“Why is she throwing her shoe across the room?”
“Why is ‘no’ the only word he knows?”
“Why is bedtime suddenly a battle?”
If these questions sound familiar, take a deep breath: You’re parenting a toddler — and yes, most of what you’re experiencing is “just a phase.”
But these phases aren’t random. Behind every outburst, clingy spell, or wild mood swing is a tiny brain undergoing massive growth. When we look at toddler behaviour through a developmental lens, things start making a lot more sense (and feel a little less personal).
🧠 What’s Going On in the Toddler Brain?
Between ages 1 and 4, your toddler’s brain is in overdrive, especially in areas responsible for:
- Language development
- Emotional regulation
- Motor skills
- Problem solving
- Social awareness
During this time, the prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and reasoning — is still very underdeveloped. So when your toddler grabs, screams, or refuses to share, they’re not being “bad” — their brain simply can’t handle big feelings yet.
“Toddlers aren’t giving us a hard time. They’re having a hard time,” says Dr. Mona Delahooke, child psychologist and author of Brain-Body Parenting.
📌 Common “Phases” Explained
Let’s break down some typical toddler behaviours — and what they often mean.
😤 Tantrums
🧠 Sign of emotional overload and limited self-regulation. Toddlers don’t yet know how to calm themselves down.
🚫 Constant “NO!”
🧠 Assertion of independence. Saying no is a toddler’s way of exploring autonomy.
🧸 Clinginess
🧠 A natural response to separation anxiety or changes in routine. It’s about seeking safety, not manipulation.
🌀 Repetition (same book, same snack, same routine)
🧠 Predictability helps toddlers feel secure in a world full of change. Repetition is a comfort strategy.
🥕 Picky Eating
🧠 A normal part of development as toddlers exert control and develop food preferences.
🛏️ Sleep resistance
🧠 A mix of separation anxiety, fear of missing out, and growing cognitive awareness.
💡 How to Support Your Toddler Through These Phases
1. 🧘 Stay Calm (Even When They Aren’t)
Your regulation helps them learn theirs. Narrate what’s happening calmly and offer reassurance.
2. 💬 Use Simple Language
Toddlers understand far more than they can say. Speak in short, clear sentences when setting boundaries or offering comfort.
3. 🔄 Offer Choices, Not Ultimatums
“Do you want the red cup or blue cup?” lets them feel in control without turning into a power struggle.
4. 🕰️ Predictable Routines
Routine reduces anxiety and helps toddlers feel safe. Even a simple “first/then” structure works wonders.
5. 🧠 Validate Their Experience
Instead of “You’re fine,” try: “That was a loud noise — it surprised you!” Naming emotions builds emotional intelligence.
🚩 When to Seek Support
While most tricky behaviour is developmentally normal, consider speaking to a paediatrician or child psychologist if:
- Tantrums are violent or last longer than 30 minutes regularly
- Your toddler shows no interest in interacting with others
- There’s a sudden, extreme regression in speech or behaviour
- You feel overwhelmed or unsure how to help
Sources:
- American Academy of Pediatrics – healthychildren.org
- Dr. Mona Delahooke – Brain-Body Parenting
- Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University – developingchild.harvard.edu
- Zero to Three – zerotothree.org
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