There it is, that mind blowing feeling! I smile to myself as the feeling of joy sweeps through my body from my toes up. That feeling is my baby boy Rogan’s kick in my tummy! It gets me every time I feel it. It reminds me there is life growing in me and the feeling of the unknown excites me this time. You see it’s been a year since we experienced baby loss, our identical twin girls, Storm and Logan were born on the 10th of January 2019, Storm, a still born and Logan an NICU baby who survived two and a half days.
Sometimes it feels like I live in an alternate universe, here there is no baby growing and I can protect myself from the anguish we felt a year ago by subconsciously pretending this pregnancy isn’t real. I catch myself in this space often and baby Rogan makes sure mommy knows he is here, kicking me straight back to reality, a reality that excites me more than it scares me. We are currently in our second trimester and physically everything is going great, one healthy boy seems to be finding his way into this world and into our lives to change it for ever. The emotional side to baby loss is definitely affecting us, as we navigate these waters. Through our experience of losing the twins, I learnt a few life lessons…
Life can be unfair, unpredictable and uncomfortable and within that there is so much truth, peace and beauty to be found. The truth that awareness perceives choice, perspective is everything and being brave enough to feel all you need to feel, heals. The heaviness, confusion and pain from grief brings about a heightened sense of lightness, clarity, trust and love.
Baby loss taught me that we are so much more than just physical human beings, we are souls here to experience things, live our best lives and learn as much about ourselves as possible in one lifetime in order to become the best version of ourselves as possible. Without the experience of losing the twins, I would never have grown into the person I am today, this woman is now one with so much more understanding, empathy, clarity, purpose and is on a mission to heal more, grow more and live more.
Recently I have been able to admit something to myself, I am grateful that this story and my twins showed up the way they did and fulfilled their own soul journeys through me. They have taught me that living in the present is so powerful and peaceful. In the present moment I have no worries, no hatred, no fear. In the present moment I have truth, love, peace and connection.
As humans we can think of very limited possibilities, we cannot even begin to imagine all the things that could happen in any given circumstance. We think that something must look a certain way or come to us in a certain way. Just because things may not look, feel or be as you dreamed of, thought of or wanted them to be, doesn’t mean it isn’t exactly what you need and will bring you closer to your truth, your soul and your happiness in this lifetime. Even though I never, in my wildest dreams, though that I would experience being pregnant, giving birth to twins and ending up as a first-time mother with no physical babies, I cannot deny the gratitude I feel for this experience. Don’t get me wrong, I know the pain of this grief and I am continually healing, and I also know the unconditional love of being a mother as I am a mother to my two beautiful soul babies who won’t let me be less than I can be! So, you see, one not only can survive after loss, one can learn to thrive again.
If you found me as a result of your own loss, let me say how sorry I am and tell you how proud of you I am, for your bravery in being here, for acknowledging your baby and honouring your grief process. I want you to know, most importantly, that you are not alone in this journey, I understand you, I feel you, I love you.
I am Nicole and I choose to be seen, heard and to share my story to inspire others to do the same. Sharing your story is a huge part of healing from the trauma of baby loss and the grief that follows. Through my own journey of losing our identical twin girls, I have created Legendary Baba, a space to share, heal and support others who have experienced baby loss. I encourage parents, when they are ready, to create a Legacy for their baby. To me, Legacy means anything that we do to honour our babies and allow them to live on even though they are no longer physically with us.
No matter when, how or in whichever way it happened, baby loss is baby loss and I’m here to support you.
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