Child - Parenting Hub

Advice from the experts

Four Ways We Teach Children – Can you think of others?

Asking Questions. Our children are smarter than we give them credit for. We are so worried that they are not going to do what is right, or we are in such a hurry that it just seems easier to give our children marching orders. But asking them questions is a far more effective teaching tool. Often, they know exactly what to do and when they come up with solutions to their own questions or challenges, it builds their problem-solving skills. I always encourage parents to refrain from telling their children what to do or from answering their questions so quickly. Instead, ask them questions such as “what do you think?” “what will you do now?” “what did you notice?” Asking children questions also builds their own confidence and strengthens their faith in themselves. Coaching. Taking the art of asking questions one step further, coaching adds two more elements that teach a child greater problem-solving skills: Telling a child what you see, and offering to help. Putting these three concepts together creates a powerful method for parenting that will build the child’s coping skills. You are not always going to be at your children’s side to protect them, so you have to arm them with the ability to cope and survive. Telling your children what you see provides a perspective that they can compare to their own assessment. Asking them questions invites creativity and solutions. And finally, offering to help gives them the courage to take on things that they might feel are too big for them; whether it’s putting on a bandage, choosing a book report project, or finding solutions to teen problems. Living Out Loud. Similar to living by example, this concept takes teaching one step further and works best with younger children. By living out loud, you seek opportunities to set an example by narrating what you’re doing. For example, you are watching television and your child is playing in the same room. You want your child to learn that television is not what life is all about and that it should be limited, so as you turn it off you say out loud for anyone to hear: “That’s enough television for me today.” If your spouse does something for you that demonstrates respect, say out loud: “I love it when mommy gets me a glass of water.” If you’re serving the meal and your child is at the table and watching, you could say: “Everyone gets a small serving of pasta because they need to leave room for the vegetables.” Using this narration will teach many wonderful messages about respectful living, boundaries and limits. Accomplishments. One final method for teaching your children is through the examples of your actions and individual accomplishments that will speak to them for many years. It is more than living by example and the things you do on a regular basis. It is about what you create that influences others. I think of these things as “our works” that contribute to making the world a better place to live. Doing so teaches children important lessons about the power we each have to give back to the world, and inspires them to do the same.

October 31, 2016

ADD/ ADHD And Alternative Treatments

Over the past years there have been many debates and controversy discussions around what Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is? Furthermore how it is diagnosed and what are all the options to treating the disorder? The definition of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) has been updated in the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). This revision is based on nearly two decades of research showing that ADHD, although a disorder that begins in childhood, can continue through adulthood for some people. Changes to the Disorder ADHD is characterized by a pattern of behaviour, present in multiple settings (e.g., school and home), that can result in performance issues in social, educational, or work settings. As in DSM-IV, symptoms will be divided into two categories of inattention and hyperactivity and impulsivity that include behaviours like failure to pay close attention to details, difficulty organizing tasks and activities, excessive talking, fidgeting, or an inability to remain seated in appropriate situations. Children must have at least six symptoms from either (or both) the inattention group of criteria and the hyperactivity and impulsivity criteria, while older adolescents and adults (over age 17 years) must present with five. Treatment options There are a number of treatment plans that are available to parents when making the appropriate decision when treating their child for ADD/ADHD. Nutritious meals, play, exercise, and learning better social skills are all part of a balanced treatment plan that can improve performance at school, improve your child’s relationships with others, and decrease stress and frustration. Pharmacological Treatment Stimulants such as Ritalin, Concerta and Adderall are often prescribed for attention deficit disorder. Such medications may help your child concentrate better or sit still, however there is a general debate as to whether or not medication is a ‘quick fix’ and what about the long term affects as well as immediate side effects of appetite suppression, insomnia and an overall change in the child’s personality? For some parents they have found medication to be the best result for their child, while others look for alternative treatments and see pharmacological treatment as the last resort. Homeopathy There are many other effective treatments that can help children as well as adults with ADD/ADHD to improve their ability to pay attention, control impulsive behaviour, and curb hyperactivity. According to Dr Raakhee Mistry who is a Homeopath, commented that Homoeopathy has often been used to assist with ADD and ADHD and has been effective. But unlike conventional medicine, there is no one particular homoeopathic medicine for these conditions. The ADD and ADHD symptoms for that particular child and factors that aggravate or ameliorate the symptoms, are taken into account when selecting the remedy for the child. Homoeopathic medicines do not numb or block symptoms, instead they work with the body to re-establish a state of equilibrium. When the patient is in this equilibrium state, the symptoms ease and the patient is able to function better. The aim of homoeopathic treatment is not to keep a patient dependent on medicine, but rather to bring the patient to the space where he/she can maintain this equilibrium state. Many homoeopaths also incorporate other modalities to their treatment such as supplements, herbs and probiotics. A child’s restlessness and ability to concentrate has also been linked to the state of the child’s gut Nutrition Good nutrition can help reduce ADD / ADHD symptoms. Studies show that what, and when, you eat makes a difference when it comes to managing ADD/ADHD. The following tips can be seen below By scheduling regular meals or snacks no more than three hours apart is a useful tip, which will help keep your child’s blood sugar level, minimizing irritability and supporting concentration and focus. Try to include a little protein and complex carbohydrates at each meal or snack. These foods will help your child feel more alert while decreasing hyperactivity. Check your child’s zinc, iron, and magnesium levels. Many children with ADD/ADHD are low in these important minerals. Boosting their levels may help control ADD/ADHD symptoms. Increasing iron may be particularly helpful. One study found that an iron supplement improved symptoms almost as much as taking stimulant medication. Add more omega-3 fatty acids to your child’s diet. Studies show that omega-3s improve hyperactivity, impulsivity, and concentration in kids (and adults) with ADD/ADHD. Omega-3s are found in salmon, tuna, sardines, and some fortified eggs and milk products. However, the easiest way to boost your child’s intake is through fish oil supplements Tips for supporting your child’s treatment In order to encourage positive change in all settings, children with ADD / ADHD need consistency. It is important that parents of children with ADD / ADHD learn how to apply behavioural therapy techniques at home. Children with ADD/ADHD are more likely to succeed in completing tasks when the tasks occur in predictable patterns and in predictable places, so that they know what to expect and what they are supposed to do. Follow a routine. It is important to set a time and a place for everything to help a child with ADD/ADHD understand and meet expectations. Establish simple and predictable rituals for meals, homework, play and bed. Use clocks and timers. Consider placing clocks throughout the house, with a big one in your child’s bedroom. Allow plenty of time for what your child needs to do, such as homework or getting ready in the morning. Simplify your child’s schedule. Avoiding idle time is a good idea, but a child with ADD/ADHD may become even more distracted and “wound up” if there are too many after-school activities. Create a quiet place. Make sure your child has a quiet, private space of his or her own. A porch or bedroom can work well too as long as it’s not the same place as the child goes for a time-out. Set an example for good organisation. Set up your home in an organised way. Make sure your child knows that everything has its place. Role model neatness

October 28, 2016

Aggressive Behaviour in Young Children

First Comfort the Victim. The next time you witness younger children fighting or hurting one another, your first response should be to comfort the victim without pity or drama. If possible, you should also include the aggressive child in comforting of the victim. Ask him to retrieve a cloth, a blanket, or even a drink of water if it’s appropriate. Be sure to use a quiet, calm and respectful tone as you take control. Your immediate feelings may involve anger or frustration toward the aggressive child, but maintain control and stay calm. Once the drama has cooled and the victim is cared for, take the aggressive child aside and remind him calmly and respectfully about boundaries and acceptable behaviour. This more peaceful response to the situation will provide an outstanding model and learning tool for both children. What is Bullying? Bullying is any form of physical, emotional, or verbal mistreatment in which one holds an unequal power over another, purposely and repeatedly with the intent to hurt or humiliate. A bully can be one tough kid harassing someone who is different in some way. A bully’s behaviour can be as simple as name-calling or as serious as confrontation resulting in injury. No child is ever exempt from being picked on by a bully at some point in his life, and neither are adults. In a recent study released by the American Medical Association, it was estimated that 3.2 million children are victims of bullying each year. Being able to defend oneself when attacked by a bully requires both courage and skill – traits you can begin instilling in your child at any age. Teach Them How Not To Be A Target. A bully’s common target is someone who demonstrates a lack of confidence and exhibits characteristics of weakness or insecurity. Teach your children to stand tall, use a full voice, look the other child directly in the eyes, and exhibit confidence when stating what they want. If your child does this, it will help to reduce the risk of being targeted by an aggressive child. You can teach this to your child by modelling it yourself. The most effective way of teaching children a new behaviour is to role-play with them. Allow them to see what the behaviour looks like by modelling it for them, then allowing them to practice. A child who stands, acts with and speaks with confidence is less likely to become a target of a bully. Teach your children. Teach them that they have the power to stop anyone from touching them, hurting them, or taking their things. One of the most effective actions you can teach your child is described in many self-defence and confidence courses. Stand tall and erect, and distribute weight evenly on both feet. Hold your head high, extend their hand straight out in front of them with their flat palm toward the other child, saying “STOP!” in a loud and strong voice. A bully halted in his or her tracks by a child drawing a clear, personal, physical or emotional boundary is more likely to walk away, often even respecting a child who had represented a potential victim.

October 25, 2016

Take time to reflect

While most parents spend considerable time preparing for the beginning of the school year, not much thought is given to the end of the year. For the most part, both parents and children are simply thankful to have survived another school year! However, helping children wrap up the year on a positive note, and encouraging them to reflect on what they have gained – knowledge, friends, skills – will leave them with a sense of pride and accomplishment. For example, if your child struggled in a particular area at the start of the year, the last school term offers a good opportunity to celebrate how far he has come. You can also talk about what was easy and what was hard, what was enjoyable and what wasn’t, and which part of learning was fun and exciting! Here are a few suggestions for ending the year on a high note: Celebrate: Help your child create a list of things that he is proud of. Consider what it took to achieve these successes, and encourage him to keep working hard to achieve his goals. Say thanks: Let your child write a note to his teacher/s. While they may have had some ups and downs during the year, writing a sincere note of gratitude to a teacher is a meaningful way to end the school year. Stay in touch: Encourage your child to make plans during the final term to stay in touch with his friends over the holidays. This will help maintain the strength of the relationships he worked so hard to build during the year. Unfortunately, the end of the school year is also accompanied by certain losses. While saying goodbye is never easy, school goodbyes provide (repeated) opportunities to help children acknowledge and express loss, which is vital for their emotional development. The end of primary school, in particular, marks a major shift in a child’s life and can be both exciting and terrifying. Your child will have to say goodbye to teachers who made a lasting impression, but more importantly, he will have to say goodbye to friends who may be going to a different high school. As peer relationships have become quite important by this point in a child’s life, this transition may be particularly difficult for children to deal with. Allow your child to reflect on what he will miss, but also talk about the benefits of moving on. Support your child by keeping conversations about his feelings – both positive and negative – open. So, as the last day of school approaches, try not to get too caught up the end of the year rush! Make time for your child to reflect on the year’s achievements, experiences and feelings. Impak is a curriculum provider for home, tutor and school education. Visit www.impak.co.za for more information.

October 17, 2016

Do your children know what integrity is?

Our children are the ones who have to live in this world when we are gone. They are the ones who will have to reap the consequences of the actions we take today and the decisions we make for the country and world. And their decisions will be a direct result of what we are saying and teaching them at home. So if you want them to live a peaceful existence, grow them in that direction. Don’t allow your opinions to muddy the waters of their minds. My youngest is almost ten. He is still small and impressionable and hopefully the impression I leave on him dents him in a positive way. But he watches me, more than he listens to me, and I know that when I “quickly check a message” in the car, I am inadvertently telling him that once in a while it is OK to glance at your phone while driving. When I am on the phone, and I say “I’m on my way!” when I have only just left, I am inadvertently telling him that it’s ok to twist the truth a little sometimes. When I tell him I will pick him up early today and he must skip sport because of xyz, I am inadvertently telling him it’s ok to sometimes shirk your responsibilities. The other day I was in traffic and someone cut me off, purely because she wasn’t paying close enough attention, my son said “Why didn’t you call her an old goat mom! That’s what you usually say!” It’s humbling to be called out for things you do that are leaving an impression. An impression you don’t really want to leave. I remember when I was studying developmental psychology, there was a cartoon in my textbook of a mom standing watching her little girl playing, and the little girl was sitting on her floor with her doll across her lap, giving it a spanking with a speech bubble that said, “I told you not to interrupt me when I am busy!” I remember the impression that left on me. And yet, here I am, fumbling through motherhood, doing what I believe is right. Mostly. If you ask me what kind of adults I want my children to be, I will tell you they should be happy, fulfilled, caring, kind people with ambition and integrity, and live passionate lives. But do I live that and model it every day? Am I modelling the type of adult I want them to be? Or is it a case of ‘do as I say and not as I do’? Do we have integrity? What we do and how we act, has more impact on them that what we say. So watch that your actions echo your words. Because your children are watching exactly that.

October 13, 2016

Cyberbullying causes Depression, Nightmares and Anorexia

According to the study Growing Up Online – Connected Kids, conducted by Kaspersky Lab and iconKids & Youth, cyberbullying is a far more dangerous threat to children than many parents think. The consequences for the majority of young victims of online harassment include serious problems with health and socialisation. Cyberbullying is intentional intimidation, persecution or abuse that children and teenagers may encounter on the internet. Interestingly, children aged 8-16 are more wary of this threat than their parents are. According to the study, 13% of children and 21% of parents consider it harmless. At the same time, 16% of the children surveyed are more afraid of being bullied online than offline, while half (50%) are equally afraid of both real-life and virtual bullying. Parents should not downplay the dangers of cyberbullying. Despite the fact that the study found only 4% of children admitted to being bullied online (compared to 12% in real life), in 7 out of 10 cases the consequences were traumatic. Bullying on the Internet seriously affected their emotional well-being: parents of 37% of the victims reported lower self-esteem, 30% saw a deterioration in their performance at school, and 28% cited depression. In addition, 25% of parents stated that cyberbullying had disrupted their child’s sleep patterns and caused nightmares (21%). Another 26% of parents noticed that their child had started avoiding contact with other children, and 20% discovered their child had anorexia. Just as worrying are the statistics showing that 20% of children witnessed others being bullied online, and in 7% of cases even participated in it. The survey shows that children often hide incidents of cyberbullying from their parents, making the task of protecting them even more complicated, though, fortunately, not impossible. Andrei Mochola, Head of Consumer Business at Kaspersky Lab, comments: “In an effort to protect our children from danger, we mustn’t forget that they not only live in the real world but also in the virtual world, which is just as real to them. On the Internet, children socialise, learn new things, have fun and, unfortunately, encounter unpleasant situations. Cyberbullying is one of the most dangerous things that can confront a child on the Internet, because it can have a negative impact on their psyche and cause problems for the rest of their lives. The best solution in this case is to talk to your child and to use parental control software that can alert you to any suspicious changes to their social network page.” For more advice on protecting children on the Internet, visit kids.kaspersky.com. Information about a technical solution to these problems can be found at Kaspersky Safe Kids.

August 24, 2016

Experiential Education: How holiday camps are valuable teachers

There are many things that simply cannot be studied from the pages of a book, and essential life and social skills are good examples. These lessons are best learned from direct experience and purposeful reflection, which is the core of Experiential Education (EE) philosophy, and the result of many youth camp experiences. Experiential Education is a process through which a learner constructs knowledge, skill, and value from direct experience – or simply put, it is “learning by doing”. Children’s holiday camps are a great place to lay the foundation for experiential education, since they encourage spontaneous opportunities for learning in a positive environment. A visit to Sugar Bay Holiday Camp in KwaZulu Natal proved just this. At Sugar Bay, balancing four metres above the ground, a young boy’s smile gleamed as he not only achieved a new crate building record, but also courage. Motivated by a bunch of other campers, this boy conquered his fear of heights. This was also where he discovered that new experiences can be good experiences. At the theatre, youngsters who were inspired by screenplays gained the self-confidence to produce and perform an extraordinary stage production to an audience of two hundred campers. They were intellectually engaged, emotionally challenged and socially rewarded for their hard work, and for pursuing an idea passionately. During a beach treasure hunt, campers learned to appreciate nature as they felt the sand between their toes, heard the crashing of the waves, and relished the salty sea breeze in search for their loot. During their Arts & Crafts lesson, a group of girls were braiding friendship bracelets silently under a tree. They were then asked to exchange bracelets with the stranger next to them. This simple exchange helped them make a new friend they’d hope to keep. They learned the value of friendship and generosity. At the final camp fire, everyone reflected on their experiences and discovered for themselves just how much they had learned and conquered. Lessons that will remain forever valuable and useful to them. Camp experiences perfectly illustrate that not everything we learn needs a textbook or certificate to prove that we have been properly schooled. Experience challenges learners to reflect on their achievements and learn from their failures in valuable ways that will increase both their theoretical and practical knowledge. The aphorism, “Experience is the best teacher”, is clearly confirmed after learners return from a good camp.

July 27, 2016

Cultivating Confidence

Our kids are living in a very different world to the one we grew up in. Gone are the days of walking to friends, taking buses to school, riding bikes around the neighbourhood, staying out until dark. For the most part our kids are dropped and carried, continuously supervised and never leave our sight. Of course there are advantages and disadvantages to both, but the one thing that all this constant supervision does is erodes a child’s sense of confidence. They don’t get a chance to show their independence, to tackle things for themselves, to take responsibility. So how can we cultivate a sense of confidence in our children and still keep them safe in an uncertain world? We need to create experiences for our children where they can feel that they are operating in and mastering the adult world on their own. Small moments can make all the difference. Here are some ideas to get you going, but I encourage you to do some brainstorming, start a discussion with friends, hop onto the Internet, and add to this list. When in a place where you feel safe to do so, allow your kids to leave you and meet up again. For example, when I visit my chiropractor, who operates from a quiet building, I let the kids take the lift and I take the stairs and meet them at the top. Let them drive the car! Obviously this needs to be in an appropriate place (in a game reserve, abandoned parking lot etc.), but letting kids control a machine like a car really boosts their sense of accomplishment. Let them sit on your lap and steer if they’re still small, or if they’re a bit older, let them take control. Children blossom when you place trust in them to do things that are ‘beyond their age’. We go to Magaliesburg regularly and allow our kids (age 6 and 8) to drive the car in the reserve. They talk about it for weeks afterwards. Treat your children as equals. Let them use the same crockery and cutlery as the rest of the family. Trusting young children with sharp knives, for instance, is a good confidence booster. They will need some ground-rules to prevent accidents, but this also teaches responsibility. Our kids have been using Victorinox knives since the age of 4. Don’t hold your kids’ hands through everything that they do. Wait outside the shop and let your child go in and purchase something for themselves, park outside the library and let them go in and choose books on their own, encourage them to ask other adults questions when they need something instead of doing it for them. Let your kids do some ‘dangerous’ things – play with fire, use power tools, climb trees, burn things with a magnifying glass, throw darts, climb on the roof, change a tyre, tightrope walk, blow things up. If I think about my own childhood we made our own go-carts and raced them on public roads, we made home-made bombs, played in the mud, burned things, jumped off the roof, used sharp knives to make spears out of sticks, camped in the garden, did woodworking, climbed trees and swam in rivers. There is no reason that our kids can’t still have some of these essential experiences. They’ll learn a lot more than sitting indoors doing homework or playing on an iPad. Let your kids live a little. Yes, it’s scary as a parent to let go of some control. Yes, they may get hurt and may even need some stitches or Burnshield here and there. Yes, they may damage some stuff. But they may just surprise you and rise to the challenges that they face and gain some confidence and self-esteem and maybe even have some fun along the way!

July 21, 2016

Auditory Processing – Another Buzz Word?

Auditory processing has become quite a buzz word amongst school teachers and therapists recently. And rightly so, as it is often under-identified or misdiagnosed as attention deficit disorder or bad behaviour, due to poor listening skills. What is Auditory Processing? Auditory processing is “what the brain does with what the ear hears” (Katz, 1994). In short, it is the ability of the brain to identify, localise, attend, remember and respond to auditory stimuli, generally the spoken word. Central auditory processing disorders (CAPD) or auditory processing disorders (APD) are a pattern of disorders whereby certain of the skills that make up auditory processing skills are relatively weak, thereby affecting listening behaviours. How Do You Know If It Is Auditory Processing, Or Just ‘Not Listening’? Central auditory processing disorder (CAPD) and attention deficit disorder (ADD or ADHD) often present with similar symptoms. The primary symptoms for ADD tend to be inattentiveness, distractibility, hyperactivity, restlessness and impulsivity. The primary symptoms for auditory processing disorder (APD) tend to be difficulty hearing in background noise, difficulty following oral instructions, poor listening skills, academic difficulties, distractibility and inattentiveness.[i] How Is Auditory Processing Assessed? Auditory processing is generally assessed by an audiologist (hearing healthcare professional). The audiologist would begin by assessing the outer, middle and inner ear structure and function to make sure that the hearing levels themselves are within normal limits, and there is no ear wax or middle ear infection preventing your child from listening! Thereafter, the audiologist runs a series of tests. Your child wears a set of headphones and responds to auditory tests. Other tests involve more direct interaction with the audiologist. The results are scored and compared against normative data for children of the same age group. Relative strengths and relative weaknesses are identified. The following subtests typically make up an auditory processing assessment: Auditory memory or sequencing for stories, sentences, words and digits Auditory discrimination between similar sounding words (chat/fat) Auditory closure for words that are missing a portion or are distorted Auditory analysis which involves breaking a word down into parts Auditory synthesis which involves building a word up by parts Speech in noise testing to test the child’s ability to ignore competing background noise Dichotic listening which involves listening to words or sentences presented to each ear at the same time Certain children present with patterns of strengths or weaknesses for certain skills. Depending on the pattern of presentation, this may result in certain difficulties in the classroom environment. Can Auditory Processing Weaknesses Be Treated? Treatment of auditory processing weaknesses is typically tailor-made for your child, depending on the pattern of weaknesses or strengths identified. Speech therapists are typically involved to provide auditory processing therapy, alternatively a home program of exercises may be suggested. Certain classroom modifications may be recommended to the teacher. If the weakness is significant, then assistive listening devices like an FM system may be helpful for some children. What can parents do to help? If you suspect that your child may be presenting with an auditory processing weakness, you can arrange for auditory processing testing to be conducted by a local audiologist . Testing is typically conducted on primary school-aged children age 6-11, but testing can be conducted on teenagers, depending on the tests available at your audiologist. The audiologist will be able to provide further information, specific to your child’s presentation.

July 11, 2016

Divorce and children

Telling my children that their mom and I were getting divorced was probably the hardest conversation I have ever had. My son Luke was 11 at the time and my daughter Blythe 8. My heart broke as I looked into their sad, shocked eyes. It took everything I had to stop my tears from flowing. Their lives were being turned upside down by the two people they trusted and relied on most in the world. Divorce is a difficult and painful reality which affects almost half of everyone who gets married. Tragically it’s our children’s hearts that are so often caught in the crossfire of negative emotions that come with divorce. This is not an article on how and why to avoid divorce, or the merits of staying together or not for the kids, it’s an article on how to love, protect, nurture and equip children through divorce. If there is one thing I have learnt as a parent it’s that it is not about us it’s about our children. They are not there for us, we are there for them. We brought them into the world and it’s up to us to look after them. Whatever the reason a divorce takes place and regardless of who was most to blame,when we fail to keep our marriage together, which I did, our primary responsibility as parents remains the nurture, care and protection of our children. After I saw first hand the impact my announcement had on my children I vowed to do everything in my power to protect them from the harmful emotional effect of our divorce. It’s very easy during a divorce to become so immersed in our own emotions and self preservation that our children take a backseat. The reality is they need us more than ever. The break up of a family is a major trauma for children and we as their parents are in the strange position of being both the cause of their distress and their source of strength and security during it. Here are eight things I learnt through my own experience that can help children deal with divorce: Let them know that it’s not their fault. As irrational as it may seem, children often feel that somehow they are to blame when a family splits apart. Make sure they understand that this is mom and dad’s fault and they are not responsible in any way. Never put your children in a position where they need to choose between mom or dad. Don’t blame. Your children need both of you and they don’t want either one of you to be the villain. This is your stuff not theirs, keep it that way and do everything you can to ensure your children maintain a great relationship with both of you. Reassure them that everything will be okay. Let them know that even though the living arrangements will be changing you still love them deeply and will be present in their lives. Explain to them that they will have two homes where they will be loved and accepted completely. Help them deal with the change by talking about it. They need to mourn the passing of how life was and adjust to how life will be. The more they are able to talk about the changes and express themselves the quicker they will be able to accept and process the transition. Help them identify their feelings. No matter what they say they will be going through pain and confusion and you need to help them deal with this. Find a way to get into their hearts and minds and truly see and hear what they are thinking and feeling. The younger they are the more challenging this will be as young children don’t have the emotional understanding and maturity to identify their emotions, nor do they have the vocabulary to express them. You may need to enlist the help of an expert such as a counsellor or art therapist. Validate their feelings. Let them know that what they are feeling is normal and okay. Children often experience guilt when feeling anything negative towards their parents and will hide or suppress their emotions. Yet in a divorce they have every right to feel negative emotions towards us; we are responsible for breaking up the world as they know it. After my divorce I realised that Luke was feeling very angry with me and his mom but he felt confused and guilty about what he was feeling. I let him know that it was okay to feel that way, that he had every right to be angry. Help them process their feelings appropriately. Their unspoken question will be; ok so I realise I’m angry and it’s ok to be angry but what do I do with my anger? Again you may need to enlist the help of an expert or older mentor. In Luke’s case I asked him to forgive me and his mom and gave him the space to express and feel his anger. Often an angry child will take his frustration out in inappropriate ways like bullying, self-harm or other destructive behaviours. Helping your child to deal appropriately with emotions will set him or her free from harmful thoughts and behaviors and grow their emotional intelligence. Get your children involved in a divorce recovery programme. There are churches, community centers and counseling groups that offer programmes specifically for children going through a divorce. These can be very beneficial in assisting children to deal with their emotions and equipping them with the tools to handle the change. By taking theses eight actions, prioritizing your children’s hearts and staying deeply involved in their lives it’s possible to minimize the trauma of divorce and turn it into a powerful growth experience for both you and them.

June 9, 2016

Handwriting Problems

Handwriting is the most obvious feature of “the second R,” and is a means to an end. Students who can write legibly and with reasonable speed are not deterred by weak handwriting skills from expressing themselves. Thus it is obvious that handwriting should become routine as rapidly and efficiently as possible. It should not be stressed at the expense of more important skills, such as those necessary to speak, listen, read, spell, or compose well. What is a Handwriting Problem? A handwriting problem exists when a student writes illegibly or extremely slowly. Everyone occasionally produces some illegible letters, but some students do so frequently enough that understanding what they have written is difficult; at this point, the difficulty would be considered a problem. Also, most children write quite slowly when they are first learning to print or write in cursive; slow handwriting should be considered a problem, however, when a student’s writing speed interfered with his or her other work. Problems with handwriting are also known as dysgraphia, a term coined from the Greek words dys meaning ill or difficult and graphein meaning to write, and is used to describe a severe problem with handwriting. Synonyms for dysgraphia include motor agraphia, developmental motor agraphia, special writing disability, specific handwriting disability, specific learning disability in handwriting. Problems Related to Handwriting Though IQ is not related to handwriting, spelling apparently is, according to Introduction to Learning Disabilities by Hallahan et al. Students with poor handwriting are likely to have poor spelling skills. Two ways in which handwriting may contribute to misspellings are: Handwriting errors may make a word look like another word; Slow, laboured writing of letters may cause a student to forget the word he or she is trying to spell. The first problem is one of legibility and the second is one of speed. Handwriting skill is also related to some perceptual and perceptual-motor skills. Wedell found that young students with handwriting problems had greater difficulties with position in space, drew poorly when drawing required crossing from one side of their bodies to the other, and did not benefit from handwriting tasks as much as other students. In her book Learning Disabilities: Theories, Diagnosis, and Teaching Strategies, Janet Lerner states that some of the underlying shortcomings that interfere with handwriting performance are (1.) poor motor skills, (2) faulty visual perception of letters and words, and (3.) difficulty in retaining visual impressions. The student’s problem may also be in cross-modal transfer from the visual to motor modalities.

June 9, 2016

Are your kids getting too much homework?

Homework is an essential part of learning independent work and self-discipline… and I think that kids are getting far too much of it. Homework should be given out with this specific purpose in mind and not because there is so much schoolwork that it can’t fit in to the school day. If kids are getting too much, it is your responsibility as a parent to take a stand. Get together with other parents in your child’s class and have something to say about it. Play, fresh air, fun and down-time are as important to a child’s development as formalised learning and discipline, particularly in the Foundation and Intersen Phases. This fits in to what I have said before about too many extra murals: Children, like all human beings, need time to be – not busy performing or excelling or proving their worth, just being. So how much is too much? If you look logically at the typical day of a school child this should become obvious: 6am-7am Waking and getting ready for school 7am-2pm School time 2pm-3pm Sport / extra murals 5pm-7pm Dinner, bathing etc. 7pm-8pm Story time or quiet time 8pm-6am Sleep (children of 7-10 years need around 10-11 hours per night) This only leaves between 3pm-5pm for homework AND games, TV time, outdoor time, playdates etc. I would say that anything more than around half an hour per day is unreasonable at Primary School level, and certainly not more than an hour. Look logically at your child’s day and make sure there is always down-time, unscheduled time, time to just be. Life needs to be in balance and we need to help our kids with this by not overscheduling their time, by taking a stand on homework and by modeling this for our kids by getting enough rest and down-time ourselves.

June 2, 2016

Autism and the Senses – A Parent’s Guide

All around the world famous landmarks have been lit up with blue lights – a great way for the world to notice that autism is real, it impacts more people than we can imagine and there is still so much to learn about the condition. Ask any parent, adult, sibling or adolescent living with autism, about what aspect they find most difficult and they will mostly confirm that dealing with the sensory elements of autism is or was their biggest hurdle. At every moment in our 24-hour day, our senses are inundated with new and old sensory input, which gets filtered appropriately in order for one to function effectively. Many autistic children have great difficulty with processing sensory input from the environment, and added to that they have great difficulty communicating what they don’t like about the sensory input. Autistic children are typically sensory sensitive with either low or fluctuating thresholds, meaning that they are hugely affected, (often negatively), by sensory input from their environments. It is just too loud, too bright, too tight or too fast for them. They experience sensory overload on a constant basis and they really battle to cope with this. This video by the Interacting with Autism Project is a fantastic illustration of what somebody with autism must be experiencing when confronted with sensory overload. Their withdrawal patterns and poor social skills are not necessarily caused by sensory overload, but augmented by their sensory issues. Children on the Autism spectrum need consistency, routine and structure. Unpredictable and sensory overloaded environments (like shops and shopping malls) are very difficult for them to cope with, which typically will cause them to throw tantrums, get aggressive and/or withdraw from such environments. Sensory meltdowns occur when there is some form of discordance that happens in one or more of the sensory systems (touch, taste, sound, sight, smell, movement). Low blood sugar levels are also of relevance, as lowered blood sugar levels heighten all the senses. Remove the child from the distressing environment and take him to a safer and calmer place. Parents should be aware of meltdowns, it happens so quickly and without warning – but try not to over protect them or to shield them from stressful environments. Learn to anticipate which sensory system overloads the quickest and be prepared. Exposure to new and uncomfortable environments needs to be done in a gentle and calculated way (when the child is calm and regulated) as it helps them learn to anticipate, to adapt to and to manage these environments. A portable sensory toolkit can be taken with you whenever you are away from home and can include the following items: Sunglasses (to decrease the effect of bright light). A baseball cap or wide brimmed hat (for decreased visual stimulation). An ice cold water bottle with a sport cap for sucking water or an ice cold juice with a straw. A chewy snack, like biltong, dried fruit, chewing gum. Soundproof headphones for very loud environments. A change of clothing (long-sleeved t-shirt to avoid unwanted touch). Deep bear hugs – for a calming effect. Deep breathing – the universal calmer. One’s senses are thus a vital key to coping with autism – it is the window to their souls and interactions. Understand it, use it wisely and learn to look at people and environments form a sensory point of view.

May 30, 2016

3 Things Children Learn At Holiday Camp

Not everything your children learn can be found in a textbook, on a tablet or on the TV for that matter. Most of life’s greatest lessons are learned from real life experiences that cost little or nothing. Holiday camps are an ideal way to get your children away from today’s distracting technologies to learn some of these valuable life lessons. Children don’t just learn survival skills at holiday camp, but they also learn the value of qualities like courage, confidence, and character. These, in addition to learning how to surf, how to make new friends and yes, how to build a camp fire are ingredients for a well-rounded learning experience. Here are 3 things your child will learn at camp: 1. Camp builds courage At Sugar Bay Holiday Camp, we believe in constantly encouraging our campers. This encouragement very quickly grows into a quality that creates a brave child, who is open to trying new things and is courageous enough to never give up. One of the greatest tests of courage at camp is our lagoon jumping activity; where kids may jump off a bridge and into the lagoon. Campers are never forced to jump, but they are encouraged. And when they do decide to take the plunge, they feel like they can fearlessly face any challenge. 2. Camp increases self-confidence Sugar Bay counsellors are trained in child psychology, and therefore they understand that in order for courage to be used to accomplish greater milestones, our campers need to be confident. Our goal is for campers to be filled with confidence in their minds, in their abilities, and in their individual identity from day one until long after camp ends. To achieve this, our creative camp programmer knows just how to incorporate the best ice-breaking activities that build our campers’ confidence, which also gains them new friends at the same time. We also encourage campers to acquire a new skill by progressing through one of our certified activities, in which they earn various certificates for the increasingly difficult levels of that activity. Allowing children to master a new skill builds their confidence, since they know they can master anything they dedicate themselves to. 3. Camp strengthens character On the final night of camp, each of our camper’s character shines and takes centre stage during our traditional “Final Camp Fire”. Here, we reflect on the week and our campers share all their thoughts, feelings and emotions about how camp has changed their lives. In doing so, they reveal just how their character has been impacted by the friendships made, challenges faced and other camp experiences. Although campers who’ve been to Sugar Bay can undoubtedly make the best camp fires and s’mores – campers are benefited far more by disconnecting from technology and reconnecting with new friends, rediscovering new skills & talents, and redefining their identities from this one-of-a-kind personal adventure that comes with “going to camp”. If you would like more information about how our holiday camp can benefit your child, or if you have further questions about Sugar Bay please visit our website at www.sugarbay.co.za, or contact us directly on (032) 485 3778 or email [email protected] .

May 19, 2016

Reading, ‘riting and ‘rithmetic – How does your child measure up?

The three R’s of learning are reading, ‘riting and ‘rithmetic. The question for all parents is, how do their children measure up in these three crucial areas? “A child’s ability to read, write and do arithmetic (maths) sets the foundation for their academic success, and impacts their potential for future accomplishments across-the-board,” says Susan du Plessis, Director of Educational Programmes at Edublox. “Some learners cannot read but can write and others struggle to do maths but can read easily – it is crucial for a child to have all three foundational learning skills in place.” In the classroom, reading is king; it is crucial for learning and achieving throughout the school career and into university. The benefits of reading, however, stretch far beyond the classroom. “Reading will help your child learn new words and build his vocabulary, expand their general knowledge, help them to concentrate better and focus on one task. Modern kids are so bombarded with sound, light and movement from electronic gadgets, that reading is actually relaxing for the brain,” says du Plessis. Similar to reading, putting pen to paper and writing in our instant and technological age of emails, texts and tweets stimulates the brain*. “Writing fires up the brain as children not only learn to read more quickly when they first learn to write by hand, but they also remain better able to formulate ideas and recall information,” explains du Plessis. The final and equally important aspect of laying a strong foundation for a child’s academic performance is ensuring sound mathematical understanding and thinking. “People are easily misled to believe that mathematics is not a prerequisite for a successful career, however, whether in science, business, or even in our day-to-day living, we cannot escape the use of numbers,” explains du Plessis. A child’s ability to do read, write and do maths depends on a number of cognitive skills such as attention span, visual and auditory perception, sequential and working memory and logical thinking. “Make sure that these skills have been well developed,” urges du Plessis, and shares easy tips for parents looking to help their child excel in the three R’s of learning: Reading Parents of young children should read to them as often as possible. “Teaching your child nursery rhymes is a great way to stimulate the brain and improve memory,” says du Plessis. “Research has shown that knowledge of nursery rhymes among three-year-olds is a significant predictor of pre-reading skills later on, even after the child’s IQ and their mothers’ educational levels are factored out,” says du Plessis. If your child is having trouble learning to read, the best approach is to take immediate action. Ninety-five percent of poor readers can be brought up to grade level if they receive effective help early on. The longer you wait to get help for your child who has reading difficulties, the harder it will be for them to catch up later on. Do not rely on computer programs to address your child’s reading problems. “Research has proven that computer reading programs cannot solve reading difficulties,” says du Plessis. When your child is a good reader, however, technology can be used to broaden their horizons and teach them to speed read. Writing Have some fun and crumple papers with your child! This will help improve their fine motor skills, making writing easier and their handwriting neater. Use A4 size scrap paper – give your child one sheet of paper in each hand. They must then simultaneously crumple both papers into tight balls. It is important that each hand strictly does its own work. Ensure that your child sits with their hands wide apart, so that one hand cannot offer any help to the other. As part of the game, they are not allowed to press their hands against their body or on any other object, like a table. Make sure they crumple at least three sheets of paper per hand, per day. Other exercises that will help to improve hand strength, which ultimately leads to better handwriting, is to throw and catch beanbags and to squeeze stress balls. Arithmetic (Maths) Make sure that your child can count fluently, forwards as well as backwards. Thereafter, skip counting should be introduced. Skip counting – counting odd or even numbers only – is important in the development of fluency in calculation, number sense and as the basis of multiplication and division. There is much in maths that one simply has to know and therefore has to learn, for example many terms, definitions, symbols, theorems and axioms. Make sure that your child knows the words for different shapes, for example. If they do not know what a sphere is, they will have to guess when confronted by twelve different objects in a test situation. “It is crucial that parents understand that the sooner their children receive the necessary guidance and tools enabling them to successfully read, write and do maths, the sooner they will able to learn more effectively and efficiently,” concludes du Plessis. *Asherson, S. B. 2013. The Benefits of Cursive Go Beyond Writing [Online] Available from: http://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2013/04/30/should-schools-require-children-to-learn-cursive/ the -benefits-of-cursive-go-beyond-writing

May 5, 2016

A, B, Zzzz

Sleep is a basic physiological need – it is crucial for our health because when we are asleep, our bodies repair and restore themselves. Children, especially, need quality, consistent sleep to thrive. A good night’s sleep not only prepares their bodies for tackling the next day, but it also significantly affects their behaviour – children who do not get enough sleep can easily become irritable and moody, and they may display more impulsive or defiant behaviour. In addition, poor or inadequate sleep can lead to cognitive problems that impact their ability to learn. Despite the importance of sleep, most children get less than the recommended amount – roughly 10 hours each night for school-aged children – needed for their bodies to rest and for their brains to process what they learned during the day (children take on enormous amounts of information daily, and their brains transform subconsciously learned material into active knowledge while they sleep). Of course, getting children to bed on time is not easy! Many master the art of stalling from a young age, while some obstinately fight the Sandman for as long as they can. For others, getting a good night’s sleep may be hindered by sleep disorders, such as sleepwalking, nightmares or insomnia. Some medications, including those for asthma or ADHD, may also affect sleep. Getting your child to bed on time is vital, and there is much you can do to help establish good sleep habits from a young age. Set a routine: Create a predictable age-appropriate routine to help your child prepare for bed. This may include a warm bath, reading or listening to quiet music, etc. Be consistent: Keep bedtime at a set time, even on weekends. A regular bedtime keeps your child’s circadian rhythms on track and is instrumental in allowing him to easily fall and stay asleep. Create a soothing environment: Your child’s room should be a calm and free from stimulation at bedtime. It should ideally be cool, dark and quiet. Encourage other healthy habits: Ensuring that your child gets at least 20 minutes of exercise a day will help him to sleep better at night. Also, limit foods that contain caffeine and sugar, especially in the late afternoon and evening. Limit screen time: Cut off screen time at least one hour before bed. Not only is watching TV or playing games on a tablet or computer stimulating, but it suppresses the body’s release of melatonin, the hormone that helps regulate sleep. Benefits of getting enough sleep It promotes growth: Getting enough sleep guarantees that children’s bodies are producing the right amount of hormones to help them grow. It boosts the immune system: During sleep, the body produces the antibodies needed to fight infection, illness, and stress. It reduces the risk of injury: Children are clumsier and more impulsive when they don’t get enough sleep, making them more accident prone. It regulates emotions: Being overtired can make it difficult for children to manage their emotions, making them cranky and irritable. It influences health: Consistently poor sleep habits in childhood set the stage for adult sleep problems, and place children at greater risk for childhood obesity, as well as adult obesity and diabetes later on. It boosts learning: When children are tired they have more trouble paying attention, are less able to acquire and process new knowledge, and are often unable to effectively store and retrieve information from memory. All of these things are critical components of learning. Sleep is an essential building block for your child’s overall health, well-being and academic success, so make sure that your child is getting enough zzzz’s. Impak is a curriculum provider for home, tutor and school education. Visit www.impak.co.za for more information.

April 6, 2016

Don’t Be PENalised For Not Being Able To Write

You helped your child prepare for his history test. He could recite all the answers and there was no question that he was going to ace it. And yet, when he received back his test results, he barely made the grade as he wrote down only half of the answers! Why? Thanks to the e-age we live in, children have sadly lost their ability to literally put down pen to paper and write. Step into a class these days and you are more likely to find e-books and tablets than pen and paper. Pupils can type faster than they can write and apps and online learning devices are the norm. “You must get on with the times.” “If you are not online, you’re doomed.” “Your child will miss out.” While there is some truth in these statements, one cannot ignore the fact that pupils will (for the foreseeable future at least) still have to write their exams manually – that is: putting pen to paper. It’s like Master Chef – if the food is not on the plate it cannot be judged. Likewise, if your child does not write down all he or she has learnt, it cannot be assessed. And, while we’re on the Master Chef analogy: if the plating of the dish is messy – i.e. if your child’s handwriting is illegible, it will also be penalised. So, go and buy more pens and pencils next time you go to the iStore. Not only will your child practice his/her critical hand-eye-co-ordination skills, but stand a better chance of acing his/her next exam. Reasons why many people think hand writing skills are a thing of the past: Children need to practice typing skills as all learning will eventually be computerised Schools are switching to e-books, tablets are used in classrooms, homework tasks are given on tablets There are many apps available for online learning, assessments, note taking – replacing the pen and exercise book Reasons why children still have to practice writing: It has been proven that reading and spelling are linked to the formation of letters in the early years Study notes, class work and assessment are all still done on paper with a pen It will still take some time before all learning will be computerised Illegible handwriting costs marks: “labored handwriting creates a drain on mental resources needed for higher-level aspects of writing, such as attention to content, elaboration of details, and organization of ideas.” * * Spear-Swelling, L. The Importance of Teaching Handwriting. Retrieved from http://www.readingrockets.org/article/importance-teaching-handwriting

April 6, 2016

90 Things To Do With Kids

Sometimes during school holidays or on the weekends the kids will be looking for fun and interesting things to do. We, along with the help of many parents, have compiled a list of great activities and things to do with the kids. Have a look today! 1. Meet with friends at a park and play with the kids on the playground. Push them on the swings or catch them on the slides. 2. Go to a local cycle way/bike track and go rollerblading. A great way to get out in the fresh air and enjoy the sunshine and exercise. 3. Go ice-skating- wrap up in your warm clothes and head to the closest ice-rink. 4. Have a movie afternoon- great for a rainy day. Rent a couple of good kids movies, make some popcorn and and enjoy the movies. 5. Cook some special treats or family favourites like Gingerbread men or cupcakes. 6. Go to an indoor play centre. Let the kids try out the playground and you can have a coffee with a friend. 7. Try Tenpin Bowling- make sure the bumper bars are up for the little ones. 8. Explore your local bird park, butterfly world or the zoo to see all the animals, birds and reptiles. 9. Get your bike helmets and go for a bike ride. 10. Organise a kid swap with friends who work. Your kids get to have their friends over for the day to play, and there are a lot more participants for games. 11. Browse through your local history museum, great to show the kids how things use to be. 12. Try Horse-riding- lots of riding centers provide lessons or short rides for younger children. 13. Visit a farm and see all the farm animals, you may be able to feed and pat some of them. 14. Take a day trip to a historic town or local attractions. Sometimes we never visit the attractions in our local area. Be a tourist in your own town. 15. Spend the day at the beach, go for a walk and play some games, take the Frisbee. 16. Camp out in the garden- kids of all ages will love this experience. 17. Have a picnic or lunch at the local park. Let the kids help pack their favourite lunch and snacks. 18. Do some Gardening with the kids make a herb garden pot, they are fantastic and useful too! 19. Smile! Get the camera out and let the kids take some photos download them on the computer and create a slide show. 20. Get out the play dough- buy some or make your own. This will provide hours of fun for you and the kids. 21. Have a Story writing competition. Help younger children write and illustrate a story. 22. Create a Treasure hunt in the backyard write out a list of things to find, and let them start hunting. 23. Bury a heap of old dinosaur toys and ‘artifacts’ in a sectioned off part of the garden and give all the kids a map and little spades. 24. Blow bubbles, try different shape bubble blowers for lots of fun. 25. Buy some cheap wooden photo frames and get the kids to paint and decorate them for their rooms. 26. Paper Mache…messy but always fun, create a bowl or a piggy bank. 27. Make masks from paper plates, with stick on ears and eyeholes. 28. Create a masterpiece- get canvas and paints and let the children express their creativity with Painting. 29. Play let’s pretend – play shopkeeper or mom/baby or anything you like. 30. Teach the kids to sew or thread with lacing cards. 31. Have a theme days – make it blue day so everyone wears blue, you eat blue food, use blue paints/materials for craft work, sing blue songs, etc. 32. Have a lazy day where everyone gets to stay in their PJ’s and relax. 33. Write and create a play -see who is great at drama and acting. 34. Conduct some simple Science experiments- see the internet for ideas. 35. Try your hand at scrap booking, with some coloured paper, kid’s photos and embellishments. 36. Grocery shopping- take the kids to the Supermarket and let them help you shop, cross off the items on your shopping list. Buy something easy to make together for lunch. 37. Board games Monopoly, Scrabble, Hungry Hippos, and more if there are a few kids have a tournament. 38. Card games from the simple Snap to Go Fish to Canasta for the older ones. Have lollies or chocolates for prizes. 39. Do a Jigsaw, set up a special area and let everyone help – the harder the better. 40. Make a Kite then take it outside on a windy day to fly it. 41. Go fishing in the river or sea and catch and release. 42. Catch local transport – take a train to Simons Town or a bus ride around the City. 43. Make birthday cards together – Grandparents and friends will love the creativity of your kids. 44. Lots of Local Libraries hold story-telling workshops during school holidays, and then the kids can borrow some new stories to read. 45. Go Swimming- head to the local indoor pool or to the beach or river. 46. See the latest Movie at the Cinema. Get your kids to tell you the storyline afterwards. 47. See what’s on at the Theatre or a live show. The kids will love you for this. 48. Make some music, play some music instruments or sing along to their favourite tunes. 49. Dress Ups- a family favourite. Find some outfits and play dress ups. 50. Make Plaster Models and then paint them in your favourite colours. 51. Make a collage- go to the park or beach and collect bark, seaweed etc and make a collage. 52. Bush Walk- head off the beaten path and go for a bush or nature walk. 53. Make a Movie – grab the video camera, write a plot, dress up and film your family as the stars of your very own

April 1, 2016

ADD / ADHD and Alternative Treatments

Over the past years there have been many debates and controversy discussions around what Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is? Furthermore how it is diagnosed and what are all the options to treating the disorder? The definition of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) has been updated in the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). This revision is based on nearly two decades of research showing that ADHD, although a disorder that begins in childhood, can continue through adulthood for some people. Changes to the Disorder ADHD is characterized by a pattern of behaviour, present in multiple settings (e.g., school and home), that can result in performance issues in social, educational, or work settings. As in DSM-IV, symptoms will be divided into two categories of inattention and hyperactivity and impulsivity that include behaviours like failure to pay close attention to details, difficulty organizing tasks and activities, excessive talking, fidgeting, or an inability to remain seated in appropriate situations. Children must have at least six symptoms from either (or both) the inattention group of criteria and the hyperactivity and impulsivity criteria, while older adolescents and adults (over age 17 years) must present with five. Treatment options There are a number of treatment plans that are available to parents when making the appropriate decision when treating their child for ADD/ADHD. Nutritious meals, play, exercise, and learning better social skills are all part of a balanced treatment plan that can improve performance at school, improve your child’s relationships with others, and decrease stress and frustration. Pharmacological Treatment Stimulants such as Ritalin, Concerta and Adderall are often prescribed for attention deficit disorder. Such medications may help your child concentrate better or sit still, however there is a general debate as to whether or not medication is a ‘quick fix’ and what about the long term affects as well as immediate side effects of appetite suppression, insomnia and an overall change in the child’s personality? For some parents they have found medication to be the best result for their child, while others look for alternative treatments and see pharmacological treatment as the last resort. Homeopathy There are many other effective treatments that can help children as well as adults with ADD/ADHD to improve their ability to pay attention, control impulsive behaviour, and curb hyperactivity. According to Dr Raakhee Mistry who is a Homeopath, commented that Homoeopathy has often been used to assist with ADD and ADHD and has been effective. But unlike conventional medicine, there is no one particular homoeopathic medicine for these conditions. The ADD and ADHD symptoms for that particular child and factors that aggravate or ameliorate the symptoms, are taken into account when selecting the remedy for the child. Homoeopathic medicines do not numb or block symptoms, instead they work with the body to re-establish a state of equilibrium. When the patient is in this equilibrium state, the symptoms ease and the patient is able to function better. The aim of homoeopathic treatment is not to keep a patient dependent on medicine, but rather to bring the patient to the space where he/she can maintain this equilibrium state. Many homoeopaths also incorporate other modalities to their treatment such as supplements, herbs and probiotics. A child’s restlessness and ability to concentrate has also been linked to the state of the child’s gut Nutrition Good nutrition can help reduce ADD / ADHD symptoms. Studies show that what, and when, you eat makes a difference when it comes to managing ADD/ADHD. The following tips can be seen below  By scheduling regular meals or snacks no more than three hours apart is a useful tip, which will help keep your child’s blood sugar level, minimizing irritability and supporting concentration and focus.  Try to include a little protein and complex carbohydrates at each meal or snack. These foods will help your child feel more alert while decreasing hyperactivity.  Check your child’s zinc, iron, and magnesium levels. Many children with ADD/ADHD are low in these important minerals. Boosting their levels may help control ADD/ADHD symptoms. Increasing iron may be particularly helpful. One study found that an iron supplement improved symptoms almost as much as taking stimulant medication.  Add more omega-3 fatty acids to your child’s diet. Studies show that omega-3s improve hyperactivity, impulsivity, and concentration in kids (and adults) with ADD/ADHD. Omega-3s are found in salmon, tuna, sardines, and some fortified eggs and milk products. However, the easiest way to boost your child’s intake is through fish oil supplementsTips for supporting your child’s treatmentIn order to encourage positive change in all settings, children with ADD / ADHD need consistency. It is important that parents of children with ADD / ADHD learn how to apply behavioural therapy techniques at home. Children with ADD/ADHD are more likely to succeed in completing tasks when the tasks occur in predictable patterns and in predictable places, so that they know what to expect and what they are supposed to do.  Follow a routine. It is important to set a time and a place for everything to help a child with ADD/ADHD understand and meet expectations. Establish simple and predictable rituals for meals, homework, play and bed.  Use clocks and timers. Consider placing clocks throughout the house, with a big one in your child’s bedroom. Allow plenty of time for what your child needs to do, such as homework or getting ready in the morning.  Simplify your child’s schedule. Avoiding idle time is a good idea, but a child with ADD/ADHD may become even more distracted and “wound up” if there are too many after-school activities.  Create a quiet place. Make sure your child has a quiet, private space of his or her own. A porch or bedroom can work well too as long as it’s not the same place as the child goes for a time-out.Set an example for good organization. Set up your home in an organized way. Make sure your child knows that everything

March 29, 2016

Help My Child is a Bully!

I think that any parent who has been summoned to the principle’s office relives that same dread as when this happened as a child. There is usually nothing nice to be said when the upper echelons of the school are getting involved, and to be told that your darling, who seems so normal at home, is creating havoc at school is not easy to hear. Most parents, when informed that their child is being labeled a “bully” understandably go into denial. Now let me first say that labelling your child as anything is a bad place to start. No child is a bully. Just as no child is all victim. Children, like adults, are a complex multitude of traits and behaviours, none of which define them for who they are. The quicker you stop labelling your child as this or that, the quicker you will solve even the greatest of problems. And if the teachers or other staff at your child’s school are labelling kids, well, you need to step in and set this straight. By labelling kids we define them in a certain way, create certain expectations of them, and ultimately this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as they live up (or down) to our expectations. Bullying, like all mis-behaviour, is born out of a desire to fulfil a need. We all have certain human needs that must be fulfilled in order for us to survive. These include the need for certainty, variety, love/connection and significance. Briefly, we can elaborate on them like this: Certainty – the need to know that things will be the same, the need for routine, to know what our boundaries are and that they will stay the same, to know that we will have enough food, water, shelter etc, to know that the world that we wake up in tomorrow will look like the one we woke up in today. Variety – the need for things to be different – to have treats and breaks from routine and a bit of excitement and change, to shake things up a bit, to spice things up a bit to alleviate boredom. Love/Connection – to feel unconditionally loved, loved no matter what we do, to be noticed and cared for and part of a group (or family), to feel understood. Significance – to feel important, unique, and worthy of being alive, to be noticed and valued for who we are. Everyone needs these needs in different amounts, but all of them WILL be fulfilled to some degree, whether this is in positive or destructive ways. If you really examine any misbehaviour you will find that your child is trying to fulfil one of these needs in a destructive way. Kids act up, bully, throw tantrums, lie, steal and fight in order to fulfil one or more of these needs that are not being met in positive ways. So when you leave the headmaster’s office, take some time on your own or with your partner to figure out which of your child’s needs are not being met and how you can help them to fulfil these needs in more positive ways. This may take some time, trial and error to get right, but it will definitely be worth it. Bullying is a cry for some need to be met and every child’s cries deserve to be heard.

March 18, 2016

Let them go… Let them go…

School started last month and yet your little ones are still clawing to you like you are delivering them to a place of intense torment and misery! The teachers have to pry your child off you and you have just discovered that they have superhuman strength. They hold so tight on to you, with those tiny arms and legs, that breaking free of their grip leaves you sweatier than a cardio gym session! Once you finally break free, and reorganise your clothes, you head to your car walking the walk of the guilty, of the unsure, of the broken-hearted and anxious parent. You second guess your decision to leave them. Every single day. And some days you cry yourself to work/home – the entire drive. When is this going to get better???! I’ve had a few parents call me over the past weeks to ask if they are doing the right thing? Are they causing more harm than good leaving them? Should they say goodbye or just sneak away? Does this aggravate separation anxiety? And my answer is this little scenario… Imagine you need to have an operation. Your mom is the one who will be taking you on the day and you are very nervous about it. Unfortunately, the day looms and there is no backing out. Your mom arrives and takes you to the hospital. You meet the doctor and it’s time for your mom to go. Which way would you prefer she said goodbye… OK my love. (HAND SQUEEZE) The doctor is here so I am going to leave you. (STILL HOLDING HAND) I am sure he’s a great doctor and it will be over before you know it! (TIGHT HUG) It won’t be too bad, you will see, and I will be back before you even realise. (HAND PAT) Good luck my love! Mommy loves you so much! I will be thinking of you the whole time. (BIG TIGHT HUG AND A WORRIED GOODBYE LOOK) Bye…. (SOFT TEARY VOICE) or…. Look darling! The doctor is here. He is so efficient – imagine how great he’s going to be in the op! I am going to go and leave you to it. I know you are in great hands and you are going to be absolutely fine. I will be back to collect you when it’s over. I love you. Bye darling. (HUG and KISS) Which one instils more confidence in you? Which one stills your concerns over the op? Just let them go. Say a very upbeat, positive goodbye that reassures them and makes them feel that if you are so happy to leave them and so confident about the goodbye, they must be in a safe place and they are sure to have a fun day. Prolonging the goodbye, giving in to the tears only makes them feel that you are also not sure about leaving them and equally worried, and if you are going to hurry back as soon as possible, it must be a terrible place to be. So… when the teachers tell you to just say a goodbye and go, trust them. And the answer to “When is this going to get better?” is, as soon as you can confidently leave them. They will pick up on your confidence and soon feel it themselves. You can do this!

February 18, 2016

Listening Tips For Parents

We all want our kids to listen to us, but how often do we really listen to them? Are we excellent models of attentive listening? Or are we teaching them how to half listen whilst otherwise distracted? If you really want your kids to listen to you, the first step is to know how to do this yourself. Here are a few tips… Be present. The average adult is only present for around 3% of their life. The rest of the time we are lost in remembering the past, imagining the future or off in some fantasy in our minds. On top of this we are distracted by technology, to do lists, work and personal drama. No wonder our kids haven’t learned how to listen. To really hear someone you need to be there, actively listening. The easiest way to stay present in a conversation is to focus on your breathing. If part of your awareness is on your breathing you can’t get lost in your mind. So put aside your phone, tell your mind that you will deal with everything else just now, and breathe and listen. Paraphrase. Learn to mirror back to your child what they have said to you. Paraphrase what they’ve been talking about to show them that you are listening and to clarify that you have actually understood their message. Ask them if you’ve understood correctly and as they correct you on what you’ve misunderstood you will gain a deeper understanding of where they are at. Be patient. We’re often too quick to jump in a finish a sentence or try to get to the heart of the matter before our kids have finished speaking. Let them ramble a bit. It may take them some time to organise their thoughts or to really get to the point of what they are getting too. They may repeat themselves or skirt around the real issue. If you interrupt or jump in with questions you may miss out on the crux of the issue by directing the conversation in a different direction. Use all aspects of communication. Sit facing your child, look at how they are using their body (look out for facial expressions, gestures, posture), keep your body language open, listen for changes in tone, pitch and speed of their voice. Only 7% of communication is in the words that we use. If you pay attention you will see that there is a lot of non verbal stuff going on too and this can often tell you more about what your child is going through than what they say. Ask interesting questions. We say that we want our kids to open up to us, but then we ask the most arbitrary, meaningless questions. “How was your day?” invites a response such as “Fine”. “What was the weirdest thing that happened today?” may get you a slightly more interesting answer. Try asking about things that are meaningful to your child. Children feel loved, heard and understood when we show an interest in things that are important to them, even if they are not important to us. True communication involves putting aside your own agenda and truly getting to know somebody else and what makes them come alive. Active listening is something that anyone can learn. It takes some practice, but the rewards are worth it – children who feel loved, heard and respected and so are more likely to love, hear and respect us in return.

December 3, 2015

THINGS EVERY PARENT SHOULD KNOW ABOUT LITTLE GIRLS

They are show offs My daughter knows just how to turn it on. She knows that dimpled smile is a “sure thing” to anything she wants. You will be powerless to their charms They are master manipulators It took me a long time to train my husband in my ways. It literally took her minutes. He is no longer whipped by me but by a tiny little girl. Some days I see her looking at me with a glint in her eye and smurk that says “His all mine now!” The nerve! They have medicinal powers No matter how cheesed off I am at the world. She just has to lie on my chest and all is right with the world. They has Diva tendencies Before she learnt to walk or talk but she learnt to “Diva”. She knows how to get her way. Her father stops just short of fanning her with palm leaves while she loungers with her favourite cocktail of Lactogen. I am almost expecting her to demand all white gardenias and Perrier bottled water with her two minute noodles. They are attention junkies Our world already revolves around her but that is not good enough for her. Oh No. If she catches your slipping on the attention front she cracks her proverbial whip. I have seen this tiny human fake laugh to get attention. Last week I took my eyes off her for a second and this attention seeker “accidentally” broke my sunglasses. Quickly back in line! They are fearless I have watched her put her hands in her poo and straight to her mouth! She can stomach just about anything my princess. They are witches She has powers. In the 10 years I know MY husband I have seen him cry a handful of times. None of those times were at my wedding. That very expensive wedding dress, professional make-up, nor those touching vows inspired a single tear drop. Its 10 years and I am still upset about it! This little sorcerer crawls and tears!!!!! Holy Crap! She is good They dance to the beat of their own tune. She stood up without holding onto anything a month ago , My husband grabbed his phone and I froze and held my breath my baby was about to take her first steps. The world stopped turning for me. I was about to witness a human miracle. And what did She do…she started to dance on the spot. Psyche! She did this For two weeks too before she decided to walk. Clearly just to mess with us! Your tot is hands down the cutest you will ever lay eyes on! Made you giggle? Share it, Kennedy will take it as a standing ovation. All Hail Queen Kennedy!

November 20, 2015

Childhood Obesity

Globally, obesity is rapidly on the rise. For the first time in the history of mankind, the number of people who are overweight or obese measure up to the number of people who are underweight due to hunger. It has been estimated that if something is not done about the surge of obesity, half of all people will be overweight/obese by 2030. The most worrying is that this trend is not only seen amongst our adult population but also amongst children. Over a decade, overweight has increased from 10.6% to 18.2% in South African children aged 2 – 5 years. Consistently, girls and female adults are more affected. South Africa further carries a double burden of malnutrition with not only rising rates of childhood obesity but also still high prevalence of child undernutrition. Undernutrition places a child at especially high risk for developing obesity, which then promotes the vicious cycle which we are grappling with in the current socio-economic environment. Being overweight or obese increases one’s risk of heart disease and stroke, high blood pressure, diabetes and certain cancers. Overweight or obese children have an increased risk of developing these diseases earlier in life and are more likely to remain obese throughout their adult life. Not only does obesity have far reaching health effects for a child, but it also has vast social and economic implications. These can include bullying, teasing and low self-esteem, as well as increased healthcare costs and loss of income later in life. So what then is the cause for the increase in obesity amongst our children? Poverty, unhealthy diets and physical inactivity are largely to blame. According to Dr Vash Mungal-Singh, CEO of the HSFSA, “Our children are being brought up in an obesogenic environment where unhealthy foods are aggressively marketed to them, time in front of computers and televisions are increasing and appropriate environments for children to be active, safely, are few and far between.” With urbanisation we have also seen an increase in the consumption of sugar-sweetened beverages, energy-dense, nutrient poor foods and lower consumption of fruit and vegetables. Poor feeding practises early in a child’s life further exacerbates the problem. Studies have shown that there is a link between low birth weight and overweight later in life due to overfeeding as an infant. The introduction of ‘weaning foods’ too early (<6 months of age) is another key driver of obesity later in life. In fact a child’s risk starts even before birth with the health and diet of the mother, a concept referred to as the importance of the first 1000 days of a child’s life (from conception to 2 years of age). Poverty has an overarching impact within this context. Lower income groups tend to have higher obesity rates as they opt for foods that are cheap and the most filling, which often means high in energy, fat, sugar and salt with very little other nutritional value. The pregnant mother and young child are most affected. It is clear that obesity is in fact a very complex problem that requires a multi-pronged approach. We are therefore very fortunate to have the support of the National Department of Health in tackling this epidemic with a clear strategy and bold target to decrease the prevalence of obesity by 10% by 2020. This strategy builds on the guidelines of the WHO initiative on ending childhood obesity and includes a wide spectrum of activities including policy and legislative change, education, access to healthy foods and safe places to be active. The HSFSA wants to encourage all parents and caregivers to take action and play their part to prevent overweight and obesity in their own children, starting with the pregnant mother. It is imperative for all pregnant mothers to get appropriate care before, during and after pregnancy to ensure the healthy weight and growth of their babies. Exclusive breastfeeding for the first six months of an infant’s life, followed by appropriate complementary foods is a very effective way in reducing the risk of obesity. Providing healthy foods for young children and adolescents, limiting the intake of sugar-sweetened beverages and encouraging play time rather than TV time are all great strategies to combat overweight and obesity. Sources: For the first time in the history of mankind, the number of people who are overweight or obese measure up to the number of people who are underweight due to hunger. (Global Issues. Obesity. (2010). URL: http://www.globalissues.org/article/558/obesity) It has been estimated that if something is not done about the surge of obesity, half of all people will be overweight/obese by 2030 (Dobbs, R. et al. (2014). Overcoming obesity: an initial economic analysis. McKinsey Global Institute.) Over a decade, overweight has increased from 10.6% to 18.2% in South African children aged 2 – 5 years. (Shisana, O, et al, & SANHANES-1 Team (2013) South African National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey (SANHANES-1). Cape Town: HSRC Press.) Studies have shown that there is a link between low birth weight and overweight later in life due to overfeeding as an infant. (Vasylyeva, T.L., Barche, A., & Chennasamudram, S.P. (2013). Obesity in prematurely born children and adolescents: follow up in pediatric clinic: Nutrition Journal 2013, 12:150, http://www.nutritionj.com/content/12/1/150) Consistently, girls and female adults are more affected. South Africa further carries a double burden of malnutrition with not only rising rates of childhood obesity but also still high prevalence of child undernutrition. (Arington, C. & Case, A. (2013). Health: Analysis of the NIDS Wave 1 Dataset. National Income Dynamic Study. URL: http://www.nids.uct.ac.za/publications/discussion-papers/wave-1-papers) The Heart and Stroke Foundation South Africa (HSFSA) shines a spotlight on ending childhood obesity.

November 16, 2015

Exam Headaches

A recent study conducted at the University of Parakou found that the main triggering factors for headaches and migraines in students were sleeplessness and mental fatigue. Researchers collected the height and weight of each student, to study the factors associated with migraines. Researchers found that of 1200 students that returned their questionnaires, who were 842 males and 358 females, 171 fulfilled migraine criteria. The overall prevalence of migraines was 14.2% in each student. The main associated factors in the study were the sex of the student and family history of headaches. According to Dr Elliot Shevel the Chairman of the South African division of the International Headache Society; headaches have become an ordinary occurrence for students around exam times and many of them feel helpless when dealing with this problem. Exam stress often brings on headaches and migraines and pupils become overwhelmed by the immense pressure of performing at their best and their state of health often gets neglected. Dr. Shevel the Chairman of the South African division of the International Headache Society has the following advice for students: Dietary headache is a common affliction for students. These are usually triggered by foods that assist with energy such as caffeine and chocolate. Take note of which foods trigger headaches for you by keeping a diary and avoid these foods. A Dietary Trigger Diary is available at free of charge to assist you. Remember that skipping meals is a surefire trigger for headaches. Eat in moderation and enjoy your meals. Be aware of your posture when studying as this can result in a tension headache. Use a good chair that supports your back and that gives the ideal posture. Visit http://www.theheadacheclinic.net/ to get a free copy of the Ideal Computer Posture. Learn some easy stretching exercises to stretch the muscles of your head, face, neck and jaw. Stretching should be gentle and soothing, not agonizingly painful. Stretch your neck and jaw muscles carefully and you will get results! A free demonstration by our physio therapist Uru Chiba is available at this link http://www.theheadacheclinic.net/#!free-assistace/c17qc Beware of Medication Overuse Headache. Medication is only appropriate for someone who suffers a few times a month. According to the International Headache Society, if you are taking headache medication more than twice a week you are at risk of developing Medication Overuse Headache. This means that the drugs you are taking will cause the headache or migraine to become more severe and more frequent over time. This leads to a downward spiral into constant medication use and constant pain. The more medication you take, the more pain you are in, the more medication you need, and the cycle continues. It is important that you keep your stress levels to a minimum. Plan ahead to guarantee that you have enough time to study and that you get sufficient rest each night. One should also take regular breaks to ensure that you don’t get overworked. “If the problem persists, it is imperative that you get an accurate diagnosis” added Dr Shevel. There are a number of treatment options that can be investigated. The longer the headache persists, the more damage will be done. Dr. Shevel suggests getting to the bottom of the problem and resolving the pain permanently. For further details on the study please contact Nadia Ismail on 0861 678 911

November 5, 2015

7 Things Every Child of Divorce Needs

PARENTS WHO LISTEN MORE AND SPEAK LESS. A child’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviour may be unstable during this difficult time. They need to be able to express how they feel without their emotions begin stuffed. Some of the things they say may be difficult for the parent to hear, so don’t dismiss or minimise what is said or how they feel. REGULAR ACCESS TO GRANDPARENTS. Relationships with your extended family may be difficult for you, but the kids still need them. Determine what access grandparents and other extended family members will have to your children and remain open to the fact that these adults can be very helpful during this difficult time. It can often times be easier for children to express their feelings to grandparents and others. PARENTS WILLING TO TAKE A PARENTING CLASS. I’m not talking about the inexpensive divorce class that most states require all divorcing parents to go through, I’m talking about a multi-session parenting class in which parents learn about the development stages of childhood and what constitutes normal and abnormal behaviour. Getting this additional help from a class or even a parent coach can prepare you for major behaviour challenges caused by the divorce. FIRM BOUNDARIES AND LIMITATIONS. Even though many children and teens will push the limits even further during a divorce, they require firm rules to know that the parents are still in charge and care. Firm boundaries creates feelings of safety and love, especially during difficult times such as divorce. Avoid the urge to give in and bend rules, just to avoid hearing the dreadful statement, “I want to go live with my Dad (or Mom).” RESPECTFUL TALK ABOUT THE OTHER PARENT. Your issues with your ex are your issues, not your child’s. No matter how terrible of a person you feel your ex was to you or to the kids, your children will most likely still see them as the wonderful, flawless parent they once were. You don’t have to speak affectionately about them in front of the kids, just respectfully. CONSISTENCY ON RULES OF ACCESS TO INAPPROPRIATE MATERIAL. Your son comes home from a visitation with the other parent, with a new smart phone, tablet, violent video game, or any other object you normally don’t allow him to have. Avoid thinking that he can keep it just because the other parent gave it to him. Calmly and kindly hold on to that item until the next visitation occurs. You can’t do anything about what your child is exposed to in the other parent’s home, but you can in your own. PARENTS WITH EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. Going through a divorce can be devastating and something no one should go through alone. Seek out support groups in your community to get the help you need. Many churches offer a continuing workshop and support group called Divorce Care that is open to anyone, even if you are not a member of the church. Your children need you emotionally strong and able to provide the support they will need to get through this difficult time.

September 24, 2015

Appropriate Boundaries In Parenting

What do parents most want from children? Is it obedience – for children to do what parents think is best whether for the benefit of the child or for the parent? Could it be love – that parents want their children to love them unconditionally as parents try to love their children unconditionally? What about becoming good citizens who are responsible, pleasant to be around, non-offensive to others, and working toward success and independence? And, does love equal respect? So, how do parents get what they most want from their children? The answer is setting appropriate boundaries. These boundaries look and feel different depending on the chosen parenting style. There are typically three styles of parenting with some parents jumping from one style to the other depending on what point or convenience they believe is important to make at the time. The first boundary style is called “lines in the sand” as described here: 4-year old Jody and her mother are eating lunch at a local restaurant. Jody wants some gum out of the gum ball machine and asks her mom for some money. When mom says “Not now, sweetie”, Jody continues to ask and mom continues to deny the request. Mom decides to call a friend on her cell phone and while mom is distracted Jody goes into her mom’s wallet, gets a handful of change, puts the coins in the machine and comes back to the table with some gum in her mouth. After a bit, Mom finally notices Jody chewing gum and tells her friend the whole story as Jody listens. Mom expresses to her friend she just doesn’t understand why Jody doesn’t obey her. Jody is never personally scolded for her poor choice or instructed how to make a better choice. Although many parents want to have fun with their children, when a parent draws a line in the sand as the boundary for the child to follow, the relentless waves of the tide come in and wash the line away each time it is drawn. Therefore, what did Jody learn? If this parenting style is used often, Jody will relentlessly test her mom and other authority figures just to see where the boundaries actually are. Often, foster parents are unsure of where to place boundaries on foster children and may be overly lenient to compensate for the hurt foster children have experienced. “Lines in the sand” parenting tells foster children that 1) they are not good enough to have set or standard boundaries and will need to set their own, 2) the parent is incapable of setting appropriate boundaries, or 3) they are special and don’t need to follow the same boundaries as other family members. This parenting style leads birth and foster children toward rebellion breeding chaos, fighting, disrespect and a low sense of self- worth. The second style of parenting is described as a “brick wall”. Picture it … a tall, thick, red brick wall. Does it signify protection, strength, a sense of durability; or could it be described more cold, looming, harsh, and impenetrable? Children need the protection and strength from parents but never do they need parents to be unwelcoming, forbidding, rigid or unforgiving. Children also need the opportunity to learn to make good choices. A safe and comfortable home environment is where children can experience many opportunities to practice making choices. Being allowed to make choices encourages confidence. If children find the answer to their requests always being “no”, and / or a place where guilt and un-forgiveness is the rule of the day, then those children will seek acceptance elsewhere and usually in unfavourable settings. This parenting style also leads children to rebellion breeding chaos, fighting, disrespect and a low sense of self-worth. Often children run from rigidity because their inherent sense of free will or freedom of choice is being squelched. Foster children have often been reared in homes which have neglected their needs either through moving or non-existent boundaries, such as “lines in the sand”; or very strict boundaries described as “brick wall” parenting. The two extremes in parenting have been explained leaving the third parenting style of the “deep-rooted tree”. Picture a tall sturdy tree whose branches spread out over the yard giving shelter, shade, beauty, freedom, creativity, recreation and a feeling of being tested over time. One of the benefits of this parenting style is the manner in which life’s storms are weathered – with grace, flexibility and wisdom. There’s no room for arrogance, impatience or pity. A quiet strength is rooted in good soil rich with healthy nutrients expressing the importance of taking care of oneself and of others. There are no inappropriate expectations nor judgement but a joy when family members choose to spend time together under the tree. Delightful flowers and foliage often bring forth delicious fruit allowing others to share from the bounty and the beauty this style offers. When the storms come, deeply planted roots hold the tree upright with a strong trunk. The branches know just how far to bend without breaking from the wind. And so it is with this parenting style. As children need strength and wisdom from their parents, they also need flexibility. “Deep-rooted” parenting has a strong foundation supporting children to learn from their personal experiences through proper guidance in making effective choices. These teaching moments become life lessons which mould children’s character and prepare them to respond appropriately in future situations. As foster parents, strength with flexibility offered to all children shows parents care about children as individuals, that parents believe in children and trust their ability to make good choices for their level of development. Children experience freedom and peace when acting within appropriate boundaries. In return, through time parents will receive the love and respect that they demonstrate to others. Although flexibility is the key element in appropriate boundaries, determining how far a parent is willing to go and being consistent in not going beyond the boundary limit is crucial. A

September 10, 2015

Bully Proof Vests

The chances of your child being bullied or the bully at some point in their 13 years of formal schooling is quite high. The question for me is not necessarily how to stop them from being bullied (as much as we would all love to live in some utopian bully-free society), but how to increase their resilience so that if this does happen it isn’t detrimental to their sense of self or their enjoyment of school. Here are a couple of quick tips that can help… Everyone has all traits. Labelling someone as a bully or labelling yourself as a victim just exacerbates the problem. When we understand others, and can see ourselves in them, we have a much greater chance of tolerance and problem solving. While this is essential information for parents and teachers in solving the bullying in their environment, it can help the kids too to see more similarities than differences and to start to understand why someone bullies and what might be going on in their lives that has created this problem. If a child knows that the so called “bully” is being bullied themselves (perhaps by another child or a parent figure), or is having problems at home, this can help them to see it as the problem of the bully and not because there is something inherently wrong with them (and therefore labelling themselves as a victim or as flawed in some way). We need to model for and teach our children healthy self-talk. Correct your child (and yourself) when you catch them saying negative things about themselves. A simple exercise for this is to write positive self-affirming messages on your mirrors. Most people learn early on to look at themselves in the mirror and criticise. Turning this around can go a long way towards helping kids to develop a strong sense of self-worth. If you want children to learn to say “no” to peer pressure and in difficult situations you need to give them the opportunity to do this at home. So few parents respect the “no” of their children and then wonder why kids don’t respect their “no’s” or buckle under the pressure of their peers. So the next time your child says “no” to sharing their sweets with you, let their no mean no! Make sure your child’s needs are being met, particularly in times of change such as starting a new school. If their needs for certainty, significance, love, growth, variety or contribution are not being fulfilled in positive ways, they may unconsciously look to fulfil these in negative ways, which can include attracting bullies into their lives. Speak to your children often about how they are feeling, what their concerns are, and please take them seriously when they are feeling unhappy in a new situation and help them to find way to alleviate this distress. Make sure that your children are parent-oriented and not peer-oriented. One of the greatest determinants for whether a child will become a bully or become a victim of a bully is related to their level of parent vs peer-orientation. Are your children looking to you to decide what is right or wrong, where to go, what to do and how to behave or are they looking to their friends for this guidance? If a child is peer-oriented they are at a much greater risk for bullying and you are also less likely to find out about it. Peer-oriented kids try desperately to fit in and be liked and are therefore vulnerable to peer pressure. This does not only apply to teenagers, as even pre-school children can be peer-oriented. Children are more likely to be peer-oriented if they spend long hours at school and/or at play dates or extra murals where they are not properly supervised or where they do not have a good connection with the adult/s in charge. This does not mean that aftercare is out, but that you need to make a concerted effort to connect with your children deeply in the time that you do have with them – find things in common, speak to them with respect, be present for them on the weekends, etc. The more your children feel connected to you, the more resilient they are to bullying. The world is not perfect, and our playgrounds are unfortunately rife with bullying. There is simply no way we can guarantee our children a bully-free schooling experience. But, by being involved in our children’s lives, being open to honest, non-judgemental communication and by helping them to fulfil their needs and develop a healthy sense of self we can at least give them bully-proof vests!

September 10, 2015

Going Beyond “Fine”

It’s a typical complaint that the majority of parents have – that their kids don’t tell them about what is going on in their lives; that very early on they stop communicating. You pick them up from school and ask how their day was, and all you get is “fine”. Have you ever wondered why that is, and how to go beyond just “fine”? We’re complaining about our kids lacking in communication skills, but who do they learn this from? Us, of course. And what could be a worse example of true communication than asking a child “How was your day?” If you really look at it, you’ll see that it is such a conditioned, automated question that it doesn’t even warrant an answer. We live most of our adult lives asking and answering automated questions: “Hi, how are you?” “Fine, thanks, and you?” Do you really care how the other person is? Do you want a true response or to get into a conversation about their current troubles and successes? Not really. We know this, and our kids watching us know this too, so when we ask them a similarly unconscious question they don’t feel the need to supply more than the typically automated response. We forget that kids are still fully engaged in the world, and we need to meet them where they’re at, not come at them with our adult switched-offness! If you want true communication with your kids, you need to start truly communicating with them. Start by asking a question that actually implies that you are interested in them and their lives. Instead of “How was your day?” try: “Is your best friend back at school today?” “Is the PT teacher still wearing those silly shorts?” “Who had the most delicious lunch today?” “What games did you play on the playground?” These are just some ideas to get you going, but if you follow the next part of true communication i.e. actually listening to what the other person is saying, I’m sure you’ll come up with some more of your own! So the trick to going beyond just “fine” is this: If you want a real answer, ask a real question!

August 28, 2015

Bullying Is Real

Bullying has been around for a long time, and has increased its area of ruin. Recently it has been placed in the spotlight. We become aware of it when a person hurts another. We miss it in ourselves. It possibly is promoted through our daily interactions. Bullying has surfaced into the daylight. It is ugly if we are honest about it. We should not be surprised at how rampant it has become. Many of us have been guilty of bullying or we have been the victims of bullies.. Maybe it’s time to reflect on those times we have been at fault, for bullying another. We need to have the confidence in ourselves so that we don’t feel the need to knock another down, in order for us to feel better, or get ahead. Carefully watching our actions and their consequences is vital. Society suffers with every bully action displayed towards another person. Recognising ourselves in these situations helps us to overcome it. Strive for tolerance of others, by disregarding their differences. We are obliged to support our children in their endeavour to become more empathetic, and accepting of others. Many of us are able to accept those who are different. It’s time to accept those who are similar to us, and pose a jealousy threat. Constant anger within a family triggers children to be fearful and upset. Parents are their children’s rocks of stability and survival. Every time parents are yelling and screaming at each other, children feel vulnerable regarding their own existence. Fighting and anger are part of human nature. When one crosses the line, and anger becomes out of control rage, children worry for their own lives, and their mom’s or dad’s life. Children most likely feel helpless to stop the turmoil and are caught in a web of love, hate and secrecy. With physical abuse, children’s worst nightmares become real. The people they love and trust the most in the world, have turned into monsters. Many children possibly begin having nightmares, or wetting the bed. Boys might be scarred from feelings of helplessness in their inability to protect their mothers. Many children become the victims themselves. If the family is in crises, they might seek the aid of others. It then brings the hope they can remain intact. If parents will not talk about it or seek support, eventually the marriage and the family dissolves, leaving only the children behind. Parents move on to a new life, but as stated before, the children remain forever caught in the original roots of home. One cannot be ashamed of anger. It is a human emotion. There is a tremendous amount of burdens placed on parents, so it is not a surprise to see parents full of turmoil. How one manages the irritations is a whole other situation. If we allow exasperation to take control of our life, we have given up command. Infuriation becomes the boss of us. Managing our fury is central. At work, if a co-worker bothers us or even the boss, we must accept and control our annoyance. We cope, keep our attitudes under wraps, or walk away. The alternative is a job loss or worse. Wrath appears to be devouring our society. It abounds everywhere. Our culture expects entitlement. When gains are not forthcoming, we thrash out in anger and resentment, at the nearest person. If we are the irritated store clerk at a food store, the buyer is the receiver of our ire. If we are the furious buyer, the seller shoulders the brunt of our maddening thoughts. Anger emerges when one is driving in a car. Dad gets upset at mom, or the children; the car is speeding and moving erratically. This is obviously not safe for the children, anyone else in our car, or the surrounding cars. When enraged we do not have the right to jeopardise the lives of our family, or possibly other peoples’ lives in cars near us. Children are great imitators and we will see our fury emerge, when our child punches their sibling or starts fighting at school. We cannot ask ourselves where it comes from when we already know the answer. Again, we all get angry, but how we handle rage is a completely subjective situation. One can begin with small steps, by attempting to eliminate some of the irritation. That alone would make things better. The more we talk about infuriating episodes with our child, the more beneficial it will be to resolving family problems. We are not fooling our children, even when they smile at us, after a tumultuous situation. Women are as guilty of ire as men. Modelling wrath, is teaching our children how to exhibit negative feelings, rather than positive ones. As parents, we choose to teach negatively or positively. Discuss fury, and attempt to explain why its impact is so far-reaching. It damages, and kids know this. Children are aware of our ire, especially if our child is the receiver of thrashings, when we are in a rage. Our admittance to an anger issue, perchance might lead to healing for the whole family. One thing we cannot do under any circumstance is to stop trying. If we do, It is over and we are admitting defeat, by our surrender. We must persevere even when we keep faltering. Realise that every time we do not weaken, we have improved our home life. In addition, the world is enriched. One small step at a time is what it required. Diligence and effort make our struggle important and valuable, even if we do not completely succeed. The small victories encourage us to continue forward. Wrath spills over into every relationship, within the family. Siblings may get into altercations with each other, and with their parents. This has resulted in police calls to the families, as well as detentions for the fights taking place at school. No member of the family is unscathed. Constant conflict with a step-parent, or parent, will bring many

August 26, 2015

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