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Advice from the experts

Leading By Example

There’s this old saying which goes “You can’t pour from an empty cup”. This resonates with me as I realise that in being a mom, a wife, a friend, a family member, a small business owner, and an employee I forgot to be me. I have been giving and sharing and assisting so much that I am running on empty and did not even realise it. “Eleanor” has been getting the short end of the stick so long it became the norm and I was not living up to my own potential, just doing what has to be done and that is not how I want to live. When I resigned from my full time job earlier this year to pursue a life where I’m part time corporate and part time business owner (while being full time mom) I had a whole other picture in my mind. I envisioned more free time and less stress. I was going to be on top of my game and do it all myself. I thought what I was doing it to improve my quality of life, but instead the fear of failing in my new venture ended up with me running myself ragged. I lost sight of the point of the life change which was to be more present in my own life and that sucked. But no more! If I am going to be a good mom I first need to be a healthy fulfilled person. The first step was to work on the three most important points; 1. My health and fitness 2. My mental health (anxiety) 3. My need for me time I recently joined an online fitness community/support group, when asked why I wanted to get into shape the answer was simple…I did not want to be ashamed of my body anymore I wanted to run on the beach and play with my son without fear. For this reason I vow to eat better and fit in physical fitness wherever I can. I also paid a visit to my psychologist who I have not seen in three years to talk about my anxiety and I have vowed to give myself “me time every day”. When it comes to parenting , I want to be a better me so I can raise a better him. My whole new philosophy is now teaching by example and improving myself as a way of showing him that changing for the better is always possible. I can’t expect him to eat healthy but stock the fridge with junk. I can’t expect him to be fit and outdoorsy but spend all my time in front of my computer or TV. I can’t expect him to respect me if I am unhappy with myself and do not respect myself. I can’t expect him to treat others with kindness if I do not live compassion every day. I realise it will not be easy, I realise that sometimes I will lose my way, but when I see him interact with people and in his little hand gestures and speech inclinations I hear me, I see me, I realise that I need to build a better me in order to ensure a better him.

November 19, 2015

Stopping Night Feeds In A Young Toddler

It is important to note that everyone wakes up spontaneously many times during the night. So, even if your toddler is ‘sleeping through’ the fact is that he is probably waking up at least 4 – 5 times a night. Most of the time he will simply stir, turn over or call out, but will be able to go back to sleep. Should he wake fully, he will be able to go back to sleep independently by using comforting and familiar methods that he knows such as finger sucking, holding onto or snuggling down with a security object. Poor sleepers, however, wake in the same way, but are unable to self soothe to go back to sleep without some sort of external intervention from a care giver such as being stroked or tickled, given a drink or having a parent sleep alongside them. These children therefore have difficulty staying asleep and wake up frequently in the night. As long as your child is not ill, it is important to know that toddlers do not need any nutritional support during the night in the form of milk feeds. A bedtime milk feed is always a good idea as it is a lovely end to the day where you can spend some quality “cuddle” time with your little toddler. Try to ensure that the feed is completed before your child falls asleep. Getting rid of night time feeds Remove the expectation of this middle of the night “event”, and he will no longer wake up for it. So, if he is used to breastfeeding or getting a bottle of milk or juice in the middle of the night, stop offering it, and he will soon stop waking for it. As long as weaning off the breast is done with a lot of emotional support from all the child’s parents, nanny etc, it should not interfere too much with his sleep patterns. However, if he has a sleep association with the breast, he will need plenty of reassurance when he wakes in the night expecting a feed !! Stay with him, hold him and rock him until he is asleep (no matter how much he protests!) Do this each time he wakes. Offer him sips of water in case he is thirsty. When he is happy to comforted without a feed, but still needs you to be there, begin sleep training. Be firm and loving, and most of all consistent. Yes, it is as simple as that! It is important to implement sleep training with each waking session no matter how much he protests. If you are trying to break a feeding-to-sleep habit, pick him up if he does not settle, and gently rock him until he falls asleep, no matter how much he protests. Only place him back into his cot when he is asleep. Repeat this each time he wakes. It may take a few sessions (maybe a day or two) for him to learn that he doesn’t need to feed in order to fall asleep. With a bit of luck he will simply stop waking, but he may need some persuasion to go back to sleep totally unassisted, so you will need to move to the next step when you are ready. Getting rid of rocking to sleep habit Sometimes it will be easier for you to settle your little one, then leave the room for short periods of time to enable you to catch your breath and regroup your emotions, so when he wakes you up in the middle of the night expecting to be rocked back to sleep, Pick him up and hold him close until he stops crying. As soon as he is calm and drowsy, but not asleep, place him gently back into his cot. Say some soothing words and walk away from the cot, even if he begins to protest. Stay away from him for one minute, then return to his side if he is still protesting. Pick him up and settle him (no matter how long it takes). Reinforce the sleep object. When he is calm and drowsy, but not asleep, place him gently back into his cot. This time, wait for two minutes before going back to him if he is still crying, then repeat your calming strategies. If necessary, repeat the procedure, each time adding two minutes of crying time before going back in to soothe or settle him. Keep going each time he wakes in the night, starting from one minute of separation at the start of each session. The hardest part, of course, is to follow through with the behaviour management each time he wakes in the night expecting to be fed or rocked back to sleep. Persevere, it will be worth it! BY ANN RICHARDSON

November 18, 2015

When Do You Know Your Child Is Ready For Chapter Books?

We often think that pushing our kids to read chapter books and away from picture books is a sign that they are more advanced readers. Being the first to learn to read in the class may look impressive but you run the risk that that same pressure will in fact diminish a child’s independent love of reading and hold her back from achieving later on. Do not think that just because chapter books have more text, full paragraphs and fewer pictures, they are therefore more complex than picture books. Children learn certain critical comprehension skills from picture books that cannot be taught through chapter books, such as: interpreting pictures based on the information given in the text; understanding that there is more to a story than what the words convey; and visualizing a story in their own mind. Furthermore a well-chosen picture book is rich in language and vocabulary which promotes better reading comprehension. As your young child starts becoming a reader do not be tempted to throw away all the picture books on the shelf. In the transition phase the parent should alternate reading chapter books and picture books to their child. In our house my 7 year old daughter practises her aloud reading as she reads her reader from school and any other picture book she wants. At the same time I read to her at night. At the moment I am busy reading “James and the Giant Peach” by Roald Dahl to her. However, some nights she wants me to read one of her favourite picture books and I do that without question. I know she is still developing vital reading skills from the picture book. Parent tip: Simply spend time enjoying (all kinds of) books with your children

November 17, 2015

Latching A Premature Baby

Congratulations, your baby has arrived! But she’s a little earlier than expected. You will most likely find yourself in very unfamiliar territory. Your baby is hooked up to machines and you have been discharged from hospital without her. Things are not going as you thought they would and quite frankly it can all be very scary. One of the first questions you may be asking is… when and how can I breastfeed my baby? Firstly, breastmilk is absolutely the best food for your baby. The sooner she can get it, the better. If your baby has been taken to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), it is important that you begin expressing within 3 hours following birth. The hospital should have an excellent grade of breast pump sterile and ready for you to use. They will also be able to guide you regarding storage of breastmilk for your baby. The sucking and swallowing reflexes do not fully mature until about 36 weeks gestation. Your baby will need to be able to coordinate these reflexes simultaneously in order to drink milk. For this reason, your baby may be fed your expressed colostrum and later breastmilk through a nasogastric tube (a tube that is fed through the nose and directly into your baby’s stomach) until she is ready and able to latch. At this stage, it is a good idea to offer your baby a dummy during feeds. By doing this, your baby will learn to associate suckling with the feeling of fullness. If you are able, you can also hold your baby at your breast during tube feedings. Work closely with hospital staff as well as a qualified lactation consultant during this time as they will be able to determine when your baby is ready to nurse. In the mean time, continue to express every 3 hours during the day and every 4 to 5 hours at night in order generate a good milk supply. You may also want to ask your healthcare professional to help you spend some time with your baby in Kangaroo Care – this has been proven to not only speed up growth and development in premature babies but also to help establish and maintain successful breastfeeding. Time To Latch The time has come and you have finally been given the go ahead to latch and feed your baby. Bear in mind that this will generally be a slow and easy process. One feed at a time and often this feed will be interspersed with much resting in-between. This is a season when you and your baby are getting to know one another and feeding can initially take lots of practice until you both get it right. Feeds will start with just one a day at your baby’s happiest time of day and gradually be built up over a few days until your baby is strong enough to come off of the nasogastric tube and breastfeed completely. Ideally one should sit comfortably in a quiet and private area, close to any equipment that is needed. Use pillows to support your back and another to support your baby. Be sure to avoid any unnecessary stimulation such as bright lights, loud noises, stroking, rocking or even talking to your baby – this can all be very overwhelming for your baby. remember that learning this new skill of feeding at the breast requires a great deal of energy and attention from your baby. Some mothers find it best to express a little before attempting to feed as this will encourage the let down reflex without baby having to work too hard. The cradle hold is favoured by most perm babies as well as their mothers. Hold your baby at the same level as your breast, supporting her entire body with your forearm. Use your free hand for additional support on her neck and shoulders. Once baby has latched you can remove this additional support and relax. Make sure that tiny hands and arms are out of the way as this can cause unnecessary frustration for both you and your baby. Gently guide your baby’s mouth towards your nipple stroking her top lip to encourage latching. Unless part of your breast is actually touching your baby’s face, she will not know that the breast is there. Because of the immature neurological system of preterm infant, your baby may not open her mouth automatically to latch right away. Gently moving your baby’s face away from the breast and then bringing her back might help. Alternatively, you can try pulling down on her chin with one finger and waiting for her tongue to drop down to the base of her mouth before gently guiding her to latch. If this method still does not work or if it is needed for more than a couple of attempts, it would be wise to make use of a nipple shield until your baby is able to respond appropriately. Try to refrain from holding your breast with your free hand while feeding as this can limit baby’s ability to latch resulting in poor milk transfer and possibly, sore nipples. Avoid touching your baby’s face while feeding. Her routing reflex will develop at around 33 weeks gestation and touching the cheeks, lips or chin may cause your baby to turn towards your touch rather than towards your breast. If your little one’s nose is pressed up against your breast, do not push your breast in to make space as this may cause her to come off the breast. Rather, gently adjust your elbow and tuck her bottom in closer to you – this should angle her nose up giving her space to breathe. Should your baby experience gulping or choking, adjust her position to make sure that her head is now lying higher than her tummy. If this does not help, you may want to express a little before attempting to feed as this will allow your baby to nurse with a less intense milk flow until

November 12, 2015

Avoid the January financial slump – get into gear for the school run!

By 1Life In between convincing your child to do their homework and fetching them on time for their extra mural activity, the cost of schooling and education may not be at the top of every parent’s mind – however, the cost of schooling can often be trying on the monthly budgets as you battle everything from text books to school clothes for children that seem to grow faster every year. Did you know that according to Stats SA the cost of education in South Africa rose by 9.3%* in March 2015 compared to March last year. Added to that, the rand/dollar exchange rate contributed to a rising costs in school textbooks and materials, resulting in South African families having to make more room in their already-tight budgets to afford the rising education costs. In light of these rising costs, 1Life provides helpful tips and advice to parents in preparation for the financial commitments ahead for 2016 and encourages parents not to wait for January, but to rather start now and avoid the post festive season rush. Use these simple, yet effective, tips to make the 2016 school run, your best yet: Start looking around for what your child needs Use the last few months of the year to start looking around for school supplies that your child may need going into the new school year. Compare prices, opt for the more affordable options and include these into your monthly budget planning – even buy some of it now, to avoid having to fork out too much later, and all at once. Start with stationery supplies such as pens, pencils, erasers, rulers, a pencil case or three – if you buy these now, you’ll save money before the beginning of the year rush and price increases. Only buy brand new, if you need to While you may want your child to have brand new school supplies going into their new grade, do they really need a brand new school jersey or can they use the one from the previous year? Always ask yourself these questions before purchasing school items: does it need to be brand new or can one from the school second hand shop do just fine? You can also speak to parents of children in higher grades than yours to see if they are prepared to hand their old clothes down, particularly for expensive items such as jerseys, blazers, dri-macs etc. This will free up some extra cash within your budget for other necessities. If your child has expressed an interest in a certain sport, avoid buying all the top line equipment, rather go second hand or less expensive initially so that if he or she loses interest, you won’t be too badly out of pocket. Try not to overspend during the festive season Although it may be easy to get carried away during the festive season, getting lured into your favourite shops to buy at your heart’s desire and spoil your loved ones – remember that your child’s education should remain a priority. Spend within your means and always make provision for extra things that pop up during the school year – school trips, cake and candy sales, Valentine’s Day celebrations, civvies days etc. It is also a good idea to put any additional money such as bonuses, or even part of your December salary away before the festive season gets into full swing – to make sure you have the money you need when the school run starts. Become money savvy this year, to help you for next year Why not register for a money management and education course which will provide practical guidance on how to best manage your money. In fact, this can be done easily and for free through 1Life’s Truth About Money initiative. Here, you can learn about sound money management through a free 8-hour online financial education course. You are also able to take advantage of debt management should you currently feel overwhelmed by your existing debt as well as plan for your family’s future with will and estate planning. In fact, 1Life are giving away 10 Truth About Money online courses (each course valued at R1 500) to 10 lucky readers who would like to get their finances on track, not just for the January school run but for the rest of their lives. To stand a chance of winning this life-changing financial literacy course simply answer the below question: Which long term insurance company started the Truth About Money initiative? We encourage parents to develop good money management habits and pass these onto your children from a young age to help them develop a good perception of managing money, as early as possible for a stable and promising financial future. Planning for the new school year ahead can be both expensive and stressful for parents – but it doesn’t have to be. Start putting effective financial measures in place as early as possible, both for the school run and the rest of the year, giving yourself the peace of mind that your child’s school needs are covered! *http://www.bdlive.co.za/national/education/2015/04/28/cost-of-education-rises-double-that-of-inflation

November 12, 2015

To Chiro Or Not To Chiro

By Dr. Nicole Louw MTech Chiropractic (UJ) MCASA Is chiropractic safe for my children? Why should my child get checked, she feels fine? You have your children’s teeth checked, and most schools do an eye and hearing exam yearly, so why don’t you have regular health check ups? Children’s bodies are physically weaker than adults, so they have a better chance of experiencing spinal subluxations (a vertebrae out of place that is pinching a nerve and causing problems) while doing every day activities. Why wait till your child is sick to bring them into the chiropractor? Subluxations can exist for a long time without causing any pain, but deficiencies in other areas, while they may not be noticeable, may be present the entire time. Let’s start from the beginning. The very beginning, before your child is even born. You should be receiving spinal checkups as often as weight check ups. Subluxations cause uneven blood flow to parts of your body, including the uterus. If your baby isn’t getting enough blood, they may not be getting enough oxygen, which is more important during the development process than you think. Lack of oxygen to the uterus can cause several complications early in infancy, which could lead to such tragic events as SIDS. Next we’ll look at when the baby is born. A newborn’s spine can be twisted and turned from birth. As hard as labor is on the mother, think of how hard it is on the baby! Abraham Towbin, MD states: “The birth process…is potentially a traumatic, crippling event… mechanical stress imposed on obstetrical manipulation—even the application of standard orthodox procedures may prove intolerable to the foetus…most signs of neonatal injury observed in the delivery room are neurological…” Now, we’ll look at the infants first week. Research is ongoing, and with each study done, more and more credit is being given to chiropractic health care in the importance of the health of children. In a study done on 1,250 infants who were examined five days after birth, 211 of them were experiencing vomiting, hyperactivity, and sleeplessness, and subluxations were found in 95% of them. The researchers in this study were all Medical Doctors (MD’s) and they all recognised the power of chiropractic. The babies were given the spinal care they needed, and it worked. The researchers (remember, these are MD’s we’re talking about) noted that the spinal adjustment resulted in “immediate quieting, cessation of crying, and muscular relaxation and sleepiness.” Chiropractic and Colic Colic. One of the worst words a parent of a newborn can hear. Your baby cries for hours on end and there is nothing you can do about it. What’s worse than the disturbing, high pitched screaming that doesn’t stop and has no apparent cause, is the fact that there is nothing you can do to help your child when it sounds like they need help the most. It’s heartbreaking to hear your baby screaming like it’s in pain, and being able to do nothing about it. Well, almost nothing. This is where chiropractic comes in. If your baby experienced a longer pushing stage, or any type of assisted delivery (i.e. – forceps, vacuum, etc.) there is a good chance that they have subluxations. Babies with significant enough subluxations, or subluxations in certain areas, may have big problems, and they can’t tell you about them. Because of these subluxations, major systems in the body may not function correctly, such as the digestive system, and your baby may not be able to digest breast milk like he or she should, possibly causing gas and bloating. The flexed legs, clenched fists, and tensed abdominal muscles point to a pain in the abdominal region, but that hasn’t been proven. What has been proven, however, is that chiropractic adjustments can work. Medical doctors (those you would find at a hospital) may prescribe dimethicone drops, or gas drops, that are the standard, and vastly ineffective treatment. Others may say it’s a sensitivity to breast milk and may advise providing a lactose-free milk, which has also proven to be ineffective. Studies done at the University of Southern Denmark have reported that colicky babies who received chiropractic care cried far less than those receiving the standard gas drops prescribed by medical doctors. This study was done on behalf of the National Health Service, and found chiropractic to have no negative side effects on infants, which is “standard” for chiropractic! Another study was done in South Africa, by Mercer and Cook. In this study, 30 infants who were medically diagnosed as having colic, were randomly divided into two groups. One group received chiropractic care while the other did not. Each infant in the study was 0-8 weeks old and diagnosed with colic by a paediatrician. For this study, the group who received chiropractic care received it for two weeks with a six adjustment maximum. The results were impressive. In the group who received chiropractic care, 93% had completely resolved symptoms in just the two week period. A little shorter than the “wait 3 months for it to run its course” plan that most medical doctors will tell you. Something even more impressive was the one month follow up assessment. The infants who received chiropractic care had seen no symptoms one month after receiving chiropractic care. For those of you who don’t feel comfortable relying on studies done in different countries (although much medical research comes from other countries), here is one from the Journal of Manipulative and Physiological Therapeutics. It is a randomised clinical trial published in 1999, and in this study, researchers assigned infants diagnosed with colic into two groups, one to receive chiropractic care for two weeks and the other to receive the popular (and basically ineffective) anti-gas medication dimethicone for two weeks. The babies receiving chiropractic treatment showed a decrease of 68% in crying, while the other group only showed a decrease of 38%. Chiropractic care is a conservative, gentle, and very successful option for treating infants with colic. Chiropractic adjustments for infants are specific, gentle, and safe. In the hands of an experienced chiropractor, many infants sleep right through the adjustment. An infant adjustment utilises no more pressure than someone applying make up to their face. Next time you are told “there is nothing you can do except wait it out,” just smile, nod, and bring your child right to the chiropractor, because a healthy baby makes a happy home.

November 10, 2015

It’s Okay To Ask For Help!

As kids we were always dependant on our parents for one thing or another. As we get older we yearn for the day when we will be totally independent, able to do our own thing, make our own decisions. Then one day that magical moment arrives, we are finally free! The sad thing about gaining independence is that somewhere along the way we seem to learn that asking for help is no longer okay. We learn instead that somehow asking for help is equated with being weak or incompetent. How many times have you not heard a teacher say “There is no such thing as a stupid question?” someone asks a question and the class bursts out laughing at the “stupid question”. We rather pretend that everything is okay, we struggle along, and making decisions that keep us stuck in situations or set us completely on the wrong track. We do this to ourselves all because we are too afraid or embarrassed to put our hand up and say “I’ve made a mistake I need help” or “I don’t know what to do, can you help me?” Effectively we end up living in fear. Fear of failure or “looking stupid” is probably what limits most of us from stepping out and trying something new. We look up to those around us who seem to have it all together. Remember that they also started somewhere. Nobody is born knowing everything. It’s probably what makes mentoring so powerful. Mentors are people who have gained knowledge, experience and skills in a certain field and are willing to share this with those willing to learn. There are more people out there than we realise. All that they are waiting for is someone to ask them for help. Yes, of course there will be that handful that “won’t have the time”, ignore them. So here is a challenge for you. Start by acknowledging that you cannot honestly and effectively solve all of your challenges on your own. Whether they are personal or work related it does not really matter. What matters is how feeling stuck and unable to solve this riddle called life impacts on you. If you are feeling overwhelmed it is a sign you could do with some help. The next step then is to find someone you can trust, not someone who has a vested interest in the outcome of the challenge, someone who can be completely objective and help you regain perspective. This person could be another mom who has three kids in contrast to your one, or it could be someone who also started a one-man service business and are now successful. Sometimes using the services of a professional Life Coach or Mentor could be the right option for you. Find someone appropriate who can effectively help you deal with your specific challenge. Now the next step is the biggest step. Ask that person if they would be able to assist you. If they say yes, make the appointment and meet with them. Coffee dates can be very effective. Be mindful of the person’s time, so come to the meeting prepared. And yes, you pay for the coffee! If for some reason they do say no, please do not take it as a reflection of you. They too have their own stuff to deal with. Re-assess and find someone else. Once you’ve taken the step to ask for help once, it does become easier. Asking for help is in my opinion a sign of maturity, it shows that you are aware that you have limitations and that is okay, even healthy. Most of the challenges that life will through your way you will always be able to handle. For that odd occasion when it feels as if the wheels have come off, remember that there is someone who can help you, it really is okay to ask for help.

November 6, 2015

Quick Tips For Storing Breast Milk

Express breast milk, using a manual or electric breast pump. Wash your hands well with soap and water before handling the pre-sterilised bag. Mark each bag with the date and time when you expressed the milk. Tear open the bag horizontally along the perforated edge at the top, in the direction of the arrowhead. Hold the opened bag with one hand and use the other hand to pour the freshly expressed breast milk into the bag slowly, not filling the bag beyond 150ml. Before sealing the bag, squeeze out the air and use your fingers to zip close the bag. For best results, keep the bag upright, in a separate hard sided container until the milk has frozen. Store breast milk bag in the back of the fridge for 24 hours or back of freezer for 3 months. How do I thaw frozen breast milk? Always thaw/defrost the oldest breast milk first. Check the date and time written on each bag. Thaw the frozen milk overnight in the fridge, or, for immediate use, immerse the bag in warm (not hot) water until the milk is fully defrosted. Pour the milk into a sterilised feeding bottle, feeding cup or spoon. Never thaw frozen milk at room temperature, as this will enable bacteria to multiply in the milk. Never thaw breast milk in a microwave oven or boiling water. This will reduce the milk’s nutrients. Only warm the milk after it has been thawed/defrosted. Thawed milk can be stored in a fridge for up to 24 hours. Discard any remaining milk. Don’t refreeze thawed or partially thawed breast milk. Pre-sterilised, sealable storage bags In the first few days after delivery, breasts can become engorged with excess milk and mothers may find it convenient to express and store their breast milk for later use. But some of the storage products on the market are very expensive and it is not a viable option for everyone.

November 5, 2015

Overcoming The Fear Of The Dentist Starts At Childhood

Parents should take children for regular dental check-ups, focus on prevention of tooth decay and instil good oral hygiene habits from an early age to avoid fear of dental visits in later life, according to a top SA dentist. Dr Marc Sher says the main cause of dental anxiety in adults stems from a traumatic childhood experience in the dental chair. “If regular check-ups are done at a young age and if good oral hygiene habits and prevention is the focus, this will create a favourable dental experience, leading to less fear and anxiety as an adult.” Sher recommends taking children for their first dental visit around three-years-old, once all the primary teeth have erupted. “This will acclimatize them to the dental environment. Following this, I recommend a visit once a year until about six years old. When adult (secondary) teeth start erupting, visits should increase to six-monthly with oral hygiene built in.” Sher says a standard adult regime involves at least two oral hygiene visits per year, combined with one full dental assessment with x-rays. “Certain conditions may, however, warrant more frequent cleanings and check-ups to avoid the onset of aggressive dental conditions”. Sher says adults may avoid gum disease (gingivitis) — swollen, and bleeding gums – with regular dental cleanings and check-ups. “If this condition is left untreated, a more sinister disease (periodontitis) of the underlying bone can occur. Another common conditions is dental caries (decay) which, if left untreated, can lead to root canal treatment or removal of a tooth.” Sher recommends the following additional tips for optimal oral hygiene: Use a soft bristled electric toothbrush, firm enough to remove plaque but not to hurt gums. Choose toothpaste with fluoride as it helps prevent cavities and repair tooth enamel. Brush your teeth moderately for at least two minutes twice a day. Flossing helps remove plaque in places your brush can’t reach. Follow a healthy diet, drink lots of filtered water and supplement with a good multi-nutrient like Marcus Rohrer Spirulina (www.marcusrohrerspirulina.com). Avoid a stressful lifestyle which may contribute to mouth ulcers. Use Bye Mouth Ulcer for a pain free solution to ulcers (www.byemouthulcer.com).

November 4, 2015

What NOT to Buy Or Add To Your Baby Registry

I have shopped for two failed adoptions and my baby so you could say I have had some experience with shopping for a baby. Excitement can quickly lead to buyer’s remorse and your house full of crap. Mothers are a marketing executive dreams. They know just how to make you feel like your child will miss out without their product. I am also pretty sure no new mum will listen to any of this… A HUGE pram Prams are like cars. We want the coolest looking one that looks like a little baby hotel for our precious. Now baby is here and you realise that lovely pram with all the extras weighs as much as a smart car and you need to be a Sumo wrestler to put the pram in your boot. That’s if it even fits. What to get instead: There are some great lightweight pushchairs that are suitable from birth reclines to almost flat. If you really must just get the all frills baby hotel buy it second hand . Baby bath They will outgrow this so fast that it’s not worth the bother and just another thing you need to list on Gumtree or fill up the space where your car is supposed to be. What to get instead: Purchase an inexpensive bath support or get into the bath with the baby providing additional bonding time with your newborn. Nappy bin This special bin that deals with stinky nappies is a coveted item for most expectant mothers. I was no exception. I was ready to sign a community property contact with my bad boy. I am convinced this is a clever marketing tool to suck you into buying ridiculously expensive cartridge refills. Just like drug dealers Marketers Know the real money is in the come-back. What to get instead: Scented nappy packets and a simple lidded nappy bucket will do the trick. If you must have one, You can have mine. Changing table You will end up changing your baby on the bed and everywhere else with a changing mat within the first three months. Been there done that got the t-shirt! Baby shoes Kennedy had 15 pairs of adorable shoes. Some were designer shoes and she couldn’t even walk yet. Do you think Kennedy gave a monkeys that they cost more than any shoes I have ever owned… nope. She fussed so much every time I put them on. What to get instead: Socks are enough. She is 14 months and only recently stopped kicking off her shoes. Lots of newborn sized clothes At this point I am starting to sound like a buzz kill. This is all the fun about being pregnant. The ooh-ing and aah-ing at those teeny little money wasters. Marketing execs know how much we want a mini-me. Why do you think a newborn can now wear skinny jeans and leather jackets? What to get instead: Wait for the gifts and then wait till your baby can walk before making them tiny trendsetters. Baby growers is all they need until then. Bottle warmer Ugh. Just run the bottles under hot water already! What to get instead: nothing. A cot bumper Something about having a baby makes us mothers have a penchant for matching items… that is the lure. A tiny duvet with the tiny pillow just doesn’t seem enough of a set. I still can’t understand why these are actually still being sold. The second you hear about SIDS (and for every paranoid second thereafter), it’s game over for these little death traps. I have yet to find a parenting or medical site that has anything good to say about bumpers. Just another thing for you to wash. What to get instead: nothing. Tons of toys for a tiny baby Newborns don’t need them and will spend most of their time sleeping, feeding and gazing at you! If you really do need stuffed animals you can come to my house and collect these dust collectors. What to get instead: After three months I would get a few noisemakers and then add once they crawling and can actually interact with your surroundings. Newborn-sized feeding bottles Baby feeding bottles in a smaller size designed for newborns become useless in very little time. What to get instead: Normal size bottles 260ml and buy a few slow release teats if you need to. Scaled-down Baby Wardrobe Let’s just be honest here…they will not be willing to or able to hang their own clothing until they can reach a normal sized one anyway. What to get instead: Normal-sized bedroom furniture and add a small step stool for higher shelves once they are older. Baby Cartoon curtains and wallpaper Just don’t it! I promise your baby will not complain that their nursery was not cute enough. If you can’t imagine the design on the wall of a six-year-olds bedroom, It’s a waste! What to get instead: An age-neutral design for anything expensive is a good idea and add ‘baby appeal’ with removable pictures and accessories.

November 3, 2015

Fathers And Sons

I think it can be extremely difficult to maintain the father son relationship, throughout the teen years and early twenties. Boys have been instilled with the attitude of dominance and winning. As much as we like to think otherwise, one only needs to check how many men watch sports of one kind or another. Men are in the majority of jobs with authority. They rule because they have the power, might and desire to rule. On the other hand, women are still the nurturers of kids and family. My thoughts on the subject have more to do with why men have a greater need to challenge, win and come out on top. It is almost like it is in alignment with their manhood. To override this setting, one has to delve deeply into the myriad of reasons, and come to an understanding of where it comes from. Making distinctions between games and real life, perhaps will help us to figure out ways to best address the problems. Most times people are guessing rather than comprehending the actual situation. Boys adore their fathers, even the fathers that are scarce. They identify with the male figure and with strength and power. Fathers don’t cry as often as mothers, if at all. They tend to keep their emotions hidden. This does not go unnoticed by their sons. What no one talks about, is what the boys learn from this. Without words, boys understand that strong means keeping feelings silent. That requires them to do less talking, regarding stressful problems that touch their souls. It can also imply that men will be less open, to sharing sensitive problems. They may shut down their feelings even from their wives. Now we transport to the teen years. Boys begin manifesting their own thoughts and ideas. They are beginning to sense an empowerment, and they experience a keen awareness of the admiration of girls. All of this gives boys an outward confidence, that they do not necessarily feel inside. It works because others begin to look up to them. Even those boys who do not flaunt themselves through sports or academics, have the pangs of manhood in their own ways. Boys want to be perceived as mature and capable, with jurisdiction and rule. The endowment of leadership is intrinsic, be it a good thing or bad. The conclusion is for the parents to guide their offspring, and offer accountability for any infractions to the rules. This is where the fathers play a crucial role. Dad does not have to be the enforcer, but he does need to be modelling good behaviour, and having expectations of respectable actions. If one teaches power makes things right, then fairness will be tossed in the bucket. The manners we cultivate within the family structure, are the ones we will observe in society. In a positive way, dad is the big guy, who the boys look up to. But dad is also the person that must avoid under any circumstances, challenging their son with an ultimatum. If they do set a boundary which the son crosses, then the son will likely accept the ultimatum possibly leading to worse problems. The son’s pride is in jeopardy when dad presents a challenge. The son must flex his own muscles, especially after having been instructed to behave in such a manner. As scared as the son might be, he can’t let himself down. His own worth and leadership ability is at stake. He wants to be able to look himself in the mirror the next day, without seeing a weak and frightened person. The only thing at stake for dad is his pride and anger, which he likely will overcome. The son at this time in his young life, is fragile. Dads have to see this and comprehend what their sons are experiencing. Their emotions are so jumbled and confusing. Boys have faith in the idea that they can’t let dad down, by displaying weakness, and they definitely can’t disappoint themselves. To them it is like being called to prove their worth by standing up for themselves. It is especially crucial when it is dad who is involved in the situation. It seals the deal for the son. He must make a sincere effort to accept the gauntlet, even though he knows in his heart he is overpowered by the circumstances. It is totally up to the father to diffuse the situation in a way that saves face for their son. I have seen sons stand by their argument, even when dad gives in and retreats with his words. The son may have the need to finish their position in anger, because at this point they are upset, and confused about how they will ever get out of the mess, with their honour intact. If fathers walk away, the son may also retreat, possibly after mouthing a few choice points of discussion. It amounts to their attempt at feigning toughness and victory. They are cognisant of the close encounter, but also flattered with themselves. One day when they are adults, and become a parent, they might be more appreciative of the day their dad, although more powerful, was strong enough to turn away. For those teens who eventually cower to an authoritative and formidable dad, they are devastated and demeaned from the encounter. They also blame their fathers for everything, especially for their dishonour. A lot of trust is lost. Fathers should refrain from drawing lines with their sons, if those directives are going to be difficult for either party to follow through with. It is too big of a risk to the teen and the relationship. By not drawing lines does not mean accepting insubordination, or ignoring the correction of poor behaviour. It means to instruct with reflection and love. Remember who it is that stands in front of you. Dealing with a teenager is just as difficult as when you put up with the screaming toddler. Be cognisant of the fact that you can’t change the words and actions said and

October 30, 2015

Mothers and Daughters

Mothers and daughters begin with the closest friendship. There are many times the dad might feel pushed aside. Within a few years, as the girls approach their teen years the trouble begins. I think at first moms attempt to deal with it as they encounter the hurts from their daughters. If or when it continues for a longer time the father usually steps in and the problems expand. All of this takes a toll on the mother especially. Solving the dilemma will take patience, love, a listening ear, open mind and loving heart along with a firm attitude. Moms should try not to get involved totally in the drama to the point of screaming or yelling. Parents are always the directors not the actors. Even when hurtful things are said or done by their daughter, it still necessitates that mom hang in there and continue with her guidance understanding and love. Never resort to shame or insults. Teens require more love at this point in their lives, perhaps than they ever needed before. They are being judged constantly by others so they don’t enjoy more assessments from the home. Life is full of alterations. This is one of the great transformations and requires lots of attention and discussion. Daughters are not little girls anymore and they require discipline with love and patience but also with greater understanding of where they are coming from at this present moment. Parents must see through the upheavals, and the cries for help from their child, as they sift through the upheavals. Understand the playing field has changed. Although I am a firm believer in having respect for kids of any age, I especially think it is important during the teenage years. The confusion and muddled sensitivities of their daughters are persistently evolving. The extent and depth of their pain is real. As insignificant as their problems may appear to us, they are critical to our daughters. Demeaning their attitudes about the importance of their dilemmas has the power to cause rifts of insurmountable complications. Being on constant watch as well as being available to listen is vital. Perhaps we consider the teen years as the time to remain uncompromising and to strong arm the kids. It is actually the reverse. One needs to be more receptive to the child’s cries wants and requirements and to bend without breaking. The mood swings attitudes and pains are difficult to encounter but remembering the changes taking place on the outside are not even close to the changes taking place on the inside of the child. Staying connected to the inside but physically remaining on the outside helps to control being overtaken by the dramas that present. Many teenage girls are mouthy. Most likely their sassy words are flowing before they have even thought about what they are saying. Moms may attempt to discipline through necessity due to the disrespect in their child’s words and actions. It reaches the point of no return regarding any compromising when they believe the daughter has overstepped too many times and things are falling apart. Most parents believe at this point they must hold the line. Not so. At this point it is time to review and rethink your rules and parameters. It is time also to use your instincts to understand what the surrounding issues are. See through the daughter’s façade and discover the actual issues. Reconnect with your daughter which may require you to have a thick skin with the potential onslaught of hurtful words. Daughters are angrier at themselves than their mothers. Attempt also to keep voices low. Speak calmly and slowly because believe it or not you can unwittingly change the volatile atmosphere with these tactics. Kids think parents don’t understand them and don’t have a clue about how they are feeling. Of course saying, “I understand” won’t cut it either. When they fire criticism at you it should be taken in and reflected upon before you retaliate with your own negative response. You must show that you get it by offering to listen. I am not suggesting you break any of your own rules but stating your rules to them bluntly is in their faces and it won’t work. They see themselves as approaching adulthood. They want independence. Offering them as much as you can without giving in to your restrictions is best. They yearn for power even though they are not ready for it, so giving choices to them is sort of a compromise. You get to choose the selections but they get to feel empowered with the choices. With your attentiveness, you might be able to offer choices which is always a good thing. A child of any age does not feel as controlled when they have some power and influence over their own lives. Blame is never an option but it is easy to express it when in the middle of a confrontation. If you react with calmness, understanding, respect and love you will probably receive a better outcome. You can’t retaliate even if the child does which is what usually happens. They have hormones rising which they can’t control and probably they are not even aware of the effects. You are the parent and the adult in this situation. The child can lose control but the parents must keep things under a certain tempo no matter how much you assess as wrong, deliberate or mean. You need to get through one battle at a time. Kids are confused and perhaps don’t even intend what they are saying. They are angry and need to take their fury out on someone which happens to be their mothers. As you learn how to make progress in these altercations by remaining composed, the next argument ought to be of a lesser nature. You will find yourself using your skills of speaking softly with love and openness and directing the drama so it stays as neutral as possible. In all of this the child wants to be

October 29, 2015

Keeping your kids safe on the Internet

Us South Africans are an incredibly security conscious bunch. We tend to focus a lot of attention around security in our homes and in our vehicles, especially when it comes to protecting our children. But what about the virtual realm? Are we doing enough to ensure their safety when it comes to things like the Internet, social networking, and mobile devices? The Internet is a veritable treasure trove of information on any conceivable topic. In the past, we had to go to a library to research a project or to find out more about a particular subject. Today, thanks to faster and more affordable Internet access, we are connected around the clock. Irrespective of whether we are using a tablet, smartphone, laptop, or a good old-fashioned desktop computer, access is taken for granted. As parents, we have a responsibility to balance the benefits the digital world brings with the risks that are out there. Children need to be protected against contact with undesirable people, inappropriate or harmful content, and malicious software or attacks. Social networking and online gaming have made it easy for our children (and ourselves) to interact with people from all over the world. Sadly, this has also made it incredibly easy for cyberbullies, paedophiles, and other nefarious people to get in touch with children. Growing up in a digital environment has resulted in teenagers and younger children having quite different notions of privacy than what we had. It was easy not to talk to strangers before the Internet. Now, you do not even know who a stranger is, as identify theft is common and malicious users can gleam much from even the basic information people share online. In fact, tricking children into sharing personal information is one of the easiest ways that they can be exploited. As mentioned, accessing content on a variety of topics has become as easy as typing a query into a search engine and viewing the results. From links to Web pages, images, and videos, there is nothing that cannot be found quickly and easily online. Sadly, this also means that it is not that difficult to find sexually explicit content or download music and video files illegally. Often, these searches start off with the best of intentions. Your child might be searching for photographs for a project or even video clips on how something is made. A few clicks later, and that benign search suddenly transforms into explicit images. Understandably, it is not always easy for parents to talk to children about online safety when they themselves are unsure of how the technology works and what it could be used for. Kaspersky Lab has created a list of easy to remember ‘rules’ for children that parents can discuss with them. These should be seen as almost as important as road safety rules that are there to keep them safe and out of harm. Do not give out your name, school, or home address to anyone over the Internet. Even if you think you have made a friend online – if anyone asks for these details – you never give them out. In fact, please tell your parents or an adult immediately, so they can check this out for you. If someone tries to ‘friend’ you on the Internet, be careful. Be sure, you know who you are talking to online, and if you do not know this person, do not give them any details and rather report this to someone you trust. Be careful about what photos you place online or what videos you upload. While it is such fun to share our photos and videos with friends and family – make sure that photos and videos do not give away any clues about your location or where you may live. If you have an older sibling or even your parents that use a smartphone – make a note to tell them not to use the function of ‘geo-tagging’ on social media sites like Facebook. This is a function which tells everybody on Facebook where you are – like at a restaurant or at the movies. But by doing this, it can be unsafe as it gives away your location. From a parenting perspective, here are a few steps you can take to reduce the chances of your children being exposed to any such risks: Talk to your children about the potential dangers that they may face online. If possible, make use of 1 family computer and place it in a central ‘family room’ in the house. Try to make the computer a shared family experience. Encourage your children to talk to you about anything they experience online that upsets them or makes them feel uncomfortable. Restrict the content that can be accessed via the computer using an effective Internet security solution. You can also provide clear guidelines that let your child know what they are allowed and are not allowed to do on the Internet. For example, your guidelines could tell your child whether they are permitted to: Register with social networking or other Web sites. Make online purchases. Download music, video, or programme files. Use instant messaging programmes. Visit Internet chat rooms. If your child is allowed to use instant messaging or visit chat rooms, it is worth explaining to them that it is dangerous to chat with or send messages to anyone that they do not know and trust. In addition to these steps, you can also install a rigorous Internet security solution (like that of Kaspersky Internet Security – multi-device 2016) that is capable of defending the computer against malicious programmes and hackers. Many security software products combine anti-virus capabilities and advanced parental control features that make it easier to protect your children when they are online. Despite the risks, you should not avoid going online. There are numerous benefits to the digital world. Just remain informed and educate your children on the dangers that are out there.

October 28, 2015

Making Sense Of Food Labels

By Gabi Steenkamp, Registered Dietitian, Food Labelling and Nutrition Consultant. www.gabisteenkamp.co.za. The information printed on all food labels in South Africa is regulated by the Department of Health regulations R146 (2010) for the labelling and advertising of foods, and there is no particular section that covers the labelling requirements for foods that are suitable for those with diabetes. Since the diabetic way of eating is all about basic good nutrition, all healthy foods are suitable for those with diabetes. However, they must be eaten in the correct serving size and combination to make up balanced meals. Such foods can be endorsed by Diabetes SA , but they have to comply with the specifications set out by the endorsement programme of Diabetes SA. Endorsed products and foods bear the logo below: For those foods that have not applied for the endorsement by Diabetes SA, the consumer must read the label to assess whether a food or product is suitable for those with diabetes or not, as most foods that are suitable for those with diabetes do not carry the Diabetes SA logo above. The most important information to look at on a food label is: The name of the product The total weight / volume The serving size The nutritional analysis information table The ingredients list The allergens declaration, if you suffer from a particular food allergy The name of the product The name given to a product is found on the main front panel of the packaging and should reflect what is inside the packaging. Should the name of the product not tell you what is inside the packaging, then an accurate description of the product is provided near the name. Giving a product a name such as ‘honey smacks’ is not very informative. The packaging could contain: Honey sweets Honey flavoured cereal An icecream product flavoured with honey or containing honey bits A chocolate with honey flavoured bits Honey flavoured drink, etc. But labelling this product as ‘Honey Smacks – honey flavoured popped wheat cereal’ tells you exactly what is in the packaging. You, as the consumer, have a right to know exactly what is inside any food packaging. Should this not be the case, you should contact the toll free customer services line, or email, of that product to make them aware of the fact; and contact a food labelling consultant who can then contact the company and have the error rectified. The label of the product below has a name that accurately tells what is in the packaging. TOTAL WEIGHT (MASS) or VOLUME The South African Bureau of Standards regulates the way in which the mass or volume of a product is stated on food packaging. All measures are metric and have a minimum lettering and number height. Knowing the total weight of what’s in the packaging, allows you to see immediately how many servings you will get out of one unit (be it a bag, jar, box, bottle, etc.). It also allows you to cross check if the serving size stated in the nutritional analysis table is do-able. In the above example, one fish cake must weigh 75 g (300 g divided by 4 = 75 g), which is a reasonably sized fishcake and is the size given in the nutritional analysis table for a single serving. THE SERVING SIZE The food labelling regulations stipulate that serving sizes stated in the nutritional analysis table, or anywhere on the label, may NOT encourage obesity and nutrition experts, such as a dietitian, determine the serving size to ensure that the serving sizes stated on pack are nutritionally correct and practical. For example, foods that make up the protein part of a main meal (such as fishcakes) should contain: Up to 1000 kJ per serving Less than 12 g fat per serving Less than 30% of total fat, as saturated fat per serving In the example of the fishcakes, you can see that in the second column of numbers in the nutritional information table, one fishcake weighing 75 g contains: 530 kJ 5.9 g of fat of which 1 g is saturated fat. The 1 g of saturated fat is less than 30% of the total fat (5.9%), so you can conclude that this is a healthy fishcake to have with your supper. You can also deduct from this that in fact you could have 2 of these fishcakes with your supper – provided of course you add the required 2-3 vegetable servings to make a balanced meal! But having all 4 fishcakes would encourage obesity and not be good for blood glucose control. On the other hand, foods eaten as a snack (such as icecream) should contain: about 500 kJ per serving and less than 6 g fat per serving Less than 30% of total fat, as saturated fat per serving In the example of the slimmer’s choice icecream given below, you can see that in the second column of numbers in the nutritional information table, one serving of 175 ml, contains: 492 kJ 2.3 g of fat of which 1.7 g is saturated fat. The 1.7 g of saturated fat is 74% of the total fat (2.3%), which means this snack contains too much saturated fat for good health and for those with diabetes since saturated fat increases the risk of heart disease, and particularly so for those with diabetes. For this reason, even though this is a controlled energy snack, it should only be eaten occasionally as a snack.

October 23, 2015

You Don’t Trust Me

The teenage girl came out of her room and walked into the family room where her parents were sitting. With a great deal of excitement and joy, she began to talk about a party a classmate was planning for the weekend and how much fun it was going to be. She talked about which of her friends were going and what they had all talked about wearing. This teenager’s parents gave her their full attention in listening to what she had to say and even acknowledged her excitement by agreeing that it sounds like a fun event. When the girl asked if she could go, they had a few questions for her; such as where it was going to be held, what time would start and end, and who would be there. When they got to the questions will there be adult chaperones and we’d like to meet the parents who will be there, the happy mood in the teenager dissolved and anger erupted. Their daughter immediately got defensive and shouted, you don’t trust me and you think that all teenagers do bad things! Forget it; I don’t want to go to the stupid party anymore. She burst out in tears and ran to her room. The loud slammed door indicated the talk of the party was over. It seems hard to believe a few simple questions could crush the excitement of going to a party. It is this writer’s opinion that the girl’s parents were doing the right thing; being open to allowing her to attend the party, providing that they were comfortable knowing she would be safe. Checking in with the parents of the party’s host is a good place to start to determine if the risks to their daughter’s safety and well-being are low enough for her to attend. Teenagers don’t often like it when a parent does their job in ensuring their child will be safe. They use the YOU DON’T TRUST ME statement as a way of getting the parent to back down. They may have heard other teenagers say that THEIR parents don’t check up on them, causing them to think that their own parents are being controlling and over protective. Teenagers feel embarrassed by their parents checking in and staying aware of what they are doing. But staying in the know of what our teenagers are doing is very important for keeping them safe. The prefrontal cortex of the brain provides judgment, decision making, and the moderation of social behaviour; all of which are necessary for keeping an individual safe. Unfortunately for our kids, this region of the brain is not usually fully developed until around the age of 25. This means a teenager may have great difficulty with the functions listed above. Which is clearly why parents must coach, guide, and monitor teenagers to help keep them safe when they can’t do it on their own. The next time your teen shouts, YOU DON’T TRUST ME, because you want to ensure there will be adult supervision where your child is going to be, and you want to meet the parents, don’t get angry. Take comfort in knowing that you’re doing your job. It may not be making you popular or well liked by your teenager at the moment, but it’s all a part of the role the parent plays in raising teenagers.

October 22, 2015

Why Don’t Dads Take Parenting Classes

A young intern working on a research project contacted me to ask me a few questions about dads, parenting classes and getting them to engage more with their kids. He told me that his team at the University of Wisconsin-Madison was developing intervention programs to support fathers and to find the best ways of engaging them in programs. He implied there was a belief that men don’t like to take parenting classes and they were trying to find out why. I shared with him that I do occasionally get some dads who contact me for parent coaching or even some who show up at my parenting classes, but mostly it’s the moms who aren’t afraid to seek out help. One of the questions he asked me was, do I interact differently with women as opposed to men in my coaching sessions. I told him that a large part of my training with parents is to help them understand the emotional intelligence aspect of their child and if their emotional needs aren’t met, there is likely to be less cooperation and more misbehavior. Moms get the emotional intelligence of parenting more easily than dads do. Therefore I have to engage the fathers in other ways. So he asked me if I use different teaching methods when I have men in the sessions. I told him that we men tend to be more visual learners and therefore, I use more video demonstrations or role play to create common situations they may find at home with their kids. Next he asked me, “What concerns do fathers tend to bring up in contrast to those brought up by mothers?” My answer to that was that women seem to bring up more questions that involve relationships, feelings, and communication. Men on the other hand seem to ask more questions about day-to-day cooperation, following through with tasks, and examining children’s skills and abilities. His last question was about why dads seem to be less interested in parenting classes. Based on dads that I’ve spoken to, some men feel that it is a sign of weakness to admit that you need help in parenting and just do the best they can, while others believe that parenting and discipline is more of a woman’s job and just leave it all to them. There is one more group of dads I’ve noticed who have the “I gave at the office” mentality. In other words, they believe they work hard all day long and disciplining the kids should not be one of their responsibilities when they get home. To women who want to know how to get their husbands on board to help more with the kids, or to get them to join you at parenting classes, here are some quick tips. Communicate what you want from your partner clearly and don’t assume anything. DO NOT criticize him when he makes an attempt to discipline and he fails (instead encourage him), especially in front of the kids. Finally, make the effort to have private conversations with him to get on the ‘same page’ with parenting before handling certain situations with the kids.

October 22, 2015

Travel Tips: 8 ways to make the most of your global travels

If you’re looking for new inspirations about great places to go and exciting things to do when you’re travelling, there’s nobody better to turn to for great advice than the Cathay Pacific staff who travel to over 180 countries on a daily basis. While the airline flies to a multitude of destinations worldwide, the crew from all over the globe spends a lot of time on the ground between flights. The airline asked their staff to share some helpful travelling tips. Here’s what they had to say: Work up a sweat! Evan, Pilot: “I’ve found that the best way to explore a new city is to go for a run when you first arrive. I always ask the hotel concierge to suggest a running route, but it’s on runs that I’ve seen the embassy district of Delhi, Moscow’s Red Square and the ancient ruins of Rome.” Eat local, try authentic cuisine at least once Aby, Flight Attendant: “Food can tell you a lot about the place you’re in, which is why I always go straight to the local markets when I get to a new city. I look for something unusual and try it – that way, I’ve ended up eating insects, scorpions, kangaroo and a range of other interesting things!” Travel with someone you love Becky, Flight Attendant: “A travel memory is worth so much more when you experience it with someone you love. I surprised my Mum by booking her onto one of my flights to New Zealand, and it was one of the most amazing and memorable experiences of my life. It taught me that the best gifts are the ones that last forever.” Be a kid again Poey, Flight Attendant: “I look at destinations through my child’s eyes. When I show him photos from my trips, he sees spaceships, castles and ocean monsters. He’s reminded me to approach the world with an open mind and rediscover my own sense of wonder.” Skip the crowd Gong, Flight Attendant: “The cities I visit are often full of hustle and bustle, with crowded, busy streets and attractions. That’s why I always get up at dawn to explore a layover destination. It’s a great way to see a city in a completely different light, with no crowds to interfere with the views of historic landmarks and attractions.” Explore the natural side Grace, Flight Attendant: “It’s an amazing feeling travelling to a destination that I’ve only seen on TV. When I went to South Africa, we decided to escape the city and go on a horseback safari. It turned out to be one of the most beautiful and humbling experiences I’ve ever had. It made me realise that we need to escape the cities to see how beautiful the world is.” Revisit your favourite city over different times of the year Indit, Flight Attendant: “For me, it’s never enough to visit a place once – I love to go back and see another side of it. One way to do this is to visit a destination in different seasons. My favourite seasonal city is New York because the place looks so different depending on the time of year – from the skyscrapers sparkling in the summer sun, to the autumn brown of Central Park and the brightly lit Christmas trees surrounded by winter snow.” Explore local history and culture Ben, Pilot: “I’m quite a history buff, and the way places change over time fascinates me. When I have a layover, I like to buy an old travel guide of that particular destination to take with me. You’d be amazed at the difference even a few years makes to a city. It’s even better when I find a really, really old guide. It paints such a different picture of a place and time as I walk around it. My favourite thing about doing this is seeing the old buildings that have stood the test of time and stand tall among their more contemporary neighbours in cities like New York, London and Singapore.” Cathay Pacific recently announced that passengers can now book all international travel on one portal, making it easier to travel by saving them time and effort. Passengers no longer have to search different local airline sites, or make multiple bookings to travel via Johannesburg and Hong Kong – all of that is done by consolidating all travel from Africa, to any of Cathay Pacific’s exciting destinations. Cathay Pacific flies from Johannesburg to Hong Kong seven days a week, connecting to hundreds of destinations across the globe. For more information and flight bookings, visit www.cathaypacific.com/za.

October 19, 2015

Your Child’s Development – Making it Fun!

“Just as my maternity leave was coming to an end, I was asked by Parenting Hub to review the Skidz Activity Box for 0 – 6 Months.” Our Parenting Hub reader to whom we gave the Skidz Activity Box was preparing to go back to work after being at home for the last four months with her beautiful little boy. Because her baby boy is going to be at home in the care of his Nanny, she told us that she had been trying to find ways to keep him stimulated whilst she was away at work and so the Skidz Activity Box came at just the right time. “What I particularly liked about the Skidz Activity Box is the fact that it comes with manual loaded with information so relevant to my baby boy who is now four months old.” The manual not only gives you a list of activities that you can do from birth to six months but includes detailed instructions on how to do everything as well. These include various physical exercises that you can do with your baby, what will be achieved through these exercises, how to do them and when is best to do them. “The manual is also broken up into a weekly curriculum for 0 to 3 months and 3 to 6 months outlining exactly what you can be doing with your baby every day. What I found so helpful with this weekly curriculum was that I was able to give it to my baby’s Nanny who can follow each activity on a daily basis.” If you don’t want to follow the detailed curriculum, you can set one up that works best for you and your baby and the manual includes a section to guide you as to how to do this – brilliant! The box includes everything that you need to work with to follow the curriculum. Stimulating fabrics, toys, textures, colours and sounds. Everything that you need is included in the box. From our Mom, a big high five to Chantelle du Toit who put together this programme. She told us that she would recommend this product to all moms of little children. “Especially where you have to return to work and you’re not going to put your baby in crèche.” Skidz Activity boxes can be obtained through the Skidz website www.skidz.co.za

October 15, 2015

Mommy Meltdowns

Yesterday I completely lost it with my child. Yes, it was over potty training. After being so good the previous day and using the big toilet, he pooped in his pants. I was just angry. H ow can he be so good and we are back to square one the very next day? I was so frustrated and angry as I did all the cleaning up it took me a while to calm down and say sorry to him. Sorry that I lost my temper. Sorry that I expect you to grow up all at once. Sorry that I expect things to go smoothly: that I expect you to learn this thing immediately. Sorry that I get frustrated cleaning up the sh** life throws at me, that I expect it all to be clean and neat. When in reality life is messy, confusing and it takes time for me to learn something, just like you. I’ve written about toddler tantrums before, and I think we accept that tantrums are part and parcel of this time, that little brains are still developing and can’t process emotions like we can. What is really humbling through, is that as adults we are every bit as vulnerable to loosing our tempers. We shouldn’t, but we do. And how terrifying would it be for a little kid to see Mom yelling and losing it, when we are meant to be the role models regulating our emotions? So I’ve put together some pointers for a Mommy Meltdown: when you feel yourself losing it, follow these pointers, maybe you’ll have more success than me. Breathe. Count. Pray. Exit. Give yourself space – if you need to leave the room to calm down, do it. If you need to distract yourself with something else e.g. a book or your phone, do it. Just give yourself the space you need to calm down. Change your expectations. A lot of my problems are because I am incorrectly assuming things about my son’s ability at this age. Yesterday I woke him up from his nap for swimming. Big mistake. All he wanted to do was sleep and I actually had to go home. Should I really be expecting perfection with potty training? Probably not. Track your triggers. I wrote a post about the Orange Rhino project before and how I drew up a chart and tracked what was making me mad. I found out that the later in the day it was, the more I was losing it. This helped for structuring my day (e.g. cooking in the morning). Me time. This is the most important. I went away for most of Saturday for the SA Mom blog relaunch. I came back and I had so much more energy to give to him! Don’t lose it, use it. Anger can be an opportunity to see why you are getting so upset. Chat to another mom, have a vent, figure out why this is bothering you so much. Often there is a connection to yourself. I have recently been so irritated with Nicky’s clingy behaviour but it has also opened me up to my own helicopter parenting tendencies. Apologise: Even if we do lose it, it’s a chance for us to show our kids that we do make mistakes and we are capable of saying sorry. In the same way we expect them to say sorry too. If you’re having a mommy meltdown, take heart: you are not the only one. Just remember to learn from it so that you can do better than a tantrum toddler next time!

October 14, 2015

Tips To Get You Back In Shape This Summer

New moms often struggle to find any time for themselves. Between what seems like constant feeding, changing and washing, exercise is the last thing on your mind. Yet, getting back into shape is not about maintaining a perfect physique but keeping your energy and fitness levels on par with the increased demands of your new mommy life. Skechers, the globally trusted brand behind Skechers GOwalk 3 walking shoes, believes that a few minutes of focused walking in a week can be a game changer for a new mom that may be descending into burnout or post-baby blues: Get moving when you can – You don’t need to belong to a gym, you don’t need to fit in with a schedule of classes, and you don’t need a completely new wardrobe to get started. You can pick up your house keys, put on your walking shoes, and get out there, whenever it suits you. If you’re a working mom, take your walking break during your lunch hour – you’ll be extra-refreshed and alert when you return to your desk. A few minutes is all you need – You don’t need to be out walking for hours. A 30 minute brisk walk five days a week will help you lose weight, boost your fitness and strengthen your heart. If 30 minutes sounds like a long time, start with 10 minutes, and build up to longer time frames over a week or two. Find a space that relaxes you – Walking in a park or green space can help reduce depression and raise self-esteem, especially when you’ve spent your maternity leave serving the needs of another at the expense of your own. Don’t forget your tummy – You’ll get the best results if you tighten your tummy muscles while you’re walking. This will help you walk up straight, and help your breathing too. Walking isn’t just about your legs – It’s about your arms too! Swinging them as you walk tones the muscles in your arms, shoulders and upper back, and while you may not get Obamarms just from walking, it’ll be a good start… Invest in proper walking shoes – When you’re trying them on make sure that your toes have room to wiggle and that your heels don’t slip. Choose a shoe that’s lightweight and flexible too. Track your progress – You can choose an app on your mobile phone. You’ll be able to track your distance covered as well as your time, and you can set new goals for yourself too. Check if walking saves you money – Many medical aids offer loyalty points for tracking your activity with a pedometer, so chances are you could save yourself some money through the discounts they offer as a reward for investing in your health. Keep things interesting – Walk different routes every day. Ringing the changes will also mean that you don’t make yourself vulnerable to criminal elements who monitor your movements. Vary your pace too and the landscape – Hills may seem daunting, but they’ll work your glutes and burn more calories, while sprint walking between landmarks will add to variety and alleviate boredom too. Find a friend to walk with – If you’re feeling isolated, walking time could be a great way to catch up with your partner or close friend without any other distractions.

October 9, 2015

Making Time For Your Children When Working In The Corporate World

For those people who know me well, they will know that I call a spade a spade and what you see is what you get….in other words I say it like it is! That way I get things off my chest and can move on, so that I can cope with the next thing that comes my way. There is no fluff! Reason I am saying this is because I think it is important to be honest with other women who are in the same boat as me, trying to juggle many balls and still be that perfect mother, wife and friend along the way! This way we can relate better to each other and perhaps find some comfort within each other’s crazy life of “being a working mother”. All full time working mothers will know that planning is key! Being organised and writing lists, checking and rechecking those famous lists and being a magician are the key ingredients to making it work! Oh not to forget one must have a sense of humour and 27 hours in a day! Thinking on one’s feet and making arrangements along the way is crucial. I am a problem solver at work and at home. It is a slight military operation to keep it all together! Who can relate? I am sure many….. Last night I was at work until 8.15pm and I only got home after 8.45pm. My daughter was already asleep and my son waiting up for me. After a busy and stressful day juggling client meetings, a board meeting and managing all the projects I am busy with, honestly I was hoping both kids would be asleep ( how bad is that!) when I got home so I could put my feet up in peace for five minutes before I started to pack their bags for the next day, sign all the notices, wrap the presents for the parties, finish a project, find something for show and tell and diarise all the rest of the activities and requirements for the rest of the week! Shew….. Although I know in my heart that I am doing my very best and more, guilt still constantly eats me up and yes at times I do overcompensate with the kids because of this! Just ask my husband! Yes this life is exhausting and I am not perfect. There are times when I feel like I can’t get out of bed and that I need a break and there are days that I just want to crawl under the duvet when the alarm goes off at 5.15am! I love my family first and foremost, but I also love my work and wouldn’t have things any other way! I feel that personally I am a better mother when I am kept busy, stimulated and I feel more motivated the busier I am…believe it or not I do love my crazy life! However when I am not working, I try to spend as much time as possible with my kids. The week-ends are super important and sacred to us. Usually we take the kids out on a Friday evening to enjoy a meal together as a family with Saturdays being filled up with kid’s parties and some general admin that I can’t seem to get to during the week! My son and my husband both share a love for off road motor biking and spend most Sunday mornings loading up the bikes and on the track at Zone 7 just outside of Cape Town, whilst my daughter is a real homebody and mommy’s girl so is quite happy to chill with me and tag along to have a coffee and do a spot of shopping. Girly stuff generally. I also get roped into playing Barbie’s and building Lego (which I must say I love!) with the two of them. The kids love this one on one time. We try to take the kids to school most mornings and that is our special time to chat in the car. I also try to plan my diary to allow for me to fetch them both at least once a week from school. This is often a surprise for them. To see their happy faces when they see me at the gate, brings tears to my eyes. During the week, when we get home at a decent hour we make time to catch up with the kids about their day and read stores together before bed time. My kids have always had both parents working and don’t really know any different. I am lucky to have amazing support at home which I need especially as my husband commutes to Gauteng most weeks. Being a business owner, I can be flexible and make it work. I try to never miss a sports day, ballet show or gala. I still bake the cakes for the raffle (even if at 11pm!) and lift on outings (thank heavens for IPhone and email on the phone) so that my kids don’t feel it too much. These “small things” are actually a big deal for the kids and I am happy to do it. Being flexible and being able to be at all of these special occasions means that I often have to work till late at night or early in the morning catching up, but that is a small sacrifice to make, to ensure my kids are happy and well-adjusted and I like to think that they are. I hope my little ones will grow up respecting the fact that we as working parents made a lot of sacrifices to maintain a well-balanced life for them, in a warm and loving environment. Having a strong good work ethic is important to us and I want my kids to know that things don’t come easy in life. One has to work hard, be ambitious and have dreams to achieve all ones goals. That is my gift to them!

October 8, 2015

Getting your kids to move again… the fun way!

Global obesity is a growing problem and according to reports, childhood obesity in particular is at its worst levels ever. South African statistics show an alarming number of children are overweight or obese, similar to levels recorded in developed countries more than a decade ago. Parents record a worrying obsession with technology including cellphones, tablets, television and gaming as many of them are specifically designed for children, who seem to prefer them to being active. What’s to be done then? While overweight children are at risk of developing cardiovascular disease and other disorders in adulthood, this is not the only reason to take action and get children eating better and moving – in fact, the earlier, the better! Physical activity has a host of benefits – mental perception levels, social, physical and physiological. And to help busy families teach little ones to move like champs, Virgin Active has introduced a new fundamental movement skills programme for children aged 3 to 7 at their Club-V facilities. Called ‘Active Play’ the programme is a collaboration between the health club and Kinderkinetics at the Department of Sport Science, Stellenbosch University. Why this age group? “The phase between 2-7 years old is considered the fundamental movement phase of gross motor development, says Dr Eileen Africa, Lecturer and Head of Kinderkinetics, Department of Sport Science, Stellenbosch University Dr Africa says, “Fundamental movement skills (FMS) are important because they serve as the basis for what goes beyond. FMS are critical to establish the foundation for participation in more complex movements later in life. An active child is a happy child and a happy child becomes a healthy adult.” “The focus of Active Play is on the development of 10 fundamental movement skills,” says Catherine Coupar, National Junior Member Manager at Virgin Active. “These include running, jumping, hopping, galloping, throwing, catching, striking, kicking, static balance and dynamic balance. Each of these fundamental movement skills has two or more activities created for them. These activities are carried out in fun, short bursts, which we are calling ‘movement moments’, to kick start the children’s skills development with us.” How much ‘active is enough? The World Health Organisation (WHO) sets the guidelines for children in order to improve cardiorespiratory and muscular fitness and bone health. Children and youth aged between 5 and 17 should accumulate at least 60 minutes of moderate to vigorous-intensity physical activity daily. Dr Africa says, “This kind of activity used to be a normal part of childhood but the time children spend on active play is limited for the following reasons: safety issues, both parents employed, smaller gardens, toys that make a difference to activity (like bicycles) are expensive, busy lifestyles and of course technology. “Kinderkinetics,” she says, “decided to collaborate with Virgin Active on this project because it is the perfect platform to share our passion for children’s health and wellbeing. We have written the Active Play manual to help make activities in Club-V more structured and scientifically-based. We also want to make parents more aware of the type of activities that can be done to help their children.” How it works Club-V staff, who are qualified in early childhood development and paediatric first aid, have been fully trained and have their own equipment toolkit – including ladders, bean bags, cones, hula hoops and more as well as cue cards to effectively deliver the movement skills programme. The aim is to keep it fun, aspirational and interactive. Every child will get his or her own Active Play book (which stays at the club) and every time an activity is completed a tick goes onto the relevant page in their book. Once they have received all ticks for that activity, they receive a sticker for their book, as a sign of achievement of that movement skill. Once the whole book is filled up, they receive a certificate, which they take home, along with their finished book, in order to share their success with mum and dad. Rewarding progress “We will continue to add new activities every few months, which means the children start new books and continue to learn new activities to keep them stimulated and moving as well as becoming more proficient at these movement skills,” says Coupar. “In addition, we will also have extra movement and activity ideas for parents so that they can actively exercise and play at home with their children.” Active Play is now available at all Club-V facilities. Look out for the poster campaign which has as its pay off line: ‘Make friends with us. We’re learning to move, the fun way.’ So if your life is busy and time for exercise is tight but you have your child’s wellbeing at heart, make Active Play your kid’s ‘exercise companion’ to ensure your kids get moving and are active. And of course, stay happy.

September 28, 2015

The Criticism Cycle

The competition starts before we are even aware. We begin the competition from the day we are born. Parents actually set up the first rivalry. Babies are judged by who is longer or bigger at birth. It continues with when a baby walks talk’s train’s counts and manipulates objects. Parents may refuse to believe they are remotely in any race but the reality of the matter is from babyhood through adulthood we are programmed to compete. When we compete we set the stage for a winner and so there must be at least one or more losers. Has anyone proven that there are rewards for keeping down whole food at the youngest possible age? Does walking at ten months make one more special than walking at eighteen months? Is bigger better really? If we answer no to theses questions but still discuss our child’s size then we are a hypocrite. Think for a minute. No one goes around saying my child is in the ten percent in height and weight. My child walked later than most children. Seriously, if we set parameters all the time, there will be those that surpass them and those that will simply fail. The question is if it is worth out time and effort. Jumping further into the future we struggle with school work and the best speakers, writers and math stars. If a child does poorly we begin stressing his or her sports ability. Suddenly we are giving up on school work and in the process brainwashing our child into believing they don’t have the ability to be successful in school. How detrimental it is to discover our realities manifesting due to our own making. The same is true of the scholar who is believed to be only good at school work. They come to believe they have no athletic capabilities. When this happens we are not allowing our children to be all that they can be and more. It boils down to competition. We forget the possibility that with training, the poor athlete may get better or the poor scholar may find his or her niche and discover the cure for a disease. This is not as crazy as it might sound. The superficial part believes we can peg any person into a certain hole and leave them there. Grandparents may add to this competition. They begin comparing grandchildren by saying this one will be great in school and this one will be getting an athletic scholarship. This sounds so silly. The children are perhaps toddlers. What happened to the goals of kindness and caring as well as empathy and selflessness? Maybe it is time to reflect on the altruistic attributes. Children will display what we expect of them. If we expect our child to mess up in high school because that is what teens do then that is what our kids will do. They return to us what we believe. Don’t expect your son or daughter to party through college and just possibly they won’t. Parents pit their children against each other every time they compare them. One year in time may find one child with more strength or endurance while another is lacking. It is not necessary to point this out. It is also not necessary to push the child in need to be the same. It is okay to be different. We are not all the same but we all are important and unique. Forcing everyone to love music, dance, sports, book learning or anything else is foolish. Yes we all need to learn and become educated but we can’t force a love of math or science. We can’t force the stamina to work out for an athletic endeavour. Siblings can be close friends if parents allow them to simply be themselves. Love your children. That is the only requirement of parenthood that will make all the difference in the world. Other people can and will influence your children along the way. At that point the parents should have created a firm foundation. It ought to maintain them and allow them to weather any questionable time in life. If siblings compete, their brother or sister becomes the enemy. Sometimes we might have the ability but not the interest to pursue certain athletic or educational goals. Other times the timing is not yet right for us. Being a good person first is what we should be striving for. In the end we will find our way. The uttermost person at the top with the best idea cannot always make it happen without those working with him or her to attain the goal. Without all of us the finest thoughts can be laid to rest. After all of our growing years are over, the end result is an adult ready to face the struggles of the real world competition. It is sad to find people pitted against each other rather than working together. The fastest worker gets the raise. The best personality befriends the boss. The schmoozer secures his job. The book learned person keeps ahead of the masses. One wonders about the true identity of anyone. We may want to ask the real person to stand up. Our importance does not depend on our pushing someone beneath us. It depends on how many people we manage to lift up to stand beside us. The baby test needs to be rewritten or dumped altogether. It is time to help each other rather than hurt each other. Children shouldn’t have to begin life believing they are less than others. We need to love them as they are and have faith and belief in them. When anyone receives love they have the ability to bounce it back to others. The more love received, the more love bounced and spread around to others. It will leave us all with only one goal. The goal will be to manifest as much love as we can so that wherever we look we will find it.

September 24, 2015

7 Things Every Child of Divorce Needs

PARENTS WHO LISTEN MORE AND SPEAK LESS. A child’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviour may be unstable during this difficult time. They need to be able to express how they feel without their emotions begin stuffed. Some of the things they say may be difficult for the parent to hear, so don’t dismiss or minimise what is said or how they feel. REGULAR ACCESS TO GRANDPARENTS. Relationships with your extended family may be difficult for you, but the kids still need them. Determine what access grandparents and other extended family members will have to your children and remain open to the fact that these adults can be very helpful during this difficult time. It can often times be easier for children to express their feelings to grandparents and others. PARENTS WILLING TO TAKE A PARENTING CLASS. I’m not talking about the inexpensive divorce class that most states require all divorcing parents to go through, I’m talking about a multi-session parenting class in which parents learn about the development stages of childhood and what constitutes normal and abnormal behaviour. Getting this additional help from a class or even a parent coach can prepare you for major behaviour challenges caused by the divorce. FIRM BOUNDARIES AND LIMITATIONS. Even though many children and teens will push the limits even further during a divorce, they require firm rules to know that the parents are still in charge and care. Firm boundaries creates feelings of safety and love, especially during difficult times such as divorce. Avoid the urge to give in and bend rules, just to avoid hearing the dreadful statement, “I want to go live with my Dad (or Mom).” RESPECTFUL TALK ABOUT THE OTHER PARENT. Your issues with your ex are your issues, not your child’s. No matter how terrible of a person you feel your ex was to you or to the kids, your children will most likely still see them as the wonderful, flawless parent they once were. You don’t have to speak affectionately about them in front of the kids, just respectfully. CONSISTENCY ON RULES OF ACCESS TO INAPPROPRIATE MATERIAL. Your son comes home from a visitation with the other parent, with a new smart phone, tablet, violent video game, or any other object you normally don’t allow him to have. Avoid thinking that he can keep it just because the other parent gave it to him. Calmly and kindly hold on to that item until the next visitation occurs. You can’t do anything about what your child is exposed to in the other parent’s home, but you can in your own. PARENTS WITH EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. Going through a divorce can be devastating and something no one should go through alone. Seek out support groups in your community to get the help you need. Many churches offer a continuing workshop and support group called Divorce Care that is open to anyone, even if you are not a member of the church. Your children need you emotionally strong and able to provide the support they will need to get through this difficult time.

September 24, 2015

The Importance Of Being A Loving And Involved Dad

Some time ago, I went to a talk on gender issues at my sons’ school by Prof Cheryl de la Rey, during which she voiced her concern about the large percentage of boys in SA growing up without fathers and how this lack of male guidance may be linked to the high rate of gender-based violence, particularly rape, in our country. This got me thinking and researching the topic. It seems fatherless boys feel incomplete, alone and lacking a strong identity. They are more drawn to seek acceptance in groups – unfortunately not always positive influences. They often struggle with discipline issues (are more likely to display ‘hypermasculine’ behaviour, including aggression) at home and at school, where they are outperformed by students with fathers in all subjects. They’re also more likely to make poor choices, including becoming fathers early, getting involved in crime and abusing alcohol and/or drugs, which can impact their lives forever. The emotional availability and involvement of a father in a child’s life is quite possibly more important than the physical presence of fathers in the household on a day-to-day basis. In South Africa, where migrant labour is still a big issue, this is an important factor. A study in Botswana concluded that “children are not necessarily disadvantaged by the absence of their father, but they are disadvantaged when they belong to a household without access to the social position, labour, and financial support that is provided by men.” Men providing financial support for their children could mean the difference between children being given a good education, better living conditions and a chance in life versus growing up in poverty. A study in America found that children in father-absent homes are almost four times more likely to be poor. In 2011, 12% of children in married-couple families were living in poverty, compared to 44% of children in mother-only families. In South Africa, it was estimated by Ms Richter of the HSRC (Human Sciences Research Council) that around 54% of men aged 15-49 years were fathers, but that nearly 50% of these fathers did not have daily contact with their children. The failure of men to acknowledge and/or support their children, together with high rates of sexual and physical abuse, which is perpetrated mainly by men, points to a situation of ‘men in crisis’ in South Africa. Poverty and high rates of unemployment may be a contributing factor in the large numbers of fathers failing to take responsibility of their children – many are financially unable to do so. This can lead to a downward spiral where fathers may be there physically, but emotionally they indulge in alcohol or drugs and become irresponsible and unresponsive to their families. Whether parents of children are married or not also plays a role in whether the father will be absent or present. A study in Soweto and Johannesburg found that only 20% of fathers who were not married to their child’s mother at the time of its birth were still in contact with their children by the time they were 11 years old. Research by the SA Institute of Race Relations indicates that “the typical” child is raised by a mother in a single-parent household. Most fathers are alive, but absent. A racial dimension was evident in trends of absent fathers – in 2009 black children under 15 years had the lowest percentage of present fathers at 30%, compared to 53% for coloured children, 85% for Indians and 83% for whites. Only 35% of children were living with both their biological parents in 2008. Boys need their dads. Not just ANY dads though – dads who are good male role models; kind, loving, involved and interested in their children. Dads they can admire, respect and aspire to be like. Girls need their dads too. Girls who grow up with their fathers are more likely to have higher self-esteem, lower levels of risky sexual behaviour, and fewer difficulties in forming and maintaining romantic relationships later in life. They have less likelihood of having an early pregnancy, bearing children outside marriage, marrying early, or getting divorced. Both boys and girls are less likely to be obese, according to a survey done in the USA. It seems growing up without a dad can be a make or break factor in later life. There are many negatives, but there are also many examples of extremely successful men and women who have enormous drive and ambition partly because of the untimely death of or abandonment by their fathers. These include: Halle Berry, Orlando Bloom, Pierce Brosnan, Mariah Carey, 50 Cent, Eric Clapton, Bill Clinton, Samuel Jackson, John Lennon, Marilyn Monroe, Demi Moore, Jack Nicholson, Al Pacino, Clive Owen, Julia Roberts, Barbra Streisand, Shania Twain. The success of these celebrities may be largely attributed to being raised well by their single mothers. Here are a few tips for single mothers on raising happy, healthy and successful children: Support your child by recognising their strengths, talents and gifts; talk about these and do whatever you can to give them opportunities to excel at these. Help your child to be part of a healthy “tribe” or group – church, a sports team, drama club, dance group – rather than leaving it up to them to find their own peer group. Watch out for silent anger. Be compassionate and keep an eye out for less obvious signs such as exasperation at school, bullying or self loathing. Encourage your child to express their anger in a positive way, or get help for them to learn better coping methods. Beware of lopsided views about sex, love and trust. Boys don’t get the practical advice they need about sex from their dads that would carry them into healthy, fulfilling relationships as men. They may also have a deep-seated hurt leading them to view love as a weakness, and could have difficulty trusting someone with their heart. Girls often confuse sex with love, and could get involved in early sexual behaviour hoping to

September 23, 2015

How Does Debt Counselling Work?

Debt counselling is the process of assisting consumers who have debt related problems. With the total consumer debt exceeding R1.4 trillion in South Africa alone, there is a growing need for professional debt assistance. Debt is unfortunately a harsh reality for many people – with thousands of individuals struggling to make ends meet, assistance is often needed. A debt counsellor will draft a budget for you – this will reflect your income less your expenses (mortgage, food, school fees, etc.). The debt counsellor will then establish an affordable repayment instalment for you, according to the money you have available. Your debt counsellor can also negotiate with your creditors on your behalf, to obtain reduced premiums for you, allowing you to pay off your debt in a reasonable period of time. The debt counselling process often includes the following services: Professional budget advice Payment restructuring Negotiating with credit providers Monitoring payments Providing after-care support At Help My Debt we handle all the negotiation on your behalf and take care of the entire administration process, as outlined by the NCA. We help you to regain your financial freedom by providing professional debt counselling services according to your unique needs. We work to deliver a professional and focused service to over-indebted consumers. The Benefits of Debt Counselling By making use of a professional debt counsellor, you can benefit from the following: One affordable instalment Legal protection from your credit providers Enough money to cover your basic monthly living expenses We negotiate on your behalf with credit providers You will be on the road to becoming debt free

September 22, 2015

The Amazing Sleep Trainer for Young Children

Toddlers are inquisitive little people. Their heads are filled with new exciting ideas, their hearts are full of adventure and they start each morning full of energy for the new day. Buy, this start might be at an entirely inappropriate time for parents! As a parent of a toddler, there is nothing worse than hearing your child at 5am and realising that they are ready to start their day right away. It is socially acceptable for a toddler to have a daytime nap, but that is less acceptable for tired parents! However if we consider for a moment how the toddler must feel, we realise that it is not as simple as just going back to bed. As adults, if we wake in the night we can check our clocks and know that we have hours more sleep to have before we need to be up. Toddlers don’t yet have that ability. How do they know the difference between 3 minutes until wake up time, and 3 hours? During the sunny summer months, with late sunsets and early sunrises how do they know that daylight outside doesn’t necessarily mean it is time to wake up? Thank goodness the Gro Company has the solution. Introducing the Gro-clock is a toddler sleep training clock that can help the entire family to manage their sleep patterns. By aiding children’s understanding of day and night, it can help prevent early morning wake up calls. The Gro-clock has an illuminated LCD screen with friendly images of stars, and a sun to communicate ‘sleep’ and ‘wake –up’ time. It comes with a free bedtime book called ‘Sleepy Farm’ that explains in a simple and toddler-friendly story, why to use the clock, and why it is important to stay in bed until the sun. The clock is set by the parents, who designate a ‘wake-up’ time. At night the toddler and their parent read the story, and then say goodnight to their clock. The clock ‘goes to sleep’ (the screen shows a sleeping star surrounded by small stars. Through the night the stars count down and in the morning at the designated wake-up time, the screen changes to a happy yellow sun. If the toddler wakes in the night, they will be able to see the stars and understand that it is not morning time yet. They know that it isn’t morning until the sun comes up. By counting down the stars and waiting for the sun to come up, children learn what time they can get out of bed – as set by their parents. The Gro-clock teaches a healthy sleep routine which can transform families’ lives. There is a digital clock display for older children, which is great for encouraging number and time recognition. For toddlers who want to press the buttons on their clock, there is a parental key lock option! The Gro-clock allows parents to enter two different wake up times, so their child can use the clock for their night time sleep and their daytime nap. The brightness on the screen is adjustable and in case it is needed, there is also an alarm clock option. The Gro-clock genuinely changes parents lives, in the UK there are over 1500 5* reviews on Amazon, and parents all over the world can’t stop talking about it! ‘I don’t think I could be without our Gro-Clock now and I would highly recommend it for toddlers!’ Laura Evelyn Bee- Parent Blogger and mum of 3 year old girl. ‘Darcie rarely wakes now and if she does she normally can self soothe. I really don’t know why I have waited so long to try this amazing product …! So if you’re struggling with bedtime and getting them to stay in their own room, make sure you give this a try’ Mummy Burgess- parent blogger and mum of 2 year old Darcie 5am wake ups can be a thing of the past with the Gro-clock- How do you get your children to understand when it’s time to get up? SIMPLE “stay in bed until you see the sun!”

September 21, 2015

Appropriate Boundaries In Parenting

What do parents most want from children? Is it obedience – for children to do what parents think is best whether for the benefit of the child or for the parent? Could it be love – that parents want their children to love them unconditionally as parents try to love their children unconditionally? What about becoming good citizens who are responsible, pleasant to be around, non-offensive to others, and working toward success and independence? And, does love equal respect? So, how do parents get what they most want from their children? The answer is setting appropriate boundaries. These boundaries look and feel different depending on the chosen parenting style. There are typically three styles of parenting with some parents jumping from one style to the other depending on what point or convenience they believe is important to make at the time. The first boundary style is called “lines in the sand” as described here: 4-year old Jody and her mother are eating lunch at a local restaurant. Jody wants some gum out of the gum ball machine and asks her mom for some money. When mom says “Not now, sweetie”, Jody continues to ask and mom continues to deny the request. Mom decides to call a friend on her cell phone and while mom is distracted Jody goes into her mom’s wallet, gets a handful of change, puts the coins in the machine and comes back to the table with some gum in her mouth. After a bit, Mom finally notices Jody chewing gum and tells her friend the whole story as Jody listens. Mom expresses to her friend she just doesn’t understand why Jody doesn’t obey her. Jody is never personally scolded for her poor choice or instructed how to make a better choice. Although many parents want to have fun with their children, when a parent draws a line in the sand as the boundary for the child to follow, the relentless waves of the tide come in and wash the line away each time it is drawn. Therefore, what did Jody learn? If this parenting style is used often, Jody will relentlessly test her mom and other authority figures just to see where the boundaries actually are. Often, foster parents are unsure of where to place boundaries on foster children and may be overly lenient to compensate for the hurt foster children have experienced. “Lines in the sand” parenting tells foster children that 1) they are not good enough to have set or standard boundaries and will need to set their own, 2) the parent is incapable of setting appropriate boundaries, or 3) they are special and don’t need to follow the same boundaries as other family members. This parenting style leads birth and foster children toward rebellion breeding chaos, fighting, disrespect and a low sense of self- worth. The second style of parenting is described as a “brick wall”. Picture it … a tall, thick, red brick wall. Does it signify protection, strength, a sense of durability; or could it be described more cold, looming, harsh, and impenetrable? Children need the protection and strength from parents but never do they need parents to be unwelcoming, forbidding, rigid or unforgiving. Children also need the opportunity to learn to make good choices. A safe and comfortable home environment is where children can experience many opportunities to practice making choices. Being allowed to make choices encourages confidence. If children find the answer to their requests always being “no”, and / or a place where guilt and un-forgiveness is the rule of the day, then those children will seek acceptance elsewhere and usually in unfavourable settings. This parenting style also leads children to rebellion breeding chaos, fighting, disrespect and a low sense of self-worth. Often children run from rigidity because their inherent sense of free will or freedom of choice is being squelched. Foster children have often been reared in homes which have neglected their needs either through moving or non-existent boundaries, such as “lines in the sand”; or very strict boundaries described as “brick wall” parenting. The two extremes in parenting have been explained leaving the third parenting style of the “deep-rooted tree”. Picture a tall sturdy tree whose branches spread out over the yard giving shelter, shade, beauty, freedom, creativity, recreation and a feeling of being tested over time. One of the benefits of this parenting style is the manner in which life’s storms are weathered – with grace, flexibility and wisdom. There’s no room for arrogance, impatience or pity. A quiet strength is rooted in good soil rich with healthy nutrients expressing the importance of taking care of oneself and of others. There are no inappropriate expectations nor judgement but a joy when family members choose to spend time together under the tree. Delightful flowers and foliage often bring forth delicious fruit allowing others to share from the bounty and the beauty this style offers. When the storms come, deeply planted roots hold the tree upright with a strong trunk. The branches know just how far to bend without breaking from the wind. And so it is with this parenting style. As children need strength and wisdom from their parents, they also need flexibility. “Deep-rooted” parenting has a strong foundation supporting children to learn from their personal experiences through proper guidance in making effective choices. These teaching moments become life lessons which mould children’s character and prepare them to respond appropriately in future situations. As foster parents, strength with flexibility offered to all children shows parents care about children as individuals, that parents believe in children and trust their ability to make good choices for their level of development. Children experience freedom and peace when acting within appropriate boundaries. In return, through time parents will receive the love and respect that they demonstrate to others. Although flexibility is the key element in appropriate boundaries, determining how far a parent is willing to go and being consistent in not going beyond the boundary limit is crucial. A

September 10, 2015

21 Places To Put Sudocrem Other Than On Your Baby’s Bottom

It may be thick, pasty and a pain in the (literal) ass to rub in, but Sudocrem has kept #babyjake 100% nappy rash free for all 11 months of his existence. And apart from keeping his little bummy wummy soft and dry, there are many uses for this cream beyond the bum. I can vouch for many of these (I am particularly skilled in use #14), but thankfully I don’t have much experience with others (#’s 11 and 16 would fall into this category). Whatever the ailment though, there is something in here for everyone. So here are 21 places to put sudocrem other than on your baby’s bottom: 1. All Round Healing Cream thanks to Zinc Oxide. The joy of Sudocrem is its high Zinc Oxide content. That’s the magical antibacterial and anti-inflammatory ingredient that makes this cream an all-round healer. When Zinc Oxide is applied to a wound area, it provides the body with the extra zinc it needs to repair skin cells. Use it on rashy patches, cuts, grazes and, well, any skin irritations for that matter (great for those annoying grass rashes and for teething/drool chin rash!) 2. Acne. Perhaps the most famed of all uses (even more so than as a bum cream) is its role in clearing acne, spots, blemishes, pimples and breakouts. Simply apply to the spot in question, and watch it magically reduce in redness and size. 3. Face Mask. Yes. It’s true. Because Sudocrem is so thick and pasty, you can’t use it as a regular moisturiser. But you can use it once a week as an all-round face mask. This DIY beauty hack has even made its way into celebrity circles. After your regular bedtime cleansing, smear Sucocrem all over your whole face (you can try massage it in, but you won’t get very far). Then leave it to absorb overnight. It helps tighten pores and prevent the buildup of sebum, reducing the formation of blackheads and pimples. You will go to bed looking like Casper, but you will wake up looking fresher and smoother, with a more even complexion. Be sure to sleep on a towel. Do this once a week only. 4. This one is for the Dads. Shaving Rash / Razor Burn 5. Rough, cracked heels (apply cream, put socks on, and allow to seep in overnight). 6. Wrinkles. It’s a hell of a lot cheaper than La Mer, so I figure there isn’t much to lose by trying this one out. Zinc is a natural astringent – that means it tightens the skin’s elastic fiber leading to a reduced appearance of wrinkles. 7. Insect Bites and Stings. Sudocrem contains a mild local anaesthetic to ease discomfort. 8. To prevent and soothe chaffing (be it from cycling or because your thighs rub together in summer). 9. Sweat Rashes (you know, those pesky under the boob ones). 10. Primer. Another DIY beauty trick. Apply a tiny (TINY) bit here and there as you would a regular primer, before applying makeup. It will provide your skin with a thin barrier so that your foundation / eye shadow can be applied without sinking into pores and creases. Once rubbed in, it isn’t greasy and doesn’t leave you looking shiny. It actually leaves a matte finish. Be careful not to slather it on too thickly though, or you may end up looking like a ghostly, pale and chalky corpse. 11. Can be used to help treat Eczema, Psoriasis, Molluscum, Bedsores, Chilblains and Warts (again, the zinc works its magic here). 12. Dogs also get dry patches, itchy sores and tail chaffing. Sudocrem is recommended by many a vet (but it can be difficult to clean so make sure that you rub it in really well and while it is not toxic, just keep an eye out that your dog doesn’t lick too much of it off.) 13. Apply around your hairline when applying hair dye / colour, to prevent your skin from staining. 14. Sunburn, the ultimate after-sun treatment. There we were, frolicking on our first seaside holiday as a new family. And somehow, I missed the First-Time-Mom-Memo that states that you will still burn under an umbrella. So after a lovely swim (where #babyjake was pathologically lathered in SPF 100 and kitted out in his UVA/UVB protective scuba suit), we had a little post-swim lie down in the umbrella’s shade. Shade being the operative word in that sentence. 3 hours later and I had sunburnt my 4 month old to lobster red status. Of course, good old Google warned us that “Your baby will die within 2 hours if emergency medical action is not taken”. And so, after several hysterical phone calls to every after-hours Paed in Durban, Sudocrem and its high zinc content saved us. Applied hourly, every hour, for 24 hours, and well #babyjake left Durban with a lovely tan. Tip: Leave the tub in the fridge, and apply the cooled cream to really ease the burn. #firsttimemom 15. Dry, callous knees and elbows. 16. Piles, haemorrhoids and painful bowel movements. 17. When ailed with colds and flu, apply under the nose to prevent dryness and chaffing from excessive wiping and blowing 18. Itchy and inflamed scar tissue. This has soothed my still itchy, (actual) emergency c-section cut. 19. Protect your manicured hands when washing the dishes. Sudocrem’s water-repellent base creates a protective seal. Also great to protect your little one’s chin from the drool floodgates of teething. Just apply and the drool won’t cause a chin rash. 20. Bruises. To reduce appearance and swelling. 21. Emergency Redness Reduction (whether you’ve just plucked your eyebrows minutes before needing to leave the house, or have woken up looking like Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer). Tip: Remember a little goes a long way. You only ever need to use a teeny tiny smidgen (except for when you sunburn your 4 month old baby, then go wild.)

September 7, 2015

Can Our Actions Increase Or Lessen Fear?

Fear consumes our lives. We base all of our decisions on our fears. Fear is not a rich or poor man’s baggage. It is not an educated or uneducated man’s burden. Doubt has nothing to do with our upbringing, environment, the people we choose for friends, nor the people who are our relatives. It is not based on jobs, capabilities or personalities. Just as we all have to eat and rest for survival, we all share similar concerns. Strange to find nobody spends much time talking about our anxieties, unless we are going to a therapist. The concerns of others, as well as our own apprehensions, make us feel inadequate. Doubt brings us down. It appears smarter to ignore our trepidations as much as we can. But once in a while, they explode. At those few and far between times we deal with them, resolve them as best we can, and move on. Fear is perhaps viewed as a weakness, and vulnerability is not what society as a whole, admires. Our society values strength and independence. We function well in most situations. There are just those times daily, weekly monthly when we must encounter some forms of alarm, and resolve them for the moment. Instead of just solving them for the moment, it would be better to learn to understand them. so Logically they would either go away, or rarely show their faces. To strengthen muscles takes a long tedious time. To strengthen our understanding of fright is also a slow process. It will involve many setbacks. With understanding we will see fear as a natural strength that keeps us safe. At times, we spend so much time contemplating about terror that we forget to simply live our lives. We need to begin at the beginning to understand where anxiety comes from, why it controls us and dominates our lives, how it affects us, what effects it produces, why it is detrimental to us, how we can see it for what it is, and how we can stop it. We begin our lives in total fear. What’s happening? Why am I being launched out of my cozy comfortable environment? We are literally pushed away from our comfort zone. We struggle through a narrow tunnel and explode into a cold world. We then struggle to breathe. Getting jostled around, rubbed roughly, and invaded in our oral and nasal passages before finally managing to inhale a cold searing breath for the first time. Welcome into the human world. After being swiftly wrapped, we are placed by our mother’s side for love, warmth and nurturing. Doubts arise from the start of our lives. Right from the beginning we are consumed with fear and thus begins our long journey and inseparable attachment to worry. I’m not really suggesting that our birth is the reason we live our lives in fear. Our births may be slightly traumatic, but existence is much more stressful and traumatic in terms of daily survival. Babies cling to their moms and with good reason. They are aware that it is mom and dad who feed them and comfort them. Babies know that without mom and dad they can’t get to the food. Every moment they wait for mom or dad to be present and pick them up, and care for them. Their existence depends on their parents. The baby’s journey of a lifetime of fear has already begun. If we questioned how important parents are to a growing baby, we would see why the baby’s terrors are a genuine reality. No one can explain to a baby that they will get fed even if mom or dad is not present. Grandma or Papa or some other caring adult will step in. If the baby was alert to this, the fear might dissipate but babies are not aware of all that is happening around them. They want their mother. As a toddler matures, he or she begins to realise that other people are within his sphere and may help to satisfy his needs. It comforts a very young child, to know that they have more adults to rely upon in time of need. Our next journey through our childhood years begins with the realisation, that we are not the only ones in the universe. We are taught to wait our turn and share. This is no easy feat When mom and dad are mad at us, we feel queasy in our stomachs. We begin to think. What happens to us, if mom and dad stop loving us? If they get angry with us, they might go away, and where would we be then? Most young children acquiesce and do as their parents instructed. Children don’t outwardly say what they are feeling, but they experience a love hate relationship with their parents. They trust them and run to them but also push them away in anger. They are striving for independence, yet still rely on their parents for survival. When a new baby arrives, a tremendous anxiety takes root in the soul of its sibling. Now the child must contend with a rival. The young child views the parents gushing about the new arrival. He or she must now wait for the parents’ attention. Mom and dad have less patience, and time, since the baby arrived. At one time the parents would have laughed when he or she spilled the cereal. The child is not cute when they spill their cereal now. Nobody told the child the rules would change with the new arrival. There is a new playing field. The fear of losing mom and dad’s love turns into jealousy with the baby. The child’s attention focuses on the baby. Jealousy evolves into frustration and anger. The resulting build-up of anger, and doubts about his parents’ love, causes the young child to retaliate with physical force against the new intruder or sibling. Now if parents do not handle this properly, the anger and retribution will continue in an infinite cycle.

August 31, 2015

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