live in. Gratitude. Finding just a few things in your immediate surroundings to be grateful for is one of the quickest and simplest ways to shift a negative state. In fact, it’s a worthwhile thing to do every day no matter what state you’re in. Gratitude is about focusing on the positive aspects of your life and the more you do this, the more things you create to be grateful for. Laughter. Now this may seem like an odd thing to do when you’re feeling glum, but smiling or laughing for no particular reason is so incongruent with feeling miserable that you simply will not be able to maintain your misery as you laugh. Again, Google is your friend – find a funny clip on Youtube, watch a funny movie, think of a funny thing someone said, tell each other jokes, or even just make yourself laugh for no reason at all (try it – breath out heavily and right at the end of your outbreath make a deep, guttural “ha ha ha” sound. Before you know it you will be laughing for real – and your kids will love it! Happiness is a choice and the choice can only be made now. Make it, and be the change you want to see in your kids!

Parenting Hub

Nanny, Creché, Au Pair – What’s Best For You?

There are few things in life that are more daunting for any parent than handing over your precious little child to someone else to care for. Whether it is a Mom returning to work after maternity leave, or a stay at home Mom needing some help at home, finding the right child care, and the right person to care for your child is a decision that requires a lot of thought and planning – and ultimately, following your instinct. In an ideal world, or one the pictures in magazines would have us believe, we could all blissfully stay at home with our kids, frolicking in parks, doing crafts or baking, and not having a care in the world. However, in reality, most Moms today need to work, whether from home, or traveling to an office each day. Most stay-at-home Moms are also finding that they need some assistance with the kiddies, to get other tasks done, or simply for sanity sake. Moms feel tremendous guilt about “outsourcing” their childcare. But we need to acknowledge and understand that there is nothing to feel guilty about. In past times, wealthy families would also have “governesses” or nannies, and even in the poorer families, older children and family members would help to care for smaller siblings and children. The only difference now is that we have considerably more choice about who can look after our children, and where they can be cared for. But there are always factors to consider in selecting the right childcare option. A few questions parents can ask, when selecting the best child care are: Do we have a family member that can assist caring for our child? What budget do we have for child care? Would we prefer our child to be in a group of children, or receive one-on-one care from a caregiver? What are the most important characteristics we need in the caregiver/school/nanny? Is my child in good health, or prone to getting ill (kids with lower immune systems should be kept home)? If my child attends crèche/school, who will be able to tend to child on sick days/during school holidays – so I have a granny, friend, maid I can leave child with? These questions will help to guide you with regards to whether having someone care for baby at home, or taking baby to crèche are more suitable. With home-based childcare, you normally have the option of an Au Pair, or a Nanny. The main difference between Au Pairs and nannies are that Au Pairs tend to be young ladies who are studying, or have just completed studies, and are working to either gain experience, or tide themselves over. An Au Pair will have a car and driver’s license, and are well suited to position where children can be taken to and from activities and extra-murals, and can help with home-work. In my personal experience as someone who trains and places child-minders, I have found that you do get some Au Pairs that are suited to caring for infants and small children, but I have found that the most value in Au Pairs is found when they are assisting older, more active toddlers and school going children. Au Pairs are costly though. The current cost of an Au Pair can range from R7 000 – 12 000pm for a full day Au Pair. Nannies are generally ladies that have a more basic education, and are very well suited to infant and child care. Because the majority of nannies range from 28-58years of age, these ladies are maternal, and often have had children of their own. A well trained nanny will be able to do all day to day care of the baby, such as nappies, bottles, sleep routines, bathing, feeding etc… as well as have a good knowledge of what to do in the event of an emergency. A nanny should also understand the importance of play, and will mentally stimulate a child as well as taking care of the physical needs of the child. A good nanny will make sure that the child develops not only by growing, but through play and social stimulation as well. Most nannies are also prepared to have an element of domestic work as part of their day-to-day duties; however, it is crucial that the nanny and parent both acknowledge that the care and well-being of the baby or child will come first. Many parent’s also employ a nanny-domestic to perform domestic chores in the morning (when kids are at school/crèche) and tend to kids in the afternoons or if the kids are off school ill, or on school holidays. Nannies can either reside at the premises of the employer (generally Monday to Friday), or can travel to work daily. A good Nanny or Nanny-domestic will cost from R2 500 – R4 500pm, depending on hours, duties, experience etc… Crèche’s are available all over, and today, we are seeing more and more companies opening day care facilities and crèche’s for the children of their staff – making it easier for working parents to drop and collect children from crèche. All crèche’s do need to be registered with provincial government, and need to adhere to certain regulations regarding safety, caregiver-to-child ratio’s etc… Children attending crèche are also exposed to other children, and thus have loads of social interaction. Unfortunately, due to this social interaction, children attending crèche are often prone to picking up bugs from one another, for this reason, most Paediatricians’ recommend keeping kiddies home until 3yrs. But that can be quite long for many kids, who do need the interaction sooner. Most crèche’s open early in the morning, and cater to parents who can collect their kids a little later (around 6pm). Some crèche’s cater to parent’s who also want to send children half-day, or a couple of days a week. Crèche’s can range from around R2 000pm-R5 000pm. At the end of the day, there are no right or wrong answers, and the choice of child care is a

Parenting Hub

Preparing Your Child to Make Good Choices in Mates

As I’m putting ink to paper this week to write my column, I’m having great difficulty blocking out the news of another tragedy where senseless killings were carried out in Isla Vista, California. Another 20-something male decided to end his life, and took six innocent young people with him. What makes this incident more difficult for me is the fear I feel for my 16-year-old who is starting to date. She is going to meet young men and develop relationships. But what if she rebuffs a young man who feels like the California killer did, alienated and rejected to the point where he decides that death is the appropriate punishment. Domestic violence, bullying, and teen dating violence are very serious issues that too many people feel too apprehensive and uncomfortable talking about. But how can we stop these incidents? We certainly can’t know or make accusations about someone else’s mental stability, and we certainly can’t lock up our teens and young adults to keep them from meeting the wrong people. What we can do to minimize the chances of our teenagers getting into relationships with those who are emotionally unbalanced, is to take necessary measures to strengthen our sons’ and daughters’ intuitions. We can help them realize that the initial feelings they get when they have an experience are both real and valid. We can help them understand that those initial responses – whether they are good or bad – are telling them something about the situation they are in. Here are 6 things you can begin doing immediately to help your child discover, recognize, listen to, and trust his or her own intuitive feelings and inner wisdom: Share Experiences From Your Own Life. Create comfortable conversations with your child so you can share experiences where you listened and followed your own intuition and strong feelings to a good outcome. Help Them Learn How to Trust Their Own Intuition. Talk openly about intuition – what it is, what it feels like, and how to respond to it. Invite them to come up with examples of times when they’ve experienced their own intuition. Respectful Treatment by Others. Be a good role model on how to treat others, and set clear guidelines for your children on how they should expect others to treat them. We Tell Others How to Treat Us. Share with your children that how we act around others, how we dress, and even how we talk can set precedence for how others will treat us. Create More Silence. Create moments of peacefulness for you and your child. Ban media devices from their bedrooms and minimize unnecessary noise from televisions and radios. Prayer, Meditation, or Just Moments of Silence. Promote prayer or meditation with your family, or simply create moments of silence. Teach them how to find and listen to the peacefulness within. Once our children ‘spread their wings’ toward adulthood, we can’t very well control who they interact with, or especially, who they choose to date and invite into their lives. The power we possess is with what we choose to do now while we still have them at home with us. Don’t let the fear of the unknown for your child’s future paralyze you. Let it sharpen your parenting knowledge so you can do what’s best now to better prepare them for what lies ahead.

Parenting Hub

Recording a Family History

What if you or your children wrote down the history of your family or the experiences of senior family members for future generations to read and share?  What if you encouraged your children to interview grandparents to learn about their earliest experiences and recorded those interviews for inclusion in a family manual?  Here is an idea on that very premise from a great book on family meetings. The book is OUR FAMILY MEETING BOOK (Free Spirit Books, 2002) by Elaine Hightower and Betsy Riley, and I had the honor to interview the authors when the book first hit the market.  Unfortunately it is out of print today, but a quick search on Amazon or ebay often times turns up used copies in very good condition, and for very cheap.  In this fabulous book, Ms. Hightower and Ms. Riley offer up 52 family meeting agendas, along with suggested activities and topics for each meeting. One meeting agenda and topic suggestion comes along in week 7 and is titled RESPECT YOUR ELDERS.  In the description it offers a Ghanian proverb, “Because your parents took care of you while you were cutting your teeth, you should take care of them while they are losing theirs.”  The description for the week’s exercise goes on to point out that modern generations of families are often times living far apart and distant from family members. Have you thought about having your children interview senior members of the family to learn about their accomplishments and achievements in their earlier years?  What about asking them questions such as “Where did you live when you were my age?” “What was your school like?” “What was your favorite food or toy?” “How did you celebrate holidays? My own great grandfather fought in World War I and I remember asking him about his experiences in the war.  He was an infantry soldier and the tales he told me when I was a boy were hard for me to grasp back then.  I wish I had formally interviewed him and recorded the stories he told to me so that I could have had the details to read and understand today. My maternal grandfather did not go to war, but he worked at the Springfield Armory, making weapons and artillery for use by the U.S. military.  As a young adult, I took every opportunity to ask him questions about his work, what the conditions were like, and how he paid his bills.  Some of the most difficult times he shared with me were getting to work when weather and road conditions were treacherous to travel.  There was not much of a department of public works back then and employers didn’t care much about what it took to travel to the armory. My wife’s father was considered somewhat of a spy in World War II.  He had amazing drawing talent and was sent into enemy territory to record camp layouts and troop movements.  He did an amazing thing by recording his experiences in a hand-written, book-length journal, complete with illustrations.  My wife and I will soon publish his book for many to read and enjoy for years to come. Are you fortunate to still have your parents or your grandparents in your life?  Perhaps now would be a good time to schedule some time with them to interview them about their childhood or experiences from long ago.  Your children will cherish them for many years to come.

Parenting Hub

Getting Kids to do Chores

Do your kids whine and moan about having to help you around the house or yard?  Does it seem like pulling teeth to get them to do the smallest of tasks?  And if you do assign them some household chore, do they avoid doing it until you are yelling and doling out punishments?  If you’re finding yourself in this situation way too often, let me offer some advice. When you think back to your own childhood, you probably hated the thought of having to do your chores too. Why? Because many parents ruled with the “iron hand” of autocracy to ensure that you did what you were told. Most parents today have replaced that unhealthy approach to parenting with more democratic means for raising their children. The bottom line is that when you remove fear from rearing children, you leave room for opinions, feelings, and resistance; all things that get in the way of efficiency. So how do you get kids to do their chores? If you’re using more respectful and democratic parenting methods at home like I am, then the secret is to extend that style of parenting to chores. This means setting things up in advance, incorporating their opinions and ideas, and establishing verbal and written agreements. It also means using respect to get them to follow through when they fall short. As part of your next weekly or bimonthly family meeting, establish the list of chores the grownups will do and ask everyone to help construct a list of all the other chores that need to be done.  Listen to your children’s and teen’s ideas on how and when these chores will get done.  Draft a schedule that everyone agrees to and consider getting everyone to sign it. If any of your children are extremely resistant and uncooperative, postpone the discussion until the next meeting. Chore assignments will be more effective when you have a unanimous agreement by all family members.  It’s also equally important that all chores have an assigned date, time, and schedule for completion.  There should be no question as to when it should be done and what the finished job looks like. I cannot emphasise enough the importance of using very specific parameters when getting kids to complete tasks.  And most importantly, you do not have an agreement with a child until they utter the words of the entire agreement! Whenever you notice that someone did not complete an assigned and agreed upon chore, commit to NOT coaxing, reminding, or scolding. In fact, do not speak at all! Simply find that child in question and placing your hand on his or her back, gently and lovingly guide them to the location of the chore that wasn’t completed. If they resist and fight your guidance, then something in your relationship with that child needs to be addressed before this follow-up method will work. Finally, I’m often asked at what age a child is old enough to help with chores.  My suggestion is that children as young as preschoolers can do some chores, but of course, the task assigned to them must be age and ability appropriate. Getting children this young to cooperate with chores and tasks requires that the assignments be few, simple, easy to do, and implemented with lots of fun, excitement, and praise when successfully completed.

Parenting Hub

Five Ways of Turning Your Husband into a GREAT Dad

Father’s Day is here and many spouses or partners are probably trying to come up with some unique ideas for helping to make their kids and step kids’ dad feel special this weekend. My own kids will be here for a picnic and my wife will do another fantastic job of orchestrating another great day for me. But there is more to helping a father feel like a great dad than cake, new tools and gourmet burgers on the grill. It requires some relationship techniques that any partner or spouse can master to make any caring father an awesome dad. In turn it will contribute to a stronger and more loving relationship between you and him. Here are 5 things for turning your husband into a great dad: Praise Him Privately. If you don’t feel that he’s sharing parenting duties with you fairly, it could be that he’s not feeling encouraged enough to step up to the plate. Commit to giving him lots of encouragement away from the kids, even if he makes mistakes. If you notice that he’s not handling a situation very well, avoid the urge to run in and take over. Go for a walk and let it go. Things will work out on their own. Correcting him in front of the kids or forcing them to pick a favorite parent are not good ideas. Speak Respectfully in His Absence. It’s normal for the kids to complain about one parent to the other. Commit to always speaking respectfully when he’s not around. Encourage the kids to bring up their complaint directly to him or bring them together to talk and you facilitate. Don’t take sides, even if their dad behaved badly, but definitely let them talk about what happened and how it made them feel. Also avoid joining in on husband-bashing conversations when out with girlfriends. It could get back to him or at the very least, it will fuel you’re negative feelings about your relationship with him. Men and Women Show Love Differently. If he demonstrates his love for the kids differently than you, don’t instantly try and convert him. A woman I know complained that her husband didn’t show her any love, yet he would always clean the snow and ice off of her car before he left for work each morning. Just because his means of loving the kids doesn’t look exactly like yours, doesn’t mean he should be corrected or changed. Read the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman for more help on this topic. Find Out How He Was Parented. Many adults recreate the way they were parented in their own families. Talk to his parents to learn more about the style of parenting they used when he was a boy. If you were each raised differently, take a parenting class or read a parenting book together to learn new methods. Some men don’t like to read self-help books but they might listen to an audio version in the car. Be ready to be vulnerable to learning new methods yourself and avoid thinking your way is the only way. Focus on Your Parenting Skills, Not His. Finally, if your attempts to get him to step up to the ‘parenting plate’ have been futile, remain steadfast in being a good, positive parent yourself anyway. If you’re able to obtain successful results with the kids, he is likely to see them and wonder how you did it. This may be enough to make him curious to want to join in. Be kind and supportive of him as your husband and a father. As my grandmother use to say, “You’ll attract more bees with honey, not vinegar,” meaning, you’ll get more of what you want with kindness and not bitterness.

Mia Von Scha

Constructive Criticism that doesn’t Damage Self-Esteem

I was reading an article recently that said that most children at pre-school level have a very high self-esteem compared to only about 30% who still felt this by the end of Primary School. There are a number of things that we can do to safeguard against this loss of confidence such as having a high self-esteem ourselves, allowing for mistakes, not comparing our kids to each other and being present for them, but the one I’d like to point out is the need to watch the way in which we criticize. We all need to correct our children at some point, and it is important to do this in such a way that they still feel loved and valued. Part of this is to continually reiterate that they are not their behavior – if something needs to be corrected, it is the behavior that is problematic and not them. Another useful tip is to use the feedback sandwich. A feedback sandwich means that we begin with a compliment or some form of positive feedback, then move on to the thing or behavior that needs to be modified, the criticism itself, and then end with another positive reinforcement. For example… I am really impressed with the effort you have put into your schoolwork this term (positive feedback) AND I think that even though you really need to put in a bit of extra time on your maths (criticism), that if you keep working this well you are going to ace this year (positive feedback). Please note the use of the word AND rather than BUT. When you say something and then add a BUT to it, your child will disregard the entire first part of the sentence as untrue. You will notice that this kind of criticism leaves the child feeling good rather than feeling terrible and wanting to give up. Please keep in mind that the positive feedback must be genuine – it shows that you have really noticed something that they are doing or are doing well and that you’re not just making something up to make them feel better. And remember to compliment your children at other times too – let’s put as much effort into catching them doing things right as we do into catching them doing things wrong!

Parenting Hub

Parenting Mistakes You Don’t Know You’re Making!

Have you ever though about the underlying messages that your children pick up from the things you’re doing or saying? We experienced this with my 6-year-old one weekend when we were away with friends. She approached my husband and asked him, “Daddy, why do you love those people more than me?” He was, of course, shocked and said that of course he didn’t’, to which she replied, “Then why do you spend all your time with them?” Children are making all sorts of assumptions based on our behavior, and these hidden messages that you don’t know you’re giving off directly affect their self-image, confidence and later success in life. Imagine that you are in a restaurant with your little one and he blows bubbles in his milkshake (as all children do) a little too hard, spilling it all over the table and your new bag. As you freak out – “Arrrgh, what a mess, you’ve ruined my new bag, why did you have to do that?!”, could there possibly be a hidden message that the bag is more important than him? Or that it’s not ok to make mistakes? Do we really want our kids growing up afraid to make mistakes? Isn’t fearlessness and the ability to take action and recover quickly from mistakes the mark of a successful person? And aren’t people ALWAYS more important than things? Or perhaps imagine yourself on the phone to Telkom for a neverending issue that you’re having with your ADSL (I think we can all relate). As you scream and swear and generally lose the plot, what do you think your child is learning about the worth of other people? About how to handle challenging situations? About what constitutes something worth getting worked up about? About our ability as human beings to remain peaceful within regardless of what is going on around us? How you spend your time, your reactions to little daily occurrences, these are the things that your children are watching and learning from, not the things that you consciously lecture them about over dinner. What are they learning from you? You’ll be surprised how much they pick up on – even when you think they’re not watching or listening. Little sponges, remember! So remember, the best lessons that your children get from you are all from how you live your own life. In other words, be the change you want to see in your kids.

Parenting Hub

Empower your Child with Healthy Thinking Habits

How many of us teach our child to read, the times tables, how to ride a bicycle, cooking skills or manners? As parents we are constantly teaching, sometimes without even realising it. While children learn and absorb all that is being taught there is one common denominator that is being used. The Brain. Our thoughts are a soup of all sensory experiences reaching from today back to our formative years. For most of us, children included, memories and emotions from all different time frames pop up in our minds at random moments without explanation. This subconscious part of our brain is dominant when our minds drift, we daydream or perform actions on auto pilot. How often doesn’t that happen? 95% of the time. This can be distractive as well as destructive. So how can the youth take charge of their mind, their body and their life? Constructive training of the mind. When we learn something new we are in a heightened state of awareness, by repetition our conscious and alert mind steps back, yawns, and says “Been there done that” and so the automatic subconscious takes the front seat.   The subconscious area of our brain, the holder of habits, is where all of our automatic responses arise from.   Thus through repetition of constructive exercises the subconscious will ensure healthy reactions. For example, if a child repeats daily affirmations focused on current values, when posed with a challenge the automatic response will be, without thinking, ‘Yes I can’ rather than ‘No, I can’t’. During my creative work with thousands of drama students between ages four and eighteen years, along with my continuing experience as a full time mom I have found the following practices really work: Affirmations – “I am … “ (fill in the gaps with what the individual would like to enhance, the emphasis being on detail). Eg: instead of “I am clever”, rather “I am in control of my mind, I can easily understand maths sums”. Let the child write their own affirmation about what is important to them as this will empower them and assist them to remember it and repeat it daily. Breathing – Shortness of breath can add to high emotions and unclear thoughts. This brain refresher should be used throughout the day when needed: Breathe in deeply and slowly, fill your lungs completely and exhale completely, breathing slowly. Listening – Quieten the mind by listening like a sponge. For a period of ten minutes ask your child to not think of responses while some one else is talking, just listen. This encourages the child to be present in the moment and really absorb the information that is being relayed. Visualising – This tool uses the mind to assist in problem solving or reaching a specific goal. Target a specific area that the child wishes to change and/or improve. Create a scene that solves the problem or reaches the goal. The more details the better. The child should visualise the scene with eyes closed for at least five minutes. The more it is practiced the more effective it will be. Thought Control – A child tends to verbalise thoughts as they occur so it is easy to hear thought patterns. Monitor this and if the child is bashing the self down instead of building the self up stop him/her immediately. Explain, for example: “You can’t expect to win the prize for english if you keep judging and criticising your work”. Encourage and remind the child to stop a negative thought as it happens and replace it with an affirmation. Have your child make and place cards around the house as a reminder of the above. By regularly following these few easy steps you will give your child the gift of leading a fulfilled life through mature self-confidence, determination and inspiration.   Dr Wayne Dyer, an American psychologist and international best seller of “When you change your thoughts, you change your life”, says: “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”.

Good Night Baby

The Magic of Melatonin

Is it really so easy? – Just give my child a magic pill? I wish I could create a magic formula that would make children sleep better at night. Imagine! You just sprinkle them with this magic fairy dust and they will happily travel to la-la land… Believe me, individuals (and companies in it for the big bucks) are continually trying: Just bathe your baby in these special salts Just feed your baby this special Night-Night baby food Just put on this light during the night Just switch on this special CD Just wrap them in this special blanket I’ve heard it all before… in fact, I tried most of this on my own child when he wasn’t sleeping. And while some studies have shown that melatonin can be helpful with autistic children or children with ADHD most babies and children do not need melatonin; they need to be taught good, independent sleep skills (which, unfortunately for us you can’t find in a magic formula. It takes hard work). Here is the scary part: because melatonin is contained naturally in some foods, the US Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act of 1994 allows it to be sold as a dietary supplement which does not need to be approved by the Food and Drug administration. This means that although Melatonin could possibly affect growth, sexual development and puberty and cause side effects like headaches, drowsiness and stomach aches it is not tested because it is seen as a “natural” “homeopathic” type medicine. (Gasp here!!!) But what is really alarming these days is the number of clients we work with that are giving their children sedative medication or a Melatonin supplement. The sad truth is that Melatonin is definitely not a long term solution for your child’s sleep problems. Do we really want to give our children something of which we can’t prove the side effects, of which we don’t know the long term effects and which cannot be proven to solve the underlying problem anyway? Consider that when we are born we have the most Melatonin in our bodies that we will ever have during our lifetime as it does get less as we grow older. So is this drug really the answer to our problems! My opinion? A resounding no! To read more about Melatonin and what it does click here   

Parenting Hub

Children Need to Run Wild and Free

Many parents have fond childhood memories of playing in the street with friends, roller-skating and riding bikes until the street light came on, with parents often not even knowing how far down the street the children had roamed. Things like building a neighbourhood fort, or going over for a swim at the neighbours were some of the many activities children could indulge in when they were young. However, as we are all aware, times have changed. The need to be vigilant against hijackings, robberies, child abductions, inconsiderate road users and bullies means we now make ‘playdates’ for our kids, and don’t let them out of our sight for a second. Riding bikes in the road is only permitted if there is strict supervision, and as busy parents we tend to rather shove in a DVD and tell them to be quiet. Whilst this will most likely mean most of us will never have to experience the tragedy of losing a child, it also means a sad loss of a really meaningful childhood for our children. They will not learn life’s lessons in the same way we did – falling out of trees or having to stand up against that bully. They will most likely learn these from watching the telly. It is for this very reason that Zoe Ellender founded Sugar Bay Luxury Holiday Resort for Kids & Teens, on the north coast of KwaZulu Natal. Zoe believed that in order to grow independent, responsible young adults, children need the space to be able to participate in great adventures, make friends from around the world, learn to flex their wings in a safe environment, and experience the holiday of a lifetime. The birth of Sugar Bay gave campers these privileges. Now children return home from Sugar Bay having met children from around the world, from different walks of life, having participated in activities that have challenged them physically, as well as mentally. Children also feel comfortable expressing their emotions in this safe and non-threatening, non-judgemental environment with the emotional support of their counsellors, who become like their older sibling for the duration of camp. The challenge for parents is to allow their children these opportunities to grow and develop without tightening the restraints, but rather granting them the freedom to develop into well rounded individuals. Holiday camps offer parents peace of mind so that they can let their children go, knowing that they will be having a fantastic time in a safe and fun environment.  

Parenting Hub

10 Steps to Tantrum-Free Shopping

I’ve just spent most of the weekend at a busy shopping centre (luckily without my kids) observing the general weekend chaos of parents and kids doing the weekly shop. This is a stressful experience for most – both kids and parents alike, so here they are – the Golden Rules for a peaceful shopping experience…  Shop without your kids. Too obvious? Really, if you can (and I know there are times when you can’t which is why there are another 9 rules) leave the kids behind. Do the shopping when they’re at school, or leave them with your partner, your mother, a friend or child-minder. Shopping is quicker and a whole lot easier without attachments!! Shop at quieter times. Shopping centres can be very overwhelming with all the lights, loud noises and people. Try to do your shopping at times when the centre will be quieter, like during the week or early in the morning on the weekend. Keep it short. I find that I am exhausted after an hour or two of shopping, so imagine what it is like for your kids. Keep your shopping trips short and focused. Make a list. And stick to it. This makes the shopping quicker, and you can also explain to the kids before you go that you are only buying what’s on your list. Then the answer to every “Can I have this?” is – “Well, is it on the list?” Make a wish list for your child. Have a little notebook and pen that you keep in your bag and every time they want something tell them it’ll be added to their wish list. In this way you don’t have to buy everything they want, but they know they have been heard and acknowledged and that it is normal to want things. And, when birthday times come, you already know what they would like! Make sure your kids are not hungry, thirsty or tired. Even adults get cranky when they haven’t eaten or slept well, so do your shopping after nap-time, feed them before you go, and take healthy snacks and water along on the trip. Take some entertainment along. Kids sitting in trolleys get bored. Take a book, toy or colouring-in materials along and let them entertain themselves. Give your child an important job to do. If they’re old enough you can get them to push the trolley (some shops have mini trolleys for kids so that they can have their own one), or they could be in charge of crossing things off on the list, or counting the items in the trolley, or spotting an important item that you mustn’t forget. Let them know how much they’re helping you. Have fun! How can you expect them to enjoy the shopping if you aren’t? Race the trolley, play “I spy”, chat to them, and find ways to make it an enjoyable shared experience. Expect cooperation. Children are naturally cooperative – they want to please their parents and do the right thing. So if they’re not doing this, know that something has gone awry and stay calm enough to figure out what it is. Are they tired, hungry, bored, frustrated, feeling ignored, not feeling needed, uncertain of what to expect or how long it will take…? Take a few deep breaths, slow down, and figure out what is going on before it escalates. Shopping is a part of our lives, not something that must be rushed through so that we can get back to living. And it doesn’t have to be stressful. Slow down, and find ways to make it an enjoyable part of the time you spend with your children.

Parenting Hub

Decorating your Child’s Room

Decorating a child’s room can be exciting and fun. You don’t have to be an interior decorator to come up with great ideas for the bedroom… My son’s room has evolved from soft cream and blue to a stone and navy blue colour with accessories in green because green is his absolute favourite colour. My daughter’s room was pink and white and is still pink and white with some purple because those are still her best colours. The bedroom should reflect your child’s personality, with you hopefully bringing in some of the good taste.  If you are decorating your child’s room, then I have 8 tips on how to do it… Speak with your child – This is one room that your child is going to love to spend time in and entertain their friends too, so ask them what their likes and dislikes are. Take into account what fairy tales or cartoon characters they like, what their favourite colour is and the type of activities they enjoy. Work all of their interests into a design that is going to make them feel happy, comfortable and safe. Go for a fun theme – Allow your child to select the design theme. The choices are endless. Here are just a few: firehouse fun room, starry night, angels, rainbows, unicorns, sports, princesses and castles, underwater scenery, outer space, racing cars, planes and helicopters, trains, jungle motifs, wizards and dragons, and dinosaurs. Add colour and texture with wallpaper or paint – With wallpaper or paint, you can add texture and colour to the room. Simple wall decorations can also brighten up your child’s room. You can paint the room with bright colours to give it a fresh, new look  but you should limit any strong colour to only one wall. For example, paint one wall fire-engine red and the others a soft peach or pink.  Use wallpaper to add interest and texture. You can apply decorative borders along the walls like stripes or characters, and clouds or stars on the ceiling. Make it so that the room is multi-functional – Children use their bedroom for many other activities besides just sleeping. Therefore, it should consist of different zones. You could have a space to play and a music area. Also, create a comfort zone area in the room, for cuddling up and reading. Think about using big pillows, plush or inflatable chairs, anything your child might enjoy to sit on and relax in.  Storage should be priority – Containing that clutter in the kid’s bedroom is going to be one of your biggest challenges. Try large decorating wicker baskets, plastic see- through containers, book shelves and cupboards with lots of shelves. The right lighting is important – For the bedroom, it is important that you choose the right lighting. This should include a lamp that is used for reading and homework. If you can, try and put a dimmer switch on the overhead lights to create a more soothing mood. Other lighting effects kids enjoy include disco lights, rows of flowers with light effects, and glow in the dark items. Accessorise – Fun accessories can also be used to decorate your child’s room. Pom poms, fringe or sequin trim on pillows, blankets, curtains or shelves can be made use of, in decorations. A selection of frames can be displayed in groups with photos, or your child’s artworks displayed inside the frames. You can make use of fun paintings and posters to decorate the kid’s room in a funky way. Balloons also convey a sense of joy and fun in the room. Fluffy throw rugs or shaped rugs can be placed on the floor, to make it look lively. A rug not only makes the room attractive but also gives your child a warm and cosy place to read, colour or play. Stripes that pick up the colours on the wall or the bed also look fun on a rug. Let your child help – As you are decorating the child’s bedroom, allowing your child to help is a good idea. Let them have a say in the fabrics, colours and collectibles that they would like to have in their room. The design should be something that the child likes. Working together on a decorating project is a great bonding opportunity. Children love being involved in making decisions. Research ideas in magazines and on the internet and have fun with it.

Parenting Hub

Rev Up for Reading

How does your child fare with reading? It’s one of the first skills taught at school and has far-reaching consequences throughout your child’s life. In simple terms, literacy is the ability to read and write as well as understand and analyse the written word. Susan du Plessis, Director of Educational Programs at Edublox Reading and Learning Clinic, says that the implications of a child struggling to read is a serious one — a poor reader is inevitably a poor learner. The PIRLS study conducted in 2006 compared the reading abilities of children in 40 countries. South African readers were placed last. Of the Grade 4 learners tested, only 13% reached the lowest benchmark, compared with 94% internationally. Stats like this are cause for concern. The benefits of healthy reading stretch far beyond the classroom. So why is reading such a crucial skill in a modern age? Reading builds vocabulary Reading will help your child learn new words and build his vocabulary. Children also learn better language skills as they read — from sentence structure and good grammar, to new words not encountered in the child’s immediate surroundings. Reading also helps children to learn how stories are structured and the more kids read, the better writers they become. Many subjects, especially in high school, require written essays where good writers can obtain better marks. Reading improves concentration and aids relaxation Taking time out to read can help your child learn to concentrate better and focus on one task. Modern kids are so bombarded with sound, light and movement from electronic gadgets, that reading is actually relaxing for the brain. Readers are better spellers SMS language or ‘text talk’ — where 8 is ate and y is why — is contributing to a generation of poor spellers. Reading and spelling form a two-way street — each aids the other. In the higher grades, marks are deducted for spelling errors, so better spelling means better marks. In business, poor spelling is unprofessional… and before you hit spell check, remember, it’s never completely accurate! Reading can be a social activity Parents and caregivers can make reading to a younger child a special daily bonding time. Book clubs or library story time bring children from all walks of life together. They learn listening skills and then have an opportunity to articulate what they have heard and give their own opinions on the story with their peers. Words are building blocks — even in technology Many people believed that the birth of the Internet spelt the death of the written word, but the reality is that words and reading have become an even bigger part of our lives. Words are building blocks that are required in all walks of life — from writing a letter to a friend, to a slide presentation viewed by hundreds of people at a business conference. Being able to read and write is essential for communication in our technological age — just think of the number of e-mails sent around the world every day. Digital devices have an important role to play in our children’s lives but parents should also encourage kids to read print books. Digital does have some advantages over print (it’s interactive and helps to develop hand-eye co-ordination), but holding a book and turning pages is a tactile experience for children. They also tend to concentrate more on reading the actual words and understanding the story than anticipating what clicking on the next icon will bring. Reading is key in education and enrichment While reading is crucial for learning and achieving throughout the school career and into university, reading can also enrich a child’s life outside of the classroom. Avid readers often have an excellent general knowledge. Reading is a brain exercise — the more you do it the better you get!

Parenting Hub

How a bespoke Last Will & Testament will save your business

Take a moment. ….Now take a deep breathe.  Imagine that was your last.  Nightmare! You can’t imagine anything worse, right? Wrong!  Now imagine this night terror… You’re unprepared for death.  Everything you’ve spent your life working so hard for, your business, your immortal legacy, your white Pickett fenced home, your precious children and your loyal Labrador are all wasted away in the hands of the South African default system and the taxman. If you do not have a Last Will & Testament (“Will”) in place, this is the detrimental reality your empire and your loved ones face.   If you have a template “google” version of a Will, be cautioned that that is potentially more hazardous than not having a Will in place at all. Entrepreneurs and business owners are often concerned with limiting business risk.  In order to do so it is vital to engage in an estate planning exercise which ensures that your business interests and your empire are given mechanisms to survive your death, whether it be that your business interest is inherited by a family member or your business co-owners are given a mechanism to pay your business interest over to your loved ones.  Failing to do so is likely to result in major losses and the crashing of an empire. It is imperative to have a bespoke Will drafted by a professional who, through their vast knowledge of the law, is able to tailor the most suitable estate planning mechanisms which give effect to your intention … and a little less for the taxman. What to put in your will… Your voice and instruction, enforceable by law, as to the division of your assets (your business in it’s entirety, the house, the car, investments, the special ring you want your daughter to have). i.e “who gets what”. As a business owner a valid will allows you to leave an immortal legacy. Often sole trader and partnership run businesses are left in a detrimental situation on the passing of a key player. The business is abandoned, only to later be sold for well under market value, by an executor with no relevant business experience or who isn’t given sufficient powers in order to protect your business interests during the winding up process. Powers granted to your executor in terms of your Will. As well as mechanisms to ensure your loved ones are protected against your enterprise’s debt liabilities. A business owner will always have debt liabilities from which your loved ones need to be protected; In practice, we often see many a business having to be liquidated or sold just to cover taxes payable. There is a dire need to minimize tax and estate duty payable whether through the creation of separate business and personal asset trusts, or otherwise.  There are options available to every circumstance and every lifestyle to sidestep many of the financially detrimental consequences of your passing away. It is your benefit to make use of these. As a parent of minor children, the appointment of the desired and most compatible guardians for your children. Leaving the appointment of the caretakers and the future of your children, where you are not here to safeguard them, should not be left in the hands of a Court or a distant relative you haven’t seen (or liked) in years. An Executor who will be responsible for winding up your estate and manage your affairs as if he or she had set foot in your shoes. Bear in mind that the executor is entitled to remuneration of 3,5% of your gross assets and 6% of any cash value of  your estate.  Value which rightfully belongs to your family, not a financial institution. For this reason we advise our clients to nominate a family member as executor who is then able to appoint professional agents to assist in the winding up process for a mutually agreeable fee. A Testamentary Trust– it’s structure and inner workings to assist you in “asset protection, estate duty savings, dilution of income tax and the protection of beneficiaries such as minor children and/or incapacitated” heirs. Means for the maintenance of your dependent heirs are similarly put into place in this way. What makes a will valid… Validity hinges on a number of formalities which include:- signing within a certain measurement of the text at the end of the Will as possible, signing in the presence of at least 2 witnesses over the age of 16 and of sound mind, requirements to be met where a testator (or testatrix) is only able to sign by making a mark or otherwise, effecting valid amendments and formatting formalities. Please note that is by no means an exhaustive list Lack of compliance with these formalities has resulted in the Master’s Office rejecting Wills, leaving families deprived and having to resort to financially and emotionally costly High Court litigation. When not to use a free DIY online template… “Using a DIY will is like pulling out your own tooth with a pair of pliers instead of going to the dentist” A bespoke Will is an affordable investment for your estate as well as your heirs. Special Offer…  As a ParentingHub affiliate, MBI is offering you a 30% discount on all Estate Planning services which include drafting a Last Will & Testament, liquidity determination and strategy. Valid until end of February 2015. For a Free, no obligation, consultation to ensure your families future is taken care of, give our dedicated team at MBI Attorneys a call on:- Chantelle Martins                        Beverley Brown [email protected]        [email protected] 082 837 1358                                       082 573 9680 “Planning is bringing the future into the present so that you can do something about it now”.  

Parenting Hub

Dyslexia Symptoms and Signs: How to Recognize Dyslexia

“Deer momee and dadee I bo not wont to do to shool eny more becouse the children ar lafing at me. I canot reed pleese help me your sun david” David is not a dunce. In fact, according to the evaluations of a few professionals, he is rather intelligent. Yet he certainly has a problem, and he shares his problem with millions of other children and adults. David is dyslexic. The term “dyslexia” was introduced in 1884 by the German ophthalmologist, R. Berlin. He coined it from the Greek words dys meaning ill or difficult and lexis meaning word, and used it to describe a specific disturbance of reading in the absence of pathological conditions in the visual organs. In a later publication, in 1887, Berlin stated that dyslexia, “presuming right handedness,” is caused by a left-sided cerebral lesion. He spoke of “word-blindness” and detailed his observations with six patients with brain lesions who had full command over verbal communications but had lost the ability to read. In the century to follow the narrow definition Berlin attached to the term dyslexia would broaden. Today the term dyslexia is frequently used to refer to a “normal” child — or adult — who seems much brighter than what his reading and written work suggest. While the term is mostly used to describe a severe reading problem, there has been little agreement in the literature or in practice concerning the definition of severe or the specific distinguishing characteristics that differentiate dyslexia from other reading problems. Instead of getting involved in the wrangling over a definition, one could simply use the “symptoms” below as an indication that a child has a reading problem and therefore needs help. DIRECTIONAL CONFUSION Directional confusion may take a number of forms, from being uncertain of which is left and right to being unable to read a map accurately, says Dr. Beve Hornsby in her book Overcoming Dyslexia. A child should know his left and right by the age of five, and be able to distinguish someone else’s by the age of seven. Directional confusion affects other concepts such as up and down, top and bottom, compass directions, keeping one’s place when playing games, being able to copy the gym teacher’s movements when he is facing you, and so on. As many as eight out of ten severely dyslexic children have directional confusion. The percentage is lower for those with a mild condition, she says. Directional confusion is the reason for reversing of letters, whole words or numbers, or for so-called mirror writing. The following symptoms indicate directional confusion: The dyslexic may reverse letters like b and d, or p and q, either when reading or writing. He may invert letters, reading or writing n as u, m as w, d as q, p as b, f as t. He may read or write words like no for on, rat for tar, won for now, saw for was. He may read or write 17 for 71. He may mirror write letters, numbers and words. SEQUENCING DIFFICULTIES Many dyslexics have trouble with sequencing, i.e. perceiving something in sequence and also remembering the sequence. Naturally this will affect their ability to read and spell correctly. After all, every word consists of letters in a specific sequence. In order to read one has to perceive the letters in sequence, and also remember what word is represented by the sequence of letters in question. By simply changing the sequence of the letters in name, it can become mean or amen. The following are a few of the dyslexia symptoms that indicate sequencing difficulties: When reading, the dyslexic may put letters in the wrong order, reading felt as left, act as cat, reserve as reverse, expect as except. He may put syllables in the wrong order, reading animal as ‘aminal’, enemy as ’emeny’. He may put words in the wrong order, reading are there for there are. The dyslexic may write letters in the wrong order, spelling Simon as ‘Siomn’, time as ‘tiem’, child as ‘chidl’. He may omit letters, i.e. reading or writing cat for cart, wet for went, sing for string. Dyslexics may also have trouble remembering the order of the alphabet, strings of numbers, for example telephone numbers, the months of a year, the seasons, and events in the day. Younger children may also find it hard to remember the days of the week. Some are unable to repeat longer words orally without getting the syllables in the wrong order, for example words like preliminary and statistical. DIFFICULTIES WITH THE LITTLE WORDS A frequent comment made by parents of children struggling with their reading is, “He is so careless, he gets the big difficult words, but keeps making silly mistakes on all the little ones.” Certainly, the poor reader gets stuck on difficult words, but many do seem to make things worse by making mistakes on simple words they should be able to manage — like ‘if’, ‘to’, ‘and’. The following are indications of problems with the little words: Misreads little words, such as a for and, the for a, from for for, then for there, were for with. Omits or reads twice little words like the, and, but, in. Adds little words which do not appear in the text. It is important to note that this is extremely common, and not a sign that a child is particularly careless or lazy. LATE TALKING Research has revealed a dramatic link between the abnormal development of spoken language and learning disabilities such as dyslexia. The following are just a few examples: A study in 1970 of Doctor Renate Valtin of Germany, based on one hundred pairs of dyslexic and normal children, found indications of backwardness in speech development and a greater frequency of speech disturbances among dyslexics than among normal children. According to Doctor Beve Hornsby, author of Overcoming Dyslexia, about 60 percent of dyslexics were late talkers. In her book Learning Disabilities, author Janet Lerner states, “language problems of one

Parenting Hub

Are You Spending Too Much Time Fighting Fires?

We can take two approaches to anything that we dedicate ourselves to maintain in our lives: proactive steps to avoid emergencies and reactive steps to handle the emergency when it occurs.  Let’s examine our health.  The proactive steps, or what I call preventive measures, are exercising regularly, implementing smart eating habits, and getting regular check-ups with our primary care physician.  When we don’t do this on a regular basis, we risk a health-related emergency that could cause us to have to take reactive actions, or what I call firefighting measures — drastic means to bring our health back or to just stay alive. In our world of finance, we know that we should be using preventive measures by making regular deposits in our various financial accounts, paying our creditors regularly, and keeping a watchful eye on our credit.  When we let it all slip and a financial emergency occurs, we must react with a fire fighting solution to find more money, seek financial assistance, or sell our possessions. We could not exist in this world without our relationships.  We need others to care for us, to love us, to work for and with us, and to help us achieve our objectives and goals.  Preventive maintenance of our relationships means checking in with people, providing things for others, letting them know we care, mentoring, and so on.  But, when we get too busy and don’t use the preventive measures that keep us connected, we may see emergency situations occur in our relationships such as backbiting, avoidance, sabotage, or abandonment of the relationship.  This could require firefighting actions to save the relationship such as making amends and apologies to others, or finding replacements and having to start over. Have you noticed that the actions are different?  Preventive discipline action items are completely different from firefighting discipline action items.  The actions you would take as preventive measures on your car, such as regular oil changes, tune-ups, and gasoline fill-ups, are not the same actions you would take to implement firefighting measures if it stopped running. Understanding and using this preventive vs. firefighting approach to anything in life, results in action plans for preventive management.  This reduces the chances of more costly and difficult firefighting actions required to save or repair what we have. Raising and disciplining children requires the same approach.  Firefighting discipline methods are actions a parent takes when the child is misbehaving and uncooperative.  At this point, we are at our wits’ end, ready to call for help, send our kids to the zoo, or find a parenting class.  Preventive discipline methods are actions a parent takes the rest of the time; when the children are NOT misbehaving.  It is difficult because it requires proactive measures when the kids are behaving well.  Usually when our children are cooperative and calm, we use this time to avoid disturbing them and to get things done.  But the fact is, if we spend more time using preventive discipline methods, we’ll spend less time using firefighting methods.

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Cognitive Skills Determine Learning Ability

Research has shown that cognitive skills are a determining factor of an individual’s learning ability. Cognitive skills are mental skills that are used in the process of acquiring knowledge; according to Oxfordlearning.com the skills that “separate the good learners from the so-so learners.” In essence, when cognitive skills are strong, learning is fast and easy. When cognitive skills are weak, learning becomes a struggle. Many children become frustrated and find schoolwork difficult because they do not have the cognitive skills required to process information properly. Many employees find themselves stuck in dead-end jobs that do not tap into their true vocational potential due to weak cognitive skills. In the later years of life, a lack of cognitive skills — poor concentration, the inability to focus, and memory loss — is a common problem that accompanies us. It should be noted that, irrespective of age, cognitive skills can be improved with the right training. Weak cognitive skills can be strengthened, and normal cognitive skills can be enhanced to increase ease and performance in learning. The following cognitive skills are the most important: Concentration Concentration is the ability to focus the attention on one single thought or subject, excluding everything else from the field of awareness. It is one of the most important abilities one should possess, as nothing great can be achieved without it. Students need to concentrate and focus on completing a homework assignment, a project, or review for a test in order to excel in school, learn the subject, and get good grades. Athletes need to concentrate on performance, execution, and strategy in order to do their best and overcome their opponent. Entrepreneurs need to concentrate on all the factors involved in starting a new business and promoting their product or service. They need to do this in order to get their idea off the ground and make their enterprise into a profitable entity. Business leaders need to concentrate on their company mission, vision, and strategies, as well as the work at hand, in order to stay ahead of their competitors. Workers need to concentrate on their jobs and fulfilling their supervisor’s goals, in order to complete projects and advance in their careers. Improving the ability to concentrate allows a person to avoid the problems, embarrassment, and difficulties that occur when the mind wanders. Better concentration makes studying easier and speeds up comprehension. It enables one to take advantage of the social and business opportunities that arise when individuals are fully attuned to the world around them. It helps one to focus on one’s goals and achieve them more easily. Perception Sensation is the pickup of information by our sensory receptors, for example the eyes, ears, skin, nostrils, and tongue. In vision, sensation occurs as rays of light are collected by the two eyes and focused on the retina. In hearing, sensation occurs as waves of pulsating air are collected by the outer ear and transmitted through the bones of the middle ear to the cochlear nerve. Perception, on the other hand, is the interpretation of what is sensed. The physical events transmitted to the retina may be interpreted as a particular color, pattern, or shape. The physical events picked up by the ear may be interpreted as musical sounds, a human voice, noise, and so forth. Lack of experience may cause a person to misinterpret what he has sensed. In other words, perception represents our apprehension of a present situation in terms of our past experiences, or, as stated by the philosopher Immanuel Kant (1724-1804): “We see things not as they are but as we are.” Deficits in visual perception can hinder a person’s ability to make sense of information received through the eyes, while deficits in auditory perception interferes with an individual’s ability to analyze or make sense of information received through the ears. A classic example of a deficit in visual perception is the child who confuses letters such as b, d, p and q. Many adults find their reading speed to be inadequate as a result of underlying perceptual deficits. By improving accuracy and speed of perception, one is able to absorb and process information accurately and quickly. Reading speed will also improve and reading problems can be overcome. Memory Memory is probably the most important of all cognitive functions. Roughly speaking, the sensory register concerns memories that last no more than about a second or two. If a line of print were flashed at you very rapidly, say, for one-tenth of a second, all the letters you can visualize for a brief moment after that presentation constitute the sensory register. When you are trying to recall a telephone number that was heard a few seconds earlier, the name of a person who has just been introduced, or the substance of the remarks just made by a teacher in class, you are calling on short-term memory, or working memory. This lasts from a few seconds to a minute; the exact amount of time may vary somewhat. You need this kind of memory to retain ideas and thoughts as you work on problems. In writing a letter, for example, you must be able to keep the last sentence in mind as you compose the next. To solve an arithmetic problem like (3 X 3) + (4 X 2) in your head, you need to keep the intermediate results in mind (i.e., 3 X 3 = 9) to be able to solve the entire problem. A poor short-term memory may lead to difficulties in processing, understanding and organization. By improving one’s short-term memory, one is better able to process, understand and organize incoming information. Long-term memory is the ability to store information and later retrieve it, and lasts from a minute or so to weeks or even years. From long-term memory you can recall general information about the world that you learned on previous occasions, memory for specific past experiences, specific rules previously learned, and the like. Research has shown that, on average, within 24 hours

Edublox - Reading & Learning Clinic

Reading Comprehension Problems

Reading comprehension is the heart and goal of reading, since the purpose of all reading is to gather meaning from the printed page. If a student says words in a passage without gathering their meaning, one would hesitate to call that reading. By age six to seven children should be sensitive to such characteristics of stories as the main character, sequence of events, inferences, the motives and feelings of characters, and sentence order. As they get older, children should be more efficient at recognizing and recalling facts, recognizing and inferring main themes and relationships, drawing conclusions, making judgments and generalizations, predicting outcomes, applying what has been learned, and following directions. The comprehension goals of the intermediate grades address these abilities as well as those required for independent study: skimming, using reference materials, outlining, summarizing, altering reading rate and focus as the purpose of reading changes, use of headings, note taking, and so on. For many learning-disabled students, reading comprehension is a major problem. There are mainly three causes for poor reading comprehension: 1.) The person has a language problem: Language plays a vital role in reading. Its role in reading can be compared to the role of running in the game of soccer or ice-skating in the game of ice hockey. One cannot play soccer if one cannot run, and one cannot play ice hockey if one cannot skate. One cannot read a book in a language unless one knows that particular language. If a child’s knowledge of English is poor, then his reading will also be poor, and naturally also his reading comprehension. 2.) The foundational skills of reading have not been automatized: When a person attempts to speak a language in which he has not become automatic yet, he will necessarily have to divide his attention between the content of his message and the language itself. He will therefore speak haltingly and with great difficulty. As Yap and Van der Leij explained in the Journal of Learning Disabilities, “if the skill on the primary task is automatized, it will not be disrupted by concurrent processing on the secondary task because automatic processing does not take up attentional resources. If, on the contrary, the skill is not automatized, it will be disrupted by concurrent processing of a second skill because two skills are then competing for limited attentional resources.” This also applies to the act of reading. The person, in whom the foundational skills of reading have not yet become automatic, will read haltingly and with great difficulty. The poor reader is forced to apply all his concentration to word recognition, and therefore has “no concentration left” to decode the written word, and as a result he will not be able to read with comprehension. 3.) The reader is unable to decode the written word: The decoding of the written word is a very important aspect of the reading act. Without being able to decode the written word, reading comprehension is impossible. This explains why some children can “read” without understanding what they are reading. To decode the written word the reader must be able to integrate what he is reading with his foreknowledge. Foreknowledge can be defined as the range of one’s existing knowledge and past experiences. If one reads something that cannot directly be connected to or tied in with knowledge that one already possesses, one cannot decode or decipher the contents of the message. As Harris et al. state in Learning Disabilities: Nature, Theory, and Treatment, “What a child gets from a book will often be determined by what the child brings to the book.” A decoding skill that is closely related to that of integration is classification. When a person sees a chair, although he may never have seen a chair exactly like this one, he will nevertheless immediately recognize it as a chair, because he is familiar with the class of objects we call “chair.” This implies that, whenever a name is ascribed to an object, it is thereby put into a specific class of objects, i.e. it is classified. The Gestalt principle of closure means that the mind is able to derive meaning from objects or pictures that are not perceived in full. W- -re s-re th-t y– w-ll b- -ble to und-rsta-d th-s s-ntenc-, although more than 25 percent of the letters have been omitted. The mind is quite able to bridge the gaps that were left in the sentence. The idea of closure is, however, more than just seeing parts of a word and amplifying them. It also entails the amplification of the author’s message. No author can put all his thoughts into words. This stresses the importance of foreknowledge. If it were possible for an author to put everything related to the subject he is dealing with on paper, the possession of foreknowledge would not have been necessary. That, however, is impossible, as an author can at most present a very limited cross-section of reality and the reader must be able to expand on this before comprehension becomes possible. Poetry is a good example of the importance of foreknowledge. Any person, who is unfamiliar with the Arthurian legend, will probably derive little meaning from a reading of Morte d’Arthur by Alfred Lord Tennyson. Lastly, imagination plays a role in decoding. It is doubtful whether a person really understands something unless he is able to think about it in terms of pictures. When we read, the words and thoughts comprising the message call up images in our mind’s eye. If this does not occur, the message will not make any sense. If you read or hear a sentence in an unfamiliar language, it will not make any sense to you, simply because none of the words will call up any pictures in your mind’s eye. This ability plays a very important role in the decoding of the written word. Furthermore, by using one’s imagination while reading, one’s emotions can be addressed during the reading act.

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Happy Parent, Happy Child

Two pianos were sitting next to each other in a room.  A person sitting at one piano pressed one key, causing a tone to fill the air.   Instantly, the string responsible for creating the same tone on the OTHER piano began to vibrate.  This isn’t the start of a joke, but an experiment that has been tested by physics experts.  The tone created by the first piano is a wave of vibrations that are absorbed by the strings on the other piano.  The one string on that other piano capable of producing the same tone that filled the air, responds by amplifying its own vibration. People behave in a similar manner as pianos.  When one person enters a room expressing emotion, it is quite likely that one or more other persons in that room are likely to instantly take on that emotion.  Has this ever happened to you; your significant other or child began to express an intensified level of joy, excitement, worry, fear or anger, and before you realized it, you too were feeling a similar sense of that same emotion? We are emotional creatures and we are each capable of taking on the emotion of someone we care about.  A close friend stops by with sad news and instantly we feel sad.  Our child arrives home announcing ecstatically that she’s won an award and we too are now feeling great joy.  Our significant other wakes up in a bad mood and we seem to absorb those vibrations, suddenly becoming moody ourselves. The parents I work with complain to me about their children; the kids won’t cooperate, they scream “NO” at their parents, they talk back, they have frequent meltdowns, and they won’t help out, just to name a few of the common challenges.  Some of the common causes of these types of frustrating behaviors are created by the parents, and include: a lack of consistency in rules, little or no boundaries, talking too much, too many outside activities for the kids to keep up with, too much ‘screen time,’ and not enough parent/child connection time. But one of the biggest causes is a lack of peace and calmness in the adults who care for the children.  Like the pianos, parents who have not been taking good care of themselves transmit negative frequencies to their families and then wonder why they aren’t getting the level of cooperation and peacefulness they desire.  If you want peaceful children, you must first become a peaceful parent. When I prescribe this solution to some parents however, I’m quickly met with resistance.  I hear comments such as, “When I can afford a nanny or a housekeeper, then I can become more calm and peaceful.”  I remember the challenge myself; employed full-time, working hard to maintain a peaceful home, and raising three young children who liked to fight and challenge me every step of the way. I realized that it was my responsibility to do whatever it took to learn how to calm myself and to take better care of me.  I quickly discovered that during weeks when I made time to take care of myself physically, spiritually, socially, and emotionally, it became easier for me to know how to handle situations at home and my children became easier to care for.  So what will YOU do this week to take better care of you?  Start by giving yourself permission to MAKE the time and follow through.

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Feeling Guilty? Think Again

When I was homeschooling my son, I was concerned that he was spending too much time with me.  I worried that his protected bubble was too calm, easy and slow-paced.  Now that he is going to school, I ask myself if he needs more of his own space; maybe he isn’t getting adequate family time; is his world too rushed for such a young being.  What else, I wonder, can I do to be a better parent? Parents naturally focus on their children and want the best for them.  This is normal and understandable.  However, too much fussing and worrying about the wrong reasons, can cause unnecessary distress for both parent and child.  There are times when we need to ‘let go’ and allow moments and experiences to unfold as they are meant to, without our interference.  Take my friend, for instance, who was visiting daycare centres for her toddler and came across one with video cameras linked to a site on the internet, allowing parents to have constant viewing access of their child.  In the end, she decided not to send her child there.  She knew that she would be glued to her screen, looking to see if her child is being looked after properly, criticising the caregivers and feeling bad that her child is not with her. Sometimes, a parents worry can arise from guilt, guilt of not doing enough or giving enough.  What is enough?  Are we determining what our offspring need according to what we instinctively feel or know is appropriate for them, or are we in the trap of behaving in a certain manner to adhere to social expectancies, peer pressure or societies judgements? Human behaviour specialist, Dr. John Demartini says, “Negative self talk gives you feedback that you are living according to others”.  And when this happens we need to realign ourselves to live according to our purpose.  In his course, ‘The Breakthrough Experience’, Dr. Demartini explains how to neutralise the feelings of guilt and shame by looking for it’s benefits.  Every situation has a positive and negative and as much as we may at first deny it, we will eventually realise, when we dig deep, that there is an upside to even difficult situations. Now that my son is at school I spend most of my time writing.  At first I felt guilty.  I was so used to being with him, guiding him and supporting him.  What if he needs me, what if the teacher doesn’t understand him, what if… These games of ‘What if’ can really consume ones time, thoughts and energy.  Funny thing is; it’s all in our head; based on our perception.  So I decided to work on balancing my perception.   There is power in writing, so I wrote down twenty reasons why my work is helping our family.  When I started to see the benefits of what I was doing and how it was serving my child, my partner and our home, the atmosphere changed.  By accepting myself and honouring the value in my daily actions, those around me soon awakened to this as well.  I never said anything to my family about this process but a few days later my son casually commented, “I’m so glad that you are working again and writing so much.  I like to see that”.  My heart soared. The benefits of acknowledging ourselves as worthy parents is an imperative part of child rearing.  If we want our sons and daughters to grow to become adults with self-worth, confidence, respect and dreams, then we need to start within ourselves.  No matter how much time or money we do, or do not, give our children, what is important is the quality of each moment.   Thus, it is the presence of the adults along with their balanced emotions that will provide a nurturing, stable environment, which in turn gives the brain an opportunity to maximise its development, and the physical body too. Proudly Sponsored by Helen Hansen Connect with Helen Hansen Via Her Website 

David Lorge

What is Cognitive Behavioural Coaching and how can it help your child?

The new buzzword in almost any community is Life Coaching. If you do not have a life coach, then there must be “something wrong”. But what is it about having a life coach that is creating such hype? I guess it would be the basic premise of psychodynamic psychology, namely, having an objective opinion guiding you through life’s ups and downs. But in this case you may as well ring up your best friend, its easier and cheaper. So I delved and dug around a little and in jolly old London I came across a new form of life coaching that your best friend certainly can’t help you with and I could not ignore. Three quarters of the children I have met are medicated. The anxiety and depression levels are at an all time high. When I was in school I had never heard of the term anxiety, and now nearly every child is talking about panic attacks and O.C.D. Children in my experience do not like to see “psychologists” in the classic sense of the word. However children see coaches all the time, netball coaches, cricket coaches, and soccer coaches to name a few. So why not take your child to a Cognitive coach? The effects are mind blowing: the children are excited. The teachers are excited, but more than anyone the parents are excited. Someone to actually help guide his or her children. But not just guide them; teach them actual skills to handle actual problems. What is Cognitive Behavioural Coaching? This is not classic coaching or individualised therapy; this is a hybrid approach that adopts a Cognitive Behavioural methodology to modify perceptions and emotions with the goal of transforming behavioural output for the betterment of the individual. It will enable the control of emotions, thoughts and self defeating beliefs that will lead to the promotion of flexible techniques to handle any stress or pressure that is inflicted on the people of today. It aims to enhance feelings of wellbeing and to equip individuals with the tools necessary to handle present problems and future challenges by taking control of their thoughts and thus control of their emotions, behaviours and life. When is Cognitive Behavioural Coaching Effective? Cognitive behavioural coaching is generally short-term and concentrated on helping clients deal with a very specific problem. During the course of treatment, people learn how to identify and change negative or distressing thought patterns that have a negative influence on behaviour. CBC is commonly used to handle a wide range of disorders including phobias, addiction, depression and anxiety. It is a new methodology based on research and it may just be the answer parents have been so desperately seeking

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What happens when you can’t sound out a word?

“Help Mom, I am stuck on this word?” What is your first reaction, “just sound it out”.  Good advice? Actually, not that good.  Sounding it out is not always the best strategy for figuring out a word. Learning to read individual words is hard work and not always as easy as parents may think. There are words that a child can memorize: these are called sight words. But there are a whole lot more words that children have to decode or figure out. So what should a parent do when their child comes across a word he doesn’t know or may have seen it once or twice but has not committed to memory yet? Tell them to sound it out, NOT ALWAYS. I am not saying phonics is not useful.  It is imperative that children know their letters and the sounds they make, but as a strategy or way to figure out unfamiliar words it doesn’t always work. I suggest you read on and see how many more strategies you can try use to help your child attack those tricky words. Here are some more useful word attack strategies: Picture clues – ‘look at the picture; it will help you figure out this tricky word.’ Beginning Sounds – look at the first letter together, ‘do you know that letter, do you know a word that starts with that letter, what sound does it make’? Chunking – ‘can you find a small word in this big word?’ Let’s read that small word.  Cover the first part of the word, read, cover the last part of the word and read.  Now put the words together and read’ Context – Use the meaning of the sentence to try figure out the unfamiliar word, e.g. “Peter is reading the ……. Answer: book”.  Let your child predict or ‘guess’ the word ‘book’ based on the context of the sentence. Helpful Hint: build vocabulary to maximize this strategy. Stretching the word – ‘use your finger as you try read the word.  Look at it slowly’ Rhyming – ‘this word is tricky but it does rhyme with another word on this page.  Can you read this word (parent points to other rhyming word), well done, now swop the first letter and read the other word.  They rhyme, well done, can you hear the rhyme.’ Go over the rhyming set together to practice. Use the squiggles around the words as clues (Literacy conventions = question mark and capital letters) e.g. if there is a question mark at the end of the sentence, the unfamiliar word could be ‘what’ ‘where’ ‘how’ ‘when’ or ‘why’;  if there is a capital letter in the middle of the sentence the unfamiliar word could be a  name of a person/place ) Miss it out and come back – ‘this word is tricky, leave it out for now and keep on reading.  Come back to this tricky word once you have finished reading the sentence.’ Ask someone – do not let your child struggle too much, encourage him to ask for HELP if he can’t figure it out. Helpful Hint: It takes practice to use these strategies, so give help as it is required, however, instead of just giving the answer straight away model a strategy your child can use and read it together using this strategy. As children gain confidence they will use a strategy on their own next time. Keep a balance of you helping your child and your child helping himself! It needs to sense – ‘Did that sentence make sense?’  Repeat the sentence to your child using his mistake let him tell you which word doesn’t sound right. ‘As you read this time listen to your words and make sure they make sense’.  Helpful Hint: this is a fairly advanced strategy, comes with lots of practice.  Keep modeling it as the fluent reader. Try these out; you will be surprised as to how well they work.  I call it giving your kid a READING TOOLBOX.  Best thing you can do for your beginner reader. Actually it’s the second best thing, the BEST THING you can do for your beginner reader is read to/with or him every day.  

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