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Advice from the experts

Raising Boys For My Girls

I’m the proud mother of two girls. It’s something I boast about – how easy going they are, how they amuse themselves for hours and can keep quiet when necessary and take care of their own basic hygiene. I know, you mothers of boys will throw it back at me when my girls hit the teenage years, but for now I’m gloating! The truth is, that having girls makes me more, not less, concerned with the raising of boys. I want my girls one day to find a man who has empathy and kindness and can work out relationship problems with maturity and is in touch with his emotions not bottling them up and then exploding. How little boys are raised has a lot to do with the kind of men they become. I’d like my girls to grow up into a society of great men. Here are, then, my tips on what you can do with your boys to help them become suitable suitors for my two beautiful daughters!! Make sure your boys have good male role models. Boys need to be exposed to men who are reliable, who treat women well, who are affectionate and playful and can handle and work through emotions and disagreements. This is particularly important if you are a single mom, and it does not need to be their dad. Uncles, grandfathers, godfathers, male friends… any older man who can show them, just by their way of being in the world, what it means to be a man. Be affectionate with your boys. All boys, regardless of their age, need hugs, kisses, cuddles and affection. You may need to pick your moments as they get older (not in front of their coolest friends perhaps), but everyone needs physical closeness. Boys who have a strong bond with their moms are less likely to be aggressive or defiant. A note on affection: Don’t only give hugs or kisses when they’ve done something right. Keep affection as something in it’s own right and not something you need to deserve. You are loved just because you are. Assist your boys in learning emotional intelligence. Girl’s grow up more emotionally intelligent because of the way they are treated, not because of some innate psychological difference. We tend to nurture girls when they’re hurt and ask them more regularly how they are feeling. For some reason parents are less likely to do this with boys and it stilts their emotional development and ability to discuss a range of emotions. We need to go beyond telling our little boys to “man up” if they get hurt. There is absolutely no evidence to show that boys who are cared for when hurt grow up any less masculine, strong or capable than those who are not. In fact, repressing emotions leads to all sorts of complications later on including aggression and depression. Help boys to find ways to express strong emotions without hurting themselves or others, help them to brainstorm solutions to problems, and reassure them that strong emotions do pass. Here again, it helps if they have a strong male role model with emotional intelligence. Help your boys to learn empathy. Avoid too much violent television or video games which can numb them to the feelings and effects of violence in the real world. Help them to get into the minds and feelings of others by playing games like “what if I were them?” If you’re watching a movie with your boys point out something that a character is going through and ask, “How do you think you would feel if you were in that situation?” Reading stories to them or encouraging them to read novels themselves can also build emotional intelligence and empathy as they become involved in the internal worlds of the characters in the stories. Help your boys to maintain a high level of self worth. Never label your boys – and that goes for good and bad labels. Everyone has two sides and all traits, and a good sense of self worth involves seeing both sides of yourself and loving yourself as a whole person. For that reason, limit the amount of praise you give too. Excessive praise can put unnecessary pressure on a boy to perform in order to feel loved. Self worth means being loved and lovable no matter what you do. Help your boys to figure out what they love and then to follow their dreams. There is nothing quite like pursuing someone else’s dreams to crush your self-esteem. Give your boys responsibilities and challenges. We all grow to our maximum when we have a combination of support and challenge. Help your boys to feel helpful and purposeful by trusting them to take on more challenges. And catch them doing things right. Boys are more often than girls caught doing naughty things or labeled as disruptive. Yes, they have loads of energy, they don’t keep quiet, they don’t sit still and they don’t always listen. This is a natural part of their development and they don’t need to be chastised for being who they are. Teach your boys to respect themselves and others. The easiest way to do this is to respect yourself. Don’t let your boys walk all over you or speak to you badly. Help them to see that you have needs and feelings too and that you will not allow others to degrade you. Have rules and follow through with consequences. If you are clear about the rules in your home and stick to them they will learn about other people’s boundaries and how to manage themselves out in the world. If the boundaries are constantly moving or unclear, they will learn to keep pushing. Help them learn how to make good choices. Again, following through with consequences is essential. If you’ve given them a choice and they’ve chosen one option, let them stick to that even if they don’t like the outcome. There are very important lessons in making mistakes.

September 26, 2016

The Art Of Communication

Chatting to your kids is not supposed to be habitual. Communication is an art. So if you want more than a habituated response you’re going to have to be a little more creative in your questions. “How was your day?” is never going to get more than an answer of “Fine”. I’d like to address this issue, because it’s impact goes beyond just not really knowing how your child’s day was to how they communicate with other human beings as they get older. Think about the proverbial cocktail party. When last did someone you’d just met ask you, “What was your most epic failure?” or “What is it that when you’re doing it you totally lose track of time and space?” Wouldn’t our interactions with our fellow beings be much more interesting, engaging and ultimately meaningful if we had learned as children to ask anything other than the obvious? Now the art of truly meaningful conversation requires knowing the person that you are speaking to and what is most important to them. Not so easy at a cocktail party when you’ve only just met (although a good incentive to find out quickly rather than lingering on small talk), but with your own child this should already be somewhat obvious. Whatever we most love is where we become extroverted in our conversations and where we have the least interest, we become introverted – chat to me about parenting and I’ll keep you up all night, what to me about rugby and I’ll be asleep in minutes. So while I’d love to give you a standard list of questions to ask your kids after school, you will have much more engagement with them if you tailor-make your questions to suit their particular interests. For example… If you child loves soccer, ask things like: If you were the world’s best soccer player, what did you learn today that could help you improve your game? If you were picking your ideal soccer team from the people in your class, who would you pick first? Who would you pick last? Why? Or if your child loves dolls, you could ask: If everyone in your class was suddenly turned into Barbie dolls, who would look the most ridiculous? What do you think your favourite doll would tell me if she had been in your class today? If your child loves reading, you could ask: What happened in the story of your life today? Who was the most interesting character in the story of your life today? What one thing happened today that you would add to a book you were writing? Or if your child loves Minecraft: If you turned everyone in your class into Minecraft characters, who would be villagers, who would be giant spiders, who would be creepers, and who would be skeletons? Do you think your teacher would survive if everyone in the class turned into creepers? If your child loves music, you could ask: Which song best describes your day? If you were making a movie of your day, which band would you get to play the soundtrack? Think about what your children love, what makes them come alive, and work on open ended questions that will help you to get more than a one-word response. Not only will you get some deeper insight into your child’s life, but this will also help your kids to engage more meaningfully with others as they get older. Win-win!

September 22, 2016

Tummy Time

As a new parent, you have more than likely been told by your doctor that baby needs to always be on his/her back when being put down to sleep or take a nap. However, it is just as important that baby does spend time on his/her tummy during the day whilst awake and during periods of time where mom or dad can supervise. Babies now spend much of their days on their back on relatively hard surfaces – at night, in a crib or bassinet, or in a bed; during the day, in a pack and play, car-seat and stroller. All of this time on their backs can lead to a flattening of the back of the head. It also leads to weaker neck muscles, as the baby never has a chance to exercise their neck lying on their back. Because of this, baby experts and health professionals now call for a prescribed amount of tummy time for baby each day, allowing baby to strengthen their neck and take the pressure off the back of their head for a while. Since your baby will be spending so much time laying on his/her back, tummy time will help to strengthen their little neck muscles which will ultimately assist in achieving other physical milestones. So what is tummy time, we hear you ask? “Tummy time is when your infant lays on his (or) her stomach while supervised,” says Wendy Wallace, DO, a paediatrician at The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia Care Network. Tummy time includes a variety of activities, positions, and routines to keep your infant spending a significant amount of time on his/her tummy. Whether or not they enjoy it, and it seems most don’t at first, your baby needs this time to practice lifting their head, then pushing up from the ground. Experts say that they have found that babies who don’t spend time on their tummy’s can experience certain development difficulties with their motor skills. Facing down is an unfamiliar position for baby and so it’s natural for baby to feel uncomfortable and perhaps even abandoned. And this is where ‘Baby Wearing” is proving to be more beneficial for baby. “Baby wearing” doubles as tummy time, and if you’re wearing baby for an hour, or a number of hours, each day, they receive much more exercise for their little neck and back than they would have during the prescribed amount of tummy time. The added benefit is that because baby is being kept of his/her back, there is less chance of developing a flat head. When a baby is in a sling, especially once they are in an upright position, which is possible from birth and ideal from four or six months and up, their core muscles are constantly engaged as their parent moves and goes about their day. Though baby’s body is well-supported, safe and secure in the carrier, small shifts in their parent’s body position cause them to shift as well, in turn strengthening their muscles. They also lift their heads to see or to turn their head, which strengthens their neck in the same way tummy time would. The Hugseez from BabyLegends is an absolute must for baby wearing. Manufactured in South Africa the Hugseez is highly recommended. It has been specially designed to carry baby against mom, in the most comfortable and comforting manner. Baby is kept close to mom’s heart and yes, dad can carry baby in the Hugseez too! Available in colours to suit your taste, you can visit www.babylegends.co.za to place you’re your order.

September 9, 2016

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

I was asked recently to present a talk to nursery school parents about how to look after their children’s teeth. You may wonder why a specialist prosthodontist who is trained to treat advanced restorative problems in patients that have very broken down mouths was so excited to talk to a group of young parents? The reason is very simple. Teeth are designed to last a lifetime. The care of teeth begins from early childhood and parent awareness is the key factor in helping young children develop the appreciation and skill of looking after their teeth. I may be doing myself out of future business but there are enough problems that abound in adults and even teenagers as a result of both ignorance and inadequate dentistry. In a presentation, diagrams charts and cartoons are entertaining but real-life pictures make the point. And so, I set out to find a suitable example I wanted a photograph of a young child to include in my presentation. In searching for such a picture I walked past a young lady of five years old sitting with her mother on the pavement of a restaurant and I thought that she would be the appropriate candidate. As she smiled I noticed that she was missing a back baby tooth. That really upset me greatly. Why should such a young person lose a baby tooth ? The loss of such a tooth has major consequences in terms of long-term dental health. It changes the bite and sets the patient up for future orthodontic treatment during her early to late teens. I suggested to the mother that she bring the young child in for a quick look see. She agreed and the clinical examination revealed the presence of seven teeth in need of restorative dentistry. That begs the question – Why was the decay not diagnosed earlier and why did she have to lose a tooth unnecessarily. Dental decay in a baby tooth should be treated promptly. It spreads fast because the tooth enamel is thin. Now the young lady needed a general anaesthetic to do the fillings and also have of a space maintainer placed to prevent further loss of space while the jaw continues to grow. The permanent tooth will erupt at the appropriate age and they need space to fit into a healthy dental arch. If that shock was not enough, I then had the pleasure of meeting her eight-year-old brother. I was aghast. This young man already has a mixed dentition, that is, both baby teeth and primary teeth present in the mouth which are in the process of growth and development. Not only not only were his teeth laden with plaque and widespread decay on the baby teeth. This was revealed with disclosing solution . Plaque is invisible and effective toothbrushing needs to be checked. ( Has your dentist made you aware of disclosing?) A permanent molar tooth was ravaged with decay as well. The first permanent molar tooth erupts into the mouth at the age of between six and seven years of age and they should last a lifetime if properly cared for. These teeth are the most vulnerable teeth in the mouth for a young person and the teeth most frequently lost as the years go by. The problem is preventable with effective dental care both by the dentist and by responsible parents. Now both of these gorgeous children have compromised mouths. They are fearful of sitting in the dental chair. They can only be treated under general anaesthetic with all the risk and anxiety that it entails. And what about the expense that could have been avoided with effective toothbrushing; regular fluoride treatment; and a proper diet. The young boy’s mouth will now be the bain of his life. A downward cascade . Whose fault? – The parent or the dentist or both. I wonder. Poor child. No dentistry is the best dentistry! Dental problems are preventable with the knowledge of how to look after teeth and exercise effective plaque control. This skill needs to be taught and constantly supervised. Regular dental visits are essential. There is a prevalent misconception that because one belongs to medical aid, all the costs of dental treatment are covered. This is not true! The fees set by medical aids and the limits imposed are so restrictive. They are unrealistic. Like all things in life, price is what you pay-value is what you get. (Kurt Vonnenberg). Everything is on the Internet today. Yellow page directories and telephone books continue to shrink. Want to search for anything? Just Google it. And so it is with dentistry… Type in keywords like: / implant dentistry/, cosmetic dentistry/, prosthodontist/ and see what comes up . Perhaps that is how you found my website which I trust has been informative. I also did some Googling and typed in the following: “ You get what you pay for”. Believe it or not, Google even had answers for that. Amongst the articles that came up is one that caught my eye was one written by Bob Borson quoting from the 19th century English poet, fervent art critic and socialist, John Ruskin. “There is hardly anything in the world that someone cannot make a little worse or sell a little cheaper, and the people who consider price alone are that person’s lawful prey. It’s unwise to pay too much, but it’s worse to pay too little. When you pay too much, you lose a little money – that is all. When you pay too little you sometimes lose everything because the things you bought were incapable of doing the thing it was bought to do .The common law of business prohibits paying a little and getting a lot – it can’t be done.” And so it is with good dentistry. Good dentistry may be costly in the beginning but its benefits last and last. Give us a call on 011 483 2281 . We would love to meet you and offer you real

September 7, 2016

Not just for leaders but for parents too!

I am a member of a number of online parenting groups which discuss thoughts and concerns around parenting. One of the recent key topics is “How to help kids be successful in school.”(Most of these groups are based in the Northern Hemisphere and they are about to start their new academic year in September.) What is interesting to me is that some parents think this task of being successful at school only begins now as their child is packing their bag for “big school”! In reality, preparation begins the day your baby is born! All teachers will say that children going to school need to eat well, sleep well, lots of gross motor play to be able to concentrate in class, but you cannot make that happen over night. So the preparation starts many years before. A child needs to learn and understand the purpose of a routine and how to care for equipment and toys. He also needs to learn how to listen to an instruction and follow through with it; to participate in a group and take turns, to be kind to peers and so on. All of these key lessons of life will be learned in pre-school, but the roots of their learning happens in the home. Children learn by example If you want your children to eat healthy food, they need to share meals with you, their parents, eating healthy food! If you want them to have manners, you need to be speaking to them and your husband or wife politely, respectfully ….. all the time. Daily routines teach daily habits, which in turn creates a sense of safety and peace of mind, a calmer child. If parents keep this in mind, and put into practice what they say e.g. “at six o’clock its tidy up time” and at six o’clock this is actioned children learn about time, they learn to trust what Mom and Dad say. If Mom and Dad also tidy up their things at the end of each day or activitiy they are modeling what they expect their children to do! Routines of preparing for the next day, for example, if your child’s bag is packed for pre-school the night before and waiting by the door for her to pick up and take out to the car in the morning, it is one less thing to worry about in the morning. This can signal the beginning of the bedtime routine each late afternoon: 1) Bag at the door 2) Clothes laid out on the chair for the morning 3) Eat supper together 4) Bath time 5) Story time with Mom or Dad 6) Bedtime prayers and cuddles 7 ) Lights out. If you are a working parent and the bedtime routine is begun by your care-giver, when it is the same routine each night, it is still familiar and therefore your child is more relaxed because they know what is coming next. When you get home slip into the groove of what is already happening so that you keep them moving along in the routine, towards settling into bed peaceful nights sleep.

September 6, 2016

Help your child become an ‘Academic Olympian’

As the 2016 Olympic Games came to an end, we can reflect on the achievements, camaraderie and celebration of sport on the global stage. In addition to the great successes, Edublox reading, maths and learning clinic, highlights important lessons that can be learned from the Olympic athletes, which is applicable to a child’s academic and sporting performance. The Olympic Games is a prestigious sporting event and the highlight of any Olympian’s career. No athlete wins a medal or even qualifies to participate at the world’s largest sporting event without committing the majority of their time to perfecting their craft. It takes years of preparation to build a strong physical foundation and develop the necessary skills to compete on the highest level. “The same goes for a child’s academic performance,” says Susan du Plessis, director of educational programmes at Edublox. “Children have to be able to read and concentrate in order to grow and develop academically. For children to learn how to read or improve their reading, they have to understand the language, as well as master the foundational skills of perception, memory and logical thinking. Children have to work hard and train their learning abilities with as much vigour and determination as athletes in order to become ‘Olympic students’,” says Du Plessis. Another characteristic of an ‘Academic Olympian’ is the ability to concentrate. Concentration is a skill that can be taught, just like riding a bike. “Concentration and memory go hand in hand and play a major role in a child’s all-round development. These two aspects not only affect a child’s academic accomplishments, but also influence the performance of young and upcoming sportsmen and women on the sport field,” explains Du Plessis. After his enrolment at Edublox, Stelios Charalambous, a Grade 3 learner experiencing learning challenges, surprised everyone with a dramatic improvement in all of his subjects on his second report card of the year. “When we received Stelios’ report card, we were ecstatic! His marks had jumped by 20% in all of his subjects,” says Christa Charalambous, Stelios’s mother. “Another big change we’ve noticed is that he is more confident and had improved significantly on both the rugby field and the tennis court,” she adds. Du Plessis shares a few easy tips for parents looking to help their children become ‘Academic Olympians’ from a young age: Improve reading Your child’s fluency in language is a key determinant of his reading ability. Talk to your child and explain to them what you are busy doing while shopping, cooking and working in and around the house or even while taking a walk. This will help enhance your child’s vocabulary. Read to your child as often as possible. Language develops through repetition. You can read the same book over and over again before moving to another book. Teach your children nursery rhymes to stimulate their brain and improve memory. Improve concentration Let your child build age-appropriate puzzles from a young age. Progressively read longer and more in-depth stories to your children. Let your child play outside. This often improves the child’s ability to concentrate more than when playing indoors. “Mastering the fundamental skills of reading and concentration is important for every child’s academic growth and development,” says Du Plessis. “Regardless of whether they find it difficult to read and concentrate or not, it is essential that all children work hard, similar to Olympic athletes, so that they can transform into great Academic Olympians,” she concludes.

September 2, 2016

Detecting Eye Problems in Young Children

There are an estimated 1.4 million children around the world who are blind – and one in five of them live in sub-Saharan Africa. Many of these children would be able to see, only if they had received the right care at the right time. It is the fact that in so many cases blindness can be prevented that inspires the work of international sight-saving organisation ORBIS. A major cause of blindness is that eye problems are not picked up before age six, simply because people don’t know the warning signs. ORBIS has put together a checklist for parents and caregivers to detect eye problems. This is a crucial time so that the pathways between the brain and eye can develop properly. Compiled in consultation with Dr Dharmesh Parbhoo (consultant ophthalmologist at the ORBIS Paediatric Eye Care Centre, Inkosi Albert Luthuli Central Hospital), ophthalmologist Dr Robert Lindfield (ORBIS Medical Advisor) and optometrist Reshma Dabideen (ORBIS Africa, Senior Programme Advisor). THE CHILD’S EYE Look regularly and carefully at the eye for any of these warning signs: A white pupil or white spot on the pupil Not being able to fix eyes and follow a moving object such as a finger or toy One or both eyes being bigger or smaller than usual Crossed eyes or one eye looking in another direction Redness of the eye and around the eye and / or crustiness Swelling or inflammation Excessive watering Protruding or sticking out THE CHILD’S BEHAVIOUR Does the child? Smile and focus on your face by the time they are 3 months old? Cover or close one eye when trying to focus on something Hold objects close or get very close to the TV, computer or blackboard Have trouble reading or doing close-up work Tilt or angle the head when trying to focus Complain things are blurred or difficult to see Squint or frown when concentrating and / or looking at things in the distance See double Have jerky eye movements Rub their eyes a lots or complain of sore, itchy or scratchy eyes If you notice any of the above or have any reason at all to be concerned about the child’s sight seek professional advice. What can parents and caregivers do to protect eye health? Check that the ‘Eye’ section of the child’s Road to Health Clinic Card is completed Speak to a health care professional (i.e. community healthcare worker, optometrist or family doctor) immediately if you suspect a problem If your child requires spectacles ensure that they wear them; a child is never too young to wear glasses Keep your child’s face and hands clean to minimise risk of eye infections Make sure that your newborn’s eyes are delicately wiped (with separate, clean cotton wool and cooled boiled water) immediately after birth – to prevent conjunctivitis and other more serious infections Know that even if a child is born blind it may be possible to restore sight – in about 40% of cases vision problems are treated successfully. Early intervention is vital so do not delay in taking the child to a health care professional.

August 25, 2016

The Benefits Of Rolling Blackouts

With the cold kicking in, the power is once again going out. These power outages can really get one down. I know. I’ve done my fair share of complaining. And we may feel justified in our complaints: we can’t warm our babies’ bottles, we can’t pop onto the Internet to help a kid with a project, we can’t finish the dinner or get the washing done. Not to mention the financial implications of hours where you or your staff are not being productive. We have a right to have a bit of a moan. But thinking negatively can really drain your energy! I felt I needed a bit of a pick me up on this particular subject so a friend and I made a list of 100 benefits to the rolling blackouts. We thought we’d share it with you in the hopes that it will light up your day as much as it did ours. Spend less time on devices (We don’t need to plan a “no technology day” anymore) Spend more time connecting with family and friends Less noise pollution Less light pollution It’s atmospheric (there’s nothing like candlelight to make a scene beautiful) Play games instead of watching TV (get back to our own childhoods of snakes and ladders, Monopoly, charades etc.) Have more conversation Go to sleep earlier (a healthier option for most of us) Wake up earlier and get more out of the day Take a break from working Brings people together It gives us something to talk about Compels us to move towards alternative power sources There is a lot of research being done into sustainable power We use less electricity – reserving Earth’s resources When we have power we get more work done We learn to plan ahead and have contingency plans Tell stories – giving our kids the cultural background of the stories we grew up with Tell our kids our life stories and family history It’s like camping! Teaches us to toughen up a bit Pulls us back to the simplicity of life Get back to the “olden days” More family time More opportunity to talk to and connect with your partner Read books and give our kids a love of reading Make shadow puppets Do crosswords and Sudoku and exercise our brains a bit Getting back to the REAL stuff of life Put the focus back on what is important Teaches us to be creative Teaches us to be resourceful Stop wasting time on social media Work on areas of your life you don’t take time for due to work and distractions Time to sort your cupboards etc. Gratitude for having electricity in the first place (and running water) Appreciate hot water Appreciate having a dishwasher, phone, TV, computer, etc. Back to reality – all human beings are equal Breaks down class differences Listening to good audiobooks / music in traffic Time to chat in the car Learn patience Learn something in the car – take an audio course Listen to an entire book while sitting in traffic (catch up on reading time) Improve your career / finances / etc. in the traffic (via audio programs) Learn a new language in the car Learn to accept the present moment as it is ‘cos there’s nothing you can do about it! Be prepared – have your coffee, audiobooks etc. ready to settle in Learn to prepare your mind for delays Get over the “in a hurry” mindset Slow down Learn to leave early and take it easy Teaches kids to be ok with the dark Learn to budget (making less money due to blackouts) Simplify financially Making a plan BEFORE the coal all runs out Creating new industries Cash to be made in generators, solar power etc. Learn to handle financial ups and downs Switching to energy efficient bulbs etc. Makes us very conscious of energy consumption Less wasteful of electricity – only using washing machines, dishwashers etc. when full Fulfils our human psychological needs: Provides us with certainty (we KNOW the lights will be out at some point!) Provides us with variety (more creative in how we spend our time) Provides us with significance (looking after our kids in the dark) Provides us with love and connection (spending more quality time together) Growth (reading, learning, talking to each other) Contribution (becoming more aware of what people with no electricity permanently have to go through); teaching us empathy. Gives us more of a Spiritual connection – time to pray, meditate, connect with source Mentally – it removes the problem of too many options that deaden the mind – like too many TV channels making us spoiled for choice Financially it makes us more creative and focused on budgeting, saving and investing Shops closed means we spend less Less time spent on shopping Helps us to be more family oriented Socially we may go out more and so connect with people we love more, or, we may go out less, therefore saving on petrol, take-out bills, etc. Physically, we are given a break from the constant electromagnetic field around us In our careers – it gives us the opportunity to step back from the chaos and rethink strategy and the bigger picture We can see the stars more clearly at night We can get creative with glow-in-the-dark paints and toys We can have fun decorating with solar lanterns We can play with sparklers We have the opportunity to become more inward focused There are less distractions We can connect with ourselves and our feelings We have the opportunity to face our fears Play music, sing Connect with your neighbours – sharing information and checking up on each other Eating take-out – having a break from cooking Eating more raw foods and all the health benefits of that Not bathing / showering / washing dishes – save on water More emphasis on breast feeding (can’t warm up bottles) – healthier for our babies Kids learn to sleep without their night lights – better

August 19, 2016

Father Figures: the profound influence on a child’s development

There is an old saying that “one father is worth more than a hundred school masters” which in a few words encapsulates the value of a male figure in the upbringing of children. Loving fathers who are fully involved in their children’s upbringing and show affection and support from day one, are intrinsically valuable to not only their marriage relationship and their family – but also to their children’s future. Dads are the heroes Fathers who engage with their children become their children’s heroes. They are central to every life experience those children will have, and will deeply affect how they will react, behave, learn, develop a sense of self, and interact with others. A father is paramount to a child’s sense of security and stability Through play, fathers can teach their children strategies for life, including self-control, care and consideration, kindness, fairness, morals, fun, humour and taking risks. These principles are all subtly imparted during roughhousing sessions when a dad pretends to wrestle his kids. Kids love it! Dad is the greatest! But more than this, they are learning how to develop attitudes towards winning, losing, discovering strengths and dealing with weakness. They are learning aspects of the psychology of coping. The dad effect The view children hold of their father can affect their relationships with other persons throughout their lives, including friends, authority figures and spouses. Your children are vulnerable to those early interactions and will incorporate what they learn into their own pattern of engagement with others. The way you relate to your child will likely be the way they in turn, relate to others. Boys often view their fathers as role-models and will imitate accordingly. Daughters are observant of the way their fathers treat women. If a girl’s experience of her father was that of a loving and gentle man, she will be more likely to look for those characteristics in other men. Changing times Today more than 80% of women work. Parenting roles are evolving. There are a host of new structures coming to the fore: stay-at-home dads, single dads, widowed, divorced, gay, adoptive, a step-father, etc. But what is important in all these scenarios is that the father-figure remains vital to the children and that he is lovingly involved. When natural fathers are separated from their children through divorce, they can still remain bonded with their children by maintaining consistent, strong, loving engagement. Although there are many different home and family structures today than say 50 years ago, a great positive is that more men are valuing their role with their children than ever before. We see this in a number of changes over the last few years: often both parents will be out with their children, fathers happily wheeling the pram or carrying a toddler or generally chatting with their children fathers are showing themselves to be more active in their child’s schooling, turning up for parent/teacher meetings and helping with homework and projects parents are working more as an equal team and fathers tend to partner fully with their wives in any decisions concerning their children where both parents work, modern fathers are willing to share domestic responsibilities and keen to spend time having fun with their kids this team energy means both parents are equally responsible for discipline, helping to develop their children’s critical thinking and promoting good relationships within the family society’s expectations have changed – and today fathers who look after their children and spend time with them on their own are no longer afraid this may demean them as men We found this great story by Unicef about the gift of fatherhood – showcasing the profound effect an absent father can have on their children, who then in turn also become fathers – having to step into the role of fatherhood themselves. A great dad recipe be present in your child’s life from day one – yes, get used to those nappies! be available to help out in physical, emotional, social and spiritual needs – listen to your children with real attention even if they want to play ‘Captain Pirate’ in the middle of your afternoon snooze! share time, activities and most importantly, conversation – do those puzzles with your kids and give your opinion on a new doll’s dress, because how you handle problems and what you say has an indelible effect . be the kind of constant support that your children will perceive as enduring, dependable, non-judgmental and trustworthy – be someone your children can turn to and confide in without fear of retribution. read to your kids, get involved at their school, roughhouse with them often – the time you give to your children tells them that you care, that you love them, even if they manage to give you an occasional black eye!

August 18, 2016

The Big Ouch

A specialist prosthodontist is trained to treat adults who present with severe dental problems. Restoring a broken down mouth back to good health is a major challenge and oftentimes very costly in terms of time and effort and expense. Patients want to regain their lost dental health. They are looking for the ability to eat well; look good; and smile to the world. They don’t want to wear dentures at all costs. The question that needs to be asked is “Why did such a compromised situation result?” That is a very difficult question to answer and can be the result of many factors. Clearly there is one element in the equation that has a solution… Teeth are designed to last a lifetime and dental care should begin from early childhood. Let me tell you a story… I was asked to prepare a lecture for a group of nursery school parents to teach the importance of baby teeth and how to look after them. I wanted a photograph of a young child to include in my presentation. In searching for such a picture I walked past a young lady of five years old and thought that she would be the appropriate candidate. As she smiled I noticed that she was missing a back baby tooth. That really upset me greatly. Why should such a young person lose a baby tooth? The loss of such a tooth has major consequences in terms of long-term dental health. It changes the bite and sets the patient up for future (probably unnecessary) orthodontic treatment during her early to late teens. I suggested to the mother that she bring the young child in for a quick look see. She agreed and the clinical examination revealed the presence of seven teeth in need of restorative dentistry. That begs the question – Why was the decay not diagnosed earlier and why did she have to lose a tooth unnecessarily. Dental decay in a baby tooth should be done promptly. It spreads fast because the tooth enamel is thin. Now the young lady needs a general anaesthetic and placement of a space maintainer to prevent the loss of space while the jaw continues to grow to allow. The permanent tooth will erupt at the appropriate age and it needs space to fit into a healthy dental arch. If that shock was not enough, I then had the pleasure of meeting her eight-year-old brother. I was aghast. This young man already has a mixed dentition, that is, both baby teeth and primary teeth are present in the mouth which is in the process of growth and development. Not only not only were his teeth laden with plaque and widespread decay on the baby teeth, but a permanent molar tooth was ravaged with decay. This was revealed with disclosing solution. Plaque is invisible and effective tooth brushing needs to be checked. The first permanent molar tooth erupts into the mouth at the age of between six and seven years of age and they should last a lifetime if properly cared for. These teeth are the most vulnerable teeth in the mouth for a young person and the teeth most frequently lost as the years go by. The problem is preventable with effective dental care both by the dentist and by the responsible parents. Now both of these gorgeous children have compromised mouths. They are fearful of sitting in the dental chair. They can only be treated under general anaesthetic with all the risk and anxiety that it entails. And what about the expense that could have been avoided with effective tooth brushing; regular fluoride treatment; and a proper diet. Let me end off by saying that restoring the mouth of an adult patients is challenging and oftentimes very difficult. Why let such a situation develop at all?. Teeth are not to be taken for granted. They are precious as pearls. How wonderful it is look forward to the enjoyment of sound dental health for one’s whole life.

August 17, 2016

It Takes 2 to Tango

I’m sure you are all too familiar with the saying it takes 2 to tango. The tango is a dance which requires two partners moving in relation to each other. The partners sometimes move together and sometimes in opposition, but at any given time they are part of the movement. A tango with only one dancer is no longer a tango. So, while you are no longer in a romantic relationship with your ex, if you are in a conflict with them, you remain part of the “tango”. When parents separate, they inevitably remain in a parenting relationship. When this relationship is conflicted, it is worth while to consider what your role in the conflict is. Even if your ex is the unreasonable one, you become part of the conflict, if like the tango, you move with your partner, being together or in opposition. Conflicts often emerge more when people are stressed and circumstances change. Staying out of a conflict is much more intricate than ignoring the conflict. Ignoring the conflict could still be seen as taking part in it by being passive aggressive. Staying out of a conflict requires more understanding on your part about your behaviour rather then your opponent’s behaviour. So how do you go about understanding your role in your ongoing conflict when you are close to certain, that it’s your “partner” who is at fault. See how you answer the following questions: Do you recognise that you have to be right for the conflict to end? Are you highly emotional? Do you criticise your ex for what s/he does or how s/he does things? Do you blame your ex for your current situation? Do you complain a lot? Do you nag to get what you want? Do you attempt to punish by withholding things that your ex wants? Do you threaten with legal action? You hang on to telling the same negative story over again? Are you seeking people’s approval to your situation? Are you feeling guilty about what is happening? Are you mostly thinking negatively about your situation? Your self esteem is damaged Have you lost the ability to foresee a bright future and set new goals? Being in a conflict is never fun and leaves people feeling miserable and a victim of their circumstances. But being in a conflict motivates people to remain negative as conflicts are about being right and not what is right. When focusing on a solution and adopting a positive approach to the disagreement at hand, people are able to leave the conflict by not feeding it and while you may not be the one creating the conflict, it is important to acknowledge your role in it, in order be able to remove yourself from it. So take a step back, breathe deep, listen and use your conflict to increase understanding and creative thinking. The conflict is not the conflict. The conflict is how you deal with the conflict. Nadia Thonnard Founder SADSA | The South African Divorce Support Association

August 16, 2016

Those Darned Apron Strings

I was recently invited to join two fellow parents at my three sons’ private school for breakfast. The conversation was very interesting indeed. The husband’s theory was that most wives’ mother-in-law problems can in fact be attributed to mothers who find it difficult to let go of their sons. The wife was sceptical. A couple of weeks later I found myself on a foray into a strip mall after picking up my son from a party. On the way back to the car, I picked up a whole box of juicy naartjies. I kept the box of fruit on my 9 year old’s lap, peeled the first one and asked him to pass me segments during the drive. When we ran out, I asked him to peel another one. It took him not less than ten minutes to peel a naartjie! Watching his knitted brows in the rear view mirror while he concentrated on the seemingly very tricky task at hand, it occurred to me that the naartjie is just the tip of the iceberg. I wondered whether my good friend at breakfast had a point regarding mums not letting go. Although it is all too easy to revert to the “when I was your age….” mentality, nobody can deny that, to a certain extent, us modern parents have been scared (or should I say bullied by the media, schools, society?) into over-pampering and overprotecting our children perhaps even to the point where they are actually disadvantaged by our well-meaning mollycoddling. All this happens even before any partners appear on the scene when we as mothers, are unceremoniously asked to ‘let go’. Are we doing our children a disservice? Although it could be argued that the seventies was a rather risqué period as far as parenting is concerned, when I think of what I could do even before I turned ten, I worry for my boys. How will they learn to be street smart if they cannot even be trusted to cross a car park without thoughtlessly stumbling right behind a reversing 4×4? I remember playing hide and seek on the neighbourhood streets until late into the night on Summer evenings, I distinctly remember arriving home from school and making myself an omelette at lunchtime before the age of ten, I remember taking short bus journeys to after school classes, and at least once a week, my mother would press some money and thrust a blue net shopping basket into my hand and send me to the local grocer three blocks away armed with a short shopping list. Every Saturday, being the only girl in the family, I was entrusted with helping with the weekly “Big House Clean”. Undeniably, some street corners or situations did make me feel uncomfortable – such as the mechanic’s garage one block up on the way to the grocer, where adolescent boys in training would whistle and shout harmless comments – an activity I found so discomfiting that I often either changed my route – or crossed to the other side of the street and sprinted past the cavernous mouth of the open garage. Then, there were the occasional refuse collection men or the workers on renovation projects – often with nothing better to brighten their day until it was time for the next cup of tea than to taunt a pre-teen girl running errands. To be fair to my parents, they were working people in their mid- to late thirties trying to raise two children into good middle class citizens – as were most parents in Southern Europe at the time. We had no domestic help whatsoever although there were plenty of uncles, aunts and cousins around. Generally, too, people did not move house for generations – meaning that our neighbours were well known to us and ours. So, since I know the value of being a capable and independent child, how is it that I am shocked out of my wits when I hear of an eleven year old being put in an Über as a way for the parents to cope with all the lifting? Why do my hackles rise every time I catch a glimpse of the lady selling ice cream outside the gates of my sons’ school? Why can’t I even fathom the thought of handing over a R50 note and allowing my eleven year old to pick up a bottle of milk from the grocery store while I am in the same strip mall making my way to the same shop a few minutes later? Are my children right in being indignant at my lack of ability to loosen their leash a little? Is the nanny state we have created in fact a hidden monster turning our children into a generation of dependents who cannot and will not cope independently? How can we ‘safely’ and gradually let go? How is it that increasingly, parents happily gift or donate mobile phones with internet capabilities to tweenies, help them set up their Facebook/Instagram pages, allow them almost totally unsupervised Youtube access but feel utterly powerless to do any of the traditional ‘letting go’ we’ve all been subjected to while growing up? As all these questions tumble through my mind, distorting my thoughts and presenting the danger of distracting me from the road, I realise with great sadness that there is in fact no straight-cut answer. At the end of the day, how much you let go and when really depends on how mature your child is, where you live and how you live and how much family you have around you. The rest is for them to figure out. One thing’s for sure – this generation might just not be as quick to look at us, their parent generation, as “golden oldies” anytime soon. We, together with the economy, are making sure they will continue to depend on us for a very long time yet.

August 15, 2016

New study reveals the Internet is a source of family conflict and disconnect

The way we live our digital lives at home is having a big impact on our family relationships, according to new research from Kaspersky Lab and iconKids & Youth. With people spending more time online, a fifth of parents and children say that the Internet and connected devices can be a cause of family tension. The research, which surveyed over 3,700 families in seven countries, provides an insight into how the digital world is disrupting traditional family dynamics. Whereas in the past parents were the first port of call for children seeking answers to questions or advice, one-in-four (23%) of the parents surveyed say that their kids now prefer to go online rather than talk to them. The research also found that almost half (42%) of parents are not friends with their children on social networks, and one-in-five (18%) says this is because their children would find it embarrassing. All in all, a fifth of parents (21%) and children (22%) say that the Internet can cause family tension. Most concerning of all, one-in-three parents (31%) believe the Internet isolates them from their children. The conflict may be exacerbated by the fact that the devices used to go online are often shared. Two-thirds of the families surveyed said they share a family computer. As a result, a third of parents (31%) complain that their child has broken something on a connected device or infected it with a virus while online (30%) and a quarter (24%) has had to pay for something their child had ordered or downloaded. Similarly, 13% of kids accuse parents of breaking a device and 16% complain that their parents had accidentally deleted some of their data. Andrei Mochola, Head of Consumer Business at Kaspersky Lab said: “It is only natural that using – and misusing – each other’s connected devices can become a cause of conflict for families. However, as we spend more and more time online, family dynamics are also changing. It is important that families maintain an ongoing dialogue about how to spot and respond to potential dangers, with parents and children together agreeing on the basic rules on how they can best navigate the digital world. It is also important to be serious about protection. We recommend installing an integrated home Internet security solution on all devices in the home. This should be enhanced with Parental Control software, which can block access to inappropriate sites or apps and prevent sensitive data from being shared or deleted.” Janice Richardson, Senior Advisor at European Schoolnet, adds: “Although Internet becomes a source of conflict in some families, a recent study[1] by the Joint Research Center of the European Commission interestingly underlines an emerging trend, with siblings and extended family members taking on a much bigger role in children’s online activities. Unsurprisingly, children are instinctively turning to the person they perceive to be able to fix technical issues, advise on sites and security tools and provide more objective responses to delicate queries. This underlines the importance of parents and guardians developing their own technical competence and building trusting relationships with their children whilst also establishing basic rules on Internet and device usage to avoid conflicts. At the same time, software and social media providers, too, should seek to develop more ‘family-friendly’ tools.” For more useful advice on protecting children on the Internet, visit kids.kaspersky.com. Information about a technical solution to these problems can be found at Kaspersky Safe Kids.

August 11, 2016

True Confessions: How to become a better mom

We all want to be the perfect mom and have the perfect children. This however is easier said than done. There is no quick fix out, no manual you can go and buy that guarantees you to have solved the mystery of how to raise the perfect children. Reading all the self help books will only confuse you more and if nothing else leave you feeling disillusioned and wondering if you will ever get it right. A mom to four boys I have over the years figured out some things that have made my life easier and there are some points that require a bit more effort on my side. I hope that each mom can take away one point from this article that will make them feel like they are doing a fabulous job. Limit shouting at my boys Wow I put this first because if I can limit my shouting all the other points become so much easier. Ranting and raving does make them listen to me, all I am actually doing is blowing off my own steam and making myself feel better. I now turn away, breath in out and then face the problem. I have found that I will not get involved in the arguments and telling tales because the shouting just escalates. A quote that I recently found “ you don’t have to show up to every argument that you are invited to “ Stop comparing. Your kids need you You are the perfect mom for your kids, that is why you are blessed with them. Nobody could do a better job at raising those special individuals in your home. Yes there will be days when you look at them and say to yourself “ Johnny, why cant you be more like your brother Paul?” or ponder why you suddenly became a qualified teacher, child psychologist, judge and doctor. Dont look at the other moms at swimming practise who always seem to have it perfectly together while you come racing in with your double stroller late again. ( This doesn’t matter, you made it there and that is what is important ) Dont look at the perfect pictures on Facebook, it is easy to manipulate any situation to suite our needs. So, stop comparing, stop thinking If only I was like her then life would be perfect. Its not true. You are their mother and they need you and they love you unconditionally. Hug more and hurt less I have realised that in the very busy life we lead it is so easy to forgot to stop and hug our children. When I think back on my childhood I don’t remember receiving hugs from my mom. Hugs serve so many purposes, they show our love for our children, they take away any hurt may it be psychical or emotional, we hug out of happiness, we hug to calm a situation. Moms love to shower their new born babies with hugs but as they grow up to become teenagers it gets harder and harder to hug. We now have a standing joke in our house, when I say to my boys “ what does mom want ?” they smile from ear to ear and rush over to me shouting “ A HUG “ I am them showered with hugs from every corner. My teenager of course sits on the couch and looks at me like I am crazy. This has made it easy for the boys to hug me good bye in the morning when I drop them at school, to hug them when they are sad and to give countless hugs at night when its sleep time. Take care or yourself This does not mean close the bathroom and go to the toilet alone and consider this a great accomplishment. In actual fact it means taking a long bath and soaking amid the screams and knocks on the bathroom door. Paint your nails, go to the hair salon once a week, enjoy the journey of motherhood. It takes up a chunk of our lives so while we are living in it lets enjoy it. “Me time “ is so import, you don’t want to loose your identity and your hobbies. Now that you are a mom you don’t need to give up on the activities that make you happy. Its important for your children to see what you love and take care of yourself. Love yourself – value yourself, cultivate your gifts and talents, they must never fade away, they should rather flourish. You are only teaching your children good qualities in life. You do not need to feel guilty for taking time out for yourself. You want your children to have happy and fond memories of you, not memories of an exhausted and unhappy mom Eat healthy, be healthy This must be one of the hardest for me. I am a chocoholic and have a sweet tooth of note.Its so much easier to grab a lollipop on the way out of the house instead of an apple. I have made a concerted effort to ensure my children eat healthy, balanced meals. The older boys get, the hungrier they get. I am convinced their legs are hollow. I keep the bottles that we buy water in from the store and refill them and put them in the fridge. I am amazed at how much water they actually drink. We also have a menu that is drawn up every Sunday for the week and placed on the fridge. I no longer get asked “ whats for super mom? “ they now look on the fridge ,it also helps with the weekly shopping so there is less of the spur of the moment buying and take outs. Fizzy drinks are a BIG NO in my house. Lots of exercise and outdoor sport is a BIG YES, the boys swim more than once a day, ride bicycles, skate board and run around. I encourage outdoor play to

August 4, 2016

Authenticity – the expression of self

The expression of self is something that we struggle with from birth. The inability to express what your true needs or feelings are creates a frustration within you, which if not managed, can in fact cause serious physical and psychological harm. So how do we manage this? More importantly, how do we help our kids deal with this conundrum. Conceptually, authenticity awakes feelings of peace and joy within you until you realise that maybe you aren’t quite sure what it is you need to do. As adults we have a legacy of hiding who we are, which means that teaching our kids differently can be tricky. To be authentic is in essence quite simple. It’s about acting in line with your values structure; it’s about voicing your opinion not someone else’s. It’s about making life decisions that are in your best interest and not something that you think someone else wants you to do. The best we can do hear, is model this for our kids to see. After all, they learn more from what they observe than what we tell them. Authenticity is about making the choice to be the best you that you can be. This means that we as adults need to re-assess our behaviour and make a conscious decision to model what we want our kids to learn. Of course, in the real world this isn’t always easy as we are so easily swayed by the opinions and perceptions of others. Our society dictates an in-the-box focus on life and in many instances discourages individuality. What the world needs is more people who are prepared to stand up for what is right. We need to teach our children to be individuals who are able to think for themselves. We need to do this by first freeing ourselves from thought patterns that add no value to our own lives. Feel that it is time to drop the shackles of mediocrity? Start by understanding your own value structure. If you are consciously aware of your values, you will make decisions based on your values, allowing no room for external negative input. Actively teach your children that it is okay to make decisions based on their value structure. Of course, we also need to temper that with teaching them to make safe decisions too. Learning to express your true self is the greatest gift your will ever give yourself. It’s a journey of discovery taking you to places you may never have seen or forgotten existed. You will get in touch with your dreams, set goals for a brighter future. For me nothing says I’ve “got it right” than when my daughter stands up for herself and what she believes is right for her. This does sometimes mean I get to bite my tongue every so now and again. It’s worth it.

August 2, 2016

Tips You Can Try TONIGHT To Help With Your Child’s Sleep Problems

Would you like to know one of the most important steps parents can take in order to get their child sleeping through the night? It’s very simple, very easy… and actually pretty fun, too! It’s setting up a bedtime routine. Now, I know you might be thinking “Oh, I already know about bedtime routines,” but stick with me here because there I’m also going to talk about the single biggest mistake that parents make with bedtime routines. Here are 3 easy tips to help you master your child’s bedtime: TIP #1: MAKE SURE IT’S FUN! Okay, this might seem obvious, but I’m going to make sure I say it loud and clear anyways… Don’t make your child angry at bedtime! Seems like common sense, but you’d be surprised how many clients I’ve worked with who insist on including baths in a bedtime routine — even though their child totally HATES baths! When I ask them why they’re forcing their child to do something he or she hates right before bedtime, they usually say, “Because that’s what I was told to do.” Their mom or sister or friend told them that ALL children need a bath before bedtime, so they just started doing it. But trying to get your child to do something she hates right before bedtime is a flat-out bad idea. Tempers flare… tears are shed… and your child gets so emotionally wound up that it takes MUCH longer for her to calm down and get back into her happy place. So make sure your bedtime routine includes only activities your child enjoys! TIP #2: KEEP IT SHORT (BUT NOT TOO SHORT) Specifically, somewhere between 20 and 30 minutes, from start to finish. Why? Well, you want it to be long enough to get your child calmed down, relaxed, and ready for sleep. Plus, bedtime is a wonderful way to spend time bonding with your child. For many parents, it’s the best “quality time” you’ll spend with your child all day! However, if you let your bedtime routine drag on for too long, you risk letting your child get overtired, which makes falling asleep MUCH more difficult! TIP #3: NO SUGAR OR TELEVISION RIGHT BEFORE BED Yes, I know this one sounds “preachy,” but if you’re giving your child sweets (or juice) right before bed, it’s going to be harder for him to fall asleep. Same thing goes for letting a child watch TV right before bed. The juice or sweets will give him a “sugar rush” of jittery energy, which is the LAST thing we want before bedtime. And watching TV or playing on the computer can (for lots of children) overstimulate them, so I recommend NOT letting your child watch TV as part of your bedtime routine. THE BIGGEST BEDTIME MISTAKE… As promised, I also want to share the single biggest bedtime mistake that parents make. It’s simply this… Letting your child doze off BEFORE you put them into bed. Now, I know it’s tempting for many parents to let their child fall asleep while rocking, bouncing, or feeding. After all, for many babies, this is the way they’ve ALWAYS gotten to sleep. Unfortunately, it’s also the reason why they tend to wake frequently in the night. If you’re interested in learning some easy strategies for getting your child to fall asleep on their own at night (rather than being rocked nursed, or otherwise soothed to sleep by you), I’d love to chat further!

July 29, 2016

Could you be the reason for your child cheating?

Mrs M, with her short straight black hair and angular face, peered suspiciously at us, pacing the grade five class, blurting out English words at timed intervals. It was our job to translate these into Afrikaans and spell them correctly within the allocated time. I’d studied for the test as I always did and I probably could have aced it. But I was afraid. You see, I’d confused praise with love and I believed that if I failed that love would be withdrawn. Love: The lifeblood of every child. And so I cheated. The vocab for the week was posted up at the back of the class and I snuck a look at every opportunity. I thought I got away with it. Then the next day, there she was pacing the class again, this time calling out the marks for everyone to hear as she handed back test papers. Starting from the highest mark to the lowest. Full marks. Not me. Ok, I must be next. Nine out of ten. Not my name. Come on, come one. 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1. Zero. Slam, my paper lands on my desk. The whole class goes silent. Somebody gasps. She grabs my wrist and pulls me out of the class to discuss my crime in privacy. ‘Why?’ I wonder after she has already humiliated me. I start to cry. I don’t stop for hours. By the end of the day she calls me back into her class, says she thinks I have learned my lesson and tears up the paper. I never cheat again. But not because I’ve somehow become more moral from the experience, but because my terror at losing that love has just intensified. It’s one thing to not do well but cheating and getting zero would definitely be the end of me. I wondered later what those teachers must have thought of my parents. They probably thought that if I went home to get my test signed I’d have had a beating. But the beating I believed I would’ve gotten was way worse than any physical pain. It was the beating of rejection of my being. There was no way I could stand that. No child could. And so I empathize with children who cheat. I wonder what fear has brought them to that point. I wonder why parents and the schooling system are so focused on marks that they forget the real reason for testing a skill – To see if the work has been taught properly and understood. I wonder why nobody explains this to children, and why report cards and test scores are held up as measures of self worth. I wonder too why we berate children for cheating without acknowledging this trait in ourselves. How we ignore our own failures when we cheat on our diet or cheat on our spouse, cheat our employers out of time as we scour Facebook or cheat the tax man to save a few bucks. How is it that we expect our children to have higher moral standards than ourselves. Why are we are unable to look past their misdemeanors and see the fear and pain and panic just below the surface? What are we teaching them really? The brain is a very efficient organ. It will always find the quickest path to a desired result. If it perceives that the quickest way to get love and approval is to cheat (rather than to risk trying the honest way and possibly failing) then cheating will happen. Is your child’s fastest way to love and approval through good marks? Then you’re setting them up for cheating at some point in their lives. Think about the messages that you are giving with your praise or bribery, or with your withholding of affection when kids don’t do well. If we want our children to pass honestly, then we need to change the messages that we’re giving them around what testing means, around their true worth regardless of performance, and around the unwavering love that we have for them regardless of their behavior.

July 28, 2016

5 Things to do to avoid hearing NO

It is incredibly frustrating when our child says “NO” to us. If we react to it, they could feel more powerful than we want them to, causing them to do it more often. Often times, they are saying no as a way of communicating that they need to feel more powerful. We want our children to have the power to say no to others, so we must be careful how we handle their objections at home. Here are five methods to gain a child’s cooperation. Don’t Overreact When They Tell You No. Overreacting gives your children inappropriate power and may anger you. If they refuse to comply, turn your original request into an entertaining activity in order to get it done. Race them to the bath or tell them you’re going to pick up more puzzle pieces then they will. If you find yourself becoming angry, walk away and let it go, and use one of the following ideas next time to be more successful. Use Choices Instead of Commands. Giving a child a choice rules out “no” as an automatic response. Instead of saying “Go get your pajamas on,” say, “Would you like to wear your pink pajamas or the ones with little ducks on them?” List Choices of Chores for Older Children. Instead of ordering your child to rake the leaves or take out the trash, create a list of 3 or 4 reasonable tasks that you could use help with, being sure that what you really want is on the list. Tell your child that you need his help and all he has to do is pick one or two things from the list. Be ready to remain calm in case he doesn’t pick what you really wanted, so make sure that you’re comfortable with all of the choices listed. Say “I’m Not Ready for You to do That.” Because she will repeat what you say, avoid using the word “no” yourself. If she asks to do something that might be dangerous or something you’re not ready for her to do, say it. Tell her that you’re “not ready for her to do that,” instead of judging her age, size or abilities. It also avoids power struggles, labels and arguments; instead, it models respect. Say “I’m Not Willing To Do That.” Saying “No” to your child when he asks you to do something for him, such as take him to the park or buy him something, models a behavior that he will repeat. Replacing the word “No” with the statement above demonstrates a personal boundary and is not just a challenge for him to make you say “Yes.” If you must say the word “No,” be sure to say it in a way that is calm and respectful. If you yell “No” at your child, he will repeat it in the same way.

July 20, 2016

5 Steps to study success for working parents

In today’s challenging economy, many parents are taking on further studies, often in an effort to better provide for their families after graduating. But studying while having to balance work and family responsibilities is not for the faint of heart, and could have a detrimental effect not only on the existing family budget, but also the general wellbeing of a family, if not approached with a clear strategy. “In the past, people studied in a particular discipline and were largely committed to that for life,” says Tammy Oppenheim, Head of Programme: Faculty of Humanities at The Independent Institute of Education, SA’s largest and most accredited private higher education provider. “But in 2016, the landscape has altered completely. People are exposed to a great deal more information and experiences, and many choose to alter their career path, which may require further study later in life. Even for those who stay in their selected field, study is vital to ensure they remain relevant and up-to-date on the requirements of your field,” she says. “If approached correctly, further study can fast-track a career and give access to promotions or financial rewards that would have been otherwise unachievable.” In addition to financial reward, a change of career path and upwards mobility can also contribute beneficially to self-esteem and self-actualisation, helping parents to be the best role-models they can be for their children, says Oppenheim. “Modelling life-long learning and good study habits can help your children on their own study path and also provide valuable common ground and conversation opportunities, particularly in the teenage years. But to successfully handle the increased pressure and demands study brings to the family dynamic, everyone needs to be on the same page.” So what can parents do to make a success of further study while keeping up with their parental responsibilities? Oppenheim says there are 5 important facets to making it work: DO YOUR RESEARCH Choose an academic institution that caters to your needs as a parent, such as those offering part-time and distance studies. Attending lectures on the weekend or from the comfort of your own home gives greater flexibility, especially for parents who work full-time. Smaller academic institutions also tend to offer greater individual support and flexibility, both of which are invaluable to a busy parent. HAVE A PLAN B IN PLACE FOR EVERY EVENTUALITY Arrange for back-up childcare for those times when you are absolutely unavailable, for instance when you have an exam or presentation scheduled, just in case your original plans fall through. BE HONEST WITH YOUR CHILDREN Explain what you are studying and why, and show your children the value of a life-long-learning philosophy. School-age children often take great pleasure in having learning as a common interest with parents. Sitting together for study-time is both good bonding-time and a great way to model good study habits for your children. MENTALLY COMPARTMENTALISE People are complex. An individual may be a mother, a worker, a student, a spouse and a friend all at the same time. However, it can be daunting to have your head-space filled up with all of your roles at the same time. Careful scheduling can help avoid this. Carve out blocks of time for each of your responsibilities, and don’t allow guilt or distraction from one area to intrude when you are focusing on another area. GET SUPPORT Taking on tertiary studies as a parent will be challenging and time-consuming and can feel isolating and overwhelming. Speak to fellow students with children, join an online parenting forum and seek out others who are going through the same experience. Simply verbalising your challenges can be helpful, but chances are there may also be some useful advice in response. “When you are in the middle of an exam period and your little one has a cold and wants to be held all night, and your boss is drowning you in work, it can feel overwhelming and never-ending. But it is important to remind yourself that your studies have an end-date,” says Oppenheim. “Visualise your journey: In one week I will have finished my first set of exams; in 6 months I will have finished my research proposal; in two years I will be walking across the stage at my graduation. Studying is not going to be easy; but it is most definitely going to be worth it.”

July 19, 2016

Parents most at risk for colds and flu

As South Africa braces itself for another onslaught of cold and flu infections this winter season, the biggest risk factor for catching the common cold is having children under the age 12. So says leading colds and flu generic medicine provider, Pharma Dynamics. According to Mariska van Aswegen, spokesperson for Pharma Dynamics, parents fall ill almost twice as much as anyone else. “Young children are a reservoir of germs and if they’re at crèche, school or anyplace else where they are around other children, they’re in a super-virus environment, which makes them the perfect vectors for illness and for passing viruses around. Kids hug, touch and cough all over each other. They chew on toys and as a result share their saliva, and then parents hug, kiss and cuddle them. It’s no wonder that the average parent catches a cold more compared to those without children,” she says. A recent study conducted by the University of Utah’s School of Medicine confirms this notion. They found that families with two, three or four children have some type of virus present in their household just under 60% of the time, whereas childless households were only infected with viruses three to four weeks of the year. Each additional child in a household increased a family member’s risk of falling ill. Households with one child tested positive about 18 weeks of the year, while families with more than four children tested positive about 45 weeks of the year – that’s a whopping 87% of the time. Van Aswegen adds that parents who live with small children are 1.5 times more likely to be sick since children under the age of five tend to have at least one virus present in their mucus 50% of the time. “As we enter another cold and flu season it is imperative that those at risk, especially parents of younger children, give their immune systems a boost, whilst adequately protecting themselves from sources of cross-infection. But for a parent with little ones, it’s difficult to take care of yourself when you’re ill, since you have to take care of everyone else. This makes the recovery process so much harder (and unpleasant). “I often get asked whether there is any sense in trying to stop the spread of infection by wearing a mask for example, but the best and most practical way of protecting yourself (and your family), is to practise proper handwashing techniques and to do so often. This could reduce the chances of catching your child’s cold by 30 to 50%. Another way is to stay out of waiting rooms in doctor’s offices, emergency rooms and the shops, and to avoid public transport as much as possible. Also use your judgement about your own situation. If you are pregnant and have had several bouts of flu or have a newborn, you may actually want to wear a mask. “Besides eating your greens, getting enough sleep is another critical factor in fighting off colds and flu. Research tells us that people who sleep six hours or less a night are four times more likely to catch a cold when exposed to a virus, compared to those who get in more than seven hours a night. Most parents probably don’t get enough Zs, but it’s vital to our wellbeing, so try to carefully plan your day to ensure enough time is spent in slumber land,” she advises. Van Aswegen says keeping a clean and dust-free house is equally important. “It might also be worth getting an air filter to clean and purify the air in your home, especially if you’ve experienced wave after wave of illness in your household. “In truth, there is no cure for the common cold or flu, but time-deprived parents may benefit from supplements that can boost their immune system. Look for one’s that contain Vitamin C, zinc and Echinacea, which when used in combination are excellent at combating colds and flu, such as Efferflu C Immune Booster. She says that if you do catch your child’s cold, there is an upside to all of this shared illness business. “Once a child starts to develop a functioning immune system, at about six months, then the exposure to general viruses and germs isn’t necessarily a bad thing since it helps build and stimulate the immune system. It’s important to remember that a child’s immune system will only be fully developed between 12 to 14 years of age, when they finally reach adult levels of antibody formation, so you may be in for a tough few years, but as the children grow up it will help them fight other infections and stay healthier in the long-run,” concludes van Aswegen.

July 13, 2016

Parental Control report reveals chats, games and narcotics most popular among children

Kaspersky Lab’s latest report shows that children around the world spend most of their time online using communication tools such as social networks, email, chats, etc. (accounting for 67% of online activity). Globally, gaming portals (11%) and websites containing information about alcohol, narcotics and tobacco (9%) came second and third, respectively. At the same time, there is a noticeable difference between children’s interests in different countries. In South Africa, the figures are as follows: Social networks (56%) Email (12%) Chats (6%) Gaming (9%) Drugs (7%) The report, covering 12 months, shows anonymised statistics from Kaspersky Lab solutions for Windows PCs and Macs with the Parental Control module switched on, and presents the share of visits or attempted visits to websites with potentially harmful content that fall under one of the 14 preset categories*. The statistics show that during the reporting period, children cut back on visits to communication media and adult-themed websites. This trend can be explained by children moving most of their sensitive activities to mobile devices, which were not covered in the report. The “Internet communication media” category was most popular in Mexico (86%), Russia, Brazil and Italy (all slightly more than 70%). The least communicative during this period were children in China (30%), Germany (31%) and the UK (32%). Interestingly, the less popular this category was in a country, the more popular the “Computer games” category was. Children in the UK (28%), Germany (26%) and Australia (21%) are most likely to play online, while children from Mexico (4%), Italy (6%) and Japan (7%) do so less frequently. When it comes to watching videos, listening to music and downloading software, kids in Japan are the clear leaders (12% of all Parental Control notifications). They are also more likely to shop online (17%), as are children and teenagers in China (20%). The category “Alcohol, tobacco and narcotics” racked up the most notifications in Germany (23%) and the UK (25%). In its turn, adult content generated most interest among children in China (23%) and Japan (5%). This topic was of least interest in the UK and the US (both less than 1%). “The popularity of certain types of websites among children in different countries can be linked to each country’s cultural traits and economic conditions. We see that children are becoming more self-reliant online: they choose what music to listen to, what movies and cartoons to watch, and what software to install. This independence is great, but on the Web, as well as in real life, it is necessary to guide youngsters and teach them how to behave wisely, safely and responsibly. We at Kaspersky Lab believe that to prevent encounters with harmful content, parents need to combine a comprehensive security solution with constant communication. Conversations educate young users about online threats and help to build trusting relationships in families, while security solutions provide a basis for such conversations and a safe environment for all the family,” says Anna Larkina, Senior Web Content Analyst at Kaspersky Lab. The Kaspersky Total Security – multi-device and Kaspersky Internet Security – multi-device consumer solutions include a Parental Control module to help adults protect their children against online threats and block any sites or apps with inappropriate content. Kaspersky Lab also offers the Safe Kids solution that allows parents to monitor what their children do, see or search for online across all devices, and to show them what is dangerous or inappropriate online.

July 12, 2016

Gorillas, Alligators and Compassion

Accidents happen. All the time. Yet another occurred this week. Another toddler with an animal – first it was the gorilla, then the alligator. And now the internet is alive with criticisms, articles, and perfect people. Compassion and tolerance, people, what happened to those? I am so tired of the posts about the gorilla. I even saw a meme with a picture of Harambe – or some random gorilla probably – that said “I had to die because some stupid b!tch wasn’t watching her kid”. Honestly? I wonder if the person who created that meme would actually have the mettle to say that to that mother’s face. Easy to be opinionated behind a screen, isn’t it? So black and white. Save the endangered gorilla and let the 4yr old die – I mean there are hundreds of those roaming the planet. And now they are killing alligators to try find a body to give those poor parents some closure. But that is ok? Both horrendous accidents, although one ended very tragically. And yet, people point fingers. At everyone. The zoo, the children, the resort, and the parents. Mostly the parents. Good grief people. What is wrong with us? Have we lost the ability to be compassionate? Let the person who has never had an accident happen throw the first stone. I challenge anyone to take care of a toddler and see if you can get through one day – hell, in some cases, one HOUR – without having to run at least once to save them from a fateful end! Whether it’s them rushing after a ball that runs into a road, or climbing an electric gate that is about to open, or putting some garden fertiliser in their mouth… or even a peanut, which can be deadly for an allergic child… or stopping them from climbing up a bookshelf that could quite easily fall forward on top of them. I guarantee you small children will head boldly and ignorantly into the threat of imminent danger without a second thought for consequence. That is how they operate. That is how they learn. The prefrontal cortex does not develop until much later and only then can they project possible outcomes without actually experiencing them. I mean, do we honestly think any parent would blatantly ignore the dangers that present themselves daily to their children? I have three boys. I promise you accidents happen. Fortunately for most of us, those crazy moments that could otherwise have ended in disaster, end in a last minute save. They make for hilarious dinner time tales that everyone laughs at and then says, “Sheesh! Imagine if you didn’t get there in time!” Well, this little boy’s mom did NOT get there in time. And that father was not able to save his boy. These incidents didn’t end in hilarious dinner stories. These incidents were not one of those last minute saves. But we weren’t there. We don’t know what exactly happened. We don’t know if those parents tried to stop their children or if they warned him off. We just don’t know. And sadly, accidents happen. In this case, tragedy. But who are we to sit here and point fingers? To judge those parents? We were not there. We don’t know how many times that mom may have said “Stay away from the railings!” Or if that dad had said, “Don’t go in the water!” I know that my children don’t always listen first time when I say something. Do yours? So let’s be more compassionate. Let’s put ourselves in their shoes for a minute. Who knows how any of this is going to pan out for any of them? But one thing is clear – they are all forever changed. They are all heartbroken. And they all did what they believed was best at the time. That ‘negligent’ mom you seem to be judging, that ‘irresponsible’ father who you just cannot believe ‘allowed’ that to happen. It could have been any one of us. Accidents happen. We need to find our compassion again. We need to not be so black and white. The world is a multi-coloured spectrum where no one can actually judge another because no one has actually walked the exact footsteps of that person. We were not there. We don’t know. Stop judging other parents.

July 5, 2016

Winter skincare tips for your baby

One minute you’re wondering if the blistering heat will ever come to an end and the next you’re leaving home in the dark bundled in layers of warmth. It’s May and autumn has taken hold in South Africa. When it comes to your young ones, the changing seasons bring unwelcome bouts of colds and flu – which are often connected to skin ailments. Su-Marie Annandale from baby skincare brand Krayons has the following tips for common autumn and winter skin ailments: Chapped cheeks and nose can often occur from continued running, and wiping of your child’s nose. Annandale suggests taking a facecloth soaked in warm water and gently dabbing the affected area. Once the skin is warm, apply Krayons Aqueous Cream gently in upward stokes until it has been absorbed. Follow this same routine two to three times a day to help your little one avoid chapped cheeks. Heat rash sometimes happens when your babe is wrapped up too warmly. You’ll see itchy red bumps arising from the clogging of sweat glands. The best way to combat this is to dress your baby in breathable layers so that one or two layers can be removed if the weather warms-up. Watch out for overheating, especially in little babies. Take time to pamper at bath time. Use this special time with your children to really indulge their skin. In winter, use Krayons Aqueous cream before the bath and rub generously onto your child’s skin. Make sure that the water isn’t too hot and avoid harsh soap products on their skin in the winter months (when skin is especially dry). Once bath time is over, pat the skin dry and apply another layer of cream before dressing. Finish off with a quick swipe of Krayons petroleum jelly on their lips. Don’t forget to use sunscreen throughout the year. The sun can cause unnecessary damage to young skin in summer and winter. Annandale says that your child’s skincare routine in the winter months should be more proactive than reactive. “Keeping your baby or child’s skin adequately moisturised in the cold will make sure that many skin ailments are avoided.” The full range of Krayons products are available at all major retail outlets for between R7,99 for the Krayons soap bar to R32,99 for the 500ml Petroleum Jelly. Ends. Follow Krayons on Facebook : www.facebook.com/krayonsbabies

June 23, 2016

Ten things to do before baby arrives

Well, here I sit, 38, almost 39 weeks pregnant, can you believe it?! The last few weeks are a bit of a roller-coaster of emotions and general craziness: getting all our last ducks in a row before baby arrives, thinking about labour, wondering if I’m going to be a good mom and in Dan and my case, starting to pack up our home. Madness. The last thing you want is to be running around like a headless chicken when you already have so much on your mind (and to do list), so here are my top 10 things to do before your kiddo is in your arms. Finish baby’s room: Get all the painting and assembling and decorating done. It’s a lot of work and I promise you, you will not feel like doing it when you the kid inside of you feels as if it weighs about 20kg and is about to drop out any second. Dan and I aimed to have the room done by the end of my second trimester, and we did… Only to buy a new house that we will be moving into a week or so after baby is due. Yes, we are crazy, don’t be like us. Wash all the baby clothes: “They’re so tiny, how many loads could this possibly be?” I thought to myself one Sunday afternoon. Turns out, 4 loads. Yes 4 loads of baby clothes and blankets and anything else washable. And then another 4 loads after my baby shower. That’s 8 loads to shove in the washing machine, 8 loads to hang up and 8 loads to fold (incredibly neatly if you’re anything like me) and put away. I hate laundry on any normal day, and despite this clothing being so darn cute, by the third load you’re pretty much over it. So block out a week and just do one or two loads a day. Don’t forget to buy the baby washing liquid and if you use softener, use white vinegar instead. Sort out maternity and paternity leave: I don’t have experience in applying for maternity leave and the UIF process that goes along with it but it seems like a mission, especially the UIF part, so my advice would be to get the process going as soon as you can. I know there are agencies that will deal with the nitty gritty for you so definitely consider using them if you can to avoid some stress. When it comes to paternity leave, I think most company’s give 2 or 3 working days. Chat to your partner about when the best time to take those days would be: do you want to use them around the birth or only start the leave the day you return home from the hospital? Try to figure out what will work best for you both as well as baby. Of course, if the employer allows it, you can extend this leave by using annual leave as well. It made me feel so much more at ease once Dan’s paternity leave was booked, knowing that he would be around and knowing exactly when he would be going back to work. Have sex: Yes, there, I said it. Look, I’m not saying that you need to keep to your pre-pregnancy, bend like a pretzel, kitchen counter top ways; but what I am saying is that when the mood strikes, even if ever so slightly, go with it. We all know that sex releases the happy hormones but what is even more important (to me anyway) is that it makes you and your partner feel connected and close again. Besides the normal day-to-day stresses of everyday life, you are both also dealing with the stresses that pregnancy brings and this often tends to take over the relationship forcing intimacy to take a bit of a back seat. If something as simple as sex can help you reconnect, I say do it, quite literally. Yes, you probably feel like you need a forklift to move you and you definitely need to be a bit more creative now that you have a belly in the way, but it’s so worth it.* Have your baby shower: I loved my baby shower so much, I had all my favourite gals with me and it was just a divine morning of food and chatting. What I loved most about my baby shower though, is that I was still able to enjoy it and wasn’t trying to mask uncomfortable Braxton Hicks or acid reflux that seems to now be plaguing me in the last few days. I was about 34 weeks when I had mine and I think anything between 32 weeks and then is a good time. You don’t want to be exhausted and uncomfortable when you should be having a good time if you have it too late. Go shopping and get cooking: I can’t imagine cooking and preparing meals being too high on the priority list once baby is here. What I’ve done is make a few frozen meals that I can whip out after we’ve had Corn Flakes 4 nights in a row. Another good idea is to stock up on your non-perishables. Stuff like tea, coffee, toilet paper, items that won’t go off. I think that this is pretty important – I don’t think you or your partner are going to feel like zooting off to the shops, and if you have a c-section, you usually can’t drive for 6 weeks so going to the shops might not even be an option. On that note though, if you haven’t signed up for online shopping, maybe do that so that if you do need something and can’t get to the shops, you can order online. I would suggest Woolworths and Pick ‘n Pay for groceries and Dischem for goodies for baby. Pack the hospital bags: I won’t go into this too much as I have already done two blog posts and two YouTube videos on

June 20, 2016

Nurturing Mom

Did you know that nature supports mothers taking time out for themselves? And that if you mess with nature you end up actually being a less-caring mother – on a PHYSICAL level? We have a little hormone running through us called Oxytocin. You might remember it from your pregnancy and birth – it’s the one that facilitates birth and helps with lactation and bonding with your baby. It is even sometimes referred to as the “bonding hormone”. Now most mothers forget about Oxytocin once they’ve weaned their babies. So what most don’t know is that Oxytocin is decreased by what I will call “over-care”. When you give and give and give and look after everyone else’s needs and not your own and put yourself last and tire yourself out. When you come to that point where your husband asks you for a bit of loving and you shout back at him “I just have nothing left to give!!!” you know you’re running out of Oxytocin. Nature does not want you to be self-sacrificing. Or to give up on the things that bring you pleasure and rejuvenation. In fact, if your Oxytocin levels drop too low you won’t even bond with your kids anymore. You can feel tired, drained, pessimistic and sucked-dry and you may even consider eating your offspring (or at least trying to send them back from where they came!). We need Oxytocin to empathise with, trust and love other human beings (including our own kids). So if you’re already feeling like a murderous mom, here are some things that you can do to nurture yourself and at the same time up your Oxytocin levels and help yourself and your entire family: Get loads of hugs. From anyone and everyone. 8 hugs a day – minimum! Hold hands and make eye contact. With your kids, your spouse, your friends. Even a handshake will release small amounts of Oxytocin. Long candlelit dinners gazing into your loved-one’s eyes are better. Watch a chick-flick! Tearjerkers are awesome Oxytocin stimulators. Join a choir or go to a karaoke night with your friends. Singing in company makes our oxytocin sing too. Take up the Tango. Or any kind of partner dancing that takes your fancy. Do something scary – jump out of a plane, ride a rollercoaster, shoot guns. Take a walk with a friend. Give and accept love and gifts. Spend time with your girlfriends. If you can’t get out to connect, at least pop onto Facebook and connect with your friends virtually. Eat bananas, eggs and peppers. Listen to soothing music. Breathe deeply. Make sure you are taking time out everyday to nurture yourself and your Oxytocin and you will be a much more empathetic, kind, caring mother. So the next time your partner asks you why you are going out AGAIN for a girl’s movie, dinner and dancing evening, tell him it is essential for the survival of your children!

June 16, 2016

Super mom or Scary mom

I am an amazing mother. I’m also a pretty damn shocking one. I am calm and patient and understanding. I’m also short tempered and irritable and impatient. I do things that build my kids up… and I do things that break them down. Sound familiar? Or are you still seeing yourself through the lens of super mom or scary mom? Do you have yourself on a pedestal or in a pit? Are you tooting your own horn or dragging yourself though the mud? The truth is, we all have all traits. We’re all sometimes fantastic and sometimes terrible. We’re all sometimes dependable and sometimes unavailable, sometimes present and sometimes distracted, sometimes kind and sometimes cruel. There’s no getting away from it. You are a human being, and like all human beings you have all traits. Not that this is good or bad either. Even our so-called “bad” traits have their place in the world and in parenting. When we look at someone and fantasise that they are some kind of a super mom, what we are doing is firstly focusing only on their good traits (they have the opposite too, I promise, even if you’re not seeing it right now) and then being too humble to admit that we have those same good traits that they do. We may display these traits at a different time or even in a different way, but we have them. We do the same then when we label someone as a scary mom. We focus in on their bad traits (and ignore the good ones that are definitely there too) and we’re too proud to see that we have those ”bad” traits too. It’s actually a really helpful life lesson to do this. The people in our worlds will reflect to us the traits that we are too proud or humble to see in ourselves. If we can stop in those moments and find those traits, we will gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and will be more patient and loving with ourselves, our children, and everyone else. So what makes someone a “good” parent then? If there were such a thing, I would say it would be someone who both acknowledges and embraces all traits in themselves, in their partner and in their kids; who allows themselves and their family to be normal and human and to express all their traits. Too often, as parents, we are expecting ourselves or our children to only display one half of our nature – to be always good, kind, loving, generous, patient, respectful, truthful, trustworthy, helpful, humble, focused, charming, fun, and meticulous. Nobody can be expected to live that out on a day-to-day basis – it’s a recipe for rebellion at least and insanity at worst. Every one of us is also lazy, rude, impulsive, quarrelsome, malicious, stingy, bossy, unfriendly, self-centred, arrogant, obnoxious and sullen. When we stop judging these traits as “bad” and see them as part of the colourful array of human traits that we’ve all been given, we’ll start moving away from self-judgement, guilt and self-minimization and start moving towards wholeness. We will also stop punishing our children for being human and will help them to grow up with a healthy self-image. Let us embrace both super mom and scary mom and stop judging ourselves as being anything less than the perfectly multifaceted beings that we are.

June 16, 2016

Time for bed!

An eye-opening estimated 70% of children are not getting enough sleep or enough quality sleep these days! Keep reading to find out what this is doing and how to help them and yourself, as a parent, rest easier! The amount of sleep a child needs varies depending on age and health, but here is a quick guideline to help you gauge how much sleep your child ideally needs! Age Sleep hours needed per day 1-4 Weeks 15 – 16 1-4 Months 14 – 15 4-12 Months 14 – 15 1-3 Years 12 – 14 3-6 Years 10 – 12 7-12 Years 10 – 11 12-18 Years 8 – 9 So, why do we our children need regular, quality sleep? Sleep serves a critical role in our health and well-being and gives your body a rest, allowing it to prepare for the next day. Every movement we make uses vital resources and creates minuscule wear and tear for our bodies. At night, while we sleep, our body finally gets the chance to rebuild itself. While we are awake, our minds are barraged from input from 5 senses, as well as constantly using thought, logic, creativity, and creating memories. Sleep gives the brain the time it needs to sort out and store information, replace chemicals, and solve problems. If you are having a hard time trying to get your kids to sleep as much as they should, here are a few age-appropriate tips to give you a hand: Newborns Observe baby’s sleep patterns and identify signs of sleepiness. Put your baby in the crib when drowsy, before they fall asleep. Place your baby to sleep on their back with face clear of blankets and other soft items. Infants Develop regular daytime and bedtime schedules. Create a consistent and enjoyable bedtime routine, such as reading to them or singing. Make their space “sleep friendly” environment, with soft lighting. Toddlers Maintain a sleep schedule and consistent bedtime routine. Make the bedroom environment the same every night, without much change. Encourage use of a “sleep pal” such as a blanket or stuffed animal. Preschoolers Have a relaxing bedtime routine that ends in the room where the child sleeps. Child should sleep in the same sleeping environment every night, in a room that is cool, quiet and dark, without a TV. School-aged Children Teach them about healthy sleep habits and why sleep is important. Make child’s bedroom conducive to sleep – dark, cool and quiet. Avoid caffeine and sugary food and drink.

June 15, 2016

Your child is never too young to learn about online safety

From a young age, children today are curious about accessing the Internet. In fact, more often than not, we find that our children have a better understanding and know more about our devices around the household than we do. And as they grow, they become very savvy about how to use technology to remain in constant contact with friends. If you are a parent who have children over 10, I am sure you will agree that they are constantly on their phone, PC or tablet (if they have these devices), chatting to friends online, playing games or researching information for a school project. While these devices are great and allow our kids to connect to a host of new and interesting information, there are of course a number of potential dangers that your child could face while they are using these devices to connect online. For example, accessing Wi-Fi – be it at home or in a public space where public Wi-Fi is available – might seem ‘easy or safe’ enough. However, without the right online protection this small act could mean that your child becomes vulnerable to cybercriminals – especially if they are accessing public Wi-Fi that is open and not protected. Why? Well, open Wi-Fi generally does not have the necessary security in place, which means that cybercriminals can hack into your child’s computer or mobile phone, over this open connection and can gain access to a plethora of information/images and data about your child and yourself. In fact more often than not, cyber criminals use a public Wi-Fi space as an ‘easy’ opportunity to steal confidential information from devices – information like passwords, pictures from social media or even their instant messages may be shared. While being connected is part of our daily lives, as parents, we must remember that any Wi-Fi access point is a window to the Internet for any device attached to it. It’s not only PCs or tablets that we have to worry about – your child can connect to public Wi-Fi via their mobile devices, which if compromised, can inadvertently lead them to dangerous content sites; invite them to download infected files (where they think it’s a new game upgrade) or even enter data on a phishing page. The possibilities for exposure are endless. However, it is not all doom and gloom. There are a few tips that can be followed to educate children about being savvy online, especially while using public Wi-Fi. Use 3G cards to access the Internet. If you are at an airport or at a coffee shop and your child wants to connect to the public Wi-Fi, rather give them your 3G Internet card to use, which, already has the necessary protection in place. Alternatively, if you do want to use the Wi-Fi in public venues, make sure that the Wi-Fi network is password protected. Enforce Virtual Private Networks (VPN) on your child’s mobile phone. VPNs provide a secure connection over the Internet between your child and websites they connect to. This means it encrypts the data exchanged across that connection. This can assist with protecting your child’s online activities while they are connected to the Internet as well as the content they can have access to – keeping them safe from cybercriminals. Try, whenever possible, to avoid letting your child connect to public Wi-Fi –rather ask your child not to use the public Wi-Fi and encourage them to play games offline. Implement a reliable security solution on all the devices that your children make use of, to ensure proper protection exists against all emerging threats. Parents should also consider solutions that incorporate a parental control feature, to allow you to set website access restrictions – ensuring that your children are not exposed to potentially harmful content. Education – teach your kids about Wi-Fi and the differences between open access, public and private Wi-Fi. The more your child is aware of these differences, the more they will understand if they can, and should, connect when they are out with friends. As public Wi-Fi is readily available, it is essential that as a parent you take the time to note these realities and spend time educating your children on the potential dangers that come with connecting to open Wi-Fi. Don’t let yourself, or your children, fall prey to cybercrime.

June 9, 2016

Divorce and children

Telling my children that their mom and I were getting divorced was probably the hardest conversation I have ever had. My son Luke was 11 at the time and my daughter Blythe 8. My heart broke as I looked into their sad, shocked eyes. It took everything I had to stop my tears from flowing. Their lives were being turned upside down by the two people they trusted and relied on most in the world. Divorce is a difficult and painful reality which affects almost half of everyone who gets married. Tragically it’s our children’s hearts that are so often caught in the crossfire of negative emotions that come with divorce. This is not an article on how and why to avoid divorce, or the merits of staying together or not for the kids, it’s an article on how to love, protect, nurture and equip children through divorce. If there is one thing I have learnt as a parent it’s that it is not about us it’s about our children. They are not there for us, we are there for them. We brought them into the world and it’s up to us to look after them. Whatever the reason a divorce takes place and regardless of who was most to blame,when we fail to keep our marriage together, which I did, our primary responsibility as parents remains the nurture, care and protection of our children. After I saw first hand the impact my announcement had on my children I vowed to do everything in my power to protect them from the harmful emotional effect of our divorce. It’s very easy during a divorce to become so immersed in our own emotions and self preservation that our children take a backseat. The reality is they need us more than ever. The break up of a family is a major trauma for children and we as their parents are in the strange position of being both the cause of their distress and their source of strength and security during it. Here are eight things I learnt through my own experience that can help children deal with divorce: Let them know that it’s not their fault. As irrational as it may seem, children often feel that somehow they are to blame when a family splits apart. Make sure they understand that this is mom and dad’s fault and they are not responsible in any way. Never put your children in a position where they need to choose between mom or dad. Don’t blame. Your children need both of you and they don’t want either one of you to be the villain. This is your stuff not theirs, keep it that way and do everything you can to ensure your children maintain a great relationship with both of you. Reassure them that everything will be okay. Let them know that even though the living arrangements will be changing you still love them deeply and will be present in their lives. Explain to them that they will have two homes where they will be loved and accepted completely. Help them deal with the change by talking about it. They need to mourn the passing of how life was and adjust to how life will be. The more they are able to talk about the changes and express themselves the quicker they will be able to accept and process the transition. Help them identify their feelings. No matter what they say they will be going through pain and confusion and you need to help them deal with this. Find a way to get into their hearts and minds and truly see and hear what they are thinking and feeling. The younger they are the more challenging this will be as young children don’t have the emotional understanding and maturity to identify their emotions, nor do they have the vocabulary to express them. You may need to enlist the help of an expert such as a counsellor or art therapist. Validate their feelings. Let them know that what they are feeling is normal and okay. Children often experience guilt when feeling anything negative towards their parents and will hide or suppress their emotions. Yet in a divorce they have every right to feel negative emotions towards us; we are responsible for breaking up the world as they know it. After my divorce I realised that Luke was feeling very angry with me and his mom but he felt confused and guilty about what he was feeling. I let him know that it was okay to feel that way, that he had every right to be angry. Help them process their feelings appropriately. Their unspoken question will be; ok so I realise I’m angry and it’s ok to be angry but what do I do with my anger? Again you may need to enlist the help of an expert or older mentor. In Luke’s case I asked him to forgive me and his mom and gave him the space to express and feel his anger. Often an angry child will take his frustration out in inappropriate ways like bullying, self-harm or other destructive behaviours. Helping your child to deal appropriately with emotions will set him or her free from harmful thoughts and behaviors and grow their emotional intelligence. Get your children involved in a divorce recovery programme. There are churches, community centers and counseling groups that offer programmes specifically for children going through a divorce. These can be very beneficial in assisting children to deal with their emotions and equipping them with the tools to handle the change. By taking theses eight actions, prioritizing your children’s hearts and staying deeply involved in their lives it’s possible to minimize the trauma of divorce and turn it into a powerful growth experience for both you and them.

June 9, 2016

Healthy is Happy is Healthy

Your child’s health and happiness are essentially two sides of the same coin. We sometimes feel that giving children what they want – sugary treats, screen time, toys – will make them happy. And who does not want to bring joy to their most precious little human, right? However, we tend to harm our children’s health in this process of pleasing, which ironically rather impedes their happiness. If you invest in health, happiness will flow from it. And the happier a child is, the healthier they are in turn – a beautiful upward spiral! When it comes to a kid’s contentment, we need to start thinking long-term rather than giving in to those instant, but very fleeting, feel-good fixes. Happiness often lies in temporary displeasure, so tough out the tantrums, manage the manipulation and enjoy the more steadfast state of serenity! Areas to focus on when you prioritise your child’s health might by now seem like that worn-out notice behind the bathroom door that you still find yourself reading each day. Yet, before we have reached perfection in parenthood (which have the same odds as owning a unicorn), we cannot be reminded enough. Eat, drink and be merry! Your little human simply cannot fully flourish on a faulty diet. Nutrition works like farming: what you put into the soil (e.g. pumpkin seeds) will deliver a correlating crop (in this case – pumpkins). Likewise, if you put good stuff into your child, you will grow good stuff, but if you fill them with nonsense, you will have to put up with a produce of nonsense too. Daily provisions of processed foods, refined grains, sugar and harmful additives are going to affect your child’s body and brain negatively. This will eventually show in his functioning, behaviour and mood. Vegetables (especially the green kind), unprocessed proteins, good fats and fruit (in proportionally less servings than the veggies) are really what your children (and you!) need to operate optimally. Be wary of anything that is not consumed very close to its natural state. Messing with nature’s way – like most modern diets do – also messes up a person’s nature! Concentration difficulties, hyperactivity, depressed moods, anxiety and other childhood problems are often (at least partially) associated with diet. It is just too easy to fill our little ones’ stomachs with convenience foods and to get them smiling with sweets. But what you are really doing (and this might sound harsh) is merely making your own life easier – and even then, only in the short term. You are not investing in durable happiness. If you plan, shop and budget well, you can achieve proper nutrition on a shoestring, too – so do not make budget your excuse. You just need the correct information and, of course, the willpower. Munchkins need to move it move it! Our bodies were made to move and a child will not develop properly without a healthy amount of physical activity. There are many links between movement and mood. Exercise releases a feel-good sensation. It serves as an energy-spender which consequently keeps little busy bees out of trouble and makes them feel less cooped up. At the same time, staying active actually maintains their energy levels to keep them performing vibrantly all day. Furthermore, movement improves sleep (yes – theirs and therefore yours too!). Ultimately, exercise is imperative to overall physical and cognitive health – and an ill or poorly developed child is a miserable one. Positive activities activate positivity A bored kid is a parent’s worst fear for good reasons. Boredom breeds blow-ups. Children need times of appropriate stimulation. Activities like arts, crafts and structured games aid cognitive development and creativity. Remember, what might seem like mere useless fun to you is actually a child doing important business. Positive play in childhood is equal to productive labour in adulthood. Thus, just like we get depressed during times when we have nothing useful to devote ourselves to, children also need to feel well applied to stay content. Just remember that structured activities should be age-appropriate and interjected between physical activity and free play. What happens on the outside reflects on the inside A discussion on health and happiness cannot be complete without looking at a child’s physical and social environment. Healthy relationships (which should include ample affection, positive discipline, the enforcement of a flexible routine and the modelling of health habits) as well as safe surroundings are absolutely invaluable to mental and physical health. Toxins in the environment (e.g. cigarette smoke, pollution, abuse or parental discord) will poison little bodies and minds and will play out in a child’s level of contentment. Protect them from these health hazards as best as you can – even if you are one of them! Bottom line: if you compromise on health, you compromise on happiness. Our inner child is programmed to equate chocolate milkshakes and endless episodes of our favourite cartoon with joy. But let the informed adult in you rather make the choices that will affect your child’s continuous contentment. About the Author Petro Wagner is a pregnant, work-from-home mommy of a two-year-old princess and a limited-edition dog. She has a Master’s degree and further training in Play Therapy, backed by an impressive knowledge of all the Heidiepisodes; knowing the lyrics to endless nursery songs; and having personally met Sleeping Beauty in her real castle in Germany.

June 9, 2016

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