Do your kids groan and complain about helping around the house or yard? Does it feel like an uphill battle to get them to tackle even the smallest tasks? And when you do assign a chore, do they put it off until you’re frustrated and ready to hand out punishments? If this sounds all too familiar, I’d love to share some advice.
Think back to your own childhood—did you enjoy doing chores? Probably not! Many of us grew up with parents who took a more authoritarian approach, making sure we did what we were told. Today, many parents, like myself, are using a more democratic approach. When you take fear out of parenting, you allow space for opinions, emotions, and yes, even resistance, which can slow things down.
So, how do you get kids to actually do their chores? If you’re practicing a more respectful and democratic parenting style like I am, the key is to extend that approach to chores as well. This involves setting expectations ahead of time, getting input from your kids, and creating agreements—both verbal and written. And when they don’t meet those agreements, using respect to guide them back on track.
At your next weekly or bimonthly family meeting, start by making a list of chores the adults will handle, then ask the kids to help come up with a list of all the other tasks that need to be done. Listen to their suggestions on how and when they’ll get the work done. Create a schedule that everyone agrees to, and consider getting everyone to sign it. If one of your kids is especially resistant, it’s okay to table that discussion until the next meeting.
Chores work best when there’s unanimous agreement from everyone. It’s also crucial that each chore has a specific deadline and clear expectations of what “done” looks like. I can’t stress enough how important it is to be specific when assigning tasks. And remember, you don’t truly have an agreement with your child until they verbally confirm the entire arrangement!
If a chore isn’t completed, resist the urge to nag, remind, or scold. Instead, stay silent. Find your child, gently guide them with a touch on the back, and lead them to the chore that needs to be done. If they push back, it’s a sign that there may be a bigger issue in your relationship to address before this follow-up method can be effective.
Lastly, I’m often asked what age is appropriate for kids to start helping with chores. In my experience, even preschoolers can take on small tasks, as long as they’re suited to their age and ability. For younger children, keep chores simple, fun, and achievable. And of course, be generous with praise and excitement when they successfully complete them.
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