Parenting - Parenting Hub

Advice from the experts

Sensopathic Play – More Valuable Than Parents Realise

In a fast-moving digital world, where children are glued to the couch with a handheld device in-hand, give them an opportunity to experience the world through touch – a fun and engaging way to play and learn with endless developmental benefits. Parenting expert Nikki Bush says sensopathic play uses the sense of touch, the biggest sensory system in the body to help children better understand the world around them. “Sensopathic play is a very real, concrete and experiential way to learn through personal experience. And as Albert Einstein said: ‘Learning is experience. Everything else is just information’,” Bush says. Yet, in the modern world fewer children engage in sensopathic play, and instead spend more time in front of a laptop computer or playing video games. Bush says the digital world has evolved so much that these days real toys and games have even been replaced with similar screen-based games. “Screens don’t provide three-dimensional learning. And these days a 4-year old can play a shape matching game on a tablet, but can’t do it in the real world. Similarly, a 5-year old can build a 64-piece puzzle on a computer game, but struggles to build a puzzle in class,” she says. Parents are advised to encourage this type of play, and Bush says the options are endless. Drawing on a child’s back with bubble bath during bath time; allowing him/her to draw pictures on the patio door and window with shaving cream, and crafting little figures out of play dough are just a few examples that guarantee fun, interactive multisensory experiences. And there are many developmental benefits attached to each, including fine motor coordination and teaching a child how to feel emotionally safe and secure. “Balance children’s time on screens with even more time doing real activities in real time with real objects and real people and you’ll be surprised at the results,” she says. There are dozens of toys on the market that encourage sensopathic play and the Child Development Team at Toy Kingdom has carefully selected and curated a range of toys that encourage this form of play, including finger paints and play dough, as well as dolls and plush toys. “Every child needs an opportunity to experience the world in a very real sense and through the sense of touch. By ignoring sensopathic play, your child will not learn as effectively as when they are fully, physically engaged in their own learning creating meaningful experiences,” Bush says.

September 8, 2017

Loveys, Blankies, Burpies, Teddies….

Linus from the “Peanuts” comic strip is infamous for carrying around his security blanket while sucking his thumb. An attachment object or “lovey” as it is better known, is very helpful when you are trying to help your child have restful deep sleep. It becomes something of comfort when one of the parents is not around. A comfort object, transitional object, or security blanket is an item used to provide psychological comfort, especially in unusual or unique situations, or at bedtime for small children. Among toddlers, comfort objects may take the form of a blanket, a stuffed animal, or a favourite toy, and may be referred to by English-speaking toddlers as blankey and loveys. Here are the most frequently asked questions concerning comfort items. 1. How does it work? Because these objects help a child make the transition from complete dependence to independence, experts sometimes refer to security objects as transitional objects. It takes the place of the mother-child bond. A security object can give a child both emotional and tangible comfort, especially during times of stress. In addition to providing security, the transitional object allows the child to show his autonomy. The young child enjoys having authority over something. It also becomes an association with certain scenarios. When used for sleep, the child may associate the particular item with sleep. 2. What is a good choice for an attachment object? It is vital to make safety your first priority. Make sure the object doesn’t have any hard parts/edges, sounds or lights that could eventually disrupt your baby or toddler in the night. You’ll also need to think about choking hazards – no loveys that have small, detachable pieces, or even pieces that are sewn on but could potentially detach (think stuffed animals with small, plastic eyes sewn on). It could be a taglet, a soft toy, a blanket or “spoegdoek”/burp cloth. Whatever lovey you choose, buy at least two or three and secretly rotate them so that they each become equally loved and used. If the main lovey goes missing, you could easily replace it without your baby being any the wiser. Also note that although you may be intentionally introducing a lovey, your baby may make an association with something completely different. It’s important to be flexible. 3. How do I introduce an attachment object? In the first stages of baby’s life, you do not necessarily put baby down with his lovey, but having it around or even between you at all times will help your baby associate it with comfort. You really can start using it from the start although your baby won’t make an association while he/she is so young. Long before you start to put baby down to sleep on his own with the lovey, make sure the lovey is present at nursing, soothing, reading and relaxing times. Have the lovey be a part of your day. Use it to play peek-a-boo, or have the lovey snuggle with you and your baby during feedings. Give the item some personality! And (most importantly), incorporate the lovey into the bedtime and naptime routines. Maybe you kiss the lovey then baby, or just simply snuggle them together. Try to ensure that the lovey’s always present. You can also wear the item so that it smells like you. 4. What if my child does not become attached? Previous studies have shown that up to 70% of young children develop strong attachments to objects such as toys or blankets. The phenomenon tends to be confined to the western world, where children usually sleep apart from their parents at an early age (http://www.theguardian.com/science/2007/mar/09/psychology.uknews). Children’s needs differ when it comes to transitional objects. Some children never even have a security object, some jump from one object to another in short periods of time, and others cling onto one object for years. Take your child’s lead but don’t give up to soon. (See next point). 5. At what age should it be implemented? Attachment to a transitional object tends to develop at around six months of age. The attachment peaks at about eighteen to thirty months of age. The security objects are generally most important when the child is about two-and-a half years old. This may be because between the ages of two and three children develop the necessary skills that allow them to emotionally relate to people other than the people most important to them. Thus you can start introducing the lovey from as early as 1 day, but continue to try to introduce it for up to about a year. 6. When should a transitional object be taken away? I personally believe that the child should give it up when it is ready, especially when the child is not walking around with it but actually only using it for sleep. Sometime between the ages two and five, most kids are ready to bid farewell to their blankies (though they may occasionally cling to these during times of stress). The attachment is rarely abnormal, but do keep an eye out if your tot is always snuggling his lovey instead of playing with toys, running around outside, or socialising with peers. If so, consider whether there’s an underlying cause, such as a stressful situation at home or a problem with a child-care provider. Weaning an older child away from a cherished blanket or doll requires that parents acknowledge the symbolic importance of the transitional object. If the object is simply taken away, that will rarely work. An alternative is to offer the child new and more satisfying things and it may take a while until the right combination is discovered. A child may need a transitional object at night for a few years after giving it up. “It’s easier for children to cope with stress during the day when other people are around than at bedtime when they are by themselves Here is some more tips on letting it go 7. How should a lovey be used when used for sleep? (Should it

September 7, 2017

Teaching Your Child How to Save

By Thami Cele, Head of Savings & Investments, at Absa Retail and Business Banking To avoid the next generation making bad financial decisions and to help them enjoy financially fit lives, children need to be taught the essentials about money. If you’re a parent, this doesn’t mean filling your child’s head with financial facts and figures, but rather offering them age-appropriate money lessons. It’s never too soon to start either, as research by bestselling author Beth Kobliner in her book Get a Financial Life reveals that children as young as three can grasp financial concepts, particularly around saving and spending. Good financial skills are vital to ensure we are able to get through life as adults without too many pitfalls. From making a savings plan to guarantee security after retirement or as back-up in case of emergency to avoid falling into a cycle of debt, a healthy understanding of the concept of money is essential and it is important to start implementing these learnings from a young age. If you are a parent, here are five simple ways to teach your children about saving money: Get a piggy bank This form of savings is more meaningful for younger children who can’t add or count too well. Keep the savings visible: you can try the old jam jar system as a savings mechanism for both short-term and long-term savings and allow them to even draw pictures to illustrate what they are saving for – like a toy guitar or teddy bear for short-term saving and perhaps a trip to an exciting destination for long-term purposes. Take them to a bank to open their account This helps youngsters understand where their money is going and introduces them to the concept of financial institutions. In doing so, you help your child prioritise short-term and long-term savings. Model good spending and saving habits As parents, you have the biggest influence on the way children save or spend. Examine your own spending habits: next time you dash out to get the latest designer handbag or shoes, ask what message you are really sending to your impressionable children. Show them the money We have to remember that children today don’t see cash and financial transactions the same way we saw them when we were growing up, so we have to consciously make sure that children understand cash as the basis for learning more about money later. When giving children an allowance or income, give the money in denominations that encourage saving. For example if the amount is R50, give out five R10 notes and encourage that at least one be set aside for savings. Also talk about money in front of your children. Many people avoid this, but if you have healthy discussions about money in front of them, they are more likely to develop the right attitudes towards savings. Teach the difference between a want and need Talk to them about how adverts are designed to make them feel a need for the item they are selling – and how to differentiate between what they want and actually need. It will stand them in good stead when they are adults. Teaching your children how to save is an important step to prepare them for financial responsibility and a secure future. But it won’t go very far if you don’t “practice what you preach” and save for the future yourself. Whether we like it or not, most of us take after our parents and emulate the habits we observed in them during childhood. In other words, you need to start acting how you want your children to act when they grow up.

September 6, 2017

Help Your Child Develop Study Strategies

Parents and guardians can, and should, help their young children develop good study habits from an early age, to help them achieve academic excellence throughout their school years and beyond, an education expert says. “In primary school, learners will start bringing homework assignments from school, and be required to study for tests. These early years are the best time to guide children and equip them with the strategies and tools to ensure that study discipline comes naturally in later years,” says Clare Pretorius, Senior Deputy Principal at Trinityhouse High Randpark Ridge, a brand of Africa’s largest private education provider, the ADvTECH Group. Pretorius says once parents have left behind the frazzled and often anxious toddler years, they will be faced with a whole new myriad of uncertainties and frustrations once their school going children are required to start studying and performing to the best of their ability academically. “Every young person differs when it comes to attention and dedication to studies, homework and exam preparation. Some parents have intrinsically motivated children, while others need to constantly spur them on. Regardless of where a child falls on the spectrum however, parents can guide and equip them to ensure they are able to grow and develop to ultimately realise their full potential,” she says. It is important for parents and guardians to first establish what a child’s intrinsic learning style is – auditory, visual, or a combination of the two? “It is possible that the child learns through doing rather than seeing. The preferred method, if used correctly, will facilitate successful learning.” It is also vital to ensure that children have a suitable study environment. “This refers to both the physical environment and the atmosphere created for the studying child,” says Pretorius. “Daily routine needs to be established, and this includes when meals are served and when family outings are arranged, as children need little to distract them from the task at hand. Preparation of the environment also includes ensuring that all necessary equipment is available. As children get older they will organise this themselves, but initially a parent needs to assist and demonstrate best practice.” Once the groundwork has been laid, parents should assist – with varying degrees of involvement – with the actual study process. “Intrinsically motivated children may need firmness and guidance as to when enough is enough. Avoid allowing children to study into the small hours of the morning only to sit their exams in an exhausted state. On the other side of the spectrum, many children will need firm encouragement just to get going. These children do well when study schedules are drawn up with the help of parents, with lots of encouragement to get with and stick to the programme.” Pretorius says study programmes must be realistic and give adequate time to each subject. “It must be flexible and make allowances for last minute emergencies such as power failures or illness. Such a programme should be set up well in advance, as that in itself brings a sense of control to the situation for both parent and child,” she says. “Supporting your studying child can be a cause for stress, which is exacerbated if the child also doesn’t enjoy writing exams or studying. So parents should understand that they are key to the maintenance of a relatively stress free environment. There are years ahead of our children that will be filled with homework, tests and exams. If we can engender a positive attitude and a diligence in approach to academic work right from the start, it will go a long way to cultivating positive and diligent young adults who realise their potential.”

September 1, 2017

Stimulating Language and Listening Skills

Language is considered a verbal behaviour which is learned by means of the environment. A parent / caregiver and other significant adults in a child’s life provide modelling and reinforcement of these learned language structures and of speech (Allyn & Bacon, 2001). The caregiving environment is therefore extremely important to the child’s development. Early in a child’s life, as they start pointing to objects, parents often automatically label these objects and thus form the beginning of the child’s vocabulary acquisition. Once the child has some words, he might point and say “ball” and the parents would say “yes, that is a ball. A red ball. Do you want the ball?” The parent is thus modelling the sentence construction and the combination of words into a sentence, as well as reinforcing what the child is saying each time. Listening skills and auditory processing skills involve processing information through our hearing, memorising this information, and processing and reasoning the details to provide an output. These skills also include awareness of sounds in words (e.g. rhyme, sounding out words: c-a-t) which are crucial for later reading and writing. It seems that with the advances in technology, this generation of children are being more and more exposed to visual input such as televisions, iPad’s and smart phones, potentially reducing the necessity of the use of their auditory skills; The skills so crucial for many activities of daily life. The following ideas for activities may be used in order to stimulate your child’s language and listening skills: Make language a part of your daily routine. During bath time and dressing, name the parts of the body and your child’s clothes. During cooking, name the ingredients and make use of short phrases, such as “put it in the bowl.” and different actions e.g. “stir,” “pour,” “crack the egg.” Although your child may only learn to produce rhyming words later in their pre-school years, nursery rhymes are a fantastic way to teach rhyming incidentally. Playing games such as “I spy with my little eye” assists in your child’s listening, auditory memory and reasoning skills, as well as, creating awareness of the initial sound in a word. Playing “I am going on a picnic, and I’m going to bring…” assists in developing your child’s auditory memory skills. These are crucial for recall of details for following instructions and other important tasks. On a daily basis, your child should be provided with instructions that should be followed. These can even be silly instructions for example, “Take the spoon and put it on your head and walk to the door.” You may take turns giving each other instructions. This also gives your child a chance to express themselves and verbalise steps to be followed. Try to lengthen the complexity of the instructions, for example, if your child is able to cope with 3 details in the instruction move to 4 details (e.g.. draw a red circle under the square) or 4 steps (e.g. colour the girl’s hair in brown, draw grey eyes and then give her a mouth and nose). Identification of common labels such as Coke, Mac Donald’s, Pick ’n Pay, is an early pre-reading skill. This teaches children that symbols are associated with a meaning. Reading is such an important part of your child’s learning, language and development. From infancy, your child will learn the vocabulary and language structures, as well as early pre-reading skills such as holding a book, turning pages and that reading occurs from left to right (in English). This is crucial for language development and later reading skills. Furthermore, the love of books and of reading is an immeasurable asset. Ultimately, it seems that we need to go back to our roots and learn to enjoy and apply some of the games of our youth and our parent’s youth. For more information and ideas on how to aid in your child’s development, look at the SkidZ Clever Activity Box program. It is filled with age appropriate activities for language and listening skills as well as other areas of development. The program provides an option of a daily curriculum which includes activities for everyday of the week. The SkidZ program is not only comprehensive but provides hours of fun for little ones. For more information on the SkidZ Clever Activity Boxes visit their website at www.skidz.co.za Written by: Jemma Roets – Speech- Language Therapist and Audiologist Jemma Roets qualified as a Speech-language therapist and Audiologist at the University of Pretoria in 2007. She later completed her Masters degree in Early Childhood Intervention, specialising in severe disabilities, in 2013, at the University of Pretoria.

August 31, 2017

The Value of Grandparents

There is absolutely no doubt that grandparents engender a tremendous sense of stability and connection when they are included in the upbringing of children. Their relationship with their grandchildren often reflects feelings of comfort and security in a way that is indefinable but powerful, and cannot be underestimated. Grandparents help children to understand their place in the family hierarchy, they give children a different kind of love – more indulgent perhaps but underpinned by the value of their experience that children respond to instinctively. Balance and perspectives It’s not always plain sailing however – and often the sharpest divide between grandparents and grandchildren are the parents. From generation to generation there are many changes in lifestyles and opinions; today’s world is different and the way your parents brought you up may not be the way you want your children raised. Society revises itself continually and ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’ is no longer as relevant as it was in our parents’ time. Today’s parents need to be in sync with modern parenting styles and apply fresh approaches to training, rewarding or admonishing children. And if granny doesn’t agree, this can cause discord in the family. Try not to allow this problem to spoil the relationship with the grandchildren. It’s best to talk your point of view through with your parents, and explain the reasoning behind your style of parenting. Children are under far more pressure today than they were two generations ago, and sometimes grandparents just need to understand the new rules and why they are there, and come to terms with the changes. The support system It is vital for families to recognise and appreciate the often selfless support system that grandparents provide. Not only do they fill all sorts of parenting gaps when both parents are working but they also provide a safety net during times of trouble such as divorce or financial constraints, or death of a parent. And they are also the source for some life-long life lessons. Many people look back and recall that it was their grandparents who taught them manners, respect, and the difference between right and wrong. Grandparents have the time and the insight to explain things to children in a way that parents do not. But those lessons, reasonable and sensible, couched in love and fun, are the ones that stick with the children. It may be difficult for parents to turn back to their own parents for support. After all, they’ve been living independent lives for some time, making their own decisions. Sometimes the support from grandparents is expected, taken for granted, and the reliance becomes unreasonable. It’s good to remember that your parents still have their own lives to live and should not be pressured into becoming surrogate parents 24/7. The expected responsibilities of grandparents can be so easily abused, especially if they (as is so often the case these days) come to live permanently in the nuclear household. What grandparents and grandchildren gain from each other While children gain so much from their grandparents, it’s truly reciprocal. When grandparents see their grandchildren, they see the future and experience a sense of continuity that fills them with contentment. There, in their grandchildren, is the physical evidence of the flow of life, the past connecting with the future. A grandparent’s love is second only in emotional importance to a parent’s but it is usually less conditional, more empathic. Grandparents enjoy their grandchildren in the moment without censure or apprehension about minor misdemeanours. And children know this, revel in it, because it offers them a different kind of freedom to be themselves, to stretch a couple of boundaries while fully cosseted in loving admiration, and the luxury of asking for more. Active, involved grandparents also show much less depression and higher degrees of life satisfaction. They tend to be happier with their present life and more hopeful for the future. And while grandparents teach much to their grandchildren, so do the grandchildren love to teach their grandparents – especially cool stuff on the internet! Grandparents get to meet the world anew through the eyes of their grandchildren. What to do when there are no grandparents Sadly, there are always situations where grandparents live far away – or may have already passed away. It is important then, to talk about the grandparents often, to share photographs, and many phone calls. To engender a sense of excitement when granny and grandpa are coming to visit, or any visits are planned to see granny. Even though the connection may be distant, it’s vital to build on it and keep it strong. If grandparents have passed away, keep memories of them alive with their grandchildren in the same way – through conversation and photographs and many anecdotes – which children love. If there is an old age home nearby, take your children to meet the old people; give them a chance to engage with older people in a positive way, to get to understand age, frailty and an old person’s need for the company of children. There are many old people, distanced from their families – or without any at all – who would benefit from your visits and in return offer their wisdom, admiration and unconditional love for your children.

August 30, 2017

Your Child’s Hearing

Hearing is an essential part of development as it enables babies to take in information about the world around them. It stimulates brain development and is critical for language development. For this reason, it is vital to identify and address hearing difficulties as early as possible. By the 16th week of pregnancy, the tiny bones in the baby’s ears begin to develop. By the 20th week of pregnancy, the baby begins to respond to sounds. Loud sounds may even make the baby startle or move about. By the 25th week of pregnancy, the auditory system becomes fully functional. At this point the baby is able to hear your voice when you are speaking or singing. Studies have shown that after birth, babies are able to recognize songs that were sung to them while in the womb. Unlike the visual system where actual visual experience begins after birth, the auditory system requires auditory experience with voice and language, music and meaningful environmental sounds during the last 10 to 12 weeks of fetal life. A child is born with a mind that is open and ready to receive information through all five senses. The more information the mind receives, the better the child is able to understand and participate in the world around them. All five senses are tools for learning and communicating. However, the sense of hearing is the most critical for speech and language development. It is difficult to define “normal” hearing development when speaking about human beings as each individual develops in their own way and at their own pace. However, over the years, several researchers have been able to compile a guideline for general milestones for hearing development: A Guideline for Hearing Developmental Milestones Birth At birth, babies are able to exhibit a startle reflex in response to sudden loud noises. This means that they will stiffen, quiver, blink, fan out their fingers and toes, or cry as a response. They are often sensitive to a wide range of sounds, including intonation and rhythmic cues. At birth, babies are able to recognize their mother’s voice and often prefer the sound of their mother’s voice. Sounds of different pitches have different effects on the infant. Low frequency sounds and rhythmic sounds have a calming effect. Higher frequency sounds result in a more violent reaction. You may note an increase or decrease in sucking in response to sound. Three Months At three months of age, babies are more aware of human speech and will begin to attend to voices. They will also start to show excitement for familiar sounds such as approaching footsteps, running bath water, etc. At this age, babies tend to awaken or quiet to the sound of their mother’s voice and will vocally respond to their mother’s voice. They begin to imitate noises as they hear them e.g. ooh, baba. Most importantly, at this stage, babies begin to localize sound by means of turning their eyes toward the general sound source. This is a great time to introduce sound-making toys; as they begin to enjoy such sounds and will listen to bells and other sound-making toys near them. Four Months By four months of age babies start localizing sound by turning their head toward the general source of sound and they will actively search for human voices. Five Months At 5 months of age, babies are able to localize sound more specifically. They distinguish between friendly and angry voices and react appropriately. They will stop crying or coo is response to music and become very interested in human voices. At this point, they are able to discriminate between sounds of strangers and familiar people. Six Months By 6 months of age, babies specifically locate sound from any direction, such as the bell that is rung out of sight (downward localization develops before upward localization). They will respond to human speech by smiling or vocalizing and will turn immediately to their mother’s voice across the room. They may show evidence of response to different emotional tones in their mother’s voice. Their association of hearing with sound production is now evident, in that they repeat selected sounds that they have heard. Eight Months At 8 months of age it is expected for the baby to turn his head and shoulders toward familiar sounds, even when he cannot see what is happening. They begin to understand sounds and words in context e.g. responding to a telephone ringing, a human voice, his own name, “no-no,” “bye-bye“. It is at this point that they begin to enjoy games like pat-a-cake and peek-a-boo. They may respond with raised arms when their mother says, “Come up” and reaches toward the child. One Year At one year of age it is expected that the child will babble in response to human voice. His sound imitations indicate that he can hear the sounds and match them with his own sound production. He will enjoy various sounds like jingles and rhymes and show interest in environmental sounds that may even be beyond his immediate surroundings. The child will respond to simple commands (at first, only when the command is accompanied by a gesture), such as giving a toy on request or going somewhere as directed. At this age, it is expected that the child understands an assortment of action words (verbs) such as “drink“, “go“, “come“, “give“, as well as some simple directions such as “wave bye bye.” No real understanding of questions is shown at this point. Two Years By two years of age several hearing and communication skills have developed: Shows interest in the sounds of radio or TV commercials. Listens to reason of language. Listens to simple stories. Responds to command, “Show me the —.” Understands and answers simple “wh” questions, e.g. “Where is your –?” Responds to yes/no questions by shaking or nodding head. Waits in response to “just a minute.” Identifies five body parts. Understands family names by selecting appropriate pictures. Understands the phrase, “have sweets after lunch” Carries out 4

August 24, 2017

How to Communicate When Your Child is Away From Home

How do you communicate with your child when they are away from home for a prolonged time? Whether its for a sleepover holiday camp, school tour or even if they’re spending a few days at a friends house; the way you communicate with your children when they are away affects how much they will enjoy their away-from-home experience. More parents and children are reluctant to spend time away from home whether it’s for reasons that have to do with safety, homesickness or insecurity. However, it is important that parents don’t communicate their insecurities so that their children can enjoy themselves and long-term, so that they can grow up into independent and confident people. At Sugar Bay Resort, a holiday camp for kids and teens, we challenge both parents and children to write letters to one another the traditional way when at camp. We allow our campers to write a letter to their parents on the third day of camp. These letters are then scanned and emailed to parents, opening the door of communication between parents and their children. However, the parents’ replies are often very formal and lack the gist of a meaningful letter. Here are 6 tips when communicating to your children when they are away from home, whether it’s a letter or over the phone: Focus: Find a private and distraction-free place to speak to your child so that you can really listen. They can tell when you are busy with something, or not listening, so don’t try to multi-task. Focus completely on your conversation or the letter you are writing. Avoid talking about home: Ask questions about where they are and what they have been up to, rather than talking about home life. It’s important to recognise that as a parent, your words play an integral part in homesickness. Always be encouraging and supportive: Encourage them to talk about their new experiences and what they’ve been up to, and support them when they share something new they did (especially when it’s something you don’t expect). Avoid too many questions: Too many questions will make your kids feel pressured to respond correctly, or write back more often than they would prefer to. Avoid heavy-handed disapproval or reprimands: This is certainly an unpleasant thing to come across in any letter. Let the kids know that they are missed: However, avoid getting too emotional. Tackle this with a change of topic. For example; persuade the kids to describe the new friends they made at camp. This will take the focus away from the emotional attachment which the word “missing” brings. Children love getting letters from home when they are at Sugar Bay camp. It makes them feel important and helps them realize just how much they are loved, overall, building up their confidence and courage to make the most out of their week away from home. Letters are also often a sentimental item that most kids will keep forever. Therefore, Sugar Bay has a dedicated email address which parents can use for these letters when their children are at camp. Take the time to hand-write a beautiful, meaningful letter or have a supportive conversation using the eight great tips above; because in this case, words speak louder than actions.

August 24, 2017

My Top 4 Tips For Raising Girls

There comes a point in your parenting journey, especially as a mom of girls and tweens or teens, when you are going to have to say no, to things they would like or would like to do. You may very well have to disappoint your children but part of your job, as a parent, is to protect and guide them! Especially in their teenage years, children need to understand what is appropriate and what is not! That a skirt may be way too short and that their make-up is too heavy, you have to teach them right from wrong. I think this is sometimes harder for the parent than the child because you do not want to come across as the “dragon mom” but at the same time, “rather safe than sorry”. What you have to understand, is that children will try and push boundaries and assert themselves, which at times means standing your ground and not giving in. You are going to have to learn to share – everything! Clothing, makeup, shoes, even your husband – a good Father Daughter relationship is so important! The Barney saying “sharing is caring” comes to mind but there is a limit to everything! I grew up with a younger brother, so I never had to go hunting for my stuff. As a result, I am not used to sharing! This has been a huge learning curve for me. I think the important lesson here is to teach your children about personal space and how to respect yours and maintain theirs – in other words “to stay out of your stuff!” There may be times when your girls make you feel insecure, intimidated and even a tad jealous {I can see a few eyebrows being raised!}. This is not necessarily a bad thing but it will bring you to the realisation that you are indeed human! It can be tough when they fit into that size 32 that is a long-lost memory for you! ;-), or when they achieve that A Grade that you always wished you could growing up. The important thing is to talk about your feelings, not let them overwhelm you and try to not live vicariously through your children – get your own “life”! It is important, actually vitally important, to always maintain an open, honest relationship with your children – girls need to talk even if they say they don’t! It does not always have to be a world-changing, deep, meaningful conversation – just a “Hi how are you doing?” is enough sometimes! It often feels like you are unable to “get through” to your children but you can be assured that even if they do not appear to be listening to you, they are “hearing” you. So do not ever give up, keep communicating and you will get through to them!

August 22, 2017

Are you living your Values?

I’m currently involved in the filming of the SA TV show #marriedatfirstsight that is to be aired in Feb 2017. Whilst interviewing a number of the candidates what struck me the most was how few people actually know what their values are. Surely this is something we should all be living daily through our words, actions and behaviours? The Oxford dictionary gives an explanation of values as: “a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life.” Values act as our inner moral compass to keep us on course every single day, so that each day, we’re moving in the direction that takes us closer and closer to our definition of the “best” life we could possibly live and what is truly important to us in life. Our values may change as we move through different life stages and our priorities shift and that’s ok. What’s important is that you have values as these align with your vision and purpose (i.e. your goals). As your goals change so too will your values e.g. if you were focused on your career but now feel like you have achieved the level you wanted and now you would like to settle down, then your values and priorities will adjust accordingly. Just to be clear, values provide a deep sense of ongoing direction for our lives – they are not ends in themselves. Goals are things that we wish to complete or achieve – they are often ends in themselves. The other day I was working with a client who said that family was important to him and he listed it as one of his values, yet when we broke this down even further, it became evident that his priorities were not aligned with his values as he spent every weekend on the golf course and very little quality time with his family. If you fail to focus your energy on the goals that are truly important to you, some of them will fall away and that’s a heavy price to pay. Tony Robbins refers to another level when it comes to values and that is what we call the ‘towards’ values (i.e. that you strive to feel) and the ‘away’ values (i.e. the feelings you will do anything to avoid). The quality of our lives is not only determined by our goals and aspirations but also by the situations we try to avoid. For example, if you want to avoid feeling rejected, your actions and behaviour will do everything to avoid experiencing this feeling (e.g. being overly generous or nice, always putting others and their needs before your own needs etc). We can also attach conditions to our values and emotions for example, we do things to feel accepted/loved yet internally we don’t really believe we deserve to be loved. So while we may get the external response from others (e.g. someone says well done you did a great job), internally we don’t believe it so we tend to dismiss it or downplay it. We need to make sure our conditions for experiencing our values are not completely under the control of others and/or external circumstances. We need to control our values and conditions. We can do this by being flexible and having many conditions/rules for our values to be met in many different ways. Design your rules to make it easy to experience your values repeatedly (e.g if your highest value is love, then a rule/condition could be: every time I hug my child/talk with my friends I will feel loved vs. I will only feel loved when someone tells me they love me). Make sure that your rules/conditions are a barrier to protect your happiness and not detract from your happiness. By making it difficult to fulfill the conditions of your ‘away’ values e.g. a break-up does not mean you have been rejected/are not good enough/not loved etc, it just means that person never saw your value/worth or perhaps was not prepared to work through the issues and you cannot control that. A rule could be ‘I will only feel rejected when the 3 people I admire the most (i.e. my mentors) tell me they hate me. Here is a great online values exercise by Dr Dimartini which comprises 13 questions that will help you to narrow down and define your values as well as whether you are living up to them or not (like my golfing client). Live by your values and everything else will fall into place!

August 17, 2017

Helping kids cope with traumatic events : Garden Route fires

The Garden Route fires took everyone by surprise. After a trauma, it’s completely natural to be in a state of shock and disbelief. Many deny the reality, become angry and/or disillusioned, as they begin to face the deep sense of loss of what was. Over time most will be able to come to a place of acceptance and/or find meaning from this tragedy. Children often experience trauma differently, as they are more sensitive and less able to express their feelings and needs. They need our ongoing reassurance and support – even if their houses were ultimately safe, yet had to evacuate suddenly and/or witness the scale of the fire, or destruction of land and homes. All children in these communities have been impacted in some way, and for many their entire sense of safety in the world can feel different or shattered because their whole community has experienced such a large shock. During traumatic events, the brain goes into an adaptive ‘emergency mode’ (i.e. flight or fight mode) –releasing stress hormones (like adrenaline and cortisol) to cope with whatever comes. After the immediate danger is over however, it can be hard to convince the body that it can relax again and that the danger is truly over. Add to this the fact that children are more sensitive and don’t express themselves well, so a range of behaviours, including sleep and appetite changes can be expected. Watch this video clip of children’s common responses after a trauma. Understand that these are all normal reactions to an abnormally stressful situation and these changes may last for a few weeks. With your on-going and responsive support, and attentively addressing their needs, these reactions often disappear and children recover fully. Here are four simple principles to help children cope : Ensure safety – do everything to ensure physical safety; constantly reassure them that they are safe; tell them repeatedly that the danger is over; establish routines again as soon as possible. talk about it / help them let their feelings out – they often need support in getting out their feelings; listen and answer questions; avoid forcing them to talk; contradictions in re-telling the event is normal (use drawings, stories or metaphors). normalizing symptoms – explain that what they are going through (e.g. nightmares/ anxiousness) is normal after such a sudden, unexpected and dangerous experience. Symptoms are never a sign of weakness; should be taken seriously and need time for healing like any physical injury. Get more help – trauma counseling may often be needed (depending on the intensity of the trauma, the child’s previous traumatic events, their age and ability to process it healthily with your support and your response and well-being). If your child’s changed behaviour worsens or intensifies over time, or delayed reactions show up, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can occur. Try to remember that what children find stressful, and how they cope, differs from us. Sometimes the smallest or strangest aspect of the experience may have been their biggest concern. Watch them, listen and above all be patient. Remember, the Garden Route fires have affected everyone living in this area. Even without being evacuated, residents constantly smelt the smoke, read and saw images of the fire, heard stories of friends and loved ones losses and the damage remains obvious for all to see. If you know someone affected, reach out and support them. Share what you’ve learned or point them to valuable information (ch.4 of ParentMagic deals with trauma) and assure them that professional help is available (privately or via organizations like FAMSA with trained counselors in both Plettenberg Bay and Knysna). Hyperlink : watch this video clip : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2etcNT2V_fY

August 16, 2017

3 Steps to help your child grow from failure

In today’s competitive environment, where some toddlers attend maths development classes and other youngsters are pushed to start reading fluently before they enter Grade 1, parents can be forgiven for being concerned about the future of their children who show signs of struggling academically or otherwise. But one of South Africa’s leading education experts says that the situation can and must be turned around before it spirals out of control and negatively impacts – unnecessarily so – on a child’s entire sense of self and self-esteem. And the way to do this is to cultivate a “growth mindset”, she says. “Children who think their intelligence and ability is ‘fixed’ – that they are stuck at a certain level of smarts — tend to do less well than those who think that they can, with perseverance, achieve at anything they set their minds to,” says Traci Salter*, Strategic Academic Development Advisor at ADvTECH, Africa’s largest private education provider. “However learners who understand that their intelligence or skill level can be improved by effort and experimentation seek more challenges, learn from mistakes and don’t give up in the face of failure,” she says. The concept of the Growth Mindset was pioneered by Stanford University psychologist Carol S. Dweck, and draws on neuroscience showing that a learner’s brain can improve with dedicated effort. Her research showed that personal qualities and abilities are not fixed, but can change with a simple change in approach. Dweck’s research further showed that how children think about themselves has a significant impact on learning; with a strong connection between students’ motivation to learn a new skill and how they perceived their intelligence. “Cultivating a growth mindset in one’s child is not a complicated process, and it can be given immediate and significant momentum with just one little word: yet,” says Salter. For instance, if Anna is having trouble with language learning skills, explain that she isn’t good yet. If Mandla can’t get to grips with algebra, it is because he hasn’t grasped it yet. Emphasise that with effort, they will eventually master these skills. Carol Dweck recommends we ensure that children know “it is okay and safe to fail, and that taking risks and learning from failure can lead to invention and creativity”, notes Salter, adding that the way we praise our children also plays an important role. “Dweck advised that, rather than using general praise, for instance saying ‘you can do it because you are so smart’, parents and teachers should praise specific efforts that lead to improvements such as focus, persistence and work habits. For instance, one could say ‘you’re doing a great job organising your science fair experiment. It will give you plenty of time to practise presenting. “This takes the spotlight off fixed ability and puts it on the process of learning and developing.” Following Dweck’s strategies, Salter says there are 3 steps parents can take to help their children develop a growth mindset: 1) HAVE DAILY LEARNING DISCUSSIONS At dinner, in the car or at bedtime take time for both children and parents to share the answers to these types of questions: “What did you learn today?” (Instead of “How was your day?”) “What mistake did you make that taught you something today? “What did you try that you found hard today?” It is important for parents and guardians to share their learning as well, because it models to children that even grownups learn new things every day, and learn from failures. 2) GIVE FEEDBACK ON PROCESS ONLY Praise effort by children – for instance persistence, thinking of alternate strategies, seeking new opportunities, setting ongoing goals, planning for achieving these, and considering creative alternates to the challenge at hand. Don’t praise personal abilities like being smart, pretty, or artistic. This kind of praise could actually lead to a loss of confidence since children won’t be smart at everything. They’ll doubt their ability to master something that is difficult initially. 3) ENCOURAGE RISK, FAILING AND LEARNING FROM MISTAKES Failure teaches our children important life lessons. For one, it’s how they learn resilience, perseverance and self-motivation. Now is the time to let our children risk and fail. But we often want to prevent our children from failing, from feeling upset or sad. Don’t. “We must let our children experience some failures while they are young, so that they can strengthen their growth mindset muscles. If we don’t, they will become adults with no perseverance, or belief in their abilities to work hard and succeed,” says Salter. “And when the going gets tough, and challenges feel extra challenging, we should help our children celebrate the fact that they are learning and building mental muscle. Tell them about all the famous people who failed and didn’t give up, like Albert Einstein, Walt Disney, Steve Jobs, Michael Jordan and Oprah Winfrey, and remind them that every challenge provides an opportunity to become more empowered.”

August 14, 2017

Saying goodbye to your kids – The Do’s and Dont’s

The way in which you say goodbye to your kids before a new experience can either encourage them or incite panic and despair. For children, a new experience can be scary and they depend on the support from their parents in order to respond to this experience positively. Here are some Dos and Don’ts for certain first-time-experiences: Saying goodbye at school for the first time: Watching your little one walk away from the car into the school gates for the first time is often a very stressful experience for parents. However, it is much more challenging for your child, be it the first day of primary school, high school or college. DOencourage your child and speak about how exciting this new experience will be. Focus on the opportunities it will offer and the positive things to look forward to in the day. The trick is to be more excited than your child, and your excitement will surely rub off on him or her. DON’Tthink of all the things that could go wrong and don’t share these thoughts with your child. Feeding your child’s mind with negative body language and expressing doubts will not encourage them to look forward to this new opportunity. Your child will emulate your anxiety, resulting in them feeling “on edge” all day long. Saying goodbye for their first sleepover camp: Sending your child away for a week-long sleepover camp can be rather nerve-wracking for both parents and children. Homesickness, safety concerns and the thought of your child having an unpleasant experience are one of parents’ greatest concerns. DOyour research about the camp to put your mind at ease about the safety and enjoyment of the venue. Read online reviews, request a tour of the camp if you can and ask all your questions. DOstart encouraging your child’s excitement in advance. Research the fun activities they can participate in at camp by watching YouTube videos or visiting their website. Take your kids shopping for their camping experience. Whether you’re just getting a few odds and ends or searching for the best insect repellent or sun block, it will definitely get them excited. Be sure to tell them about how this opportunity will allow them to create new friendships. DON’Ttell your kids about how much you will be missing them. This will probably make them feel guilty about being away from home and is one of the main contributing factors which lead to homesickness. Don’t call the camp and request to speak to your child too often either. It’s best to send an email which can get passed on to your child, rather than interrupting your child’s first experience sleeping away from home. If you do call, remember to sound happy and encourage your child to share what they’ve enjoyed so far and to make the most out of this experience. Saying goodbye before their first solo flight: The first time on a foreign mode of transport is a scary ordeal for anyone. No parent necessarily wants their minors to be unaccompanied when traveling, however, certain situations will require them to be independent and conquer this fear. DOTell them about how proud you are of them for being so responsible and going on a plane by themselves. This will boost their confidence. DOShare the interesting things they would fancy on a plane ride, such as the good food, free drinks, window seats, fun onboard games and movies etc. DOReassure them that they will be safe and that air travel is the safest mode of transport in the world. Also, inform them that they are not alone and that the airplane has a host of friendly and helpful staff who will be there to assist them at all times. DOprepare them for turbulence and the speed of take-off, so they aren’t terrified when it happens. Explain that this is a normal and common thing for planes. DON’Tdiscuss all the things that could go wrong on this journey, such as a plane crash, or plane hijacking, etc. This is not encouraging, even as a joke, and will send your child running for the hills when it’s time to board their plane. DON’T look or sound concerned or sad in front of your child. Your emotions have a major impact on your child’s behavior. No matter the situation, remember to always be encouraging and speak confidently when saying goodbye to your kids. Keep reminding them of everything positive that they will experience and they will conquer their “first-time-alone” fears with confidence.

August 11, 2017

Growing gratitude in a self-gratified generation

“Ungrateful, selfish brats” were definitely not what most of us envisaged our sweet little babies to grow up as. Yet, many of us are often appalled to find – when we are really honest with ourselves – that our youngsters are in fact, well… ungrateful, selfish brats. This becomes especially evident as adolescence approaches – a life stage already notorious for egocentrism and lately even more intensified by modern culture. Our teens live in a self-absorbed world where materialism is the ideology of the day, where an event did not fully take place if there is no public selfie and a certain number of “likes” to authenticate it and where almost everything one “needs” is likely to be a click away. Then we seal the narcissistic deal even further by insisting to our children that they are special (and they are – but no more special than the rest!) which sends the message that they somehow “deserve” the best in life. And boom – you have a perfect unappreciative egomaniac! Now how did that happen…? So how do we deal with this syndrome of self-involvement? Here are a couple of thoughts on training teenagers to give back to society with a spirit of gratitude. And remember: be proactive when they are young, before the disease is diagnosed! Gratitude does not grow on guilt or gauging Many parents try to force thankfulness by means of guilt-tripping their children. (You know what I mean: “Stop complaining about the food – there are children going hungry a few kilometres away!”) These “friendly reminders” of others who are worse off than us are seldom, if ever, helpful. In most cases they will merely produce irritated eye-rolling – especially where teenagers are concerned. And even if you actually manage to make them feel bad about their good fortunes, it is still counter-productive, as guilt only makes us feel miserable – which does not happen to be the equivalent of grateful. We should never teach thankfulness by comparing to others, because what happens when you measure lower – which is bound to happen some of the time? Rather kit your kids to find something to appreciate in all circumstances. Your own attitude determines your child’s gratitude As with almost any other positive attribute you would like to see in your child – gratitude is learned through modelling! (Yes, you guessed it – by you!) Because we all know by now that ‘’morals are caught, not taught.’’ Actively live out gratefulness and create a platform for it in your home so that it can become a way of life to your children. Always thank people (which definitely include your kids). Regularly point out things you appreciate – even if they seem insignificant like a hot breakfast or a great parking spot. Make a ritual of sharing what you are grateful for with one another around the dinner table. Serve others without complaining. Stop complaining in general. Counteract an atmosphere of negativity by focusing on your family’s blessings. Say prayers of thanksgiving together. Gratitude should be the lens through which your children view the world, not a positive feeling (like happiness) that comes and goes as circumstances change. They can only achieve this if they had a solid example to follow from a young age. Overindulged is under-appreciative A child who genuinely lacks in life and another who has in abundance are both at risk for selfishness – the former because of anxiety about self-preservation and the latter due to entitlement. Ensure your child is well provided for, but do not flood her with belongings and expensive experiences (this is often the hard part as it seems counter-intuitive). Remember, you are allowed to say “no” for reasons other than, “We cannot afford it”. Make a habit of giving away one toy for each new one she gets. Spoiling children is a mild form of child abuse, as you deprive them of developing certain valuable virtues – like gratefulness and other-centeredness – that they require to become agreeable adults. Egocentrism is equalised through exposure If your child is comfortably and ignorantly leading his leisurely life (most probably with an electronic device glued to his hand), how should he know to be grateful and what options does he have to be of service? Instead of telling him, “You should be grateful for X or Y,” rather expose him to the less-than-perfect world out there and let him figure it out for himself. Watch movies and read stories or news articles together about people in different circumstances and then discuss it. Be more present in less affluent settings – go eat something at a joint in a poverty-stricken area and encourage diverse friendships, for example. Join outreaches as a family (but only if a superiority mindset is averted – they should never believe that they are “fixing” others who are “below” them!). Coaching is the key! Human beings’ natural inclination is towards selfishness – almost like we are “naturally illiterate” if educational intervention does not take place. And just like a child will rarely learn to read and write when left to their own devices, gratitude should be taught and modelled – like any other skill.

August 11, 2017

Children’s safety: let’s talk about it all year round

The safety of our children is an important topic that should be discussed all year round – not just during school holidays, and not just during Youth Month. That’s according to private security company Fidelity ADT, who this week released tips and advice for parents and guardians who want to ensure the safety of their children. “Personal safety simply must be part of your child’s education. If we can teach them how to be able to fend for themselves throughout the year, we don’t have to start from scratch when a long end-of-year holiday arrives. These measures have to be constantly reinforced too,” says Fidelity ADT’s district manager for Cape Town North, Verena Hulme. “It starts at home. Your kids must know to always keep all entrances and gates closed and locked and that nobody is allowed to enter without permission from either parent. If you have a home security system installed teach them how to activate and deactivate it and how and when to use other security devices like panic buttons.” Hulme adds that it is a good idea to have a list of emergency contact numbers available and that your children know who to contact if they need help. The telephone numbers for the local police station, your private security company, the emergency number for your neighbourhood watch, and possibly a trusted neighbour should definitely be on that list. “If your child must leave the safety of your home for whatever reason, make sure they tell you where they are going and when they are expected to arrive. We recommend testing any routes with your children ahead of time to make sure they don’t inadvertently choose a road or area that is fraught with potential risks. Try and identity any ‘safe spaces’ (such as a trusted neighbour) along the route where your child could call for help in case they need it,” she says. “Instead of starting these safety training sessions anew, it makes more sense to instil a sense of responsibility with your children that they follow throughout the year. As much as we would love to look after our children 24/7, there will come a time when they have to fend for themselves. We have to prepare and equip them.” Public spaces – such as shopping malls – are also an area for which your children should be prepared. “Teach your children to memorise their name, surname, home address and contact details for one of their parents. Also make sure they know that if they do become separated from you, that they immediately look for mall security and give them the information they have memorized. “ Hulme also recommends agreeing on a code word with children which would be used in a situation where someone else needs to fetch them from home or from a place they had been visiting. “This code word would be a sign that the person collecting them has genuinely been sent by a parent and could be trusted.” Finding fun ways to test that your children understand these safety tips and know how to look after themselves, she says, will be a productive way to prepare your children for the possible dangers they might encounter. Here are a few tips worth sharing with children to ensure they stay safe: Always walk to or from school with a friend or friends. Stick to streets you know and never take short cuts through quiet areas or empty parking lots. Many communities have started ‘walking bus’ safety initiatives, where community members walk in convoy with children to and from school. If such an initiative exists in your community, make use of it or consider starting one. If you get picked up at school, never leave the school premises but always wait inside the school-grounds for your lift to arrive. Never get into a stranger’s car; even if the stranger claims that someone you love is hurt and that they are supposed to pick you up. Remember that your parents would never send someone you don’t know to fetch you. If a stranger approaches you, don’t talk to them no matter how friendly they may seem. If someone tries to grab you, fight, kick and scream that the person is not your parent.

August 8, 2017

Setting your child up for Term 3 success!

The much-anticipated July school holidays seem to have flown by. Alarm clocks have been quiet and daily homework seems to be a distant memory. School uniforms have been hibernating and lunch boxes, shelved. It is almost time to oil the gears and get ready to start the school run once again. It can be a stressful time for parents and learners. Cindy Glass, Founder and Owner of after school remediation franchise, Step Up Education Centres, gives the following helpful hints to parents to ensure that the holiday-school transition is a positive experience for all. 1. Choose your words and actions carefully Your child will look forward to going back to school if you create a feeling of positive anticipation for him. Chat about friends and new experiences that lie in wait. Be positive about your expectations for the term, assure your child that you are there for him and that, together, you will face any challenges that may arise. 2. Set positive goals Take some time to dust off the term 2 report. Look at each subject and, together with your child, decide on realistic goals for term 3. Remember, you cannot build your child up by breaking him down, so make this exercise a positive one. Decide if he needs extra assistance and be open to understanding what he may need to achieve his goals. All negative behaviours or attitudes towards academic work stem from fear! Fear of failure, fear of consequences. Use this time to seek to understand your child. Be excited about his potential to achieve his goals 3. Get the bits and pieces sorted Check that uniforms are clean and ready. Label anything that may still need it. Stationery, sport gear, exercise and text books need to be sorted and ready-to-roll. It is important to do this in good time to avoid a stressful rush at the last minute. 4. Start making healthy lifestyle choices A healthy diet and exercise routine go a long way to ensure a positive academic experience. Start going to bed a little earlier as well. Sleep is as important as healthy food choices. 5. Reinstate routine Nobody enjoys routine during the holidays. Spontaneity is enjoyed, and so it should be. The school term, however, places demands and expectations on every learner and a positive routine is needed to ensure that your child is able to cope effectively with the pressures of school life. Life is not a straight road and sticking to routines can be challenging. If you focus on following a routine as much as possible, you will all reap the benefits. hilst you enjoy the last few days of the school holiday, do yourself a favour and start preparing for the beginning of a new term. It will be worth it!” Cindy concludes. About Step Up Established in 2016, Step Up Education Centres is a dynamic after-school remediation and tutoring franchise with a difference. Step Up offers children an opportunity to succeed in a schooling system that is, at times, very unsympathetic. From the moment, a child walks through a Step Up Education Centre doors they feel different. They no longer feel silly or stupid. They no longer feel misunderstood. They no longer feel judged. After just one lesson they feel hope. They see possibility. After a few sessions, they walk taller, feel smarter, do better. Why? Because Step Up believes that every child has potential…And our passionate educators will not give up until they reach it!

August 7, 2017

HELP – BREASTFEEDING DOESN’T COME NATURALLY FOR ME

Many people may argue the fact that breast feeding should be the most natural thing in the world. So, what’s wrong with you if you find the whole breast feeding thing really hard? Indeed it is a very natural and easy thing for most new mothers, but for some, it is an incredibly stressful and traumatic part of mothering. We all know the benefits of breastfeeding such as: Breastfeeding until six months helps prevent allergies later on in baby’s life Breast milk is always the right temperature and is easily digested Breastfed babies seldom have problems with constipation or diarrhoea Breast milk doesn’t cost anything! Breast milk contains antibodies to boost her immune system Breast milk perfectly meets your baby’s nutritional needs Most first time mothers would really like to give breast feeding their best shot, but many factors can occur in the early days that can really thwart any of the best intentions she may have to breast feed. Sleep deprivation, cracked and bleeding nipples and a crying baby can all add up to a miserable and emotional mom, a stressed out dad and the idea of a pain free feed by bottle feeding is all too tempting. Let’s take a look at the issues that might make breast feeding in the early days really difficult. Engorged and swollen breasts: This typically happens around day 4 after delivery (slightly longer after a caesarian birth). Most new moms are usually at home by now and do not have the support and care of the nursing staff in the maternity units to help them through this difficult time. Your breasts will become full and heavy, and excruciatingly tender to the touch. In some instances, they become rock hard, hot and sore. This is what is commonly known as “milk coming in”. It usually settles after around 72 hours. Feed your baby on demand, as normal, and don’t be tempted to express your breasts to make them emptier and softer – all you will do is encourage more milk to be produced! Place cabbage leaves in your bra (they really do work), rub arnica cream or oil onto your sore and swollen breasts, and take an anti-inflammatory medication to help with the pain and swelling (ask your pharmacist, clinic sister or doctor to recommend one that is safe for breast feeding). Applying ice packs also helps with the pain and inflammation. Persevere, it will get better – just give it some time, and don’t expect your breasts to settle down for at least a few days. Blocked milk ducts or mastitis: Blocked milk ducts commonly occur, especially in the first few days after your milk has come in and your breasts are feeling swollen and sore. You can usually feel the actual spot where the blockage is, because it is sore, and if you look, you may see a red and inflamed area. This is more prevalent before a feed when your breasts are full, and feeding usually gives you some relief. You may also feel a bit feverish and have a headache. Gently massage the tender and red area with some arnica oil or cream, and apply heat to the area after you have finished feeding. Taking Anti-inflammatory medication also helps. In some instances your doctor may prescribe anti-biotics. Keep a close watch on the affected area, as it may develop into a breast abscess if the blockage is not released. If the red and tender area does not lessen after a feed, and if the entire area does not settle down within a few days, and you are feeling feverish and unwell, it is best to seek medical advice in case you have a breast abscess, which will need to be surgically drained. Cracked and bleeding nipples; This is a common reason for throwing in the towel with breast feeding due to excessive pain and discomfort with feeding. The most frequent cause of cracked nipples is incorrect latching of the baby’s mouth onto the nipple. Make sure that your baby is latched onto the breast correctly, with both top and bottom lip in a snug seal around your nipple. Your pain level will indicate to you if your baby is latched correctly or not! To release the suction on your breast so that you can take your nipple out of his mouth, insert your finger into the corner of his mouth and gently withdraw your nipple from his mouth, and retry to latch him successfully. Using a nipple shield (available from your pharmacy or baby shop) during feeding gives cracked and bleeding nipples time to heal . Speak to your clinic sister or doctor to recommend a nipple cream to assist with healing. Exposing your nipples to some sunlight also helps to hasten healing (easier said than done!). Expressing breast milk and offering it to your baby from a spoon or a bottle is also a way to let your nipples heal whilst continuing to breast feed. Not enough milk: Don’t listen to old wives tales about your milk being too strong or too weak. It is not the quality of the milk that makes the difference, it is the quantity. If your baby is unsettled after feeds and appears hungry all the time, get her weighed frequently to ensure that she is growing adequately. If your baby is gaining weight, having at least 6 wet nappies a day, and is relatively happy in between feeds which may be very frequent in the early days, lengthening to a few hours after a few weeks; then you can rest assured that you have enough milk. Your stress and anxiety, a poor diet and inadequate fluid intake all play a part in hampering breast milk production. Make sure you are eating enough protein (you need to increase your protein intake three fold whilst breast feeding), drinking at least a litre of fluid a day and that feeding times are relaxed and calm. The main hormone that ensures adequate milk production

August 2, 2017

Anger in Children: When is it a Problem?

Anger is a normal emotion that every happy healthy adult and child has to deal with from time to time. When does expressing anger become a problem? Children go through different stages with their age that affect the way they deal with anger. Anger is usually not a root emotion, but a term that may cover feelings ranging from embarrassment, frustration, loneliness to guilt. A newborn baby expresses their “anger” or frustration over being hungry, tired or uncomfortable by screaming and crying. A two-year-old may throw tantrums that include rolling around on the floor or trying to hit the parent, sibling or even their pet. As a child gets older, hopefully proper responses to anger have been modelled for them and they can learn to express their anger more appropriately. Anger becomes a problem when it causes negative, aggressive behaviour, gets out of control and when the root cause of the problem isn’t being dealt with. For instance, often children with undiagnosed learning disabilities will have frequent angry outbursts. They may be feeling frustrated because they are struggling to learn and it may feel like the world is closing in on them when parents or teachers suggest that they aren’t trying hard enough or doing their best. Because the child isn’t able to deal with the real issue, they become angry over small incidents that would normally be insignificant. This helps them to avoid feeling “stupid” or incapable. Once the problem is discovered and the child gets the help, support and proper discipline that is needed, the angry outbursts become less frequent or disappear altogether. It is important that children learn how to express their emotions in a healthy and constructive manner. A child should never be told that their feelings are wrong, though they may need reminding if their behaviour is wrong. For instance you might say, “Johnny, I understand that you are angry about your brother breaking your toy, that wasn’t fair, but it is not okay to hit when you are angry.” The child needs to know that his feelings are validated and should also be given some ideas about how to handle the situation better the next time they are in a similar position. Anger is a normal emotion for people of all ages, including children. Good communication and modelling good behaviour are two of the best ways to help children learn to deal with anger. Taking the time to praise your child whenever he or she does anything that is positive can also help them understand what it expected and feel good about doing what is right. Take the time to check yourself to see if you spend too much time being negative or angry and find ways to be more positive. If the parents in the home aren’t dealing with anger appropriately, they can’t expect the child to. Be willing to admit when you are wrong and apologise to your child, teaching them to do the same. If you suspect that your child has a serious anger problem, it may be time to get some additional help and guidance. Written by: Ray Subs Ray Subs is a public relations consultant working to promote the Help Your Child with Anger Blog.

July 30, 2017

Guidelines For Step Families

Stepfamilies are very common in today’s world. However, the complications can be numerous and it can be a significant amount of time for everybody to adjust to their new set-up. Relationships with new partners have to be negotiated as well as relationships with ex-spouses, one’s own children and the children of one’s new partner. Psychologists at the Sandton Psychology Centre who work with families offer the following advice: The couple must make time to nurture their relationship.Embarking on a new relationship or marriage where two families come together needs a solid foundation.The couple (or the new spouses) will have to deal with numerous challenges and therefore it is essential that they can communicate effectively and that their needs are met within the relationship. It is also important that the new spouses/partners have worked through their past anger and all the emotional “baggage” that comes from a former relationship. This is especially important, as to thrive in a new relationship one has to know where the previous one failed, and what role they played in the demise of the previous relationship. (This is often not as easy as it appears, as one tends to blame the previous partner and their shortcomings for the failure of the relationship). The couple needs to support each other and discuss parenting issues (which will be numerous). In new stepfamilies it is often better for the biological parent to do the majority of the parenting and disciplining of their biological children initially. The new partner or spouse should be encouraged to build a relationship with the child prior to partaking in the discipline of the child, for example. Authority as a stepparent should therefore be gradual. Children will feel aggrieved and usually oppose the authority of somebody that it is not their “real Mom or Dad”. Some children even worry that their parent has changed if somebody else takes on the disciplinarian role. Communication is key in discussing issues that will inevitably crop up regarding the children. Parent and step-parent should be clear about, and communicate their boundaries, their expectations, their hopes, their fears, their values, their beliefs and their thoughts about consequences of various behaviours and so forth. These talks should be held in private, as children should not be privy to disagreements. Issues relating to biological and step-children are one of the most common reasons for new step-families to falter. If you do not feel that this aspect of your relationship is functioning effectively it is highly recommended that you seek couples counselling/marriage therapy or guidance from a child psychologist. Don’t waste time playing the blaming game. In a complex set-up like step-families it can be very easy to fall in the trap of blaming others (the ex-spouse, the present spouse, step-children, relatives..…..) for problems that arise. Be aware that blaming doesn’t solve the problem but just serves to make matters worse. Especially be careful of blaming or talking badly about a stepchild’s biological parent as the child will only feel angry, sad, depressed or confused. The biological parent will always be the parent of the child no matter what they’re like as individuals. Instead of blaming, one’s mindset has to be changed into “ this is the problem……and this is how we are going to resolve it…” Respect, respect and more respect. Show respect for all members of the nuclear family and the new blended family. Think about what respect means for you (for example, you may disagree with another’s viewpoint but it is no reason to cut them off or speak badly about them). Respect of others is especially important when there are children in the mix. If children feel that they are being treated with respect it is much more likely that they will become respectful members of society. Respect does not mean that you give to a child’s every whim, however respect is when you acknowledge the child’s feelings, even if you don’t necessarily agree or understand why they’re saying what they are. If, for example the child is missing the other parent, to be respectful of their feelings means to allow them that feeling. It is no use, therefore in this case, to say to the child “you’re just being silly, you just saw your Mom/Dad the other day”. It is more beneficial to acknowledge their feelings “…I can see you are feeling sad…. it must be really hard not to see Mom/Dad everyday like before…..” Encourage children to enjoy time with their biological parents. This is two-fold scenario and means that the biological parent and step-parent need to be positive about the child/children visiting the other parent. This means no bad mouthing of the ex-spouse and no interrogating children about what transpired at the other household and so forth. In addition it also means that the new spouse has to “allow” some time for the parent and their biological child in their new set-up. Be especially aware of what activities the biological parent partook with their child/children prior to the new relationship as it is often wise to continue this special time together. Remember that children will have suffered numerous losses after their parents separated, divorced or broke-up. Whilst some losses are inevitable, try to limit them as much as possible. Stepparents cannot and shouldn’t try replace the biological parent. First of all it is a no win situation. Sometimes stepparents fantasize that they will be a better parent than the biological parent and that the child will love them more etc.This is unlikely, (although there are definitely some stepparents that can parent better than a biological parent), the fact remains that the biological parent is always the parent of that child; it is a role that cannot be replaced by someone else. In other words no matter how bad the biological parent is and how good the stepparent is, the child will always have only two parents. This, however does not mean that the child cannot have a loving relationship with their stepparent, they certainly can

July 28, 2017

Rivalry Between Siblings

The marvel of having a sibling, it can be a blessing for some and for others it could be a whole different and negative experience. The art of mastering sibling rivalry is yet to be achieved. The saying of it takes two to tango, two forces to collide; there are many, and all boils down to the cause of the tension or the circumstances the siblings find themselves in. Environmental stressors can also play a role in igniting tension in siblings and in the way siblings resolve conflict. As parents we try to install good values and manners in our children and they develop an internal believe system, as well as morals of what is right and wrong. Sometimes they will test the waters, as well as your patience to gain the upper hand and to get what they want. Strong guidelines and borders are needed to teach them the value and meaning of discipline and for them to take you seriously. Each child is striving to own his/her own unique identity, personality and independence. In that process there may be challenges, road blocks and obstacles that the child faces, and could be reasons for the outbursts. The disagreement could be provoked by a third party, or an object, the root of it all is sometimes not clear, but the disagreement seems valid at the time. The sibling may think afterwards that it was all a silly attempt to win or gain something that is not that valuable in any ways. Disagreements could be about size, amount or value of the item. Negative bouts could be caused by an array of triggers namely, sweets, toys, gifts, tiredness, hunger, jealousy, taking turns, making choices, boredom and long trips. Rivalries between siblings are inevitable, and most of the times you cannot escape from that, but always know that you should strive for a good and positive outcome for both parties involved. It doesn’t matter if it’s a boy or a girl, it could be opposite gender or the same gender. It also depends on the age of the child, when they are younger, temper tantrums are prone to happen when something is taken away or not given or handed over immediately. The temper tantrum can escalate or it can be controlled in a healthy and positive manner. For a parent, guardian or caregiver it could be a challenge to install control between siblings It takes patience and a clear plan to defuse the situation. Sibling rivalry could be an ongoing situation or it could only last a few years. It is valuable to teach your child the value of solving difficulties and to be a good example of how you solve conflict. Consistency is the key for your child to understand how things work and what the healthy way is to solve any problems.

July 26, 2017

Tips for helping a shy child

If you have a shy or timid child you know that it can sometimes tug at your heart-strings and be pretty painful. You have so many hopes and dreams for your child and want to wave that magic wand and make all the discomforts and problems disappear. Unfortunately, it is not so simple. I have come to realize that understanding behaviour is half the battle. Once you understand why your child is shy you can give your child the tools to try to overcome shyness and deal better with the situations that make him or her uncomfortable. Being a shy child myself I truly understand how painful being in social situations can be. Any help and any tools you can give your child will be stepping-stones to a well-balanced childhood. A shy toddler is usually a child that was born with a more introverted and sensitive personality. This does not have to be a negative quality as long as your child is comfortable in most situations. Keep in mind that personality and temperament is not something you can or should want to change. Helping your child gain confidence in social setting is the goal. Remember, shyness does not have to be debilitating. In order to help your child I would suggest that you consider your expectations. Your child has his or her own unique strengths and abilities as well as comfort levels. Ask yourself if there is any behaviour of yours that should be changed in order to help your child. For instance, if someone comments about your child’s shyness how do you react and respond? Do you push your child in certain situations hoping that will help? Here are a few guidelines that may help you and your child: Shy children are usually a bit anxious to try not to push your shy child into a new activity. A shy child will like to take his or her time to size things up and settle in . They usually gain confidence by watching first , participating second. Eye contact is key in most situations. A shy child will usually avoid eye contact. You can help by practicing eye contact throughout the day. When talking with your child calmly and quietly say ” look at me” or “put your eyes on my eyes”. If this doesn’t work try ” I want to see your pretty eyes”. As a last resort you can always say “look at the bridge of my nose” and that will eventually lead to eye contact. The more you practice the easier eye contact will become. Enforce confidence in new situations by rehearsing conversation starters. You can rehearse simple things such as smiling , shaking hands and saying hello. Practice with puppets and dolls or a telephone …all great ways to rehearse and practice, helping your child to be more at ease is the goal. Try arranging one on one play time. A situation with one playmate will be much easier for the shy child to handle. Invite a friend over, turn off the tv to encourage conversation and playtime. Keep the playdate on the short side leaving your child happy and confident and wanting more. This is our last tip…..don’t label! Labeling your child “shy” is something that can and most likely will, stick with him or her for the rest of their life. If someone else labels your child as shy you can gently and calmly correct them by saying ” No, he just likes to watch first” . Smile at your child and show that you are proud of him or her no matter what! Written by: petiteposh

July 25, 2017

Lower Your Standards

This evening my husband came home and said to me, “Your hair looks lovely!” and while I desperately tried to remember what I had done differently to it today, not sure if I had even looked in the mirror at all today, he continued with, “I like the Bornean thing you have going on.” And then I remembered. I did nothing to my hair today. The wild, curly “Bornean” look I was sporting was a result of me having to be in about six places at once this morning, while he obliviously fell out of bed and dashed out the door to work. I had to get four kids out of bed – two to their respective visual therapies, one to hockey and one dressed and ready for his mom to collect, looking mildly presentable so that she didn’t wonder if he’d slept, brushed his teeth or even had breakfast today. Did he have breakfast? I can’t say for sure… there was cereal… and there was milk and sugar on the counter… someone had breakfast. Sometimes people see me in the shop with my three kids and they make comments along the lines of, “Wow. Three boys! How do you do it?” Sometimes I think, “It’s a breeze”. And other times I honestly look at them in my zombified stupor and giggle hysterically, “Wow! This woman thinks I am actually doing it!” Three is not just one more than two. Exponentially, there are so many more dynamics in our family than other families have to contend with. We have a friend who is a bit of a mathematical freak, and he works out stuff like this. When they were calmly calculating the pros and cons of whether or not to increase their brood from two offspring to three, he actually worked it all out. I kid you not. (This is his formula: [n x (n – 1)] /2 ) And the dynamics you have to deal with, in terms of relationships alone, are quite something. And who knows what it is for four, five and six kid families! Each family has their own set of challenges, and I am not presuming to be special, nor make insignificant anyone else’s load. But generally, for all of us, I think we do all wonder how we do it. And I think I know the answer. We lower our standards. It simply is the only way to manage. If I continued to try have the neat and organised home I would like, and the ‘everything in its place’ at all times dream, I think I would simply go completely batsh!t crazy. It just doesn’t happen. And it’s not because I am lazy. It’s because I just can’t find it in me every day to be that much of a stringent drill sergeant. This is my formula: Kids are messy + Life is busy + Time is precious = Lower your standards. I am past worrying about the state of my house when people simply pop in. If we have three sets of school books and homework all over the table, then so be it. Or if we have been baking, (you know, on those days when I wake up with a Gandhi-like patience to have three boys in the kitchen at once) and there is flour all over, then that is just how that is that day. Or if we decide to lie on the grass and come up with cloud animals and pictures, and the beds don’t get made or the dishes just pile up, then that is what the plan for that day is. We are making memories. And memories can be messy. So I’ve lowered my standards. It took a good few years of me feeling like a lousy everything (mother, business person, housekeeper, wife) but I have finally accepted that my house will one day be beautifully pristine, but ghostly quiet, and then I am sure I will miss the mess and noise. For now, it is noisy and messy and a bit disorganized, but it is how it is. So if you visit on one of those days, I am unapologetically going to admit to you that I have lowered my standards, to have more time with my kids, to have more memories in their stores, and quite frankly, to just keep myself sane. Lowering my standards was very difficult at first, but now that I have my head around it, I feel quite liberated. I am not so stressed about how I look on days when the Bornean hairdo has to suffice. I am not overly anxious about how my house looks, if everything is not exactly in its place or the beds aren’t made with army precision. I have lowered my standards to a point that doesn’t make me completely frazzled, but that also allows me to enjoy being mom. And a happy mom, means more emotional space to be able to cope with the demands of this crazy, busy, messy life. So join the movement folks. Lower your standards and expectations. Unless you are Martha Stewart donning a SuperParent cape… it’s ok to have off days and messy days, and to once in a while not be perfect. Cut yourselves some slack – we are all doing the best we can and that is enough. I’m off to look in the mirror and see if this Bornean look actually works for me, because who knows, tomorrow I may need to wear it again.

July 24, 2017

Baby’s first visit to the doctor

Diana Du Plessis on behalf of Philips Mother and Child Division It’s only natural for parents to worry about their baby’s health – they seem so fragile and as new parents, you are likely to panic about every cry, rash or change in behaviour. However, many niggles are a natural part of baby’s development and can be treated at home and as you become more experienced, you get to you know your baby better – enabling you to understand their cries and needs – where the anxiety somewhat settles and you become more adept in dealing with minor ailments. Many of the problems experienced in the early months are usually related to the baby adjusting to the new environment. Their skin might be flaky or there may be skin blotches that look unsightly. They will also be vulnerable to minor infections such as eye infections and thrush and, although it is a common occurrence, it will without a doubt worry you. In fact, it is a given that your baby will become unwell with at least one minor illness in the first year of life and you might find it difficult to assess if they need to be taken to the doctor. A rule of thumb is: They are crying more or different than usual Not taking his/her feeds Generally seem “off” – lethargic, restless or irritable for example. * See Symptom Checklist If you suspect that something is wrong, make a note of what symptoms you observed and contact your medical practitioner or clinic sister urgently as young babies can become very ill, quickly. Trust your instincts, especially in the first months. Finding the right doctor It is not necessary to take your baby to the paediatrician every time they seem ill. Your GP is well trained to manage all general symptoms, however, it is always better to choose a person who is experienced with babies and who can relate to children. If your doctor seems insensitive to the needs of the child, you may want to consider a different doctor. Ask family or friends with children who they trust – word of mouth goes a long way! Some medical centres make a real effort to accommodate mothers with young children and offer toys and books, while others do not (let this be a subtle clue to you) and as such, it might be necessary to pack your own toys and some clean clothes (if nausea is a symptom). Whatever the case, it is essential to feel comfortable and confident about who treats your baby. Ensure that the practitioner you choose is qualified and registered with the appropriate professional organisations. Ask the practitioner or receptionist about her training and number of years in practice. Trust your intuition – if you don’t like or feel confident with the practitioner you have chosen, or if the baby doesn’t seem settled with him or her, go elsewhere. Meeting the doctor If you haven’t met the doctor yet, you might feel anxious, but at the onset, tell him who you are and what you do/did before you had the baby. Make it clear that you will be with your baby throughout the consultation – this is especially essential when the child is bigger and able to understand. What’s more it’s important to keep your baby on your lap, facing the doctor, so that they feel safe and not suddenly confronted with a stranger touching them. Do not hand your baby over to the doctor without telling them you are there – make eye contact so that your baby can always see you. To ensure you get the best out of the visit, here are some tips: Have a note ready with your baby’s symptoms or some of you your concerns. Don’t be scared to tell them about the home remedies you used. Rather be open and honest, as some remedies may interfere with the treatment that the doctor prescribes. Don’t worry if you feel you are being dramatic. Babies rely on their mother to identify problems. If you are concerned about a possible contact with measles, mention it to the doctor, they don’t have X-ray vision after all. Remember, it’s not always necessary to go to a medical practitioner. Many of the first illnesses can be diagnosed and treated effectively by a good clinic sister. However, do not hesitate to obtain medical help and support if you think your baby or child is sick. Prevention or early management of small problems is much better than reactive courses. It’s natural to worry as a parent but often times a few adjustments can help the minor ailment experienced. Having said that however, it’s essential that you watch your baby, their reactions to food, their weight and of course if they are in any pain or discomfort to ensure you can consult your medical practitioner to ensure your baby’s start is a healthy, happy one. Symptom Checklist Fever (over 37,5 C) Monitor 4-6 hourly Diarrhea (very runny or watery stools & mucus) Vomiting (more than twice in 24 hours) Rashes (that do not resolve untreated within 24 hours) Sore throat & fever Earache & fever Swollen glands (which often indicate the beginning of an infection) Coughing if prolonged or accompanied by mild shortness of breath & a reddened or blue face. Eyes (reddened or pink or a mucus or pus discharge) Headache & neck stiffness General irritability and crying with a constant need for attention Abdominal pain (especially in the right lower abdomen) Shortness of breath (especially if your child is asthmatic) Burning on urination Passing mucus in the stool Joint pain especially if accompanied by fever

July 24, 2017

9 Super ideas on how to empower your domestic worker or nanny

By Super Nannies There are approximately one million, mainly African women, who are domestic workers and nannies in South Africa. According to CASE (Community Agency for Social Enquire), in the last decade very little progress has been made in reducing poverty. To date the recession has not helped this progress. As the employer of a domestic worker or nanny in your home, you have the opportunity to make a difference. Here are some wonderful empowerment ideas you can offer your domestic worker or her child. 1. Nanny training courses for domestic nannies Give your nanny the confidence she needs to care for and stimulate your child in a safe environment. Training your domestic worker to become a nanny is upgrading her job status and salary from a domestic to a child carer, giving her more responsibility and a better income. Price range: R1900 – R2000 Register here 2. Child safety and First Aid courses for domestic nannies Give your nanny the confidence to deal with home emergencies or any crisis that may occur while your children are in her care. Providing her with lifesaving skills not only enables her to help your family, but she is then in a position to provide assistance to her own family and community with her First Aid and CPR skills Price range: R600 – R1200 Register here 3. Driving lessons for domestic nannies Teach your nanny to drive. Save time on grocery shopping and lifting children to and from extra mural activities and any other little errands for the home. Teaching your nanny to drive can be a three (3) to six (6) month process that involves the nanny obtaining her learners licence, taking driving lessons and completing a driving licence test. 4. Cooking classes for domestic nannies Teach your nanny to cook a nutritious, home cooked meal. By teaching your nanny how to cook a variety of meals, you can ensure your family is getting fresh, nutritious food. Not just the quick readymade meals available from our local supermarkets. Having meal times already prepared or even just prepped, will give you quality time with your children in the afternoon and evening. Price range: R2200 – R2500 Enquire here 5. Swimming classes for domestic nannies Teach your nanny how to swim. If you have a pool and your children are allowed to swim, it is vital that the adult present, can swim, in case of an emergency. This is a great life skill which will give your domestic worker or child carer a wonderful sense of achievement. Price range (Approximately R1300 for 8 lessons) Enquire here 6. Housekeeping course for domestic workers and nannies Up skill your char from a domestic worker to a super-efficient housekeeper. If your nanny shows initiative and pride in her work, offer her the skills she needs to become your housekeeper. An efficient housekeeper can clean the home, she knows how to delegate her time according to her tasks, and she has the ability to plan head and can manage any maintenance issues and workers in your house. Price range: (R800 – R2000) Enquire here 7. School education for your domestic nanny’s child. Help your nanny’s child get a good education. This is the most powerful way to make a difference to your domestic worker and enable her family to move into a better social class and have higher earning potential. Many families who can afford to pay will send their nanny’s child to a local school in the suburb where they live. 8. Retirement planning for your domestic nanny Provide your nanny with a pension fund. Give your nanny that peace of mind to know that she will have some financial stability later on in her golden years. Many loyal domestic workers mostly retire without any pension of provident funds savings for their old age – making them financially dependent on the state pension, which is currently R1600 (2017) per month. Most domestic workers are prepared to contribute if their employers are willing to meet them halfway. By taking the financial pressure of the next generation, will also give her children a better chance to further themselves. Old Mutual does offer pension funds for domestic workers. 9. Skills development programmes for your nanny’s child School leavers especially young men can study and train through the Military Skills Development System (MSDS). This is a wonderful opportunity for school leavers whose mothers (domestic nannies and chars) do not have the funds to send them on for a tertiary education at technikons or universities. If these young adults have a grade 12 qualification, they can join this programme under the SANDF. The aim of this new training is not to provide the youth of the country with only military skills, but rather to teach them basic life skills that are required in a work environment. The military environment is just used as a platform to instil discipline, routine and work ethic. The new recruits will undergo various training aimed to providing specialists to the SANDF such as engineers, pilots, doctors, dentists and naval combat officers. The recruits that do leave can apply some of the skills they learn in the Defence Force to their private sector jobs as well. For more information on the above courses and skill programmes, please contact Super Nannies at [email protected]

July 21, 2017

Four Ways That Parents Can De-Stress

I watched 3 little children in a store yesterday as they chipped away at their mother’s sense of calmness. One child asked her questions, another one spoke loudly over the other two, and the third must have been over tired as she whined and kept hitting the other two children in the shopping cart. Mom finally succumbed to the stress and snapped at them to STOP THE NOISE. It did nothing to quell the chaos. I remember the moments of stress while raising my own 3 children. The noise and the chatter would sometimes get to me easily. I had to learn how to calm myself so that I did not take out my stress on the three little kids who just wanted to be heard and who felt like they were fighting for my attention in competition with their siblings. On a recent episode of my television show Creating Cooperative Kids, I interviewed a parent time and stress management coach who offered tips for parents. Virginia Ann Griffiths (we-leap.com) said the number one thing that parents can do anywhere to calm down is to breathe intentionally. What she meant by this is to breathe deeply to get oxygen to our brain so we will have the power to remain calm in moments of chaos. Here are more tips for parents for distressing. Intentional Breathing. Close your eyes for just a moment and slowly pull in a series of deep breaths through your nose. Feel the air going into your lungs and imagine that you can see the air filling your lungs. Hold it just of a second and then breathe out through your mouth. Just a couple of deep breaths can help you calm down and think clearly before reacting. Quiet Toys. Keep small quiet toys in your purse to give to the kids when they begin to act up. They are likely to create temporary distractions that will give you a few moments of silence to calm yourself. Although many parents hand their child their cell phone or a tablet, avoid this solution. Small media devices are not healthy alternatives for small children. Engage Them in Your Shopping. If you’re out shopping with your children, create a list of items that you’re looking for and get them to help you locate them. Be sure to set up rules in advance before entering the store (such as remaining in the shopping cart and what you are not willing to buy) and get them involved in the adventure. For younger children, cut out and provide for them, pictures of items to find as a way of helping. Take Care of Yourself. Make it a priority to take time out for you whenever you can. Make use of family members and friends who can take the kids for short periods of time so you can have time to yourself. Other matters that seem to be urgent can take over the little time you have away from the kids, but don’t let it. Schedule in time to take care of yourself physically, spiritually, socially and emotionally.

July 20, 2017

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

MBI Attorneys, share advice on the subject of divorce and reveal this law firms unique approach. How often as parents have we all used spelling a word out as a device to prevent our children from understanding what we are talking about? The hit country and western song of the above name goes a long way towards exposing the complexities and pain attached to divorce. “The spelling out loud of ‘divorce’ by singer Tammy Wynette was certainly a parody but also a soulful rendition of the tale of a parent using an age old ruse in order to spare her child from hearing the dreaded word,” says Beverly Brown, senior partner and co-founder of MBI Attorneys. The song is a divorcee’s perspective on the pending collapse of the marriage. Although written from the woman’s angle it aptly represents either side of the gender coin in the divorce stakes with both parties trying to protect the children caught in the middle and yet get off the battlefield with as few wounds as possible. “I thought it would never happen to me, is a phrase I have heard many times in consultation with clients grappling with this life changing decision and seeking guidance on how to proceed. “Indeed in many instances over the seventeen years I have been practicing as a family law attorney, I have consulted with clients who have not yet finalised that decision in their minds and who desperately seek insight into the impact it would have on their family, their lives and their financial future,” she adds. Beverly says there are a myriad of reasons why people can move to considering divorce. “Some are what would be considered obvious – infidelity; physical or verbal abuse; drug or alcohol addiction. Financial pressure is high on the list and places immense stress on a marriage. In fact studies show that in times of recession divorce statistics rocket skywards. “Other reasons can be of a more subtle nature with insidious changes in a relationship taking place over time with one party changing to an extent that the other can no longer tolerate. This eventually leads to the realisation that living apart is probably the only decision if both partners are to provide a happy environment for their children and themselves,” says Beverly. The harsh reality. Chantelle Martins, partner, MBI attorneys, adds that the implications of this harsh reality are immense. “The financial impact of having to sustain two households from the same income that to date has often barely managed to sustain one, is only one consideration. “There are also the emotional implications – everyone is wounded and egos are dented but the latter needs to be put aside where children are concerned. Attorneys don’t usually look at the wellness aspect of a pending divorce but this is essential and fundamental to how MBI approaches divorce. The emotional or social implications can include loss of friendships; anxiety and even depression which in turn holds implications for the entire family unit,” notes Chantelle. So, what to do when the decision is taken? Beverly advises that the first thing to do is to take responsibility for the choice of attorney. “You can go to a lawyer for a legal solution but be aware that this may not be a practical solution for your family. “What you need is an attorney who will support you whilst driving the process in your best interest. Selecting an attorney is easy – find one who truly understands your particular situation. In short – the lawyer must ‘get it’. If they don’t ‘get it’ – walk on – they are not right for you. You need an attorney who truly understands the reality of the immense trauma you are suffering which often includes living on enemy territory,” says Beverly. MBI takes the approach of empowering our clients with knowledge and understanding of the legal process and the available options. Chantelle explains: “In collaboration with the client we prepare a carefully considered strategy which aims to put the client back in control of their lives. This translates into dignity and respect for clients at a time in their lives when many, if not all, are overwhelmed by events. “The mantra of this practice is founded on three key values: Know your client Know your client and above all – Know your client! “This is critical in terms of the first step in divorce – which is the issuing of the summons. Where children are involved this is a strategic move involving immense sensitivities that must be taken into account. “In hostile situations we assist clients by calculating the impact of actions on the entire family unit. We strive to guide clients and their families to understand that despite the fact that times are tough and even sad for them, this is how they will deal with it and get through it,” notes Chantelle. “A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there’s less of you.” This is a quote from author Margaret Atwood but according to Beverly it does not have to be like that. “A strong support network of friends and family is crucial. But it must be the right support in the shape of people who are capable of making a paradigm shift and putting themselves in your shoes, as opposed to offering solace based on their personal history or disappointments. “There is no doubt that divorce is a lonely journey so we encourage clients to establish a support network but to be discerning about who they discuss the fine details with and to be wary about taking advice from others working through their own emotional scar tissue.” Beverly says Resilience is crucial. “Finding reserves will be difficult but knowing that you are part of the solution to this life problem and working hand in hand with your legal team brings confidence.” Learn what resources your legal team has available, if any. What is meant by that? “In the foregoing I have outlined

July 20, 2017

Grieving with children

I’ve done a fair bit of grief counselling over my time since internship until now and one thing has always struck me as a significant reflection after each such session: We are often so unprepared to deal with death, especially the first time around and even more so when it strikes without advanced warning. This thing that is a part of our lives and the life of every other human being and living, breathing organism so often hits us so hard. Objectively speaking, it really shouldn’t seem as scary as it is, given that it as much a part of our cycle as is first being born, facing puberty, adulthood, mid-life and eventually old age. Then again, don’t each of those stages come with their own traumatic consequences, sometimes hitting harder than grief ever will? So, how do people cope more peacefully or less chaotically in any traumatic event? Resilience and preparedness are the two main factors that play a role. How much did you know about what happened and how “tough” were you to it? If you look at people who have endured the loss of a close loved one, often their grief process is less severe the second time around. This is because they have been through this and have some of the requisite coping skills from before. So, how do we prepare or help those we care for most, with one of the hardest matters they’ll ever face? So much depends on their age and their ability to conceptualise the loss they are faced with, as such there is not necessarily a “one size fits all” approach, although there are a few pointers listed below that may help along the way: For children of any age, it’s worth focussing on the following: Pay attention to them, remind them of their importance, and validate their opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Be patient and open minded. Allow them to grieve in their own way, as this is their own unique process. Have time to sit with them, listen and answer their questions, as there will be many. Reassure them the circumstances of to the death were extreme and it is unlikely other adults in their lives will die any time soon (unless this is untrue). Let them know that a range of different emotions are normal and that they’re likely to feel all sorts of things like anger and confusion. Validate their feelings and do not minimise them with expressions like “It’ll all be over soon”. Check in with other adults involved in their life to make sure they are doing as ok as can be expected, or that they are not showing more extreme signs of grief away from the home. Stay in touch with school, mentors, coaches etc. For those who find it still difficult to discuss loss with their children, here’s a short list of books that can help with the process, depending on the type of loss encountered. Krasny-Brown, L. and M. Brown: When Dinosaurs Die Thomas, P.: I Miss You: A first look at death Clifton, L.: Everett Anderson’s Goodbye Holmes, M.: Molly’s Mom Died and Sam’s Dad Died Vigna, J.: Saying Goodbye to Daddy Old, W.: Stacy Had a Little Sister Cohen, J.: I Had a Friend Named Peter Coleman, P.: Where the Balloons Go DePaola, T.: Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs Thomas, J.: Saying Goodbye to Grandma

July 19, 2017

What is the difference between a night nurse and a night nanny?

Your babies have arrived home and you are so excited to finally have two or even three bundles to finally put into the nursery that you have spent countless hours decorating. There has been many a day you have sat in the arm chair carefully positioned staring into the cots dreaming about the moment you will get to see and touch your babies. You couldn’t wait to hear the cries and immediately kick into ‘ mom mode” and take charge of the situation offering endless hugs and kisses. That can all change in one sleepless night as you begin to wonder how you are going to get through the night and still sleep and then take care of your babies during the day. Many families resort the use of a night nanny or night nurse. This is a costly exercise but as many will tell you even one or two nights off “mom and dad” duty a week can give anybody the sanity that they miss. Aupairs Exclusive has been placing night nurses in Gauteng and KZN for ten years. They find that the most common schedule is to have a nurse work is from Sunday to Thursday night as dad is home to help on a Friday and Saturday night. Another common option is one night on and one night off, this makes it more affordable and still gives you a chance to have some sleep. For this option you are ideally looking at a Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday night. What is the difference between a night nurse and a night nanny? The biggest difference would be the qualifications. A night nurse is exactly as it states a qualified nurse who has worked either in the maternity ward, paediatrics or NICU. A night nanny is a lady who has a care workers certificate and has also completed her practicals. Both ladies could have also completed a basic sleep training course that Aupairs Exclusive offers and is taught by Pikanini Baby Academy. They ladies will also earn different salaries. Both ladies will wear a uniform when on duty How long are their contracts? There is no minimum requirement for this so one can employ a nurse for one week or for six months to a year. it is entirely up to you. The norm is to have a person for 3 months and then extend it month by month if needed until you babies are sleeping through. Nobody wants to pay someone to sit and watch their babies sleep. What do I need to provide for my night nurse? So long as there is a comfortable armchair in the room for her to sit on nothing else is needed. Some households have a single bed in the room if there is enough space. This is not always recommend as you don’t want your nurse falling into a deep sleep. Another option is to allow the nurse to sit in the lounge and watch TV quietly if you have baby monitors that she can use. Providing meals is not expected but tea and coffee and a light snack is something that should be available for her during the night Can I use a night nurse if I am breast feeding? Most definitely. The nurse will come and wake you up at the time you have asked her to and then assist you with the breast feeding. She may help you latch the babies on if you are struggling. She will then take them and burp them as they finish drinking, change their nappies and put them back to sleep. This assistance cuts down your awake time and you don’t need to stay in the room and still try and settle them. If baby drinks slowly this allows you time to bond with this baby while the other one is being attended to. What duties can you expect the nurse to perform? If it fits into your schedule she can bath the babies when she arrives. She will then prepare bottles, feed the babies, burp them and put them down to sleep. The nurse will also empty the nappy bins and wash and sterilise bottles before she leaves in the morning. You can also expect her to keep a chart so that you know what time the babies ate, how much they ate and if they had any dirty nappies. What are the working hours of a night nurse? The ladies work a 12 hour shift, the most common is 18 h00 to 6am or 19h00 to 7am. The seven to seven option is usually better as this allows the night nurse time to give a hand over to any day staff that may be arriving What should I look for when I am interviewing potential candidates? The ideal candidate will have worked previously in homes with multiples. Hospital trained staff are not necessarily the best candidates because they have many hands to help them while on shift so they have not taken sole care of a child for 12 hours. A former night nanny will have taken care of the twins on her own for 12 hours and this is the type of reference you want. You would also want to know if she knows about sleep training and if it is a method you approve of. An important question you could ask is how will she feed two babies at the same time and then put them down to sleep. Very important is that the mom feels a connection with the candidate. The bedroom is small and if your are breast feeding you are going o be spending a lot of time with her. You do not want someone that you clash with. Some moms want a nurse that comes in and takes over, this is often the case with first time moms. Other moms would prefer a nurse that listens to their requirements and follows the routine set out by the mom even if it is not something

July 17, 2017

Mom vs. Dad

A recent YouTube advert made use of the hackneyed Battle of the Sexes cliché to sell a detergent. Dad said he was better than Mom, and Mom insisted that she was far superior, while the kids (a nice, round pigeon pair) smiled vapidly on. Just a commercial, I know, but the concept irked me. I guess that’s because I’ve found that there’s no room in a healthy relationship for the kind of competition that that has a winner and a loser. To be clear, I’m not talking about light-hearted contests. My husband and I have always used sudden death Rock, Paper, Scissors to instantly resolve minor disputes. Neither of us wants to change Finn’s poop nappy? The fists go up and we count it down. The loser accepts his or her fate instantly and the winner can’t be a jerk about it. The same goes for dishes, dustbins, cockroaches, designated driving, etc. It’s made our lives so much easier! When I talk about competition, I mean the invasive idea that one partner is superior to the other. I believe this kind of ethos is destructive in general, but particularly so when it comes to parenting. In fact, I think that when this is the prevailing mindset, everyone loses. Why it has to be win-win Picture the scenario: Dad’s changing a nappy, but kiddo is screaming and writhing, so Dad’s getting frustrated. Mom hears and comes over. She swoops in, gives the tot something to play with, and takes over while telling Dad where he went wrong, and why he really should do it her way. (Full disclaimer, I’m the Mom here… it’s me.) The little one is now fresh and clean, but Mom could have dealt better with the situation. Dad is left feeling irritated and maligned, like his efforts weren’t appreciated, and kiddo saw that his parents are a divided front. But so what? The thing is, even though I’m much faster at nappy changing, it’s good for my hubby to (ahem) get his hands dirty. And he does so willingly. Not only does it involve him in the everyday childrearing, it’s also good for our son to see that the father’s role includes the messy jobs as well. As strange as it sounds, it’s also a special form of Dude Bonding (totally a thing). In my own life, I find that things run smoother when hubby and I support and encourage, rather than compete and crow. Marital harmony aside, there are other reasons to embrace our differing parenting styles. Kids learn from our actions, not our words Anyone with children knows that you can talk about patience and sharing all day long, but the one time you slam a door in anger, or drop an f-bomb, seems to be the only time they were listening. There’s a huge sense of responsibility attached to this realisation, because we know that our behaviour will be mirrored by our children. If you consider the knock-on affects of this in their future relationships, then you know the importance of considering the way we behave as parents. I personally want my boy to grow up enjoying healthy relationships that nurture mutual respect and consideration. The only thing I can do to promote this is to demonstrate it in our home. Kids pick up that parents can be manipulated When children realise they can play Mom and Dad against each other for their own nefarious gains, even innocuous competition between parents can become a real issue. Some couples find that this kind of friction is seriously destructive to their relationship. What’s more, it teaches children how to be devious in order to get what they want. Learning about manipulation is a life lesson we all get, but the home should be a place where such behaviour is discouraged, and replaced with honest communication. The cure, according to the Super Granny, is to ensure a united front. Mom and Dad need to be on the same page when it comes to discipline and routines. This way our kids discover that no really does mean no – sucha vital lesson for so many reasons! Lack of consistency lays weak foundations In her book, A Brand-New Child in 5 Easy Steps, Andalene Salvesen (aka Super Granny) maintains that when our children are still very small, we need to implement secure boundaries. Obviously done with love and discerning, this sets the scene for when they’re older, and have different discipline needs. When we neglect to stay firm on important things (like not sitting on the stove because you could burn your bum, or not flushing mommy’s cell phone down the toilet because COME ON!) our kids lose out on the security that thoughtful boundary setting provides. In fact, when we’re lax on things while they’re still little, we don’t prepare the relationship’s trust for future years, when issues become bigger, and the consequences more serious. Not burning your but is easy, but carefully considering what pictures you post, or allowing other people to post, on social media is a little trickier. It’s important to nurture a relationship in which our daughter or son trusts our reasons for implementing boundaries, so they can rely on our consistency in the face of “grey areas”. When we do this, our kids grow up knowing that we are their safe space when they have bigger issues to deal with. It also helps them to develop their own moral framework for good decision-making when we’re not around. Hostile competitiveness breeds insecure children This is perhaps the most obviously destructive effect of the whole Mom vs. Dad phenomenon. It might not be the same for you, but when my hubby and I are fractious with each other in front of our boy, he lets us know that he’s stressed out. In any relationship there are times when you argue, or sometimes work through an issue that’s bigger than an “I’m sorry”. I guess the trick is to not let the issues in your

July 15, 2017

Favouritism And Your Children

When I go into homes I often hear comments like, ‘She is Mommy’s girl and that one is Daddy’s girl’ or ‘He’s the apple of my eye’ and such like. Comments like these stick with children. They realize that they can ‘never’ attain that place in Mommy’s or Daddy’s heart because it is already taken. Every child is unique and special and should be treated as such. There should never be an element of doubt that they are equally loved. Because of the complexity of different personalities in one home, It is common for a parent to prefer one child above another, or to just get on better with one more than the other. The child can easily misinterpret this preference as, ‘Mommy loves him more than me.’ And sometimes, sadly, this is the case! CS Lewis wrote: When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him. If you injure someone you dislike, you will find yourself disliking him more. If you do him a good turn, you will find yourself disliking him less. – CS Lewis, Mere Christianity In almost every family I have helped, there would typically be an introvert followed by an extrovert, or the other way around. The first two children are always opposite in my experience. It is easy to greet the ‘sunshine’ child with an excited ‘Morning!’ when he comes in with a huge smile in between yawning and rubbing his eyes to wake up, while his sibling comes in sullen and serious and is met with a more serene and subdued greeting. Children tend to pick up those underlying differences but misinterpret them as ‘one child is wrong and the other is right’. When a second child makes its arrival in the family, Dad generally takes on the task of bonding with the older one so Mom can be involved with the baby. This is great, but the time also needs to come where they swop over. Then eventually they receive equal attention. If the child constantly refuses to allow one parent to help or do anything, then that parent should insist on helping. This will transition smoothly if there is opportunity for bonding time; especially making opportunities for time with that parent alone. When a child feels like the second best, he will start taking it out on the sibling and the bond that they could have had will be broken. The picture portrayed should rather be Mom and Dad in a ‘team’ (a force to be reckoned with), and the children should be standing together. Too often I see an alliance formed between one parent and a child against the other parent and the other child.

July 15, 2017

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