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The Five Crucial Commitments of Great Fathers

Becoming a dad is one of the easiest things in the world to do. The part we play as men in the creation of a new life is a lot of fun and can be over quicker than Brittany Spears singing “oops I did it again”. But that’s where the easy part ends and the profound and beautiful challenge of being a father begins. Becoming a dad asks very little of you and pretty much any healthy adult male can get it right. Being a dad asks the very best of you and takes a man of character, love and perseverance to get it right. How a man lives his life and fathers his children will profoundly impact them for the rest of their lives. He is his son’s first hero and his daughter’s first romance. He is the most important man in his children’s lives. Yet most men enter fatherhood unprepared for the challenge of being the most influential man in a growing young life. Being a great father doesn’t happen by default. It happens when a man consciously and intentionally works at being the man and father his children need. And when he does the rewards are immense for both father and child. Here are five crucial commitments that will make any man an extraordinary dad: Look in the mirror. The quality of what we as men are able to impart to our children is determined by the quality of our own inner lives. None of us arrived at adulthood unscathed by our childhood. We are all driven in some measure by the emotional forces that grew out of our childhood experiences, good or bad, and the beliefs we formed in response to those experiences. The more conscious we are of these forces and beliefs, the more we are able to deal with them. The less conscious we are the more likely we are to be driven by negative emotions and beliefs and pass them on to our children. Pain from our past that is unresolved is pain we are condemned to repeat, often at the expense of our children. Great dads are committed to being conscious, to breaking any destructive emotional cycles and dealing with their own issues so they can impart the right stuff to their children. Great dads are committed to being the man they want their sons to become and daughters to marry. Call out your child’s identity. To be truly seen is one of the great cries of every heart. Great dads make it their goal to be the first man who truly sees their son or daughter, to know what makes their hearts come alive. Every child is unique and their life script is written into their hearts. The father who helps his child discover and know who they are and gives them permission to be fully who they are gives them a great gift. His message is; I see you, I know you, come out and be the man or woman you were made to be. And he can only do this by investing a lot of time engaging with his children, deeply and without distractions. Validate your child. So many people enter adulthood with a sense of inadequacy. Men doubt they have what it takes to be a man, women wonder if they have anything worthwhile to offer the world. Great fathers validate their children from a very young age. Their children know they are worthy, that their life counts. They know they have what it takes, that they have something great to offer the world. This comes from affirming not just what their children do but who they are. The message is; you matter, you are wanted, you are deeply loved, I delight in you. And the message is conveyed in a thousand different ways. It is in a dad’s words of affirmation, his gentle touch, his look, his smile, his time. This blessing from a father will remain as a cloak of affirmation wrapped around a man or woman’s heart long after their father has passed on. Create a sanctuary. The fourth commitment of great dads is to create a sanctuary in which their children can grow and thrive; physically, emotionally and spiritually. Renowned educator Reed Markham summed it up when he said, “every man is the architect of his own home”. Sigmund Freud said, “I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection”. The children of great dads feel safe. They know masculinity as a place of refuge, safety and consistency. They see their fathers as strong, gentle and present. Providing the right physical and emotional environment requires a man to nurture, protect and provide. Even when not living in the same house as their children through separation or divorce great fathers continue providing to the best of their ability, continue to protect and never stop being present. Equip your children for life. This starts with imparting the life skills and emotional intelligence they will need to succeed. George Herbert claimed, “one father is more than a hundred schoolmasters”. Great dads do not leave the education of their children in the ways of the world to the media and their peers, they become the principal in their children’s school of life. Equipping your children for life means disciplining them. The philosopher Goethe said “too many parents make life hard for their children by trying, too zealously, to make it easy for them”. Great dads set clear, fair and consistent boundaries for their children. They teach their children discipline and respect. They know that being a friend to their children comes a distant second to being a father and so they are concerned less with being popular with their children than doing what’s right for them. The final act of equipping children for life is to model the way. Great dads make their lives an attractive example of all they want their children to learn. They know

June 8, 2016

How to mess up your family in 12 easy steps

Say no, and make rules, but then give in because the whining is just not worth the effort of sticking to your guns. Teaching them you are the authority in your home and make decisions in their best interests is not important. Teach them that rules are made to be broken, and respect for your word is of no consequence. Being consistent is one of the key controls of authority in a family. When you do as you say you will, children learn to listen and respect what you say. They learn to trust you, and trust that they can depend on your word. Put your children before your marriage. Allow them to interrupt your conversations and disregard your spouse, so that your spouse builds resentment towards you, and often towards the kids, resulting in them being impatient with the whole family. And of course more susceptible to the attentive colleague at work who has all the time and interest in the world for them. Your children will wait while you make time for your marriage, but your marriage won’t wait while you make your children the priority. Give your kids everything they want, when they want it. Especially if they throw a massive tantrum to get it. Then you should teach them that tantrums work and reinforce their use of them. Giving your children everything they want, when they want it, creates a sense of entitlement, a boredom with life, and absolutely no work ethic or respect for delayed gratification. Giving in to tantrums is how you ensure tantrums will persist. Teach them things are more important than relationships and values. Teach them that keeping up with the Jones’, even if it means living in debt up to your eyeballs, is what matters. Dress them in the designer clothes they want, always, so that they learn what’s on the outside is key! Especially for girls – teach them that appearance is everything and beauty is only label deep. How much we consider ‘things’ as an extension of our ‘selves’, depends partly on how confident we feel about who we are. Have a buffet at home – make meals for each individual and never allow them to expand their range of tastes so that they become fussy non-eaters who are a pain to feed. Give them non-nutritious junk just so that they will at least eat something. You can train your palate to enjoy new foods. No child will allow themselves to starve – hunger is a primal instinct. If you want to encourage different foods and healthy eating, just perservere and don’t offer alternatives. Give up your own needs for theirs. Teach them to be entitled and self-centred. Teach them to ignore your desires and needs. Jump when they say jump – or bring forgotten tennis racquets and sports kit to school when they forget. A child who always forgets has a parent who always remembers. Your love may know no boundaries, but you must. Do things for them all the time. Finish their projects, pack their bags, tie their shoelaces, make their lunches. Teach them to be useless and dependent and incapable. That way you will ensure you are always doing things for them, forever, and can feel good that you are always needed. And then you can be the overbearing in-law when they are married too. What you overprotect, you make weak. Keep them as busy as you can, 24/7, because being overstimulated and having no down time to just be children is wholesome. Make sure they never have to learn that sometimes it’s ok not to be in the A team, or make the provincial side, or to make sacrifices in some areas for other reasons. Live vicariously through them and be sure that they will get it right, and they will be on the A teams, and they will be the prefects… even if you didn’t. Give them time to process, to rest, and to just be. Don’t rob them of the time to imagine and create. It’s good for their souls. It’s essential for their brains. When they fight with other kids, don’t say anything. Teach them to be bold and get their own way, no matter what! That’s the only way to get ahead in this world… right? Teach that compassion and understanding, and the art of negotiation and win-win is less important. There have to be ‘the little people’ so that someone can get trod on once in a while – serves them right for not learning to stand up for themselves, right? Children are essentially selfish beings. Teaching them to put themselves in other people’s shoes is an invaluable lesson in consideration and compassion. Learning to negotiate in a win-win scenario is a life skill everyone needs. Stand up for your children – always. Even if they are wrong. Even when a teacher is trying to teach them a life lesson. Back your child blindly so that they learn that no matter what they do, you will rush in on your white horse and save them. Even if they never learn accountability or responsibility, at least they will develop a self-righteous attitude and arrogant pride. The principles of living greatly include the capability to face trouble with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness, and trial with humility (Monson). Always pay them to do their chores. Teach them to put their hand out for everything and develop an attitude of ‘what’s in it for me?’ Teach them that even though they are part of your family, they should be treated as special, and not have to contribute simply because they are a part of the family. A sense of entitlement will eventually guarantee you a seat at the victim’s table. Buy at least two of everything for them – two rulers, two tracksuits, two scissors, two lunch boxes – just in case they lose one, so that they never learn to be responsible for their things or care about their stuff. And

June 1, 2016

Autism and the Senses – A Parent’s Guide

All around the world famous landmarks have been lit up with blue lights – a great way for the world to notice that autism is real, it impacts more people than we can imagine and there is still so much to learn about the condition. Ask any parent, adult, sibling or adolescent living with autism, about what aspect they find most difficult and they will mostly confirm that dealing with the sensory elements of autism is or was their biggest hurdle. At every moment in our 24-hour day, our senses are inundated with new and old sensory input, which gets filtered appropriately in order for one to function effectively. Many autistic children have great difficulty with processing sensory input from the environment, and added to that they have great difficulty communicating what they don’t like about the sensory input. Autistic children are typically sensory sensitive with either low or fluctuating thresholds, meaning that they are hugely affected, (often negatively), by sensory input from their environments. It is just too loud, too bright, too tight or too fast for them. They experience sensory overload on a constant basis and they really battle to cope with this. This video by the Interacting with Autism Project is a fantastic illustration of what somebody with autism must be experiencing when confronted with sensory overload. Their withdrawal patterns and poor social skills are not necessarily caused by sensory overload, but augmented by their sensory issues. Children on the Autism spectrum need consistency, routine and structure. Unpredictable and sensory overloaded environments (like shops and shopping malls) are very difficult for them to cope with, which typically will cause them to throw tantrums, get aggressive and/or withdraw from such environments. Sensory meltdowns occur when there is some form of discordance that happens in one or more of the sensory systems (touch, taste, sound, sight, smell, movement). Low blood sugar levels are also of relevance, as lowered blood sugar levels heighten all the senses. Remove the child from the distressing environment and take him to a safer and calmer place. Parents should be aware of meltdowns, it happens so quickly and without warning – but try not to over protect them or to shield them from stressful environments. Learn to anticipate which sensory system overloads the quickest and be prepared. Exposure to new and uncomfortable environments needs to be done in a gentle and calculated way (when the child is calm and regulated) as it helps them learn to anticipate, to adapt to and to manage these environments. A portable sensory toolkit can be taken with you whenever you are away from home and can include the following items: Sunglasses (to decrease the effect of bright light). A baseball cap or wide brimmed hat (for decreased visual stimulation). An ice cold water bottle with a sport cap for sucking water or an ice cold juice with a straw. A chewy snack, like biltong, dried fruit, chewing gum. Soundproof headphones for very loud environments. A change of clothing (long-sleeved t-shirt to avoid unwanted touch). Deep bear hugs – for a calming effect. Deep breathing – the universal calmer. One’s senses are thus a vital key to coping with autism – it is the window to their souls and interactions. Understand it, use it wisely and learn to look at people and environments form a sensory point of view.

May 30, 2016

The 6 key significant relationships in our lifetime

Our whole life revolves around relationships. In fact we were born to be in relationships and to have a connection with others – we are social animals by nature, we need to be social to survive and society determines our human personality. We start off our life in a relationship i.e. our parents are in a relationship and we are conceived in a relationship. We then have a relationship with mom whilst in the womb and through the umbilical cord. Not only do we get important nutrients and other such elements for our development, but we also start to feel emotion in the womb – especially pain. We are then born into a relationship, firstly with our parents and then with our siblings if we are not the firstborn (ie our immediate family) as well as extended family (ie grandparents, cousins etc). As we grow and evolve through life, our friendships throughout school and university play a significant relationship role in our life. When we move into the working world, we have relationships with our colleagues and peers as well as our customers and suppliers, both internally across departments and externally. Lastly, our spiritual relationship is what feeds our soul and keeps us grounded – for some this may be religion, for others it may be activities such as meditation, sport, hobbies, getting away to the bush or the sea or just some quiet “me” time. Relationships drift and wane as individuals pursue their own interests and goals in life. Either the connection remains or it reaches the point at which it is no longer strong enough to sustain the relationship and it is time to move on. This can happen in a number of ways. Friendships end and people move, leave relationships and/or get divorced. Customers stop using your products/services or suppliers stop delivering or their contracts are not renewed. The 6 key relationships throughout our lifetime therefore are: Self Partner Family Friends Peers/Colleagues Spiritual The relationship with “Self” is the most important of all. This forms the foundation of our relationships with others. How we think about ourselves, how we talk to ourselves (i.e. self talk) and how we treat ourselves will be an exact reflection of how we allow others to treat us. If we don’t think highly of ourselves (i.e. self-worth, self-value, self-confidence, self-love), we will allow others to treat us this way too. We will not be able to implement personal boundaries, stand up for ourselves or believe in ourselves and our abilities. Our relationship with “Self” is influenced by our upbringing and the environment we are exposed to in our childhood. This is where we form the foundation of our emotional intelligence and relational abilities. It’s where we learn to communicate, express emotion, listen, manage conflict, be vulnerable and more. This will ultimately influence your relationships with others and determine your emotional coping mechanisms. In any situation there is one common denominator and that is You. Situations don’t just happen to us. We co-create them by what we are bringing into the space. If you are experiencing conflict and drama in your relationships, perhaps it’s time to look at what you are bringing into the relational space and how this is serving you…..

May 27, 2016

Open a book, open up your world

A book is a dream you can hold in your hand. Last year the UNESCO Institute for Statistics stated that global literacy rates were rising but despite the gains, 774 million adults (15 years and older) still cannot read and write and two-thirds of them are women. Among the youth, 123 million are illiterate. The South African Government is on a drive to improve literacy but the reality is we live in a country where the culture of reading isn’t every strong. Only 5% of parents read to their children and around 14% of the population are active readers. A large percentage of our schools don’t have libraries and our Grade 5 learners literacy levels are on a par with Grade 3 learners worldwide. Reading and literacy go hand-in-glove and if we are to get South Africans literate we need to get them reading – and to develop the love of reading from an early age. ‘Reading not only helps build your vocabulary but develops your mind, your imagination, the way you look at, and participate in the world and goes a long way to determining your future,’ says Gary Hirson, author, photographer, speaker and youth life coach. Hirson believes that reading enriches lives and his focus as an author and life coach is to help children, tweenies, teenagers and students develop a love of reading, use their imaginations to dream, set goals and achieve success. ‘The gift of our imagination is the place where all journeys begin.’ His three books – all available in English with the first translated into Afrikaans, isiXhosa and isiZulu – are aimed at different age groups and include interactive elements to make reading fun. Each story follows the adventures of siblings, Joel and Jina, and takes the reader on a journey using their imagination, while promoting self belief, goal setting and problem solving. ‘Reading is crucial to self-development,’ says Hirson. “As we read we visualise the words, the characters, the scenes. We learn new things, ideas, concepts and places, we expand our mind and are transported to new worlds. We get to understand the world a little better.’ In his quest to get youngsters loving the written word, Hirson is encouraging parents to read to their children. ‘Words, both spoken and written, are the building blocks of life,’ he says. Here are five reasons to get your child reading. #1: It expands the mind. Teaching youngsters to read helps develop their language skills and vocabulary, improves concentration and exercises their brains. The more we read the better we get at it. #2: We discover new things and learn about the world around us. #3: It entertains us and develops our imagination. With reading you can go anywhere in the world and be part of the adventure. The possibilities are endless. #4: In a busy, cluttered world, reading relaxes the body and calms the mind. #5: It’s good for our self image. By having a good vocabulary and learning more about the world through books you feel more confident and have better self-belief. ‘For me reading, imagination and learning are the basics of all education,’ says Hirson who, through the publishing of his books, now conducts workshops and talks about the power of the written word through his company Calm In Storm.

May 26, 2016

Large families are a lot more common than you think

Large families are a lot more common that you think today. With many people getting divorced it is very common for blended families to end up with 4 or even more children. People still react with shock when they hear people say “oh I have four kids” and generally follow it with, “How do you cope.” Large families generally aren’t as chaotic as they are assumed to be because they have no choice but to be organised and there are many hands to help. You will be hard pressed to find a child who grew up in a large family who didn’t enjoy it. There are many advantages of being one of many. You are never alone. There is always someone around, maybe not to play with but to just keep you company. If you want to do something there is always someone there to do it with you. You learn the value of sharing and compromise early on. With this comes amazing negotiating skills, there is nothing like a negotiation between two toddlers trying to get the toy they want. It may not be an advantage in the moment but learning that you are not the only person in the world is a lesson that will hold a child in good stead. Learning you can’t always get what you want and that you need to, sometimes, compromise is a big part of life. There is always someone to help you. Parents have their hands full with many children, they simply can’t always be there to make peanut butter bread or fix a broken Lego house, but an older sibling can. There are also a lot of resources to call on when you need to do a project or build a model or draw something you really just can’t. You always have a support team. Whether you are a dancer, a swimmer or soccer player, you will never be without a team of supporters cheering you on. There will also always be someone reminding you got this, when you don’t feel like you do. There is always laughter and children learn how to laugh at themselves. Children laugh at each other it is part of who they are, as long as it still done in a kind way, children learn to not take themselves too seriously. Mistakes happen, you say the wrong the wrong thing and that’s ok. This is a really good lesson for children to learn to shake things off, find the humour and move on. Children who grow up with many siblings learn the value of team work, they learn that everyone has a part to play and if they don’t do their part, the bigger machine won’t work. This is valuable lesson for life, we all are a small part of a bigger picture and if we do not do our part, it has consequences far beyond us. When you grow up in a large family you learn the power of family and just how strong sibling love can be. Siblings may not always like each other, they may not always want to be around each other but when something happens, good or bad, they are the ones you turn to first, they are the ones you rally around you. Having a large family is not for everyone but when you find yourself kid no 3 out of 6, there are many advantages and many opportunities to create lasting memories and be part of an incredible tribe.

May 20, 2016

3 Things Children Learn At Holiday Camp

Not everything your children learn can be found in a textbook, on a tablet or on the TV for that matter. Most of life’s greatest lessons are learned from real life experiences that cost little or nothing. Holiday camps are an ideal way to get your children away from today’s distracting technologies to learn some of these valuable life lessons. Children don’t just learn survival skills at holiday camp, but they also learn the value of qualities like courage, confidence, and character. These, in addition to learning how to surf, how to make new friends and yes, how to build a camp fire are ingredients for a well-rounded learning experience. Here are 3 things your child will learn at camp: 1. Camp builds courage At Sugar Bay Holiday Camp, we believe in constantly encouraging our campers. This encouragement very quickly grows into a quality that creates a brave child, who is open to trying new things and is courageous enough to never give up. One of the greatest tests of courage at camp is our lagoon jumping activity; where kids may jump off a bridge and into the lagoon. Campers are never forced to jump, but they are encouraged. And when they do decide to take the plunge, they feel like they can fearlessly face any challenge. 2. Camp increases self-confidence Sugar Bay counsellors are trained in child psychology, and therefore they understand that in order for courage to be used to accomplish greater milestones, our campers need to be confident. Our goal is for campers to be filled with confidence in their minds, in their abilities, and in their individual identity from day one until long after camp ends. To achieve this, our creative camp programmer knows just how to incorporate the best ice-breaking activities that build our campers’ confidence, which also gains them new friends at the same time. We also encourage campers to acquire a new skill by progressing through one of our certified activities, in which they earn various certificates for the increasingly difficult levels of that activity. Allowing children to master a new skill builds their confidence, since they know they can master anything they dedicate themselves to. 3. Camp strengthens character On the final night of camp, each of our camper’s character shines and takes centre stage during our traditional “Final Camp Fire”. Here, we reflect on the week and our campers share all their thoughts, feelings and emotions about how camp has changed their lives. In doing so, they reveal just how their character has been impacted by the friendships made, challenges faced and other camp experiences. Although campers who’ve been to Sugar Bay can undoubtedly make the best camp fires and s’mores – campers are benefited far more by disconnecting from technology and reconnecting with new friends, rediscovering new skills & talents, and redefining their identities from this one-of-a-kind personal adventure that comes with “going to camp”. If you would like more information about how our holiday camp can benefit your child, or if you have further questions about Sugar Bay please visit our website at www.sugarbay.co.za, or contact us directly on (032) 485 3778 or email [email protected] .

May 19, 2016

Active vs. Passive Listening

There’s a saying that goes “We have two ears and one mouth – so that we can listen more than we speak”. And there definitely is a difference between listening and hearing. Has there been a time when you have been speaking to someone and they’ve answered you completely out of context to what you said or just gave you a one worded answer? This is passive listening. In other words the other person is not fully present in the moment giving you their undivided attention. They may be distracted, thinking of something else, are not interested in the topic on hand, or may just plainly not have much time for you. Considering that 7% of our communication is verbal, 55% is visual (i.e. body language) and 38% is voice (tone, inflection, etc) there are a lot of cues to be looking out for when interacting with someone. Active listening is being fully present in the moment. It means being aware of where you are at in your own head (your emotional state), how you are contributing to the conversation (body language etc), and your impact on the other person (is it positive or negative) and how the other is impacting on you (your reaction). When we are fully present in a conversation, not only are we giving that person our undivided attention, we are also showing them respect and that we value them as a person and what they are sharing with us. They say that 90% of problems in relationships (personal or peer) is due to the lack of communication – either what is not being said (fear of not feeling safe to share, retaliation etc) or what is not being heard (lack of understanding, not being able to see things from the other person’s perspective). Most of the time we listen to respond instead of really hear what the other person has to say. We are so busy preparing our response that we miss vital pieces of information that are coming our way. This primarily has to do with how the brain is wired, to look for the negative. Our brain reacts more strongly to stimuli it deems negative – this stems back to our early days where it was all about survival (and still is today). One way to ensure you are fully present and tuned in to what the other person is saying is to use mirroring. Mirroring is a psychological phenomenon in which people mimic speech patterns, gestures and nonverbal behaviours of others. Research has shown that people who use mirroring effectively tend to build a good rapport with the other person and can be seen in a positive light. The more the relational space (i.e. the space between two people) is safe and open, the better the relating that will take place – in other words, the better the quality of the conversation, communication and the relationship as a whole.

May 19, 2016

Trust Your Gut

My brother and sister-in-law are about to have a baby, and it’s so exciting. Everyone is excited. I, personally, am so enjoying them discover parenthood… from the overkill of pregnancy tests to make sure it is indeed positive, to choosing a gynea, to the first scan, to their complete awe at seeing those four chambers of their baby’s heart beating so clearly on the ultrasound. It’s been so sweet reliving it through first time eyes again. Nostalgic and so special. And all I want to do is give advice. I’m a seasoned mom. I’ve been a mother for sixteen years, two months and seventeen days! I’ve done the baby thing three times for Pete’s sake! And then of course I’m a parent coach. Qualified completely, right? Who better to give advice!? But I won’t. Not unless I’m asked. Because if I learnt anything at all, in all my years of being a mom, it’s that advice comes whether you invite it or not. And for new moms, it can be the most confounding part of becoming a mother. I remember so clearly how some people would tell me to go by the baby’s schedule and demand feed. And others would absolutely swear by the dread of some future psychological damage that if you didn’t follow a strict routine you were going to end up with such problems down the line! I remember being strongly convinced by one person that co-sleeping was an evil thing to do and I would be making a rod for my own back should I dare venture down that dark road! And then hearing how well other babies and their mothers slept because they co-slept. I remember being lectured about what food to start them on when I start solids, and when exactly the best time for that was… and whether to vaccinate or not… breastfeed vs formula… learn to walk in shoes or barefoot… or potty train early or not… or smack or not… or use a walking ring or not… or start them in crèche before they were two or after three… or in summer versus winter… or government school or private… or monastic or co-ed… etc etc etc. The list goes on and on. And the opinions get stronger and stronger. And the confusion, particularly in a “newborn” parent, gets completely overwhelming until you get to the point where you just collapse in a heap, feeling totally inadequate and like you don’t have a clue about what you are doing. So I won’t give unsolicited advice. I have learnt that what works for me, may not necessarily work for others. I have learnt that people do what they need to do to survive. I have learnt that if someone needs advice or wants your opinion, they will ask me for it and I will gladly give them my 2c worth. But I have also learnt that maybe they just need to discuss, or have you simply be their sounding board and ultimately make up their own minds anyway. But there is one thing I will say – perhaps the only advice I will give, and it’s the best advice I was ever given as a mom of a new baby. It was given to me when my second son was born, by a dear nurse in the hospital to whom I will forever be grateful for the peace her advice gave me. This is the advice I would like to give to all parents, especially those new ones. Trust your gut. You are born with a natural instinct (maternal or paternal) that kicks in the minute you know you are about to be a parent. Trust that. Hold on to that. And when Aunty May tells you that giving her babies sugar water was the absolute trick to them sleeping through, or when Granny Phyllis tells you that the magic recipe that is unequivocally the answer to winds to never eat chocolate, or when your best friend (who doesn’t even have a baby yet!) tells you that you must never bounce a baby because it will cause him to be bowlegged, or when Grampa George tells you that you must never tickle a baby because it will make her a nervous child, this is what you do. You smile graciously and convincingly say these magical words, “Thank you! I will try that!” Do you try that? Well that is entirely up to you. Your baby, your life, your rules. But what will happen, is that granny Phyllis will go on her merry way thinking she has helped you and that you are a good parent because you follow her wisdom, and Aunty May feels great because she has helped you too with your big issue, and Grampa George will feel he has saved your child from being a nervous wreck. If, however, you utter a seemingly uncertain, “Are you sure that is a good idea?” to their well-meaning advice, you will find yourself faced with the determined convincing of mothers before you who swear by their tried and trusted own methods. And all this will do, is leave you not only frustrated, but unsure and filled with self-doubt. Trust me on this. You know your baby better than anyone. You spend more time with your baby than anyone else. And you have maternal/paternal instinct that you need to learn to trust. So that is my advice. Trust your gut. You’ve got this. And for the record, the god’s honest truth is that most of us are winging it, and just as surprised as the next person when something actually works. Truthfully, we all live by trial and error in this minefield that is parenting, trusting our own guts. Every. Single. Day.

May 13, 2016

Teen stress a strong risk factor for headaches

Stress has a dire impact on the quality of modern life, and this is sometimes amplified in a teenager’s life. Often pressures from school, home, friends, and physical changes during this highly self-aware period can lead to anxiety and the latest research also suggests it can even have an impact on the frequency of headaches teenagers get. A recent study, published in Paediatric Neurology, aimed to describe the relationship between risk factors, such as stress, depression and anxiety, and potentially protective factors against paediatric headache-related disability. It found that stress is “the strongest risk factor for headache-related disability”. The study was a cross-sectional survey among adolescents seen in an academic neurology clinic, who were reporting four or more headaches monthly. Among the 29 participants, the average age was 14.8 years with a ratio of 31% male and 69% female. The average headache frequency was 11.6 per month and the most commonly reported trigger was stress (86% of the participants reported stress). Headache disability was assessed using the six-item Headache Impact Test (HIT-6) (which is a validated assessment of the functional impact of headaches for both migraine and TTH in adults and has been used in adolescent as well as adult headache populations). Reducing headaches, reducing depression “Depression is a well-known predictor of moderate to severe headache-related disability among adolescents,” says Dr. Elliot Shevel, South Africa’s migraine surgery pioneer and the medical director of The Headache Clinic, “but contrary to the belief of many doctors, depression does not cause headaches, it is in fact the other way around. A headache attack alters the sufferer’s mood due to the pain, and constant pain is one of the most important causes of depression. Therefore chronic headache and migraine pain is often a major contributor to chronic depression.” “Another study has shown that adolescents who missed more school due to headache had higher depression scores and lower academic performance than students who missed less school.” According to Shevel the most effective way to reduce the depression linked to headaches is to find the cause of the pain and treat that. “If you get rid of the pain, the depression in most cases will become less or go away.” He adds that it is important to differentiate between stress and depression. In this case stress can result in headaches, which then in turn can result in depression. “Stress is one of the biggest triggers for headaches as stress causes muscle tension, and muscle tension is one of the primary causes of headache pain. Although its advised, its usually hard to avoid stress (which is the trigger), so at least the muscle tension (which is the underlying cause) can be safely and effectively treated.”

May 9, 2016

Reading, ‘riting and ‘rithmetic – How does your child measure up?

The three R’s of learning are reading, ‘riting and ‘rithmetic. The question for all parents is, how do their children measure up in these three crucial areas? “A child’s ability to read, write and do arithmetic (maths) sets the foundation for their academic success, and impacts their potential for future accomplishments across-the-board,” says Susan du Plessis, Director of Educational Programmes at Edublox. “Some learners cannot read but can write and others struggle to do maths but can read easily – it is crucial for a child to have all three foundational learning skills in place.” In the classroom, reading is king; it is crucial for learning and achieving throughout the school career and into university. The benefits of reading, however, stretch far beyond the classroom. “Reading will help your child learn new words and build his vocabulary, expand their general knowledge, help them to concentrate better and focus on one task. Modern kids are so bombarded with sound, light and movement from electronic gadgets, that reading is actually relaxing for the brain,” says du Plessis. Similar to reading, putting pen to paper and writing in our instant and technological age of emails, texts and tweets stimulates the brain*. “Writing fires up the brain as children not only learn to read more quickly when they first learn to write by hand, but they also remain better able to formulate ideas and recall information,” explains du Plessis. The final and equally important aspect of laying a strong foundation for a child’s academic performance is ensuring sound mathematical understanding and thinking. “People are easily misled to believe that mathematics is not a prerequisite for a successful career, however, whether in science, business, or even in our day-to-day living, we cannot escape the use of numbers,” explains du Plessis. A child’s ability to do read, write and do maths depends on a number of cognitive skills such as attention span, visual and auditory perception, sequential and working memory and logical thinking. “Make sure that these skills have been well developed,” urges du Plessis, and shares easy tips for parents looking to help their child excel in the three R’s of learning: Reading Parents of young children should read to them as often as possible. “Teaching your child nursery rhymes is a great way to stimulate the brain and improve memory,” says du Plessis. “Research has shown that knowledge of nursery rhymes among three-year-olds is a significant predictor of pre-reading skills later on, even after the child’s IQ and their mothers’ educational levels are factored out,” says du Plessis. If your child is having trouble learning to read, the best approach is to take immediate action. Ninety-five percent of poor readers can be brought up to grade level if they receive effective help early on. The longer you wait to get help for your child who has reading difficulties, the harder it will be for them to catch up later on. Do not rely on computer programs to address your child’s reading problems. “Research has proven that computer reading programs cannot solve reading difficulties,” says du Plessis. When your child is a good reader, however, technology can be used to broaden their horizons and teach them to speed read. Writing Have some fun and crumple papers with your child! This will help improve their fine motor skills, making writing easier and their handwriting neater. Use A4 size scrap paper – give your child one sheet of paper in each hand. They must then simultaneously crumple both papers into tight balls. It is important that each hand strictly does its own work. Ensure that your child sits with their hands wide apart, so that one hand cannot offer any help to the other. As part of the game, they are not allowed to press their hands against their body or on any other object, like a table. Make sure they crumple at least three sheets of paper per hand, per day. Other exercises that will help to improve hand strength, which ultimately leads to better handwriting, is to throw and catch beanbags and to squeeze stress balls. Arithmetic (Maths) Make sure that your child can count fluently, forwards as well as backwards. Thereafter, skip counting should be introduced. Skip counting – counting odd or even numbers only – is important in the development of fluency in calculation, number sense and as the basis of multiplication and division. There is much in maths that one simply has to know and therefore has to learn, for example many terms, definitions, symbols, theorems and axioms. Make sure that your child knows the words for different shapes, for example. If they do not know what a sphere is, they will have to guess when confronted by twelve different objects in a test situation. “It is crucial that parents understand that the sooner their children receive the necessary guidance and tools enabling them to successfully read, write and do maths, the sooner they will able to learn more effectively and efficiently,” concludes du Plessis. *Asherson, S. B. 2013. The Benefits of Cursive Go Beyond Writing [Online] Available from: http://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2013/04/30/should-schools-require-children-to-learn-cursive/ the -benefits-of-cursive-go-beyond-writing

May 5, 2016

Raising a teenager is a strange beast

Raising a teenager is strange beast. It’s not like watching your sweet baby morph into a tantrum throwing toddler or your toddler transform into a reading and writing little boy. It’s like watching the transformation of Hulk in 3D in your home. You know it’s going to happen, you can see it happen but when that big green monster is standing there you are completely unsure of what the heck just happened. Your sweet child transform physically, they grow, a lot and often if you have a boy, you suddenly find yourself looking up at them. There cute little toddler voices are replaced with gruff, deep guttural sounds. They smell a little funky, they look at you like really have no business being alive. It takes a fair amount of adjusting but you don’t really have that kind of time because it happens overnight, no really it does!!! Communication is one of the biggest things teen moms struggle with because there is often is none! There are times though you do need to find out what’s going on, here’s a few ways to make it easier for you both. Ask the right questions. If you are how their day was, you will probably get “fine” so rather ask “Any rugby matches this week” or “Anything I need to sign”. You may still get a yes/no but at least you are gathering information. Don’t push. If you insist on them telling you how their day was or what’s going they will probably shut down more, ask and let them know you will be there to listen when they are ready. Listen when they don’t know you are listening. If they are with friends, don’t eaves drop but if they are sitting where you are, listen to what they are talking about, find something that you can talk to them about later – like a movie they are into or a singer or even a style of clothing. Accept where they are. Just because your teenager doesn’t want to sit and shoot the breeze with you doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It just means they are muddling their way through their life at the moment. They are figuring out who they are and how they fit into the world. Give them the space to do that! But remember to never stop communicating. Even if it is hard and they reply in grunts and one words, never stop talking to them. Your teenager needs to know you are always there for them, even when they don’t want you to be. So keep asking, keep talking, keep reminding them that you are there. Like with potty training, teething and sleepless nights, this is just a phase. Your teen will grow up, they will start talking to you again. If one thing in parenting is constant it is that everything changes all the time.

May 5, 2016

Swimming – An all year activity with excellent health benefits

I have been teaching swimming for 10 years with about half of them being in the UK and the last 5 years here in Cape Town. I am always surprised by South- Africans’ attitudes to swimming in terms of its role as an all year sport and activity. We are extremely blessed by the amazing weather in our country. A common misconception is that we should only swim when the sun is shining; this is only true for outdoor pools. The effective heating and covering of swimming pools allow this excellent sport to be enjoyed all year round in comfort. For those of you who remain sceptical, I have put together some of the great advantages of swimming all year. Do remember though, as long as your baby, your children and you are dressed warmly on the way to and from lessons in a heated indoor facility of course, there should be no reason to stop your swimming lessons. Swimming is a fun way to encourage your child to do physical exercise With the colder winter months approaching we all have the tendency to become less active. The rainy weather does stop most of us from spending prolonged periods outside, riding our bikes or going for a walk. Going swimming in an indoor, heated environment provides the perfect shelter from the outside elements. Taking your child to a 30 minute swimming lesson, once or twice per week is no doubt a fun and energetic activity that they love. Swimming is a great form of exercise, because it offers the swimmers a full body workout with very low impact on their joints – “To be swim fit is the best fit!” Swimming develops the whole child Not only is swimming a great way to get physically fit, swimming has also been proven to encourage intellectual and emotional development. According to a scientific study at the German Sports College, Cologne (1979) children that swim all year round fared better academically, particularly in problem solving skills. The good news however doesn’t end there. A four year Early Years swimming Research project (with 45 swim schools in Australia, New Zealand and the USA) found that children younger than 5 who had swimming lessons were more advanced in their cognitive and physical development. The researchers in Melbourne went on to find that the children in this study also had higher IQ’s. Still not convinced? According to Art Kramer (2009) at the University of Illinois and Pittsburgh, exercise helps a persons’ memory, which in turn leads to greater learning potential. In their study they found that people who were fit had a larger hippocampus than those less fit. Swimming enhances brain development in babies and people with special needs. The benefits of swimming for babies and children with special needs are vast. I will cover these in another article, but I thought it would be important to touch on just one of these benefits here. According to a study conducted at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology by Dr Hermundur Sigmundson (2010) it was concluded that even the youngest swimmers were better at balancing and grasping. Working with children with cerebral palsy, downs syndrome and autism, I have also witnessed a vast improvement in these skills after just a relatively short time in the pool. One of the reasons for this is because being in water exposes babies and children with special needs to tactile stimulation of the nerve pathways. Water has over 600 times the resistance of air, so just moving through water is already stimulating. Dr Ruth Rice (1979) found in her research that children learn significantly through touch and the texture of different objects – also known as tactile sensory development. It was proven that this stimulation leads to “significant gains in neurological and mental development.” Swimmers have better social skills It is hardly surprising, having read the previous studies, that swimming will enhance your social skills. Looking at the same study by the German sport college, Cologne, swimmers displayed more self-discipline and have better self-esteem which made them more comfortable in social situations. It was also found by Dr Liselott Diem (1980) that children who had taken swimming lessons from 2 months to 4 years old could adapt to new social situations more easily, because they had more confidence in social settings. Swimming help teach children to take turns, listen, share and cooperate. All necessary skills in social environments. Swimming improves your immune system Contrary to the erroneous belief that your child will be more ill in the winter months if they keep on swimming, swimming will in actual fact improve your child’s immune system. Every time your little one goes under the water it triggers a reflex called the diving response. This is when the body – “starved of oxygen” pumps oxygen rich blood to the vital organs, namely the heart, lungs and brain. This means the vital organs get stronger which helps us cope better with common illnesses. It was actually proven in a study that swimmers have vital organs 20 years younger than their actual age. Swimming reduces your child’s risk of drowning This is the most important reasons for taking your child to swimming lessons, but I sometimes think we get so hung-up on this fact, we miss some of the other great benefits as listed earlier. Swimming is a life-skill and all children should be able to swim. No questions asked. No baby is born not liking water, so when your little one cries for the first few lessons, there is usually another reason for this. A good swimming teacher will look for a way to make your little one feel comfortable and look forward to coming to lessons. Gone are the days of the “Just throw them in!” attitude, as this can do more harm than good. Conclusion: Swimming is a fun and potentially lifesaving activity, with a wide range of health and social benefits. Don’t dismiss this sport and activity because of our

May 2, 2016

When You Need to Pick Yourself Up

Sometimes life doesn’t go according to plan. You have this idea about something that you want to do or achieve, and you put all your focus, effort and energy into it, and then, boom! – it backfires, leaving you with waves of thoughts of ‘what if’s’ and an aftermath of emotions to deal with. This has happened to me a few times. My plan didn’t go according to plan, which left me with a “now what?” situation. I did not think things wouldn’t go according to plan. In fact, I thought it was a done deal I was that confident about the situation. So what does one do when faced with this scenario? Well, you stop looking back. You stop over analyzing. You stop asking yourself ‘what if’? You pick yourself up, you forgive yourself and you focus on moving forward. The greatest growth comes from the insights you get from these experiences. How you apply this new found knowledge is what moves your forward instead of keeping you stuck in the past. Quick exercise When you find yourself in a situation like this, ask yourself these questions: How badly did I want this goal in the first place? Did I do the best I could in this situation? Was there anything I could have done differently? Would the outcome have been different if I took this action? What will achieving this goal do for me? How will it make me feel? Is it worth the sacrifices I need to make to get it? What do I need to do to achieve this goal going forward? Reflection time Failure is not final – it’s feedback. It’s a second chance to start over and to do things differently. It gives us wisdom and experience. It gives us insight and knowledge. It gives us the ability to dig deep within ourselves and to tap into our inner knowing and being. It guides us to look at a situation from a different perspective. Knowing the answers to these questions assists us to make better decisions and to discern whether these goals are in line with our divine truth.

April 26, 2016

The Relation between stress and Headache/Migraine

We all lead busy lives. Between going to work and picking up the children from school, it’s no wonder our stress levels are on the rise. But can the stress in your life actually cause you to have more headaches and migraines? According to a recent study there is enough evidence to show there is an association between stress intensity and headache frequency. The study, that was published in Cephalalgia, the official journal of the International Headache Society, was conducted on a population-based sample of 5159 participants between the ages of 21 and 71 years. They were asked quarterly between March 2010 and April 2012 about the presence of headaches and stress in their lives. The association between stress intensity – measured on a modified visual analog scale (VAS) from 0 to 100 – and headache frequency (days/month) were determined and adjusted for sex, age, frequent intake of acute pain drugs, drinking, smoking, BMI and education. Log-linear regression in the framework of generalized estimating equations was used to estimate regression coefficients presented as percent changes were used to determine this. Dr. Elliot Shevel, a South Africa’s migraine surgery pioneer and the medical director of The Headache Clinic, says the study clearly shows a link between increased stress and the frequency of headaches. “Tension-type headaches (TTH) was reported in 31% participants, migraine in 14%, migraine with coexisting TTH (MigTTH) in 10.6%, 23.6% were unclassifiable, and 20.8% had no headache”. “In participants with TTH an increase of 10 points on VAS was associated with an increase of headaches days/month of 6.0%”. Higher effects were also observed in younger age groups and slightly lower effects were observed for migraine and MigTTH. When do I consult with a medical professional about my migraines? “People should not leave a migraine untreated,” says Shevel. “It is imperative that you undergo a multidisciplinary investigation to diagnose the specific factors behind the recurring headache. Yours might be stress-related, but it is important to undergo a thorough examination.”

April 21, 2016

Why It Pays To take Grade 11 As Seriously As Matric

Throughout one’s school career Grade 12 – Matric – is viewed as the ultimate year, the year in which you have to account for what you learned in the decade before, and the year whose results will follow you for the rest of your life. But what learners and parents don’t realise, is that Grade 11 can arguably be considered as important, if not more so, than one’s final year, an education expert says. “There are at least five reasons why Grade 11 learners should take this year very seriously, and put as much effort into it as they will next year,” says Dr Felicity Coughlan, Director of The Independent Institute of Education, SA’s largest and most accredited private higher education provider. She says the penultimate school year is a significant one because it provides: 1) INSURANCE “The effort you put into Grade 11 can be considered as insurance should something go awry in the future,” says Dr Coughlan. “There are an increasing number of institutions that make provisional offers based on your Grade 11 results, and many will still admit you even if your Grade 12 is a little less strong. But if your results in Grade 11 are weak, you have nothing to fall back on.” 2) EXAM FOCUS Teachers set Grade 11 exams to mimic the format and complexity of grade 12, says Dr Coughlan. “That means that taking your Grade 11 exams seriously will help you understand how you are doing and how ready you will be for your final exams. It helps you to work out where you need to apply more focus. “This year’s exams provide a measure of where you are, and should be treated as part of your preparation for your finals.” 3) OPPORTUNITY TO EXPERIMENT Dr Coughlan says that Grade 11 allows some time for experimenting before crunch-time arrives. “Learn new study methods and stress management methods, and experiment with things you have not done before, like study groups and mind maps. Finding a variety of study techniques and approaches that work for you will allow you to enter Grade 12 with a revision system that will make you perform at your best.” 4) OPPORTUNITY TO TEST TIMING If you keep good track of how long it takes you to master different kinds of work, that will allow you to draw up an accurate study plan next year. “Knowing your pace of work means you will be able to revise with enough time allocated right from the start, so that you don’t run out of days before you run out of work to revise.” 5) A CHANCE TO CAREFULLY EVALUATE POST-MATRIC OPTIONS Assessing their Grade 11 results and performance empower learners to make better decisions about their post-school direction, including about which options are available to them, what courses to apply for and where. “Learners should start working out their ‘points’ for higher education entrance from Grade 10,” says Dr Coughlan. “This means they should thoroughly research the courses they want to study and the results they need for their application to be accepted. In Grade 11, learners are then able to monitor how realistic their aspirations are and where they need to do more work, which will reduce uncertainty when applying.” Matric does not start in your last year of school, Dr Coughlan says. “Matric is not a year-long event, but rather a two-year long project. If you start applying your mind to your final exams right now and take the long view coupled with a strategy, you will be able to deliver your absolute best when you sit for your finals in a year and a half’s time, and significantly improve your chances of being able to follow your dream post-Matric.” Notes: The Independent Institute of Education (IIE) is the largest, most accredited registered private higher education institute in South Africa. It has a history in education and training since 1909, and its brands – Rosebank College, Varsity College, Design School Southern Africa (DSSA) and Vega – are widely recognised and respected for producing workplace-ready graduates, many of whom become industry-leaders in their chosen fields. The IIE offers a wide range of qualifications, from post-graduate degrees to short courses, on 20 registered higher education campuses across South Africa.

April 21, 2016

Why I Decided To Homeschool

This was not the easiest decision I’ve ever had to make. I love my work. I love my kids. Not necessarily in that order. Making the decision to homeschool is not for everyone, and although I definitely thought it was for me, I knew it would involve some major changes both to my life and the rest of my family. So why did I do it? Let me start by saying we were on our 5th school by the time I pulled my kids out of the system. I finally had to admit that I was never going to find a school that I liked because I didn’t agree with school in general. At heart I am both a rebel and a non-conformist and I find the system in general oppressive to creativity, limiting to an above average child, draining on a child’s natural energy and love of learning, and on the whole unnatural (I really don’t believe that any child was designed to sit for 5 hours or more a day). On top of that I had some particular challenges to deal with, specific to my own children. Both my kids have what is clinically termed as “tactile defensiveness” but which I prefer to call being more attuned to your environment than everyone else! It means that they find certain textures and fabrics absolutely unbearable. School uniforms were a nightmare. My daughter cried at least once a day through the whole of Grade One just because the uniform was bothering her. And for the life of me I could not think of a good reason to give her as to why she had to wear it. Along with this heightened sensitivity comes an aversion to too much noise. A classroom is not the easiest place to concentrate for any child, but for one who struggles with excess noise it is virtually impossible. And to top it off, both my girls are particularly bright (they both score 3-5 years above their age group on all developmental assessments) and extremely creative. School is simply not set-up for the gifted child (and by the way, I see all children as gifted – it just takes someone with time and love to find out what their gifts are). They were bored and frustrated at having to continually work below their abilities. We were also unfortunate enough to encounter some very uninspired teachers along the way – teachers who have no intention of going the extra mile, who are not interested in finding out what the children’s values are and communicating to them in a way that will inspire them, who have lost their own love of learning and are slowly killing it in the children in their care. We did, of course, come across some amazing teachers too, but they were sadly in the minority. My kids, particularly the eldest, hated school. In Grade One! I personally loved school until I got to the higher grades, and I couldn’t imagine going through 13 years of hating a system and feeling there was no escape. I was lucky enough to know a few people already homeschooling and was able to see the joy and love of learning that had been reinstated in these homes, and I felt inspired. I figured that there was no way that I could do a worse job than some of the teachers we’d encountered, and at least whatever I did would be done with love. Of course, I am at an advantage. For a start, both my husband and I work for ourselves so we’re both fairly flexible. I’ve also studied both Child Psychology and Education as part of my BA degree. And I’ve trained in coaching which included a lot of information on how the brain works, how we process information, and more importantly how we learn. So although I didn’t have a teaching diploma, I did feel confident that I could make it work. Not that it’s brain-science, mind you. If you relax and allow your children to guide you they’ll surprise you with how eager they are to absorb their worlds. But it still wasn’t an easy decision. I had to completely overhaul the way that I work, as did my husband. We had an incredible learning curve trying to figure out what the curriculum was and how much of it we actually needed to adhere to. We had to teach ourselves to relax with complete uncertainty and an initial lack of structure. I’ve literally spent the last few months “unschooling” myself so that I can be open to how and what my children want to learn and fitting in with them instead of them having to fit in with some predetermined system. Has it been easy? No. Has it been worth it? To see my children wake up after having had enough sleep, to not have to rush them through breakfast and force them into uncomfortable clothes, to allow them the freedom to move and eat and play and laugh and talk and be natural children, and to see them blossoming into eager learners filled with joy and curiosity… I’d say yes, it has.

April 19, 2016

Divorce Agreement… Divorce Agreement

When going through a relationship breakup, the two words, “Divorce” and “Agreement”, seldom go well together. The journey to signing the Divorce Agreement is fraught with stress and emotional uncertainty and inevitably leaves one feeling like they have lost all control over their life. In reality, the only thing you have control over, is yourself. So while you are trying to control the outcome of the divorce and your soon to be ex, you loose sight of the most important thing which needs to be managed, your emotions. As long as you are driven by hurt, sadness and anger, you will remain blinded by the fact that your impending divorce is in fact part of the solution. If you do not see it that way, the Divorce Agreement will be a Divorce “Dis” agreement, keeping you from moving forward and create a new future for yourself. In order to do so, keep track of the following: Take it a day at the time The divorce does not define who you are It takes 2 people to make a good relationship and so does it take 2 people to make a good divorce There is no resolution for your past. Your past cannot be changed. It is what it is. But today you can choose to make a better future A divorce is not about winning so loose the need to win Do not expect things from your soon to be ex, in the divorce, that did not happen in your marriage A divorce is an emotional process first and foremost So when it is time to sign your Divorce Agreement, accept that you are not letting your marriage go, but rather, you are accepting your reality as an opportunity for new beginnings and not as you thought it should have been

April 15, 2016

It’s Time To Live On Purpose

People have become more aware. We are beginning to realise that by not following the crowd like a group of Lemmings jumping off a cliff, our lives can have so much more meaning. We know instinctively that by allowing one day to follow the next, we are not living, we are only existing. In the media we read about living your purpose, your truth and a number of other catch phrases. So what does it really mean? In most instances, the writers of these articles or books are referring to finding out what you are passionate about and developing a plan to get yourself to a place where what you do for a living is in line with your passion. This is a fantastic idea and something everyone can strive for. What do you do if you haven’t “found your purpose”, if you are not quite there yet, can you still be living a purposeful life? Absolutely! But how, you may ask? Simply put, by living consciously. Living consciously means that you are present within your life at any given moment. You are not merely following routine out of habit. You definitely don’t have your head down living like any other hamster in the mill of life. Monday is no longer that dreaded day after the weekend. Every day of the week becomes fulfilling. Because you want it to be. This still doesn’t answer the question of “How” though. It’s all fine and well hearing about these concepts and wanting to strive towards living a more fulfilled life. However, our society as done a very good job of creating people who can fit into pre-prepared moulds. We have not been given the tools to live our lives. It’s time to break out! Start by taking the time to assess what your day look likes. Are you planning ahead? Do you know in advance what you need to achieve in your day? Are you simply falling into each day and hoping it works out? . And no, keeping everything in your head is not optimal. Find a mechanism that works for you to allow effective planning of your time. Whether it is an app on a smart phone or an “old fashioned” diary. On a weekly basis write down on specific days what you need to achieve. Be realistic with the time you allocate to tasks. Also remember to ensure that you allow for enough down time. Your company does not own you! Put everything into your daily schedule, from when you get up to when you go to sleep. Yes, most of your time is spent at work, however, you can choose to make it productive and interesting, or you can choose to hate it. It is all about the attitude that you choose to have. Now that you have your time sorted to get the day-to-day running smoothly, it’s time to dream. What else would you want to achieve with your life? Oh what’s that? You don’t have time to dream! Really? Have a look at your diary. What are you spending your time on? While it is good to occasionally “just veg”, this can become a habit and before you know it you are spending 20 or more hours a week watching tv. Sound familiar? Nothing is impossible to achieve, some things may simply take a little longer. Okay, a lot longer. You are probably going to have to develop different habits around what you do with your time. If you start today, you will be one step closer than yesterday. The most amazing feeling in the world is when you can look back on your day or week or month and see what you have achieved. It is even more amazing when you have actively chosen not to allow circumstances or people dictate how you view your life. Now I know that’s a big ask, because every now and then it feels as if all the wheels have come off. Don’t allow circumstance to force you in a direction not of your making. This will only mean that you are living according to someone else’s decisions and quite frankly, they are not taking your needs into account. By having written down what you want to achieve it makes it easier to focus when circumstances seem to be against you. Yes, sometimes the best laid plans don’t work out either. That’s ok. Regroup, re-access and amend your plan. Nothing is written in stone. The key to living on purpose is to take action. Without action, no idea, dream or plan will ever become reality. One small action step everyday is better than sitting back and thinking that you’ll start tomorrow or next week when circumstances are better. I know it sounds like a schlep. Yes, to make positive changes in your life does take work. With a bit of practice, conscious decisions become second nature, planning becomes easier, taking action a part of life, and pretty soon you find that you can not live your life in any other way. In a nut-shell, life becomes purposeful. Now give yourself permission to live life on purpose!

April 12, 2016

How Do you Go About Starting Your Own Business?

I see so many posts about people who are battling to find a job or wanting to start a business but do not know where to start. To be quite honest, nobody should be without work, we all have the ability to make money, as long as we are healthy and have some level of education. For some people the thought of starting their own business is quite overwhelming but actually it is not that bad if you just do it step by step. As I am a serial entrepreneur, I have jotted down a few ideas of how I would go about it and hope that this will inspire you to do the same. A post that I saw this morning inspired me to write this. As I am a serial entrepreneur, I have jotted down a few ideas of how I would go about starting a new business. I hope that this will inspire you to do the same. http://wp.me/p3x68X-1y5 WHAT BUSINESS CAN YOU START? Think about your hobbies or your passion and see if there is something you can turn into a product or service to offer others – art, sewing, knitting – you can make and sell or teach others to do what you are good at. Find opportunities out of your own needs – sometimes the best ideas come from a solution to a personal need – like me creating a diary that could manage everything that happens in my own day as well as my family’s commitments, because I was have always worked or run my own business while bringing up my 4 kids. What are you good at or what do you already know how to do e.g. bookkeeping, HR, web design, etc. If you prefer something more structured, there are a whole host of multi-level marketing opportunities out there. These are tried and tested systems, with training, products and loads of support that come as part of the package. We tend to balk at these, but they are genuine opportunities with great earning potential. Whatever you decide to do, before you put any money into it, speak to others about your idea, do some market research. There are loads of people on Facebook who are more than happy to give feedback if you ask for it. Make sure that your idea is viable and that it is something that others would want. COSTING, CASH FLOW PROJECTIONS AND START UP CAPITAL Once you have decided what it is that you want to do, you need to work out how much money you can make. For products, do your costing, mark-ups and work out how many units you would need to sell in order to make the amount of money you need to make. For a service, decide what you want to charge and how many hours you would need to work. For multi-level marketing type businesses, all that information is already available to you. Spreadsheets are a great resource. Excel is an easy program to use, it is readily available to anyone who owns a computer and the formulas are extremely helpful. Do a cash flow projection for the next 2 years i.e. how much money do you project will come in and how much will go out each month. It helps you to see how much capital you need to start your business, when you will break even and make a profit. Once you know how much you need, you will have to decide whether to take a loan from a bank or family, use a credit card or overdraft or use your savings – this is an investment into your future and most businesses will require some sort of capital outlay. Try and keep your initial investment as low as possible, start small and grow over time. SETTING UP YOUR BUSINESS The better your planning and systems to start off with, the more smoothly your business will run in the future and the less time you will spend putting out fires. Formally register your business with CIPC – depending on how big you want to grow and whether you want to sell your business one day, it is often better to keep you and your business as separate entities. Branding – this is what you are putting out there, it is your “shop front” and probably the most important thing to get right up front SARS registrations – get your SARS registrations done upfront and make sure that you stay up to date with your returns and payments Keep good track of your finances – you could either use a formal bookkeeping system or keep records on Excel. Work out your marketing strategy for the next couple of months. In this day and age of technology and social media, there are so many marketing opportunities, without having to spend a fortune. When planning any section of my business, I do mind maps. I start of by writing the main topic in the middle of the page e.g. MARKETING and then write all the different ideas around the page e.g. Facebook, Twitter, Website, Blog, Pinterest, Trades with others, People I could approach, etc. Then under each one, I write ideas. I love using different colours and shapes to do this. The reason most of us start a business from home is so that we can have more time with our families and for ourselves. So often what happens, is our business starts taking over our lives and keeping us busier than a regular job. Always remember the reason you started working for yourself and when you find that you are moving away from living that dream, relook at how you are doing things, I speak from experience on this, it has taken me years of working long long hours to realise that this is absolutely not necessary.

April 11, 2016

Stress Reduction for Parents

In an article I read recently they were citing a study in which they asked kids what they wanted most from their parents. The parents all thought the kids would say they wanted more time together, but what actually came out of the research was that the number one thing that children wanted was for their parents to be less tired and stressed. Now most parents would agree that this is a pretty tall order. Children almost spell stress and exhaustion. The minute they come along your expenses double, your time and sleep halves, you have more to think about, plan, figure out and far more problems to solve. This is not a recipe for peace, calm and abounding energy levels. So what can we do? Well, there are a few ways that you can reduce stress and even a few tips for gaining more time and energy. Here are some of my favourites: The Victory Position: Put your arms up in a V, lift your head and eyes up as if you’ve just won the 100m sprint. Studies have shown that holding this position for just 2 minutes can drop your cortisol levels by 25% (see Amy Cuddy’s talk on how your body language shapes who you are: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWZluriQUzE ). Cortisol is a stress hormone that affects both how you see yourself and how others see you. Do this daily or find a quiet spot (bathrooms work well) when you are feeling highly pressurized. Look up: Your eyes are connected to your brain and different eye positions are linked to different areas in your brain. Looking down is associated with the emotional centres of the brain and can make you feel worse. Looking up stops the brain connecting with its emotional centres and prevents you from descending into an emotional spiral. This is such a simple tool that can be used anywhere at any time. Use Parasympathetic Breathing: The way that you breathe will activate either the Sympathetic (Fight or Flight) or the Parasympathetic (Rest and Digest) nervous system. Shallow breathing in the upper chest is associated with stress. When you feel yourself getting stressed or overwhelmed and on the brink of losing it you need to double the length of your outbreath. An out breath that is double the length of an in breath forces you to take a very short deep inbreath and then have a slow release. This will kick in the parasympathetic nervous system (acetylcholine) and will calm the sympathetic (adrenaline) and help you to feel calm. Go into the Learning State: This is a mild form of hypnosis (no, you cannot be controlled by anyone else in this state – hypnosis is really a deep form of relaxation) and like the parasympathetic breathing, it tricks the body into believing that you are really relaxed and everything is ok. To do it, raise your eyes up and focus on a spot on the wall above eye level. Once the eyes get tired, expand your vision to the periphery (everything you can see to the left and right while still looking at your spot). Then bring the eyes back down to level, but keep awareness of the periphery. When we are very stressed (being chased by a lion) we have foveal vision – focusing intently on one spot (the lion). But when we are on the patio of our beach house, we expand our vision to take in the entire scenery. So when we activate our peripheral vision it tells our minds that we are on the beach not being chased by a lion and our physiology responds accordingly! This is particularly powerful when used in conjunction with the parasympathetic breathing. Cutting off the sensory overload: Sometimes we really do need time out; to be removed from the excessive stimulus of daily living. Retreat to into a darkened room, go outside for a few minutes, use earplugs / headphones with relaxing music. There are some amazing musical tracks that are specifically designed to relax the brain and it may be worth investing in these if they appeal to you. If you know you are going to have a stressful day, make sure that you have quiet time beforehand, quiet time afterwards, and some tools to use during the day to keep you sane (see above!) Get on top of your finances: There is nothing quite like financial issues to stress you out and affect your sleep. Know where you’re at. Look through all your bank statements and find out where your money is going. Know what debt you have. Then make a plan to pay it off. Cut back on non-essentials, stick to a budget, live below your means. Get the whole family on board. Get more sleep: We need an average of 6-9 hours sleep per night. Make this a priority. If you’re struggling with insomnia, try some or all of the following… Stick to a routine – go to bed at the same time every day and wake up at the same time. Even on weekends. Cut back on alcohol and coffee. Stop watching TV or working on your computer at least 1-2 hours before bed. Drink chamomile tea. Consider taking a melatonin and/or magnesium supplement at bedtime. Use the parasympathetic breathing at bedtime and any time you wake in the night. If you’re lying in bed unable to sleep, use this time to run through in your mind everything you are grateful for in your life. Prioritise and delegate: This is a sure way to deal with overwhelm… Make a list of everything you think you need to do. Divide this list into 3 categories – things you can cross off the list (some things simply don’t need to be done at all), things you can delegate (and who you’re delegating to), things you have to do yourself. For the ones you need to do, prioritise them with an A,B or C. A items need to be done immediately or there are

April 7, 2016

The Small-Scale Approach For New Dads

Preparing for the days leading up to baby’s arrival were well planned and organized. We knew what we needed, what the process was going to be and felt quite calm at the fact that we had done our homework. Speed things up a bit and here we are, in the car, driving home from the hospital at 30kms per hour. My first challenge was getting baby into the car seat and actually fastening her in correctly. (Best advice: get to know that car seat back to front beforehand – My wife did ask me to do this…several times) On a morning that was probably around a cool 25 degrees, I found myself in a pool on my own sweat, not sure whether to have the aircon on or the windows open? In the end I couldn’t decide and drove home in what felt like a moving sauna. Leaving the hospital with our new little addition is quite an overwhelming feeling. No more nurses on hand 24 hours a day, you can pretty much say, sh@% just got super real! The feeling of closing the front door once we had arrived home safely can probably be compared to winning a challenge on The Amazing Race. We were home – Now what? Tip # 1: Check the nappy – We had fed baby, burped her and pretty much checked all the boxes but baby was still not happy, after a short while we realized we had forgotten to check her nappy. Once changed, baby passed out immediately. #Winning Tip # 2: Get a heater – I can’t express how effective a simple, fan heater is. Heat the room before bath time and baby will just lie there, enjoying the warmth, never mind the sweat dripping from my forehead, as long as baby is happy…that’s all that matters right? Tip # 3: Relax – Everything is going to be just fine. We tend to be on edge most of the time in the beginning…this feeling does go away, I think! Or maybe I’ve just become accustomed to it!? Tip # 4: Accept help– Family and friends will pop over with delicious dishes of their favourite offerings. Trust me, not having to worry about dinner makes life a lot easier. They will also offer to hang your washing, do the dishes and take out the trash. Accept with open arms – they genuinely want to help. In my pursuit to get some solid advice for new dads, I chatted to Robyn Lawrenson, Deputy Editor at Your Pregnancy Magazine. Check out Robyn’s 5 tips below: Communicate. When baby arrives, mom is going to feel like a slave to him/her. The breastfeeding, changing, soothing, swaddling, rocking, cleaning and preparation never end, and this can overwhelm even the most seasoned mothers in the first few weeks. Listen to her, ask her how she feels, and do everything you can to make her journey a little easier. Go on a date. Even if it’s just a two-hour dinner, it’s important to have time away from baby (who you’ve left with a trusted person) to focus on each other. And, try not to talk about the baby while you’re out! Find your own way to bond with baby. Make bath time, Daddy time. A great way for dads to bond with baby is by taking one job and completely making it your own. This is your special time, and your special job. Plus, it gives mom time to rest / have a shower / watch a rerun of Friends. Etc. Don’t expect her to want to even think about the prospect of sex for the first 6-8 weeks. It’s not safe or recommended, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be intimate in other ways. Give her hugs every day, kiss her, write her notes, tell her you love her, and what a good job she’s doing. These little forms of affection go a long way in boosting her confidence and ensuring you stay close during the first few weeks. Speak to your employer about you paternity leave. In SA, according to labour law, fathers are only permitted three days of paternity leave. So, plan for this in advance so that you can accumulate some leave while your wife is still pregnant. This way, you can at least spend the first week together. There you have it, now go forth and be awesome!

April 7, 2016

Time is Marching on…

My son turned sixteen last week. SIXTEEN!? How the heck did that happen? I remember the day he was born. I remember everything so clearly. Most of all I remember the overwhelming feeling of responsibility that came over me as I held him so very cautiously for the very first time. I cried. I was totally overwhelmed with emotion. And now he is almost six foot… but it feels like yesterday. The good news is I haven’t broken him. I haven’t killed him or dropped him or done any of the gazillion things I feared I may do, with that overwhelming new mom fear that you have. He is alive and well and healthy. And happy. And awesome. The bad news is that overwhelming responsibility I felt that very first day has not gone away one tiny bit. I think I feel the weight of it as deeply each day as I did that first day. If not more. And some days it totally breaks my heart because as he has grown. I have had to sever apron strings, and let go a little more each day. But I want to hold him as completely as I did when he was in my belly. I want to keep him safe, in a warm place filled with love and security. But I can’t. And that scares the wits out of me. Every day he faces the world on his own. Every day he is faced with choices I have to trust him to make – and I am not talking ‘choose an apple or a cookie’ kinds of choices. I am talking about choosing good over evil. Will he choose that loose girl who is prepared to do pretty much anything with anyone for some popularity, or the conservative girl who won’t put up with that nonsense? Will he choose the fun friend who experiments with Hubbly Bubblies and shisha sticks… or the studious friend who won’t go to those parties? Will he choose to do his work and hand things in on time, or opt to rather get in trouble because the immediate gratification is more important? Will he choose whether he is going to try the beer, or Vodka and Redbull with his 18yr old team mates, or wait until his legal time? How will he choose how to speak to the girl who has the biggest crush on him that he can’t really stand to be around? Will he choose to follow the girl he adores around like a silly puppy, while she slowly chips away at his self-esteem, or will he choose to separate and hang out with his real mates? Every day he does these things. Without me. And it almost kills me. I want to be the little angel on his shoulder and protect and guide him in all situations. I even want to be the little devil at times and help him put that skanky tease in her place when she is clearly using him to make the “BAE” she really wants jealous. I want to give him the insight and adult coping skills he needs to handle those situations in ways that he won’t one day look back and cringe with regret over. Like we did. Like I did. I still want to hold him in my arms, and protect him fiercely. But I can’t. Time has marched on. And I want to throw an almighty tantrum at it and say NO! NO! NO! The weight of parenthood is possibly the heaviest thing I have ever had to bear. I worry about it every day. All day. Is he ok? Is he really happy? Is he being used and misled? Is he standing up for the underdog? Is he messing around at school? Is he going to make the team he desperately wants to? Is he really trying his best at school? Time is marching on and I cannot fight any of his battles for him anymore. It doesn’t matter that my momma bear instinct is still as strong and raw as ever, now I have to curb it and trust that he has learnt enough from me to be able to handle those things and make those choices on his own, hopefully in the right way. That is what parenting is, right? Preparing the child for the road, instead of padding that bumpy road with cottonwool. Time marches on. Pregnancy feels like it takes forever, and then suddenly they are out. Then you muddle through infancy and before you know it they are toddlers… pre-schoolers… big schoolers… Then it’s their final year of primary school and you are choosing high schools and new uniforms. Before you have even blinked your eye they are choosing subjects and suddenly you realise you have 3 more December holidays with them and they will be out the house. Slow down. Enjoy the tiny moments you have with them. Trust that how you treat them and what you tell them will sink in and ultimately those values you impart will take root and the child you are raising will become a teenager… then adult… whose choices you can trust. Time is marching on. But don’t rush it. Take time out and consciously enjoy being a parent. Their days march by so quickly, so don’t wish it away…

April 5, 2016

Paternity Leave

At the risk of being ostracised, mercilessly, I feel we need to start looking at and changing paternity leave regulations. “Three days are more than enough. It’s not like you were pregnant, gave birth or have to breastfeed.” I have heard this argument more than once over the last few weeks. It just does not hold water for me and here is why. The labour law in South Africa allows a mother the following rights: Number of Leave Days Pregnant workers are entitled to at least 4 consecutive months of maternity leave. Based on Legislation in Section 25, of the Basic Conditions of Employment Act Timing of Leave Workers may take maternity leave 1 month before their due date, or earlier or later as agreed or required for health reasons. Workers may not go back to work within 6 weeks after the birth unless their doctor or midwife say it is safe. Based on Legislation in Section 25, of the Basic Conditions of Employment Act Based on the above it would seem that the leave is given due to medical reasons. Hence the clause that a mother may not be forced to return to work within the first 6 weeks after birth, the minimum amount of time required to recover from a C-section. I want to state clearly that I agree fully with the laws pertaining to maternity leave. I have an issue with the following law however: Number of Leave Days Full time workers may take 3 days of paid family responsibility leave during each annual leave cycle (12 month periods from date of employment). Family responsibility leave expires at the end of the annual cycle. Based on Legislation in Section 27, of the Basic Conditions of Employment Act Reasons for Leave You may take family responsibility leave: When your child is born There are further conditions as to when you may take family responsibility leave, but I would like to focus on the one mentioned above. If you and your wife/partner have a child you are allowed only three days leave every 12 months. These three days must be split up between the day of the birth and then any doctor’s appointments you might have where the baby is sick. Keep in mind this does not include the three clinic appointments and 6 week check-ups that you and baby have to attend as they are regular appointments and do not fall under family responsibility. Let us look at a practical example, mine: Our little angel was born on a Thursday. We went in for induction at 06:00 a.m. and she was born at 11:18 a.m. The days leave I had to take counts as day 1 of family responsibility. Our little one had jaundice and had to stay in the hospital until the Monday before we could take her home. Family responsibility day 2. I now have 1 family responsibility day left for the rest of the year. This includes days that I might have to take my child to the doctor if she is sick. I took two weeks of my leave, that I saved by not taking leave in December, to stay home with my partner and help her with our baby. I am now in a situation where I have no leave days, and 1 family responsibility day left. Even if I took no other leave day for a year I would have a maximum of 12 days left for the year. Luckily we had a natural birth. If Jani were to have had a C-section and be unable to drive for 6 weeks, we would really have been in trouble. Big corporate companies like Facebook have identified this same issue and are now allowing up to 6 months paid paternity leave within the first year after your child is born. He decision was made to allow fathers to spend quality time with their baby, growing a healthy family unit. Unfortunately this is the exception and not the rule. The current paternity leave laws are sexist and they represent a misguided stigma that fathers do not want to spend time with their children. I believe we as parents should unite in requesting the law makers to amend these archaic laws and allow fathers to be fathers and assist in the raising of their children. As a father I want to be part of my child’s life, but without the proper laws in place to allow me to do so, I am forced to leave my partner to cope with the stress of doctors appointments, sick days, etc. on her own.

March 31, 2016

Cyberbullying – a difficult reality for parents to understand

Do you know what your child is really doing when they are using their smartphone or tablet? Most of us choose to believe that ‘everything is fine’ and your child is merely watching a movie or playing an innocent game. But, have you considered that maybe at the very moment your child is using their device, that someone may be bullying them through an online chat or social network? While the Internet is a great tool for school work and connecting with friends and family, unfortunately there is another side, which, as parents, you need to pay attention to. Cyberbullying is one of the unpleasant effects of hyper-socialisation, which the Internet as a whole – and social networks in particular – bring. For those who are not familiar with this phenomenon, cyberbullying refers to online communication with the intent to abuse or degrade – and unfortunately, this is often aimed at school going children. Modern children and teenagers are deeply immersed in the virtual communications world, sometimes even deeper than adults. They take everything that happens to them online very seriously and they live their lives based on their online world connections. In contrast to adults, youngsters often have more fragile psychological defence mechanisms or none at all. Remember how many times in your life online conversations made you feel angry, abused, or upset. Imagine what your child feels when she or he faces something similar, but this is shared with the school through daily updates on a social platform – for everyone to see or comment on! A big part of the problem today is that parents are rarely aware of cyberbullying that may be happening to their kids – as often kids don’t speak up about it. So, as a concerned parent, what can you do to protect your kids from psychological traumas of cyberbullying? Kaspersky Lab provides some advice: Firstly, be patient, it will take time. Like every serious issue in life, problems with cyberbullying can’t be solved in a couple of minutes – if this happens to your child, be aware of the fact that resolving the issue will take some time. Don’t wait or hope that your child will come to you and tell you about the problem. As the parent, we recommend you should start this conversation – to ascertain if maybe there is a problem here that needs to be addressed. Each person has a right to privacy, but this is not a reason to neglect your child’s online activity. Learn what your children do on social networks, which platforms they use and who their friends are online. For a start, look to add them to your friends list in every social network in which you both have accounts. Talk to your children about cyberbullying – explain to them they should come to you if/when they face this problem. Ensure they understand that cyberbullying is a commonly encountered problem today and that it’s okay if they experience it, if they report it to you – you can help them resolve the issue. Never use prohibition. Taking away a child’s phone or disconnecting their devices from the Internet won’t help. Actually, such prohibitions are what your child is afraid of and why they wouldn’t tell you about cyberbullying to begin with. Talk to your children about basic online security and privacy steps. Show them how to change privacy settings on social networks to prevent strangers from seeing their private data, pictures, details etc. To protect your child as efficiently as possible, you can also look to use parental control applications. The digital age we live in is not going anywhere. Rather technologies will continue to evolve and this means that your child will likely evolve with them. Considering this, and the expansion of social media it has become important that parents are aware of what their children are doing online and to educate their children about cyberbullying – to ensure they can come to you as well as do not engage in this activity themselves. The online environment can be potentially harmful, but if you take the time to speak to your children and educate them, it does become an easier place to navigate.

March 28, 2016

3 Beauty Hacks found at the bottom of your Diaper Bag

Often, I find myself in a beauty aisle deciding whether the R200 spent on a body oil is actually worth the splurge but usually end up settling on the idea that I would much rather spend the same amount on a bag of nappies because who would want soft skin and wet patches of carpet throughout their house, anyway? Baby products are designed in a way that they only contain the mildest ingredients to ensure that even the most sensitive skin is nourished and taken care of. It got me thinking that maybe it’s time we swap out our usual expensive “adult” products for baby products which will not only mean we’d be taking better care of ourselves with the use of gentle products, but perhaps saving a buck or two for the next pack of nappies or I don’t know… a new lipstick? Here’s a list of three seemingly normal baby products, found at the bottom of my son’s diaper bag, which pack a number of uses and beauty hacks and has prompted me to adding them to my beauty shelf. Baby Powder I bet that you have a lot of unused baby powder, don’t you? Baby powder is really versatile and can help remove oil stains from clothes, absorb dampness in smelly gym shoes or bags, cool your bed sheets in summer and remove beach sand from your skin with the greatest of ease but it also packs a host of beauty functions too. Try dusting a thin layer of baby powder to your lashes in between coats of mascara, to get voluminous lashes that will have everyone wondering what’s your trick. The baby powder adds thickness and length by clinging on to the lashes that are already coated in a layer of mascara. Improve the longevity of your lipstick by applying your lipstick as usual, and then placing a tissue over your lips before dusting baby powder around the lip area (using a powder brush). Apply a second coat of lipstick to top it off and enjoy longer lasting lip coverage. If you’ve nicked yourself after shaving and are struggling to stop it from bleeding, apply a dash of baby powder which will help clot the blood and stop it from bleeding everywhere. Baby Oil Baby oil restores lost moisture and is especially great during the winter months, by adding just a few drops to your bath water, it can help hydrate skin and leave it feeling smoother and softer all day long. Other uses for baby oil includes removing makeup as the oil helps to gently break down water-proof lip and eye products, which is where the skin tends to be the most sensitive. It is also a great post-shaving product and helps to soften cracked or dry heels. Bum Cream It shouldn’t shock you that baby bum cream is a great way to reduce redness, hence it works so well on bum rashes, but the cream can also be used as a spot treatment and works to treat acne or reduce any red blotchiness. You can also use baby bum creams like Sudocrem to prep and prime your face, to ensure that the coverage of your foundation is long lasting. Lastly, if you find your foundation is a little darker than you’d like, try adding a dash of bum cream (colourant free) to help lighten the formula. That wraps up the beauty hacks that you can find at the bottom of your diaper bags. Have you heard of any of these before? I’d love to know which you will be making use of soon. Like my beauty tips? Instead of giving into my broodiness, I committed to an entire year of sharing beauty tips daily on social media. Check out #365BeautyTips or follow me on Instagram: @byMeganKelly to see more!

March 24, 2016

Teaching Tolerance

Nelson Mandela once said: “No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite”. So how do we, as parents, teach love and tolerance to our children? How do we teach them to respect everyone regardless of their race, religion, culture or creed? How do we ensure that our rainbow nation is a melting pot of love and not one of hatred, suspicion and intolerance? The answer to this question is simple if you understand how your children are learning from you. Remember, that particularly when they are little, your kids are like sponges and the ‘water’ that they’re absorbing is what you are living. It is not what you say to them that matters, but how you follow this through with action. They are constantly making assumptions about the world and other people based on how they see you interacting. So if you want your children to learn tolerance and acceptance of all people, then you need to be living this yourself. Ask yourself this question, and be sure to be entirely honest with yourself as you do: Do you treat every human being equally? The majority of people that I come across these days will say that they are not racist or bigoted in any way. However, if you watch them closely you will see an innate judgement playing out in their daily lives. They will completely ignore the beggar at the traffic lights like he doesn’t even exist, they will speak differently to the waitress or cashier than they do to other people, they will even speak to their children in a way that suggests that they are somehow not as deserving of respect and recognition as someone twice their age or size. Simply telling our children that all people are equal is not enough. We need to genuinely treat each person as sacred by the very fact that they are alive and have worth as a human being – not because of their job title or status in society or size or colour or level of wealth. Every person deserves respect and acknowledgement simply by the very fact that they are. If you are not doing this then you are teaching your children intolerance. You are teaching them that some people are more worthy than others. You are teaching them that we are not all equal. Are you ok with that? If not, it is you that needs to change, and this change will teach your children more than a thousand lessons at school about equality and reconciliation and building a rainbow nation. All children are born loving everyone unconditionally, and it is from you that they learn to do otherwise. Live a different way, teach a different lesson, and be the change you want to see in your kids!

March 21, 2016

5 Benefits Of Sleepover Camps For Kids

Experiencing all the milestones with your child is one of the greatest highlights that come with parenthood – Hearing their first word, watching their first step and yes, even saying goodbye when it’s time for their first sleepover. Despite the reluctance and paranoia of sending your kids miles away to a sleepover camp for a week, this can be a positive experience and a significant developmental milestone that can be felt months after returning from camp, especially a camp like Sugar Bay. Sugar Bay Holiday Camp is open every school holiday for kids and teens from 7 to 17 years old. The counsellors are trained in child psychology for the different age groups, as well as First Aid & CPR. With the highest staff to child ratio in the country (1:3) and an impeccable safety record, you can rest assured that your little ones are safe and being fully supervised, while having the time of their lives. But there are other benefits that both you and your kids will enjoy when you send them to camp for the holidays: 1. Sleepover camps help teach children that separation is a sign of trust Sleeping away from home can be an exciting milestone for your child to learn about trust. You want your child to learn that being away from you is a sign that you trust them, and that it is also a sign that they can trust you to bring them back home after their holiday is over. When parents express their trustworthiness of their children they are more likely to live up to those expectations, and the lesson of trust will be learned. 2. Campers are motivated to try new things Having an enthusiastic child who is ready to accommodate different situations and face new challenges is very reassuring for any parent. As a parent, it is vital that you always influence your kids to be open to new adventures and experiences. Sugar Bay specialises in opportunities for new experiences by offering over 100 activities for kids of all personalities to enjoy. Campers are expected to plan their own day by choosing their own activities, and they receive further support by the counsellors to try something new. 3. Campers learn how to be more independent It is always a pleasure to watch your child get dressed all by themselves in the mornings before school. Sugar Bay ensures that our campers are able to do things for themselves by teaching them these skills from a young age. They will require almost no adult assistance, and will benefit from the confidence that comes from this new found independence. Campers are also expected to take control of their day by making decisions on what they would like to achieve for the day. They are not told what activities to do, but are rather guided to make responsible choices for themselves, as independent individuals. 4. Children are encouraged to conquer their fears Your child probably has nightmares just like any other typical youngster, and at Sugar Bay children are not only comforted, but also taught that nightmares are normal and that it’s nothing more than your mind playing tricks on you. That way our campers will learn to wake up from from a nightmare, brush it off and go back to sleep peacefully without fear, and none of the tears. 5. Children are encouraged to ask questions and make requests confidently When a child is able to ask for what they need and feel comfortable doing so, they will feel self-assured. Sugar Bay encourages all campers to come out of their shells by playing engaging ice-breaker activities on arrival. During our other team-building activities, everyone is urged on to share their opinions, which boosts their self-confidence and leadership skills too. Naturally, you may have many other concerns and questions before being convinced that sending your kids to camp is a good idea. Our friendly office will gladly chat to you about your individual concerns for your child, and will answer any other questions you may have. Read the parent FAQs on our website, give us a ring on (032) 485 3778, or pop us an email at [email protected] . Then when you are ready, you can book a March/April camp and enjoy a huge R1000 discount. Visit the Sugar Bay Website at www.sugarbay.co.za Email: [email protected] Call: (032) 485 3778 Follow Sugar Bay on Facebook at facebook.com/sugarbay789

March 21, 2016

When Affairs Happen….

I hear this story too often with the couples I work with. It goes something like this… “I don’t understand how my partner could’ve cheated on me?! We have a family and yes we’ve had our ups and downs but we’ve been going through a good patch lately.” I thought things were ok?!” What people don’t realise is that affairs happen over time not overnight. You don’t wake up in the morning and decide today I’m going to have an affair and pick the first person that happens to cross your path. Affairs happen as a result of the relationship waning and that also happens over time, not overnight. As couples move through their relationship cycle the dynamics of their relationship changes. They get caught up in the daily grind of chores, life and juggling the many balls we have in the air such as paying bills, parenting, work pressures, family responsibilities and more. Our relationship takes a back seat as a result of this and we stop connecting and communicating with each other on a deeper and meaningful level because we are too tired, too stressed, too self absorbed in doing what needs to be done. We stop appreciating our partner, and the effort we used to make in the early stages of the relationship has all but faded. The consequences being that we take very little heed of our partner and their needs leaving them feeling unloved, unappreciated, not valued, unimportant or even invisible. The more this happens, the more couples find themselves in a spiral of withdraw, attack, defend, combined with small glimpses of what once was and so the cycle repeats itself. Often. Over time we let things slide and work ourselves into a toxic cycle of blaming, shaming and fault finding. Emotions are on high alert as we tip toe around each other hoping not to rock the boat yet again but rather keep the peace for as long as possible. Invariable this is short lived leaving each other feeling resentful, hurt and betrayed on various levels with our emotional needs not being met. If not dealt with, the cycle can become destructive and ultimately result in the breakdown of the relationship. It’s at this point that a 3rd party comes into the picture and when affairs happen….. One gets to the lowest point of craving an emotional connection with their partner yet it is not forthcoming. This is not necessarily because the other is unwilling, but because both are so caught up in the destructive spiral it’s very hard to connect in a loving, caring manner. The 3rd party, who could be a friend, a colleague, an acquaintance… offers some kind of comfort, perhaps even listens and offers advice or reasoning. A seemingly safe place where the other does not have to be on their guard all the time, they don’t get criticised or constantly feel attacked. It is a safe space where the gloves are off and someone is actually paying them attention, showing care and concern and is interested in them. The very things they crave from their partner. Just as the original couple met, spent time together, connected and had fun, so too does the same begin to happen with the 3rd party. Over time this new ‘relationship’ starts taking shape until that point where boundaries are crossed and an affair begins. Can couples come back from an affair? Absolutely they can – if they are both prepared to do what it takes. Couples co-create the situation to begin with and are equally responsible for coming back from an affair. It takes hard work on both sides but it is not impossible and can even be a catalyst for a stronger bond than before. Couples need to ask themselves some hard questions when they are on the brink deciding whether to continue or walk away: You need to be completely honest with yourself and rate the following (0 = low and 10 = high): How badly do you want to fix/save this relationship? What is your level of commitment to the process? How willing are you to start doing/stop doing things to improve your relationship? How soon are you prepared to start the process? Once couples have answered these questions, anything above a level 6 is workable. Where the ratings are 6 and less, it will take a lot more work and effort but it’s not impossible. At the end of the day any relationship is salvageable if the couple wants it badly enough. If a couple does decide to work on their relationship below are some things they need to apply as part of the healing and growing process: Each one needs to take a step back from the toxic spiral and see the bigger picture of what once was. The love that once was there is still there, it’s just been overshadowed by the negative. Love doesn’t walk away – people do Both need to work hard at overcoming the feelings of being threatened, betrayed, or rejected and rather focus on the real issues that result in these feelings Both are responsible for creating safety so each one can risk speaking vulnerably from his or her heart as to how they are feeling and what they need from each other We all love differently, allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner and to ask for the love and understanding you desire. When one’s love tank is full, it’s highly likely they will give love in return Learn how to respond to your partner’s attempts to reach out and connect with you with openness and encouragement instead of shutting down or shutting them out Only when your partner feels safe and that you really want to listen and understand rather than attack, dismiss, or belittle his or her feelings, will he or she risk opening up about more vulnerable feelings and needs. This is where intimacy and connection is created. When there is a deep connection with each

March 17, 2016

Mom’s Rock

Moms are one of the greatest treasures of the universe. Miracle workers and magic makers, no-one exemplifies grace and beauty more than a mom in action. The sweet, healing balm of a mother’s love touches every aspect of her child’s life. It soothes bruised egos, restores broken hearts, lifts up discouraged souls, and feeds hungry tummies. A good mom is a priceless gift to her children. She is both a soft nurturing sanctuary and a fierce protective shield. So many men and women are who they are today because of a selfless, loving and wise mom. Dads are equally important. Boys and girls need both moms and dads. Equally important yet stunningly different the masculine and feminine soul work in unspoken tandem to weave together the magic that it takes to raise boys to be men and girls to be women. It’s a great betrayal when either mom or dad fails to play their role as co-parent. When one is missing the whole is affected. All too often it is the masculine that goes awry or AWOL and it’s the mom left carrying the burden of raising her children with limited or no support. Men who are absent or disengaged betray not just their children but the women who entrusted them with the joint care of their children. Because the focus of the damage caused by absent or disengaged fathers is on their children, moms are often the unacknowledged victims of a father’s dereliction. An absent or abusive dad is the ultimate betrayal. A dad who is present in body yet not heart and hand is slow poison to his family. Raising a child as a single mom or with a disengaged man is one of the greatest challenges a woman can ever face. To meet all of a child’s daily physical, emotional and spiritual needs as the only present and engaged parent requires almost superhuman effort. Trying to have a life while balancing work and children leaves many women feeling as though they can never do enough. Added to this moms often feel the pain of their child’s cry for their dad’s presence and involvement in their life. Fortunately there are several things moms can do to raise strong and emotionally whole sons and daughters in spite of an absent or disengaged father. The first is to realise that you are the most important and influential woman in your children’s lives. You are your daughter’s primary role model and your son’s first and most profound experience of a woman. Being a great mom doesn’t just happen by default, it requires intention. Not just in learning how to be a mom but in learning how to be a woman because it is out of womanhood that motherhood flows. Knowing and embracing your own femininity and being fully alive as a woman is the starting point of being a great mom. A mom who is whole and confident in who she is will impart wholeness and confidence to her children. Every man and woman carries some hurt or another from the experience of growing up and these wounds affect how we parent. Moms are no exception and motherhood is a parallel journey of growing in wholeness and freedom as a woman as you raise your children to become men and women. The second crucial thing for moms is to understand what makes the masculine and feminine soul tick. Boys and girls are different and what each need from their mom is different. The more you understand the different needs and drivers of the masculine and feminine soul the better equipped you will be to meet their unique needs. Understanding the feminine soul will assist you in your own journey as a woman and will enable you to impart to your daughter all she needs to grow up into a strong, independent woman with a healthy attitude towards herself, life and men. By understanding what makes the masculine soul tick and the role you need to play in its development, you can create an environment in which your son will grow and flourish. You will know when to let go, how and when to involve other men in your son’s life and how to deal with his growing masculinity. Thirdly because a mom’s life is so influential on her children she needs to model the right attitudes and behaviours. One of the implications of this is that no matter how badly you have been treated or let down by men you need to maintain a positive attitude towards them. By harbouring resentment you will unconsciously and unwittingly devalue your son and impart to your daughter damaging beliefs about men. The way a mom lives her life shapes a boy’s attitudes towards women and greatly influences the kind of woman he will marry one day. The way a girl’s mom interacts with men and in particular her father deeply affects the way she perceives men and what she will consider acceptable in her future relationships. It takes courage and sacrifice to raise children well and never more so than when you are doing it alone. The world owes a massive debt of gratitude to brave woman throughout history who have given so much of themselves to raise their children without the physical, emotional and financial support of their children’s father. The sheer overwhelming collective goodness dispensed by moms every day make this world an infinitely better place. Yet in a world in which more children than ever are growing up in single parent homes moms face the formidable challenge of empowering themselves to be great moms. Moms who know, understand and live their femininity while at the same time understanding, appreciating and affirming the masculine, in spite of how wrong it has so often gone.

March 17, 2016

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